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Couldn’t he have just set off the siren hims—oh, forget it

Beetle Bailey, 8/4/12

I was going to go into this whole thing about how “Halftrack Dysfunctional Marriage Saturdays” are always the most depressing day in the comics all week, and that Mrs. Halftrack is doing a great job of gleefully pushing her husband further down his little shame spiral rather than trying to free him from it, but then I noticed that the General’s trademark neck-wattle is visible from the side and I got distracted.

Spider-Man, 8/4/12

Sorry, everybody, we’re going to have to start speaking some other language now! English hit its pinnacle with “Never suspected I booby-trapped my clown nose!” and it’s all going to be pretty much downhill from here, so let’s get out while the getting’s good.

Garfield, 8/4/12

AHH AHHH AHHH GARFIELD TURNED JON INTO A HEAD OF CABBAGE WITH FELINE DEMON MAGIC AHHHHHH

307 responses to “Couldn’t he have just set off the siren hims—oh, forget it”

  1. C. Sandy Cyst
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Garfield has finally lost his mind, I see.

  2. lynn
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    I think we need to add “booby-trapped my own clown nose” to Frank Lee Medeire’s list of interesting things to do.

  3. lorne
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    So… Spiderman can be bested by loud noise?

  4. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    WoI: Hey! A “The king is a fink” sign! Just like old times.

    Zippy: I have not heard the word “grinder” – meaning a large sandwich – in ages. Is it a NE regional thing?

  5. Mibbitmaker
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Garfield: Unsettling: Jon’s “head” is smaller than the cat’s annoyingly ginormous feet!

    BBailey: Either the general’s wife is giving some rare sympathy to the ol’ loser, or she’s being cruelly sarcastic and dismissive.

    S-M: Better than nose-trapping his — oh, nevermind.

  6. Mibbitmaker
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#4): re: Zippy: Yes. We say it here all the time (or at least when referring to a grinder).

  7. CanuckDownSouth
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#Y63): B.C.’s used not only the rings but the worse-than-comic-sans official “2012″. Somehow I doubt there’s a general exemption for cartoons, but maybe anyone who pays attention unironically to BC or FC can’t figure out the “rat out the violators” website?

  8. Canton
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @C. Sandy Cyst (#1): You know how it is. Pets and their owners come to resemble one another over time. It was either this or Jon becoming comically obese and lethargic.

  9. Baka Gaijin
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Yet again “Spidey Sense” fails Spiderman.

    I have to admit. After a scary start, I’m really liking this Clown-9 guy. He’s an asshole but such an entertaining one.

  10. lynn
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#9): You mean it is SFBG????

  11. Downpuppy
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    A3G – With nothing at all going on, it’s easy to just watch Tommie’s shirt evolve from day to day. Today is a giant green bean suit, like in a Green Giant commercial.

  12. odinthor
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#Y53):

    According to unimpeachable sources, all we do is wine, pot, the Bible, Herman Melville, and sex. The matters of order and proportionality haven’t been settled yet.

  13. Droopy Says
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#10): What’s evil and scary about destroying Spiderman? Even though that level of noise–

    No, no, no! To think here is dangerous!

    –should make it impossible to hear what Clown-9 says–

    Stop the sanity! Think of how the stink lines mean Spiderman’s brain has turned to jelly!

    –and with the sound generator attached to his face, the sonic energy should hurt him through physical contact–

    Stop stop stop you can pick your fiend and you can pick your nose lalalalalala I can’t hear you just let Spiderman not win so we don’t hear him do a lesmoore and say “Clown-9′s nose trick blew it!”

  14. Eldaglass
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Garfield: Liz looks heavy-lidded with ennui in that first panel, like, “Yep, my boyfriend, a bodiless head…. Man, I hate Mondays.” When Garfield points out that it’s a cabbage, it’s like a whole new world of possibilities have opened up for her.

  15. Pyzimber
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    A3G: The M&M Agency promises clients to “melt in their mouths, not in their hands.”

    FW: Guy can’t even complete a three-panel punchline. Sad and pathetic. Must be the cancer.

    JP: Sign me up for the Bea and Avery fan fiction! Wait, that must be the wine talking.

    MW: Dawn has had a longer relationship with that pole than with any of her real boyfriends. Life is brutal.

    Spidey: Impersonating Yoda, Clown-9 channeling now. Good English grammar yup!

  16. Pope Buck I
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    The creators of “Spider-Man” are scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to come up with “supervillains” lame enough for their “hero” to be effective against. Clown Nine’s archvillainy wouldn’t even get him suspended from most high schools.

  17. casino LF
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Garfield: to be fair, I employed this tactic in college when my friend was dating a particularly dull chap, but with a hairbrush . “Anyone has more personality than him,” I countered.”Meet my hairbrush.”This seems mean, I’m sure, since they were still together, but as he broke her heart soon after in a most thoughtless way,it was good enough for a running joke by then

    So I get the joke in Garfield, which may indicate that I’m also as dull as a hairbrush…nooooooo

  18. Droopy Says
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Why does Liz have a more feline nose than Garfield? What does this say about John’s attraction to her?

  19. Mibbitmaker
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: That’s his really really shallow grave.

    MT: “…so let’s just stand here like figures on a caution sign.”

    RMMD: Trying hard to make an SCTV reference…

    A3G: “And here’s to the inevitable lawsuit by Mars, Inc.!”

    JP: Gee, Sarah Palin’s gained some weight.

    9CL: Brooke, you — naw. Too easy.

  20. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Gringo (#y54): pronk!pronk!pronk!

    I can feel the glee all the way from Roopville. :-)

  21. John C Fremont
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#4): @Mibbitmaker (#6): Also, the Iowa State Fair relentlessly sells what they call a Guinea Grinder. The name is considered offensive, yet the name remains unchanged. Only in America. Well, parts of America. Okay, East University in Des Moines, where it’s considered Plugger gourmet food. (They’re actually pretty good. Where are my good pants?)

    The COTW’s were exceptional this week, bee tee double-yoo. And Halftrack’s neck is creeping me out!

  22. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Lio: you can’t eat just one. . . .

    NAoQV: OMG! *fliptake*

    SBp, Bizarro: parenting fail.

    MG&G: ouch. I smell Breathed burning . . .

    RMMD: Rex had better skeet-addle!

    SFx: starring a furry version of Crankshaft.

  23. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . tattoos where only your partner can see them.

  24. tb4000
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    9CL: Uhhhhh, this motherfucker did you a favor, Amos. I…..fuck it, I’m done.

  25. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Now that it’s the weekend, I can snark on my favorite strips in more depth.

    AYP: I was right, it is Tara (Sara? Cara? no, pretty sure it’s Tara) who’s going to end up with… uh… well, as he hasn’t been named yet, let’s just call him This Week’s Ill-defined Random Love Interest. And, in typical Tara style, they meet in the most pedestrian manner possible: waiting for the elevator. But you just know it’s going to happen; she’s the first of the roommates to lay eyes on TWIRL, so by the immutable laws of the AYP universe, she’s laid claim to him, till his inevitable tragic death do they part. If that sly sideways glance (I think it’s a sly sideways glance, though it could be the first signs of a debilitating stroke) didn’t prove it, the prophetic elevator music does. At least I hope it’s prophetic, since “Unchained Melody” implies that, at some point, the plot will involve Melody being kidnapped (again). Though, knowing this strip, it’ll occur entirely off-panel, and be resolved by a Sunday narration box.

    Caldecott: How old is Caldecott, now? Cats are doing pretty well to make it to 20. Yet our titular feline (heh heh, I said “titular”) has been around for at least 36, according to ComiXpedia. And he wasn’t a kitten at the start of the strip. I suspect “Caldecott” is not a name, but a title, held by a succession of lazy, finicky, hairball-horking tabbies over the years, kind of like Lassie. And, as we’re reminded by panel 2, also like Lassie, “he” is actually a female. Rather than believe that Uncle Dos is going senile and doesn’t know the gender of his own cat, or that Newberry would draw from photo reference without bothering to make sure the cat he’s copying is the right sex, I prefer to believe he’s striking a brave blow for feline LGBTQ equality. Let your freak flag fly, Caldecott! You were born that way! No, no, don’t eat the meat dress.

    Dr.Q: Since it’s no fun pointing out that this year’s Beach Week has been not only a total tease, but an unpleasant Butch-fest to boot, let me take this interlude to discuss the basic premise of the strip. I don’t have any problem with it being a dead-serious House M.D.-style medical drama; it certainly does medicine better than RMMD. What I don’t get is how it can get away with being a dead-serious medical drama when the title is Dr. Quack and the title character has a freakin’ DUCK’S HEAD AND NOBODY EVER BLINKS A GODDAMN EYE ABOUT IT. Was it a decision made to appease syndicates who wouldn’t touch such a dry strip without some “hook”? Or was Dr.Q originally a humor strip whose author took in a more serious direction, like Cerebus the Aardvark? Either way, it’s this brilliant stroke of Dadaism that makes me a loyal reader. Well, that, and the occasional tantalizing glimpse of Roxy sideboob.

    EoP: Speaking of gay, Brock, could you dial it back just a tad? Beetle Bailey called, and he wants his subtext back. (Herb & Jamaal called, too, but I have no idea what they wanted. Practically every other word was an unreferenced pronoun.)

    YOG(MD): Ohohohoho! Those fat people, they sure do like to eat!

  26. Baka Gaijin
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#10): Yes, I declare Clown-9 SFBG, almost. Closeups of his face are still NSFBG.

    @Pope Buck I (#16): And that’s what’s so great about Clown-9. He’s incredibly lame but Spiderman can’t take him out! Comic gold.

  27. Dartpaw86
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Why does Liz looked so shocked? I thought Jon was the only one who was enough of a loser to start understand what his cat was telling him.

  28. Dartpaw86
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke now has competition. The Cats vs Dogs debate is reaching a whole new level as a demonic hell-war with earth as the battlefield.

