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Mysterious and sexy

Phantom, 5/3/08

Could the JUNGLE PATROL’s longstanding no-yucky-girls-allowed policy have been based on sound policy, not mere prejudice? The men of the Jungle Patrol have for centuries cheerfully taken orders without question from a mysterious figure that they never see and who may not even exist; but these two dames have been Jungle Patrolpersons for less than a week and they’re already determined to suss out his identity — not because they find the idea of a faceless, nameless superior officer creepy and weird, of course, but because they want to have sex with him. Kay and Hawa have been yammering on in this vein for several days now, and I’ve been wondering how their tight-knit friendship would survive when the Unknown Commander has to choose only one of them to be his Unknown Commandress, but today we learn that obviously the choice will be based on racial grounds. It’s too bad the real U.C. isn’t Chinese or something, just because it would be fun to watch that blow their minds.

Apartment 3-G, 5/3/08

Thanks to the glory and pageantry of NetFlix, my wife and I tore through all five seasons of The Wire a few months ago, but this Apartment 3-G makes me realize that I still don’t fully understand the economics of the drug trade. Will Jones be pleased when he realizes that Alan is redistributing his dope, happy to move up the ladder from street-level dealer to wholesaler? Or will he conclude that the profits Alan is reaping by selling smack to desperate floozies are rightfully his own, and decide to shoot the hapless artist in the back of the head and leave his body to rot in a vacant somewhere?

The stakes would be much higher if everyone involved weren’t morons. I love Jones’s rapt expression in panel two. “Whoah — that’ll buy a lotta dope! Now where I could I find some … oh, wait, I have some right here! Turns out I don’t need your money after all, Alan.”

Dick Tracy, 5/3/08

Dick Tracy’s contempt for Deformed-Americans has never been more obvious. Hey, Liz, your “knight in shining armor” lost his gun, then stood around aimlessly in that shining armor until somebody else shot the bad guy. Your real savior was Dab Stract, who has the added bonus of not being married (I’m assuming). Go on, plant a wet one his lumpy, malformed cheek. He’s earned it!

Gasoline Alley, 5/3/08

His two-timing having been revealed to the congregation, Sturdivant is about to be dragged out of the church by the bride’s hobo relatives and stabbed to death, or possibly sodomized. Score another one for good ol’ fashioned frontier justice!

192 responses to “Mysterious and sexy”

  1. Non-Shannon
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    I vote sodomy.
    You gotta vote your conscience, you know?

  2. Ukulele Ike
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Brick: I liked ol’ Joanie Phonie well enough, but Al Capp’s most amusing anti-New Left rap was the creation of S.W.I.N.E. (Students Wildly Indignant about Nearly Everything). Even when you were pissed off at Capp, you had to laugh with him.

    Preteena: What th’ hell? Ever since I heard here that this strip’s on its last legs, I swear I’ve been enjoying it more and more. I hope Candy the Hot Neighbor Girl makes another appearance before the end.

    A3G: “Jones is the name. I’m one of the Jones boys.” — J. Wellington Wimpy, when attempting to evade a beating. This line always amused the crap out of me.

  3. Wanders
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s benevolence is so powerful that even the comatose Donna is moving… or is that squirming?

  4. Sheilagh
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    He’s not even all the deformed. He’s just, like, you know — ugly. Ugly people need kisses too.

  5. Rusty
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    “Ventilate” is an awful fancy word for “assbanging”. I vote it’s sodomy, early and often.

  6. zenvelo
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    so has this week’s FBOFW revealed at the age of retirement that John and Ellie have hated their drab canadian lives, and should have never married, let alone have kids? John would have been happy being a toy train designer, and Ellie would have been fulfilled owning a lesbian bookstore in Sedona, Arizona.

    At least they could have the decency to tell John to leave Deanna, tell Elizabeth the truth of how miserable she’ll be married to Anthony, and tell April to go on the road with Becca’s band.

  7. alex matthews
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    “Ill bet the Unknown Commander is a God!!” I’ll find out!”

    Check every holy scripture and see if any God ever had a Jungle Patrol. That’ll do it.

  8. Ukulele Ike
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    PS: The first comment in #2 was aimed at mudge Brick Bradford (who participated in the Lil’ Abner exchange towards the end of the previous thread), not comic-strip hero Brick Bradford. I was always a Buck Rogers man, meself.

    commodorejohn: Yes, I suppose there are parallels between Capp’s and Hart’s respective declines into senility and Brutalist Republicanism. But Capp’s hired hands could draw MUCH more attractive women. Moonbeam McSwine, yummy.

  9. kitty
    May 3rd, 2008 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    You know, if you glance quickly at Alan in panel 3 it looks like he’s giving the camera the slapstick “wah-wah-WAAAAHH” eye. Little does he know, however, camera-man Blaze is a narc by day, and a…er…whatever you call a narc in the fabulously gay sex trafficking industry by night.

  10. Vakar
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    “Sigh. Mrs. Hawa Unknown Commander. Mrs. Commander, mother of Unknown Commander, junior. Mrs. Commander. Sigh.”

  11. Leafy
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Considering I think that angry mustachioed hillbilly meant to say violated the code of the hills, I’m guessing they’re gonna violate Mr. Pointy-chin as well.

    Just sayin.

  12. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    #2 & #113 (yesterthread) Ukulele Ike— In the early ’70s I dated (We had “dates” in those days, and I guess that dates me!) a young woman that had met Al Capp. Her experience with him was pretty traumatic. He expected her to jump into bed with him shortly after they were introduced. He was outraged when she refused and threw a big tantrum. His reputation as a misogynist was definitely well earned. He could certainly make you laugh, but apparently not in person.

    GA— He “ventilated” the code of the hills? Does that mean that he French kissed a girl who was not related to him? On the other hand, “POIK”, always amuses me.

  13. Bryan
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    I read Dick Tracy this morning and said, “What, no sugar for Dab Stract?”

  14. The Ghost of Jarrod
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Check every holy scripture and see if any God ever had a Jungle Patrol.

    Only in God’s dreams.

  15. Baka Gaijin
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace: You want something to confess to? Steal the heads to Margaret’s Barbie’s like Lio did today. Ever wonder why we only see Lio’s dad? Lio obviously ripped her head off in a pychotic rage, unable to tell the difference between a lifeless doll and a nagging parent. No more brussels sprouts for Lio!

  16. Cranky
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Todays Judge Parker:

    “Hey, Steve, welcome to the firm. I’m your nubile assistant. Here’s my ass. Got an eyeful? Good. Now, want me to give you a ‘ride home’?”
    “No, my Mom’s there.”

    God damn it, the new guy too? Are any of the men in this strip straight?

  17. Baka Gaijin--Pedant
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:28 pm [Reply]


    Alan’s body rotting in a vacant what somewhere? LuAnn’s head? Margo’s moral compass? That other roommate’s personality?


  18. Josh
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    BG–P #17 — Actually, “vacant,” used as a noun, is Baltimore slang for the thousands of empty rowhouses that dot the drug-blighted areas of the East and West Sides. The disposal of dead bodies in “vacants”, universally referrred to as such, was one of the central plot points of The Wire’s fourth season.


  19. Baka Gaijin
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    #18 Josh: Oh. Nevermind. By the way, did you get the photo I e-mailed?

  20. Zaq
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: Hear that? That’s the status quo bell.

    GT: I… honestly don’t know what to make of this. I don’t know any high schoolers who watch Lou Dobbs, though maybe their parents do and infect their vulnerable young minds with neo-racist hatred?

    FW: Please let Funky’s obsessive mania stem from a tumor pressing on his brain.

    FOOB: You can tell it’s old, because it doesn’t end in a cringe-inducing pun/wordplay.

  21. RaJ
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    I’m convinced that in the A3G universe, wealth is not measured by how much money you have, but by how motherfucking green it is. That’s why Jones doesn’t have to count the bills to know Alan’s loaded. This is helpful, as Jones must think that math is a huge bummer, right up there with gainful employment and non-absurd facial hair.

  22. Poteet
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    PHANTOM — It would also do Kay and Hawa a world of good to find out that Unknown Commander is (gasp) short. Shorter than them. Jungle Patrol doesn’t need no yucky girls, it needs girls who aren’t so mentally bound to stereotypes. K & H, you might also want to take note that in spite of what Tracy thinks, not all villains are ugly, either.

  23. mollificent
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    Yesterthread 120 Little A: One strip I hardly ever see mentioned (or at least snarked) here is Frazz. I think it’s because the strip is genuinely funny and has a subtly wicked sense of humor, yet still has gallons of heart–a trick just about nobody else is able to pull off these days (as I’ve mentioned before, I think 9CL had this at some point, but lost it.)

    Also like 9CL of yesteryear, Frazz has a tendency to present visually stunning Sunday strips. And I’ve heard it speculated here and there that Frazz himself could be a grown-up Calvin, who has gained something of a moral compass but hasn’t lost his mischievous sense of humor. :D

  24. Ace Diamond
    May 3rd, 2008 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    You know I just realized something, usually knights needed someone to help them put their armor on due to it’s weight and cumbersomeness, yet Tracy managed to do this in presumably less than 2 minutes alone.

    Clearly a God among men…albeit one of those vengeful ones given how many criminals he offs

  25. BigTed
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    I’d be less worried about what those corn-pokin’ hill folk are going to do to Mr. Ivy League there, and more about their plans for his poor, unconscious “mawther.” Whatever it is, I imagine his dad Teddy Roosevelt will only look on helplessly, wishing he could find a big stick.

  26. Josh
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    #19 BG — I don’t think I did! Resend, please!


  27. Diamond Joe
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Archie has the well-toned quads of a flamingo.

    Blondie: That’s way too tame a punchline to a merit a surprise-zing. (Is there an official term for the thing shooting out of Dag’s head?)

    Crankshaft: Looks like Don Adams is not pleased. (And in the last panel, he’s showing us ‘Shaft missed it by that much.)

    DT: Look at Tracy’s dreamy look in the last panel. Either he’s relieving himself as Liz speaks, or else he’s about to make the painful discovery that in armor, you have real trouble pitching a pants tent.

    GT: Fortunately for Elmer, qualification for citizenship doesn’t include an intelligence test.

    H&L: The first panel was much more interesting when I first read it as “We play with handcuffs. It’s only fair.”

    JP: Nice try, Judge Parker, but I still want my Abbey!

    MW: Panel 1: So, did it take her several days to hear about Donna’s condition, or just to get around to seeing her? Panel 2: Geez, Mary, could you at least try a little not to look like you’re getting a schadenfreude high?

    Pluggers: And the most important piece of exercise equipment a plugger has is a defribulator.

    PC: Is it a bad sign for me that this strip has been occasionally amusing me lately? I especially like the big “Depends” logo.

    SS: I have a non-electric doorbell, and I live in an apartment building in Los Angeles, for pity’s sake.

    S-M: Oh, yeah, I can’t tell you how deep and restful my sleep is when I have the flu.

    Also amused me today: Curtis, Diesel Sweeties, Dilbert, Get Fuzzy, My Cage, Rubes

  28. Diamond Joe
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Forgot to mention the above is a partial repost from yesterthread.

