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Metapost: Comments, we get comments

Hey, if it’s Sunday, it must be time for the Comment of the Week!

“Um … Rusty? The Lollipop Guild called and you’re to report back to work tomorrow.” –Dingo

And also time for the Comments of the Weeks Runners Ups!

“Man, you wanna see pure shattered heartbreak summed up in a single drawing, check out Tommie’s face in the last panel of today’s 3G. She looks like she just saw Lassie get shot.” –Tats

“The way Amos is sitting in the first panel of 9CL makes my clitoris wither and die.” –Anonymous

“I appreciate Vera’s haunted look of resignation in Tuesday’s Mary Worth. She’s trying hard to convince herself that anything would be better than her room in a condemned tenement, even an apartment in the Charterstone House of the Damned, right next door to Meddlin’ Mary. Personally, I think I’d rather dodge falling plaster and fight rats for my dinner, but I’m not going to make fun of Vera for choosing a different path. Instead I’ll make fun of her ghastly balloon-shaped head and her impossibly flat face.” –Trilobite

MT: Yessir, we’re just going to have to forget all about old Dan. Gotta get our minds on something else. Hey, I know, let’s clean Dan’s boat! What’s that stuck to the bottom of the boat there, Rusty? OH MY GOD, A HUMAN HEAD!!!” –Ham Gravy

“So the guy in Gil Thorp hit himself on the head several times, then said he didn’t see who did it, in order to … play first string on the basketball team? Through the power of innuendo? At least he’s got the balls to be an arrogant dick about it. Maybe that attitude will make him a starter. ‘That dick who clubbed himself … watch out when he’s guarding you, stupid!’” –ohyes

“Why the [Margo] do these three dames keep rooming together? I realize NYC housing prices are high, but are they THAT high? I would think the therapy required to cope with Margo’s emotional abuse would be expensive also.” –Poteet

“I think the ‘vibration lines’ being emitted by Tommie in the first panel of today’s 3G are simply being ‘bounced back’ to Margo in the third panel, like bats communicating in screeches and sonar. Perhaps they’re dolphins, or better, vampires.” –Gabe

“When Anthony and Liz end up getting together, I may end up kicking the computer screen, karate style. For that reason, I plan on reading all future adventures of the Foobs on my boyfriend’s computer.” –Adah

“A Ziggy who needs to wipe is funny/ But you can bet your house and money/ That you’d be singing a different song/ If you had to see Ziggy’s dong.” –Kurdt

“I mean, seriously, has Ziggy — after 30-some years — ever elicited even half a ‘ha’ before? This is an amazing precedent. And then you think of him chasing the dog around with his tiny pants around his meaty ankles, his butt only from its position barely distinguishable from his head, and your half a ‘ha’ comes screeching to a nauseated halt.” –Edgy DC

“Well, yeah, Tyler, we do think you’re stupid. You’re still the guy who intentionally hit himself in the back of the head with a stick until you bled. There are no winners here.” –NJP

“Without an adorable animal in love and/or peril, Mark Trail is just a lifeless, soul-sucking waste of time.” –Squid Countess

“Wow, a guy running a family pizza joint in 2007 thinks a smoking section is a good idea. This will result in bankruptcy, followed by Tony Montoni’s silent Mafia partners beating him to a pulp when he can’t pay his monthly dues, followed by Tony becoming a smack addict. He will still be above the median happiness for a Funky Winkerbean character.” –Steve S

“I hope Neddy appreciates the options life can offer her. She could be a Ph.D. candidate AND a hooker! ‘Cause in the Judge Parker universe, women CAN have it all!” –Donald The Anarchist

“Holy shit, something happened in Spider-Man! I look forward to a week of Dara Dorset being pulled into the limo. ‘I didn’t call for a limo!’ ‘Just get in the limo!’ ‘Who are you? I didn’t call for this limo!’ ‘You’ll find out soon enough!’ Dara Dorset, who claimed to be Spider-Man’s wife, is being forced into a limo! ‘Help!’ ‘Shut your mouth and get into the limo, lady!’ ‘Just get in the limo, lady!’ ‘Who are you? Help!’ Then Spider-Man falls into an open manhole or something.” –LV

“Has any human being in history ever said, ‘I’m from Brooklyn, New York’? As we all know, if you’re from a borough of New York you automatically a) assume everyone else in the world is constantly thinking about your borough and about how cool your borough is and therefore b) it would never occur to you in a million years to add ‘New York’. It’s like saying ‘I like spaghetti pasta food.’” –Albtraum

“Ah, scheming Margo, how I love thee … and thy thrusting finger of mischief.” –Hogen Mogen

“The combination of cloying fake maudlin sentimentality over Mike’s book combined with the brain-dead leaden foreshadowing for Liz makes one physically ill — it’s like being force-fed badly made cotton candy and funnel cake with bits of cinder block added for fiber.” –Professor Fate

“Well, you’d obviously learn a lot about human nature by having sex with an endless stream of unwashed Frenchmen. But I’m surprised they actually hand out a Ph.D.” for it.” –cheech wizard

“Other comics’ storylines branch. Funky’s metastasize.” –Uncle Lumpy

“The newest Luann has our titular (obligatory hee) heroine discovering Toni Daytona has been at Brad’s bachelor den through the evidence of an abandoned glove embroidered ‘T.D.’ Next week: Luann discovers Toni Daytona’s disloyalty when she finds her fan at Lord Darlington’s apartments! She rushes to tell Brad, but he has already sent Miss Daytona’s father, Sir Roderick Daytona, a lengthy letter of proposal sealed with his own signet ring! Wacky hijinks involving a loveless honor-driven marriage ensue. Also, Brad takes to wearing a cravat and taking snuff, and saying ‘Sink me!’” –Laura

“Judging from the stilted quasi-Victorian English of her thought balloons, Vera Shields must be the lovechild of Jane Austen and C. Montgomery Burns.” –TurtleBoy

And, finally, it’s also time for our weekly advertiser lovefest.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

225 responses to “Metapost: Comments, we get comments”

  1. Poteet
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, Josh, and, um, thank you, Margo. Now those are three words I never thought I’d utter.

  2. Maughta
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    Aaaaaargh….posts….coming….toooooo…..fast……can’t……keep……up……

  3. Trotzenbonnie
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    Dingo! Congratulations! Corks are poppin’! You’re on the altar!

  4. Poteet
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    Yes, congratulations, Dingo! I know you’ve worked hard for this moment. And congratulations to all the runners-up! Sorry, I was momentarily stunned to see that Margo landed me on the list.

  5. Trotzenbonnie
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    Poteet–
    I didn’t even read all of the comments before I posted. I was so happy for Dingo.
    My congratulations go to you, too. Yours are always the most charming snarks. Are you sure you’re not a Southern girl?
    And to Uncle Lumpy who appeared by popular demand. And HogenM and the counter of squids. Wow. Today’s COTW installment is quite a stellar line up.
    Huzzah to all!

  6. Tats
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    For the second week in a row, I get runner-up for a comment detailing Tommie’s mental trauma. I’m almost guilty for exploiting this poor woman’s mental trauma, but then I remember no one cares about Tommie and I feel better.

  7. Red Greenback
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, Dingo!…Finally!

  8. Gabe
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    You should caveat that is the OTHER GABE, not the real deal. He also needs to get some other handle, cause damn if I’m changing.

    Also, kudos to LV (I assume it’s my LV, since last time I saw him he was sporting a Licorice on the internets shirt) for commenting once in a blue moon and getting a recognition. This is seriously one of the funniest motherfuckers alive, and deserves praise at all times.

  9. Daisy
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    I absolutely love Laura’s summary of the Luann glove deal….”Sink me!” That’s perfect :D

  10. Uncle Lumpy
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations, Dingo!

    And at this rate of posting, we’ll celebrate the next Millenipost on June 14!

  11. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to Dingo on this week’s COTW. A trophy to wield in the sun as you lead the 300.

  12. Squid Countess
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations Dingo! And to my fellow (yay!) runners up.

    Is Rusty Mark’s adopted son? If so, why does he call him Mark? That bothers me every time the weird-headed little guy makes an appearance.

    To whomever said, “Thank God Mark wasn’t confronted with a lag screw or a C-hook…” I can’t find your comment now, but it really made me laugh. Josh must have missed it.

  13. Poteet
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    # 5 — Trotzenbonnie, thank you most kindly. As Poteet Canyon, I’m from Texas, so I guess I’m a Southern girl in that sense. And you are so right about Dingo. It’s great that he’s won the gold this week.

  14. Randy S
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    General question of nettiquette.
    When Josh posts several new posts in a row, which particular thread should be posted to, when one wants to make a general comment not directly related to any of the specific posts?

  15. pesch
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    Randy: The latest one. Saves brain space for hitting yourself in the head later.

  16. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know if this is the “right” answer, but I pretty much always comment only on the most recent post.

  17. PeteMoss
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    Damn! I wish I’d said that!

    Congrats to all!

  18. Poteet
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    On the other hand, if you feel a little shy, old posts offer an interesting opportunity to reach a smaller, select, possibly fanatic audience:-).

  19. Non-Shannon
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    YAAAAAAY DINGO! Keep on rockin’ in the twee world!!!

  20. Randy S
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    Ok, thanks to everyone who answered that. That was kinda what I was thinking too, but it seems like kind of a waste for the other threads.

    Oh and Poteet, I was having a similar thought recently with all these “millenipost” comments when links were being posted to past posts. I noticed that a lot of the oldest posts didn’t have very many comments, and I thought to myself, what’s to stop some group of demented anarchists from taking over one of those old threads and wasting bandwidth there? Hmmm… Maybe I’ve said too much. Don’t want to give anyone ideas

  21. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 25th, 2007 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    Oh, speaking of old posts, the subject matter for Pearls Before Swine from May 6th, 2006, turned out to become unfortunately grim approximately four months after it was published. You can see what I mean here.

  22. Uncle Lumpy
    March 25th, 2007 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    #20 Randy -

    WordPress emails every comment to Josh, so if it became a big issue, he would know, and could turn up the blast shields on the spam filter.

