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Sophie Spencer: Grimly determined to find love

Baldo, 8/10/11

It took me a moment to figure out that Baldo is supposed to be embarrassed by his family’s ludicrous outfits. I at first assumed that his father subscribed to some religion that operated in a way that was exactly the opposite of most religions and actively opposed shame on general principles. “Baldo, why do you cover your thighs with your sinfully long shorts? Why do you not show the world your package, like I do in my Speedo? It’s what God wants!”

Judge Parker, 8/10/11

You probably don’t remember, what with the exciting last four months of Judge Emeritus Parker getting everything he wants with no effort on his part, but our gal Sophie has a bit of a romantic conundrum, what with there being a boy that she wants but can’t have because he likes some other girl better. Abbey urged Sophie to study the problem in her analytical, borderline Aspergers way, and now she appears to have come up with a solution. Doesn’t she look like a happy young girl in love with a plan to win over the object of her affection? Sure, if taking out the young man and his girlfriend and all of her other classmates in a hail of bullets counts as “winning.”

Mary Worth, 8/10/11

I’m delighted by how much grown-up Gina’s head in panel one looks exactly the same as little-girl Gina’s head in panel two. I certainly hope that whatever family drama we’re about to see unfold involves her parent’s secret horror and disgust at their daughter’s adult skull, perched unnaturally atop her child’s body.

That dinner scene sure is an accurate depiction of life in a cramped New York apartment, what with everyone sitting around four inches from various items of bedroom furniture.

Ziggy, 8/10/11

I was about to make some comment about how Ziggy’s parrot is a paranoid schizophrenic, ranting about how “they” were secretly tracking his every move, but then I realized that it’s really much more likely that Ziggy’s the crazy one, and this is a Son of Sam like situation. “No, he’s the one who told me that they were CIA agents! He’s the one who told me they had to die! Say something!” “SQUAAAAK” “See! See!

Gasoline Alley, 8/10/11

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date with the pulse-pounding action in Gasoline Alley! I’ve been nervous that it might just be more excitement than you can handle.

246 responses to “Sophie Spencer: Grimly determined to find love”

  1. charterstoned
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    MT – This is clearly the Mark Trail version of a Batphone, instantly connecting Mark to Johnny Malotte and the Big Lead that will help him solve the Mystery of the Gold Bird Band. I would like to know how Johnny managed to get a landline phone, though, when he lives so deep in the Canadian wilderness that he apparently must rely on oil lamps for illumination because there’s no electricity.

    MW – Gina smiled happily. Another dinner with her vapid parents—or was it breakfast? She vaguely considered the question as she consumed more of the same white, formless mass of glop that her mother had served at every meal for as long as she could remember. It certainly tasted like shit, as always, but she was still happy, because she knew no other way to be. Only a sudden and inexplicable craving for lemonade made her feel as empty as the glass she held in her hand, and the premonition that Fate would inevitably deal her a cruel blow chilled her. Her ponytail trembled.

    A3G – Ah, yes, a lemonade bath!

  2. tb4000
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    GA: Because Lord knows if I have to go out and actually buy another machine, a week of pulse pounding cliffhangers await that my poor heart just will not be able to withstand.

  3. Kristian
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Hi and Lois: In these non-religious and amoral times, the only thing holding some kids in check is the threat of a savage candy cane beating from Santa. Hey, whatever works, right?

    B.C.: A disembowelling joke? Refreshing! Or is it Tripe Tuesday again?

    Crock: Camels, yes, fine. But why is E.T. on the sign?

    Gasoline Alley: Warranty voiding action!

    Judge Parker: “Have You now a Strategy to Woo the Dashing Derek?” – Rodgers and Hammerstein or Gilbert and Sullivan? Hmm, needs more work. G&S it is. Be right back.

  4. Dennis Jimenez
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    OK – Nuttin’ much spoke to me today, but in the dame in the last panel of GA looks like she could have been penned by Edvard Munch.

    Adios Amigos. DJ.

  5. charterstoned
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    MW – Is Gina’s mother eating her foodstuff with a knife??? So THIS is where the Cruel Blow of Fate began to take shape! Realizing how pathetic their lives were, and seeing no way out of their meaningless existence, Gina’s mother takes out her husband in a sudden release of pent-up rage and frustration, right between courses of glop.

  6. Hank
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Actually, when you consider that the guy attempting manual labor in Gasoline Alley is supposed to be ninety years old, that actually is kind of interesting.

  7. PookNLump
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW: In panel one, Mary has removed her hand from her wrist for some reason… and she’s… oh, dear, she’s looking… RIGHT AT ME!! Make her stop looking at me! *whimper* No, don’t meddle me. I’ll be good, I swear!

  8. Jesshelga
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    While I’m struck by the other weird elements of today’s Mary Worth–Gina’s bighead, the oddball caption of their idyllic family times–it is Mary’s horrifying frozen meddlemask that captures my attention and will not allow me to look away. Hannibal Lecter would look into that face and be all, like, “Brrrrrrr.”

  9. charterstoned
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    @PookNLump (#7): OMG, it burns!!!!!

  10. charterstoned
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    But say, wouldn’t that make a fantastic lapel pin? Mary’s face, with the caption, “I’m on my meddle!”

  11. Jessy
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    GA: I was thinking maybe we needed some bolding or caps in the last panel–”Calling an AUTHORIZED repairman! The booklet says if we don’t–the WARRANTY will be VOIDED!” But on second thought, when the storyline itself contains so much excitement, why rely on cheap font tricks?

    Okay, I am off to slip some nitroglycerin under my tongue (to calm my heart from the excitement of GA, you understand, not to blow my head off in despair at whatever is going in today in FW) and to send off a submission to a certain one-panel comic: “Pluggers never, ever, void the warranty.”

  12. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: They’re a happy family. They’re a happy family. They’re a happy family, Gina, mom and daddy…

  13. Mibbitmaker
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    A3G: Cue the porn music…

    ECity: Communique from Oswald, to Marmaduke: “It’s working.”

    MW: Let me guess — Gina had that complete hairstyle in the womb, too, right? Also, Mary’s thoughts in panel 1 are in her Goofy voice: “I’m gonna meddle! Huh-hyuk, meddlin’ now, ohboyohboyohboy! Hyuk-yuk-yuk…”

    JP: re: Josh’s comment: Well, she’s certainly dressed the part. Somewhere between the Unibomber and Squeaky Fromme.

  14. Effluvius Erratus
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    MW: “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be!”

    “What happened?”

    “My dad, who never smoked a day in his life, got lung cancer. To provide for us after he was gone, he started manufacturing meth and—”

    “Wait. Isn’t that the plot of Breaking Bad?”

    “Wait. I mean, it turned out that my dad saw his mother cut to pieces with a chainsaw, but he was adopted by the cop who found him and trained my dad to—”

    “That’s Dexter!”

    “Uh…uh…I guess, I mean, so it must have been, like, two years after vampires made their presence known the rest of hu—”

    True Blood!”

    “I’m sorry, Mary. I’m sorry! It’s just that I feel I need to compete with your past meddlees! I mean, Jill was jilted at the altar, Mike’s dad was a vigilante, Wilbur had premarital sex, and Aldo might have killed his wife! I’ve got not dark secrets and past humiliations to explain my unhappiness! All I got is my mom just died and I have a shitty job and that’s it!”

    “Good day, Gina. Don’t call me.”

    “Mary? Mary? Maaaaryyyyyyy?!?”

  15. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Does Baldo wear Berumdez shorts?

  16. Gabacho
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – as much as I hope the cruel blow fate deals Gina is that her parents were total morons who could have bought their apartment at an insider price when the building went co-op (“Do you know how much it would be worth now even after the crash? We should have bought.”), I’m afraid it’s going to be a 9/11 story.

  17. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#15): I mean Bermudez.

  18. Jessy
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @PookNLump (#7): I think Mary is rubbing her hands in glee at the very thought of meddling YOU!

