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Fight! Fight! Fight for Mary’s looooove!

Mary Worth, 1/8/13

Oh my God, has this Mary Worth cake design contest plot secretly been a Mary Worth Dr. Jeff gets jealous plot all along? Have I been extra good this year, to be rewarded so handsomely?

For those of you who are relatively new to Mary Worth fandom, the last Dr. Jeff jealousy storyline was pretty delightful. While volunteering at the hospital, Mary met a pair of brothers who were feuding even at their mothers deathbed. Then Mary picked up one of the dudes right at his mom’s funeral (under the guise of helping him with his grief or whatever), and they went on a date where he boasted about his political power — with Mary having broken a date with Jeff to do so. Somehow they made it into the local paper’s gossip pages, which left Dr. Jeff angry and humiliated, and they broke up, for a like a minute, but then Jeff repented and stated leaving pathetic, begging messages on Mary’s answering machine. But wait! It turns out the new beau hated seafood, which was a huge deal-breaker, so that relationship ended a little too amicably later that week. Mary and Jeff eventually reunited, bandying about unsettlingly erotic metaphors.

Since then it’s been smooth sailing, but now the green monster of jealousy is rearing its ugly head again! Poor Jeff just spent all that money on a semi-convincing blond dye job in order to look more youthful and vigorous, and this is how he’s repaid?

Apartment 3-G, 1/8/13

Meanwhile, Margo’s Christmas adventure just keeps getting more entertaining! I think at one point she and Greg were going to see Professor Ari working in a soup kitchen in a Santa outfit, but they wisely decided to stay in and make out instead. So Santa’s come to them! And he’s ready to get ripped.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/8/13

The Smif Menfolk Fambly Reunion is just day after day of unceasing violence. Just Smifs beating the crap out of each other in the streets, in houses, in Smif Fighting Pits with greased walls. The women can only cower indoors and pray, and prepare to tend to the survivors.

334 responses to “Fight! Fight! Fight for Mary’s looooove!”

  1. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    A3G – I would normally complain that we are still pretending that it is Christmas, even though it is mid-January. However, having a drunk guy in a Santa suit show up guzzling a bottle of scotch is something that we can celebrate year-round!

    FW – Well, with a name like “Jungle Jim”, I wouldn’t expect him to be a bottom. Also, I have a six-year old who still occasionally does a happy dance, though not as much as when he was an infant.

    Luann – When he goes to Corporate with his collection of Smartphone recordings of their conversations, I hope he also tells them that Ann totally stole his lunch money that one time, and made fun of his new sweater after Christmas, and that she should totally be grounded or at least put on time-out.

    JP – Please redeem this storyline by having Katherine come on to Randy. At the rate, and direction, that they are both ageing, she needs to do this soon before Randy would be guilty of statutory rape if he acquiesces.

    9CL – I’m confused. The punchline didn’t involve them having sex, just the female emasculating her partner? Is this the right strip, or am I reading Mary Worth by accident?

  2. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    What, no moonshine? Loweezy’s right to stock all the first aid. Without something to drink the Smiffs are going to whack Snuffy upside the head.

  3. Ethan Shuster
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Seeing Ari walking around with a bottle in his hand dressed in a Santa costume on January 8th suggests our new storyline will be “The Professor’s a depressed alcoholic.” He’s been wearing that outfit since December 23rd.

  4. Ethan Shuster
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Forget the fact that Jeff got the person’s gender wrong. “I’m sure she appreciates your role,” is such a perfect illustration of a guy just giving noncommittal answers to his girlfriend and/or wife to whom he’s barely paying attention. “Yes, yes, cakes are good.”

  5. Chareth Cutestory
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: That look on Dr Jeff’s face in panel two is that of a man determinedly scanning the side of the road for something to ram the car into.

    BGSS: Oh these poor, hill folk. They can’t even afford hinges for their doors and have to crash through them shoulder first to get at their medicine cache.

  6. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Yes, Greg, I’m planning on getting you drunk and have you lick Santa’s candy cane.”

    Curtis-What a great Kwanza story you got for me this year, Mom. In no way whatsoever was it dark and creepy.

    MT-And that’s how Communist Cuba was born, children.

    MW-”There goes my fantasy of you cheating on me with another woman and I walk in on the two of you.”

    MW 2-”We have one of those kinds here. I thought we ran them all out years ago.”

  7. Ethan Shuster
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    MW: That reaction’s not jealous, it’s homophobic. “A man decorating cakes?!?”

  8. Comrade Denny
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    DT: Since this strip was shamelessly ripping off playfully riffing on Detective Comics in the last storyline, I have to assume this Mole character is the same from one the Andrew Vachss’s Burke novels and that the next plot will feature an international ring of murderous baby-rapers and a sociopathic antihero who metes out his own twisted version of justice. What’s that? Dick Tracy‘s Mole was created in 1941? Well, I’m sticking to the sociopathic antihero part of my prediction.

  9. iFlat 3H
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#1): et al

    Greek Orthodox Christmas was on January 7 this year.

    Carry on.

  10. Spunde
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Snuffy: That bottle labeled “ANTI-SEPTIC” is just filled with coon piss, right?

  11. Nate
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    The rack zoom on Jeff’s dissociative episode in panel 2 really highlights the non-Euclidean geometry of the car. I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s strip, in which Jeff slams on the brakes, garotting Mary with the seatbelt that’s apparently stretched over her jugular, and the Eschermobile tumbles out of the two-dimensional confines of the comic and into Marmaduke.

  12. btown
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    A3G Next, Professor Ari offers to share the salmon he has stuffed down his Santa suit

  13. pugfuggly
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    MW “My god, if they’re baking cakes together, soon enough they’ll make pies together. Pies, they can eat together with tiny little forks!”

    A3G “Ho Ho Ho, Margo! That’s not a Christmas greeting, I just ran into your other boyfriend in the hall…”

    BG&SS Has anyone ever cracked the Hootin’ Hollerspeak code? How is it they can say ‘reunion’ but not ‘family’?

  14. Christopher
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith: Loweezy stores the first aid gear in the outhouse, since she wouldn’t want the menfolk tracking blood on her new dirt floor.

  15. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Poor Jeff just spent all that money on a semi-convincing blond dye job in order to look more youthful and vigorous, and this is how he’s repaid?

    Yeah, but do the curtains match the drapes?

  16. Doctor Handsome
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    “Don’t be silly! A bottle of scotch don’t ever interrupt SHIT! Now gimmee.”

  17. nescio
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    BGSS: Loweezy and Elviney are going to have a drunken party. “Anti-septic” is moonshine distilled by some Aunt who had sepsis. “Aspirin” is some especially low grade moonshine that makes your ass burn. “Band Aids” is a box of assorted home brewed and grown specialties suitable for a touring band. The gauze is to tie Tater and Jughaid to their beds for safe keeping.

  18. sully
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Shouldn’t there be a couple of jugs of ‘XXX’ moonshine amongst the bandages and anti-septics? Or do the male Smif Fambly members drink the anti-septics, resulting in the blind paranoid orgy of violence that appears to be inevitable. Either way, bring on the carnage!

  19. boojum
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    MW: Neither jealousy nor homophobia, but envy. Dr. Jeff has patiently endured years of abhorred medical practice only to fulfill his life-long dream of one taking up a sweet-ass second career as Santa Royale’s First Male Cake Decorator. All for nothing! NOTHING!!

