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Santa judges ALL your aesthetic choices, kids

Family Circus, 12/6/12

Meanwhile, at the North Pole: “Hmm, what’s this? Why, I see … a little boy who’s drawn a bell at school. Let’s take a closer look! Hmmm that … that’s the crappiest bell I’ve ever seen. Look at how weird and lumpy it is on the right side! And it’s colored a boring silver, not a festive gold. This little brat has desecrated the very concept of a bell, and bells are of course the 17th most important symbol of my holiday, Christmas. Nothing but socks and books under the tree for you this year, young man!”

Spider-Man, 12/6/12

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to our irregular series, How To Be An Unlikeable Douchebag Nobody Wants To Spend Time With! Today’s lesson: “Celebrate with grotesque theatricality whenever you’re right about anything.” To keep your technique up, it’s important to do this even if nobody else is around!

Blondie, 12/6/12

I give the people who color the daily strips crap all the time for ignoring explicit in-strip cues when picking what colors to dump in via the Photoshop paintcan tool, so I have to give minor props for someone’s slightly on-the-nose decision to slather Dagwood in pine-tree green for this.

268 responses to “Santa judges ALL your aesthetic choices, kids”

  1. wossname
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    MT – No snark, actual props to Jackelrod for creating – what’s that word… starts with an S… suspense! That’s it! It’s probably helped by the fact that we are/were all so sure that Mark would rescue Otto. Still, characters don’t ever die in MT, do they?

    MW – That’s it? All of a sudden Jim is all well-adjusted and has no anger management issues? And he’s content to be just friends? And Mary had nothing to do with the resolution? Oh well – pool party!

    @seismic-2 (#Y229): Thanks for the Zap Comix info. When I get home I’ll check to see which one I have. It’s in decent condition but not mint, which I’m sure affects its value.

  2. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    A-SM: The fact that nothing of any great value was stolen doesn’t make the story amazing; it makes it non-newsworthy.

    MT: As usual, Elrod visually yadda-yaddas the best part: “And then the shark ripped into his thrashing leg, and as the limb was slowly and painfully detached . . . well, yadda yadda yadda.”

    FC: I’m just hoping we get an escalating pattern of festive, panoptically based anxiety from the Keane kids, right up until Christmas. Bonus points if
    a) at least one Melonhead ends up curled up in corner, sobbing and shaking, screaming, “Don’t look at me, Santa! For the love of god, don’t look at me!
    b) we learn that the heavy-lidded stares hide the true, bloody horror of their pre-Christmas naughtiness; after all, once the death toll hits 8, it’s hardly even any fun any more.

  3. Justin
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    So do the Keanes just leave their front door wide open all day? Because nobody’s standing there holding it, and based on the art Billy’s arms don’t reach the knobs. I guess they’re hoping one of the brats and/or Barfy will run away.

  4. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, snark late shift (#Y233): Could just as well be Nihilism too, as if any of it matters.

    MW: Finally, Dawn has a friend. I’m not being sarcastic — I’m pretty sure that in all the years she’s been in this strip, this is the first one she’s had that we’ve actually seen.

  5. jimbo
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    The real St. Nicholas punched heretics in the face. That’s what I’d like to see happen to Billy here; it would give a new meaning to “you better watch out, you better not cry…”

  6. Mumblix Grumph
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    FC: Hey…that’s not a bell! It’s the ass end of an angel bending over. It’s probably Grandpa enviously looking down at Hell filled with all the dead sexy side-burned bad guys from Mark Trail.

  7. Larry Fine
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    The last couple days of Spider-Man strips should disabuse anyone of the notion that Spider-Man spends most of his time watching TV.

  8. Stev0
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    What a maroon! Parker can’t even get the “wave them like you just don’t care” part right after the “throw your fists in the air”.

  9. pastordan, snark late shift
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#4): At first, I was sure that it was logical positivism. But then some dude told me about his cat, and now I’m in flux.

  10. brendancalling
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    FW: Ok, I get that the US postal service is having some problems, but Crazy’s gotta be vested in his federal pension. What’s with all the angst? It’s not like he’s gonna end up under a bridge subsisting on Friskies Buffet, no matter how much he deserves it.

    MT: It looks like Otto’s getting eaten. So awesome.

    FC: Billy better hope Santa doesn’t send Krampus out after him. That’s when shit gets REALLY ugly.

    Popeye: I like how Popeye realizes guns are for pussies.

  11. Nate
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    In panel three, the anglerfish (Pediculati Dagwoodus) opens its mouth wide. Note the lure visible deep in the predator’s throat. Backed into a corner and deprived of its normal source of sandwiches, the male will consume its mate. The female turns to flee, but it is too late.

  12. pugfuggly
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    FC “I mean, I’m pretty sure I got to all the witnesses, but how am I supposed to make sure St Nick don’t snitch?”

    ASM God, Peter’s one of those tools who yells out answers during Jeopardy, isn’t he? Ok, maybe reruns of Carmen Sandiego, but my point stands.

    Blondie Man, I was really hoping that panel 2 was going to show Blondie socking Dagwood in the stomach, then laughing hysterically.

  13. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    Frazz: very Calvinesque today.

    A&J: Buttons does recipies?!?

    HotC: wait, wasn’t that a topic of discussion a day or three back?

    Lio: *gigglez*

    LaCuc: run now, buddy, run now.

    Zits: Jeremy, Sarah, and good head. Somehow, I was expecting better from that combo.

    PMP: Lockhorns, Day One.

    RwO: guest-starring Satchel.

  14. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . I got nothin’.

  15. Doctor Handsome
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Billy, that’s the shittiest map of Maine ever. You’re lucky it’s impossible to be held back a grade when you’re homeschooled by loony fundamentalists.

  16. Doctor Handsome
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    “OK, Dag, now I want to see how the mistletoe might look. Hang yourself in the hallway.”

  17. Little Guy
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    ASM: I read that last panel as “….and nothing of interest was given a fuck today….”

    Luann: So, they can’t afford Luann to go to Julliard? Time to fall back on the safety school, Berklee.

  18. Little Blue Bicycle
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    FC: Billy’s concerns refer to the sharp pencil protruding from his book, or as he likes to call it, his “shiv.” Please also note that’s not his house, he’s wandering as he is wont to do from murder scene to murder scene.

  19. Little Guy
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#2), ASM: Peter Parker has FarkTV?

  20. Terry in Maryland
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    It’s interesting reading Mary Worth then Mark Trail today.

    In MW, we see a man on a pier overcoming his fear of the water solely based on his desire to be with a woman.

    In MT, we see a man about to be eaten by a shark after he’s fallen into the water.

    Run, Jim! Dawn is leading you astray! It IS dangerous there!

  21. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    SM: Next time my kids can’t find their shoes, I’m going to call the tv news stations under the assumption that it must be a klepto monkey. Sorry, Sweetie, your sweatshirt has been taken by a smooth criminal.

  22. pugfuggly
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    FW So it looks as though Crazy’s gone crazy. What’s the opposite of ironic?

    MT Hey….the shark, that hand, the mustache….I just had a great idea for a movie! It’s Jaws meets Deliverance meets Smokey and the Bandit. A small Ozarks town is terrorized by a backwoods shark and only a hot-rodding speedboater can bring him to justice….

  23. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    adorbable Brittany pup. (It’s their week on IHAH)

    Suess + Super Heroes = WIN.

    post-dinner nap attack.

    wow. thin day on the lol-sites. ah well.

  24. Ned Ryerson
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Love is…some sort of self-nutpunching version of masturbating to porn in the Dagwood position (i.e. he staring at the TV and she facing the other way).

  25. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#12): No, Peter Parker would yell out the questions while watching Jeopardy. What good is it when Alex Trebek says “This type of stone is created from cooling lava,” and Parker shouts out “THIS TYPE OF STONE IS CREATED FROM COOLING LAVA!”

    And I would peg Parker as the type of person who shouts out the wrong responses during Jeopardy and then gives a lame follow up when he’s proven incorrect.

    What is metamorphic.... oh, yeah, igneous rock. That’s what I meant.”

  26. McManx
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth — Oh, and Dawn just now noticed Jim has a new arm? Good thing Jim just wants to be friends now, cause she’s demonstrated that she really couldn’t give a shit.

    Mark Trail — From the fists o’ justice to the jaws o’ justice.

    Blondie — Oh Dagwood. Being stood in the corner while Blondie lights your tree is as close to sex as you’ve had in 70 years. Go for it.

    Nancy — Phil Fumble is a vestige from the old Fritzi Ritz comics. But in this modern rendition of the comic, the drawing styles don’t work. It makes it look like Fritzi was dating a 12 year old.

