The Comics Curmudgeon

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YOU WILL OBEY THE ’SHAFT

Crankshaft, 5/21/07

Since a Crankshaft is a Funky Winkerbean sister strip, talk of death ought to make any character within earshot worry that they’re next in line for a demise that is both informative (to the reader) and agonizing (to the character … and, OK, also to the reader). The hilarious switcharoo in the final panel shows that the ’Shaft has not in fact worn his omnipresent baseball cap to yet another funeral, but is merely continuing his reign of terror over the cowed ladies of the Garden Club. To be honest I’ve never really understood his svengali-like hold over these innocent horticulture enthusiasts; there has to be some sort of cult-like angle to it. I wouldn’t be surprised if his next Garden Club speech starts very similarly to the one we see here, but ends instead at a table set with lots of little Dixie cups full of Kool-Aid.

Blondie, 5/21/07

Dagwood Bumstead — overeater, oversleeper, underachiever, tool moocher, intellectual soul mate to middle-schooler Elmo — has never been particularly troubled by shame. Thus his sudden look of mingled guilt and confusion in the final panel of this strip must indicate that his dream — with its “cherries the size of bowling balls” — got very, very weird indeed. Good taste, and our own peace of mind, must preclude us from contemplating the matter further.

Hi and Lois, 5/21/07

I’d blame this on another wacky coloring sweatshop mix-up, but the rug looks like this in black and white, too. There are only two reasons to have an inky black wall-to-wall carpet: to remind you of the dark abyss of Death that will one day open up and swallow your soul (and the Flagstons don’t seem like the type) or to absorb any and all liquids you might care to spill onto it without show visible stains. There’s a reason that they leave Trixie sitting in front of that window for 20 hours a day.

Mark Trail, 5/21/07

Oh, Mark, Mark, Mark. You’re so eager to impress your chesty little friend that you’ve blown the cover off of your journalistic M.O. “Take a boring story from three years ago that nobody remembers, replace a few paragraphs with updated information, and … ka-CHING! Another fat paycheck, plus a free trip away from my Stepford Wife and freaky gap-toothed big-headed not-son!”

I’m pretty sure that panel two offers the first look at a dangling mouse corpse with its head half-masticated to ever appear in the comics pages.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 21, 2007 at 05:05 pm and is filed under Blondie, Crankshaft, Hi and Lois, Mark Trail.

247 responses to “YOU WILL OBEY THE ’SHAFT”

Gabe
May 21st, 2007 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

Well, PBS did have a half eaten zebra appear mid-mastication.
Mountain Mama
May 21st, 2007 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

Wow, MT didn’t make my headache go away, but that owl flying with its prey is cool.

Meanwhile, Lu Ann, STILL slumbers/bleeds/leaks oil to death. Get on with it!!!!
zen velo
May 21st, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

I thought that was a piglet hangng from the mouth of the giant owl.

and isn’t “Lost Forest” code for finding Hansel and Gretel and other children? Miss Melons is asking why Mark has a sudden interest in post-pubesecent women.
Dean Booth
May 21st, 2007 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

9CL: Sorry, I couldn’t resist: Edda’s Job (not quite SFW).
tt
May 21st, 2007 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

That’s no ordinary garden club. Pretty soon we’ll be hearing “Ed Crankshaft is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.”
Rusty
May 21st, 2007 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

Every little old lady in Crankshaftville already knows not to put out their tender vegetation untli after Memorial Day. Why are they paying attention to this master of the obvious? He’s the only functioning male in the over 70 demographic in town. The one-eyed man will rule over the kingdom of the blind, as it were.

Meanwhile, is that Kelly-Welly sporting the sweater meat?
Zamboni_Rodeo
May 21st, 2007 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

(DT)GT: Milford’s pitching ace looks about 30 years older than her mom in panel two.

Drabble: Today’s exciting episode seeks to prove Josh’s theory that “HIGH TECHNOLOGY=COMEDY GOLD” and comes up short. Whether it fails because it doesn’t relate directly to the internets or simply because Drabble is a hideously mundane and consistently unfunny piece of drek is up for debate. However, I always pictured Mama Drabble as being more of a Perry Como fan.

(THTI)FOOB: It seems to me Ape-will is looking at the basement angle all wrong. If she gets it fixed up properly, she’ll be able to go roadside with Gerald down there every night, and Ma and Pa Foob will never be any the wiser.
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
May 21st, 2007 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

More library humor!
Sporadic Andy
May 21st, 2007 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

Who is the attractive young blonde girl in what appears to be some form of acid trip inspired tanktop in the last panel of Crankshaft? I’m a little concerned as to what form of gardening she brings to the club.
Johnny Cat
May 21st, 2007 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

I saw Sunday’s Get Fuzzy and was so impressed that they finally got back to constructing an intelligent joke, I laughed so hard I knocked the full cup of coffee right off the armrest of my La-Z-Boy. Thank goodness for ebony carpet.
Ukulele Ike
May 21st, 2007 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

I see Crankshaft and the Ladies’ Gardening Club as a sort of modern-day Aleister Crowley and the Abbey of Thelema at Cefalu — mixed with Wicker Man-style paganism.

When he wants to raise the crop yields he performs Sex Magick with the two cute young ones…the tall blonde in the pink and the brunette in the lavender.
Scud
May 21st, 2007 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

Damn Slylock is ruthlessly unethical today. That move is going to get his buddy at the radio staion fired, get the station fined by the FCC, and ruin its journalistic integrity. Stepping over all those people just to catch a two bit hood like Reeky Rat.
Jack Drake
May 21st, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

FooB: The Pattersons have apparently been taking remodling instructions from Porn-stache… soon all the younger Patterson sisters will have something in common – a basement cell with bars on the windows
–JD
evie oh oh
May 21st, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

MT: “most of my stories are interesting, like this one” This story is very interesting. My absurd love of nature is shared by many. These articles are a thrill to read. These birds will have you on the edge of your seats. I’m interesting, i really am. Why don’t you believe me… stop looking at that owl.

On another note, it looks like the FOOBs have moved back to their mind numbing (redundant?) real estate discussion, crushing my hope that Jim’s aphasia would lead him into a jumbled treasure trove of words left over from his visit to prostitutes during the Korean war.
zeeba
May 21st, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

JP:
Please forgive if I’m repeating someone’s comment from the weekend (I did read today’s posts, but not Sat/Sun). Abbey has got to be the stupidest millionaire EVAH!! She thinks nothing of writing a PERSONAL CHECK for $2 mil + change. Does Roger Mullet Head give her a receipt or a contract, or even more importantly, a DEED to this flat she’s supposedly bought?? OMG, she’s married to a lawyer, has she not been paying attention all these years??? Methinks she’s thinking (as well as talking) with her boobies and not her brain.
Rusty
May 21st, 2007 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

9CL: Mceldowney can’t even draw his favorite little lust object without simian features. Every time he gets a shot at drawing a cartoonishy but human profile, he just draws that dopey chinless wonder.
American Idle
May 21st, 2007 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

#7 Z_R: Drabble? Dreck!?! I only wish we had Drabble in the Idaho Statesman! We are subjected instead to an inked abomination SO BAD (and probably in so few newspapers) it never even gets mentioned here: “LOLA”. Drabble is high art in comparison

The only remotely comprehensible reason Lola is published here is because a co-perpetrator of it lives somewhere near Boise.

How that poorly-drawn, insipidly-scripted serial scrawl ever got syndicated, I’ll never be able to fathom.

And get this – they stick “Shoe” back in the Want-ads with FC and DtM.

My wife says, “Boise is such a wonderful place, too bad it doesn’t have a real newspaper”
Bullfrog
May 21st, 2007 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

I’m very confused by the knowledge that Lois evidently went to a SUNY school.
Jamus The Bartender
May 21st, 2007 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

FOOB: I would have thought April would be into the dungeon thing…
Laura c
May 21st, 2007 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

Where does Crankshaft live, Alaska? That’s some short growing season if you can’t set your plants out ’til Memorial Day.
Ubiq
May 21st, 2007 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

I think this is a fairly close approximation of how Crankshaft joined that gardening club. Such an scenario would also explain why his neighbor hasn’t attempted a rebellion as of yet, despite her obvious loathing of Crankshaft.

There are a few, minor differences between the two scenarios though; gardening shears instead of magic, little old ladies instead of hobgoblins, and a horrible, soulless monster following the commands of a disembodied voice instead of a goblin named Redcloak.
BigTed
May 21st, 2007 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

The “black” theme in Hi and Lois seems to extend to Hi’s slacks and Lois’ T-shirt (she went to SUNY?). Since neither of them is nearly hip enough to wear black by choice, I think the colorist must just have been having a very, very dark day.

On the bright side, pitch-black coffee on a black rug? No problem!
Steve S
May 21st, 2007 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

Dagwood is disturbed by the fact that he had a sex dream about Blondie. They’ve never done it–just look at their children, who are creepily identical to them. Clearly the Bumsteads reproduce via mitosis, possibly by releasing a cloud of spores.
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 21st, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

Thanks, Dean Booth. And everyone else. I’m turning in very early today…
Hero120499
May 21st, 2007 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

“I wouldnâ€™t be surprised if [Crankshaft's] next Garden Club speech starts very similarly to the one we see here, but ends instead at a table set with lots of little Dixie cups full of Kool-Aid.”

Either that or he will end up alone and in a hall full of colobus monkeys in little blue and grey doughboy uniforms which he has forced to enact the Battle of Gettysburg because he’s gone made with power, “Like that Albert Schweitzer guy!”

Up next on the ‘Shaft: The formation by the gentle ladies of the garden club of “The Ancient Mystic Society of No Crankshafts”
Steve S
May 21st, 2007 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

“Many of my stories take me away from home, and like this one, most of them are interesting.”

Only interesting to you and a lady who thinks “Why did you leave Lost Forest to do a story on birds around airports?” is an A+ come-on, Mark.
BigTed
May 21st, 2007 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

Today’s “9 Chickweed Lane”: Okay, it’s a unicorn. With a lo-o-o-ong horn. Ick.
AndreaD and the Grandstanding Oddballs
May 21st, 2007 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

#7 – Seriously, though. My sister took over the basement when she was 15 or so, and I’m pretty sure she got away with more than I ever dreamed of.
flotsam
May 21st, 2007 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail – Having been attacked twice by an owl, albeit in rapid succession, I can’t help but feel a sullen kinship to this poor rodent. Those things are bloodthirsty.

Blondie – Notice how Daisy, in the third panel, found this comment disturbing enough to rouse her from a nap.
Harry Paratestes
May 21st, 2007 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

MT: That’s actually the corpse of a North American Elk, about 1200 pounds or so, being carried by Mothra’s cousin, Owlra.
#23 Steve S
For a moment I thought your post read “Clearly the Bumsteads reproduce via halitosis , possibly by releasing a cloud of spores.” I was seriously disturbed for a few moments, perhaps because I realized that it could be true.
Lammergeier13
May 21st, 2007 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

#4: This would only be really good if we saw the end of the spire jutting through Edda’s skull. And maybe put in a bit of blood
Darkefang
May 21st, 2007 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

DT: This is the first strip in a month with no mention of a doorknob. Does that mean there’s something interesting in store for the readers? Or are we going to laugh, cry and learn along with Dick as he learns to live with his horribly mangled hands?

FW: Poor Darin. So young and yet so riddled with cancer.

GT: Milford kids must have ice water in their veins if they can play their softball game despite the imminent theft of their souls by shadow people.

H&L: Hi and his coffee spills are the reason why they got asphalt carpeting in the first place.

JP: Abbey really needs to lay off the hair dye for a while. Her hair glows in the dark. And wearing the glow-in-the-dark bra is turning out to have been a poor decision. Do the Parkers live near Three-Mile Island?

MT: “Many of my stories take me away from home, and like this one, most of them are interesting.” Apparently Mark is channeling Ernest Hemingway in an attempt to get laid. Sorry Cherry.

MW: It was nice of Von to space the words of his letter so that they fit nicely into the corner of a comic strip panel.

