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Seriously, though, who would try to impersonate Stanley

Better Half, 1/4/13

Here’s a fun fact, if by “fun” you mean “soul-shattering”: there is a rare condition called the Capgras delusion, in which the sufferer suddenly becomes convinced that a loved one — often a spouse or parent — has been replaced by an impostor. I’ve always been irrationally fearful of developing this myself, and have wondered if just knowing that the condition exists is enough to keep it at bay or at least understand what’s happening if it occurs, or if the delusion is so powerful that all rational thoughts flee your mind and your life becomes an unending paranoid horror. Anyway, Harriet seems to have been seized with this terrible mental illness and is demanding desperate measures to try to hold onto some tiny shred of reality, or maybe she’s just being extremely sarcastic how Stanley has become such an unattractive loser.

Dick Tracy, 1/4/13

Oops, I forgot to catch up on Christmas-week developments in Dick Tracy’s “costumed vigilante” plot, but I guess I don’t need to now because today’s strip provides a wall of text that gets us all pretty much up to date. Thanks, wall of text! I’m more concerned about that shadow lurking behind Dick, though, which may presage how he’ll adapt to the costumed chaos in his fair city. Has the new Dick Tracy creative team spent month meticulously recreating the classic vibe of the original strip, just so that they can abruptly turn it into a Batman comic when their editors stop paying attention to them?

Mary Worth, 1/4/13

Yup, those cake pics you’re looking at sure reflect the beauty of nature, Mr. Dill! With their … pink and white frosting … and garlands … and such. Yeah. Nature cakes. Hoo boy. This guy’s screwed. You’ve shackled yourself to a loser, Mary, do you hear me? A loser!

Curtis, 1/4/13

I was going to complain that this year’s Curtis Kwanzaa tale wasn’t insane enough, but that was before an adorable tiny primate stone cold stabbed a lady in the neck.

253 responses to “Seriously, though, who would try to impersonate Stanley”

  1. Christopher
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: The writers, having realized they were ripping off The Watchmen, decide to take an entirely different tack and rip off Batman.

  2. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    RMMD: “I guess the question is, what do three exotic dancers do in retirement?”

    Your average Exotic Dancer ‘retires’ about 2-3 times per year. Often, they pursue other business ventures for a time, such as giving blowjobs in the parking lot outside of the strip club, or helping their boyfriend to sell crystal meth. Eventually, they turn up at another club, with a different dance name, possibly with additional breast implants or with fewer teeth.

    “Start up their own catering business” is great, except, starting a new business requires skills such as the ability to work hard, to be on time, to be sober while you work, and to not flake out and spend all the money on drugs. If the stripper had these skills, they wouldn’t have been stripping in the first place.

    99% of exotic dancers are not just stray kittens in need of someone to take them in and cuddle and feed them. They are operating on a potent cocktail of childhood sexual abuse, drug addiction, and laziness/stupidity. Of course, the Morgans are only in town for two days, so they can get their ‘happy ending’ and go home, and not see that, a week later, everyone is right back to partying all night and skipping out on the rent, except this time it is a boyfriend in jail or a sister in rehab who is the excuse for why they can’t come up with the rent money.

  3. The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Broadway Bates developed an irrational hatred of costumed vigilantes in another city? Sounds like he spent some time in NYC observing Spider-Man. “He’s all dressed up, but…but he’s not doing anything! I must destroy them ALL!!!”

  4. Chareth Cutestory
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: An older man leaning back in his chair, looking at pictures and telling a woman over the phone how excited they make him. There. The Photoshop task is outlined before you, answer the call.

  5. Liam
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    RMMD-That sounds like the premise for a wacky sitcom. “What do three retired strippers do now? Can they find legitimate work?”

    Archie-”Duh. It’s a horsey. See that hole is where you put your thingy inside the horse.”

    MW-Nothing like a pink and white cake that just screams nature.

  6. Midtown
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW: From the look of Mr. Dill’s “cake gut” he’s been eating his mistakes.

  7. Baskingshark
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Er, that’s stabbed her in the neck with a frog-venom dipped arrow, thank you very much. After she turned the hero and his girlfriend into a lion and a pig and they were pictured hugging while the girlfriend-pig stuck her tongue out at the witch.

    How exactly did you not think this was insane enough?

  8. Liam
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    RMMD-A business that caters to lonely men or women who just need the company of a woman for a few hours.

  9. pugfuggly
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    B 1/2 Doesn’t look like the man she married? Everyone in this strip looks the same! Giant bug eyes, enormous noses, tiny lipless mouths. At least I think they all look alike. Is it possible to be racist against cartoon characters?

    DT Coincidentally, ‘Broadway Bates’ is also the name of an online video series depicting an artist pleasuring himself to the a collection of showtunes.

    MW I see from the spittoon in the background that Mr Cake Decorator is also a fan of chewing tobacco. I look forward to the competition, when a nervous contestant has to explain his design with a wad of snus in his cheek.

  10. Ratiocinator
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#5):

    MW-Nothing like a pink and white cake that just screams nature.

    Well, the white signifies snow, which happens naturally so that qualifies, (sure, why not?), and as for the pink…

    …um…

    …oh, the pink is pink icing that some human being dumped on the snow. A human being who evolved because of NATURE! Yes!

  11. Liam
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Better Half-”You’re not Leroy Lockhorn. I thought I was married to Leroy Lockhorn.”

  12. Voshkod
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    I like that fact that, even in the moments before she’s getting stabbed with a frog-poison tipped arrow, the narrator in Curtis refers to the evil witch as Ms. Yahna. I guess it’s in the same style the Wall Street Journal refers to Mr. Hussein and Ms. Bathory. Respect; it’s not an official principal of Kwanzaa, but it’s nice to see it anyway.

  13. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    MW – That cake design will only show appreciation of nature if it is left out in the rain. He should never make that recipe again. Oh no.

  14. pugfuggly
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    A3G This little homage to Little Red (Gold?) Riding Hood is cute for now, I don’t think I really want to see what happens when Margo the Wolf returns…

    FW Hooray! More grey asses.

    MT Assuming that Mark is not just taking a quick fishing break during the action, I’m going to berate the Jackelrod now for inspiring kids all across the country to grab their dad’s rods and try out this ‘Cast-Fu’. You may have taught the kids about nature, but you’ll blind and maim a generation of younger siblings!

  15. Chyron HR
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    The speed of the cheetah and the strength of the rhinoceros? Kraven, you fool, against Spider-Man‘s agility you have to use the SaGoZo core medal combo!

  16. Albuqwirkymom
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Cake Wrecks meets Comics Curmudgeon. The crossover we have all been breathlessly anticipating.

  17. pugfuggly
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#10):

    I’ve got it! It’s a homage to the Pink and White Terraces of New Zealand. And given that they were “[...] formed by geothermally heated water containing large amounts of silicic acid and sodium chloride from two large geyser”, we can expect a sour, salty cake that explodes every 12 hours.

  18. nescio
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    MW: “I looked around my condo for inspiration and found a mildew streaked shower curtain. That counts as nature, right?”

  19. Ratiocinator
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @Chyron HR (#15):

    The agility that’s not preventing him from getting punched in the face. (Albeit not knocked out cold this time.)

    Incoming comic book fan nitpickery/rantery here: the Spidey of the comics I read was never invulnerable. Basically if you hit him with the same amount of force that would hurt a normal human being, you would hurt him, too. The trick was hitting him in the first place, because of said agility, speed, and of course the spider-sense that would warn him every time somebody was about to swing at him or shoot at him. That, combined with him being strong enough to lift around ten tons, made him a pretty tough opponent even if he wasn’t on the level of a Superman or Hulk.

    Anybody who wants to write Spider-Man should know that if he has room to dodge and if he isn’t being slowed down by anything, it is damn near impossible to hit him.

    And in this case Kraven not only snuck up on him and knocked him out (and he isn’t the first to do this to newspaper Spider-Man, of course), but now he hits Spidey clean in the face on his first try.

    I know I’m far from the first to say it, but this version of the character is just an embarrassment.

  20. Ratiocinator
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#17):

    You know what? If I were one of the judges, I would totally award a cake like that first prize.

  21. Mibbitmaker
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#5): re: RMMD: “Three Broke Girls”?

  22. Alice
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Luann: I assume Evans means for us to be saying, “Oh no! The Official Villain Ann Eiffel has outfoxed the Official Hero TJ! Will justice (*choke*) never prevail?” Me, I’m cheering. Go Ann!

    Now if only the skewed morality of the comic allowed her to fire him and get him arrested for blackmail.

  23. Liam
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MW-”I’m so excited I actual pleasured myself to a picture of my design.”

  24. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Dogbert has joined HuffPo?

    Lio: breaking the 4th wall, literally.

    SBp: *SNURK!*

    R&R: ummm, that phrase is a bit further up in history that the setting for the strip.

    Zits: “bat squee.” you’re welcome.

    MG&G: O_O

    best furry, RwO or SFx’s guest artist?

    Retail: A&J did this before. That being said, lower left pixie cut? RRROWR!

  25. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . tokin’ and strokin’.

  26. Digger
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    BH: “You’re don’t look anything like the man I married. The man I married would at least put some socks on while he sat around doing nothing.”

  27. jwer
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Re: Capgras… I assume you’ve read Richard Powers’ “The Echo Maker”; if not, you should.