  29. Illustrator Steve
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    MT – Just another typical day in Lost Forest….
    (RUSTY) “Cherry! Cherry! I took a picture of the SHEEP KILLERS!”
    (CHERRY) “Rusty, WHY did you take your father’s lens without permission?”
    (RUSTY) “But the SHEEP KILLERS! They are out to get me because I TOOK their picture!”
    (CHERRY) “You also TOOK your father’s camera lens without permission! You must learn NOT to take things without permission! Now, GO to your room, young man!”
    (RUSTY) “DOC! DOC! Help me out here! I took a picture of those darn VILLIANOUS SHEEP KILLERS, Doc, and now they’re coming to get me!”
    (DOC) “No, he’s probably outside!”
    (RUSTY) “But, but, DOC! I took a picture of those SHEEP KILLERS!”
    (DOC) “No, he’s probably outside.”
    (RUSTY) “MARK! I am SO glad you are back home again! I saw some VILLIANOUS hunters in an airplane shoot a bighorn on a mountain and so I took your big camera lens and went back and took a picture of them and now they are gonna get me!”
    (MARK) “WHAT?!! You took my camera lens without permission?!! THAT does it! GIVE me my camera lens and GO to your room!”
    (RUSTY) “Okay, but they are gonna get me I tell ya!”
    (Knock on cabin door) *KNOCK-KNOCK!*
    (VILLIANOUS SHEEP KILLERS) “Good afternoon, is the handsome young man with the nice camera lens at home per chance? If so, we would very much like to speak with him for a moment.”
    (MARK) “Hey, Doc! Do you know if there was a handsome young man around here recently?”
    (DOC) “No, he’s probably outside”

  30. sporknpork
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Are those bifocals or an oxygen tube?

  31. The Divine O'F
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Will somebody please explain today’s FW to me? I’m assuming the photo with the zebra must have something to do with losing weight, or with Lisa, or… WTF is it doing there?

  32. Cloudbuster
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @Pyzimber (#15): MW: You know, I can imagine a skit on the old Carol Burnett show. Carol plays Dawn and after the rescue, she’s back home enthusing about how she learned to love life, and that she’s found true love in the one who saved her. Then she introduces Mary to … the pole.

  33. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

  34. Cloudbuster
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @The Divine O’F (#31): I’m gonna go with the “it’s racist” call. NBC is getting criticized for running an ad featuring a monkey doing gymnastics right after coverage of Gabby Douglas’ gold medal. So spurious charges of racism are the cool thing to do today. Think about it: Cayla talking about needing to lose weight. Then we’re shown a large, African herbivore grazing. Raaaaaacist!

  35. Stev0
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Don’t let the artwork fool you. Spidey is such a wimp that he’s frightened by Clown 9′s cellphone going off.

  36. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    just had a “‘merica” moment. Group of people came into the coffee shop, only the babe-in-arms was under 2-fitty. time to lay off the extra caramel, ladies. *shakes head*

  37. The Ridger
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#7): It’s possible that they paid the fee. But more seriously, this is really about representing oneself as a sponsor, and only a serious problem in the UK (see this guide) and reaping benefits from the logo – though granted some of the actions have been heavy-handed, I suspect if they let one go they’ll lose a lot of their ability to stop real logo poaching. Family Circus, B.C., and the others, and their distributors, may not think it likely that the British Olympic Association will come after them.

  38. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#9): I guess EVILSCARYCLOWNS and EVILASSHOLECLOWNS are considered separate categories. Must make mental note.

  39. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#21): “Guinea grinder”? I knew vaguely that “guinea” was an offensive term for some group or other, but I hadn’t heard it in so long I had to look it up. Italian, right? So a guinea grinder is a large Italian sandwich? Is that Italian as in hot roast beef and gravy on an Italian roll (Chicago style), or cold cuts?

    It’s early, but you know, either way that sounds real good. Delicious and euphonious. I seem to be in touch with my inner Wilbur today.

    // So grinder is a mid-west thing, not NE as I was thinking?

  40. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#33): Weeps for the inconsistent capitalization, for the abomination of adulterating bourbon with Coke, or for both?

  41. Calico
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @C. Sandy Cyst (#1):
    “Finally?”
    Our little Felix cat broke some sort of record this morning – somehow he managed to pull off a Flehman reaction, a burp, and a yawn at the same time. Funny stuff.

  42. Ed Dravecky
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#39): I see “Guinea grinder” and all I can think is “I wonder if they’ll substitute gerbil for the guinea pig? Gotta watch my cholesterol.”

  43. Calico
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    “We’re here!” LOL

    RM – Melissa is a fan of Traffic.

    3G – Haha, let’s get wasted in the morning!

  44. Calico
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    Les may have dropped some weight, but he still pulls his trousers up to his armpits. Loser.

  45. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#25): Tolkien published The Hobbit, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, maybe, what, 1500 pages of stuff? A sizable chunk of dead tree. But, we came to find out that he had twenty times as much unpublished material written out as a backstory, including complete histories of several kingdoms including complete dynastic lists, several epic poems, and three or four fully documented invented languages. This worked for him. He could casually mention a single mythic character on one page of LOTR, and do so with the confidence that he had fully thought it out, and had fifty pages of other stuff about the character, his family, etc..

    So, what I’m asking is, are you all J.R.R. here? Is YOG(MD) backed up by thirty pages of archives, f’rinstance?

  46. Santa Royale With Cheese
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#38):

    I guess EVILSCARYCLOWNS and EVILASSHOLECLOWNS are considered separate categories. Must make mental note.

    It’s like the difference between an elephant and an elephant seal. /Cabin in the Woods FTW

  47. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#40): the admixture, actually. best straight, imnsho.

  48. Santa Royale With Cheese
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    S-M: It’s high time for Mister Incredible to come along and take a swing at C-9 while he’s monologuing. Actually if C-9 was voiced by Jason Lee I might find him that much more tolerable.

  49. AndyL
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Remember, humans can’t read garfield’s dialog. As far as Liz can tell he’s set a cabbage on the table and then jumped up on his hind legs and started pointing at the cabbage.

    You’ve got to admit, that’s pretty weird behavior for a cat.

  50. John C Fremont
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#39): It’s Italian sausage, marinara, peppers and mozzarella on, oddly, French bread. A series of tubes informs me that grinder is actually a northeast thing, so I’ve no idea how they ended up in Iowa. Maybe it was the official sandwich of Manfred Mann’s tour bus.

  51. AndyL
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Places I would never hide a ‘deafening siren’ : My own nose.

  52. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    H&J: So, we can safely say that the Rev here is not a Calvinist, but an Arminian. The pastor over in Hootin’ Holler is not Catholic, but because of his strict observance of the calendar of biblical readings, may be a high-church Anglican. Or something. Marmaduke, of course, is Evil Incarnate. Spiderman is Asatru – not only does he believe in the Norse gods, he’s met ‘em!

  53. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#50): It’s Italian sausage, marinara, peppers and mozzarella on, oddly, French bread. A series of tubes informs me that grinder is actually a northeast thing, so I’ve no idea how they ended up in Iowa. Maybe it was the official sandwich of Manfred Mann’s tour bus.

    Yummy. And it costs 22 shillings? (Sorry, ignore that.) But anyway, I’ve talked myself into a Chicago style Italian beef for lunch today. There’s a place down the road run by a family of Chicago expats. Pretty darn good, too.

  54. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Spider Ban: I assume Clown 9 has some kind of surgical skull insert to stop the sound vibrations from being conducted through his skull from his nose to his inner ears? Now how would that work in practice. Perhaps by plugging his sinuses with glass wool, or…hey, you know what? I’m beginning to analyse Spiderman logic. I’d better go shoot myself now.

    Mary Worthless: You know what? Go ahead and sink already.

  55. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Smirky – I love the punchline today. It just screams “Okay, you know what? Screw Les. Here’s some nice trees and a zebra. Happy now?”
    Only with exclamation points.

  56. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Heart – Hey, it’s all dark… CRANKSHAFT!!!

  57. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    A3G-And not the fake champagne that you usually get from that guy behind the convenience store.

    A3G 2-Margo’s line about real champagne reminds me of the scene in “Wayne’s World” when Rob Lowe’s character is talking about champagne.

    A3G 3-And here’s to the beginning of another boring inane storyline.

    JP-In fact I have killed for martinis in the past.

    Spiderman-If that siren is bothering Spiderman imagine how much it is bothering everybody else.

    MW-I can’t wait for when that helicopter opens fire on them.

    RMMD-I told you to put her in Room 101. Room 2 is for people I like.

  58. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Tarzan – Tarzan’s party happily returns to Opar. Jane anxiously exits the city. A confused madman wanders aimlessly in the dark jungle.

    Sigh. All’s right with the world.

  59. TheDiva
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    SM: “And I don’t know why I’m talking since you can’t hear anything over my booby-trapped clown nose, but that’s the least of this arc’s problems!”

    (Booby-Trapped Clown Nose would be the best band name ever.)

  60. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    JP: Avery admits that, for the proper bribe, he is willing to hire out as a hitman.

    Bea realizes that this is usually Bubba’s thing, and that he might be jealous if she throws her business to Avery, but it would speed things up and be nice and tidy.

    So, yes, “Here’s your martini; go kill Sam. When you come back I’ll make you another one and you can kill yourself.”

  61. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Nancy – Why does Fritzi’s expression and posture in panel 2 make me think that the ‘remote’ makes a loud buzzing sound all the time? And makes me think she’s really watching “Anal Griffist,” “The Toy-light Zone,” and “The Honeymunchers”?

  62. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Oliphaunt – It’s all dark here, too! …CRANKSHAFT!!!!!

  63. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man – This is fun! Why not find out what kind of cool Easter eggs he’s got in his nut sack?

  64. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    I think Crankshaft is auditioning to be the next SPIDER-MAN villain. He’s already got the bad jokes down pat, and today we learn he has a super-power as well.

  65. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#42): I see “Guinea grinder” and all I can think is “I wonder if they’ll substitute gerbil for the guinea pig? Gotta watch my cholesterol.”
    What you want is those special mice they do for fat snakes, where all the natural sugars and fats are removed and replaced with Olestrat and Nutria Sweet.

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#54): Mary Worthless: You know what? Go ahead and sink already.
    Unfortunately, the boat is already standing firmly on the bottom and can’t go any lower. Also, it’s only six feet deep, and the water is tranquil and still. Ship of fools doesn’t begin to describe it.

    Henry – (I just have to say, I appreciate the number of actual wordless sight gags we’re getting in this strip lately.
    -There. Was that so hard?
    Well, yeah.)

  66. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    “Jennie Grinders can be found in the Midwest, especially in the Des Moines, Iowa, area, and consist of Italian sausage, ground beef, green peppers, tomato sauce, and mozzarella melted in hoagie rolls.”

    That’s from a site called Americas Heros and I don’t know if he just misheard it, or is being politically correct. Hey, Mr. Fremont (Governor? Senator? General? I don’t wish to offend…) — Ever hear them called “jennie” grinders?

  67. CSB
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    This is probably why it took so long for Spidey to get that Avengers invite. If all it takes to incapacitate you is loud noise coming from a clown nose, then how can you ever hope to be considered the equal of superheroes as famous and legendary as the Swordsman or the Two-Gun Kid?

  68. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    PEANUTS (from yesterday): Why is the girl beagle wearing a bikini, when Snoopy himself usually wears nothing but a collar?

    MARK TRAIL: Rusty’s horse obviously did a far better job of hiding behind that nearby rock than Rusty himself did. Next time, why not just let the horse take the picture?

