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Mostly toilet jokes

Dennis the Menace, 4/12/12

Yes, ha ha, Dennis tried to annoy Mr. Wilson while Mr. Wilson was going to the bathroom and Mrs. Wilson actually prevented this from happening for once. But wouldn’t it be a million times more awesome if Mr. Wilson had actually snapped and decided he was one of history’s more obscure kings (Louis XI of France, say, known to his people as “the Universal Spider”), had purchased a throne on eBay, and was currently sitting on it in his living room, barking out deranged orders to his nonexistent subjects? It would be a million times more menacing than anything Dennis had ever done, unless you count Dennis’ undoubted contribution to his insanity as the root menacing cause of the situation.

Luann, 4/12/12

In case you’re wondering, Luann has taken a break from its queasy-making storylines about teen sexuality in order to treat us to a queasy-making storyline in which Crystal tries to pee while Knute and Gunther stand right next to her stall and Gunther admires her shoes. (You may consider this to in fact be yet another queasy-making storyline about teen sexuality, but for reasons of my own mental health I am trying very hard not to do so.)

Mark Trail, 4/12/12

“Wait, no, that emphasis is kind of stilted, right? Let me try … ‘We are already here — surprise!’ Yeah, that sounds much more naturalistic. OK, mister, can you say your sentence again? Try to still act surprised when I yell surprise, it makes it more fun.”

Shoe, 4/12/12

“Ha ha, get it, because old people are old, like fossils are old? Old people? Ha ha? Seriously, though, I’m having lots of trouble pooping, so hand over the prune juice pronto.”

Ziggy, 4/12/12

The Home Shopping Network is a for-profit business whose margins depend on its operators taking customers’ payment information as efficiently as possible. They can’t afford to talk to sad, hairless gnome-men calling just because they’re lonely and need to hear another human being’s voice.

294 responses to “Mostly toilet jokes”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    DtM — Alice Mitchell smiles wanly to herself as her son repeats yet another “adorable” malapropism told to him by Beach Boy Brian Wilson’s senile Aunt Martha. One thought — and one thought only — keeps Alice from stabbing Dennis in the heart with her garden trowel: Gawd, I freaking hate having to put up with this kid’s shit 24/7. But it’ll all be worth it in the end if I can get my hands on some of George Wilson’s Special House Blend* to sprinkle on my prize-winning rose bushes.

    *Coffee grounds… COFFEE GROUNDS!!! (Geez, what a bunch of pervs!!!)

  2. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MW: It figures that Mary is one of those annoying people who always have something to serve to guests when they come by: a nice slice of frozen Sara Lee White Pie, or some Pepperidge Farms YellowMounds, with a steaming cup of “?” Whereas if Nola dropped by my house, she’d get a shot of bourbon, a handful of peanut M&Ms, and a barrage of nosy questions about whether “The Prez” manscapes.

    MT: One would think that a story about pot growers would be a perfect opportunity for Elrod to put some facial hair on his bad guys. But noooo—these guys are as clean-cut as a bunch of gator smugglers.

  3. Mumblix Grumph
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Ziggy…of course they won’t take your calls, your phone has been disconnected since 1987. Oh, and the TV is out too. Those voices telling you to buy stuff are from the Classified Ad section on the next page.

  4. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    MT-Say guys, do you hear banjo music?

    JP-April predicts how her lawyer is going to die. The only question is will it be in the gas chamber or suicide.

    RMMD-Iris, June is subtly saying that she wants to have sex with you.

  5. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Stoney RockAxe, yesterday #208- in Todd the Dinosaur, “all’s veal that ends veal”

  6. KreatureFeatures
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MT: Ranger Tom Martin had to rack his brains to identify the plants, and now he’s an expert on the subtle signs of harvestability? Plus, he’s talking to himself, and he seems to have forgotten his dinner appointment at the Trail cabin. All definite signs of THC poisoning. Luckily, Mark Trail has the antidote – a haymaker to the chin.

  7. Gabba Gabba
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    …unless you count Dennis’ undoubted contribution to his insanity…

    As non-menacing and barely annoying as Dennis is, I’ve simply come to the conclusion that the germ of Mr. Wilson’s hatred of the boy is within Mr. Wilson. I can’t account for what trauma or drama has caused George to fixate on this one flaxen-haired neighborhood child — perhaps he’s simply jealous of the affection his wife displays for the boy — but it can’t at root be Dennis’s brand of tepid menace.

  8. Hogenmogen
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    RMMD: That novel is fascinating! Interesting! Descriptive! It could possibly be made into a movie!

    This book review has been brought to you by Herb & Jamaal, generic generalists in general.

  9. Mumblix Grumph
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Ok…there’s a hot girl in the bathroom stall squatting with her bare buttocks less than 4 feet away and Gunther is all about the shoes.

    Gay as an Easter bonnet.

  10. sporknpork
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    So many pooping jokes! Is this a late April Fools switcheroo where Tom Armstrong writes everyone else’s strips?

  11. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    And the connection of the selection of today’s colllection: SCHEISS!
    DtM: merde
    Luann: poop in a group
    Zig: new remake of old movie- “Its a Shitty Life”
    and MT: Ranger dude just shitting bricks

  12. Hogenmogen
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    MT: Those pot farmers could have just waited for Ranger Tom Martin to leave, then done their harvesting and made an escape. Taking a prisoner is extra baggage.

    They could just shoot him, but then why bother introducing themselves first?

  13. pugfuggly
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    Luann It’s got to be tough out there for that small minority who fetishizes both urine and women’s shoes, never getting the pop culture recognition they fully deserve. Here’s hoping this is a watershed moment….or would that be a ur-…

    MT “This stuff looks about ready to harvest: the fruit has softened and the silk is dry….that’s how this stuff works, right?”

    FW In today’s cultural lexicon, Wonder Woman isn’t so much a ‘goddess’ as a ‘huge gay icon’. Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something…

    MW OOO! Now Nola is going to do her Brando. “But now that I can see, I’m going to make them an offer they can’t refuse…”

  14. Pozzo
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    “Would you like some anti-depressants in your prune juice? ‘Cause I got the hook-up.”

  15. Alfred E. Neuman
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    A3G— I called this one even though it was utterly predictable. Here it is anyway.

    Today’s strip, from two days ago!

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#152yy) said: “A3G— If the dim-witted Scott can’t figure out what goes in a nursery without consulting someone as inexpert about babies as Margo, one can only imagine what’s in his wine cellar. Nevertheless, he will try to impress her with a very expensive namesake wine that he bought in response to an email, a Chatu Margo from the Bored-o region of Nigeria.”

    At least Scott got out a crayon or marker pen and spelled the name correctly on the label, which otherwise bears no resemblance to the real thing. Margo’s ego is now so engorged that she won’t notice. Scott is feeling some engorgement of a different sort.

  16. Snowshoecat
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    JP– is April giving BOTH gas cards to her lawyer? If one is good for a lifetime’s worth of petrol, why would he need two?

    MW– “Amaaaaaaziiiing Graaaaaaaace”

  17. worried volvox
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Am I wrong, or is it just getting easierer and easierer to SNARK the comics?
    Even PBS, why do the 2 alligator dipwads need to FACE each other to talk on cellphones?

  18. S. Stout
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    DtM: Be careful NA Syndicate, mentally retarded children is Keane’s gag.

    Luann: Gunther, it’s about time to ask that part of you “that knows” for a second opinion on your sexuality.

    Ziggy: Please HSN, he’s just trying to buy some pants. Why won’t anyone sell him some pants?

  19. bbofun
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    I’m sure someone has mentioned this before- but how the hell is the lifetime gas card suppose to work? It’s not like the sheikh (or whatever he is) OWNS Exxon (or Shell, or even Crown). Is it just a credit card that he’s going to pay? What happens if he sees a charge from somewhere that’s NOT a gas station? Another Busty Assassin(TM)(oh pleasepleaseplease)?

  20. Illustrator Steve
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    MT – “THAT’s right mister, We are ALREADY here, SURPRISE!”
    “I did not know that UPS delivered in this backwoods region of MY AREA! Oh my, This certainly IS a surprise! Did you fellows come all the way out here to deliver a parcel to me?”
    “YEAH mister, we got yer parcel right here!”

  21. Señor Tortilla
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Luann: Why is every guy in Luann (except for Brad, who’s got bigger problems) is creepy and ambiguously gay? Every…one! That makes no sense!

    FW: @pugfuggly (#13): Batiuk hails from the days when there was only ONE female superhero.

    (More snark soon)

  22. minus273 kelvin
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    FunkoBeansky… give Batuik a break here, at least a small one. Unless you were your HS Kingpin, you were probably bullied by some dickhead or, maybe more than one. I was not Kingpin.
    But only a week or so ago, the Wall Street Journal, obviously where all the dickheads ended up, said that bullying was virtually nonexistent.
    Okay, wonderwomans boobs are over the top

  23. minus273 kelvin
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Or maybe we’d LIKE them to be

  24. Little Blue Bicycle
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Gomer: “That’s right Mister…we are already here. Surprise Surprise Surprise!”

  25. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @crazy fungus (#5): Good one, cf. But I’m still disappointed that TODD didn’t do (doo doo?) a dinosaur poop joke today.

  26. Marc
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Luann- Alright enough already, we get it. Knute is obsessive compulsive about bathrooms, Gunther is gay, and Crystal’s deep existential angst will not allow her to shit when other people are around.

    Funky- I’d love to know what it is about the Specialest Snowflake that he thinks makes he a God? Is it the smug, self-righteous attitude? Perhaps the fact that she really, really looks like a guy? Or maybe he’s just really turned on by chicks who wear pants that don’t quite reach their ankles?

    Mark Trail- So Ranger Tom Martin could see that Marijuana was growing in the forest from an aerial photo taken with a polaroid camera from 1,000 ft in the air but he couldn’t see the goddam hut in the clearing?

