The Comics Curmudgeon

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Read all about it

Everybody nags writers, “Show, don’t tell.” But when the showing fails and the deadline draws nigh, telling will have to do.

Judge Parker, 6/16/2008

For days, we’ve been speculating, “Terrorist plot or drug bust — which will appear in the newspaper?” The answer? Not this strip, if you keep this up. And hey — the maid gets
the inside seat in the breakfast nook? How does that work?

Mary Worth, 6/16/2008

Here’s another newspaper comic about what appears in a newspaper. But don’t worry — the narration box helpfully explains that the newspaper photo is misleading. Taking Mary’s side, of course.

The Phantom, 6/16/2008

Ignoring the convenient ladder, the Ghost-Who-Showboats speculates about how awesome his awesome feat will look when it appears in print. As though anybody’s going to look past the first panel.

Spider-Man, 6/16/2008

Spidey’s narration box is as baffled as we are. And perhaps as bored.

Mark Trail, 6/16/2008

The second panel’s giant tortoise is rendered mute. Cramming his gullet with peyote — or is it deadly nightshade? — he prays only that his release, or the end, will be quick.

– Uncle Lumpy

This entry was posted on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 01:45 am and is filed under Judge Parker, Mark Trail, Mary Worth, Phantom, Spider-Man.

174 responses to “Read all about it”

Poteet
June 16th, 2008 at 1:52 am [Reply]

I think that mushroom may be intended to look like the kind that Teutonic warriors used to brew into a liquid that enabled them to go berserk during battle. But it’s very late at night, so maybe I’m the berserk one.
Poteet
June 16th, 2008 at 1:54 am [Reply]

Sorry, I was referring to the mushroom in MT. Fly agaric, I think, and maybe the berserk warriors were Nordic, not Teutonic. And maybe I should go to bed. Hi Uncle Lumpy — thanks for filling in!
Poteet
June 16th, 2008 at 2:00 am [Reply]

But before I depart –

MW — And after Jeff and Mary finally get through talking about the photo, I suppose other residents of Charterstone will take over discussing it for a few months. I’d like to kill that photographer.

S-M — I’ve seen some dorky super-villain costumes in my time, but The Vulture sets a new low. BWAHAHA!
In Light Syrup
June 16th, 2008 at 2:00 am [Reply]

What is Mark Trail’s profession, exactly? Naturalist? Finder of Lost Puppy? Deliverer of the Right Fist o’ Justice? Have we seen Kelly do ANY of these things? Clearly there’s no contest.
In Light Syrup
June 16th, 2008 at 2:04 am [Reply]

MW & JP & A3G: I’m just flat out bored w/these storylines.

FOOB: Sure, I can make this dress sleeveless. Here, let me just chop off those practically already invisible sleeves and voila! No more sleeves = sleevless.

Luann: TJ is dumb. But we knew that already. I like that the girls are doing the Adopt-a-Hwy program – I used to do that w/some Civil Engineers. Good times.
xant
June 16th, 2008 at 2:06 am [Reply]

Spidey’s narration box doesn’t look bored, it looks angry, probably angry at having its intelligence insulted. Spider-Man’s standard mode of locomotion through the city consists of a continuous controlled fall. And notice that the superjerk is dropping him over a city. This is about the least likely-to-succeed method any villain has ever employed to kill any superhero, ever, ever.
Ross
June 16th, 2008 at 2:09 am [Reply]

I’m just glad we moved onto a new day in Judge Parker. Maybe the terrorist story will appear in the next newspaper issue, which in strip time will be tomorrow and in our time will be January 2009.
In Light Syrup
June 16th, 2008 at 2:10 am [Reply]

One last one before I hit the sack:

S-M = Predictable: He’s going to grab onto the Vulture w/his spidey-snot. Duh!
Skylar
June 16th, 2008 at 2:17 am [Reply]

Beetle Bailey: Sarge wakes up in the middle of the night with his usual cravings, and he makes his way to Beetle’s bunker. He slowly runs his finger down Beetle’s backside, but Beetle already knows where this is headed, and gets to the point: top or bottom?
Benjamin Baxter
June 16th, 2008 at 2:48 am [Reply]

No peyote: Just the shrooms from the second panel.

http://awaitingtenure.wordpress.com/
Mars
June 16th, 2008 at 2:52 am [Reply]

SM: “Gotta stop my fall! But how? Well, here’s one way!”
“What’s he doing? Trying to snag a cloud?”
Vulture: “Who was that?”
“I’m the Narrator!”
Vulture: “Aw, shucks! Tiggers don’t need narrators! TTFN! Ta-Ta For Now!”
A Lemur
June 16th, 2008 at 3:00 am [Reply]

MW: Jeff is in a snit. Snit, Jeff, snit. Mary is contrary. Bad! Bad Mary! Mary says Fuck it. Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck it. Here is my whip, Jeff, now grovel. Grovel, Jeff, grovel! Poor Jeff!
off-model
June 16th, 2008 at 3:13 am [Reply]

Hey, I looked past the first panel in The Phantom, but then I’m a female who prefers males. Though at least The Phantom is trying to give a little something for everyone.
Sheila Sternwell
June 16th, 2008 at 4:51 am [Reply]

#5 Light Syrup – I’m still tickled about “Mary Worth”, but the amusement is running dry. A3G and JP are Snoozeville, USA right now. Thank goodness for “Rex Morgan, MD” and the introduction of the exciting new Dipstick subplot!

Gil Thorp – Wow, Brenden doesn’t even look human in that first panel. Someone behind her right shoulder must be reaching in and pushing her nose and mouth to the left, for reasons best left unquestioned.

Looks like the new Frank has stopped trying so hard to create recognizable humans and has given in to the dark side. Hail to the new Frank, same as the old Frank!
Brian
June 16th, 2008 at 5:13 am [Reply]

“What’s he doing? Trying to snag a cloud? Seriously, what’s up? Nobody around here ever keeps me filled in anymore. I’m sick of winging it. Can I at least look at the script before we go to press?”
Lynngineering
June 16th, 2008 at 6:41 am [Reply]

Judge P: The newspaper headline is an anagram for: “Grow purebred porno from a slutty gift.”

I’m sure Abbey is trying to get Sam to read that headline since forever.

Which sums up the attraction of a strip composed of a rarely seen but present Judge; a lawyer behaving as private eye (or the other way around?); and the rich seductress whose ongoing open invitation to the endless expanse that is Spencerlands just seems suspicous.

Also an anagram of Steve Gloria Sam Abbey = “A bearable Soviets Gym”. Feels like that.
gleeb
June 16th, 2008 at 6:52 am [Reply]

’shaft: Did you even read the book?

‘bean: Just make sure you go at night, then. Failing to report to Montoni’s once a day is punishable by law.

Slylock: The fox notices that the dog is barking at Max. By 1876, dogs and mice had already settled their differences and signed a mutual anti-cat treaty.

Zippy: Griff, you can’t write one entertaining comic. Why would you try two?
Hogenmogen
June 16th, 2008 at 7:46 am [Reply]

Foob:
Dee: “Marriage ain’t no backyard swimming pool!” It’s a trip to the deep end of the ocean!
Liz: Give me a snorkel, I’m going in all the way!
Dee: Just keep both your heads above water.
Liz: Anthony and I can ride out the waves.
Dee: Is there no end to this barrage of hackneyed aquatic punnery?
Liz: We don’t do “dry” humor here.
Journeyman Softheart
June 16th, 2008 at 8:14 am [Reply]

Re: Yesterthread #11. I teach at an ivy league university, and on behalf of the faculty, we apologize if we have done anything that promotes pretentious dialog in the comics. I don’t think it’s really our fault – most of us roll our eyes when confronted with students who can’t express themselves without reminding you that they scored 800 on the verbal section of the SAT. Some of us also make fun of them back in the departmental lounge.

I can also say that while academic politics may be petty and the professoriat self-absorbed, I’ve never met the stereotypes that populate 9CL’s Rural Vermont College of Veterinary Medicine and Repressed Sexuality.

And #32 yesterthread: If your professor can’t explain Kant without sounding like Amos from 9CL, then check the course catalog for someone who can. Hegel, on the other hand, is like the plot of Judge Parker – you spend hours with a flowchart and then realize that the interlocking mess you’ve just constructed makes no sense, that it only covers one day… and that you still have no idea who Judge Parker is! I once knew a German political theorist who only understood Hegel after reading him translated into English.
yellojkt
June 16th, 2008 at 8:15 am [Reply]

I want to hear more about Kelly’s reputation? Does it involve kneepads?
MDV
June 16th, 2008 at 8:15 am [Reply]

Spider-Man: So… how’d Spidey get up that high in the first place? He’s clearly way above all the buildings, and wasn’t hiding in the helicopter in the beginning. Anyhow, the answer to his dilemna is “web-parachute”, mark my words.
Whippersnapper
June 16th, 2008 at 8:22 am [Reply]

Foob: That it ain’t. And who knows that better than Dee, who has been barely treading water in the stinking cesspool that is marriage to Michael? But I envision Liz’s marriage more like a fetid swamp, with some sort of soul-sucking quicksand, and, of course, Anthony’s family- the ROUSs.
Hogenmogen
June 16th, 2008 at 8:32 am [Reply]

Judge Parker:

No, there’s nothing here about terrorists – But what’s this front page above the fold shot of a newly appointed town councilman of Santa Royale having a romantic dinner with a septugenarian hooker?

