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Wait, is Archie doing a chore without being asked? DOES NOT COMPUTE

Marvin, 12/19/12

All week, Marvin has been expressing his thoughts via standard word balloons rather than thought bubbles, which might mean something momentous except I assumed that it was just more Marvin splapdashery, where small details change constantly because who cares. BUT today Marvin seems to have suddenly made the leap from rudimentary verbalization to full-on literacy! Naturally this is just another opportunity for him to express his insatiable greed. I might also note that, much as I celebrate and indeed depend economically on the written word, I still think that the appropriate order for gaining life skills is (1) learn to go to the bathroom in a toilet, then (2) learn to read and write.

Archie, 12/19/12

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 doesn’t exactly know what noises biological lifeforms make when ingesting other biomatter for nutrition and energizing purposes, but it’s pretty sure that they’re repulsive.

Pluggers, 12/19/12

A plugger walk down memory lane is literally a walk to the grave! THIS IS THE #8 PLUGGERS OF 2012, TUNE IN OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS FOR OUR COUNTDOWN TO ULTIMATE HORROR

265 responses to “Wait, is Archie doing a chore without being asked? DOES NOT COMPUTE”

  1. wossname
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    A3G – In an amazing stroke of serendipity, Bolle’s random approximation of Greg’s features actually managed to produce a fairly handsome guy in panel 1. (Unfortunately in panel 2 Greg is back to A3G.generic.male model 2A.)

    Also – I don’t know much about the dazzling world of Hollywood casting and high-powered *snerk* publicists, but I’m starting to suspect I know more than Shulock does.

    Bizarro – Conrad the skunk, laid off from JP after the Avery-Bea-Bubba arc ended, finds a temporary gig in a lesser-known strip. Sic transit gloria mephitidi.* **

    *I was going to write “mustelidi” but the internets inform me that skunks have been moved to the mephitidae.

    ** I was going to try to figure out how to do the Latin possessive correctly, but that would have taken all morning, and I know some CC classical scholar will leap in to correct my Latin.

    JP – A cruise to frickin’ Acapulco? You’ve got more money than God, and that’s the best honeymoon idea you can come up with? Well, I suppose we can look forward to international intrigue involving “translator” *coughCIAagentcough* April.

    MT – Please tell me we’re not going to have to endure a “All of us here at MT wish you happy holidays” panel that includes the suddenly reformed Otto.

    MW – Panel 1: Meddle phasars locked on target.

    Phantom – Wait wait wait. Who tattoos lions? They’re not cows, you bonehead!

  2. sporknpork
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    “Archie, did you shit up the kitchen sink again??”

  3. mojo
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    MW: “Why just be okay with it when you can realize that dream?” Uhhhh, because doing something on occasion is fun, but actually creating and growing a business around it is a hard, grinding slog that may very well cause me to resent what I once loved?

  4. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    The AJGLU3K also does not understand that to unclog a drain, you must actually submerge the plunger into the water and cover the drain to create suction blah blah something that a ten year old human can understand blah blah. Incomprehension of the dynamics of the physical world is why it is taking so long for sentient machines to take over the earth, and it involves indoor plumbing.

  5. Chareth Cutestory
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: I sleep well at night, knowing that wherever HOUNDGTOOTH is spending eternity at least he is at rest.

  6. Oregonian
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Watch and see: When that Plugger dog gets to the next tombstone, he’s going to lift his leg and pee on it.

  7. Liam
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW-”Don’t dream it. Be it,” Frank N. Furter.

    MW 2-There is a fun and exciting new reality show for people who want to design cakes. You are in a high pressured situation and are yelled at by a person with a funny accent.

    MT-You could go from being king of the Island of Misfit People to a dishwasher.

    Pluggers-I remember how he grasped his chest and fell over.

    FC-Sounds like somebody needs to be changed.

  8. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Yeah, right, the old “just checking you for tatoos” line. Don’t fall for it, Fluffy!

  9. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    FW: Argh! The smirk! It burns! IT BURNS!

  10. Ned Ryerson
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: “All the People I Like Are Those That Are Dead”

  11. Christopher
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Pluggers can’t wait to join the ranks of the dead.

  12. Chyron HR
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Pluggers think every major city has an actual street called “Memory Lane” that urban intellectual elitists walk down when we go to buy our frappuccinos and gay porn.

  13. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Christopher (#11): Can you blame them?

  14. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Ed Crankshaft as Charlie Brown? If so, then I hope Santa remembers the Peanuts Halloween special, and Ed gets a rock in his stocking. Or at least a stone in his bile duct.

    FW: “This is my job. My dream is to design cakes!”

    JP: With all those assassins out to get April Bower, I was afraid that something tragic might happen on the honeymoon. Boy, am I relieved to learn that they will be going on a cruise! What could possibly go wrong on a cruise, right? Brefore the happy couple heads to the pier, though, maybe we had better start calling Randy “Stumpy”, just to get used to it.

    MW: “It may seem strange that an ex-hotel manager harbors designs of being a cake designer…
    Karen Moy is doing this just to give us ‘Mudges our best Christmas present ever, right?

    RMMD: “Hey, is that your Dr. Rex with Snarky and Bugs?
    Woody Wilson is doing this just to give us ‘Mudges our second-best Christmas present ever, right?

  15. debussy fields
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    FC– At age four, Jeffy can hearken back to prior Christmases and recognize the smell of his own potent Christmas cookie farts.

  16. Flummoxicated
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    FW: Something that Batiuk has been hinting at for years is finally revealed – Crazy Harry is into Tarzan cosplay.

  17. Ned Ryerson
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Snarky and Bugs are the latest addition to the pantheon of Rex Morgan “dudes”, Elvis, Cue, Toots, Spider.

  18. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Life in the Comics Curmudgeon Comment Section, Day 3: Things are going well. No one suspects that I am an Anglican worshiper…

  19. DC20WillSave
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Wait, the Chicken Woman Plugger and the Dog Man Plugger have the same grandparent? Plugger genetics would make any biologist run screaming.

  20. Weaselboy
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    MT: “Thanks Otto, but I’m still going to have you arrested.”

  21. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    A3G: There was a discussion about this here some time ago, but this settles it. Greg is in apartment 3J.

    // Ok, but knowledge and wisdom is acquired by the gradual accumulation of small facts, right? Oh, laugh now, but when I win vast fame and fortune on Jeopardy by knowing this, you’ll make a moue and choke on your mojito!

  22. Dood
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: “Yeah, your grandma sure was good eating.”

  23. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#18): Dude!! You typed that right out loud!

  24. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    FW – “Well, when I was 12, I did dream of working in a Comic Book store. But only an adult who has been infantalized by hidebound literalists, or a pedophile, would consider it to be an appropriate ‘career’.”

    “What about the Tarzan thing, then? Wouldn’t an adult re-assess their goals, and likely decide that swinging through the trees and picking lice out of their companion’s fur was also childish?”

    “Well, they do call me ‘Crazy’ for a reason!”

  25. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Is Marvin really imagining that he wrote “is it Christmas yet?” (correct capitalization on “Christmas”, correct punctuation, but minus two points for starting the sentence in lower case) but in reality, it’s a scribble on the wall? And for that matter, is Marvin imagining that he wrote in festive green, but instead used his own feces?

  26. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    @Weaselboy (#20): Punched, then arrested. This whole plot line would be a catastrophic waste of ink if it didn’t end in a punching.

  27. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#1): The striped skunk is M. mephitis (according to whoever assigned Latin names to North American animals, I suppose). Mephitis is a noun of the feminine gender and the pure I-stem third declension. I **believe** the genitive singular would therefore be mephitiis. OK, there’s a 95% chance that this is way wrong, but it’s good enough for 9:30 AM.

  28. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#18):

    Please. Don’t be obtuse! Everyone knows you are an Anglican, we just think it’s a cute phase you are going through.

  29. StriderGirl
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#18): Well, we Anglicans ARE pretty wonderful, but I don’t know a lot of people who actualy worship us – thanks, Your Venerableship!

    On a semi-related note and just out of curiosity, are you with the ACOC, ACNA, ANiC, or EC?
    And do you wear Venerable Beads?

  30. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#28):

    Further parsing of your username indicates that you are not being obtuse, but are in fact a right anglican!

  31. Marc
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    9CL- So much for not banging anymore before the wedding eh?

