Metapost: Truncated, vacation-heralding comments of the week!
Hey, everybody! I’m leaving on a week-long vacation right about … now. But fear not! As I did in January, I’m leaving you in the capable hands of faithful reader and Comics Curmudgeon pinch hitter Uncle Lumpy. He promises to have all sorts of crazy stuff in store for you, so brace yourself! But because I am a selfish bastard, I hold fast for myself the right to put up the comment of the week, which I’m doing right about … now:
“June’s so tough, she doesn’t even have to put the mouthpiece by her mouth; the phone will listen anyway because it had better.” –commodorejohn
And also the runners-up!
“Tommie has apparently forgotten rule #1 of walking around in New York: pants.” –Inspector Dim
“I’m thrilled, however, that Drew still thinks of Vera as a ‘challenge’. Drew’s probably the kind of guy who finds challenges in opening jars of mayonnaise, or deciding what opaque pink wine to pair with his steak. Because the only ‘challenge’ that Vera has really thrown at him so far is delaying a dinner date and not immediately elaborating on how much sex she has with her brother.” –Andrea D & The Grandstanding Oddballs
“Even Rex Morgan talked June into being his
beardwife. Even Mark Trail agreed (albeit with a blindfold and a dart board) to find a mate after the perfunctory courtship ritual of dancing in a specific pattern before punching someone’s bearded face.” –True Fable“Mary certainly looks lovely with that demonic smile and the Wonder Bread wrapper outfit.” –MossMoses
“So I guess Pluggers aren’t just befuddled and lower-middle-class, they’re also old. They can remember a time when life was fun, the world seemed new, and their bowels were regular. And that’s just sad. When you think about it, they’re about halfway through the male-comics-character life cycle that leads from promise and possibility to impotence and decay: Dennis, Archie, Dagwood, Plugger, Lockhorn, They’ll-Do-It-Every-Timer, Crankshaft, mulch.” –BigTed
“Clearly, Batuik is doing a Mark Trail crossover here. The question, then, becomes: how will Elrod respond? The cartooner’s code of honor demands it. Look out Mark, here comes fist cancer.” –SmartPeopleOnIce
“I have finally realized why I have struggles in the romantic department. I DON’T HAVE A BAD-ASS GREEN SUIT. Problem solved. Look out ladies!” –AlmostAGhost
“Those three-year-old issues of Reader’s Digest were quite valuable to the doctor, though: After all, Laughter IS the Best Medicine.” –Ron Hogan
“You’re all missing the big picture with Slylock Fox — Smitty is obviously the only pure human being left after some alien virus has changed everybody else to anthropomorphic animals. He’s stealing the magazines (no doubt many years old) because they’re the only reminders he can find of a time before the world became an insane, talking-animal nightmare from which he cannot awaken. Heck, my pulse would be racing too.” –zadig
“I think that Shirley the Nervous and Brave transgendered duck may be Jack Elrod’s way of apologizing to duckdom for his last portrayal of an individual duck. If you recall, its entire plot line consisted of dying in the act of blinding a large-breasted woman and then having Mark Trail go through its entrails to find out what it had eaten recently.” –The Divine O’F
“I don’t have a problem with RMMD. I can always tell when the action heats up because everyone is on the phone.” –gh
“On paper, I’m sure it makes sense. ‘Rex is a closeted doctor who gets snippy and depressed whenever he’s had to go more than two weeks without a good round of “golf.” June’s a suburban ice maiden who lives each day as though it’s her last chance to tell everyone around her how they’re getting in her way. Together, they fight crime!’ But in actuality, because Rex is so goddamn passive and June is so self-absorbed, they really don’t fight crime. Instead, they just kind of mill around crime, looking at it disdainfully and treating it like it’s the overfull garbage can their neighbor brought out to the curb two full days before trash pickup day; they won’t do anything about it, but they’ll be damned if they’ll go back inside for dinner until they’re sure that everyone’s seen how very unhappy they are with what has been done.” –Trilobite
“This week is Exhibit A for why we keep reading Apartment 3-G, folks. I defy anyone to name something more riveting than a week of third-string character Nora Mills going to the bank and then driving home. I defy them!” –Darkefang
I’ll be back on the evening of Sunday September 9. Till then, be nice to your favorite Uncle!
