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Gassing their own people

Zits, 9/14/12

My wife and I got married seven years ago this week, and we were together for three years before that, so yes, there is a certain amount of gas-passing that goes on in each other’s presence at this point in our relationship, and by “a certain amount” I mean “good lord it is a constant chemical warfare battle of the sort banned by the Geneva Conventions.” And yet I still have a certain amount of sympathy for what’s going on at the bottom left of the third panel. Walt’s just shoveling spoon after spoon of fart-fuel into his gaping maw, blithely assuring his son that someday he and his true love will be so confident in each other’s affections that they’ll go through life hand-in-hand, surrounded by an invisible self-generated cloud of noxious gas, their farts mingling and becoming one; but Connie’s face is a frozen mask, as she tries to hide the fact that her soul dies a little every time Walt toots audibly at the dinner table. I mean, there’s a bathroom right up the hall, you know? It even has a fan.

Mary Worth, 9/14/12

Well, it looks like Dawn is going to be living a more meaningful life, since she’s sure to imbue the fact that her new boyfriend (DO NOT DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE HER NEW BOYFRIEND) has but one arm with much more meaning than the situation deserves. (As about a million people pointed out in the comments, Jim’s disability was completely obvious in yesterday’s strip and yet I managed to not notice it at all, whoops.) Will Jim turn out to be a war hero, or even a semi-hero like Gil’s ex-student? Or is he just some guy who shouldn’t have reached so far into the garbage disposal? Whatever the case, we all know who the real hero is here: Wilbur, for inventing the Meat-Tart that Jim is enjoying with one-handed ease.

Dennis the Menace, 9/14/12

It appears that a shifty-eyed Dennis the Menace has decided on a new tactic in his war against society’s strictures: hard-line Calvinist theology. Isn’t the omnipotent God, who created the universe and predetermined our very ends before time began, the real menace here?

Momma, 9/14/12

“Francis, you have 17 of your friends on ‘speed dial,’ despite the fact that your phone appears to be a rotary-dial bakelite model of the sort not produced in more than 25 years. Why? And, more importantly, How?

217 responses to “Gassing their own people”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Happy anniversary, Josh and Mrs. Josh!

  2. nescio
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    ASM: Spiderman should have thought “Please, hammer, don’t hurt ‘em!”

    Mary Worth: “You look all right to me!”

  3. CanuckDownSouth
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    An advantage of Momma‘s poor scribbles is that it’s easy to squint and say it’s the next step up in phones, the rotary-sized base (still useful for braining intruders!) with a punch keypad, so speed-dial is technically possible. Here’s where I’d snark that nobody would use such an antiquated item … except that it looks identical to my office phone.

  4. Here come the Judge
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    I love Walt’s expression in panel one- it’s clear that he LOVES to fart. Possibly he and Connie have reached the stage in their relationship where they spend most of their time thinking up things to annoy each other.

  5. Anninyn
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MW: I hear Dawn wants to find meaning in her life! Should we have her focus on her studies? Maybe do something meanignful and creative? Nah, just have her chuck a pity fuck to some one-armed bland blond.

  6. Chyron HR
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MMA – Perhaps we should be asking Josh how he can have people on “speed dial”, since his phone apparently doesn’t have a dial on it?

  7. Chareth Cutestory
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “I’m here at the hospital… NOT as a volunteer! I’m here at the hospital… INSTEAD as a low-level administrator!”

  8. sporknpork
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    I hope Francis enjoys a glass full of the filth that’s flaking off of his face.

  9. Doctor Handsome
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    “Do you like volunteering here? I’m here against my will. What kind of car do you drive? My sister was run over by a car. Is that milk you’re drinking? A COW ATE MY FUCKING ARM.”

  10. Digger
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    I’m sure Dawn and Jim will be very happy together……until she discovers that he killed Dr. Richard Kimble’s wife!

  11. Chareth Cutestory
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “I’m here at the hospital… NOT as a volunteer! I’m here at the hospital… ONLY to indulge my own apotemnophiliac sex urges!”

  12. Spunde
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Momma: Even more impressive than Francis having 17 friends on his rotary phone’s speed dial is Momma’s ability to learn this by staring at the phone. Is she seeing through time and counting how many people Francis talks to without dialing at least seven numbers? Or is she merely electrotelepathically reading the SIM card?

  13. Dennis Jimenez
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Zits – Why must everything be so political these days – so, mother is Sadam Huisen, Jeremy is the innocent Kurds, and dad is H.W. Bush, sitting by, smiling as Sadam attempts to destroy the Kurds. Could anything be more apparent?

    MW – 9/15 – panel on – Dawn – “Perhaps I could give you a hand?” Panel two – Clap-Clap-Clap-Clap….

    DtM – I’m guess by the shifty eyes, that Den is praying to the dark master – Bill Gates….

    Momma – Come on Momma – time to dig deep for a snappy come back – Who else will tell you when it’s time for you to make a poopy! Remember when you forgot to make a poopy that time – and then you got constipated and COULDN’T make a poopy for four whole days – but there was Momma, ready to fix it with her Correctal (Gentle Formula)!!! Did you think of that when you were programing your speed-dial, Mr. Smarty Pants….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  14. digamma
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Momma apparently wants her son, who lives with her, to call her on their shared landline from their shared landline.

  15. SDL no more!
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    Today’s Funky Winkerbean tells me that scripting a comic book is exactly as hard as writing third grade fan fiction–which I guess I should have figured out long ago from reading Spider-Man.

  16. pugfuggly
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    MW“I’m here in the hospital…not as a volunteer. Seriously, they’ve been keeping me here as a slave for the last 6 years, cleaning bedpans and disposing og biological waste. I tried to run away once and they took my arm!

    Momma Francis likes to find old appliances at garage sales, stick random labels on them and leave them out for Momma to find. He figures that the more confused he can make her about modern technology, the longer he’ll have before she figures out that she can attach a GPS tracker to him.

    A3G” Pardon me, just putting this captured soul back in the fridge…”

  17. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    I thought Momma and Francais lived in the same house, unless they have cellphones isn’t speed-dial kind of pointless? (I severely doubt Momma has a cell phone or even an iPhone)

  18. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Slylock knows damn well that mosquitoes don’t have teeth, and therefore Moe Skeeto here has to be guilty of something. He’s currently doing the standard two-week stretch while Slylock looks for a crime — any crime — to pin on him.

    Dagwood will learn from this mistake. Next time he buys Dithers a stack of forgiveness cards, he’ll make sure they’re edible.

  19. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @Here come the Judge (#4):

    The Lockhorns and Zits are canon, who knew?

  20. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    9 – The cartoonist will be along directly to explain just how clever he is in playing with a panel border twice today. I mean, everybody does it once. Any muttonbrain can do it once! It takes a visionary, original genius to do it twice!