    LUANN: Tiffany knows more than Luann does about where films are made. And given the subtext in her assertion that there are ways open to become a “star” which do not involve acting, she clearly knows more than Luann does about how actresses are made as well.

  69. TheDiva
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    9CL: I’m just an uncultured beefwit, but it seems to me the players in the pit orchestra are too busy, you know, playing music and watching the conductor and stuff to be ogling the ballerinas onstage…

    C’shaft: My theory that Crankshaft’s very presence poisons everything around them becomes even more credible.

    FW: “Well, don’t expect me to come along with you; I only did this trip because my Specialest Snowflake daughter begged me.”

    Luann: Yeah, apart from music, non-acting media jobs (news anchor, talk show host), stand-up comedy, modeling, and politics, how can a person possibly become famous without being an actor?

    MW: “It’s useless! How can they possibly see the enormous capsized cruise ship in the water?”

  70. Chaze
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    A3G – Look up “pencil-neck geek” in the WWF Pictionary and there’s Tommie from the first panel.

    A3G (2) – And straight from the Dept of Redundancy Dept, is Margo’s toast to “new beginnings.” Yeah, they’re a lot better than old ones.

    ASM – Booby-trapped your nose, eh? What do you plan to do with your boobies?

    RMMD – A “little prickly?” Drop the “ly” and you might be talking about Sexy Rexy, himself.

  71. Notebooked
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    “Hitting it, you set off a deafening siren! But hey, I suppose you know that by now! Since it’s deafening, you can’t hear me now, but I have to deliver the exposition!”

  72. Jilliterate
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Wilbur & Company are going to be disappointed to learn that the helicopter is actually TLC’s info-chopper, looking to capture some footage for their new series, My Family Was in a Mediterranean Cruise Disaster! Dawn should definitely try to get some screen time, so she can show her ex that she’s moved on and is having a fabulous time without him.

  73. Weaselboy
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    I’m anticipating a Mary Worth strip in which Wilbur and Dawn try to recount their ordeal to Mary, who says, “yeah, yeah, yeah. Sinking ship. Got it. Let me tell you about what it was like to write Ask Wendy!”

  74. Buck Ripsnort
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    Spidey-Clown: Maybe I’m slow here, but wouldn’t getting punched in his FAKE nose hurt as much as his REAL one?

  75. Chaze
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    JP: Avery would kill for one martini. You don’t know what he’d do for two, but I think it involves some sort of sexual act with the longed-for Bubba.

    Curtis: “Chilluns?” Seriously. “Chilluns????”

    FW: Nah….I didn’t lose 12 lbs mountain climbing. I just changed my underwear.

  76. NoahSnark
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    That’s not coming from a booby-trapped clown nose – that is the sound of a million Spider-Man fans crying out in anguish.

  77. btown
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Panel 1 in Spider-man could be improved by substituting “you were so easy to trick!” with “you’re worthless and weak!”

  78. Chaze
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    @NoahSnark (#76): By the way, where exactly is this ear-splitting screech coming from? C9′s butt? Would that be termed a “screaming asshole?”

  79. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    I’d have more respect for the newspaper Spider-Man creators if they’d acknowledged the 211dB siren by showing Clod-9′s word balloons and leaving them empty. Possibly a measurable amount of respect, but I can’t make promises.

  80. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Ok. Guinea grinder. Jenny grinder. Jinny grinder. And variations, “Jennie”, “Jinnie”. All interchangeable.

    // The google knows.

  81. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    So this guinea grinder walks into a bar, and the bartender says, sorry pal, we don’t serve food here.

  82. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#81): Zippy the Pinhead walks into a bar. Everybody screams and leaves.

    Zippy says, “Yow! Is it the sheep’s knuckle grinder I had for lunch?”

  83. Irrischano
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Judging by their respective outfits, I think General Halftrack and Clown-9 had tee time together.

  84. odinthor
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#80):

    Not to be confused with The Georgia Grind.

    “I can shake it east, I can shake it west, but way down south I can shake it best…” Wish I had the visuals on that bit!

  85. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    So this guinea grinder walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

    - You’ve got some sauce!
    - Cheesy!
    - What is this, some kind of hoagy?
    - I’ve got an idea for an Iowa State Fair sandwich. Wanna hear it?

  86. commodorejohn
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Agnes – …my.

    A3G – And here’s to alcohol! And here’s to the weekend! And here’s to the wallpaper!

    A.D. – This is today’s B.C. It’s about how B.C. has a (shuttle)cock up his ass! Mason, you might be taking this differentiating yourself from your Jesus-loving granddad thing a bit far.

    DT – Ma’am, I hate to say it, but when you go for a look of intense, burning hatred, and you have a cigarette hanging out of the corner of your mouth, you just look like middle-aged trailer-trash who’s just been asked to quit smoking in Denny’s. I don’t think that’s what you’re going for, is it?

    FW – So yeah, joke about Cayla losing weight, and then we have a zebra grazing. I’d say this is pretty slim evidence of racism, except for all the ham-fisted Darkest Africa crap we already got in this storyline. Really, though, it’s kind of hilarious for someone like Tom Batiuk, so openly and loudly proud of how Progressive-Minded he is (and so happy to pat himself on the back for it, now that you bring it up, because golly if he isn’t just the Most Enlightened Person ever born!) to be writing stuff about three steps removed from MST3K’s Jungle Goddess.

    GT – “Is this ‘looks that way’ thing going to become a running gag?” “Looks that way.” “Well, I’m off to shoot myself, then.” “Looks that way.”

    JP – Yes, I believe you would.

    Lola – I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE UP TO SOMETHING, SHERMAN!

    Luann – Hey, you forgot Toronto.

    MT – Steven Segal and Arch Hall, Jr.?

    OBH – WHAT DO YOU KNOW, RICK DETORIE!?

    PBS – Somebody take Rat to see Watership Down.

    SF – I do so love this strip.

    SM – I’m torn between the ridiculousness of the idea that someone should be expected to anticipate a booby-trapped clown-nose, and the realization that actually, Clown-9 has set a well-established gag-body-parts precedent and is therefore actually playing quite fair here. What’s not in any doubt is that Peter is a schmuck.

  87. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    So this grinder walks into a bar and asks the bartender if the jukebox has any Hoagie Carmichael.

    So this hoagie walks into a brothel and says he’s looking for a female submarine, preferably a NautyLass.

    So the Sub-Mariner walks into a bar and says “Imperius Rex! Have my cousins Hoagie and Grinder been in lately?”

  88. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    So this guinea grinder walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

    - Have a drink on the house, kid. I was a po’ boy myself once.

  89. Baka Gaijin
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#38): That’s an excellent question. The EVILASSHOLECLOWNS are actually a sub-genre of EVILSCARYCLOWNS. It’s perfectly expected for someone to take the same actions for either kind: saturation napalm strikes, banks of automatic weapons, Lio’s cat on a catnip and caffiene bender.

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#54): The power switch for the annoying noise annunciator could be in his nose, the speaker located in his clown car’s duckhead.

    @Shrug (#68): Agreed and seconded. It is possible to be a star but not an actress. See just about any blockbuster hit in the last decade for many, many examples.

    @TheDiva (#69): You bring up a good question. Didn’t the Google satellites pick up the Costa Concordia laying on its side? People across the globe saw it. Then again, we don’t know if the Worthiverse has Google Maps.

    @commodorejohn (#86): I read BC because of you. I laughed out loud. Unironically.

  90. John C Fremont
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#80): I hadn’t heard the Jennie name until today. One of the sites I visited earlier suggested this was to be more politically correct, but the one in Des Moines was supposedly started by someone with that name. Or so says the internet. I’d never heard the name before in connection with the sammich. But now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

    Dang. I’m hungry, and there are no grinders in sight. Guess I’ll have a salad.

  91. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#84): Not to be confused with The Georgia Grind.
    Or Organ Grinder Blues (Clarence Williams, piano/composer, Ethel Waters, vocal).
    I played that piece for, like, twenty years before I learned that there were lyrics. Smutty lyrics!

  92. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    A grinder with Commander stripes walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Are you a sub?”

    The grinder says, “No, I work on a sub but I’m a Naval hero.”

  93. KreatureFeatures
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Things that Hardy Laurel / Clown-9 has invented so far:
    1) Miniature car
    2) Compressed water attack squirtgun
    3) Acid squirtgun
    4) Spring-loaded jumping shoes
    5) Detachable arms with working hands / remote punching capabilities
    6) Supereffective invisible earplugs
    7) Punchproof nose with disabling noise weapon
    Why is this guy is desperate to be a comic actor, when he could be pulling down 100K easy as a mechanical engineer?

  94. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#91): Wow. And I thought I was too old to blush!

  95. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#93): You forgot the inflatable suit handy for escaping Spidey-webs.

    // I suppose this was an evolution of Dilbert’s inflatable coccyx.

  96. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#92): He was just looking for the head.

  97. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#89): It is possible to be a star but not an actress.

    I was reminded of Peter O’Toole’s great line in My Favorite Year, “I’m not an actor! I’m a movie star!”

    // I just saw that O’Toole retired a couple of weeks ago. Of course, while his character in “Year” was almost typecasting, O’Toole is not only a great movie star, he is a great actor as well.

  98. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Garfield-Maybe if it was a hot dog and not a cabbage Liz would probably think it’s funny. Of course the hot dog might be bigger than John.

  99. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Sure is quiet here. Guess I’ll go to lunch. Italian beef. Yeah.

    // See ya!

  100. Slug
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    I love how this crazy chick asks anybody who’s in a bad mood how their day was, just so she can mock them. In the coming weeks, expect her to do it to every Beetle Bailey character, eventually leading to the largest mass suicide to ever hit the comics page.

    And Mrs. Halftrack will be content.

  101. Borborygmy
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#74): It would provide a little protection, but, yeah…

  102. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#99): On a hoagie roll. Grind it out for sub results and you’ll be a hero. Don’t pay too much or you’ll be a po’ boy.

  103. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    FW-There are some lovely mountains in the Appalachians that you can climb with lots of interesting rural ethnic type people who won’t kill you and eat you or even rape you.

  104. Austria
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    BC: And this is today’s BC. It’s about the title character having a shuttlecock up his ass.
    ……………And then I found commodorejohn’s comment. Dude. I did not do that on purpose.

    FW: I don’t get it. Is there a punchline here? Is there supposed to be a punchline here? Am I thinking too hard about Funky Winkerbean?

  105. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-Not shown all the people who are also writhing on the ground in agony.

  106. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#104):

    The punchline in today’s “Funky Winkerbean” is that you want to punch the writer.

  107. Jason1981
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    S-M: “Hitting it, you set off a deafening siren!”