    A3G- The issue of the sparring incompetent publicists aside, I’m still not understanding why the alleged new James Bond is staying in a crappy apartment in NYC doing nothing all day. Wouldn’t Hollywood be a more appropriate place to be spending his time since, you know, that’s where they are probably shooting the movie?

    Mark Trail- And where did Otto plan on buying this fast new boat? Is there a yacht club somewhere on this poor island? I would probably just ride one of those giant, pelican eating flying fish.

    Mary Worth- Well John Dill is royally screwed now. He professed a dream to Mary, and even worse he said he was ok with not devoting his every waking moment to pursuing it. Now that she’s assigned herself to the case, Mary is not going to quit until old Mr. Dill opens the most successful cakery in Santa Royale or drives himself over a cliff in a drunken stupor.

    Funky- I’m going to try this out asking this question in every day life.
    Has bagging groceries always been your dream?
    Has being a gas station attendent always been your dream?
    Has being a patient at a methadone clinic always been your dream?

    Luann- Maybe if you two paid even the slightest bit of attention to the kid, she wouldn’t be losing her mind with boredom. But instead they treat her as a nuisance, act like this is the last place they want to be, and generally just blow her off. No wonder the kid is so fucked up.

    Sallly Forth- Major kudos for not taking the easy way out and going with the most white bread, generic names possible like in MW, MT, and A3G. But I am so looking to this hockey game.

    Archie- I’m interested to know what Archie stuck down the drain that he would need to plunge the kitchen sink.

  32. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    A3G: “You know very well why I called, and the word is ‘booty’. Yeah, us old gals have got game! The game is called slammin’-granny-in-the-fanny! C’mon there, big boy!… hello? hello?”

  33. Hibbleton
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    JP: Interesting art work in the strip today. In panel one, Randy is drawn slightly diminutive to his parents. And panel two, composed of a tight closeup of Katherine, forms the link between the family dynamic and Randy the individual between panels one and three. Nicely done!

  34. Voshkod
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Not that I’m a fan of Marvin – in fact, I’d enjoy seeing it dismantled – but has the art changed? New artist?

  35. Doctor Handsome
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    “Close the kitchen door. And maybe hang a necktie over the knob. Matter of fact, just tell us ahead of time when Betty’s coming over. We’ll go see a movie or something.”

  36. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

  37. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#23): Who’re you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?

  38. Downpuppy
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#31): Skyfall was a typical Bond – studio work in Hemel Hempstead, locations in London, Scotland, China & Turkey. No Hollywood. Really a tightly organized, international project.

    Except for one little thing : Nobody bothered to read the script, which had enough holes to fill the Albert Hall.

    Not sure if Craig is doing any more. They spent half the movie talking about how old he was getting.

  39. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: Oh, what a wistful look of happy nostalgia Leroy’s wearing! That shower curtain takes him back to the ’70s when he and John Updike would hang out with Hef and the Playboy mansion, by which I mean, he’d hide behind a shower curtain like just like one and wank to the latest issue, after which he’d drop a deuce while reading an Updike story about infidelity.

  40. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    MW: Over the course of this week, fewer and fewer people have been admiring this ostentatious cake the size of a small country. It’s only Wednesday, and the count is now zero.

    So Mary is going to meddle Dill into investing his life savings into a new career. Six months later, he shows up at her doorstep in financial ruin, begging for some advice. “Sorry, John, er… Mr. Dill, I’m deep into another story arc. You’ll have to wait. I have an appointment in… 2015?”

  41. Doctor Handsome
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    This might sound crazy, but is Marvin actually Banksy?

  42. Aviatrix
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    The creaky aging superhero is a thing now, because everything still revolves around the boomers, neither gen X nor Y nor whatever they are calling kids these days yet able to get jobs better than comic book sorter.

  43. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    MW: You should realize that dream!

    John: I sure will, Mary. I have another dream that I’d like to realize, too. It involves luring teenage girls to my apartment with little pink cakes…

  44. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#21): “…when I win vast fame and fortune on Jeopardy…” because look how well that turned out for Josh.

  45. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    SM: Instead of webbing up the chimp and preventing the crime from the start, Spidey waits. When he actually steals the jewels, will Spidey spank the monkey?

  46. 150
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    But how awesome is “Houndstooth” as a name, seriously?

  47. Horace Broon
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    DT: Remember kids, if your grim-faced grandparent drives you out at night and tells you “no one must ever know” that’s totally fine!

    MT: “And I’ll stay here and explain to the islanders that there’s no money, but that’s okay because I wasn’t going to use it to help them anyway!”

    Phantom: “Nope, no tattoo. Maybe there’s an implanted microchip? I don’t have a RDIF reader with me, so we’ll have to do it the hard way..” ”produces skinning knife)

  48. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    RMMD

    He’s Snarky, the surfer dude
    He watches the You Tube
    He’s got a big organ
    He hits on Doc Morgan
    Puts Honey in a bad mood.

  49. Doctor Handsome
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Sorry, but you’re a chicken and a dog. There’s simply no way your grandparents have been dead for 40 years. I’ll chalk this one up to senile dementia, which you’re experiencing because you’re 14.

  50. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    Plugdog: I still remember stuff from 40 years ago, but I’m still foggy on my grandkids’ names. I still don’t know how to use that electronic sending thing.

    Plugchick: You mean email?

    Plugdog: I was gonna say “fax machine”. What’s this about the mail now? No matter how practical it is, I’m going to make a point to misunderstand it, misuse it and make bad jokes about it, so I wanna know.

  51. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Peter Parker is so dumb, he’s in line for his own TLC series.

    Apt. 3-G: (Semi-) serious question: how in the world are we to know that Evan is “creepy”? He seems pretty bland up to this point. What, exactly, are the qualifications for creepy men in the A3G universe? A pathological desire not to wear a coat and tie? Being interested in sex, or worse, pre-marital kissing? Hanging around Margo? Color me pastel and confused.

    Archie: Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 is recycling strips again. When was the last time kitchens had doors on them?

    Arlo and Janis: I love Janis’ weary, cranky expression, and the brandy snifter that appears as if by magic in the last panel. It’s been a good marriage, especially when Arlo’s been in one of his horn-dog moods, which is to say pretty much every other day. But Christmas – this Christmas – has finally broken her spirit. There’s not much to do but take a deep pull on her private stock, hand the firebomb to her husband, and watch her world go up in flames like so many cheap Italian dreams.

    9 Chickweed Lane: Want help getting rid of a smile? That’s easy. Just read 9 Chickweed Lane.

    Dick Tracy: Seeing Honeymoon riding along with Pop-Pop makes me nervous that this strip will take on Sandy Hook at some point, and then where will the NRA turn for a wholy-owned subsidiary strip?

    Judge Parker: If we’re going to spend three months bickering about wedding plans and no Peaches, my will to live is going to be sucked clean out of me, sort of like Bea on day 4 of life with Avery.

    Mark Trail: <Statler and Waldorf>Bring back the sharks! We’ll settle for bears!</Statler and Waldorf>

    Mary Worth: Oh, John Dill. Now you’ve gone and done it. The meddling finger is up. Expect everything – yet nothing – to change in your life over the next six months.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Can we just get on with the strip-off between June and Honey, please? And today in sentences I thought I would never type: “Can we just get on with the strip-off between June and Honey, please?”

    Scary Go Round: Wonk. Wonk. Wonk. Wonk. Shhh. That is all.

    Semi-un-comics-related bonus: They put Moby Dick. On TV. As a cartoon hero.

  52. Nekrotzar
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Why is it that Marvin has left a red crayon out after writing a message in green? Is it because his next step will be to mark up the walls with REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM?!!!

  53. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW: “I get it, Mary, I get it! You love to meddle, and lo! and behold! you land yourself an advice column. Do you you really think that just because I say I love to design cakes that I actually love to design cakes? Don’t you realize burying slabs of yellow spongecake under gallons of pink frosting is just my way of burying my grief over losing Eleanor who, unlike some people I could name, was actually caring, loving and tried to help people solve their problems in their own way, in their own time, without forcing some cookie-cutter solution upon them?

    “And in any case, do you think that even if I really did love designing cakes for the sake of designing cakes that the universe is going to just let me fall ass-first into my dream job even though I have no experience, no training, and no professional contacts? And that nothing will ever be bad again? Do you really think that a few platitudes and a reassuring word or two are gonna set those cosmic wheels in motion? Well, do you, Mary? Because if you do, that is some seriously magical fucking thinking you have going on—like, religious fanatic hearing voices magical thinking. I sure as fuck hope you never get interested in bomb-making and just stick to meddling, because you are sick, lady, sick!”