    Family Circus — Bell? Looks more like a mouse taking a shit.

  27. The Ghost of Jarrod
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    S4th – Ces, you are very good at lampshade-hanging. That is all.

    JP – God help me, I’m starting to miss Avery.

    “A” S-M – It’s a television, Spidey. The guy can’t hear you.

    ArgSweat – Pretty much, yeah.

  28. Doctor Handsome
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    “Tonight’s top story in Las Vegas: a B&E with nothing stolen. Amazing! Spectacular, even! Why, it’s practically web-slinging in its banality!”

  29. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    MT: After being such a polite kidnapper, Otto becomes a very polite shark attack victim by waving goodbye.

    I like to say “please”, “thank you” and “excuse me” when the situation demands, but if I fell off a boat and a nature-freak spent precious seconds trying to spank a shark instead of holding the oar out to me to get back on the boat, my final gesture would involve flagrant use of my middle finger.

  30. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    SM:
    TV reporter (shocked and amazed as the details of the crime-of-the-century unfold): So what happened?

    Home owner: I dunno, to get in there, this guy must have climbed my walls like Spiderman.

    TV reporter: So what was stolen?

    Home owner: Not much, but we can’t find the tv remote, if that’s any clue.

    Peter Parker: Yes! I made the news again!

  31. Chyron HR
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    “Nothing of any great value was taken!”
    YES!
    “…But the owners were brutally killed.”

  32. Lenoxus
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    AFAIK, the Circles don’t live in a city. Ergo, silver remains an unacceptable bell color.

  33. Marc
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    9CL- Brooke doesn’t seem to understand that cats and dogs don’t interbreed due to far bigger factors than breath.

    A3G- I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty disappointed that we didn’t get to see Margo’s staff meeting.

    Mark Trail- So instead of trying to help Otto back into the boat, Mark decides to try and scare the shark away by throwing his bucket of bait into the water. Mark must have been absent from avid environmentalist school the day they discussed Sharks because he is laboring under the impression that an offering of free food will offend them enough to make them leave the boat alone.

    Mary Worth- I don’t know what would be funnier right now than to have a seagul or pelican or something, swoop in, fly off with Jim’s new arm, and have his personality immediately revert back to the irrational, sister humping, psychopath he was before.

    Funky- Hyper-depressed Harry mind as well cue up some Beck.
    “Soy un perdedor. I’m a loser Funky… so why don’t you kill me.”

    Luann- There needs to be a day soley devoted to comic strip added to International Hate Week, with Luann as the headliner.

    Cranky- Today is edition# 43,320 of Crankshaft is an unrepentant asshole.

  34. Carl
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    That’s not a bell, that’s a trashbag full of Dolly parts.

  35. gleeb
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Lenoxus @ 32: Not living in the city, woldn’t they need some sort of distant warning? “Uh oh, it’s Christmastime in the city again. Look out for lost, possibly egg nogged and gloggy drivers on the suburban roads.”

  36. seismic-2
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Nancy: What’s the lag time on this strip? How long will it be before Aunt Fritzi is grooving on some Brubeck?

    Spidey: I love that first panel. As any great detective will tell you, the way to solve a crime is to put yourself in the criminal’s mind, and of course this break-in was committed by a chimp.

    Blondie: I like the notion of Dagwood as Dogwood. I look forward to his engaging in some evergreen cosplay and becoming a firry.

  37. pugfuggly
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#25):

    A valid point, but in reality I think Peter is just as likely likely just to yell out random commercial jingles at Jeopardy.

    “This port city was once the capital of the eastern roman empire…”
    “I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT! LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT! CHICKEN TONIGHT!”

  38. endless sky
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    MT: So the shark is actually eating Otto!? I would say “think of the children reading this strip” but no one reads the comics anymore except for jaded old folks like us.

    FW: Don’t get rid of the books, Crazy. They’re hard to recycle, and the authorities don’t want them in the landfill. You’ll need something to read during the empty hours of the rest of your life.

  39. Doctor Handsome
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    As part of Kraven’s nefarious scheme, he snuck a tiger into Peter’s room to leave diagonal scratch marks all over the flatscreen.

  40. Greg
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    FC: Using a sharpened pencil as a bookmark in “How To Make Your Own Shiv” is a start, but you really have to *use* it on a classmate, or preferably teacher, to get Satan’s attention, kid. Better luck next year.

    *looks again*

    OH. Santa. That makes more sense. I think.

  41. pastordan, snark late shift
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: I don’t know what’s more disturbing about Peter’s expression in panel two: that it might be like his o-face, or that it might be his o-face, Mary Jane obviously doing nothing for the little creep.

    Apt. 3-G: “Perhaps you’d like to read my business card, Greg?”

    Beetle Bailey: Try as I might, I can’t stop thinking about the logistics here. How long would it take to stuff Beetle in a garbage can? Would Lt. Not-Fuzz need to help? Why would you wait until after the event to suggest it? Wouldn’t Beetle know what was coming as soon as he said it? How old do you have to be to find this shit funny? I am perplexed.

    Dick Tracy: I really hope they get Quentin Tarantino to direct this movie.

    Gunnerkrigg Court: Jones finally has the chat that Luann’s parents have been putting off until their daughter’s old enough to flash her tits online. Perfect boyfriend, my ass.

    Today in Judge Parker: a rare appearance of the Lexus Boxy-3000, and Day 4 without Peaches. <Sigh.>

    Mark Trail: I love the shark’s expression. Okay, okay, Todd, this is your big break, don’t blow it now. Concentrate on going for the fake leg…concentrate…oh f@&*!! That’s not the fake leg at all!

    Mary Worth: Jim walks onto a pier and I says “I’m happy to be just friends.” And Dawn says:
    - You know the gay pier is down the road, right?
    - That’s good, because my head has been wrapped around a basketball.
    - Dammit, I just finished stitching up my Black Piranha outfit…
    - I just want to be friends with you, Jim. I didn’t say anything about your arm.
    - I know where you can find a house full of strippers.
    - Whew. For a minute there, I thought you’d forgotten all your sick fantasies about your dead sister.
    - I know where you can find a shark.
    - What is this, a joke?
    - Will you at least send me dirty texts?

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Like the rest of you, I’ve long since given up hope of a “creeping lesbianism” storyline and starting looking for the “creeping pot use” storyline. Is it too much to hope for a “Rex higher than a kite on Bubba’s pure-grade mountain blue” storyline?

  42. Doctor Handsome
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    “YES! A crime I didn’t even try to stop resulted in virtually no harm done! This is the closest I’ve come to a victory in years!”

  43. Ned Ryerson
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MT: Is there really any method for “scaring away” sharks? Would emptying a cup of water on a shark be such a method?

  44. Cloudbuster
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: You know, I totally can’t blame Brooke for sticking sword girl in an I Dream of Jeannie costume, because man, when I was a boy in the 70s … Barbara Eden *sigh*. But I can blame him for connecting my boyhood crush to squicky perverts. So
    1. Screw you, Brooke.
    2. Keep drawing Jeannie.

  45. TheDiva
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Blondie If Blondie puts on a creepy Santa mask and starts parading around a light-bedecked Dagwood, I’m leaving.

    SM: Wow, one of the most crime-ridden cities in the world and this is what makes the evening news? Gil Grissom is facepalming somewhere.

  46. Bill Peschel
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#18):

    Does the dotted line follow him from crime scene to crime scene? Is it a bloody trail? Because that would be AWESOME.

  47. Dood
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Is Peter’s jazz-hands sense tingling?

  48. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    MT: Quick, Mark! Piss in the water!

  49. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#48): No, Mark. Not your water bottle.

  50. Binder's Butter Beans
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    MW: Josh! How could you not mention Jim’s new arm? HOLY CRAP JIM’S ARM GREW BACK. And he’s suddenly well-adjusted and untraumatized! ‘Tis an Alvistide miracle!

  51. TheDiva
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Lousy markup fail…anyway:

    9CL: And Brooke somehow manages to avoid interspecies furry porn…for now.

    C’shaft: Why does she keep him employed, again?

    FW: Protip to Crazy Harry: that kind of hair flip and a bald spot do not mix.

    Luann: No chance of relationship progression whatsoever? They’re the perfect Luann couple!

    MW: In panel two, the role of Dawn will be played by a chimpanzee wearing a wig and lipstick.

  52. Downpuppy
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    How the hell are Honey and June going to make a banana smoothie without a hammer?