Islamorada Girl
August 31st, 2007 at 8:13 am
I, for one, welcome our alien invaders, I mean vice-pope, Uncle Lumpy!
What have ya got for us, Unca? Huh? What did ya bring us?
benro
August 31st, 2007 at 8:21 am
Josh takes a week vacation.
Family Circus Fan convention in Surprise, AZ.
Coincidence?
Tweeks_Coffee
August 31st, 2007 at 8:24 am
#2 – benro: Well, he did just say yesterday that he has a favorite kind of family Circus. Plus it revolved around, Jeffy. He’s probably hanging his Jeffy Is God banner as we speak.
Eau de Plugger
August 31st, 2007 at 8:26 am
#2 – Josh has likely been called in to rescue rat…or bring him a new diaper…or both.
Have fun Josh…and if you run into the Shocker on your vaca, start wiggling uncontrollably.
Non-Shannon
August 31st, 2007 at 8:27 am
All glory to the Hypno-Toad! I mean, Uncle Lumpy!
Chloe The Cat
August 31st, 2007 at 8:28 am
Congrats to all the people on the float. You guys are so funny. Laughter IS the best medicine.
Gagott68
August 31st, 2007 at 8:28 am
GF: Looks like Darby is getting ready for the CC cross-merchandising campaign.
Anonymous
August 31st, 2007 at 8:29 am
Blondie – Asshole or non-asshole section?
RMMD – Perhaps you’d like to remove some constricting clothing?
Luann – What you said! Oh, wait – nobody gives a shit about something like that these days. Now if li’l Loonie talked like an angel when teacher’s ’round, but when he’s gone it’s like if that m&^$&%@# thinks he’s gonna flunk me by pullin’ this s^%$, he’s tripin’ cuz I’m gonna f*^*% him up. OH YEAH. Ut oh, I’m slipping into TDIET.
Pluggers – A plugger sticks a donut on his dick, and has his anthropomorphic dog-lady neighbor eat it off him. Oh, and they know absolutely nothing about golf or golf terminology.
FC – Billy – Or jerk me off!
Artist formerly known as Ben
August 31st, 2007 at 8:32 am
Congratulations to commodore john and the runners up (now there’s a band name.)
And now, 8/31
A3G: When Tommie’s smilin’, when Tommie’s smilin’, the whole world shrinks in terror.
S-M: I’m sure the cop with liquefied organs is glad that those two good citizens are standing around talking shop.
SFx: However, Slylock also knows that bats are filthy, disease ridden flying vermin. And so he turned Baxter over to the police, saying “Don’t be shy with the rubber hose.” Meanwhile, Max formulated the theory of gravity.
OBH: No wonder crunchy art lady froze up. She just found herself in the world within Ruthie’s mind, and it’s not a pretty place.
FC: Billy is about to give PJ the whitest soul shake in history.
PBS: And speaking of the Keane’s, I love the way Pastis has exposed the Cult of Jeffy today. It’s funny because it’s terrifying.
Marvin: Marvin’s parents sock him away in a playpen so he won’t get in trouble. Then they hand him a cell phone so he can run up their bill, despite not being able to talk aloud. Smart. They’re trying to pass it off as rehab, but I say no, no, no!
benro
August 31st, 2007 at 8:37 am
#7 – My post may have been lost in the sea of Cassandra Cat comments. Some of the GF Monkeywhere? collection is now available on Cafe Press.
Krazy Kat
August 31st, 2007 at 8:39 am
Have I mentioned lately how much Dean Booth’s work make me laugh?
Gagott68
August 31st, 2007 at 8:39 am
S-M: So THE SHOCKER could have stiffed someone? He seems unclear on the concept.