    Fred – Dogs, I’ve noticed, just love to run races. And collect stamps.

  21. Doctor Handsome
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    I’d like to note that it’s not explicitly stated that it’s God that Dennis is praying to.

  22. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Gasoline – It’s a good thing they won a car just when they needed one. I was almost forgetting this was a comic strip.

    Henry – Good call, Henry. You always preferred the upholstered mother-substitute over the wire-frame mother-substitute, even when the wire-frame one held the bottle.

  23. SDL no more!
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Jim: “I’m here at the hospital… NOT as a volunteer! I’m here at the hospital… INSTEAD as a paperhanger!” Dawn: “Funny, you don’t LOOK busy…”

  24. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    @digamma (#14):

    Lol! That was basically the point I was trying to say but I couldn’t say it right. I applaud you.

  25. AndyL
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Perhaps it’s one of those old rotary phones that had punch-cards for speed-dial.

    example

  26. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Hi – Introduction to cheerleader cosplay with a younger version of Lois. No wonder Chip can’t stand up straight.

    Lio – “Oh, please… oh, please…”

    love is… …watching Amos hump Edda au naturel.

  27. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#y53): Go Bea! Go Bea! You rock!
    Another cheer you could use: “Gimme a B! … Thank you!”

    @Comcis Fan (#y57): …fluffy, moist, simple-carbohydrate, processed-grain parallelograms!
    Having three dimensions, they’d be parallelepipeds, or rectangular solids. Still a great locution for sammich.

  28. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#21):

    I hope you get top comment for that. Or at least honorable mention.

  29. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Crank – I’m afraid the old fellow is about to mistake that checker for an Oreo, thus ending the checkers game prematurely.

    A3G – Honest, I’m not being nitpicky (well, yes, I actually am) but does Margo have the magic ability to make every room she’s in color coordinated with her outfit?

    MT – Think again, bad guy poachers, you ain’t getting near Sassy with that badass squirrel about to spring. By the way, has anyone ever seen Rusty and that squirrel in the same place at the same time?

    MW – “I’m the one armed health inspector and that milk you’re drinking is laced with e coli.”

  30. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Josh – Happy seventh to you both, man. Our seventh was special. We decided we could afford rings at last.

    @Chareth Cutestory (#7): I’m here at the hospital… INSTEAD as a low-level administrator!”
    I had a boss with one hand, and she said it actually helped her bypass the whole secretarial career path, since nobody ever expected her to type.

    @Dennis Jimenez (#13): Panel two – Clap-Clap-Clap-Clap….
    I wonder how that would sound.

  31. cg
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Congrats on the anniversary this week. I guess that means I’ve been reading this blog for over seven years…i remember the post with the wedding pics at the harbor. Wow.

  32. Gary
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    I thought Dennis lived in Hobbes’s bellum omnium contra omnes world, when it turned out he was a Calvinist the whole time. This is very enlightening.

  33. Doctor Handsome
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Seriously, Momma? You couldn’t even make it an unfunny Facebook joke? You’re going with speed dial? Fuck my ass.

  34. Leonard
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Luann — this is a family comic, right…?

  35. Mary Worthless
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Jim has been hired to be Mary’s right hand man.

  36. The Ghost of Jarrod
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    MW – Josh, don’t feel bad. As a long-time reader of Mary Worth, you have simply accepted that the way characters are drawn has no relationship to reality. Just because it appears a guy is missing an arm doesn’t mean he’s actually missing an arm.

    Luann – If Evans turns this into some sort of lesbian thing, I’m going to hunt him down and…well, not kill him. But maybe suggest the name of a good psychotherapist.

    JP – “Seriously, that skunk wasn’t descented. If he’d sprayed, you’d be gasping for air.”

  37. The Ghost of Jarrod
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Momma – Speed dial? Is this 1997? It is? Okay.

  38. Mary Worthless
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Jim also has phantom pains. He has the arm of Aldo Kelrast.

  39. Irrischano
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    “Francis, you have 17 of your friends on ‘speed dial’. Why?” “Because, I need all the amphetamine hookups I can get!”

    I really feel uneasy about the sandwich that Jim is clutching. It probably has two days left ’til retirement.

  40. geekwhisperer
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Spunde (#12): Oh Spunde, you whippersnapper. Are you so young that you don’t remember that the early “speed dial” phones had a place where you could insert a piece of paper next to the speed “dial” buttons and write that person’s name? So Momma is staring at a bakelite rotary dial phone and thinking of it as an also-outdated 90′s style digital instrument all in an age of “Siri, call home”.

  41. Mary Worthless
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Mrs Josh: If you have that 7 year itch, Jim still has the ability to scratch it.

  42. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Zits – I really dig the chili bowl. It’s from the Charley Brown collection isn’t it?

    Jump Start – Bathroom humor. I mean, literally.

    LuAnn – I dunno, that mailperson looks pretty butch. This could get interesting.

    GT – Based on the rather fey response from the Mudlark on the ground, plus the fact that a 5.9 170lb Irish kid who’s never played football before is laying waste to the team, I think the reasons why this team was 1-7 are pretty evident.

  43. Pozzo
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Meanwhile, Dawn is silently dying inside as she realizes that she has no idea how to open the milk carton. Seriously, why would anyone be holding it like that if it wasn’t open?

  44. gnemec
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Is anyone else troubled by Jim’s unpredictable mood swing? Panel 1: happy, friendly fellow. Panel 2: Bitter, angry man. Run, Dawn!

  45. Matthew
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    It’s hard to convey one-armedness by artwork when you routinely forget to draw arms on the regular two-armed characters.

  46. Horace Broon
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft “I’ve captured this piece, so I get to eat it! I love playing Oreo-checkers!”

    DT: Wait, is Phishface’s sidekick actually called “Chum”? Gee, I wonder what ironic death the aquarium will provide for him…

    FC: “Look, I just don’t want to see you or talk to you. How you acomplish this is up to you.”

    HtH: It’s a modern-day cliche, but it’s happening in the Dark Ages and that makes it funny!

    Pluggers Pluggers know their grandkids are a captive audience for their rambling. (Also, Wikipedia says Eugene J. Polley did indeed invent the remote control, which surprised me, because it sounded like exactly the sort of name a Plugger would make up while rambling incoherently to his grandkids.)

  47. Illustrator Steve
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    MT – Fortunately, Ranger Tom Martin’s look-out squirrel was wakened by the insessent shouting and has called in to forestry headquarters to investigate why Sassy is running around unleashed. Now that the alert has gone out it should now only be a matter of months until Mark hears about it and takes matters into his own fists. Of course by then Rusty and Sassy will have grown long beards and have made their own clothes out of birch bark while they enjoy the comfort of their new home they have created under a BIG OLD LOG.