Phantom: Hey Dad, you are in the middle of the ocean and you’re tied up in the bottom of the boat. Maybe you don’t want to piss off the guys with the guns.
Dean Booth
May 21st, 2007 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

MT: Mark’s Fantasy (SFW — of course, it’s Mark).
Anitsirc
May 21st, 2007 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

The only thing more disturbing than Dagwood admitting he has blatantly homosexual fantasies involving enormous cherries is the fact that Blondie’s breasts are always so damn perky. Always.
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 21st, 2007 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

Iâ€™m pretty sure that panel two offers the first look at a dangling mouse corpse with its head half-masticated to ever appear in the comics pages.

You sure? I could have sworn there was a 3G where Margo was feeling a little peckish…
felix
May 21st, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

I wouldn’t be so quick to state that this is the first instance of a dangling mouse corpse to appear in the comics pages…Have you thoroughly checked the Slylock Fox maze or ’spot the differences’ feature archives? The significance of this appearance in Mark Trail is that the mouse isn’t smiling, or wearing a hat.
Poteet
May 21st, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

MT — To me, the prey animal in the second panel looks more like a vole than a mouse. I wouldn’t mind encountering any of the animals I’ve seen in MT so far, at least briefly. But Mark’s expression in the third panel…brrrr. The last time I saw a smile like that, it was on the face of a guy in a convenience store trying to chat me up by telling me that he had a spaceship waiting outside, and I’m pretty sure he was serious.
Gabe
May 21st, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

I think it would be a more interesting strip if Lois had a attended a Sunni school.
gnome de blog
May 21st, 2007 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

#13 Jack Drake:
You have my vote for Comment of the Week, sir. Not that I have one.

#17 American Idle:
Years ago when I lived in Pocatello I used to go to the library to read the Statesman because it was so much better than the Idaho State Urinal.

#32 Darkefang:
I actually know somebody with Abbey’s exact hair color. Not only that, she was re-elected to public office last November.

Sorta makes the comics seem slightly less surreal and spooky.
wasoe
May 21st, 2007 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

How did it happen that a Mark Trail owl managed to kill a mouse without getting caught? I’m pretty sure Mark’s animal danger siren should’ve been going off like all get-out.
Joe Bftsplk
May 21st, 2007 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

I’m calling that dream a Blondie Sundae – cherries atop two enormous scoops of vanilla, and a cookie alongside.

“Mark, why did you leave Lost Forest to do a story on birds around airports?”
“Many of my stories on birds around airports take me away from home, and like this one about birds around airports, most of them are interesting! I did a story about birds around airports several years ago… I’m mainly just updating the information about birds around airports!”
“I hope you find that it’s improving, the birds around airports I mean. Birds around airports!”

Mark is working on a story about birds around airports.
Missy
May 21st, 2007 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

I’m having a real problem with Mark Trail. He says most of his stories are interesting which means, by his own low standards, some are not. Much like, “Can God make a rock so heavy that not even he could lift it” the concept of a story so uninteresting that even Mark Trail calls it boring is a paradox that experts in the field of logic, and college students high on pot, will debate for the forseeable future.
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
May 21st, 2007 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

9CL: Everyone knows that unicorns don’t have a pair of hooves, they have two pair. What Edda’s dealing with here is, clearly, a narwhal in a satyr suit. More information about narwhals can be found in MT, and probably Lio.

A3G: I think we all know how this plotline is going to end — Margo is going to walk in, kick Lu Ann in the ribs and say, “C’mon, you’ve milked this long enough. It’s over. Get up. I got plotlines to do.” A chagrined Lu Ann will be forced to open her eyes and slink off panel, daubing the stage blood from her forehead with a paint-stained rag, ending the story arc without a peep of protest.

Speaking of which, Lu Ann’s inertia, like the inertia of her plotline, has reached epic proportions. In the interest of equal time for the female Curminions, I think there should be a Oil-Leakin’ Lu Ann Lookalike Contest, if Josh ever gets around to concluding the fershlugginer Self-Clubbing Tyler Lookalike Contest.

DT: Dick Tracy has a two-way wrist computer, and Lt. Teevo is still printing out his messages with a dot-matrix printer on fanfold paper? Some communications specialist.

F-: Worst. Excuse. For an Orgy. EVAR. Pretty piss-poor excuse for a comic strip, too.

SS: “Reckymember”? “RECKYMEMBER”?! I think we’ve discovered the root cause of rural Appalachian poverty. It’s stupidity.

ZtP: Hey, what’s that I see? Is it an invisible justification for this strip’s continued existence? Nope, I was wrong. It was nothing.
Weasel Boy
May 21st, 2007 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

Mark, you’re losing her with all that birds-around-airports talk! Tell her about that giant hot fudge sundae dream you had.
NotThatGuy
May 21st, 2007 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

#37, Poteet:

The last time I saw a smile like that, it was on the face of a guy in a convenience store trying to chat me up by telling me that he had a spaceship waiting outside, and Iâ€™m pretty sure he was serious.

I can’t believe you had an opportunity for a ride in a spaceship and passed it up.
Mibbitmaker
May 21st, 2007 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

MT: If this story is one Trail finds fascinating, I’d really hate to read most of his other stories! I sure hope the others took place off-strip.

H&L: Real reason for the black floor: Chance Browne suddenly gets a realizarion….. “Hey, waitaminute!… You mean, they actually colorize daily comic strips now?!!”

A3G: If LuAnn bleeds like she is for too long (and you know she will!), she’ll have a black floor just like the Flagstons.

FC: Talk about racial discrimination: Little gray people don’t even get coverings for their buses!

FOOB: If they were going to make April live in the attic instead of the basement, she could have thoughts of being Ignatz mouse stuck in Offisa Pupp’s Jailhouse… if the giant Owl from MT doesn’t grab her up for dinner first!
Len
May 21st, 2007 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

“Iâ€™m pretty sure that panel two [of Mark Trail] offers the first look at a dangling mouse corpse with its head half-masticated to ever appear in the comics pages.]

Sadly, the colorists did not paint him bilious yellow and show his little bowler hat falling to the ground. Slylock Fox wonders which predator has done away with his crime-fighting partner, Max…

Oh, if only!
Torin
May 21st, 2007 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

This site has been one of the greatest I have ever come across on the internet. Who knew that I’d actually laugh at Mary Worth and Apartment 3-G (keyword: at, and not with.) Also, the phrase “Trailian fisticuffs” is one of my new all-time faves.

And if you’ve never visited the Nietzche Family Circus site, please do. There’s something truly mind shattering about Jeffy advising PJ not to stare to long into the abyss, lest the abyss stare back into him.
Torin
May 21st, 2007 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

This site has been one of the greatest I have ever come across on the internet. Who knew that I’d actually laugh at Mary Worth and Apartment 3-G (keyword: at, and not with.) Also, the phrase “Trailian fisticuffs” is one of my new all-time faves.

And if you’ve never visited the Nietzche Family Circus site, please do. There’s something truly mind shattering about Jeffy advising PJ not to stare to long into the abyss, lest the abyss stare back into him.
http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/
queek
May 21st, 2007 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

21: hail fellow fan of the OotS!
Frank Parsnip
May 21st, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

The ladies serve as a keen and living testament to the power of actuarial statistics favoring women. At that lonely age, about half of them would do anything for “bragging rights” of being able to claim Crankshaft (last old man standing) is their “boyfriend” on the rare occasions when their kids come to visit. The other half forgets that Crankshaft is a sourpuss and listens to his every word with rapt attention. All of them can’t see that Crankshaft’s garden consists of cheap plastic and silk plants bought at garage sales around town.
Galactic Emperor ChennuxÂ©â„¢Â®
May 21st, 2007 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

ATTENTION EARTHERS! CLENCH YOUR WRINKLES OF AGE AND GET 20 YEARS YOUNGER! CHENNUX SPEAKS!

TO THE ONE CALLED #45 NOTTHATGUY! POTEET HAS BEEN KNOWN TO RIDE THE OCCASIONAL SPACESHIP, BUT NOT FROM THAT FLEET! CHENNUX DOES NOT DO CONVENIENCE STORES! CHENNUX IS NOT ABOUT CONVENIENCE! CHENNUX IS ABOUT MAGMACANNONS! POTEET IS SPECIAL TO THE GALACTIC EMPEROR! SHE KNOWS ALL ABOUT THE SYRUP DANCE! HAHA!

IN THE MEANTIME, A3G’S LU ANN IS LEAKING COOLANT! JUST PAINT SOME GRANNIX PHLEGM OVER THE RUPTURE AND SHE’LL BE FINE! OR AS FINE AS A RAVINGLY WEIRD PSYCHOWEIRDO CAN BE, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES! HAHA!

END TRANSMISSON!
mock robster
May 21st, 2007 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

If Jack Elrod wrote film noir dialog:

Vivian: Speaking of birds, I like to watch them myself. But I like to see them flutter around a little first, see if they’re early birds or late risers, find out what their whole song is, what makes them strike.
Marlowe: Find out mine?
Vivian: I think so.
Marlowe: Go ahead.
Vivian: I’d say you don’t like to be watched. You like to get up early, eat a little worm, sing a little song at sunrise, and then strike.
Marlowe: You don’t like to be watched yourself.
Vivian: I haven’t met anyone yet that rises early enough. Any suggestions?
Marlowe: Well, I can’t tell till I’ve seen you over a fresh worm. You’ve got a touch of class, but I don’t know how, how far you can yank it.
Vivian: A lot depends on who’s watching my tail.
Galactic Emperor ChennuxÂ©â„¢Â®
May 21st, 2007 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

I MEANT ‘END TRANSMISSION,’ MELKARDAMMIT! HAH….AW, NUTS!
anon
May 21st, 2007 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

#20 (Laura) – re: growing seasons – I walked outside yesterday morning only to find snow falling, and I’m NOT in Alaska. Come to think of it, though, I’m not sure there’s that much difference between Minnesota and Alaska. Still, there’s now way I’d actually set any plants out before Memorial Day!
Bob
May 21st, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

I think the moral of Hi and Lois isn’t “Don’t drink coffee in the living room”, but “Use a god damn table to hold your drink instead of a round, poofy armrest”.
Buck Ripsnort
May 21st, 2007 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

#29–Flotsam, was it the same owl two times, or two different owls? If more than one owl attacks you, change your aftershave.
The Avocado Avenger
May 21st, 2007 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

#21 Did somebody say Redcloak? Ah, I love OOtS, more than I should. My only complaint is that Rich’s hobbos are all a single cut ‘n’ pasted image, and when there’s 2,000 of them, it looks bad. Mix it up, cut ‘n’ paste 4 slightly different images, Rich. It’ll be grand.

A3G/MT – So, anyone else think the huge eagle in Mark Trail is the help that Gabriella is asking for?
Buck Ripsnort
May 21st, 2007 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

“And then it got weird.”– Dagwood wakes up to find hot fudge in his pajama pants.

“And then it got weird.”– Dagwood dreams of eating giant marshmallows, and wakes to find his pillow gone.

“And then it got weird.”– Dagwood dreams of his genitals replaced by sandwich meats, and wakes up eating himself.
The Photocopiest
May 21st, 2007 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

“Mark, why did you decide to do a story on birds at airports? And how can it involve me bent over this desk, dressed like a naughty French maid?”
Dorianne
May 21st, 2007 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

I want to know where Brooke McEldowney gets his weed.
King Folderol
May 21st, 2007 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

I’m sure this has been done before, but I cannot resist:

Who’s the crotchety bus driving dude
Who gives the gardening club women attitude?
(crank)SHAFT!
Ya damn right!

Who is the man who wears Depends
Like that diaper’s his only friend?
(crank)SHAFT!
Can you dig it?

Who’s the cat that just complains
About his old man aches and pains?
(crank)SHAFT!
Right On!

They say this cat Shaft is older than the hills..
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I’m talkin’ ’bout (crank)Shaft.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!

He’s a bitter, sad old man
And no one understands him, especially his gardening club women!
CRANKSHAFT!
Derelict
May 21st, 2007 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

From the angle in the last panel, Ms. Hill looks an awful lot like our hero Mark Trail. Could she be his long-lost sister? And will she slowly recoil in horror when, after they realize their blood relationship, Mark take her to LoFo to meet his “family?” As we know, the Trail family is more repulsive than even a giant owl pellet.
King Folderol
May 21st, 2007 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

Blondie – I’m assuming by “weird” Dagwood means “sexual”, since Dag hasn’t displayed an ounce of sexual interest toward his hot spouse since 1973.

H&L – I find it interesting to know that Lois went to SUNY. There are several State University of New York campuses, but Lois apparently just went to “SUNY”.