  53. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Nothing was taken, so Peter can have the rush of foiling a crime without leaving his hotel room. It’s the perfect system.

  54. Cloudbuster
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Girls With Slingshots: I was shocked to discover that a Google image search of “magical sweater puppies” is NSFW!

  55. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    MT: Good evening fri-eeeeee-nds!

    MW: Dawn’s “Yes!” thought balloon is due to the fact that she has her phone in her pocket, on vibrate.

    C-Shaft: Be less of a dick to alleged friends? DOES NOT COMPUTE!

    SL: I guess the shark-bait widow isn’t ready to date yet.

    Garfield: At this point the fact that Jon doesn’t leave donuts and the like in a padlocked cupboard says volumes about him. Mainly that he’d rather have a fat, sluggish cat than snacks.

    GA: Why have we never met any of Boog’s large, hairy gay friends? It would certainly make the town look more interesting.

    H&L: Obviously Lois’ coulrophobia is setting a bad example for the kids. A better response to Dr. Clown would be to point out that the burger painted on the window has a solid black patty. There’s a difference between well-done and burnt through.

    DT: If these two are going to get married in full superhero regalia, I’m pretty sure they’ll be an improvement on Les and Lisa.

    GT: Okay, so it was supposed to be a bad call. You never expect the sports in Gil Thorp to make sense, but I guess once in a blue moon…

    DtM: Ladies be givin’ directions, amirite?

    SSmith: Okay, that sack hanging from the edge of the pool table makes me just a li-i-ittle uncomfortable.

    H-Cliff: “It must have been while he was kissing me.”

    Marvin: This week Marvin becomes a douchebag with slicked-back hair about eighteen years sooner than you’d expect.

  56. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#235): FW: The male characters with facial hair are all faux-intellectual douchebags, and the male characters who are clean-shaven are all mopey losers. I’m way too lazy to look up a picture of Batiuk, but I’m going to guess he has half a moustache and a beard on one side.

    An asymmetrical beard. Didn’t Larry Niven (or somebody like that) write a series about a guy like that? Nevermind. That’s good enough. I won’t jinx it for you but that’s something or another of something or another of the week good.

  57. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#44): I was more of an Elizabeth Montgomery boy. She didn’t have the skimpy costume, but her nose-twitch did more for me than Jeannie’s combination crossed arms/blink. To each his own.

  58. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#27): No shame in missing Avery. He was the most interesting JP character in a long time — if not all time. He was passionate, quirky, and not a little brave. One actually cares about him and whether he will attain his goals — or be hacked to pieces with a chainsaw. For him, wealth is a means to some other end. And now he is gone, and we’re left with the Parker-Drivers for whom wealth is an end in itself, who are passionate about nothing, and whose only quirk is the ability to not have quirks. Let us all tip our caps to Avery. We hardly knew ye.

    @Marc (#33):

    …and have his personality immediately revert back to the irrational, sister humping, psychopath he was before.

    Harvey Dent : Two-Face :: Jim : One-Arm?

    I like the idea. Perhaps Dawn can become his sidekick, Skunk-Head.

  59. Uncle Lumpy
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#58):

    Perhaps Dawn can become his sidekick, Skunk-Head.

    She’ll have to answer to Funky Winkerbean‘s Comic John, and his mopey band of intellectual-property lawyers.

  60. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, snark late shift (#41):

    Dick Tracy: I really hope they get Quentin Tarantino to direct this movie.

    I wonder who would play Cinnamon Knight. Samuel L Jackson might be a little too long-in-the-tooth.

  61. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#59): I wouldn’t worry about it. Any Funkyverse lawyer is bound to have his filings lost in the mail and the judge rule against them with prejudice.

  62. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Cuss Skunk and Skunk-Head walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here!”

    Cuss Skunk says, “#@$%*!”
    Skunk-Head says, “Dave used to say that to me. {sigh}”

  63. Illustrator Steve
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    MY – Oh…LOOK, Otto waves bye-bye. Okay, kiddies, everybody wave bye-bye back at Otto! Bye-bye Otto!

  64. Discordian
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    This may reveal more about myself and my relationship with cartoon breasts than I’d like, but how the hell did Blondie get her left elbow in front of her quite ginormous bosom in that first panel? Or did she have a third hand implanted on her chest that reaches up to physically keep her face straight when she makes particularly degrading requests of Dagwood so that her maniacal grin won’t give away that this is her only true source of pleasure?

  65. towels
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    We are getting close to the point where Mark Trail is going to be doing some shark punching, right?

  66. bats :[
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#51): re MW: yes, it seems that Dawn’s ancestral um, ancestry, does return every few weeks or so (that’s also the case with Mary, in those times when her eyes aren’t trying to escape from her face).

    But what else could be happening on that very happenin’ pier?

  67. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    MT: I’m not convinced Otto’s going to die. I think he’ll lose a leg or foot to the sharks, but Mark will haul him out and stanch the bleeding, and Otto will be so grateful that he’ll refuse the ransom when Bill Ellis returns for Mark.

  68. Anonymous
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    SM — In another breaking “Eyewitness News” story, a fully-loaded Boeing 747 with 372 people on board made a safe landing at McCarran International Airport today.

  69. AhClem
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#68): T’was me. Damn cookies.

  70. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    3G – Go on, Greg. Answer her questions. Then she’ll answer your question, and then you can tell her the big news, and then the plot can advance. (Just kidding about that last part!)

    Blondie – It might be interesting to hang lights on Blondie, but if she puts her arms over her head, she’ll lose what balance she has and topple like a redwood with a root blight.

    Smirky – Sorry, Crazy. There’s a price a bookseller can get for a book when you want to buy it, and there’s a price a bookseller will give you for a book when you want to sell it. There’s something like an order of magnitude between the two prices, and I’ll let you guess which is the big one.

  71. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    HägarPizza in Italy! And when he goes to China, he can have a big bowl of Chop Suey and then head to Mexico for an Enchirito and a Crunchy Gordita, with an Apple Grande for dessert. [*]

    love is… …when the masses rise up and overthrow the bourgeoisie, after the game’s over. Right on!!

    Mark – “But I tried to save him! I really did!”
    “Tell it to the judge, Trail! That’s him over there — Otto’s brother.”

    Mary – Jim’s steered the conversation around to “friends.” Now they can talk “benefits.”

  72. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Momma – Ha ha! Old people forget things. Like my mom, who had basically lost every bit of her mind by the time she died. Oh, what merriment this strip inspires.

    R=RAuww, ittz moar gawd-damm funnettik spelleeng hyoomer. Barph. [*]

    Spider-Man – “Once again, whoever broke into the mansion stole only bananas, peanuts, and a red rubber ball. Police are baffled, and the man in the yellow hat has no comment.”

  73. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#y292): So should I hold on to my Bruce Bairnsfather collection?
    Either that, or just send it to me. If you knows a better option, ‘op to it.

    @pastordan, snark late shift (#y296): Forgiven, of course. It’s just that it’s happened a bunch of times lately, and I’m starting to feel unnoticed. And ‘not so fresh,’ but that’s sort of a side issue.

    @seismic-2 (#36): How long will it be before Aunt Fritzi is grooving on some Brubeck?
    You have just succeeded in making the worst news I’ve had all week even worse. Now I’m praying that the world really will end on December 21.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#56): I was just advising somebody to consider asymmetric facial hair arrangement a couple of days ago. I used to have it myself — in my early 20s, there was a bit of my face where it didn’t grow, so I only connected my mustache to my beard on one side. In the couple of years it was like that, it was only noticed one time.

  74. Mikey
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    If I remember correctly, what Peter Parker is doing in panel three is referred to in theatrical circles as “milking the giant cow.”

  75. Percival Dunwoody
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    ASM: The reason nothing of value was stolen is “the suburban mansion” appears to be the one belonging to Homer Simpson, and he doesn’t have anything of value.

  76. seismic-2
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#59): And of course comic-book John is married to bandleader Becky, so that would be two teams consisting of one-armed folk with skunk-headed companions. Put both teams together for a new comic-book series, the Fantastic Four with Enough Arms for Three! The first issue should be such a sought-after collectible that Crazy Harry might be able to sell it for as much as 50 cents, eventually.

  77. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Is it just me, or does Crazy seem to be getting rid of mostly good stuff, and keeping mostly lame stuff, regardless of monetary value? I suppose this cements his status as a Battyverse Character In Good Standing, if nothing else.

  78. terrapin
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    MT: So, what are the rules of competitive bone fishing? Does Mark win? Is he now “King of the Island”?