    “WHAT?!”

    “I said: ‘Hitting it, you set off a deafening siren!’”

    “HUH?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

    “I SAID, hitting it, you…you know what, screw this.” *C-9 knocks out Spidey with a brick to the head*

  108. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#106): A Funky Winkerbean punch line is what they stand in at a reception.

  109. HAnzMFG
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Clown-9, I somehow doubt most people would booby-trap their noses, since that’s putting yourself in the line of fire. But since you inexplicably didn’t your face completely destroyed by a super-human punch to the face, I guess you should thank your lucky stars your hair-brained scheme worked. Or the writers. One or the other.

  110. The Ridger
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#69): it seems to me the players in the pit orchestra are too busy, you know, playing music and watching the conductor and stuff to be ogling the ballerinas onstage… Yeah, generally they’re in the pit and have their backs to the stage anyway… Plus, how is it the cellist can show up 10 minutes before the performance? What kind of amateur company is this, anyway?

  111. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    That was great! The thing about an Italian beef sandwich (with onion, and hot & sweet peppers) is that you always end up wearing a little of it. Sometimes more than a little. A friend of mine always orders messy food as take out, and strips off and eats it in his bathtub. Smart guy.

    Ok. The trouble with Bill Griffith, is that he always sucks me in to his strange alt-reality. You remember last week’s thing where Zippy is being pursued by Bruce Willis, and changes from one weird car to another in each panel? Each one of those fantasy cars was real in some way, if only as a 1940′s Popular Mechanics cover or something.

    So I’m obsessed with this sheep’s knuckle grinder thing. Could it be real? I MUST know.

  112. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#110): What kind of amateur company is this, anyway?

    The Windsor Ballet, silly!

  113. Gringo
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Merrily Worthless: I have very much enjoyed this Santa Royale Community Playhouse adaptation of The Pastrami Adventure starring Wilbur and Dawn. It has saved us from weeks of watching Interim Ask Wendy sitting in front of her computer figuring out which one is the power switch, then calling the Geek Squad because she can’t find the “Any” key.

  114. Gringo
    August 4th, 2012 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    FW: Cayla, you already traverse Mount Smug every day, how much more strain can your body handle?!

  115. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#10):
    You mean it is SFBG?

    Sorta Frightening baba ganoush?
    Semper Fi Boogie Guy?
    Secret Friend of Barney Google?
    Super Fly Billy Goat?
    Super Friend, But Goofy?
    Oh, Scary For Baka Gaijan. Gotcha
    @Nehemiah Scudder (#53):

    Maybe it was the official sandwich of Manfred Mann’s tour bus.
    When I was little, I wanted to grow up and become a Man Mann. But, to this day, I still don’t know what that would entail. I was briefly sidetracked by “hidden messages” in the flute playing of Jethro Tull.

    @Sequitur (#102):
    Thanks for taking on that mission and executing it with the panache only a provolone eater would know.

  116. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    MW-Now if you look to your left you will see a cruise ship sinking and passengers hanging on for their life.

  117. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    MT-Quick to the plane. We still might be able to shoot him from the air.

  118. Crankenstank
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Yes, by all means tell Spiderman in detail how you defeated him with a deafening siren booby-trapped clown nose, because he can TOTALLY HEAR YOU right now.

  119. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#111):

    So I’m obsessed with this sheep’s knuckle grinder thing. Could it be real? I MUST know.

    Could it be real? Google says NO!

  120. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#115): I’m home alone with provolone.

  121. Vanya
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#110): Plus, as any orchestral player will probably tell you, playing the same music in the same rote fashion performance after performance gets fairly boring after a while. Wasn’t there a survey somewhere showing that orchestral musicians have some of the lowest job satisfaction of any profession? I think most orchestral players would take a free night off to go home and watch TV if they could get away with it.

  122. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    Sorry. I haven’t read all comments posted thus far. (I’m coasting ovah here!) So pardon me if I’m accidentally repeating snark. I’m blaming it on the breakfast beans.

    A3G: Let’s hope that this is the start of a beeeyootiful drinking binge.

    Snuffy Smif: Loweezy is gesturing as if she’s swearing the truff that Snuffy is a anti-compassionate card cheat.

    Hi&Lois: The only climate Thirsty McGlugGlug isn’t prepared for is a Dry County. If he ever encounters that, he’d throw in reverse or just skeedaddle to the nearest still or the nearest state.

    Mark Trail: My God. I’ve heard ample conspiracies about The Wildlife People and how they actually call the shots and make things work (for themselves! and against others). I just didn’t expect the conspiracy to be laid out in Mark Trail.

    oh wait a sec.
    just got a telegram.
    hmph.

    apparently, if i know “what is good for me” I will “keep on shutting up”.
    Now that is just absur

  123. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#122): As Yosemite Sam would say, “Shut up shutting up!”

  124. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#119): Yes, but…
    There’s pickled pig’s feet, right? And pig’s knuckles too. They are tasty, though frankly weird. And you could make a sandwich, a grinder, out of that, right? It would be a lot of work, removing the bones, but still…

    So. Why not a sheep’s knuckle sandwich?

  125. Snarkotix Addict
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    A3G “New beginnings.”
    Be afraid. Be very afraid.

    FW ‘Til you find your dream, Cayla.

  126. Joe Btfsplk
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man – All of the villains in this strip are just The Expositionator wearing different costumes. Saves money, or something, I guess.

  127. Apeman
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Newspaper Spidey: From the way it’s drawn, it appears the noise is making his Spider-Sense go off. We already know that Newspaper Spidey’s Spider-Sense only goes off at random and fails when he’s about to be hit by a brick or a stick. So it’s no surprise that it’s waited until after the siren started to warn him that the noise is a danger.

  128. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#124): Marketing opportunity!

  129. Anonymous
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#33): Thank you for the lovely flower! I looked for the long slow hugs, but couldn’t find. Thanks once more for being the supplier of corgi pics.

  130. bunivasal
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    I was going to snark about Garfield’s complaint that Liz isn’t reacting to his brilliant stand-up routine by pointing out that Liz, like every other human fortunate enough to live in a world where Garfield isn’t a nationally syndicated comic strip, cartoon show, and CGI movie featuring the voice talents of Bill Murray, cannot hear Garfield’s thoughts.

    But let’s just take a moment to enjoy imagining a world where Garfield isn’t a nationally syndicated comic strip, cartoon show, and CGI movie featuring the voice talents of Bill Murray.

  131. Snarkotix Addict
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @The Divine O’F (#31): Will somebody please explain today’s FW to me?

    I think Cayla’s attempting a little sexual innuendo with Les. “Maybe I should try climbing a mountain.” *wink*wink*

    But, hey, it’s Les – we all know it’s just a molehill.

  132. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#129): Dang, thought I’d fixed that.

    Belated congratulations to Irrischano and the other merry floaters! This was an excellent week for the funny.

  133. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#123): To clarify, I would never tell or imply tallyHO to shut up. However, the ornery Yosemite Sam might.

    //That Yosemite Sam is a trouble maker.

  134. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    A3G — I suppose Tommie’s day-to-day trouble with her head size is old CC news by now. Dang, it’s hard to keep up.

  135. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#74):

    We don’t really know what his mask/helmet is made of, do we?

    oh wait, more than likely his mask is just a volleyball that was cut in half, spray painted and then decorated with upside-down golf tees, isn’t it?

  136. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    (PS @ commodorejohn: Finally did the last instalment.)

  137. Mark B.
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    Wait, if the siren is in the Clown’s nose, wouldn’t it even be worse for him than Spider Man, especially since he has those freaky huge ears?

  138. Calico
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    General Halftrack Bailey – poor Amos, even the flowers and vase didn’t want to be seen with him in panel 2.

    Life is brutal.

  139. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#134):

    Part of me really, really, really hopes that the artist just sez: Screw You, Writer Person! I’m taking this strip into places Salvador Dali didn’t get a chance to explore!

    So this “New Beginnings” is just a visual delight waiting to happen.

    //sigh.
    and, we’ll wait and wait for it to happen, instead getting half-hearted artwork that allows for an abundance of unintentional humor. Keep up the good work, Team A3G!

  140. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    BB: Save the insults until after he’s put the clubs away, if you value your life.

    Garfield: Liz speaks—or doesn’t speak—for all of us, I think.

    MT: Rusty just can’t catch a break today. First his face goes from fairly normal back to its hideous simian look, then the horse turns into a Shetland pony while he’s trying to escape. Yeah, those hunters can just kind of jog after it and catch up.

    MW: Okay, now Dawn’s arm is growing out of Pinkshirt’s neck. David Cronenberg read this strip over breakfast and passed out into his oatmeal.

    C-Shaft: Is that all? Are you sure he didn’t knock the Earth out of its orbit, hurtling towards the sun?

    9CL: Well, they’re both right, but Amos seems a little ungrateful under the circumstances.

    JP: “Hello, Bubba? This is Bea. Listen, change of plans. I think we should hire this shrimpy guy as an enforcer. He works cheap.”

    GA: It’s a DVD player, and Rufus didn’t put a DVD in, and it’s actually baseball season right now. Rufus doesn’t know what it’s supposed to do, does he?

    DT: What a distressing family! Somehow the daughter with no nose gets to me more.

    Phantom: This is the suspense, folks.

    FC: Patience, Thel. As soon as PJ is done with his beer.

    Luann: So I’m assuming Tiffany is everything wrong with society today? Or that’s the editorial slant here, anyway.

    M-Dawg: Um, why? You’re losing it, assuming you didn’t lose it when you tried invading Russia.

    S4th: Ah, Ted and his traumatized falsetto.

    Marvin: I wasn’t aware that Dr. Phil dealt in temporal paradoxes.

    A3G: Lu Ann celebrates… something by pulling champagne out of thin air. This being Bolle, there’s plenty of thin air to go around.

  141. Comcis Fan
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    I’m glad Josh was distracted but think that’s Mrs. Halftrack’s thumb.

  142. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 4th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#137): Ah, this is where Stan Lee’s ghostwriter actually did their homework. Clown-9 said something yesterday about wearing “super earplugs.” I don’t know if they’ll keep him from hearing whatever idiotic thing Spider-Man says, but that would be another advantage.

  143. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    FW — You had your chance, Cayla, and you didn’t choose to escape your forthcoming nuptials. Even within the strip. Les annoys people, and they don’t have to live with him. The only question now is which suicide method you will eventually choose.

  144. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#86): When you come home with a (shuttle)cock up your ass and a booby-trapped clown nose, you know you’ve had a wild weekend.

  145. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    On the “Comics Kingdom” whatever widget that they use to syndicate their comics, there is a comments section.