    In principle, anybody can subscribe to the comments RSS feed to see every comment. The only problems are:

    1) the comments RSS feed hasn’t worked since the latest WordPress upgrade

    2) the feed was always gappy, so late-night comments in particular got skipped

    3) so far as I know, only Charlotte and I ever admitted using RSS for comments (and for passing notes to one another in really old threads).

  23. Randy S
    March 25th, 2007 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    Interesting…

  24. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 25th, 2007 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    I find it intriguing that Josh has (see one of the 632 other posts put up today) been the subject of rumors and innuendo. Is it true, for example, that Josh can write the Lord’s Prayer on the head of a pin? Or that he owns a pair of magical socks, which enable him to fly invisibly through even daylit skies?

  25. Plinko Commie
    March 25th, 2007 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    And Monday’s FOOB is off and running with the latest emasculation of an unworthy unPatterson. Though you do have to hand it to the soon-to-be-banished Gerald — his brand of making moves would probably only work in a John Larroquette-David Leisure sitcom, but at least he has the gravitas to imply getting roadside in The Family Reunion That Never Ever Ends.

    My prediction: Mewedith discovers Gerald and Apwil in the thwoes … er, throes … of Canadicourse. She’s probably walked in on her parents getting it on. Now she’ll get to see a male have sex.

    Ah, the Patterson basement, where John’s running trains and April’s having trains run on her.

  26. Alex Blase
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    This week’s Qomics for Queers is up. You can check it out by clicking on my name.

  27. srah
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    #22 – An alternative to the comments feed: CoComment. Of course, you’d have to manually add each thread, but if you’re commenting on every post already it might not be much of a stretch. Might be worth looking into, anyway.

  28. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    #24 Gadge -

    Why, I hear tell Josh can make it rain – and Tom Batuik’s got him on retainer!

    One time, he snarked Curtis‘s barber so hard all his hair fell out!

    Yessiree, the Post isn’t really dropping all those comics — they’re just hiding ‘em from Josh!

  29. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    #27 srah -

    Thanks for the tip. Since Josh’s posts are sequential (as well we know!), maybe it’s possible to preload CoComment a month at a time or so.

  30. Poteet
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    # 20 — Randy, actually I meant the “old” posts at the bottom of each day’s page. I should have said “recent” posts. New comments sometimes appear on those recent posts even after most snarkers have moved on to the newest posts, and some people just can’t resist trying to catch those stray comments sometimes. (Rolls eyes to ceiling, whistles softly.)

    # 24 — Gadge, I heard a very reliable rumor that when Pope Josh reads a comment that he thinks is really outstandingly funny, he levitates about an inch and a half above his chair. But it only happens once or twice a week.

  31. Dingo
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    WOOHOO!!! Thank you all for the congratulations. I came on the site tonight to inform you that the newspaper writer who had posted the story on Enjoy Illinois (please vote for Starved Rock) and Starved Rock State Park’s 1% showing as of Friday contacted me today. I had left him a message late that evening to say that in four hours we had raised the total from 1% to 28%. He wrote:

    I’m glad you upped Starved Rock by such a percentage. I agree, the Rock is easily more of a wonder than a choo-choo museum. I might have to do an update on your efforts!

    SNARKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! THERE IS NO PRIME RIB IN HELL BUT VICTORY HERE WILL BE OURS! MORE ZIPPERS, MULE!!!!!!!

    I shall practice my lap-2-3-4 pearls-2-3-4 wave-2-3-4 lap and repeat for the parade. Leather speedo with cape.

  32. left of the pyle
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    Gig. Gig. Gig. Gig.

  33. left of the pyle
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    25 Plinko Commie: Comment of the Fucking Week, and s/he does it on the CotW thread.

    Might as well be silent for the rest of the week, children, unless you’re satisfied with being a Runner Up.

  34. Mibbitmaker
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    The post title immediately made me think of the theme to the old “CBS Mailbag” theme. Hit it, Paul Shaffer!…

    Comments! We get comments! We get lots and lots of comments!…..COMMEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNTS!

  35. Mibbitmaker
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    #34 (me): Okay, do your own umpteenth recitation of FST’s “dept. of redundancy dept.”.

  36. ChefMike
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    #12: My uncle married a woman with two kids and he legally adopted them, to this day even now that both are married with kids of their own they still refer to him by his first name ( their kids call him grandpa, though) OTOH I have an aunt who married into a family, and she’s always been ‘mom’ to her adopted children

  37. Mibbitmaker
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    At the risk of triple-posting, 3/26:

    FOOB: Uh………oooooh!! Road -wait for it- side!! (With apologies to “How I Met Your Mother”) And isn’t this how Eric got started? (my kingdom for ‘uh-oh’ smilie icons on blog comments!)

    Mutts: The next panel, unseen, has Beetle Bailey’s General seeing the cat driving a toy car playing with a paddle ball, Halftrack saying, “Now what?”

    A3G: Wow, that Gerald from FOOB really gets around, doesn’t he?

    Cranky: No ‘death with dignity’ for Al…!

    Nancy: Proof that Craig Ferguson does not ghost-write this strip.

  38. True Fable
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    Congratulations Dingo! Absolutely best choice.

    And congratulations also to the runner’s-up. This has just been a heck of a good snarkin’ week. I’m sure next week’s strips will give everyone an optimum opportunity to call it like they see it.

    I feel a rant coming on (yeah like when do I not, but I digress) but I think I’ll let it simmer a little longer. I’m sure that in the next couple of days I’ll have all the ammunition I need to really let out a good squawk about a Certain Comic Strip.

    XD

  39. ChefMike
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    and now for a few comments on Monday’s comics

    Crankshaft: is there really such a thing as “terminal gas?” and if so why hasn’t it appeared as a plotline in Funky Winkerbean yet?
    BB: sounds like my kind of diet book, though if I were writing one, I’d have a little more content, “Put down this book and go for a walk, tubby!”
    MT: I hate seeing a tense plotline stalled out like this, but it’s what I’ve come to expect from Mark Trail, and in fact all soap opera strips, the only redeeming quality? Giant chickadees!
    TDIET: So, Johnny Dee of Sarasota is POed cause he has to spend two extra dollars to keep up with the rising cost of postage stamps? maybe all he really needs to do is join the rest of the 21st century and learn to pay his bills online, or at the very least pay them over the phone, that’ll save him a ton of postage ohh yeahhh!
    GF: I guess Darby just gave up and let all his recurring characters move into the house so he wouldn’t have to waste a day’s strip explaining how or why they came to visit, now their presence can just be taken for granted.

  40. Mibbitmaker
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    More 3/26:

    RMMD: Next panel:
    Heather:Come lie down? W-with you, June?”
    June: “Why, of course!”

    …And everybody forgets about April and Gerald!

    PC: Fired?! …Now, before anyone here says “It couldn’t happen to a more deserving comic strip”, remember, there’s still a drunken duck working the funnies. …Nah, probably just an Affirmative Action theme this week.

    9CL: Of course, with that attitude, Edda’s going to have to immediately damn herself in tophet (whatever that is?).

    JP: “This is kind of fun, actually!” Let’s see if Neddy still feels that way when those dudes are raping her. Yeesh!

    MT: It’s a shame that we have to watch these people figure out what Dan did while we’d be missing the real treat of seeing the Giant Bird Workin’ the Trapeze act in the LoFo Ginormous Animals Circus! Amazing acts, and drawn better, too!

    MW: Oh, jeez, she’s bringing out the platitudes already! Run, Vera, run!!

  41. ChefMike
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    #40 MM (with much thanks to Wikipedia) Tophet is a location near Jerusalem where according to the Bible, the Canaanites sacrificed children to the god Moloch by burning them alive. It is thought to be a specific geographic location within the valley of Gehenna. It has become a synonym for hell.
    more information on this and other synonyms for hell can be found you know where

  42. Lynngineering
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:43 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: Michael’s Dreams of twisted cautionary tales leading to “Michael- goodness” at the soft core of the story continue unabated as expected. Like in all dreams, his authorial shortcomings are balanced by the ability to cut to parts he wants to see happen. Along the way, he reimagineered first Warren (Whoa, Whoa, Whoa – babes!) now Gerald (another member of the bad-influence band “Hormonal Youth”, just into lyin, drinkin, sleepin with..) all “men” of the same fraternal order of Canadiots.

    At the same time, as only a brother could, his egotistical, self-centered needs practically blended his sisters into two halves of the same sibling-to-manipulate-by-men-gleefuly character.

    And what a dreamlike sudden appearance out of the shadows of an open couch bed in the basement rec room. Only the bad author Michael, in a hurry to get to the cautionary part, would forget to introduce April’s actions a bit as a build-up, as at least partially believable with some motives. Maybe SHE should have decided if she wants to “open the couch-bed” or keep it closed before Gerald just shows up all sweaty and pushy and out of breath, and jumps all over it ingraciously. Instead she enters into the LIz-perspective of all…”huh?..wha..??”

    And for that matter, no amount of reimagineering Gerald will give him the balls he lacks. Till yesterday that guy felt it wasn’t beneath his “masculinity” to be playing in a band that had the dumbest name, get stepped all over by Becky (that name he wishes to utter in fact ) and be shown up by the dumbest instrument at its halloween gig – so he obviously never tasted wine, nor lied to his parents, nor knows what to do now. Michael’s dream just made Gerlad into some age group his i.q. doesn’t even reach.

    It’s time for Dee soon – she hasn’t uttered anything meaningful in this dream of Saint Michael-the-Good-Author at his own party. Shouldn’t Warren have been hitting on her?

    Ok, Michael, we await the kids-on-the-discovery scene, but this is getting pretty FOOBian for a dream – take some risk, it’s your last chance after all, you are vegetating away in your hospital bed.

  43. dreadedcandiru2
    March 26th, 2007 at 5:47 am [Reply]

    Foobs – After last week’s big-ass party for the gilded no-talent, where we saw the adult Pattersons in all their manners-free glory, the youngest is about to embark on one of the most graceless seductions I’ve ever seen. It’s like watching a spoiled eight-year-old idiot girl’s take on a soap opera.

  44. LightSyrup
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:39 am [Reply]

    Mary must have twisted Vera’s arm – her hair grew a full six inches.