Or, a metiaphysical moment – Abbey turns to the comics page and realizes her life is being recounted for the world to see, including and especially when she’s stripped down to her lingerie. Sam replies that he’s known for years. That’s why he’s in mortal fear of actually getting funky. He hasn’t even gone to the bathroom in a decade.
Buck Ripsnort
June 16th, 2008 at 8:58 am [Reply]

MT: “Kelly is a bit dominant at times.” Hooookay, so nobody’s going for the low-hanging fruit here? What, y’all got a sudden attack of good taste or somethin’?

And HI! to Unca Lumpy!
Eric the Baker, Jungle Patrol Nutrition Division
June 16th, 2008 at 9:10 am [Reply]

FC: I am a non-smoker, I find smoking a pretty foul habit; and yet, I am still sickened by the preachiness of this strip today. Wow!
man behind the curtain
June 16th, 2008 at 9:15 am [Reply]

MW — Publicly cuckholded. Oh the shame. But of course, no one reads the newspapers anymore. Now, if it were plastered all over the internet, that would be a whole different issue.
Bryan
June 16th, 2008 at 9:23 am [Reply]

Holy cats, it is a new day in Judge Parker! Note this in the log! Does anyone know how long yesterday lasted?
Dr. Mabuse
June 16th, 2008 at 9:25 am [Reply]

FBOFW – So Deanna is going to do the alterations on Elizabeth’s wedding dress? This reminds me of a line from ‘The Wrong Box’ – “I beg you, let’s hire an undertaker. It won’t cost much, and he’ll do a professional job!”
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
June 16th, 2008 at 9:30 am [Reply]

Josh is out of town, Uncle Lumpy is in charge, and there’s a new day’s strips to snark, so welcome, one and all, to Unspeakably Filthy Comics!

9DQ: Brooke appears to have run out of ideas, so now he’s rehashing his last idea — break up a long-running couple — with Seth and Mark. Next, he’ll break up Thorax and Gran… Oh, I see where he’s going with this! He’s keeping it fresh by reshuffling the relationships! Amos has already been seduced by Isobel. Burkhardt will no longer feel challenged by an available Edda, and will instead set his sights on Juliette when she shows up to comfort her daughter. Juliette will allow his advances, amused by his audacity if nothing else. Elliot, seeking to wound the pride of his faithless wife, will put the moves on her mother, Gran, who will be more than eager to accept the attentions of anyone who’s not Thorax. Finally, all will come full circle when Thorax decides to explore this Earth phenomenon of bisexuality with Mark, in one of the least appealing sex scenes set to paper since the Tijuana Bible I Re-’Member’ Momma (which was actually penned by Mell Lazarus, in a spectaculary misguided attempt to enliven the franchise). Brooke McEldowney then shoots himself. In his studio are found dozens and dozens of drafts of a strip featuring a bound Edda being viciously violated by a giant Solange. The margins of the pages are filled with repeated scribblings of the same sentence, over and over: “Comics are too a legitimate artistic medium.”

A3G: Poor, poor LuAnn. Poor, poor, sweet LuAnn. Poor, poor, sweet, naive LuAnn. Poor, poor, dim, sweet, naive LuAnn. Poor, poor, dim, sweet, naive, brain-damaged LuAnn. Poor, poor, dim, sweet, naive, brain, damaged, rock-stupid LuAnn. Poor, poor… I don’t think I need to go on.

A.D.: …..

Whoa.

golf clap

BB: For those of you who aren’t wearing your subtext-reading glasses, Beetle is asking Sarge if he wants oral or anal.

C’shaft: After a week of this, Cranky has to threaten his daughter with a raised fist to remind her to endure his puns without an eye-roll.

DtM: This strip is that close to being renamed Dirty Sanchez.

(WT)DT: Big “B” may be a criminal, but he’s a class act. Notice how he bleeps out his own swear word in panel 3, instead of asking Shirl Locke to “fuck up” the bank security again. Who says there’s no honor among thieves?

EC: Abbey asks Len why they don’t go to key parties any more.

FC: “We don’t use tobacco because the Bible says it’s wrong. Now go back to studying your Watchtower.”

Luann: In all the years Brad’s been a “firefighter,” this is the first actual fire I’ve ever seen in this strip. Now, we get to watch Brad’s own house burn down because instead of dialing 9-1-1, we get a week of TJ poncing about trying to douse the flames in a hilariously ineffectual, swishy way. Then, his Jheri-curl will catch fire like Michael Jackson, and he’ll mince out into the street, squealing like a drag queen bumped from the overbooked Sex And The City premiere. Oh, the hilarity!

MW: Now, hold on a second. You broke up with him, remember? Or did you think you were allowed to keep both men on a string because you’re the All-Desirable Virgin Mary, Our Lady of the Perpetual Blueballs? Well, fuck you, Mary. Fuck you and the Sybian you rode in on.

Monty: I like this guy.

MC: Eww. EWWWWW. Ed and Melissa, there’s a line in comics between edgy and disgusting, and you two have just crossed it.

Well done.

NS: Say, is that John McCain?

Phantom: It’s not like that’s some kind of competition. The Phantom writes the Chronicles himself. It’s just a glorified diary. He could write any damn thing he wanted in there. In fact, I bet half that shit is made up. “Dear Chronicles: Today I wrestled a giant radioactive ~~wolf~~ ~~lion~~ ~~Dennis Hopper~~ alligator to death and saved ~~Mawitaan~~ the world!!! It was awsome. Oh, and I dove off a 50 200 foot oil platform and did a perfect 2-1/2 pike. Then I slept with Angelina Jolie and her sister who you never hear about but who’s like 10 times hotter than her. The End. Love, Kit. P.S. Angelina said I was the best she’d ever had. The End (for reals this time).”

Popeye: True story: In 2000, George Bush picked Dick Cheney as his running mate after Cheney, who was heading up Bush’s vice-presidential search committee, sadly had to inform him that Sea Hag was fictional and therefore ineligible for the job.

SFx: Wait. Kids are supposed to know the lightbulb came three years before the telephone? I didn’t know that. I thought it had something to do with the cat.

S-M: Hey, Vulture’s lost his diamonds.

Ziggy: Unless that chair’s really a Porta-Potty, I’d say he’s… NO NO NO DON’T THINK IT AAAAAAAAAARGH TOO LATE

ZtP: Nooooo! Don’t look at panel 2, Truman! Avert your eyes!
Groovymarlin
June 16th, 2008 at 9:32 am [Reply]

Mary Worth: where the same, boring, insipid conversation happens for four days in a row (plus weekends). I’m just grateful it’s not FOOB or Funky Cancerbean. Because then we’d also be subjected to puns.
Ranger
June 16th, 2008 at 9:50 am [Reply]

SM: What can I grab onto? Its not like there is any human sized guy in a bird suit near me who I was just attached to!

GT: I have given up on this strip. I don’t know who the hell is who. Comics that require extra effort aren’t worth it.
McManx
June 16th, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

Phantom — the last thing you have to fear from a feet-first high dive is being knocked unconscious; it’s the nut-busting. Phantom is about to become “Ghost-who-has-to-dig-his-stripey-shorts-of-crotch-so-he-can-walk”.

MaryWorth- “Drew? This is Dad. I’ll be in Vietnam by dawn. Have three teenage hookers and a case of rice wine waiting on me — and NONE of them better be named ‘Mary’!”
McManx
June 16th, 2008 at 9:58 am [Reply]

#32 correction — Dammit, botched my own punch line. That would be “Ghost-who-has-to-dig-his-stripey-shorts-OUT-of-crotch-so-he-can-walk”.