  48. Doctor Handsome
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Why would Jeremy eat dinner before his date? Do his folks assume he and Sara will skip the preliminaries and get right down to making grandbabies? “Fuel up, son. And fuck her hard.”

  49. Horace Broon
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Crank: “I captured this piece, so I get to eat it! I love playing Oreo-checkers!”

    DT: Wait, is Phishface’s henchman actually called Chum? Gee, I wonder what ironic death awaits him. At the aquarium.

    FC: “Look, I just don’t want to have to talk to you or look at you. How you acomplish this is up to you.”

    Pluggers: Pluggers know their grandkids are a captive audience for their crazy rambling. Also, I checked Wikipedia, and Eugene J. Polley really did invent the remote control. Which surprised me, because it sounds exactly like the sort of name a Plugger would make up while rambling to his grandkids.

  50. UncleJeff
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @AndyL (#25): THAT is amazing! Thanks for sharing. I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I’ve never seen anything like that.

  51. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    BB – Um…. a two man kayak? Is this the latest development in armed warfare? Isn’t a two man kayak….ummm…a canoe?

  52. Horace Broon
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Er, oops? I lost the connection just after hitting “post”, and when it reloaded, it really looked like it hadn’t got through…

  53. True Fable
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Look out, Dawn. Jim’s armed.

    Oh God I hate myself right now.

  54. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    @AndyL (#25): Is that a pack of Herb and Jamaal cigs to the left of the phone?

  55. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Luann – Luann is still underage. So her plan involves her persauding the mail carrier to commit two felonies – statutory rape and mail tampering. From the way Quill first fell asleep, then bolted out of the room on a flimsy, unbelievable pretext when we was alone with her, I doubt her skillz are up to the task.

    The fact that she is willing to go down (this route) based on Toni Baloney’s barely articulated relationship advice says all we need to know about Luann’s intelligence.

  56. Justin
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Francis lives with Momma, right? I assume that Momma isn’t paying for two seperate land lines, and given the fact that the strip already seems to be set in the 80s at best I doubt she has a cell phone. So really, Momma wants that phone to be able to call its own number.

  57. Esther Blodgett
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Luann: The punchline here is that Luann is totally willing to use her slut-lips to go down on the mail carrier regardless of gender. Right? That’s pretty progressive for this strip, really.

    Zits: I can’t disagree with anything here.

    PBS: I’m feeling a bit molybdenum myself today.

    JP: Josh, can I include Bea in my Presidential slashfic? She could really bring Nixon down a peg.

  58. Dennis Jimenez
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Mary Worthless (#38): *In Bandar Tongue….

  59. Esther Blodgett
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#9): Based on how much coffee I just snorted out my nose… COTW!

  60. Mibbitmaker
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Gee, thanks Scott, Borgman, and Josh for my least favorite subject on earth! My own first thought was more “OMIGOD, they’re going to BURN THEIR MOUTHS OFF with that stuff!”

    Oh, and
    New PCK!

    (My apologies to Surrelia and Michelle for this context)

    Can’t wait for the Friday metapost!

  61. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MW – Yeah, I was a patient in this hospital. Got MRSA in my left arm and it developed into flesh eating fasciitis. Been sorta hanging around figuring out how to get even. Uh….you might want to think twice about drinking that milk.

  62. Doctor Handsome
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Uh, is 911 on speed dial as well? Because Francis’s leg is… no, don’t look at it, bro. You’ll be fine, just relax. JESUS CHRIST, IS SOMEONE CALLING AN AMBULANCE?!

  63. geekwhisperer
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Are we in some kind of comics plot black hole? The closer we get to the singularity the fewer and fewer options writers seem to have until, I think we can see this coming, all plots are finally merged into one. So we have “the character with one arm” we have “sees a pot grow operation” we have “steal camera with incriminating evidence” and on top of it all for the dailies we have “obtusely poke fun at technology we don’t really understand so as to sound incredibly stupid.”

    Pretty soon we’ll have one mega comic where a one-armed kid is kidnapped by pot-growing poachers and he’ll escape when a bear hits the bad guys across the mouth with an anachronistic Nikon. The punchline will be: “Now that’s what I call a facebook!”

  64. UncleJeff
    September 14th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW: “Actually, Dawn. I’m a surgeon! Come on in to the surgery theater sometime and I’ll show you how I clip off the suture thread with my teeth! Sure it leads to infections sometimes but because of the ADA, the hospital’s afraid to fire me.

  65. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Frazz: LMAO! take THAT, smother-parentals.

    A&J: huhhhhh-BAH!

    Doons: *fans the redhead*

    LIO: words fail me. *FOOMPT* *dies laughing*

    SBp: it would be funnier if they were playing poker.

    PBS: obligatory response. (bonus points if you know what this is before clicking)

    Bizarro: nicely meta. *golf claps*

    PMP: guest-starring Heart, up-aged.

    Pluggers: is this a kissing story?

    SFx: Kaleb, age 13: saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-LUTE!!! (and this coming from a Lions fan!)

  66. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#50): @AndyL (#25):

    Good stuff, thanks, Andy!

    The card dialer, an electronic finger that dials for you! Here’s an old Bell System promotional video for it (1961) and much more!

  67. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . .going to see Edda and Amos.

  68. Mary Worthless
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#53):

    He is a one armed bandit.

    Careful where you stuff those quarters.

  69. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Zits: <David Letterman dumb guy voice> Uh, does that chili have beans? </David Letterman dumb guy voice>

  70. seismic-2
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    GT: Sorry, number 13, but you’re the one who needs to learn what a red jersey means. Have you ever seen Star Trek?

  71. TheDiva
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Happy anniversary to the Joshes!

    MW: And now it’s Dawn’s turn to impart the lesson of “nobody cares what horrible things you’re going through, just shut up and be happy!” to another person. The cycle continues. (In other news, what’s up with Jim’s empty sleeve? That thing must hang down to his knees when it’s unpinned!)

    Zits: Nothing says true love like being able to fart freely in front of each other.

  72. Scooby Don't
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Q. What did the Calvinist say after falling down the stairs?

    A. Thank God, that’s over with.

  73. Remmy
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    9CL: May the edge of those panels be very sharp, and then slice the head off these two dip shits.

  74. Ian Beste
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#71):
    In other news, what’s up with Jim’s empty sleeve? That thing must hang down to his knees when it’s unpinned!

    Aww yeah ba-bee, its long…

  75. Mary Worthless
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#71):

    Dawn is hoping that it hangs to his knees. She may even volunteer to un-pin it.

  76. Ian Beste
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @Remmy (#73): Sadly, the heads don’t do the thinking.

  77. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Happy anniversary Josh and wife! May there be many love farts in your future!