MT – “Why did I leave Lost Forest? Because I’ve punched out most of the inhabitants of Lost Forest and I need new people to hit with my fists.”
SecretMargo
May 21st, 2007 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

53: Beautiful pastiche. And about 6000 times sexier than anything Mark could ever say, think, or feel. Well done.

Speaking of pastiche: How icky is it to watch Batiuk do a dry-run for the speeches that’ll be given later on at Lisa’s funeral in his “funny” strip? Be on the lookout when the time comes for that exact dialogue to be coming out of some unlucky survivor’s mouth in a few month’s time.

And lastly, re: JP — someone last thread claimed that The Abster was being Br’er Rabbited by her Misdirecting MulletmateÂ® into paying for what she should be just waiting around to inherit, but I’m starting to suspect that the joke may be on him: is she accessing her Puppy Power and flushing out the scoundrel with a bad check and a Bouncing Ballet of Bimbo-y Balderdash? Why else would she run to Rachel’s Comforting Darkness after she handed over the blithely bloated bill of sale?

And I am also waiting for Suddenly Cedric of the first act to go off in the third, and not just because I’m kind of perverted that way. Although, mostly that (more punque bondage, mule!)

Thoughts?
Tomcat
May 21st, 2007 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

Luann- Ugh, anyone feel like we were already here not too long ago? Luann is just too slutty to figure out that Ben does not want her pussy!
The Senryu Snarker
May 21st, 2007 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

Calgarians know:
Don’t plant before May two-four.
It snowed hard today.
Poteet
May 21st, 2007 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

# 45 — NotThatGuy, you make an interesting point. Unfortunately, this guy gave off creepy vibrations so strong that they rattled the beer cans. Whatever planet he was from, I decided to give it a pass.

# 52 — Your Imperial Gloriousness, how nice of you. You are very special to me also — syrup dancing has that effect. And you definitely haven’t missed much by avoiding Earth convenience stores.
Poteet
May 21st, 2007 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

# 15 — Yeah, zeeba, I agree. I am still bitter from seeing the Ginormous Blue Eye of the Moondoozi carelessly tossed about by the idiots in DT, and now I get to see a two-million check being casually written by someone who apparently has even less going on under her red mullet than I thought. In the comic world, the rich really are different than you and me. They are much stupider.
Citric
May 21st, 2007 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

40: Wasoe, Mark Trail’s animal danger siren is overruled by the standard male Glorious Sweaterpuppies Alert System.
Poteet
May 21st, 2007 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

# 62 — BWAHAHA! Thanks, King.
Power of 1000 Lemons
May 21st, 2007 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

Wait, wait, wait, hang on a second here… Mark Trail is a journalist??? I guess he must have attended the Tintin School of Journalism, where you’re only a reporter for long enough to find someone who requires a good punching, and then all pretense drops.
Christian
May 21st, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft is both my hero and a prediction of how I will be in my late years
Devin McCullen
May 21st, 2007 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

Iâ€™m pretty sure that panel two offers the first look at a dangling mouse corpse with its head half-masticated to ever appear in the comics pages.

Don’t give Pastis ideas.
Squeak
May 21st, 2007 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

“Blah blah blah birds around airports blah blah birds around airports blah blah blah blah….”

“Who cares? I can speak out of my nose. Now, that’s interesting!”
Harold
May 21st, 2007 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

Poteet, did the guy have a covered birdcage on his shoulder and call himself “Phil”?

Monday’s snark:

April realizes that she can guilt her FOOBean parents into plenty of privacy in her private basement apartment. Right now she’s fantasizing about playing “Military Dictator and the Innocent Peace Corps Volunteer” with Gerald. Or possibly Anthony.

I don’t think Judge Parker is focusing nearly enough on Abbey’s breasts. She’s headless in one panel and faceless in another.

Did TDIET take a sharp turn into darkness and marital discord today? I hope all those “you never clean up your damned office” arguments he’s been writing about haven’t developed into something worse.
Spotted HÃ˜rse
May 21st, 2007 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

#33 Dean Booth: Why, Mark Trail’s fantasy is so… sweet! It reminds me of Rex Harrison astride the giant moth at the end of Dr. Doolittle.
Benma
May 21st, 2007 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

Am I the only one that thinks that the so-called “children” in TDIET look eerily like Scaduto himself? Suddenly you realize that this isn’t a “humorous look at human hypocrisy, inconsistencies or quirky twists of fate that beleaguer us all”, it’s at best a journal a one man’s suffering, a sort of nonsensical, one-panel-per-day Maus. At worst it’s a cry for help.
Chat Noir
May 21st, 2007 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

The FOOB slut-sensor didn’t go off till mid-way through the 5/21 strip … April starts out the conversation in a sleeveless belly shirt and ends up in a cardigan by the fourth panel.

I don’t know how to do links, but I get the sense all roads lead to the horror that is FBorFW anyway. Dank, dismal roads.
Keregi
May 21st, 2007 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

A3G: I can’t decide if it is more interesting to watch LuAnn drip oil-like substance from her injured head until she may die????? or watch the car up on blocks in the white-trash person’s yard down the street slowly disintegrate. Basically the same. I’ll watch the car, sometimes something fun happens, like a family of raccoons moves in.
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:01 am [Reply]

# 76 — Sorry, Harold, I’m missing the reference. The answer is “no,” but I’m intrigued.
Aaron T.
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:11 am [Reply]

81 Poteet: Did he say, “Hey doll, is this guy boring you? Why don’t you talk to me instead? I’m from a different planet!”

(That should provide enough Google-fodder to ID Harold’s ref.)
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:23 am [Reply]

# 76 & 82 — Hey, a Zaphod reference! Cool! Thanks, Harold and Aaron. And alas, Mister Convenience-Store Spaceship was no Zaphod.
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:33 am [Reply]

DT — AGAIN with the damn doorknob! And my gawd, the Richard-Nixon-clone hand in the second panel is gruesomely deformed even by DT standards. And look at Dick’s right hand in the first panel — aaaaagh! And yet I’m hooked. Take me away, Dick — at least you distract me from Foob.
Dactyl
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:36 am [Reply]

Just an interesting day in the life of a joshreads reader:
So my husband, who only reads this blog when I point something specific out to him, for some reason tonight started asking me about the “full boat wrestling scholarship” pictures that we posted some time back. Well that led to me talking about the Self-Whacking Tyler look-alike contest, and I was started him the pictures. Here’s a rough transcript of our conversation:
Him (laughing): So who is this guy and what is he doing?
Me: Well, he’s hitting himself in the head with a big stick, I forget why. Something about sports.
Him: Huh?
Me: Well, it’s from this soap opera strip called Gil Thorp. It’s one of the few that I haven’t started reading yet.
Him: Yea, you’ve started reading a log of weird shit because of this blog.
Me: Yea, I know. But I get the impression that even the people who read Gil Thorp every day don’t know what’s going on, so I’ve resisted the urge to start. It seems to be about high school sports.
Him: So this guy is one of the characters?
Me: I guess so, but I haven’t seen him in any of the other strips on the blog – or I don’t think I have. I can’t really tell the characters in the strip apart. These pictures are really funny, though. And look – somebody’s made a little doll that whacks itself in the head. That’s the prize for the best picture. There’s even a video.
[Silence, watching video].
Him: That’s a weird little world you’ve got yourself involved in there, hon.
End conversation.
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:45 am [Reply]

On Tuesday’s comics…

9CL: Edda is not amazed that unicorns exist. She is not amazed that she just met one in, of all places, the city park. She is not amazed that it can talk. No, the thing that has her questioning reality is that it talks without moving its lips. Hey, look, Edda, it’s a flying saucer full of little green aliens. Whaddya know. And… *gasp!* They’re wearing SLACKS!

A3G: Gee, Gabriella, where could you possibly find someone awake in that neighborhood at this time of the night? Where? In God’s name, WHERE?! …Oh. Right behind you.

DT: Exciting message-delivering action in today’s strip! Lt. Teevo has an urgent communique for Dick from the CIA: “Apparently, they want you to keep an eye on this suspicious fellow named Mohammed Atta who’s been taking flying lessons… wait a minute, how long has it been since you cleared your voice mail?”

F-: Someone chip in and help buy this guy a copy of Photoshop. MS Paint just ain’t cutting it.

FBOFW: Folks, don’t be like the Pattersons. Before buying a home, always have it inspected by a certified home inspector. And always remove any gigantic ceramic trees from the yard.

MT: The gigantic talking snowshoe hare that just laid the Jackelrod egg is even funnier if you imagine it has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried.

Popeye: Swee’Pea is still wearing a layette and crawling… yet he runs errands to the store and talks like a cast member of the Sopranos? From which circle of hell springs this nightmare child?

Pluggers: A minute later, the room was strewn with blood and feathers. The chicken lady’s headless corpse gave one last twitch before finally falling still. All was quiet.

BB: …Orville?
SecretMargo
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:57 am [Reply]

84: Poteet — Hey! I kind of liked the FBoFW today — at least it wasn’t grindingly predictable for once. Arbitrary, yes, and a bit pat, but at least I didn’t see it coming. Oh, for a tree to fall on the Rex Morgan boardroom!

And JP: I think this strengthens my “who’s zoomin’ who” analysis of Abbey’s double-breasted subterfuge (see above, #65). Plus: what a great Cancer Awareness Month tie-in message — “With Cancer Comes Candy, With Dementia Comes Diddly-squat.” This narrowly beats out Gil Thorp’s inspiring “Mammograms: Distracting Young Women From Softball Since 1966.”

And who knew that the role of “Rachel” was an opportunity for a sly cameo by the late Hume Cronyn? Yet another reason to believe her.
flinger
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:58 am [Reply]

Oh yes, Mark, your story about birds at airports is very interesting! So very very very interesting! Tell me about the story you did on the expansion of municipal regulatory power of railroad crossings! I’d be heaving with interest!
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:46 am [Reply]

TDIET: Scaduto finally rented a tape of Nashville for his big-screen black and white TV, and he just got to the Julie Christie cameo.

(DT)GT: I don’t claim to know much about baseball, but is there normally someone floating in midair between first and second base? And why do the players need signs? Are they going on strike?

(THTI)FOOB: These plotlines are getting so artificial I’m starting to lose interest. I’m not sure I can hold out until the Fooberdammerung. Unless the other house is set afire by those undisciplined kids and the whole lot of them end up in a homeless shelter.

MW: Vera has a job, an apartment and a car. What’s she whining about? Forget your damn brother and get on with your life!
True Fable
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:33 am [Reply]

MW “Father told me to take care of you.” And boy, did you!
BB Sgt. Snorkel is standing really odd in the second panel, that or he has an extra bone & joint in his leg. I mean besides that one.
DtM Fine pair of nose hairs you got going there, Joey.
Cathy (MustDie) Cinnamon bump? – ANTHONY! You sly dog, you! One child in the basement wasn’t good enough, was it? well, thank you for at least not tormenting us with another mini me me me me me cathy.
Pluggers CREEP. ME. OUT.
TDIET Howcummm – Scaduto only uses modern references in his illustrations in the things HE thinks up? Wha-a-a-a? Oh Ye-e-ea-h.
JP Is that Rachel or Groves? To tell you the truth, it kind of looks like Jason Robards.
FC Why is this strip still running?
No, seriously. It isn’t funny unless you go to the Nietzche Family Circus site. Frankly today’s ~~crap~~ panel is like a toss-off anecdote a proud grandparent would mention to fill in an uncomfortable silence; not something you think to mention on its own merits, but something you babble and then wish you had not. Backwards up! Knee-slapper! Dolly smacker!
MT Even though the ginormous snowshoe hare is apparently behind the plan to get ol’ Buzzard to help, it’s pretty obvious Call Me Sam is still trying her best to break a Trail.
Looks like you’re just going to have to throw him downand mount him, Sam. It took Cherry days to get Mark to get the hint.
True Fable
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:41 am [Reply]

FBoFW Ha! So much for John and Elly’s cute little cottage for two! Now maybe they’ll build a bedroom for April – and one for Jimnuts and Iris Googly-eyes, since they’ll be determined not able to handle their affairs any day now.
I will dance in the middle of my apartment complex parking lot if that happens, and take pictures for you all to see.
willethompson
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:13 am [Reply]

#83 Dactyl: Yes, explaning Self-Whacking Tyler is just one of the little crosses a ‘Mudge must bear. Wearing an M!B!S! shirt evokes lengthy backgrounding to a joke that delivers not a punchline and a sympathetic laugh, but at best a look of bemusement and at worst a slow backing away. I’m frankly surprised that DSS hasn’t tried to place my son in foster care.
Christopher
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:19 am [Reply]

I haven’t read all the comments, but I wanted to register my displeasure with the aforelinked Drabble.