    #6 zenvelo:

    “the decency to tell John to leave Deanna”

    Is there a much, much more interesting plotline going on that I haven’t known about?

  29. Baka Gaijin
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    #26 Josh: The photo’s in the mail!

  30. Shermy Glamrocker
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Whatever happened to Christian Single Girl anyhow?

  31. commodorejohn
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    #27 Diamond Joe – I wouldn’t say it’s a bad sign. Prickly City is one of the rare political strips that’s actually fairly funny. Not all the time, and not riotously so, but enough to justify its existence, especially compared to the dreck that is Mallard Fillmore.

  32. bats :[
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    That Dick Tracy story-arc is The Hunchback of Notre Dame all over again. Noble and humble Dab/Quasimodo goes through all sorts of hell to rescue Liz/Esmeralda, only to have her swooning and cooing all over Dick/Phoebus.
    Unfortunately, I think Dab’s only recourse is to pour boiling pitch over the both of them.
    I’d like that.

    Oh, and a second for sodomy as well.

  33. Crankenstank
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    Please, Josh. Backwoods Justice, not Frontier Justice. We wouldn’t want to short Backwoods Justice its due.

  34. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    #27 Diamond Joe:

    Archie has the well-toned quads of a flamingo.

    I concur: Archie’s quads are weird. And I don’t know quite what to make of his tubular buttocks, either. Well, not exactly tubular… what the hell is that form, anyway? How the hell does he get up out of that chair?

    Maybe Archie is conveyed about on a track and cable set up, like the flattened office guy in Beetlejuice.

  35. Stinkum
    May 3rd, 2008 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    Next week: Another male in A3G one can tell apart from all the others arrives as Omar kills Jones.

    (Works cited: CotW runner-up by Terrene.)

  36. Vakar
    May 3rd, 2008 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    At last the writer of Spider Man has gotten in on the act of laughing at Peter Parker’s stupidity. Are we to believe that he’s never had the damn flu?

    Also: the relative pajama stripiness… of a spider!

  37. Jamus The Bartender
    May 3rd, 2008 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    30/Luann: I miss Christian Single Girl too…but here’s my question….When did Luann stop wearing pants? I know I used to wish Greg Evans would let Luann spend her summers sunbathing, but now that I know she’s under 18, I have to inSIST she be fully clothed. I mean, sure it’s natural for a girl to daydream about her beloved without any pants on, but it’s not really the thing that should be in the newspapers. Dirty newspapers, sure. But not the dailies.

  38. Jamus The Bartender
    May 3rd, 2008 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    36. Maybe Spider Man was hoping his spider powers would soup up his immune system. You never see a spider catch the flu. You also never see Spider Man using his powers for anything important.
    Screw it….Spider Man is dumb.

  39. Jamus The Bartender
    May 3rd, 2008 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    Archie: My old man used to ask me to get him a beer in exactly the same manner Jughead asked for a soda. If my old man had asked for sodas more often, he might be with us today, instead of dead of liver failure.
    Damn, that was kinda dark….

  40. Donald The Anarchist
    May 3rd, 2008 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    A3G Alan is the type of client that dealers routinely sell rat poison to, knowing they’re far too stupid to keep from getting arrested, and far too weak-willed to do anything but sell their dealer out when it happens.

    GA “It’s OK fellers. No ventilatin’ necessary! I ALREADY have holes for THAT!!!”

  41. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    Non-Shannon at #1, Josh in header, et al.

    Yeah, these boys are obviously confused on the distinction between “ventilate” and “violate”, so sodomy seems to be the order of the day. Of course Sturivant Kleeb seems to be living many lies, unless he really attended all those schools he has the sweatshirt for. Maybe the back-door train pulling will help him face himself and his truth.

  42. Nekrotzar
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    Why do I get the sense that Alan is selling it for $2-an-ounce less than he pays Goatee-Guy, but expects to make it up in volume?

  43. Champ
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    Keeping with The Wire theme, I do believe this A3G plot would definitely be livened up by a visit from Omar. He’d have a little something for Jones, and then a “little something” for Alan, if you know what I mean.

  44. The Management
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    From what I know about the drug trade, especially in a city as big as New York, there’s room enough for everyone. Dealers get busted or killed often enough for clients to have to be able to switch easily, and if Jones is selling a high amount of weight to Alan, he’s likely moving up the chain, and getting further from the street, which insulates him from prosecution. So he would see this as a good move. At least, if anyone in this comic had a damn ounce of sense.

    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    To Dale, from the previous thread: You are telling me (us) that the fact that, for instance, MT gets snarked on so often doesn’t prove anything one way or the other? The fact that FOOB gets snarked on so often here proves nothing?

    What this proves is that not too many snarkers agree with you.

    However you are entitled to your own opinion.

  46. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Archie: (re: Spotted HØrse, Diamond Joe) Whoa, what the hell kind of crazy black tunic is he wearing? And what does it mean that I’m more focused on Archie’s shirt than on the joke? Probably that it’s the sort of joke that was old the instant it was created.

    GA: Not to worry, Sturdivant, a little ventilation is good for the ol’ attic, ifn you catch my drift.

  47. Lou Shumaker
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    “It’s too bad the real U.C. isn’t Chinese or something, just because it would be fun to watch that blow their minds.”

    Or a woman. Wouldn’t that be fun?


  48. Diamond Joe
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    If we’re tallying up votes on Foob’s quality over time, put me down for “started out kind of lame, gradually improved, got pretty good, then went downhill.”

    It may not be wise of me to admit this, but at one time, I had all the FBofW collections, and even one of LJ’s pre-Foob books.

    If I had to identify a shark-jumping moment, it would be an uncommon choice: the death of Farley. The whole thing about the strip was supposed to be reader identification with the Pattersons’ lives. How many of you out there had dogs who died heroically? Usually, they just get old and have to be put to sleep… which is an emotional enough situation for any family strip. But nooooooo! That wasn’t good enough for Lynn. She had to ratchet things up to silent-film levels of melodrama. And since then, she’s been getting more and more removed from anything recognizable as reality.

    I think my favorite Foob strip was quite a ways back, with very young Michael and Elizabeth:

    Michael: C’mon, Lizzie, eat your yogurt! It’s got lots of good bacteria!

    Elizabeth: What’s batkeria?

    Michael (with sly look): Little… tiny… bugs.

    (Elizabeth goes wide-eyed, clamps her hands over her mouth. Elly glares at Michael.)

    Michael: I was only trying to help!

    Today, of course, there’d have to be a pun in there about Michael “bugging” his sister or something.

  49. jules
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    Love that Netflix! Thanks to the glory and pageantry of Netflix, I recently discovered that PC Nicholas Angel is my imaginary boyfriend. Don’t tell my husband.

    Also: Ha ha! Alan’s dealer is called “Jones”! Srsly!

  50. Lou Shumaker
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    jules: Don’t know why you brought that up, but I wanted to say I got the reference. What a great movie!

  51. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    #45 LITTLE A.: With all due respect, I reckon that it’s a mistake to infer a comic strip’s quality from its lack of discussion here, and vice versa. Some strips are just more fun to snark on than others, especially when there’s a culture of snarkage in place. I’m sure we could build a great web of in-jokes around, say, Cleats, Sherman’s Lagoon, The BM of Edison Lee, etc. …but that would take time, a lot of love*, and frankly, a different blog.

    *indeed, we often keed because we love!

  52. commodorejohn
    May 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    #48 Diamond Joe – I resent your grave insult to silent cinema. I can think of no genre that deserves comparison with For Better Or For Worse, except maybe Lifetime TV movies.

  53. man behind the curtain
    May 3rd, 2008 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    GT — The ever-lovely Branden. From the looks of things in panel 1, she has her mother’s eyes and her father’s mustache.

    Laws are meant for something. Their meant to get Elmer in the lockup and me in the starting lineup.

    RMMD (Sunday) — Best comic strip softcore in years.

  54. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    May 3rd, 2008 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    I wouldn’t go to a drug dealer that would turn threatening if s/he found it I was reselling. I think that’s how they get most of their new trade. I decide I don’t want to be the hookup for X, Y and Z anymore and tell them to go directly to the dealer. The dealer has three new clients, slowly added on the roster by me. It’s win/win either way, since the dealer gets the same amount of money. It’s just a question of who assumes the higher risk of dealing vs merely consuming and at what price.

    Um, yeah. Drugs are bad, m’kay.

  55. jules
    May 3rd, 2008 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    Lou – I don’t get to the theatre much these days. Nick and I would never have met if not for Netflix. That was just me being grateful… :)

  56. bats :[
    May 3rd, 2008 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    53. man behind the curtain: you’ve already seen the Sunday RMMD?! Curses! I still have four hours of waiting here, agonizing after your brief but tantalizing account!
    (Is it hotter than Abbey Driver? Gloria Sanchez? Abbey and Gloria and Maria together?!)

  57. Diamond Joe
    May 3rd, 2008 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    #2 Ukulele Ike:

    “Al Capp’s most amusing anti-New Left rap was the creation of S.W.I.N.E. (Students Wildly Indignant about Nearly Everything). Even when you were pissed off at Capp, you had to laugh with him.”

    I had many occasions to think of S.W.I.N.E. at one of the several colleges I went to. Once, someone lost his black-framed glasses, so he put up fliers. Under the description, he had a photo of Malcolm X, with an arrow pointing to his glasses, and the words “like this.”

    Cue the vehement protest from the (predominantly white) student body, and a forced public apology from the student for taking the image of Malcolm X in vain.

    I lasted there for a year and a half before I couldn’t take it anymore.

  58. Diamond Joe
    May 3rd, 2008 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    I should add that this was 1993, so it’s not like Malcolm X had just been assassinated or something.

  59. JP (not Judge Parker)
    May 3rd, 2008 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: Kay and Hawa’s fantasies aren’t too hot. The major difference is that Hawa’s man is looking at her and possibly hugging her (sort of), while Kay’s man looks rather grim while she forces herself upon him. Ladies, if your new mission is to figure out who the Unknown Commander is, you might want to spice up your ideas of what to do with him before you find him! Otherwise He-Who-Is-Technically-Unavailable might boot your sorry butts out of Jungle Patrol.

  60. Poteet
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    # 32 bats — Ooh, excellent comparison! And from what I recall of Phoebus’ mental acuity, Dick’s expression in the last panel fits perfectly. Liz may want to reflect upon what finally happened to Esmeralda in the novel. ‘Twarn’t like the movie, Liz.

  61. Poteet
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    # 37 Jamus — One solution would be to do what I’ve urged before, which is to let Luann graduate and go to college. Brad is being allowed to advance in life, even though he has the dating skills of a middle-school spider. But Luann is stuck in repetitive high school stories forever and ever and ever. I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but do we?

  62. Poteet
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    # 61 — Actually, I owe an apology to spiders. I saw a story recently about the courtship displays of jumping spiders, and that that tap-dancing, rapid-clicking male spider would blow dull Brad right out of the gene pool.

  63. Uncle Lumpy
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    Go on, plant a wet one his lumpy, malformed cheek.

    Hey, when did “lumpy” become an insult? And why the hell didn’t I get the memo?