  78. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @geekwhisperer (#63): I KNEW Sheldon Cooper posted here. I KNEW it. For what it’s worth, I am a member of the spectrum disorder club, myself.

  79. Chad Sexington
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Ohmigod! The visual reveal of today’s Mary Worth was more than I could bear. My left arm nearly fell off from laughing so hard! As Jim grimaces angrily, our vantage point rotates to let the readers infer the completion of his thought. “I’m here NOT as a volunteer. I’m here because my arm fell off in some perhaps vaguely heroic but surely uninteresting manner. I am eternally emasculated now that I can no longer eat giant two hander sandwiches. Do you think that this flimsy hospital cafeteria bologna and Swiss on white was my first choice? WELL IT WASN’T!

  80. NoahSnark
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    I prefer to travel to the next stage of my relationships without booster rockets.

  81. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    DtM: If Dennis was saying a Calvinist prayer, he’d be blaming it on a stuffed tiger.

    Mmmm. Stuffed tiger.

  82. Scooby Don't
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Chaze (#42):

    The zig zag often appears on bowls and I think even a purse or pocket book at some point. I think it started appearing after Schultz’s death. Even if it appeared earlier, I have always thought it is a nice nod of recognition to the importance of Peanuts and Schultz in the comic strip world.

  83. Bardelot
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    If I wasn’t in a library, I would have burst out laughing at seeing the pinned-up sleeve in Mary Worth. Of course the blandly hot guy Dawn meets her first day volunteering has a real problem to put her moping about her ex-boyfriend to shame. It’s not enough to have her narrowly escape death, she has to be pummeled into Learning a Lesson.

  84. TheDiva
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    9CL: Juliette approves if Edda’s immature, idiotic behavior. This explains so much. (Also, Brooke, just because you can lean on the fourth wall doesn’t mean you should.)

    FW: He gets paid to write this crap? (I’ll let you decide whether that’s a comment on the character or the creator.)

    GT: Ah, so the Irish kid is a violent brawler! Now there’s the broad cultural stereotyping I’ve come to expect from the comics page!

    Luann: *sigh* Evans, just get that job writing barely legal lesbian porn you’ve obviously always wanted and get it over with.

    Pluggers are terribly boring.

    SM: Oh no, that foam-rubber clown hammer could hit someone!

  85. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    You know how when you go to work and a couple of other guys are dressed the same as you (khakis and a blue shirt, wow!!) and someone says, “Hey, did you guys call each other last night and coordinate those outfits?”

    I’m thinking that I’d like to do that with our comics writers about these plot lines.

    “Hey, did you guys call each and coordinate these one armed guy plots?”

    “Hey, did you guys call each other and coordinate those wild fish with nicknames plots?

    Ad infinitum.

  86. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

  87. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#yy134): folks, this is why I *heart* bats :[ so much. :-D

  88. Mr Foofram
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Why would the sheep poachers (or anyone, for that matter) want Rusty to come back? Why not take the opportunity to depart the premises, thereby avoiding the impending Fists (or even Boots) O’Justice? As the poachers have observed, they can come back and kill some bears later.

  89. hcv
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Dennis is not “shifty-eyed” — his eyes are clearly closed.

    Dude’s turning up the menace: he’s got a teardrop tattoo.

  90. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#86): Hey, I like that!

    But then again, I like falling out of trees.

  91. Marc
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    9CL- Have I told you lately that I hate you?

    A3G- Is there anything in the world that sounds like it could be more boring than lunch with Tommie?

    Mark Trail- The poachers running around trying to catch the dog could be extremely unintentionally hilarious.

    Mary Worth- “I’m here at the hospital, but not as a volunteer. Can you believe they paid me $300 to take my left arm?!?!”
    Did anyone else have the thought that Jim would grow up to become J. Walter Weatherman, the one armed, teacher of lessons from Arrested Development?

    Luann- AH HA, all of my railing yesterday about the tamper proof security features of mailboxes seems to have paid off. Or at least I’m going to pretend it did.

    Funky- Foiled again by the shitty ideas of a manic depressant, 30 year old virgin.

    Crankshaft- Those flashing lights were the police cars trying to get you to stop after you blew that red light.

  92. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Scooby Don’t (#72): Hey, that’s pretty good! One of your own?

  93. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    9CL – “Then I gratuitiously humiliated and symbolically castrated my new fiancee in front of thousands of people!”

    “Good job! You’ve chosen well. He will be easily tamed and assimilated.”

    If Amos wasn’t such an asshole, I might actually feel sorry for him.

  94. Old School Allie Cat
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#21): @Chaze (#51):

    They actually do make 2 person kayaks – my father, upon retiring from 35 years in hospital administration, went to work in the Paddling department at REI, where these were dubbed “The Divorce Model”.

  95. Dennis Jimenez
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Scooby Don’t (#72): Why are there so few Hindu lawyers? It’s all those lives you have to spend as a dung beetle making up for it….

  96. Liam
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    MW-I’m I’m a doctor here. They keep me here with the promise of a paycheck.

    JP-I’ve been pumping poison gas into this room.

    JP 2-You have to watch out for those pot growers. Those are some dangerous people out there unlike your calm easygoing meth makers.

    Gil Thorp-He hits like a beast because the Irish are a violent group of people.

    Love Is-An education on how accepting people are of public nudity.

    RMMD-That reassures Rex because then he won’t have to tip the driver.

  97. seismic-2
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    9CL: I feel betrayed that this strip has apparently abandoned its only interesting (and more importantly, its only even remotely endurable) story arc in recent years. Whatever happened to the Professor and Mary Ann????

  98. Steve
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Momma: Francis is Amanda from The Glass Menagerie, and those are his seventeen gentlemen callers.

  99. Liam
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    A3G-And for Margo’s next trick watch as she turns the coffee pot into a mug.

  100. Scooby Don't
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#92):

    No, I can’t take credit for it. I know two other Calvinist/Puritan jokes.

    You know you might be a Puritan if you have a the sneaking suspicion that somewhere, someone might be having a good time.

    Q. Why don’t the Puritans allows premarital sex?
    A. They are afraid it might lead to dancing.

  101. Liam
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    MW-You know how medical schools will use cadavers for the students to test their skills on. Well this place is too cheap to afford cadavers and use volunteers. I thought I was just going to be testing new drugs.

  102. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    I thought Francis didn’t live with Momma, but had his own apartment. Thus the 62,538 “Your apartment in a pig sty!” related jokes in that comic over the years.

  103. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#71): In other news, what’s up with Jim’s empty sleeve? That thing must hang down to his knees when it’s unpinned!

    Well, he had to have all those custom shirts made to accommodate his freakishly long left arm, so it was a shame to waste them. And, after all, the arm will eventually regenerate anyway, and grow to the same length.

  104. Liam
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Momma-Those “friends” on speed dial are really his customers. Francis makes money as a drug dealer and those are the ones he sells speed to.