  45. stinky pete
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Are we going to find out how Derrick and “Onion” got hold of a donkey in the first place? Did they steal it from the neighborhood ice man or itinerant peddler? Why does Derrick pronounce the word “with” as “wif” while “Onion” says “wid”? Who’s going to tell Derrick that the hairstyle went out with Kid N’Play? Why is Curtis emphasizing the word “two” in Panel 1? I have only questions, and no answers…

    MW: In panel 1, either Mary is growing or the apartment is shrinking – see how she must duck to get through the door. Panel 2 – all is back to normal size – whew!

    MT: I would not want to be in the house when that chickadee in panel 2, ah, gets rid of last night’s dinner. Tomorrow, Mark finds a lug nut and deduces the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body.

    RMMD Is Heather cleaning her ears with a fingernail? Gross! Use a key or the cap of a pen.

  46. ohyes
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    Congratulations, Dingo! I hope that this great honor will quell your urge to lead a pre-emptive attack modeled on a suicide mission. Enjoy the fruits of peace for many years, Liz & Blanthony be damned. They will never know this bliss.

    O! O! Bondage today in Spiderman, with visible tight restraints and bare thighs! The only downside to reading this strip is that now my pleasure is tainted by involuntary thoughts of Cassandra Cat.

  47. Calico
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    MW – Mary has the Charterstone death grip on Vera in panel two! The transformation is almost complete – the blank look on Vera’s face means Mary is WINNING. Yes, little blonde one, you WILL be my friend, for I am the Meddler Superior!

    FOOB – Apwil is about weady to go woadside. Did Gewald wemember the Twojans along with the Boone’s Farm plonk and Barry White CDs?

  48. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    #12 Squid Countess -
    Are you thinking of this comment?
    http://joshreads.com/?p=999#comment-202868

  49. Mnemonica
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail’s world has turned upside down. And the bird has, too! Are the giant-wildlife panels in MT always metaphors for what’s going on inside the house?

  50. Josh (not THE Josh)
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    Foob: Seriously, Gerald? A bottle of wine? Shouldn’t it be a handle or two of Cuervo to make the wrath you’re about to incur upon yourself that much easier to forget?

    Am I right, though? When the kids need alcohol, they reach for the hard liquor or the crap beer first, wine last. Or is this another thing that Canada’s got backwards?

  51. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: I don’t think there’s an actual joke in today’s strip. Unless we’re supposed to be laughing at “Terminal Gas”. It seems that the Winkerbeanian universe has now reclaimed Crankshaft. The next story lines will be: someone gets cancer, someone’s house floods, and the school votes to disallow smoking on the bus.

    DtM: The veil of menace drops another notch as Dennis clutches his teddy bear for dear life.

    DT: How threatening can the Queen of Diamonds be? From the looks of it, her arm is about a foot long.

    MW: Now Mary’s desperately clutching Vera’s arm as she realizes that there’s a possibilty that she may not get to meddle in Vera’s life. Either that or she’s about to administer a wicked Indian Sunburn. Which, although cool, would be far less damaging to Vera in the end.

    PbS: How many occurrences have their been of drunk characters in the comics? Is Pig headed for an Aldo-ian fate now?

    SFx: I guess my strategy of tossing that little bunny to the monster to rip to sheds isn’t very “PC” in the Slylock universe.

  52. TurtleBoy
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    Josh, thank you for honoring me with a runner-up COTW, I am humbled. And congrats to all others in like standing, and to Dingo for taking the gold!

    Meanwhile, in Monday’s Mark Trail: I think what Cherry means in the third panel is, “It’s hard to believe he was your friend!…Let’s face it, Mark, you’re such a pedantic self-righteous dingleberry that it’s hard to imagine anyone liking you.”

  53. Calico
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    #49 – with Moose that talk out of their asses, I’d be afraid to ask that question.
    Excellent inquiry, though.

  54. Justafoob
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    Gerald Gerald Gerald.

    Trying to go roadside with Apewill in her basement is going to land you graveside next to Farley.

    Either that or they will be doing the nasty and widdle Robin will spy them doing it. She will tell gwamma ellie that Apewill and her friend were wrestling like mommy and daddy do.

  55. Calico
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    I hope April has the most stunning of all hangovers after guzzling whatever hornboy brought over. With young kids in the house to boot. Ha.

  56. jules
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/3/26&name=Ziggy

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070326&name=Lockhorns

    In my newspaper, “Ziggy” appears directly over “The Lockhorns.” This is an area of the comics I usually avoid altogether, but there was no missing the similarity between the “jokes” today.

    It’s funny-peculiar, not funny-ha-ha.

    I need some coffee.

  57. ohyes
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    Wow, the creators of Gil Thorp seem to realize their latest story was a fiasco, and they’re pulling it up by the roots. Later in the week, the creators do community service, then they enter a re-education camp (or art school) and the strip goes on hiatus.

  58. Wally LimpingBean
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    Did anyone else see this AP Story?

    Apparently, Tom Batiuk is giving up his gig at FW and becoming the press secretary and speech writer for the John Edwards for President campaign.

    More news at 11.

  59. jules
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    Also: Congratulations, Dingo! And to all ye runners-up! I thought LV’s Spidey comment was hilarious.

    (DT)GT: So, the high-school-newspaper editor: is this guy serious? Has he never seen an episode of “Law & Order SVU”? How many times have I seen Benson and Stabler pretend to know what really happened in order to get a criminal to confess? It works, dammit. Ethics and fairness – feh! Marzano and Bozich may have been bluffing, but it got Tyler “Big Dummy” Jay to confess! (Oh my God, look at this: I’m learning their names. Help meeee….)

  60. Pelagius
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Hey – Josh managed to make it into the Washington Post’s Ombudsman column this week:
    “Comic strips are like old friends, so Post editors don’t decide to get rid of them lightly. After notices to readers, three strips were dropped this week — “Broom Hilda,” “Mary Worth” and “Cathy” — and several new ones were introduced. About a thousand readers called or e-mailed, the vast majority asking for the return of one or more, though some cheered their demise.

    Exact figures aren’t available, but early returns suggest “Mary Worth” was most popular, followed by “Cathy” and “Broom Hilda.” Two panels, “The Flying McCoys” and “The Other Coast” didn’t cause much anguish.

    All will be available on washingtonpost.com, but that doesn’t always cut it with longtime readers, one of whom said in a voice mail: “Older readers enjoy them [the comics] and don’t have access to the Internet.”

    A Web site has already gone up to campaign for “Mary Worth.” The Comics Curmudgeon, Josh Fruhlinger on wonkette.com, makes fun of and loves comics and is pushing for her return. “The weird old soap operas (including Mary Worth) are my favorite target.”

  61. dyslexia
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    A3G: “I could walk up those stairs and save her from her impending death due to asphyxiation …. oh, don’t be a fool” (the figure slumps, and moves on)

    A new week brings more proof that God wants Luann dead.

    FW: in what is a new low even for the Funky Winkerverse, we learn that people in said universe apparently take pictures of bullies threatening small children without doing anything to help, and then painstakingly insert them into photo albums to cherish for a lifetime.

    Garfield: today’s strip highlights just how creepy Garfield’s feet are. Creepy, creepy human-on-cat feet. Ugh.

    Marmaduke: animal abuse is hilarious!

    MW: “a person’s world gets richer with every new project … err … ‘friend’”

  62. kippetje2000
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    It looks like this week’s Curtis is going to be another week like a teacher high on PH, low on CL: Assless.

  63. Foobar
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Wow, there’s a boatload of good comments this week. A good start to the week! The COTW proves to me once again that “The Lollipop Guild” is a significant cultural touchstone. I am surprised the never spun-off T.L.G.

    And because I may never have another chance to use it, I will refer to hypothetical Brad as a foppish dandy.

  64. Little Guy
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Alhough I’m suppose to be cheering Chrtis’s Mom as the PARENT-ZILLA FROM HELL, she came across as a lame deus ex to get Curtis back in school and now (surprise!) D &”O” are the ones are the ones behind the ass.

    If we reversed the chain of events (PARENT-ZILLA mode after finding out D&’O’ set Curtis up), I’d be pleased.

    FOOB: between today’s strip and Saturday’s spoiler, I say Liz and Warren find April and Gerald in foobgrante delicto. Unless Jeremy does his mini-Pornstachio routine. (“I have no Harmonicaaaaaaaaaaa!”)

  65. Weasel Boy
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Congrats to Dingo and all the runners up. I’d like to bring over some tunes and a bottle of wine to your respective rec rooms to congratulate you.

  66. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Yes, Dingo, yes! All that road work paid off at last. Definitely an A list of runners up as well. Ginormous chickadees for everyone! My treat!

  67. bootsybooks
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    YAY, Dingo and the runners-up! Good snarking all!

    And Josh, congrats on the millenipost. I’m a little late but I was doing something.

  68. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    FBOFW – As Liz spent many a summer horseback riding, I guess this will be known as the spring of April’s Little Pony.

  69. D.A.Pennington
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Today’s FOOB: Don’t worry April. No matter what happens with Gerald in the basement . . . You’ll always be Daddy’s cum-burping gutter slut.

  70. Never teh Bride
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Um…it looks like April will become a woman in tomorrow’s FOOB…

  71. banana
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Congrats Dingo! Finally, it’s your turn to wear white…and a veil with the leather speedos!

  72. CrashCat
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    I realize it’s partly the whole point of this blog, but it still strikes me whenever I realize that this one post of various comments made me chuckle more than the comics themselves have in years. It’s redundant to say, but I still have to say it.

  73. Anonymous
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Someone said clitoris and you didn’t award that best comment of the week?

  74. Dennis Jimenez
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    SF – Ted is beating off below the frame line.

  75. rich
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Any bets on who will come to April’s rescue?

    1) Granthony
    2) Shan…non
    3) Grampa (who’s gone “roaming” again)
    4) One of the dogs (include’s Farley’s ghost)
    5) Ned Flanders

  76. rich
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    dyslexia (61) — FW: in what is a new low even for the Funky Winkerverse, we learn that people in said universe apparently take pictures of bullies threatening small children without doing anything to help, and then painstakingly insert them into photo albums to cherish for a lifetime.