    Mary Worth- I’d like to examine Nola’s statement in panel 2 for just a second. “I was only interested in getting more for myself…wheter I wanted it or not!” Well why the hell would you go after all of it then if you didn’t really want it? Normally people don’t actively pursue things, especially the way Nola did if they don’t really want them. So what you’re saying is that you really didn’t want a promotion, actually don’t like sex, and are better off miserable and poor like you were before your ambition took over? Now you say you’re donating the rest of your money and becoming a charter member of the Church of Rev. Johnny Thomas?

    9CL- Between the toilet talk in Luann and the decrepit Nazi sex in 9CL, I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever be able to eat again.

    Curtis- Continuity error alert! Hellspawn Barry hates Michelle. Under no circumstances would he be the one feeling remorse for her. The dialogue was probably switched. And now I’m going to jump off a bridge for knowing this much about Curtis.

  27. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MT-When Ranger Tom Martin doesn’t show up at Mark’s place for dinner, Mark will set out and look for him. “Perhaps the first place I shall look down by the river where those guys grow that wonderful tobacco that helps me deal with living with Cherry and that thing that is named Rusty. Of course with Rusty I hope it is a drug induced hallucination. Nothing that ugly looking could be human.”

  28. Illustrator Steve
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    MT – In today’s panel #2, the jackellrod ball magically transports Ranger Tom into an article in the April 1956 Boy’s Life magazine on how to build an emergency lean-to shelter while lost in the woods.

  29. S. Stout
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#21):

    Because Evans is creepy and ambiguously gay? It would explain a lot everything.

  30. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Stoney RockAxe #25- you’re right on, but just imagine a bunch of BIRDNESTS going thru his little 7 year old digestive system (2 or 3 so days ago). THAT would be some crunchy poo!

  31. Spiff Bereft
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    LuAnn: As if Gunther’s going to admit he knows the smell of Crystal’s urine anywhere. Unlike an encyclopedic knowledge of ladies shoes, that would seem weird.

  32. Digger
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Luann: Knute is standing there with a TJ-like grin as he anticipates the thrill of hearing Crystal’s urine ringing off the porcelain. Even with the revelation of this disturbing new fetish he remains more likable than most of the characters in this strip.

  33. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Marc #26- re MT, this is a “suspend disbelief” sequence. Or suspend all logic, apparently.

  34. Windier E. Megatons
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    There are a lot of reasons why 9 Chickweed Lane is intensely frustrating to read on a day to day basis, but number one has to be the prolonged dithering, which is easier to ignore when coasting through its archives. What other strip would set up three significant conflicts for its main character, then abruptly ignore them to focus on the sex life of a couple in their late 80s for more than a week? GET BACK TO THE FUCKING PLOT.

  35. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Especially where stereo airphotos distort vertically about 10x, that tent had to look like the BIGTOP. So where’s Peewee?

  36. Comcis Fan
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    I only read Luann now on CC; I actually let Josh read it so I don’t have to. Therefore I don’t know/remember who Crystal is, much less why she’s in the boys’ bathroom. Is she testing theories about wide stances?

  37. Crankenstank
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Ziggy has once again confused The “Home Shopping” Network with “Phone Sex Line”, which is understandable given he is probably the only person left in America who exclusively watches UHF broadcast television.

  38. Alfred E. Neuman
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Luann— Tomorrow’s strip, today! Guest writer, Tom Batiuk!

    [Teacher enters restroom]
    Teacher: “You’re in trouble!”
    Knute: “Not me. Crystal’s the one having urine trouble.”
    [Smirks all around.]

  39. Windier E. Megatons
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    You really do have to love how polite all the bad guys are in Mark Trail. “That’s right, Mister!” Really, pot-growing guy with a gun? You feel the need for formal titles when about to take a hostage?

  40. Dennis Jimenez
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    DtM – An’ the ever present plunger is his septer….

    Luann – I wannna work in something about glory holes….

    MT – So, doper II will take the tie, and seamlessly replace rough and ready Mark, with laid-back and slacker Mark, mystifying everyone as the real Mark languishes in the bambo tiger cages of the Lost Forest mary jane ring – yes, they actually call themselves the mary jane ring because on Saturday afternoons they all don mary janes and a have a tea party – Mark included….

    Shoe – Seniors are full’a shit….

    Ziggy – I can imagine no big button phone that would allow you to accurately dial….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  41. Swordsmith
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    FW: Crystal needed to use the loo so urgently that she elected to co-opt Knute into standing guard so she could use the gent’s. But instead of standing guard outside the door, in the hall, he’s elected to hold the stall door closed for her.

    Here’s the thing about stall doors; they prevent other people in the bathroom from seeing into the stall. But if Knute did his job correctly, there wouldn’t BE any other people in the room, so no need for said door.

    Gunther’s entrance illustrates this point perfectly.

  42. Vanya
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @Windier E. Megatons (#34): It’s even worse than that. Brooke can’t even be bothered to focus on the sex life of a couple in their late 80s, it is now the story of a couple in their late 80s remembering the sex life they had 50 years ago.

  43. TheDiva
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Luann: Continually raising the bar on squicky teen behavior since 1985.

    MT: This hostage situation is eventually going to devolve into eating Doritos and watching Alice in Wonderland, isn’t it?

    Ziggy: Back in the day I worked at a phone center answering calls for Ticketmaster and the Home Shopping Network. The calls for the latter were interesting–about once a week I would field one from some pervy soul who asked what kind of underwear I was wearing or insisted on telling me his predilection for wearing women’s clothing. I always wondered what kind of pathetic excuse for a human being couldn’t even spring for a decent phone sex line and had to get their kicks calling up random operators and talking dirty to them. Now I know.

    A3G: Here’s a fun trick: try grasping a full bottle of wine using only the fingertips of one hand like Scott is doing in panel one. You might not want to do it with the expensive Bordeaux, however.

    C’shaft: The crab apple don’t fall far from the tree, Cranky.

    FW: Dear Tom Batiuk: never, ever attempt to draw Wonder Woman again. Sincerely, TheDiva.

    MW: Mary wonders why the steam coming out of her coffee cup suddenly has the color and density of merengue.

    Pluggers still can’t afford a car, let alone gas to put in it.

    SM: Another fun trick: dress up in full-body spandex and run around a hospital ER yelling about traveling between dimensions. Make sure you’re not allergic to any sedatives first.

  44. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @Gabba Gabba (#7):
    Your moniker reminds me of Howard Stern in his movie “Private Parts”, when he puts the Ramones on and starts chanting “Hey, gabba gabba hey gabba goo…”

    What did I tell you all yesterday – Sam got the gas! Wish something like that would happen to me, except that I really don’t want to devolve into a smug prick in order for people to give me stuff.

    And in Marvin, the dog has plenty of free gas as well. What is this, day four?

  45. Chareth Cutestory
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Luann: I recognized her shoes from the 4chan thread about women’s feet shown in bathroom stalls–I mean, nothing, uhhh, nothing!

  46. thegatwickview
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    So Mark Trail doesn’t recognize marijuana but knows when it is ready to harvest? I guess that’s why they call it “dope”.

  47. TheDiva
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    @Vanya (#42): But it’s not about sex! That’s all in the dirty minds of the Puritanical beefwits who can’t see the pure artistic value of two half-naked people embracing in bed.

  48. Droopy Says
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#41): Gunther counts as “people”?

  49. Señor Tortilla
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Sounds like the guy in spandex needs to be hospitalized, too.

  50. Hibbleton
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    MT: Their hostage plans were foiled by a grayed-haired, old lady and a dim-witted waitress when they take Ranger Tom Martin out for ice cream at the local, seaside diner.

    MW: What’s with Mary’s STFU look in panel 3?

  51. Mark B.
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#2): Yep, the lack of facial hair on the marijuana growers’ faces is a clear indication that this is some sort or research project. The reason the growers are carrying weapons is to make sure no hippies come in to interfere with their research.

  52. Mark B.
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    JP: Geez, I hope nobody pulls Sam Driver’s finger about now.

  53. Bill Peschel
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    I’m so confused. And enraged. Comix is hard!

    What is the punchline in Arlo and Janis? (I see by the comments I’m not the only one.)

    Doesn’t Crankshaft’s awful daughter realize rain-barrel buckets come with hose attachments?

    Don’t those UPS clowns in “Mark Trail” realize you’re supposed to open with “SURPRISE!” instead of end your sentence with it? Are we on the Bizarro planet all of a sudden?

    The day “Gil Thorpe” is the sanest strip on the page means “Idiotocracy” is a lot closer than we think.

  54. Stroker Ace
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    DtM – Rejected caption: “When did Mr. Wilson become a queen? Mrs. Wilson says he’s in the bathtub with the plumber.”

  55. Mibbitmaker
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#4): “Say, guys, do you hear banjo music?”

    More like sitar music, actually…

  56. Austria
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    FW: Making up for the lack of queasy teen sexuality in Luann.

    MT: Man alive, I’ll never get tired of the “SURPRISE!!”s this strip loves to throw out.

    RMMD: That face. That face is fantastic. I love Iris. I love Drunk Iris. Never stop.

  57. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Luann: Oh, great. Now Gunther’s not going to be able to go because there’s a girl in the boys’ room. We’ll get to see him grabbing at his crotch again.

    Zits: Ask her about the pie.

  58. IanH
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#36): She’s Tiffany’s sarcastic goth friend.

    FW: Oh, I see where this is going. Batiuk is trying to squelch rumors that Summer is gay by introducing this guy who’s going to end up being her boyfriend. Very predictable.

  59. btown
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    If one of those weed growers is named Bud, and he kills Ranger Tom Martin, would his homeys all start calling him “Killer Bud”?

  60. Dood
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Shoe: Yep, nothin’ like prune juice to loosen up the ol’ cloaca.

  61. Santa Royale With Cheese
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    MT: Seems to me a whole lot of people in this strip could avoid unnecessary conflict with the discovery of the thought bubble.