  105. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#46): Wait, is Phishface’s sidekick actually called “Chum”? Gee, I wonder what ironic death the aquarium will provide for him…

    Maybe he’ll choke to death on some Chum Gum. (I loved the stuff when I was four or five — two brittle sticks for a penny!)

    @Chaze (#51): A two-man kayak is still a kayak. I looked it up, because I thought it was an umiak, and I was going to correct them, but I was wrong.

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#65): I didn’t guess where PBS was going, but I can sing it. Does that count? (Saw a nine-year-old singing it in an online video a day or so back. Realized I’ve been mispronouncing “Cerium” all these years.)

    @TheDiva (#84): Oh no, that foam-rubber clown hammer could hit someone!
    Clod-9′s hokey hammer probably contains a steamroller that opens up to reveal an Atlas missile. Wile E. Coyote is walking away, sighing over the loss of his willing suspension of disbelief.

  106. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    And Josh, don’t feel bad for missing the fact that Jim only had one arm. I didn’t notice it either, or I just chalked it up to the crappy art. Everybody in that strip has unintentionally been missing an arm and/or hand, or had a hand seemingly unattached to an arm, at some point or another, so what’s one more. But for once, it’s INTENTIONAL!! Go figure!

  107. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#104):

    And there you have the reason why Francis, who never seems to hold a job for more than one day, can afford the aforementioned apartment.

  108. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Scooby Don’t (#100): The “someone somewhere having fun” is usually attributed to H.L. Mencken. I haven’t seen the dancing one before – that’s good, too!

  109. vince
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Josh: so you got married during the crazy hurricane season of 2005 too? Did you avoid getting washed away? Tropical Storm Tammy remnants made things interesting at ours.

    Anyway the internet tells me 7th anniversary is “copper and wool”… I’m not sure what to make of that pairing. A very cold sweater? Scouring pads? Maybe I’ll wait for the germanium and flax anniversary before getting you a present.

  110. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#94): I’ve been thinking about getting a two person kayak. My puppy loves to go kayaking with me, but he’s gotten so big lately the balance thing is a problem.

  111. Joshua
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man shouldn’t worry about the audience. They assumed the risk of injury by intentionally going to the circus on a night when it had been announced a criminal was going to be fighting with Spider-Man. Most normal people would have exchanged their tickets for another night when they wouldn’t be at risk of becoming hostages.

    Anyway, what makes Clown-9 think that the audience consists of Spider-Man fans? Maybe they’re fans of Clown-9 and were hoping to see him embarrass Spider-Man again.

  112. Austria
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Jump: As a germaphobe, I got a chuckle out of this one.

    MW: JIM x BECKY OTP!!

    PBS: It’s absurd. It’s really absurd, but I like it.

  113. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @vince (#109):

    the internet tells me 7th anniversary is “copper and wool”

    So, for your seven-year-itch anniversary, you should celebrate the time during the early Neolithic era after the domestication of sheep, but before the Bronze Age metallurgists learned to smelt copper and tin?

    Which anniversary is the Folsom Point?

  114. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Lupin The 3.1415926th (#106): And Josh, don’t feel bad for missing the fact that Jim only had one arm. I didn’t notice it either, or I just chalked it up to the crappy art. Everybody in that strip has unintentionally been missing an arm and/or hand, or had a hand seemingly unattached to an arm, at some point or another, so what’s one more. But for once, it’s INTENTIONAL!! Go figure!

    Don’t forget Wilbur’s occasional extra fingers. That’s why I’m sure Jim’s arm will regenerate, lizard-like, eventually.

  115. geekwhisperer
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    mw “I was a successful comics artist and I lost my hand in a car accident my wife was responsible for. Now she and a host of others are mysteriously dead from strangulation, yet the killer used the hand that I obviously lack. Interesting eh? …Sandwich?”

  116. bats :[
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#36): as all the kids are saying, “true dat.”

  117. Cloudbuster
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Luann: Is this the first time Luann has been depicted with slut lips? They’ve also been described for the Luann-verse as “Not a virgin” lips. If so, the only man she was with before morning was Brad….eww.

  118. bunivasal
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    I’m here at the hospital, Dawn. Not as a volunteer, oh, no, not as a volunteer at all! I’m actually an insurance fraudster.

  119. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#117): don’t forget Toni. . . .

  120. Señor Tortilla
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    MW: Did that guy suddenly change his hairstyle between panels?

    FW: Nothing can top TFHackett’s alternate panel.

    9CL: It’s been too long since we’ve seen Solange.

    Luann: Underage lesbian prostitutes?

  121. wossname
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    MT – Look at the leer on that squirrel! I think that’s Stinky Squirrel (of the Reeky Rat punk posse) come over from Slylock to take a look.

    Blondie – So just what is a forgiveness card? Does it say “please forgive me” or “I forgive you”? Because either way, this makes no sense.

    MW – The table disappeared between panels 1 and 2. Obviously Jim is a magician who can make his arm appear and “vanish” at will.

    @Chaze (#51): I am no expert on small watercraft (or any watercraft), but bourbon babe and I went out on the Potomac in May in a thing that was called a two-person kayak. Maybe the difference is that a canoe is open on top, and a two-person kayak has two separate little seat compartments?

  122. dr
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    9CL: Wait a minute. Your only daughter is making her final grand ballet performance, apparently as a featured performer, and you didn’t go? I don’t care what small part my son may play in anything, I’m there. What a self-indulgent strip

  123. "Dave used to..." #6,397
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    “Dave used to not volunteer.”

  124. Santa Royale With Cheese
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    S-M: Annnnnnd again, this circus “showdown” was Spidey’s idea. Maybe if Peter Parker, the so-called Human Scientist* applied some physics to the problem he could determine that a) villainous parley travels at the speed of sound, whereas b) a thrown oversized hammer from that trajectory has a high likelihood of hitting the dirt harmlessly**. And is the audience literally glued to their seats? I’d think proponents of personal responsibility would be all over this.

    * See what I did there?

    ** The difference between throwing a small rock and a shot-put.

  125. Santa Royale With Cheese
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    JP: What’s the difference between Bea and a house skunk? Lipstick! Amirite Avery?

  126. Snarkotix Addict
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    BG&SS – Hey, kids. Get Uriah and Miz Prunelly a hotel room, and you’ll have the whole day off.

  127. TheDiva
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @vince (#109): Anyway the internet tells me 7th anniversary is “copper and wool”… I’m not sure what to make of that pairing. A very cold sweater? Scouring pads?

    Steampunk sheep! (Yet another awesome band name!)

  128. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#126): The only hotel in Hootin’ Holler is a whore house.

    I really don’t want to think about it.