Actually, there’s nothing really wrong with the basic joke, which I actually find fairly cute, but the sentence “I can’t understand why your mother wanted an iPod!” just fills me with rage.

Well, she’s probably having it cook dinner. Why the boxcar do you think she wanted it, dumbass?

Do old people hate music? Do they never leave the house, thus eliminating the need for portable music playing devices?

It’s the kind of thing only the most thickheaded of luddites could say, and the fact that it sounded remotely like natural dialog to the guy who wrote it irritates me rather too much.
Christopher
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:28 am [Reply]

Well, to be fair, I suppose there’s an outside chance the bald guy could’ve meant something along the lines of:

“I don’t know anything about modern technology and don’t understand why an iPod is superior to a CD player”

In which case the son’s answer is idiotic, unhelpful, and unnatural, and I want to punch him instead.

Freakin Baldo, pisses me off more then Mallard Fillmore grumble grumble.
dreadedcandiru2
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:33 am [Reply]

FBoFW: The Tree of Fate has spoken! Sadly John will misinterpret its mighty message to mean “Make your daughter live in a basement”. Hopefully the next Tree has better aim and takes out John, Elly, Mike, Liz and Deanna. (Notice I didn’t include the Antichrist Twins. There’s still hope for them.)
dreadedcandiru2
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:39 am [Reply]

Curtis: What the fucking fuck is WRONG with this kid? He makes an obscene gesture in his class photo ’cause those two hoodlums he tries to impress ’cause he’s pure-D stupid enough to find them impressive DARED him to? Then he says something like ‘Their mothers don’t have a sense of humor’? Is he so fucking DUMB he can’t figure out they were trying to get him into trouble outta sheer malice?
Calico
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:02 am [Reply]

FOOB – Verging ever closer to Funky territory.

MT – Giant urban rabbits can talk too! Wow.
Just stick that thing out on the tarmac to scare birds away permanently.

Zits – I am now going to be on a daily “Saturn Search” in the comics, much as Squid Countess counts calamari. I’ve tracked at least 2 this week.
M!B!S!
willethompson
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:05 am [Reply]

…in today’s installment of THE FOURTH PANEL…

JP: “Yes, getting old happens to all of us…but not to ME.\, for I am a QUEEN! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn, treacherous as the sea, stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair my SWEATERPUPPIES!”

RMMD: “Yes, I’m your MOMMY and your Governess all rolled into one! Now, drop trou, silly English schoolboy! The nanny knows how to deal with little boys who are late to meetings!

# 91 True Fable: Hmm. Photos of the Dancin’ Roopville Kid. Sounds like the next contest…
Lettuce
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:11 am [Reply]

And the Lord did stiffen the heart of Lynn Johnston, who would not let her readers go, and so He set upon her 10 plagues:
1) House fires
2) Strokes
3) Improbable book contracts
4) Cop infidelity
5) Shannon
6) Death of the first dog
7) Mustache lust
8) The hose-a-phonium
9) Soulful close-ups of April and Elizabeth
and finally
10) Vindictive Ents.

But Johnston was unmoved, and went back to putting gif animations of Michael blinking on her website. And the Lord did sigh loudy, and moved on to that day’s “Ziggy.”
True Fable
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:16 am [Reply]

#98 willethompson: you never know where the Dancin’ Roopville Kid will try to outdo Gary Dent next!

I just spent the past half hour on a long drawn out Rant Extravaganza concerning Men of the Serial Strips and why they deserve to be allowed to get their freak on. If the Patterfoobs can freakin’ procreate, why can’t Sam & Abbey be given the opportunity to at least acknowledge practice?
Little A.
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:16 am [Reply]

FBoFW: I know it’s only 7 o’clock in the morning, so maybe my head isn’t so clear — but which house has the tree fallen on? It isn’t clear to me. Has the tree fallen on the house the Patterons just bought?

If this is obvious, well, I was educated in The Bronx.
smacky
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:28 am [Reply]

FW: Why does Dustin Hoffman care how many times Darin checks his mail?
stinky pete
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:36 am [Reply]

DT(GT): I think it’s considered bad form to punch an opponent in the groin as you pass them on the basepaths.

MT: Buzzard? I’m thinking extra-long sideburns, a mullet and a pencil-thin mustache. Perhaps we should start a villian-facial-hair betting pool.

MW: I think it’s considered bad form to punch yourself in the face as you read a letter.
stinky pete
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:37 am [Reply]

or villain, even.
smacky
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:40 am [Reply]

# 85: Dactyl, you forgot to mention that the conversation ended because you pulled the zipper shut on his leather mask.

Everyone read poat 85 and picture the conversation taking place while the couple is in full bondage gear. It adds a layer of irony to the whole exchange.
MonkeyHawk
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:42 am [Reply]

There was a piece in The National Lampoon by Tony Hendra or Michael O’Donahue or somebody that advivsed writers who’d written themselves into a corner to simply add, “And suddenly, everyone was run over by a truck.”

That’s today’s FOOB.

No set-up. No storm. No reason at all. Just a tree falls on the new house. So now the whole Patterson Cult will have to stay in the old house; only it’s Michael & Deana’s house now, so they’ll move into the master bedroom, John and Elly will bunk up in the basement with Apwil and the hellspawn of Michael will take over the upper floors.

I hope those of us attending Shawna-Marie’s wedding will bring chainsaws and fell some more trees just to wipe out the whole Patterson compound.

Or, at least, Chennux gets his magmacannons out of hock.
Squawk
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:11 am [Reply]

To the question “Mark, why did you leave Lost Forest to do a story on birds around airports?”, I believe the young lady meant to append the word “dumbass.”
AhClem
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:22 am [Reply]

FOOB – At least we now know where the beavers from Mark Trail went.
Chat Noir
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:23 am [Reply]

Finally, an answer to the question: If a tree falls on a FOOB and no one cares, does it make a sound?
Yes … listen closely …. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Sheilagh
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:27 am [Reply]

Sally Forth: How old is Ted? Okay, I can empathize with the upside of a layoff — heaven knows it’s a chore going to work every day, and an unexpected reprieve can be darn nice. But this guy seems to be reverting to fourth grade! It’s starting to remind me of that scene in Valley of the Dolls, where Jennifer finally finds out that her husband is RETARDED — up to that point she’d been too busy fucking him senseless to notice. (Heyyyy, that would explain a lot about the Forths…!)

Oh, and Family Circus? Would somebody please take that melon-headed kid out and beat her to death? If I have to look at much more of her self-consciously cutie-pie drivel and those simpering ain’t-I-sweet poses, I’m going to start smashing Hummel figurines, as they make a more satisfying crash than crumpling up newspapers, and assuage the same impulse…
Harold
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

#99 Lettuce, “Vindictive Ents” goes on the list of great potential band names. I am suddenly reminded of the “Revenge of the Trees” episiode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Perhaps the Pattersons have been discarding used deep-fryer oil in the woods?
Tweeks_Coffee
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

5/22

A3G: Of course she’s going to get Alan to help her. What confuses me is the fact that he tried to forget about LuAnn by going into the coffee shop RIGHT NEXT to her studio.

GA: Hopefully that car’s going to fall and slay Slim tomorrow.

MW: This is supposed to be Vera being emotional? She has two facial expressions: Blank and angry.

Pluggers: That supposed look of longing is one of the more disturbing scenes I’ve seen. Nevermind the fact that they’re now broadened the definition of Pluggers to include anyone who can’t actually dance.

RMMD: What the hell happened to Hugh? He looks like he got hit by a bat. Was Rex working him over before he let him go to th meeting.

TDIET: Ha ha! Fashion sure is wacky! Do you get it? Cause I sure don’t!
Hogen Mogen
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:59 am [Reply]

SYMPATHY FOR THE STAREY GUY
With apologies to Jagger/Richards
-on second thought, no apologies.

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a guy with a gap in his teeth
I’ve got a long, long, creepy stare
But my immaturity is well beyond belief

And I was ’round when Gerald said
He got real wild, had fun and play
Made damn sure that April
Heard about that the very next day

Pleased to meet you
Johnston didnâ€™t give me a name
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I hung around St. Patterson
Got in the car with Mister P.
I laughed when he got pulled over
Anâ€™ a copper winked at me

I was in the crowd
And I HOOâ€™d real loud
When the Foobiphone
Came out from the shroud

Pleased to meet you
I ainâ€™t got no name, oh yeah
You can call me HOO
Itâ€™s the nature of my game, oh yeah
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

I watched with glee
While while Rebeccah screamed
And for ten minutes
Had no harmo-ny
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

I shouted out,
“Whoâ€™s in this band of Rebeccyâ€™s?”
The drummer was
Stoned as can be
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

Let me please embarrass myself
I’m a kid whoâ€™s teeth went to waste
I donâ€™t know what a toothbrush is
Anâ€™ I sure donâ€™t use – toothpaste
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

Pleased to meet you
Hope I can get a name, oh yeah
(hoo hoo)
But what’s puzzling me
Is why the Foobs are always lame
oh yeah, get down, baby
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

Pleased to meet you
I ainâ€™t got no shame, oh yeah
But what’s confusing you
Is why Iâ€™m such a pain
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

Just as Shannon is a genius
anâ€™ all the Pattersons ainâ€™t
as heads is tails
Iâ€™m the normal guy
who donâ€™t always act like a saint
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

So Rebeccah
If youâ€™re listening
please go out with me
and get laid
(hoo hoo)
I know you love to go roadside
And with me you might get paid, um yeah
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

Pleased to meet you
I ainâ€™t got no name, um yeah
(hoo hoo)
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
(hoo hoo, hoo hoo)

Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
(woo woo)

You know baby, Iâ€™m a pain
Tell me honey, can give me a name
Tell me Johnston, what’s my name
I tell you one time, you’re to blame

Oh, hoo
hoo, hoo
Hoo, hoo
Hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo
Oh, yeah

What’s my name? (hoo hoo)
Tell me, baby, that’s my name (hoo hoo)
Tell me, sweetie, what’s my name

hoo, hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo
Oh, yeah
Hoo, hoo
Hoo, hoo
Dennis Jimenez
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:07 am [Reply]

FC – A better Dollyism would be bass-ackwards.

JP – Robert Frost cameo.

TDIET – Those hippy chicks look pretty hot gussied up like a baby doll – but who ever heard of a baby with pits and legs like a jungle! Oh, yeah!
Hogen Mogen
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:07 am [Reply]

I hope I meet Abbey in a hotel somewhere. “By the way, I’m selling this hotel on the cheap… No, you don’t need to get lawyers involved, that just complicates things… Why yes, I will take your personal check… “
Jamus The Bartender
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:13 am [Reply]

FOOB:
* eyes widen at the last panel….does a five count…lips swell up with air….*
BWAHHH-HAH-HAHH-HA-HA-HAHAHAHAAA…oh, Jesus Christ…BWAHHH-HAH-HAHAAAAHHAA..
Justafoob
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:21 am [Reply]

Sigh.

Just when did FBOFW go from a slice of life strip to plot driven dirvel?

Kill all the characters now Lynn and get it over with. We are damn tired of all this crap.
Spoony Bard
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:23 am [Reply]

MT – Hmmm…so, it’s a bird trainer/handler that will be supplying the goods, yes? And, he’ll do anything for money? A criminal bird enthusiast…does anyone remember if the Penguin had sideburns? I mean, I guess that hair style counts as a mullet. Does this mean we get Mark Trail complete with *BIFF* and *POW*?
Howard Erk
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

Too bad the tree didn’t fall on a character.

We could lose the whining of Apewill, Granthony’s pornstache, Liz’s sad life, Mike’s horrid scribblings….

There were so many things Lynn could have smashed besides just a house.
Chimakwa
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:27 am [Reply]

FOOB: I finally understand schadenfreude!
Hogen Mogen
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:32 am [Reply]

Foob: I did laugh when I saw that, too. I wish the damage was more severe and bloody.

