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Week-ending sadness

Mary Worth, 12/7/12

Good news, everybody! Jim has given up trying to turn Dawn into his sister à la Judy/Madeleine in Vertigo so that he can have sex with her. Now he’s just decided that his sister’s damned spirit will be his familiar for all time, clearing obstacles from his path until the day comes when he can join her and his arm in hell.

Beetle Bailey, 12/7/12

I mean, it’s pretty obvious that it’s the bar, right? Or maybe the bottle of liquor, or just intoxication as an abstract concept? You can keep “Miss Buxley Wednesday”; “The Halftracks hate each other so, so much on Friday but sometimes on Saturday” is clearly where the action is.

228 responses to “Week-ending sadness”

  1. Ringo Beaumont III
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    SO now over the past few days, we’ve seen quite clearly that Jim has both a right arm AND a left arm. Was the whole “I lost an arm” thing just a ploy that he uses to lure women to the pier and, ultimately, to their watery demise?

  2. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    A&J: Ludwig is best cat.

    9CL: Brooke MacE, everybody! (you’re all beefwits!)

    Luann: most awkward circlejerk EVAR!!

    R&R, Mutts: true DAT!! (I had a dream last night that I was bringing a dog home. It was rolling in every bit of mud that it could find. And no, it wasn’t a corgi, just a mix of some kind.)

    Zits: Walt is a Plugger.

    RwO: *snurk*

  3. Nekrotzar
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Both Jim’s and Dawn’s hairpieces are so sick of this dreadful storyline that they are both trying to take flight and thrive in the seagull community.

  4. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . .gender neutral.

  5. Chareth Cutestory
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Let’s all pause what we’re doing to all come together and make a collective wish. “Oh please, Universe Where This Comic Strip is Actual Reality, please let that menacing sea gull in panel one fly over and eat Jim’s eyeball. And, PS, please maybe that makes him stumble off the pier and have an accident to lose a leg?”

  6. pugfuggly
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW “I can feel her with me…supporting me….She’s says ‘throw the usurper off the pier…cleanse your spirit with blood and salt water….’ ”

    BB “What’s that, booze? Oh, she’s just some woman I live with. For the rent. You know it’s you I love! Hey, want to go take a romantic walk on the beach? I’ll get your flask…”

  7. Raghead the Friendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Jim’s nonexistent arm seems to be able to bend his sleeve and is there a glimpse of hand at the end of it? Did he acquire a prosthesis? You’ll forgive me for not following Mary Worthless outside this site. So I’m dependent on Josh for updates.

  8. Atheist amongst the flock
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    MW: I can feel her cupping my balls right now.

  9. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MW-Jim you deluded bastard. That’s Dawn you’re talking to not Merry.

    MW 2-”What? Mary Worth is dead? But I just talked to her. She got me this arm from some Aldo guy.”

    Spiderman-Despite the way he dresses Kraven is straight so he can’t be the queen.

    Gil Thorp-That’s it. Encourage the Irishman to drink. Next thing you know he will be declaring a hundreds year war on Valley Tech.

    JP-Did he have Katherine in the trunk the entire time?

    Doonesbury-Get the new ruler to say his name backwards and you can send him back to his original home of the Fifth Dimension.

  10. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    That should be Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist, damn it. He is anything but friendly.

    Hi Lynn.

  11. McManx
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp — Humiliated by once again coming up losers, the team didn’t even bother going to the locker room to change. The loaded up on the bus in their pads and are off to get wasted.

    Hi and Lois — There is nothing more ugly than clown bigotry.

    Love is… — “When differences make no difference…”? What? She has nipples, he doesn’t; neither have genitals. So, what difference does it make, indeed?

    Family Circus — Daddy Keene seems to be musing that in Biblical times, he could legally have his daughter stoned to death for her heresy.

  12. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail’s Missing Third Panel: Death holding his scythe, shaking his free fist in the air at Mark while screaming, “Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!”

  13. Tom D.
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Shades of Mark Trail in Mary Worth, check out the large gull in the first panel. Not quite Mark Trail gigantic but after all, this is a first for the MW team.

  14. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Cranky – The “he was really just using her baked goods for some other purpose” punchline is so old that it predates the time when calling it “telegraphed” was a reference to current technology.

    Luann – I wonder if Evans’ characters ever revolt? (Yes, they are always revolting!) Does Rosa ever throw down the script and yell “I just can’t! What is my motivation here? Why do I put up with this Gunther person when he clearly is unfit and unprepared for female companionship! And don’t tell me that he is a ‘nice guy’ – he just sewed me a furry costume made of human flesh!”

  15. XtinaS
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @Ringo Beaumont III (#1): Oh thank goodness, I thought it was just me! I was going to go look through the Mary Worth archives, but then I came to my senses.

  16. Johnny Knuckles
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MW: Panel 1: Jim’s right arm is back, baby.

  17. pugfuggly
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    ASM Why is Peter always just five steps behind these two with a broom? Has Kraven adopted an animal lifestyle and just shits as he walks, like his elephant?

    FW Tomorrow, Crazy explains his specialized dewey decimal system, to our collective delight!

    ok, I have to ask though: ‘I’m a tea partier now’? Is that a jab at illiterate knee-jerk conservatives? Is he just now realizing that his voting for austerity-minded officials landed him in his current mess? Or is he just explaining his slow descent into madness in the cutest terms possible (“I think I’ll go visit Alice and the hatter for a tea party…don’t wait up!”)

    MT Ok, Elrod, if EVER there was a chance to depict Mark Trail PUNCHING A MAN-EATING SHARK, it’s now. After two weeks of eating, fishing and laying about, YOU OWE US!

  18. Hibbleton
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Quoth the seagull “What a bore”

  19. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 8:59 am [Reply]

  20. pugfuggly
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @Atheist amongst the flock (#8):

    I can feel her cupping my balls right now.

    Now wait, that’s me. Heh heh. God I love prosthetics….

  21. Crankenstank
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    If we could get Thursty and Irma and their boozy dysfunctional relationship in with that of the Halftracks, we could have an all-Walker cast for the revival of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”

  22. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    You may be an alcoholic when you don’t even bother taking off your hat and jacket before hitting your home bar.

  23. lorne
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    I haven’t seen anyone pour himself a glass of bourbon like that since “Leaving Las Vegas”!

  24. terrapin
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    MW: What with Jim being so vague about where in the heck his new arm came from, I’m hoping for a Mad Love/Hands of Orlac story where the arm came from a recently deceaced murderer and begins to “tell Jim things.”

    FW: We get it, Batiuk! You’ve read a lot, and/or know the names of a lot of authors. We’re all very impressed! Now shut up!

