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Shoe, 6/19/13

Longtime readers of my blog know about one of my main beefs with Shoe: the Goggle Eyes of Horror that often appear in the final panel. These have the effect of implying that someone has uttered some unspeakable nightmare-sentence, when usually they’re making a gentle and dumb pun. Today’s instance of this visual trope has me particularly baffled/enraged. Frito the Parrot (and let’s just stop for a minute to acknowledge: FRITO THE PARROT, ye gods) has met a comely she-parrot at Parrots Without Partners! Assuming you’ve accepted a terrifying world of sentient talking birds, this is a perfectly reasonable name for an organization that arranges parrot-on-parrot romance, so it’s not clear why Shoe would be so shocked; the name’s a spoof of an actual organization, Parents Without Partners, but presumably Shoe would be thoroughly unaware of that, since the protective barrier between his reality and ours remains intact, last I looked. All I can assume is that Shoe, who has been shown to flirt with sexy lady birds of multiple species, is appalled at Frito’s racist decision to join an ethnically pure parrots-only dating service.

Gil Thorp, 6/19/13

Gil Thorp remains unspeakably dull, but I always feel obliged to alert you when we finally get to that point in the season where whatever Milford team we’re paying attention to fails to win a championship. And here we are!

This post originally appeared as "Or maybe the full reality of “Frito the Parrot” has finally come down on him like a ton of bricks" on The Comics Curmudgeon, which is the best blog on the Internet.

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Spider-Man, 6/18/13

True story: Once, when I was living in California, I got the time zone math backwards and called my dad and stepmother at 11 p.m. my time, thinking that it was 8 p.m. on the East Coast when of course it was 2 a.m., and naturally they were less than thrilled about this. I should add that this was after nearly four years of living on the West Coast, so it’s not like I had any kind of excuse. Anyway, what I’m saying is that MJ has been sitting by the phone with no doubt increasing amounts of irritation waiting for Peter call while he’s been screwing around on the beach or whatever, and maybe he shouldn’t sound quite so insufferably smug in panel two? I mean, MJ still probably wouldn’t want him to come back, seeing as she’s already changed the locks on the apartment and had his name taken off their bank accounts, but still, it’s poor form.

Crock, 6/18/13

I love that “HMO” is bolded in the last panel, just so we don’t miss the point. “Ha, this HMO is crueler than I am, and my notorious cruelty is central joke of the strip! HMO! Eh? Social commentary? Right?”

Beetle Bailey, 6/18/13

Specialist Chip Gizmo, the adorably nerdy character introduced to Beetle Bailey in 2002 to bring some techno-savvy to the strip, has built himself a sex robot with metal breasts and sharp, claw-like hands! If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day screaming now.

This post originally appeared as "“Haha, is that a metaphor, or–” “NO STAY AWAY FOREVER”" on The Comics Curmudgeon, which is the best blog on the Internet.

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Heathcliff, 6/17/13

Lots of people like cake, you know. Really like cake. Very few of them use this like of cake as the ideological basis for an independent cake-empire, which declares its separation from the insufficiently cake-worshipping polity to which it previous owed allegiance and then presumably goes on to aggressively impose cake-adoration on its unwilling neighbors. Heathcliff, as ever, does not do anything by half measures.

Crankshaft, 6/17/13

Oh, goodie, it’s been months since Crankshaft journeyed to New York to make vaguely New York-themed puns! But first, in today’s third panel, we’re treated to the precise moment when Pam gives up on trying to make her dad love her.

Spider-Man, 6/17/13

“With the Kingpin in custody” is kind of an obscure way to say “Now that we’ve finished having surreptitious beach-sex, let’s talk loudly and ostentatiously about our supposed romantic entanglements with women,” but I don’t want to tell you guys how to live your lives.

This post originally appeared as "The Emperor of Ice Cream’s regime is crumbling" on The Comics Curmudgeon, which is the best blog on the Internet.

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Heathcliff, 6/16/13

Somewhere, deep down in the bowels of my long-term memory, there’s a little glimmer that tells me that, yes, Heathcliff’s father has always been a notorious hardened criminal in the strip. I’m not sure what the significance is of the fact that he wears his prison uniform even as he walks the streets a free man. Are we meant to understand that he’s only just escaped from the joint and hasn’t had time to change yet? Is this an act of defiance against the government that once put him behind bars? Mostly his uniform just serves to draw uncomfortable attention to the fact that Heathcliff is walking around stark naked.

Dennis the Menace, 6/16/13

A rare double menace from Dennis today! In the throwaway panels, he waits until Margaret comes into earshot before letting everyone know that he doesn’t like her and is only hanging out with her for her cooking; and then he uses this twee little Father’s Day exercise as a chance to inform the other children that his father loves his family, unlike theirs, who will take any excuse to get away from them and enjoy their “hobbies,” alone.

Mary Worth, 6/16/13

Haha, the look on Beth’s face in the final panel is priceless and has made this entire storyline worth it. “Tom! Wait, you want to … what? We never … no. No. Not in front of … are you kidding me, Tom?”

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/16/13

Sorry, everybody, I have been remiss in keeping you up to date with Rex Morgan, M.D.! Anyway, remember when Sarah wanted to sell her horsey art, for money? Well, now an actual museum wants to buy that horsey art, to use in a gift shop book! It was way too easy. “Wow … that was too easy!” thinks Sarah. She’s right. Sarah can smell a trap anywhere.

Pluggers, 6/16/13

Pluggers don’t understand that the structure of our global capitalist system ensures that fluctuations in equities and derivatives markets have major and sometimes painful results in the real day-to-day economic life of ordinary citizens. Also, they are very clumsy and often bump into things.

This post originally appeared as "Happy Father’s Day, jailbirds!" on The Comics Curmudgeon, which is the best blog on the Internet.

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So it’s June 15 and I think it’s safe to say that the spring Gil Thorp lawsuit storyline isn’t ever going to get interesting, but I do think that an ending in which the Jarbo family wins its case because the sue-y guy who fell down got his gas stations mixed up is at least suitably farcical. Wouldn’t … wouldn’t this have come to light during the discovery process? I mean, I’m neither a lawyer nor someone foolish enough to expect Gil Thorp plots to mirror reality in any way, but … DAMN IT I THINK THIS WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SORTED OUT AT SOME POINT PRIOR TO THE ACTUAL TRIAL.

Blondie, 6/15/13

This is just your reminder that Dagwood is so dedicated to not being a normal husband who showers that he literally does not have a shower in his house. Also, he is a crazy person.

Luann, 6/15/13

DAD RELAX IT’S CALLED A SUICIDE PACT OK IF YOU DON’T SEE THE ROMANCE IN DYING TOGETHER IN A TWISTED HEAP OF METAL AND AGONY THEN IT’S NO WONDER YOU’VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD ME

This post originally appeared as "Splashy Saturday" on The Comics Curmudgeon, which is the best blog on the Internet.