Tracey
August 31st, 2007 at 8:47 am
This FOOB related article was in my local paper this morning. It’s either the world’s longest COTW candidate, or Lynn Johnston is completely certifiable.
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070831/ENT05/708310314/1035
And what is a butter tart? I thought about looking it up on Wikipedia, but the answer frightens me more than not knowing it.
CrabbyGenes
August 31st, 2007 at 8:48 am
We’ll miss you, Josh. But, YAY, UNCLE LUMPY!!
(I said on an earlier thread that I am sick. I am, but just now I am feeling a little better.)
Godzooky
August 31st, 2007 at 8:50 am
Whoops, just about finished off the Cassandra thread. A few S-M bug-a-boos to get out of my system:
1. The bank’s brick walls have no excuse for falling. The only damage shown inside was the basement-level bank vault door. He may zap the security guards, but Shocker has no reason to blast the bank structure, if for no other reason than to avoid burying himself inside.
2. JJJ and Maria Lopez caught the news of the bank robbery on police scanners, but they’re the only reporters in sight, even though this is supposed to be freakin’ L.A. Where are the radio, newspaper, and other TV reporters? Hell, “E.T.” and “Access Hollywood” would be all over this.
3. Actually, as headliners on news magazine shows, JJJ and Ms. Lopez have no reason to be there, either. Station management would send lower-level correspondents to do the grunt work reporting, especially in a risky situation.
4. Considering the police got the initial reports, sent it over the scanner, and both JJJ and Ms. Lopez had enough time to fight through L.A. traffic to get to the bank while Shocker is still there, how could only one cop on foot show up?
5. Finally, Shocker’s getaway vehicle is a convertible with a lowered top which he is driving in full quilted costume with metal gloves. Even if he can somehow steer properly, isn’t that just a better target for the other cops if and when they do show up?
Joe
August 31st, 2007 at 8:50 am
FC: Gawd. Talk about 47 years of wasted ink…..
FW: I want to pimp-slap that stupid cat and send it tumbling across the counter and onto the floor. That cat looks creepy. Batuik, you suck.
FOOB: “Oh, here April, here’s some butter-tarts. Now stuff your face like a good little Patterfoob. Gotta work on that rear-end, its too cute. It needs more flab. And I don’t care what you did at the farm, just eat. Don’t think, just eat. EAT. Good girl. And don’t even think of going to school to be a veterinarian, successful careers for Patterfoob women are not allowed. Your brother, St. Michael, married his childhood sweetheart, Dee. Now, she did have a career as a pharmacist, but we took care of that! Got her married and preggers right away, yes-sir-ee. Got her knocked up and strapped down at home, as a Patterfoob woman should be. Her twat is sooo stretched out now, she will never enjoy sex again. Sex is only for making children, honey. Remember, Michael and Dee have only had sex twice. Michael will soon be passed the crown of King Foob, yes-sir-ee. As for your sister, Elizabeth, well, my work is aaaalllllmost done with her. She is going to marry Anthony, her childhood sweetheart, settle down and have kids. Mark my words, she will be preggers the morning after the wedding, so she can give up teaching and wipe baby butts. Just like a good Patterfoob woman should. She will have sex only twice as well. As for you, my dear, sweet April, I already have Gerald picked out for you. But he needs work. I will make sure he’s an even bigger fool than Anthony. When all my children are living across the street from and I have at least two grandchildren in each household, then my work shall be complete……..”
Lynngineering
August 31st, 2007 at 8:51 am
(repost, sorry just had to)
FBOFW: Wait a minute, I wasn’t focusing, there’s more to this coma at work than I give credit for. Michael is indeed keeping the thread attached to April’s summer as he powers-up the food cycle:
First April is told she was a horse’s ass.
Now back home, whether the family is ready or not, over family dinner April vows she is going to deliver on her experiences, exposing the adult guts within her. But Mom is readied by Michael, she proactively counters, catching April off-guard with the sweet “honey” to deliver her a you-are-what-you-eat analogy: tarts, as in butter tarts. Or dream-wise turned into: her butt tarts, the ingredient that is turning April into one of the Patterson woman….