  25. Snarkotix Addict
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Luann – Pathetic

  26. The Silent Penultimate Panel
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Let me get this straight: if you come to terms with your sister’s death… you get your arm back? Why hasn’t medical science figured this out yet?

  27. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Wonder what Les would grow if he came to terms with Dead Lisa’s (actual permanent) death.

    No, scratch that. I do *not* want to think about it.

  28. Christopher
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: General Halftrack is so senile he can’t distinguish between people and furniture. The good thing is that it doesn’t bother him that his wife’s breast is hard, cold, and produces bourbon.

  29. The Ghost of Jarrod
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    DtM – That’s not a futon. That Escheresque contraption may not be able to exist in three dimensions.

    Luann – DO NOT WANT

    MT – I agree, it would be amazing to see Mark Trail punch out a shark. Does it have facial hair? Boy, I hope it has facial hair.

    MW – Maybe this is a Fringe crossover, and that’s red-universe Jim.

  30. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

  31. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-Their marriage has become such a loveless sham that the General finds more comfort in his booze than in his wife’s arms.

  32. Alice
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Luann: Rosa: Poster girl for low self-esteem. That’s the only explanation for her continuing to pursue the nutless wonder who not only hasn’t kissed her yet, not only has a nervous breakdown at the thought of holding her hand, but hasn’t even had a proper date with her.

    And what is it with comic strips and “double dates?” Here’s a tip, Evans: grafting on a reference to present-day technology (Quill joining the “date” via smartphone) doesn’t change the fact that such a plot device is so 1950s, you may as well have the three of them head to the malt shop and cut a rug, daddy-o.

  33. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    I noticed the ad running on the home page of this site for ‘Drabbles’. There’s an enthusiastic blurb running along the lines of “OMG, greatest thing since the Incarnation!” Now, I was just recently the subject of a family interventions re: my bitter and opinionated outspokenness, but may I say: when I saw that the blurb was attributed to the creator of ‘Pickles’, it dampened my desire to read ‘Drabbles’. Great idea for a ‘Drabbles’/’Pickles’ crossover: “Dribbles”.

  34. Doctor Handsome
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Today’s Mary Worth seems strangely incomplete without a jackelrod ball.

  35. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    MW, panel 1: did anyone else look at the way Jim is drawn in this panel and think Dawn was calling him “Miss Merry”? Or were you all distracted by the arm?

    //what was the name of that old slasher movie where the mom has been giving her son female hormones because she hated her ex-husband? Had a very creepy scene of the ‘daughter’ coming on to her father. Anyway, it was much more interesting than MW.

  36. TheDiva
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    MW: Jim’s magically reappearing limb has been established as a prosthetic, although it’s as stiff and unnatural as every other limb in Mary Worth so I understand the confusion.

  37. Greg
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MW: “Miss Merry” should be a new holiday season greeting, or just general awesome holiday overall?

    “Miss Merry, everyone! And God bless the missing arm most of all!”

  38. Pozzo
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    “I can feel her with me…supporting me…messing up my hair. I think she’s about to swoop in and poop on my shoulder.”

  39. Mary Worthless
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Ok.

    Which way is the wind blowing?

    You couldn’t xerox the proper hair blowing in the same direction? Talk about phoning it in.

    I guess the folks over at Worthco are bored with this story line too.

    **sigh**

    Dave used to get bored with soap strips.

    Oh no! We have come full circle.

    Time for Mary and Doc to hit the seas for a recap, then a night cap, then a rubber cap on the ‘lil doc before they make wild monkey love.

  40. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    “You Miss Merry”? Someone has been reading too much Phantom.

  41. Illustrator Steve
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MT – WHAT’S the going rate these days for saving a VILLAINOUS KIDNAPPER/FISHING BUDDY from being devoured by sharks?
    …oh, I’d say about $2,000,000.00 should be sufficient.

  42. Getafix
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    With all due respect, Josh, you’re neglecting all the action in Mark Trail!

  43. Doctor Handsome
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Obviously, Amos is talking to you and not the booze, Mrs. Halftrack. Why would he just now be saying hello to someone he’s been making sweet, sweet love to all goddamn afternoon day?

  44. TheDiva
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    9CL: I honestly don’t know what’s going on here. Is Brooke acknowledging that lingerie is at least as much of a gift for the man as the woman (if not more so)? Are we supposed to be bowled over by the mere mental image of the Burber ladies in sexy underthings? Does Author Avatar #3 wear ladies’ panties?

    C’shaft: I’m pretty sure that material which would be appropriate for a power sander wouldn’t be suitable for a saw blade, but hey, it’s your overused running gag.

    FW: “When did that happen?”
    “Just now, for the punchline. I’ll probably change my mind again tomorrow.”

    Lio: Awwww…

    Luann: Now here’s a puzzler: which of these two has less chance of physical intimacy with her date?

    MT: This is going to end with shark-punching, isn’t it? (Sorry, Mark, Despicable Me did it first.)

    Pluggers are oblivious morons.

    SM: I just realized Kraven looks like a ‘roided-up Frank Zappa.

  45. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#35): Declaring “x is more interesting than Mary Worth” is not really praising “x.” Was that sarcasm? Whoops.

  46. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    3G“I dropped Skyler because she’s a no-talent airhead! …Can we get back to your ‘big news’?”
    “Okay. Skyler just won the Big Talent and Really Smart contest, for which her agent is awarded a MILLION BILLION DOLLARS, and her agent is the MARGO’S ENEMY AGENCY! And I’m wearing the same little half-smile on my face all through this to fool the painting that’s trying to edge its way to the window… GOTCHA, YA LITTLE BASTARD!”

    Archie – “Whoever makes those signs for him is doing a great job.” —Peanuts

  47. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Fred – With the introduction of Bert, Fred’s exact double, the amount of humor in this strip has exactly doubled. Coincidentally, the same result could have been achieved by the introduction of a crutch.

    HagwoodYeah, drinking in the dark will really stop a Viking who routinely drinks mead [*] till he’s blind.

    Herb can’t wait for Eula to drop dead. Tee fuckin’ hee.

  48. Holly Folly
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Oh my god! Is this, is this truly the first time that a charters hair is reacting to the environment? Did the illustrator of Mary Worth finally learn that environment matters to your charters appearance in a scene? Oh, wait, their hair is not blowing in the same direction. Whoops. Never mind.

  49. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#33): protip: Drabble is a waste of space, ink, newsprint, and time.

  50. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    love is… …getting set to “do it” whilst standing upright on a log covered with nipples. Somewhere, Hieronymus Bosch is screaming and trying to claw his own eyes out.

    Mark – Thinking quickly, Mark judges the position of the wildly thrashing Otto, and deftly throws him the anchor!

    Mary – “That’s right, Jim! You could name your new arm after your sister. It gives you stability… and value… and it’s always by your side, and it’s made of metal, and… metal. Mettle. Med… hey, why not call it Merry Worth?”