  62. Chip Whittle
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Barney Google: Is “Loiterin’” the charming Hootin’ Holler dialect for “loitering”, or is it the charming Hootin’ Holler dialect for “littering”, and oh my God I’m wondering about the subtleties of Hootin’ Holler dialect.

    Judge Parker: Finally a male character’s eyes audibly go “boing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing” and it turns out to be over seeing an upside-down charge card.

    Mandrake: “We each have a section of the Lost Chord! Fate has decreed this…brought us together with the perfect pipe organ to play it upon! And so we can destroy the Earth!” “We live on the Earth.” “Curses! Foiled again!”

    Mark Trail: “Uh-oh…someone is already here! And they’re building a Malay kampung village from the early 20th century! This cannot be allowed! We won’t reach the early 20th century for another 35 years!”

    Is Medical Marihuana Lex Luthor there holding a pair of sticks tied together? That’s so charmingly old-school of him.

    Spider-Man: “She just got back from Asgard, and crossing the barrier between the worlds was too much for her!” “From Asgard! Why, this costumed radioactive spider-based superhero is talking nonsense! Let’s ignore him and get back to the people injured by the Skrull army lead by Doctor Doom employing the Kree Psycho-Magnetron!”

    Zippy the Pinhead: “I landed inside a Nancy strip! … I traded surreal obscurity for mainstream popular acceptance, if it’s still 1948!

  63. Dood
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: You know, for a couple of stoners, those guys did a nice job laying out and preparing their campsite with their neatly set up tent, coffee on the firepit and the ax nicely embedded in the manicured log.

  64. debussy fields
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    FC– “No, Grandma still cuts it up for me, but Mommy cuts it up for me way better!”

  65. The Ghost of Jarrod
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    JP – It’s so nice to see Sam Driver finally rewarded for his hard work. Before now he just had his ludicrously hot wife and her nearly-infinite fortune, including the horse stables and vineyard and briefcases full of cash to compensate him. But now he’s got free gasoline for life! Things are finally looking up for our hero.

    Luann – Look, would you just make Gunther gay already, rather than Gunther the Effeminate Heterosexual? It would make a lot more sense, and he’d never have to be attracted to Luann again, which would be bound to make his life much happier.

    Also, I’m with Crystal. I generally prefer it if people don’t hang around outside my stall and talk about me while I’m defecating, too.

  66. Dood
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: That’s right, Sam, stare into the marvels of the unlimited gas card.

  67. Little Guy
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    MT: Next: “If you weren’t COWARDS with GUNS, you would FIGHT with your FISTS and put on these FAKE BEARDS like REAL MEN!!!”

  68. The Ghost of Jarrod
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#38):

    You forgot panel 3:

    [Crystal]: Guys, I think I have cervical cancer.

  69. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Frazz: ewwww. boogers.

    CdS: Alice, there’s a kid over at OBH that you should talk to.

    Lio: better than Reply All.

    OtH: Love Is. . . . turtle piss.

    SB: that’s actually sort of clever.

    Bizarro: bringing life experience into the strip?

    FW: /facedesk.

    JP: gassing lawyers is a good plan.

    OBH: so that’s where Larry and Bob hang out at night!

    6Cx: guest written by Wiley Miller?

  70. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Love Is: C&W strippers.

  71. Doctor Handsome
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Oh, to be young again. Nowadays when I watch teenage girls piss it’s labeled “creepy.”

  72. Ian Beste
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    DtM: Not enough fiber, too much information.

    Prickly City: Okay, I know, resist the temptation to comment on the political strips, but…are there any ‘Mudges out there living in a state with exactly one health insurance company? And is it due to state regulators forbidding any others from conducting business in the state? What am I missing about Stantis’ point about access to health insurance?

  73. Little Guy
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    yBR: Wait, the strip is set in a future with common space travel, but the existence of aliens has been covered up? Rickard, you’ve crossed your nerd streams again. No more Firefly marathons for you.

  74. Ian Beste
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Late to the party on this…

    FW: Where’s the lasso? That’s what put really made WW the bondage figure she was secretly meant to be.

  75. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    OBH: From the size of that EEEK! I thought that Baka Gaijin was hiding under Ruthie’s bed and discovered Ruthie’s clown doll. But there was no QLUNC! so I guess not.

  76. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#y227):

    FanFic here, discussion and disclaimers here.

    @bats :[ (#y179): mash-up potential. :-)

  77. Doctor Handsome
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    The Suicide Hotline already straight-up told Ziggy to fuck himself.

  78. Mibbitmaker
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    ….Oh, and by the way, New Pop Culture’s Kids up!

    Had to look for a sport beginning with the letter K for the ‘PCK’. Korfball. Who knew?!
    Also, sight gag.

  79. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:40 am [Reply]

  80. Chip Whittle
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#72):

    Prickly City: Okay, I know, resist the temptation to comment on the political strips, but…are there any ‘Mudges out there living in a state with exactly one health insurance company? And is it due to state regulators forbidding any others from conducting business in the state? What am I missing about Stantis’ point about access to health insurance?

    I believe you’ll find his point to be “politicians BAD”. Maybe with a side effect of “government BAD”. Also maybe “laws BAD”.

  81. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    FW: ………why does the nerd look a lot like Les??? Is this going to be another Elizabeth Patterson FOOB-ish desire to “Marry a guy just like dad”???

    Luann: What the fuck is Evans trying to prove with this??

    Marvin: …….same with Armstrong (see above).

    MW: Mary’s only shock comes from the fact that “change” happened WITHOUT her direct meddling..

    RMMD: Keep feeding her booze. Maybe she’ll start table-dancing in the buff.

    Love is…: Performing on-stage at a strip joint.

  82. flatsixes
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    MT: How can it be that Ranger Tom can pick out pot plants from aerial photographs and miss a fricken’ 12′ x 15′ lean-to erected in a goddamn clearing ten feet away? Maybe that big honking nose of his in panel 2 got in the way.

  83. Tony
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    MT: For extra fun, imagine the guy holding the gun in the last panel of Mark Trail saying his line in the voice of Paul Lynde: “Surprise!”

  84. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

  85. Hogenmogen
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    I love the looks exchanged in Spiderman. It’s as if the nurse’s aide is saying “I told you this guy was nuts!”

  86. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    for bb,u. (I lol’d)

    I’ll be in my bunk. (sfw, implied naughty)

    tomorrow’s FW.

    Harley Quinn cosplay. (Baka Gaijin might not mind this clowngirl . . . .)

    FENNEC week continues.

    The Daily Puppy is an adorbable chocolate Lab.

    corgsqui.

  87. Illustrator Steve
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MT – “Say fellows, THAT sure is a swell camp that you have set up way out here in MY AREA. Since you have no facial hair you must be nice fellows. MAY I please have a taste of that coffee you have over there?”
    “Yes mister, but first HOW about we give you a taste of that AX we have over there!”

  88. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    JP: Aw, yesterday someone was worried about how poor Sam never gets anything (besides getting to be married to the fabulously wealthy Abbey). Now he has free gas!

  89. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    MW: “?” — Mary is baffled that someone actually bought the bullshit she spews.

  90. Hogenmogen
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    A3G: Faux pas, Margo. I would have thought you could disguise your venality better. Say something like “That vintage got great reviews. I’m gonna chug the whole bottle… I mean — I’d love to try some, Scott!”

  91. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    A3G: Fine wine, a handsome rich married guy feeling neglected by his wife, and predatory, amoral Margo. What does that add up to? Not what it should, that’s what, because this strip has no guts.

  92. Esther Blodgett
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Seriously, did all the cartoonists decide to get together and drop acid? This week has been a confluence of snarkability the likes of which I’ve seldom seen.

    And is it just me, or does that “marijuana” look an awful lot like miniature Truffula Trees?

  93. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Iris, like most people, and apparently unlike some prominent cartoonists, finds descriptions of parent sex squicky.

  94. Hogenmogen
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: ?? What is this? Nola’s crushed, disembodied soul is floating out of my coffee cup? Eh, I’ll just drink it anyway. Mmm. Suisse mocha almond. And the coffee isn’t too bad, either.

  95. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    GT: You know, teen mothers actually are permitted to occasionally go out and socialize. It’s not against the law.

  96. Chip Whittle
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: “Hmm. Teen parenthood always looks like fun on TV! Like on…what shows, exactly?”

    Legend of Bill: “Perhaps I can help.” Yes! Glitter from Kidd Video is exactly the help we needed!

    On A Claire Day: Ha ha, it’s funny because two people made a deal where each got what they really wanted at the cost of something not as important to them! Adam Smith just writes the most hilarious jokes!

    Pinkerton came out of hibernation today. Catch it now or miss it till August.

    Ripley’s Believe It Or Not: Dr. Ehab Abouheif of McGill University in Toronto, Canada, discovered a way to create giant-headed super-soldier ants by treating them with a hormone while they are larvae!” Also, Dr. Ehab Abouheif of McGill University in Toronto, Canada, has never watched an impossibly stupid science fiction movie in his life!

    But at least he’s very popular in the Mark Trail community.

    On the bright side, now Canada is set to take over the world’s picnics.

    Wee Pals Ha ha! Certainly children have been making that “hungry for Chinese food an hour later” gag since 1980, and it’s no less funny!

  97. Mibbitmaker
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Yes, but c’mon, Margaux! You, of all people, should be narcissist enough to see the similarity!”

    9CL: Focus, Brooke! Focus! Edda… maybe baby… any of this ring a bell, Romeo?”

    CdS, Best Comic in the World: “Industrial Noise” is Alice’s musical style (or, “musical” style).

    DT: “Then get in line behind all the circus freaks, weirdo!”

    FW: Oh, Jeez, the ol’ ‘She should be with him because he’s just like her dad’ was awful and creepy enough when it was Liz and Anthony/John in FOOB! Now…. by Batiuk?! YECCH!
    And, for the love of God, DO NOT ALSO IMMITATE THIS, BROOKE McELDOWNEY!!!