  64. Little Guy
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    GA: “HELP! MAW-THER! I’m going to be Stanfordized!”

  65. Buck Ripsnort
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: The most important thing a Plugger can bring to his kids’ game is something to throw at the ump.

  66. Godzooky
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: Let’s see, Hawa and Kay figured out that the Unknown Commander shadowed them, they could tell that their helper at the hotel wasn’t a hotel detective, but they haven’t realized they’ve already seen U.C. in the flesh? Then again, when it comes to fantasizing about making out with the boss, guess they’d rather picture a more normal-looking U.C. than the albino-ish original. (hard to pick up a tan in a purple body stocking).

  67. LTBF
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    Blondie-The sign at thedesk says “Clearwater Public Library”. Is Clearwater the town the Bumsteads live in? The only Clearwater I am aware of is in Florida, but with all the snow they get in winter, that can’t be it.

  68. Stroker Ace
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    If Sturdivant becomes the Ned Beatty of comicdom the strip should be renamed “Vaseline Alley”.

  69. The Photocopiest
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    No, sexual fantasies based on the Ghost-Who-Haunts-Wet-Dreams is a longstanding tradition, but the men had the good sense to keep their damn mouths shut about it.

  70. Mr. O'Malley
    May 3rd, 2008 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    78, previous thread, Alfred E. Neuman. Re: the object in FC. I thought of “refrigerator”, but if it’s part of the same set as the other stuff, it would be about 10 feet high. Also, the proportions seem off. I would think that a refrigerator would be a lot deeper relative to its width.

    But now I’ve started looking at the chairs, and the proportions seem wrong there too.

    Lynn Johnston, to give credit where it is due, has a collection of model objects that she poses to get the proportions of things right in her scenes. Or one could use photographs, which would be pretty cheap with digital photography. I know that R. Crumb used photos for his backgrounds, and I suspect Bill Griffith does the same.

    Not that comics necessarily should be drawn realistically, but I think being able to identify objects should be a given.

    Let me save you the trouble, whoever was thinking of adding, “Yeah, and I’ve noticed the children’s heads are out of proportion too!”

  71. Zyik
    May 3rd, 2008 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    A3-G: I thought Jones meant Alan was starting the business of pimping his girlfriend out for money…

  72. Mr. O'Malley
    May 3rd, 2008 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    65. Buck Ripsnort. There’s a reflection on my screen because I’m sitting next to a window. For an instant it looked like you had said “something to throw at the amp“, and I thought “Pluggers go to punk concerts?”

    I guess they could though—the Sex Pistols started out back in the days when cars had 8-track tape players.

    If Zits were a bit more realistic the parents could have piercings too.

  73. Islamorada Girl
    May 3rd, 2008 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    I swear, Hayley in 3G is a nark and she’s going to bust Alan.
    Boyfriends of Margo, LuAnn and Tommie don’t fare too well.

  74. Gold-Digging Nanny
    May 3rd, 2008 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    Some catchup Six Differences:

    April 27 SFx

    This one’s pretty similar to one from April 1. In fact, half of the differences are the same:

    1) In panel one, the cat got to come along on this trip because it invented the portable gravitational field technology that is keeping it from floating around in the ship.
    2) The astronaut in panel one is traveling to Ahnooie-4. The astronaut in panel two is traveling to Quorg.
    3) In panel two, the ship is run by a sentient computer, maliciously intent on destroying the crew in order to fulfill contradictions in its programming. Hence, it will continue operating the thrusters even when it doesn’t have to, burning through the fuel until the crew is stuck in space and must starve. The astronaut is oblivious to this and is playing video games with a joystick.

    The others are entirely new:

    4) The astronaut in panel two will realize too late what happens when you let a cat pack your space ship. The larder is packed entirely with Fancy Feast. After one too many cans of Sliced Turkey & Giblets in Gravy, the astronaut will snap.
    5) The astronaut in panel one is from China (hence the star on his shoulder), which will have taken over the entire world and about half the solar system by the time this type of ship is developed.
    6) The purple planet in panel two contains 75 percent less Uranus/Your Anus jokes.

    This episode of I Found All Six has been brought to you by Purina.

  75. The God of Jungle Patrol
    May 3rd, 2008 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    Of course the choice of the Unknown Commander will be determined by race. After all, this is the 22nd Phantom, living in Africa, and yet no Phantom has ever married a black woman – otherwise he would be the Ghost-who-got-darker.

  76. Joshua
    May 3rd, 2008 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    #67 LTBF: This is at least the second time there has been a reference to the strip taking place in “Clearwater”; this strip shows Dagwood visiting a government office which has a city seal for “Clearwater” on the wall.

    There are six other towns named Clearwater in the United States according to Wikipedia, but the seal in the 2005 strip resembles that of Clearwater, Florida.

    Also, Dean Young, who writes Blondie, lives in Clearwater, Florida.

    My guess is that the Bumsteads live in a town called Clearwater which is very loosely based on the Florida one. Sort of like how Charlie Brown lived in an area which included allusions to Minnesota when Charles Schulz lived there but started to allude to California more after Schulz moved there.

  77. The God of Jungle Patrol
    May 3rd, 2008 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    #76 – does this mean dagwood and blondie are scientologists?

  78. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    May 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    B.C Today ties in eerily with current events. And I remember this happening before with the “squeaky seals” joke which seemed to be making light of an oil spill in the San Francisco Bay. As noted above, the strips are submitted weeks in advance. Does BC just make inappropriate jokes which sometimes are more obviously ghoulish by coincidence or is something else afoot?

    This trend started after the death of the born-again cartoonist. Many of his strips were connected to the idea of an afterlife. Perhaps Mr Hart is now experiencing some sort of afterlife. And from that removed-from-the-time-stream perspective, he is able to foretell future events and communicate them back to his inheritors, so they can make gross jokes about them in the comic.

    If Hart can see disasters before they happen and then have them turned into terrible comic strips, the next logical question becomes: is he in heaven or in hell? On the one hand, the subject matter is macabre and awful. On the other hand, his concept of god was pretty macabre and awful. Which reforms the question to: Does Hart actually know that he’s in hell? If so, is he subjecting us to this on purpose, as the impotent rage of the dammed? And, if so, we must ask ourselves an even more alarming question: is there any danger of him becoming a zombie? His undead thirst for the blood of comics-readers would be terrible to behold. Or, worse, he might just make some terrible to behold jokes. Either one requires that we take steps now, before it’s too late, to ensure he stays dead-again.

  79. Brick Bradford
    May 3rd, 2008 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Ike–I kicked Buck Roger’s ass to Andromeda and back.

    I forgot S.W.I.N.E. As you said, you wanted to dope slap him one sometimes, but Capp was funny.

  80. Brick Bradford
    May 3rd, 2008 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    Diamond Joe–I was going to say something about Tracy getting a steely, but other matters intervened.

  81. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 3rd, 2008 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    #48 Diamond Joe Re: FOOB— I, too, think the strip went downhill at the time of Farley’s death, but for a different reason. My reason is that Elly’s extreme negligence nearly resulted in the death of April. To my recollection, the negligence issue has never been addressed in the strip. Stand by, I’m about to go “True Fable”.

    LJ has never had Elly show one iota of guilt, nor any recognition that she made a near fatal mistake (well, a fatal mistake from Farley’s perspective). With a violent rainstorm raging outside and an inquisitive toddler inside, did Elly bother to keep an eye on April? Did she make sure that the doors were locked? Did she at least make sure that the gate leading to the flooding stream behind the back fence was locked? NO! She didn’t take one single precaution, nor did she realize that any were necessary. What a dumbass! In contrast, we recently had a week of strips in which Elly and Connie congratulated themselves on their parenting skills. Yeah, Elly, you’re a great parent except for that small incident when YOU KILLED THE FAMILY DOG AND NEARLY KILLED YOUR YOUNGEST DAUGHTER!

    LJ tries to present FOOB as a humorous look at the life of a typical middle-class family. She failed miserably with April’s near-drowning when she presented us with a supposedly loving parent who acted irresponsibly and who suffered no recognition of, nor guilt over her negligence. Normal parents would be haunted for the rest of their lives by such an enormous mistake in parenting, but not Elly. She just continued on her oblivious self-congratulating way. I guess that the complexity of dealing with negligence and guilt was too much for LJ to handle. Anyway, for me, that’s when FOOB jumped the shark big time.
    And the rest was dreck.

  82. commodorejohn
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    #81 Alfred E. Neuman – No, I don’t buy that. That was willful negligence. After all, why should Elly care about April? She is a Third.

  83. essteess
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley: Yes, the Code o’ the Hills may be enforced, and those haughty bluebloods routed (rooted?) or worse, but it will be a Phyrric victory for Amanda Lynn and kin. Because Sturdivant’s faw-ther and maw-ther will no doubt set in motion a host of complex, multifaceted financial transactions that will result in the family farm and adjoining lots being bought up by a mysterious multinational corporation, which will in turn lead to massive foreclosures and evictions. And so, in due time, Amanda Lynn and her family and neighbors will resemble subjects in a Walker Evans photographic essay.

  84. bats :[
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    Sunday! Sunday! Bring your camera!

    A3G: I usually don’t mind leftovers, but I’d prefer the originals to be good at least…

    FC: not funny. Not in one panel, not in three panels, never funny.
    (Well, if Billy’d offered to bring a can of gasoline and a match, maybe…)

    FW: well, it may be the end of the world as we know it, but I won’t be satisfied until I see Funky lolling around on that iceberg, farting and belching.

    H&L: face it, Ditto, you can’t do shit.

    JP: well, THAT was a waste of a dozen panels. Unless those sultry hands are attached to a sultry body, this week is looking grim…

    MT: Eet eez Pepe le Peu en zee spotlaht! Great reactions from Andy and Mark! This could only be improved with some patented Widdle Wobin Cwap-pants Stink Lines ™!

    MW: I am awestruck…

    Mutts: oh, geez, this is so nice! All bright and shiny! Yay!

    RMMD: words fail me.

    Brewster Rockit: love it.

    FOOB: children who are manipulative asswipes have parents who are manipulative asswipes…

  85. Arnie Sacknoos'em
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    Saturday Judge Parker. Panel two Gloria (is that her name?) is showing off her sweet hind-curves while Steve (is that his name?) looks on in admiration. Then: “Thanks, I’d like that but (pause…) you’ll have to meet my mother!”

    Steve, we’d all like that butt. That’s why we keep reading Judge Parker, sweetheart.

  86. Donald The Anarchist
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    I couldn’t resist…(apologies to Adam Duritz)

    Mr. Jones and me, are in the heroin business.