    I’m guessing the comments are from all over and not limited to that paper’s regional readers. So, like CC, a person in Saskatoon can comment on Zippy the Pinhead (pause.)

    Anyway, the comments on Popeye are usually good because they are just blunt; sometimes vitriolic as if what happened in the strip matters. It makes things mildly more entertaining.

    Now, that said, I haven’t bothered commenting myself. Keeping my powder dry for this site.

  146. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#144):

    Well, I learned something new (not about what is possible to position in someone’s posterior. I’ve met hillbillies before; they tell stories)

    It is spelled B A D M I N T O N

    All these years, even going back to when I played it as a kid, I’ve pronounced it Badmitten (which is partially why I was entranced by Badfinger and why I like flipping the bird. It all ties together somehow).

  147. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    On the Fastrack: I know there are some Dethany (of On the Fastrack) fans out there, and if you didn’t know, she’s got a song out. Unlike Luann’s, it’s clever, musical, very goth, and great lyrics. It’s called “Exhume Yourself”.

  148. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#146): So this bad mitten walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Boy, you look like you’re all thumbs.”

  149. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#148):

    that sounz aw’thumb!

    //sorry I habba code.

    Just kidding!

    So this bad mitten walks into a job interview and the interviewer asks,
    “Why should I hire you?”

    The Bad Mitten sez: “I fit like a glove!”

    //simileeeeeee!

  150. Lisa Jonte
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I’ve never posted before, but today I must.

    It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a Garfield strip, but from the looks of this one I must assume that either lasagna is mutagen, or Garfield has been stealing Liz’s lip collagen and injecting it into his feet.

  151. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    OBH: When was the last time anyone used the word “needn’t”. Maybe I just have a limited vocabulary.

  152. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    So all good things must come to an end. I have SO enjoyed these Cayla-free weeks. Les, you were in fine form on the expedition – I’ve been “in stitches” at all the witticisms. And it was wonderful to see the Father-Daughter bonding; Summer must be so proud of her Dad.

    But now we’re back with grumpy Cayla, complaining about her weight. Why stop at 12 pounds, girl, you could stand to lose some more. It will only get harder to lose as you get OLDER (or so I’m told.) Still praying for a miracle to cancel this stupid wedding.

    Hopefullly yours,
    Susan Smith, President

  153. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    So a Mitten walks into a bar.
    The bartender sez: Where’s your better half?

    The mitten turns around and points to his back.
    There’s his significant other stuck to his back.

    She sez: Ever since I found him in a compromising position with a sock and he claimed it wasn’t “what it looked like. It was just static cling!” I decided I’m gonna stick to him like a glove.

    //i swear it sounded good in the noggin and looked great on paper…..but, as usual the highlights of my humor isn’t Highlights-like humor.

  154. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#151):

    Gasp! The telegram from the Wildlife People explicitly mentioned that:

    I “needn’t concern myself with the goings on in Mark Tra

  155. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#104): Am I thinking too hard about Funky Winkerbean?
    By definition, we are all thinking too hard about Funky Winkerbean. Always.

  156. Tom Cherry
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    The Halftracks are a poor man’s LOCKHORNS and a poor man would rather read soup.

  157. Tom Cherry
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Has it already been pointed out that Clown 9 is what happens if Stan Lee created the Joker?

  158. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-Poor Amos you are stuck in a dead end job with no room for advancement, stuck in a loveless marriage, every year you get older and you realize more and more that all your hopes and dreams of life have drifted away a long time ago, and now your golf game is starting to suffer. No wonder why you drink.

  159. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

  160. bbofun
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#29): VILLAINOUS SHEEP KILLERS is coming soon for XBOx360, Wii, and PC. Rated M for Mature.

    Baa. Baa-ha-hah-ha!(villainous sheep laugh)

  161. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#154): And when was the last time ANYONE got a telegram?!

    // Oh, you needn’t explain! Untruther!

    // The Wildlife People are our friends.

  162. Snarkotix Addict
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#161): The Wildlife People are our friends.

    Since this MT chapter began I can’t stop thinking about the Wildlife People. I imagine them to be a shy, lost forest race, sort of like elves or fairies. They must be secretive, rarely seen, and only appearing to assist when little children or women are in peril, and to extract a terrible vengeance for crimes against nature, like, oh, say slaying Bighorns. Or Nell. Maybe they are all like Nell.

  163. Lynn
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    I’ve led a remarkably sheltered life, so I’m surprised to be the one to point out that a ‘sheeps knuckle’ is the male equivalent of a ‘camel toe’ – is it not?

  164. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#158): Poor Amos you are stuck in a dead end job with no room for advancement…

    Well, technically true. But, in the Army, being a general is pretty much as good as it gets. Even a one-star, that’s still at or near the top of the profession. There are lots of retired colonels, Lt. Cols, Majors, etc. who would love to have had that star.

    You or I should do so well.

  165. Dale
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @The Divine O’F (#31):

    FW – I think it’s a hyena. Does that help?

  166. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    MT: At least we now know how the sheep killers are going to get the carcass off the hill. Judging by the knife in the one guy’s hand, they plan on splitting the skin, gutting it, then wearing it like a shaman’s cloak.

    Why does that one guy have a knife, is basically what I’m saying here.

  167. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#162): Unless you live in a large conurbation, with few parks nearby, it is perhaps best if you don’t talk about the “W.P.” They are good and wise and kind, but, like wizards, subtle and quick to anger.

    // Needn’t say more. I’m sure our friend tallyHo will agree.

  168. bbofun
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#33): That wombat .gif works perfectly with the Bonanza theme1 Try it, you’ll like it!

    FW- okay, so the “sketches” were established when this arc started (what, 2-3 years ago? Oh. Damn.) as being drawn by Summer, who is seen looking back as Cayla makes her comment. so- is she commenting on Cayla’s weight and calling her a grazing animal? Or is it more subtle- maybe she’s looking at her Dad and stepmom-to-be and thinking “Gee, they go together so well. Black and white- like a zebra. A zebra, grazing contentedly among the…”

    Nah, I got nothin’.

    MW- If this is the Italian Coast Guard (or whatever the equivalent is) in that helicopter, and that’s how they get rescued, it pretty much kills the whole “people will pull together in times of crisis” moral, doesn’t it? I mean, I admire rescue workers- true heroes- but it’s less “people can surprise you” and more “people will do the job they’ve chosen to do.”

    A3G- I assume Margo’s “Wow, real champagne!” is intended to be read as sarcasm.

    (Side note- one theater I work at [yes, occasionally as a sheep] is a dinner theater, which has two locations. For a long time, we served a complimentary glass of champagne on Sunday matinees- not any more, but that’s another story. In one location, it was a legitimate (if cheap) french Champagne. In the other, not so much- it was something called Verdi Spumante, which is actually a sparkling malt beverage. People liked the fake stuff more, generally.)

    9CL- Yes, to everyone mentioning that pit musicians don’t even SEE the performers on stage. Also, however, Brooke seems unaware of the existence of DVRS, or even VCRs. Obviously, he NEVER watches TV, seeing it as only fit for beefwits, and eschews any knowledge of the advances in technology in that medium.

    And, once again, may I leave you with “baaa.”

  169. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: You have to give Dawn some credit. While all the rest are screaming, Save us!” she’s the only one with the presence of mind to point out, “We’re here!”

  170. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#161): You know, it could actually have been a land shark.

  171. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    OBH: And on non-snark topics, One Big Happy once again shows how to do a delayed joke perfectly.

  172. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#169): Clear thinking! Gotta admire that!

  173. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#171): Um, that’s this One Big Happy (since different sites show different comics for that strip).

  174. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#170): OMG! tallyHO! Are you there! Dude!

    // L*n*d S*h*r*ks work with the W*P*. Shh!

  175. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#45) wrote:

    Tolkien published The Hobbit, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, maybe, what, 1500 pages of stuff? A sizable chunk of dead tree. But, we came to find out that he had twenty times as much unpublished material written out as a backstory. … He could casually mention a single mythic character on one page of LOTR, and do so with the confidence that he had fully thought it out, and had fifty pages of other stuff about the character, his family, etc..

    So, what I’m asking is, are you all J.R.R. here? Is YOG(MD) backed up by thirty pages of archives, f’rinstance?

    Well, not YOG, but I do have ideas ranging from the vague to the detailed on all of them, and I document what I’ve established in previous posts, as well as what’s been contributed by others who have good-naturedly joined in. This is the third time I’ve done this, and ‘Mudgeons are notoriously long of memory, so I don’t want to contradict what’s gone before, or someone will notice.

    That said, some of the strips, I don’t even have a full title for. (Example: my note for the strip CF reads, “Nothing establishedso far.” In contrast, CtC has a rather detailed backstory:

    CtC: Full title… stands for Carla the Cat, named for Cassandra’s cousin. In this version, though, she’s an inept human crimefighter. Like Spidey without powers. Or Phantom with boobs. With confusing, inconsistent art by the Gil Thorp crew. The “action” takes place in Harbor City. A former villain was named The Confounder. The artist is named Max McCrae. Later retitled Catch the Cat (since we can never get away with using Carla the Cat). The title made me think of some backstory. Like the Phantom, the title of The Cat is handed down from mother to daughter over the generations. (Not forever, it’s been three generations.) The first two, though, were legendary Lupin-like cat burglars. The third one, however, is trying to set things right by using all her mom’s cool super-thief gadgets to catch criminals instead. That doesn’t stop the police from still hunting her, though, not knowing she isn’t the same one who’s been heisting rare paintings and jewels all those years. (Damn, this sounds more interesting than Dick Tracy, Spider-Man and Phantom put together.)

    And in tomorrow’s post, I planned to reveal both the name of the new villain (Mr. Curiosity, who of course wants to kill The Cat) and that for at least a decade, Carla’s been dating the police detective trying to catch her secret identity.

    But I cannot take full credit. Others have joined in not only fleshing out the strips I invented, but creating their own. Squid Countess created PUD, which stands for Pirates Until Dawn, which details the “adventures” of the night accounting crew of a corporation of anachronistic pirates. And perhaps the most detailed backstory of all belongs to Caldecott, which was fleshed out in the course of discussion with The Divine O’F:

    Caldecott: A dumb cat strip that TDO’F characterizes as follows: “The original artist was named Aldo Newberry. It’s a zombie strip, but a particularly successful one IMO. Mr. Newberry (everyone called him that) was inspired by and named the strip for his cat, which he found as a kitten in the dumpster behind a children’s bookstore. He was known as a sweet and loving guy who, once the strip became so popular, gave large amounts of money to animal and children’s welfare causes. He never had children of his own, and when he became crippled by an undiagnosed neurological ailment he never complained. When he died, his loving nephew, who was like a son to him (and was named after him), took over the strip and assumed care of the third eponymous cat. The nephew is also sweet, but a little weird and a known recluse, his only companion being Caldecott III. What I really like about this strip and will go on about on TBT is that of all the cat strips, it’s the only one in which the cat (which looks like my cat Sammy, qv, in case anyone wants to illustrate it; more pictures on request), acts like a real cat. While Mooch and Bucky have great charm, they don’t to my mind exhibit all the many facets of cattitude. As for Garfield (bleh!), forget it. Caldecott’s most notable trait in the strip is his intense curiosity about everything that his caregiver does, as well as great affection for the caregiver. His caregiver, by the way, is a loveable elderly gentleman named Uncle Dos. Sort of an anti-Crankshaft, and very knowledgeable about the modern world.”