    Luann: “Wallet cramp! Wa… Oh! I’m sorry, Luann. Your happiness means everything to me.” Nice parenting there, asshole!

  79. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#74): It doesn’t surprise me that Peter Parker is into improv.

  80. Santa Royale With Cheese
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    S-M: And the big reveal: (Spoiler alert) It was an exact replica of the what’s-it’s-name tiara! Dun dun DUNNNNNN /doesn’t care anymore, just like this strip

  81. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    FW: Can we get past this stupid fuckery concerning Crazy’s books?

    MW: This is even dumber than those old “after-school specials” where all their problems were solved in 30 minutes.

    Retail: Looks like our bright-eyed bushy-tailed boy is getting quite an education!

    RMMD: Honey has quite the 6-pack there in panel 3…….!!

  82. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    RMMD-I know a woman can help Delores. Would mind taking a side trip to Santa Royale and visiting Mary Worth?

    MW-Yes. With Jim as a friend Dawn is able to go after Wilbur.

    MW 2-Small children no longer run in fear because Jim has one arm.

    MW 3-Yes. Now I don’t have to worry about Jim’s feelings for me really be incestuous feelings for his dead sister.

    Spiderman-”I love it when the tv vindicates my comments.”

    FC-Pay back for that time I got the crap beaten out of me.

    FW-Harry I will pay you fifty cents for the entire lot. Since you aren’t getting money any other way you will be forced to take my fifty cents.

    MT-”Damn you, ocean. You will not take the man who tried to kill me.”

  83. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#199):

    Ah, okay…perhaps ol’ Burgess was a fan of Old School Dick Tracy. Or Bob Kane was.

  84. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    “…there was a bit of my face where it didn’t grow, so I only connected my mustache to my beard on one side”

    You are a brave man. You should be pointed out to children as an exemplar.

  85. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    @terrapin (#78): If think the rule is if you kill the King of the Kidnappers, you become King of the Kidnappers. Things will take a turn for the awkward when the ransom is delayed and Mark has to chop off his own fingers to show Bill Ellis, as well as his newfound crew of cutthroats, that he means business.

  86. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    FC-Billy is also the fill in artist for “Mark Trail” and was drawing the ending of the current story. After the sharks are done with him there will enough left to fill a trash bag.

  87. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Lupin The 3.1415926th (#83): In general, Kane and writer Bill Finger did take a cue from Dick Tracy in building Batman’s rogue’s gallery. They leaned heavily on physical/moral grotesques (Penguin, Joker, Two-Face) with the occasional femme fatale (Catwoman) and mad scientist (Hugo Strange) thrown in for variety.

  88. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-Quick call Slylock Fox. The Las Vegs police are baffled as to how someone broke into a home and went to the second floor of the house.

    Spiderman 2-Even more baffling is that this house doesn’t even have a second floor. This house behind me isn’t the one broken into. I just like to stand in front of random houses during my newscast.

    Spiderman 3-That’s right, Mr. Peter Parker from New York City whose skinflint of a boss is too cheap to pay for a decent hotel room for you forcing you to use your Spiderman powers to break into people’s homes each night.

  89. SF_Reader
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    MW – “Yeah Dawn, let’s just be friends! Now that I have 2 arms, I’m no longer desperate. In fact, you’ll see, I’m getting an attractive girlfriend.”

  90. pastordan, is not aware of all internet conventions
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#85): King of Kidnappers? I thought Mark was trying out for the Dread Pirate Roberts!

  91. John C
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    GT: That call is beyond horrible. The only call that could possibly make sense in that situation is hitting a defenseless receiver. I think the ref has money on the game and betting on Thorp blowing another chance of winning a conference championship, which is usually a safe bet.

    FC: Today, Billy was showing Jeffy for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee! He better hope Santa wasn’t watching, or else Billy won’t be able to rake in Jeffy’s stash.

  92. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

  93. Calico
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#63):
    “Say goodbye to Grampa! Bye bye Grandpa!”

  94. Calico
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Why is it that I can find almost any response to the comics by making a Sopranos reference? I guess the comics are really mostly dark humor…

    “I feel less guarded, but I also feel like that seagull would like to take a dump on my new prosthetic!”

  95. Ned Ryerson
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    FW/’Shaft: Crazy’s comic books are the new Beatles Mono Box Set. (Stereo vinyl box out now…harder to stuff in a stocking but just as much fun to fetishize!)

  96. Calico
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#44):
    For example:
    Heh, even back in the day I had bisexual crushes.
    1. Russell Johnson (Professor on Gilligan’s Island)
    2. Lindsay Wagner (The Bionic Woman)
    Ms. Eden was hot, but no crush.

  97. un malpaso
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Boy… I know this isn’t news to any of us, but Peter Parker really, REALLY takes the award for “most useless superhero” in every possible way.

    Imagine, say, Batman watching the TV news in his Bat-cave.
    “This just in: an armed criminal gang has taken over downtown Gotham. So far, nobody has been injured, and no major crimes have been committed…”

    Batman: “ALLRIIIIGHT! No injuries, and no MAJOR crimes! That’s what I like to hear! Time to crack open another bag of Cheetos and catch up with “New Girl” on the DVR!” *Fist pump, to nobody*

  98. greghousesgf
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    i wouldn’t have minded getting books for Xmas at all, even when I was Billy’s age, but then, unlike Billy, I’m actually intelligent.

  99. Calico
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    *for example is in the wrong line*
    Haha, I type like a one-armed band leader!

  100. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

  101. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @un malpaso (#97): Or like the Phantom receiving word through the jungle telegraph that a Chatu has escaped, but so far, hasn’t committed any new crimes … tho’ I wonder, what’s “fist-pump” in the Bandar tongue?

  102. seismic-2
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    MW: There’s something in Jim’s eyes and body language in Panel One that says, well, psycho. “Dawn, if you just want us to be friends, I respect that, and I accept it! I just hope that in time our friendship may deepen, and you will eventually be willing to become my sister!!! I just hope for both our sakes that you can float better than she did. Let’s find out!”

  103. Dood
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: The lesson here, for Rusty, is that he’s extremely fortunate to have never actually gone fishing with Mark.

  104. Midtown
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#98): Billy could improve his mind by reading some classic science fiction books. I know where the Keanes could get some dirt cheap.

  105. Ned Ryerson
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    FC: You know, using a pencil as a book mark puts extra stress on the binding*, Billy. Santa might not be watching, but the librarian sees all! (And don’t even think about turning down the corner of the pages, ya little creep!)

    *It also looks dangerous. I still have a small blob of graphite embedded in my outer ear from a careless pencil wielding incident in the 8th grade.

  106. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#98): Glad to hear it. My 9 year old son is getting a large number of “Great Illustrated Classics” to add to his collection.

    However, his Christian private-school teachers are taking me to task for introducing HG Wells and Jules Verne (among others) when all the other students are reading Mary Pope Osborne books. It ought to be really fun when the kid makes it to middle school and I introduce him to Nathaniel Hawthorne and Shirley Jackson. Maybe I should introduce the 7yo daughter to Judy Blume :)

  107. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#45): SM: At least the networks didn’t mention the thwarted purse snatching incident. That would have sent Parker over the edge.

  108. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    A3G: At first I was going to mock on A3G for “the honor of an actual appointment”, since Greg and Margo live next door to each other and have met constantly. Then I realized that this actually is the only time that Greg has actually made an appointment, and not just barged in on Margo. So, true.

    But Greg was told that Skyler “was advised” to leave Margo’s agency, not that she was dropped. So continuity be darned, but there is an actual plotline with intrigue, insomuch as A3G has ever had. Mysterious motives, duplicitous behavior, and the dramatic irony that is occurring to Margo. You have to admit, this is A3G at its glacial, wooden best.

  109. Hibbleton
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @jimbo (#5):

    He’s probably too busy punching Marvin.

  110. terrapin
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#85): Haha! I can see Mark doing that!

  111. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    I think this FC caption would work better in those panels where Billy came home beaten and dissheveled. That would be funny. Billy comes in with a schoolbook and some farty artwork for Mom. That scene doesn’t evoke a sense that something illicit just happened, except that Billy learned the theory of evolution.

  112. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    How old is Billy… and he’s still not as tall as the doorknob?

  113. terrapin
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    FC: This Christmas, Billy finds a lump of coal in his stocking with a note attached reading “What part of ‘sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake’ did you not understand, dumbass?” Sincerely, Santa.

  114. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    ASM: I just love today’s after Peter’s petulance yesterday. What a crazy person.

    But did they consider that the thieves broke in and stole everything, replacing everything with an exact replica?