    He sells at wholesale prices, and my markup, is very reasonable,

    Mr Jones and me, we have an understanding,

    And if ever I need credit, an unconscious Luanne will seal the deal

    I wanna be an art dealer, Mr. Jones wishes he could sell something more profitable, but when all your customers are addicts, that’s about as lucrative as you can be,

    Mr. JONES and me, we’re gonna end up in Rikers…

  87. True Fable
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    MW Ah yes, Mary’s in her Full Meddle Jacket mode.
    JP The plot FINALLY thickens as youthful hands pull back the curtains to watch Steve Steelshins and Gloria HotToTrot approach the front door. Since Monday will probably reprise today’s strip, Tuesday ought to be the Big Reveal. Maybe Busty Duncan is back?? …well I can hope can’t I.
    RMDS ALL IS FORGIVEN. Hot June in her undies! Hot June apparently touching herself in panel three! Hot June ready for action in panel six! Even Hot Rex in panel seven – with nipples! OMG, there is just so much steam in today’s Sunday panel! Yes, all is indeed forgiven, just for this hint of In The Sack Action for the Morgans!
    A3G What, is Jones going to turn Alan in to the Better Business Bureau if he horns in on Jones’s territory or something?
    FC Yes, there’s plenty of crap to shovel, all right.
    FBoFW Stand back, I’m about to Roar.

    I fucking RESENT it every time Lynn pulls this “must block out everything except my muse” SHIT. For the past seven YEARS at work, as long as the job came first I was allowed to toggle back and forth on my computer screen to write. My bosses saw no problem with me occupying my snippets of downtime. On third shift there are hours of waiting and my bosses like the fact that I have something to keep me alert and awake and at the ready, and that I actually LIKE to work the graveyard shift, something most people don’t like.

    As a result, I learned to write DESPITE the distractions. I learned to jump back into the story after needing to abruptly pull myself out of it for the job’s sake. In fact, it really honed my concentration skills and I can better focus on each thing I need to do. I can multitask like nobody’s biznatch, man.

    So I am simply NOT BUYING this “concentrate and ignore everything else” BULLSHIT. Maybe some people HAVE to have absolute silence or low white noise; maybe they PREFER it but can deal with little things. But by and large, if you want to write and if what you have to say is that important, you will find a way to write it down. I wrote between calls. I wrote late at night when the kids were asleep. I wrote while the kids did their homework or watched tv or played next to me and I ALWAYS made myself available to them when they needed or wanted me. Writing did NOT come before my children. If I couldn’t use a computer, I carried around a notebook and scribbled down ideas or phrases or dialog I wanted to use, in longhand. I wrote in waiting rooms, in the parent carpool lane at school, in the parish hall waiting for their catechism class to let out. I FOUND A WAY.

    From Lynn’s myopic POV, Mike makes writers look like incredibly selfish, fussy, stupid beasts. Well, maybe we are in some ways but it’s not because we must listen to our “muse” to the detriment of our children’s love and respect. This just chaps my shorts no end.

  88. Pniks
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    How can dope be pure? I don’t really expect much from the Apartment 3-G writer in the drug terminology department, but weed isn’t heroin.

  89. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    #82 commodorejohn Re: FOOB— Willful negligence is a definite possibility. After all, when April had the temerity to survive, she got exiled to the cellar. If you can’t kill her, out of sight-out of mind is the next best thing.

  90. True Fable
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    BB No, I don’t think they get it at all, and neither do Greg & Mort Walker.
    Scenes From Suburban Hell It’s official: Ditto is Spider-Man!
    Curtis Even though it’s the same old Curtis-hates-smoking theme, I must admit he’s RIGHT today and yeah, his father’s an idiot for smoking in bed.
    S-M I like how Mary Jane’s nightie has the power to grow little bows on the straps when Peter tries to stand up. It’s like her Idiot Warning System, but with style.

  91. Mr. Nice Guy
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    Phantom: “I’ll bet the Unknown Commander is a God!! I’ll find out!”

    Sure. Mysterious deities like nothing better than having mortals poking around in their private business that surpasseth all understanding.

    Hey — aren’t we back at the same diner where this whole lady cops and waitresses story line began? Check, please, indeed.

  92. Mr. Nice Guy
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    #88: “Pure” might mean not so much oregano.

  93. bats :[
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:32 am [Reply]

    Okay, so Sunday’s RMMD was close to perfection (as a family paper would allow). Still, I got a spray-can of gold paint, and I’m gonna gild that freakin’ lily!

  94. True Fable
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    # 92 Mr. Nice Guy – *chuckle!* COTW nomination, I hope!

  95. dale
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    45 – Little A

    Spotted Horse said it well at 51.

    My point was that the absence of comments shouldn’t be scored as approval or disapproval.

    One question could be: What strip would you miss the least? This requires, of course, the list that the respondent normally sees.

    Another (needs same list) is: What strip do you hate the most? This is more complicated. Do you hate some characters or a story line?
    I hate Jeremy Pus for Brains; maybe I should hate his parents for letting him get away with his shit.
    I don’t hate Gil Thorp (the character and the strip), but the stories are full of holes. I told the local paper not to drop the strip (they did) because there is an entire community devoted to mocking it.

  96. Diamond Joe
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:57 am [Reply]

    A3-G: It’s interesting “dope” has become “rock” (or, given the longer lead time for Sundays, more likely the other way around). I have no idea what it tells us, but it’s interesting.

    AS: I’ll be damned if I can figure out what the two things have to do with each other. Is smashing through walls only illegal if you have alcohol in you?

    BabBl: I find the throwaway panel’s joke on Art Instruction’s old ads funnier than the strip itself.

    BB: “They’ve got it. Throw around enough buzzwords, and it doesn’t matter what you actually do.” Besides that press is “embedded,” not soldiers.

    BH: Lower left: He has to remind his wife he was home with the flu all week? Upper left: I’m amused that cartoonists are still making Borg references. Which is good, because I got no amusement from the gag itself.

    CtH: Photographic reference? What’s that?

    Crankshaft: He’s making all that noise because it’s kind of a struggle, getting the 660-pound concrete door into place behind the shelves.

    Curtis: Of course, what really upsets Curtis’ dad is that that was his last spleef.

    EC: The comic is so dull, I’ll just go real tangential and say that I hate it when invitations redundantly say “Please RSVP.”

    FC: “…because I’m sick of all your bullshit, dad.”

    FW: Actually, the melting of the Arctic ice pack won’t raise sea levels, because it’s floating on water as it is. It’s ice on land, particularly Greenland, that poses a problem. [/pedant]

    H&L: When did Marvel start putting the front cover on the back?

    JP: The moment Gloria’s inbuilt female Provider Sense began sending danger signals. “Yep, that’s mine: the crappy, unkempt house. Wanna go out?”

    Heathcliff: It’s a fun idea, but not executed well. Problem is, if you know what Botox is, you’ve gotten the point by the penultimate panel, and if you don’t, you’re no wiser when the strip is over.

    H&J: Ah, yes, one of those red garments everyone’s talking about.

    MF: “Hi, this is Bruce Tinsley. I’m hoping you’re too stupid to notice this is pretty much the same goddamn joke as last Saturday. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go get drunk and drive home.”

    MT: Man, I hate when the media spreads partisan pro-skunk propaganda by using vague phrases like “Some credit them…”

    Marvin: “The weird part is it happened when I put it in my prototype high-temperature superconductor.”

    MW: “Yes, Mary, but I submit that it’s the very unknowability of God’s purpose that makes the exercise of free will more than simply an empty exercise. Of course, Richard would take the hard incompatibilist view that free will is impossible because it would require control over one’s current state, and the state that brought about that state, in infinite regress, but he’s just a booger-head.”

    Mutts: Does this mean my sister can get her money back on her shelter rescue that grumbles and hisses if you try to pick her up or put her in your lap?

    PClub: Mother Packer must move like lightning to get up and come around the table before Enos can react.

    Redeye: Purple rice is pretty wild, all right.

    RMRSA: “And speaking of whistles, blow on this.”

    Shoe: Just in case any newspapers want to run just one tier, Cassatt and Brookins helpfully make two-thirds of the comic disposable.

    SlyF: “Oh, my! You saw through my fiendishly clever plan! I’m a bad, bad girl! I need a spanking! And then, the oral sex!” Back-up feature: How to draw a pantsless cartoonist!

    S-M: “Spider-Man, help? I’d better call the doctor, honey. You’re getting delirious!”

    Ziggy: Ziggy’s depressed at the thought that he’s missing out on all those anal probes.

    Amused me: Bizarro

  97. Mibbitmaker
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:01 am [Reply]


    Ghost-Who-Invades-Romance-Novels: Boy, will they be disappointed!

    DT: Her Knight in Shining ULTRA-CLOSE-UP LIKE EVERYONE IN DT ALL THE TIME!!! Honestly, somebody fire the cinematographer, already!

  98. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:17 am [Reply]

    Sunday Snarks

    FC— A shovel for Daddy Keane’s works — very meta and very true.

    FOOB— Mike’s insufferableness quotient is raised to new heights. He’s really a crumb off the ol’ butter tart.

    FW— A bit late for Earth Day, but at least there’s no snarling Funky.

    MT— Since when is a rodent an insect? Does Elrod read what he writes?

    RMMD— Despite the hotness (on a Sunday!?) of today’s strip, I was crushed to see June wearing granny panties. Bats’ :[ version is hilarious and a huge improvement, but still features granny panties. I’ll bet Abbey Spencer doesn’t wear them!

  99. ChattyGenes
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:33 am [Reply]

    #87 True Fable. Thank you! We needed that. Well, JOHNSTON needs that, and if you haven’t already sent a letter to Coffee Talk along the same lines, either in the past or today, you should.

    And I’ll add that any parent of small children, whatever he (she, in my case) is trying to accomplish at home, MUST be able to make himself available to his children. Being a (part-time) teacher when my kids were small meant that if I didn’t get my lesson-planning/ paper-correcting done at home, it just wouldn’t get done at all. So I managed. And always having lived in a small house, there was often nowhere I could escape to, to do it, which meant that most of what I did was done while keeping a responsible eye on my kids. (Hear that, Johnston? RESPONSIBLE. I’m right behind you, Alfred E. Neuman and others who are discussing that issue.) My husband worked full-time and wasn’t there to watch them for me. Or find things for them to play with. Or stop the occasional fight. Or get them snacks when they were hungry. Or even to take time out now and then to read them a story.

    There hasn’t been a Sunday FBOFW that left me so boiling MAD for a long time, but this one certainly did.

  100. Zaq
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:46 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Wait wait wait… “The Times?” Wasn’t that used as a term for “puberty” a while back in that very strip? This unnerves me.

  101. Zaq
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:50 am [Reply]

    Me @100: Here we go:

    It’s even italicized in the same way. Creepy.

  102. Master Mahan
    May 4th, 2008 at 5:38 am [Reply]

    And now, three one-liners about today’s comics:

    That mob of hobos is really reacting with Deliverance… I mean belligerence. Odd. I wonder how that slipped in there.

    Are you really considered a drug dealer if you’re only trading your drugs for Monopoly money?

    I hope that Cole Lector faces the maximum “pun” -isment allowed under the law… if only for having a name even Family Circus wouldn’t stoop to using.

  103. Saluki
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:02 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s Get Fuzzy pretty much explains why the hell I know who Paris Hilton is better than any other reason I’ve seen.

  104. willethompson
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:02 am [Reply]

    Y’know how fortune cookie fortunes are improved by adding “in bed” to them (i.e. You are courteous and cautious…IN BED!)? Sunday’s FW – indeed, any FW – improves if you add “with cancer!” Like:

    “But that the mid-Atlantic states may one day truly be… the mid-Atlantic states… WITH CANCER!”