  51. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#y239): Is that the type of machine that uses two switch levers?
    Solenoid buttons, but yes — it wants both your hands to be out of the way of that potentially deadly blade.

    @Liam (#9): Despite the way he dresses Kraven is straight so he can’t be the queen.
    So maybe the tiara isn’t the actual bag he wants Sherry to hold. And by that, I mean “not with her hands.”

    @The Silent Penultimate Panel (#26): Let me get this straight: if you come to terms with your sister’s death… you get your arm back? Why hasn’t medical science figured this out yet?
    Every time you eat a dozen salmon squares, an angry guy gets an arm back.

  52. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#50): No, this will not stand. I have failed in my duty. I have skimped.
    Do over:

    love is… …two hairless, sex-crazed infants with children and possibly grandchildren, one of whom is sometimes dead, getting set to “do it” whilst standing upright on a log covered with nipples.
    Somewhere, Hieronymus Bosch is drinking turpentine with one hand and trying to poke his eyes out with the end of a paintbrush with the other.

  53. Marc
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    9CL- I think the joke is that Burber worshipping nerd number 2 is picturing Thorax wearing women’s underwear. You mean it’s not? Oh, I’m such a beefwit.

    A3G- Living with Lu Ann Powers and Tommie Thompson has given Margo an extra refined ability to spot no talent airheads.

    Mark Trail- Fine time to take a nap Otto. Don’t you realize that you’re floating in shark infested waters? I know that the decision between getting torn apart by sharks or getting back in the boat and enduring more of Mark’s ramblings is a tough one, but I don’t think you have the time to sleep on it.

    Mary Worth- “Actually, my sister was a narcissistic bitch. We had an intense sibling rivalry. I’m pretty sure she would want me to fail at everything so she could rub it in my face. I’m only sad she’s gone because I have nobody to compete against anymore.”

    Funky- Crazy Harry is living up to his nickname is pretty much every way. Well, every way except the definitions of crazy that imply fun or entertaining hi jinks.

    Luann- I’m sure that date will go swimmingly. Gunther will sit there shitting himself every time Rosa makes eye contact and Luann and Quill will spend all night making terrible yank/aussie jokes and licking their phone screens.

  54. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    My prediction for Spiderman: The pricey diamond tiara, having gone missing mysteriously during Kraven’s act, is found in Sherry the Showgirl’s prehensile rectum.

    Over there in Nancy’s malt shoppe, I can’t tell if Mr. Fumble is professing his unrequited love for Ms. Ritz or if he’s coming out of the closet to her.

    “Pluggers cannot comprehend cause road rage.” Fixed that for ya.

  55. Doctor Handsome
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Today’s helpful lesson for confused young women: Prosthetic limbs instantly cure deep-seated psychosis, so go ahead and meet with your rage-filled stalker all alone on an isolated pier! He’s much better now!

  56. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    MW: This is starting to look like a full-on series reboot with a younger, sexier Mary. What? Why are you laughing? Well, you have to give me the “younger” part at least.

    BB: Martha Halftrack asks a question with an obvious answer. Not particularly flattering to her, but obvious.

    MT: The shark is initially baffled, then entranced by this impromptu modern dance recital.

    FW: I’ll bypass the cockpittable ironies of a downsized federal employee outing himself as a Tea Partier and instead point out that the one cover picture looks more like Charlie Manson than it resembles any of the people Harry mentioned. And Manson is certainly more relevant to the Westview experience.

    9CL: Brooke is hoping for some fan fiction love, so he blatantly drops suggestions for Thorax/Elliott slash. Lotsa luck!

    Archie: Perhaps not what the makers of those “Save Water, Shower Together” t-shirts had in mind.

    BSt: Ha, amateur stuff! If you want real civil disobedience, shit on the lawn yourself instead of delegating.

    Garfield: Liz, looking quite fetching in something from the “Charlie Brown for Women” line.

    H&L: “please I’m begging you can I hear it I’d really like to no okay then gotta go”

    FC: Dolly looks so bored. Yeah yeah, round-the-world sleigh rides, loaves and fishes, she’s heard it all before. You want her attention, you need some dirt about their high school days.

    M-Dawg: If I needed a ladder held, I think I’d turn to someone with—how you say—opposable thumbs. The death wish is strong in this one.

    A3G: “I just saved a bundle on my car insurance.”

  57. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Luann DeGroot is no Amy Farah Fowler. That “smartphone date” schtick only works on “The Big Bang Theory.”

  58. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#54):

    My prediction for Spiderman: The pricey diamond tiara, having gone missing mysteriously during Kraven’s act, is found in Sherry the Showgirl’s prehensile rectum.

    Hmmm. I’m no expert, but that method of transport seems better suited to heroin smuggling than rare jewelry. Especially when you factor in airport metal detectors.

  59. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    MW-In fact Dawn, I think you are Merry reincarnated so we continue the relationship that we started before your I mean her death.

    MT-I’m hoping that the rope will be tied around someone’s neck.

    FC-Of course not. Jesus is make believe.

    Love Is-He likes women tall, blonde, and naked.

    Gil Thorp-Terry will deal with this loss the way they deal with loss in Ireland. He is going to blow up Valley Tech with a car bomb.

  60. Cloudbuster
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    A3G: Do publicists really care much if their clients are no-talent airheads? I mean, I presume a publicist gets paid to promote, and as long as the client is paying, why should they care? Maybe they get paid solely on percentage? I know nothing about the business. But, it seems to me like having less-famous, lesser-talented clients is just a necessary part of the business — you work with a certain amount of unknowns in the hopes that, like playing the odds in gambling, one of them will hit it big. They aren’t as lucrative, so you don’t spend as much money and time on them as you do on your “new James Bond” but you don’t kick them to the curb. We have a lot of big stars who aren’t well-springs of beauty and talent. Sometimes they’re just in the right place at the right time, or have connections — or maybe a really good publicist.

    It wouldn’t seem plausible that Margo is such a sought-after publicist that she can afford to be so choosy. Wasn’t she, just months ago, a gallery owner, and maybe a caterer, or something?

  61. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Today on “Jazz Hands Theatre”…[*]

    Andy Capp: One of these days, Andy is going to sue the city of London for its poorly-protected canal embankments and win enough money to screw his liver over, but good.

    Apt 3-G: Brace yourself, Margo. Perhaps you should sit. Oh, I forgot: nobody ever sits in this strip, they just float like more angular versions of Lumpy Space Princess. How about a glass of colorless liquid? Are you braced yet?

    Blondie: Either this strip contains its own reaction shot, or something truly horrific has just happened to that little boy.