    Maybe they left a note behind the locked front door: “If we really want to break in, we will.”

  115. hogenmogen
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Dagwood: Hold it! If you’re going to make me stand in a corner and string me up, put the dog out first! And wear your Sexy Santa helper outfit.

  116. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Blondie-Remember, Blondie, if you are going to kill Dagwood make it look like an accident.

  117. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#114): Or they could Manson Family holdouts out on a creepy crawl.

  118. Snarkotix Addict
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    MW – Excellent! Jim’s all better now. And Dawn is making progress, too, showing she can be supportive and sympathetic to a man missing an arm. Let’s see if she can do the same for an arm missing a man when Otto’s arm washes up at the pier next week.

  119. bats :[
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#69): Yow! Glad we’ll be driving to Vegas in a couple of weeks — I sure hope we can get tix to “Kraven on Ice,” or whatever the hell the show he does is. No, I am NOT packing my tiara this trip.

  120. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Bliss: A canny recreation of Harlan Ellison’s social endeavors at th3 1973 World Science Fiction Convention, but I think it might be too insider-y.

    Pluggers: Pluggers’ depressed indifference toward life extends to basic food preparation.

  121. Hibbleton
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: I’m getting mixed signals. Honey (Hank?) has an awesome rack yet a fully-ripped six pack. Although if her pants slip down any lower, that’ll answer that question.

  122. Calico
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#2):
    Re: FC – like I mentioned a few days ago, Krampus is coming – tonight, I think!
    Run, Billy! Hide! Grab Daddy’s tire iron!

  123. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#118):

    Let’s see if she can do the same for an arm missing a man when Otto’s arm washes up at the pier next week.

    You mean that Dawn will play a role in Nicholson Baker’s House of Holes? Um, ewwwwww.

  124. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#119): You have a tiara? You must have Sheldon for a boyfriend.

  125. Baka Gaijin
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#36) on Blondie: COTW-worthy!

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#55) on Hi and Lois: NO SHE’S NOT!!! The only thing to take from a clown is its life, preferably in a pulverizing blood-spattering manner.

    @Ned Ryerson (#105): “Careless Pencil Wielding Incident,” a Sheldon Cooper childhood trauma.

    @bats :[ (#119): Kraven on Ice, co-starring Mary Lou Retton as flexible sexxxy showgirl.

    @Calico (#122): I’m locking the windows, just in case. I’m out of Krampas’ service area, better safe than sorry, all that. On the other hand, the foil-wrapped chocolate Krampases are divine. I like to make the foil-wrapped St. Nick and Krampas fight. Now I feel like Ted Forth remembering his childhood.

  126. Ned Ryerson
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#123): Hey, didn’t the arm from House of Holes belong to a guy named Dave? Hmmmmm (and also ewwwwww).

  127. bats :[
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#120): re Bliss: was this Ellison anecdote actually pinned down to that convention?

  128. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#106):

    It ought to be really fun when the kid makes it to middle school and I introduce him to Nathaniel Hawthorne and Shirley Jackson.

    I suddenly have much more hope for the upcoming generation. Or at least the portion of it that you’re raising.

  129. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#127): Not really, but there are multiple anecdotes so I figured I was safe.

  130. tallyHO
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @McManx (#26):

    On Nancy, you said it. The dude looks like he could be one of Nancy’s School Chums.

    @hogenmogen (#29):
    Otto becomes a very polite shark attack victim by waving goodbye.
    If this were a lame sitcom, that would be the cue for a montage set to music. A flashback of the times we spent with Otto: kidnapping, leaving Mark to run the island, returning from somewhere, challenging Mark to a Fishing Duel of Death. That’s pretty much it, right?

  131. Mr Frog
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    At first, I was outraged at this post’s insinuation that getting books for Christmas represents a comparable level of disappointment to getting socks.

    Then I realised it was talking about Billy, who’s about as likely to use a book as facial tissue as he is to attempt to read it, and invariably fails at the latter anyway.

  132. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#130):

    That’s pretty much it, right?

    Not quite. A lame sitcom montage isn’t properly lame without the addition of clips that never appeared on the show in the first place, e.g., that character engaging generic “everyday” activities (while laughing), that character with others doing some group activity (while laughing), or obviously new footage depicting allegedly old times with obvious continuity errors and anachronisms — so just throw in a few clips of Otto running slow motion through the surf, playing Scrabble with Mark and Andy, or going fishing with Rusty and you’re good to go.

  133. Shrug, or Possibly a Bowl of Petunias
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#y190):

    “MW- “I don’t know anything, yet here I am!”- this has got to be the basis for some school of philosophy.”

    Sounds like a pretty good summation of the philosophy of the falling whale in HITCHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY.

    “It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. But since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought as it fell: ‘Ahhh! Whoa! What’s happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life? What do I mean by ‘who am I’? Okay, okay, calm down, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? It’s a sort of a tingling in my… well, I suppose I better start finding names for things. Let’s call it a… tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what’s this roaring sound, whooshing past what I’m suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do. Yeah, this is really exciting! I’m dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There’s an awful lot of that now, isn’t it? And what’s this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like ‘Ow’, ‘Ownge’, ‘Round’, ‘Ground’! That’s it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it’ll be friends with me? Hello Ground!’ … Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell, was: ‘Oh no, not again.’ Many have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that, we should know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.”

  134. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#132): If you want a scene that never happened, how about the conjugal visit from Cherry?

  135. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#134): We’ll save that one for Cherry’s montage. It’ll be a sequence of all the dudes she’s banged (none of whom are Mark) set to Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.”

  136. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#126): Yep. (“Dave’s arm used to sex me up . . . sigh. . . .”) That’s about all I know about the novel, though; I’m usually a Nicholson Baker fan, but I found that one unreadable.

  137. Austria
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    H&L: The kids’ happy faces in the first panel aren’t from the fact that he’s a clown. They’re happy because they might finally, finally have a chance to be happy for once. “Yes,” they think to themselves, “a Smiley Meal is just the ticket. Please, Mr. Clown, please free us from this sheltered, joyless life.” In the second panel, their faces fall from their mother’s reaction. “We were so close this time,” they think, their normal resignation bittered by just how close they came to happiness, only to have it snatched away once again.

  138. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#128): Thanks. I was raised on Poe and Thurber, myself. That was the result of (1) my mom being an English teacher, (2) my aunt being a librarian, and (3) my father liking good books in general. I get books every Christmas — FC Billy should be so lucky.

    It is my opinion that a kid’s most favorite possessions should be a library card and a screwdriver. I’m willing to modify that for some decent skill in Google-fu.

  139. tallyHO
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#102):

    That’s the thing.
    In each panel, each character is sporting a crazy-eyed look.
    For Dawn in panel two, it might’ve been tough to draw her face at that angle, looking down on the scene. But, in panel one, Jim looks coo-coo-karazy!

    I kind of hope he has a robotic arm…a bionic one, I guess. That would interesting to see. And, I don’t mean for funny reasons. The guy has a new arm and he should be able to use it somehow. If it is there for cosmetic reasons, that would be a shame.

    Though, if he does go into fits of rage and starts flipping VW Beetles on the city streets, that’d be cool, too. Mind you, I wouldn’t complain he just starts bionic flipping everything, even the bird.

    Then if they up the ante by giving Wilbur a bionic mouth for those ungodly eating contests and those unethical, oversized foods that go for the World’s Records; and, if they give Mary a bionic nose–that does something powerful when she sticks into others’ business–that might just solve the lameness of this strip.

    Bionics!

  140. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#138): Because many school systems are turning to non-fiction texts for students, I’m glad you’re helping to keep their little noses in fiction. (It makes me very, very sad to think of kids not learning to appreciate stories.)

  141. Shrug, Looking Forward to a FreshWoman
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#17):

    Horrible sudden thought. LuAnn is soon going to float the prospect of going to a college in Australia, isn’t she?

    (Of course, she won’t be allowed to do so, not so much for the expense or the lack of supervisability, but because the dynamics of the strip require that all of the h.s. graduating class wind up in the same local junior college, so all of the lo-jinks* can continue.)

    *This strip doesn’t run to hi-jinks.

  142. Dale
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    MOPEY-SPIDER

    If I had a suburban mansion,
    it would have more than a 1.5 car garage, a sidewalk from the driveway to the front door,
    and be a lot farther from the nearest house (ideally, far enough that the neighbors couldn’t hear gunshots and screams coming from my basement).

  143. Evil Shrug, From the Mirror Universe
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#22):

    “What’s the opposite of ironic?”

    Cinori.

    // Pass interference!!