  28. Mibbitmaker
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    BH: Try being Funky Winkerbean today, you two!

    ReFOOB: Lovely to see a couple so in nasty, spiteful hate, isn’t it?

    Luann: You can’t con a con, but some people can sure con a readership! (not us, of course)

    FW: Starting?!
    Only at being young, eh? Yeah, teenage young. In his case, ’70s & ’80s young.

    MT: The villain is actually stalling for time, waiting for Trail to sabotage him! “I’m the bad guy, and I’ll do whatever it takes — for the story!” Meanwhile, Trail is taking his dear, sweet time in an emergency. Gee, kinda like Congress! *rimshot!*

    MW: Because, when one thinks of nature, naturally one thinks of cake!
    ……and punching out hairy bad guys.

  29. LoFoMoFo
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    RMD: Yeh, a catering business. That’s inspired. They’ll become famous for their cheese doodles and beer dinners.

  30. Mibbitmaker
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#24): re: Lio: …or, in this case, the 4th ceiling.

  31. Clint Brawny
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: am I the only one who thinks something looks a little ‘off’ with the way the owner looks standing in that window?

  32. Perky Bird
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Oh, I hope Mary was Mr. Dill’s inspiration for his design, and that he has decided to show the “Beauty of Nature” by baking a cake that lovingly depicts a recumbant Mary au naturel. Complete with shredded coconut pubic hair.

  33. Sarah
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Curtis: The middle panel is quite possibly the best thing I’ve seen out of the strip ever. I love that bratty pig so much I went to Ray Billingsley’s website to see if I could buy a print of it. All I found was Ray Billingsley’s headshot, which somehow makes Curtis make a lot more sense.

  34. S. Stout
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    DT: Ooh, Batman’s in the room! Hopefully it’s the one from Batman: The Animated Series.

    Luann: I’d be okay with them both going to jail, and then Ann seducing her way out.

    MW: Looks like Mary is simultaneously baking a cake of her own. She will enter as The Masked Grandma and win, just to teach Mr. Dill that he failed because he didn’t work directly with her on the project.

  35. Marc
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    9CL- Edda is mad that Amos didn’t consider her raping of him to be energetic enough. How incautious and unheedful of him to not pay proper homage to her midnight rapings.

    A3G- I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m hoping that Evan leaves the apartment door as open as he found it and somebody robs that place blind.

    Mark Trail- Mark doesn’t feel that Juan looks piratey enough. So he’s going to hook him in the eye and force that son of a bitch to have to wear an eye patch.

    Mary Worth- I can’t wait to see what the unstoppable 1-2 punch of Mary and Dill arrange giant globs of green and brown frosting into and call a nature scene.

    Funky- Shut up Funky’s nameless second wife. You know just as well as everyone else that he completely worthless in every aspect of life.

    Luann- Hopefully Ann can use TJ’s confession of being a con man to blackmail him into drowning himself in a toilet.

    Cranky- Oh thank God Ed Crankshaft is alright and not dying. Said no one ever.

  36. Mibbitmaker
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa 12-13
    1/4/13

    P1
    CROW: “A republican and democrat ought to do it!”
    SERVO: “Hey, Mike — how ’bout a fan of you and a fan of Jo–”
    MIKE: “Do NOT go there!”
    SERVO: “Okay! Okay! Jeez….”
    CROW: “In 9 Chickweed Lane, the woman would turn into the preditor!”

    P2
    CROW & SERVO: “Nyah nyah n-nyah-nyah!!!”
    MIKE: “What would their KIDS look like?!”

    P3
    SERVO: “Green eyes. Jealousy. We GET it already!”
    MIKE: “Ms. Yahna is the Howard brother the Three Stooges never talk about.”
    CROW: “That’s it, grandma, more proactive!”
    MIKE: “Insects? She’s not a witch, she’s a Penn & Teller routine!”

    P4
    CROW: “That’s the wrong end, you idiot!”
    SERVO: “Judging from the sillhouette, the bush baby is poinsoning a Basil Wolverton grotesque character!”
    CROW: “Or a Tex Averyish character.”
    SERVO: “Ish?”
    CROW: “Yeah, definately ‘ish’!”

  37. Greg
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: Now that marijuana is legal here in Colorado, come on out for our new exotic blends of Cinnamon Knight and Black Piranha! But the stickiest is our new BatDickman blend–it’ll knock you out AND leave you baffled!

  38. Mibbitmaker
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#36):

    That is, “predator”. Pred-A-Tor, as in “A Tor Johnson lookalike would make for a really bad movie!”

  39. Antiquated Tory
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#2): Actually I have known two strippers who were none of the above. One now is in Uni and the other has started a very successful business. OK, they are probably outliers, but 99%?

  40. Pozzo
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Personally, I’m looking forward to the day when Harriet and Stanley hook up with the Lockhorns at a key-swapping swingers’ party at the Dithers’ house. By “looking forward to,” of course, I mean “planning my suicide around.”

  41. Illustrator Steve
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    MT – Wow! This is just like the tension building up in the famous circle shoot-out scene at the end of the movie ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’. Only this time while the BAD guy’s choice of weapon is a gun, the GOOD guy choose a fishing rod and the UGLY choose a crutch to draw sympathy to himself by limping into the circle.
    And, as Otto stands there listening to Juan ramble on, he recalls a famous line from that classic spaghetti western. A line recited by Tuco the bandit, “If your gonna shoot, SHOOT, don’t talk!”

  42. endless sky
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#32): “shredded coconut pubic hair” Bwahahhhhhh

    FW: Shouldn’t Crazy and John pop up at the bathroom door with a non-funny quip?

  43. Mikey
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    MW: “I’m excited about the design I have in mind! It’s a nature theme that involves Chimpanzees, Tigers, Elephants and a Giant Spider-Man wearing a Tiara!. No, wait..that’s just too fucking stupid Mary…I think I’ll just take your original advice and commit suicide.”

  44. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

  45. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @Shrug, Being Rather a Handful (#Y274): Waugh showed nice predictive powers there, didn’t he? Of course anyone who was fanatical about reading was bound to wind up at Amazon. . . .

    I’m not trapped there, am I? I can leave after I’ve finished Edwin Drood, right?

    // Wait! Dickens never finished Edwin Drood himself! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

  46. Jasper
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW- Disaster strikes when a 3 Stooges convention takes place right next to the Santa Royale Great Cake-off.

  47. TheDiva
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Curtis: So this is basically “Tam Lin,” only the protagonists don’t actually do anything. (Maybe it’s the Spider-Man variation?) Also, I never did trust those damn bush babies…creepy little things, like a Margaret Keane kid with fur…

    MW: Only in Mary Worth would Giella pink be considered in any way natural.

  48. Horace Broon
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    A3G: Don’t worry, Evan. Greg’s only across the hall. I’m sure the blast will take his apartment out as well.

    ASM: JJJ has totally given up trying to follow the plot, and who can blame him?

    DT: Dick isn’t being metaphorical about Broadway having to live in Oswald’s shadow in Broadway’s-Brother’s-City-That-Cannot-Be-Named-But-It’s-Gotham. Every time you see the Penguin in a Batman comic and there’s a shadow behind him, Broadway is in the shadow, seething about costumed crimefighters but legally unable to appear on panel.

    MW: It’s becoming apparent that the artist has no idea how to draw a cake that doesn’t look like a “classic” cake, but is still recognisable as a cake. The finalists will all be circular cakes covered in pink and white icing, but with a plastic tree or something on top.

  49. Mikey
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    MT: Geez Juan, your gun looks small enough to be a decoration on a cake! Maybe a beautiful nature themed safari cake! Have you ever thought about given up crime and going into the designer cake catering business?

    ASM: Kraven! Kraven! Kraven!

  50. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#2): 99% of exotic dancers

    You’ve been watching Nickelodeon, again, haven’t you?

  51. Spirit Lioness
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

  52. Mikey
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#41): Ha ha!! That’s awesome! Or think of Blondie reading the note from Bright Eyes and handing it to Peter parker..”It’s for you…”

  53. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Archie: This strip was originally published in 1605, with slightly different dialog:

    BETTY
    That’s almost in shape of a camel.
    REG
    Jeepers! It is like a camel, indeed.
    VERONICA
    I think it is like a weasel.
    JUGHEAD
    It is backed like a weasel.
    ARCHIE
    Or like a whale?
    MOOSE
    Very like a whale.

    Broom Hilda: Boing.

    GA: It’s risible because Slim doesn’t know what ignominious means. What a jobbernowl!

    Piranha Club: Perhaps the patient should have been suspicious when Doc Pork asked him to take his pants off when he had a bump on the head.

  54. Jasper
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    All the sweet green icing flowing down, someone left the cake out in the rain.

  55. Holly Folly
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    I would die laughing if Mr. Dill’s cake was an exact replica of the one he made before, pink horses and everything.

  56. KreatureFeatures
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    BC: So this strip is now set on Easter Island, where there is a Department of Motor Vehicles? That would explain how the gigantic stone heads were moved. Thanks BC, for solving this perplexing mystery.

  57. TheDiva
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    9CL: I’m starting to think Amos knows it wasn’t a dream and is doing this to bait Edda. I’m not sure if this quite brings him down to her level of loathsomeness in the situation, but it’s a good start.

    A3G: “She’s been wearing that bustier I love so much!”

    C’shaft: “Dammit!…Uh, I mean, whew, what a relief!”