    Dennis the Menace: That looks to me like it’s more of a convertible sofa cushion/foam mattress than a futon, Mr. Wilson. Either way, you’ve probably got more to worry about from that teddy bear than you do Dennis.

    Family Circus: What is this, Jeff? Are you writing jokes for Richard Dawkins now?

    Will Judge Parker be able to write his screenplay for Peaches[*] before he gets shipped off to the nursing home for daily rounds of sedatives and bingo? Stay tuned!

    Mark Trail: Yo man, why does it always gotta be “shark-infested waters”? I’m just trying to make a living here. Can’t it be “shark-inhabited waters”? Better yet, call it a Carcharodon-American neighborhood…

    Mary Worth: That’s your jock strap, Jim.

  62. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#49): Oh, there are worse. It’s not entirely without embarrassment that I confess to being a little charmed by the Norm/Echo romance.

  63. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#54): Props for an excellent use of the word “prehensile.”

  64. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    MW-Jim is disappointed. He doesn’t want Merry to live on in him. He wants to live on in her. He wants to live on in her all night and maybe even sometime during the afternoon.

  65. Dale
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#51):

    Someone showed me a cutter like that,
    but it was around 1968, so it had levers with knobs on top.

    It’s not really deadly if you stop the bleeding in time.
    In the old days, we just stuck the stump in the nearest campfire. It’s better if you can heat up a shovel. A sword will work, but the heat wrecks the sword.

  66. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#49): Let us be respectful of Josh’s paying advertisers.

  67. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#47):

    Hagwood – Yeah, drinking in the dark will really stop a Viking who routinely drinks mead till he’s blind.

    Hell, Hagar and Eddie can “liberate” all the booze and burn the place down as an example to the next bartender who tries to cut them off.

  68. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#52): “Somewhere, Hieronymus Bosch is drinking turpentine with one hand and trying to poke his eyes out with the end of a paintbrush with the other.” – I am definitely going to try to work that into my Christmas letter this year.

  69. Uncle Lumpy
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#61):

    … they just float like more angular versions of Lumpy Space Princess.

    Hey, that’s my wife you’re talking about! But doesn’t she look great in her new tiara?

  70. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#53): “Luann- I’m sure that date will go swimmingly. Gunther will sit there shitting himself every time Rosa makes eye contact and Luann and Quill will spend all night making terrible yank/aussie jokes and licking their phone screens.” – Oh, I doubt if it will go *that* well.

  71. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    MT-”Shark infested water”? That’s not an infestation. An infestation is a large group. That’s just one shark who stopped off for snack before heading to the beaches where the other sharks are waiting for the Summer swimmers.

  72. bats :[
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#12): and you all just KNEW this was coming, didn’t you?

  73. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#69): Omiglob! I am like, so sorry!! Wow, what tiara! But why does it smell like a chimp?

  74. Uncle Lumpy
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Stay tuned for a week of Luann sets it to vibrate — “Hey, sheila, why’s it gone all dark? Mff, mff, mff! Crikey!”

  75. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#58): All she has to do is get out of the casino with the tiara. Unless Kraven’s playing the Jungle Room of the “TSA TSA Casino,” Showgirl ain’t got nuthin’ to worry ’bout.

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#63): I’ve been waiting for months for an opportunity to use that word. Now I have to find another interesting word.

    @bats :[ (#72): Hee hee hee.

  76. Uncle Lumpy
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

  77. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Speaking of week-ending sadness, Jon in Garfield Minus Garfield is holding a chainsaw.

  78. Uncle Lumpy
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#75):

    Now I have to find another interesting word.

    Psst: “omphaloskeptic.”

  79. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#76): Is that why it says “Sheila” on the inside?

  80. AhClem
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    MW – Jim’s adoration of his dead sister is the natural end result of following his role model, Les Moore. Except for the incestual aspect, his obsession with Dead-Merry isn’t a lot different than Les’ obsession with Dead-Lisa.

  81. Spotts1701
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    FW: He could have said he was joining the Raving Monster Loony party and it would make as much sense, considering prior to this we had no idea what his political leanings were.

    GT: “Now that you feel the same sense of shame and ennui that pervades Milford, we’ll stop shunning you.”

    PBS: Well, as long as he’s happy…

  82. Santa Royale With Cheese
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    JP: If Bea doesn’t bust into this strip tomorrow like Kool-Aid Man®, make out with Peaches, and roll around in Chekhov’s Wealth™ for about a week, I am outa here.

    This strip is so boring right now it should be called “Judge Parker: Episode I”.

  83. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#62):

    @lynn (#66):

    ok, I respectfully agree that Drabble is not as awful as Dustbin or Reply All, and makes more sense than Boner’s Ark.

  84. Little Blue Bicycle
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    I picked up lunch Wednesday at a local chicken place and who should walk in but Les Moore. Same hair, same facial hair, same glasses, same clothing, same smirk, a dead ringer. I am left with the incredible conclusion that this madman has modeled himself on Les. I wish I had been brave enough to ask about his dead wife, but instead I tool my chicken finger snack and fled.

  85. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#78): Whaaa? Did you find that word in your belly button?

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#84): I’d tool my chicken finger snack if I’d seen Les Moore in the flesh. Tool it, I say!

  86. bats :[
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#27): oh, Raghead honey, Cayla’s been lookin’ and lookin’ for those. I’m not sure Les ever had them to start with…

    @lynn (#35): a poke in the eye with a plastic spoon from Dairy Queen is more interesting than Mary Worth.

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#52): yikes, this is really an eyes-poking-out day, isn’t it?

    Phrase of the Day (thank you, Baka Gaijin): “Prehensile rectum.”

  87. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#86): A poke in the eye with a plastic spoon from Dairy Queen is more interesting than Mary Worth, would be my sig line if this board supported them.

  88. Sequitur
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#54):

    prehensile rectum

    Gives new meaning to the phrase, “Grab for all the gusto you can.”

  89. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    MW: “I can feel her with me……supporting me”??? Did his sister reincarnate as a jock strap??

  90. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#83): Just for the record, I have never read Drabble. I’m starting to wonder, after several years of reading and posting here, if I actually enjoy ANY comics in a non-ironic fashion. Jane’s World, anyone?
    //has Mr. Scudder been playing Tom Cruise to my Rosie O’Donnell? I’ll never tell.

  91. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    There is

    blood in the water

    tum tum

    blood in the water blood on the beach

    and Mark Trail swimming just out of reach

    poor shark went hungry

    tum tum.

    (Actually I’m amazed Marky Mark Trail didn’t stop to lecture people on the species of shark which might be dangerous…like Tigers or Bull sharks…before thrashing at the water, which afaik isn’t the way you stop sharks from attacking.)

  92. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#84): WHY DIDN’T YOU KILL HIM WHILE YOU HAD THE CHANCE!