    …COTW-worthy!

  77. srah
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    I’ve never liked anything about Judge Parker, or even been able to follow what the hell was going on, but I’ve finally found something that makes me look forward to each strip: Terrible, terrible French translations. I’m not sure if the writer has a French-English dictionary where they search out each individual word or if they’re using Babelfish, but I’m constantly astounded by how poorly the French characters speak French. (Rough translation of today’s French: “To want to go for a ride, gentlewomen?”)

    Red-Haired Lady and Beret Girl, you can never go home to Judgeparkerland again. You must stay in France FOREVAAAAAAR!

  78. srah
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    How did Mark Trail deduce that a hook on the bottom of the boat means that whatsisface is still alive? It seems like a huge leap, unless he knows something that he isn’t sharing with us. I hate this implausible people-drama. Can we see some cute animals instead?

  79. Blondie
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Aaah! The giant chickadee is going to fall on Mark’s house!

  80. Mazement
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox. I’m sorry, but when was it established that the monster was “mindless”? It looks ape-like to me, so it’s probably smart enough to figure out the chain trick, certainly within the amount of time it’s going to take to dig up the computer and winch it out of the hole.

    Correct answer: Slylock called Animal Control and asked them to send over somebody with tranquilizer darts.

  81. cheech wizard
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Wow, this is a pleasant surprise – I practically drop out of sight for two weeks and one of my few posts makes the bridesmaid list. Guess there’s some truth in what they say about trying too hard. Thanks, Josh.

    And kudos to Dingo – a long-awaited honor well-deserved.

  82. Chupper
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Dingo, congrats on the COTW and your campaign for a reasonable Illinois wonder. I voted twice today using separate web browsers. Go Firefox!

  83. O’Fogeyette
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Whooee! Congratulations to Dingo and all the runners-up! It’s great so see so many familiar names here. I wish I could be among them (*sniff*), but I bow to superior snarkiness.

    Brief comment on one of the yesterthreads: someone said that those who don’t like Lio (as commented on in The Register) seem to be Marmaduke and FC types. Well, I totally loathe Marmaduke and FC and never read them, and I still don’t like Lio. But I respect it now.

    But maybe it is an age thing. Today’s MG & G made me LOL. I’ve always been a sucker for silly puns.

    #42 Lynngineering: another superb analysis of the Great Canadian Coma.

    FOOB: I guess Gerald isn’t going to turn out to be a fine, upstanding John-clone boyfriend like Anthony. All I can say is: go for it, April!

    GF: I know just how Rob feels. I have four cats, one of them slightly psychotic (that would be Google, the erstwhile sick cat), and I long ago lost control of my house. If only I had a Satchel to mellow things out. Though come to think of it, Mr. O’F fills that role.

  84. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT

    Rick and Helen are writing me nice long papers about fairness and ethics!

    How about a nice long paper on what exactly those things are on Brynna’s head? I smell a Pulitzer.

    FBoFW

    I know character manipulation is Lynn’s strong suit, but does it seem odd that April is so blasé about the wine? Is the legal drinking age in Canada really 14? Are the tunes Gerald brought by Lindsay Lohan, just to put her in the mood? Will Donald Trump have to intervene? I fear this Very Special Episode of “April” will be about getting sloshed, not sluiced.

  85. queek
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MT: the return of the ubiquidee! *happy dance*

    SF: Ted, you’re not doing much to change your last-place standing in the Manliest Man of the Comic Page list.

    PBS: good old Pig. I lol’d.

    Ink Pen does an interesting “4th wall” take today. Captain Everythingbutbrains.

  86. Gabe
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Man, I actually laughed at Shoe today, despite the Professer’s look of suicidal depression in the first panel.

  87. dyslexia
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark hasn’t said word one about an evil plot, and yet when he says “I think Dan is still alive”, Cherry apparently hears “… and his death was part of a heretofore undiscovered evil plot against all the myriad wondrous residents of the Lost Forest! Good God, woman, do you know what this means?!”

    She would do well to contact her local ear doctor for an examination. That, or maybe the writers of Mark Trail could try to remember whether a character actually would have the knowledge required to jump to a conclusion before writing dialogue. Either one, I guess.

  88. O’Fogeyette
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    9CL Rolly Church of Crete! Edda’s roommate is dating a werewolf!

    MT: Today’s strip is just amazing. It has all the elements of a paradigmatic Mark Trail. There’s the humongous chickadee doing chinups directly over the Trail home (and what happens when the chickadee answers nature’s call? I’m guessing the cabin will collapse and Mark and Cherry will be buried in tons of chickadee crap); there’s Mark’s stilted dialogue; and Cherry’s world-class obtuseness, demonstrated as she claws her face: “That’s hard to believe… he was your friend!” And a REAL friend would have died for real! And stayed dead!

  89. Mibbitmaker
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    FOOB: If April successfully fights off Gerald’s advances, it might sound like this:

    Gerald: “A box of boom, a jug of wine, and thOU–OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!!!”

  90. stinky pete
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    88 O’F: nice use of the R.C. of C. oath! However, I may have to claim squatter’s rights on the chickadee crap thing at #45.

  91. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    #88 O’Fogeyette

    I think Cherry’s just ticked off at all the time she wasted pretending to care about the Widow Sally.

    And O’Fogeyette? Where was I when that happened?

  92. Catya
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    So, FOOB’s April is again in peril of drowning, this time in a river of iniquity. And wine. And Tag body spray, given the knowing smirk on the tortilla chipz-toting Gerald, as he settles down on April’s Strawberry Shortcake-sheeted sofa.

    My money’s on a rescue by Warren and Liz.

    Warren: Whoa! Nice going, bud, (halted by a vicious look from Lard Butt, who realized she has not been roadside for eons), er, get the heck out of here, you!

    Liz: Don’t think for a second I’m not telling Mom and Dad. It’ll be Winnipeg forever for you.

  93. Kronkina
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    I haven’t read the previous posts, so maybe someone mentioned this already – but Hugh Avery and Rich-Man’s-Girlfriend/Wife/Whatever, appear to be the EXACT SAME PERSON. Isn’t Hugh the Rich Man’s son? That is some creepy shizzle right there, my friends.

  94. MossMoses
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Oops! I just mis-posted this comment in a zombie thread.

    Isn’t April babysitting in saintly Patterson Manor? Where’s the adult supervision? Is she going to perform fellatio right in front of Wobbin and Mewedeath?

    I had foolishly forgotten that mantra, “Mary Knows Best”. Of course we should accept on faith the premise that she just has a whole lot of common sense and therefore is more qualified to make judgement calls for people’s personal problems than the people themselves. It helps when the people she advises are so uniformly naive, moronic and utterly lacking in even the slightest modicum of common sense. That makes Mary Worth’s advice look a whole lot better by comparison, despite the inanity and the real foolishness of her advice. For example, “Go ahead and try to hook up with a married doctor from high school you had a crush on”. Dear Abbey might differ on that one.

    Dingo, good job! May you bask in the cotw glow.

  95. andreavis
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    Why is Dennis the (not) Menace all grey in the backseat of the car? Could Mr. theMenace have already driven speedily… off a cliff? Dennis is a ghost, haunting his hapless leadfoot Daddy from Beyond the Grave.

    Dinette Set: Oh, please, Burl and Joy, eat every last jar of peanut butter. And here’s some cat food to wash it down. And some spinach. What I’m saying is, die already.

    A3G: anyone want to guess who the mystery hat man is? My money’s on the hot librarian that helped LuAnn a few months ago.

  96. O’Fogeyette
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    #90 Stinky Pete: Sorry. Props to you on the chickadee crap (and how many times in history has THAT comment ever been uttered?). I only skimmed before posting. There were so many comments in the three threads that started since I was last here.

    #91 gh: I changed my nom de blog at the Millennipost, in response to public demand. I kinda like it, even though I’m about as Irish as Groucho Marx.

  97. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    MT – “Cherry, I just noticed that this eye hook has a #10 thread, not #8 as I previously thought. That means that Sally was part of Dan’s nefarious scheme. Not only that, the zinc plating proves without a doubt that the Paris hooker from Brooklyn was also involved somehow.”

  98. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Dingo, I voted for Starved Rock in the poll, as a tribute to your amazing snark contributions to this site. Keep in mind that I did this in spite of the fact that I enjoy trains, belong to several RR historical societies, and consider IRM to be one of the best railroad museums in the country.

    (Bracing for the inevitable onslaught of John Patterson comparisons).

  99. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    #96 O’Fogeyette

    It has a nice slimming effect. I missed the Millennipost and rather than read it [445 comments! It took me 5 hours to catch up last Monday] I had it encased in lucite for all eternity. It makes a nice paperweight.

  100. Dingo
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    #98: AhClem, if I hadn’t just washed my hair… and had a boyfriend… I would kiss you. Thank you for choo-choo-choosing the Rock, pulling away from the inevitable “train man” situation, and voting for the actual ‘wonder’ of Illinois. Today marks the beginning of week four in their contest. It seems that no voting can take place today but will resume tomorrow. The Main Street of Galena and Jane (dinosaur, not Jefferson Starship song) of Rockford have been F. Murray Abraham’d and all that remain are the Illinois Railway Museum and Starved Rock State Park. Let’s Rock!

    On a side note, I lost my virginity at the age of seventeen in my parents’ basement rec room to the friend who eventually became the married cop (two hundred threads ago). I’m going to think good thoughts for Gerald. Though, if she really loved him, he wouldn’t need the wine or the chips or the movies. I’m just wonderin’ how f’d up poor li’l Mewedif and Rubbin’ are gonna be when they tumble down the stairs onto the scene – let alone the dogs. Tim Horton therapy for everyone!

  101. ohyes
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    95 – andreavis – The first guess as to the passive, ineffectual A3G guy would be Alan. I prefer to think it’s passive, ineffectual Ted, whiling away the time while his wife’s out on a date or perhaps entertaining at home.

  102. treedweller
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    MT: I understand Cherry’s confusion. Mark’s friends are usually into petty crimes like frenching bears, not felonious insurance fraud.