    FW: No, you’re not, and no, he doesn’t.

    Luann: Does…does Evans expect us to find Ann and TJ’s antagonistic relationship arousing? Cause that’s about the only thing that would make this arc even more skin-crawlingly repulsive.

    MT: “Don’t make me shoot you! CROW!!!”

  58. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    This is Alt-Universe bbu’s cat.

    The Circle Of Life, ferret-style.

    not entirely sure if this is for Poteet or not, but it’s pretty freakin’ sweet.

    fail. set the browser to clear it every time it closes, end of problem. No need for a bracelet.

    for True Fable.

    hovercorgi take-off.

    corgipup + snow = squee.

  59. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#47): “I never did trust those damn bush babies…creepy little things, like a Margaret Keane kid with fur…”

    good call.

  60. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @Holly Folly (#55): I would die laughing if Mr. Dill’s cake was an exact replica of the one he made before, pink horses and everything.

    Why not? Giella’s already drawn it! It’s just a cut and past job now. And horses are natural, right?

  61. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    MW John, Mary has her own nature theme design in mind: Spawning salmon.

    FW “I think you still shine up pretty well.”
    “Really? Then please rub me hard, really hard.”

    FC How about one that fits, fat ass? Put PJ’s coats back in the closet, Jeffy.

  62. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Spirit Lioness (#51): ROFL!

    bats :[, you rock.

  63. Downpuppy
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox shows kids how to draw an elephant that looks nothing likean elephant.

    Baffled I am.

    As usual.

  64. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#60): “And horses are natural, right?”

    ayup. (yay)

  65. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#60): Like Woody Allen, I have no plans to die at all. (So far, so good.) But if it turned out to be necessary, dying laughing doesn’t sound too bad. But please, NOT at a Mary Worth comic strip.

  66. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    3G – Yes, the closet’s a perfect place to hide, Evan. Oh, there’s another word there. Huh. Well, might as well get on with it. As I see it, you’re doomed. You’ll buy some candy and get gunned down by a blue guy who sees your hoodie and decides to stand his ground, because Shulock is just really uneasy writing about any ‘bad’ character for more than a few weeks without having something happen to them.

    Blondie – Dagwood puts every trivial event of his life on his Facebook page. It’s like he thinks it’s a comics page!

    Slylock – I’m thinking of pioneering a bold new cartooning style based on the middle steps of these “how to draw” strips. A strangely chthuloid snowman! With no hands! And Orphan Annie eyes! It’s utterly untrodden territory!

  67. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Snuffy – Somebody in Hootin’ Holler has discovered the internet. Look for future strips where the characters’ tongues loll as they shout “LOL!” And listen to Snuffy’s new remix of his theme song, “Aw! Aw! AWW! R O T F L, I’m bodacious!”

    AD DMV! Sign print! Spell check! Truly, we are in a golden age of anachronism.

    Oh, and there’s some kind of sight gag thing going on, too.

    Curtis – I see a new final panel we can use in a lot of situations! We can start with Apartment 3G and Rose is Rose!

    Dick – What pop culture hero is Dick referring to? The shadow knows!

  68. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Ischemicshaft Damn! They had their chance and they blew it! I can’t believe Jeff and Pam were stupid enough to take him to the emergency room. Oh, wait,… of course I can.

  69. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Mark – They’ll have an entire conversation in the time it takes that Strike King Red Eye Shad Bait to fly ten feet through the air. Juan will have time to describe the action in detail as it wraps around the stock and hooks it (“Oh no! Now he is pulling on the line! The gun is flying from my hands, also!”). We’ll probably be able to go out for dinner and a movie while the heavy rifle falls to the ground, and we can maybe read a book as Juan picks it up again and fires several futile shots into Mark’s head.

    Marmaduke – “Sit up! Beg, boy! Beg!”

    Mary – “I’m excited about the design I have in mind for the platonic ideal of ‘cake.’ I’m thinking round, with two layers, and white frosting with pink squiggles. Nobody who sees it will fail to know that here, by God, is a freaking cake. Publishers will beg me for tiny steel engravings of it for use in the dictionary definition of ‘cake.’ Wait, beauty of nature? Okay, I’ll stick a bird on it.”

  70. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#69):

    Okay, I’ll stick a bird on it.

    Bwahaha! – is this cake competition being held in Portlandia?

  71. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Rx – “What do three exotic dancers do in retirement?”
    It’s obvious. “A comic Strip.” (Hey, where’s Bmujle Fejf? This is a natural!)

    R=R – Then a lemur or bushbaby or whatever stabs them in the neck with a poison arrow! It’s comic gold, I tell ya!

    xkcd – I don’t remember what school it was, but for several weeks, a guy wearing a striped shirt was running out onto the football field every day, blowing a whistle, and then throwing bird seed around. At the end of that time, there was a big football game. The ref ran out onto the field, blew his whistle, and was instantly covered in birds. I hope and pray that this story is true.

  72. mvg
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    GT: Waitaminute, Milford was down by 7 — so trailing by 10 at the half qualifies as “roaring back”? Looks like Marty Moon’s back on the sauce, ladies & gents.

  73. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    @Shrug, Being Rather a Handful (#y274): SF? I’ve seen the story in several anthologies (maybe Hitchcock, maybe Ellery Queen), but I don’t recall it being in any SF collections.

    Josh – Actually, Harriet is flashing back to when they were married, at which time they were drawn by Bob Barnes in a completely different style.

    @TheDiva (#47): I got to read a part in the LibriVox version of “Tam Lin” (that is, Jo Walton’s play). It was fun, though not as social as most plays or readings, since I did all my lines, one after the other, right here, by myself.

  74. Jim in Wisc.
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Luann: And a thin plot line gets even thinner.

  75. DAS
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Christopher (#1): masked vigilantes? Broadway? How long before they rip off Spiderman?

  76. giraffe-o
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    BH : Harriet’s really just initiating some elaborate role-playing, by ordering Stanley to give her a “DNA sample”… wink wink

  77. bats :[
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#14): really, even kids know that Mark is just a scootch less than a Nature God! His weapons are not our weapons! (This might be why he’s loath to taking Rusty fishing, or to include him in just about any activities, come to think of it.)

  78. bunivasal
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Man, I kind of want to see the no-holds-barred cage match happening between Mary Worth’s writer and artist.

    “It’s a beauty-of-nature cake contest!”
    “Cakes are pink and frosted, or nothing at all!”
    “I’ll kill you, picture fiend!”
    “Not if I kill you first, word mangler!”

  79. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#74):

    Luann: And a thin plot line gets even thinner.

    I’m kinda hoping that it devolves into an endless spiral of retaliation that drags on for years and consumes the strip and all of the other characters as collateral victims in a war of attrition.
    //Oops! There goes one of my New Year’s resolutions.

  80. BigBadDave
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Seems like Mr Dill is a little confused. He thinks he’s entering a cake design contest but in fact has just started subscribing to Oil Drum Weekly.

  81. Downpuppy
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @mvg (#72): I think Milford is up by 10.

    People used to raise peacocks, but they’re nasty & useless, so not so much anymore.

  82. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#Y227): The phrase “They’re pink, squishy and have little folds around a hole” better not be a quote from Mary Worth.

  83. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    DT: Nice touch with the Batman shadow on the wall. Dick hasn’t explained why Broadway tried to ice his own henchlady/girlfriend though.

    MW: “Our next entry, from Mr. John Dill and Mrs. Mary Worth, is called ‘There’s Pink Stuff in Nature, Right? Help Me Out Here’.”

    FW: It’s true that telling people that your name is “Funky” is something that doesn’t wear well with age.

    C-Shaft: The stabbing pains weren’t somebody actually knifing Crankshaft. This time.

    Archie: Archie’s abstract sculpture isn’t nearly as captivating as his surrealist eye necktie.

    BC: Okay, I know it’s BC and anachronisms are part of the deal, always have been. Still, unless you can trouble yourself to actually draw Stone Age computers, the spell check references mean nothing.

    RMMD: “So there it is, Melissa. That’s our business plan”
    “Pah! Caterers are a dime a dozen. What’s new that you can bring to the table.”
    “What if I said we’ll do topless catering?”
    “… Tell me more.”

    HtH: Hey, the Lockhorns grew actual horns!

    FC: Hey Jeffy, why don’t you take a walk on the wild side and wear a coat that fucking fits?

    DtM: Mickey Dolenz is manning the counter so I assume Dennis and his dad have wandered onto the set of a Monkees episode.

    OBH: Buggy’s gift to Ruthie does NOT require a great deal of Freudian analysis.

    A3G: I’d love to see a burglar break into Margo’s apartment now.
    “What the..? This crazy bitch has got a life-size Ken doll in her closet. Hell, probably worth something on the collector’s market.”

  84. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#69): Never in a million years would I have thought of John Dill as a character on “Portlandia.”

  85. seismic-2
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    MW: “The theme of this year’s contest is ‘The Beauty of Nature’, so I’ve decided to drape garlands and pink and white frosting on a huge, steaming pile of pig manure! OK, now get to baking, Mary!”

  86. Downpuppy
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

  87. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#50): You’ve been watching Nickelodeon, again, haven’t you?

    No, personal experience, including six years of being married to one. You can quibble about the 99% figure, and the differences between establishments and what is expected as part of the job description, but the bottom line is that this candy-coated, “they will all retire and start their own catering business” is the type of naive nonsense that does not have any relationship to how the “business” really works, or the type of people who typically end up trapped in it.