    And now that the curtain’s been pulled from the Great and Powerful Oz, it’s time to retire my imaginary strips for a little while. Maybe when next April 1 rolls around, I’ll see if I can fool anyone into asking where they can read Littleton and Caldecott and Your Own Gig online.

  176. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#173): Really? End of the world joke too controversial at some sites?

    Tell.

  177. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    MW — With deep apologies for my very warped mind, the second panel reminds me of the lower part of a medieval painting of a crucifix scene. Except for the water.

  178. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    Addendum: YOG, or Your Own Gig, is the full name of the comic. I append the (MD), for “Must Die,” to represent my hatred for the strip.

  179. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    Addendum 2: PUD was created by Fizzy Logic, not Squid Countess. I have no idea why those two nom du snark always get crossed over in my head.

  180. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#175): I minced oath knew it. There was no way you could do one liners like that without extensive backstory!

  181. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#142):

    “Ah, this is where Stan Lee’s ghostwriter actually did their homework. Clown-9 said something yesterday about wearing “super earplugs.” ”

    And Spidey heard it as “soup for earplugs” and thought, “Hey, that won’t help him much, unless it has really thick noodles or matzoes or something.”

  182. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#176): I don’t think it has anything to do with that. Some sites ,such as Darkgate, were about a week behind the current comic for OBH and Baby Blues. However, I noticed that as of a couple of days ago Darkgate has caught up to the current strip for OBH.

  183. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#161):

    //yeah. to be serious:

    I would bust a gut if I answered the door and someone said:

    Telegram for Tally Ho!

    Oddly, I will never discount any variation of that possibility. I know my life too well.

  184. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#177): And the deck and railing and the eyeglasses.

  185. Dale
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#166):

    Mark Trail

    Close. They don’t want the whole animal, just the head, horns and some or all of the hide.

    To condense things:

    Rusty takes a camera to a gun fight. Realizing the futility, he runs for home.
    He meets Cherry on the way, and they lead the poachers to their cabin.

  186. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#159): Synchronized corgis

  187. Alison
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: So, wait, now Luann is picking on Tiffany for wanting to be an actress. Even though Luann wants to be an actress. Did I miss the strip where Luann says, “Screw acting, I’m going to be a nurse instead”? Because this…this makes no sense. None. At all.

    Next up, I’m guessing, Luann laughs and laughs at Tiffany for being a female. Or for having blonde hair. Because those are loser things Luann would never be or do.

  188. Peanut Gallery
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#124): A sheep’s knuckle sandwich is what the tough-guy sheep threatens to give the wise-guy sheep in a 1930s sheep gangster movie. (He said sheepishly.)

  189. Borborygmy
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#163): Heh, heh. It’s not in Urban Dictionary, but it soon will be!

    // But, I dunno, not that impressive though… “Hey, look at the sheep’s knuckle on that dude!”

    Eh…

  190. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#188): I think I saw that movie. Didn’t it star Ernest Ovine?

  191. Droopy Says
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

  192. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#160):

    (Deep voice): “In a world where Bighorn sheep come down from the mountain each day to feed on the plains . . .

    (shot of Bighorns tying on bibs, checking maps, etc.)

    and one little boy gives up the dreams of childhood — a dream of fishing . . .

    (shot of Rusty standing on the dock all alone with a fishing pole; spidewebs trailing from both to the surface of the dock)

    for a new goal — a career as a nature photographer, specializing in montages of Bighorn sheep coming down from the mountains to feed on the plains

    (shot of the sheep vamping it up for the camera, SHAUN THE SHEEP style, each holding two fingers up behind another sheep’s head, etc.)

    only one force is strong enough to stand in his way and evil enough to thwart his dream

    (shot of the two sheep hunters, one dressed as Voldemort and one as Elmer Fudd)

    VILLAINOUS SHEEP KILLERS ! Coming soon to a theater near you in a plain near you below a mountain near you within a pony ride of you, in the southern part of the state!

    Flock to it!

  193. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#161):

    “And when was the last time ANYONE got a telegram?!”

    I got one in 1968.

    Maybe if I’d tipped the delivery guy better, he’d have brought me more?

  194. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    9CL: So Amos would have preferred that the schlump instead have told him that he can’t possibly skip this performance, because it’s got this hot little bitch of a ballerina with a smokin’ ass that he’d like to plunder again and again all night long, and he’s heard that she’s newly single! And she loves guys who can play the cello! He’s planning on taking her back to his Gilligan’s Island-decorated apartment that very night and railing her so hard that she tears every pillow he owns apart with her teeth.

    Apparently. I would’ve loved to see a dork slap fight.

    Luann: Is there any explanation for what Luann is doing in this strip that doesn’t make her look like a desperate loser? “I must disabuse Tiffany of her fantasies! I MUST!”

  195. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    There was a time when many young men anticipated receiving a telegram that started out with the word “GREETINGS.”

  196. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    I’ve seen just enough Twilight Zones and Night Gallery episodes to know that the magical drawing in last panel of Funky Whydowebotheragain foretells someone is going to be eaten by a big cat.

  197. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#177): And I forgot the ye olde combover.

  198. Shrug
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#175):

    Actually, I’m afraid you doing these reviews turned out to be a jinx, because my local paper just announced today that they are dropping DOCTOR DEMONBASHER after all those years. (Apparently they were still getting complaints from fundie subscribers, even after Kravitz went to his policy of never mentioning the word “Hell” and claiming that instead that the demons came from “Hoboken” — which was funny once, but I’ll admit that joke wore thin pretty quickly.)

    As I said when you asked about my mention of the strip last week, these were all reruns (I checked — Kravitz actually retired back in 2004, and sadly died a year or so later). While I liked DOC, what I really missed was his Sundays-only strip PIXIE PATROL, but given the shrinkage in comic strips since his heyday, there was no way any paper was going to print a strip where
    the lead characters were almost too small to be seen even at half page size.

    I’m going to miss DOC, but the real butt burner is that the paper is replacing it with LUANN.

  199. Gringo
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#148), @tallyHO (#149): So this drunk badminton walks into a bar, starts a ruckus, and the bartender says, “What’s with the racquet?”

  200. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#162): and to extract a terrible vengeance for crimes against nature, like, oh, say slaying Bighorns RUSTY!

    Fixed it for ya.

  201. Borborygmy
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#199): So he gave the barkeep the birdie.

  202. Droopy Says
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#200): Slaying Rusty cannot possibly be a crime against nature. There’s nothing natural about him.

  203. Droopy Says
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#192): VILLAINOUS SHEEP KILLERS ! Coming soon to a theater near you in a plain near you below a mountain near you within a pony ride of you, in the southern part of the state!

    Flock to it!

    Thanks, but I plan to keep the flock out of there.

  204. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    So a caveman walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’s wrong? You’re sure walking funny.”

    The caveman replies, “I got a badminton birdie up my ass.”

    “Shuttlecock?”

    “No, it didn’t go that far.”

    //I will now pause and say, “WHAT?”

  205. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    No offense, but I miss Joe, who was the first to review comics that nobody else was able to perceive. It seemed like it was partly a dig at the ambiguous, gnomic, two-letter abbreviations favored by so many, but maybe that’s just my own prejudice showing through.

  206. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#205): When I was writing that, I meant to include weasel words, like “the first I was aware of who etc etc.” Oh, how I miss the weaseling. 2007′s right about when I first came here, and that has to have been before good old Joe.

    So now I do the embarrassed little tap-step and dance sideways out of the frame.
    Nothing to see here, folks!
    Look! A Bunsen burner!
    Say, isn’t that the Winged Victory of Samothrace?

  207. This Guy
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#69): Busy (and improperly positioned) the players may be to watch the dancers, but they ain’t watching the conductor too closely.

    An old joke goes:
    An orchestra is on a national tour when just before a performance, the conductor is found to be ill and can’t go on. While the concert promoter wonders loudly and frantically what to do, one of the second violas pipes up that he has conducting experience and could do the concert. He takes the podium and the performance goes off without a hitch, drawing massive approval from the crowd. The violist is so successful that he goes on to conduct the next five concerts while the regular conductor recovers.
    After that, he goes back to his place in the second violas. His stand mate demands, “And just where the hell have YOU been for the past six weeks?”

  208. Cloudbuster
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#63): You know, if I was a goofy supervillain whose entire schtick was basically lame sight gags, and I was already sabotaging/faking body parts — fake arms, trick nose, inflatable suit, decoy body, there is no way I would forget to sabotage my nuts.

  209. Calico
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#82):
    Oh, gross.
    During one of Ramsay’s BBC docos, he cooks for Blair and Putin at Downing Street, and he makes some gross thing called “Ham knuckle terrine.” (Sadly I do know what terrine is, so this is double yecch)

  210. Cloudbuster
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#103): Sssshh! That’s not the image we like to project. Killin’, eatin’, rapin’ — keeps the city idiots away.

  211. Cloudbuster
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#194): 9CL: Wow, that would have been so much more entertaining than the actual plot!

  212. Borborygmy
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

  213. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#209): So, have you seen today’s Zippy?

  214. Snarkotix Addict
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#185): Rusty takes a camera to a gun fight. Realizing the futility, he runs for home. He meets Cherry on the way, and they lead the poachers to their cabin.

    Or… Cherry misses Rusty entirely. She arrives on the scene after he’s left and she mistakes the dead, rotting carcass of the Bighorn for Rusty. Thinking the poachers have taken Rusty hostage she follows them.

  215. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#214):

    Hold that Thought!

    If this means we may get the action going back to the House of Trail, we should welcome that.
    Any chance for Doc to actually do something would be welcome. Let’s see if he has any tricks up his sleeve that do not involve his constant invocation of the Wildlife Peop

  216. Snarkotix Addict
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#140): Luann: So I’m assuming Tiffany is everything wrong with society today?

    Just half. Ann Eiffel is the other half.

  217. Harry F
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    Since Liz can’t read Garfield’s thoughts, she sees a cat standing on his hind legs on the table, pointing to a cabbage and then nudging her. Yeah. I’d get a little freaked at that.