    HotC: Didn’t Dave Sim already do the whole “light is good… no, wait, it’s bad” shtick?

    JP: So to speak.

    S-M: “Okay, Mr. …Costume Man. We have just the doctor to see you. You… may like him… ex-NASA…. Dr. Alfred Bellows. You’re…. uh…. just the right patient for him to… see. Now, put the lady down so we can examine her….” (all said in a mildly condescending tone of voice, naturally)

  98. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#92): They’re actually Snozzberry bushes.

  99. Rimrock
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Luann….why are the guys in the girls bathroom in the first place??

  100. Hogenmogen
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Sam Driver is married to a hot, rich woman who dresses suggestively even at home. Only when he gets a free gas card does he pop a boner. Maybe Abbey should use come-on lines that include “Conoco”, “Chevron” or “Exxon/Mobil”.

  101. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#63): These guys are ridiculously well-coifed for stoners and pot growers. They looked like the uniformed groundskeepers on a wealthy estate. Clearly they don’t sample the product. Nothing is funnier than when Elrod tries to take on hip, happenin’, cutting edge topics!

    What this plot needs is some high-as-a-kite Kelly Welly.

  102. John B
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    The Comics Curmudgeon – Truly giving us the poop on the comics today!

  103. Illustrator Steve
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    MT – (Meanwhile, back at the Trail cabin):
    “SAY Doc, I think I can smell TROUBLE brewing in a NEAR BY AREA, DO you smell any trouble brewing in a NEAR BY AREA, Doc?”

    “Nah, that’s not trouble brewing you smell, that’s just those hideous mutated lumps erupting over Rusty’s face again. Go back to doing nothing, Mark!”

    “Mark! WHEN are you taking me on that fishing trip you promised me?”

    “Uh, er… sorry Rusty, I must leave all of you immediately because, because uh… yeah, that’s it, because I am sure I smell some sort of VILLAINOUS trouble brewing somewhere! I am out of here, GOODBYE!”

  104. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    A3G-It wasn’t expensive. I bought a recent vintage. Did you know that most wines are old? I wanted some fresh wines none of this old stuff.

    FW-If you think she is a goddess wait until you see her father.

    Spiderman-Nope. That doesn’t sound like the insane ramblings of a man dressed up in a Spider-man costume.

    Spiderman 2-”Sorry, Mr. Spiderman, but we are not equipped to treating patients suffering from traveling to godly realms you will want the people at Bellvue. They are equipped for that sort of thing.”

    FC-The only thing Daddy can cut is himself.

  105. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#12): You ask this of the strip that had armed, daylight bank robbers give themselves up to the first random people that walked by their “hidden” cabin, on the assumption that anyone that showed up, even with no uniforms or guns, must be the cops?

    Criminals tend to be kind of stupid in the real world, but in the Trailverse, they’re only borderline sentient.

  106. Droopy Says
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#81): Lordy, there’s a horrible idea: a Moore-Patterfoob marriage. Which would be ghastlier, Summer married to Mike or SmElly married to Creepy?

  107. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-If only something existed that I could have taken to keep me from getting pregnant or something the guy I was with could have used.

  108. Leonard
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Zits… way too disturbing with American Pie Reunion in theaters…

  109. Big Bad Dave
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Given that Mark is so clueless he had to look up marijuana leaves in a reference book, how does he know the crop is about ready to be harvested? Hmmmm.

  110. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#103):
    Poor Rusty – Rex Morgan would make a better fishing buddy than Mark.

    And this is how Mary Worth tries to indoctrinate people (SFW, but truly weird):
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFrBG4xyaF8

  111. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Off the topic but in case you’re wondering what to have for lunch, today is National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day!

    Dagwood is so proud.

  112. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    MT-Damnit. Someone got to the sweet sweet weed before I could claim it all for me.

    Ziggy-It would be a lot funnier if it was the suicide hotline.

  113. gnome de blog
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    It’s all about strikeBatiuk Creepy Les. Having his daughter idolized by a goofy nerdball is his heart’s desire. You’d think he was Brooke McEldowney or somebody. I’m not sure what it means that nerdball likes her because she a tough guy and not because she’s a, er, girl.

  114. Hogenmogen
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#104): Even fairly recent vintages of Chateau Margaux (2005 for example) are over a thousand dollars per bottle. And you don’t want a “fresh” bordeaux. They mellow with age to around 20-25 years.

    I read about someone in the 80s who bought a bottle of Thomas Jefferson’s wine for like $2 million. He had a party to celebrate – because people who can throw $2 million on a bottle of wine celebrate things that us ordinary folks don’t. At the party, he dropped the bottle and it broke. Everyone is staring at him and the bottle. The only sensible thing to do would be to taste it, of course. It was absolutely horrible. So if anyone offers you 200 year old wine, turn them down. It’s yuckier than Boone’s Farm.

  115. Doctor Handsome
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Will this be the storyline where Mark Trail finally realizes the drawbacks of saying everything he thinks out loud, to no one in particular? UNLIKELY!

  116. Illustrator Steve
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    MT – Ranger Tom Martin has been taken captive IN HIS AREA by VILLAINOUS UPS men.
    Since Mark Trail lives IN A NEAR BY AREA, ranger Tom Martin should call him for help.
    Mark Trail will call in Sargent Doug McQueen who is VERY POPULAR IN HIS COMMUNITY and lives SOMEWHERE ALONG THE CANADIAN BOARDER.
    Mark will also call in his friend, the mountain man, who lives in THE MOUNTAINOUS PART OF THE STATE.
    Mark will also call in BUTCH the blind hunting dog to sniff out their jackets.
    These fine fellows along with Butch the blind dog will help Mark once again bring peace and justice back to Lost Forest.
    THEN, after bringing back the peace and justice, they can bring back the harvested marijuana to use for a special celebration in their COMMUNITY!
    (Besides, the pot would be benificial for Doc and Rusty’s medical conditions).

  117. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#114):
    For a few years I had an old bottle of peppermint tincture with about 1/3 of the bottle full – it was from 1850′s or ’60′s.
    It was in my kitchen, and one evening Senorita Spazz (Yours truly) knocked it over, and it broke. The stuff had practically turned to turpentine, if that is possible, It certainly smelled like it!

  118. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace-When did Mr. Wilson become a king? I always thought he was a queen.

  119. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    DtM: Very much like a king – specifically the king, Elvis Aron Presley – George Wilson will die of a heart attack on the toilet, vainly hoping for some relief.

    Luann: Dammit! Somebody must have said, “There’s no way Luann can get any worse this week.” Well, I’ve got news for you. It can always get worse as long as there’s a possibility of Gunther showing up.

    MT: It would have been better if Butch Potgrower threw his hands over Ranger Tom’s eyes and yelled “Guess who!” but then he would have had to put down the shotgun.

    A3G: Maybe Margo should do the honors on opening that bottle. Scott’s got the shakes too bad to hold the corkscrew. He must have run out of the cheap stuff he uses to lubricate his daily movements.

    RMMD: June cuts through Iris’ drunken fog by starting to recount the book’s mother/father sex scenes. Sort of like dunking her head in an icebath.

    H&J: ’nuff said.

    FW: “Hey! Wonder Woman doesn’t carry Mace!”

    Phantom: I thought that Kit was trying to work this whole “clean up Ciudad Jardin” bit under the radar. Why is Hillary Clinton greeting him and the boys in dude ranch gear?

    FC: Thel’s trying not to smile. She’s always thought Bil was a mother-dominated wuss, but how could she expect her imbecilic offspring Jeffy would raise the subject?

    JP: April wants to see her boyfriend get his tank filled by his best friend and former law partner. She is, indeed, a very kinky girl.

    6C: The Smoke Monster has come down in the world over the last couple of years, hasn’t he?

    DT: If this guy has really been following Dick’s career, he should know that the job of being Dick Tracy’s nemesis is strictly a temp position. One where you probably won’t survive to fax your first week’s timesheet to the staffing agency.

  120. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#114):

    Some of that joke is a reference to “The Jerk” where Steve Martin’s character wants wine from a recent year.

  121. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#114):
    I think there are only a few good oldies out there-Petrus, for example, and even the Petrus gems are from the 1940′s and early 1980′s.

  122. Baka Gaijin
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#75): Are you implying I scream like a little girl when I see an EVILSCARYCLOWN? Is it? Is that what you’re implying? Well, you’re correct. I figure if I can get one more octave higher I’ll hit the resonant frequency of the clown’s bulbous nose and POW! no more EVILSCARYCLOWN face.

    @Hogenmogen (#114): Please tell me he broke the bottle on a clown’s head. I want a happy ending to this story.

  123. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    On the Fastrack — Anybody got a QR reader to hit panel 3 with? I have an ancient phone, so I can’t do it myself…

  124. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#122): Why, that’s a fine plan. Stick to it!

  125. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    MT — The thing is, confronting a Forest Service ranger with a firearm while standing next to evidence of what are probably several felonies is actually very serious. But MT manages to do what it does to dire situations regardless of the level of direness.

    Now I’m trying to imagine the Titanic disaster as it would be portrayed in MT. (Sorry, I don’t know how to bold.) “Where are THE lifeboats?” “That’s right, mister, the lifeboats are ALL gone — SURPRISE!” “Uh-oh!”

  126. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#43): Re Ziggy: Hey, there’s a good chance they even have pantslessness in common.

  127. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#119):
    Re: DtM and Mr. Wilson – Cici (sp?) in The Sopranos also died on the can, reading porn mags. He felt backed up and had a heart attack while trying to poop.

  128. odinthor
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    # 26. Marc.

    Knute is obsessive compulsive about bathrooms, Gunther is gay, and Crystal’s deep existential angst will not allow her to shit when other people are around.

    Add another person, and it would be hard to distinguish from the third act quartet in Rigoletto.

  129. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#127):Or maybe it was Gigi.
    More Chateau Margo, mule!