  88. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#35):

    Luann- Hopefully Ann can use TJ’s confession of being a con man to blackmail him into drowning himself in a toilet.

    Optimist!

    Mary Worth- I can’t wait to see what the unstoppable 1-2 punch of Mary and Dill arrange giant globs of green and brown frosting into and call a nature scene.

    “I’m excited about the design I have in mind.”
    http://www.gonemovies.com/WWW/WanadooFilms/ScienceFiction/closeEncounters3.jpg

  89. bats :[
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

  90. Doctor Handsome
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    “Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot, but they don’t seem very scared of Mitt Romney. I’ll have to become… something more.”

  91. bats :[
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#53): clap! clap! clap! Bravo, Hamlet!

  92. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#77): Another gem!

  93. Perky Bird
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Curtis: How, exactly, does this story relate to Kwanzaa? Is one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa “Homicidal Bush Babies?”

  94. Doctor Handsome
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    “Nice try, impostor! The man I married had six fingers, eight toes, and THREE hairs!”

  95. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#91): Thanks!

    [*]

  96. Doctor Handsome
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Why exactly isn’t Buzz the Bushbaby the star of his very own ongoing strip? Would anyone in the universe not find him a more compelling protagonist than a jerkoff like Curtis?

  97. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    9CL — Edda is either getting fooled, or Amos did her a second time — only this time while she was asleep.

  98. Mikey
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#34): Mary will be wearing a fox pelt ala Prince Valiant to disguise her true identity at the Cake Playdowns.

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#35):

    Mark Trail- Mark doesn’t feel that Juan looks piratey enough. So he’s going to hook him in the eye and force that son of a bitch to have to wear an eye patch.

    Then in a fit of Worthian career counseling he’ll gift Otto with a barrel organ and a monkey.

  100. bats :[
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#95): you are brilliant, Sirrah! BRILLIANT!

  101. Doctor Handsome
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    I like that Mary is the one actually baking something, while Dill spends all afternoon contemplating primitive doodles of rudimentary cake-shaped objects he’s drawn. You picked a winner, Mare!

  102. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#100): Why thank you! This praise is so unexpected. I’m sure I don’t deserve it.

    By the way, your mash-up today, with Mark catching the villainous villain by the nose with his fishing rod, thereby thwarting his villainy, was down right fulgent, effulgent, and refulgent!

  103. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#84): I seem to have wandered near something I don’t know about. What’s the story there?

  104. Doctor Handsome
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    Also, is Dill’s first name Grover? Did Scut Farkus’s crummy little toady grow up to be Mary Worth’s crummy little toady? Because that would make a lot of sense.

  105. Dr. P and the Women
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    RMMD: I’m just relieved that Rex and June have apparently recovered from the monstrous facial deformities that afflicted them yesterday. The health inspector should probably shut that clam place down; I’m going to guess mercury poisoning was what made everyone go all Picasso for a while. We can only hope that Unidentified Large Chested Woman has made a full recovery as well.

  106. Mr. O’Malley
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    A conviction that a loved one has been replaced by an imposter may be a rare condition in isolation, but as a symptom of schizophrenia it’s quite common. It’s not generally possible to overcome it by rational argument, even the results of a DNA test.

    One theory is that it’s caused by the recognition brain function working properly, but the emotional aspect not operating.

  107. Jasper
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    MW- Anyone who knows anything about cake baking knows that the superbowl of cake baking contests is the Upper Midwests Bakery Association’s Ultimate Cake Contest February 23-24, 2013 in Minnesota. It just shows how 2nd rate the Santa Royale cake contest is to be scheduled at the same time.

    What the hell have I become? Sitting here posting in detail about some dumb-ass comic strip’s cake plot when I should be working. Its no wonder my daughter thinks I’m insane when I go home and bitch about some fictional old bag who meddles in everyone’s business.

  108. pugfuggly
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#20):

    Sweet! Just remember not to eat the cake. Once the other judges take a bite and run from the hall screaming in pain, I’ll be a shoe-in!

    @bats :[ (#77):

    Wow, right out of my brain on onto my screen! If Mark Trail doesn’t start making rod wrangling a regular feature, I think Spiderman should steal the idea and introduce a new villain : ‘The Angler’. Hey, couldn’t be any worse than Spidey trying to outwit a trained chimp.

  109. Chyron HR
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#96): How, exactly, does this story relate to Kwanzaa?

    Why, Sherman, surely you’ve heard of… cooperative neck-onomics?

  110. Voshkod
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#108):

    Angler was Dick Cheney’s Secret Service codename. And I think I can safely avoid politics by saying he’d be a great Spiderman villain.

  111. bbofun
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#87): Seriously, you’re upset that Rex Morgan, MD isn’t treating strippers in a realistic fashion? This is the strip where Rex is being made a hero in San Diego, one of the largest cities in the US, because he saved an old lady with CPR? Wherein one of Rex’s patients HIRED him to check out what was happening at one of her properties, because, after all, that’s what you do with your doctor?

    What I’m suggesting is, RMMD is NOT the place to look for REALISTIC depictions of- well, pretty much human life.

    (ps- I know you had a bad experience, and you should learn from experience, but, as my mother used to say- “Just because it’s your experience, doesn’t make it everyone’s.” That’s simply justifying prejudice- judging all on the actions of a few. END OF RANT)

  112. seismic-2
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#110): If introducing Dick Cheney into the strip would result in Spidey’s being peppered with birdshot, then I am totally in favor of it.

  113. Sequitur
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    BC: I like the use of SPUD as a sound effect.

  114. Oregonian
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    I’d like to formally thank Josh for providing my one remaining internet refuge that isn’t gripped with Downton Abbey Fever.

  115. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

  116. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    MW — Nature, huh? How about a cake of a platypus giving birth to a monkey via C-section? https://www.google.com/search?q=Ultimate+Cake+Contest&hl=en&client=firefox-a&tbo=u&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&channel=fflb&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=JBDnUN_wCaOh2QXdtYE4&ved=0CEoQsAQ&biw=1303&bih=616

    (don’t ask me how I came up with this. I HONESTLY was Googling for ultimate cake pictures…)

  117. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#116): Sorry, the link is http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3499/4038095294_956c2e3299_o.jpg and it turns out that it is actually a cake depiction of a scene from The Empire Strikes Back.

  118. Mikey
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#117): Hey! Its Moe! Kraven’s chimp!

  119. Marc
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#89): Haha nice. Hang onto that picture for when Mary makes a cake in Wilbur’s likeness for his birthday.

  120. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#111):

    Eh, I’m just ranting, the same way I ranted about the “Rex instantly becomes world-famous, with random surfer dudes stopping him for an autograph” part of the story. Now, we are clearly headed for an “everyone lived happily ever after” wrap-up before the Morgans head home after their weekend visit. As usual for a Wilson strip, they will be praised as heroes and showered with gifts, all for doing little more than showing up and watching as everyones’ problems magically resolved themselves.

    And I wouldn’t call it a “bad experience” that I had, just a little insight into what goes on behind the scenes that doesn’t exactly square with the way things are portrayed, in RMMD or in popular culture as a whole.

  121. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    CONFIDENTIAL TO MARY WORTH: Keep that long wooden spoon handy. Once you see Mr. Dill’s cake, you’ll want something to gag yourself handy.

  122. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#117): Wow. That is amazing. So are the images from the other post. So, Giella, is what, about what, a hundred? No internet, no interest in it, and no clue that cake decoration has changed from what he remembers from his local county fair in 1948.

  123. greghousesgf
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

  124. Poteet
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

  125. bats :[
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

  126. bbofun
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Cranky- “So, put away the champagne and party balloons, folks.”

    FW- Actual question- is “you still shine up’ or “you shine up” an actual expression? Or is it like “vendos,” just something Batiuk made up because he doesn’t know how actual humans talk?

    JP- In panel three, the role of the judge will be played by the corpse of Bela Lugosi.

    SF- I always enjoy it when Ted’s the sensible one. (Actually, I pretty much always enjoy this strip- I know it doesn’t get the praise that Cul de Sac or Pearls Before Swine get, but it’s consistently funny and interesting.)

    9CL- So, the “snoring” remark suggests to me that my supposition of yesterday was correct- but with a twist. Amos KNOWS it wasn’t a dream, and was just trying to give them both an out on breaking their pact- but, since neither he nor Edda are remotely mature, he can’t resist insulting her- since, after all, it was “just a dream.” (You know, if I liked these characters, I might find this amusing- and would think this could lead to an interesting plot complication- but, since I don’t, it’s just annoying.)

    LUANN- So, Ann’s not only a sexual harasser and a con artist, but a pickpocket? Is it wrong that she’s my favorite character in this strip?

  127. Poteet
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#116): After seeing the cat in the top row, I’ve lost my will to live.

  128. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#2): That’s a rather dark and cynical view of the situation. I was thinking more in terms of:
    Catering? Don’t they have to have culinary skills? Accounting ability? Legal knowledge? Not to mention equipment and vehicles. And the mantra is not how many people you know, it’s who you know. Are any of these beach losers that turn up at $10 beerfests really in the market for a regular catering service? Is this something that they suggested themselves or are they just going to exclaim that the Great Dr. Rex says it, so it is by definition awesome (and they will jiggle their oversized boobs around to exclaim their excitement).

