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What the comics pages need are more bear attacks

Gasoline Alley, 12/21/12

As usual, I haven’t been keeping you up on Gasoline Alley’s desultory antics, so let me just do so now very quickly: li’l Boog has been persecuted by bullies, including one nicknamed “Bear,” and they lured him out to the woods to beat the crap out of him, but then an actual bear showed up, and now we get to today where, it is revealed, Boog speaks the secret language of bears, and can command them to do his bidding. Did he learn the ursine tongue when his neglectful grandfather let a bear carry him off, years ago? Probably! But rather than satisfyingly going all 2 Kings 2:23-25 on these kids, Boog the Bearomancer just urges this vicious grizzly to make nice with his “friends”, who have been nothing but mean to him. Unless a crippling sense of shame is a crueler punishment than bloody dismemberment?

Spider-Man, 12/21/12

Do I have an unreasoning hatred of Newspaper Spider-Man? Maaayyyybe. I was all set to go on an unhinged rant about this strip’s dastardly use of “heist” as a transitive verb — a usage I had never heard before — but fortunately I looked it up first. Turns out the use of the word as a verb actually predated its use as a noun, by about 10 years! It’s a variation of “hoist,” and was first used as a slang term for shoplifting in the 1920s. So even the world’s crappiest superhero comic can still teach me things about etymologies, which are among my favorite bits of language trivia. Thanks, Newspaper Spider-Man!

Better Half, 12/21/12

Harriet’s friend is way too sleepy for sex.

B.C., 12/21/12

Having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit? Here’s a cartoon about Santa having trouble not pooping his pants!

227 responses to “What the comics pages need are more bear attacks”

  1. Atheist amongst the flock
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MT: Who should I make the check out to?

    MW: “No, when I’ve got you bent over the kitchen table, it will be me that has your back”. (That is a panel I don’t want to see.)

  2. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Beetle: Between the Halftracks’ passive-drunken-aggressive marriage and the Beetle-Buxley-Sarge love triangle, it’s nice to see at least one character have something of a halfway healthy relationship.

    JP: Gee! If only someone in the family had scads and scads of money to throw at this problem!

    MW: Actually I’m kind of excited now to see how Ernie Kovacs’s cake turns out.

  3. tb4000
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    RMMD: If this was anybody but Rex, those shock lines emanating from his skull would be of thoughts of lesbian orgy, but this is in fact Rex we’re dealing with.

  4. AhClem
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    MW – At first I thought that the massive explosion in the second panel was the onset of the Mayan apocalypse. No such luck — it’s just the glow of Mary’s impending biddygasm.

  5. endless sky
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    BB: Does Sarge know what really happens on those arranged “dog dates”? From the look on Otto’s face, I think HE does.

  6. Arabella
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    BC: OK, today I’m getting the cultural reference. Unfortunately.

  7. Chareth Cutestory
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    B.C.: There are several results that pop up when you Bing the keywords “Santa + physics” and they’re all tongue-in-cheek analysis of the impossible speeds, energy, whatever Santa would need to achieve for his holiday mission. You’ve probably seen these things before, I’m sure. I’m going to spend the rest of my morning factoring in new defecation-related variables now. Finally! I’m going to be published!

  8. Mary Worthless
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Mmmmmmmmm

    Fondant covered salmon squares.

    Dill is sure to win.

  9. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    As the world did not come to an end, I must regretfully withdraw the offers I made to various and sundry men on this site.
    //gotta find me a new schtick

  10. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Josh, Proverbs 25:22-24 is probably what you were looking for in re: Gasoline Alley. (Shouldn’t it be Pastor Dan pointing this out?)

  11. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#9): But it did come to an end. How come you didn’t notice?

    Bad Lynn! No more Scudder for a week!

  12. debz
    December 21st, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MW — Hail Mary, full of cake…

  13. Ranger
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    GT: RECYCLE PANEL ALERT! It’s like they’ve given up trying to draw a crowd.

  14. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    A3G: “I never hire relatives, any more than I’d switch ears in mid-sentence while talking on the telephone!”

    Meanwhile, to show us that he is indeed a versatile enough actor to play a master of disguise like super-spy James Bond, in Panel 2 Greg transforms himself into Henry Silva doing an impersonation of George Takei.

    Bizarro: That’s gross. Sam, to be precise.

    Blondie: That’s ironic – even before I reached the punch line, something about that cartoon had me thinking of bowling balls.

  15. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Phantom: in today’s episode, Walker discovers that Fluffy uses Norplant.

  16. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Meanwhile, in FW panel 3, Cayla has been replaced with a twelve-year old stand-in.

  17. Mary Worthless
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Is their a feud in the Moy/Giella camp?

    It is well documented that food is not well represented in a realistic manner in the Worthverse, so did a spat between Ms Moy and Mr Giella result in Ms Moy going down the path of depicting arguably the height of culinary art work. If you have ever seen a competition yo know that a pink cylinder with horses (goats? llamas?) on the side would not even merit a sneer from Kerry Vincent.

    Ice on, Mary.

  18. beltsander
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#2):

    Ernie Kovacs? I though it was Mr. Whipple. “Mary, please don’t squeeze the frosting!”

  19. Baka Gaijin
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Mark this date: BC was actually funny. The wide eyed look on Santa’s face coupled with his massive behind join to create humor synergy.

  20. Scott Free
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    BC: So what we’re saying here is, Marvin ultimately grows up to be Santa, right? I’ll never look at my stocking the same way again.

  21. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#11): If I were “bad lynn” I’d already have Mr. Scudder. *si….
    //no, no more of that.

  22. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    BC: What sort of gifts does Santa leave under the tree at the Ex-Lax factory? Coupons for White Cloud and Depends? Collections of Marvin and Pluggers?

  23. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    @Mary Worthless (#17): “pink cylinder” *snerk*

  24. Chyron HR
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Boy, if you thought the spam here was bad before, wait until the bots find out this is a site about bears and cougars.

    Mayapocalypse – Congratulations, Shinji!

    Spider-Mensch – J.J.J. needs pictures! Pictures of… Kraven?! B’waaaaaah? (trombone noise)

  25. wossname
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    JP – Hmmm… so the reason Judge Sr. and Mrs. Judge Sr. can’t attend the wedding elopement is because they can’t go to Acapulco? Since everyone in this strip is disgustingly rich, that can’t be the problem. Maybe it’s the Interpol warrants.

    MW – Uh oh – panel 2 is full of “go for your dream” emanations. This is serious.

    RMMD – Apparently everybody in San Diego knows everybody else. Who knew it was such a tight-knit community?

    GT- So, would getting untracked be a good thing? Because it sounds like a bad thing to me.

  26. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Chyron HR (#24): Occasionally the spam is wittier than our comments.