…and their accoutrement: a horse’s ass
gh
August 31st, 2007 at 8:53 am
Has someone done this already? Shirley, someone has already done this. Dingo? I don’t care. I’m doing it anyway. Lo, these many weeks I’ve been museless, what with Margo hibernating or sleeping off her coke binge. But the clouds have lifted! Thank you, Bob Weber, Jr. Leonard Bernstein [many people don’t know this about him] was a huge Cassandra Cat fan, and thoughtfully provided the music.
(spoken)
Cassandra . . .
(sings)
The most beautiful cat that ever purred:
Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra. . .
All the beautiful sounds of a lie that is just absurd. .
Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra. . .
Cassandra!
I’ve just met a cat named Cassandra,
And suddenly her claim
That she is not to blame
Fools me.
Cassandra!
I’ve just played the rube to Cassandra,
And suddenly I’ve found
Fish skeletons abound
For me!
Cassandra!
Say it loud and there’s her machete,
Say it soft and she purrs “Are you ready?”
Cassandra,
I’ll never stop saying Cassandra!
[I know this belongs on the last thread, but this one came up whilst I was composing.]
benro
August 31st, 2007 at 9:00 am
One of our cats actually resembles Cassandra, and also shares her disregard for the law.
Our Boarding House with Major Hoople
August 31st, 2007 at 9:03 am
Those who want a male version of a hunk ‘o lust – Seth from 9CWL. He might be gay. but he’s still studly.
CrabbyGenes
August 31st, 2007 at 9:05 am
to Herro, True Fable, and Big Sims,
Left a comment for you people at #259 on the Cassandra thread. Please check!
And Big Sims, haven’t heard from you. If you’d rather just continue as we are (Mudgies!), that’s fine. Really! Just let me know!
Maughta
August 31st, 2007 at 9:32 am
Oh Josh, why hast thou forsaken us? Well, okay, you’ve left us in good hands…maybe you’ve just ’saken us?
Squid Countess
August 31st, 2007 at 9:37 am
Yay, Divine O’F!!1!1!! And extremely well-deserved, my dear. That was no honorable COTWru award – that was damn funny! I still think Shirley should be called Glenorglenda.
Also many congrats to Commodore John and the other winners – I especially loved Inspector Dim’s “pants” comment – made me laugh the first time I saw it, made me laugh today. Trilobite’s comment about Rex and June doing nothing to solve a problem, but refusing to go inside until everyone knows they are very displeased, has rocked my world. Yes! I work with so many of these people! They’ll get annoyed about a situation, yet equally annoyed with me for suggesting a course of action to help resolve the situation. Now I see they just want everyone to note their displeasure before they go in to dinner.
BTW- Only Spotted Horse and True Fable responded to my comment that I used the “Find your perfect lover’s name” ad on Comics Curmudgeon, and it turned out to be gh TrueRedLumpyBrickHorseWille. That’s not like you, Red. =)
bats :[
August 31st, 2007 at 9:43 am
Gagott and benro: that Hot Cup o’ Monkey doesn’t quite look like Conley’s image, and there’s nothing saying that it’s associated with him or Get Fuzzy. I’m a little leery of this, that someone might be trying to cash in on the monkey-wagon…
bats :[
August 31st, 2007 at 9:54 am
9. Artist: I think Sherlock is covering his butt by getting Baxter out of the picture. Foxes are becoming an important rabies vector, a place once dominated by bats and mad dogs, and promulgating the “Chiropteran Threat” gets the heat taken off of Mr. Bushy Tail.
13. Tracey: good article. I like Mallett’s commentary, and the overall tone of refusing to let new artists in by running old, dead comics. That’s what book collections are for, or internet sites. Let the new kids play!