So much for my shot at next week’s COTW.
anonymous
June 16th, 2008 at 10:00 am [Reply]

Phantom: This was just utterly hilarious! Not just the strip, but the comment underneath the strip, up above! I laughed out loud…BTW, I can’t help wondering if, indeed, the Phantom ever HAS knocked himself out, or had some kind of mishap in his crime-fightin’ career. Everyone has an off day. Hasn’t the Phantom EVER been winged by a bullet; snagged his purple pantyhose on a thorny jungle vine; gotten a flat tire on a vehicle; suffered a breakdown of airconditioning in the Phantom Caves, if there IS air conditioning? ; gotten food poisoning from the jungle roots and berries; been mugged in the city when stalking around in his ridiculous trench coat; hasn’t the Phantom EVER been doing something strenuous in 100% heat and humidity, and gotten a headache, and decided to blow off the whole deal, strip off his leotard, and just go swimmin’?…So many questions, so few answers. Yeah, we see all the victories, all the triumphs, all the Chronicle-Worthy stuff! How about the defeats, the humilities, the embarrassments? Does the Phantom sew up rips in his purple tights or does he have a whole wardrobe of them? What if he puts on weight? Where does he get his costumes, anyway? Does he get up in the morning, shower under a waterfall, and slip into his costume ready for the day, even though it’s 100 degrees by 9 a.m. and he isn’t really going anywhere to do anything? Yes,you can see I have too much time on my hands to come up with all these burning questions.
TheDiva
June 16th, 2008 at 10:14 am [Reply]

FOOB: Please, don’t let this happen again. Give to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Metaphors today.

Lio: I can’t wait to see where Tatulli goes with this before getting smacked in the face by a copyright lawsuit from Bill Watterson.
juicy_fruit_kisses
June 16th, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

I’m laying bets that the FOOB-tacular Miracle Dress will be undergoing a few more “alterations”, considering that every single wedding dress I’ve seen lately has been strapless.
elyse
June 16th, 2008 at 10:27 am [Reply]

do ALL men in the comics have to be either whiny babies or he-man misogynists? it’s too close to real life to be funny to me.
Sunny Paris
June 16th, 2008 at 10:27 am [Reply]

#5 I don’t even see the nearly invisable sleeves. Is there a definition of “not sleeveless already” that I’m missing?

And is Deanna trying to be a bitch? Or just the condescending SIL from hell?
TheDiva
June 16th, 2008 at 10:38 am [Reply]

36 juicy_fruit_kisses: Sleeved wedding dresses do exist, although it can be a bitch to find one since the current trend is overwhelmingly in favor of sleeveless. Apparently “women with armpit bulge” is not a very large bride demographic.
Niall
June 16th, 2008 at 10:47 am [Reply]

Uncle Lumpy, it’s more that no one will be looking at the third panel of the Phantom. About half will stop at panel 1, and the other half at panel 2. (And the halves aren’t divided by gender either.)

BC: Whoa, the syndicates allowed this?? Amazing!

25. Eric the Baker: I think it’s the sanctimonious use of “choose” that grates me the most. In the entire history of the planet, there has not been a single human being who has chosen their parents/family, their skin colour, their gender or the location where they were born. (Which for me renders moot any views of ‘inherent racial/gender superiority’…)

SlyFox: what really got me was the realistic dog pictured, then I noticed the cat on the chair. I’m getting the odd feeling that the whole of bipedal anthropomorphs is a fairly recent development in Sly’s world, and no animals were sentient in the 19th century. Genetic uplifting? Mass radiation mutation? I think Reynard Noir will have a field day with this strip.
Rusty
June 16th, 2008 at 10:51 am [Reply]

#19: (and also the Ivy student who replied in the other thread): Thanks for the insight. I imagine it is somewhat like law school, where one is immersed in legal writing and doctrine to the point it is easy to just regurgitate long paragraphs of jargon without thinking about how it sounds to non-lawyers (and especially law students, who are intent to impress). It makes for a comic strip with a very limited appeal.
Artist formerly known as Ben
June 16th, 2008 at 10:52 am [Reply]

MT: Today, all of “Mark Trail” is revealed as a tortoise’s psilocybin trip. Really, this accounts for so much.

JP: Samira’s terrorist cell must be pissed. “A thousand curses upon the infidel media. Once again, we are pushed off the front page by two aging hippies.”

FC: What? Thel didn’t smoke when she was pregnant? Then how do you account for, you know, the kids?

BC: What! The! Fuck! (so to speak)

Archie: Well Reg, you could vow to make your shirts even fruitier.

BB: When nudged in the middle of the night, Beetle knows to ask “chocolate or vanilla.” Usually, however, they’re not talking about ice cream.

FB: My, my, that is a fine piece of tail.

SFx: After years of exposing Count Weirdly’s paper thin schemes, Slylock is now going into business with him. I can only assume this is some kind of convoluted tax shelter.

WofI: It’s kind of a thrill to see such a politically incorrect joke about alcoholism in the comics. Not that it’s particularly funny, of course.

Lockhorns: For a change of pace, let’s see some of those flashback panels of Leroy sitting half-lotus in the ashram.

9CL: Yes folks, now we’re going to have two drawn-out breakup stories running simultaneously. Double your displeasure.

H&J: “Can I assume you’ll put a stop to this heathenistic practice, reverend?”

Cathy: The habtual Aaack!ing is finally catching up to the Hillmans. Don’t be a dope.

A3G: “A fool and her money are soon parted.” Yes, we’ve all heard the adage. Sometimes, though, it helps to see it acted out. Pull up a seat, kids.
Bobdog, Jungle Patrol - SVU (not an Elephant, not Spam)
June 16th, 2008 at 10:53 am [Reply]

Why does Judge Parker feature a dining booth in a kitchen? Is this normal in some parts of the country to furnish your dining area as if you were in a Denny’s? And what’s this with old lady pot farmers not being considered terrorists? Not ethnic enough?
The Ploughman
June 16th, 2008 at 10:53 am [Reply]

“Spider-man” is attempting to circumvent joshreads.com by snarking itself in the last panel. Scorched earth tactics… very clever, Spider-man.
True Fable
June 16th, 2008 at 10:55 am [Reply]

9CL At first I was annoyed to see Brooke busting up Seth and Mark, but since they are the only two sensible people in the strip, maybe this storyline will be interesting and tolerable and hopefully, non-cloying or overreaching. pfft! What am I saying? This is Brooke McEldowney!
Luann Gee, there really is the word ‘gullible’ stenciled in on her forehead.
BC Johnny Hart’s whirling like a dervish in his grave.
BB It has to mean something sexual, otherwise why would he petition Beetle in the middle of the night? Beetle’s too lazy to get and hide real ice cream, it must be a euphamism.
Cathy (must Die!) See, all those Aacks are catching up with her at last.
DtM Oh, for the love of — it’s a turd, Dennis!
(WT)DT “Can you bleep the police bank security again?” “Bleepin’ A I can!”
FC But you kids DID opt for the meth-and-booze kind, so is that really such an achievement?
FBoFW Liz continues to desperately try to convinces everyone around her, and especially herself, that she isn’t making a collossal mistake. Heh. “Paul” sounds pretty damn good right now, doesn’t he?
FW Hey fuck you, kid, and give me that phone back. If you don’t like me working at your favorite hangout, then I don’t like paying your cell phone bill.
JP “Golly, Sam! You were right, you’re so clever and sensitive and smart – when it comes to other peoples’ lives! *sob*!”
Luann Bar-b-q- ribs tonight, huh.
Marmadick In that case, let the girls dress him up in Mommy’s lingerie every day and shove him out the door.
MW WHEE! Second week of Dr Jeff Blows His Cool! Man, I am loving this! Karen Moy, you are a sweetheart!
MC See, I’d be smooching on Bridget while I was praising Squishy’s cuteness, but Norm doesn’t sensibly multitask like that.
RMMD Whoa, you gave yourself away with that particular bit of knowledge in the first panel, Rex. No surprise you went all frowny face in the second.
S-M Are they asking for help writing this damn thing? Easy: oops, Spidey missed, he dies. The End.
Bobdog, Jungle Patrol - SVU (not an Elephant, not Spam)
June 16th, 2008 at 10:56 am [Reply]

#30 – In Mary Worth-land, this bland repetition is considered “building up tension.” And it sort of works — by day five it will be unbearable…
Brick Bradford
June 16th, 2008 at 11:06 am [Reply]

Okay,no one else went there (to my utter astonishment), so I guess it’s up to me. But I’m thinking that Kelly being the dominant one is one thing we won’t get to see in this MT arc. They’ll probably cut to a shot of a ginormous armadillo eating tulips or something.

Phantom: I didn’t get around to mentioning it but I thought the narrative box in the last panel of Saturday’s Phantom was brilliant. “Next: Splash!”
Sheer genius. Of course it lied, because we haven’t seen the splash yet.
man behind the curtain
June 16th, 2008 at 11:08 am [Reply]

#29 Spectacular Spider Brick — LuAnn And we’ll p[robably get the lecture that Fifefighter Brad didn’t follow good fire prevention procedures. No smoke detector. No fire extingusher in the kitchen. But maybe we’ll be lucky and learn that TJ didn’t have an evacuation plan and that will be the end of TJ.
Calico
June 16th, 2008 at 11:08 am [Reply]

Phantom – I give his dive a 9.5.