  129. Terminal Boredom
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: I’m pretty sure that frog-venom is a South American thing. DO YOUR RESEARCH COMIC STRIP WRITERS!

  130. Poteet
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#117): And now I’ve regained it. BWAHAHAHA!

  131. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 4th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#128):

    I’m sorry, I lost track of everything you said before “jiggle their oversized boobs around to exclaim their excitement”.

  132. Anonymous
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: It’s a Love that smells of kitty litter, bacon, and dead gazelle.

  133. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    MW: I thought Dill didn’t want to be influenced by the work of others, yet there he is, looking at the work of others while making his cake plans. Hypocrite. Liar. Fraud. Mary will know, simply by the guilty look in your eyes, Mr. Dill.

  134. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#103): Oh, quasi-sketch comedy show about Northwest Kingdom organic coffee enthusiasts. One of their more famous bits had a recurring “put a bird on it” line. Thought you might be referring to that.

  135. Poteet
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    MW — The beauty of nature, eh? Not quite as promising as “The beauty of human reproduction,” but I’ll take it, I’ll take it.

  136. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Better Half: Wha? She keeps her husband’s DNA on file somewhere?

    In college, I took a DNA test. I got a B-/C+. DNA is very complicated, you know.

  137. Chip Whittle
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    You know, in Santa Rosa, “flat white concrete-park-like expanses of icing with salmon pink dotting” is nature.

  138. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (Y276): It makes the aliens look weak and ignorant, that they can’t control their livestock, but it doesn’t activate my “too-good-for-this” trope knee-jerk.

    @Peanut Gallery (Y283): For me it’s the periodic table and electron shells. But what if we’re captured by arts majors?

  139. Calico
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    Didn’t Dr. Oliver Sacks write a book about this, among other, conditions?
    “The man who mistook his wife for a hat”

    Also refer to the wonderful movie “Awakenings”, based on a particular Sacks case somewhat different from Capgras.

  140. tallyHO
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @Jasper (#107):

    Insane or better prepared to deal with life’s unexpected meddlers before they begin meddling?

  141. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#110): So could Dick Butkus. Or Dick Dale. In fact I think it’s safe to say that any old Dick would have a good shot at beating Spider-Man.

  142. Calico
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    “Nature cakes”
    Josh, you been sneaking off to Amsterdam AGAIN?! ; D

  143. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Antiquated Tory (#39): COTW nomination!

  144. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#40): Damn it, clicked the wrong Reply. Meant to nominate this for COTW. Sorry, Tory; nothing wrong with your comment, but it’s not supposed to be funny.

  145. Jim in Wisc.
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#79):
    Speaking of devolving, is it just me or is Luann starting to devolve to a level of ridiculousness rivaling Mary Worth and Mark Trail?

  146. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#125): SEE??? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT!!! How disgusting.

    @bbofun (#126): I totally missed the pickpocketing. Ann Eifel for the win!

    @hogenmogen (#136): She’s going to give him a handy-jay. Stanley should be happy he’s getting lucky tonight.

  147. Jim in Wisc.
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Wow! Who’d have thunk Santa Royale was such a hot bed of competitive cake decorating?

  148. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    It is really bothering me that Rex flippantly suggests that the strippers should go into catering. When I complain that I’m dissatisfied with my job, sometimes people suggest idiotic things that they have only given a tenth of a second of thought to. I’m an accountant. I had a friend in town who was suggesting places to apply. Every time we passed a large looking company, he’d suggest applying there. “Why don’t you try ABC Corp?” “Why don’t you try XYZ Amalgamated?” “Hey, why don’t you apply there at … I can’t read that sign… Wal-something… Wal-Mart? People spend lots of money there. They definitely need an accountant!” The final straw was when he suggested a career change to “Hey, why don’t you become a CFO? They earn a lot at the Fortune 500 companies.” My father suggested that I buy an unfinished house in my neighborhood for $100k, finish it up and sell it for $300k. I could earn $200k in a year. Well, first, the house wasn’t for sale for $100k, it was for sale (unfinished) for $285k. Second, I’m an accountant, not a contractor. Third, the cost of the materials would cut the profit in half, even if we could talk the bank into taking a 65% haircut and that one lone novice could perform the job in a year.

    Rex to strippers: Hey, we’ve got your career path all worked out! Catering!
    Strippers to Rex: Fuck off and take your bourgeois pate’ plates with ya. This is our career path. Phoenix is going to keep her head shaved and pretend to have cancer. We live rent-free and we’ve never made so much in our lives with our clothes still on.

  149. LogopolisMike
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#146):

    She’s going to give him a handy-jay. Stanley should be happy he’s getting lucky tonight.

    Which means she’s going to help him blow his nose.

    (I’m sorry but the phallic nature of Stanley’s face has been bothering me ever since Josh started covering this comic. I apologize if this has been done to death already by fellow like-minded, lowbrow commenters who are here more often.)

  150. Sequitur
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @LogopolisMike (#149): That gives a whole new meaning to the term, “nose job.”

  151. The Diamond in the Window
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    “I look forward to seeing it,” Dr. Dill, which means have it on my desk first thing in the morning.
    “But Mary, I’m just having too good a time sitting here and musing over this collection of 8 x 10 photographs of decorated cakes I like to strew over my kitchen table…”

  152. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    MT: I LEFT HOME TO GO BONE FISHING, AND I WILL GO BONE FISHING!

  153. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#122): On the day of the contest will we see:

    (a) a hall filled entirely with tiered cakes, all white with pink frosting
    (b) a cake that looks like a single drop of dew reflecting a field of wildflowers, a cake that looks like a newborn fawn nestled against a log, a cake that looks like an alpine waterfall frozen in midwinter, and Dill’s cake: two tiers, white with pink frosting
    or
    (c) nothing but awed spectators surrounding Dill’s cake and declaring that it must be the winner?

  154. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#147): I’m not going to sugar-coat it, the competition is biting. This is no piece of cake, you know…

  155. Sequitur
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#153): or…
    (d) Wilbur walks closer to Dill’s cake to get a better look, trips and falls into the cake totally ruining it. And this before the judges had a chance to look at it.

    Wilbur walks away licking himself and saying, “Mmmmm!”

  156. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#147): One entrant got cut because he showed up baked. They dished out some harsh punishment.

  157. Red Greenback
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    You’d best be steppin’ up your game, Dill. I hear tell the Santa Royale Krishna Temple is entering this bad boy.

  158. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @LogopolisMike (#149): Ah ha ha. Ha ha. Ew. What do you think of the daddy’s scnozz in Baby Blues?

    @hogenmogen (#156): Well, it’s the planning committee’s fault. Who else schedules judging at 4:20?

  159. Arabella
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#126):FW: The expression, as I have always heard it, is “He/she cleans up pretty well,” which may be a Southern regional thing. I’ve never heard the “shine” reference. Maybe it’s the Midwest version.

  160. Peanut Gallery
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#138):

    But what if we’re captured by arts majors?

    No problem, I’ll just recite some of the works of William Topaz McGonagall.

  161. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#148): I gotta agree with your rant.

    TRUE STORY: Back in ’03 I was a newly-unemployed Solaris/Windows administrator (I worked for a dot-com that tanked after 9/11) who was teaching part time at a tech school and working other computer gigs to make ends meet (my take-home went down by 75% that year — that’s how bad it was). I was also having some minor trouble with my meds at the same time, and I had a newborn, so bills were piling up faster than my paltry insurance could handle. I eventually had to sell my house and move in with my in-laws to save money.

    Knowing all this, an older man at my church finds out that I “work on computers”, and offers to “help” me get a job at BestBuy. He told me that a this minimum wage job “is a good place to start for somebody with your skill-set”. Keep in mind, I’m teaching college to a number of ex-BestBuy employees at this point.

    The kicker is, he recently retired from the local HP plant, and could have helped me get in there easily (I eventually ended up there, anyhow, without anybody’s help). The guy wasn’t being mean in any way; and the fact that he was actually being honest and sincere in his desire to “help” was the only thing keeping me from setting fire to his car.

  162. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 4th, 2013 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    The real difficulty came about when Dill was informed that he was not allowed to taste his entry after it had been accepted into the competition, even once the contest was over. Apparently, you cannot have your cake and eat it, too.

  163. commodorejohn
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    I do so love the art in the Curtis Kwanzaarama strips. There’s so many neat little touches. Like the way that panels three and four here are almost a contiguous picture, even though they represent two different moments in time, and Panel-Two Witch’s shoulder is on line with Killer Monkey’s spear so it looks like he’s stabbing across time. Also the way the stabbing is very carefully kept off-panel except for the fact that it’s all gruesomely depicted in her shadow on the wall.

    So will Maya and Edidna be changed back to human form with the witch’s death, or are they cursed to spend the rest of their lives as a lion and a pig? Does this make them Pluggers?

  164. seismic-2
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    MW: Is today’s gross mis-match between the dialog describing the contest theme and the visuals showing Dill’s planned entries perhaps the latest sortie in the Moy vs. Giella civil war? When even Congress can come to an agreement (however temporary) to avoid the effects of the Fiscal Cliff, can the Mary Worth creators maybe agree at least not to deepen the obvious rift between them? Can’t we all get along? Think of the children!