    Wait… did I say ‘improve?’ I meant ‘get more margo-ing depressing.’

  105. scott
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    Sunday MT: The “cat” in “polecat” is from the French word “chat”, meaning “cat”? I think I see a shortcut.

  106. McPerson
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    “Ventilated”, huh? I didn’t know newspaper comics were so good at using malapropisms. I’m a little surprised the hillbillies don’t know the word “violated” considering they all own signs saying, “No trespassing, violators will be shot.”

  107. gleeb
    May 4th, 2008 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    9CL: First she “talks dirty” to he daughter, now Juliet is giving her little compliments. She’s taking it slowly, but incestuous seduction is tricky.

    Tom the Dancing Bug: In the third panel, it looks like Bolling forgot to draw Scalia’s motorcycle. Not too big a deal, but I’m hoping someone who doesn’t read the comic will see the preceding sentence and be confused by the phrase “Scalia’s motorcycle”.

    A3G: “If the Dealers’ Commission finds out you’ve been dealing without the requisite odd facial hair, you could be looking at sanctions.”

    ‘bean: Huddled safely behind the Appalachians, Cancerville residents can smirk at Baltimore’s, and Josh’s approaching demise.

    Steve ‘n’ Gloria: If she’s using both hands to draw aside the curtain, at least we know she isn’t holding a gun. Unless those are the hands of an indefatigable Pashtun assassin!

    Rex: Well, MRSA may be threatening, but there’s no reason not to show June Morgan in bed, or Rex’s broad, benippled chest. If we don’t, the staphylococci win.

  108. Old School Allie Cat
    May 4th, 2008 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    MW – You know, if I were Ron (or is it Richard?), I’d turn to Mary and say, “That’s great – but who the hell are you? I mean, the green ‘volunteer’ smock is lovely and all, but can you maybe leave me the hell alone to spend time with my mother? If you want to be helpful, go get me a soda and a packet of crackers.”

    RwO – Another winner.

    FOOB – Holy shit – Michael got outwitted by a first-grader! That kid has inherited Elly’s manipulative gene.

  109. TheDiva
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Sunday Sunday Sunday! BE THERE!

    C’shaft: Like cancer, the risk of bad puns increases with family history.

    FOOB: Not having kids but wanting them in my future, some days I worry about my potential as a parent. Then I see something like this and realize that whatever happens, I couldn’t possibly cock things up that badly.

    Luann: I’m not sure if today’s strip is insulting to women (for implying they worry mostly about their appearance), men (for implying they don’t think about anything period) or the reader (for implying that it’s funny).

    Mutts: Not only do pets improve your quality of life, they help you get a great tan! (Seriously though, I have a soft spot for the Shelter Stories. Anything that encourages people to adopt a pet–especially one that’s had a rough time–is okay in my book.)

  110. queek
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:11 am [Reply]


    Sex Morgan: Fan Servicy goodness FTW!

    PBS: “Me gonna DIE” from laughing. Pastis, you are a diety of the funny pages.

    Lio: mmmmmmmm, tentacles.

    MT: ok, at least they mentioned ferrets.

  111. And The
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: Just to relieve the mental torment, I decided to vent on the conclusion of this latest turd to float by in the Dick Tracy sewer.

    Our story begins with Tracy in bed after a hard day of having the Governor hauled off in handcuffs because there might a committee meeting somewhere to decide if he might have had a conflict of interest in a real estate deal on a haunted house. His latest vacation is interrupted by Chief Liz, who is in a panic because there someone put ugly artwork up in a museum! We are then “treated” with numerous, repetitive scenes of onlookers endlessly bleating about how ugly and shocking these portraits are. At no point do they bother to show the comic strip reader any of these portraits and this continues right to the end of the storyline. Liz then mentions that, oh by the way, the museum director and about a dozen other prominent people have gone missing in the city, too. We then get an incredible series of strips in which Pat tells Tracy each of the people featured in the portraits and no name clerk at the police station slowly noting, in turn, that person is on the missing list. Gosh, could there be a connection? And Liz has a portrait in the museum! Did I mention that Liz has a portrait in the museum? Tracy declares that Liz must be kept under the strictest police security at the station and goes home to bed. That night, a hunchbacked henchman dresses up in a honest-to-God charwoman disguise that would fit right into a Monty Python skit. He goes right into the station as a cleaner woman, sneaks up on the lone guard on Liz and manages to overpower both the guard *and* the completely awake and aware Liz before anyone can even raise a shout. We later learn that he *also* spray painted all of the security cameras in the fully alerted police station before all of this. Wow, I want that guy on my team. Gasp, Liz is now missing, too! And she had her portrait in that gallery! Hey, says Dick, maybe we could do some detectiving around those portraits. Up to this point, no one in the police had managed such a brain wave. He heads off to the local art supply store and asks if anyone has been ordering a lot of Blood Red and Nauseous Yellow. Turns out the store keeps full records of anyone who buys paint supplies and gives Tracy the name of one of his old nemeses: Dab Stract! Dab Stract is a deeply ugly character, as is the wont of a Dick Tracy villain, and tells Tracy that he sure did paint all of those hideous portraits. He did it for a guy by the name of…I kid the Dear Reader not… Cole Lector.

    Meanwhile, the henchman has dropped off Liz with Cole Lector’s apparent second in command, who is too rude to introduce himself to his prisoners. He orders all of the people he kidnapped to prepare plans to fix everything, everywhere. You see, he’s collected them to form a ruling cabal for the entire planet. Lector’s apparently also collected priceless treasures from around the world, including the Mona Lisa.

    Tracy drives over to Lector’s place with a SWAT team. Oooh, but the SWAT team notes the place is like a fortress, pretty much impenetrable. Tracy must come up with a clever plan! He decides to head over to the museum have them offer to sell Lector a huge, ceramic horse that Tracy will hide inside. Again, I am not making this up. Cole Lector’s Supposed Henchman sees nothing unusual in taking an instant delivery of a priceless art treasure at his fortress home filled with kidnapped hostages. Cash or charge? Supposed henchman slips up and calls them his own treasures at one point, although the writer has this completely rewritten in a later recap. Ceramic horse arrives, grows from six to twelve feet tall after delivery, and Tracy dangles from underneath the horse like a demented parasite to confront the nefarious Lector (no point in pretending the Supposed Henchman isn’t the main villain). From this point on, it appears that Lector let all of his lackeys and servants have the day off, since he’s completely without allies or help within his own lair to the end of this storyline. Tracy has Lector at gunpoint! Lector disarms Tracy with a thrown hammer! He grabs the gun and straddles Tracy, God knows what for. Tracy kicks up and Lector runs off to some reason (this series of events is rendered even more confusing by an inconsistent Sunday recapping). Tracy doesn’t have his gun, which sends him into a wide-eyed, mewling panic. He decides to get dressed up in a full, late Medieval suit of armor. Lector grabs a fully functioning crossbow and actually laughs at how stupid Tracy’s plan is, since he can hear Tracy clanking miles away and the armor won’t protect Tracy against crossbow blots or bullets. And he’s right! Liz shows up and manages to tear a mask off of Lector, but is otherwise ineffective. Tracy is only saved by a lame Deus ex Machina in which Dab Stract entered the supposed fortress lair with no problems, hid in a convenient spot and managed to shoot Lector in the back with a bow and arrow. So, Lector is defeated at last, only being outnumbered three to one by the brave Tracy gang. Oh and he’s apparently really ugly under the mask, so that makes the whole thing thematically satisfying or some such crap.

  112. And The
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Oh and I forgot that once the action is nearly done, the SWAT team decides to enter this fortress by the kicking in a glass paneled door.

  113. louder
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    FOOB: As usual, we get to see Michael be an insufferable prick to his family, and we’re supposed to find it cute. Gosh! Lynn just retire already or stop venting your own family frustrations in your comic.

  114. astroboy
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    PBS – Every day I hope for my heart to get a little lift from those magic words, “Hullooo, zeeba neighba…” Crocs + “Peenuts” crossover = win, win, win! Pastis just rules, case closed.

    FOOBs – That’s right, Michael, you just keep tickita-tapping away while your unruly, ill-mannered little brats happily work their way towards childhood obesity. Eventually, Dee will show up with some actual parenting skills. You smug, arrogant little prick.

    SFx – I love the way Cassandra Cat just casually tosses her ill-gotten plunder down the well, not even attempting to profit from her villainy. Our Cass is all “Yeah, I know the damn fox will figure this one out pretty quickly. Want your pennies back? Go get ‘em, you buck-toothed little freak.”

    FW – In Cancer Deathville, there is no irony in the song “It’s the End of the World As We Know it (and I Feel Fine.)” In fact, it’s their official anthem.

    BB – Beetle’s pet name for Sarge is The Big Surge? I just…don’t…wanna…know.

    PV – After successfully portraying the Ghost of King Solomon to save the day, Skyrmir appears to be seriously injured once again. Having had his hamstring sliced by Val early on, been carried off by harpies, and been crushed by a rockslide, here’s hoping Skyrmir survives this one. The Norse warlord’s genuine yet always-uneasy truce with the Prince of Thule has been muy entertaining, and I’m going to be very disappointed if he’s a last-minute kill-off after all that.

  115. Paul1963, keeps forgetting to delete the Jungle Patrol joke on this computer
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    #66–And, as has been pointed out in other threads, Kay and Hawa are having lunch with Diana Palmer-Walker, who told them she was married to the Unknown Commander back at the beginning of this storyline.

    Female ‘mudges, please enlighten me: Fantasizing about your friends’ husbands when your friends are sitting right in front of you is still pretty uncool, right?

  116. Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
    May 4th, 2008 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    #84 , bats: Great MW! And funny that you should mention fire in FC.

  117. Godzooky
    May 4th, 2008 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    #115 Paul1963 & others: Actually, though the depiction didn’t make it as clear as it should have, Diana’s “reveal” was just an internal thought. If she had said it out loud, doubt that the follow-up would have been a recap of the Jungle Patrol legend. Heck, she even thinks some more to herself after the recap.

    What I’m wondering is whether she has actually let anyone in town know she’s married and has children. If she did, wouldn’t people wonder how come they’re never seen?

    Then again, if they were seen, people would wonder how two dark-haired people spawned two blonde kids. Eh, best to leave well enough alone.

  118. anonymously
    May 4th, 2008 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    #96 – I’m sorry your sister got a ‘lemon’, but the poor animal has probably suffered abuse in the past. We had a cat like that and it took a lot of time, but we all adjusted and just accepted the fact that we didn’t have a purring cuddlebug. We did a good thing by giving the cat a good home and that was what was important. And we adopted a couple of other cats who were more affectionate, though one absolutely refused to be picked up or held – but what a purr machine! He followed me everywhere and got involved in everything. (In later years, the Disgruntled Loner began to lose her sight and hearing, and only then did she spend a lot of time sitting on my lap, feeling secure. She was a beautiful animal and we were privileged to have her.)

  119. Hugin
    May 4th, 2008 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    87: My view is a bit different. My wife is a writer and always has time for the kids. LJ doesn’t make writers look like “selfish, fussy, stupid beasts” she makes Mike look like a “selfish, fussy, stupid beast.” After a strip like today’s I find it impossible to believe that anyone could identify with Mike or find him amusing, cute, likeable, tolerable or even merely mildly annoying. Unfortunately for our world I’d only have to visit Coffee Glarg to be proven wrong.