  54. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MT: I think Otto should have his own spinoff strip. Seriously, he’s a much more intriguing guy than Trail, if by virtue of having changed his mind one solitary time. Think, Otto has to keep his gang of hooligans happy, care for the islanders, find and capture kidnapping targets, avoid entanglement with the Big Island politics and evade capture by InterPol.

    Otto: Cordial International Kidnapper of D-list Celebrities

    It would be like the Sopranos goes Carribean, mon!

  55. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#27): Mephitis is a noun of the feminine gender and the pure I-stem third declension. I **believe** the genitive singular would therefore be mephitiis.

    No. I think it would be simply “mephitis”. (Cassell’s New Latin Dictionary, 1959)
    The genitive for this word is the same as the nominative.

    // Now write “Romani ite domum” a hundred times. If it’s not done by sunrise…

  56. Chareth Cutestory
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Can someone clear out the text and insert “They’re coming to get you, Barbara” into one of the word balloons? It would jump from #8 up to #1 on my list.

  57. terrapin
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    MW: Be reasonable, Mary. Not only did no one eat his cake, it frightened off an entire pool party!

    FW: Great! Now I’m picturing Crazy in a loin-cloth! Cancel lunch!

    JP: “Acapulco? Well, we’ll just buy Acapulco!”

  58. Mibbitmaker
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Marvin: Well, the handwriting’s on the wall….. (laughing wildly in direct opposition to how hugely unfunny the joke was)

    Pluggers: Top ten Pluggers?!? I can never think of even a top one Pluggers… or a top 10,000,000, for that matter.

    A WORD OF ADVICE: Never look for the first time at yesterday’s 9CL late at night! I did, and it was a HUGE mistake! Today’s was practically a relief after that!!!

  59. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    I don’t even want to think about how lame a joke has to be for Pluggers to consider it “corny”. That’s getting dangerously close to Crankshaft territory.

  60. Ian Beste
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    FC Hey, kid, I don’t see anything around you that looks like it might smell like a Christmas tree, Christmas cookies, or Dad’s holiday bourbon. Instead, it seems maybe you’ve swallowed a songbird. Maybe you associate the smell of a late December emergency room visit with the holidays…

  61. Cleve Barrister
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    MW “I’m sorry Mary, but your idiotic meddling is beginning to “frost” me…”

  62. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    MW: It doesn’t have to be a dream, John.

    John: It is and I’m ok with it.

    MW: Realize that dream!

    John: No, really, I don’t want to do it full time.

    MW: You must get out of your comfort zone and let your dreams take flight!

    John: I just want to enjoy my retirement visiting my grandkids. You want me to start a new business and work 14 hour days? And for what? I used to make six figures at the Ritz-Carlton. If I really work on the cake designs, I might clear a third or less of my old salary in the first three to five years.

    MW: Meddle meddle buzz buzz. Meddle meddle!

    John: Must… start… business…. Must realize… dream…

  63. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#30): Further parsing of your username indicates that you are not being obtuse, but are in fact a right anglican!

    Nothing of the sort! I say he’s orthogonal. Rite?

  64. wossname
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#27): @Nehemiah Scudder (#55):

    Mephitis is a noun of the feminine gender and the pure I-stem third declension. I **believe** the genitive singular would therefore be mephitiis.

    No. I think it would be simply “mephitis”. (Cassell’s New Latin Dictionary, 1959)
    The genitive for this word is the same as the nominative.

    Aren’t we actually seeking the genitive plural? At least that was what I had in mind when I wrote my pidgin-Latin original – I was trying to say “So passes the glory of skunks.”

  65. Inkwell
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Marvin is just cold. Locked in a permanent state of babyhood– a convention of his cruel medium– Marvin is unable to communicate with his parents verbally. After decades of cruel silence, he makes a breakthrough by mastering the written word. Could he finally be able to make his thoughts known?

    Bad Marvin! Time out!

  66. Uncle Lumpy
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#64):

    So, mephitidarum, right?

  67. Ned Ryerson
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: So we’re already three strips into the top ten. Does Reed Hoover make it into the top ten this year? (I can’t recall if we’ve even had a Reed Hoover in 2012…I’m recalling a line from Seinfeld about a World’s Greatest Dad T-shirt. “Well, I don’t know how official any of these rankings really are.”)

  68. Fats Pinto
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Pluggers – “I still remember the day my parents told me Grampa had moved to a farm out in the countryside where he could run around in the fields all day, when in fact Charlie had got him in Dewey Canyon.”

  69. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#51): Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 is recycling strips again. When was the last time kitchens had doors on them?

    a. Well, duh.
    b. So he lives in an old house. My kitchen has a door. (Of course, the house was built in 1902.)

  70. TheDiva
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Archie: Archie’s first attempt at meth isn’t going so well.

    Marvin: Marvin’s suddenly accelerated development is yet another sign of his inhumanity. I think he’s eager for Christmas to be here not because of presents, but because that’s when he’s due to emerge from his laval stage and feast on man-flesh.

  71. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#51): Semi-un-comics-related bonus: They put Moby Dick. On TV. As a cartoon hero.

    1968, dude. We had some awesome drugs back then. They were, like, so good, we forgot the formulae. Sorry.

  72. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    *razzafrazzinarglebargling security programs*

    browser crash, lost first batch of posts. *grumble*

    Frazz: LUFF EET! (It helps to know that the top-flight distance runners are all East African.)

    A&J: *hearts*

    Zits: smothermother taken to a new and squickier level.

    Bizarro: poor out-of-work Conrad.

    Lockhorns: Leroy is stoned to the max right now.

    JP: Alcapulco is no longer a popular destination, due to crime.

    OBH: *snicker*

    RwO: GO STATE!!!!

    rMC: Rex, in a nutshell.

    SFx: Jamus, if that’s Carla, I’d be worried about the paternity suit. . . .

  73. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . post lingerie, post O.

  74. Santa Royale With Cheese
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#51):

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Peter Parker is so dumb, he’s in line for his own TLC series.

    “Here comes Spidey Boo Boo.”

  75. Ned Ryerson
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    I never thought kitchens could be drawn more stupidly than in Mary Worth, until I saw Archie’s kitchen. Archie’s kitchen is a very spare room with a laundry tub and no visible counter space.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#69): I thought about the door question, but I guess a door isn’t that uncommon. I suspect, though, that a door off a kitchen probably leads outside or to a utility room, mud room, etc. (Look who’s talking, my kitchen has a door leading to a bedroom.)

  76. Verline
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    JP: April and Randy, don’t go on a CRUISE!! DON’T DO IT!!! Just ask Dawn and Jim! You could lose your life, your arm, or your lunch (which I’m going to lose in a minute here.)!!

  77. TheDiva
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    9CL: By the way, I loved you in Beetlejuice.

    C’shaft: Hallmark was actually selling Charlie Brown trees a while back; my mom has one. So congrats for being a couple years behind the times as usual, Batiuk.

    FW: HUMAN MOUTHS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY. I’m not sure the mouths of any creature in this dimension work that way.

    Luann: This is simple. Tell her the helper is the one who relays her gift wishes to Santa, and if she doesn’t talk to him the fat man might get her socks and ugly sweaters. If you let this little six-year-old walk all over you, then I guess it’s a blessing the two of you will never engage in the act essential to having kids of your own.

    MW: “Mary, have you seen that ugly pink monstrosity I decorated? I can’t even get a slot on Cake Wrecks with that thing!”

    SM: Sure, Spidey, go ahead and bend the iron bars on the museum window; I’m sure that won’t set off alarms or implicate you in the crime in any way.

  78. btown
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    MW 1: John Dill: “It may seem strange that an ex-hotel manager harbors dreams of being a cake designer… but I’m gay”

    MW 2: I think that once per week, there should be an extra bonus panel grafted onto the end of each strip. “Meanwhile, Jim and Dawn enjoy their new friendship”. Of course, it will be the exact same panel every time.

  79. Liam
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    JP-Couldn’t they just go to the local courthouse or Vegas for a quickie wedding followed by a quickie divorce.

  80. gleeb
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#18): I suspected it when, after commenting, you stood around expecting someone to give you a cup of coffee.

  81. Liam
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    MT-”I’ll let you and your friend go free with the money but the people after you we will hold hostage.”

    MW-In fact I know a bakery where a cake decorator has recently died under mysterious circumstances. I’m sure they would be happy to hire you.