  129. bats :[
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Meanwhile, somewhere…ah…out there…

  130. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#129): I would have liked to have one of those natives yell, “IT IS RUSTY!”

    Good job, bats :[.

  131. Little Guy
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Happy Anniversary, Rodrigo and Vanozza!

    (Solve the reference in three steps!)

  132. bats :[
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#130): dammit…missed the boat on that one!

  133. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @Santa Royale With Cheese (#124):

    I’d think proponents of personal responsibility would be all over this.

    It’s not our fault! Society is to blame! Damn Calvinists!!

  134. Lenoxus
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    I’m surprised to see no mention here of the not-so-stealthy pun in Zits: “Um, I’ll pass.”

    Seriously though, while I initially found Walter’s line funny, on reflection it makes no sense. How would becoming more flatulent actually help in moving the relationship to the acceptence-of-flatulence stage?

    MW: I too had not noticed Jim’s missing arm until Josh’s mention of it today. The only thing I’m confused about now is why he feels the need to stand up when announcing that he’s not a volunteer. Perhaps he is aware of how poorly MW characters are drawn, and figured he may as well hammer it up so Dawn wouldn’t fail to notice.

  135. odinthor
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    #91. March.

    A3G- Is there anything in the world that sounds like it could be more boring than lunch with Tommie?

    Tommie without lunch.

  136. odinthor
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#135):

    Er, make that Marc without the “h” (? there’d that come from?)…

  137. odinthor
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#136):

    Gahhh!!! Not my day: where’d. Now I’m going to lie down.

  138. Alex
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    So let me get this straight: After spending last week frantically trying to stop Luann from expressing her feelings in a letter to a friend on the other side of the planet, Toni and B-wad are dandy with her sudden plan to dress up and try to seduce a stranger to get her way? Is Edward Albee ghost-writing the strip or is Evans just that blind to how messed up the sexual and emotional dynamics are here?

    On the bright side, judging from the gradual snake-like coiling of Luann’s last word balloon the very components of the comic itself are gaining sentience and will soon throttle the entire cast, a la Grunthos the Flatulent, in a desperate bid to save civilization.

  139. Red Greenback
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    “How do you like being a hospital volunteer?”
    “It’s all right… oops, did I just say that out loud?”

    But seriously, folks, I like this Jim fella. I can’t wait for the inevitable jazz hand panel.

  140. seismic-2
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    MW: Of course Jim’s not a volunteer. When they were recruiting, they said: “Anybody who wants to volunteer, raise your hand!”

  141. Baka Gaijin
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Oh joy! Thanks to the wonder of gravity, Spiderman is going to fly through the air with the greatest of ease in order to save the day by snatching the hammer in mid-fall. Won’t he be surprised when the hammer bursts open, showering the audience in Kits Taffy, Fruit Stripe gum, cherry Zotz!, and confetti.

  142. Guts Dozier
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Are we sure that Jim is an amputee? It could just be the artwork.

  143. This Guy
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Webcomic Round-up!

    ML: Somebody get this freakin’ duck away from me!

    QC: Mr. Jacques, I can say without any of the usual trace of sarcasm: thanks for the mental image.

    xkcd: Never! Descriptivism is defeatism.

  144. johnny Knuckles
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    MW: C’mon, Dawn. Look at the one-armed man with all your heavy-lidded ennui and tell him “Life is brutal”.

  145. Sans Sense
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: At this point I can’t really tell, is Jim a new character or a talking slot machine?

  146. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#143):

    I am literally beside myself over the developments in XKCD.

    I should clarify that I mean the one from last month on human cloning, not today’s strip, which is literally the worst thing since Hitler.

  147. Marc
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sans Sense (#145): If we wait long enough, Dawn might try to put a quarter in him. Of course even the jackpot is just a bunch of boring platitudes.

  148. Poteet
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Da Coconino Kid (#Y58): Yes, unfortunately it’s true. But I was wrong about the location. It’s happening in the U.S.

    http://www.capradio.org/articles/2012/07/17/rat-poison-from-illegal-marijuana-grow-sites-killing-'fisher-cats

  149. Mr. Rabbit, or whatever my name is
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    That log on Momma’s head will make it easier to chain this raccoon onto!

  150. Snarkotix Addict
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    FW – What is this that Mopey Pete is writing, again? My Little Pony?

  151. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Lupin The 3.1415926th (#106): Why didn’t I think of it before? Someone snapped off Lefty’s arm in order to beat someone else with it, or gesture with it, or wipe their own brow. It’s that arm that regularly shows up that can’t belong to anyone because it’d violate the laws of physics!

  152. seismic-2
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    MW: “I’m not a volunteer. There’s a doctor here who says he can get me a new arm, at some place in Vietnam called ‘Piece Village’”.

  153. Fungushead
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who wants to know how Dawn made the table completely disappear in Panel Three? Shoved aside for a better view? Add to the degree of difficulty of one-handed sammich consumption?

  154. Poteet
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    ZITS — My life changed just a little when I read, years ago, that some people are genetically predisposed to fart more than others, and that in one study, the fart-mores were called “producers.” Now I can’t find that information online, which makes me wonder if I dreamed it. But the search did cause me to skim the “Flatulence” piece on Wiki, and by golly, that was a little life-changing too, as in “I know I’ll remember certain parts of that article years from now even though I’ll really, really wish I didn’t.”

  155. Roktober
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    I would like to believe that Mary’s plan for Dawn was to give her life purpose by tricking her into volunteering at the hospital and then spreading the word about her low-esteem among wounded vets looking for sympathy sex. But its probably just a dumb coincidence.

  156. Pinkie Pie
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#150): Oh, please. Our storylines are much more sophisticated.

  157. John C
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m here at the hospital…Not as a volunteer! I lost my arm in a gang war, and I was able to plead down to 3 years probation and 1000 hours community service. God, I wish I just did the jail time, rather than spending another hour in this death hole!

  158. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: Jim explains “Well, actually, you could say I’m sort of a volunteer — it’s a funny story — when I renewed my driver’s license, they talked me into checking this box marked “arm donor,” and then this morning the hospital called me….”

  159. Sans Sense
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#154): Mr. Methane!

  160. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth — Jim Bob is still bummed out over what happened to him in his former occupation:

    http://www.juggling.org/pics/Pics/grimm.gif

  161. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Scooby Don’t (#100):

    I’ve always liked the variant:

    “Why don’t Puritans have sex standing up?”
    “Someone might see them from a distance and think they were dancing.”

  162. Snarkotix Addict
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Luann – You know, this kind of stupidity can be funny when the characters are likable or interesting. None in Luann is either. Tiffany and Ann Eiffel only seem so because by comparison, Luann and Brad are so awful.

  163. Dood
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Momma: I get the retro coolness of a rotary-dial telephone, but isn’t Momma’s wearing of vintage vinyl LPs on her head a little over the top?