Butter tarts a la Foob: the Wiki article (or maybe some here) says these are similar to pecan pie, minus the pecans. Oh, lord. I find the only tolerable thing about pecan pie is the pecans; the rest is a cloying mess that you might as well have an insulin injection in place when you begin chowing down on a piece.
Have fun on the COTW float folks (little do they realize that the float will have a prominent place at the Family Circus convention parade this weekend…)
odinthor
August 31st, 2007 at 9:54 am
PBS — Sniffle . . . Saguaro cacti . . . correctly located in Arizona . . . [dabs at eyes] . . . This . . . and the Cassandra Cat T-shirt . . . sniffle . . . almost too much joy . . . And the new “Let’s Hole” T-shirt over at engrish.com too, so we have something to send The Shocker for Christmas . . . [heavy sigh of complete satisfaction]. Life is sweet . . . sniffle . . . [dab] . . .
GT — “I got what I came for: Physical pain, and a feeling of being dominated. You know what that does to me, Gil?” “Well, Bill–I think I can see what it does to you! . . . [Long, awkward silence.] . . . Like to do some sparring?”
gh
August 31st, 2007 at 10:03 am
Yay, commodorejohn! And I’m thrilled to be on the float with everyone — what Squid Countess said about Trilobite’s comment can’t be topped.
#1 Islamorada Girl –
Last time we got ice cream!
##14 CrabbyGenes –
Sick sucks. Maybe the ice cream will help.
#23 Squid Countess –
What?? When?? Where??
New thread, I suspect it’s UL. Gotta run!
Helena Handbasket
August 31st, 2007 at 10:14 am
#25 Hold the phone, if I’m reading you correctly, that means Ellie’s usual choice would be the equivalent of pecan pie with raisins instead of pecans?! That is wrong on so many levels that my taste buds are pulling themselves from my tongue and running away screaming.
SmartPeopleOnIce
August 31st, 2007 at 10:19 am
Congrats CJ and the runners-up (and I think Transgendered Duck would be a great name for a band. Or a Missouri Wine).
And w00T me! I gots on the float! (I knew buying all that virgin’s blood on eBay was a sound investment).
AlmostAGhost
August 31st, 2007 at 10:47 am
great! i don’t comment that much, but when i do mention my romantic troubles, it gets memorialized forever as a COTW runnerup. ah well i’ll take it. :)
have a nice vacation josh!
Tracey
August 31st, 2007 at 11:20 am
#25: A pecan pie minus the pecans? And the Patterfoobs toss raisins in it, too? It’s way more twisted in Canada then I realized, and it’s just across the border from me. Knew there was a reason I rarely go over there.
#16: Joe, you’ve summed up the Foobs so perfectly. I’d bow in worship, but I’m too busy cleaning the spit take coffee stains off my monitor and shirt.
Poteet
August 31st, 2007 at 11:22 am
Congratulations, commodorejohn! And you runners-up deeply deserve your places on the float. Yay for all!
Andrea D and The Grandstanding Oddballs
August 31st, 2007 at 12:03 pm
So, butter tarts are this weird Canadian thing that my relatives force on us. Sort of like small, ultra-sweet mincemeat pies. They’re even mentioned in a couple Canadian songs.
I’ve personally never had them without raisins, though, and I second April’s opinion on the nastiness of raisins in baked goods.
bees on pie
August 31st, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Yay! Way to go, commodorejohn!
commodorejohn
August 31st, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Woot! COTW! And major congratulations to my crew of runners-up – I honestly think that “pants” line should’ve won.
Snark later, when I get home from class.
BangPowOuch
August 31st, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Delightful! An even better comment crop than usual!
alamo
August 31st, 2007 at 8:17 pm
congrats. a tip of the old alamo dome topper to all.
Jack Parsons
September 4th, 2007 at 12:58 am
9: AFKAB: Amy Winehouse’s dad is asking people not to buy her records because she reeeeeaaaaallly needs to go to rehab. Damn shame: she’s good. I’m not into her genre and I still like her.
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