Main content:
Comics archive!
August, 2009
Apartment 3-G, 8/31/09
For too long, Professor Aristotle “The Professor” Papagoras has been denied his very own Apartment 3-G plotline. This is because it’s been hard to come up with a story for him that can match the heart-stopping intensity of such classics as “Margo is a bad event planner,” “Lu Ann visits her parents in South Dakota, apparently, even though we only get to see what’s happening out there like two or three days out of the month,” and “Tommie is too boring to move to Denver.” But it seems that the good professor’s profession will serve as the source of drama in coming months, as he quickly becomes an easy connection for pill-happy tourists looking to soothe their minds by ingesting the best that the pharmaceutical industry has to offer. Having learned just what happens when you come between an addict and their fix, Ari will be cheerfully writing prescriptions to whatever fresh-faced pill-poppers wander into his office.
Crankshaft, 8/31/09
Ha ha, it’s funny because Crankshaft is comparing his job as a school bus driver in a sleepy small middle American town with that of a soldier in Iraq who might be blown to bits with an IED! Of course, he is surrounded at all times by people who want to kill him, with explosives.
Mary Worth, 8/30/09
Could there be anything more delightful than the third panel of Sunday’s Mary Worth? My guess is no! Mary and Tobey are clearly bombed out of their minds after spending three hours drinking their lunch as usual; Tobey attempts a sloppy high-five in celebration of terrible couples bound more tightly together in dysfunction’s death grip, while Mary leaves her hanging and stares glassily into the middle distance. Things go downhill a bit as she ruminates on all the societal ills that her meddling has somehow failed to rectify, but I love the transition between the penultimate and final panels. Could love help overcome these important problems? As panel three demonstrates, clearly not, because if this is love, then love is repugnant beyond description.
Crock, 8/30/09
Ha ha, the heat is killing him! It’s funny because a prisoner locked in a hotbox and left out to broil in the desert sun would literally die, from the heat.
Marvin, 8/30/09
August 30, 2009, will forever be remembered as “the day Marvin showed us his ass-crack, and nobody stopped him.”
Spider-Man, 8/30/09
Now that family-friendly Disney has purchased Marvel, I’m afraid our saucy NEXT! box will have to stop hinting at hot mutant-on-cyborg-on-spider-bite-enhanced-dude action.
Slylock Fox, 8/30/09
Solution — The chain may be too strong for the saw, but Slylock’s leg isn’t. Slylock will plead for his sidekick to reconsider, but Max will just think back to years of condescension and abuse, and smile.
Archie, 8/29/09
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m vaguely curious to see if the “Archie proposes to Veronica” storyline percolates its way out to the ass-end of the Archie universe (i.e., the newspaper comic strip). The fact that Archie is doing some woo-pitching leaning right there under the tree onto which a proclamation of the eternal love between Archie Andrews and Betty Cooper was once carved. This ought to presage the trail of broken hearts and ruined lives that will be the only possible acceptable denouement to this ill-conceived plot.
Meanwhile, the specific joke today in today’s strip smacks of the AJGLU-3000’s linear humor algorithm. “ARCHIE-UNIT! YOUR SHIRT-DISPLAY OUGHT TO INCREMENT BY A REGULAR AMOUNT EACH STANDARD TIME INTERVAL! YOU WILL RECEIVE NO FURTHER AFFECTION FROM THIS UNIT UNTIL YOU DON YOUR ‘8′ GARMENT!”
Hi and Lois, 8/29/09
Poor Lois wants nothing more nor less than for Hi to come upstairs and satisfy her sexually, but, being a permanent part of a family-friendly newspaper comic strip, can only express her lust in this stilted and roundabout fashion. At least she isn’t suggesting that they “practice making a baby.”
Mary Worth, 8/28/09
Is there anything worse than hearing Tobey natter on in barely coded terms about all the new sex positions she and Ian tried out in various dank castles across Scotland? Turns out there is, and it’s watching Dr. Jeff’s socially inept daughter make out with her ethics-challenged cop boyfriend, right there on the park bench where children can see it.
Momma, 8/28/09
Is there anything worse than Momma’s unsettlingly close relationship with her youngest son? Turns out there is, and it’s hearing her go on and on and on about how all these girls on the beaches today, showing so much skin, they’re just whores whores whores whores.