  218. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#21): @Nehemiah Scudder (#66): I’ve gone to the Iowa State Fair every year for, um, a long time. I used to routinely see “Guinea Grinders” signs. Now I see “Jennie Grinders” or “Italian Grinders.” However, I don’t walk by all the food stands.

    And there is a strong Italian tradition in Des Moines, with at least one well-known maker of excellent Italian sausage. (Or so I’m told, being a non-sausage eater.) One Italian family runs a great homemade ice cream stand at the State Fair which is the only food stand I patronize. Yummm.

  219. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    LUANN — Hey, Tiffany has heard of Iowa! And that’s not ironic praise. A lot of people really do think we’re Idaho or Ohio. The movie industry here kinda went down due to a huge scandal (by Iowa standards) that boringly involved only money, not sex or drugs, but that’s another story.

  220. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    MT — As far as I can tell, Rusty’s backup plan was to either get shot himself or have his horse shot out from under him and then get shot himself. I’ve known a few second-graders who could think ahead better than that.

  221. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    @Harry F (#217):

    Yes.
    If the cabbage had been closer to her things may have ended badly for Garfield.
    But, knowing cats, it wouldn’t been pretty for either of them. The head of cabbage might come out unscathed though.

    unless…

    it actually IS the head of Garfield’s owner and have been dreaming this entire decades long scenario all along!

    //“Cabbage” as a title isn’t as funny as “Gar… ok, whatever….

  222. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#218): And there is a strong Italian tradition in Des Moines, with at least one well-known maker of excellent Italian sausage. (Or so I’m told, being a non-sausage eater.)

    Bummer. Somebody told you how they were made, right? You should have been warned about that.

    // For many years, after taking a biology class, I was incapable of eating oysters. I’ve forgotten why, and enjoy them thoroughly now.

    // No. Don’t. That’s just cruel, and you know it!

  223. Chaze
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    Mmmmm….Mrs. Halftrack’s first name wouldn’t happen to be Edda, would it?

  224. Chaze
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#219): Tiffany could go to Iowa and get a job with Kum & Go.

  225. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#223): Actually, her name is Martha (I hate I remember that). But you can call her Margo.

  226. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222): Somebody told you how they were made, right?

    Reminds me of the story where the doctor tells his patient to go on an ice cream diet for a week or two, and the man says, “Anything but that, Doc! I’m in the business, and I know how it’s made.”

  227. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222):
    For many years, after taking a biology class, I was incapable of eating oysters. I’ve forgotten why, and enjoy them thoroughly now.

    maybe because they make no sense!

    Should they be called Shell Feet?
    Have you seen what they do with dirt?
    They are somehow connected to the Rockerfellers (who are in now way connected to regular fellers!)!!!
    There’s so much about those li’l bivalves that is just wrong.
    They don’t have eyes!
    If they did they would rule the oceans because no one would eat them! They think their shells can save them? Noooooooooo!

    //Personally, I don’t really care for them one way or the other. I’m just curious about why you suddenly refused to eat them. I’m guessing that you had the same policy for all of those shelled wiggle things.

    Someone mentioned pig’s feet earlier: can’t do those anymore, at all, no way, no how. Thankfully, it is tough to sneak one by me. Because I can hear those pig’s feet coming, coming around the bend…..

  228. Anonymous
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222): You’re safe — I know little about oysters and am mercifully ignorant about sausage-making. It’s just that it only takes a little spice to set off my Weenie Mouth Discomfort Alarm. Naturally it turns out that spices are good for you. Not that I’m bitter, so to speak.

  229. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#228): *goes to find large hammer*

  230. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222): For many years, after taking a biology class, I was incapable of eating oysters. I’ve forgotten why, and enjoy them thoroughly now.
    Well, the mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of the you know what.

  231. Chaze
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    The DVD set for season 4 of “The Untouchables” is out and I’ve been reveling in it. So many great lines. Today’s favorite, from a wife of a murdered con to Eliot Ness:

    “One time I asked Louie why he was late for dinner. He broke my jaw. Kinda got my attention.”

    I don’t know why I wrote this here. I guess I’m just in a sharing mood. However, after a weekend of these DVDs I’ll probably go to work on Monday talking like Frank Nitti.

  232. tallyHO
    August 4th, 2012 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#227):

    A minor addendum:
    I wrote:
    “…maybe because they make no sense!”

    This is not to say that I would eat things that “make sense” but you know how people are with food preferences. Taste, smell, sight can all turn off the appeal of a food. Then finding out some kind of meat needs to be explained is usually a deal breaker.

    Plants on the other hand, kill ‘em all, I say! Kill ‘em and eat ‘em!

  233. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#176): No. Just some sites are ahead or behind or something.

  234. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#227):
    If I was a swineherd, and all those pigs were mine,
    I would move them hogs a little farther down the line,
    Far from Bob Evans, that’s where we’d want to stay,
    And I’d let those lovely porkers,
    Squeal my blues away.

  235. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#227): @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#230): Not too long ago, I read an article by a committed vegetarian (ok, I’m not certain he had been committed, yet) that said that if he had to eat any kind of animal flesh, it would be the oyster. Apparently the simplicity of the critter’s nervous system, and its basic incapacity to feel pain, etc., made it the closest thing to a plant in the entire animal kingdom.

  236. Kauri
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    I see the makings of a particularly existentialist version of Garfield without Garfield.

  237. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    August 4th, 2012 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#211): “I’ve heard she’s a raving lunatic, and an idiot to boot, but that’s okay, because I’m not planning on talking to her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. And even if she does, I won’t be listening anyway. There are better things she should do with her mouth than talking.”

    “You cur! You wastrel! How dare you?” [SLAP]

    “Cut it out, you booger! I’ll let you watch if you want!”

  238. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.
    (Quote by – Woody Allen)

  239. Chaze
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#238): Well, it’s either oysters or those little blue pills that don’t taste good, even dipped in butter.

  240. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    MW-Yes, Dawn, you are there on a sinking cruise ship and they are there on the helicopter watching the cruise ship sink with you on it, and I am here in my home watching you on the sinking cruise ship watching the helicopter and I am mocking you the entire time.

  241. Liam
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    MT-If only we had something that could hurl a projectile over a vast distance and at such a fast speed it would stop this could. Of course traveling at a fast speed the projectile might kill the kid but who cares.

  242. pastordan
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    I was hoping the website for the Dictionary of American Regional English–where I worked as a work-study stooge many many years ago–would be able to shed some light on where “grinder” is used, precisely. They have awesome maps in the dictionary itself. Alas, “grinder” isn’t one of the sample entries. But they do have a list of synonyms for “submarine sandwich”:

    Cuban sandwich [chiefly FL]
    dagwood [scattered, but esp MN, IA, CO]
    grinder [chiefly NEng]
    hero [scattered, but esp NYC]
    hoagie [chiefly PA, NJ, but becoming more widely recognized]
    Italian sandwich [NEast, esp ME]
    poor boy [orig New Orleans LA; now widespread exc NEast, Mid Atl; esp freq Gulf States, TN, TX]
    sub, submarine sandwich [orig scattered but chiefly NEast, N Cent, C Atl; now widespread]
    torpedo sandwich [orig NEast, now esp Nth, N Midl]
    wedge [chiefly seNY]

    You were so easy to inform! Never suspected I’d be without out snark!

  243. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#242): And according to the Urban Dictionary, their #1 definition of a “grinder” is:

    A container filled with small nails or little poles fitted into the insides to help grind marijuana up to make rolling blunts easier. Will often come with a keef screen so you can pack keef on top. As in…

    I bought a grinder in haight today so i can roll my bud easier.

    I could say, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it” but I’d rather you use it in a sermon.

  244. Raghead The Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    About Garfield, is Cabbagehead a pejorative term now? May I use it without being sued by whoever draws for Jim Davis these days?

  245. Raghead The Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    August 4th, 2012 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#242): dagwood

    Figures.

  246. Peanut Gallery
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#190): That’s right. It was a wild and wooly performance. His famous line was “Come on, fellahs, we’d better take it on the lamb!”

    (Sorry that took so long. I had to go out to the local fair and look at some sheep for inspiration.)

    (Just kidding, of course! I really went out to the local fair for some freshly made cinnamon doughnuts.)

  247. pastordan
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#243): I would say I could never preach that, except… One Thanksgiving Eve we held our annual “Make Sure The Pastor Works Before Consuming 5,000 Calories of Carbohydrates and Chemical-Laden Poultry” service. In the course of the service, I asked members to name things they were thankful for in their lives. And one guy–a sixty-something ex-Marine right-wing nutjob–thanked one of his buddies in the congregation for providing him with his “special medicine” for aches and pains related to arthritis. So maybe I could get away with it. Except that guy hates me now, so he won’t be around to hear it. Come to think of it, all of the acknowledged dope fiends in the congregation hate me. It’s a living.

    @Raghead The Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#245): “Dagwood” used to be a general term for any big sandwich, but I guess some people decided it really meant a “sub.”

  248. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#202): No, no—note the strike-throughs. Rusty is the crime against nature!

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#235): Mmmmm…. oysters….. tasty, guilt-free oysters….

  249. Droopy Says
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#248): Ah. I missed the full strike-out experience there. Thanks.

  250. Joshua
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    Clown-9 certainly does things differently from the typical criminal. For one thing, most criminals try to avoid setting off loud sirens while they are at work.

  251. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#246): Mmmmmm. Cinnamon donuts. With sheep dip. (New slang term for “coffee.” Yeah, I made that up. So what?)

    @pastordan (#247): Well, I guess if all else fails you can bring in Grinder Girl!

  252. Vince M
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#151): “You needn’t worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, then that’s what you’ll receive!”
    See? All the time!

  253. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Vince M (#252): Oh come on! That was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away! Real people don’t use fancy words like “need” and “not” and combine them into a contraction like “needn’t”.

  254. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 4th, 2012 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#251): “Sheep dip” is what Dad always called clam dip (for potato chips).

    Nobody sells clam dip around here. I need clam dip. I must buy a can of clams, and some cream cheese, and onion soup mix, and whatever else. This is my mission.

  255. Ed Dravecky
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#155): “By definition, we are all thinking too hard about Funky Winkerbean” should be this site’s motto. We could get it embroidered on pillows.

  256. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#254): Well, as you implied, you can always make you own.

  257. pastordan
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#254): Check Amazon You might be able to get free shipping.

  258. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#256): My New England roots showed up when I left the “r” off “your.”

  259. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#257): Omygosh. That is a parody of a famous Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass album… I think my parents wore out three copies of that.