  82. gleeb
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#79): To get a courthouse wedding at short notice, they’d have to know a judge or something.

  83. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#64): Aren’t we actually seeking the genitive plural? At least that was what I had in mind when I wrote my pidgin-Latin original – I was trying to say “So passes the glory of skunks.”

    Well, ok. I thought it worked well in the singular, since we were just talking about the estimable Conrad here. “So passes the glory of the skunk.” But if you must have plural, the genitive plural of mephitis should be mephitium. But then you’d have to change the verb to plural as well. Let’s see, fourth conjugation, should be “transiunt”.

    So. “Sic transiunt gloria mephitium.”

    // Romani ite domum. One hundred times. Do it.

  84. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Marvin: Hey, I’m just relieved to see him holding a green crayon so that we know he didn’t write the question with a particularly sickly BM.

    MW: A man’s wife dies, and while he’s devastated, it also frees him up to express his true identity as a professional cake designer. I hope the children take it well.

    FW: Take your purchase, smile, back slowly away, don’t take your eyes off of his until the door is tightly closed.

    Crock: This is as good a serenade as you’re going to get in a restaurant that doesn’t enforce the “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

    9CL: You want to get rid of it? You’re not the one who has to worry about it devouring your soul.

    JP: Oh, I see. It’s a luxury destination elopement. Katherine, if you want to smash any kitchenware across Randy’s intolerable face, you have my blessing.

    RMMD: Rex Morgan, chick magnet. Yeah, Ginger sees the problem with that too.

    GA: Awesome. The bullies should be gnawed down to gristle and bone in a couple of days.

    H&L: Lois can, I’m sure, have a nice woman-to-woman chat with Dot’s friend about raising her standards. What really catches my eye here is the giant silhouette of Trixie’s head.

    FC: He that smelt Christmas dealt Christmas, obviously.

    SSmith: Whatever the hillbilly translation of “fuck my life” is, Lo’weezy is thinking that.

    S-M: The chimp and Spider-Man are both breaking and entering, but only Spidey has done property damage to the museum. Lotsa luck convincing the Clark County sheriff that Kraven and his simians are the criminals here.

    A3-G: “You know very well why I called. To shake your martini and stir your loins.”

  85. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

  86. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Re: Pluggers Countdown To Doomsday: Am I the only one who thinks “Rip Houndstooth” would make a great name for a cheesy, over-the-top action hero? “In a world gone mad, there’s only one man who can save us all…and that man’s name is RIP HOUNDSTOOTH!”

  87. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#66): No, that would be first declension.

    // Romani ite domum. You know the drill.

  88. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#77):

    Tell her the helper is the one who relays her gift wishes to Santa, and if she doesn’t talk to him the fat man might get her socks and ugly sweaters.

    Yeah, it actually stands to reason. Santa expects loyalty from his helpers, and it’s a two-way street. He can’t just go around giving goodies to the kids who dis his people.

  89. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#75): Maybe Archie is presumed to be eating in the laundry room, and the door in question is from the laundry room TO the kitchen.

  90. Froggy
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Any chance that we get a Walter Sobchak quote this Sunday? “If you will it, Dude, it is no dream.” That would be too much — probably the best we can hope for is the Theodor Herzl original.

  91. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#42): Ah, welcome back Aviatrix.

  92. Ned Ryerson
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    The Pibgorn approach to storytelling: If you create ethereal characters that travel frequently between fantastic, celestial realms, you can focus the majority of your efforts on drawing shimmery, sparkly shit. Compelling narratives be damned!

  93. Uncle Lumpy
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#87):

    Yeahbut it’s first-declension mephistidae, right? I’m hoping so, anyway:

    Conrad’s career has gone rancid –
    This Bizarro gig pretty much cans it.
    Life has lost its bouquet:
    Sicut semper est me-
    Phitidarum sic gloria transit
    .

  94. Dale
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#53):

    MARY WORTH

    I hope you’re right about that cake being made of whatever that yellow stuff is. I didn’t want to learn that John Diddlefingers violated a chocolate cake with pink glop. And, if a cake isn’t chocolate, what good is it?

  95. Here come the Judge
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: April and Randy don’t want to spend a bunch of money on a big wedding. Instead, we’re going on a cruise to Acapulco! What a money-saver! Those Parkers sure are a thrifty bunch.

  96. Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#34): To me, the Marvin artwork always looks like it was cribbed from something else–Disney movies, maybe, or old collections of Calvin and Hobbes– even though Armstrong seems to be running an unending, uninteresting experiment with changing the relative sizes of his characters’ body parts. I remember reading an interview with him once where he was all “Oh, I never stop experimenting, I’m making the feet really big now, isn’t it fascinating,” but it never seems to generate any humorous effect within the comic.

    On an unrelated note, I’m always slightly annoyed to see Marvin depicted as literate (he’s shown typing at a keyboard on a regular basis), given that he’s a preverbal infant and all.

  97. Gal Friday
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#18):

    Is this a call for the Anglicans/Episcopalians to rise up?! I, too, am an Episcopalian . . .

  98. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#75): The house where my family lived when I was born had a door from the kitchen to the bedroom my brother and I shared. My earliest memory is of the smell of ammonia – Mom washing the kitchen floor after she got us into bed.

  99. Will
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    CS: Kind of choked on the art, didn’t they? Or is the Charlie Brown tree more of a Moses bush?

    Zits: Either Jeremy’s leg is on backwards, or they beat him to a pulp in order to make him more comfy.

  100. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#93): Methinks some of our Mudgeons suffer from the heartbreak of mephitis.

  101. tb4000
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: So your toddler has the ability to construct full sentences via crayon, and yet you continue to be without holy water.

  102. wossname
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#83):

    Well, ok. I thought it worked well in the singular, since we were just talking about the estimable Conrad here. “So passes the glory of the skunk.” But if you must have plural, the genitive plural of mephitis should be mephitium. But then you’d have to change the verb to plural as well. Let’s see, fourth conjugation, should be “transiunt”.

    So. “Sic transiunt gloria mephitium.”

    I bow to your expertise in Latin, but — but — since the subject of the verb is “glory,” not “skunks,” the verb should remain singular. N’est-ce pas?

  103. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    JP – “No, the desire to elope has nothing to do with wanting to save money – we are Parkers, after all – what were you thinking? No, it is just a passive-agressive swipe at Katherine. You see, I’ve always resented the way you latched on to my father and then started acting as if I was some long-lost slightly younger brother. Hell, if I just wanted to elope I would have done it old-school, i.e. without announcing my intentions in advance. But that would have deprived me of the enjoyment I’m experiencing at getting to see daddy’s trophy wife freak out and take it out on dad. Do you mind if I open another bottle of wine? Alcohol will only make this more delicious!”

  104. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#93): Conrad is apparently a common striped skunk, Mephitis mephitis. The family is Mephitidae, which includes other critters. Mephitis is certainly the third declension, but mephitidae appears to be the plural of mephitida, which would have to be first.

    // This site, excuse me, forum changed from an Episcopalian worship and slide rule focus, to Latin grammar so gradually I hardly noticed. And now, it seems there are people insisting on talking about comic strips, if you can believe it!

  105. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#104): it seems there are people insisting on talking about comic strips, if you can believe it!

    Stop infantalizing us, you hidebound literalists!!

  106. Ralph
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    How do you know that you’re trying too hard to be cool? When you sneer at a cartoon of people remembering their dead grandparents.

  107. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#102): Rem acu tetigisti.

    Very good point. It should be singular, even if “skunk” becomes plural. Unless, of course you were talking about the “glories” of skunks, in which case “gloria” should be “gloriae”.

    // Pardon me, I have to go write “Romani ite domum” on a wall 100 times now.

  108. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#85): We saw a red corgi with an undocked tail on our walk this morning; he looked like a particularly happy fox.

  109. Dood
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    So, curiously, pluggers bury their favorite articles of clothing in a cemetary? Farewell, Houndstooth. Goodbye, Wellington.

  110. pastordan, is not aware of all internet conventions
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#80): Are you sure that doesn’t make me a Unitarian? I’m told coffee is their one and only sacrament…

  111. endless sky
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#67): What? You think that Reed Hoover may be MIA? The Plugger Supreme? Someone please check to see if any of his gems have appeared recently. I would hate to think he’s taken that one-way trip down Memory Lane

  112. pastordan, is not aware of all internet conventions
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

  113. gleeb
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, is not aware of all internet conventions (#110): Apart from those who prefer tea. They welcome all beliefs.