    Historical note: Martha Washington’s handwritten recipe for Great Cake begins blandly, “Take 100 eggs…” That is all.

  20. Hibbleton
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @iFlat 3H (#9):
    I believe that was Russian Orthodox. Greek was on the 6th.

  21. Ratiocinator
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    FW: Somebody happy in Westview? Unacceptable! Dead Skunkhead is very right to sound the alarm and have Harry hauled off to a re-education camp.

    Slylock: At first glance I thought that the dog was triumphantly shouting “MUSEUM!” as he sprinted away with his ill-gotten prize. I also love how that while the father is shocked at witnessing the theft, his daughter is smiling in approval. It wouldn’t surprise me if she is a criminal mastermind child prodigy, and she put the dog up to this. All of the pieces in her master plan are falling into place.

  22. Hibbleton
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#20): Actually, I was thinking of the Epiphany. Carry on.

  23. Doctor Handsome
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Yes, I’m sure “she” appreciates Mary’s role, Jeff. Do you fully appreciate YOUR role, as Ms. Worth’s flabby old male bimbo?

  24. Marc
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#20): Serbian Orthodox was also on the 7th.

  25. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    And he’s ready to get ripped.

    When you say “ripped,” I hope you aren’t referring to this:

    http://www.tmz.com/2013/01/07/al-roker-shart-white-house-poop-fart-dateline-gastric-bypass-surgery/

    I always suspected he had gastric bypass surgery when the professor lost all that weight a few years back. And let’s hope the Santa suit isn’t a rental.

  26. boojum
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MW: Dr. Jeff is so upset, the color has begun to drain from his Mood Sports Shirt ™. Shit’s going down.

  27. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Luann-It’s because of stupid neverending stories like this that I don’t read “Luann” anymore.

  28. Doctor Handsome
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Smif clan holidays don’t really get started until Santa shows up with the scotch. Where’s he at, anyway? Did he go to the wrong fuckin’ strip or something?

  29. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    @iFlat 3H (#9):

    And I think Flying Spaghetti Monster Christmas is sometime in April. As I said, it is never the wrong time to stagger around drunk wearing a Santa suit.

  30. Voshkod
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    I want you to all think back to your childhoods. Maybe your five or six. It’s Christmas Eve. You’re trying to stay awake to see Santa Claus come down the chimney. You hear something! It must be him! You turn around and see Professor Ari, looking just like he does in panel 2 of today’s Apt. 3G, bottle and all.

    Now, how long would that haunt your dreams? If you said ‘until my dying day,’ you are correct.

  31. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Ethan Shuster (#3): He’s just two days late for Christmas. Russian Orthodox Christmas. That’s assuming he’s dressed as Ded Moroz (Grandfather Frost), not Santa Claus.

  32. iFlat 3H
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#29):

    I showed up ONCE at my wife’s family Seder like that.

    One time mind you and I am still atoning.

  33. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    @boojum (#19): Historical note: Martha Washington’s handwritten recipe for Great Cake begins blandly, “Take 100 eggs…”

    Poor Martha. As the wife of America’s second celebrity (after Franklin), she had to be prepared for a constant stream of visitors to Mt. Vernon. Old soldiers, travellers, whatever, they would show up regularly, often in large groups, and expect to stay a few days and be fed while they were there. In-between the Revolution and his Presidency, George was a private citizen, but still felt obligated to feed everyone who dropped by, despite the fact that his finances were not in the best shape. Having to have a Great Cake available at all times would have been part of the expectations.

  34. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    @iFlat 3H (#32):

    Did you explain that you were wearing the suit ironically? Failing that, did you liberally share the bottle of scotch?

  35. Mibbitmaker
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#1): re: 9CL: Alternately bewitching and emasculating men — it’s what Burbers do.

  36. iFlat 3H
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#34):

    After 4 cups of scotch and a dozen beitzahs, I don’t remember too much or why I did it in the first place.

    Oy!

  37. Doctor Handsome
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    I’ll be honest: I’ve busted in, drunk off my ass and dressed like Santa Claus in January, on people about to fuck. Neither time was it described as “a nice surprise.”

  38. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    9CL: rageface meme appears. can someone make a panel 4 with the “me gusta” face?

    Lio: TAKE MY MONEY!!!

    PBS: so long, and thanks for all the crocs.

    R&R: d’awwwww.

    SBp: *golf clap* nice concept.

    Zits: well, if Luann can do it, so can Jeremy!!!

    Crank: ok, who’s the joker that requested fanservice in this strip?!?

    MG&G: nope, no anti-grav belts here.

    OBH: *SNURK!* ok, that’s funny!

    Ghost-who-saSHAYS: o godz, I can’t wait to see what bats:[ does with this.

    Retail: ayup. been there.

  39. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .regular finger-waves.

  40. Vince M
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @iFlat 3H (#9): If you’re extra-super lazy about taking down decorations, you can claim Candlemas in early February as the end of the season.
    Still, the Professor looks like he just got back from breaking into Joan Collins’s house. Brrr.

  41. tb4000
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Curtis: You know, for kids!

  42. Squeak
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Dear Ask Wendy,

    My meddlesome girlfriend is baking cakes with another man. I’m afraid to confront her because she’s a mean old bat. (I hope she doesn’t find out I wrote to you.)

    What should I do?

    Blondie

  43. Greg
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Ho ho ho–Santa is here, Greg” were the exact words my therapist repeated back to me after he paid my bail.

  44. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    meanwhile, in The Phantom.

    meanwhile, in Marmaduke. (epic floof!)

    as seen in Mark Trail.

    it’s dangerous to go down under along, take this.

    the kewt is over 9000!

    corgi knows to Keep on Truckin’. after the nap, of course.

  45. Mibbitmaker
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MW: What? Dr. Jeff’s getting jealous of Mr. freakin’ Whipple?! Why o why do I ever assume these can’t get stupider?! (Josh’s right, this is manna from heaven for us!*)
    *if that’s how that phrase goes

    9CL: Edda is purely, massively, incomparably evil!

    Luann: Oh, I beg to differ, in general terms.

    Glibporn: Ouch! Right in the McEldowney!

  46. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    A3G-”I’m not Scotch. I’m Greek but I am full of scotch.”

  47. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn – Ah, women and their predisposition toward sudden, blinding, fatal violence. Amiright, strawman?

  48. Illustrator Steve
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MT – “Trail, you and your friend get in your boat and get out of here…Juan here and I will be fine. As a matter of fact, we are about to start our shuffleboard tournament….using Juan’s head as the puck!”

    (Mark): “Oh, Otto…you and your tournaments! Ha ha ha!”

  49. TheDiva
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    A3G: This strip is like the one house on the block with its Christmas lights still up and the sad, half-buried-by-snow inflatable snowman in the front yard.

    MW: “Jeff, I’m surprised at you! Not everybody who’s good at baking is a woman, you know! I’m appalled at your rigid perception of gender roles! Now drive me over to the Westons’ place, I need to convince Dawn that her life is incomplete without a man to devote herself to.”

  50. bbofun
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#8): “…the next plot will feature an international ring of murderous baby-rapers and a sociopathic antihero who metes out his own twisted version of justice.”