  103. Gabe
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Dingo, everyone knows dogs love to watch.

  104. Lyman Returns
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G-the comics pages need more people who remind themselves not to be fools. This would cease all behavior by Mike Patterson, Dagwood Bumstead, and the entire cast of Beetle Bailey, which would be good for humanity.

    BC-What the heck? Is this some obscure sports reference or what?

    Baby Blues-I like the look on the little boy’s face in the first panel. He’s all like, “I’m gonna JACK this hot chocolate UP, and ain’t nobody gonna stop me!”

    Crankshaft-So the ‘Shaft actually has facial expressions that convey emotions besides contempt and simmering rage? Who woulda thought?

    FBOFW-Wow, two characters assassinated in two weeks. This must be some kind of record for Lynn Johnson.

    JP-Yeah, walking by yourselves in one of the biggest cities on the planet not knowing where you’re going while being cat-called at by French hoodlums is FUN! Whee! Let’s go to Euro Disney next! There should be laws against people this stupid inheriting mansions.

    MT-That Chickadee in the second panel is doing pull-ups! You go, little Chickadee! Sucka is gonna be RIPPED!

    MW-Maybe female friendships play out differently than male friendships, but this is about the third time Mary has touched Vera on the first day they’ve known each other. Is this normal? If a dude kept grabbing me like that, it’d be time to THROW DOWN.

  105. Shave Ezra
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Heather of RMMD should ask Mark Trail if there are any hooks on the bottom of her husband’s plane…

  106. stinky pete
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    104 LR, the “Grapefruit League” refers to baseball spring training in Florida. So, yes, it is the very embodiment of an obscure sports reference.

  107. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/comics/crankshaft.html

    So, Crankshaft’s friend farted himself to death. I don’t even think that plot has been used in Funky Winkerbean.

  108. Dennis Jimenez
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Frozen in time and stuck between Iris and Elly, unable to speak and with no prime rib – sweet jebus, surely this is hell.

  109. cheech wizard
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    JP – Neddy’s heart is moved by the Brooklynesque hooker and fellow art student, so she and Sophie will turn the ginormous euromanions they’re inheriting and don’t know what to do with into homes for wayward women. Who will prompty turn them into upscale bordellos, thereby becoming high-class “call girls” instead of scuzzy streetwalkers, with a corresponding boost in revenue.

    Way to go, Ned.

  110. cheech wizard
    March 26th, 2007 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    104/106: ???????? If Grapefruit League is an obscure term for you, here are a few more: curve ball, Babe Ruth and the inscrutable “home run.”

    Gawd, mothers of America, put away the soccer ball! Now!!!

  111. reader-who-posts
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy and Lockhorns: Nothing like seeing two comics refernencing throwing bricks through a window in one day (and in my paper literally one on top of the other). Adding in Dick Tracy’s gem toss through his window a couple of weeks ago, I would say that this happens about 150,865% more often in comics than in real life.

    Curtis: Why is it surprising to Curtis that Derrick and “Onion” tried to frame him? As far as I can tell there are only six students in the school so unless the Flyspeck Chameleon did it he had to know it was them. Personally I’m still trying to figure out where one gets a donkey in the middle of the city.

    Phantom: Really, can’t this guy kill Mozz now? If nothing else it would shut him up.

    Rubes: Is it just me or is Rubes just openly stealing from The Far Side now? Are we sure this isn’t ‘written’ by Carlos Mencia?

    Garfield: Jon’s gonna get some!

    Crankshaft: Terminal gas?!? I realize that Batiuk just made that up to set up that unbelievably lame pun, but come on! We all know that everyone in the Crankshaft/Funky-verse dies of either cancer, IED’s, cancer, cancer or possibly cancer.

    DtM: This is why Dennis should be sitting on the other side of the car (and in a car seat!) – where he is it will be really hard for Dad to smack him in the mouth.

    JP: Neddy is so roadside.

    Blondie: I would argue that reading while lying in bed next to Jessica Rabbit in lingerie is a complete waste of time no matter what the book, but hey that’s just me.

  112. Non-Shannon
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Zippy: Man, I just love Zippy. I know a lot of you are annoyed by its total insanity, but I know it makes me laugh about 157.3% more than, say, Zits or something (which I still like). Today’s strip almost makes me wish I could be Zerbina. “That’s simple physics, Zippy! Everything in th’ universe is vibrating!” She’s smart, she’s witty, and she’s even got a pretty cool name!

    Sigh…Yet again wishing I were an animated character…

  113. stinky pete
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    110 cheech, time to take the sarcasm detector in for a tune-up!

  114. andreavis
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    I was really surprised by today’s Crankshaft, because I thought “terminal gas” was a lame joke setup for a broken bus. Imagine my disappointment that it was just a chance to crack wise on some guy’s death. Of course, being Crankshaft, I should have expected disappointment as soon as I read the title.

  115. dyslexia
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    Momma: what exactly would the effects of “botox for the brain” be? Plumper, less wrinkled lobes?

    More importantly, why exactly would she want this?

    Is Momma, in fact, a zombie, on the lookout for a gourmet meal?

  116. Non-Shannon
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Ugh. After today, I am officially swearing off of both Dick Tracy and Popeye. Both strips have a tendency to make me angry and/or nauseated more often than amused. In DT’s case, the artwork is nauseating. In Popeye, it’s the fact that I [MARGO]ing HATE all the [BOXCAR] idiots that populate the Popeye universe! (At least in the comic strip–I like the old cartoons and the Robert Altman movie) Blech and good riddance!!!

  117. dimestore lipstick
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Dingo
    We put Starved Rock into the Finals!

    I was able vote this afternoon, and it’s down to two contenders from each region. I’ll keep plugging, because Starved Rock is a wonder, not a freightyard.

  118. leathermessiah
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Oh god, oh god. Please, make FOOB stop. Does anybody have any doubt whatsoever as to what will happen next? Obviously Gerald will try to drag April into the dark degenerate hellhole of premarital sex, April will give him a high-pitched, overemotional and self-righteous lecture peppered with obnoxious apostrophes, and she will then go cry to Liz/her mom, who will say “good for you!”. Then Liz will probably make out with Granthony. In sum, DISGUSTING.

    However, all this will be tempered by the hot lesbian action no doubt about to ensue in RMMD.

  119. HBGlord
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    COTWgratulations, Dingo! Now that i’ve become a part-timer here out of necessity, i’m glad you’re the lead entry in my Snarker’s Digest version of CC.

    Foob — Show of hands: Who here thinks Gerald and his bottle of Three-Loonie Chuck will turn the Swingin’ Ape into a “gig”? (I can practically see the blond stubble pushing its way over his upper lip.) And who sees them truly violating all that is sacred by donning John’s conductor’s caps and sending his little locomotive around and around the track?

  120. Clumsy Carp
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    Man, if grapefruit league is obscure, you should catch me with a fungo.

  121. AppleGirl
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    DINGO! Congratulations on COTW! The rhinestone tiara and clear lucite stiletto heels look simply divine on you! I look forward to your regal wave from the convertible in today’s parade.

    All the comments from your royal court were excellent this week as well. Congratulations to all the runners-up!

  122. man behind the curtain
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    FBOW — And then April says to gerald “Well gerald I’d love to get into bed with you but don’t you want to have sex first?”

  123. Hogen Mogen
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    Spidermoron: It turns out that red brick on Spidey’s head was just a red herring. No amnesia. No, Spidey, you shall not forget the years of anguish you have bestowed on us poor readers – live with that!

    Dara Dorsett’s hands are bound, whereas they weren’t when she was thrown into the car. Maybe the kidnapper was able to spin a web out of his hands to quickly tie them on the fly.

    I also don’t understand Jameson’s rationale for not being able to tell anyone about Dara’s kidnapping. Wouldn’t a kidnapping escallate the lie that she’s Spidey’s wife? Wouldn’t he be able to sell that story for all its worth? I mean, he only owns a newspaper and a TV studio, how could he possibly exploit this story for financial gain? Hmmm…..

  124. Gabe
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Non Shannon: Popeye is for kids about 6-8. For that age, it’s a perfectly acceptable comic strip.

  125. kingklash
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    In the context of FOOB, what would the definition of “Roadside Stand” be?

  126. cheech wizard
    March 26th, 2007 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    April is a rock chick and obviously needs to be deflowered as soon as possible. Her correct response to Gerald bringing the wine would be “What, no reefer?”

    StinkeyP – glad you were just being saracastic. Too many of our American youth have already been lost to the Buckeyball Bolshevicks and have forgotten our national pastime. Just remember: Norman Rockwell never painted no soccer game.

  127. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    #123 H. Mogen -

    Spider Man is written the way backward joke-tellers talk: “Then they threw her in the car! Did I mention that her hands were tied? Oh, oh! And she was just on TV – J.J. Jamison had her on his show. Yeah, he got a show! Anyway, she pretended to be Spider Man’s wife! But not anymore!”

    “Isn’t that exciting!?

  128. Hogen Mogen
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    JP: I can barely believe that the hooker can’t tell that Abbey and Neddy aren’t themselves prostitutes, but now the Johns are thinking that this pair of fru-fru-botique, upscale women wearing capes – and a beret are street sluts? Not likely. They may be the kind that you call an upscale escort service and get for a thousand Euros a night (for the pair – not each – don’t flatter yourselves), but definitely not common whores. I guess the bilingual skinheads are one step ahead, because they recognized the two Americans in Paris right off the bat.

  129. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    compliments of Gerald and the Americans

    In a little rec room just the other side of the doorway
    She was just standing there givin’ me looks that made me think “foreplay”
    So I flopped down right on her bed
    She belonged to bad man, her dad
    And I knew, yes I knew I should leave
    When I heard her say, yeah

    Come a little bit closer
    You’re my kind of boy
    So blond and so dumb
    Come a little bit closer
    I’m all alone
    And I want me some

    So we started to grope
    In my arms, she felt so inviting
    That I just couldn’t resist
    Copped one little feel so exciting
    Then I heard the key unlock the door
    Rolly Church, I’m dead meat for sure
    Then I knew, yes I knew I should run
    But then I heard her say, yeah

    Come a little bit closer
    You’re my kind of boy
    So blond and so dumb
    Come a little bit closer
    I’m all alone
    And I want me some

    —— instrumental break ——

    Then the music stopped
    When I looked the rec room was empty
    Then I heard her dad say
    “Boy you know you’re in trouble plenty”
    So I dropped the wine from my hand
    And through the window I ran
    And as I shot away
    I could hear her say to her dad, yeah

    Come a little bit closer
    You’re my kind of man
    And I’ll hoist your crane
    Come a little bit closer
    We’re all alone
    We can play choo-choo train

  130. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    #128 Hogen M. –

    I have to believe Abbey and Neddy are in the Rue St. Denis area, not way the hell out in the banlieus. After all: urban landscape, crowded sidewalk, convertibles driving by. If so, hooker dress is pretty tightly coded: heels, fishnets, leather skirt, etc. on up.