  114. TheDiva
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#84): S-M: The chimp and Spider-Man are both breaking and entering, but only Spidey has done property damage to the museum. Lotsa luck convincing the Clark County sheriff that Kraven and his simians are the criminals here.

    I’m really looking forward to the Spider-Man/CSI crossover. I really want to see what Grissom* has to say about a guy in a spandex bodysuit chasing a monkey through a museum.

    *Yes, I know he’s no longer on the show, but let me dream!

  115. Calico
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

  116. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#2): I laughed. I’m going to hell.

    @Oregonian (#6): COTW-worthy!

    @DC20WillSave (#19): Plugger family trees have many branches lying on the ground, unconnected.

    @Doctor Handsome (#35): Eww yuck. Funny but yucky.

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#36): Yeah, the only way Spiderman is finding out your secret is if it’s on the teaser for the 6 o’clock news during “Wheel.”

    @Downpuppy (#38): I saw the movie on a huge digital screen in London. M and Bond looked wrinkly and pockmarked. The commercial before the movie starring Kevin Bacon looked like The Cryptkeeper in Bacon’s clothing.

  117. Marc
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#77): We got my mom one of those Charlie Brown trees for Christmas last year.

  118. Marc
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Hi & Lois- Umm are we sure that’s Dot’s “friend” and not actually Dot herself. That kid looks exactly like Dot just with a wig. Holy incest batman.

    If somebody else mentioned that and I just missed it, I apologize. But damn is that creepy.

  119. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    ASM: I don’t know if any of you are chimp trainers, but if so, perhaps you could explain to me how one trains a chimp to break into a museum and steal one particular object. Did Kraven dress him up and sneak him in? And if so, did he have to pay a child’s or an adult’s admission fee?

  120. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#318):

    Flatulence Alley: Does a bear eat annoying children in the woods?

    2 Kings 2:23–24

  121. Calico
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#104):
    I went to my Veterinarian’s office this AM to give a bag of Xmas goodies to him and his wife and the rest of the staff, and we were discussing my improvement in French, and how it is pretty easy for me to understand medical terminology in general (for animal and human care) as the basis is mostly Latin.
    I’m no scholar, but I enjoy finding the origins of words and phrases, much like some folks enjoy crossword puzzles. I like seeing the “crossover” elements of language as well.

  122. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#120): DON’T MAKE FUN OF MY BALD SPOT.

  123. Calico
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#118):
    I like how the tree, floor, most of the background, and Lois’s sweaterpuppy top are black. Keep up the awesome color palettes, Walker-Browne Enterprises!

  124. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    For a definitive ruling on whether the Latin translation of “skunk” in the genitive case should be mephitidi, mephitiis, mephitis, mephitidarum, mephitium, or maybe even mephistidae, let’s ask someone who should be an authority.

    Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  125. Calico
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#120):
    Now I’m wondering if this passage was the inspiration for a piece of “Cartman’s Silly Hate Crime”, featuring Phil Collins Hill, and a bear that eats one if not more of the sledding children.
    http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Kings+2%3A23-24&version=NIV

  126. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#120): One of my favorite passages. So moving. A lesson to us all.

  127. Greg
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    Archie: The irony is that Marvin had used Archie’s kitchen sink to poop in, and mortally clog it to the max. At least Marvin used some sort of plumbing device for his shit. Progress!

  128. DeLand DeLakes
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    You know who *else* learned to read and write before learning to use the toilet?: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Need_to_Talk_About_Kevin_%28film%29

  129. Droopy Says
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#120): Good, maybe that’s a sign of the impending Apocalypse. Mayan, Christian, Norse–I don’t care. When I look at the characters and stories anthropoid-images and event-sequences in Gasoline Alley, I’ll take any apocalypse I can get.

    Pluggers: “To die, to be *really* dead, that must be glorious!” Pluggers know what Lugosi meant.

    Pluggers, again: There’s an old, obscure saying: “Clean’r than a hound’s tooth.” Which adds a certain irony to the run-down look of Pluggers.

  130. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#120): Alas, The Brick Testament hasn’t gotten to 2 Kings yet. I wish the Rev. Smith would get on with it, as his is the most important version of the Bible since, I dunno, Erasmus.

  131. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#67): Reed Hoover has his very own Top 10 List.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#69): It surprises me not that you live in a century-old house. I can see you sitting in the parlour in a dressing gown, smoking a pipe whilst perusing the comics on a steampunk iPad.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#87): The first declension comes about 20 minutes after a meal at the Toxic Taco.

    @TheDiva (#114): I’d rather see what Freud has to say about a man in spandex chasing a monkey through a museum. Ditto for Dan Savage.

  132. HAnzMFG
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#92): Don’t knock it, at least we didn’t get purple prose dialogue and instead of looking at a twisted caricature of the author, we get to see the busty mermaid chick.

  133. Droopy Says
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    FW: Crazy dreams of being Tarzan? That’s setting the bar awfully high, because ERB’s Tarzan taught himself to read, had a charismatic power to command the beasts, attracted women and never whined. Crazy, who grew up in Funkytown, didn’t even have the advantage of being an orphan raised by apes.

  134. Casino LF
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Lupin The 3.1415926th (#86): Sounds better than “Jack Reacher,” frankly.

    @gleeb (#82) and @Liam (#79) re: JP: HEAD ASPLODE

  135. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    NOTE TO JOSH: The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 learned how humans eat by observing Elly “Foob” Patterson drool, chomp, slurp, munch-ing her way through butter tarts.

    When Lucy Ricardo got the same look on her face as Mary Worth’s last panel, Fred Mertz called the police to prepare for the wacky hijinks that were impending, values of “hijinks” to include infernos, decapitations, and mass suicides.

  136. Liam
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    Garfield Minus Garfield-”Ellen, have you heard of Shallow Grave Place because that is where you are going.”

  137. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#130): Indeed. At least he has reached the prophesy of Rex Morgan’s visit to the party tonight with Snarky and Bugs. 1 Rex 14:24

  138. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Lupin The 3.1415926th (#86): I always thought “Rip Snorter” would be a great name for an action hero.

  139. Calico
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#60):
    Ew, our Tortie ate either a mole or bird this summer and it got stuck. $700 and X-rays and an oil enema later, plus antibiotics and painkillers, she shat out the offending material. (Yes, I smelled her ass at intervals, to suss out how the process was going, it’s disgusting but that is what dedicated pet owners do).
    Now as far as Jeffy is concerned, I think he might need a quart of oil, some garlic bulbs, and an Exorcism.

  140. Gringo
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    WHat I took away from today’s Pluggers is the implication that Chicken Lady and Hound Man share the same grandparents. Pluggers: incestous, inbred, and lovin’ every minute of it as they glide toward the grave.

  141. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#131): Let’s just not mention what’s in the pipe, ‘k?

  142. Ian Beste
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#139): Re: pets. I’ve had to go poop-probing on a few occasions for both dogs and horses. I’ll take Ol’ Paint over Rover any day.

    Re: FC. Start with the exocism and you might be able to save a few bucks on the oil.

  143. Gringo
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#51): Want help getting rid of a smile? That’s easy. Just read 9 Chickweed Lane

    That’s COTW material right there.

  144. Ian Beste
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#131): Dan Savage on chasing a monkey in spandex through a museum: DTMFA (Dump the Monkey Flee-er Already)

  145. Downpuppy
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#104): Oh, you kids. In my day Mustelidae were one big happy family. Now Mustelidae’s been kicked up to superfamily & Mephitidae are a family of their own.

    Sniff. They grow up so fast.

  146. Peanut Gallery
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#18): But I still haven’t figured out why you’re using “Pasdor” instead of “Pastor.” Is it Spanish? Is it an Internet Convention that I’m Not Familiar With?

  147. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    While the gentlemen Mudgeons retreat to the drawing room with their cigars and fine old sherry to discuss Latin declensions and the finer points of the Anglican Rite, meanwhile, ladies, my ISP homepage says “Hugh Jackman talks about his fertility struggle.” Now close your eyes and picture HJ struggling with his fertility. Mmmmm.
    //you’re welcome!

  148. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    Agnes: If you haven’t been following the Windella story here, you should check it out. A lovely, dark thing. Reminds me of Edward Gorey.

  149. Joshua
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    I can’t help but feel that this Pluggers is a gauntlet thrown down at Funky Winkerbean.

  150. little_e-
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Haha, Archie shat in the sink and now it’s clogged.