    Well, yeah- it’s DICK TRACY.

  51. Mibbitmaker
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    MW: Dr. Jeff will stew about this other man in Mary’s life all week(s). Angry and irrational, he’ll burst in on cake boy, take one look, and burst out laughing! Hard!

  52. endless sky
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    FW: Isn’t this yesterday’s strip slightly reworded? Tomorrow’s preview:

    “Volume two of the complete Alex Raymond Flash Gordon Sundays with the Jungle Jim Toppers !! I think I have soiled my pants!!”

    “This air freshener is coming out of your salary!”

  53. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    A3G: Yeah! Santa’s been on a HUGE bender and doesn’t even know that packages have been unwrapped, the New Year’ ball has dropped, the decorations are down, the wise men have come and gone, but the Prof’s classes don’t start until Jan 20! Hey, Margo, wanna party like it’s 1959? *Hic*

  54. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#46): ”I’m not Scotch. I’m Greek but I am full of scotch.”

    And I’m a Scot, but if you expect me to go Greek, you’d better have brought another full bottle.

  55. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#46): Greg says “I’m part Scotch… and I’m full of myself!”

  56. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    And he’s ready to get ripped.

    Unfortunately for Margo and Greg, Aristotle’s a mean drunk:

    http://cinemart-online.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/tales-from-the-crypt.jpg

  57. Dood
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Looks like Professor Hobo Santa is really going to enjoy his 12th day of Christmas.

  58. Illustrator Steve
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    MT – “Well, Bill, now we can FINALLY get down to doing some serious bone fishing!”
    “Just shut your pancake hole and get aboard the damn yacht, Mark. I’ve had just about enough of this crap. And, by the way, Mark… you’re fired! Got that, Mark? YOU ARE FIRED!”
    “Gee whiz, Bill! Does this mean I can’t stop by the magazine office for a few months on my way home?”
    “You know what, Mark? Forget about climbing aboard my fancy dancy yacht. How ’bout you just stay in this putrid green row boat while I’ll tow your ass back to Lost Forest?”

  59. TheDiva
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    New Musical Hell review is up! Join me as a drop a chandelier on The Phantom of the Opera!

    9CL: So Amos is kept in check not so much by blind adoration as by sheer terror.

    Curtis: And so they became the Wonder Twins!

    FW: Dead Skunk Head knows any expression of happiness calls down the wrath of the Dark God Batiuk, and he wants to be clear of the blast zone.

    Luann: At will employment. Do you speak it, motherfuckers?

    Marvin: Is the dog a boy or a girl? Would either option make this joke any less stupid?

    Pibgorn: I’m not sure if Brooke’s constant obsession with a hot chick beating up his strawman character is an adolescent revenge fantasy, an adolescent sex fantasy, or both.

  60. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#21): Don’t worry, happiness in Westview is only so that the residents can have a taste of the meal that they so soon will be denied. Crazy’s fun comes to an end when the entire lot is despoiled by … I dunno. Fire? Floods are a little too Biblical. Oh, I know. The worst despoilation in the eyes of these two idiots would be if they were purchased by an unappreciative customer who does not fawn over each geeky detail and reminisce in their 70 year old nostalgia!

  61. Little Blue Bicycle
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    A3G: I saw drunk Margo kissing Greg and Santa Claus
    Underneath the mistletoe last night.
    I really got the creeps
    Down the stairs I had a peep
    She thought that I was tucked up
    In Apartment 4G, fast asleep
    Then I saw drunk Margo tickle Greg and Santa Claus
    Underneath his beard so snowy white
    Oh, what a laugh it would have been
    If Tommie had only seen
    Drunk Margo kissing Greg and Santa Claus last night

  62. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW-”That guy. His cake was terrible. It looked like the sort of cake you would have for a six year old girl and it gave me the most terrible gas.”

  63. Ned Ryerson
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    A3G: Hobo tramp St. Nick appears when he damn well pleases!

    MW: “Jeez, Mary, don’t get all huffy with your HE! You didn’t say shit to me about this when you left the other day. I figured helping a friend meant visiting another lady so you could strip down to bras and panties for a tickle fight. As a matter of fact, I invested quite a bit of energy in conjuring up the image. Then I spent the rest of the night cleaning up the mess…wait, since when do they have cakes at the pool parties? I guess I was preoccupied with the polka competition and the coffee and cabbage rolls Mrs. Vilve Yachke put out.”

    “Simmer down Jeff. I thought we had an understanding that if I let you take me to the Bum Boat once a week, you wouldn’t pry into my social life.”

  64. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Snuffy: Hey, Loweezy, did you know that we city-folk use doors with hinges? They’re really new-fangled and stuff.

  65. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    FW-Doesn’t he need his Happy Drink before he can do the Happy Dance?

    Love Is-A visit to your overly personal proctologist.

  66. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

  67. Illustrator Steve
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    MT – “Doc! Cherry! Rusty! Sassy! I’m HOME! OW! OW!-YEEOW!!!”
    “Did you here something outside, Dad?”
    “NO! He’s probably outside!”
    “Rusty, did YOU hear someone shouting outside?”
    “Maybe…ho ‘BOUT i go grab Mark’s big camera lens and go investigate? Maybe I’ll even find some old ARROWHEADS!”
    “Okay, Rusty, but be careful and don’t forget about all of those deadly bear traps that my, er…I mean OUR friend Ranger Tom set all around the cabin, so remember to be careful!”

  68. Jon the Red
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    “Oh,” Dr. Jeff barks as his eyes drift out of the car and even away from the road, searching desperately for a cliff to fling the car off of.

  69. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Luann-I like think that you are a loser TJ and a hypocrite. Trying to fire a person for doing the same thing that you do. For shame.

  70. Mibbitmaker
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    MST3Kwanzaa 12-13
    1/8/13

    P1
    CROW: “Then she turned into an Etch-a-Sketch drawing.”
    SERVO: “The wind can’t draw eyes.”
    ALL (as Maya): “Ta-DAAAAAAA!”

    P2
    MIKE: “Just what you want in such a sad, depressing panel: pretty art!”
    CROW: “Looks like Edidna is being separated from HERSELF!”

    P3
    MIKE: “Cry me an ocean. (y’know… salt… water…)”
    SERVO: “John Boehner.”
    CROW: “Jack Paar.”
    MIKE: “Tammy Fae Bakker.”
    SERVO: “Ed Muskie, 1972.”

    P4
    SERVO: “‘Hey! It’s us, you guys! The other souls that were freed! Thanks for all the sacrifice and stuff! ….Um, bye, now.”
    MIKE: “So, basically, Maya and Edidna made mud together. Aaawww.”
    CROW: “You know, the human body is 100% water.”
    MIKE (as another, famous witch): “I’m MELLLLLLTINGGGGGG!!!”
    SERVO: “Now he knows what Frosty felt like in the greenhouse!”
    CROW: “I just knew this’ll turn into one of those ’60s beach movies.”
    SERVO: “Edidna and Maya perished, so that Frankie and Annette may live!”

  71. Austria
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    A3G: Stay tuned in March, when Professor Ari will show up dressed as Baby New Year.

    Luann: I’ve been away from the computer world of comics for a while. Been at home, you know, reading the deadtree (which recently switched to printing only 3 times a week). This thing is still going? I thought she figured out his smartphone ploy a long time ago.