A3G: I can’t get in the locked door! Oh no! I should quickly get a cup of coffee and a donut and think about where my life is headed. C’est la vie – er, I mean Dios mio.
Dean Booth
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:34 am [Reply]

DtM: Accepting the Past (SFW).

…Late for work!
Hogen Mogen
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

So all the talk of schadenfreude on this site and I had to look it up. “Pleasure in someone else’s misfortue.” But I also found that the Brazillian phrase for the same thing is

“Pimenta no cu dos outros Ã© refresco.”: “Pepper in somebody else’s anus is freshness.”
Original Lee
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

9CL: McEldowney has finally lost it. He’s borrowing the current plotline from “Barbie on Swan Lake”. I’m totally bailing if Edda turns into a ubiquiduck.
Jamus The Bartender
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

FOOB:
See John and Elly.
They are so happy.
Because they are moving into their new house soon.
Everything is falling into place.
See the big tree.
This is called a “hackneyed plot-device”
See the tree fall into the new house.
Crash, crash, crash.
Now John and Elly are sad.
Sad, sad,sad.
Because the tree…it just….came crashing down…oh Jesus Christ…..BWAHHH-HAHH-HAHH-HAH-HA-HAHAAAAAAAA……
Gulielma
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:45 am [Reply]

FBoFW: INSURANCE COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: “Life comes at you fast. Or not.”

Beetle Bailey: Is this another fat joke? And yes, Snorkle’s first name has always been Orville.

PBS: “Realists don’t make good comforters”. BWAH!

RMMD: Well, Hugh Avery’s right, but has anyone had a “Governess” since Anthony Trollope stopped writing?

Lio: Lovely picture of him playing with his friend. I also liked last week’s pet show strip, where his giant squid got “Best Legs”

Cathy: “Two weeks pregnant?” A bit early, I’d say. Ever hear of “false positives”, Charlene?

Pickles: This. Damn. Strip. Is. Not. Funny. How did it win the Inquirer poll?

And, before I forget: Galactic Emperor Chennux, I talked to the tuxedo renting place, and they say you can have the tux as long as you want, provided I give them the antidote.
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:50 am [Reply]

5/22

RMMD: Hugh seems properly repulsed that his stepmother looks like him with breasts. There was something evil going on in this family. Evil, I tells ya!

Phantom: “Killings? Hey, I don’t like the sound of that. Hope it doesn’t affect me.”

S-M: Look at those cops (not) go! I thought the LAPD was racist and heavy-handed, not lazy and baffled.

DtM: Nothing says “menace” like lovingly poring over mom and dad’s old photo albums. Look, Dennis, you’ve bored Joey. You know how hard that is?

A3G: Well, Cup O’ Joe’s is right next door. Maybe Gabriella will find Father Karras snacking on a grilled danish.

Marmaduke: This is the definition, “Shit man, this Great Dane living out in the burbs, it’s like totally humongous! Details at 11.”

MC: 300 pounds is the estimated weight of 4 or 5 crackheads. Norm must be new to this whole “lying” thing.

JP: Oh, that’s tactful Abbey. “Yeah, yeah, sucks to be old. Well, I gotta go.”

MT: So what’s the rabbit’s angle, anyway? Is he in cahoots with buzzard? I think he may have invested in a Papa Gino’s franchise for the new airport.
essteess
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:50 am [Reply]

Re 62, King Folderol, I too am somewhat intrigued (and by “somewhat” I mean “slightly more than bemused in a bored sort of way”) as to which SUNY Lois might have attended. Note: that’s “attended,” since we don’t know (do we) if she ever actually got a diploma.
My father used to teach at SUNY-Albany, and I’m trying to picture Lois doing jello shots at midnight by the big pool in the quad, or taking the bus back to campus in the wee hours after a wild night in Troy…
Naw, can’t see it.
Zen Doggies
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:56 am [Reply]

A Tree Falls in Foobvilleâ€”by Michael Patterson. It has remainder table written all over it.
Galactic Emperor ChennuxÂ©â„¢Â®
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:57 am [Reply]

ATTENTION EARTHERS! GRAB YOUR CHAINSAWS AND SET THEM TO ‘VIBRATE!’ CHENNUX SPEAKS!

CHENNUX OWES EARTHERS AN APOLOGY! DURING A MAGMACANNON DRILL, ONE OF THE ZED UNITS MISFIRED AND HIT A TREE JUST NORTH OF THE BODY OF WATER YOU CALL LAKE ONTARIO! EVIDENTLY, IT FELL ON A HOUSE! HAHA! CHENNUX IS EMBARRASSED YET HAPPY! IT THIS FEELING LIKE “SCHADENFREUDE” OR “PEPPER IN SOMEONE ELSE’S ANUS?” HAHA!

MMMMM…PEPPERED ANUS! CHENNUX WILL TAKE AN EARLY LUNCH!

END TRANSMISSION!

OH, #126 Gulielma, CHENNUX SAYS ‘THANKS’ FOR COVERING ME ON THE TUXEDO! THE ANTIDOTE NEEDS TO KEPT IN THE FRIDGE UNTIL USED! HAHA!

REALLY END TRANSMISSION!
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:05 am [Reply]

#122,
Bravo, Dean. So that’s what was missing.
Harold
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

#112 Tweeks_Coffee, the coffee shop right next to Lu Ann’s studio is the only one in the area that that serves absinthe. That’s why Alan’s there. He will turn out to be surprisingly unhelpful.

Hmmm…what are the odds the FOOBs didn’t bother to get homeowner’s insurance in their convoluted little house swap deal? And how did they go from finally announcing to April (in yeaterday’s chicks-in-prison fantasy strip) that they had decided to buy the house to having already bought the house in today’s strip?
Gabe
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

126: Apparently Pickles is extremely poplular with the older set.

And guess which demo reads the newspaper the most?
SatanicMechanic
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:13 am [Reply]

9cwl: After image googling “lippizanner” you’d think he’d actually be able to draw one…
AtomicDog
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

27 – That’s the second longest unicorn horn I’ve ever seen.
ChefMike
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

FC Yes Dolly, if you find a cute enough way to say it, maybe mother won’t beat you for making yet another mess.
FW: I’m thinking there’s something more to it, cause I assume that even the most obsessive mail-checkers understand that the post office is closed on Sundays.
RMMD: I just love that gobsmacked look in the last panel, as Hugh hears that his father married someone just old enough to be his daughter, and a twin sister to boot. Seriously, I guess I haven’t been following the story closely enough, but I assumed it was situation kinda like Vera and Von.
C-shaft: of course, making a blatantly obvious statement about protecting shrubbery from frostbite warrants a WWII flashback. in tomorrow’s strip we’ll either have a lecture on weeding juxtaposed with a Pearl Harbor reference, or better yet, Crankshaft and the women cooperate on planting a tree, and in the next panel is the comparison with the raising of the flag at Iwo Jima.
Rose is Rose: You could produce at least a gallon of syrup from the sap running out of this strip lately.
Pluggers: “Pluggers will dance to anything as long as it’s slow.” is an incorrect statement. Pluggers may prefer slow dancing, but I bet they’d only dance to tunes that were written as slow dances. Pluggers won’t dance to rap tunes, played at half speed, for example.
Ran
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:24 am [Reply]

MT I love ms Pendolous’s Betty Page hair.
Bootsybooks
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:28 am [Reply]

#85, Dactyl, Mr. Books is not a denizen of this site. However, when I told him about the Redmullet McSweaterpuppies shirt, he liked the idea so much that he asked me to order one for him!

#89, Mr. O’Malley, re baseball signs. Base runners look for signs from coaches, and pitchers and catchers communicate with signs so each knows what the next pitch will be.

But the catcher doesn’t signal to the second baseman! The second baseman should know that there’s a runner on first. He keeps his eye on the ball as it is pitched. if the runner on first breaks for second, generally the catcher stands up to throw it to the second baseman, who should be waiting for it. If the pitcher doesn’t react to that (usually by ducking) he’s going to get pasted.

I call snarkolepsy on Torin #48 and #49. Zzzzzzzzzzzz
gkl
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:37 am [Reply]

MW: I think we can all take the real lesson here: Always forgive a rich brother, so you can share in the cash.
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:41 am [Reply]

# 87 — SecretMargo, I wish you well with whatever redeeming Foob strips you come across. As for me, my Foobloatharianism removes all such possibilities. Death to Foobville.

# 99 — Lettuce, you owe me a keyboard:-). And thanks for pointing out that the tree is a vindictive Ent. I was staring at that panel thinking “how in the name of God could a tree break off like THAT?” Now I just hope it’s a modern Ent who will whip out a machine gun and send John and Elly to that great big Canadian suburb in the sky.
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:43 am [Reply]

# 113 — BWAHAHA! Hogen Mogen, I needed that.
gh
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:54 am [Reply]

SlyFox: Gorillas have six toes on their hind feet. I did not know that. Iâ€™m guessing even Mark Trail did not know that. Those things look about as functional as Dick Tracyâ€™s hands.
Kunoichi42
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:55 am [Reply]

re FOOB: Um, I thought the new Patterson house had 2 bedrooms. If that is the case, why the heck John and Elly mention fixing up the basement for April? Or did I just answer my own question. Maybe I am just thinking about too much, or maybe the painkillers haven’t kicked in yet.

JP: So let me understand: Rachel doesn’t have a lawyer to keep creepy mullet son from usurping her wishes? Cos I think if I got that kind of scratch, I would hire the best damn lawyer I could and cut that sucker son off at the pass and then toss a few boulders down it. Where is Wile E. Coyote when you need him? Why does my head still hurt??

FW: I call the whole Lisa must find the son she gave up and the cancer storyline the Gray’s Anatomy effect. If putting a cogent storyline that is actually interesting is just too trying, hey, go for the soapy, contrived obvious path. Because you know, your readers are too dumb to keep up with anything complicated.

(Casting a Thousand Years of Death jutsu to Johnston, Batiuk and whoever draws JP.)
stinky pete
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:56 am [Reply]

135 AD; nice Get Smart reference!
AllieCat
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:57 am [Reply]

The missing fifth panel of FOOB today is Uncle Phil on the hoseaphonium blatting out a sarcastic: Waaah Waahhh Waahh WAAAAAAAH.

FW – Keep checking that mailbox, Darin – I have a hunch that you’ll hear something by October, at least.

About Funky Cancerboob – I know we’ve been so focused on Lisa’s inevitable “retirement” (read: dirt nap) that we’ve kind of lost focus on some other plotlines.

For one – shouldn’t the kids be getting ready to graduate? I was hoping for a Prom with the inevitable sexual tension (and release), and since Darin, Jessica and even Pete and Chien are seniors – shouldn’t we be prepping for their graduation?

Darin better be staying in town for college – otherwise, we’re going to have some issues with him only being able to check his PO Box when he’s home for Thanksgiving, and by then it will be…too…late.

Yes, I know, he could leave a forwarding address, but work with me, people.
NotMe
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:59 am [Reply]

The missing last panel of FOOB today shows April running away down the alley with chainsaw in hand

“…put me in the basement will you…. I’ll show them….BWAHAHAHAH!!!
gh
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:08 am [Reply]

MT: Letâ€™s see. Talking picture frame, check. Talking suit coat button, check. Talking lapel, check. Ginormous real-estate speculator bunny racing off to beat two commissioners at their own game, check. Jackelrod Ball/giant rabbit pellet, check. Looks like weâ€™re back to normal.
Motorposus
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

Read the last frame of MT today and started humming. Tune supplied by Elton John.