    Too bad Archie doesn’t understand plungers.

  151. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#141): I ain’t sayin’ nothin’. If you want to smoke shredded Funky Winkerbeans, more power to you.

    @Ian Beste (#142): You know, once in a while I think about getting a pet. I’ll bookmark this thread for when that happens next time.

    @lynn (#147): Another thing I’d like to hear Freud or Dan Savage comment on.

  152. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#146): Hah! I KNEW he was an imposter!

    // I should have suspected. Fellow was completely unsound about rubrics, and had some wild theory about the price of LEGOs.

  153. Shrug, the Semi-Civil Civil Servant
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#148):

    Seconded. Although my favorite recent AGNES was the one a few days ago in which she reported one of the ants in her ant farm had become suicidal since Agnes transferred her from civil service to aphid milking. That one went up on my office wall at work.

    /// (I’m still civil service; it’s just that the library has added aphid milking to my previous responsibilites.)

    ///// Anyone know where to find one of those tiny little milking stools?

  154. odinthor
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    Candorville. — But . . . but he’s very decisively not desire “incarnate.” He appears to be rocking Desire Spiritualized instead. Humph! That’s how it always is with these Sources of all Evil. Lots of big talk, but lies, lies, lies.

    Cow and Boy.Matrix ripoff? And here I was getting an H.B. Warner (“Chang”) in Lost Horizon vibe. Eh, I suppose I should watch some movies made after 1940.

    GT. — My uncle proved the doctors wrong. They said he had a month to live, and he died three weeks later. Take that, fancy pants know-it-all medical establishment!

    HtH. — More medical shenanigans. Hagar will have quite a sail to undertake to fill his prescription: Both tomatoes and potatoes were confined to the New World in Viking times.

    H&J. — Drugs do that to ya too, man.

    Spidey. — How does Spidey know that the chimp isn’t just looking for a clean restroom? Your better class of chimp always wants to attain relief in a hygienic and well-maintained facility.

  155. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Builder of a museum in Vegas: Hey, Designer! You didn’t put any windows in this thing!

    Designer of a museum in Vegas: Yeah, but didn’t you notice that I put widely spaced bars to cover the openings?

    Builder: Oh, right. They’ll never be able to slide children, artwork or crown jewels through these. Good thinking.

  156. Mikey
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @Lupin The 3.1415926th (#86): Of course Rip Houndstooth would have a sly wit and an English accent. At super hero conventions he’d openy insult Spiderdouche and he wouldn’t even know he’d just been insulted in front of everybody. He’ just have a big big “??!!” with lines radiating outward from it floating above his head while everyone else laughed….

  157. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    HtH: Ha! Hagar gets the wrong medication! He would sue, except that there was no real litigation for medical malpractice in medieval Norway. On the other hand, Hagar routinely runs into lawyers, beaureaucrats and insurance salesmen, so perhaps my knowledge of this era is incomplete. Since Walker/Browne are basing a strip on this period for the past four decades, I’d say that they must be leading authorities on the Viking world.

    Is my logic not valid?

  158. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Ralph (#106): You know when you’ve crossed the line in “cloyingly cute” when you write a cartoon about dead grandparents.

    Maybe I’ll write a strip with two naked kids in a graveyard called “Death Is… ”

    No, no! Don’t get like that! Those naked kids will be alive, ok? They’ll just hanging out in a graveyard. With big, cutesy eyes. And a gushy quote about love and death and eternity. And they’re inexplicably naked.

  159. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#151): Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes Hugh Jackman’s fertility is just Hugh Jackman’s fertility. (I think Einstein said that.)

  160. Voshkod
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    You know you’re a plunger if people rely on you in sticky situations.

    - from the hit comic strip Plungers

  161. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    JP: I still don’t see the rationale why Katherine can’t at least attend the ceremony. It can be performed by the captain of the Love Boat, but she just wants to see it. For God’s sake, Randy, stop being a dick.

  162. bbofun
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Here come the Judge (#95): Judge, Jr. knows very well a cruise the Acapulco won’t cost a dime. He’s a Parker! All he has to do is show up at the dock and he’ll somehow get free passage. Or, more likely, the ship.

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#51): Re: Moby Dick, the Saturday morning cartoon. Okay, that link took me straight back to childhood. Y’all gonna want to get comfy, ’cause this may take a while-

    Every character/show featured on that cover was absolute AWESOMENESS (at least to a 6-7 year old, as I was). The Herculoids, however, were the best. A vaguely caveman/barbarian-ish leader, his gorgeous wife, and their “pets”- a dragon who flew and shot frickin’ lasers, a triceratops (total win for any 6-year-old) who was armored like a tank and shot energy balls out of its horn, and Gleep and Gloop- two amorphous blobs that could stretch and form bridges, slingshots- whatever was needed. Protecting their little corner of the universe!

    Not as good (and not pictured) was Frankenstein, Jr.- a flying giant robot superhero, who was friends with/controlled by a young lad (yeah, pretty much a rip-off of GIGANTOR). The funniest thing about Frank, Jr. was that he, the giant robot, who looked like a cross between the Universal Frankenstein’s monster and Magilla Gorilla, with an antenna on its head, WORE A MASK. Yeah. 20-foot-tall robot wore a mask. I guess, to protect his secret identity?

    Sorry. I get few opportunities to spout off about this stuff. Carry on.

  163. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

  164. bbofun
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Quick note- it is possible I mad a mistake or two in my remembrances of things past- chalk it up to hard livin’.

  165. bbofun
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Or “made” a mistake. Oy.

  166. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#166): We’ll chalk it up to hard livin’.

  167. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#165): You know you should have used ‘preview’ when your post makes less sense than the spam at #162.

  168. Liam
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    FW-”My dream is to go around semi-naked all day long but the law put a stop to that one day.”

    MW-Strange isn’t the word I would use. I would use queer.

    MW 2-”C’mon, Mary, who would take a balding middle age man as a cake decorator seriously. You know that the cake decorating business is full of hot young women in their twenties.”

    MW 3-”Why just be okay with it when you realize that dream as we play “Mary Worth Make My Dream Come True”?

  169. CEH3rd
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#148): “Just then her Mom yelled that the chest of drawers was on fire and all of their clothes were burning up. Windella shut her pie hole after that.” Genius.THE WASHINGTON POST ran AGNES on their kid’s page for about three days before the mail condemning this strip as too strange and dark for children sent it back with the rest of the comics.

    On a different topic – not that I’m a huge MARVIN fan or anything (though I enjoy humor revolving around human waste as much as the next person), but is there a new artist ghosting the strip these days? It seems a bit more streamlined in its look, with a cleaner line – more of an actual “style.” In short, Marvin almost looks human.

  170. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @CEH3rd (#170): You may find some mass media here at the Comics Curmudgeon, but are you finding any culture? I think not. (Don’t let Scudder fool you. IRL he’s some redneck sitting in his shotgun house in a trucker cap.)

  171. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#165): Don’t worry about it. If you did make any mistakes, I’m sure they’ll be corrected when Ted Forth makes his next posting here.

  172. Liam
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Marvin-Tomorrow Marvin learns how to spell the word ‘redrum’.

  173. Marc
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#123): The decor of the Flaggston house matches up perfectly with their worldview. Bleak and depressing as all hell, and that’s how Lois like it. If the house were brighter, it might liven up the spirits of her family, thus loosening the insane amount of control she has over them.

  174. Dr. P and the Women
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: It’s surprising that Rex is being so much friendlier with the two young shirtless guys than he has with any of the wome-snrrrk, couldn’t even make it all the way through that sentence without laughing.

  175. This Guy
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    OTF: What am I even looking at here? Is this an undisguised Apple commercial, proclaiming that iOS has many more apps on offer? Is it saying that iPhone users are just obsessed with shiny things and clutter their devices with unnecessary shit?

    6C: What the… airplane mode? So you can turn off the baby’s radios? What the hell is this?

    But the very worst thing of all is that I couldn’t find a third bad, confusing technology joke today. Lousy lousy comics.

    // Adopt, adapt, and improve…

    H&J: If Bentley is trying to argue against the very notion of faith via cautionary example, he’s doing a bang-up job.

    DT: Uncomfortably depicts a man in a car with a young girl, telling her “This is a secret. NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW.”

  176. Calico
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    @lejligheder næstved (#162):
    I agree, Hagar and family! Very well put.