  72. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark and Editorbillellis non-chalantly march off to their boat like ten seconds after life-threatening violence. Ha ha, just good fun, right? Otto is going to commit murder as soon as we hit the waves, but hey, that will happen off-panel. Otto only promised to behave for this one exceptional instance. He never promised to stop kidnapping, or even to start giving more of the proceeds to the islanders, either. Well, another adventure is at a close! We should post warning bouys to mark the range of Otto’s pirate boats. Or not. I hope Cherry is mixing the pancake batter and warming up the coffee! Mmmm… pancakes!

  73. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Jon the Red (#68):

    Sorry but after the death of Aldo, Mary used her influence to have all the cliffs removed.

  74. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Luann – The cognitive dissonance, it burns!

    TJ threatens to have Ann fired by playing a tape recording at “corporate”, in which she confesses to conning customers. Ann responds by firing TJ. TJ insists that she can’t fire him, corporate won’t let her, because he has quadrupled sales by conning the customers.

    If this wasn’t an Idiot Plot, Ann could navigate her way out by claiming that TJ went too far in upselling, that he didn’t “con smart”, but instead took his scamming to the point where the regular customers were alienated. But, of course, this would require that the story be written by someone above a third-grade level of narrative cohesion and understanding of real-world employment arrangements.

    (Also, we have apparently forgotten that TJ did not sign the Corporate employment agreement, but instead dicated his own contract on loose-leaf note paper, which Ann signed.)

  75. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo finds it “a nice surprise” when her makeout session is interrupted by a stinking drunk Santa. We’re learning more about her proclivities all the time.

    MT: First up in helping the people will be treating them to a banquet with roast former second-in-command as the main course.

    WofI: “Told you we should have named the kingdom ‘superego’.”

    BH: “Or maybe it’s because I was drunk off my ass by 9AM.”

    RMMD: All I can say is that if death looks anything like that, the odds of my being ready when my time comes just got better.

    GA: This has been another gripping and hilarious episode of “Con Artists Without Charm.” Tune in tomorrow and Chubby will something just as moronic.

    H&L: Suddenly Thirsty’s resemblance to Chip becomes all too apparent. And Thirsty is enjoying coffee with Lois while she’s still in her bathrobe. Read the signs, Hi.

    DT: “How are your families?” That’s “families”, plural. The Mole must get around, no doubt with women who assume the nose is proportional to something else.

    Shoe: Walt’s Watch Repair and Hormone Therapy. We do it all.

    FC: If you’re in the right country it doesn’t take any college, just inbreeding. Sucks for you that you weren’t born in one of those.

    Luann: This is the worst “Mission Impossible” episode ever.

    S-M: Kraven knows you can’t steal valuables without hunching over and looking appropriately shifty. He must have studied with the Hamburglar.

    OBH: If Ruthie grows up to be a DEA agent with a secret Cayman Islands bank account, you heard it here first.

  76. jp
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Since someone over at Wanders’ place referred to Mary Worth as a “human Q-tip,” I confess I can’t get the image out of my head.

  77. bbofun
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    9to5-Happened to accidentally click on this today. I’d like to apologize to every comic writer and artist I’ve called a hack. THIS is is what a hack writes/draws. Has anybody else seen this? Lordylordylordy it’s awful.

    Cranky- No. Just no.

    DT- Look, I like the tributes in this strip- but, really? And you still haven’t revealed what happened on the moon- or did Dick just leave Honeymoon up there (“you want to be like your grandpa? Stay here and figure this out!”)?

    JP- Katherine’s not only “wild” about weddings- she’s positively CRAZED!

    Pib- I don’t even get this- “ask any troll” about how reality is all a computer program? Is Brooke equating being a troll with believing we are all in The matrix?

    I take it back. Brooke’s still a hack.

  78. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    What gets me most about the TJ/Eiffel conflict is that the evil Eiffel never actually did anything wrong. She was caught on TJ’s phone cam saying that she cons, but without anything specific, I doubt that the corporate office is going to receive that as anything but a jest.

    The corporate office would NEVER begin an investigation into why a cashier was fired, because that’s the jurisdiction of the manager, who is Evil Ann Eiffel. If they ask, she can say “insubordination” or “he was ripping off the customers”. They’d never ask, because if they ever met the guy, they’d immediately agree that the face of the company to the customer should not be a creepy, shit-eating, rictus-grin.

  79. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Henry-And this proves the stereotype of women loving shoes wrong.

  80. Steve
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    SFx: Kraven strikes again!
    Didn’t want the tiara;
    Just hates museums.

  81. Illustrator Steve
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    MT – “Say, Bill. Why don’t we sail this yacht over to that nice island over there to see how the bone fish are biting? I can hear drums beating so they must want to welcome us! WHAT do you think, Bill?”.
    Sure, Mark. WHAT’S the name of that place, anyway. Here, look on this map for me, will you?”
    “Sure. Bill. Hmmm, let’s see…HERE it is! It’s called, ISLAND OF THE DAMNED! Worth a shot, eh, Bill?”
    “(Sigh), I guess so, Mark. At least THIS time we’ve got $2,000,000.00 in cash to pay for our freedom! Say, what the hell is Andy so upset about to be barking his head off like that?”
    (As the drums continue druming our heros set their course to the sland of the damned….scene fads to black…story arc ends. FIN)

  82. Pozzo
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    I momentarily forgot that Aristotle was Greek and assumed he’d been drinking since December 25th and hadn’t even bothered to change clothes during that time. Don’t worry — ouzo gets out vomit, sweat and fecal stains quite nicely.

  83. LP2004
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    MT: And so Mark, Andy, Editorbillellis, and $2 million sail off into the sunset. Remaining behind on the Island of Starving but Happy White People are Otto, Pops, and Ava, along with Juan and the rest of Otto’s presumably still armed and presumably very pissed-off erstwhile henchmen. That leaves one question yet to be answered: is Otto’s remaining life expectancy best expressed in minutes, or in seconds?

  84. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#74): Evans is using “it would work because I want it to work” logic, where TJ is the designated hero so any idiotic thing he tries to do will ultimately work. It would be more entertaining if he went whole gonzo hog and had TJ sprout wings and dangle Ann over the streets of San Diego.

  85. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    FC-About as long as it takes to become a doctor.

  86. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#82): “ouzo causes vomit, sweat and fecal stains quite nicely.”

    fixed that for you. ;-)

  87. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#82):

    I like that image of him drinking since the 25th and still in his Santa outfit too.

  88. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#74):
    Corporate Board HQ conversations:
    “… and our Global Sales figures are up 5.2% for restaurants open for at least one year. As a special note, .001% of that was previously attributed to store manager Ann Eiffel, but now we hear that it was some kid named TJ. As far as our push into the Asian market, the Chinese government has rolled back some previous restrictions on the percentage of rat meat allowed in our weenies, which is very good news…. ”

    “Wait, that Ann Eiffel, I hear that she cons, but she cons smart!”

    “Well, since we never caught her at anything, maybe she DOES con smart. I say that we need a smart conner in our HQ. Give that woman a promotion to VP of something.”

    “So moved.”

    “Seconded.”

    “Aye” “Aye” “Aye-ful!”

