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Comics archive!
May, 2009
Apartment 3-G, 5/31/09
Last week saw possibly the most momentous event that can ever happen in Apartment 3-G — a proposal of marriage! Yet the strip was almost entirely absent from this site, because it was Gary proposing to Tommie and … ZZZZZZ … oh, I’m sorry, that sentence was so boring I couldn’t even finish typing it without dozing off. And yet with just two hilarious sentences — “You can’t get married and move to Denver! You don’t even ski!” — Margo makes me glad that I read the strip this week, just so I could appreciate the set-up. Yes, Margo makes the Tommie-Gary storyline sort of worthwhile. SHE HAS SUPER POWERS.
Funky Winkerbean, 5/31/09
“Ha ha! Seriously, though, thanks for the history lesson and all, but do you mind leaving me alone so I can finish jerking off to this comic book in peace? I promise to put it back on the rack when I’m done.”
Spider-Man, 5/30/09
There are so many Spider-Man newspaper strip tropes that irritate me — “Peter Parker whines because Mary Jane makes more money than he does,” “Peter Parker yells at the TV,” “Peter Parker forgets to bring his Spidey costume somewhere he needs it,” “Peter Parker forgets that he has his costume under his clothes and then needs to take his clothes off, for some reason” — but perhaps the most irritating is “Some ancillary character about whom you don’t care suspects that Peter Parker is Spider-Man.” The latest version of this has taken up much of the last week, as Peter was subject to some desultory hallway questioning about his late-night habits from an old lady in his apartment building; rather than making up some plausible explanation (which, I’d like to emphasize, would be remarkably easy to do for anyone with two brain cells to rub together), instead he panicked and refused to enter an elevator with his elderly neighbor, knowing that he’d break and confess everything under the harsh glow of the florescent lights, and fled down the stairs instead.
Normally I’d have passed over this entire episode in disgusted silence, but I note with some amusement that, according to the reliably entertaining Spider-Man narration box, we were supposed to have regarded this sad farce as “fun time.” Now, however, we’re getting to the deadly serious meat of the story, in which a sinister gang of chinbearded druids prepares for their next daring tractor-trailer heist.
Beetle Bailey, 5/30/09
I’m not sure why, exactly, but I find this Beetle Bailey particularly insulting. Look, General Halftrack is hunched over with rage and he’s pouring booze down his throat, OK? And his wife is falling all over herself apologizing for planning some sort of basic interaction with other humans. The General doesn’t want to go. We get it. You don’t have to name them “the Borrings” to emphasize that General Halftrack will, in fact, be bored (borred?) when he has dinner with them. I never thought I’d hold up Blondie as some sort of paragon of efficient, naturalistic narrative in sequential art storytelling, but, well, Blondie managed to pull this off without giving the off-screen hateful family a name that telegraphed their function. (They ended up with a delightfully insane name, the Glamrockers, but that’s another story.)
Oh, also: General Halftrack is a desperate alcoholic who needs to be drunk in order to function socially, ha ha!
Luann, 5/29/09
You probably thought that Luann, with its long tradition of stomach-churning will-they-or-won’t-they quasi-romances that manage to simultaneously be ludicrously chaste and all about sex, couldn’t get any squickier. But that was before Luann’s gnomish millionaire paramour announced his intention to impregnate her in front of a classroom full of children.
Mary Worth, 5/29/09
You probably thought that the current Mary Worth storyline, which seems determined to prove that women can’t choose their own life partners on the Internet and should instead acquiesce to be bred to whatever good stock their fathers select for them, couldn’t get any more retrograde and insulting. But that was before Detective Scott, who almost certainly makes significantly less than Dr. Adrian, informed her in no uncertain terms that her economic autonomy was not something that was going to be troubling her any longer.
Beetle Bailey, 5/29/09
You probably thought that Sarge’s sexual life — in which he is constantly fending off advances from Sgt. Lugg, while sublimating his forbidden lust for Beetle through acts of increasingly desperate violence — was pretty depressing. But that was before a coloring error made it appear that he was forced to endure sexual harassment from General Halftrack’s wife.
Non-comics-related update: Special last-minute probably-already-sold-out Josh public appearance information!
Beetle Bailey, 5/28/09
Beetle is obviously very shy about revealing the most intimate part of his anatomy: the top of his head.
Blondie, 5/28/09
Ha ha, Dagwood’s fellow carpooler is traumatized by his layoff and can’t think of anything to do with his life other than go through the motions of going to work! He’ll probably head down to his old office building and loiter around there for a while, then shoot himself in the parking lot just when everyone is walking out to their cars.
Mary Worth, 5/29/09
“Yes, Adrian deserves a good man … life has a strange way of working out … all’s well that ends well … love conquers all … look, Jeff, if you don’t stop going on and on about this twerp and his dead dad, I’m going to strangle you with this cravat, I swear to God.”
Gil Thorp, 5/27/09
One of the (many, I swear!) things I like about Gil Thorp is its tendency to keep once-starring players around as background characters for as long as their fictional high school careers last. So, during basketball and baseball season of 2008, Andrew “The A-Train” Gregory (whose name was meant to taunt one of the strip’s younger readers) was an obnoxious, egomaniacal superjerk who dominated the plotlines with his self-aggrandizing antics. Now, though, he looks positively cuddly when compared to prank-happy megadouche Shep Trumbo. Presumably all of the strip’s readers will forgive Andrew’s past irritations if he makes good on his promise to choke the life out of Shep with that disturbingly realistic toy snake.
Marvin, 5/27/09
What is Marvin’s greatest affront to human dignity? This is a complex question that can probably only be fully answered by a duly constituted war crimes tribunal, but here’s my take. One of the things that make babies so enchanting is their innocence, their complete unfamiliarity with the world; everything is fascinating and delightful to them, even something as mundane as a household toaster, because it’s so new. But Marvin completely lacks this quality; instead, he’s a paradoxically cynical baby, viewing the world with heavy-lidded ironic distance. He’s a monstrous adult-infant hybrid: the worst aspects of grown-ups (emotional numbness, sarcasm) and babies (squalling, pants-shitting). He should be left on a hillside to be eaten by coyotes.
Herb and Jamaal, 5/27/09
This cartoon does a pretty good job of illustrating how difficult it must be to manufacture clothing in Herb and Jamaal-world, where individuals that are notionally of the same species can exhibit radically different physical characteristics. For instance, a baseball cap that fits snugly on the tip of Jamaal’s oblong skull can only balance precariously atop Herb’s spherical cranium.
Mary Worth, 5/27/09
Say, do you know what sort of people would be easy to snare in some sort of con? People who place their absolute trust in someone based on one ten-minute meeting and a relationship with his family that ended decades ago, that’s who!
Two items of potential interest to you in a special mid-week metapost! First comes this AMAZING thing from faithful reader Jon. Did you know that one of the writers of the comic strip Six Chix is Margaret Shulock, who also writes Apartment 3-G? Also, did you know that there was a Six Chix blog? Well, both of these things are true, and Shulock last week put up a blog entry detailing how an installment of Apartment 3-G gets written. It just might blow your mind. Also, she says she needs info on A3G history before the ’90s, so get crackin’, folks!
Also! In non-comics-related news, I’m writing another one of my tech pieces, this time about IT “pet projects.” If you work in tech, have you been forced to toil on dumb pet projects on your bosses’ whim? If you want to share your funny or sad stories, send me a note at bio at jfruh dot com. I will anonymize to keep you out of trouble!