  19. tbiggs
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    MW, panel one, Mary looks ecstatically out at YOU, THE VIEWER!

    “Tomorrow, YOU!”

  20. Mibbitmaker
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Instant laugh: First glace at the last panel of today’s Dick Tracy.

  21. jvwalt
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MW: Is it just me, or does Gina’s dad bear a disturbing resemblance to the guy who propositioned her in the diner?

  22. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: If Sophie’s plan doesn’t win her the affection of the boy and a six-figure-plus reward of some kind, she can’t call herself a Spencer/Driver/Parker.

  23. Anonymous
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Josh, darling, you don’t need to protect us from the charming inhabitants of Gasoline Alley. We can handle anything they could poss–

    OMG SHE’S CALLING AN AUTHORISED REPAIRMAN

    *dies*

  24. Binder's Butter Beans
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    *recuperates*

    Oh crap. #23 was me. Maybe I shouldn’t admit that, but there it is.

  25. Kristian
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    “Have You now a Strategy to Woo the Dashing Derek?”
    [Melody: a bit like an up-tempo version of My Favourite Things in a major key, or the Major-General's Song. Aunt Sofies song is a good fit for the last line of each four.]

    [Mother]
    Have you now a strategy to woo the dashing Derek?
    Would he like to see a show, a carnival or fair, ek-
    -spensive gifts and toys and games or maybe something else? (“Art?”)
    Scrutinize, then stimulate his heart until it swells. (“Heart?”)

    Will you be symphonious, concordant and harmonious (“Should be”)
    Or does he prefer a girl that’s slighly more felonious? (“Could be”)
    Will you act aloof and distant, like the coldest fish (“Rath-er”)
    Or is is the ‘eager beaver’ he will find ‘delish’? (“Moth-er!”)

    [Daughter]
    [Slower]
    Should I use my fem’nine viles, try flattery and guile (“Mon dieu!”)
    How to learn what steps to take if I would make him smile? (“Pas de deux?”)

    Oh,
    [A tempo]
    I will use my intellect to woo the dashing Derek
    cogitating carefully should yield requisites for ek-
    -ceptional is any study where I fail to shine. (“Hear, hear!”)
    We’ll be ‘tight’ and ‘tickled pink’ when I can call him mine. (“Oh, dear!”)

    [Peter Mark Roget and the rhyming dictionaries of the web, I salute you.]

  26. Ranger
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Baldo: How can you even see his package with that muffin top?

  27. Chyron HR
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    “SHAME IS A SIN!”

    I… I don’t think it is, actually. Is this a translation issue?

  28. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    “Why should we do what the booklet tells us to do all of a sudden? You didn’t see me ‘plug the washer in’ or ‘turn the water on’, did you? Women! AmIrite?”

  29. Bootsy
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MT: Hey, it’s Johnny Malotte*! And Marie! And of all of zee little Malottes!

    *Please remember to read all of Johnny Malotte’s dialogue like Pepe LePew.

    Luann: Wow, it looks like Rosa’s hair is eating Rosa’s head! How did she ever win the pageant with such weirdly lopsided tits? I mean, the cameltoe, I get. Everybody in Luann has that.

  30. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley: Remember in ’66 when Walt Wallet tore that mattress tag off? Whew, that was a plotline!

  31. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Baldo: Baldo’s just digging his Sam Driver-inspired Adirondack chair-reclining Spencer Farms’ groove, man.

  32. Swordsmith
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @Chyron HR (#27): Gonna have to agree with you on that one, as far as I can see (which is to say, first page of Google results only) Sin is shameful, which isn’t the same as Shame is sinful.

  33. Roto13
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Oh, Jesus, Gina’s father is the same guy who hit on her the other day.

  34. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Frazz: I lol’d.

    Lio: can we get “squid with brain freeze” as a T-shirt?

    OtH: TURTLES DON’T HAVE BOOBS!!!!! (day 5)

    rMC: Norm, not as big of a dick as he tries to be.

    A3G: panel 1, Lu Ann fails at jilling off.

    DT: what is this “search warrent” you refer to?

    JUMBLE goes meta.

    Luann: Rarnaby Budge, by the well known Dutch author Charles Dikkens with two ‘k’s. [*]

    MT: zoot alors! Zhonny Malote!

    6Cx: demonstrates the difference between raccoons and racoons.

    Zits: unspeakable filth?

  35. Scott Bot
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    MT – So Greg Brady is using the name Johnny Bravo permanently now?

  36. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Mary – “Ignorance was bliss, all right. Now the only time I see Dad is when he gives me a tip laden with creepy innuendo. (Sigh.)” [no, jvwalt, it wasn't just you]

    Pluggers – We’re being schooled in the true nature of pluggerness. All this time, I thought it was enough that an item be a pathetic makeshift cargo-cult imitation of something to be called the plugger version of it. I see now what I should have seen long ago: it also has to be mind-numbingly, cripplingly boring as well.

    Rx – What sharp eyewear! Somewhere, some poor cat is wandering around eyeless.

  37. Shoebox
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    To papraphrase Robin Williams in ‘Aladdin’: Um, where exactly does it say that the part of Mary Worth will be played today by a short, white-haired gnome? Is there a sort of One Ring of meddling, and the more people that allow Mary into their heads, the closer she gets to Gollum-hood?

  38. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man – Today we see the hazards of explaining everything you do out loud as you’re doing it, as well as the truly shocking lengths people will go to to avoid talking to ol’ Spider-Breath. Sucks to be you, Pete!

    Zits – I have to tell you from experience, kid: if your natural skin-tone is fishbelly white, you’ll never feel tan next to your best friend whose skin is a robustly mellow shade of chocolate even in the dead of winter.

    @Kristian (#y199): Yes, you probably should wear glasses, if you can find any that fit those softball-sized protruding eyes.
    Luckily, she found herself a man who likes them big and round.

  39. GhostMorrave
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Gina’s bizarre head transplant is amusing, I grant you, but lets not be missing Mary’s own expression in the first panel. She looks as if her brain has already melted to a sludge just from the Introduction to Gina’s life story.
    Either that, or Aldo Kenrast has just returned from the dead, danced naked before her eyes, informed her that she’s won $8 million in lottery money but has only 3 days to live, slapped her in the face, then vanished in a puff of smoke.
    Those are literally the only two plausible explanations for that expression on her face.

  40. Calico
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Josh wrote “analytical, borderline Aspergers way”
    Are you sure Sophie isn’t Mark Trail’s child?
    Oh, and GA gal looks like she might have the same condition. Yikes.

    Baldo – what package?

  41. caliban
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Is 3G heading for another Luann in Suspiria episode. Who slipped her the acid?

  42. charterstoned
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    MW – Maybe whatever it is that Mary is doing with her right hand in the first panel is the reason for that expression on her face.

  43. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    My dad was born in 1927 and, when he was a kid, Skeezix was a high schooler courting Nina. Skeezix was very popular; dad had a Skeezix board game, toothbrush holder, books, and I think even a little figurine (although I may be confusing Skeezix with a pair of shmoon dad owned). Since I know how math works, I know Skeezix is roughly 100 years old, and it unnerves me to no end to see this centenarian is not only still voiding warranties (fnarr fnarr) but has a full, luxurious mane of blonde hair. It ain’t right.

  44. TheDiva
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    @Gabacho (#16): Oh my God, you’re right. It’s set in New York, Little!Gina (as far as I can tell from her bizarre “like adult Gina, but smaller” proportions) could be about twelve which makes the age consistent, and this flashback is bound to last into mid-September at least. Yeah, Daddy’s going down with the towers.

    While I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations on “too soon” ran out with United 93, I’m still not entirely comfortable with Mary Worth commemorating the tenth anniversary of the tragedy by having Mary meddle the child of one of the victims out of her survivor’s guilt.

    DT: He should be very effective persuading her, what with his being Mephistopheles and all.