  164. This Guy
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Pinkie Pie (#156): You tell ‘im, Pinkie.

  165. Dood
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Sammich? Check. Milk? Check. Truly, Dawn is her father’s daughter.

  166. Dood
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “I’m here at the hospital…not as a volunteer! I mean, well, I did come in for a flu shot…but look what happened!”

  167. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of hand jive, have you read today’s Cow and Boy?

    Wow, you get a cow and a boy. Not just a cow. Not just a boy. Not a cowboy. A cow and a boy! Now, that’s great comedy value!

  168. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Zippy: Tommy Noonan died quite young, and didn’t make that many movies, but his co-stars included Mamie Van Doren, Jayne Mansfield, and Marilyn Monroe. I don’t mind Griffith giving TCM a plug.

  169. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#150):

    He’s writing Gen 2 and 3 the only ones that sucked. They won’t let him near Gen 1 or 4, they aren’t that stupid.

  170. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#165): Don’t forget the comb over or whatever that is on Dawn’s head.

  171. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#140):

    He still has one hand… -_-

  172. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#140):

    You should have said “Raise your left hand” oh well, never mind…

  173. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    MW: “It’s a neurological problem. No matter what I do I can’t get my left arm through the sleeve of my shirt.”

    MT: It was Rusty who tripped over the log, so in a stunning display of illogic it’s Sassy who’s fallen behind and is about to be abducted by the poachers.

    Ziggy: Did you ever notice that people on the street are too self-absorbed to notice a pantsless gnome with a parrot perched on his head? The latter part because he doesn’t have any shoulders?

    FW: You’re off to a good start, Pete, but you really need to add more glurgey symbolism.

    9CL: The fact that the audience still had 3000 people in it gives you an idea of just how crazed these balletomanes were.

    BC: It’s anachronisms all the way down.

    JP: It’s true. Avery has “sleep apnea” written all over him.

    GA: As you can see, Slim wears his work shirt at home so that he doesn’t forget his name.

    BB: Plato my man, you might want to get a prescription for a stronger pair of glasses.

    H&L: Am I picking up the right vibe here? “As long as you’re cheering for me, boy, you may as well put on these panties too.”

    DT: It took a while for Wendell Willkie to get back on his feet, but by gum, this sushi business really seems to work for him.

    Pluggers: Pluggers see story time as a chance to drain hope and dignity from the young.

    Luann: Toni and Brad have sure done right by Luann. In the last panel she looks like a casual Friday whore.

    S4th: Now I’ll be looking for an opportunity to use “They’re just tears of rage. Hence the burning.”

    OBH: OMG! James can shape-shift into a crow!

  174. commodorejohn
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Jeremy, the sooner you and Sarah come to terms with the fact that the human body does some things that are kind of gross, the better. Just keep this in mind: ever single person who has ever lived, no matter how dignified and attractive they might be, has had an intestinal tract in which gases build up and periodically escape. It is, as they say, a fact of life – so unless you’re planning on having a relationship with a robot, you’d better get used to it.

    6Chix – What Donna A. Lewis draws like without MS Paint.

    A&J – Arlo, you are a man after my own heart.

    Crock – Well, I think Crock just destroyed three-dimensional space as we know it. Too bad, it had a good run. (3D space that is, not Crock.)

    DT – “I’LL JUST ANNOUNCE THE NAME OF MY INFORMANT OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF A GUY WORKING FOR THE GUY HE INFORMED ON, I’M SURE NOTHING BAD CAN POSSIBLY COME OUT OF THIS!”

    FW – BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. Even by the standards of superhero comics, that’s the dumbest fucking thing ever. You hear me? The things on Mister Kitty’s Stupid Comics site make more sense than that.

    HTH – I have to admit, I laughed.

    HN – Cross-strip shout-out, accomplished!

    JP – So, good job with the putting the moves on Bea, toadstool. I’m sure she’ll be falling all over you any second now.

    Jumble – That’s, uh, quite an expression on the lady there. “Well,” she thinks, “if the flight’s going to be longer anyway, no reason that time should go to waste. Cary Grant here can help me join the Mile-High club, that should while away the diversion flight.”

    Luann – HORF. BLRGFRGHLVOMIT. Seriously, am I gonna get on some kind of government watchlist for reading this? I felt less icky stumbling onto My Little Pony porn than I do reading Luann. Greg Evans, get help. Seriously, just get help.

    Mandrake – So, uh, if this is a carjacking, shouldn’t the people the carjacker was attempting to get away from have shown up by now? They’ve only been arguing over whose car it is for like half an hour now. Or is he actually an ordinary car thief who likes to spice things up by making sure that the owner is a witness?

    The Norm – I’m printing this one out for work.

    PBS – Pearls Before Swine out-xkcds xkcd.

    Phantom – Farewell, Ghost Lioness that never actually harmed or threatened anybody! May you curse these jackasses with imperialist oppression from beyond the grave!

    SM – YES, THIS WAS A BRILLIANT IDEA, SPIDEY.

  175. Baka Gaijin
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#170): Bowl, floor mop (not a groovy-cool Swiffer), papier-mâché, someone poured the contents of one or more bedpans from the diarrhea ward onto Dawn’s head.

  176. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @vince (#109):

    A very cold sweater? Scouring pads?

    The latter was the first thing I thought of. Which explains why I’m still single.

  177. Sequitur
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#175): The diarrhea ward. Where rrheas go to dia.

  178. Baka Gaijin
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#174): There’s Hello Kitty porn? Oh, right, Internet Rule 34.

    @Sequitur (#177): The rrheas have been reading this week’s Luann.

  179. Chip Whittle
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: I’ll say this for Dawn: she is willing to wear that circa-1934 aviatrix’s leather flight helmet everywhere she goes. Have to admire her for that.

  180. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    9CL – I take it Brooke has watched “Pillowtalk.” The difference here is that, compared to Juliette and Edda, Doris Day and Rock Hudson were likeable, well-adjusted characters.

  181. Doyle
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#97): Who are those two?

  182. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#48): *standing o*

  183. geekwhisperer
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    mw“I’m here at the hospital…NOT as as volunteer”. Dude, she know’s you’re at the hospital as she’s there too. You are both there, at the hospital. A normal person would say, “I’m not here as a volunteer” with the “here” being implied as they are both in the same place, the hospital. But apparently Mr. Right (get it? Mr. Right!!!) suffered some kind of head injury when he lost his arm in the tragic petting zoo accident or whatever.

  184. Baka Gaijin
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth, the person, is a known wang shriveler. Luann, the comic strip, is a peristalsis accelerator. Wait, is stomach disgorger more appropriate?

  185. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Mr Foofram (#88):

    Well, the Sheep Killers USED to just leave whenever a local kid restole his camera full of evidence from them and then ran away from whatever abandoned cabin they were living in and had surprised him in, but that’s how they became known as wanted in seven states.