  27. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Did the world end last night? Let’s see….

    9CL – Characters are still obnoxiously oversexed – check

    Crankshaft – No discernable humor, or even an attempt at humor – check

    Funky – Characters are still wallowing in misery – check

    Mark Trail – Characters are still shouting stupid things in bold face – check

    Mary Worth – Mary’s meddlegasm still violates all laws of physics and emits radiation of its own – check

    Sally Forth – Still lights up the comic page with likeable, character-driven humor – check

    Judge Parker – Smug, unlikeable characters still haven’t found a problem money can’t solve – check

    Nope, it seems that life as we know it goes on. Whew!!! When is the next apocalypse scheduled? I want to mark it on my calendar.

  28. Santa Royale With Cheese
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    JP: Any day now, I’m expecting a line in there about “well, I did have a photo of her dad. I put it in my suit pocket, but then I had it Martinized.”

    S-M: Now would be a fantastic time to, you know, foil the heist. Instead Spidey is going to narrate it one thought bubble at a time, just like when he was on The Electric Company.

    (I’m old.)

  29. Marc
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    9CL- The unseen final panels show Amos’s arm ripping out of it’s socket, they crash to the ground, he passes out from the pain, and Edda continues on obliviously dry humping him.

    A3G- I totally forgot that Evan’s last name was Graham. Not that it’s in any way relevant or important though.

    Mark Trail- Careful getting out of that life boat Editor Bill Ellis, you don’t want your pocket protector to fall into those shark infested waters.

    Mary Worth- I can only imagine what this cake competition is going to look like. The collection of yellow circles, the beige squares, the 3 tiered pink concoctions; I can feel my stomach lighting itself on fire already.

    Funky- Some party; The smug douchebag, his fishface doormat of a wife, fat failure Funky, and his personality devoid wife. The latter half of guests spending the whole night huddled on the couch longing for their prick of a son who is off at basic training. Doesn’t a gathering need more than 4 people to be called a party anyways?

    Luann- Kids these days with their ipods, and ipads, and facebook, and jello pudding pudding pops.

    Cranky- That’s the beauty of DVR. Seinfeld and Freinds reruns are shown probably 5 times a day each. So just set a season pass and you can clear out your clutter of tapes. Plus with this being the Batiukverse, if you ever find yourself unemployed, you could probably just sell those tapes to a video store and get enough money back to retire comfortably.

  30. Greg
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    BC: Uh… Shouldn’t Santa be more worried about getting raped by a mastadon? Or Jesus Christ?

  31. Downpuppy
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#25): Yes, San Diego is tiny. I can’t wait for Rex to meet Wembley & Fenway at the party.

  32. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    The world may still be here, but there’s still bad news, you guys: http://tinyurl.com/c8q63qs and it becomes a world full of Les Moores and Peter Parkers.

  33. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Oh, mod person, please remove that last post, URL is incorrect. I was trying to direct to a UK Independent article about the decline in human intelligence. Meh, look it up yourselves.

  34. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): Funky- Doesn’t a gathering need more than 4 people to be called a party anyways?

    Not if an adequate supply of recreational pharmaceuticals is available.

  35. Not Worth It
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    BC: Having trouble not pooping his pants? Look at his expression. I think that ship has sailed.

  36. Joshua
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    #32 & #33: The URL in #32 does go to an article about the decline in human intelligence. Either it has been fixed, or it wasn’t wrong in the first place, but it’s now apparently what Bad Lynn meant to link to.

  37. Digger
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    BC: Santa did the only thing he could in that situation. Let’s just say that giant sack is full of something other than toys and leave it at that.

  38. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    ““I would wager that if an average citizen from Athens of 1000BC were to appear suddenly among us, he or she would be among the brightest and most intellectually alive of our colleagues and companions, with a good memory, a broad range of ideas and a clear-sighted view of important issues,” Professor Crabtree says in a provocative paper published in the journal Trends in Genetics.” Only in the UK would the geneticist be “Professor Crabtree” (in the library with a candlestick). Well, Crabtree, you just haven’t met enough Mudgeons!

  39. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Alley Oop: That’s it? “Boom”? That’s all the apocalypse we get? Very disappointing.

    The Amazing Spider-Man: I’ve decided that the humor in this strip is actually a sophisticated po-mo head fake. What’s funny about it is the creators are laughing at us for expecting something more than JJJ saying for the 3,000th time “Where in blazes is Parker?” Either that, or monkeys are supposed to be funny in and of themselves, especially if they’re named after the Three Stooges. I like my theory better.

    Apt. 3-G: If the world comes to an end today and my last thought is, “They’re holding the weirdest-looking phones I’ve ever seen in Apt. 3-G today,” I’m going to be pissed.

    Arlo and Janis: And here I thought aprons were for playing sexy baker and protecting oneself from molten borax.

    9 Chickweed Lane: $600 for Brooke McEldowney, folks. Phone lines are open, operators are standing by to take your donation.

    Herman: Back in seminary, I once visited a joint in the Adams-Morgan neighborhood of Washington, D.C. It had three floors of bars: “Heaven,” “Purgatory,” and “Hell.” Naturally enough, we went straight for the last one, where I was pleasantly surprised to find that in Hell, you can get a shot of J&aumlat;germeister and a Mickey’s Big Mouth at the bar.

    Judge Parker: Grim! Grim grim grim!! April’s father retired from Westview, Ohio, but he couldn’t escape the grim cancer that pervades that grim little town!!!

    Mark Trail: Oh hey, Bill. Heard you the first time. Don’t worry, everything’s cool. I’ve got some punching to do, then I’ll be right with you.

    Mary Worth: Is it the speed lines or the weird hand gestures that signal here that John Dill is about to discover much, much more than his inner cake boss?

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Well, let’s see. “Upstairs” is not a particularly surprising concept, and this being Rex, he’s not checking out Ginger’s ass. So what could he be so stunned by? My guess is that she’s wearing a stylish Comics Curmudgeon tee-shirt!

  40. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

  41. Holly Folly
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Where is Spiderman? He’s busy not stopping a trained chimpanzee for committing a crime.

  42. Mibbitmaker
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    GA: That’s one of those funny bears from the old Conan Late Night, which is why he’s not deadly dangerous.
    …..No, not THAT bear!

    S-M: That, JJJ, is because Parker — um, Spider-Man — is busy watching a robbery happen, without stopping it! (superhero, everybody!) Probably thinks it’s a TV show or something. Spidey — ARREST THAT CHIMP!

    BC: That’s not the BC Stone Age — that’s the Flintstones’ Stone Age (note the table)! Written by John Kricfalusi, no doubt.

  43. TheDiva
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    BC: Damn, now Marvin will have to think of a new Christmas joke!