    FW: Jessica wants to make a documentary about her dad, but in reality it’s all about her. Is Lesism contagious?

    Luann: It’s nice that Rosa and Gunther are into the classics; it shows maturity and good comprehension skills (okay, just the latter for Gunther). Plus, it spares Greg Evans the trouble of looking up the names of recently published books that teens might read.

    MT: Oh my God, Von Rothbart’s back, and he’s turning women’s Bible study groups into geese!

    SM: “Shoot, I have GOT to learn to stop announcing my next moves like that!”

  45. Fourth Bear
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    GA: Wasn’t this washer explictly purchased and installed by the store’s personnel just before this riveting scene? Did they buy it from Fly-By-Night No Warranty Appliances? And, again, all this drama could be avoided if they just visited a friend’s house and did laundry there.

  46. twg
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Ziggy: All that aside, am I to understand that the parrot has a cell phone?

    MW: Man, this artist really can’t draw ponytails. It’s eating away at my soul, these crappy ponytails, especially having been teased by good ones just a week ago! AUGH WHY DO I CARE ABOUT MARY WORTH DAMN YOU

  47. La Cieca
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Today’s “Mary Worth” is brought to you by “Hot Comic Strip Busybodies with Michele Bachmann’s Eyes.”

  48. Esther Blodgett
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    MW: Uh-oh, looks like Mary’s frozen up in meddle mode again. Happens a lot with these older models. Gina, be a dear and give her a good hard smack upside the head.

    MT: Does Johnny have a huge head or a tiny hand? The size of the phone is of surprisingly little help in determining perspective here.

    FW: Wait, wasn’t John Darling a big, pompous blowhard? Are we in for another episode of Retcon Theatre? Are Jessica’s facial features going to keep shifting and changing every day? Really, the third question is the only one I’m interested in.

  49. Scott Bot
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Am I the only one that thinks they finally got something right? With the cell phone dependence and the ‘rolls eyes’ attitude when dealing with those pesky adults, Kelly is like a lot of teenagers I’ve met.

  50. coops2001
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    JP: I think Sophie is the Unabomber, sans sunglasses.

  51. UncleJeff
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#29): *Please remember to read all of Johnny Malotte’s dialogue like Pepe LePew.

    And remember to end each sentence with a gutteral “ho ho ho.”

    Lives of the Smug Spencers: In tomorrow’s episode, Sophie — armed with pop culture knowledge gleaned by watching “Jersey Shore” and Judd Apatow comedies startles The Dashing Dexter by showing up in home room wearing nothing but a cut-off t-shirt and a thong.

  52. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: I’m guessing Sophie is going to invoke some sort of wonder-twin, rosan kabar, jubbly power, right?

  53. Kip
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    I have never been more disturbed than I am to look at the face of Mary Worth today. What do you call that expression–giddy hand-wringing insanity? Or is she wearing that plastered-on smile to hide the fact she just snapped off her own hand in sadistic glee at being able to meddle in yet another life?

  54. Little Guy
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    GA: That’s okay, Josh. I see that Skeezix, in his repairing attempt, tore a hole in Clovia’s Dorian Gray portrait when it was stored behind the washer.

  55. Sharktattoo
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Skeezix! Obey the booklet! OBEY THE BOOKLET!!!! GOD COMMANDS THEE!!!

  56. Sharktattoo
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Kip (#53):

    Also, her eyes follow you…..

  57. Écureuil Écumant
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Baldo: The kid who can’t bear to be seen anywhere close to his grotesquely-bodied family members … has two left feet.

  58. Pozzo
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    A preview from the next exciting episode of Gasoline Alley: “Dammit, Skeezix, I told you we should have gotten that home warranty!”

  59. Red Greenback
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    It looks like Gina voided Mary’s warranty.

  60. Écureuil Écumant
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    MT: Love Andy’s reactions. Panel 1, weary eye-roll. “Damn that phone! Home less than a day, and here we go again…” Panel 2, ersatz enthusiasm. “Might as well look like I’m excited about this” as he gives us his best Smif shot.

  61. Twinkles the Elf
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    What the heck, with that face in the last panel of Gasoline Alley? Is that supposed to be the normal aging process, for a middle-aged woman? They make her look like a wax chimp who’s been goosed with a soldering iron.

  62. Kip
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @Sharktattoo (#56)

    > @Kip (#53):
    >
    > Also, her eyes follow you…..

    [shivers]

  63. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    the puns on the lolsites today are so bad that Amend wouldn’t use them, and even Pastis and Price would think twice. Half the loldogs today are about bacon.

    if Baretto was doing Spidey. (sfw cosplay.)

    knitting win.

    how to make a white lion cub 20% cuter? add a husky pup.

    otterly adorable.

    surfs up!

    omg. Arctic Fox kit. *dies of teh kewt*

  64. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#63): alt caption to surfs up: “everybody’s gone derpin’, derpin’ U-S-A.”

  65. Écureuil Écumant
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#36): “Rx – What sharp eyewear! Somewhere, some poor cat is wandering around eyeless.”

    But as she demonstrates in panel 2, when she closes her eyes she can pick up Channel 23 all the way from Tulsa!

  66. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Kip (#53): Every time I see one of your comments or a reply to it, I’m going to think it’s meant for me. I have to ask — real name?

  67. Effluvius Erratus
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    JP: Sophie approaches love with all the insight and subtlety of a robot.

    Run love.exe
    Installing
    Installing
    Installation failed.
    Error 112: No common interests
    Downloading
    cars.add
    Installing
    Run
    love.exe
    Installing
    Installing
    Installation failed.
    Error 327: Just one of the boys.

  68. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft:
    Finally! A humorous Crankshaft strip with a punch line that actually makes sense. Yep, that’s what I’d really like to see, a humorous Crankshaft strip with a punch line that actually makes sense.

  69. Effluvius Erratus
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    YEESH! I think I’m going to have nightmares about Nancy tonight.

  70. Nekrotzar
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Given their typical nocturnal habits and general dislike for bright light, I would be concerned that the bat on Baldo’s head has rabies.

    Did anyone else read JP and immediately hear Baljeet singing ‘Give Me a Grade’?

  71. Tophat
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    I love how Mary is sitting on that bench, rubbing together her hands like a gargoyle as she spends a day with someone she doesn’t know from that one place she ate at that one time. “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be!” Gina says happily. “Yes… YEEESSSS” Mary mutters under her breath. “That will make the impending tragedy that much sweeter. Yeeeeessssssss.”

  72. AhClem
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Gabacho (#16):

    …I’m afraid it’s going to be a 9/11 story.

    You may be on to something. The 10th anniversary of 9/11 is only a month away (41 seconds away in the Worthiverse).

  73. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#34):

    OtH: TURTLES DON’T HAVE BOOBS!!!!! (day 5)

    That’s not as bad as Verne’s low hanging moobs.

  74. Doctor Handsome
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Yes, Sophie, the male libido is a fantastically complex thing. If he doesn’t find you attractive, extensive research and planning is surely the key to winning his heart. Christ, haven’t you ever heard any stand-up comedian, ever? JUST BLOW HIM.

  75. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#69): You’re right about the nightmarish aspect of Nancy. On the other hand, I have this sudden compulsion to go out and rescue an animal today.

  76. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#69): I had no idea Salvador Dalí did comic strips.

  77. AhClem
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    MW Okay, it appears that the Mary meddlebot has locked up again. Gina, you need to do the “three-finger salute” to reboot her: one finger in the right eye, another finger in the right nostril, and a thumb in the right ear. At the password prompt, enter “BIDDY1.”

  78. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley: I don’t get it. Shouldn’t the womenfolk be down at the river slapping dirty clothes against a rock or something?

  79. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#77): The Worth model 100s were always twitchy.

  80. Little Guy
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    JP: Sophie is dating Jennifer Tilly? How Pedosapphic.