  93. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Santa Royale With Cheese (#82):

    This strip is so boring right now it should be called “Judge Parker: Episode I”. Hell, I’d take a Jar Jar cameo right about now.

  94. Chyron HR
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    AMBAR ‘LERT: It has been .25 days since Barney Google last appeared in the strip that bears his name.

  95. Little Blue Bicycle
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#85): LOL, very true.

  96. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#88): I’ve seen enough hentai to know where THIS is going.

  97. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#90): imagine a bland, sketchy domestic strip, with a gruff, fat father, and a feckless son, devoid of much of anything else good, humorous or even snarky.

    it’s like rice cakes, in a world without jam. or grits, in a world without egg-yolks or butter.

  98. Phooey the Lurker
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

  99. Mikey
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    MT: Looks like one of the floating blueish figure is missing a foot! Can it be?! Otto soon to be hauled into the boat gushing bright red blood !! Or is it just “jackelrod artifacting” again.

  100. Ranger
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    GT: I can hear the sports talk call in shows now.

    Marty: Steve from Milford, you’re on the air.

    Caller: Hi Marty, long time first time. Thanks for taking my call

    Marty: Welcome in.

    Caller: Marty, how much longer are we going to have to put up with Coach Thorp’s inability to win the big one? I mean, this was our arch rival and even with having an Irish good luck charm we can’t even get to the Playdowns.

    Marty: I hear ya Steve, I’ve been saying the same thing for years (takes small sip from flask).

    Caller: I think a janitor could lead this team better than Thorp and that Kaz guy. Even a one-armed walk on non paid assistant got the O-Line to play together as a unit.

    Marty: Thanks for the call Steve and I agree, another football season and another disappointment. When will it end, will we ever see the playdowns again? (takes another sip) Lesh take a break. Thish is Marty Moon and I’ll be here until lasht call.

  101. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#97): Well, that sounds lovely (and like a million other strips). Let’s all buy one and give it to our enemies. That way he continues to advertise on the site and it’s cheaper per person than forking it over for another Kickstarter campaign.

  102. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Note, I am *not* bitter about Josh’s Kickstarter success.
    //not bitter.

  103. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    MT-”In fact I think my new left arm came from her.”

  104. mcPerson
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Today’s very special Mary Worth is actually a Spider-Man crossover. The reappearance of Jim’s arm will be explained when he inexplicably turns into the Lizard.

  105. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#103):

    That is supposed to be Mary Worth.

  106. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-”I don’t know anymore and I don’t care anymore. Now let me pour a mug of liquor.”

  107. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#88): Um, are you saying she can pick up a Coors can with her…?

  108. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Would somebody explain today’s XKCD to me? I get that non-breaking spaces are frowned upon by web designers, but that isn’t the joke, is it?

  109. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    I’ve noticed in Healthcliff that the moon is always crescent (wrench) shaped, leading me to conclude that that in the Heathcliff universe, an asteroid punched a giant crater in the moon; this asteroid must be massive enough to stop the moon’s rotation as well as revolution around the earth, which is while the moon is always the same phase and why the crater is always visible from earth, so the asteroid likely contains small amounts of super-dense dark matter to account for the mass; and now this dark matter bathe earth in strange radiations and weird energies, causing domestic animals (at first), to become more like their human companions (bipedal, opposable thumbs, self-consciousness, etc.).

    All of this leads me to conclude that Heathcliff as a strip is the first in a trilogy of single-panel funnies that, taken together, depict the rise, peak, and eventual decline of homo animalia. The second and third strips in the trilogy are already well-known to us ‘Mudgeons, respectively, Slylock Fox Comics For Kids and Pluggers.

  110. Sequitur
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#107): Actually it was Schlitz, but yeah, why not?

  111. Chip Whittle
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#97):

    @lynn (#90): imagine a bland, sketchy domestic strip, with a gruff, fat father, and a feckless son, devoid of much of anything else good, humorous or even snarky.

    it’s like rice cakes, in a world without jam. or grits, in a world without egg-yolks or butter.

    There’s some good bits in Drabble: Norm’s participation in the Blue Guys group, and his relationship with that girl who’s obviously right for him (particularly as it made him realize that the previous Designated Love Interest was really a terrible person who treated him poorly). I’m not saying that’s enough to read a strip that’s been running since the Reagan Recession, but it’s not nothing either.

    Also, Pickles is a strip I like. It’s the same three-generations-and-a-dog format as One Big Happy, and while it hasn’t got the big punchlines of that strip, Pickles has got the sweet and pleasantly silly part. The strip’s sympathies are mostly with Grandpa in that one, and he’s glad to fill his grandkid’s head with nonsense, which I can’t help it, I love seeing.

  112. Red Greenback
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    The support of Merry lifts and separates Jim in a manly way.

  113. Stroker Ace
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    BB – Product placement @ the Halftracks: Evan Williams Honey Flavored Bourbon.

  114. Hibbleton
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: The man who mistook his wife for some hooch and other clinical tales.

  115. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#114): Is that the Patricia Highsmith book or the one by Raymond Carver … I think those both wrote collections with that particular title.

  116. astroboy
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    I usually just lurk here anymore since the demise of the FOOBs, but I just had to give a shout-out to #8 Atheist among the flock for the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. Well done, AAtF. Well done.

  117. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#93):
    Let’s try this again.

    This strip is so boring right now it should be called “Judge Parker: Episode I”.

    Hell, I’d take a Jar Jar cameo right about now.

  118. word-doctor
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Let’s see, Baldo does a virtual dating arc and three weeks later…

    Zits: I have fought against speaking this just as I fought noticing it. But the mom’s boobs freak me out even more than Thel’s or Blondie’s.

  119. Shrug See, Shrug Do
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#73):

    “Wow, what tiara! But why does it smell like a chimp?”

    Because he got a great deal on it — only had to pay chimp change.

  120. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    @Ranger (#100): Just tried imagining replacing Marty Moon with Jim Rome, and my mind’s version of Rome “ran” me.

    Remember, kids… have a take, don’t suck.

  121. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#105): The eerie thing is that it could have actually fit Gil Thorp over the summer.

  122. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#101): “Well, that sounds lovely (and like a million other strips)”

    presactly.

    @Chip Whittle (#111): I’d like Pickles more if there weren’t so many strips trying to be it. I loathe the “3 Generations and a cute pet” trope, but Pickles does manage to raise above the usual level of drivel.

  123. Chip Whittle
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#17):

    FW Tomorrow, Crazy explains his specialized dewey decimal system, to our collective delight!

    ok, I have to ask though: ‘I’m a tea partier now’? Is that a jab at illiterate knee-jerk conservatives? Is he just now realizing that his voting for austerity-minded officials landed him in his current mess? Or is he just explaining his slow descent into madness in the cutest terms possible (“I think I’ll go visit Alice and the hatter for a tea party…don’t wait up!”)