    SM: I wonder how long it will take Jameson to realize “Kraven” is in fact a full-size promotional poster set up on the edge of the stage.

  44. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#39): Were there mojitos in Hell?

  45. Voshkod
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    That BC is very significant, methinks. Is this the first time BC has not featured any of its characters? Or anything do to with the hypothetical pre-historic era? That BC could have been any of the pale imitations of The Far Side. Perhaps the Mayans were right, but the world that ended with the world of BC!

  46. TheDiva
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    9CL: Looks like Brooke copped out on the holiday suicide arc.

    BRSG: Next time I host family holidays, I’m making “Apocalypse ham.”

    FW: ….Said nobody, ever.

    MT: “I got to go fishing and everything!”

    MW: Hitler’s finally living out his dream!

  47. Not Just Any Dipstick
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#19): Indeed, but where is the brown stain?

  48. Alter Ego
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    love is…“I saw Mommy blowing Santa Claus…”

  49. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @bad lynn (#38):

    For a contrary viewpoint, there is this: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444032404578006612858486012.html

    “Our ancestors weren’t dumb compared with us, of course. They had the same practical intelligence and ability to deal with the everyday world that we do. Where we differ from them is more fundamental: Rising IQ scores show how the modern world, particularly education, has changed the human mind itself and set us apart from our ancestors. They lived in a much simpler world, and most had no formal schooling beyond the sixth grade. … Modern people do so well on these tests because we are new and peculiar. We are the first of our species to live in a world dominated by categories, hypotheticals, nonverbal symbols and visual images that paint alternative realities. We have evolved to deal with a world that would have been alien to previous generations.”

  50. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Frazz: Poteet, this one’s for you, I believe. I will mention winter-induced dormancy of disease vectors, and increased biodiversity in warmer climes as a starting point.

    A&J: hadaka Arlo! c’mon, Jimmy, do eeeet!

    SBp: *snurk*

    Lio and Doons, *applaz* FW, PMP, not so much.

    Bizarro: old joke is old.

    Lockhorns: old reference is old.

    RwO: *SNURK!!!* o, well played!

    SF: and their hair was perfect.

  51. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .can’t argue with that one.

  52. Clumsy Carp
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Is the Pope Catholic?

    Does Santa shit in his sleigh?

    Does Kayla have cancer?

    Where is Al Jaffee when you need him?

  53. Horace Broon
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    DT: Two days ago, I wrote, “Remember kids, if your grim-faced grandparent drives you out at night and tells you ‘no one must ever know‘ that’s totally fine!” Now we can add “and makes you switch off your cellphone”…

    GA: The fact Boog is a bear-whisperer explains why he never understood the other kids’ hostility towards him…

    FC: It’s a twenty-year-old joke about e-mail, converted into a ten-year-old joke about texting!

    FW: Cayla complains that the Christmas party is like the end of time itself. Funky smirks because he thinks she’s worked out what his uplifting plan is: four-way suicide pact.

    JP: “Well, that’s just selfish and unreasonable of him!”

    OTF: Wait, she’s looking for the list … on a laptop in Santa’s workshop? I’m not sure that’s how “symbolic representation of the virtual world” is supposed to work — either she should be on a laptop in realspace, or physically searching the workshop, surely?

    Phantom: Wait, was I right in suggesting Walker is going to carve an RFID chip out of the lioness?

  54. Mumblix Grumph
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    GA: Boog…your spelling is atrocious!

  55. Optimus Prime Rib
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    If Santa indulges himself at the Ex-Lax factory then one can only imagine what he does at the sex toy factory.

  56. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#49): IQ tests were designed as academic tests by modern humans for modern humans, based on modern education. You think we’d design a test that we’d fail?

  57. Private Plato
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    @bad lynn (#32):

    People have the same amount of intelligence, advances in medicine and technology keep us living longer after ingesting bad salmon casserole, chasing bears into the woods, street hockey, and cancer.

    People are rescued after doing stupid things to go on and do something else equally stupid. Say you lived in a locker and listened to frozen pizzas, then went to work as a mail carrier, and wound up selling your old Baby Huey comics for minimum wage; what would be your next course of action when the Comix Connection let its seasonal help go?

    Discuss.

  58. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan : I saw your note on yesterthread, and I wanted to congratulate you on finishing your 1st teaching semester. You now have 4 weeks (give or take) to regain a bit of your sanity.

  59. Illustrator Steve
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    MT – “MARK! AE YOU ALL RIGHT? I’VE BROUGHT THE MONEY!”

    “Hi Bill! Let me get my duffle bag and rod and tackle box so we can leave this place and resume our bonefish fishing vacation!”

    “”But, MARK! WHO should I give all of this $2,000,000.00 cash random money to?”

    “Um, give the money to me, yeah, that’s it. Just let me have all of the ransom money! Otto will trust me ot send him a check when I get home!”

    “But, but, Mark. I don’t understand! They said I had to get all of this money and birng it or they would…”

    “WHAT’S to understand, Bill? Just shut up and mind your own business! WHO do you think you are by taking matters into your own hands and questioning things that don’t concern you? WHAT, do you think you are Mark Trail for God’s sake? There’s only ONE Mark Trail, Bill!”

    (Bill mutters quietly): “Thank God for THAT! Geesh”

    “WHAT was that remark, Bill?”

    “Oh, nothing, Mark. Just thinking about those bonefish!”

    (End of story arc) The sun shines brighter than ever before across the Carribean skies evaporating the sea and boiling the bonefish while the Myan predictions are carried out. Lost Forest fades away to a black nothingness, much the same as it has always been viewed. (Next story…THE REBIRTH OF LOST FOREST!)

  60. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @bad lynn (#56):

    Me fail test!? That unpossible! Bad Calvin!! No box for you!!!

  61. Horace Broon
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @bad lynn (#38): Only in the UK would the geneticist be “Professor Crabtree”

    Actually, Prof Crabtree seems to be Californian. He’s also not a historian, nor does he appear to have consulted with any in forming his theory. I would also bet that he’s never been a farmer, if he thinks agriculture is simpler than hunter-gathering.

  62. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Private Plato (#57): I anticipate that Crazy Harry will go postal.

  63. Oregonian
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    So newspaper Spider-Man is now teaching lessons in etymology?

    Sounds like Josh has been heisted by his own pet peeve!

    Ho, Ho, Ho! God, that’s lame.

  64. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#58): “You now have 4 weeks (give or take) to regain a bit of your sanity.” – only to lose it again.
    //also teaches.

  65. Red Greenback
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    BC: I imagine Santa’s poop looking like something extruded from a Play-Doh Fun Factory. With sparkles. Thanks a lot, Mason.