    So yeah, nobody’s gonna make that mistake. But a little recreational harassment of American women is plausible.

    And these thugs are singularly motivated for pickpockets/purse snatchers – they’ve been following the gals for what, three weeks?

  131. Weaselboy
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    MW 3/26: Mary is in desperate need of a platitude adjustment.

  132. Justafoob
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    Apewill is going to give Gerald a real dressing down, with the final statement being “I am NOT that kind of girl!!!!!”

    Gerald will slink out of the house to go guzzle his Chateau Foobescence. Alone. He might even get hit by a car driven by the Kelpfroths, coming home from the burn center.

    Apewill, on the other hand, will have Sssshhhaaaa ….nnnnnn…ooooo…nnnnn come out from the closet, the Beckster from the bathroom, and Lovey Saltzman from the kitchen and the four of them will continue the hot girl on girl on girl on GILF action.

    While the dogs watch on…..

  133. Foobar
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    129- Pretty funny. For some reason I kept trying to sing that to the tune of “Under the Boardwalk” by The Drifters. That too would be a fitting adaptation for this scenario, as well as being the most disgustingly prurient song that readily comes to mind. Ick.

  134. Xcellent
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    #132 – Ah yes… the Beckster and April, now that has potential!

    FOOB – girls are more mature than guys. It’s just the facts. April behaves dumber than Gerard. She would either by now have discovered that tinglin sensation he’s trying to let her in on, and would have started meeting older guys with cars, or she would have introduced Gerard to “safe sex” by now. But she’s alll duuuhhhh, you know? No WAY.

  135. MossMoses
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    132. Justafoob, how about this alternate scenario:

    The saintly gang will come home soon from the party, find April an’ Gerald making whoopie on the rec room bed; Meredith an’ Robin — unattended — will be lighting matches to re-create the fire that burned their house down because in their undeveloped minds they think it will lead to another $25,0000 cheque an’ happiness for the family. Michael see what’s happening and throws the near-empty wine bottle at April’s head — just missing her but one of the flying shards of broken glass lodges in Deanna’s neck. She bleeds profusely on the rec room floor and Edgar an’ Dixie lap up the blood.

  136. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    #133 Foobar

    Thanks. Funny thing, that. willethompson did “Time Warp” awhile back from “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and it kept switching over to “You’re the One That I Want” from Grease. And I haven’t even watched the reality show.

  137. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    #129 gh –
    Other than the fact that the original was done by “Jay and the Americans,” it’s a wonderful adaptation. I grew up listening to that song on the radio, and now you’ve ruined it for me. And I thank you for that!

  138. Little Guy
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    Spidey: Wait until they find out Dora isn’t Mrs. Spiderman, but Cassandra Cat!

  139. bootsybooks
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    #91, gh and O’Fogeyette, I called her that last week because I refuse to believe she is old!. That’s my Aldo quote. Glad to see you made it permanent, lassie.

  140. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    #135 MossMoses — Michael will view that scenario as material for his third novel, “Roadside on the Sofaugh.”

  141. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    #137 AhClem

    Um, Gerald is the BF. I loved Jay and the Americans, with their matching turtlenecks and propensity for stealing show tunes. I thought they wrote “Some Enchanted Evening” — ah, the sweet ignorance of youth! Only in America!

  142. Trotzenbonnie
    March 26th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT –
    That bastard pilfered today’s joke from an old issue of National Lampoon (circa 1974 or 75). There was a fake ad for donations to help the Terminal Flatulence organization. It had a picture of a sad looking kid with a big hose hooked up to his butt. I remember it well because my friend Pete saw it and laughed so hard he broke his glasses.

  143. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    AhClem –

    I finally found time to read the Millennipost. Best I can tell, we came aboard at almost exactly the same time. And here I thought you were a grizzled old-timer from back in the day [CC time].

  144. HBGlord
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    #135 — And i ask you this, MossMoses, re Foob: Where do Canadians get off calling their dogs Dixie? Perhaps we Americans should return the favor and start naming our pets after their wannabe secessionists: “Stop humping Mrs. Murgatroid’s leg, Quebecker! Bad dog!”

  145. Lyman Returns
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    #104-Stinky Pete, #110-Cheech Wizard, #129-Clumsy Carp-

    Aiiiiee! Please don’t send your snark my way, guys. Save it for the comics pages, who richly deserve it. I guess I’m not much of a baseball fan. And you have to admit, BC has so many nonsensical and obscure references (interrobang, anyone?) that you really can’t blame me for assuming Johnny Hart was off his meds yet again.

  146. Blynneda
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    Alternative answer to today’s Slylock Fox: Our quick-thinking detective lures the horrific monster away by sending Max over to distract him, then runs off with the computer and uses it for kitty porn while the li’l mouse gets ripped to shreds by the monster’s ravenous jaws.

  147. Blynneda
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    104 et al.: I haven’t read much of B.C. lately, but I’m a bit loathe to admit that I actually found the grapefruit strip pretty funny. [hangs head] Feel free to evict me now.

  148. Hogen Mogen
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    Worst strip of the day contest:

    Marmaduke, which has the ginormous canine hidden in a massive drift of snow waving a white flag so he can again enjoy the warmth of central heating. Meanwhile, it’s 85 degrees today.

    Tumbleweeds, which manages to avoid overtly pejorative racial stereotypes today (for a change), but has that unusual-sign-followed-down-the-road-by-an-even-more-unusual-sign gag that has been worn threadbare by the likes of BC.

    Maybe the ever-reliable piece of absolute shit Crock is the winner, for the ability to sit on a pile of sand that has right angles.

    The winner is…. Momma! Yes, Momma’s complete inability to make the slightest shred of sense or even generate a second panel is what takes the booby prize today. Just look at the product of the great seconds of labor that it took to get Francis’s dopey smirk and ennui just right as to simulate the experience of being the victim of a full frontal lobotomy. Relish in the dwarfish doctor and his vague surprise at the request to use Botox, a wrinkle eraser, on someone’s brain, which has wrinkles. But the common mythos is that the more wrinkles one has, the more intelligent one becomes, so Momma wants her son to become stupid – but the lobotomist and genetics apparently worked their respective magics first. Ah yes, Momma is the burn-in-effigy patron saint of the day.

  149. Hogen Mogen
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Cowboy hat? That looked like Blaze to me. “Don’t be a fool!”

    Of course not, Blaze she’s your goddamn cousin for Chrissake!

  150. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    #149 Hogen Mogen -

    Never stopped Steve Canyon and, um, you know who. . . .

  151. cheech wizard
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    145 – Lyman: That’s ok. As pennance, you may buy one (1) pack of Topps baseball cards and bubble gum, insert the cards in the spokes of your bicycle and ride around that way for one week. For extra credit, sling a glove over one handlebar in the prescribed fashion (inserted through the opening in the back) while resting a bat across both, which may be used as a aid in steering. Throwing away the gum w/o chewing it is optional.

  152. Hogen Mogen
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    Y’know what would make Fred Basset funny? If those dogs peed on the paper. Can’t go wrong with dogs peeing.

    Well, ya can, actually. But it’s far wronger in this case to have an opportunity for pee and not take it.

  153. Chromium
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    If it’s any consolation, Lyman, I didn’t get it either. My baseball knowledge is limited to “the one where they hit the ball with a stick.”

  154. Trotzenbonnie
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    #112 – Non-Shannon
    Hooray! Finally, a kind word about Zippy. I felt like I was the lone voice crying out in the wilderness on his behalf.
    The way I see it, if you can listen to Talking Heads you should be able to enjoy Zippy the Pinhead.
    Bill Griffith always does a beautiful tightrope walk on that fine line between stupid and clever.

  155. Kurdt
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    I was thinking about Bill Watterson today for some reason. Does he read this site? Does he have a computer? What is he up to now? Has he completely abandoned Calvin and his stuffed tiger or does he still draw their adventures and just not print them?
    Its the closest to celebrity worship I think I’ll ever come, other than ogling those creepy/funny pictures of a bald and insane birt brit.

  156. Proteus
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    #25 Plinko Commie

    “Ah, the Patterson basement, where John’s running trains and April’s having trains run on her.”

    Master, why have you unleashed COTW on a Sunday night? Is not the custom to offer the guests dull wine until midweek, and only then to call for the steward to pour the fine? Speak thy purpose that I may better understand these things.

  157. Thoth
    March 26th, 2007 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    I’m not sure that Lynn Jonhson realizes that the natural result of all this forced Patterson chastity is Warren and Gerald weeping bitter tears while giving a bit of the “how’s your father” to little chubby. I wouldn’t have thought she was for self-abuse.

  158. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    You think Scaduto would go for this one?

    When he comes in after a weekend away ol’ ghmo sez:
    737 comments!! Don’t these [Margo]ing people ever shut up??

    But nine hours later? Lizzen in. It’s, like I mean, uh-huh . . . oh, yeah . . . you got it . . . fer sure, enough, already what? – just spill it will ya!
    Nine minutes without a comment? Where the boxcar is everyone?

  159. Trotzenbonnie
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    GH –
    You do realize that your Scaduto-speak is frighteningly spot on, don’t you? I hope you don’t slip and talk like that in real life. Unless you belong to a Lodge. Then I suppose it’s required.

  160. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    #143 gh -
    “… I thought you were a grizzled old-timer…”
    Hey, I resemble that remark! As soon as I take my Metamucil and find my walker, you’ll be in for a thrashin’!