    I’m guessing Tom Batiuk was thinking something like “Wulp, this character’s old now. I mean even older. He’s got to get involved with something big and trendy or he won’t seem relevant when this strip runs in two years. Hey, that Tea Party just went over really big in the midterm elections! I bet by 2012 people are going to have a hard time finding anyone who’s not a Tea Partyer! I better get some of my characters in on that hot action!”

  124. Voshkod
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    In The Birds, Hitchcock deliberately made a relatively normal movie up to the moment the eponymous birds to their thing. Can we hope the writer of Mary Worth is a Hitchcock fan? Because I’ll pay good money to see the birds carry off One-Arm’s new prosthesis.

  125. Brock Sampson
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    FW: That you can get a book at the library sounds like a good reason to donate your copy to charity if you want to clear off a shelf or something, because you probably won’t get more than a buck or so for it anyway. If Crazy wants to raise some cash it seems to me like he ought to concentrate on the stuff that’s NOT commonly available and that would have value to collectors, but hey what do I know.

  126. Chip Whittle
    December 7th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Mandrake: “I’ll have you know I’m as real as you are!”, says the hallucinatory alligator to the fictional henchman. And 200 years later, Captain Kirk uses this panel to make the computer-dictator of a colorful planet of nearly a dozen people blow itself up.

  127. endless sky
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Brock Sampson (#125): Does Westview even have a library? A town so insignificant that its only post office is closing wouldn’t have “frills” like a library. Maybe Funky will let Crazy set up a free lending library in a corner of Montoni’s.

  128. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-It’s funny because her cooking is so unfit for human consumption that the only thing her cookies are good for is to be used on power tools.

  129. justjking
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    MW: She lives on in him indeed. Clearly Jim’s sister is lending him a hand from beyond the grave. And by “lending him a hand,” I mean Jim has dismembered her corpse and fashioned himself a prosthesis. And now he can feel her with him. Supporting him. For eternity.

  130. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @endless sky (#127):

    Maybe Funky will let Crazy set up a free lending library in a corner of Montoni’s.

    If he does, it will only be to set up a story where after some initial success, Big Library rolls into town and shuts them down by offering more books and better service. So unfair!

  131. Vince M
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#78): Is that when you don’t believe in Oompa-Loompas?

  132. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @justjking (#129): I mean Jim has dismembered her corpse and fashioned himself a prosthesis. And now he can feel her with him.

    And vice-versa! He can also feel himself with her!

  133. Anonymous
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    FW Ew. Batiuk just name checked someone I actually know! John Sinclair will be very sad. Don’t anyone tell him, please.

  134. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#130):

    It really isn’t fair! The new Wal-brary’s copy of Moby Dick has 2,000 pages! Their Lord of the Rings trilogy runs to 7 volumes! And their copy of Snooki’s “A Shore Thing” only has 5 pages!

    Finally, to add insult to injury, the greeter at the Wal-brary has two arms to wave hello with.

  135. bats :[
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

  136. justjking
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#132): And vice-versa! He can also feel himself with her!

    Yes, I’m sure he comes on the pier quite frequently now.

  137. Rob
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    I just laughed out loud at “She got me this arm from some Aldo guy.”

  138. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    MW-Merry lives on in Jim’s new left arm but don’t get to close Dawn. Merry is the jealous type and she will strangle you.

    FW-”My library? I wonder if they are looking for a guy named Crazy to spend all day there rambling about the most inane things.”

  139. Perky Bird
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Dawn, Jim, face it: You’re living in a fantasy world! Not because you believe Jim’s dead sister is actually watching over him and that Jim can feel her presence, but because that pier you’re on is spotless, in spite of the numerous gulls flying over and perching on it! As someone who grew up on the Gulf Coast, I can state with a fact, that pier should be covered with crap, and I’m not talking about the kind of sappy, sentimental crap you’re spouting.

  140. Poteet
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#Y246): What a great idea! Excitement, suspense, and with any luck, a couple of deaths, several ruined lives, and a few prison terms. I just don’t see a downside here.

  141. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Rob (#137):

    It’s the image of Mary desecrating somebody’s grave that does it.

  142. Steve
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#124): Can we hope the writer of Mary Worth is a Hitchcock fan?

    Try this: Watch Rebecca, and when anyone says the name “Rebecca” pretend they’re saying “Dave”.

  143. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#134): What’s worse is that once Crazy finally gets a job as a Wal-brary greeter, the thugs at the International Brotherhood of Pagesters are gonna organize a wildcat strike and boycott the place out of business. Then Crazy will have to sell books from the trunk of his car, but he’ll almost immediate get busted when the Book Squad lures him into a honey trap.

  144. Poteet
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

  145. seismic-2
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    MW: Jim has definitely overcome his dread of the pier, and he is now trying to embrace the whole ambience of the place by adopting a hairstyle appropriate for A Flock of Seagulls.

  146. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug See, Shrug Do (#119): Quite monkeying around, you.

  147. Poteet
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#139): Excellent point! Come to think of it, the crap is always missing from those pretty photo ads for birdfeeders. And I always wear a hat when I fill my feeders. I would definitely not visit that pier without one.

  148. pastordan, lazy professor
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#146): “Quite.” One of these days, I’m going to learn to use these here opposable thumbs…

  149. Poteet
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#139): And now, thanks to you, I’m happily imagining a gull crapping profusely on Dawn’s head just as she delivers a little Mary-type advice. “You must embrace your future, Jim! You must find joy in whatever comes your…SHIT!!!”

  150. Calico
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#147):
    Once Ozzy Ozbourne was asked by someone (Letterman, maybe ?) why he didn’t wear white jackets and pants-he said “With my luck, a bird would crap on my shoulder.”
    However, with bird poo, colors really don’t matter.

  151. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    MW-Yay! A happy ending. Dawn loves Jim because he is as emotionally damaged as she is and Jim loves Dawn because she looks like his dead sister who he loves and probably loved never to tell anyone else about it. Now let’s jump ahead to the next person Mary will help.

  152. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#150): I take it there are no mulberry trees in your neighborhood :-)

  153. Midtown
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    Next week in Funkytown:

    Crazy Harry plummets to new depths of despair and insanity when he discovers that the comics and books that have little value to him AREN’T WORTH CRAP TO ANYONE ELSE EITHER. The shock! The despondency! The idiocy!

  154. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#147):

    Sign at the Camden Aquarium: “Birds such as the ones in the tree you are standing next to relieve themselves, on average, every two minutes. How long have you been standing here?”

  155. Calico
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#56):
    It’s the first time the shark has seen synchronized swimming with men.