  177. Calico
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#167):
    Hard living, Mary Worth style:
    Having someone steal your thunder at the Charterstone whatever party, with a pink pony cake

  178. greghousesgf
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#114): I miss Grissom too.

  179. Amino Man
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @lejligheder næstved (162) You remind me of Pearl, Brain Guy and Gypsy when they had been absorbed by the collective.

  180. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#170): (Don’t let Scudder fool you. IRL he’s some redneck sitting in his shotgun house in a trucker cap.)

    Rats! Outed again!

  181. lynn
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#180): Yes, I see you now in the clear light of day. What a game we play on our internet websites, do we not? Oh, Scudder, Scudder, I tried to leave you behind me, but I am more faithful than I intended to be!

  182. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#161): No kidding. Not wanting a huge, ostentatious wedding? Reasonable. Not allowing your closest loved ones to be there? Dick move.

  183. Uncle Lumpy
    December 19th, 2012 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#182):

    Dick move.

    Randy just wants to fit in.

  184. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#183): Fire up the Harry Chapin soundtrack.

  185. Nekrotzar
    December 19th, 2012 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#81):
    In fact I know a bakery where a cake decorator has recently died under mysterious circumstances

    Are Wallace and Grommit investigating?

  186. Bill
    December 19th, 2012 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    PLUGGERS: “RIP Houndstooth”???? So they bury Pluggers bodypart by bodypart?!
    (RIP Tailfeather; snakeskin; left, front, middle claw…)

  187. Peanut Gallery
    December 19th, 2012 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#104):

    This site, excuse me, forum changed from an Episcopalian worship and slide rule focus, to Latin grammar so gradually I hardly noticed.

    Indeed, a funny thing happened on the way to this forum.

    // “Rancens conivent-faba foetet.” — Albert Einstein

  188. Peanut Gallery
    December 19th, 2012 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#124): The three verb forms that describe Conrad are as follows, and I quote, “Stink, Stank, Stunk!”

  189. Horace Broon
    December 19th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses (#96):

    I’ve always assumed that Marvin just hammers away at the keys, the way pre-verbal toddlers do, while the thought bubble shows us what he thinks he’s writing. There’s probably strips that contradict this somewhere, though..

  190. yaoi huntress earth
    December 19th, 2012 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#92): Actually it’s more about finding an excuse for new and exotic ways to have the female characters get mutilated, tortured and/or spread their legs for something.

  191. Dartpaw86
    December 19th, 2012 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    Silly Archie the plunger is supposed to go under the water.

  192. Zerowolf
    December 19th, 2012 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    JP: Maybe I’m being a little pendantic, but if you tell someone you are eloping and where you are eloping, are you really eloping? Seems to me its more like, we’re getting married and we don’t want you around when we do.

  193. Girl Reporter
    December 19th, 2012 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#147): Unfortunately the picture in my head was ruined when, as he struggled, these sharp blade-thingies popped out of his knuckles.

  194. Comcis Fan
    December 19th, 2012 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Evan is pissed mostly because he went to sleep as Robert Redford in “Barefoot in the Park” and woke up as Evan in Apartment 3G.

  195. Alison
    December 19th, 2012 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: Gah, Mary is just so damn pushy it makes me insane. When the hell is somebody going to tell her to back off. All a guy says is that he likes to bake cakes and now this harpy is going to spend months nattering about how he should open a bakery. I bet she’ll wake him up in the middle of the night with her face pressed against the window, hissing, “Bakery! Bakery!” until he either opens one or is driven stark raving mad.

    “Archie”: SPLOOSH SPLOOSH SLURP SLURP SLURP SPLOOSH, eh? Sounds like someone invited the Pattersons over for dinner again.

    “Luann”: Good strategy Toni. “Um, well, no, this man we’ve been waiting to see is not really Santa.” I think even a well-behaved child would be upset over hearing this. Can’t blame Shannon for wanting to leave.

  196. Liam
    December 19th, 2012 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers-”Remember those jokes he grandpa made that we thought were funny at the time but then we found out later that grandpa was racist.”

  197. Uncle Lumpy
    December 19th, 2012 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#194):

    … he went to sleep as Robert Redford in “Barefoot in the Park” and woke up as Evan in Apartment 3G.

    Even worse, he couldn’t get “The Way We Were” out of his head.

  198. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    A3J All right! This is getting really interesting!
    Well, okay, no, it isn’t. But I figured I’d never get the chance to say that here.

    Luann Oh, darn! I just knew Shannon would bite Santa. Disappointed again.

  199. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#195):

    “Mary Worth”: Gah, Mary is just so damn pushy it makes me insane. When the hell is somebody going to tell her to back off. All a guy says is that he likes to bake cakes and now this harpy is going to spend months nattering about how he should open a bakery. I bet she’ll wake him up in the middle of the night with her face pressed against the window, hissing, “Bakery! Bakery!” until he either opens one or is driven stark raving mad.

    “It doesn’t have to be only a dream, John. It can be your worst nightmare, and I can make that happen!”

  200. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#85): Thank you! My day mostly consisted of a bad meeting and a flat tire, so this flower is especially appreciated.

  201. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#108): *sqweeee@mental image

  202. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#162): I *loved* the Herculoids as a child. They had their own show when I was able to watch them.

    You forgot Igoo, the Rock Ape.

  203. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#196): “We’re taking Porch Monkey back”

  204. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#200): you are more than welcome, O Fabled Queen Poteet.

  205. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#108): Please pardon my assuming you’d know, but why do some dogs get their tails docked? Is there a health benefit of some kind?

  206. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#139): WOW. I had absolutely no idea that was possible. Thank you for giving me a new perspective on my day, which suddenly looks a whooole lot better. And so does cleaning the litter.

  207. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#205): mostly breed standards. As such, it tends to offend some folks who consider it unnecessary, much like clipped ears. (have you ever seen a Doberman without clipped ears? They so silly!)

    Pemmis are bred to be tailless, iirc.

  208. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#187):

    Like John Henry Newman, I have developed serious doubts about the Anglican Church’s position on monophysitism. After much soul searching, and constant study of Scripture, the Brick Testament, and the writings of the early Fathers, I have decided to leave the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and become a Latter Day Evangelical Reformed Druid.

    // “J’ai toujours rêvé d’être un décorateur de gâteau.” Albert Camus, Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech, 1958

  209. Sgt. Stoned
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Dig the girl’s pose: future hooker of America, or, more to the point, future sterotypical hooker of America.

    MW: “Never give it away if you can sell it”. Principles of Capitalism/Hookerism 101.

  210. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#205): …why do some dogs get their tails docked? Is there a health benefit of some kind?

    No health benefit that I’ve ever heard of. It’s an aesthetic thing, and a bad aesthetic at that. There is a practical advantage if you are raising fighting dogs, as there is less for their opponents to grab on to. This is the same reason some fighting dogs have their ears docked as well.

    // So, chalk it up to stupidity and cruelty, and fashion.

  211. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    Been hella holla day busy, so I couldn’t get a darn thing done yesterday. Today I finally found time to read all the comics, and I will now share with you the awesome fruits of my labor.

    Marfield – Marvin can’t talk, so he writes pretty much grammatic questions on the wall in neat printing. You can’t tell me an infant did that. He must have had Marmaduke do it.

    Ta da! Cool, huh? That’s all I’ve got, and I skipped two days of comments, so somebody else could have said the exact same thing and I won’t know it until I get slapped for it.

    Oh, and here’s one of the things I was so busy with. Merry Christmas, everybody! I may not be around a whole lot, but I’ll try and manage to come by and make loud noises by the back door and then run away. Booga! Booga booga!

  212. Steve from Pismo
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    If Marvin’s favorite thing is “Number 2″, it’s only appropriate that it’s displayed on his jersey.

  213. Jamus The Bartender
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#72): To quote the wise Brock Samson, “I’ve never been that drunk, and i’ve never been that desperate.”

  214. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#211): And Merry Christmas to you, too! Enjoy your holidays!

  215. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#143): Why must you jinx me so?

  216. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#146): It’s a misspelling bestowed upon me by Monsignor Scudder.

  217. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#211): It’s been a year already since your last newsletter? Wow. Impressive achievements. You’re getting ANOTHER degree? You can try but you’ll never be as smart as Sheldon Cooper. Bazinga!

  218. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#42): Aviatrix! It’s old home week! Haven’t heard from you in an age.

  219. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#216):

    Did I? Oh, I suppose I did.