  81. Effluvius Erratus
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#74):

    JUST BLOW HIM.

    Run blowjob.exe
    Installing
    Installation failed.
    Error 069: Gag reflex. Error 992: Projectile vomiting. Error 001: Social pariah

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#75):

    On the other hand, I have this sudden compulsion to go out and rescue an animal today.

    A nice pair of puppies?

    @Sequitur (#76):

    I had no idea Salvador Dalí did comic strips.

    Actually

  82. Kip
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo

    It’s short for an online alias. I’ll stop using it if you prefer.

  83. Little Guy
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#54): Retract. Sorry, my bad. I confused Old Old Couple with Old Old OLD! Couple.

  84. Greg
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    I can’t get over how poor and amateurish the drawing is in Mary Worth. Beyond the problems with perspective, the proportions and laughable color scheme, Mary Worth herself is disturbingly looking like Dr Zaius in the first panel. “Stop meddling in my life, you damned dirty ape!!”

  85. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Mary has that look on her face that I’ve seen on infants and even Marvin. For all that is good in the world, run away, Gina. Run. Now!

  86. Doctor Handsome
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Ziggy’s in a featureless limbo devoid of any landmarks whatsoever, save the mocking “you are here” sign insisting that he is, in fact, in some sort of nightmarish labyrinth. I know you’re an unfathomably cruel god, Tom Wilson, but at least let our hapless protagonist know which hellscape he’s currently trapped in. For fuck’s sake, this thing runs in family newspapers.

  87. Walker of Dog
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    JP: Sophie certainly has done her homework; she has rigged the car to travel at light speed. After several decades, she won’t have aged at all but her rival, that skankster, will be a withered old crone. Sophie will be so much hotter that Derek will have to choose her. And yes, she thought ahead: the trunk is packed with Twizzlers, a stack of Teen People magazines, and an empty coffee can.

    A3G: Gollum-Ann also wants to be a mother, but only because children are such good eatin’.

    Ziggy: When did mall directories become so abstracted? Where’s Sunglass Hut?

    Plug: In the midst of his assault on Lima, Ohio, Brookins finds a moment to defame Pflugerville, Texas.

  88. Écureuil Écumant
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#69): I’m hoping to see Fritzi fall prey to the same syndrome, and turn into Loweezy.

  89. Navigator
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Blondie is funny, because of fish cannibalism.

  90. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Navigator (#89): Blondie would have been funnier is the fish was floating upside down in the last panel.

  91. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Nancy: If you stretch out your Silly Putty before you slap it on this strip, you can compress the faces back down to normal.

    Mary Worth: If you stretch our your Silly Putty before you slap it on this strip, you can save yourself a lot of retching when you don’t bother lifting it off the page.

    Cow and Boy: If you stretch out your Silly Putty before you slap it on this strip, you should slap yourself for hiding a dementedly humorous strip from view.

    Zits: If you stretch out your Silly Putty before you slap it on this strip, you can hide the bukkake unless you’re into that sort of thing.

  92. Doctor Handsome
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED THAT ZIGGY IS FUCKING WEARING PANTS! *single gunshot, thud*

  93. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#81): It’s interesting that the Salvador Dali “toons” are funnier than most of the stuff in the comic strips.

  94. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#90): that’s what I was expecting, tbh.

  95. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    EVERYONE! Look here for comic character deaths!

  96. Effluvius Erratus
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#85):

    Mary has that look on her face that I’ve seen on infants and even Marvin.

    That is to say, Mary just pooped her bloomers.

  97. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#91): Sometimes one can use a bit of Silly Putty helper.

  98. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#95): I notice they couldn’t include Margo.

  99. Old School Allie Cat
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    Doonesbury – Hey, GB Trudeau, you know what I’d love to see all week? A sweaty fat dude sitting in a bathtub smoking a cigar and a wall of text? Thanks!

    FW – Jessica, has it occurred to you that explaining to an adopted teenager from China about how you *never really knew your father* might be a little insensitive? I’m pretty sure the only “father” Jinx has ever known is the asshat who saddled her with a novelty name and is disappointed in her failure to be good at sports. But keep talking and maybe you’ll feel less shitty about your pitiful existence.

    gilthorp – Run, Molly – you have your whole life ahead of you to get involved with men who have anger issues.

  100. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#97): That’s what I use when I hear clowns outside. Works great.

  101. Walker of Dog
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    FW: Summer: “He was murdered when I was a baby.”
    Other Person: “I’m sorry you were too small to get any good footage or record your own immediate horrified thoughts.”

    MT: Andy’s ear crimps look nice.

    MW: Gina’s face may have developed early, but one of her big-girl shoulders didn’t come in until she was 16. However, it’s nice that she has such fond memories of family meals in the dining/bed/bathroom.

    Jumb: The stage performance of Jumble was: A multi-platform marketing venture too far.

  102. Johnny Q
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Maybe a nice cool bath is what I need.” Of all the Luanns in the world, she’s the Luanniest!

  103. Uncle Lumpy
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Mark TrailJOHNNY MALOTTE!!! Ahh … Now, Mary Worth, would a little Carlos Alora be too much to ask?

  104. Écureuil Écumant
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#95): Surfing recklessly off your link, we crash onto the likely cause of Spidey’s oomphlessness. He’s way down on compression because his rings aren’t sealing anymore.

  105. Fashion Police
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#13) said:

    Well, she’s certainly dressed the part. Somewhere between the Unibomber and Squeaky Fromme.

    Miss Spencer’s meticulous researches gleaned young Derek’s devotion to a religious sect that commands women to cover their hair. The lavender hoodie is half-hearted, at best. We would have recommended a wimple.

  106. T. Chicana
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Jeff is about to get inducted into the “Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians” blog!!

  107. T. Chicana
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    …wait, is his name Jeff? The husband?

  108. Jym
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    =102= A3G @Johnny Q (#102): Best development in this strip in a long time! Of course, no woman who ever gets nude is suitable for New Jersey motherhood.

  109. debussy fields
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    MW– What a coincidence, Gina! Growing up with MY parents was a memorable time for me too!

    FC–Jeffy, you little pervert! Don’t touch your sister there!

    MT– Is Mark just making random calls to friends to ask if they know anything about gold bands with religious quotations on them? And will everyone he calls say, “As a matter of fact, Mark, yes, some time ago I saw one somehow”? And is Mark related to Rubber Man or what? What’s with his leg?

    GA–If I had to look at that face in the last panel, I’d stick my head in that washing machine and turn on the spin cycle.

  110. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#109):

    GA–If I had to look at that face in the last panel, I’d stick my head in that washing machine and turn on the spin cycle.

    Eh, I think you looked at it.

  111. Will
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Baldo: To take this seriously for a moment, I can only assume that Baldo’s dad is hinting at the 4th Commandment.

  112. commodorejohn
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    A3G – And here I thought everybody was joking about this looking like the introduction to a porno. A bland, oddly-frilly porno, but still. Guess all this talk of babies makes Luann feel funny inside.

    A&J – Aww.

    BB – Lt. Flapp, if the guy’s not-so-discreetly studying the other soldiers’ erections, I don’t think he’s probably missing out on a lot by not looking at Buxley.

    Curtis – Billingsley, it’s pretty ballsy for you of all people to mock one of your characters for his commitment to the status quo.

    DT – OH MY GOD, MEGA-FACIAL HAIR! CALL MARK TRAIL!

    FW – Ha ha!

    HOTC – Amen.

    JP – “I have calculated optimum love-vectors! Infatuation in T-minus thirty minutes!”

    Luann – See, my hope was that by the (inevitably-temporary) dissolution of the Luann-Gunther not-romance, we’d be spared more Godawful freakout stammering by Plaid-Boy and it could be presumed to be happening off-camera. HA HA, SILLY ME. [*]

    MT – Oh my God, Johnny Malotte! Do we get to see his band of Québécois rugrats again? Please?