  144. tallyHO
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#132):

    True. True.

    I wish there was a very appropriate song that fit an Otto montage though.

    Some melancholy pop-song version of “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean”? Performed by The Aqua Bats? *

    *I think both of those 2 references are real and not made up or misinterpreted variations of the original’s names. the author of this comment makes no claim to properly represent the best interests of making sense when ridiculing Mark Trail, Mark Trail Enterprises, or any representatives of punching with a purpose.

  145. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#140): I read somewhere that both Watterson and Breathed both got their start, not in comics, but in reading books and newspapers.

  146. KreatureFeatures
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#118):

    Let’s see if she can do the same for an arm missing a man

    That would be sweet. Also good would be Otto losing an arm but surviving the shark attack … and ending up in Dawn’s hospital! Dawn and Otto could meet in the cafeteria, take fear-filled pier walks, and shared dry lime sodas until Otto’s bionic arm arrives. Eventually he returns to a life of botched kidnappings.

  147. tallyHO
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#140):

    That’s risky, isn’t it?

    Exposing students to ideas –by having them read more non-fiction– is great!
    But, there’s no “safe” alternative to Mark Twain. There’s no revisionist Faulkner.

    I guess non-fiction could be all facts but one person’s fact can be another person’s fiction, in part or entirely. So, even if we are talking about biographies or histories or essays and meditations when it comes to curriculum making, that can get twisted quick. Fiction is already twisted, for the better.

    Oh well. I’ll reserve judgement until I hear something bad about this supposed trend… Unless someone already knows of examples already being practiced?

  148. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, or Possibly a Bowl of Petunias (#133): Thank you. It is good to be reminded of that.

  149. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

  150. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#67):

    Otto is going to lose an arm, dye his hair blonde, and change his name to Jim.

  151. Baka Gaijin
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    To understand Jim’s change of life outlook, look closely at the underside of his new arm. You’ll note the “Onanism Industries, Model 3937 with Patented Wank Off Action” notation.

  152. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#113):

    Coal really? I would wager he finds a lump of shit in his stocking.

  153. Dagger
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    Police have no clue how the thief gained entrance to the upper floor of this suburban mansion, because they have not heard of a newfangled invention called “the ladder.”

  154. Shrug, the Happy Huckster
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#82):

    “FW-Harry I will pay you fifty cents for the entire lot.”

    That’s fifty cents in store credit, of course. Half that if you want cash.

  155. Baka Gaijin
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#150): [sigh] “Dave always metamorphosed into Jim. Life is brutal.”

  156. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#140): Because many school systems are turning to non-fiction texts for students, I’m glad you’re helping to keep their little noses in fiction.

    I wonder — half seriously — if anyone who wants to run a school system should, automatically, be disqualified. No sane person should want that job. Maybe it ought to be like the old military draft. A civic duty. We got some pretty darn good soldiers from conscripts, after all. Sure, you’re not qualified. Nobody is. Do the best you can.

  157. Poteet
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#149): Oh yeah, that’s a great idea, that is. A fine way to accelerate the general decline in reading for pleasure.

  158. Shrug, Tripping Over Small Molehills with a Single Bound
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @un malpaso (#97):

    “Boy… I know this isn’t news to any of us, but Peter Parker really, REALLY takes the award for “most useless superhero” in every possible way. ”

    Yeah. Forbush-Man, Ambush Bug, and Ma Hunkel are circulating a petition to have his SuperHero License revoked; he’s lowering the tone for all of them. Paste-Pot Pete refused his offer to be an arch-enemy. And The Inferior Five won’t even return his calls.

  159. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    9CL – In a first for this comic, two characters interacted with each other without ending up intertwined on the floor in flagrante.

    So, all of you who bet that dogs and cats would be living together in sin before such a thing was possible for this comic have lost the bet – twice.

  160. Uncle Lumpy
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#144):

    I wish there was a very appropriate song that fit an Otto montage though.

    “Those Were the Days, Old Chum”

  161. Cloudbuster
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#57): Hey, I won’t say anything against Samantha Stevens! She and Morticia Addams were the original MILFs!

  162. Uncle Lumpy
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    You know, Spider-Man and Slylock Fox “solve” “crimes” in essentially the same way: show up, look around, make up some B.S. about how it happened, and challenge readers to call them on it. It’s the relative maturity and sophistication of Slylock Fox readers that sets that bar so much higher.

  163. Shrug, Who Never Did Get the Lead Out
    December 6th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#105):

    “Santa might not be watching, but the librarian sees all! (And don’t even think about turning down the corner of the pages, ya little creep!)”

    /// Shout it out, brother! Word!

    *It also looks dangerous. I still have a small blob of graphite embedded in my outer ear from a careless pencil wielding incident in the 8th grade.”

    /// I have a comparable graphite blob in the palm of my left hand, for the same reason and at about the same age. Maybe we really ARE brothers?

    //// If only I’d been lucky enough to be one-armed like all those comic strip characters, the pencil might have missed.

  164. Mikey
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    I have a different take on MT. I think that Mark is actually using an oar to “scare” the sharks away. The coloring people just missed it. So by using an oar to “scare” away the sharks, he’s essentially slapping the water and thrashing water about, sort of like an injured fish. Mark’s probably testing this shark “scaring” method on Otto only to see if he can use it when he actually has to take Rusty fishing.

  165. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#162): that, and Cassie looks better in a bikini than MJ does.

    by a whisker.

  166. Shrug, Citing It APA-style
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#148):

    Yes, that’s possibly my favorite single moment in HITCHIKER’S GUIDE. In its honor, I used to publish an apazine called FALLING WHALE FUNNIES.

  167. Shrug, Contemplating Dagwood Wood
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    BLONDIE finally gives us the long-awaited cosplay scene between River-Daughter Goldberry and Treebeard the Ent.

    // Background music: “It Ent Necessarily So, (Boom-Chicka-Boom).”

  168. Allen
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Actually Peter, you were only partially right. He said “nothing of GREAT value was stolen”, he didn’t say “nothing of ANY value was stolen”. Time to take your celebrating down a notch you insufferable twit.

  169. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#162): You know, you never see Spider-Man and Slylock Fox together. Hmmm…

    //MJ digs the fox costume. She’s got a cat costume of her own. It’s really tough squeezing Aunt May in the mouse costume.

  170. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    MW-Jim’s new arm is great. Soon he will be masturbating at an eight grade level.

    Beetle Bailey-Do I get the feeling that they are going to update “Beetle Bailey” to be more modern in an effort to attract younger readers?

    Gasoline Alley-Sounds like this kid has a thing for older hairy homosexuals.

    Hi and Lois-Like she said she doesn’t take nutritional advice from clowns.

    Lockhorns-The invitation said clothing optional.

  171. Hibbleton
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    I was just over on gocomics reading the Luann comments. How depressing. It even takes the fun out of Trail’s palindromic friend getting eaten by a shark.

  172. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#171): I just read some of the comments. One of our own got mentioned.

    Heh. If they only knew what ALMOST was going on…
    .
    (Or if they knew about Luann’s near-date-rape experience with wossname – the Spanish exchange student.)

    An accident? hmmmm…

  173. Calico
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    SM – behold the asshole celebrating a non-climactic moment. So typical.

  174. Calico
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#160):
    Hahaha! Yum, that Chum.

  175. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone noticed that Wikipedia’s cover article is on Ace books? When I was a kid Ace doubles were like my most favorite things in the world. Ok, since then I’ve discovered sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll, but still, it’s right up at the top.

  176. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#175): Ah, yes. Ace Books. I remember them well.

    Do you notice they also have a picture of Cuss Skunk underneath the Ace article?

  177. tallyHO
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#149):

    Okay. I guess it seemed like this was going to be for Language Arts credits. Is that the case? Or, is the idea to up the non-textbook reading in social studies coursework for 7-12 grades?

  178. tallyHO
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#169):

    That’s because Slylock would kick Spider-Man’s ass.

    And Parker knows it!

  179. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#176): Mephitus suffocans. If I ever need a new ‘nym.

  180. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#178): Not only that, but the Slylockiverse’s “Johnny Human” laws make animal-human hybrids such as Peter Parker legally anathema.

  181. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#178): Slylock would sneak up behind Spider-Man use his magnifying glass to give Spider-Man the hot foot.

    //That Slylock can be such a prankster.

  182. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#180): Help me, Count Weirdly, you’re my only hope!

  183. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#179): Well, I hope you’re feeling better soon.

  184. msp
    December 6th, 2012 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    That Family Circus is going to have a resurgence when it becomes a Facebook status in the coming years.