  89. Holly Folly
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Is everyone familiar with that concept made quite popular in Harry Potter where objects are bigger on the inside then they are on the outside? That the inner dimensions of a space can be changed by magic into a fantastical warping of reality? Good, because I am fairly certain that is what is happening in panel two of Mary Worth.

  90. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#37): Obviously you’re not living in the right apartment building.

  91. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    MW-”Just because you won’t get serious with me doesn’t mean you should get serious with other guys.”

  92. aprilglaspie
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    What will be the new name for the strip when Evan has blowed himself up, sir and Apartment 3G with him?

  93. Hibbleton
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#66):
    Yeah, but we celebrate and have a feast on the epiphany (baptism of Christ) January 6th. My Russian Orthodox friends celebrate Xmas the next day but have already exchanged gifts on New Years. We generally don’t make a big deal of it.

  94. bats :[
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Ethan Shuster (#3): it could be argued that the Christmas season extends to February 2, with Candlemas. If Ari continues to haunt Apt. 3G, I’m all for it!

  95. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Holly Folly (#89):

    Is everyone familiar with that concept made quite popular in Harry Potter where objects are bigger on the inside then they are on the outside?

    As you may know, Harry Potter wasn’t the first great British institution to explore this concept.

  96. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    That MW not-cheats on Jeff was 2008? That long ago? I have suddenly had visions of my life existing alongside a continuing helix of Mary Worth plotlines. I’m going to cry or vomit or both.

  97. Nekrotzar
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#20):

    And today is Julian Calendar Boxing Day!

    (Kyiv [aka Kiev] airport was very festive this morning.)

  98. bats :[
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

  99. AhClem
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    A3G – Ah, New York! Nothing says post-Christmas revelry like a drunken, bearded lout in a burnt orange Santa suit!

  100. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Alley Oop: Here is a vision of Brooke McEldowney in twenty years or so, minus some misogyny and classical music pretension.

    The Amazing Spider-Man: I haven’t seen such effective sneaking offstage since Freddy Mercury came down with a sudden stomach flu while doing a guest spot with GWAR at the Palladium in 1989.[*]

    Apt. 3-G: “I brought a bottle of holiday cheer.” “Can you pull your pant up, Santa?” (alt.: “That doesn’t make me your ho ho ho, you know.”)

    Andy Capp: With a James Bond like Greg, who needs a stunt double? Smash that face up!

    Frank and Ernest: You could say he didn’t start teaching yeasterday…

    Judge Parker: I’m beginning to figure out that the fun in JP and other serial strips is subverting the rules of Aristotelian tragedy, but I don’t have time to develop the thought, and unfortunately, there are no academics anywhere near who could flesh it out for me.

    Luann: Worst. Blackmail. Ever. This is so pathetic it makes A Very Funky Christmas look like Charles Dickens by comparison.

    Mark Trail: Hmm, the people I’ve spent months learning about and coming to identify with are suffering and in need of help? Well, goodbye now! My editor and I are off to get drunk and watch pornos on his yacht!

    Mary Worth: Wait, is Dr. Jeff irate because Mary’s cake scheme involves a man, or because Mary’s man-on-the-side involves cake?

    Pibgorn: I admit it: having a hard time keeping up with the crapulent here. There is a broken, bitter little man screaming out through the pixels – probably about stupid women and persecution by beefwit and the impossibility of creating Art in this fallen world. Try as I might, it doesn’t seem right to make a joke at his expense. Congratulations, Mr. McEldowney: you’ve succeeded in making yourself an object of pity, not ridicule.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: “Like death warmed over? I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about that,” June said, as a scalpel slipped from her sleeve. “Did I mention my new baby will require human flesh to live?”

    Scary Go Round: And splinters.

  101. cheech wizard
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    A3G – The Professor may be on time for Orthodox Christmas, but I don’t think Santa Claus is an Orthodox figure. That’s opposed to St. Nicholas, the real deal, who was Greek, and gave money to three young women so they wouldn’t become whores. So Ari is way late on that score as well, so I guess he’s just going to get them drunk instead.

  102. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Wunky Finkerbean — Tomorrow: Crazy contemplates suicide when he discovers the signature in his autographed copy of “Congo Bill: The Complete
    Action Comics Series by Ed Smalle” is a forgery.

  103. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#101): The orig St. Nic was Turkish, not Greek.

  104. Uncle Lumpy
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Somewhere in Hootin’ Holler lives the poor soul whose job it is to grease the walls of the Smif Fighting Pit, and mop up afterwards. He is the bottom guy in all the world.

  105. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    I’ve always felt that Christmas is too early. Everyone gets excited for the holidays, puts up lights, enjoys the season, and then … it is over. And all that is left is several months of cold, dark, bleak winter days to get through.

    At a minimum, Christmas should be moved back to February. That way, by the time it is over, you have Spring around the corner to look forward to and to take the edge off of the post-holiday blues.

    Long-term, I want Christmas divided up on a monthly basis based on your last name. So, A-C, for example, get Christmas in July, D-F get it in August, etc. That helps eliminate the ridiculous overburdening of delivery services, etc. It also helps with this phenomenon where the local population seems to triple during December – people you never see the rest of the year are suddenly clogging the roads, sidewalks, and shopping malls.

  106. bats :[
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Josh speaks Truth, that last bout of Dr. Jeff jealousy was memorable. There was a teensy bit with the “Domineering Dad vs. Skating Primadonna” story, but Torn Between Two Elderly Lovers was faboo!

  107. iFlat 3H
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#101):

    The Professor starts celebrating all Christmases on All Saints Day and starts drying out at Pentecost .

    There is a reason he isn’t in the strip that often. If he were more of a drunk, he just might be able to get a coveted sport over in the Funkyverse.

  108. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Archie: That’s a pretty open relationship with Archie/Betty/Veronica. Why the pretense? Why don’t Arch & the girls just go menage?

  109. Horace Broon
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    DT: I can’t wait to meet Ratty and Badger.

    MT: Ah, yes, the moment when Jackelrod stops paying attention to his own story. “We’ll just have to figure out another way to help our people here, even though it was made very clear that that wasn’t what we were trying to do in the first place.”

    MT2: You’ll notice Mark and Bill show no signs of saying “Well, we’ve brought the money here, we’re all friends now, and you seem to need it more than we do…” Nope just a cheery “Good luck with your subsistence economy, folks!”

  110. Jennybean
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    I love how Dr. Jeff’s nose looks flattened in panel one and then erect and pointy in panel two. It reminds me of when a character in a Merrie Melodies cartoon has a sudden revelation and *BOING*.

  111. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    A3G: Greg has his top button undone and Margo’s blouse has what can only be described in A3G terms as a plunging neckline. I never thought I’d see such filth on my comics pages. Sheild your eyes! Think of the children!

  112. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Dr. Jeff: Now is a good enough time to tell you that I’ve been doinking that hot candy stripper. No, not “striper”, she definitely said “stripper”. I did think it was odd that she showed up at my door with a spandex nurse’s uniform… hey, nurses don’t wear those anymore, do they? Anyway, like I was saying, this one makes house calls…

  113. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Jennybean (#110): If your *BOING* lasts for more than four hours please consult a physician.

  114. geogreg
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#103):

    The orig St. Nic was Turkish, not Greek.

    Per Wikipedia, he lived in Myra, located in what is now called Turkey, but several centuries before the Turks actually arrived there. He was Greek.