  66. Mibbitmaker
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    MT: Problem solved! Uh-oh… this storyline is going to be a week of story and two months of smug, bromide-drenched summing up, isn’t it?!
    Also — Only Mary Worth can make a communist propaganda poster out of cake-baking!

    Archie: The Phone? Hell, Archie didn’t even hear some poor woman about to be knifed to death!

    Glibporn: Can I order these people from MY presence?

    FW: So THAT’s where Doomsday went! I should have known.

    Doonesbury*: And BD has the last word!

    *(not “Doomsbury”!)

  67. Mibbitmaker
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#66): MW, not MT!!!

    All the serial strips start to blend together anyway, I guess!

  68. Illustrator Steve
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    MT – “MARK! are you all right? I brought the mon…..MY GOD, MARK! WHAT DID YOU DO TO OTTO’S LEG? I know he is a ruthless kidnapper and all, but hey, to mutilate his leg like that, for God’s sake, Mark! Did his leg have sideburns or something?”

    “Shut your bonefish hole and just GIVE me that satchel full of money, Bill! …And while your at it, toss me your keys to that fancy yacht of yours too!”

    “But WHAT about ME, Mark?”

    “No problem, Bill. Pop has a spare cot in his hut!”

  69. NoahSnark
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Pranking Santa with laxative cookies is a good way to make sure the first thing you see on waking up is a Christmas ham and a shower of chocolate.

  70. Nekrotzar
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    So it turns out that ASM’s use of the word ‘heist’ is in fact accurate, but considering that he is just standing there blowing thought bubbles while a trained primate commits grand theft suggests that the strip’s most grievous assault on the English language is its misuse of the word ‘Amazing.’ Or perhaps ‘Man.’

  71. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Oregonian (#63): So newspaper Spider-Man is now teaching lessons in etymology?

    Shouldn’t a strip called “Spider-Man” be teaching us things about entomology instead?

    Yeah, I know that spiders aren’t insects. But historically “entomology” has been a less narrowly defined discipline, and it has included the study of other phyla, including arachnids and mollusks, and thus slugs.

  72. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @beltsander (#18): Upon reflection, I think it’s Lee Falk. “For those who came in late, a seemingly interminable story that started with a Facebook breakup, climaxed with a shipwreck, and meandered into an creepy, codependent crypto-abusive non-romantic relationship just ended and another interminable story, seemingly about cake decorating, is beginning. Life is brutal.”

  73. Dennis Jimenez
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    S-M – Here come ol’ flat top, he come – goovin’ up slowly – his date has a Tiarra Peak – that’s some body ol’ Frylock found….

    BH – MNWTF – Mother Nobody Wants to….

    BC – Um – So, he douses it with lighter fluid, starts it on fire on the front step and rings the doorbell – that John Hart is hilarious!!!

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  74. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#71): And if anyone on the funny pages is a slug, it’s Spider-Man.

  75. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#72): Ha, ha! I can see him, in his derby and with his skull cane, elbowing Mary Worth aside!

  76. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#66): Glibporn: Can I order these people from MY presence?

    Yes you can, and at the click of a button, just as is demonstrated in the strip.

    I’ve not really followed this strip until recently. I’m really impressed at how any time there is a threat of a consistent narrative developing, he will cut away to a topless mermaid or stiletto-wearing faerie who has no relationship to anything that has been going on up to this point. It’s like Family Guy except with delusions of grandeur.

  77. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    MT: You don’t have to always be talking about the money, Bill. Let people get to know you as a person.

    MW: “When you put it that way, I get an irresistible urge to clench my fist and punch myself in the face.”

    WofI: Frosty’s better prepared today for his next drunken self-mutilation.

    C-Shaft: The Seinfeld is apt enough, as I imagine that Christmas with Crankshaft must have a very Festivus vibe.

    9CL: A form of autoerotic asphyxiation that cuts off circulation to the hand. I guess if you can imagine it, it’s out there, but come on now.

    BC: Way to keep it classy, guys. I mean, no stink-lines or anything.

    JP: Looks like the only one dying here was you, Randy. But a save is a save. Just make sure that if April’s father ever calls your parents’ house, he puts on a real bad cough.

    GT: “Go Cougars!!” The stands are packed with fans of basketball and losing your virginity to an older woman. That Rob Lowe movie “Class” is still big around these parts.

    6C: Don’t worry ladies, you’ll lose it pretty quick, albeit in the form of your leg or head disappearing.

    H&J: “But I’m pretty sure I don’t care. Give me your message and I’ll leave a Post-It on her forehead or something.”

    Marvin: Marvin must be going hungry, because his formula expired a long time ago.

    A3G: Technically she’s telling the truth. Evan is on Margo’s payroll (and jelly-roll), not Aunt Cathy’s. Although she and Evan do coordinate their outfits

  78. Casino LF
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    JP: Seriously, literally no reason not to invite them, also this is a destination wedding, not an elopement.

    FW: Cory isn’t off “in the service,” he’s just at freaking Basic, I’m sure. A cursory googling also tells me that you can come home at Christmas during basic, augh.

    A3G: “Evan is my newphew! Of course he COULDN’T BE secretly working for me!”

  79. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Josh: At first I thought you were referring to “Boog the bromancer”, which would certainly put the Boog-vs-bullies plot on a different course.

  80. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    So James Fenimore Cooper and Albert Camus were sitting in a bar, drinking mojitos. They order another round, and the bartender brings the drinks over, and says, “I’m cutting you guys off after this. You’ve had enough.” And James Fenimore Cooper said, “You mean…”, and the bartender said, “Yes. This is the Last of the Mojitos.”

    And Albert Camus said, “Donc. Il est venu à ça!”*

    And the bartender said, “Say I’ve got a great idea for a Comics Curmudgeon comment. Wanna hear it?”

    *””So. It has come to this.” In the French tongue.

    // Hope I got this one up in time for the COTW!

  81. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    MW: It appears that lonely cake-designin’ widower John Dill thinks that “I’ll have your back” is an offer to perform a kinky, exotic sex act. Yes, it’s withered biddy Mary Worth who’s offering—but bakers can’t be choosy.

    A3G: I’ve resisted getting a smartphone, but now that all those NYC hipsters are back to using old-fashioned flip phones, I’ll just congratulate myself for being on trend!

    JP: See, that’s the problem with the whole “destination wedding” concept: inevitably, some of your family members just can’t afford to spend that kind of money—Oh. Wait. Never mind.

  82. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#80): Unlike Ed Crankshaft – and I know any sentence starting with those words will sound like the faintest of praise, but bear with me – you know that mojitos are served in bars, but probably not in bookstore cafes. Although I’m willing to be proven wrong on that point.

  83. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#75): “For those who came late, Mary’s a nebby old bag!”