  156. seismic-2
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Midtown (#153): The only book of value in Westview is Lisa’s Story, of which every household has 5 or 6 dozen cherished copies. You get a new one with every Montoni’s pizza delivery.

  157. Calico
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#152):
    No – we have berry bushes here and there, and I do receive a nice colorful crap or two on my car in the late summer now and again, but they still crap all-season and it sticks to anything it touches like crazy glue. I do wear a hat when I work outside, though, as we have maple, birch, and oak trees. *splat*
    My gf has a cool feeding station on the front balcony. Black oil sf seeds and suet.

  158. Calico
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#156):
    Personally autographed?

  159. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    Blondie-That might explain why that kid in the last panel is crying. He didn’t like Santa’s candy cane.

    9CL-And what stores have you been kicked out of and told never to return?

  160. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    Archie-I would rather see Betty bathing with her pussy.

  161. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: So… Jim’s afraid of water… and he’s been wearing this same shirt for weeks and weeks and weeks. Ewwwwwwww…

  162. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    MT: At first, Mark, Otto, and the shark will struggle against each other, but amid the panic and frenzy, their fighting will come to resemble dancing, dancing will resemble love making … and then there will only be the love making.

  163. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#161): (No wonder he decided to meet her at the pier; lots of fresh air, and rotting seaweed to blame for any funky smells.)

  164. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#158):

    Not only autographed, but printed on alternating sheets of kleenex and toilet paper, so that you can enjoy the book both coming and going!

  165. Voshkod
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

  166. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Wasn’t it established that Gunther and Rosa went on a date at some point? And that’s how they are now a couple? Why, Rosa, do you put up with this immaturity? It’s neither endearing nor sweet; it’s bordering on pathological.

    //There are days when I want to shake a good portion of the young folk in the comics by their shoulders and then force them to read all the back posts of Captain Awkward.

  167. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#161):

    It’s a different shirt. Jim is one of those people who have the same type of outfit several times.

  168. Brian Weaver
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth’s strip seriously needs a continuity department. With the regrow of that arm. It’s so hard to keep track I know, so complicated for the artist. Do they actually write this material or just draw at random? By the way, have we ever really seen Mary Worth strip? Not that we’d want to. I was just asking.

  169. Perky Bird
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#154): That’s a good one! At the Virginia Zoo in Norfolk, they have a sign by the tapir enclosure that states “Warning! Spray zone! Tapirs can spray their urine a distance of 7 feet!” They also have a distance of seven feet from the enclosure conveniently marked off on the sidewalk. Sadly, I was unable to witness this amazing feat of projectile urination during my visit.

  170. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Alice (#32): Agreed on the double-dating thing. From what I understand, teenagers these days either go on proper dates with just their partners, or they socialize in large friend-herds. Double-dating is no longer A Thing. At. ALL.

    //Hell, even when I was a teenager, some 25 years ago, I never knew anyone who double-dated. Ditto for my husband.

  171. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#167): ayup.

    Shaggy from Scooby Doo is another example, but a google for “Shaggy’s closet” returns a lot of pictures of ‘now legal in Washington’ plant products.

  172. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#44): I’m afraid Thorax is imagining the author avatar in frilly underthings.

    *shudders*

  173. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#169): Huh. We could use a warning like this in the (unisex) restroom where I work.

  174. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#173): Perhaps I should say, “the restroom at my workplace”. I no longer have to work directly in a restroom.

  175. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#44): Also, regarding Crankshaft and the tools made of cookies, I find myself what he used to bore the holes necessary to mount them in the sander and circular saw. Diamond-tipped drill bits?

  176. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#169): Sunday Mark Trail needs to do a strip on the urinary habits of tapirs — or maybe just on spraying in general.

  177. bats :[
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Brock Sampson (#125): more than Crazy, that’s for certain.

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#176): or just tapirs in general. We (mr. bats :[ and I) love tapirs.

  178. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#81): Funky: I guess the very weak, very pathetic joke-like-thing here is that all his books from when he was younger are hippie rebel standards? Or something?

    //Really, if that’s what the “joke” is, Crazy Harry should not be a tea partier. He should be a libertarian obsessed with Ron Paul and legalizing marijuana.

    //Has Batiuk ever researched anything, beyond the covers of comic books? You can get away with context fails and continuity gaps if you’re doing a humorous strip, but not if you want one that is Serious in the way that he seems to want Funky to be, and boy does it irritate me. Planned absurdism is one thing; accidental and ongoing stupid because one hasn’t bothered to do one’s homework is just annoying.

  179. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m a bit disappointed in the color monkeys for not picking up on the brain-spray that ought to coming from the side of Jim’s head. It completely changes the story from that of a poor, tortured soul ending his life by way of an elaborate pseudo-assassination-suicide in front of the woman who spurned him and who bears an uncanny resemblance to his sainted dead sister into one of a young man coming to grips with his loss and overcoming adversity. Boo.

  180. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#177): I agree. Tapirs are great. Tapirs are like tiny elephants. Tiny elephants that can double as crowd dispersal units, I now find out.

  181. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#108): From my weak sense of HTML, “div” and “span” are sufficiently different that that particular combination is offensive? Maybe?

    I do get the mouse-over, though. It’s not the unbreaking space that’s annoying; it’s the capitalized “A” at the beginning. And the weirdly enclosed “:”. And the way that the phrase “Like this” is broken in half. That’s really ugly code. Really, really ugly.

  182. seismic-2
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#178): Remember, this is the strip in which the Army decided that an unidentified soldier’s remains must be that of (the still-alive) Wally Winkerbean, because they apparently haven’t heard of DNA testing.

  183. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

  184. Dale
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#139):

    MARY WORTH

    As fast as that pier changes shape, the crap can’t build up.

  185. This Guy
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#108): Mismatched div and span tags that wouldn’t do anything even if they were matched, and in the title text, mixed-case tags and the dreaded backspace code.

  186. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#152): Oh, man, mulberry bird poop. I had some of that bake on my car once. Not. Fun. trying to remove it.

  187. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#169): Tapirs can spray their urine a distance of 7 feet!

    Knowing that, suddenly Jim’s fear of the pier doesn’t seem so ridiculous after all.

    Fear the pier!!!

  188. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#169): Come to Ft. Collins, Colorado’s “Old Town” most-any Saturday night, and you won’t need to visit the tapir exhibit ever again.

  189. pugfuggly
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#123):

    So if I understand correctly, the ‘punchline’ to this strip is ‘I’ve thrown out all my ’60s progressive idealism and replaced it with right-wing libertarianism, even as I mourn the loss of my public sector job and make plans to use my local public library.’ Hilarious….

  190. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#185): Thanks for the expertise! :)

  191. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#177): bats :[, nsf hannalore.