Buzzard and His Birds

Hey Mark, shake it loose together
An airplane could hit something
That is known to have a feather
Prepare to write an â€œinterestingâ€
Bird-strike account
You’re gonna hear noisy shell crackers
Solid walls of sound

Say, Moustache and Sideburns, have you seen them yet
Oooo but they’re so spaced out
Buh-buh-buh Buzzard and his Birds
Oh but they’re venal and they’re wonderful
Oh Buzzard he’s really keen
He’s got electric boots, a mullet too
You know I read it in a magaziiiiiii-iiine
Buh-buh-buh Buzzard and his Birds

Hey Mark, watch out for that goose
Minor politicians wanna
Screw with local land use
Westville isnâ€™t zoned for
Ducks and ospreys
Weâ€™ll get all fired up â€˜bout the birds lest you
Punch off some toupees

Say, Moustache and Sideburns, have you seen them yet
Oooo but they’re so spaced out
Buh-buh-buh Buzzard and his Birds
Oh but they’re venal and they’re wonderful
Oh Buzzard he’s really keen
He’s got electric boots, a mullet too
You know I read it in a magaziiiiiii-iiine
Buh-buh-buh Buzzard and his Birds
Calico
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:12 am [Reply]

#91 – Gwamps and Iris-Eyes get the basement dungeon, so they are away from falling trees.
April, on the other hand, gets nothing.
Yes, she will move to Vietnam and become the first female Jimmy Thudpucker, smacking out and playing her birthday song over and over to the enthralled (or not) nightclub crowds.
See Ya, Roadside…
John
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:22 am [Reply]

Family Circus today: so the Keane family can no longer afford two slices of bread for Dolly’s jelly sandwiches? Is this the result of $3.00 gas prices? Their subtle comment on Bushonomics? What’s next — Jeffy doing an Obama ‘08 presentation in school? A “Bush lied, people died” sticker on the family car?
Hogen Mogen
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 am [Reply]

RMMD: Heather finally reveals herself to be the wicked stepmother! Don’t tell me that 70 years of Disney film have lied.
Holly
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

Sympathy for the Starey Hoo Guy — classic!
Katherine
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:31 am [Reply]

123 — that’s effing awesome (is it ok to curse in the comments here?)

I’m amazed no-one else mentioned today’s Luann:
http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/5/22&name=Luann

Snot is the missing ingredient? Remind me never to eat one of Luann’s cookies….
essteess
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:36 am [Reply]

FOOB: OK, here’s my prediction. Mike uses some/most of his advance money to pay for the repairs. Or else Anthony offers to kick in some bucks — “if Elizabeth will live in my basement and be my possession.”
No! I’ve got it! In the midst of his physical therapy, Grandpa Jim suddenly retrieves a long-hidden memory: During the war, he and his buddies found a cache of rare French wine, which they’ve kept in a secret place all these years. Why, it’d be worth a fortune now…if only he can recall the location. Hijinks, and hypnosis, ensue.
MossMoses
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:37 am [Reply]

Falling trees shatter like broken glass when they hit houses? I’m beginning to wonder if the new Foob domicile is in Canada or Lost Forest, because the planet earth laws of physics don’t seem to apply.

Now there’s an evil hopping bunny in on the nefarious bird plot. “Old Buzzard” sounds more like some kind of micro brew than a nickname. It’s one of those names that really typecasts the person given it, much like Snake or Scar.

If Mary Worth really gave a crap about agent orange kids she’d figure out how to tap into the Shields family fortune for her fundraising. Too bad she is way more concerned with rich, spoiled white people and her own bloated ego.
Katherine
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:37 am [Reply]

PS #17 — we get Lola here in Georgia too. For no evident reason whatsoever.
Hogen Mogen
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:42 am [Reply]

Family Circle of Death: Too bad, Dolly, you should have dropped it on the black carpet. What’s the big deal, anyway? Dolly is in a diner. Those obviously aren’t kitchen chairs and tables. Tomorrow, some hysterical woman is going to come in exclaiming there are evil spirits preventing her from breaking in to the studio next door and would someone please switch her to decaf before she starts foaming at the mouth.

Neanwhile, Luann has a final encounter with Albert Pinko Ryder.
Calico
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

MW – “In Mary we Trust”
How did Vera end up with Luann’s greeting card paintings on the wall of her sublet space in Horrorstone?
Is this the Apartment that belongs to Myrna-the one Ella lived in?
These female names are taking me back in time to about the year 1917. Someone please, please make it stop.
MrP
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:52 am [Reply]

In the Mark Trail world, you don’t need more than one bird to have a bird problem at an airport. Because that bird is going to hunt planes and wolf them down like tiny plastic mice.
Jamus The Bartender
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:53 am [Reply]

Dick Tracy’s Crimestoppers Textbook.
Today’s Lesson: Things To Look For When Buying A New Home.
Okay, I know this is a little off-beat for the ol’ detective, but i’m hoping some lessons of real estate won’t be lost on some of you young couples…or old ones for that matter…buying a house for the first..or second..time.
Naturally, you’ve gone through the house, asked about termites, whether there’s any dope in the floorboards, checked the pipes, what-have-you…but what about the outside fauna…and flora.
Yep, we’re talking about trees. No one thinks of this, but….there’s always the possibility that …suddenly….inexplicably….a tree will suddenly fall onto your new house….right after everything has fallen into place…………………………………………BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHHHHHH….oh, I can’t believe it…ye gods…..the tree JUST FELL DOWN….I can’t take it….Christ on a crutch….oh my God…help me out here……I can’t finish…um…BWAHH HAAA HAAA…..vote Republican….watch out for terrorists…..they may make trees fall on your house….BWAHHHHH HA HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA……………..
Dick Tracy
t007
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

A3-G: There is no time to waste! Hmm…I’ll just stand here and WASTE TIME!
Justafoob
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:57 am [Reply]

Jumpin Jebus.

John is a fracken dentist and Elly has money from when she sold the business.

They can’t get a roof fixed?????

If they are that strapped for money, they should pimp out Apewill.
Mr. Coffee Nerves
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

FOOB: If the Foobersons need to fix up the basement for Apwil’s Roadside Stand doesn’t that mean that they apparently bought a one-bedroom house?

or IS there a second bedroom — they’re just going to keep the second bedroom as a shrine to St. Michael’s brilliance by keeping it filled with stacks of his unsold books while Apwil sleeps with random Rush roadies?

And, wow…it’s kinda funny that I’ve given so much thought to the Foob’s real estate machinations — not so much “ha ha” funny, but “hey, that homeless guy is wearing a cheerleader outfit made of human skin” funny.
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

FOOB: Not bad, but I would have preferred the good ol’ Terry Gilliam foot.
AllieCat
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

#164 AFKAB – I used to imagine that foot stepping down and crushing my former boss. Now I’m in a much better company, and I haven’t thought of the Monty Python Foot in months.
VSK
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:15 am [Reply]

M!B!S! (I just noticedit could stand for More Bull Shit)
Kunoichi42
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

#164: As the icy hand of death came upon him…

WHACK!

(Sorry, can’t think of the precise wording, but hey, the intent is there!)

But the Gilliam foot works too :) Just don’t forget the “sound effect”, which makes it even funnier.

#163: Speaking of intent: Maybe that is secretly Johnston’s, you know, drives us slowly insane, suck us into Mike’s comatose alternate universe. MUST RESIST!

KAI! RELEASE!
Thirsty Thurston, Neighborly Curmudgeon
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

Wow.

Lois is a SUNY grad. I don’t remember her on campus but sure wish I did see her. I could have gotten her easily away from that stumble-bum coffee spilling clod Hi.

Of course SUNY is huge and she probably didn’t go to Albany.

Oh well.

I will just have to keep up with my CILF fantasies.
gh
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

#153 Katherine

You can curse with someone, but not at someone or you get tossed into the Cockpit. It’s dark down there and kinda damp from all the spittle flying around.
gkl
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

Rusty (#6): That’s one of the most disturbing images I’ve ever imaged. Well played!
AhClem
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

It all comes full circle. The “Blatt” sound of the Gilliam foot was made by a hose-o-phone.
Meanwhile
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

MT: Because second-panel animals are usually so vociferous, I wondered why our owl friend had nothing to say about Mark’s bird-story mission. But then Josh pointed out that it has a mouthful of rodent, which explains its eerie, owlish silence. Its owl-momma must have raised it right.

I knew there was a reason I read this blog. Thanks, Josh!
Harry Worth
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

I think about twenty years or so ago, Mary was on food stamps and could not get enough to eat. I think that was the first instance of a dangling mouse corpse with its head half-masticated on the funny papers.

This was shortly before the introduction of Chin Beard, who ate up all the mice at the Charterstone.
Paperback Rifler
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

5-22 (THTI)Foob: A tree falls on the previously perfect Stibbs house.

5-23 (THTI)Foob:
Panel 1 — John and Elly silently survey the damage, mouths agape.
Panel 2 — John and Elly look at each other, too shocked to speak. (Shocked because of the tree, I mean.)
Panel 3 — John and Elly suddenly brighten up as though a happy thought has occurred to them simultaneously. (A “bright idea” light bulb appears in the air over their heads to make sure the readers can follow the thought process.)
Panel 4 — John and Elly high-five as they say in unison, “THAT will be April’s room!!!” Out of nowhere, Gap-Toothed Starey “Hoooo!” Guy appears to deliver an emphatic, “Hoooo!”
Ham Gravy
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

Archie â€“ This strip is nothing like I remember it when I was a kid. Whereâ€™s Edith and the Meathead and little Joey? Also, is Archie sleeping with his head in a waffle iron?
zeeba
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

#98 willethompson: LOL!! I was thinking the same thing, only not as eloquently as you, that Abbey thinks aging happens to everyone except herself!!

#99 Lettuce: LOL!! Good one, but still doesn’t explain the tree falling, well, wait a minute, maybe it does.

#108 Ah Clem–I predicted the very thing weeks ago when Mark T. and bad dad let the beavers stay. Theodore and Castoria have been busy since then propagating their race and the only trees left for the younguns to gnaw on were in FOOB Canada.
zeeba
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

#99 Lettuce:
quote me #176:
#99 Lettuce: LOL!! Good one, but still doesnâ€™t explain the tree falling, well, wait a minute, maybe it does.

AACK!!! I need to use reading glasses online now!!! I thought you said “Vindictive Erk” (as in Howard). It all makes so much more sense now!!!

5/22 Luann:
http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/5/22&name=Luann

Strange juxtaposition of cookie ingredients: nuts? yolks??? When Greg Evans makes cookies, does he leave out the egg whites??? Mmmmmm, more cholesterol for ME!!!
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

#165, AllieCat,
Glad you have a better work situation. For crush the boss fantasies, I used to vary between the foot, one ton weights, Steinway baby grands.
cheech wizard
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

So why are John and Elly sitting out on their new front porch in the middle of a windstorm? Because that’s the only time trees fall over – if the last one didn’t blow them down, they’re sound enough to last until the next comes along.

Unless nature itself is finally outraged at the travesty this strip has become and has decided to smite them. I like that a lot better. Coming up next: the kitchen is overrun by a plaque of half-masticated field mice and the sky is darkened by millions of unbiquicanadageese who bury the house and its unfortunate owners under a shower of goose crap.
willethompson
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

snarkotic (snarâ€¢KAWâ€¢tik) – (n) 1. A person so addicted to snark so that they must view the Joshreads several, even dozens or hundreds, times a day. I’m looking at YOU, gh.

(from the upcoming JoshReads Lexicon, presently under peer review)
gh
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

#181 willethompson

If God didn’t want snarkotics, he wouldn’t have created F5.
Dingo
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

If the saga of Vera and Von doesn’t end with some Bom-Chicka-Wah-Wow brother-on-sister action under the cloak of night at the Charterstone pool, all willl be for naught. This story is like Jane Austen rewritten by Jacqueline Susann with the subtlety of a Bush press release.
Brent
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

Dagwood is not a tool moocher – he is a tool moochee. Herb Woodley has most of Dagwood’s tools in his garage. It doesn’t help matters any that the only thing that Herb has worth mooching is his wife Tootsie.
Ubiq
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

FOOB- And God comes down on April’s side. Not that I’m really complaining, O Lord, but a meteor would have been more flashy and would still have worked as a pun. But if you’re reserving that fate for Mike, I understand completely. No point wasting the Smite-A-Nator 12000 on the train house when the Delicate Genius is around.

As far as the extra bedroom goes, well, John’s trains have to go somewhere at night, right? The real trick will be finding that many miniature-locomotive-sized blankets and pillows.
Howard Erk
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

Apewill needs to smacked up side the head.

If moving down the street is the biggest difficulty in your life, well waaaaaaa, get over yourself.

My parents never asked my advice on anything before I was 18.

Hell even after I was 18.

She don’t like it, their is the road, bitch.
Spotted HÃ˜rse
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

(THTI)FOOB: I’m sensing a real end of days theme from several of the FOOB posts lately:

#89 Mr. O’Malley:

…Iâ€™m not sure I can hold out until the Fooberdammerung.