  84. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    Archie: So Archie is listening to his retro late 20th C. stereo with the giant speakers, while listening to an iPod on headphones. And the iPod is resting in charger unit, cleverly designed to look like a late 20th C. telephone receiver. You know the original joke wasn’t too bad, without the iPod, and with the telephone right next to his elbow. Now, evidently the telephone was in another room, and it makes no sense at all.

  85. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    sleepy lil’ hound.

    wrinkledog, epic level.

    This is what Dil wants for Xmas.

    Poteet, here’s a little something for Xmas.

    Caffinated corgi.

  86. Shrug, Going for the Obscure Comics Reference of the Day
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#44):

    “Were there mojitos in Hell?”

    Yes, but we can’t get Snickerdoodles in Hell.

    /// Were you surprised? I’m not surprised.

  87. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#39): This may just be a quirk of mine, but the phrase “back in seminary” always puts me in mind of Jim Morrison shouting “YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH PRAYER!” Which actually compliments your story in a way.

  88. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#81): Your Mary Worth comment, based on my subtle analysis of Josh’s psyche, is a likely COTW.

  89. Here Come ol' Flattop
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#73): “Here come ol’ flat top” You called?

  90. Optimus Prime Rib
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Since when does Santa deliver toys to factories?

  91. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    9CL: The tensile strength of modern fastening materials is truly amazing.

  92. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

  93. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#91): There’s another line not to use on a first date.

  94. Mr. Kessler
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    At least Newspaper Spider-Man has “the proportional dark-corner skulking of a spider” thing going for him.

  95. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Optimus Prime Rib (#90): Wake up America! The Industrial Revolution was an inside job!!!

    I don’t even know what that might mean.

  96. Shrug, Whose Herpetology is in Remission
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    GA: Boog speaks Ursultongue. He wanted to learn Parseltongue, like Harry Potter, but the snakes refused to have anything to do with him. He’s just too creepy.

  97. Red Greenback
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Optimus Prime Rib (#90): Since the SC’s “Citizens United” ruling.

  98. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#39): Just a technical question, padre, but as an Anglican, you couldn’t go to Purgatory, could you? And of course, for you, Heaven is not an option. Your choices were limited.

  99. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Anglicans got Purgatory? Clams got legs?

  100. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#19): I guess this is the end of the world.

  101. Arabella
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Casino LF (#78): FW: Sure, Cory could come home for the holidays, but why on earth would he want to? He’s temporarily escaped from Westview!

  102. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Why does today’s B.C. look like it was drawn by the “Mister Boffo” guy?

  103. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#44): In Heaven there are no mojitos,
    That’s why we drink them with our Fritos,
    And now that the calendar is complete-os,
    The Mayans will be drinking our mojitos.

  104. Calico
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#4):
    Yes, she’s really glowing, isn’t she? Is she radioactive, or just in the throes of meddling ecstasy?
    Now that she’s released the leash on Dawn for a while, she can meddle this poor man into throwing himself into a giant Hobart/Industrial mixer at the local bakery so that he may end his newfound misery.

  105. greghousesgf
    December 21st, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    I just hope no kids try to copy Boog and get eaten.

  106. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

  107. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#103): Mayan Mojito. Sounds like a good brand name to me. The Mayans need something new to produce since they’re now out of the calendar business.

  108. Calico
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#22):
    Lots and lots of coffee.

  109. Baka Gaijin
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Sooo, JJ Jameson wants pictures of Kraven the Hunter in his super shirt open to the waist exposing his manly chest and his ever-so-tight curve-hugging tights. The Daily Bugle turned into a softcore gay porn so gradually I hadn’t noticed.

    When Mary Worth gets that look on her face, hijinks will not ensue.

  110. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#109):

    When Mary Worth gets that look on her face, hijinks will not ensue.

    But get set for some long drawn-out lojinks.

  111. SF_Reader
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    S-M – However we can still rant about the plot line:

    Monday: Kraven’s chimps will steal the tiara.
    Tuesday: Kraven’s chimp is planning to steal the tiara.
    Wednesday: Kraven trained the chimp to steal the tiara.
    Thursday: Kraven’s chimp is stealing the tiara.
    Friday: The chimp heisted the tiara like Kraven taught him.

    OK, we get it! Now can we move on to the part where Spider-Man gets his butt kicked?

  112. Casino LF
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#101): Haha, fair enough. I wouldn’t want to go to Westview either. I assume that’s why Keisha and Summer are missing, even though colleges physically close and all.

  113. Jeff Soesbe (yeff)
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Now we know why Santa’s bag always looks full.

    - yeff

  114. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#111): I’d like to support the school of thought that holds that the chimps themselves planned this heist, with Kraven as their unwitting red herring. Why? Well, Spidey humiliated by a blustering, mangy mane-wearer? Pretty darned good. But Spidey humiliated by a band of performing chimps? Priceless!

  115. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Casino LF (#112): “Keisha and Summer are physically close and all.”

    ayup. iykwim, aittyd.

  116. gleeb
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Casino LF (#112): Well, since they didn’t go off to college until October, Keisha and Summer have to make up all those incomplete courses.

  117. LurkerMan
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Why do the women in Better Half constantly have hair in their eyes?

  118. Baka Gaijin
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#110): Lojinks or nojinks?

  119. Perky Bird
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#107): My husband and I were at the grocery store last night, and in the produce section were large mesh bags full of onions labled “Mayan Sweets.” I turned to my husband and said, “Just in time for the apocalypse!”

  120. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#110): Neither hijinks nor lojinks are Mary Worth‘s style. We would be looking at meh-jinks, but “jinks” (to wheel or fling about in dancing) are straight out too.

  121. Perky Bird
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Not one to let a mere macaque in a shearling coat and diaper get all the fame and glory, Moe the Chimp dons a priceless diamond tiara and sashays up and down the streets of Las Vegas.

  122. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#118) & @Cetacean Love Buzz (#120): Exactly. The most and best drama we can hope for from this story is Dr. Jeff throwing a tantrum over Mary spending to much time with Ernie Kovacs Duke Ellington Lee Falk Burgess Meredith John Dill.

  123. This Guy
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    BRSG: Apocalypse carols? Sure, I’ll start:

    I know, I know I’ve let you down
    I’ve been a fool to myself
    I thought that I could live for no one else
    But now, through all the hurt and pain
    It’s time for me to respect
    The ones you love mean more than anything

    So with sadness in my heart
    I feel the best thing I could do
    Is end it all and leave forever
    What’s done is done
    It feels so bad
    What once was happy now is sad
    I’ll never love again
    My world is ending

    I wish that I could turn back time
    ’cause now the guilt is all mine
    Can’t live without the trust of those you love
    I know we can’t forget the past
    You can’t forget love and pride
    Because of that, it’s killing me inside

    It all returns to nothing
    It all comes tumbling down
    Tumbling down, tumbling down
    It all returns to nothing
    I just keep letting me down
    Letting me down, letting me down

    That was fun!