    MRSA, MD: Ohhh, yeeeah. If Rex closes his eyes real tight and makes sure to keep thinking about his impending visit to the boy’s locker room, he might even bring himself to touch June.

    MT: Mark says: “I love skunks. I use their essence as aftershave. It gives me that manly, outdoorsy smell.”

  120. famvir
    May 4th, 2008 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan….Rex and June, close to nekked. June sitting splay legged on the bed, Rex in his boxers, all hairy chested and hairy armed (and erect nipples!). The conversation? Read between the lines. Actually, just read the lines. Only leave out the dead boy s***.

    I don’t mind if you come.
    Two heads are better….
    That should make some tense
    Already been tested?
    Clean as a whistle…

    Looks like they are ready for a little marital/hetero fun. And about time…..

  121. Harold
    May 4th, 2008 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    When last we saw Steve’s mother in Judge Parker, wasn’t she sitting in her wheelchair with a shotgun by her side?

    “Mom, I’m home! I brought a guest for dinner! I’d like you to meet-”
    “-another of your filthy little whores, son?”
    “Mother! Oh, GOD, Mother, what have you done?!”

  122. Uncle Lumpy
    May 4th, 2008 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    #121 Harold –

    Betcha that’s not ma at the window, but the hot ter’rist who delivered the portrait of Ibn Abu Ugly — get set for weeks and weeks of exciting hostage action!

    My money’s on Gloria, in the kitchen, with a frying pan.

  123. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 4th, 2008 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    And now, it’s time for Disturbingly Dark Comics!

    SS: “Well, I don’t wanna play cattle drive. Hey, let’s play Matthew Shepard again!”

    BB: In the next panel, Sarge is showing Beetle his own version of “waterboarding.”

    BH: Who are these happy, loving “Harriet and Stanley Parker” in the throwaway title panel, and when do we get to see a strip about them, instead of the despair-filled couple who killed them, buried them under the garden shed and assumed their identities?

    Bizarro: Oh my God! In the audience! It’s Aldo Kelrast!

    Blondie: Blondie’s body preportions are really starting to bug me. I mean, yeah, we know she’s got big ones, but still, shouldn’t there be some torso under that chest? She looks like the result of Chinese foot-binding, only hers went all the way up to her ribcage.

    Crock: Why do they continue to follow this guy? Shouldn’t the patrol leader’s bones be bleaching in the desert sun by now?

    FC: “An’ my hip boots! The bullshit’s gettin’ deep in here!”

    H&L: Sure you can start fires, Ditto! Spider-Man uses devices for his Web slinging, so you can still be super even if you have to use lighters. Go for it!

    JP: Why is she hunched over the wheel like that in Panel 2? Look, Gloria, Steve’s in a wheelchair. You don’t have to pull the “out of gas” trick to get him trapped alone with you. Just put a stick through his spokes.

    Lockhorns: The cop didn’t pull Leroy over for talking on his cell phone, but because his car seemed to be riding unusually low in the back. Leroy’s “talking to his wife” story will unravel when the officer sees the dark puddle starting to drip from the trunk.

    MT: After the Catbus was embraced by the anime-watching public, Hayao Miyazaki experimented with several other less successful knockoffs, including the Skunk Tank.

    Marvin: And dare I ask why that one’s brown?

    MW: Even at his mother’s deathbed, Ron can’t help but think of that magic night he spent canoodling with Helen Hunt.

    PMP: Noah Webster died in 1843. Edison didn’t create the first electric light until 1879. Shouldn’t Webster be more fascinated by that magical lamp in the corner than his mental dictionary diversion?

    Phantom: In Soviet Mawitaan, Phantom sees you! – Old Yakov Smirnoff saying

    SFx: Pennies? Really? State quarters would not only have made a better haul (a jar that size could hold several hundred dollars), but would have made a better mystery, since we wouldn’t have had to guess at the dates on the coins.

  124. One-eyed Wolfdog
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    The look on Dick Tracy’s face in panel three to say, “This armor may be shining on the outside, but there’s – ahhhhh! – yeah. There’s gonna be a tarnished patch on the inside.”

  125. LTBF
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    117-I always wondered about how Bob Saget and the dark skinned John Stamos’ sister could have three blonde daughters on Full House.

    I don’t suppose the goofy blonde guy on the show could have been involved with that?

  126. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    #121 Harold, #122 Uncle Lumpy: Those are awfully youthful hands pulling back the curtains, which suggest a hot ter’rist. Yay!

    Harold’s take dovetails nicely with today’s Momma.

  127. Albatross
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Spectacular Spider-Brick@123: I found today’s Beetle Bailey offensive enough, well, to post my opinion here. We have friends and neighbors dying in Iraq to “roadside bums,” and I find the strip tasteless in the extreme. I don’t know how that strip is supposed to be supportive of the troops, inasmuch as the troops are baking in endless deployment in Iraq, while Beetle and his buddies camp out in the Camp Swampy forest.

  128. David
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Pure dope? Marijuana isn’t like heroin/cocaine – it’s hard to not get it pure. There might be some particularly evil dealers who put sand to weight up your dope, or soap to make it look more crystallised, but it’s really rare. Marijuana is a plant, Alan’s just asked the equivalent of ‘pure lettuce.’

    Also Josh: Jones probably wouldn’t mind so long as Alan kept buying off him (he’s getting the money anyway, after all), but if he started to rival him then maybe we’ll see some bongo related murders.

  129. Calico
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Bats and Dean Booth – awesome PS’s.

    Haha, Wilson and Nolan got past the Nipple Patrol!
    Wait’ll we get our Hanes® off you.

    FOOB – What is the King of Pompousness and Tickety Tap writing now – Skunk Season?
    Seems about right.
    Re: the shovel in FC, I think it would be better used for Mike’s pile of crap.

  130. Calico
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    #128 – In Europe, I believe cheap big chunks of hash are sold that are called “Soapbar”, and they have God knows what added. Shoe polish, soap, dogshit…who really knows? Gross.
    Anyway, I think Alan is into Wacky Crack.

    Is today a meta-self referential Cartoonists Day? Because I’m seeing a lot of backpatting thematically in the Sunday comix.

  131. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Wow. Acres and acres of Rex’s pecs. Or is that Rex’s rack? Not to mention squiggly June.

    #129 Calico:

    Haha, Wilson and Nolan got past the Nipple Patrol!

    I QUIT! I’m joining the Nipple Patrol!

  132. Calico of the Nipple Patrol
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    SH – Me too! Ohhhh Yeaaaah!

    Question-did Heather spend the night too? Here’s to hoping.

  133. John C Fremont
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    # 98 – I’ve taken Bob Weber, Jr.’s advice and view as many comics as possible on just so I can enlarge as needed. That thing the skunk has in Mark Trail looks kinda rodenty, but I think it also has an antenna sticking out of its head. I’m guessing that maybe it’s supposed to be a beetle… although if that’s the case, it’s a beetle that’s been crossed with a shrew. A brew. Or a shreetle. Or maybe Elrod forgot what he was drawing midway through and kept on drawing anyway. That’s the manly thing to do.

    Lio – “It Had Tentacles And Many Eyes.” I love it!

    A3G – Speaking of reruns, remember when the networks would sometimes opt for a summer replacement series instead of reruns all summer? (For The Smothers Brothers, it was “Our Place” and, oddly, “Hee Haw.”) Maybe Bolle and Trusiani should consider this for their Sunday strips. Not “Hee Haw” necessarily (although I would like to see how Bolle would draw Junior Samples. I’ll bet his weight would fluctuate from panel to panel. I wonder if his Bolle’s head would explode when he tried to draw Misty Rowe.) Or better yet, pull a Phantom and give us a different story on Sundays.

    On the other hand, it’s so much darned fun to snark at the Sunday recaps. Nevermind, Lisa and Frank. Nevermind.

    Oh, and Lu Ann turns into Lauren Bacall in the second panel.

    RMMD – Hotchy-motchy! I mean, Yow! A hey naughty-naughty and a hotch-cha! Fit as a fiddle and ready for love, indeed!

    “Clean as a whistle?” Maybe they’d better test that whistle for MRSA!

    As an aside, one of my sons was in our high school’s final performance of “Zombie Prom” last night – so when Rex said, “It’s the school the dead boy attended,” I interpreted that line a bit differently than intended… or did I?

    JP – “Norman? Norman!”

    Those hands do look pretty young to belong to Steve’s mom. Maybe she uses Palmolive. Softens hands while you do the dishes.

  134. Poteet
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    # 62 — “That that,” yeesh. Brad isn’t the only dull one.

    # 124 Wolfdog — BWAHAHA!

  135. Poteet
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    # 133 John — HAR!!!! Your comment on MT has just become my personal Comment of the Sunday.

    #96 Joe & #118 anonymously — I too sympathize with your sister, Diamond Joe. I’ve adopted several adult strays. One hates being picked up and avoids laps, but he now purrs a lot in the chair next to mine, a nice arrangement for computer work. Another used to be so terrifed that she hid most of the time — years later, she’s a fearless lap lover. Your sister did a good deed, and I thank her, and anonymously, I thank you also.

  136. Vakar
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    118: Homeless animals should beat a path to your door! Good for you for adopting a shelter cat, and for recognizing its special needs.

    I suppose I should tie this back to a comic, though. Mutts‘ “Love, guaranteed” message today may be a tad overstated. No, not every little kitty is affectionate, whatever their past. But an animal can appreciate being in a good home, getting good care. You don’t have to anthropomorphize them to see this.

    The message is maybe overstated in the same way as the whole message of Shelter Stories week. There are plenty of animals who need good people in good homes who get overlooked. But I’d hardly want everybody to go get one, because people who aren’t ready for pets, or unwilling to meet the needs of the pets they get, are a big reason pets become homeless in the first place.

    So why try to tug at our heartstrings? I’d like to think it’ll motivate a few people to seriously look at their situation and decide they can take on that responsibility. But maybe I’m too sentimental about this subject.

  137. Helena Handbasket
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    #127 Albatros: I also found Beetle Bailey incredibly offensive. Do they not have inkers or colorists or letterers or editors who could warn them just how much of a bad idea the “roadside bum” was?

  138. Dingo
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Hello? Mary? Mary Worth? The woman who says, “We cannot change what God determines?” You’re in a FUCKING HOSPITAL. Donna is strapped to a bed with a ventilator over her face. That, my dear, IS FUCKING PLAYING WITH GOD’S WISHES. God wanted Donna dead. Deceased. Potted. Lower than a Bush presidency rating. Your doctors and staff are keeping her tied to this world against the determination of your deity. THE ONLY FUCKING REASON FOR THIS WOMAN TO BREATHE IS FOR YOU TO MEDDLE WITH HER SONS’ LIVES. They’ll finally bury the hatchet and you’ll conveniently pull the plug. Another death on Mary Worth’s hands and another homily in the park with Toeby.

    Next month: waterboarding the staff at the women’s shelter.