    Sorry. Would you like a cupcake? I just baked some. For the float, on Friday. But I can always make more. (I decorated them myself!)

  220. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#42): Hey! Hi! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

    @Poteet (#205): & @Nehemiah Scudder (#210): Agreed—It’s pretty much cosmetic, and I pretty much don’t like it. Let them flop and wag as nature intended!

  221. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#211): Cute picture of you all!

  222. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#220):

    Let them flop and wag as nature intended!

    Wait — what are we talking about again?

  223. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#219): Are they pink, with ponies rampant? Because if they are, don’t let a certain biddy catch sight of them; she’ll be on you like mayo on a Weston.

  224. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#219): I just had a Christmas candy from my piano teacher and some Rye Bread beer. I’m <urp> good.

  225. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#211): Isn’t the Corning Museum interesting? We visited it about 20 years ago on a trip through the Finger Lakes district and I expected to be bored out of my skull. Instead I could have spent another hour or so.

  226. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#223): Are they pink, with ponies rampant?

    No. Purple, in honor of my promotion to monsignor. With perfectly sculpted icing LEGO bricks on top. Here, have a couple! They go well with mojitos.

  227. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#226): There are no more mojitos.

  228. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#227): Not the way Mark Trail has been sucking them down, there aren’t. Have you seen that guy’s bar tab? Close to $2 mill, is what I heard.

  229. This Guy
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#223): I’m not going to try blazoning that.

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#224): Please tell me the beer doesn’t have caraway seeds in it.

  230. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#227): Si le mohito n’existait pas, il faudrait l’inventer. Albert Camus

  231. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 19th, 2012 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#228): Mark has been looking a bit dozy lately, hasn’t he? I mean, more than usual.

  232. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:01 am [Reply]

  233. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#230): “But if the mohito existed, we would have to drink it”* Albert Camus

    * In the French tongue.

  234. Droopy Says
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Once again, how did Kraven train Moe to run this caper? How does Moe see the laser beams? How was Moe able to shift his course in mid-air to swing around those intangible light beams? What’s wrong with the alarm system, and are there any closed-circuit TVs? Is there anything right with this picture?

    Crappy Wankergeek: “So have you missed being a mailman?” Is that Cancerstani for “Do you miss your old job?”

    Gasoline Alley: If there ever was a time when a bear should shit in the woods, it’s now, with Boog staring up his tailpipe. (And has anyone else noticed the similarity to today’s Phantom?)

    Phantom: “What’s this? A red button that says ‘Reset’? What happens if I push it?”

    Family Circus: So Dolly thinks that if she ever reproduces, may Darwin protect us, she will be able to hop off the delivery table and shop?

    Mock Travail: So here’s Editorbillellis, with two million dollars in cash and with what, in the Caribbean, certain people refer to as “the opportune moment.”

    Pluggers: I remember this one, and I still don’t understand how you can get a paper cut from thick, soggy cardboard.

    Shoe: So pricey restaurants charge high prices. Why was I not told this until now?

  235. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#227): No! Who had the last of the mojitos?

  236. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#234) on Gasoline Alley: Yup. That bear’s in for a rude shock when he turns around and sees those dead coal-lump eyes.

  237. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos (#214): Thanks!

    @Baka Gaijin (#217): Naw, still working on the same degree as last year. I’m just taking one class at a time, so I can savor being a senior for almost as long as I savored my first seven years of college.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#221): Thanks! I keep thinking how nice it would be to have lunch with you and that crazy squirrel guy again some time.

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#225): Yes! I was prepared to find glass interesting, having seen some lovely stuff in museums, but the Corning collection really did top them all. Cute little old former company town, too, complete with a new Wegman’s.

    @Droopy Says (#234): Gasoline Alley also reminded me of Rip Haywire, which has been doing a parallel bear story for a couple of days (and is now getting set to move on, being an inventive sort of strip and all).

  238. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#235): I suspect that reverend fellow — or the pastor.

  239. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    FW — “Of course it was nice getting decent pay and benefits, but I’ve learned to live on Ramen noodles and the old vegetables I find in grocery dumpsters, and I’ve got enough aspirin stockpiled to get me through until Medicare. I think.”

  240. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    A3G — This isn’t how real publicity agencies operate, right? I thought so.

  241. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    ASM: Which of the following is the most likely explanation for Thursday’s strip?
    (1) Chimps are transparent to laser beams, so they don’t trigger the alarm.
    (2) Chimps can float in air, so they can hang there and drift between the beams.
    (3) Chimps can swim in air, so they can steer clear of the beams.
    (4) Chimps are writing this strip, and they have been doing so for a long time now.

  242. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    MW — I can’t wait for this to get underway.

  243. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:13 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#241): BWAHAHA! I’d vote for #4, but I have too much respect for chimps.

  244. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    Albert Camus
    Despised barbecue,
    But he always said, “Neat-o!”
    When served a mojito.

    – Conrad Mephitis

  245. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#238): It’s because I’m missing an arm, isn’t it!

  246. jnik
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    Archie – Come to think of it, it DOES sound like my father eating!

  247. Droopy Says
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#241): I’ll go with number four. Chimps are writing this strip, and they have no respect for anyone who’d read it. Let’s face it, when the evolutionary dust settles at the end of the Anthropocene era, the chimps will be the last ones standing.

  248. Droopy Says
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: When you look at those laser beams, it’s obvious that Moe could reach the tiara just by slipping under that cord stretched around the stand. And, er, why is the tiara exposed to the open air? Why isn’t it sealed inside a bullet-proof glass case, which among other things would protect it from vandals and accidents? And why do I give a damn about the overwhelming stupidity of this story in particular, and of Spiderman in general?

  249. gleeb
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    3-G: Look out, Greg, this cat has claws! What’s she going to expose? That’s he’s the same bland, interchangeable man as every other in this strip?

    ‘shaft: Hey, the salesman was just holding out hope that your unfortunate daughter didn’t live with a horrible malapropping misanthrope.

    ‘bean: *CRACK* “No, what?”
    “No, SIR! I enjoy working for minimum wage, without health benefits, selling off what used to be my own for the profit of a grotesque granny-cheating troll.”
    “And don’t forget it.” So last Sunday was just simple incompetence on Batiuk’s part.

    H&L: Chip knows some milk will help keep all that bourbon down.

    Plenty of Parkers: Wow, Randy doesn’t know when to stop sharing, does he? Or maybe he is just letting years of step-mom resentment come to a head.

    Phantom: It’s a lion, duh. You know, this has gone on too long.

    Baldo: And a grifter is born.

  250. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    MT: It is all going according to plan! We will give them the money, stuffed into this giant stone bust of famous wildlife editor Bill Ellis. The ponderous weight of it will sink their small craft. Ha ha!

  251. CanuckDownSouth
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#248): Even if the floor’s alarmed, I think I could reach that tiara with one of those extendable wire grip-claws you use to pick things that fall down cracks.

    We all have now expended waaayy too much energy thinking about this.

  252. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    SM: Humans couldn’t evade those laser beams, but Spidey could web it and get it. Or, he could do his super-spider-agility-whatever and get it. Doesn’t he see by this point that this caper is more of a frame-up than a theft?

    Or, genius Parker could intentionally trip an alarm, drawing the police to the scene. They’d see the monkey with the tiara and they won’t bother looking on the ceiling for Spiderman, posing like Adam in the Sistene Chapel.

  253. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#241): I thought that an infinite number of monkeys was hard at work trying to randomly string together the complete works of William Shakespeare.

    They banged out “Four score and seven years ago… ” but that’s not quite it. They once got “In the beginning, God floated above the waters… ” and that got scrapped. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… ” similarly got rejected by the high monkey counsel, but mostly because that monkey came off like he couldn’t make up his mind.

  254. CanuckDownSouth
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    Santa Royale, where there’s a regular cake design competition downtown! Where cake reputations are made or lost! Somehow I just find this delightful, because in a world of melting faces, nonEuclidean geometry, and copious lavender clothing, I’m imagining a monthly cross between the best of CakeWrecks and the Sandra Dee Kwanzaa cake.

  255. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Pluggers lick the lids of their ice cream and get paper cuts on soft boxboard with rounded edges.

    There are two elements, so I’m confused where the focus should be. Do pluggers get paper cuts on blunt objects, or should the focus be that pluggers have no table manners?

  256. Jesse
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    I am not sure what to make of this, but today’s Archie made me laugh out loud.

  257. Matt
    December 26th, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – Isn’t nostalgia bittersweet by definition?

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