    And your Gerald/Jay reference in #129 went totally over my head. My brain must be melting, and it’s not from reading GT or MF (There are some things I simply won’t do, even in the interest of good snark). They haven’t switched over the HVAC system in the building yet, and it’s about 85 in here today.

  161. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    #159 Trotzenbonnie

    I’ve been taking lessons through Berlitz. Three weeks, you speak like a native!

    If by “real life” you mean “stuck in traffic” well . . .

  162. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    Back away from the punchbowl, gh.

  163. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    #160 AhClem

    Ah, to be 85 again [that was the temperature here yesterday --- back to 60s again today].

    And I did say “in CC time.” Makes dog years look like fruit fly life-spans.

  164. gh
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    #162 Uncle Lumpy

    Sorry. Thought it was ice cream. OK, I’m backin’.

  165. Mr. O’Malley
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    144. HBGlord, there is actually a thoroughfare in Toronto named Dixie Road. Apparently there was once a community by that name. If you want more cultural diversity, there is even a Dixie Gurdwara.

    I have no idea what the origin of the name is. Originally settled by fans of Bing Crosby’s wife?

  166. Lisa
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    *happy sigh*

    After reading today’s Foob, I just knew all I had to do was come here and do control+F on “roadside.”

    I love you guys.

  167. Gg83
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    I searched for “crank” on this page and didn’t see this mentioned. I hope I’m not repeating someone else’s comment.

    Today’s Crankshaft:
    In comment 142, Trotzenbonnie noted that Crankshaft stole the joke from National Lampoon. Which is bad enough, but what’s even worse is that the same stupid, unfunny joke appeared in an earlier Crankshaft strip! It’s not even a rerun, since the characters are different. Evidently this joke struck Batiuk as being so bust-a-gut-laughing-out-loud hilarious that he just HAD to use it twice.

    And what is the joke supposed to be? Death by farting is funny? “Passed gas” and “passed away” share a word, so it’s kinda sorta like a pun? Being told you have terminal flatulence makes for a funny diagnosis? Farting deaths progress quickly? Whatever, Crankshaft. Go back to showing Crankshaft being an irritating, self-centered jackass. At least you’re good at that.

  168. monkey.dave
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Considering that Gerald managed to get the sofa bed pulled out and made up with a full set of linens in the time it took April to walk down the stairs, he’ll probably be able to finish the seduction and be wiping himself down in the bathroom before her underwear hits the floor. And it will still be the most satisfying sex that a Patterson woman has ever had.

  169. NJP
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know where June would find a certified medical professional to issue a prescription, but maybe she should try to get Heather some Ambienâ„¢.

  170. Dennis Jimenez
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    I think June should coax Heather out of all those constricting clothes and give her a relaxing full body hot oil message. Of course I’m no licensed medical professional.

  171. Allie Cat
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    I’m going to be honest with you – when I was April’s age, I hadn’t QUITE gone roadside, yet – but that was a long time ago and kids today are pretty advanced. So I find it hard to believe that Gerald hasn’t already had a little “quality time” with the youngest Patterson.

    I do think his technique is quite poor, though I did have a suitor try to seduce me with a bottle of wine when I was 15 – I ended up giving him something ending in “job”, but not starting with “blow”.

    My hope is that they fool around, they enjoy it, and they don’t get caught.

    Keep in mind, April hasn’t been getting a lot of attention at home these days – she might enjoy getting attention of a different sort.

    Go April! Indulge!

  172. willethompson
    March 26th, 2007 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    Sorry I’m late, been actually workin’ today…(quick scan)…Boy, April’s really gonna go ROADSI….nope….ah, RMMD! June’s gonna lie down with Heather for a good garag….nope….Hey, that Crankshaft! ‘Passing gas,’ eh? No one NOTICED that…Oh…well, anyway, congrats, Dingo, on COTW and…Oh, I see…HEY! I voted about a zillion times for…ah. Umm. Nice song, gh, except it’s JAY and the…ah.

    Boxcar.

  173. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    gh: Me likee your song parody! Wasn’t that originally done by Gerald and the Canadians?
    Dingo: Again, a well deserved and WAY overdue COTW. I don’t normally observe Halloween, but I’m already thinking about an “I was a teenage weredingo” costume. People have told me I resemble Michael Landon, so I got that going for me.
    HBGLord: Welcome back, brother!

  174. MossMoses
    March 26th, 2007 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    “I brought some booze an’ some music”.

    Gerald must think April is a roadside gig, judging by the way he’s wooing her an’ he’s quite a smooth operator himself. Gerald, the beloved martyr, Farley, didn’t save April’s life just so she could have premarital sex, especially not in saintly Foob Manor. Your comeuppance is coming right uppant.

  175. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    Sorry about this, it’s just seemed so ripe for parodyin’

    I must have been through about a million gigs
    I’d pork ‘em then I’d leave ‘em alone
    I didn’t care how much they blinked, no sir
    Their blinks left me cold as a stone
    But then I foobed around and fell in love
    I foobed around and fell in love, yes I did
    I foobed around and fell in love, I foobed around and fell in love
    It used to be when I’d see a girl that I liked
    I’d get out my book and write down her name
    But when the tundra sprouted over on the other side
    I’d just tear out that page
    I foobed around and fell in love
    I foobed around and fell in love, with you April, baby
    I foobed around and fell in love, I foobed around and fell in love
    Free, on my own is the way I used to be
    Ah, but since I met you baby, love’s got a hold on me
    It’s got a hold on me now, I can’t let go of you baby
    I foobed around and fell in love
    I foobed around and fell in love, oh yes I did
    I foobed around, foobed around, foobed around, foobed around,
    foobed around, foobled around, fell in love
    Foobed around, foobed around, foobed around, foobed around,
    foobed around, foobed around, fell in love
    I foobed around, fell in love
    I fell in love, I fell in love, yes I did

  176. O’Fogeyette
    March 26th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    I just spent the last six hours straight editing a PDF file and I am cross-eyed and cross. But I keep forgetting to tell Dingo that I am voting for Starving Rock every single day.

  177. cheech wizard
    March 26th, 2007 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    152 – Hogen Mogen: Re: Fred Bassett – since when are champion showdogs allowed to wander around the streets and take up with packs of other dogs, getting ticks, into fights, knocked up, trundled under the tyres of cement trucks or, in the case of Fred, casually flinging their valuable seed to the four winds?

    I can just see the headlines in an upcoming paper:

    “BEST OF BREED CHAMP GETS DOGGIE CLAP
    Enters rehab for sex, booze addiction
    May be forced to give up crown.

  178. Marion Delgado
    March 26th, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: St Marcus of Lost Foresisi cannot be fooled. As you see here,a chickadee tells Mark that Dan is reallly still alive. All the woodland creatures will thwart any misdeeds that happen in Mark’s demesne. If you are up to monkeyshines, pick another forest.

  179. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    Big Rubber Rolly Chuch of Mighty Bull Alligator Genitals! I just checked out April’s M.O on the foob site.: Her favorite band is NOT Helen Reddy, but CHUNX!…Man, that sounds like CHENNUX to me! Unsafe at any speed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you Apes!

  180. macb
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    Dingo- Congratulations!

  181. Chromium
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    Lame rerun joke aside, I do find it pretty funny that Crankshaft wears a tie over his bus driver uniform to funerals. The tie clip really completes it.

  182. Marion Delgado
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    April going underage roadside, Abbey AND Neddy getting it on in Paris’s Red Light district – MUST BE SWEEPS WEEK!

    June will have to find a skimpier, more form-fitting sleeveless tee to show off her breasts in. Abbey, knock that vase full of water onto June. Good Dog! Not you, Abbey, I meant the shaggy-haired hyperactive house pet. Oh, shoot.

  183. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    Chuch. That’s kinda like Gil Thop…Thousand pardons.

  184. Moon Mullins
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    In today’s Drabble,

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/3/26&name=Drabble

    Mom and Dad Drabble are talking about going to a new movie called “Chick Fuck”. I have searched my local listings and cannot find it playing anywhere. Does anyone know more about this film? I’d like to see it.

  185. HBGlord
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    165 — MO’M: That’s a headscratcher, all right. Maybe they were aficionados of a particular beer they must have imported from New Orleans. (Just showing a little love for your hometown brew, bootsybooks & Trotzenbonnie.) Or perhaps they were enamoured of one member of a pair of cartoon meices. Aw, jeez — now i have a divot in my hair from scratching my head in wonderment.

    173, 175 — Glad to be back, brother Red G. Hope to stick around a bit. And that’s some swell Elvin Bishop parodying (Y’know, Starship’s Mickey Thomas actually sang it, not Elvin, and furthermore, zzzzzzzzzzz. P.S.: Zzzzzzzzzzzz). And you did it without once using the word “roadside.”

  186. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    #179 Red Greenback,
    When Apwil gets sick from the wine and says she’s blowing chunks, I guess it will mean something very different than what it traditionally means.

  187. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    Laurie Anderson “Excellent Birds”

    Fatal Gas. Terminal Gas. Watch it fly. There it goes. Farting flow. Terminal Flow. Here it comes. Hear it honk. Long farts. Incessant farts. Ewww I smell them now. This is the picture. I’m sitting in the bus. Late for school again. My mom is moving. Alphamom time. Jump up! I can almost reach out the window. Look out! This is the picture. This is the picture. This is the picture. This is the picture. Looking out. I’m watching mom. But when I see the future, I close my eyes. I can see it now. I see she’s never gonna make it. I see pictures of my mom falling down. I see pictures of my mom, she’s got my lunch in hand. She’s awesome! I see my plucky mother catching up. I see my mom going for the burn. I see pictures of Crankshaft, his karma’s gonna bite. C’mon, mom! She’s looking out. Look out! There’s a pothole. Watch out! I’m guiding you. Look out! Veer to the left. Watching watching out. I tell Ed “slow it down!”. I see pictures of Crankshaft. He’s a dick
    . He’s a dick. Watch out. I see pictures of Ed’s friend. He’s dying. He’s dying of. Terminal Flatulence. Farting. Farting. He’s dying. I see Crankshaft’s friend dying. Fart away. Watch out. Your friend’s dying. And you make a “joke”.