    MW – “Darling, have you ever considered what it would be like to be something other than happy?” “I’ve tried, dear, but I’m just so darn happy I can’t think of any other way to be!” “By gosh, you’re right! Aren’t we just the happiest!”

    Momma – I have nothing to say about this strip, but I just noticed that apparently Mel Lazarus’s email address is kpop3@aol.com – that just about says it all, but I’m frankly astonished that he even has a computer.

    Phantom – Well now we’re getting a bit Lewis-y.

    RMMD – “Teachers assaulting students? Pff, who cares, he was a brat anyway.” And the battle in Rex Morgan of WASP versus non-WASP rages on.

    SF – Reminds me of the first couple times my brother had his fiancée over for dinner with the whole family. She of course warmed right up, being from a weird-ish family herself, but who knows how Jon here will handle it. Oh man, what if Jackie shows up?

    SM – Spider-Man, Spider-Man/
    Ripping empty clothes out of the back of a limousine for no apparent reason like a spider can/

  113. Liam
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    MT-Each band on the necklace came from a goose that was killed.

  114. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#113): At least they’re eating well.

  115. Liam
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    MW-Then one day my father introduced us to his boyfriend.

  116. Mustang
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    MW – Josh, you’re right about that tiny place. But, the happy family has made some clever accommodations like eliminating a whole category of cutlery by using sporks and drinking from tiny wine glasses and specimen cups. Happy little tiny life!

  117. Doctor Handsome
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    The sun would be even better if you were actually facing in its direction, Baldo. Baldo’s mom, you’re fine; keep being retarded.

  118. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#74): alternatively, Sophie has been studying relationships via romantic manga. After she confesses to her intended, this will result in 145 chapters of sexless sturm and wangst[*], or a quicky in the classroom after class gets out, depending on *which* sort of manga she’s been studying. [*]

    given that this *is* JP, the former is almost a certainty.

  119. js
    August 10th, 2011 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    Of course poor, credulous Ziggy is the butt of the parrot’s cruel taunting again, as he’s just not bright enough to realize that “they” know where he is because “they” put the sign there first.

  120. Doctor Handsome
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Remember when comic strips used to replace the whole swear word with tornadoes and skulls and clouds with lightning bolts and whatnot? I only ask because Judge Parker‘s censoring of, “If I study the subject, I always get ass!” seems pretty lazy in comparison.

  121. Chip
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    GA: First, let me remind you all that Skeezix and Nina are, like, 90 years old! So any deviation from their routine is life-threatening!

    But, Hey! Nina! They have stores where you can take your laundry and do it there for like, $2! Then you could leave on your vacation and forget all this crap!

    And actually, MY first move if my newly installed washer didn’t work, would be to call the guys who just put it in and get them to fix it…

  122. Peanut Gallery
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Will (#111): I like the Desmond Dekker version of that one. Has a rather odd take on the Golden Rule though.

    Also, just want to mention I thought Speed Bump was great today.

  123. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Chip (#121): I don’t know about those GA installers but when we recently got a new washer and dryer the installers tested the machines before they left to make sure the machines did their job.

  124. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#122): it was. I would have flagged it, but I couldn’t remember if Baka Gaijin hated mimes as well as clowns.

  125. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    OK, Ms. Jessica Bighair. Here’s a tip about “finding your dad.” Try the cemetery. Because he’s dead. And nobody cares. Why don’t you read Les’s brilliant, skillfully researched book about it? So let’s just stop all this foolishness and put the spotlight back where it belongs: Battle of Les vs. the Hollywood Machine

    Best Regards,
    Susan Smith, President

  126. debussy fields
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#110): I meant to say “if I had to look at that face EVERY DAY,” like that poor sucker with the wrench in his hand.

  127. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Kip (#82): I don’t feel as though I have the right to ask you to do that. Perhaps it’s time I learned to deal with it, but thanks for offering.

  128. Bill Peschel
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: “Is Dad planting another tree?” cries out for one of those old Al Jaffe “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions” responses: A) “No, just that one.” B) “No, he’s planting the wheelbarrow.” C) “No, he’s helping the oak race the larch.” D) ____________

  129. commodorejohn
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Peschel (#128): Actually, a lot of Batiuk’s setups could use one of those.

  130. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#126): Sorry. I’m such a wisedumbass.

  131. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Peschel (#128): D) “No, he just found out where he lives on Google Maps and he’s sticking a giant pin in the ground to remind him.”

  132. Doctor Handsome
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be! If there’s anyone who can teach me an alternative to happiness, I’m sure it’s you, Mary!”

  133. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

  134. terrapin
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Today in Luann we learn that Greg Evans really, really, really wanted a girlfriend who shared his taste in high-brow literature. Having never found one, he is living out that fantasy in his comic strip. Seriously Greg, you need a support group or something. Pick up Batiuk on your way there.

    MW: You know how sometimes you have to bite your lip or tongue to avoid laughing inappropriately? That’s what I imagine Mary is doing in panel one, only she had to snap her wrist.

  135. SequelMan
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Gonna need a better mathematical mind than mine to calculate the enormity of Pib’s ass as she mounts Geee-off yet again… again… again… (fades into a black well of endless Brookiness that even a Balrog’s light can’t penetrate).

  136. bats :[
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#69): OTOH, Aunt Fritzi is giving her sweater puppies a work-out for a good cause…

  137. SF_Reader
    August 10th, 2011 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    MW – I grew up in NYC and can say with absolute certainty that NO ONE in NYC would have curtains like that. They’ve been illegal since the 70s.
    Also, in panel 1 why is Jeff sitting on a bench wearing an ugly pink skirt and a photo of Mary pasted on his face? This comic is weird.

  138. bats :[
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @Greg (#84): yeah, I thought Mary’d just escaped from a showing of “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and/or “Project Nim.”

  139. Esther Blodgett
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Peschel (#128): D) You horrible bitch, you’ve ruined my life!

  140. Effluvius Erratus
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#136): I especially appreciate how Bushmiller made the lettering all curvy and stretchy. Now that’s devotion to craft.

  141. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    Charles Manson looked at today’s Mary Worth and said, “Damn, bitch, you look all craaaaaazy!”

  142. Fashion Police
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    Upon further review, we would not be at all surprised to find Miss Spencer in print pajama bottoms along with her hooded sweat-shirt, presumably to advertise her rebellious indifference to the culture that elevated her to wealth and privilege. We are just as appalled by her indolence and apparent lack of self-worth as we are by Miss Kelly Knight strumpeting about like a junior gothgrrl. It would serve both of them right to spend the rest of the school-year modelling the Frank Bolle collection.

  143. Comcis Fan
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    MW: Look at Mary wringing her hands Dr. Evil-style and smiling in near orgasmic anticipation of this story and her chance to help! Apparently whatever happened next to Gina, she has neglected in the ensuing 15 or 20 years to change even her hair band.

  144. Comcis Fan
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @jvwalt (#21):

    It’s not just you. That was my first thought upon viewing that scene.

  145. Dood
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Yes, Mary, keep desperately checking your pulse because unless this backstory involves a drive-by shooting and a life-long commitment to finding the dastardly perps, we’re all going to be bored to death.

  146. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley: Prediction — they’re going on vacation and put in a notice to shut off the water. (I know, you don’t do that in the real world, but this is Gasoline Alley.)

  147. Effluvius Erratus
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#141): For you (and Charlie)…

  148. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#147): Yeah, dat’s the ticket!

  149. mojo
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    MW: “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be. Of course, being New Yorkers we could only afford a rickety little card table to eat dinner on. But we made it work by never putting any actual food on it.”

  150. bats :[
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

  151. Girl Reporter
    August 10th, 2011 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#29): Can rampant man-on-man hair-tousling be far behind!?

  152. Government Cheese
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Did Gunter just jizz in his pants? I’m not sure if its over the lady or referencing Ivanhoe.

    MW: “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be”. Well duh – most New Yorkers are on anti-depressants anyway.