  130. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: You know, I’ve been living in the suburbs for two or three years now (not my fault, and that situation will change before another year goes by), and as far as I can tell, Crankshaft is doing pretty normal suburban stuff. I have absolutely no interest in Nature, other than knowing appropriate protective measures to take, such as staying as far away as possible (Nature is out to kill us, and I can prove that with statistics and the numerous threatening letters she keeps sending me), but even I know what a tomato cage is, and what it’s for, and a rain barrel can be a pretty efficient way of watering your garden while saving money.

    Last week was completely devoid of any effort, and now they’re ragging on Crankshaft for doing what every neighbour around me is doing. I think Batiuk has given up.

  131. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#63): Mark Trail: You know, for a couple of stoners, those guys did a nice job laying out and preparing their campsite with their neatly set up tent, coffee on the firepit and the ax nicely embedded in the manicured log.

    But they also have a meth lab in the Southern part of the State.

  132. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Archie: The AJGLU needs to maintain a certain consistency in each strip in order to make sure that the characters who start a conversation are the same characters who finish it, but it also needs a certain amount of randomisation in order to allow for changes in perspective and such. In this case, however, I suspect there’s a glitch in the AJGLU’s randomising algorithm. What other reason could it have for redrawing the counter display container with an entirely different batch of doughnuts in the last panel? Someone from IT should really get on that, otherwise the Archie comic won’t make any sense any…oh. Never mind.

  133. Ned Ryerson
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Luann reminded me of my favorite cover band, “Crystal Shit”, they do a Doors show.

  134. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Here’s why you often see ladies in the comics exercising.

  135. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    (For those interested in the Smoking Guns series, a tentative, and highly-improbable explanation is now posted concerning the events described in the previous post: Smoking Guns: Possible Conclusion)

  136. commodorejohn
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    I thought the Home Shopping Network’s margins depended on getting $19.95 plus shipping for things that cost a dollar to make in some Godforsaken factory in a former Soviet satellite nation…

    9CL – So, uh, are we done with the “Edda is pregnant” storyline, then? On to Part ∞ of the Magical Nazi Love Festival, are we? Can I go home now?

    A3G – The way to a woman’s heart is through her ego, apparently.

    Curtis – Oh hey, I was wondering when this storyline about Michelle being falsely accused by a fraud looking for a payout would get to the “everybody talks shit about Michelle, why doesn’t she just die already” part. Good to know you’re sticking to formula, Curtis.

    DT – Really he just needs a hug.

    FW – *BARF* (Oh, also, Cody fantasizes about a semi-divine lesbian dominatrix?)

    GT – It does? Wait, are there now TV shows about how glamorous being a parent before you’re out of high school is? …no, no, don’t tell me, it’s too probable, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know, damn it!

    JP – You know, because Sam hadn’t been given stuff for doing absolutely nothing in a while.

    Liō – If you have to steal a joke, you could do a lot worse than Groucho Marx, that’s for sure.

    Luann – Can we call the police yet? This has to be grounds for investigation, right? I mean, nobody without the bodies of half a dozen teenage girls in his basement would draw something like this.

    Mandrake – “Well, come on, guys, I changed my plan again! Now I apparently want to destroy the world in which we live in!”

    MW – “Damn,” Mary thinks to herself. “She’s had an epiphany. Well, time to put a bitch down, she’s not going to be any good as meddle-fodder from here on out if she’s had a God-damned epiphany.

    Momma – “Beer bar?” Was there a fear of confusion with juice bars? Oxygen bars? Roseanne Barr?

    RMMD – “And by that I of course mean that it’s pornography, starring your mom.”

    SM – Again, I have to wonder: in a world as thick with weirdness as the Marvel universe, wouldn’t it be prudent to start working that stuff into your preparedness infrastructure? Instead we’ve got police who don’t know who the Shocker is and doctors who have no idea how to treat intraplanar travel symptoms.

  137. Mark B.
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Rimrock (#99): Actually, Crystal is in the guy’s bathroom, but since that development happened about a week ago and hasn’t been explained since, it’s easy to see why you’d make that mistake. We need some kind of flyout at the top explaining that Crystal is trying to relieve herself in the boy’s bathroom because … well, I forgot why she couldn’t use the girl’s bathroom. It was a long time ago.

  138. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#50):
    I agree – I thought Mary would be at least a little jubilant, after she discussed the same concepts and phenomena with Jeff while watching a dime store preacher on the TV, by Nola’s confessions and penance. Instead, she blanks out with a giant “?”.

  139. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    A3G “Isn’t this awfully expensive?”

    No, just awful, but a damned sight better than the case of Chateau Nina I have in the cellar.

    BG&SS Ha ha. That’s funny because Wally was hanged for horse theft!

    FW Goddess? No!!! Her mother is a saint, she couldn’t possibly be a goddess! Blasphemy!

    MT Surprise! But, guys, my birthday’s not for another month!

    MW “?” = “Nola is sure talkin’ some smack today!”

  140. Arabella
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#111): Thanks for the tip, but I think I’ll skip lunch today. Considering the toilet jokes, TMI in Zits, and boogers in Frazz, I don’t have much appetite.

  141. pugfuggly
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#136):

    re: SM :

    “Nurse, take this woman to the Intraplanar Travel Shock Unit!”
    “You mean the psych ward?”
    “Indeed. And take her ‘husband’ along as well.”

  142. Marc
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rimrock (#99): She’s actually in the guys room. Apparently the line in the ladies room was too long so she wants Knute to shut down the men’s room so she can take her own private shit.

  143. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    FW – That’s Mary’s alter ego, dammit, not Summer’s! (Just ask Joe Giella!) : )

  144. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#119): Luann: Dammit! Somebody must have said, “There’s no way Luann can get any worse this week.” Well, I’ve got news for you. It can always get worse as long as there’s a possibility of Gunther showing up.

    And seeing Elwood crawl out from under the stall would set the limit for worst.

  145. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#140): I know what you mean. The way things are today if one was biting into their grilled cheese sandwich someone would come up and say, “By the way, that ain’t cheese.”

  146. terrapin
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    MT: Too bad they’re all male plants. Not that I know the difference or anything.

  147. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    3G – Château Margaux is only expensive the first time. After that, you refill the bottle with store brand and pack new foil around the cork. Pack it carefully and don’t shake it or it forms a ring-shaped bubble under the foil that screams “cheap” to anybody who knows about this sort of thing. (Oh, Scott, you goof! I said don’t shake it!)

    Snuffy – Note also how many of Hootin’ Holler’s deceased were named Rip.

    9 – Ah, to be young and Teutonic! Ach—TONGUE!

  148. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Crock – A classic tale of alienation and deadpan dada incoherence in a landscape drawn with the least possible effort.

    Dennis – “When did Mr. Wilson become a baker? Mrs. Wilson says he’s pinchin’ a loaf.”

    Gil – Teenage girl with strangely manlike body and hands. I guess sooner or later, this strip appeals to every possible interest group.

  149. bats :[
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    JP: what times are these when plutocrat Sam Driver stares agog at the gift of an unlimited free gas card…

    MT: hey, bad guys, that’s not a surprise. This is a SURPRISE! (the second strip…)

  150. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Henry – Wrong finger, Henry.

    Marmaduke – “I… have a compulsion… to… to open… something…”

    Dennis – “When did Mr. Wilson become a fisherman? Mrs. Wilson says he’s releasing a brown trout.”

  151. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Dennis – “When did Mr. Wilson become a murderer? Mrs. Wilson says he’s throttling a Mars bar.”

    @Bill Peschel (#53): What is the punchline in Arlo and Janis?
    That Janis seemingly told him to pick up some hamsters?

    Dennis – “When did Mr. Wilson become Samuel F. B. Morse? Mrs. Wilson says he’s layin’ a cable.”

  152. La Police de la Mode
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#y258):
    While we would be tout ravi to be part of the “Neddy à Paris” ensemble, we do try to be fastidious in our speech. The “m” word is certainly not part of our vocabulary. But thank you so much for including us.

  153. Pops Racer
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    If the the Mark Trail pot growers are named “Bogart” and “Dutchie” I will personally buy Mr. Elrod a giant bag of Doritos.

  154. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Kuchie, mon.

  155. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @crazy fungus (#30): I hear Todd has a killer recipe for bird’s nest soup, but I don’t care to speculate on whether any actual bird poo goes into making it.

  156. Government Cheese
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    MW: I guess the moral of the story here is, if you feel troubled with something you have done, go to the park and a bum will sort you out.

    Luann: Gunther is just in the bathroom to service his webcams (don’t ask).

  157. cheech wizard
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Lio – It’s called puberty, kid. Congratulations.

  158. cheech wizard
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    MT – Marijuana growers wouldn’t use a term like “mister.” They would address him as “dude.”

  159. Sans Sense
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: Well thank the comic gods that Mary seems just as disenchanted and annoyed by Nola’s spineless transformation. There is no more theater here, BEGONE!

  160. kingklash
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    In the Shoe-niverse, do they actually have regular toilets, or is it something like a picket fence over a drain? Or the top half of a statue that gets hosed off every few hours?

    I think I just gave myself nightmares.

  161. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @kingklash (#160): By a wild coincidence, I drew a cartoon about this thirty years ago. The Pigeons Room has a chain-link mesh floor with statues under it, and we may presume they get hosed regularly.

  162. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#142): And if her bowel movement is shaped like a potato, then she can have her Own Private Idaho.

    What? I’m preparing to take over as writer for Mother Goose and Grimm.

  163. kkarenb
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Windier E. Megatons (#34): Which plot are you referring to? In 9CL every plot turns into a f***ing plot.

    FW – I firmly believe that all women should be true to themselves and not fit into someone else’s idea of what is attractive. But it seems to me that Baituk is going overboard in portraying Summer as going in a different direction from her parents. She does have something in common with Les, though – I find them both repellant.

  164. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace-Mrs. Wilson says he’s on the throne polishing his scepter.