  165. Lenoxus
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    I like how pig-Edidna is sticking out her tongue, as if to say “No way I’m eating my boyfriend, even if he’s now a tasty lion. Gross.”

  166. Dr. P and the Women
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#2): Easy there, man. I don’t know what kind of Frank Miller-esque urban hellscape you’ve been checking but I know plenty of dancers who are neither stray kittens in need of shelter or parasitic toothless drug addicts. It’s a job, like any other. Not one I’d choose for myself (besides which I don’t think a lot of people would be lining up to throw cash at some tall gangly bespectacled dude) but maybe you should ease up on the judgement just a tad.

  167. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#145):

    Speaking of devolving, is it just me or is Luann starting to devolve to a level of ridiculousness rivaling Mary Worth and Mark Trail?

    Yeah, you’d think it was a competition or something.

  168. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. P and the Women (#166): I don’t think a lot of people would be lining up to throw cash at some tall gangly bespectacled dude

    You haven’t met my mother, obviously. :)

  169. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#161): You’re a software administrator, so he figured that selling dryers, restocking CDs and setting up TV displays would boost your career? And you need help getting a minimum wage gig?

    Because I’m an accountant, maybe I could set up shop selling pencils on the sidewalk.

    In RexWorld/Parkerverse, that would net me six figures annually.

  170. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#159):

    FW: The expression, as I have always heard it, is “He/she cleans up pretty well,” which may be a Southern regional thing. I’ve never heard the “shine” reference. Maybe it’s the Midwest version.

    I think you’re correct – the expression is “cleans up pretty well.” But “clean” wouldn’t fit the joke; it wouldn’t be nearly as lame funny.

  171. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#161): Where are the strippers shaking their titties? How can this story be relevant with shaking titties?

  172. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. P and the Women (#166): I’m going to see if I can work “Frank Miller-esque urban hellscape” into a conversation today.

    Your description is a little off. “Hellscape” I’ll give you, but in Frank Miller’s world, strippers and hookers are all super-hot and they aren’t looking for a career change.

  173. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#160): Will that cross linguistic and cultural boundaries the way conic sections and sp3 hybridization does?

  174. Shrug, Researching Like the Dickens
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#73):

    “SF? I’ve seen the story in several anthologies (maybe Hitchcock, maybe Ellery Queen), but I don’t recall it being in any SF collections.”

    Looks like I first read it in the July/August 1953 issue of FANTASTIC, an sf/f magazine — it was, at various stages of its existence, almost all sf, almost all fantasy, and some of each; in the early issues such as this one it was some of each. (No, I didn’t read it in 1953; I’m not quite that old. But I got the back issue collecting bug early.)

    It has been reprinted in several mixed crime/horror/suspense/weird stuff anthologies, but you’re right about no purely sf ones (not that I’d expect it to be, since even as horror it’s a slight stretch). Up to mid-1990s these include:

    A CENTURY OF HORROR STORIES, ed Dennis Wheatley, 1935 (and derivative pb reprint)
    ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS: STORIES FOR LATE AT NIGHT, ed. nominally by AH but actually ghost-edited by Robert Arthur, 1961 (and derivative pb reprints)
    BEST TALES OF TERROR, ed. Edmund Crispin, 1962
    9TH FONTANA BOOK OF GREAT HORROR STORIES, ed. Mary Dalby, 1975
    A CHILL TO THE SUNLIGHT, ed. Rick Ferreira, 1976
    TERRORS, TORMENTS AND TRAUMAS, ed. Helen Hoke, 1978
    65 GREAT TALES OF HORROR, ed. Danby, 1981
    GREAT SHORT TALES OF MYSTERY AND TERROR, ed. anon, 1982
    THE PENGUIN BOOK OF HORROR STORIES, ed. J. A. Cudden, 1984
    THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF CLASSIC CHILLERS, ed. Tim Haydock, 1986
    THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS, ed. Michael O’Shaughnassy, 1988
    THE BOOK OF FANTASY, ed. Jorge Luis Borges, English language ed. 1989

    (above data, other than the FANTASTIC cite, is from THE SUPERNATURAL INDEX, ed. Mike Ashley and William G. Contento, Greenwood Press, 1995)

  175. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#162):

    The real difficulty came about when Dill was informed that he was not allowed to taste his entry after it had been accepted into the competition, even once the contest was over. Apparently, you cannot have your cake and eat it, too.

    Given that Mary is probably handling the baking part, that would be a blessing.

  176. Uncle Lumpy
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#153):

    … a hall filled entirely with tiered cakes, all white with pink frosting.

    I read that as “a hall filled entirely with tired cakes …”, and see no reason why I shouldn’t.

  177. bats :[
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#157): looks like a whole buncha bad boys!

    @hogenmogen (#156): don’t sugar-coat these harsh truths, hogenmogen!

  178. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#160): I’ve got it! We could decorate cakes! We’d have to sculpt them from a mixture of our own excrement and bedding, but how could our captors fail to see our intelligence when we re-create their likeness in poop and straw?

  179. Shrug, Proudly Displaying Tinyurl, or Possibly Tinyjoke
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy (#81):

    “People used to raise peacocks, but they’re nasty & useless, so not so much anymore.”

    They’re not totally useless; they can always provide sustenance for their natural enemy, the polar bear:

    http://tinyurl.com/ae4qzhq

  180. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: A catering business might not work, but a “catering” business could. “Three buxom retired strippers bring a sumptuous feast to your home or business. We’ll personally serve your guests and leave everyone satisfied. Visa, MC or AmEx.”

  181. Calico
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#170):
    In New England, I’ve heard “polish up nicely.”

    Zits – Oh come on! You can do it!
    “Seems to me”
    “Can’t be”
    “He can’t see”
    You, dude, will never become Bob Dylan Jr. Just let it flow, man.

  182. Calico
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#180):
    I think I see a pilot for a wacky new comedy…

  183. pugfuggly
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#164):

    I’m really hoping that the actual event will be in the vein of the infamous A3G piano.

    “Oh my god!” the judges will say, looking to the right off panel, “That is the most beautiful cake I’ve ever seen! It’s enormous, and it fits the theme perfectly. How did you do that thing with the lemon zest? FIRST PRIZE!”

    The next panel will be Mary and Cakeman celebrating at the Bum Boat with a cup of decaff, and Cakeman saying something about how he couldn’t have done it without her. Mary will respond that all he had to do was believe in himself, and finish the whole thing off with a caption saying : “Love is like a good cake; you never know when it’s coming, but you’d better eat it when it does!” ~C. JoyBell C.

  184. Shrug, Taking a Nibble at the Idea
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#108):

    “I think Spiderman should steal the idea and introduce a new villain : ‘The Angler’. ”

    Aquaman used to have an ongoing fishing-rod-carrying villain called The Fisherman — close enough?

    /// So, a villain who kept getting defeated by Aquaman, who is himself generally snarked at as a third-rate DC hero, would still be good enough to inspire an inferior knock-off in the Marvel universe, who will no doubt be good enough to whomp and humiliate newspaper Spidey for months on end? Sounds plausible to me.

  185. Jim in Wisc.
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#167):
    Ya know, I can see Luann still around 50 years from now … and she’s still the same narcissistic teenager. Evans’ estate hires hacks to write the stories and farms the artwork out to low-wage graphics shops in Korea … or worse they just recycle old strips like some massive clipart library.

  186. Shrug, Letting George Do It
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#110):

    “Angler was Dick Cheney’s Secret Service codename. And I think I can safely avoid politics by saying he’d be a great Spiderman villain.”

    And after the CURTIS Bushbaby grows up, Angler can be his vice president!

  187. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#180): “Specializing in box lunches.”

  188. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#183):

    See also: Sophie’s cheerleader routine in Judge Parker.

  189. Little Guy
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: She should have made them into Ravens and Steelers fans.

  190. Shrug, Seeing Your Helix and Doubling
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#136):

    “In college, I took a DNA test. I got a B-/C+.”

    You should have studied for it, and not just copied the DNA from the guy sitting in front of you. Teachers are wise to that one.

    /// And no, using the old DNA exam your frat house had on file doesn’t work either; they do keep the same questions each year, but they change the answers.

  191. Shrug, with a Cleese Encounter
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#148):

    “When I complain that I’m dissatisfied with my job, sometimes people suggest idiotic things that they have only given a tenth of a second of thought to. I’m an accountant.”

    Have you considered lion taming?

    /// (If so, first things first: do you have your own hat?)

  192. Downpuppy
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Proudly Displaying Tinyurl, or Possibly Tinyjoke (#179): Whatever became of the Pennyrile Mall? Polar bears may have longer lifespans than malls. Seal blubber keeps you young.

  193. Calico
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#153):
    When my Dad was ill and in a “retirement” facility (Nursing home), I created a beautiful Gingerbread house for him for what turned out to be his last Xmas. It took days, but I loved doing it for him. I drove that heavy puppy from VT to CT and he was so pleased when we brought it into his room – after enjoying it, we put it out in the living room/salon, and it really did brighten people’s spirits.
    I have photos, need to find and scan them.

  194. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Proudly Displaying Tinyurl, or Possibly Tinyjoke (#179): Historically the peacock and the beaver have more in common than names that resemble slang terms for genitalia. They were both prized for their contribution to hats. The beaver for felt to make the men’s and the peacock for plumes to decorate the women’s.