  115. Alice
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Luann: Corporate will be shocked–shocked, I tell you!–at a manager taking all the credit for an entry-level employee’s idea. Because that totally never happens all the time.

    Oh wait, this is the Happy Evans Fantasy Karmaverse, not the real world. Never mind.

  116. bats :[
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#103): even so, I’m guessing he lived in Constantinople.

  117. iFlat 3H
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#116):

    Istanbul.

  118. Nekrotzar
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @geogreg (#114):
    According to today’s NY Times, the city of Myra has recently been discovered.

  119. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Luann – Has anybody else commented yet that “T.J.” undoubtedly stands for “The Joker”? I’m hoping this is a prolonged origin story, and the real bloodshed will begin soon.

    Spider-Man – Suggestions: Web the tiara. Throw Kraven at the elephant. Remind audience of the “getting out of the way” trick.

    @pugfuggly (#13): Has anyone ever cracked the Hootin’ Hollerspeak code? How is it they can say ‘reunion’ but not ‘family’?
    If Shulock can still pronounce a word when she’s totally blotto, she leaves it unaltered in a script.

  120. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    113. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:16 am
    @Jennybean (#110) : If your *BOING*
    lasts for more than four hours please
    consult a physician.

    …or lay off the Nasagra.

  121. bats :[
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Meanwhile, Day 2 of “Savannah-cize”!

  122. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#119): Shulock? In BG?

  123. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Other possible names for TJ:

    Terrible Jabberwock
    Twisted Jeremiad
    Torture Jamboree
    Trickster Jellyfish
    Troll Junior
    Testicle Jaws
    Tambourine Jitterbug
    Tyrannosaurus Jerx
    Toothy Jerk

  124. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Oh… I forgot

    Terrorist Jingle
    Token Judge
    Tipsy Jackass

  125. Uncle Lumpy
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#122):

    Yup; in addition to writing A3G, Ms. Shulock is 16.67% of the Chix, and occasionally moonlights (moonshines?) on BGSS.

  126. Gringo
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    A3-G: Yay! Christmas finally arrives two weeks late! All we need now is a talking, flying monkey!

  127. Gringo
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: So she blows away like dust in the wind, and he disappears like tears in the rain. Kwanzaa turns out to be a Kansas-Blade Runner mashup. Wow.

  128. Mardou Fox
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Ethan Shuster (#7): Not really aware of Jeff’s simmering jealousy over Mary, I too thought that he was simply outraged by the idea of a MAN decorating a cake. Darn, does this mean we won’t be treated to Mary lecturing Jeff about imposed gender roles?

  129. Aviatrix
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    I finally had to have some context for all the trollporn talk and went to have a look at Pibgorn. It’s beautifully drawn and coloured with creative panel layout and imaginative settings. I didn’t find the language too pretentious, and with that much attention to detail in the drawings, I’d feel bad complaining even if the text were illegibly scrawled in Old High Ukrainian. Sure it’s a standard porn set up of unattractive guy gets beautiful girl–and here it looks like unattractive long-suffering guy helps free beautiful kick-ass girl from servitude to another unattractive guy. But that’s the standard porn set up because that’s what people want. A little more violence than I like in my porn, but fairies get magically put back together so it’s all right, right?

  130. RavenHawk
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#118): “Remind audience of the “getting out of the way” trick.”

    LOL

  131. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @geogreg (#114): Well, then explain why we eat a Christmas turkey! You never see anyone eating a Christmas gyro, do ya?

  132. DaveyK
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Given the pace at which Apartment 3-G moves, I am assuming this is a head start on the Christmas 2013 story arc?

    Snuffy Smith: Right. Medical supplies. Like we all don’t know that last panel showed alcohol, and lots of it, before the comics syndicate lawyers intervened.

  133. Aviatrix
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#60): … purchased by an uncaring parent, for a child too young to appreciate it, and who will tear the pages as she flips through them, looking for a good one to crayon on.

    @Ethan Shuster (#7): The beauty of it is that the face is so twisted with emotion than you can put any words in Mary’s mouth and his reactions are still hilarious. Try, “I’m thinking of getting my nipples pierced” in the first panel and “You should get a Prince Albert,” in the second.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#25): I love the way it’s totally unnecessary to click on the link. (I didn’t). The URL says it all.

  134. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    On RMMD, June breathes a sigh of relief. “Whew, I’m glad morose cancergirl isn’t going to detract from the true star of the party, my husband. And me, too. I’m worthy, right? You bet your tarted up ass I am!

  135. anorak
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Oh, please, everyone knows that the aspirin and anti-septic aren’t for the fight afterwards, they are to get nice and high on! (Possibly the bandaids too, who knows, I’ve never been that desperate/hillbilly to try getting high on bandaids, but if anyone can, it’s the good folks in Hootin’ Holler!)

  136. Gringo
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#119): A joker? A smoker? A midnight toker?

  137. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

  138. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#133): “… purchased by an uncaring parent, for a child too young to appreciate it, and who will tear the pages as she flips through them, looking for a good one to crayon on.”

    Or a HIDEBOUND LITERALIST who would not refer to it as an exquisite work of historic art, but as a “comic book”. No! You are unworthy to purchase my merchandise! Out, out of my store! Don’t come back until you have read the entire Sandman series! Twice, so you know what the hell is going on!

  139. Marc
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @iFlat 3H (#117): The old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it, I can’t say. I guess people just liked it better that way.

  140. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#136): So his real name is “Maurice”?

  141. Marc
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#119): TJ isn’t likeable enough to be the Joker. Well the Heath Ledger version anyways since that is the only one I know.

  142. wossname
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#61):
    Oh, what a laugh it would have been
    If Tommie Evan had only seen
    Drunk Margo kissing Greg and Santa Claus last night

    FTFY

  143. Mardou Fox
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    MW: The look on Ari’s face, and the way he’s waggling that Scotch bottle, make it plain he’s just teasing Margo: “Am I interrupting anything? (As if there is anything you wouldn’t drop in a New York minute for this bottle?)” I imagine that the A3G characters say “in a New York minute” often, to remind themselves that’s where they are.

    Also, did Ari borrow the blaze orange Santa suit from Mark Trail?

  144. hogenmogen
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    @geogreg (#114): To be fair, the government changed, but the people and the ancestry remained. Alexander conquered Egypt and west out to India, but we don’t refer to Egyptians or Indians as Greeks. Rome conquered France and Spain, but the people that live there aren’t considered Romans, or even Italians. I’m no philatilist, but that’s why I called St. Nicholas a Turk.

  145. exapno
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#75): H&L: Suddenly Thirsty’s resemblance to Chip becomes all too apparent. And Thirsty is enjoying coffee with Lois while she’s still in her bathrobe. Read the signs, Hi

    Don’t forget that we are reminded every 10 years or so, that Lois is Beetle Bailey’s sister, and it was mentioned, also very occasionally, that Chip takes after his Uncle Beetle in both laziness demeanor and the hiding of the eyes sometimes. Perhaps Thirsty is a distant Bailey relative – would explain why the Flagstons put up with him sometimes.

    If we went by looks alone, Chip’s friend with the sailor hat could be related to BB’s Captain Scabbard. Either that, or its lazy drawing at WalkerCo

  146. exapno
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#139):

    Because the Brits who took over Nieuw Amsterdam from the Dutch, preferred to name it after a something/one BRITISH.