    // Note: not my actual feelings, just how the song goes.

    C&H: And yet, Calvin is still vastly more likeable than anyone in Funky Cancercancer.

  124. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @LurkerMan (#117): Sequitor (y335) already explained http://djrioblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/say-sorry-with-a-cake.jpg?w=637 (sorry I don’t know how to do the condensed version)

  125. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#123): Gee, thanks for cheering me up.

  126. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    At long last!! Finally we get to see Les again. And the moment has to be Ruined by HER! I just don’t know how he can live with her never-ending put downs and negativity. I’m wondering where everyone is? (My invitation seems to have been “lost in the mail.” I guess Harry made one last un-delivery before he was terminated.) It looks as if the rhymes-with-witch has run away all their friends except for Funky and Frowsie.

    But isn’t it just like Les to try to cheer everyone up? Always thinking of others. He’s probably going to suggest they play Monopoly, or Charades, or Scrabble. He’s so good at those “thinking games,” even if he does tend to show off just a teensy bit.

    Still hopeful for a miracle,
    Susan Smith, President

  127. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    Deck the halls with last mojitos,
    Fa la la la la, so don’t linger!
    No more world, but no mosquitos,
    Fa la la la la, nor fruhlinger!

  128. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#126): Oh, Susan, Susan. Listen to me. Stay away from the faux intelligentsia. Avoid Les, and I could give you a list of male Mudgeons as well. Cast not your pearls before Pastis. Keep within your warm family circle. You’ll eventually find your better half. Mark your own trail and marry according to your worth. Remember, love is…brutal.

  129. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#128):

    Remember, love is…brutal.

    Indeed. Sometimes you’ve no choice but to lockhorns.

  130. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#119): I know I like to serve onions at my apocalypses. Especially sweet ones. It takes the bite out of Armageddon.

  131. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#129): Yet if we persevere, we can eventually form one, big, happy.

  132. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#130): Most Mudgeons are wearing an onion or two on their belts.

  133. Baka Gaijin
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#132): Was that back in 19-dickety-2? The Kaiser stole the word “twenty.”

  134. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#120): Maybe John and Mary will say the same thing at the same time and John will jinx Mary. Then Mary will not be able to talk until John says Mary’s name. John will suddenly forget Mary’s name.

    We can only hope.

  135. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#131): Exactly. Just grin and bear it till you’re popeyed. Love seems a phantom, but sally forth and you will find safe havens.

  136. Cloudbuster
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I missed yesterday, but I have to comment. Brooke’s female bodies are fine, in my opinion, but all Isobel’s “sexy” look says to me is “I have a fantastically uncomfortable wedgie.”

  137. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#132): Wait. Are you saying we’re old?

  138. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#133): We hung out the washing on the Zigfried line! Oh, those glory days!

  139. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#137): No, I’m saying they ramble.

  140. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#135): You win, Mr. Sc…uh – Cetacean.

  141. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#138): Ziegfried, I think. Rats. Five years of German, for what.

  142. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#141): Jeezuz Mary and Joseph. Siegfried. Darn.

  143. Uncle Lumpy
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    B.C. sets the speed record for secularization: from “He is Risen” to Santa’s butt-crack in nine months flat.

  144. Hibbleton
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    JP: Instead of being a dick, couldn’t Randy just have started this whole conversation with: “Mom, dad, April and I are getting married but we’re going to hold the wedding in Acapulco because April’s dad is sick and can’t travel.” Not that the senior Parkers aren’t quite good at being dicks. It’s just that they are quite peeved at Randy for being so passive-aggressive about it.

  145. Shrug, With a Washing Brief
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#141):

    “Siegfried,” actually; at least that’s the way the song goes in English.

    The first Mrs. Shrug once acted in a production of Clive Exton’s play HAVE YOU ANY DIRTY WASHING MOTHER DEAR, which incorporated the song. No, I’m not (quite) old enough to remind WWII songs all by myself otherwise.

  146. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#143):

    Santa’s butt-crack

    Is that where “crack a joke” came from?

  147. Shrug, Remembering He Forgot to Remember
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, With a Washing Brief (#145)

    “To remind.”??? Sheesh. “To remember.”

    /// To “remind” is to lose your mind again, and have to replace it, I suppose. Happens to me all the time.

  148. MySpoonIsTooBig
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Dustin- Haha, oh those PC thugs with their “Happy Holidays!” As if other holidays ever exist, hahahaha oh that’s too much!

  149. Calico
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Boog, The Bear Whisperer
    I really like the giant “?” that the ursine is emitting.

  150. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#149): The bear is licking lips in panel two. The bear’s about to have a Boogburger using those bullies as the buns.

  151. Calico
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Dear God, we are in full blizzard mode in Quebec City and region. Just went to store-just in time!
    I love it.
    All cats are well and accounted for-and inside, including our neighbor’s Maine Coon, here with us, and the black and white girl who also lives next door is “chez elle.”

  152. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, With a Washing Brief (#145): It was sung in an episode of the tv show ‘Maude’ and would probably be remembered by male mudgeons who were adolescent fans of Adrienne Barbeau. For some reason the song has stuck in my head all these years. //Not male, was past adolescence during the first run of ‘Maude’, and was not manufactured in such a way to be impressed by Barbeau’s moves.

  153. Calico
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#150):
    Strangely, I’ve never seen a bear in the wild, but once when I was hiking/forest walking in NH with a couple of friends who were US Fish and Wildlife officers, we came across bear maks in tree trunks. After my friend Beth explained to me the origin of the scratches, I felt a little faint, and quite a bit afraid.
    Also, when I went to NH this May for a WMS School celebration, another friend flew from Ohio back to her parents’ home, and borrowed their car to drive to Bethlehem/Littleton. She showed me 1/2 inch deep scratch marks on the back plastic bumper where a bear tried to break into the trunk and steal sacks of sunflower seed. Whoa.

  154. Calico
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    Marks, not maks! I’m not from Boston. ; )

  155. CEH3rd
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth – How long until John a)realizes rather than than Mary “having his back,” he’d prefer to have HER back (and front)- b)makes his move and is (of course) rebuffed, and c) drives a cake delivery truck off a cliff while in icing-induced hypoglycemic shock?

  156. Peanut Gallery
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    Hmm. Frank Lee Meidere cites 2 Kings 2:23–24, and two days later, Josh makes the same reference. Coincidence? Maybe. One thing’s for sure, I’m not going to make fun of anybody’s bald head.

  157. Baka Gaijin
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#150): Boogburger, a small order of nasal nuggets, a small soft drink and toy nose goblin make up the Green Gold Meal at your nearest Noseworthy’s! Noseworthy’s, for a nose-pickingly good time!