    Polar bears would be happy to eat either. Polar bears encode the world into only two categories: things that hold my weight (ice & rock), and things I can eat (everything else). Seriously, they had to close the garbage dump at Churchill, Manitoba because polar bears were eating things like car batteries and styrofoam. Also I just spent twenty minutes reading sites speculating on who would win in a fight: a polar bear or a Siberian tiger. I’d rather see them team up and fight CRIME together.

  195. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#41):

    “And, as Otto stands there listening to Juan ramble on, he recalls a famous line from that classic spaghetti western. A line recited by Tuco the bandit, “If your gonna shoot, SHOOT, don’t talk!””

    But don’t shoot Mongo. That’ll just make him mad!

  196. Downpuppy, CPA
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, with a Cleese Encounter (#191): I have a hat with pompoms, but I’m not changing my name to Bruce.

    Kraven is just fine.

  197. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#193): Gingerbread houses are great. They wonderfully combine craft, fantasy world, and food, and they smell wonderful.

  198. gleeb
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#194): Step aside Slylock and max, here come Amba and Nanuq!

  199. Anonymous
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#113): I have to admit I literally laughed aloud when I read that. Such a great sound effect.

  200. Sequitur
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#194):

    Historically the peacock and the beaver have more in common than names that resemble slang terms for genitalia. They were both prized for their contribution to hats. The beaver for felt to make the men’s and the peacock for plumes to decorate the women’s.

    And you can see them both Sunday mornings at Curtis’ church.

  201. Perky Bird
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#194): I went to a lecture at the National Zoo that was given by a woman who researched polar bears and the effect the melting polar ice had on them. A member of the audience asked why polar bears couldn’t adapt to eating things other than seals, like grizzly and brown bears do, which would allow them to live in warmer climates. Her response was that polar bears must eat seal blubber or they would dehydrate–their bodies turned the blubber into water, but apparently other types of fat couldn’t convert. It sounded plausible at the time (after all, she was an expert), but gradually I’ve been wondering about the truth in that. After all, as you mentioned, the ones in Churchill largely subsist on garbage during the summer, and they don’t die of dehydration. And I doubt seal blubber is a key ingredient in car batteries or styrofoam!

  202. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#200): The hats, the wildlife or the genitalia? (I thought it was just Kwanzaa that was crazy).

  203. Anonymous
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#148): @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#161): Agreeing with both of you. The worst part of my years when I was trying to find something to do other than adjunct myself to death was fending off well-meaning attempts to suggest alternative job options. Pretty much every one of them was something I’d already considered and ruled out as a poor fit, or something that would only be possible if I were X person with Y connections living in Z city (none of which applied, of course), or something that required a degree in another field and years of experience I didn’t have. And of course, if one protested too firmly, then the conversation took an even more unpleasant turn into “Poor Rana, she’s so unhappy, whatever can we do to fix her?”

    Trust me, if I want advice, I’ll ask for it, and it’ll be in the form of something specific, like “Do you have any colleagues interested in X?” or “What do you know about working for company Y?”

    Luckily, they’ve mostly stopped now. (Hooray for having business cards made; wish I’d done it years earlier.)

  204. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    Okay, for some reason, all my cookies disappeared in the night, leaving me nameless. Anonymous at 199 and 203 are both me.

  205. Girl Reporter
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    “Aquaman sucks.”
    Rajesh Ramayan “Raj” Koothrappali, Ph.D.

  206. Sequitur
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#202): Take your pick. Curtis don’t care. He’ll make fun of them all.

    It’s interesting that the peacock goes to the woman’s hat but is slang for the man’s genitalia. With beaver it’s the other way around.

  207. Calico
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#197):
    But I did cheat a bit – I used graham crackers stuck on cardboard for support. The inedible icing ended up weighing a ton. : )

  208. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, with a Cleese Encounter (#191): I am tempted to pull the Margo Magee “Today, I’ll be into Public Relations! It fits well with the skills that I picked up as an art gallery director. Party planning is so… last week. Well, I’ve got to relate publicly, by going online. No, wait, I’ll do something supervisor-y, I’ll call a staff meeting! Forget the whole thing, I’m into tug boat captians now. Toot toot!”

  209. Sequitur
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#204): Rana, we hardly knew ya!

  210. Little Guy
    January 4th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Curtis, redux: Scratch that. Make that a Burber and a penis-male.

  211. Sequitur
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#208): Okay, a show of hands. How many would like a “toot toot” from Margo?

  212. Red Greenback
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#211): More toots, mule!

  213. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @AnonymousRana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#199): Agreed!

    @Calico (#207): “The inedible icing weighed a ton” is probably whispered a lot at Charterstone pool parties.

    @Sequitur (#211): My hand is not raised. I heard after “toot toot” Margo bites off the head of whoever is nearest to her.

  214. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    Alley Oop seems to be transitioning into Bitchy Shaman Diva Theatre. It’s unorthodox, but not unheard of in comics circles. I’ll allow it.

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Statler: Wake up you old fool. You slept through the show! Waldorf: Who’s a fool? You watched it.

    Apt. 3-G: So Evan is setting himself up in the closet. I’d like to hope this is the start of a wonderful fairy tale, but you’d probably misunderstand me.

    Arlo and Janis: Snerk. Subtle, Johnson is.

    9 Chickweed Lane: Oh, dear. The past couple of strips, including this one, have made me afraid that McEldowney actually reads our criticism here and is now trying to do something about it.

    Dick Tracy: I understand that Team Tracy has been trying to pick up the pace, so that we’re not bogged down on the epic scale of the soaps. But does it seem to anyone else like we’re getting this wall of text because the now-concluded strip moved way too fast for anyone to make sense of it? How are we to mock gorgeous targets like Cinnamon Knight and the Black Piranha if we don’t have them around for a while? Even Measles hung in there for longer than this, and he was practically on a death trip.

    Luann: Get a room!

    Mark Trail: In the original clip art, Mark is sneaking up on Rusty to whap him with a fly swatter. This explains as much about their relationship as it does whatever the hell is going on here.

    Mary Worth: You want the beauty of nature, old man? Look down at the miraculous conception you’ve got going on just about your trousers.

    One Big Happy: There is no chance that a storyline involving Buggy Crispino and a talking pickle could stray into unsavory territory. Seriously, none. Why do you even ask?

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: I can’t help feeling like these repeated mentions of Melissa are a cry for help: “Does anyone remember what this storyline was supposed to be about? Anyone?

  215. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, with a Cleese Encounter (#191): Lion taming is a good idea, but I don’t have Kraven’s duds, nor am I he who has stealth of a cheetah!

    I have a better idea with that sidewalk pencil sales position. The business plan is thus:
    *My expertise is accounting, so I have business accumen and am capable of handling this operation.
    *I can buy in bulk for around 10 cents each and sell individual pencils at 25 cents each for a markup of 150%.
    *Sidewalk sales have low overhead.
    *Many people use pencils, so I only have to capture a small percentage of the market to have great return.
    *Internet sales will market to far flung corners of the world.

    The key is the selling of the plan to some wealthy investor. In the fine print is an enormous salary and signing bonus for me, the President and CEO. Went bust, oh well, see ya next time I come up with a venture capital opportunity.

  216. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#204): I wonder if it could have anything to do with a prank like this?

  217. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Wait, did I just openly post a plan accusing myself of first degree fraud?

  218. Comrade Denny
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think even the Body Snatchers would want Stanley. He’s already an affectless biological automoton, so what would be the point?

  219. tallyHO
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#214):

    Apt. 3-G: So Evan is setting himself up in the closet. I’d like to hope this is the start of a wonderful fairy tale, but you’d probably misunderstand me.

    What?!
    He won’t enter into the back door of Chartestone Condos and experience the wild, uncharted world of cake believe?

  220. Liam
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-”Damnit now I have to take this voodoo doll back to the store.”

    FW-Even when you were young you weren’t any good at it.

    Love Is-On Cloud 69.

  221. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#217): Since it doesn’t involve unauthorized hot dog upsells, no one cares. Really. It’s all about the wieners.

  222. hogenmogen
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    SM: “I’m not sure who to root for!”

    JJJ’s whole schtick is to knock Spidey around. He hates, hates, hates Spidey. He loves Kraven’s show so much that he’s seeing it twice. And he didn’t lift a finger when Kraven chained up Spidey and tried to kill him. Then JJJ thinks that he might start rooting for the webhead? Why? Sudden sympathy for an idiot?

  223. ArchieNemesis
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @endless sky (#42): Perky Bird got me with the “shredded coconut pubic hair” too. And you got me with your FW comment. Keep up the good work people.

  224. KreatureFeatures
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    I’m loving the description for Mark Trail on Comics Kingdom: “Avid environmentalist Mark Trail teaches readers to preserve nature’s three most valuable “W’s”: woods, water and wildlife.”
    Right next to a strip depicting a violent kidnapping story about to reach it’s blood-spattered conclusion.

  225. Alfred E. Neuman
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#211) said: “@hogenmogen (#208): Okay, a show of hands. How many would like a “toot toot” from Margo?”

    Those who raise their hands are suffering from a rare condition called the “Crapgas delusion”.