  147. Ratiocinator
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Squeak (#42): Is Mary still filling in for Ask Wendy, or has Wilbur gone back to writing it?

  148. TheDiva
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#119): “Wanna know how I got these scars? I had this boss who was always complaining about my smirk…”

  149. Jeff
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    The Chicago suburb paper the Daily Herald wants to make some changes to the comics section. Specifically looking to drop at least three comics They’ve offered up five to drop and are looking for readers to weigh in.

    What’s puzzling one of the comics they want to add is the 80-year-old Alley Oop?!?!

    Comics being offered up to drop: Judge Parker, Pickles, The Dinette Set, Stone Soup and The Other Coast.

    I can’t see dropping Judge Parker for Oop!! I think Pickles is a more than saved. It’s a matter which of the other ones go.

    You can email the editor: comics@dailyherald.com.

    Save the Judge!!

    http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20130107/news/701079950

  150. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    RE: LuAnn. Ann Eiffel is supposed to be some cold hearted corporate climber who uses sex as a weapon. So we’re supposed to believe she hasn’t gone down on at least a couple of people at corporate who will protect her job? Though I suppose it’s possible that TJ has as well.

  151. Baka Gaijin
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nate (#11): Your comment started out nerdy and ended up hilarious. Good one Nate!

    @Hibbleton (#22): I was thinking about The Epiphany on the drive home from work. I wonder who looked at the kiddo in the manger, slapped his forehead and said, “D’oh! The messiah.”

    @iFlat 3H (#32): Best seder ever!

    @TheDiva (#59)on Curtis: Waaah! I wanted to say that.a href=

  152. Hibbleton
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Love is ..checking for STD’s before going condomless.

  153. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 8th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#152): and after Dr. Ben Dover is done, he returns Little Naked Guy to his girlfriend.

  154. Hibbleton
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#153):
    That would explain the look on his face.

  155. Baka Gaijin
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @jp (#76): “Human Q-Tip?” Mary Worth? I’d say, in that metaphorical drug store, Mary is a human suppository while thinking she’s a human enema.

    @hogenmogen (#96): It’s the Twenty First Century. You can do both and more!

  156. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Lockhorns-”Loretta, have I told you yet today that I don’t love you anymore.”

    Hi and Lois-”I’ll be in here fucking your wife.”

  157. Vince M
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#133): re. unneccessary/unwanted link clicking: that goes double, no, triple, for Josh’s MW “unsettlingly erotic metaphors.”

  158. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#109):

    MT: Ah, yes, the moment when Jackelrod stops paying attention to his own story. “We’ll just have to figure out another way to help our people here, even though it was made very clear that that wasn’t what we were trying to do in the first place.”

    My thoughts exactly!

    And remember that at one point after Otto was rescued, he laid in bed and told Mark that saving his life wasn’t going to change anything between them.

    Guess he changed his mind!

  159. Poteet
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    MW — Josh, thank you for the link, via “pathetic, begging messages,” to one of the worst fashion decisions Mary made in the past decade. Yes, Mary, you do have a figure that is undoubtedly the envy of the other female members of your dark eternal cult, but that dress, gaaaah.

  160. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#13):
    Has anyone ever cracked the Hootin’ Hollerspeak code?

    I tried when I was writing that “crossover” with Snuffy and Mark Trail. But it is tricky to figure out. The thing isn’t necessarily a word like “fambly” it is that “reunion” isn’t something they’d naturally corrupt, at least the way it “sounds”. Of course, the trick is how to you write a word like that without confusing readers. It is tough.

    Anyway, the three strips Josh chose today are my Troika of Jollyment du Jour! Each one has so many possibilities. Since I have yet to get past the 13th comment so far, I’m sure others have yukked it up about ‘em already.

  161. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#129): here it looks like unattractive long-suffering guy helps free beautiful kick-ass girl from servitude to another unattractive guy

    Not quite. There is just one unattractive guy, who is the stand-in for Brooke’s critics. He won a wish from a Djinn in a soda can (for some …. reason…), and wished for his game character to come to life, specifically as Barbara Eden’s Genie, as remembered by Brooke from his adolescence. But first, the kick-ass girl chopped him into tiny pieces. Twice. I thought that he wished for her to have to serve him as her master, but apparently Brooke has forgotten that part (or, it will be a plot point tomorrow), because today she is ready to disembowel him for a third time. This is all fun and games, because the Troll deserves it for being a Troll. There are also wormholes, and a topless mermaid, and two other interchangeably violent females in fetish costumes of their choosing, and a hilarious bit where the male Djinn flies into one of the females and ends up stuck between her legs for about a week (without even proposing at the end), but that is enough summary for now.

  162. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#125): I’ll be darned. According to Wiki, Shulock “…is an uncredited contributing writer of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith.”

    It takes more than one person to come up with that drivel?

  163. Sparkle Plenty
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    MT: Another arc dribbles to its close. Now Mark gets to go home. I wonder if Cherry held Christmas for him. Wild turkey with all the trimmings. The tree decorated with strings of popcorn and cranberries. A few of Doc’s famous Tom ‘n’ Jerrys.

  164. Poteet
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    A3G — Aren’t Evan and the box containing Aunt Cathy’s severed head hiding in Margo’s bedroom closet or something? It’s a tribute to the enervating powers of A3G that I don’t really care.

  165. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#93): That’s what I thought, but didn’t want to do the research to verify my memory. So it goes.

  166. Poteet
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#161): Thank you. I was starting to weaken just a bit, but your informative report is enough to keep me away from Pibgorn for another few months.

  167. Baka Gaijin
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    As I said a few weeks ago, the LVPD will find the tiara in Sherry’s prehensile rectum seated atop the runaway elephant.

    “It’s Betty Crocker’s name on the box, not Barney Crocker,” fumes Jeff Corey to himself. “Betty!”

  168. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    Not only did Dr. Jeff get a “Just for old jealous male doctors” hair dye, he got a nose job in panel 1 so he can look like newest Russian citizen Gerard Depardieu.

  169. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#118): No kidding? I just saw an article on this last night. Small world.

  170. Ralph
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary as depicted in the strip has got to be around 80. For the nth time, I wonder how did in the world did she land Jeff who looks to be a very seedy 50, even with his usual brown hair. As a professional baker, I would also remark that (a) baking is a gender neutral profession, and (b) the decorating skills on display are of a piece with the depiction of NYC in A3G. As a sentient being, I would remark that MW has got to be the lamest strip ever created.

  171. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I don’t think Greg Evans really understands how corporations, like WeenieWorld, actually work. Unless there’s some real fraud or law-breaking involved, corporate doesn’t really give two shits about how store managers treat their employees. All that matters is that the store hit certain sales and profitability targets. OF COURSE Ann Eiffel is going to take credit for all of TJ’s sales! That’s the nature of the beast! And corporate isn’t going to come down on her because she’s not treating TJ all that well. If anything, corporate will promote her to a regional manager or something. The only real danger for Ann (now that she’s fired TJ) is not being able to keep the store sales up to the level that TJ had them. A sharp decrease in sales? THAT is what would have her removed as manager!

  172. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#162): Well, you know, even Josh has to have Uncle Lumpy substitute for him once in a while.