  139. Chat Noir
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Sunday’s FOOB: Wow, it’s rare you see the birth of eating disorders, the moment where absentmindedness turns to neglect and the defining event when children realize they can undermine one parent’s authority. Way to go, Lynn! It’s like watching a Behind the Music on Britney Spears. If only Michael were hooked on crystal meth instead of tickita-tapping out Harlequin’s next bargain-basement giveaway.

  140. Poteet
    May 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    # 48 Joe & # 89 Alfred — Wow, you’ve given me new insights. I wonder if Lynn felt she had to give Farley a heroic death to try to appease the readers who would be upset by Farley dying at all. And yes, to make Farley look heroic, Lynn made Elly negligent and then made Elly barely feel any guilt for it. Ewww.

    And Michael, if you want to focus on your writing and never be interrupted, there’s a simple solution that obviously didn’t occur to you — Don’t. Have. Kids. Since it’s too late for that, be sure to complain to Dee that you only want to see your little rugrats when it’s totally and entirely convenient for yourself, and that the rest of the time, she should make sure they don’t interfere at all as you pound out more evidence of your towering genius.

  141. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    #140 Poteet:

    And Michael, if you want to focus on your writing and never be interrupted, there’s a simple solution that obviously didn’t occur to you — Don’t. Have. Kids.

    Heh! I’m looking forward to the Mutts/Foob crossover featuring Mewwy and Wobbin in a very special Shelter Stories, once Michael and Dee divest themselves of the Patterspawn: “Don’t split us up, an’ we’ll warm the cookies of your heart!” “MM-MMM!”

  142. Jym
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    =v= MT: In today’s nature article, we learn that skunks kill insects, illustrated with a skunk killing a mouse-sized and -furred insect. Bwuh?

    =2= Li’l Abner (Ukelele Ike): To me it’s always been “meh.” As with Pogo, which I spent too many years too young to appreciate, I thought its charms would reveal themselves to me over time. Instead it just still seems leaden. Sledgehammery.

  143. Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    #127 Albatros & #137 Helena — I’m with you on BB. This tripe is possible only because of the media’s sanitation of the war.

  144. bats :[
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    96. Diamond Joe re RMMD: I love how your mind works, with all that flipping and flopping around in the gutter! I just about laughed up a lung!

    116. Dean Booth re FC: oh, yeah…I think that’s one of those Wham-O Li’l Flame Throwers, right?

    133. John C Fremont re MT: I’m guessing that the skonk’s quarry is a mole… (no, not like the FW malignant kind).

    Mutts’ Shelter Stories: again, I like them a lot. It’s also a nice coincidence that they’ve been running this week when the Sunday edition of Tucson’s paper has a front cover article on the eternal end of the semester/animal abandonment problem.
    Damn college kids. Get your damned beer bottles off my lawn. And take responsibility for your pets!

  145. Little Guy
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    yester-Phantom: With this amount of fanasizing of mysterious and unknown commanders, any wonder why GE Chennux has been absent these past few months? Which one of you female ‘Mugeons went into stalking mode?

    SFx: CASSANDRA! Ah, tell him they were Pennies from Heaven. If he still accuses you, claim religious oppression.

    PBS: No, I do think “#^#%^! Me Gonna Die” is what Charlie Brown said *after* he missed the football.

    S-M: While MJ is trying to keep SpiderFlu from falling on her face, she’s giving us ample shots of her assets.

  146. Baka Gaijin
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    #114 Astroboy: How long have you been following Prince Valiant? When I was a lad, I read it for 6 months and still couldn’t figure out what was going on.

  147. TheDiva
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    136 Vakar: That’s precisely why Mr. Diva and I don’t have a dog–as charming as a canine companion would be, our schedules won’t allow us to give a dog the attention it needs. Cats, being more independent, suit us just fine, though.

  148. Calico of the Nipple Patrol
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    Hear, hear, and Word! on the poor War “jokes” and animal abandonment.
    We have a lovely black and white cat who adopted us in ’05 – I had two of my original cats (from ’87-’88) at the time, and one, the Calico, was getting old and did pass from kidney failure (we did euthanasia-she didn’t suffer), and the DAY AFTER she passed, I heard “mew?” from under our back porch-he had been scoping us out for a few weeks (I had smelled kitty pee for a while, and knew it wasn’t from our cats). His name is Renoir, or Renny, after Renyard Whiteoak from the Jalna series of books, and he is a joy.

  149. Poteet
    May 4th, 2008 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    # 141 Spotted H0rse — What a great idea!!!

  150. John C Fremont
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    # 141 (SH,JS) – “Cookies of your heart!” Tee-hee!!

    # 148 (CotNP) – I like the way you worded that. Two of our cats adopted us also. Scully just popped by one day and moved in. Mitchell is a shelter kitty. One of my kids was working at a pet store & fell in love with Shady, the runt of the litter. New Kitty showed up at the beginning of this past winter & moved in under the porch. When it got cold, we let her in and she hasn’t left yet. She yowls a lot. (We’ve GOT to get her fixed!) My Mom’s dog Rufus also lives here. He’s gone from being a basement dweller to being an outdoor dog. He’s my large, dark buddy. (As opposed to Mitchell, my big, white buddy.) Shady’s kind of bland, but she has her own theme song.

  151. Selesen
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    Hey, guys, guess what. I, as someone whose grandmother owns every single one of the FOOB collections and has read them all multiple times, would like to point out something ironic. Sunday’s FOOB is in fact a re-used joke.
    Back when Michael was still in grade school and Elly was trying to make a career out of writing, Elly was the one distractedly typing away, and Mike was the one pestering her for something. Except that he was pestering her for a pair of scissors and two towels, and Elly actually got up and got them for him and he was back outside before she realized her mistake.
    So I’d say that Michael’s parenting skills are in fact a step up.

  152. Hank
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    RE: FOOB, 151, Selesen. Funny you should mention that this is a recycled gag from old days. As I read it, I thought that Michaels whole “I need to be alone with my muse” was probably the way that Lynne treated her kids when they were little. Your comment only reinforces that belief.

  153. kmo
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    SFx: Fitting the theme of today’s Shelter Stories, how sweet are the cat and dog comforting the little boy with the toothache?

  154. Vakar
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    147 TheDiva: I wish more people had your sense!

  155. FOOBed again
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    #128 David: I thought Alan’s drug of choice was cocaine or heroin?

  156. Vakar
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    With the male characters in Apartment 3-G, I don’t see indistinguishable clones, rather the opposite. They don’t look like the same person from panel to panel! Today’s installment is a good example; play along at home!

    In panel ___ , ___ looks like ___.

    One, Jack, Desi Arnaz
    Two, Jack, Rex Morgan
    Three, Jack, Ed Sullivan
    Four, Jack, Richard Nixon
    Five, Jones, Maynard G. Krebs
    Six, Jones, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
    Seven, Jones, Granny from old Looney Tunes shorts
    Five, Alan, Harrison Ford
    Six, Alan, the late Heath Ledger
    Seven, Alan, Dan Quayle

  157. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    #149 Poteet: …except that Mewwy and Wobbin would be rendered in the style of McDonnell, and would consequently be cute, and I don’t like the idea of those two being anything other than the hellish Patterspawn they are.

    FOOB: This is one of the most lovingly rendered sequences of the Artist that I’ve seen. Every little hair perfectly detailed. Chiseled and handsome in the “Tick-Tap!” panel. Geez, Lynn, methinks you got it bad for your creation. I think there’s a support group located at 9 Chickweed Lane that will understand your issues.

  158. DAS
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: June’s all ready to help provide Rex some prophylactic relaxation to help Rex prepare for his “tense” day tomorrow, but it seems that Rex is too busy thinking about his, um, “tense” day tomorrow to even notice his wife who certainly looks hawt, even in granny-panties (but I thought they weren’t really granny panties unless they were beige rather than white).

    MW: “How dare you not submit to my meddling? It is the will of God and of your mother that you accept my platitudes and interference in your life”

  159. DAS
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: that’s why my wife always says never to say “yes” to our daughter without knowing to what we are agreeing.

  160. Haschel Cedricson
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom promises us “Next Week: New Adventure”. The only way that box could be more unhelpful would be if it said “Next Week: Plot Twist” or “Next Week: Exposition”.

    And yet I admire the box’s honesty; it tells us exactly what we will get next week. New Adventure. Be still, my beating heart.

  161. commodorejohn
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    #109 TheDiva re: FOOB – Me too.

    A3G – Wait, “rock?” Yesterday it was dope. Keep it straight, Shulock! And points to whoever guessed that Jones would be an inexplicably jealous dealer.

    A.D. – Heheh. This has been a cliche since probably before ol’ Johnny was even born, but if you ask me, it never gets old.

    BBlue – That…thing in the splash panel is going to give me nightmares, I just know it.

    Baldo – Erm, what is that thing Baldo’s got? It looks like a DM shield, but he’s not playing D&D.

    BB – Cue the firestorm of indignant letters from military personnel in actually hazardous and difficult situations.

    Curtis – Hahaha, it’s not the point of the comic that entertains today, it’s the way it’s played out. Whereas Lynn Johnston tackled the issue of smoking in bed with her characteristic smug self-righteousness, Billingsley actually makes an amusing comic around it. Well done, man.

    FC – Oh, opportunity!

    FOOB – Michael, you horrible self-absorbed bastard.

    FB – Fred Basset featuring text messaging is like Warren Harding listening to Duran Duran.

    FW – Yep, this is Funky Winkerbean, all right. I can’t wait until the next ten-year jump, after which Summer and her husband will be living on a trimaran (Les long since having died of cancer, of course,) scrounging anything imaginable from the vast, endless ocean to trade for basic necessities like food and drinking water, filtering their own urine to minimize waste.

    JP – Woohoo, if that last panel is any indication, this is going to turn into a horror film after all!

    Lio – I would so go to see a movie titled It Had Tentacles And Many Eyes. Also, I gotta wonder if panel two is a reference to that old Charles Addams cartoon with the guy in the theater. Knowing Tatulli, probably.

    MT – Haha, this is nine kinds of awesome.

    MW – Mary is telling this fellow that God has decreed that it’s his mother’s time to die. Wow. Even for Mary, this is some serious meddling.

    Momma – You know, I really shouldn’t be surprised by this, but I still can’t quite believe that Francis not only scraped together the money to hire a hooker, but brought her home, let alone while his mother was home. Momma’s harassing of her son’s sex partner by way of her son is of course to be expected.


    PBS – Hahaha YES.

    Pluggers – I actually got a chuckle out of today’s Pluggers.

    Popeye – Popeye has a crippling obsessive-compulsive disorder relating to spinach.


    SFx – Okay, with a story like that, there’s no way Cassandra isn’t trying to get taken in. So either she’s trying to provide a distraction while someone else pulls off a heist (for which she will presumably be paid handsomely,) or she’s trying to place herself at the mercy of everybody’s favorite vulpine PI. Psst, Slylock, dude, she wants you. Bad.

    SM – Spider-Man really must not be feeling well; he’s trying to take an active role in crime-fighting. He’s gotta be friggin’ delirious.