FOOB – And Liz, don’t forget the earth really is flat.
The oceans too.
Wait until you get to the edge.

FC – “I’m glad we picked a Mommy and Daddy who don’t smoke, but who constantly reek of Chivas Regal and Remy Martin.”
JP (not Judge Parker)
June 16th, 2008 at 11:08 am [Reply]

FOOB: Did Dee borrow the “marriage ain’t no backyard swimming pool” line from a Jeff Foxworthy routine?

MW: Although the strip’s narration box is clearly biased, at least it doesn’t have the confusion/outrage tone of the Spidey narration. “Dr. Jeff still doesn’t believe Mary! Where does he think he’s going??” Actually, if that were the narration style, it would be the most interesting thing in the strip right now.
Gene
June 16th, 2008 at 11:13 am [Reply]

Luann – Notice where the stove is in the first panel. How did the entire back wall of the kitchen move in one panel? Nothing happens in the Luanniverse that fast……except Toni Daytona.
Bobdog
June 16th, 2008 at 11:16 am [Reply]

BC — A flowers having sex joke.
Jeanne
June 16th, 2008 at 11:17 am [Reply]

Isn’t Liz’s dress ALREADY sleeveless?
Old School Allie Cat
June 16th, 2008 at 11:19 am [Reply]

#39 – TheDiva – for me, the armpit bulge wasn’t quite as big of an issue as the potential for backfat (which is a condition of making the dress tight enough so that your ta-tas don’t pop out on the dance floor).

Liz isn’t cursed with either – but she’d better bustle the hell outta that dress, because she has, as my husband and I would say, “the whole world in her backyard”.

Taking the sleeves off the fugly thing doesn’t make it any less fugly, but it does draw attention away from the crappy dialog balloons above.
Calico
June 16th, 2008 at 11:20 am [Reply]

#27 – About thirty-two years, or so it seems.
AhClem
June 16th, 2008 at 11:21 am [Reply]

FC – No tobacco? The little melonhead is obviously suffering from short-term memory loss:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:1960s-era_Family_Circus_cartoon.png
Calico
June 16th, 2008 at 11:22 am [Reply]

FC again – “And Grandma never reeks, because her copious stash of pills don’t smell like anything when she takes them! She sure likes to take a lot of naps, though.”
Artist formerly known as Ben
June 16th, 2008 at 11:29 am [Reply]

#54 calico,
Forgive the clueless guy question, but wouldn’t a bra prevent the outage poppage of the boobage? Is it traditional for the bride to go commando? INever having been a bride I honestly don’t know, so this isn’t a snarky inquiry.
commodorejohn
June 16th, 2008 at 11:38 am [Reply]

Just in case you missed it but would be interested, yesterthread John C Fremont pointed out that the Times Union has Prince Valiant as one of their online comics, and I put up a viewer script to read it without going through their bloated, flashy comics page. (Dean Booth, if you want to throw this up on your site, feel free – here’s the source.)

And boy oh boy, it never fails – Uncle Lumpy’s got his guest posts up first thing in the morning. Early riser, I guess…

9CL – Oh peachy, as if one of these storylines wasn’t enough.

BC – Holy shit, did I really just see a B.C. featuring…no, that can’t be…*goes back and checks*…holy shit.

BB – OH STOP IT ALREADY

DT – Oh my, Big Al is the cover identity of former President James Buchanan! James, man, why did you do it? Why’d you go bad?

FOOB – Wow. And here I thought Lynn’s infantilism fetish only had to do with mental regression. But no, I guess she wants her kids to be physically dependent on her again – how else could she exert the complete control over them she plainly desires? Meanwhile, Dee is looking like some unholy hybrid of Lynn and April.

FW – Sorry, Summer, he’s going to stalk you everywhere you go. This being Funky Winkerbean, I’m sure this will eventually culminate in you snapping, killing and mummifying him, and carrying out murders dressed as an English teacher. Oh wait, no, that would be interesting.

GA – I look forward to watching Rufus take ill, waste away, and die in that bed while waiting for Chef Meowrice to call. Surely, today will be the day!

JP – I didn’t know the US government uses officers on loan from the RCMP for drug busts. Huh, you learn something new every day.

Luann – Ah shit, why couldn’t this stupid fire take Brad with it? Why why why why why?

MT – Giant animals and now giant mushrooms? Maybe Mark Trail is actually some alternate-future version of Journey To The Center Of The Earth.

Momma – Francis is a Plugger? Well, makes sense.

PBS – Haha, funny, but why didn’t we get to see it?

RMMD – Assuming, of course, that the mats haven’t been, you know, moved or anything. Cripes, is this the boringest Rex Morgan story ever, or what?

SFx – “I’m not lost!” “Yes you are! Now pull over and ask for directions!” “Dammit, Fox, I know when I’m lost, and I’m not lost!”

SM – I repeat: even the narration boxes have given up trying to make this strip sound interesting.

Edison Lee – Actually, you little shit, some of us actually don’t watch TV. As difficult as it may be for you and Hambrock to fathom, not everybody’s life revolves around being constantly entranced by a stream of moving images portraying vapid, near-meaningless drivel. We use our TVs for stuff like, oh, video games or DVDs or various classic computers that only hook into a TV set and thus aren’t going to be automatically compelled to throw out our old sets simply so we can continue to be enthralled by the new opiate of the masses. But hey, you go right ahead. I’m sure Antiques Roadshow looks even better in hi-def.
ar_d
June 16th, 2008 at 11:43 am [Reply]

Gosh, I hope the Phantom doesn’t break his legs after diving into 18 inches of water with locked knees.

I’m always waiting for those cut-away panels in Mark Trail (you know…the Extreme Close Ups of Animals Doing Stuff™) to have some sort of parallel symbolism with the plot which would increase the artistic merit of the strip and provide some sort of theme. Something like: as the tortoise envies the lumpy knobbliness of the toadstool, so Kelly envies Mark’s achievements.
Moss_Moses
June 16th, 2008 at 11:46 am [Reply]

Since when does a newspaper headline use the slang term “busted”, referring to people apprehended for criminal offenses? Although “growing pot” is more or less mainstream, most papers would refer to “arrested for cultivation of marijuana” rather than “Biff and Elvira Dickens Busted for Growing Pot”. On the other hand this hip lingo may be the norm in the part of California where Spencer Farms is located.

Doc Jeff is having quite the hissy fit! He needs a slap in the face to tell him , “Move on! Lose the meddling biddy, go down to the wharf and pick up a selkie”. Having said that, the two do seem to deserve each other.
Art Vandelay
June 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am [Reply]

Archie: Hey Reggie, why don’t you start by improving your horrible shirt with the magical color-changing sleeves?

DtM: Why does Dennis have a cross tattooed on his knuckle? I assume he has 666 tattooed on the knuckles of his other hand. Then again, that would actually be kind of menacing, so maybe not.

Foob: Most drawn-out, tortured metaphor of the year? I guess it’s good that Johnston used up all those dumb water puns in one strip, that’s usually a week’s worth right there. Lynn’s all wet. She should go soak her head.

Phantom: Uh, Diana, could you please bend over just a bit more? Thanks.

Rex Morgan: The search apparently continues for Mats Sundin.

All the comix: Who is drawn Muy Macho today: Dee in Foob, the indeterminate gender teen in Funky Cancerbean, Branden in Thorp, TJ in Luann, or the Seahag? Might as well change all their names to Pat or Chris if you’re going to draw them that way.
Paul1963
June 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am [Reply]

#56 ahclem: Holy shit, how early is that FC? I’ve been aware of the strip since the late 1960s (yes, since I was, like, six) and I don’t ever remember it looking like that!
True Fable
June 16th, 2008 at 11:51 am [Reply]

#53 Jeanne – No, it had some awful floofy sheer sleeves, and Monday’s strip shows that Dee has already torn them off The Miracle Dress which isn’t surprising since they probably fell off after being stored in the crawlspace in a cardboard box for a while.
FOOBed again
June 16th, 2008 at 11:51 am [Reply]

Why doesn’t Liz just wear the dress as it was, with the nearly invisible sleeves intact? It’s not like she’s so fashion-conscious at any other time. It’s a vintage dress that belonged to her graandma–why doesn’t she just go with that? Why is it that everything in FOOB has to be made so bland and dowdy and lacking in style and so much the same as everything else that someone can’t even wear her grandma’s old 1940’s wedding gown without making it into a bad, dowdy, boring approximation of a 2000’s dress????
gnome de blog
June 16th, 2008 at 11:52 am [Reply]

Let’s review the bidding:

1. Move up the wedding to improve the chances Gwampa Jim will be alive to see Elizabeth in Gwamma’s wedding dress. Check.