#99 Lettuce:

And the Lord did stiffen the heart of Lynn Johnston, who would not let her readers go, and so He set upon her 10 plagues…

#113 Hogenmogen’s nihilistic choice of “Sympathy for the Devil” for Gap Toothed Starey Hoooo-Guy echoes the theme of Armageddon. As in, “Ah’rm a-gettin’ outtahere!”

Man, would I love to see a takeoff on The Stand starring FOOB notables… a whole world of corpses, with the survivors slinging guns and challenging, are you with Lynn Johnston aka the Corn Lady, or the Walkin’ Dude? We could have the Krispy Kelpfroths against the Patterfoobs, Gordo and Michael as the saint figures, Paul Wright as the traitor, and Gap Toothed Starey Hooo-Guy as the slobbering gibbering guy with the tractor who hauls the nukes.
MossMoses
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

GTSHG favorite communist dictator – Hoo Jin Tao

GTSHG favorite NFL slogan – Hoo dat

GTSHG favorite tv chef Justin Wilson – Hoo-wee! garownteed!

GTSHG favorite magician – Harry Hoo-dini

GTSHG favorite singer – Hoo-lio Iglesias

GTSHG favorite roadside hoo – April
Little A.
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

If so many of you readers dislike FBoFW so much, WHY DO YOU READ IT AT ALL???? It used to be my favorite strip, until Mike got his $25,000 advance on his first book.
Hell, I have finished a novel AND I CAN’T EVEN GET A FUCKING AGENT TO LOOK AT 50 PAGES OF MY BOOK! But we are not talking about the real world, here, we must keep in mind.
Dennis Jimenez
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

Re: 188 – I am a snarkoleptic – Zzzzzzzzzz.
Victor Von
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

“Many of my stories take me away from home, and like this one, most of them are interesting!”

The wit and wisdom of Mark Train, two-fisted autistic savant.
MossMoses
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

188. Little A., don’t be bitter. The Can$ 25,000 cheque is in the mail.
whoamItoday?
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

Cathy: â€œTwo weeks pregnant?â€ A bit early, Iâ€™d say. Ever hear of â€œfalse positivesâ€, Charlene?

the tests are pretty accurate these days, and two weeks is just about exactly right, but most people don’t mention it for another 4 to 10 weeks in case there is an early bail-out.

Very practiced at all of that. Until 38 and a half weeks ago. Harder to reach the laptop keyboard every day now.
Spotted HÃ˜rse
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

#188 Little A.:

If so many of you readers dislike FBoFW so much, WHY DO YOU READ IT AT ALL????

Because we are OCD and FOOB is the comics equivalent to scab picking and hair pulling.
Little Guy
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

FOOB: I didn’t know God was Fugly. I thought God made us in His Own Ima— wait, is Lynn saying the rest of the non-Patterson Human Race is Fugly?!?

Sunday’s JP – Nice to see RedMullett’s SweaterPuppies making an appearence.
Howard Erk
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

If so many of you readers dislike FBoFW so much, WHY DO YOU READ IT AT ALL????

Because of the hypocrisy of the strip. It is meant to be a slice of life but it winds up being a slice of shit.

Monty stays true to its form.

So does PBS.

Hell, so does Get Fussy.

And so do a lot of other strips.

People here are CURMUDGEONS!!!! We don’t like hypocrisy.

Be a hypocrit and you will get your ass handed to you here.
Cedar
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

#188 I know how you feel. Not that I’ve written a novel, but I am a writer, and my ma seriously thinks that FOOB is realistic portrayal of how writers get published. “Why don’t you write a book!? You interned at a publishing place; they’ll publish it for you, right?”
Paperback Rifler
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

113. “Sympathy for the Starey Guy”: Too funny, HM! Hoooo!

148. “Buzzard and His Birds”: Nice work, Motorposus! Of course, now I’m really hoping that the bird-breeding “Buzzard” of ill repute really will have electric boots and a mullet, too. Oh, well; we’ll probably have to settle for one out of the two.

Dang. It’s late in the thread, so I’ll be snarking on the dregs again:

Crock: You see I really wasn’t kidding about the “dregs.” Anyway, I refuse to believe that this a sight gag in which the weather is so cold that the terrain itself has goosebumps. For one thing, it’s not funny. For another thing, it makes absolutely no sense; and lastly, it’s so poorly drawn that it has absolutely no chance of even looking interesting. I’m more inclined to believe that all those bumps are land mines; or perhaps they represent the graves of all the people in the world who have ever read Crock and absolutely died laughing. Oh, wait — if that were the case, the ground would have no bumps at all. Never mind.

Mary Worth: “How could I have turned you away from our home?”
Well, gee, Von; maybe it’s because you’re drinking all the freakin’ time! Of course, it’s a little known fact that not only is alcoholism the number one cause of ornamental swan breaking in this country, it’s also the number one cause of sister evicting, not to mention the number seven cause of fatal car crashes involving failed stalkers of Mary Worth.

Apartment 3-G: “There must be someone who can help me! But . . . where?!!”
And Spider-Man misses another cue.

Speaking of Spider-Man, today’s episode features what must be the worst. cops. EVER. Honestly, they know that there’s a hostage being held at gunpoint, and they’re not even looking inside! In the cops’ defense, though, Spidey and Kordok have been facing off in the auditorium for a couple of weeks now; maybe the cops had finally decided to take a sandwich break and were caught off guard. Or maybe they got bored and got to talking about this and that. (ex: “Y’know, if I had the proportionate strength of a spider, I’d knock that Kordok on his fat fanny faster than you could say, ‘Lula Patoot,’ I tell you what. And I’d be way too fast to get conked by a fallin’ brick, too. Yep. I wonder if I’d have to be shootin’ webs out of my butt like a real spider, though; and if I did, would my underpants stick to my behind? Maybe I’d have to get some of them there fancy, no-stick, teflon underpants.” And so on.)
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

Happy Herge centennial, everyone.

Also, in today’s Marmaduke we learn that the owner-family lives in the eastern half of the U.S.

Re today’s Hagar, Steve Martin once said, “I believe a woman should be placed on a pedestal — high enough so that you can look up her dress.”

And Sally Forth. Who would have thought that Ted was manly enough to be able to grow stubble?

(Bear with me here: a test to see if I can encode accented characters)

Hergé
mere cog in the machine
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

When it comes to strips that feature characters that actually eat one another, I strongly feel that ‘Sherman’s Lagoon’ is way ahead of that annoyingly silly one with the mice and the crocodiles and the whatnot.
MossMoses
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

193. Spotted Horse: Well put! There is a saying in Chinese “chui mao chiu ci”, meaning to blow on body hair in order to see the sore underneath. That’s what our snarkasm is all about and there is no strip out there worthier of criticism than the pretentious, treacly Lynn Johnston’s FOOB.
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

53 mock robster: excellent noir!

106 Monkeyhawk: I first read that as “And suddenly everyone was run over by a duck.” Personally, that’s the one I’m going to use the next time I write myself into a corner.

I just have to say that since Ted got laid off S4th is my favoritest strip in the whole world. Thanks, Ces!
Mooncity
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

Today’s Crankshaft is instructive, if not in how to care for an actual garden, than in how to care for the overgrown tangle of weeds in the man’s soul.

The World War II flashback has several interesting points; first, it’s in a photo album (you can tell by those little black corner thingies). Who but Crankshaft would have a photo of himself in combat in his family album? Second, ol’ Crank looks pretty young in the photo, but not too young. From the remains of the fauna in the background, I’m guessing Crankshaft fought the Germans in Europe. So I’m pegging this picture in 1943, maybe ‘44. Some pointless math will then tell you that Crankshaft was born in 1925, and spent his formative years in the Great Depression, and his early adulthood fighting in a war with too many foxholes and not enough love. On top of that, he’s like 82 years old today. Looking for some Cranky Credentials? Yeah, Crankshaft’s your man!
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

133 Gabe: Ahem. I like Pickles a lot, and it’s true that I’m part of an older demographic. But you are wrong if you think newspapers try to attract older readers. Our local paper is constantly tinkering with the comics and other features in an attempt to attract younger readers. The result is that the entertainment and tv sections have become unreadable and the comics are trending more and more to the incomprehensible, like F minus (nine days out of ten). There is nothing wrong with liking Pickles. It’s basically harmless, and often brings a smile.
mere cog in the machine
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

#203: I did NOT like Pickles when it first appeared in my newspaper a month or so ago, beating out Sherman’s Lagoon in a readers poll. Then when Hart got planted they replaced BC with Sherman. Now that my childish resentment has dissipated, I’ve begun to read Pickles and discovered that it is a whole heck of alot better than a lot of other strips.
mere cog in the machine
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

#202: ‘Too Many Foxholes and Not Enough Love’ would be an excellent title for something. A memoir? A song? Mmmmm….
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

Okay, I’m cranky today, I admit it. Rather than snark on the dregs, I’m going to snark on whatever I damn well please, and if I oversnark, tough noogies.

DT: “Why are you framing a blue doorknob, Tracy? A green doorknob, I could understand. Even a pink one, or orange. But a BLUE doorknob? Have you lost your frigging mind?”

JP: No snark here, just an appreciation of the terrific chiaroscuro. I haven’t seen such nice shadows since Elvis drew down on Nikky. Who, by the way, is where? Have they just dropped that story line in RMMD?

MT: Well, this strip is just ludicrous today. Really, if I want to have my intelligence insulted, I’ll go visit my mother.
Gabe
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

I don’t have anything against Pickles. It was an okay strip, and there was one really good one about leaving the turn signal on that I remember.

But I’m fairly sure the last time I saw a study on it, the demo that reads the paper way skews to OLD.
Dingo
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

Too many foxholes /
And not enough good lovin’ /
Mission Accomplished
Cannis
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

All right, it’s time to vote for the best self-clubbers, and I say: Dr. Jeff Corey (that hair curl!). I also like Wally Lamb, who went to the trouble of acquiring, let alone wearing, a Mudlarks t-shirt. And all that fake blood he’s got going — who can resist fake blood? Not this monkey, that’s for sure.
HammerGirl
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

Jeez…I can’t check this site for a few weeks during final exams and now you all have a new favorite Foob? (Gap tooth) Who is this guy? Can I get a link to his now famous appearance?
cheech wizard
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

198/Skullturf – Happy Herge centennial indeed! Any of you out there who do not recognize this fellow cannot truly call yourselves comics enthusiasts.
Dan Coyle
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

Funky CancerCancer: Dear God, this has to rank as one of the worst strips in the FW canon. “He checks it on SUNDAYS!” Oh dear god, is this a joke? Because it’s just stupid.

Then again, I checked the box on Sundays. Because I was really looking forward to the porn I ordered.

Overboard: The 6,000,000,000th Dog is smarter than the captain strip. Ever get the feeling that there’s a computer writing and drawing this strip and mailing it out to the syndicate while Chip Dunham’s body decomposes, slumped over the drawing board? I know I do.

Lio: A perefect example of taking a cheap ass pun and having fun with it and creating a great joke. Tatulli has my thanks.
Gap-Toothed Starey â€Hoooo!â€ Guy
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

210. C’est moi!

Regards,
Gap-Toothed Starey “Hoooo!” Guy

P.S.: Hoooo!
Lurkerina Snarkinovna
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

Deanna paid someone (the GTSHG?) to blow up the tree and cause the cave-in of April’s bedroom. Since the master bedroom is intact, and they’re so eager to live in the new love nest, John & Elly will stay in the house while the repairs are done, leaving no choice but to have April remain in the ancestral compound. Voila! Built-in babysitter! .
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

209 Cannis: How do you know that Wally Lamb’s blood is FAKE?
Cornwhacker
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

201, Oâ€™Fogeyette: Haven’t we seen that duck thing in Mark Trail? Never succeeds in ending those stories, unfortunately.

And since when have you been concerned about writing yourself into a corner? Can’t you just make more coffee?
Jym
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

=85= (Dactyl): Of course, the only proper response to that is, Margo!Boxcar!Saturn!

=86= Popeye (Spider-Brick): Not Hell exactly, but Swee’pea is descended from the royalty of Demonia.

=92= (williethompson): My M!B!S! shirt gets me the same reaction. Consider this a product endorsement.

=113= Foob (Hogen Mogen): Truly awesome. Hoo! Hoo!