    Edison Lee – John Hambrock has figured out how to remain “topical” without having to actually research what’s going on: toss a comic strip’s worth of words in with a few names randomly plucked from the news while saying essentially nothing. Careful, Edison. You’re stepping on Herb and Jamaal’s turf.

  162. Diamond Joe
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    #106 McPerson:

    “I’m a little surprised the hillbillies don’t know the word ‘violated’ considering they all own signs saying, ‘No trespassing, violators will be shot.’”

    Or “violators will be ventilated.”

  163. Vakar
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know how sick I have to be to admit this, but there was more than the usual dose of sexiness in today’s comics. You know about RMMD, today’s Slylock featured Cassandra Cat, and 9CL caused me a few impure thoughts. Of course, most comics creators are men, we know that, so they want to draw attractive women. No complaints here.

    But in the interest of fairness, I must ask: What is there for the ladies (and some gentlemen) on the comics page? Are Rex’s nipples all you get?

    (Or is this a too-well-worn topic that I haven’t clued into yet?)

  164. Diamond Joe
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    #118 anonymously:

    re: the “lemon” cat

    I was semi-kidding. My sister has no intention of parting with her, even though the cat is not much of a comfort. She has another shelter rescue who lives to be petted by her.

  165. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    #163 Vakar: Behold:“It’s raining men!” W00t! I wouldn’t necessarily call it a too-well-worn topic, what with some of us (i.e., me) constantly waxing lyrical over Christian Singles Girl and Abby’s co-stars. However, some in the community get a little uncomfortable when the talk gets a little too heavily (snrk) focused on boxer bundles.

  166. Diamond Joe
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    #144 bats :[

    “96. Diamond Joe re RMMD: I love how your mind works, with all that flipping and flopping around in the gutter! I just about laughed up a lung!”

    We aim to please.

    “116. Dean Booth re FC: oh, yeah…I think that’s one of those Wham-O Li’l Flame Throwers, right?”

    No, I think it’s a Sony “My First Flamethrower.”

  167. Mibbitmaker
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    #145 (Little Guy) re:Phantom — It may not be a female ‘Mudge. Given GE’s nonhuman appearence, I suspect either Beverly Switzler or Jaka Tavers.

    1) In the United States, ferrets are often called “Frank Burns” (or is that in South Korea?)
    2) With the “insect” in question, maybe Elrod didn’t have any insect in his animal clip-art collection, so he just drew an antenna on some mouse clip-art?

    FW: Batiuk/that teacher make Al Gore sound like a Global Warming-denying conservative by comparison.

    Cranky: To be fair, they were just doing their Boss Tudball impression, big Tim Conway fans that they were. No, it’s just that the whole FAMILY of malprops talk like that! STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!!

    S-M: What, a guy dressed like a bird is a bug now?? Elroooooooooood…!!

    FOOB: Worst case of ADD (no ‘H’) I’ve ever seen. Hell, Mikey Patterson’s the worst case of anything I’ve ever seen.

    NS: …The development of obnoxious male stereotypes…
    At least there’s some differentiation between “Man” (in the gender sense) and “Guys”, the latter meaning those among us that fit the stereotypes….. Aw, who’m I kidding — this is Wiley; “Man” meant “Humankind” and “Guys” meant “Men”, alright!

  168. queek
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    163: that discussion was held awhile back, and the results were pretty dismal. iirc. There’s ol’ Stripey Butt and a few others, but most of the decent nominees were supporting characters like Cedric the SuperButler, and thus unlikely ever to be seen again after their story arc was over. I’ll leave it to the ladies to supply details.

  169. Calico of the Nipple Patrol
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    #129 – I realize that I probably should have written “pomposity” instead.
    Again, I think I need to back to skool with the Keane Kidz.

    MW – The Biddy goes home and puts another mark on her scoreboard of death.

  170. Ukulele Ike
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    Jym @ 142: I, too, was only a bud (b. 1960) back when Pogo and Lil’ Abner were still running in the papers, and I didn’t understand them either. It didn’t help that I only saw them on Sundays — my grandparents took the Akron Beacon-Journal rather than the Cleveland Plain Dealer, and I spent Sundays with them, perusing the color comics.

    During my book editor days, though, I became friends with underground comic artist/comics publisher Denis Kitchen, who was very nice about sending me free copies of his Abner reprint volumes every time another year was published. (He managed to make it up to 1963 before going bankrupt.) So I learned to love Capp when I was a great big grown-up man.

  171. prospero
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    Wouldn‘t the nerd more nerdlier than Jason Fox actually know the word is prerogative? But one way or another, this boy is eventually going to get into Paige’s pants, and I hope and pray it happens on a weekday.

  172. Ukulele Ike
    May 4th, 2008 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Oh, man, us Baby Boomers think we discovered drugs.

    Back in the pre-1967 olden days, before everyone smoked marijuana and called it “dope,” “dope” was a catchall word that could mean marijuana, heroin, opium, Coca-Cola, etc.

    One example out of thousands of possible ones: Canadian folkie Buffy Saint-Marie wrote a nifty song called “Codine” that got covered by several much cooler musicians, including The Charlatans and Quicksilver Messenger Service. The first-person protagonist sang about addiction to apothecary-grade painkillers, which s/he referred to as “dope.”

  173. Mibbitmaker
    May 4th, 2008 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    BBailey: Those wishing this strip would acknowlege current military reality: Be careful what you wish for!

    A3G: Actually, most of the time Alan looks like Dan Quayle. So we have Dan Quayle selling drugs? A3G is slowly morphing into early ’90s Doonesbury, when Trudeau started getting loopy.

    I mean, really, Garry — this is Dan freakin’ Quayle we’re talking about! Do we really need a druggy conspiracy theory to go after that guy? Aw, what the hell — with DQ’s Bush-related dumb-guy doppelganger Dubya, everyone’s now on the dangerously-incompetent-isn’t-enough,-his-administration’s-gotta-be-evil bandwagon, so…….

    Wait… A3G… A3G…

    Jeez, that Margo’s mean, ain’t she?…..

  174. prospero
    May 4th, 2008 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    Ike. There is nobody on the face of the earth cooler than Buffy Saint-Marie.

    And her version of her song is positively definitive. Excruciating, actually. And she’s an awe-inspiring guitar player too. And she holds her own on the Performance soundtrack. I imagine Mick was howling just around midnight.

    She also wrote Universal Soldier, which should be played over and over as part of the torture-light regimen when W goes to Gitmo.

    Morphine, codeine, what is it with these ladies? And isn’t Jones such a wimp you could just slap his ass down and take his money and his stash?

  175. DAS
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    And points to whoever guessed that Jones would be an inexplicably jealous dealer. – Commodore John

    I know that Jones is supposed to be jealous and turf-guarding here (and not that I should criticize considering my lack of drawing skills … although, OTOH, I’m not getting paid to draw), but to my eye, Jones is looking more concerned and sad about Alan’s impending demise: as a user Alan is gonna survive ok, but as a dealer, Alan’ll get seriously busted, that is if he doesn’t manage to get himself bumped off first.

  176. Nil Zed
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    #159 DAS says: FOOB: that’s why my wife always says never to say “yes” to our daughter without knowing to what we are agreeing.

    Ha! By the time your first kid is as old as Mewwie, a parent certainly should have learned that if they are the distracted sort, mumbling ‘No’ to anything the kid says is the almost always the right thing to do. If ‘no’ is truly and unjust or just plain wrong answer, the kid will howl loudly and distincly enough to rouse you from your inattentive state; while if ‘no’ is the answer they know they’d get from better grown-ups, they’ll go with it. Not happily, but still. (assuming there are any better grown-ups in their life.)

  177. bats :[
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, yeah…WAY too much free time today!

  178. Tuna
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    all this talk of race and hotness and grounds really makes me want coffee

    but that may not be normal. i’m a girl and my middle name is earl.

    weird huh

  179. geronimo onimo onimo onicus
    May 4th, 2008 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    You know, that may be a wedding, but it looks a lot more like the mayday pole dancing all the boys may have either had all too much of, or way missed out on, in their day. happy other drinker’s revelrous freedom ceremony to all of you in advance time. i don’t know about me and the tequila we may cross paths, we may not. It may be wearing an ascot.

    either way, i’m a fan of bringing back the more savorable, crass, intuitive, backwards, and barefooted elements of young revelry for the crazy children of our future generations

  180. Vakar
    May 4th, 2008 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    165, 168: Oh, dang, that was an Uncle Lumpy post from around six months ago– I should have remembered! I guess if and when there are more women in the comics biz, that’ll change. I just have this weird feeling of male guilt when I’m served so much ‘eye candy.’

  181. Little Guy
    May 4th, 2008 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    #151: Actually, the “distracted parent agreeing to anything” joke is a staple for strips for decades, so it’s not just a sign of the Delicate Genius. Dagwood, Curtis’ dad, Ted Forth,… even Little Iodine’s dad had variations on it.

  182. NosferatusCoffin
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    AG3: What has it been, 3 days since New Year’s Day in their Mirror, Mirror universe? And all that has happened is people blubbering over the blonde’s semi-literate paintings and the Reject-Ken-Doll doing some blow and booze every 20 minutes, all the while being ogled by a time traveling Moronic Beatnik Wannabe.

    This strip has all of the pacing of Michael Moore running a marathon.

  183. queek
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    I hope for True Fable’s sake that he isn’t watching Iron Chef tonight. :-(

  184. the dude
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    #30: I think she was raptured.

  185. Doug Puthoff
    May 4th, 2008 at 9:52 pm [Reply]


    FC–I forgot my alternate caption for yesterday, “Mommy, Billy’s Roger Clemens action figure went and a rampage and smashed my frigerater.

  186. Rusty
    May 4th, 2008 at 10:16 pm [Reply]


    I was thinking about the post floated somewhere above that the strip went downhill when Elly let April wander away to drwon in the stream, only to be saved by the wonder dog. April is now 17, isn’t their present-day sheepdog mix a scion of the original dog now dead 17 years? What’s the shelf life of the present one?

  187. Vince M
    May 4th, 2008 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    162: I thought their signs all said “Git offn’ mah PROPPATY!”

  188. electro
    May 4th, 2008 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    Sturdivant is about to find out the real reason they call people around here ‘Pluggers’.

  189. NosferatusCoffin
    May 4th, 2008 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    Wow. Check out Rex Morgan…

    Looks like he might actually bang his wife for the first time since The Osmonds were last on TV. On the other hand, I am sure he will weasel out of it yet again by claiming that he now has MRSA. As in, “Not tonight honey. I am suffering from ‘Masturbating Rex Syndrome of the Anus’”.

    Also, you have to love how his chest gets bigger in every panel.

  190. Anonymous
    May 5th, 2008 at 7:18 am [Reply]

    re. 162: see today’s “Cow and Boy”. (Glad to see it BTW – I’d thought Saturday’s looked like a last strip)

  191. Carly
    May 8th, 2008 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    What other occupation is Alan’s dealer referring to? Is Alan whoring himself out on the streets?

  192. Global H
    June 23rd, 2008 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    Late comment but it has to be said about the Apt 3-G in the wake of the Wire comment — if that little transaction was in the Wire universe, Jones would be Ziggy Sobotka, especially looking at that middle panel.

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