Family Circus, 8/28/09
Is there anything worse than seeing Jeffy’s pale, naked, fleshy thighs? Turns out there isn’t, so please, please, Mommy Keane, I don’t know what the insane nonsense coming out of Jeffy’s mouth is supposed to mean, but just make soothing noises that will get him to put his pants back on, OK?
Hagar the Horrible, 8/28/09
Looks like another harsh winter in Scandinavia has our favorite band of Viking raiders on the edge of starvation! Good times.
WHAT? AGAIN?: Hey, everyone, we’re going off on a weekend getaway, this weekend, so you may have to wait until Monday for your weekend comics. Then again, it’s supposed to rain, so you may get glum rainy-day vacation blogging. ONLY TIME WILL TELL! Tell then, why not play some Mark Trail Bingo, as developed by faithful reader Aviatrix? Faithful readers spacemika and bats :[ even made boards!
One Big Happy, 8/27/09
You might think that my favorite One Big Happy character would be Ruthie, standing as she does on the knife’s edge between adorable high-spirited child and wild-eyed maniac. But I’m actually pretty partial to Joe’s moments in the spotlight, as it’s easy to see the belligerent and unemployed 25-year-old in his future. I thoroughly enjoy his third-panel soliloquy in particular, with its casual use of “do me one” and “aw right” (let’s ignore for the moment the fact that “don’t poke my eye in the bouncy house” sounds positively filthy); and I love the fact that whatever adult that retreating back in panel one belongs to has completely checked out by the end of the comic, leaving Joe to angrily berate a plastic penguin.
Mary Worth, 8/27/09
My goodness, is this the first evidence we’ve had that Mary is not, in fact, omniscient? Mary seems to think that all Delilah did was wander around the sterile Chartersone grounds for a bit ruminating on how great it was to be married to the bland, emotionally absent Lawrence; she apparently knows nothing about Delilah’s visit to Charley’s terrifying sex lair. Is Mary not perhaps the all-seeing, all-controlling puppetmaster that she seems to be? Or is she simply leaving out the most exciting part of this story because she fears that Tobey, too, will be tempted to test her devotion to her bearish Scottish spouse by checking out her neighbor’s art … of a kind?
Gil Thorp, 8/27/09
Well, this Gil Thorp summer storyline got dulled up real fast, with rage-maddened stalker Marty DeJong instantly finding personal fulfillment in coaching poor children. But the second panel is pretty poignant, with Marty saying that striking someone out — something he’ll never do again, since he blew his arm out under “Coach” Thorp’s “care” — is the best feeling a human being can experience. Presumably after dropping Casper off at home, Marty will go quietly hang himself from a tree in the Thorps’ front yard; it’s the sort of thing that would devastate Gil, if Gil were the type of guy who cared about things.
Apartment 3-G, 8/27/09
You know, if Margo or even Lu Ann were to tell some dapper gentleman “I want to thank you for last night,” she would mean “I want to thank you for the new heights of physical pleasure we reached together last night.” But this is Tommie, so she means “Thanks for the subtle unpaid grief counseling you offered to my much more interesting roommate last night,” obviously.
Mark Trail, 9/26/09
Well, at last we know that “fishing trip” was the activation code phrase that the cruel scientists at the secret government bioweapons lab implanted into the brain of the hideous genetically engineered test subject known only as “Rusty.” Upon hearing those syllables, every gland in his Frankenstein-like body begins pumping at full speed, his pupils dilate, his breath quickens, his muscles expand, and the killing begins. The poor down-on-their luck couple in panel three will have another few minutes to sadly brush their little girl’s hair before a blood-drenched Rusty bursts through the window, screaming “CAN SASSY COME WITH US” at the top of his lungs as he attempts to bite off all of their skin.
Blondie, 8/26/09
Good lord, Blondie, are you trying to kill Dagwood? We all know he can maintain consciousness for only about six hours a day, with extended desk- and couch-based naps filling in the hours before his early bedtime and after his always-late morning awakening. Without that caffeine, his whole system might just shut down entirely. That shaking in the final panel is probably his body desperately trying to stay erect; in another few moments he’s just going to pass out right there in front of the water cooler.
Slylock Fox, 8/26/09
5) Rhinos are, like, totally baked, like, all the time. Answer — totally true, man!