    MW-And so goes Nola goes from the extreme of thinking of only herself to the extreme of thinking of others. Leave it to the people in the Mary Worthverse to do things in extremes. It is an either or situation with these people. No happy medium for them.

    MW 2-Mary is worried that Nola will horn in on her meddling territory and is starting to plot how to take Nola down when that day comes.

  165. Cloudbuster
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    MT: Just waiting for the giant Cuss Skunk in the foreground.

    Cuss Skunk: “BOGART! Get that #$%# Ranger out of my #%^^# weed!”

  166. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#151): Dennis – Or has Mr. Wilson likes to say, “I’m flushing a ‘Dennis’.”

  167. UncleJeff
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#142): As George Carlin said: “I’ve never understood ‘take a shit’. I’ve always thought it was just something you ‘left.’”

  168. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    StoneyRockAxe #155- wow, can’t wait till tomorrow!

  169. Baka Gaijin
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#137): Pre-surgery tranny.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#155): Ha ha ha! Bird poo soup. You were talking about yesterday’s Zits, right?

  170. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    And in addition to shit/merde/dung/scheiss/poop/brown trout in the four samples, we have MW spouting shit, momma zit wants to eat shit (& die?), Papa Keane needs help cutting up his shit, and MT doesn’t know shit.

  171. bats :[
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Finally, those years of high school French pay off!

  172. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Baked Gin #169- no, he’s referring to Todd the Dinosaur, who was consuming tasty whole birdnests, not in soup, 2 or 3 days ago. Sorry, I started the rant on TtD today at about #37 or before

  173. Baka Gaijin
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    A million bucks for something that “…cause[s]: Nausea, dizziness, headache, flashblindness, eye pain and (occasional?) vomiting!” These fat-cat government bureaucrats wasting tons of taxpayer money when a subscription to Funky Winkerbean can do the same thing.

  174. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: he was talking to a dominatrix who had forbidden him to even wear pants… wait, that’s his NORMAL behavior.
    Luann: dominatrix Krystal now has 2 toys- G & Kn
    9CL- we’ll find out “mom” is an 87 yr old dominatrix. What was that movie about Nazi she-wolves?
    and now Summer as wonder woman, kitten with a whip

  175. Dennis Jimenez
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#171): Voulez’ vous coucher etam ou – se swa….

  176. Baka Gaijin
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @crazy fungus (#172): It sounds like something Pierce would do, seeing how he squeezed a chicken to poop out an egg directly into his mouth.

  177. tallyHO
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#28):
    Nah, that encampment just might be where Jackelrodball lives.
    The real culprit behind this stash is the magically, impish bouncing ball that moves Mark Trail down roads not taken in a generation.

    Though, I do wonder what the mystery item is in panel #3 of Mark Trail.

    Is it a beginner’s model of a pan flute?
    A double-barrelled bong?
    Nunchucks held in the politely tap them on the shoulder position?
    Or, is it a weapon that is primed to destroy Jackelrodball?
    Surely, we aren’t supposed to believe it is a rifle or a shotgun.

  178. Government Cheese
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I have a plot continuity question/thought I wanted to throw out there to fellow posters – how much longer can Evans keep all these kids in high school? I mean, they have been there so long now, why not just put them in college? It would be much more interesting. Gunther can finally have his first sexual encounter (and poop his pants in the process), Knute would be hazed in a fraternity, and Luann can become the ho-bag she is destined to become.

  179. the good ship thetis
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#72):
    At one point, my state only had 2 health insurance companies operating in it. It was probably due to low population more than anything else.

  180. bats :[
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    Just a little more French (ooh la la!)…

  181. Ian Beste
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#179): That would not suprise me at all in places like North or South Dakota, or even Alaska. Of course, in Alaska VA and TriCare would be a major presence as well.

  182. Ian Beste
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#181): “Surprise”, dagnabit!

  183. Vince M
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#129): Not likely – I don’t remember anything like that in ‘Gigi’.

  184. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#130): Your comment caused me to look up C’shaft, and sure enough, they’re ragging on Crankshaft for doing what towns in my area are urging residents to do (and bribing them with low-cost rain barrels) in order to manage stormwater better. Ohio’s water quality probably isn’t as bad as Iowa’s, being as how we rank #45, but I’d guess that Ohio towns are also encouraging rain-barrel use because it makes sense, environmentally as well as economically. I dunno what’s with Batiuk. Maybe the rain barrel has cancer.

  185. wooddragon
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#123): Goes to the character’s FB page (or fake FB page, can’t tell on my phone).

  186. tallyHO
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: I do love the watercolor backgrounds. Two colors over linework.

    It is less evocative of “Deliverance” and more of some setting from a straight on movie based during the Vietnam war. Like the “A-pot-colypse Now” opening scene featuring the antagonists in the boat from a while back, it subtly whispers:

    Somewhere
    Mark Trail
    Sits in a
    Bamboo
    Cage!

    Writhing
    Seething
    Filled with
    Harmful
    Rage!

  187. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#127): Wow, what a cautionary tale. I’ll try to make sure I go out with a little more dignity. What I currently take to the bathroom is THE BEST OF H. T. WEBSTER.

  188. giraffe-o
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    LUANN : Wait, did I miss a ‘Crystal-is-late-needs-a-pregnancy-test’ plot twist? Any maybe it’s Knute’s baby? Actually, I didn’t miss it one bit.

  189. tallyHO
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    Stanza:

    I’ll be blunt
    I’ll be blunt
    I’ll be blunt
    duuuuuude!

    By locking me
    in a
    bamboo cage
    you stoners
    showed you
    are ruuuuude!

  190. Dood
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace: “When did Mr. Wilson become king of the world? Mrs. Wilson says he’s sinking a Titanic.”

  191. tallyHO
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    I hate musicals.
    Yet, I can’t get Mark Trail, Apotcolypse Now: The Musical out of my head.

    Not good. Such a waste of energy to even consider…..and a horrible waste of time to waste typing is out. Procrastination is fun!

    The musical features songs like:
    “(Not) Fishing with Rusty”

    Sheman Shaman, Singing: “SheShells by the SaddleSores, Seriously”

    “The Ballad of Ol’ Butch the Blind Dog”

    ” Lost Forest of Deeeelight”

    “You say Hemp, I say Humph”

    The Forest Creatures Tabernacle Choir, singing: “Conservation is the Name of the Game” and
    “People, Who Needs People?

    Steve the Docu Film Maker, singing: You Caught Me With My Ascot Down, Buying a Lid/ I’m Innocent, You Don’t Know What I Did

    Kelly Welly and Cherry Trail singing a duet: Trailblazers Lead to Burning Sensations When We Pee (it a recently discovered lost song written by the late John Denver)

  192. Gal Friday
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#65):
    JP – It’s so nice to see Sam Driver finally rewarded for his hard work. Before now he just had his ludicrously hot wife and her nearly-infinite fortune, including the horse stables and vineyard and briefcases full of cash to compensate him. But now he’s got free gasoline for life! Things are finally looking up for our hero.

    Let’s not forget that Sam and Abbie have an awesome RV that gets 5 miles per gallon. Hello, 70′s oil crisis!

  193. exapno
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    I think, when historians look back on the then dead art of the comic strip, they will look upon this day as the day it when, like Wile E. Coyote, it walks off the ledge, hangs suspended in space, and then it finally looks down, about to drop into the abyss.

    And that does not even include poor Bitsy’s tooting….

  194. Baka Gaijin
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    That dude in Slylock Fox needs to call Screen Doors ‘R Us ASAP. It’s just not healthful to have marsh birds chasing horseflies as big as brioche through the living room.

  195. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#90): BWAHAHA!

    As an aside, why didn’t Scott hire a nursery decorator, since he’s so awash in cash? I’ll bet there are professional nursery decorators in NYC. And possibly specialists who only deal with, say, the bassinets. For that matter, Scott could have hired a surrogate to carry his precious little fetus to term, and then hired a couple of nannys to take care of the kid 24/7. Marriage saved, problem solved.

  196. Liam
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Luann-Knute, when you get the pictures developed can I get a set.

    Dennis the Menace-When did Mr. Wilson leave for the pool? Mrs. Wilson says that he is dropping some friends off at the pool.

  197. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#171):

    The role of Star Trek: TNG’s “Deanna Ménage à Trois” was portrayed by actress Marina D. Souse. To quote the show’s bible: She was half-human, half-Betazoid… and half-crocked.

  198. AndyL
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Living in a world where thought balloons are outlawed makes sneaking up on dealers really hard.

  199. Calico
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#150):
    Dennis to Mr. W.:
    “Now I know why he likes to give us Mini-Tootsie Rolls on Halloween!”
    (“Little shits”, thinks George, as he throws the brown candies at every poorly-dressed urchin clamoring at his front door)

  200. Marthas Rolling Pin
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#66): Remember that Sam just bought the Road Queer last week (strip time). He’s gonna need that card.

  201. Sans Sense
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    DtM: Glad to see that Martha’s “keepin’ the mystery alive” by vacating the premises while George takes care of business.

  202. Weaselboy
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    SM: “I need a psych consult in the ER.”

  203. Sans Sense
    April 12th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    JP:

    Cue “Wealthy Ever After” and “Everybody Laughs” tropes.

    Fade to Black.

    Cue Cialis Commercial.

  204. Shrug
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#96):

    “Dr. Ehab Abouheif of McGill University in Toronto, Canada, discovered a way to create giant-headed super-soldier ants by treating them with a hormone while they are larvae!”

    Revision of classic short story:

    “Leiningen versus the Ants, Eh?”

    Alternate answer: Now if only he can teach them to play hockey….

  205. Shrug
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#100):

    “Sam Driver is married to a hot, rich woman who dresses suggestively even at home. Only when he gets a free gas card does he pop a boner. Maybe Abbey should use come-on lines that include “Conoco”, “Chevron” or “Exxon/Mobil”. ”

    Or “wanna visit my Gulf station? If you feel up to Standard?”

