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Comics archive!
July, 2009
Gil Thorp, 7/31/09
I was hoping that Marty DeJong’s wrath was going to cause some actual introspection on the part of Gil on how he handles his young charges, but what with Kaz’s quick quips, I see now that these meatheads are completely incapable of self-reflection of any sort without drastic measures. So: remember how at the beginning of The Sixth Sense, Donnie Wahlberg breaks into Bruce Willis’s house and totally kills him, but he doesn’t realize it, and he’s, like, a ghost throughout the whole movie? Well, what if that’s what’s going to happen here? Marty DeJong has in fact already burned down Thorpe Manor, killing the entire Milford coaching staff. Since they very rarely interact with the student athletes they ostensibly coach, and much of the actual day-to-day coaching work is performed by random community members who wander in off the street, it may take them until the middle of basketball season to realize that they’re dead; when that moment comes, they’ll finally walk off into the light in order to reach the next plane of existence, greeted by a white-robed Clambake.
Dick Tracy, 7/31/09
“Yeah, I mean, she’s dead already, so belay that order to do anything urgent about it. We’ve all seen a dead body or twelve, am I right? I know I have. C’mon, these people paid good money for their circus tickets, on with the show! You might want to throw a blanket over her, if you can find one around somewhere; no big deal, otherwise.”
Curtis, 7/31/09
I haven’t mentioned how Curtis has been all Oedipal and creepy and weird for the last two weeks, with Curtis and his dad fighting for Diane’s attention with dueling ailments, but boy howdy has it been all Oedipal and creepy and weird. At least most of the strips have contained actual jokes, or reasonable joke substitutes; today’s strip seems to be under the impression that being Oedipal and creepy and weird qualifies as a punchline in and of itself.
Mark Trail, 7/30/09
Thank goodness there’s been a slight lull in the madness over at Mary Worth, so I can check in with the madness over at Mark Trail! You might recall that our hero carried a wounded Joey Williams away from this very pile of chemical drums after he was felled by a long-distance sniper. But not killed! Mark says that the mysterious sniper took on the very difficult task of wounding Joey deliberately, because Joey’s no good to the gangsters dead. And Mark would know! He’s a smart guy! You can tell he’s smart because of the way that he’s just standing idly about, presumably in an ankle-deep puddle of toxic waste, at the scene where mere hours ago a hidden assailant brought down a snooper with a single shot, talking conversationally to nobody in particular about the bad guy’s plans, before deciding that he won’t be able to crack the case without his dog. I’m not sure if panel two’s extreme close-up of Mark’s forehead is supposed to help us better imagine the burning smell of Mark’s brain circuitry as he thinks extra-hard, or if there was supposed to be a rifle-scope target imposed over the scene that was accidentally left out.
Family Circus, 7/30/09
Their previous attempt may have failed, but the Keane parents seem determined to sacrifice their children to the terrible Ant Gods. Let’s wish them luck!
Beetle Bailey, 7/29/09
The action in today’s Beetle Bailey obviously violates every workplace sexual harassment regulation known to man, not that I expect Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC to realize that there might be something inappropriate about handing a co-worker a skimpy undergarment and then demanding that she put it on right in front of you. Ignoring that for the moment, though, I do have to say that I like the (probably accidental) way that the always-unsettling wiggle lines of horniness emitted by Killer’s hat-nodules form what appear to be quotation marks around the word “present.” “I got you a ‘present.’ Well, it’s not really a present for you.”
Crock, 7/29/09
Now here’s a problem that arises when the art in your strip is mangled and impenetrable: I guess today’s punchline is supposed to some cruel joke about how the librarian’s girlfriend is ugly, but this being Crock, who can tell? Whether the joke is about supposedly ugly people or supposedly pretty people, they’re all just barely-recognizable Crock-squiggles.
Dick Tracy, 7/29/09
Wait, did I say that Dick Tracy was like German expressionist film? Now that we have an elaborately dressed ringmaster responding to a tragic scene by repeatedly shouting “It happened!”, I’m updating that assessment to David Lynch.
It’s nice of Dick to address our no-doubt-implicated-in-the-crime-but-still-emotionally-tortured ringmaster as “Mr. Ringmaster.” He knows that it costs him nothing to be polite, just as it will cost our overburdened court systems nothing when he executes everyone involved without trial in front of hundreds of horrified onlookers.
Mary Worth, 7/29/09
Oh, goodness, Charley isn’t just a sex pervert, but also an alcoholic, by which I mean “someone who drinks alcohol that isn’t the terrible ketchup-red wine they serve at the Bum Boat.” Delilah is right to cringe on that couch in terror! Of course she wants plain soda water, as flavored sodas are far too exciting.
Family Circus, 7/29/09
As several faithful readers have pointed out, this Family Circus camping sequence actually consists of reruns from the early 1980s. This explains the vintage station wagon, and the hanky code.