2. Change the dress so he won’t recognize it. Check.

Got it. Makes perfect sense to me.
TeacherPatti
June 16th, 2008 at 11:54 am [Reply]

#56–AhClem! Thank you! I knew I remembered Daddy toking up, er, puffing away. And I’m NOT advocating smoking here, but both of my parents were chain smokers (both have since quit)–my mom even smoked in the delivery room after I was born–and I’m fine. Well, sorta :) :)
KH
June 16th, 2008 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

Cathy bites the dust!!!

Judge Parker lives and Cathy has one more week for her final AAK in the SD Union Tribune. Woo hoo!!
Captain Wrong
June 16th, 2008 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

“Poultry Farmer Busted for Growing Pot?” Gives new meaning to chicken pot pie, eh?
Mibbitmaker
June 16th, 2008 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

S-M: Yeah, trying to snag a cloud — upon which to after-live upon after he becomes squashed spider on the sidewalk (Guest Appearance by Garfield)

BBailey: “Pitcher or catcher?”

Lockhorns: “Once Leroy searched for universal truth, but he settled for being a misandrous stereotype. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out to drive really, really badly. Hey, Leroy isn’t the only one settling in this marriage!”

FC: No kids ever ever talk like that — not even Curtis Wilkins!

MG&G: Oh, great! Now comes the nightmares!

GF: “Stolen elections”? Bucky, are you calling Dick Nixon and Dubya commies?!

Curtis: A parent wrote this.

HtH: And thus ended the rein of the Vikings.
FOOBed again
June 16th, 2008 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

#61 Moss_Moses: The Seattle Times does:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004463449_bcbud07m.html
mojo
June 16th, 2008 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

All the speculation about Kelly’s “reputation” in MT reminds me of that great line from A Mighty Wind, when the Christian-folk group woman very seriously says,

“I did things the other girls wouldn’t do.”

Or words to that effect. It was a very funny line the way it was delivered, but now I’ve ruined it. Looks like I have a future in the comics industry!
Les of the Jungle Patrol
June 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

Clearly the Phantom has never read the Worst Case Survival Handbook that was so popular last decade, or he would know to cup his hands around his bits and squeeze that butthole shut. Otherwise he will be known as The Phantom Who Wears Depends and Sings Soprano.

The 4th panel of Mark Trail: “She won the AVN award for best girl-on-girl-in-a-rustic-setting porn last year and she might be able to repeat it . . .. I’ve got my hands full with this bowl of ice, can you get the paper towels and the tub of lube?”
Comcis Fan
June 16th, 2008 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

Re FBoFW: If LJ wants readers to believe the Liz and Anthony marriage is sweet destiny, the fated reunion of childhood sweethearts, then why does Liz seem so cold-footy about it?
indrifan
June 16th, 2008 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

Luann Is this the first time we’ve seen TJ without a big grin? Maybe his teeth have special flame-retardant properties.

And I thought the same thing everybody else did when I read BB.

58 Artist formerly known as Ben: I don’t know much about wedding dresses myself, but it seems a lot of them leave the shoulders bare (or mostly so). Any control will come from a combination of cantilevering and friction.
CanuckDownSouth
June 16th, 2008 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

#54 calico,
Forgive the clueless guy question, but wouldn’t a bra prevent the outage poppage of the boobage? Is it traditional for the bride to go commando? INever having been a bride I honestly don’t know, so this isn’t a snarky inquiry.

well, I can help with this. The problem is that for a strapless gown, a strapless bra may help prevent a Janet. However, neither the strapless dress nor the strap-free bra have the additional engineering points of support – the straps that help make a 3d enclosure for the torso, and not a 2d shaped tube which can slip down. Hence the need to corset the beejeesus out of the top to squash it on, which can easily lead to unattractive bulging of flesh on the back, across the bosom, or by the arms. Strapless dresses do not look good on a large fraction of women, but they are The Fashion.

Having watched many a bridal-themed TV show for the internal snark factor (Say Yes To The Dress is especially good for this…), I do know that even high-end boutiques will have a few non-strapless options these days (often specifically for the Mormon and Orthodox Jewish brides), but the pickings appear slim.
AtomicDog
June 16th, 2008 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

Six Chix – What fuel does a flying broom use? Farts?
indrifan
June 16th, 2008 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

It occurs to me that there is probably a whole official vocabulary for describing the minimizing of wardrobe malfunctions, and ‘cantilevering’ and ‘friction’ aren’t in there. Oh well, an expert can correct me. I suppose I could google “ta ta control”, but not at work.
Joe, Upper-Evergreen FOOB-hater
June 16th, 2008 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

FOOB: Here’s where Dishrag Dee tells Elizaloser that her asshat brother likes to dress as a schoolgirl and forces Dee to dress up like the janitor, strap-on a dildo and pound his ass….
CanuckDownSouth
June 16th, 2008 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

Twilight Of The Foobs – So have Mike’s book earnings allowed Dee to quit her job? We see her taking care of the kids (if Mike really were supervising his kids, why didn’t he star in Robin’s arrested development haircut/ nailclipping strip), and now sewing a vintage gown… She never talks about coworkers, or even hints that she ever leaves the house during the day. It’s not as if Dee has been shown to have a sewing hobby (I can imagine a cute strip about sewing Halloween costumes). As this alteration is shown with measurements and talk of cutting fabric, it’s a bit more involved than just seamripping out the sleeves, and it ought to be an imposition on a woman who is both the breadwinner and does the bulk of the childcare.
commodorejohn
June 16th, 2008 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

#79 Joe, Upper-Evergreen FOOB Hater – Actually, I imagine that Pattersex, when it does occur, makes something like that look positively wholesome by comparison to its sheer nightmare factor.

#80 CanuckDownSouth – Well, Dee’s whole purpose in the strip is to be imposed upon anyway…
Old School Allie Cat
June 16th, 2008 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

#58 – AFKABen – In re: popping out -

Some of us are so “lucky”, that bra or no bra, strapless isn’t a great idea.

While some brides can and do go commando, you have to make sure you have a nice tight fit, lest you give all your guests an unintentional look at what the groom will be seeing on his wedding night.

Personally, I did wear a strapless bra, and a strapless dress and everything stayed put.

To the other end of the spectrum, I knew a gal who had a padded bra, had padding sewn into the gown, and wore padded “cookies” in her padded bra – so that she’d have plenty of scaffolding to work with.

I’m just saying.
trey le parc
June 16th, 2008 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

MW: Dr. Jeff creeps me out because it looks as though his entire wardrobe is from the male equivalent of Lillian Vernon.

That, and the fact he’s all wound up over that sexless martinet Mary Worth.
AhClem
June 16th, 2008 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

For those wondering about the structural mechanics of a strapless gown, Charles Seim wrote a classic engineering treatise about the subject in 1956:

Stress Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown
Steve-O
June 16th, 2008 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

Actually, there is a story about terrorists on the front page of the Judge Parker newspaper, but it’s written in binary code for some reason: the top left headline appears to be “111011101111011111111110111″. If you’re a computer, though, that’s a real attention getter.
AhClem
June 16th, 2008 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

Now that Slylock Fox has developed a functional time machine, maybe we can ask him to help prove or disprove the Worthian corollary to the Grandfather Paradox: If you travel back in time and kill Mary Worth’s grandfather, will anybody care?

Actually, since this takes place in the 1870s, simply skip the middleman and kill Mary herself.
TheDiva
June 16th, 2008 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

I was lucky enough to find a gown with beautiful lace trumpet sleeves–as it turned out, it was also the first gown I tried on. I don’t think my mom will ever quite forgive me for dragging her all over town only to end up purchasing the first dress I saw.
Mibbitmaker
June 16th, 2008 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

ZtP: I actually agree with both the narration and Gramps in the last panel. I’m really worried, now!

Ghost-Who-Aw-Who-Cares?-Lookit-That-1st-Panel!-Hot-Cha!!: Actually, the second thing deserves to be in the Chronicles much more. You see, it’s more…. more……………. (drifts back to 1st panel)

The… Mind of — (Oh, forget the ellipses, Mibbit — the kid’s a freakin’ moron!) Edison Lee: Or, oh, I dunno, maybe people can just GET THE CONVERTER THINGIE THE WHOLE BOXCAR UNIVERSE HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR A YEAR!!! Really, Eddy, the FC kids are smarter than you!

Popeye: Compared to the political discourse here in real life, Sea Hag’s world is practically the Sammy Maudlin Show.

MT: That middle panel is Bill Slowski’s idea of a really groovy underground comic.

MF: Well, see, there’s the initial natural global warming, then there’s the dangerous increase of the warming created by mankind’s pollution. Kinda gets in the way of your little “debate”, doesn’t it, Ducky?