  226. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#201): They don’t subsist on the garbage though. They go through a stage that is like hibernation in other bears, but the polar bear is so badass that it’s still walking while subsisting off only its stored fat, for up to three months. Churchill closed the garbage dump and shipped the junk away, because polar bears’ “eat anything that isn’t rock or ice” attitude led them to substances like used hydraulic oil, which poisons them. Your zoo lecturer’s thesis is interesting, but, unless her zoo doesn’t have polar bears, disproves itself. No zoo I found feeds its polar bears seal meat, yet polar bears can live 40 years in captivity. The diet of Toronto Zoo polar bears is listed at the bottom of <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/article/1220085–toronto-zoo-kitchen-how-do-you-feed-6-000-animals-a-day&quot; this page. The “meat” in that recipe is horse meat, not seal. Is it possible that your lecturer badly explained that adult polar bears eat the blubber but leave the meat on carcasses because they would get dehydrated if they tried to digest all that protein? I need more water to digest protein than fat too, and not just because of overly salty marinades.

    Polar bears split off from brown bears as a species only about 100,000 years ago and can still produce fertile offspring. There is also at least one documented case of a polar bear and grizzly reproducing in the wild (so I guess that adds a third category to the polar bear’s world). It would seem odd that such a a close relative of the ultimate omnivore would be dependent on one source.

    Perhaps Dill can make a three-tiered, white cake festooned with garlands of pink seal guts and call it “The natural majesty of the polar bear feeding in the spring.”

  227. seismic-2
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Taking a Nibble at the Idea (#184): Aquaman used to have an ongoing fishing-rod-carrying villain called The Fisherman — close enough?

    Ah yes – The Fisherman. As I recall, all that is known of his backstory is that his name was “Rusty”, and he turned to a life of crime as a result of some terrible childhood neglect. Also, everyone agreed that his wearing a mask was a really good idea.

  228. tallyHO
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    All this talk of gingerbread houses and “inedible icing” and all of this talk of cake and cooking chicanery reminds me of something which was probably done some time ago. Admittedly, the memory of reading it colors how I see Mary Worth’s role in this entire soggy saga of Cake Making and Decorating.

    the gingerbread man

    //inedible icing? So, my theory about Mary cooking up a batch of Elmer’s Glue Glaze wasn’t far off the mark? Gingerbread houses can’t be eaten? Why bother then? Oh, sure, I know Godzilla hasn’t existed as long as there have have been tiny houses made of cookie, but, as a lad, I presumed that the point of building a house such as that would be to destroy it and to wash it down with a glass of milk. The milk, which made for a messy approximation of Godzilla Fire Breathing, surely would have sufficed until one got in trouble.

    Sigh.

  229. Baka Gaijin
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#228): What? Gingerbread houses are inedible? I guess that’s why everyone was laughing when I grabbed a glass of milk and started doing a Hansel.

  230. Aviatrix
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#206): I was going to mention that, but got bogged down trying to introduce the reversal with words like “perversely” and “confusingly” so abandoned it. Putting the right words in an order that makes sense is harder than the writers of Spider-Man and Luann know. Much simpler just to kick for the groin.

  231. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#126):

    LUANN- So, Ann’s not only a sexual harasser and a con artist, but a pickpocket? Is it wrong that she’s my favorite character in this strip?

    I didn’t think of that. I had assumed that she just used her own phone to get a sound bite of TJ admitting that he’s a con man.

  232. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#219): I’d settle for Aslan coming out of a wardrobe to eat John Dill.

  233. bats :[
    January 4th, 2013 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#193): cool. :)

  234. tallyHO
    January 4th, 2013 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#232):

    In all seriousness, I’d hope Aslan would talk some sense into the man that “cake decorating” with Mary isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. Just cutting out the metaphor and all that is left “Body Painting On Mary”. Aslan is a wise one. He’d warn against getting involved with that.

    In even more seriousness, almost every storyline in “Mary Worth” involves food somehow. Obviously, cake decorating; John DILL aka Peter Pickleotomous aka Mr. Pistachio Mustachio; Dawn and Stalker Guy’s day dates involved lunch and odd beverages; Aldo (glug glug); Wilbur and his sammiches (which makes the creation of John Dill seem like a prelude to a kiss); the buffet scenes in the cruise ship disaster; Dawn encountering Dave at the supermarket when she saw him and tossed her groceries prior to her Game of Thrones (?) obsession set in (I don’t know if that show/book series is about food or not); and, there’s the Dawn and Mary sessions in the kitchen cooking seemingly inedible things and then eating them.

    And, god, how can I forget about the bizarre dinners and the cryptic dishes served and the garden parties?

  235. tallyHO
    January 4th, 2013 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#232):

    Upon re-reading what you wrote and after already riffing off of what you wrote, I decided to continue to riff off of it and take it in a different direction. If you will indulge me, kind sir.

    So, if Aslan does indeed come out of the wardrobe, which I don’t believe he ever did in the books, I’d support his decision. If anyone should have pride in who he is, it is Aslan.

    Heck. He could start singing:

    I am Aslan, hear me roar/
    I just stepped out the door/
    Cuz I juust couldn’t take it no mooooore/

    Fly the rainbow flag, Aslan! For Narnia!

  236. Peanut Gallery
    January 4th, 2013 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    A3G – “Dear Penthouse Forum…”

    RMMD – “What do three exotic dancers do in retirement?”
    1) They become garden-variety dancers.
    2) Exotic golf.
    3) They start a band called The Three Retired Exotic Dancers.
    4) So. It has come to this.

  237. sully
    January 4th, 2013 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    Guess what, Harriet… Stan’s no prize, but if you look anything even remotely like the girl he walked down the aisle with, he wouldn’t have married you in the first place. Anybody who’s a cross between Olive Oyl and Peewee Herman shouldn’t be complainin’.

  238. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 4th, 2013 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#235):

    There once was a lion by the name of Aslan
    who of Apt. 3-G was not a big fan.
    Poor Evan to his shame
    learned a lion you can’t tame
    when the cat asked for cayenne.

  239. Mr K Martin
    January 4th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    PRICKLY CITY: Just when I was afraid this strip would get too subtle…

    THE BITTER HALF: Stanley says “Yes, because we used to be drawn by Bob Barnes!”

    MARY WRATH: To celebrate the beauty of nature, Mr. Dill will fill his pink and white cake with rocks, pebbles, dry leaves, worms, and Grape Nuts.

  240. remmy
    January 4th, 2013 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#83):
    DtM: looks more like Peter Tork

  241. Sans Sense
    January 4th, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: I’ve been out of the loop, has Rex taken up retirement planning for comic strippers?

  242. Dono
    January 4th, 2013 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @Antiquated Tory (#39):

    I thought that seemed like a broad brush to be painting with too.

  243. demoncat
    January 4th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    mw can’t wait to see your design as in crushing it and telling you its the wrong thing and here is how the cake will be made. rmmd what do retired strippers do. easy turn the apartment into a brothel or make the so called catering business an exotic kind with extra for special deliveries

  244. Anonymous
    January 4th, 2013 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Ann, pressed close to TJ: “…It’s been hard working around you. I can tell you feel the same.”
    Ann seems to be channeling Mae West: “Is that a smartphone… or are you just happy to see me?”

  245. skippykawakami
    January 4th, 2013 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    The Capgras delusion provides valuable insight into how our minds work. We all think we look at someone, look them up in a visual memory, see that we know them and what our relationship, etc. is, or if they don’t match some visual memory, we call them “strangers”. Capgras shows that that’s all wrong. In fact, what we do is recognize someone by a variety of factors, but the notion of whether that person is or isn’t a stranger is based on a “feeling of knowing” that person. It doesn’t matter how much they look, sound or smell like that person, if your brain doesn’t “feel” like it knows the person, then that person is a stranger. Capgras causes something in the brain to refuse to access that “feeling of knowing”, and then your logical mind has to resolve the fact that every single bit of visual, auditory, etc. recognition is in conflict with lacking this “feeling of knowing”.

    Fascinating, huh?

  246. Anonymous
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    Better Half: I’m more worried about the manically-happy demon-cat creature in the lower left corner. What is up with that thing?

  247. MWDG
    January 4th, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    MW: Where is Jeff Corey? I know he hasn’t exactly been “attentive” to Mary but is our urine soaked heroine so desperate that she would jump in the sack with this fat slob, John Dill?

    We all know what is up…there will be some sort of accusation of cheating…I honestly hope this slob, John Dill, is man enough to beat Mary until she learns to shut her pie hole!

  248. Vince M
    January 4th, 2013 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @Clint Brawny (#31): I don’t go out of my way to see ‘Heathcliff’, and the recent spate of CC callouts has pinned down why for me. It’s like every strip has some inexplicable weird business going on, while onlooker guy stands off to one side, static as a streetlamp, and explains what’s going on with a look of total disinterest. It’s frickin’ lazy stripmanship, and it looks like every generic, bland “Laff Time” strip plunked in the corner of every boring magazine from the last seventy years!

  249. Sgt. Stoned
    January 4th, 2013 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    MW: Don’t laugh, people, until you’ve seen the cakes submitted by the other contestants.

    Better Half: No loved ones. No capgrass delusion. Simple. I am a rock. I am an island.

  250. Ratiocinator
    January 5th, 2013 at 6:16 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#108):

    Your streak of diabolical murderousness will take you far, my friend. Perhaps Margo Magee far!

  251. Karen
    January 6th, 2013 at 2:02 am [Reply]

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who has that fear of developing the Capgras delusion.

  252. Morgan Wick
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    Came in too late to say this:

    I guess Mr. Dill probably should accept Mary’s meddling.

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