=188= Foob (Little A.): Perhaps you need to find a publisher who likes INTERMITTENT YELLING? Might I recommend the fine folks at Dr. Bronner’s? DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 22nd, 2007 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

216 Cornwhacker: Haha! If only coffee would cure writing oneself into a corner. Actually, I came to coffee late in life, just in the last couple of years. When I was younger I could not tolerate caffeine; now my body craves it as it once craved oxygen and water. I’m not sure if this is an upside or a downside of getting older.
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

# 188 — Little A., if you won’t ask me why I still read Foob, I won’t ask you how you could stand it for as long as you did:-). Sympathies re the novel, by the way.
Ubiq
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

185: If this was an isolated incident, that’d be one thing, but it’s just another in a looooong series where she has been pushed aside or overlooked in favor of her older siblings.

If I recall correctly, didn’t April buy the furniture in her bedroom herself? So how is it fair that she’s tossed off into the basement while Mike gets her room and her furniture? She went from a temporary living rearrangement to a permanent one without consultation. Considering all the noise about buying all new furnishing and their cavalier attitude towards her feelings, I would not be the least bit surprised if April’s bedroom set remaining at the old house wasn’t going to part of the deal. If she argued that she wanted her things and not something that’s shiny and new, it would be portrayed as being a Whiny Princess reaction (FBoW is remarkably consistent on this) and not an entirely reasonable demand that she get to keep her own property. Not everybody wants things just because they’re new; there’s comfort in familiarity and she might not be able to find something that she likes as much this time around.

Even then, April may well be the kind of person that takes pride in the fact that she bought those things herself, though she would be a rarity in that family if that’s the case. If so, something bought for her wouldn’t have the same meaning as something she bought herself.

Sure, not all parents discuss such things with their kids, but I doubt most parents make such plans while clearly ignoring the existence of one of their kids like Ellie and John have consistently done. Every argument that they have made is centered around the fact that their current house is “too big” for two people (which clearly isn’t the point as John wants the lot for his trains and Ellie wants new furniture), but it isn’t just two people.

Even in the latest strip, Ellie manages to overlook the fact that April is still living with them and would be for the next couple of years.

Saying that April is being unreasonable about this whole affair is nonsensical to say the least. It’s not unreasonable to take issue with the selfish actions of others, especially when they result in a radical change in your life.
Dean Booth
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

FC + A3G = Oh, Blessed Mother!. There are two versions — I couldn’t decide which I liked best. Version 3 would be Dolly saying “Margo!”, without the euphemism.
Jym
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

=220= Foob (Ubiq): The Pattersons want, indeed need, everything to be new! new! new! because they’re so gosh-darned successful. They’re quite an environmental menace all their own, which is why the tree attacked their house. April has been the exception, but as I complained not long ago, since she’s the only bearable one left, the strip is going to change all that afore the Foobocalypse.
jouster
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

“81 Poteet: Did he say, â€œHey doll, is this guy boring you? Why donâ€™t you talk to me instead? Iâ€™m from a different planet!â€

Google? Wait, do you think that anyone here does *not immediately recognize* that?

What do you think we were reading while we weren’t getting laid in high school?
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

221 Dean Booth: Bwahahaha! Thanks! I close my computer for the day with a happy smile on my face.
Mibbitmaker
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

MT: Wouldn’t it be cool if Buzzard the old hunting guide was an actual buzzard? Makes as much sense as a giant rabbit (Harvey?!) spouting the villians’ plans while pooping Jack Elrod spheres.

FOOB: Actually, the sound a tree makes hitting a house in FOOBland is: “BATIUK!!!” The main reason that’s not what’s in the strip is that Lynn believes in the axiom “If you can’t use a sound effect that fits (Seriously: ‘Thump’ ??), stretch out the letters to badly fake it”.

FW: Of course the post office is closed on Sundays. Darin just breaks in those days! People have been wondering why he listens to G. Gordon Liddy’s show so much lately.

MF: Speaking of rabid right-wingers…. Actually, I really like the drawing of the dog in today’s edition.

A3G: Panel 2: This is what those of us who post on the Telvision Without Pity boards call an “anvil”. Coincidentally, a falling anvil is the next thing that’s supposed to kill LuAnn. And if that doesn’t work, anyone here familiar with Tex Avery (no relation (RMMD)) cartoons knows the rest.
Spotted HÃ˜rse
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

#188 Little A.: Many of us grew up with FBoFW and had fond associations that persisted a lot longer than the strip’s actual quality. I’ve watched the strip get more corporate, trite, holier-than-thou, and (for me most of all) increasingly and disturbingly retro in its gender politics. Furthermore, the monthly letters from FOOB characters on the FBorFW website, of which I was blissfully unaware before a few months ago, incite deep revulsion in many Curmudgeons.

As MossMoses notes,

“…There is a saying in Chinese â€œchui mao chiu ciâ€, meaning to blow on body hair in order to see the sore underneath. Thatâ€™s what our snarkasm is all about…”

We are indeed nattering nabobs of negativity, but there’s a lot of love here, too (brushing away a tear or two). We love the seemingly unlovable. But many of us just can’t muster any affection anymore for the FOOBs, and this is our place to vent.

And MossMoses, that is one nasty sore. More body hair, mule!
gnome de blog
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

#151 Hogen Mogen:
RMMD: Heather finally reveals herself to be the wicked stepmother! Donâ€™t tell me that 70 years of Disney film have lied.

A nanny and a wicked stepmother! All of Hughie’s twisted fantasies have come true!
Mibbitmaker
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

More FOOB: So the pun today leads to an out-of-nowhere tree fall on the house in a karma move. These are the next strips:

Wed: Mike muses about his brilliance as an author: “And I’m so well-grounded, too!” Suddenly a bus zooms by and flattens him to the street!

Thur: Liz whining as usual. “Everyone gets a decent shot at love but me!” Suddenly, a crook runs by and shoots her in the brain.

Fri: The Olds. Gramps says, “Boxcar!” Suddenly, a tiger leaps into the open window, devouring both of them.

Sat: April drums her fingers. “I HATE being stuck in this cramped basement! Either way, I’m screwed! (Pause, looks left) …Is that Albert Pinkham Ryder…???”
Plaid Phantom
May 22nd, 2007 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

# 58 – He does. There’s the angry Hobbo, the scared Hobbo, the indifferent Hobbo, and said variations along with longbows.

That said, OOTS is one of my favorite strips.
cyberpersephone
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

The Arizona Daily Star is canceling Mary Worth. I always thought I’d be happy when this day came, but they’re not replacing her with anything good so I’m actually a little sad.
Luckily, they aren’t getting rid of the strip altogether until this storyline runs out so that should take about a year or so.
Dingo
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

I am a tree. Giver of life.

My days are spent soaking in the sweet rays of sunshine and converting carbon dioxide to oxygen. I give shade to passersby and homes to squirrels, birds, and the occasional hobo. Occasionally, I allow young canines to soil me. Children hang tires from me and swing until their outer thighs look like the loins of a Parisian streetwalker. I can tolerate more than a person could ever imagine.

But lately, I’ve had enough. I sit in front of the home of these incorrigible people who believe that their lives are the best possible. The father has a train that runs behind me. The mother covers me in yellow ribbons whenever the Labor party wins an election. The son found a hole in me early in life and used to leave this gooey sticky concoction inside of me that smelled like freshly mowed grass and asparagus but he’s stopped that now; instead, it’s the grandfather. The youngest daughter and her friend, Shawna-Marie, tore branches off of my arm and beat each other’s naked backside with them while chanting “roadside” at each other and giggling. I was able to tolerate it all.

Until today.

That gorgon of a mother was sitting on the steps of the house with her milquetoast husband and announced that I was to spend the next thirty years with her incorrigible son, his sweet but alcoholic wife, and two bratty children. I began thinking of what lay ahead for me and I began realizing that “asparagus boy” would be sitting beneath me to write out his novels. And… I decided to kill myself. I shook my roots and brought myself down upon the house. The only thing that would have been sweeter is if I had killed both of the dogs while I did it.

Perhaps a school system will use me to build desks for their students. Perhaps I’ll become part of a hunting lodge dining room with heads of wild beasts hanging from my boards. Perhaps I’ll become a cross for Lynn Johnston to hang herself upon. Whatever I become, death is better than continuing with the Pattersons.

For I am a tree. Giver of life.
Frank Parsnip
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

Dagwood: “I had a dream last night I was climbing a great big chocolate fudgecicle. I would climb up to the top, wrap my arms around it and put my tongue to the surface and then slide down. I kept doing that all night.”

Blondie: “I had the same dream.”
Squid Countess
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

#148 Motorpus Fantastic job! I sang it through twice. Just excellent.

Rex Morgan It makes absolutely no sense for Hugh to say, “She’s the governess!” He’s never known her as a governess; she was a nanny for the Morgans. He’s only known her as his father’s wife, and if somehow he didn’t know of her existence until just now, she was just now introduced to him as “Mrs. Avery.” So stupid. Clearly the strip creators should stick to drawing June’s breasts and authoring Rex’s barely concealed gay innuendoes.
Bobdog
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail: I think the mustached guy in the gray suit better not mention to the mustached guy in the left angled cordoury tan suit the giant white rabbit that finishes his sentences for him — otherwise the other guy might think he’s CRAZY. Or least, don’t mention the rabbit poops Jack Elrod balls.
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

# 223 — Jouster, next time I shall seriously consider faking instant recognition with the help of Google:-). My brother would have known that quote immediately.

On the other hand, if someone ever quotes JANE EYRE or ANNE OF GREEN GABLES on this site, I’ll know it. My eleven-year-old brain practically memorized those books. Embarrassing but true.
Poteet
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

# 231 — Yay Dingo! Let’s hear it for the tree! And of course Lynn depicted the tree as shattering like peanut brittle, which is extremely weird.
Ubiq
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

229 – Don’t forget Confused Hobgoblin with the mismatched eyes and raised eyebrow.

Still, it’s hard to beat Order of the Stick, which is why I’m gettting Start of the Darkness.

231 – That’s pretty awesome, but I think the last line would be better as “For I am a tree. Giver of life and taker of dreams.”
Vince M.
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

231 – I just love the descriptive power of the word ‘gorgon’ – it’s right up there with ‘harridan’ and ‘fishwife’!
Herro!
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

186 Spotted Horse, sorry, Paul is far too hot to be Harold Lauder. Lauder was a loser from the start, whereas Paul was just a nice guy who was set up and doomed from the beginning. Maybe Paul could be the Walkin’ Man’s right-hand man, Lloyd, the one who was stuck in prison and almost starved to death. Or he could be Larry, nice, good looking guy who’s just a little misguided.

You have forever won my heart by referencing my favorite book with a fair amount of knowledge.
AtomicDog
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

144 – Thanks for noticing; I can retire this gag now.

(I used it for a Mark Trail skunk but no one noticed; I think that everyone was jaded by familiarity with giant animals.)
Jeff
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:03 am [Reply]

#230 The Arizona Daily Sar also dumped Lio.
Spotted HÃ˜rse
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:06 am [Reply]

#2339 Herro! Of course you’re right. Paul should have been written innocent; as of now he amounts to burnt offerings. Man, it’s been years since I read the book, so I’m glad that you were tickled by this oddball notion I had. Now that I think about Harold Lauder, Granthony Caine IS Harold Lauder.
dale
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:17 am [Reply]

FunkyW – The post office mail box lobby might be open 24/7. It depends on the specific branch. One near me is open. Another locks up because they had a problem with homeless people camping there.
William Sommerwerck
May 23rd, 2007 at 7:29 am [Reply]

Uh… Why has no one pointed out that owls are nocturnal? The people writing this strip don’t seem to be aware of that fact.
Poteet
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

# 244 — Excellent point, William. And I’m pretty sure that snowshoe hares are only white in the winter, since being white in the summer would amount to a flashing sign saying “EAT ME.” But maybe we’re just being picky.
Goaty
May 23rd, 2007 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

APT3G — I need help. I think someone is dying. Or perhaps struggling for her very soul. Sure, I could pull out a cell phone and dial 911. But isn’t it more efficient to run into a local coffee shop and then start speaking in a foreign language?
Paul in NJ
May 24th, 2007 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

If I lived in a house which had a black rug in the living room — and only one lone chair — I think I’d go stark, staring mad. Not unlike Trixie, whose mental state from not having even a coffee table to haul herself up on is quite apparent.

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YOU WILL OBEY THE ’SHAFT

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