  153. littlestevie
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    GT: I’ll bet Molly can straighten Kenny’s putter out.

  154. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    JP: Yes Sophie, study hard and you’ll get A’s. And since you’re a pubescent femail in Judge Parker you should also be getting huge T’s soon enough.

    MW: As artist Joe Giella well knows, the hairstyle you have in fifth grade is the one you’ll be stuck with for life. Choose wisely, kids!

    BB: So Doctor Bonkus is a military-grade pecker checker. A man’s got to have a hobby. Leave him alone.

    A3G: Don’t get excited, folks. This isn’t a webcomic. The odds of Lu Ann’s bath even resulting in a panel of bare shoulder are pretty slim.

    Phantom: The professor’s “I?” stands for “How is it I’ve never gotten around to wedgying this kid?”

    GT: Hey, Kenny runs into the girl he likes right after he’s been abusing his club. Usually the order is different.

    DT: Larry Talbot speaks pretty well considering the full moon is out and he’s mostly wolf at this point.

    MT: It’s Johnny Mallotte’s closely-guarded family secret. His wife is a Canada goose, he’s a Catholic, and they both have very traditional parents.

    Curtis: “You want us to find a new premise, Barry? Billingsley has to work three days a week as it is!”

    BSt: Haha, it’s funny because the dog is about to get rabies!

    S-M: The Big Boss’ driver isn’t just escaping, he’s break-dancing his way out of there!

  155. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#152): I just recently read Barnaby Rudge. I enjoyed the story, but I don’t think a reference to it would have that effect on me.

  156. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Please say this is not Crankshaft’s “Love Orchard.” You know, where he plants a tree every time he has sex. Ewww. Nasty. Pass the brain Drano.

  157. MWDG
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Gina’s parents look oddly old to have spawned baby Gina. I am wondering if Gina was abducted from a hospital? Are her parents siblings (not judging…just commenting.) I hope this isn’t considered in appropriate but I believe Gina’s mother is “pleasuring herself” under that cheap card table.

    Perhaps the lovely Terry Bryson can counsel Gina and bring her out of her funk.

  158. Esther Blodgett
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#150): Aaah! Scary goose is scary!

  159. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#152): Are you saying that Ivanhoe gives Gunther a lance in his pants?

  160. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

  161. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

  162. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

  163. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#161): Meanwhile in the ladies room…

  164. ArchieNemesis
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#12): “Sitting here in Queens, eating refried beans…”

  165. Black Drazon
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    “Sophie, I just wanted you to know that… no matter how this turns out with Derek… your objectifying approach to human relationships makes me so, so proud. After all, I objectify my relationship with Sam, and if he doesn’t objectify his relationship with me, why, that’s just not the person with the optimal combination of man sex appeal, aloofness and credit rating that I married! And I want you to know that even if something goes wrong, and you two fall in together through common interests or genuine affection, you’ve strill proved to me that you’re still more worth your inheritance than your f**king bleeding heart f**king sister off gallivanting in god**m f**king France. Have a good day at school, honey!”

  166. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#164):
    “…The only times I’m happy is when I can fart steam!”

    Your line rhythm puts me in mind of N.S.U. by Cream.

  167. ArchieNemesis
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#150): Marking the Trail was sweet. Reading in a French accent is good fun.

  168. Carly
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    Does Sophie’s hoodie have a bill? Is this the new, hot thing among the kids these days? Please let this not be the new hot thing among kids these days.
    Oh, wait, the author/artist of Judge Parker has no idea what the hot new thing is. Okay, I feel better now.

  169. ArchieNemesis
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#166): Yours is a nice tune, but I lifted my lines straight from the following:

    We’re a Happy Family – Ramones

  170. Little Guy
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    FW: Too late, Jessica. It’s been done.

    And she’ll raise you an uncle or two to boot.

  171. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    Can Lio get derp eyes?

  172. Sequitur
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#169): I think I just ripped my dungarees.

  173. Government Cheese
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#155): Well we are talking about wormcock Gunter, so anything is possible.

  174. Government Cheese
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#159): How ribald! Indeed!

  175. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 10th, 2011 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    Luann: With all the hemming and hawing and awkward pauses and inability to even say the word “date” that seems to afflict the teens today, how the hell are so many of them getting pregnant?

  176. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @Carly (#168): the previous artist certainly did know how.

  177. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#175): abstinence based education. . . . .

    *ducks*

  178. Liam
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    BC-The Fat Chick used those guts to make a mean steak and kidney pie.

  179. DaveyK
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    Those eyes are telling me that “certified repairman” is a euphemism for “crack dealer” over in Gasoline Alley. Though I didn’t know crack dealers took orders over the phone.

  180. Anonymous
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#175): I would imagine no one in Luann gets pregnant because no one ever has sex. The cast of characters is so small it becomes apparent that no one has been born in over twenty years.

  181. Darryl Heine
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    That Baldo “Shame as a Sin” strip is a rerun from 2003.

    And for today’s Archie 1990: Archie doesn’t have to get mad over Jughead during a hot day.

  182. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    Hope springs eternal. (the power of corgi eyes only works if the humans look!)

  183. Jason1981
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    JP: “THIS time, I’ve braided TWO strands of my hair, instead of just one . Now if you’ll exscuse me, I have to disco dance my way otta the car .”

  184. Jason1981
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    JP: “THIS time, I’ve braided TWO strands of my hair, instead of just one . Now if you’ll exscuse me, I have to disco dance my way outta the car .”

  185. Jason1981
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    Whoops..accidentally posted twice..oh well

  186. demoncat
    August 10th, 2011 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    mary smiled as gina told her story hidding the horror of the truth that her parents hated having to eat diner with her but had no choice . as mary pondered how best to use the info to add gina to her ranks of people she has helped.

  187. Garrisonskunk
    August 10th, 2011 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    Sublimital Advertising hits the comics! No doubt to promote “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”, the artist has Mary looking like Kim Hunter in the original! Almost as good as Elliot Carlin’s imitation in The Ramapo Medical Arts Center elevator.

  188. aravind
    August 10th, 2011 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    Sophie’s going to climb up to the nearest watchtower? Well, at least this time when some twit declares, contextlessly, “Winning” it won’t have an annoying exclamation point at the end but a nihilistic, even sociopathic period. It could always be even better though. If this was Mark Trail, she’d be WINNING.

  189. aravind
    August 10th, 2011 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    Then again, if this was Mark Trail, Sophie wouldn’t be out fighting with the boys, but either trying to be as helpful as possible while stalking the object of her affection or angrily shopping to avoid interacting with her curiously unresponsive spouse.

    Admittedly, staging a live performance of Phone Booth is actually more interesting.

  190. Paul
    August 10th, 2011 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    That Baldo strip is just wide enough that when I focus on Baldo himself, my peripheral vision turns his family into a choir of demented angels, glaring and pointing at me.

  191. Swordsmith
    August 10th, 2011 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#44): “I’m still not entirely comfortable with Mary Worth commemorating the tenth anniversary of the tragedy by having Mary meddle the child of one of the victims out of her survivor’s guilt.”

    Well maybe she could bring Mark in for a meddle-assist. Here’s how it goes. “I called the governor, he said 9/11 is not your fault”

  192. Dilly Pickly
    August 10th, 2011 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#134): As if Greg Evans has a taste for high-brow literature (or any literature). Judging from his story-telling techniques, his entire library is just Baby-Sitters Club books packed with tittering teenagers idly twittering about their crushes but never actually progressing as people in any of the thousands of episodes. He must have Google’d “hard books with big words” and just inserted the first couple of hits into his ready-made dialogue.

  193. Uncle Lumpy
    August 10th, 2011 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Dilly Pickly (#192):

    He must have Google’d “hard books with big words” and just inserted the first couple of hits …

    Since those hits are Jamie Lee Curtis’s Big Words for Little People and the Alcoholics Anonymous Blue Book, I suspect you’re right!