Pardon me for interrupting this magical trip to Charley’s sex palace, but I do want to briefly feature several items that may be of interest to you, because I wrote them! First, and perhaps most exciting, is a new thing I’m doing for Newsweek’s Human Condition blog! It’s called “MediCinema” and can best be described as “like the Comics Curmudgeon, except for prescription drug ads.” Check it out! It could be a one-off thing or it could be a regular feature, depending on its reception, so receive it well, please!
Also! I wrote a couple of possible interesting things for ITworld.com yesterday — one about funny error messages going public by mistake and one about techies changing jobs to flee from terrible tools. Check ’em out, if you’re into that sort of thing!
Finally, to prove that it isn’t all about me — for those of you who need more detail on the whole Marty DeJong backstory in Gil Thorp, turn to the incomparable This Week In Milford blog, which has a good summary and links to the DeJong-related comics from 2003 (with special appearances from a young Brent Raptor). Turns out Gil sort-of-but-not-really advised Marty to skip college and head for pro baseball. How’d that work out? Not well, as apparently a modern high school education doesn’t even prepare you to be a decent arsonist.
Mary Worth, 7/28/09
Oh, for … are you telling me that Delilah isn’t even going to be allowed to enjoy some revenge flirting, never mind revenge sex, before having her nose rubbed in the festering singularity of human degradation that’s at Charley’s core, obscured by his smooth moves and his chest hair and his stripey shirt? Delilah is clearly not used to seeing the female form in anything less than a jumpsuit (she turns the lights off when she showers, obviously) and has been brought to the brink of vomiting by whatever piece of specialized artwork Charley has hanging in his foyer. This masterpiece is kind of hard to see, but let’s zoom in for a closer look:
My God, it appears to be a female human wearing a one-piece bathing suit! Do you expect us to believe that depraved monsters walk among us who actually collect “that sort of thing”? What do we pay taxes for if not to ensure that these sex-demons are rounded up, chemically castrated, and interned behind barbed wire in pervert camps out in Montana somewhere? Won’t somebody think of the children?
Oh yeah, the children! Charley can hang up repulsive cheesecake shots (and, worse, decadent modern art like the painting in panel two) because his love pad is a no-kids zone, which obviously makes him an inhuman devil-thing! Remember, kids are for “other people” — specifically, people who don’t live in an all-adult condo community like Charterstone, where children are specifically forbidden in rules laid down by the board. Hmm, you know, there’s another character in this strip who was married but apparently lives a childfree lifestyle … doesn’t seem the worse for it … older lady … doesn’t have her character assassinated … can’t quite place her …
Wait, I’m s sorry, I was letting my mind drift from the core message of this strip, which that Charley is a child-hating sex criminal with terrible taste in art, and that Delilah will soon enough be running away from his wall-mounted centerfolds and back to her lonely, empty apartment, where at least her virginal eyes are shielded from such horror. Let’s take another look at that painting so we can condemn it further, shall we?
You know, now that I’m looking at it again, it seems that the lampshade is almost the exact same flesh tone as the model in Charley’s awful picture. Maybe that’s what’s got Delilah so worked up — it’s part of Charley’s “ladies I have skinned” collection. “Kids are for other people, Delilah! Sure, there are kid specialists, but there just isn’t enough raw material in your average child to make a nice lamp or even a book binding. Frankly, I don’t have the patience to capture enough to meet my needs!”
Gil Thorp, 7/28/09
Hey, Gil Thorp, you know how excited I was when I realized you’d be bringing back beloved characters from the past? Well, I’d appreciate it if they weren’t from before December of 2004, when I started reading this strip. Fortunately, faithful reader dannymo has the story, which, in a nutshell, is that Marty DeJong led Milford’s baseball team to the last championship anyone can remember, but ruined his arm in the process, leading him angry and brooding and hungry for fiery revenge against Coach Thorp. I predict Gil will somehow get him to coach the hobo little league, completely displacing Ted Pearse, who will respond by burning Gil’s house to the ground.
Marmaduke, 7/28/09
I’m a little concerned about precisely what vaguely spherical head-sized object Mrs. Hitler has in that sack; I worry that it is, in fact, a severed human head, and this is part of some plan of hers to teach her unruly dog a modicum of manners. “Look, he’s got to understand that human heads are not toys! It’s the only way he’ll learn!”
COTW coming momentarily, but first, a fun link from faithful reader CK! Comic artist R. Sikoryak has put a book of classic tales imagined in the style of various comic artists! You’ll enjoy the whole thing, but you’ll particularly want to move forward to page three to see role Mary Worth was born to play: Lady MacBeth.
And now, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!
“The damage this week’s Luann is going to do to countless naive teenage boys is almost unbear — wait, I forgot teenage boys would rather swallow a bottle rocket than read Luann. You dodged a bullet there, little friends.” –Marion Delgado
And the many runners up! Very funny!