    @CEH3rd (#155) on item a: Pass the Forstner bit for the Makita and a melon scooper. Not even brain bleach can get that terrifying image out of my head.

  158. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    It is the dawning of the Age of Apocalypse, the Age of Apocalypse…
    Hilarious misunderstandings, Les Moore smirks and Margo scowls
    Chimpanzees stealing priceless jewelry, Swarovski crystal revelations!
    Oh – let the lion sleep, let the lion sleep, the lion-ness slee-eep..
    (repeat ad nauseum or ad mephitis, as you please)

  159. Calico
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

  160. Dennis Jimenez
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Here Come ol’ Flattop (#89): You grooved up so slowly – you really startled me! Yikes!!! You need to have one of those truck backing beeps or something…..

  161. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#159): I think you just gave Baka Gaijin a new phobia.

  162. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @CEH3rd (#155): It’s also possible he could lose his arm in a collision with an Entenmen’s truck, or maybe catch one in the head in a bake sale gone bad.

  163. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    yay for google images.

    here’s a/the source of that big dog pic earlier.

    and another adorbable mastiff puppy face.

  164. Baka Gaijin
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#161): Nah, just made me a little hungry.

  165. Peanut Gallery
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @bad lynn (#32): Now there’s a choice put-down: “Arts Faculty science.”

  166. Liam
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I’d enjoy it meddling around in every little detail of your cake design.”

    MW 2-Yes, trust in the woman who can make an all white pie.

    RMMD-”Delores has this thing that our doctors call cancer. They believe that she has it as punishment for being a stripper.”

    MT-”I’m all right but the people these guys are going to kidnap after me won’t be all right.”

  167. Here Come ol' Flattop
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#160): That’s ’cause I got hair down to my knees. And Chuck Berry (the originator) on the 8-track.

  168. Liam
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    FW-Nothing like a good old fashion 1970s style orgy to pick up everyone’s mood.

    FW 2-”Listen lady I’m the one who makes the smug comments around here. Your job is to look more and more white with each appearance until you look like Lisa.”

  169. Mibbitmaker
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#159): YIKES!!!

    That’s almost as bad as Thorax’s toothy close-ups in 9CL a couple days ago!

    ………almost.

  170. Peanut Gallery
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#84): The VCR is a nice retro touch, too.

  171. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#50): Thanks for pointing this out — I don’t follow FRAZZ regularly. Attention Frazz Kid whose name I can never remember — the key word here is “nice.” What is nice weather to one person isn’t nice weather to everyone. I am sitting in Iowa looking out at a landscape buried under a large amount of snow and with a temp of about 16 F, and to me, it’s very nice. It’s absolutely gorgeous, apart from other reasons. Chaque a son gout, or whatever.

  172. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#85): Thank you, Santa! I appreciate it.

  173. Liam
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-That’s not what Kraven taught Moe. He taught Moe how to mix drinks. Moe is doing the work for a super intelligent ape with designs to overthrow mankind.

  174. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#136): BWAHAHA! Thank you. I depend on good 9CL snarking because if I just read the comic straight day after day, my sex drive would shrivel and die.

  175. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    GA: Since it’s the Winter Solstice, shouldn’t that bear be hibernating now? Of course, if the bear’s being awake means that Grandpa Slim will show up and get mauled, then carry on.

  176. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    S-M — This plan depends on no one noticing a chimp running down the street carrying a tiara. I see nothing but success ahead.

  177. Government Cheese
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    “I’ll help you!” Yeah, Mary, jumping out of the cake naked will not influence the judges (unless it’s made up of a panel of Wilbur, the ghost of Aldo, and Mark Trail.

  178. MySpoonIsTooBig
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#174): It’s just one more thing I follow every day because I love to not like it and yell at the screen, and I fucking love the comments snark we do:) Both this and Luann are the only gocomics ones I read daily and the more I think about it the more they have in common and what they have in common is why I love reading snark after snark about it.

  179. KreatureFeatures
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Josh, speaking of etymologies, have you read Bill Bryson’s book Made in America? I’m just about to finish it and I wish it would go on forever.

  180. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#44): Not that I remember, but I think you could get a Shipwreck.

  181. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#157): And the rich shall bring their BoogerButler with them.

  182. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

  183. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#87): I assure you I look nothing like Jim Morrison. But yes, the Lizard King would have fit right into this place.

  184. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#98): Who’s an Anglican? I’m a bear pretending to be a UCC pastor pretending to be an Anglican. On the internet nobody knows you’re a bear.

  185. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#175): Seems like we had that problem last winter with a bear story in Mark Trail.

    And the cartoonists decide… “It’s winter! Time to bring out the bears!”

  186. Atheist amongst the flock
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#174): It would be a better world if no one let their sex drive shrivel and die.

  187. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#143): Hey, don’t blame the Zombie Johnny Hart or his poorly-paid, non-union Mexican minions: that’s just how the liturgical calendar works.

  188. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#184): But you’re not a Plugger bear. Keep telling yourself that.

  189. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#128): Thank you so much for your kind advice. It really hit close to home, and if the shoe fits, I’ll try to wear it. I would like to jump start my life and move on to a big happy future. Maybe someday my valiant prince will come. But love is.. a bizarro thing, without rhymes or reason. Some days I wonder how I got myself into this pickle, and can only ask “What ehT kcuD?”

    Best regards,
    ss

  190. Sequitur
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: Having Ziggy as your lifeguard is like having Rex Morgan or Mark Trail as your sex coach.

  191. Uncle Lumpy
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Hey, this week’s Economist has a worthwhile article on how the Web is saving the comic strip, featuring strips like xkcd, Hark, a Vagrant!, Garfield minus Garfield, and other local favorites. Check it out.

  192. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#184): If you show up on bear sites, you are a bear.

  193. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#187): Liturgical calendar? Candles? UCC? I think not, my crypto-Roman friend.

  194. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#193): Is that a maniple I see hanging out of your pocket? Or are you just glad to see me?

  195. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#192): Having been told by someone in a position to know such things that I qualify as “bear meat,” I’m not eager to turn up on those websites.

  196. KreatureFeatures
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#25): I also thought that Gil Thorp meant for the offense to get “on track” and start scoring. But apparently “untracked” means to rise out of a scoring slump. I thought I knew the sports world fairly well but I’ve never heard this usage before. Leave it to the Gil Thorp team: they can’t draw a normal human arm, but they sure know their arcane sports language.

  197. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#195): Bzz! Bzz! Grumpf! Snork!

  198. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#195): Um – wait – when you say “someone in a position to know such things” do you mean, about you personally?

  199. bad lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

  200. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    Bad lynn! Bad, bad, bad!