  194. A Woman of a Certain Age
    August 10th, 2011 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    @Dilly Pickly (#192): I must agree. This is the most stilted dialogue ever, even for this strip. No one talks like this. Not teens, not adults, not geezers. Okay, maybe first graders. “I love books, ‘specially the red shiny ones.”

  195. The Diamond in the Window
    August 10th, 2011 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    Gina’s family’s special challenge: “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be,” is a bit chilling. “Loved ones would die, friends would suffer, and still we’d be happy! Sorry! Don’t know any other way to be!”

  196. Josh
    August 10th, 2011 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#175): The anti-sex advice in Luann actually comes from a surprising source.

    Josh

  197. Esther Blodgett
    August 10th, 2011 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Josh (#196): TJ dated pageant queen Rosa Aragones? Luann and Aaron Hill made out? Josh is 36? I learned so much today!

  198. nescio
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#4): Wow, DJ, I didn’t realize Edvard Munch was a real person. I had heard he was an artist who specialized in scenes of loneliness and depression, and thought he was a Funky Winkerbean character.

  199. Perky Bird
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    Medieval legends have the succubus and incubus, demons who prey upon the repressed sexual desires of sleeping men and women. Today, Mary Worth reveals herself to be a “biddibus,” a hideous being that feeds on the despair and sorrow of those around her. During periods when she is unable to find a satisfactory victim, the biddibus subsists on another source of neverending hopelessness and loss: Funky Winkerbean comics.

  200. willowbarcelona
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    MW: Obviously Gina and her parents are eating their NYC dinner in the bedroom because that’s where the air conditioner is. On another note, their home decor is a carbon copy of the cramped NYC dining room in the 1940 Cary Grant movie “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dreamhouse.” Maybe Gina’s troubles started when the family copied the Blandings, moved to New Canaan, and Dad had to face that he wasn’t Cary Grant.

  201. ElkMeadow
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#95):

    I remember Mad Magazine doing obituaries of comic strip characters, but the only one I remember was Prince Valiant, dying at 896 of old age.

  202. TheDiva
    August 10th, 2011 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @The Diamond in the Window (#195): Yeah, Gina’s description calls to mind cults and brainwashing more than it does any sort of functional family life. Then again, I’m not sure Mary Worth recognizes any sort of distinction between the two.

  203. Écureuil Écumant
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    MW: Looking at that second panel, what I see is an issei family trying to assimilate. Sakura print on the wall, kamidama against the right wall, sparely furnished, none too comfortable with handling western utensils yet. Okasan in particular looks like she’s yearning wistfully for her bamboo hashi.

    Otosama, on the other hand, is beyond the aid of utensils. Apparently he’s a multiply-unsuccessful yakuza, which amply explains his immigrant status. Gina’s family shame is that, ever since she was a toddler, she’s been forced to pick his nose for him.

  204. Uncle Lumpy
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    @Josh (#196):

    Hey, waitaminute! TJ’s girlfriend was Rosa — the same Rosa that’s now hot for Gunther? If so, I assume she’s so thoroughly debauched she’ll scare him right back into the arms of Rex Morgan.

  205. mr12ozcan
    August 10th, 2011 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    maryworth- i see giella was a big honeymooners fan judging by the size of the room but ralph kramden never ate off a table the size of a checkerboard with alice and norton
    mark trail- who knew mark had a freind with a baby hand

  206. Liam
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Peschel (#128):

    D) He is just covering up Les Moore’s body.

  207. Mary Worthless
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    Gina said, “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be.”

    She continues….

    My dad got a job teaching high school in Ohio. It was fine at first, but then we found the people to be depressed, mopey, or riddled with cancer.

    There was one English teacher who would haunt my dad all the time. This teacher would go on and on about how his wife had had cancer, was cured, and then died from a terminal clerical error.

    He would read passages to my dad from the book he was writing about the experience.

    Depressing.

    Drivel.

    It drove my dad nuts. He wound up hanging himself from the climbing rope in the gym.

    This left my mother and myself stranded in Ohio. She turned to the only other place in this town that was hiring — a pizza joint.

    My mom started to blossom. She took off and made great strides. She even convinced the owner that his pizza could be a hit in New York City.

    We moved back to New York City and she became quite a hit. Her pies were written up in the New York Times! We were not complete, but we were on the road back to happiness.

    Then, the asshole/bastard owners from Ohio blew into the Big Apple and shut mom down because she was more successful than they could ever hope to become.

    She was devastated.

    Then she found out that she had terminal funktaceous cancer.

    She died…..

    Mary?

    Mary???

    MARY??????????

  208. Baka Gaijin
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Mary Worthless (#207): It’s too long to be on the float itself but this had better get a Reference Mention on the COTW.

  209. commodorejohn
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#208): I agree wholeheartedly. Bravo, Mary Worthless!

  210. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#173):

    Well we are talking about wormcock Gunter, so anything is possible.

    True. Probably best not to think too much about it.

  211. troy macgregor
    August 10th, 2011 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: “If Chutney continues dating that guy then it means one less out of six usual, decrepit, threadbare story arc topics Ray Billingsley can lazily turn to, erm, I mean it upsets the natural order of things!”

  212. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @Josh (#196): Josh! How could you do this to me? My eyes — my eyes. They burn.

    Even worse is that I followed links to other Luann PSAs. They seem designed to actually force readers to do exactly the opposite to what the message is supposed to be. It did, however, motivate me to finally write about How I came to do marijuana.

    Of course, that might not be a good thing, either.

  213. brendancalling
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#134):

    is it wrong that every time i see the character of Rosa, I want to hear her voice as a Speedy Gonzalez, but even MORE offensive?

    I gotta say, it makes the strip that much better.

  214. Sgt. Stoned
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    MT: Hey, Disco Johnny. Love those new haircuts! Love that polyester!

    BB: Speaking of “packages”, is that what Dr. Bonkus “studies” on the guys when Miss Buxley walks past?

    MW: “We were happy and didn’t know any other way to be…until one day for dessert Mom served us a pie she baked filled with what she said was fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

  215. brendancalling
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

  216. Orinoco
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    I think the soul-sucking demon in Mary Worth is losing its ability to to maintain human from, if her face in the first panel is anything to go by.

  217. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#201): “Prince Valiant, crusading knight, died Tuesday of natural causes. He was 896.” (More or less what it said. I think it was written by Gary Belkin, a genius who didn’t write nearly enough for MAD.)

  218. commodorejohn
    August 10th, 2011 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#217): I know picking at historical accuracy in either MAD or Prince Valiant is a bit pointless, but I’m pretty sure the strip is set well before the First Crusade in 1095…hell, that was only shortly before the whole Arthurian shebang got kick-started as pseudo-historical folk-legend by Geoffrey of Monmouth.

  219. Droopy Says
    August 11th, 2011 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman: Spiderass forgot that he’s perched on the back of a speeding car? And he had to remind himself of where he was? Somebody hit him over the head again, because he’s a few bricks shy of a full hod. And someone had better tell Stan Lee that getaway cars decelerate when you take your foot off the gas.

    Phantom: A man can get shot and not die, and you know what? The universe was still created in the Big Bang, and the Earth still orbits the Sun. Now what will E. Queasy do if he steps outside and finds the Phantom lying dead in the bushes? Time to reconsider that whole General Relativity thing!

    Family Circus: Next, Dolly may realize that apes did better when they came down from the trees. And thus will she be burned at the stake for her incipient Darwinism.

    Of course Coach Flabby has to interrupt. Things can’t be allowed to go well in the Funkyverse!

    Crankshat: This is the third time Cranky has transplanted that tree today? And we weren’t shown the first two times? How much longer can Batiuk maintain this reckless new pace?

    Mock Trail: Do I want to know how you catch geese with fishing poles? And why you should look for the goose-bander along a flyway, instead of at some place where geese land? Or is my concept of mystery-solving too Euclidean for the Trailiverse?