“I like how Archie is envisioning changing into a long-sleeve shirt before he punches Reggie in the face. Though perhaps it’s not Archie at all, but Mark Trail making a crossover appearance. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pictured Mark getting all punchy on someone who’s pissed me off. Well, actually I never have, but I probably will now.” –kevinbapp.com
“MW: I can’t really see where this story is going, apart from an increasingly bizarre series of spontaneous walks.” –Mooncattie
“The Dalai Lama wishes to give you a blessing, Margo. And by ‘blessing’, I of course mean ‘exorcism’.” –seismic-2
“Next week, in a very special Apartment 3-G, Margo grabs the Dalai Lama by the balls and yells in his face for six straight days.” –Lolsworth
“Exactly what kind of ‘story book‘ is Connie talking about here, The Soporific Non-Adventure of the College Acquaintances Who Eventually Became Neighbors and Made Desultory Conversation While Watching Their Kids Not Play in the Park? Sometimes ‘gripping’ seems like such an inadequate word.” –Violet
“I did nature programs at a summer camp for a few years, and I never saw kids standing around outside with expressions quite like that. Are they on wee little downers, or what?” –Poteet
“I plan to keep on reading Mark Trail no matter WHAT happens.” –True Fable
“It bothers me that characters in Judge Parker are constantly shrouded in mysterious and dramatic shadows while they say and do utterly mundane things. Meanwhile, the characters in Gil Thorp are invariably well-lit, despite their totally incomprehensible behavior.” –Trilobite
“Oh, Gil Thorp! How I love your giant manly knuckles, and your large slablike faces and guyish locks of hair falling over intense mysterious sunglassed eyes while you speak in deep tones of incomprehensible things! Oh my. I need to sit down.” –Bootsy
“Dear Lord! It’s 2019! ’Shaft should be hooked up to fully immersed VR Porn simulation until his kidneys and spleen give out! Please give him an honorable death!” –AeroSquid
“‘Unofficial P.I. Bob Kazinski gets to work’ is the greatest intro ever, assuming that you’re cool with ‘getting to work’ meaning ‘asking your unofficial client an awkward question’ and ‘leaping to an unjustified conclusion from said question and relating it to Kelly.’” –Cranky
“I just can’t look away from the Ringo the Ringmaster’s sad, soulful eyes in Panel 1. You can tell he didn’t think his life would turn out this way. He didn’t want to get involved in circus-themed crime. He just wanted to make children smile, and now Dick Tracy is going to punch out his spleen, shove it down his throat, and throw him into the tiger cage.” –Comrade Denny
“Kaz is so baked. Next he’ll be calling athletic supply companies: ‘Did somebody order a lot of balls? Like … a lot of them?’” –Donald The Anarchist
“There are three suspicious people with baseballs down at the county park. They’re easy to recognize as they have no facial features.” –zerowolf
“That’ll take care of any evidence I left behind! Now to walk back to the city on foot with a sniper rifle.” –Dagger
“And here I was, left without anything to bring my friend to her suicide party. A Ziggy cake will work great!” –Ista
“I figured out why Cindy looks twenty years younger than her decrepit peers. She escaped Westview years ago and thus no longer eats Montoni’s Pizza every single day. Maybe she even occasionally eats a vegetable that is not an oil-drenched topping.” –anty a
“Nothing ever sounds less stilted in the original German.” –Packherd
“I can’t believe Kaz keeps letting ‘Gil’s balls’ fly past him without taking a double entendre swing at them. C’mon man: ‘Made any progress today, babe?’ ‘Big Time, Princess Leia. No professional has ever touched Gil’s balls.’ It’s fucking T-ball, dude.” –lunarhalo
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave/ Something something Delilah’s a skeeve.” –Sir Walter Greenback
“Mary Worth is making the classic mistake of dealing only with the popular half of a quote. ‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave … when we practice to deceive.’ Except Delilah’s not deceiving anyone. Not only does her ex-boyfriend know she’s married, but she practically announced to Mary and her husband that she’s about to go shtup the moron, and will undoubtedly break down and confess exactly 0.3 seconds after seeing Mary tomorrow morning. Really, the only thing this half-quote has accomplished was to make me picture Mary Worth as a multi-eyed, multi-limbed spider-human hybrid. Thanks for that, Sir Walter Scott. Thanks a lot.” –Black Drazon
“I believe Delilah’s raven hair signifies her status as a fallen woman in the Worth-iverse. In recent storylines, Mary Worth has interfered in the lives of vacant blondes (like that ice skater and the other one who was married to Santa Claus) whose light-colored hair signified their status as naive innocents. Mary’s own hair, of course, is perfectly white as she is without sin.” –Joe Blevins
“Our last night in the pass was bitter cold, which is why I was wearing a windbreaker over my turtleneck, just in case.” –One-eyed Wolfdog
“The facial expression of Gil Thorp’s culprit betrays his intention to soon commit Seppuku. ‘I have brought shame upon my family! Quickly, hand me that letter opener!’” –Disingenuous Penguin
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