  201. Alfred E. Neuman
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    FW— Let’s see, Funky and Holly are depressed because Cory, who has caused them nothing but misery and grief, is away. Only in Westview would the absence of misery and grief be depressing. Cheer up, guys. Just remember, there is always some new form of unhappiness just around the corner!

  202. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#195): You could wax, you know.

  203. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#198): He was judging by my picture. I am not family.

  204. Dennis Jimenez
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Here Come ol’ Flattop (#167): Man, you really are hard to please – you joker….

  205. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#64): I also did a bit of teaching, but at one of those for-profit schools that pretty much run continuously. Most of the time, all I got was the weekend to recover.

    I was reminiscing with a colleague over my time as an IT instructor, and came to the awful realization that most of my former students are now far enough along in their careers that I might actually have to work with a few of them.

  206. Albert Einstein
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#10): Josh is talking about Elisha’s way of dealing with naughty children, recorded in 2 Kings.

  207. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Albert Einstein (#206): Note “Unless a crippling sense of shame is a crueler punishment than bloody dismemberment?”, hence, Proverbs 25. However, if Albert Einstein says it, who am I to disagree!

  208. Marc
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#201): What they need is a good case of Christmas cancer.

  209. lynn
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#205): The trick is to teach them poorly. I only have to worry about my former students spitting on my burger at the drive-thru.

  210. The good ship thetis
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    There’s a scene in one of L.M. Montgomery’s books where one of the child characters screams at another “Oh, I hope the bears that ate those naughty children in the Bible come and eat you!”

  211. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#209): Unfortunately, I was idealistic, and thought I could improve conditions in the IT world. I even went so far as to write a thesis on how to improve the curriculum, certification, and training.

    I had 3 kinds of students:

    a) the ones who would do anything I said — which in two cases could have gone really, really bad.

    b) the ones who thought they knew more than me despite my (at the time) 15 years of field experience, all because they took a Cisco course in high school before running into me. These people will eventually be my point-haired-bosses, if I’m not careful.

    c) the ones who spent more time in jail than in the classroom — a more common experience than most people realize. Regrettably, they were also some of my most talented students.

  212. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    MW I got pretty excited about a cake competition. I just knew it would be a Christmas cake, just a few days away. Then I realized this is Worthworld, and we’re not likely to see another cake until Easter.
    Foolish, foolish. Sigh…

    GT

    …defense is stifling… offense can’t get untracked

    I’ve never been an athlete, and I haven’t really followed sports much. But one of the things that I really like about Gil Thorp is the frequent use of what I guess is sports talk. I should keep a journal.

    A3J Oooh! Evan will have hell to pay. It will be the Cath o’ nine tails for you, Evan!

    Crankedshaft Huh. I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow for the punch line.

    FW Go on, Cayla. Punch him in the side of the head. We know you want to.

  213. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#184):

    Who’s an Anglican? I’m a bear pretending to be a UCC pastor pretending to be an Anglican. On the internet nobody knows you’re a bear.

    Hey, there are plenty of bear sites on the internet. I haven’t found an Anglican bear site, but I know plenty of Anglican bears. And even an Anglican priest otter!

  214. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    December 21st, 2012 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#124):

    In the eye, huh? Looks like he lettered the cake with it too!

    // No thank you, I’ll just pass on the cake.

  215. undeadoranges
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    That reminds me, I’m supposed to be working on linguistics notes instead of being on the internet. In case anyone was interested, the creation of “heist” as a noun would be considered a conversion, also known as a functional shift, in which new words are created by shifting the part of speech of a word to another part of speech without changing the form of the word.

    Augh, linguistics, why must you torment me during my break?

  216. Ursula
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): S4th: So true. I really felt for the wonderful Hilary dealing with her clueless cousins.

  217. Uncle Lumpy
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    @undeadoranges (#215):

    … new words are created by shifting the part of speech of a word to another part of speech …

    Verbing weirds language.

  218. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#49): They lived in a much simpler world

    I have to say, that’s the perspective of someone who has never spent much time, if any, outside of a fairly controlled urban environment. Trust me, a wilderness is a lot more complex than a city street.

  219. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Okay, so Amos is a musician whose livelihood rests in the continued health and well-being of his hands. Shouldn’t he be freaking out more, and shouldn’t she be freaking out with him, given that he’s going to be their sole source of income, rather than doing her best to make sure that his hand is mangled beyond repair?

  220. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#144): Agreed. Or eloped and told them afterward, like eloping is supposed to work.

    This seems calculated to rub their – and especially Katherine’s – noses in it, in as prolonged and as mean-spirited a way as possible. That’s some hardcore passive-aggression, I have to say.

  221. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 21st, 2012 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#153): I felt a little faint, and quite a bit afraid.

    That’s a sensible reaction when it comes to bears.

    And to contemplating an encounter with freaky-eyed children of the likes of Boog.

  222. Sgt. Stoned
    December 21st, 2012 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    BC: Well, Santa, there is that big sack sitting there…no wonder I got many shitty gifts as a kid!

    MW: Nothing like turning a hobby into a job to make your dreams come true!

  223. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 22nd, 2012 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    LIFE IS BRUTAL

    Salmon squares and green glop cake
    La La La La La
    Mary’s helping John Dill bake
    La La La La La

    Rivals crumble before their attack
    La La La La La
    For Mary’s got old John’s back
    La La La La La.

    The Big Prize a vacation cruise
    La La La La La
    Cake mix aroma on the breeze
    La La La La La

    Old John’s cakes are hot and hip
    La La La La La
    Heavy enough to sink the ship
    La La La La La

    Disaster. John loses his bald spot
    La La La La La
    Mary meddling more has got
    La La La La La.

    John meets a widow missing a leg
    La La La La La
    Who ends up wearing a long hard peg
    La La La La La

    Said peg is made of leftover cake
    La La La La La
    John and widow jiggle’n’shake
    La La La La La.

    Mary needs a new victim too
    La La La La La
    And she’s looking right at you
    La La La La La.

  224. Joshua
    December 22nd, 2012 at 3:14 am [Reply]

    GA: To Jim Scancarelli: Please explain the phonetic principles which led you depict Boog pronouncing the word “friends” as “fr’ens”.

  225. Joshua
    December 22nd, 2012 at 3:14 am [Reply]

    @Joshua (#224): “led you *to* depict”

  226. Faoladh
    December 22nd, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    B.C.: Let me see, there’s nothing in this strip about faux-prehistoric men (mostly) making brainless puns or sad one-liners. Apparently, even the current owners of the strip have realized how terrible the legacy parts are, and are giving up on it completely.

  227. Vimax Trial Sklep
    August 22nd, 2013 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    Wonderful blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News.
    Do you have any tips on how to get listed
    in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it

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