  185. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#183): Thank you. As a matter of fact, I’ve been slammed down pretty hard by a cold for the last week or so. Didn’t want to mention it though, because if I died, it would seem a little morbid, and I’d hate to lay a bad trip on folks. I’m better now.

  186. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#185): Uncle Lumpy: Please delete. That is just too… I’m taking some aspirin. Everybody ignore me.

  187. Poteet
    December 6th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#186): Awww. You need a song. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

  188. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#187): We’re talking Nehemiah Scudder, Penny Poteet. You need to give him the Wikipedia facts!

  189. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#187): Oh! c’mon, that’s just cruel! Serious, I’m really not feeling well, I’m going to bed now, or maybe look for some Indian pron.

  190. endless sky
    December 6th, 2012 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#185): Hope you will soon be back to your snarkable self. (Beware of stalkers bearing chicken soup)

    I hope all who post here regularly have designated someone to send a note in case of death or incapacity. I wonder about folks who post for awhile and then just disappear (maybe they reincarnate under another name?) We never know if they died, or just got a life.

  191. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 6th, 2012 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    beautiful nym

  192. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-”Yes. They don’t consider the stuff I stole to pin on Kraven any great value.”

  193. Droopy Says
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#169): Of course you never see Slylock Fox and Spiderman together. Slylock Fox doesn’t watch TV.

  194. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#170):

    A very COTW worthy MW comment!

  195. wossname
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#Y229): Well, my Zap Comix #0 does have the 35 cent cover price, but it doesn’t have page numbers, so it would be $100 on that chart. I couldn’t figure out if their prices referred to mint condition or less. It’s not in great shape – pages are yellowed and the cover’s a bit crumbled around the edges. I think I might as well keep it and continue to enjoy “Sewer snoids! Yow! Those fuckers make me paranoid!” in my golden years.

  196. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#193): True dat. Also Spider-Man doesn’t solve crimes, he reacts to them (kind of).

  197. Downpuppy
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

  198. wossname
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#172):

    (Or if they knew about Luann’s near-date-rape experience with wossname – the Spanish exchange student.)

    WHAT?? WHAT??? *sputters* I hardly know where to begin to deny this base canard! First of all, I’ve never been anywhere near the Luanniverse. Second, I don’t even speak Spanish. Third, I’m a girl. Fourth, if I were going to near-date-rape anybody, it sure as hell wouldn’t be Luann!

  199. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#198): Yeah, I was pretty sure it wasn’t you they were talking about.

    But beware of wossname doppelgangers out there folks. There is only one original and we got her.

  200. Nehemiah Scudder, insufferably smug myself
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy (#197): Who could not love Ace Doubles?

    // But really, is Namitha getting plumper, or what?

  201. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts! (#194):

    If it does make the list I hope Josh corrects the “eighth” that I misspelled.

  202. seismic-2
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#195): Right, the “NM Value” that’s listed is for “near mint”-condition comics. For comics in even just slightly visibly-worn condition, the value is much less. So hang onto your Zap #0 and simply enjoy reading the damn thing! I consider it ironic that the marketplace considers mint condition comic books to be valuable, since I consider a never-read comic, carefully preserved in a Mylar wrapper, acid-free backing board, and climate-controlled long box, to be worthless. If you were to see my old comics and magazines, it is their beat-up condition that shows their true value – namely their value to me, which is what counts!

  203. wossname
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#199): When I chose the nym, I was in the early stages of love for Discworld/Terry Pratchett, and enjoyed the way “wossname” was used (primarily by Gaspode) the same way we would use “whatchamacallit.” I’m still in love with DW/TP, but much later, I came to a Discworld discussion (probably involving Cohen the Barbarian) about defeating somebody in battle and cutting off his wossname. Oh dear! But by then it was too late. I shoulda called myself Nanny Ogg.

  204. DearZeus
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    At this point I think Spider-man is just trying to get rid of any and all other performers so that MJ can be the only actress left alive. Little does he know that with her being the only person around willing to take on roles that her fees will skyrocket and she’ll be making even more money than he does.

  205. Uncle Lumpy
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#201):

    If it does make the list I hope Josh corrects the “eighth” that I misspelled.

    All COTW candidates get a free proofread! It’s the added value you expect here at the Comics Curmudgeon.

    What — it’s not fundraiser week? OK, never mind.

  206. Poteet
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#188): @Nehemiah Scudder (#189): No cruelty was intended, I swear. I occasionally sing that song in my head when having trouble going to sleep — it seems to have a similar effect on me as it does in the show, though Sheldon and I don’t have much else in common. Hope you’ll feel better soon.

  207. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#203): I guess you could transition to “Nanny Ogg” if you like making sure we all know it’s you. Much like when bourbon babe, unbuckled became who she is now from her previous nom de blog.

    Nanny Ogg certainly has a ring to it.

  208. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#206): I’m sure you have a very sweet singing voice. If you want to sing on this blog, as far as I’m concerned, feel free to do so.

  209. wossname
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#207): Meh, I’m used to being wossname now. And I don’t have a compelling reason to change names, like bourbon babe did.

  210. Downpuppy Weatherwax
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#207): Nanny Ogg may have a ring, but whoever gave it to her is long buried.

  211. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#209): Good for you. wossname is firmly established in our hearts and minds and we look forward to your posts.

    Besides. “wossname” is easy to spot when quickly scanning down the blog entries.

  212. Alison
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    “Baby Blues”: I may be wrong here but it seems to me the joke today is that Wanda is pissy because someone thinks she and her daughter are alike. Isn’t it supposed to be a compliment when someone is all, “Aw, your baby is just like you!”? Maybe even Wanda knows how annoying she is and doesn’t want the baby to turn out the same way? Or maybe she’s afraid Wren’s imitation will somehow cause her (Wren) inherit her (Wanda’s) eight-foot nose?

    “Judge Parker”: I wasn’t here the other day but I’d like to chime in that I agree with Josh that it is really nice to finally see a fictional character who is sick and yet NOT made out to be a saint whom all the healthy people can learn A Valuable Lesson from. I really hate that, and it happens all the damn time. I like that the character with cancer is bitchy and I hope that tomorrow she throws that smoothie right at June and Honey’s empty bubble heads.

  213. Downpuppy Weatherwax
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#212): Ummmm = you may have Juggs P mixed up with RxMigaraine.

    The Judges have spent the last week in a Lexus exploring the boundary between boredom & Cruel & Unusual Punishment.

  214. wossname
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy Weatherwax (#210): Esme, that’s just the kind of thing Nanny Ogg would expect you to say if she were here.

    @Sequitur (#211): Thank you!

  215. Alison
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy Weatherwax (#213):
    Oops. Yes I do! I still mix these strips up because I actually didn’t know they were a different comic strip until I started coming here. I used to think Judge Parker was a Rex Morgan MD character.

    I’m trying to decide now which strip (JP or RM) is more annoying, but honestly, I can’t. Both consist of shallow rich people constantly getting praise and gifts. They aren’t different enough for me to pick which is worse or better.

  216. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    MW Hey! Now that Dawn and Jim are such good friends, maybe she can ask him what he did with his arm – the old one. I’d sure like to know.

  217. hibbleton
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    @endless sky (#190):
    Speaking of which, I haven’t seen a Dennis Jiminez posting in a while.

  218. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    I spelled out the word Ripleys! in the snow.

    ARCHAEOLOGISTS digging in the ruins of a 2,800-year-old palace in Turkey have discovered a mysterious, previously unknown ancient language!

    Most of the words translated to “gah gah goo goo ghee ghee” and the like. Archaeologists decided they had come across an unknown language from (wait for it…) BABY-LON!

  219. Peanut Gallery
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @hibbleton (#217): Well, I hope he at least said “Adios Amigos” before abandoning us.

  220. Disemboweled Old Dan
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    Shut up! Socks and books are awesome Christmas presents! When I was a kid, I was lucky if I got anything for Christmas, even if it was a bunch of crappy socks. Oh, and some books are fun. Like the ones full of naked women. Those are the best books ever.

  221. Liam
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#205):

    That is good to know.

  222. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    @Disemboweled Old Dan (#220): Got stuck with National Geographic did ya.

  223. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#222): source of many a lad’s first glimpse of b00bies.

    blue-footed or otherwise.

  224. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#223):
    That was my second glimpse. The first one I was too young to recall.

  225. Baka Gaijin
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#186): You’re the first person I’ve seen who’s tripping on aspirin. Extra Strength Tylenol, yes, I can understand but aspirin? Wow. That cold is kicking your butt.