  206. Sans Sense
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#205): Who’s my Terrible Herbst?

  207. Baka Gaijin
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sans Sense (#201): “Keepin’ the mystery alive” or keeping herself alive? At this stage in George’s Geritol and prune-filled life, my guess is the latter.

  208. Shrug
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#120):

    The “new wine, not of that old stuff” thread reminds me of this bit in Twain’s THE INNOCENTS ABROAD:

    He had reserved what he considered to be his greatest wonder till the last — a royal Egyptian mummy, the best preserved in the world, perhaps. He took us there. He felt so sure, this time, that some of his old enthusiasm came back to him:

    “See, genteelmen! — Mummy! Mummy!”

    The eye-glass came up as calmly, as deliberately as ever.

    “Ah, — Ferguson — what did I understand you to say the gentleman’s name was?”

    “Name? — he got no name! — Mummy! — ‘Gyptian mummy!”

    ” Yes, yes. Born here?”

    ” No! ‘Gyptian mummy!”

    “Ah, just so. Frenchman, I presume?”

    “No! — not Frenchman, not Roman! — born in Egypta!”

    “Born in Egypta. Never heard of Egypta before. Foreign locality, likely. Mummy — mummy. How calm he is — how self-possessed. Is, ah — is he dead?”

    “Oh, sacre bleu, been dead three thousan’ year!”

    The doctor turned on him savagely:

    “Here, now, what do you mean by such conduct as this! Playing us for Chinamen because we are strangers and trying to learn! Trying to impose your vile second-hand carcasses on us! — thunder and lightning, I’ve a notion to — to — if you’ve got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out! — or by George we’ll brain you!”

  209. Shrug
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#208): @Calico (#127):

    And Arius; as James Joyce relates it in ULYSSES:

    Illstarred heresiarch. In a Greek watercloset he breathed his last : euthanasia. With beaded mitre and with crozier, stalled upon his throne, widower of a widowed see, with upstiffed omophorion, with clotted hinderparts.

    (But at least he didn’t have to put with Gunther and Knute while dying thus.)

  210. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#184): Too bad in Crank-world gutter-water collection is still legal. If the strip were based in Colorado, he’s got a $1k fine on his hands.

  211. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Gal Friday (#192): Let’s not forget that Sam and Abbie have an awesome RV that gets 5 miles per gallon 5 gallons per mile. Hello, 70?s oil crisis!

    There, fixed it for you.

  212. Marc
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#167): Touche. Bonus points for using the George Carlin reference.

  213. Sans Sense
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#207): As the shutters appear to be blown open I’d have to agree with you.

  214. gnome de blog
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Gal Friday (#192):
    In the next episode, “Sam ‘n Abbey’s South American Road Trip,” Hugo Chavez gives them Venezuela.

  215. Shrug
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#184):

    We have three of those rainbarrels at Casa Shrug (one in the front yard and two in the back yard) and yes, of course they have connections for hoses. Crankshaft’s daughter is an idiot (as they say, the road-apple doesn’t fall very far from the horse).

  216. Zerowolf
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Peschel (#53): I think its a joke about how the voice recognition software for text messages doesn’t really work that well. Instead of pick up a ham steak it came out “hamster.”

  217. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#176): It sounds like something Pierce would do, seeing how he squeezed a chicken to poop out an egg directly into his mouth.
    Making the lad not only a bit disgusting, but (on reflection) goddamned lucky.

    @Poteet (#187): What I currently take to the bathroom is THE BEST OF H. T. WEBSTER.
    Hmm. If parts of that start coming unmemorized, I’d do the same. That book must have had a huge circulation (because of Book of the Month Club, I think). I’ve seen so many copies of it, and I never run into any of the other books it mentions. Shary Flenikin did a parody of H.T. Webster for the Air Pirates one time — once having seen it, I can’t go back to the days when I didn’t see a lot of Webster in her regular work.

  218. ArchieNemesis
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    Captain Cueball, Major Mullet, no! Don’t kidnap the ranger. Who’ll lovingly stroke the pot plants if you end up in prison?

  219. Shrug
    April 12th, 2012 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    F MINUS: Nothing says heart-warming laughter brightening your morning newspaper reading like a Progeria joke.

    RIP HAYWIRE: While I recognize the intended menace in the MARK TRAIL villain’s “We are ALREADY here — SURPRISE!” I don’t think it holds a candle to the native’s war cry in RIP today: “DEATH TO YOU! POINTY DEATH!” I am *so* going to find a way to work that into a few convesations this week.

  220. Gringo
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    Mostly toilet jokes
    But wouldn’t it be a million times more awesome if Mr. Wilson had actually snapped and decided he was one of history’s more obscure kings

    It would be a million times more awesome if Mr. Wilson thought he was Elvis and came a crapper on the throne, just like the King.

  221. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    naM Liam- comment 196, dropping off some friends…
    hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I bet he’s a fungi to be around

  222. J
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    Wow, Mark Trail sure went from “I think junkie ruffians call this…marijuana?” to “this maryjane’s ready to ship!” pretty quickly.

  223. Black Drazon
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    Oh, geeze, that Mark Trail comic is asking for a Homestuck gag and I can’t even think of one. How can someone throw Mark Trail, a clown-skeleton gangster being equated with two random bumpkins and a field of ripe marijuana plants at me and I walk away with nothing? That’s it, I retire from snark.

  224. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    MT – What does it say about the artwork in the strip that most of the commenters here think that is Mark Trail stroking the pot plants?

  225. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#224): I noticed that to. I think Elrod accidentally used the wrong clip art. Either that, or he’s forgotten which character is doing what.

  226. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#184): I really think Batiuk is just putting words down on paper now. Is he ill? Does anyone know? Or has he stumbled up 9 Chickweed Lane and realised that he can never become as much of an ass-hat as McEldowney, and so has simply given up?

  227. Anonymous
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

  228. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#227): Ha! Well done, Mr. Anonymous.

  229. pugfuggly
    April 12th, 2012 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @J (#222):

    Except that’s not Mark, it’s Ranger Tom Martin!

    It’s an easy mistake to make: they were both cloned from the same maternal tissue in the 1940s during a National Parks Service secret project to create an army of asexual tee-totaling outdoorsmen to run their parks while our boys were off serving in the army.

  230. Johnny Knuckles
    April 12th, 2012 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s kohl-eyed What the fuuuuuuck? look is not so much directed at whatshername as it is that white gooey stuff coiling out of her teacup.

  231. Lee 'Martini' Falk
    April 12th, 2012 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    DtM – ” When did Mr.Wilson become a herpetologist? Mrs.Wilson said he’s giving birth to a nest of baby lizards.”

  232. tallyHO
    April 12th, 2012 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#229):
    I didn’t confuse the two guys but just where is Trail?
    Is he pulling a Mary Worth and abandoning strip for weeks at a time?

    Last seen he was in a kitchen with some guy for a day or two and then >poof< it became the Ranger TomMartin Adventures.

  233. tallyHO
    April 12th, 2012 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    MT:While I was joking about the bamboo cage explaining where Mark Trail is currently….it would be funny if he showed up undercover, in disguise.

    But, if he showed up undercover what would be his pseudonym, his handle?

  234. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    @exapno (#193): You know, it’s true. Today is just blah for the comics.

  235. Ed Dravecky
    April 12th, 2012 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    What the heck is Gunther doing in the men’s room? Just stopped in for a chat and a little light shoe-watching while other people poop?

  236. McPerson
    April 12th, 2012 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    Surprise! The pot is actually for Mark’s surprise birthday party!

  237. Quelle domage
    April 12th, 2012 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

  238. The Ridger
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#73): No, it’s set in 2012. BR makes my head hurt. But in kind of a good way.

  239. Zerowolf
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    Hail Mary, full of meddle
    The aphorisms are with thee
    Blessed are those that hear ye
    And blessed is the advice you give me

    Holy Mary, giver of salmon squares
    Meddle us sinners from now
    Until the hour of driving off a cliff

    Amen

  240. The Ridger
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#132): Jughead ate the original ones.

  241. Proteus
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    Lord English, what are you doing in Mark Trail?

  242. The Ridger
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    A&J: Okay, the voice recognition software mangled the word. Ha ha and very likely, both. BUT. Why did he wait till he was handed the … mice? hamsters? gerbils? … before questioning why she had asked for them?

  243. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    Slide rule.

  244. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#243): I doubt a piece of playground equipment could rule anything.

  245. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#244): Cow bell?

  246. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#245): Si. Cow bell rule.

  247. Baka Gaijin
    April 12th, 2012 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#215): “(as they say, the road-apple doesn’t fall very far from the horse).” I will now be part of the proverbial “they.” Great saying.

    @Sequitur (#246): More cowbell. It needs more cowbell.

  248. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

  249. Sgt. Stoned
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy Smif: Ha-Ha! It’s funny because Wally was a congenital, life-long criminal, and now he is dead!

    MT: I’m getting lost in the timeline here. Didn’t the “bad guys” just plant the pot, only a few days ago according to the strip? Or has six months already passed? And, if so, what became of Ranger Tom Martin’s dinner with Mark & family? And am I to believe that Mark actually spent six months with Cherry without running off somewhere?

    DTM: Mr. Wilson’s real last name is Romanov, and he is the last legitmate heir to the title Tsar of All the Russias.

  250. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#243): Seniors Slides rule!

  251. Peanut Gallery
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    MT – No, no. I said you were in charge of SUPPLIES.

  252. tallyHO
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    MaryWorth: “I was only interested in getting more for myself…whether I wanted it or not. But now I see….”

    In keeping with the spirit of the running theme for the day:

    “But now I see London, I see France, I see Mary’s Bloomerpants.”

    Apt 3G:
    Scott:
    Yes it is awfully expensive but Chateau Margaux is the most poetic way in which to ply you.
    You see, Margo, I want you to meddle with my marriage. I want you to meddle with my life. I want you to meddle with me. I want you to have hotsex with my teddy bear.