  192. BigTed
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Since they’re about the same size, that’s either a very small bottle of liquor or a very large glass. Judging from Gen. Halftrack’s infinite thirst, I’m guessing the latter.

  193. Austria
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    When Luann said “Gunther” my first thought was the penguin from Adventure Time. He would still probably make a better boyfriend.

  194. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    how could anyone, even Hannalore, not like a baby tapir?

  195. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#194): Oooh! Baby tapirs are even cuter than adult ones. I wonder what they’re urine spray range is?

  196. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#194): Awww. He looks like morse code.

  197. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#195): Don’t worry unless urine their spray range.

  198. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#193): Most Adventure Time characters would, from what I’ve seen. That includes the Ice King.

  199. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#197): Oh ha ha ha HA! I see what you did there.

  200. Dale
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#156):

    There is a great Monty Python sketch where after a few book purchases, the people receive a washtub of dung. They are a bit surprised, but their big problem is where to keep it in a small apartment.

  201. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#197):

    Bwah! Excellent work!

  202. bats :[
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

  203. Liam
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    MW-This story should end with Dawn and Jim jumping off the pier and freeze in midair like the end to some television show and just stay there.

  204. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#203): The Butch Cassidy ending. An excellent choice.

  205. seismic-2
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#204): Especially the hailstorm of bullet fire that precedes it. Let’s hope Doctor Adrian’s husband the cop can get the entire Santa Royale police force involved in the shoot-out. Call in a few SWAT teams from Goleta, too.

  206. Baka Gaijin
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    COTW post is up. Don’t bother looking for a prehensile rectum on it.

  207. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#205): Now, that would be more exciting than being poked in the eye with a Dairy Queen spoon!

  208. lynn
    December 7th, 2012 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#206): Oh, good. I’ll check Amazon.com instead.

  209. KreatureFeatures
    December 7th, 2012 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: “Drown our sorrows” makes it sound as if these teenage boys will be drinking beer tonight. Where is the indignant questioning of the narration box today? I guess that kind of moral outrage is only reserved for blown calls on the football field.

  210. Uncle Lumpy
    December 7th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#174):

    I no longer have to work directly in a restroom.

    Congratulations on your promotion!

  211. Uncle Lumpy
    December 7th, 2012 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#181):

    The mismatched DIV and /SPAN tags are annoying, but the “A” response to the “Q” is formatted as an empty link tag (<A>), and the end-of-line &nbsp; will force a return if it actually shows up at the end of a line.

  212. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 7th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#211): THAT was the joke? Boy, that Randal Munroe is a real hoot!

  213. Marc
    December 7th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    Ok, we’ve been focused on Dawn and her pathetic personal life and people skills for about 6 months now. I’m about ready to move on to some other inane storyline. I wonder how Liza the psycho nurse is doing at sales school….

  214. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 7th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#211): Good to know. My knowledge of HTML is relatively limited, but I generally stick only to what I know, so I don’t see too many errors or their results.

    I would hate to be someone who has to deal with other people’s coding errors.

  215. Alison
    December 7th, 2012 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: Do we know Jim’s last name? Because I just realized his sister’s name is MARY, with a different spelling. Please tell me Jim’s last name is “Wurth” because that would make my day.

    “Luann”: I think Luann was inspired by that Capital One ad where the couple can’t afford to take a vacation so the husband goes by himself and carries around his computer so his wife can see the sights over Skype. Note to Luann: I’m pretty darn sure that was supposed to be a joke, not something anyone would actually think was a good idea in real life. But apparently you saw it and said, “Oooohh! Cool! Hey, Quill, listen to this great new idea I just got from TV!”

  216. Shrug, Pointing Porky to the Porcelain
    December 7th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#174):

    Though if your desk is even CLOSE to the restroom, and there happens to be a tapir in there using it, you may still have a problem.

  217. Shrug, Who Hath a Bad HeadCode
    December 7th, 2012 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#212):

    It was funnier when I first read it back in JOE MILLER’S JESTS, OR THE WIT’S VADE-MECUM. (Of course, it was in CP/M back then.)

  218. Peanut Gallery
    December 7th, 2012 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    MTAgain with the “shark-infested” water? Poteet warned you about this last time.

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#61): Maybe we can compromise and call it “shark-infused”?

  219. Uncle Lumpy
    December 7th, 2012 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#212):

    I spelled out the HTML to my son codemaster Spiff — he burst out laughing when I got to the <A>, and thought the &nbsp; was hilarious.

  220. Dale
    December 7th, 2012 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#202):

    That’s the same magical adhesive grip capability possessed by denizens of Milford.

  221. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 7th, 2012 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    Phooey the Lurker (Comment No. 98):

    One word…one horrible word…solves the mystery.

    Autocorrect.

  222. pastordan, snark late shift
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#218): With a twist of lemon?

  223. MWDG
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    MW:

    Dawn wonders why she can’t get a boyfriend… well here are some reasons:
    1. That idiotic hair (cut and color.) She chose that look and honestly it gives bullies a right to bully her.
    2. She is a 19 year old that wears the same magenta polyester jacket and skirt every day for six months.
    3. She serviced Drew Corey when she was 16 and he was nearly 30 (check the archives…it was when he was dating Vera)
    4. Dawn’s dad, Wilbur is the biggest slob and nerd in Santa Royale. He is basically a joke who looks like the type of “man” you would find on an online child predator list.
    5. Since Wilbur’s wife is dead (God knows the poor woman married to him probably blew her brains out)… Wilbur is the person who taught Dawn about feminine hygiene.
    6. Dawn’s best friend is a 70 something urine soaked hag.

  224. Peanut Gallery
    December 7th, 2012 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#102): Looks like that intervention really did the trick!

  225. Sgt. Stoned
    December 7th, 2012 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: Maybe the plot will take a turn from Hitchcock to Kubrik as the prosthetic arm manifesting a life of its own begins to strangle Jim ala Dr. Strangelove.

    MT: I can’t wait to see Mark take out the giant shark with a left hook.

    BB: It could be that Gen. Halftrack is fantasizing Ms. Buxley as a topless bartender.

  226. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    December 7th, 2012 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    @Santa Royale With Cheese (#82):

    “This strip is so boring right now it should be called “Judge Parker: Episode I”.

    OK, big Star Wars fan here, and maybe that wasnt the the best of the series, but your comment is totally unfair! No Star Wars moive could be that bad!

  227. Alison
    December 8th, 2012 at 3:19 am [Reply]

    @MWDG (#223):
    I approve of all of these reasons, this post is funny as hell.

    What DID happen to Wilbur’s wife anyways??

  228. Lael
    December 9th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Prosthetic arm? I think they just forgot which arm he was supposed to be missing! The perceived other arm is just poor shading!

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