    Since they only have forty-three more to go, they have decided to become more proactive and just kill the kid this time; otherwise they are afraid they will eventually run out of states and be forced to move to Canada, where they will no doubt run a foul (or a fowl) of Sergeant Verypopularinthecommunity McQueen.

    // Besides, they don’t speak Canadian.

  186. tb4000
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Luann: If tomorrow’s strip is a time skip of Luann holding the letter and Brad asking her how she got it, with her remark being, “I did some things I’m not proud of”, with her lipstick all smeared, I will forgive Evans for every horrible thing he’s put us through.

  187. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    MT – “I used to be an artificial inseminator until that awful orgasm incident about a year ago.”

  188. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#187): That’s obviously MW not MT, but in the strange world of MT, I suppose it might apply.

  189. Liam
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I’m a terrible doctor. I was performing an appendectomy on a patient and the next thing I know I’ve cut my arm off.

    MW 2-Jim, the saying is “Cut off you nose to spite your face” not “Cut off your arm to spite your face”.

  190. CanuckDownSouth
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    FW – I’ve drawn a pair of 6-pg comics for my little nieces; they involved giant fruit falling from space, a chocolate City Hall building melted by a villain, and a showdown with Venusians on an ice cream sundae comet. And I didn’t need any deus ex machina to tie it together. If I’d tried to run black cloud / good cloud / sudden invention of silver lining past them, I’m sure I’d have gotten their nice try Auntie, now can we do something interesting? look.

    As a comic script, Mopey’s work insults the taste of preschoolers.

  191. Packy
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    Is it bad that I still own a black rotary-dial bakelite phone? I find it exceedingly odd that I can still use it to dial out on VoIP phone systems.

  192. This Guy
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#174): [HN] I’d forgotten that Dana Simpson’s previous comic was “Ozy and Millie,” but what this really made me think of was “Cul de Sac,” with Alice and the Pre-Alicians of Blisshaven.

  193. BERTMARCH
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @SDL no more! (#15): It IS like writing fanfiction, complete with stuffing the script with one’s own bizarre and creepy fetishes.

  194. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @vince (#109): “germanium and flax”? You’d get Josh a woven, transistor radio?

  195. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#173):MT: It was Rusty who tripped over the log, so in a stunning display of illogic it’s Sassy who’s fallen behind and is about to be abducted by the poachers.

    It scarcely seems worth noting, but it is a lot easier to catch a child than a small dog. It is also practically impossible to catch a small dog in the woods when that dog does not want to be caught.

  196. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#114):
    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#151):

    Ah, yes, the Mary Worth-iverse, where giving someone the finger takes on a whole new meaning.

  197. Downpuppy
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Fungushead (#153): I thought that Jim stood up, but that didn’t make sense either. Since he made lunch appear on what was an empty plate yesterday, I guess we just have to assume he’s magic.

  198. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#186):

    “Well, I told the mail carrier ‘I was expecting a man’, and she told me ‘Honey, I can do anything a man can do, only better’ and I said ‘Anything?’ and she said ‘Try me’ and yadda yadda yadda I ended up getting the letter back.”

    “Good thing, too. I forgot to put a stamp on it.”

  199. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#194):

    A radio? How is that germaine?

  200. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#195):

    ” It is also practically impossible to catch a small dog in the woods a small, fenced yard when that dog does not want to be caught.”

  201. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#195): That’s true. Dogs in general are better suited to running than we are to running after them.

  202. Der Schnärkïnätör
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    The Astoooopid SpiderTwit – JUST WHERE IN THE HELL DID THAT SLEDGEHAMMER COME FROM????!!!!!!

  203. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#51): That’s what I used to think, but then I saw the Olympics. They even have five person team kayaks! I know double-ended paddles are part of it, but there’s something about the boat structure too.

    //That said, I bet it *was* a canoe in the original version of that strip.

  204. Chaze126
    September 14th, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#203): Thanks, Rana. Those sure looked like canoes to me. I also believe that once you start adding multiples to the word “kayak” what you have is something other than a kayak, no matter what you might call it.

  205. Chaze126
    September 14th, 2012 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#198): That’s alright. You had other things to lick.

  206. Alison
    September 14th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    “Momma”: Wasn’t there just a strip a week or ago about how Francis doesn’t have any friends? And now he has seventeen of them? WTF? But I have to admit I found the expression on Momma’s face in the last panel funny as hell.

    “Mary Worth”: Jim looks PISSED in that last panel. It figures he’d be disappointed that the girl he likes is a volunteer instead of a fellow patient-he probably figured that a fellow patient would have more in common with him and be sympathetic, while a volunteer might be condescending. But since this is MW, he’s probably just mad because he hasn’t gotten any advice from a meddling old lady lately.

    “Luann”: I see the joke here is “Ha ha, Luann won’t be able to seduce a woman.” Except, we all know from past history that Luann is unable to seduce a man either, so it’s not much of a punchline.

  207. Der Schnärkïnätör
    September 14th, 2012 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    @Santa Royale With Cheese (#125):

    The skunk doesn’t have a big rack…

  208. Der Schnärkïnätör
    September 14th, 2012 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#163):

    And then there’s those huge bell bottom pants….

  209. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 14th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    Garfield: Super meta! Garfield Without Garfield with Garfield!

  210. demoncat
    September 14th, 2012 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    mw unlike you dawn i am a patient which will have dawn start back on her life is brutal bit after seeing her new to be boyfriend only has one arm . dtm. actully its not God Denis is praying to its the devil for continuing to tempt him and prepare him for some day taking over hell

  211. Santa Royale With Cheese
    September 14th, 2012 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#207): Tell that to Pepe Le Pew. Oh, wait.

  212. Filthy Assistant
    September 14th, 2012 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    The speed-dial goes up to double digits on the rotary, so if he wants to call anyone above 9, whoever’s number 1 gets pissed at constantly hearing the phone ring once. Probably emergency services.

    And this is why, when Momma finally suffered a cardiac arrest, ambulances refused to arrive.

  213. Rookbird
    September 14th, 2012 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    It’s actually nice that a strip called “Zits” is making veiled references to a different bodily emission.

  214. Morgan Wick
    September 14th, 2012 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Wait, what are Jeremy and Sara going out for if NOT for dinner?

  215. Anonymous
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    Happy Anniversary!

  216. Liam
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @Morgan Wick (#214):

    They are going to go out to eat but not food.

  217. James Cassara
    September 15th, 2012 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    I don’t believe that Dawn’s new boyfriend is missing an arm. I believe that artist Joe Giella, who is past 80 years of age, is simply looking for shortcuts. By next week Wilbur will be missing a leg and the Professor’s beard will have disappeared.

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