  260. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#242): I must differ. A Cuban sandwich isn’t a synonym for a sub, it’s a type of sub. Just like “Reuben” isn’t a synonym of “sandwich.” A Cuban is crusty Cuban (French-style) bread, filled with roast pork, ham, Swiss cheese, pickles, and mustard, smashed flat and grilled in a hot press. When I went to college at the University of Florida, the Orange & Brew under the Student Union sold them by the inch. Mm-m-m-m-m, tasty. Takes me back.

  261. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#197): Good points. And now I wonder how baldness was regarded in the Middle Ages. Given the average life span, maybe it was revered.

  262. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#260): That’s crazy talk. That’s like saying lasagna isn’t a synonym for ravioli.

    // Cuban sandwiches are awesome!

  263. pastordan
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#260): Take it up with DARE, I’m afraid. The way they got these answers is by asking, “What other words for ‘sandwich’ [possibly 'sub sandwich'] do you know?” So somebody volunteered that answer.

    They then collected those answers on index cards–something like 3 million of them in several huge files–and most of my job involved moving the cards around or filing them when the lexicographers were done. It was boring yet fascinating at the same time.

  264. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#224): True. That would be one (drastic) way to escape Luann.

  265. Sequitur
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#262): A Cuban isn’t like a Brazilian, is it?

    //Or a cigar? Ah, well. Bill Clinton would know the difference.

  266. Poteet
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#242): I’ve never heard “dagwood” used as a word for a sub in Iowa, but I won’t argue with a dictionary. Apparently there are still new verbal realms here that I can explore, yay.

  267. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#265): “Your wife is save with Tonetti, He prefers spaghetti!”

  268. pastordan
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#266): The original research concluded in the 1960′s, right about the time many of our favorite comics artists decided that drinking was much more fun than coming up with fresh content. So I’m sure that ugly red-headed stepchild knows what a dagwood is. His dick, not so much.

    Anyway, now that I stop to think about it, the DARE is one of the last big accomplishments in the humanities not to rely on a semiconductor. They used computers to make the maps, but that was to keep things moving, not to do the fundamental research. It’s kinda neat to be part of that history, if only a very minor part.

  269. Anonymous
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#143):

    The only question now is which suicide method you will eventually choose.

    My guess: Death by some type of cancer, preceded by death kitty.

  270. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 4th, 2012 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#259): “Herb Alpert’s Tijuana brass balls” ls a character statement.

  271. Der Schnärkïnätör
    August 5th, 2012 at 12:14 am [Reply]

  272. Sequitur
    August 5th, 2012 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#270): One should always attend Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass Balls. They are such gala events! You should be hangin’!

  273. Sequitur
    August 5th, 2012 at 12:29 am [Reply]

  274. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 5th, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    @pastordan (#257): Ow. I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, and all of a sudden I was chuckling. I thank you.

    @Sequitur (#256): That recipe looks like exactly what I need. Now would be a great time for it, but instead, here I am putting my daughter to bed. She is hiccuping quietly in the semidarkness.

    @Ed Dravecky (#255): That would be lovely. It could double as a Honey House souvenir pillow, and say “I’m Being Good” on the othe side.

  275. Der Schnärkïnätör
    August 5th, 2012 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#273):

    Very funny!

    I clear them out an forget to restore my alias.

  276. Droopy Says
    August 5th, 2012 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    Spider-Bland: “And now me and my nose have to run!”

    Spider-Bland, again: If only the Big Boss had known it was this easy to humiliate Spiderman.

    Creepy Les: Things We Have Learned From The African Adventure:
    1: Never go anywhere with Creepy Les.
    2: Tanzania’s defamation suit against Tom Batiuk is well-founded.
    3: Never go anywhere with Creepy Les.
    4: Kittens don’t need food, warmth, affection or radiation shielding.
    5: Never go anywhere with Creep Les.
    6: You can take a real-life story and make it utterly lifeless.
    7: Never go anywhere with Creepy Les.
    8: Personal hygiene isn’t high on Summer’s list.
    9: Never go anywhere with Creepy Les.
    10: It’s sad when your best memories of a trip were hallucinations.

    Family Circus: The melonheads could starve to death while watching commercials about food.

    Mark Trail: Tree, spare that woodsman!

    Jugs Parker: Today the fabric of space-time cracked under the strain of showing us Sam and Avery.

    Mary Mirthless: So here’s the real lesson Yawn will learn: If you take a voyage on the Hesperus Lite, you will miss achance to be seduced and used by a con artist at Charterstone. Thousands may suffer and die, but you will be able to say that life is not so brutal after all.

  277. Der Schnärkïnätör
    August 5th, 2012 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#276):
    Also, kittens can survive for days in a duffle bag without water.

  278. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 5th, 2012 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#259): I remember that album well.

  279. Sequitur
    August 5th, 2012 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#278): But do you remember this one?

  280. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 5th, 2012 at 1:13 am [Reply]

    Uh — my Toronto Star Sunday comics have gone a bit weird.

    In a completely different story line, the people in Judge Parker have suddenly become super real, in AG3 Lu Ann is at the Wright Ranch, and at Hi & Lois’s place it’s snowing.

    Best of all, however, is Mandrake, who (in a strip at least a couple of decades old) has just left the Island of the Amazons.

  281. Droopy Says
    August 5th, 2012 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#277): And they won’t relieve themselves on the clothes that shared the suitcase with them, neither will anyone say “Did this non-immunized animal bring any foreign diseases into our country?” I’m not sure what this arc did right with the kitten, other than not send it home with Les.

  282. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 5th, 2012 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#279): God help us, no. But then, when I said I remembered that album, I was referring to the original Herb Alpert album, not the parody.

  283. Sequitur
    August 5th, 2012 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    JP (8/5/12): Raccoon staring into the window thinking, “Look at the size of that ass!”

  284. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 5th, 2012 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#281): This is known as Batiuk’s Gun: If you see a gun in the first act, you will never see it again.

  285. Der Schnärkïnätör
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#278):

    Cannot unsee! Aaarrrrggggjjhhhh!

    Damn you!

  286. Anonymous
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#281): The drawing of the kitten when it got its certificate was appealing, at least to me. Other than that and not forcing the kitten to go home with The Unspeakable One, the kitten story and everything connected with it was drek.

  287. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#286): Me. Drek.

  288. Mr. O'Malley
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:08 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#280): Yes, strange. If you go to the strips directly on Comics Kingdom you get some old strip. For some strips. But on Darkgate you get the new ones.

  289. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    8/5 MW — The guy who is horrified by the smell of Dawn’s elbow is the greatest thing in the strip by far.

  290. Der Schnärkïnätör
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#287):

    See? Even happens to the great ones! Fuckin’ cookies!

  291. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:19 am [Reply]

    MW — Okay everybody, loudly and in harmony! Ah-one, ah-two –
    Somebody save us
    Let your waters break right through
    Somebody save us
    We don’t care how you do it
    Just save, save
    Come on
    We’ve been waiting for you!

  292. Droopy Says
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#284): Unless this is why Summer drew attention to that mass unwashed, tangled black hair atop her head: Batiuk’s Gun is being pressed to her skull.

  293. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:21 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#290): “Great one” is extremely generous. “Fuckin’ cookies!” absolutely nails it.

  294. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    MW — Wilbur’s suddenly-massive head is also wonderful, but it’s Elbow-Smellin’ Dude for the win!

  295. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    A3G — We readers haven’t heard Tommie sing, but it’s now very clear that Margo and Lu Ann weren’t so lucky.

  296. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:53 am [Reply]

    GA — It’s funny because Slim is such a world-class, Grade-A asshat!

  297. Poteet
    August 5th, 2012 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    JP — Bea, I hope you like coon crap on your windowsill. Trust me, even if the coon has to turn completely around, crap WILL be left there.

  298. Baka Gaijin
    August 5th, 2012 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    I love Sunday’s Strips!

    In WuMo, fun with clown entrails!

    Needless to say, Spiderman wins the comic humor contest today. After humiliating Spiderman again during their fight, Clown-9 publicly humiliates him with a prank anyone over the age of 7 would detect. Add “piece of paper” to the list of things Spidey Sense is ineffectual against.

    And in Slylock Fox, Jessica Rabbit and Reeky Rat need to fuck. Seriously.

  299. tallyHO
    August 5th, 2012 at 4:25 am [Reply]

    no one else is seeing old strips instead of new ones?
    a few look new, like Spider-Man, but for Hi & Lois, it is the kids being bummed out that it is snowing on the weekends instead of on a school day. And, Mary Worth, I don’t know what is going on there, couples at a table in a restaurant and Mary’s yap is shut and she isn’t even thinking smug thoughts.

    Unfortunately, FW seems to be the correct strip though.

    sigh.

  300. tallyHO
    August 5th, 2012 at 4:25 am [Reply]

    Oh yeah.
    Spider-Man should just show up for parties. I hear being a clown at parties pays pretty well.

  301. Ed Bob
    August 5th, 2012 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. Yahoo News! is still reporting Anderson Cooper is gay. And Comics Kingdom is doing the Time Warp again!

  302. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 5th, 2012 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    BC: What next, knock-knock jokes? Now, I like a change-the-light-bulb joke as much as the next guy, almost as much as I like guy-walks-into-a-bar jokes, but this is old, old, old. I’ve told this particular one for years, I can’t even remember who I stole it from. Now I can’t tell it anymore, because people will think I stole it from BC. I do have standards.

    // How many ‘mudges does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but they have to be very, very, small ‘mudges.

  303. Comcis Fan
    August 5th, 2012 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    MW: Huh? Wha?

  304. The Ridger
    August 5th, 2012 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#253): I think it depends on how much of a modal auxiliary “need” is for you. That varies from place to place, possibly person to person. I don’t think you can say “needn’t” if you have “needs” – or more accurately, if you say “does he need to” or “he doesn’t need to” instead of “need he” or “he need not” you won’t say “needn’t”, because, thinking about it, I’m not sure anyone says “he need worry” without some kind of adverbial (“he need only call” but not “he need call”), at least not since 1700 or so.

  305. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 5th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#304): I think the point is that the word is pretty common, viz. the Star Wars reference. It does, perhaps, have a slightly literary tone to it, and there is nothing wrong with that. There are lots of slightly literary people around, and they have to talk too.

    // Needn’t make a big deal about it. Heh.

  306. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    August 5th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#280): Strangeness here, too. The Morgans are now on a cruise!

  307. Johann Sebastian Cock
    August 6th, 2012 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    I never see Garfield unless a strip is posted here, and it seems to me that Liz doesn’t look quite like she used to. Almost as if we’re acknowledging that, as Garfield has been running for 30+ years, even if we met Liz on the first day of her veterinary career (which would explain why she was treating a prick of a cat like Garfield) she’s got to be pushing 60 at this point. What’s appealing about this Foobish real-time conceit is that it means that Garfield’s been dead since 1990.

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