HotC: Well, there are those pirates all over The Phantom…
Artist formerly known as Ben
June 16th, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

Thanks to OSAC, CanuckDownSouth, and indrifan for setting me right re: strapless wedding gowns. As it happens, cantilevering and friction are two of my favorite things.
Anonymous
June 16th, 2008 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

Anybody see 27 Dresses? Because I want to see an exchange between April & Liz:
Tess (Liz): You wouldn’t hurt a fly. Besides, I’m your sister.
Jane (April): That was yesterday. Today you’re just the bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother’s wedding dress.
commodorejohn
June 16th, 2008 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

#85 Steve-O – Hmm. Near as I can figure, the message is either ???? or ??wp. I’ll leave the interpretation up to you.
Thursday Next
June 16th, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

Sorry, the above was me. Computer keeps losing my identity.
Benjamin
June 16th, 2008 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

The Judge Parker maid hurt her ankle yesterday, remember? That’s why she has to “take it easy for a few days” (2 years in real time).
Crankenstank
June 16th, 2008 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

Reason No. 2 why I love Uncle Lumpy: he beats me up. No, no, wait a minute, I don’t mean he beats me up, that didn’t sound right. I mean he’s up before I am and posts early enough that I can sneak a peek at the day’s entry whilst at work. Alternatively, he’s an automated program that Josh uses in his absence (possibly a time-share with an ALGU-3000). Either way, kudos.
man behind the curtain
June 16th, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

LuAnn — So maybe after the fire, Toni offers Brad a place to stay. In which case, he won’t be able to be mad with TJ for making it happen.

A3G — “Someday my Prints will Come” as LuAnn uses the money for the prints of her artwork to finance Alan’s drug dealing.
Deborah
June 16th, 2008 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

“She’s dominant! She’s jealous! She has a reputation! Next: Big turtles.”
DAS
June 16th, 2008 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

I do know that even high-end boutiques will have a few non-strapless options these days (often specifically for the Mormon and Orthodox Jewish brides), but the pickings appear slim. – CanuckDownSouth

Final pun intended?

Seriously, it’s amazing how far the strapless trend has gone. My wife and I got married in a conservative (almost conservdox) shul and she wore a spaghetti strap gown (although she had a cover-up for the ceremony itself). It was actually pretty tasteful (even my mom, who’s very conservative about such things, liked it), and there were no “engineering issues” in spite of my wife having an actual figure — I guess as a follow up, “never a bride but once a groom” clueless question … do even the spaghetti straps add that much additional support?
Daily Comics Reviewer
June 16th, 2008 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

In MW, Jeff appears 30 years younger with that hate in his eyes, it’s a good look for him.

And Uncle Lumpy it’ll be interesting to hear your take for the next few weeks, looking forward to it.
mojo
June 16th, 2008 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

You know what I like best about this latest “conflict” with Mary Worth? The dress Mary’s been wearing this whole time appears to have been designed by the Wonder Bread people, what with the various-sized polka-dot balloon thingies all over it. Check the archives of this Epic Spat and tell me I’m not right!

Ah, yes, Wonder Bread: the bread for upscale retirement communities who want their bread to be as pasty-white, as soft and as bland as the mild, petty discomforts the residents must sometimes, somehow endure! Join us next week as Mary copes with MORE unbelievable trauma as the Charterstone hot tub refuses to climb above 90 degrees F, no matter HOW many times she twists the dial and presses random buttons!!!!!
Orange Doorhinge
June 16th, 2008 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

FoBoWo: Actually marriage is like a backyard (in ground) pool! Expensive and dangerous!

It looks cool and inviting, but when you jump in you realize the water is icy cold. If you dive in you’ll probably break your neck!

Meanwhile the ph (sex) and the chlorine ( -? drugs?) must be constantly checked and kept in a precise equilibrium! (Hey I spelled equilibrium without a spell-check! Which reminds me, did any of the Harry Potter books ever reference a “Spell-checker”?)

Leaves and bugs (relatives) must be skimmed a couple times a day. A cute little vacuum-robot (teh kid) trundles around the bottom of the pool sucking up sunken debris (I did have to look up debris, huh.) ( We called our vacuum “R2-D2, so casually that when I went to the Pool Shop for ‘parts’ I asked for a net bag for “The R2 Unit”. Luckily, the Pool Shop Guy understood immediately)

Well I’m running out of bad metaphors.
DAS
June 16th, 2008 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

Why doesn’t Mary just respond to Jeff (who actually almost walked right into it by using the phrase “on a break”) “but we were on a break”? Interestingly, it has already been predicted by a ‘Mudge that Jeff would do this to Mary. I think Mac is overdue for some props, don’t y’all?
aloria
June 16th, 2008 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

DAS– they provide at least the assurance that the dress won’t slide down. This is usually what causes the potential for poppage.
Tonio
June 16th, 2008 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

Re: 61 – There’s a tabloid in my town whose lurid coverage of local crime goes way beyond mundane terms like “busted.” If I saw a word like that in a headline, I might assume that the editor was off his game.
Old School Allie Cat
June 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

#97 DAS – spaghetti straps – I find that they’re just something that can fall down repeatedly.
Anon
June 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

#100 Orange Doorhinge

Don’t forget that in a second marriage you have to be careful of the pool. You never know what might be floating in there.
Tonio
June 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

FC – Tomorrow, Billy lectures Daddy about eating too much red meat.
Calico
June 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

#58 – That would be a response to Old School Alley Cat, not meself.

I don’t know anything about wedding garb, except that it is generally tacky. : )

I am going to a family wedding this Aug. and still don’t know what the hey-ho I’m going to do/wear. Eeek.
Calico
June 16th, 2008 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

#61 – Yes, Jeff, have a plate of Conch Fritters at the Bum Boat/Frying Dutchman and get over yerself.
You too, Mary. Jeez. What a soapy.
little red-haired girl
June 16th, 2008 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

MT: It is unfortunate that after the inker does such an exacting job of drawing the cheerful Amanita mushroom, or ‘fly agoric’, and sturdy tortoise, that the colorist does such a lazy job. It is not a good sign when I think I could do better. In Lost Forest world, the poisonous and hallucinogenic ’shroom stands in for Kelly Welly, while the slow but long-lived tortoise is probably Cherry. It is unclear if the ’shroom has split its cap with ripeness, ready to scatter its spores, or if the tortoise has taken a bite, like Snow White of the tempting apple.
This is also the first time I’ve noticed that the cabin has a water tower.
DAS
June 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

if the tortoise has taken a bite, like Snow White of the tempting apple. – little red-haired girl

Given your system of symbology (which would make an “experience” with Kelly positively hallucinogenic whilst implying Cherry is, um, slow but sure?) wouldn’t that indicate that Cherry and Kelly … well, um, never mind …
Dingo
June 16th, 2008 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

Right now, the best way to read Mary Worth is with a shot of brandy while listening to Duffy’s Mercy. Then again, reading Mary Worth is always better with a shot of premium hootch.
Victor Von
June 16th, 2008 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

Spider Man came equipped with its own snarky commentary? I, for one, am impressed. I can’t wait to see this new version of Spider Man, which I can only assume consists of us making fun of the supposed super hero.

I saw a turtle eating a mushroom when I was a kid. It was awesome.
Little Guy
June 16th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

yesterJP: The thought of Steve and Gloria together makes Abbey’s chest grow three sizes.

TodayJP: As Sam drinks up his Victory Coffee, Sophie accuses the maid of a thoughtcrime.

Lio: I don’t know where he’s going, but I love it.

Luann: Reset button? Gee, does Greg Evans have enough WD-40 to unrust that sucker? Or should I have the image of a frozen wheel deep underground?

Big Nate: I give odds to 60% for Nate to end up in the Big House, with 15% to the guard getting himself in trouble and/or pranked.

Curtis: Translation: “The artist couldn’t think of enough summer gags, so he’s recycling the school gags”
Dean Booth
June 16th, 2008 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

SlyFox: I wanted today’s SFx to be a continuation of yesterday’s: The gum found at the crime scene came back from the FBI lab, and its DNA matches both Carla Cat and Slylock Fox. How does Slylock explain that he did not rob Sir Hound’s safe?
Beehoppy
June 16th, 2008 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

Even the bowl of icecubes knows Cherry’s a hoooor!
Tom
June 16th, 2008 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

FC: No, children, Momma and Poppa Keane don’t use the tobacco. They use the marijuana weed, to help get them through the day.
Tom
June 16th, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

Wizard of Idiots: Alcohol abuse is so funny, especially when it’s at toxic levels!
Elmo Sweeney
June 16th, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

-1 for botany/drug dealing, Uncle Lump. Peyote is a cactus bud, and nightshade is a plant related to tomatoes. Neither one’s a mushroom.