  220. bats :[
    August 11th, 2011 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    And speaking of MAD magazine, Scenes We’d Like to See

  221. Droopy Says
    August 11th, 2011 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#220): Yes! Yes!

  222. Comcis Fan
    August 11th, 2011 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    MW: But I found out that Bobby Black was my dad’s lovechild and my half-brother so I could never love him in that way? But Bobby Black threw his basketball to my dad and in a freak accident my dad jumped for the ball and hit his head and died? But Bobby’s tart of a sister, Jill, seduced my dad and wrecked our happy family and I could never be with Bobby in that way, even though I love him to this day? But Bobby had a spending problem and went deep into debt before his 13th birthday and my dad refused to let me see him, and Bobby and I ran off together and my dad was so upset he had a heart attack and died?

  223. Poteet
    August 11th, 2011 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    MW — I see this family is on the Teeny Table, Teeny Dishes, And Barely Any Food Diet. If they’re also on some harmless drug that keeps them cheery while they slim down, I hope the details are on the Internets somewhere.

  224. bats :[
    August 11th, 2011 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    And speaking of MAD magazine, Scenes We’d Like to See

  225. Poteet
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    MT — I’ve actually just been trying to think of some way that randomly fastening gold bands with Bible verses on geese would make any sense at all in any way whatsoever. I have failed. Time for bed.

  226. Poteet
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:08 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#225): Pausing briefly to whimper softly because the STEVE CANYON site doesn’t seem to be posting STEVE CANYON strips anymore. *sniff*

  227. Sisi
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#203): MW: Good one, made me snort. One quibble: the tip of the little finger only is cut off for the first killing, equivalent of becoming a “made man” in the Mafia. My suggestion is that the parents are hibakusha (Hiroshima/Nagasaki survivors/descendants) which would explain their child’s physical peculiarities. It is a huge stigma, and as many believe they should never marry or have children because of the genetic damage, these people generally only marry into other hibakusha families. The 66th anniversaries of the bombings were August 6 and August 9. But that would actually make sense…

    JP: I was a mildly-Asperger’s teenage girl, and as a matter of fact my researches led me to believe that I could sort my romantic problems with ceremonial magic: bell, book and candle, large cat. Seemed to work pretty well, too. Eventually I figured out the real secret of my success was that I had the figure of the young Liz Taylor, which as noted above will do the job for Sophie, too.

    MT: Biblical gold bands on geese: Cthulhu have mercy, it’s some sort of goose polygamist cult! Let the punchings begin!

  228. Maggie the Cat
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:21 am [Reply]

    A3G- Called it! (LuAnn’s solo soft-porn scene)

  229. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    @Sisi (#227): Re. JP: Worked for Kim Novak the same way in Bell, Book and Candle.

  230. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#229): Yeppers. Not so much as a shoulder in sight.

  231. ElkMeadow
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    Sophie’s just ticked that Mauve, Valeta and Karen didn’t stop by to pick her up, so she didn’t get to play. Either that, or Mudhen didn’t want to play with her, either.

    As for the people getting in the way of Draco and Val’s fight, there is that nasty loophole in “a fight to the death,” as it doesn’t specify whose death or how many: by-standers and audience are not excluded.

  232. ElkMeadow
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    Drat. Should have used a semicolon.

  233. bats :[
    August 11th, 2011 at 2:38 am [Reply]

    And….speaking of MAD magazine, Scenes We’d Like to See

  234. Dajagr
    August 11th, 2011 at 3:44 am [Reply]

    I have to wonder how old Jim Meddick thinks Monty is. His latest arc has a young Monty, in a spoof of Calvin and Hobbes, waxing rhapsodic to his stuffed(?) weasel Hume about his “Deep Space 9″ trading cards.

    So, from what I can tell, the cards came out around 1993. Young Monty looks to be about 6. So, he must have been born around 1987, which would put him about 24 now. Doesn’t Monty seem more in his 30s? Or am I way overanalyzing this?

  235. Droopy Says
    August 11th, 2011 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#233): Where did the Elimus get that Keane Family pennant?

  236. Steve the Pocket
    August 11th, 2011 at 5:01 am [Reply]

    @Sisi (#227): I thought “bell, book and candle” was what priests used to excommunicate people. …I don’t know what to believe anymore. *Groucho voice* Which funnily enough is the reason I was excommunicated.

  237. Jimbo
    August 11th, 2011 at 6:02 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail–The golden bird leg band of Madame Malotte’s has a Bible verse on it too! Now we’re onto something!

    “Alright! I found a lead! Now I get to go to Brokeback Mountain with my friend, Johnny Malotte, and I don’t have to hang around here with Cherry and Rusty anymore. The two days I have spent with them since returning from John Thrasher’s cave in the Rough Country have been just intolerable. ‘Fix this,’ ‘Do that,’ ‘Take out the garbage…’ God, what’s next? I thought I might even have to kiss Cherry a couple of times. Hopefully, the megabeavers won’t incorporate my house into their dam while I’m gone.”

  238. John C Fremont
    August 11th, 2011 at 6:50 am [Reply]

    Dear Woody Wilson,

    Please don’t tell Graham Nolan that Kelly is only supposed to be 14. I’m enjoying this way too much. Please don’t judge me.

    Yours, etc.

    MW – Gina’s family has a picture of Johnny Malotte on the wall.

    GT – Kenny’s following a giant arrow. What is this, Mary Worth?

    “The members have noticed, Gil. Hurr, hurr, hurr! We’re just about done with him. Ever notice that I look like The Skipper? Gil? Gil-ligan? Get it, little buddy? Where the hell’s my bourbon?”

  239. gleeb
    August 11th, 2011 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: Dementia and misery. No wonder he’s slugging back the hemlock.

    Mary: Bobby Black was killed in a drive-by shooting, causing her to abandon her home and look for his killers.

  240. Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses
    August 11th, 2011 at 7:01 am [Reply]

    So the way I’m reading Baldo is: Baldo’s father walked onto the beach wearing an overcoat (that’s what’s in his hand, right?), his eyes hooded by a seedy broad-brimmed hat. Then he threw open his overcoat, revealing nothing but a speedo underneath. Then he started yelling at a teenaged boy. If I witnessed that, shame wouldn’t even cross my mind; I’d be pretty well occupied with horror.

  241. Kristian
    August 11th, 2011 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal: I know it’s supposed to be an American eagle, but it looks more like an old German Iron Eagle.

    Hi and Lois: Is that a clown action figure? G.I. Bozo?

    Luann: Barnaby Rudge v Ivanhoe? So only high school literature is allowed, then?

    Marmaduke: “Final warning: this is what is left of the last guy.”

    Mary Worth: Eyyy! High five!

    One Big Happy: A wooden leg? Aim high!

    A3G: Either the bathtub is shrinking or Lu Ann is absorbing the water and growing alarmingly. A new world order where Lu Ann is the largest? Lu Ann smash Margo? Tune in next time.

    Baldo: Somehow the bikini wymyn are both attactive and hideously deformed. Now that’s some skilled drawing!

    B.C.: Female ants, amirite!

    Born Loser: Isn’t that pretty much the case with any food, that you can eat it in less time than it takes to prepare?

    Dennis the Menace: “Nerves,” Dennis. Plural. Other than that, menacing. Irukandji Syndroms is no joke.

  242. terrapin
    August 11th, 2011 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#220): That made my day!

  243. Anonymous
    August 11th, 2011 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    But what about the dryer Josh? What about the DRYER?

  244. Kristian
    August 11th, 2011 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#220): Beautiful stuff. Many thanks indeed.

  245. ArchieNemesis
    August 11th, 2011 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    Finally, an appropriate use of the “goggle-eyed look of horror” in Shoe.

  246. Just some guy
    August 12th, 2011 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    I like how in Mary Worth they have a vase of flowers, underneath a picture of the very same flowers.

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