  188. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    #184 Moon -

    In the URL you cite, that final little quoty bit prevents the server from interpreting “Drabble” correctly – and so, tragically, it sends you 9 Chickweed Lane — the base and irreducible minimum of all Chron strips.

  189. Moon Mullins
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    188: Aaack!! Live and learn. What I’d really like to be able to do is that thing people do here, have a titled link. I know how to do basic HTML like bold but can you teach the other way?

    The link without the quoty thing, in case people went to it and couldn’t find their way back to the main screen, is http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/3/26&name=Drabble

    In case you really want to see Dad Drabble say “Chick Fuck”.

  190. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    I just gotta say it again “Ziggy’s edible Sailor Moon underwear”

  191. Squid Countess
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    #48 AhClem Yes! it was your remark I was thinking of. *snicker* Lag screw. *snicker snicker*

  192. Poteet
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    # 129 — BWAHAHA! Nicely done, gh!

    # 150 — Uncle Lumpy, congratulations on a truly classic snark. It’s an honor to be a bridesmaid in the same list with you.

    However, your STEVE CANYON comment has me a little worried. As far as I remember, I had a mad crush on Cousin Stevie B. for years, but I always knew in my heart that it was hopeless, which gave me that occasional wistful expression. And the crush never went beyond yearning, except for maybe that unfortunate spanking incident. Or am I forgetting something? (Ulp.)

    # 187 — Holy moly, Red, you are certainly showing your parody range today. I never ever heard Laurie Anderson on the radio. Oh yeah, strange dreams.

  193. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    #198 Moon -

    Alas, any attempt to explain html in html runs afoul of Gödel’s first incompleteness theorem. It’s difficult to show you all the trixy characters without inadvertently launching html sequences.

    But what the hell:

    In a world in which /L/ is a less-than sign or left-pointing arrow and an /R/ is a greater-than sign or right-pointing arrow -

    1. Open your tag with /L/a href=”” title=””/R/ (just like it says in the “Leave a Reply” instructions).

    2. Insert your URL between the quotes that follow ‘href=’ (above, it’s ‘ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G%C3%B6del's_incompleteness_theorem ‘) and your mouseover title (above, ‘An explanation why it can’t be done – and an example!’) between the quotes that follow ‘title=’.

    3. After /R/, type whatever you want to appear in the comment – above, it’s ‘Gödel’s first incompleteness theorem.’ Watch your spacing – it’s easy to double ‘em up or leave ‘em out.

    4. Close your tag! Close your tag! Close your tag! Just as you opened it with ‘/L/a . . . /R/’, close it with /L//a/R/ (that second slash is meaningful – it’s the same way you close a bold tag, but with a instead of b).

    5. ‘See it before you say it’ is your friend!

    That’s it. Easier to do than explain. Hope that helps.

  194. Blondie
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    FBFW: We all knew it was going to happen. Since Gerald said Bad Things about Sharon he is no longer allowed to be April’s significant other (thus breaking the chain of Patterson children ending up with their first loves). Making a move on April will be the perfect way for Lynn to show Gerald being a jerk, April being a saint, and it will bury their relationship completely.
    Because, y’know, the Patterspawn never get back together with old boy/girlfriends. No sirree.

  195. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    #193 me -

    Ack! “189 Moon”, fer Chrissake. See it before I say it, see it before. . . .

    #192 Poteet -

    As I recall, the girlhood crush was a fine thing, but as you blossomed into the full flower of your fine, fine young womanhood, things got a little, er, smouldery for Cousin Steve, and, via his editors, Uncle Milt.

    And so you were rudely cashiered. For years I searched the streets and alleys of a country I could no longer call my own. Then found you here.

    Lock your doors.

  196. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    Dancing at the disco / Bumper to bumper
    Wait a minute / Where’s me jumper?

  197. mumbles
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: This storyline reminds me of a series of “South Park” episodes that all involved a party the adults were attending to watch a meteor shower. “South Park” even had a babysitter storyline, except South Park’s episode ended with neighborhood cats having an orgy in the Cartman house, and I can’t imagine anything as amusing happening in Mount Foob. Well, maybe Farley, the other dog and the First Nations cat will have a threesome. I can only dream.

  198. stinky pete
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    189 Moon, at the risk of trying to improve on Uncle Lumpy’s explanation, typing this in the “your comment” box:

    <a href=”http://joshreads.com” title=”HTML explanation”>A link to this site</a>

    will get you:

    A link to this site

  199. willethompson
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    Such wonderfully crocheted snark tonight. Red G pours his heart and fingers into excellent parody… Uncle Lumpy rides like a cloud above Sinai, burning bush, burning bright…the triune Fates of O’Fogeyette, Poteet and Squid Countess ushering the souls to rest or foment… Who will read this? This message in a bottle, not fit for COTW, but message nontheless.

    I swear by our collective souls that should my silly little book sell, I will visit each worthy ‘Mudge and stand them a glass, be it Dasani or Laphroiag. You are all too special.

    Selah.

  200. Trotzenbonnie
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    #185 – HBGlord
    If I can’t have a Jax with my Lucky Dog then Blackened Voodoo will do.

    Laurie Anderson and Elvin Bishop in one thread. Is this the best blog or what. Didn’t someone also mention John Cage (no, not the guy from Ally McBeal) not too long ago? And there is still plenty of gray matter left to engage in a lively discussion about Ziggy’s underpants. You all never cease to amaze me.

  201. Hawkwoman
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    Sally Forth-I’ve been wondering what happened to Margo’s hot pink turtleneck. Ted fills it out almost as well as Miss Magee does.

  202. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    Hi Trotz! Here’s my John Cage parody:

    …………………….,………………..,……………,……………..

  203. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    Oh, yeah…just to add a mashup to the John Cage lyrics; …Do the Freddy!

  204. Poteet
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    # 195 — Uncle Lumpy, you always do have such a way with words. Thank you. And how nice to know that in a few short years, I will reappear on Humorous Maximus, heaven and the Internet willing, and do it all again. Meanwhile, that Copper person has got a lot to learn. Hmmph.

    # 199 & 200 — Wille and Trotzenbonnie, I agree with you.

    # 202 — BWAHAHA! Thanks, Red.

  205. Squid Countess
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    * nervously enters thread, looks around*
    Here at the end of the thread where neither God nor my mother can see, I’m just going to mention that the “Amos… makes my clitoris wither and die” remark by Anonymous is by me, so I have a double runner-up win this week.
    *runs out of thread*

  206. HBGlord
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    #196 — Red G.: Please tell me you didn’t! You didn’t just quote Sultans of Ping FC! Damn, you really are my brother! (Wait, you aren’t literally my brother, are you? Who am i kidding — his musical tastes aren’t that cool.) And Elvin Bishop, Laurie Anderson and the Sultans of Ping in one post — that’s some freeform-radio-style commenting/parodying!

  207. Trotzenbonnie
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    RIP Freddie Garrity :>C

    And never do the Freddie under a ceiling fan. Ouch!

  208. Len
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    Poor Arnold! The Bearded Lady needs a MAN. And everyone knows MEN are from Mars. Or Zerblat. Whatever.

    (I think she’s just curious to see what a green weinie looks like.)

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070326&name=Piranha

  209. Trotzenbonnie
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    #205 – SquidC
    Bravo. And brave to fess up. As far as this being the end, I don’t know. It feels like these guys are just warming up for the next number.

    #206 – HBG
    He did. He really did.
    My jaw is permanently locked on “AWE”.

  210. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    #198 Pete -

    So how did you keep that line of html from being executed?

  211. Red Greenback
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    HBGlord: My brother from another..My mother would be oh, so angry…Oh, yeah and (DT) Gil Thorp and (K)FC…

  212. AhClem
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    I’ve never given much thought to Lio, but after Sunday’s strip, I went back and looked at a number of older ones. I am now a fan! It’s sort of Edward Gorey meets Bill Watterson, and I mean that in a positive way. I wonder if I could convince the local paper (note the Gina-like specificity) to drop H&L, BB, the amazingly lame “Buckles” or a number of tired old has-been strips and pick up Lio instead.

  213. Len
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    #208 — I meant Grelzak. Men are from Grelzak. Men like Zerblat are from Grelzak. And Trix are for Kids.

    Poor Niki! June needs a MAN. (So does Dr. Morgan.) But she just might get Heather.

  214. Mibbitmaker
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    WHY DON’T WE FOOB IT GOIN’ ROAD(side)
    by Gerald BeatlePaul. From the “Great White North Album”

    Why don’t we FOOB it, goin’ road(side)?
    Why don’t we FOOB it, goin’ road(side)?
    Why don’t we FOOB it, goin’ road(side)?
    Why don’t we FOOB it, goin’ road(side)?
    No one should be reading this,
    Whyyyyy don’t we FOOB it, goin’ ro-oad(side)?

    Why don’t we FOOB it, goin’ road(side)?
    Why don’t we FOOB it goin’ road(side)?
    Why don’t we FOOB it, FOOB it, goin’ road(side)?
    Why don’t we FOOB it, goin’ ro-o-ho-hoad(side)?
    No one should be reading this!
    Why don’t we FOOB it, goin’ road(side)?

  215. MonkeyHawk
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    #207 — Trotzenbonnie wrote:

    “… never do the Freddie under a ceiling fan.

    That would be doing the Vic Murrow.

  216. stinky pete
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    210 UL, use the HTML code for “greater than” and “less than” signs, rather than using “>” and “<”.

    > = &gt;
    < = &lt;

  217. Uncle Lumpy
    March 26th, 2007 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    #216 Pete -

    Thank you!

  218. kippetje2000
    March 26th, 2007 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    I bet you really know you’re a Plugger when you see your face on the pizza delivery box!

  219. Jym
    March 27th, 2007 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    =112= Zippy (Non-Shannon): I also love Zippy. You do realize that “Zerbina” is a TDIETism (as is “Tip O’ The Pin”)?

    =216= (stinky pete): And of course &amp;gt; is the way to type &gt; to explain how to render a >.

  220. Uncle Lumpy
    March 27th, 2007 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    #219 Jym -

    And it just goes on like that, doesn’t it – I mean, forever.

    That’s why html makes Baby Jesus cry.

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