What you wanted was magic mushrooms or deadly amanita. But spot on as far as the Gamera’s thought process.
Wolf Shepherd
June 16th, 2008 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

BB – WOW!!! How did they get that past the censors? Sarge goes to his gay lover in the middle of the night because he wants some “ice cream?” (You know what “ice cream” means in the gay sub-culture, don’t you? Yes, I think we all do.) And Beetle doesn’t even have to ask why Sarge is touching him in that way. He just asks, “vanilla or chocolate?” He is willing to give Sarge either option, but from his posture, Beetle is clearly thinking “chocolate.”
Kate
June 16th, 2008 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

DAS, in my experience, spaghetti straps don’t offer support; they’re decorative, or they satisfy the letter of church laws that say “No strapless dresses.”

My wedding dress was way covered up. I had sleeves down to my wrists, and no cleavage what. So. Ever. Nobody at a morning wedding in October in Seattle needs to see goosepimpled, pale (a) arm flesh or (b) boobage.

On that note, I now know why so many wedding dresses are strapless. It is *really* hard to get a close fit in a non-stretch fabric and have sleeves.
trey le parc
June 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

The Newly Dead Cathy:

Noseless and breastless wallflower Cathy, 74, was unceremoniously banished from the comics pages of the visionary San Diego Union Tribune after an online survey revealed her popularity dwindled since she purportedly and maliciously manipulated her clueless paramour into an allegedly soulless and deadening marriage that revolves primarily around the material acquisition patterns of American males versus American females, and Cathy’s Annual Tragic Swimsuit Fitting Marathon Wail-O-Fest. Savvy San Diego readers correclty concluded that Cathy has no business in America’s Finest City, and she has, in effect, been escorted to the outskirts of town and warned not to return.
trey le parc
June 16th, 2008 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

Uh, “correctly”. I was doing OK until then…
Paul1963
June 16th, 2008 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

Can it really be that no one has pointed out that no high-school kid in 2008 would ever call a peer “dipstick,” as posited in Rex & June and the Case of the Mystery Microbe? “Dipshit,” sure. “Dickhead,” absolutely. “Dickweed,” why not? Even “dillweed” would seem more plausible than “dipstick.”

Of course, this is a comic strip syndicated to “family newspapers,” so I guess we can assume that one of the above is what was actually said, rather than the Rosco-Coltraneism that saw print.
commodorejohn
June 16th, 2008 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

#119 Wolf Shepherd – Actually, I have no idea what it means, but I don’t see how it could possibly mean anything else.
Art Vandelay
June 16th, 2008 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

And another thing–

Foob: Why would Anthony be considered a “good swimmer” (to use the horrible metaphor)? He’s only had one failed marriage out of one try, that’s a .000 batting average– uh, wait, swim meet winning percentage. He’s drowned once already in the metaphorical pool, the big drip.
Mordock999
June 16th, 2008 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

#95 – Luann – Nah, NEVER happen. This is the Luanniverse, remember? Sure, the house may burn down but unfortunately TJ will emerge unscathed, or worse slightly burned. Just enough to garner sympathy from Chump, Brad. (Remember Brad’s defense of TJ after the “Meals for Firefighter’s” scam?)

But I for one would love for the last panel of tommorrow’s strip be a depiction of TJ running down the street engulfed in flames, while Delta, Bernice, and Luann are still doing their garbage pick-up gig.

Bernice: “Hey isn’t that TJ?”

Delta: “Yeah, looks like him.”

Luann: “Hey TJ, NO Smoking, Jackass!”

____________________

DEATH (and FIRE) to TJ!
Tom
June 16th, 2008 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

I think the FOOB water metaphor needs to be expanded to include fun words like Titanic, Lusitania, the Maine….
Donald The Anarchist
June 16th, 2008 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

MT That second panel! Considering both the toadstool and the turtle with it’s head out of its shell are classic phallic symbols (I guess you could also count the water tower way in the background), could it be that the artist is attempting to counterbalance the femininity in the opening and closing panels?

…Ooops, I went back and looked. I hadn’t even noticed that there was not only a man, but a man with a mustache talking to Cherry. Is she allowed to talk to men with mustaches? And seriously, what’s up with the second panel? Am I being gaslighted by Mark Trail? Are they trying to convince me I’ve gone mad, when it’s actually them? The turtle’s the key somehow; I just know it.

S-M Spider-man actually knows no faux-parachute will make a whiff of difference in his rate of descent. He’s gonna hit and hit hard. That’s why he’s pressing the ‘morphine release’ button on his costume. Now he’ll have an excuse to stay in bed all day and watch TV, as if the flu weren’t enough…

MW Face it Mary. He’s just not that into your meddling…
Moss_Moses
June 16th, 2008 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

71. FoobedAgain: Doh! Now I really feel stupid! I’m more out of touch with reality than the author of Judge Parker. That is truly pathetic. Pretty soon the nut sac in my chin will start descending…
Tom
June 16th, 2008 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

In Brevity, does a chimpanzee’s space suit work OK if his feet are bare? One would think some sort of boot would be in order….

In Family Tree, why doesn’t it surprise me that the men in the family go around with dry, sticky strands of snot on their sleeves?
Poteet
June 16th, 2008 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

MT — What the hell is the plan for all those ice cubes? I’m trying to think of possibilities that don’t involve smokin’ hot porn, but so far it’s impossible.
Tom
June 16th, 2008 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

I find it ironic that the flowers in B.C. couldn’t achieve sexual satisfaction without getting — wait for it — a buzz on.

Oh, in Zits, did anyone think for a moment that, in panel 3, someone was getting unexpectedly humped from behind?
Tom
June 16th, 2008 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

OK, one last one here. F Minus — is the implication here that he stuffs that sock down his trousers, or what?
jayjaybear
June 16th, 2008 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

Fuck you and the Sybian you rode in on.

GAAAAAH!!!! AUGGGH!! Brain bleach! Brain bleach! AIIEEEEE!
commodorejohn
June 16th, 2008 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

#125 Art Vandelay – Indeed. I sent a missive to CS on that subject, but who knows if it’ll get printed.
man behind the curtain
June 16th, 2008 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

FBOW — But will Deanna be able to cover Liz’s baby bump, the real reason fir the rushed marriage?
Tom
June 16th, 2008 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

#136: What an appalling suggestion!!! Liz is obviously still a virgin, and will remain so LONG after the wedding … unless she can do something about that pesky gag reflex.
man behind the curtain
June 16th, 2008 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

#125 Art Vandelay — Anthony is a “ggod swimmer” references his ability to impregnate Therese in one try. He knew he was only going to get one try.
gnome de blog
June 16th, 2008 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

107, Calico:

Unless it’s truly hideous, two days later nobody’s gonna remember what you wore. Even if you’re the one in the white veil. Sorry.
manzanita
June 16th, 2008 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

FOOB- About Liz’s sleeved/sleeveless dress–Dee cuts off the sleeves in between panels one and two. If you saw last Friday’s, the sleeves are clearly visible, albeit very gauzy and see through. When Deanna is holding the dress over her arm you can see the sleeves, but she must have cut them off before putting the dress on Liz to see the result. There were just too many comments on this subject for me not to weigh in,but I realize this was a boring and pointless clarification about a stupid comic, so I’ll stop now.
bats :[
June 16th, 2008 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

Ice Cubes: It’s What’s for Dinner.
Red Greenback
June 16th, 2008 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

Rex’s ~~hard on~~ interest would deflate if the kid’s nickname was “Cooter”
Harold
June 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

I once had a jaunty orange Fly Agaric growing in my yard, with yellow spots. Quite a departure from the red-and-white version. Probably just as poisonous and/or magical.

Is that turtle eating the mushroom? Considering that I painted our mushroom-shaped sewer vent in the traditional colors of a Fly Agaric, I hope I never get a hungry turtle in that part of the yard.
yeff
June 16th, 2008 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

How many trays of ice has Cherry brought out by now: Three? Four? Five?

That scene is going to be hot, Hot, HOT!!
Harold
June 16th, 2008 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

And Momma gives a shout-out to Pluggers! I’m underwhelmed.
the baron
June 16th, 2008 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

Phantom: I admit, I got stuck at panel#1, not just for the bodaciousness on display, but for the location of Diana’s “shoulder” holster. Clearly, her elbow hinges both ways. And she still has to throw her shoulder out of socket to draw her pistol.
Violet
June 16th, 2008 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

I like how Abbey refers to Samira as “Steve’s terrorist.” I hope Sam calls her on it, like, “Oh sure when she successfully blows up the legless and wheelchair-bound she’s YOUR terrorist, but when she totally fucks it up suddenly she’s STEVE’S terrorist.”
Muffaroo
June 16th, 2008 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

AD – I found this pretty darn amusing, and told just right.

GA – In Mother Russia, opportunity knocks you!

H&J – Oh, hi Sarah. Garfield called. He wants his eyes back.

Luann – Whoah, a flaming poof! Oh, and there’s a fire on the stove, too.

TheDiva @39 – See, when you said “sleeved wedding dresses do exist,” I thought you said “shaved,” and I imagined Ellie, happily grooming the formal wear. No, really, I did.