    Mr. Peepers:
    Thank you, Scott! You’ve kept your promise after making me cuddle with you for days on end. Come share some fuzzywuzzy love wiz me, Margo-pooh!

    Margo’s reaction:
    (abject horror which quickly turns to mild curiosity and then quickly back to abject horror.)

  253. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Tally the Ho – mark trail’s handle- have coat will sniff?
    How about Nature Boy? No that was a pro wrassler.
    How about Cherry Picker?

  254. crazy fungus
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    Reply to #233, sorry. Mark Trail, Jungle Turd
    how about a handle for Knute… the Wiper Viper

  255. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#251): I. Like. That. Joke.

  256. Red Greenback
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    “When did Mr. Wilson become a Road Queen?
    Mrs. Wilson says he guzzled a lot of fossil fuel.”

  257. Peanut Gallery
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#137): A nice A3G-style narration box should do it. “Crystal tries to pee in the boys’ restroom and…”

  258. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 12th, 2012 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#127): I always feel bad for people that happens to. They just want to get this one thing done before they pull their pants back up and be found with a little dignity.

  259. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#148):

    Crock – A classic tale of alienation and deadpan dada incoherence in a landscape drawn with the least possible effort.

    Yup. Kevin Rechin certainly acclimated to the job right quick.

  260. Swordsmith
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    DTM: When did Mr. Wilson become Marvin? Mrs. Wilson just made a defecation joke about him.

  261. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#249): I think you’re confusing Russia’s Tsar Nicholas II with his gourmand cousin, Alexander Grigorievich “Biff” Stroganoff of Odessa, creator of Biff à la Stroganov with Mustard Gas.

  262. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    Crystal’s next move.

  263. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#210): Wow, really? Why? I sense I’m about to learn something totally new. Kewl.

  264. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile, at bats :[ abode…

  265. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#263): I just found an article about Colorado rain barrel laws. Sure enough, I’m agog.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/29/us/29rain.html

  266. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#265): That’s The Onion, right? I know it says New York Times, but it’s really The Onion. Right? Please?

  267. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    Even McDonald’s is getting in on this week’s humor.

    And it comes on buns!

  268. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#215): Thanks! From now on, Crank’s daughter will be “Road-Apple Pam” to me. And I hope that soon, Crank’s part of Ohio will make the revolutionary discovery that hoses can be attached to rain barrels. All those Buckeyes carrying all those buckets…it’s sad.

  269. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

  270. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#217): You must be right about THE BEST OF H. T. I go to a huge used book sale once a year, and it seems old cartoon compilations get snatched up quickly by the crazed bibliophiles and book dealers who spend 36 hours or so waiting in line for the sale to begin. But I usually see a copy or two of THE BEST still left on the table by the time I manage to get in.

  271. Sequitur
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#269): Bacon and cheese? Now they’re just showing off.

    There’s something about that big ENTRANCE sign that is foreboding.

  272. Poteet
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#266): Colorado, it’s a whole other country.

  273. Jamus The Bartender
    April 12th, 2012 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

  274. commodorejohn
    April 13th, 2012 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#267), @Rocky Stoneaxe (#269): Finally, truth in advertising!

    (For the record, I am scorning both McDonald’s hamburgers and Black Angus beef, both of which are succinct proof that forceful, omnipresent marketing campaigns cannot endow the flavorless with flavor.)

  275. Droopy Says
    April 13th, 2012 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman: Your prayers? Which god did you pray to, Spiderdweeb? Epona would be my guess, because Fate made a horse’s ass of you. Now run away before you’re handed an admissions form.

    Pardon My Planet: In which Vic Lee theorizes that there could be a worse superhero than Spiderman.

    Mock Trail: Properly delivered, these lines could be menacing. The bad guys want to keep Rangertommartin . . . keep him in a shallow grave! They can use him . . . as fertilizer, mwahahaha!

    Of course this would lead to a Sunday Mark Trail lecture: “It is a common misconception that human cadavers make good fertilizer! In fact they have a toxic effect on the soil, drastically upsetting its pH balance! A shallow grave often collapses and collects stagnant rainwater, allowing mosquitoes to breed! The best way to use human remains as fertilizer is to process the flesh through a scavenger’s digestive tract! However an exposed human body can be a boon to the maggot population, and once cleaned a skeleton makes a wonderful Halloween decoration!”

    Pluggers: If you offered a Pluggers a drink from the Fountain of Youth, the dumbass would accuse you of giving him fluoridated water.

  276. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 13th, 2012 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    MT: You hear that? It’s illegal to grow marijuana on government property! That means that it’s not illegal to grow it on private property!

  277. ElkMeadow
    April 13th, 2012 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    @IanH (#58):


    FW: Oh, I see where this is going. Batiuk is trying to squelch rumors that Summer is gay by introducing this guy who’s going to end up being her boyfriend. Very predictable.

    Looking back at my high school, back when FW crew were also in high school, the guys whose girl friends were always ready to physically defend them (as Summer did Nerdy), turned out to be gay.

  278. bats :[
    April 13th, 2012 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#264): well, dis sucks…I wasn’t able to view it!

  279. This Guy
    April 13th, 2012 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#275): [Pluggers] Well, it is a plot to sap and impurify our precious fluids.

  280. Uncle Lumpy
    April 13th, 2012 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    @IanH (#58):

    … rumors that Summer is gay …

    That’s actually on my list of things that could redeem Funky Winkerbean. It’s not a very long list.

  281. Uncle Lumpy
    April 13th, 2012 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    At the top is the notion that Lisa feigned her sickness and death to hook up with boytoy Cory Winkerbean.

  282. Mr. O'Malley
    April 13th, 2012 at 5:18 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#265): In Washington also you are not allowed to collect runoff water. Apparently the farm lobby pushed it through. You might think no one would care in Washington, but some parts of the state are pretty dry. (It does mention that in your article.)

  283. The Ridger
    April 13th, 2012 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#266): Things are different in a desert, especially when ecologies are not completely understood AND big ranchers own the law. Water rights were – are – behind a lot of nastiness and death.

  284. Mr. O'Malley
    April 13th, 2012 at 5:49 am [Reply]

    A-3G: When you open a $1000 bottle of wine, you’re supposed to let it breathe for a while.

    I’ve decided that BC stands for “British Columbia”. Not only does the strip make a whole lot more sense now, it’s really taken a burden off my mind.

    RMMD: But we haven’t had a computer with a disk drive for several years, so we have no way to read it.

    (So isn’t “disc” the British spelling? Is Rex talking with an English accent?)

    MT: There are big problems with people who grow pot on public land. Such as, they put in illegal irrigation systems that divert natural water flow, causing erosion and other problems. The people who are left there to guard and tend the crop cause accumulation of garbage and human waste. They set up booby traps which can injure or kill legitimate park users. The runoff of agricultural chemicals pollutes the watercourses. And probably more things than that.

    The people who live with the crop are usually poorly paid illegal immigrants. The operation is typically owned by one of the big Mexican syndicates. As a result of the successful reduction in cross-border pot trafficking, they have increased production in the US. This is in contrast to the situation 20 years ago, when most US-grown pot was produced by small locally-owned businesses.

    And what is this with Oaksterdam? I was just there a couple of weeks ago (not as a customer, although I probably could get a prescription if I wanted one), and now all this?

    Do we think that MT is going to deal with any of these issues?

    No, I didn’t think so either.

  285. John C Fremont
    April 13th, 2012 at 6:16 am [Reply]

    “Ain’t got no rain barrel,
    ‘cos it’s forbidden by Colorado law,
    But we’ll be jolly friends,
    Forever more.”

  286. gleeb
    April 13th, 2012 at 6:49 am [Reply]

    Gas: Of course, Walt can remember back when anyone who kept a cat was open to accusations of consorting with the devil.

    Sam, Abbey, and the rack!: “Have a huge glass of wine! There’s more where that came from, unless those darn New Yorkers are guzzling it all.”

  287. AhClem
    April 13th, 2012 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    MT – According to Ranger Whose-Name-I-Can’t-Be-Bothered-To-Look-Up, growing marijuana on government property is illegal. I know I’m not up to date on legal trends, but I thought it was illegal to grow marijuana anywhere.

    BB – Hahaha! Child-proof caps, amirite?

    H&J – Hahaha! Expensive coffee, amirite?

  288. Mr. O'Malley
    April 13th, 2012 at 7:10 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#287): The school across the street has a sign listing all the things that are forbidden on school property. Smoking, unleashed dogs and all sorts of things. One of them is “illegal substances”.

    So illegal substances are prohibited on school grounds? If a substance is illegal, doesn’t that mean it’s prohibited everywhere?

    Should they have another sign “murder is not permitted on school property”?

  289. Liam
    April 13th, 2012 at 7:23 am [Reply]

    Shoe-Judging by Roz’s reaction in the last panel this was originally supposed to be a joke about old people having sex.

  290. Spider-Man Fan
    April 13th, 2012 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#278) re: Sequitur’s link: The site blocks hot-linking, but if you copy-and-paste this URL into the address bar of a new browser window, you get to the image: http://www.offthemark.com/cartoons/2000-04-24.gif. Then you can start looking for the hidden camera that captured it…

  291. Frank Lee Meidere
    April 13th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#283): Forget it, Ridger. It’s Chinatown.

  292. Lee
    April 13th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Hank Ketcham has been dead for over a decade, isn’t it about time Ron and Marcus move their characters away from his design? I think there should be a rule among syndicates that when you take over a strip, you have to continue the original’s flavor for five or ten years. If you can make it that long “successfully”, then you are allowed to take it in another direction.

    That said, I would like this particular strip to be a segue into a full storyline involving Dennis barging in on Mr. Wilson during his most private, intimate moments. It would be a new Golden Age.

  293. rich
    April 14th, 2012 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    69: So that Thursday Frazz wasn’t a masturbation joke??

  294. Bill Holbrook
    April 21st, 2012 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#123):

    Certainly! :)
    It goes to Dethany’s Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/dethany

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