    @Poteet (#187): Over here we get the Big Bang Theory later than you. One of tonight’s episodes was when the gang had Greek food on “Pizza Night.” Seeing Sheldon try to eat a kabob and try to look nonchalant even though he hates Greek food was priceless. “Little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat,” he said as he spit out the meat. Bringing this back to the comics, the Charterstone gang wishes salmon squares had enough flavor to warrant “taste like sweat” instead of “taste like unflavored cardboard.”

    @Uncle Lumpy (#205): Yes, unlike most blogs, The Comics Curmudgeon has “added value.” In older times, it might be called “platformate” or “irium.”

    @Alison (#212): The joke is that Wanda is yelling and nagging so much even the unsocialized baby has picked up on it. Apparently there’s humor in that.

  226. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#225): “Baby Blues.” Where all the characters have clown noses.

  227. Mike Hock
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    If nothing of any value was stolen, then there’s no need for any super-heroics. No wonder Peter Parker is expressing VICTORY!

  228. Droopy Says
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#196): I’m not even sure Spiderdick reacts to crimes, beyond the vague tingly discomfort and mild rash caused by his Spidersense. Aside from the pissy moment where he got Jameson to send him to Vegas, he’s been entirely passive here. He should have learned about this burglary by watching Kraven, then following the chimps when Kraven released them. But he’s such an incurious George that he doesn’t even wonder what happened to the blonde tiger-tamer he and MJ met at the start of this lame-ass arc.

  229. Sequitur
    December 6th, 2012 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#228): Hey, there was TV to watch. Who’s got time to nose out a crime.

  230. bbofun
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, or Possibly a Bowl of Petunias (#133): I did that piece for an audition once.

    Went over like a bowl of petunias.

  231. Uncle Lumpy
    December 6th, 2012 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#225):

    … unlike most blogs, The Comics Curmudgeon has “added value.”

    It’s proactive! Now, with extra synergy!

  232. odinthor
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#212):

    I read it as that Wanda felt discomfort at the fact that the doctor confidently assumed from the baby’s babbling that said babbling was mimicry of Wanda’s telephonic technique, with a further suggestion perhaps that she’s always blabbing on the phone. Her vehement denials can, I think—under the theory of “It’s the truth that hurts”—be interpreted as signifying her fear that such indeed is the case. Ha ha, the ladies like to talk on the phone a lot—comedy gold, I tells ya!

  233. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#195): There should be an intro somewhere that spells out about the condition. If they aren’t specifying a condition, chances are it’s “hero product” or “very fine” at the very least. Beats the hell out of me how “mint” copies of the real old ones even exist.

    Story I’ve told before (thanks to a former boss): A sorta shady dealer buys a copy of ACTION #1 in “Fine” or “Very Fine” condition. Not long after, he’s advertising one in “Near Mint.” The guy who buys it begins to feel that something’s a little off about it, so he puts it up next to another copy (my vague impression at first was that he already had another one, but I’ve since decided he must have gone to another collector — unless I was right the first time) and sees that the one he just bought is about a quarter inch smaller. The dealer apparently chopped the frayed edges off. With a paper cutter. Put ACTION #1 in a paper cutter and… godalmighty, I could never do that.

  234. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    (Though, if it was an electromechanical guillotine cutter like I used to work sometimes at “Lord Lightfoot” quick printing, I might be able to do it. Come to think.)

  235. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#226): What? No. Clown noses are spherical and red. Rose is Rose barely slips under the wire being their noses are not red.

  236. Droopy Says
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Won’t Kraven look a fool when Showgirl Sherry steals the tiara? Or will that just force him to realize that as a world-class supervillain he should have loftier goals than breaking and entering?

    Flunky Funky: So Krazy is a teabagger? Then he shouldn’t expect any sympathy when he loses a unionized gummint job, should he? But in the Funkyverse, isn’t “totally unsympathetic anyway” the norm?

    Mary Mirthless: Ah, now the return of Jim’s arm makes sense! His sister came back from the grave to–give him a hand! (insert rimshot)

    Mock Trail: Pity the poor sharks, having to swim in Trail-infested waters. No wonder they’ve suddenly backed off.

    Phantom: Cats play with string. Lions play with dope-on-a-rope.

    Pluggers: So if the Chicken Lady recognizes the signs of road rage, does that mean she isn’t a Plugger after all?

  237. Sgt. Stoned
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    Archie: Oh, shit! I’ve got a quilt just like Archie’s. Maybe I need to start doing my shopping when I’m sober.

    MW: Hey, Dawn. Did you ever wonder what a prosthetic hand would feel like on you tit?

  238. LurkerMan
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Spiderman proves once again the only thing more ineffective than Spiderman is Spiderman on vacation.

  239. Dale
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#234):

    Is that the type of machine that uses two switch levers?

    Making long precision cuts with a pair of scissors is difficult, but you won’t cut off an arm or a leg. Those require comic sharks or chainsaws.

  240. Dale
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL and Otto went fishing for tarpon using light tackle in shallow water.
    They were anchored? Not before. Mark had to crawl under the foredeck to find the rope. At least he didn’t jump holding the anchor.

  241. Droopy Says
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#240): What a shame he didn’t jump after tying the anchor to his feet. FIFY.

  242. Mibbitmaker
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    Totally distracted 12/6. Wrote these in the morning, typing them now. Oversnarpologies….

    BBlues: Bob Loblaw?

    Curtis: Either he just turned into a mutant, or he’s giving birth to himself!

    FW: Him playing pizzas like LP records was charming. This (intelligent authors aside) is just sad.

    HotC: The “family comics section”, ladies and gentlemen!

    Lockhorns: I beg to differ, but I’m not a stereotype.

    Luann: I have a feeling this conversation is also possible when Luann is 40!

    Glibporn: Oh, intellectual property lawyers!

    RMMD: ….And she’ll somehow get along with REX?!!

  243. seismic-2
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    A3G: “I dropped Skyler because she’s a no-talent airhead!”, says the woman who lives with Lu Ann Powers.

    BB: On Pearl Harbor Day, it is traditional to honor our battle-scarred soldiers. This strip uses the day to honor the bottle-scarred ones.

    Blondie: If they’re going to stretch a single-panel gag out to three panels, can Blondie at least appear with her coat off in the other two panels, please?

    MW: “I can feel her with me… supporting me. That’s because I carry her photo around in my jock strap!”

  244. Poteet
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    MT — The sharks belong in the water. The infestation problem is the human idiots. Alleged human, in the case of Mark.

  245. This Guy
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    FW: On his quest to make ends meet, Mr. Crazy has moved on from selling year-old comic books to selling still-in-print science fiction books. Reality just shrugged its shoulders and walked away.

  246. seismic-2
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    @This Guy (#245): The only way this story arc makes economic sense is if Crazy is selling his comics and books to clear out space in his house so that he can install a meth lab.

  247. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:38 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#105): Yup. I got one of those spots in my knee.

  248. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:41 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#147): Plus, it’s not like all non-fiction is how-to guides and biographies. There’s a whole world of “creative non-fiction” which can be just as compelling and literary as the entirely fictional stuff.

  249. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:46 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#212): Re: Baby Blues, I’ve also been baffled by how puzzled Wanda is by the whole thing. I mean, if this is something that most babies do, surely her other two kids went through this stage too?

  250. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:48 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#186): I hope you feel better soon. A few weeks ago our household was stricken by what I’ve been calling The Crud and it’s only now I feel fully recovered from it. May your own recovery be swifter!

  251. Anonymous
    December 7th, 2012 at 5:46 am [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#237):
    MW: I mean, it’s not really incest since it’s not my actual hand, right? Oh, and you’re not actually my sister, there’s that too. Kinda.

  252. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 5:46 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#243):

    And where is Lu Ann? Someone needs to check the bathroom and make sure she isn’t in there thinking about Greg.

  253. Owen
    December 7th, 2012 at 5:50 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: I sure wish my local TV news team would send reporters to do a live cross from the scene of all major burglaries that, uh, didn’t actually occur.

  254. gleeb
    December 7th, 2012 at 7:12 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: Aw, heck. I thought the highly telegraphed gag was going to be paving stones.

    ‘bean: Well, at least that handles why Harry doesn’t just collect the pension he’s earned. He rejected it as unnecessary government spending. Funny how his politics never came up before they were needed for a weak joke.

    Zits: Yeah, remember back when everybody wore plain, featureless white shirts and how they never do so nowadays?

    Archie: Jug’s enjoying that too much.

    Baldo: Baldo’s grandfather was the commandant of Stalag Luft III?

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