Note to self: resume with #59. Very tired, for some reason.
Wolf Shepherd
June 16th, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

#132 Tom – You mean like this?
skullcrusherjones
June 16th, 2008 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

Phantom- Hey, here’s where my years of writing safety manuals for oil and gas platforms in the Gulf of Mexico pays off.

Ghosts Who Walks should be crossing his legs and crossing his arms across his chest as a jump from that height (about 30-50 ft depending on which deck). He does stand a good chance off being knocked out by that fall which is why people who jump (and live) tend to wear life jackets.

And that would be the fastest way as ladders tend to end a good bit before they hit the water line. Even then, it’d likely be corroded beyond use. Even on a manned platform, it’s tough keeping the ocean from eating away at the thing.

Boy, my niche sure is boring…
Desoto
June 16th, 2008 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

9CL: Now Enos & Seth can be together at last, as it was always meant to be.

FBOFW: “marriage ain’t no backyard swimming pool”
You’ve got to get out when the water turns yellow.
You ain’t gonna last long without some inflatable devices.

FW: Dad, get out of my life! Do you understand me? GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!
Orange Doorhinge
June 16th, 2008 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

MT: Are there ice cubes in the bowl? Looks like marshmallows to me. I often have a bowl of them on the dinner table. Along with M&Ms and Jelly Bellys.
Perky Bird
June 16th, 2008 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

# 131 Poteet–

I bet those aren’t “ordinary” ice cubes. They’re cubes of frozen vodka or tequilla or something. How else do you think Cherry is going to get the nerve to star in Kelly’s ~~lesbian porn~~ nature film.
Joe Btfsplk
June 16th, 2008 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

#21 MDV – I agree – as he tumbles earthward, he will almost certainly spew webstuff into the air, and it will somehow knit itself into the form of a parachute. I will add my own bit of plot-call and predict that he will accompany this action with some sort of pun about his “web-chuter.”
Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
June 16th, 2008 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

FOOB: Aqua Foobs! If they gonna drown, I’ll put the hose in their mouth. (thanks, Mark Knopler, and Ray Kroc)
cheech wizard
June 16th, 2008 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

Big Dog: Marmaduke is about to gain an intimate understanding of prison culture and lingo, particularly the phrase “make you my bitch.”

DtM – “Ok Dennis, which got full first? This hand or the one I wished in?”

FOOB – “Marriage ain’t no backyard pool!” Kinda ironic, coming from someone who’s about to drown her kids in the bathtub.

FC – No, but they make up for it in gin consumption.
Poteet
June 16th, 2008 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

# 153 Perky Bird — Good theory. And I really hope Cherry’s dad will be sent far away to buy potato chips or something while the filming takes place.
Poteet
June 16th, 2008 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

MT — I wish to point out, for anyone interested, that the Wikipedia entry on Amanita muscaria (the mushroom in the second panel) is full of jaw-dropping information that ranges from Christmas symbolism being based on hallucinogenic mushrooms to drinking shaman urine to get high to the role of A. muscaria as an invasive species (groan) to the medieval theory that mental illness was caused by flies entering one’s head. My mind is blown, and not by flies.
cheech wizard
June 16th, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

4/In Light Syrup: What is Mark Trail’s profession, exactly? Naturalist? Finder of Lost Puppy?

Ezekiel 18, verse 26: “The path of the Outdoors Man is beset on all sides by the unpredictability of the weak, and the tyranny of bearded men. Blessed is he who shepherds pet bears through the valley of confusion, for he is truly a dumb (bleep!)er, and the finder of Lost Puppies. And I will strike down upon thee with great fists and curious bon mots those who attempt to hunt and destroy my brothers, as is legal in 50 states and the territories of Puerto Rico and Guam. And you will know my name is Mark Trail, when I lay my knuckles upon thee.

Bearded guy: “Yaaaaaggghhhhhh!”

MT – Pow! Pow! Pow, pow, pow!
blueberrygrrrl
June 16th, 2008 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

FOOB: In tort law, a backyard swimming pool is considered an attractive nuisance, i.e., inherently dangerous and a common source of family tragedy and potentially ruinous liability suits. I can’t wait.
Sorako-chan
June 16th, 2008 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

“Gotta stop my fall! But how?! If only there was some way I could grab onto one of those skyscrapers with some kind of sticky-type substance. That would work. But that’s clearly impossible.”
Sorako-chan
June 16th, 2008 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

This being Peter Parker, he could very well be trying to snag a cloud, thinking that he could use it to fly with.
BakNBlack
June 17th, 2008 at 12:09 am [Reply]

I took one look at Mary Worth and my first thought was she was giving Jeff a firm, hard slap on the ass with the paper. Jeff! You’ve been a naughty boy, haven’t you! Augh, no! Not S&MW1
Lurker Steve
June 17th, 2008 at 12:26 am [Reply]

Rex Morgan – Am I the only child of the 80’s lurking on this site? Isn’t it obvious to everyone by the “dipstick” name-calling that it’s Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltraine who stole those gym mats…probably working on a scheme to set up them Duke boys. We can only hope it will lead to a Hazzard-county-style car chase with Rex jumping his car over a dried-out creek bed or something. I wouldn’t mind seeing June in a pair of Daisy Dukes either! Too much to hope for?
True Fable
June 17th, 2008 at 12:29 am [Reply]

FBoFW Today Dee tells Liz she will be there for her, and even says “The first couple of years will be fun..and then you’ll start seeing each other in a different light.”

Huh? Fun and Anthony at the same time?! I agree with the second part though, this will presumably be when Liz finally realizes what a hugeass mistake she has made by agreeing to marry Old Clammy Hands.
True Fable
June 17th, 2008 at 12:31 am [Reply]

#164 Lurker Steve – It’s never too much to hope for June in a pair of Daisy Dukes. After all, we got several days of seeing Abbey Spencer in some.
Yow! :D
bats :[
June 17th, 2008 at 12:34 am [Reply]

Toosday observations:

FW: wow, Les, evidently your kid is on the fast-track to community college or beauty school…

JP: yay! Abbey and her incredible shrinking crop-top! (Or, why do you think Gloria didn’t call you, you slut?)

MT: exactly how much of a jackass is Kelly?

MW: STFU, Jeff! Gah! If he were any more of a Drama Queen, someone would be offering him a scholarship to Julliard, and he could hobnob with Amos and Edda.

FOOB!: nice to see how streamlined Liz has made her arrangements with Asshathony. She completely skipped the “lovers” part, is pretty much concluded on the “friends” and “parents” part…death is just around the corner, and not a moment too soon.

Then again, if L and A have a fairly quiet and happy marriage, I think Dee is going to massacre them in their sleep one day. (”DAMMIT! I TOLD you marriage was a real challenge…and you didn’t listen! NOBODY ever listens!!”)

FC: that’s either a bowlful of the daily suppliments that Grandma has to take to survive just one more day, or she’s just off her meds.
My guess is the latter:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2586500518/
Bobdog
June 17th, 2008 at 12:56 am [Reply]

Nature Film? No Cherry, we said Naturist Film.
anonymous
June 17th, 2008 at 10:31 am [Reply]

#150 – noh, your comments aren’t boring! Informative! That’s the fun of CC, everyone is allowed to put their two cents in!
Oddball Cargo
June 17th, 2008 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

Huh. I always found spaghetti straps to be better than no straps, but it’s pretty rare that I would indulge in either. Mind you, I’ve never been wed and don’t really have any inclination. However, if I WERE to get hitched, I’d certainly go with some sleevy. Like the dress on the cover of Muriel’s Wedding or something. Minus the gold part, but with plenty of boobage.

And OMG, I love Toni Collette.

Gads, I’m so glad everyone else threw up a little over the metaphor wars in Foob. Mind you, I couldn’t decide who I wanted to punch more – Dee for being so full of perfectlyfuckingobvious advice (”Not everything in life is easy”) or Liz, who can’t just shut up and let the advice come so we can be over with it already.
Minnie
June 18th, 2008 at 1:40 am [Reply]

MT — That’s deadly Amanita Pantherina, judging from the colour — not A. Muscaria. Tortoise is about to turn into dead turtle soup and I’m not touching it.
Ginger Yellow
June 18th, 2008 at 10:42 am [Reply]

Apparently Spiderman is so lost to daytime TV that he’s forgotten the centrepiece of his repertoire – being able to stop falling easily. Sadly, the rest of us haven’t forgotten, giving this strip even less tension than the strips where he’s watching daytime TV.
Greg L
June 19th, 2008 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

A possible next step for Spidey could be this:
http://ofnoobsandmen.com/comics/2008-05-13.png
John S.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:03 am [Reply]

Wait, if the Vulture uses an anti-grav device, why does he need the wings?

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