  173. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    MT: “I think Otto is sincere in his desire to help his people.”

    // There an echo in here?

  174. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#102):

    Wanna know sumptin’? I was gonna bring up Congo Bill and Congorilla* yesterday when I was riffing off of talking monkey and Otto throwing his voice.

    I get it, Rocky!

    And yet, I don’t give a whit about FWinkerbean bring up classic comics. There’s something hollow about it.

    Maybe it is because of the forced nostalgia angle….?

    *who’d probably be working for ConAgra if he were real.

  175. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#167):
    After the heated altercation with Mary, Dr. Jeff walked into the kitchen in his bathrobe. His throat was parched and his blood sugar low from the argument about her spending time with John Dill.
    Dill wasn’t Dr. Jeff’s “kind” – Jeff knew that retired hotel managers had absolutely no social bearing in Santa Royale, nor did they command any respect. They were outsiders to the likes of the Coreys, and yes, Mary too.
    Jeff had an empty glass in his hand when he opened the cupboard to find a glycemic snack to go with a nice glass of California orange juice.
    Then he saw it – the box of yellow cake mix with Betty Crocker’s smiling visage, leering at him, taunting him and him alone for his troubles.
    He barely remembered the glass falling to the lino floor, smashing into dozens of fragments around him. He woke up from the panic attack on the floor surrounded by shards, none of which seemed to have pierced his flesh.

  176. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Ethan Shuster (#3):
    Maybe he’s getting a late buzz on for Coptic Christmas.
    *hic*

  177. exapno
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#171):

    I think Evans – and most cartoonists in general – have problems with the way LIFE works…that’s why they are cartoonists.

  178. exapno
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#176):

    I think Coptic Christmas would be celebrated a little different than that *cough cough*

  179. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @exapno (#178):
    How so? I don’t think they do the Santa thing, but no booze?
    *hic*

  180. Amos Snarkadder
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    MW – “Oh.”
    Dr. Jeff knows what that means: weeks of intense preparation, Mary and John, working over a hot stove and sweating in front of a blazing oven, pulling all-nighters, frosting and fondant smeared over her apron, on his toque, shedding clothing and shedding inhibitions. And the cake, “The Beauty of Nature” will reveal it all, with its bulging, obscene bounty of overripe fruit and erotic flora, the offspring of their unbridled passions. But among the florid excess, there will be a single creature, a snake in the garden, a bitter viper to strike at Jeff’s heart and crown his humiliation.

  181. Baka Gaijin
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#175): Wow. Um. Wow.

  182. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#75):

    Suddenly Thirsty’s resemblance to Chip becomes all too apparent. And Thirsty is enjoying coffee with Lois while she’s still in her bathrobe. Read the signs, Hi.

    Well, I was just gonna remark on how cozy he was and how Lois is happy Hi is leaving the house while Thirsty McGlugglug is just Being Thirsty!

    But, parentage? If you go there, you’ll have to incorporate the mystery Waste Removal Service Guy who is Thirsty’s Doppleganger. Obviously, WRS Guy is hard working but I doubt that is a genetic trait.

    //i tried to do a bunch of t>i>HIrsty and Lois gags on this site that added a Libido-revved Thirsty to the mix of a boring Hi & Lois strip. Someone went off on me for sullying a perfectly wholesome strip with my ne’erdowellery.

    Oh well. Today’s H&L might yield a return to that glory day of Thirty Being Thirsty!

  183. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#15):
    As Gordon Ramsay once said (really!) “I’ve got a ginger bollock.” TMI, chef.

  184. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#171): I’m still trying to figure out why AE is managing a fast-food joint. In my experience, fast-food managers are (1) working their way through school, or (2) barely literate. AE appears to be neither.

  185. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#125):

    As long as Slylock is still a one person operation, it doesn’t matter if the rest of the strips have uncredited ghost writers.

    Heck, it is probably common, right? 2-4 people per strip doing what you would think, once upon a time, one person did by their own devices. Now, with the Gagatron Serious of Machines, anything is possible, right dancing, headless skunk on the top of comic book guy’s head? Anything is possible!

  186. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 8th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#122): I keep thinking of her as the writer. Actually, there are two writers, so I don’t have any way of knowing if she wrote a particular day’s strip.

    @Gringo (#136): Well, TJ’s been known to leave a building smoking.

  187. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#74): Not to mention that in many states, recording someone without their knowledge and permission is in itself illegal.

  188. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#186):

    Two?
    Well, don’t that beat all? Do you think they get drunk and act out the dialogue?
    It is called WRITING!

    >hiccup!<

  189. Tallybo
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    Jeff: “He? You’re going to be HIS assistant? As in YOU will be taking orders from HIM? Letting HIM be in charge? Making HIM feel like a real MAN? That’s it. I’m taking baking classes.”

  190. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#172): I’m not sure whether Josh or Uncle Lumpy should be more insulted by that comparison.

  191. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#84): Agreed. That’s the problem with both Luann and Funky as strips. Their creators are so invested in the idea that they must be “realistic” and yet whenever the plot demands it, they distort “reality” beyond all recognition.

    Either be realistic, or don’t, but if you don’t, you might as well embrace it instead of pretending that you deserve cookies for writing a “serious” strip. And if you’re going to be realistic, you need to do some research, and maybe spend some time out talking to people who aren’t existing only in your head.

    Hell, most of the “unrealistic” strips – like Heavenly Nostrils or Endtown or such – do a far better job depicting realistic human behavior than the “realistic” strips do.

  192. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Ralph (#170):

    As a sentient being, I would remark that MW has got to be the lamest strip ever created.

    Ever read Mark Trail?

    How about Love is….?

  193. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#190): My work here is done.

  194. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#35):
    Mary too.

  195. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Dunno if anyone’s caught it yet, but SMBC is relevant to today’s Luann.

  196. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#186): Who is the the other writer? John Rose? Or does he just draw it?

    // Hitting the “more about” button in Comics Kingdom, got me a long write-up about Rose’s predecessor, Fred Lasswell, and this interesting insight: “The lack of social commentary also might account for the strip’s seemingly timeless quality. Its humor can be enjoyed and appreciated for generations.”

    See, if Gary Trudeau just dropped that social commentary and political stuff, he might make something of himself. He too could be seemingly timeless.

  197. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#171): The only real danger for Ann (now that she’s fired TJ) is not being able to keep the store sales up to the level that TJ had them. A sharp decrease in sales? THAT is what would have her removed as manager!

    You know what? I have this hazy memory of that being TJ’s original plan. That he would make her so dependent on his mad selling skillz that he could then quit and screw her over that way. None of this random illegal blackmail crap.

  198. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Luann: The most amazing thing about this story is the presumption that anyone at “Corporate” (who exactly is TJ going to send this recording to anyway?) would give a shit. If anything, they’d demand that Ann fire TJ to put a cap on this whole juvenile crapfest before it gets completely out of hand.

    Also, what’s the California law concerning recording someone without their consent? So long as Luann wants to be all realistic and everything…

  199. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Pickles: Say what you will, that Earl is no Plugger.

  200. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#191): if you’re going to be realistic, you need to do some research, and maybe spend some time out talking to people who aren’t existing only in your head

    Exactly.

    There is just no point in treating this nonsense seriously and pointing out “wait, isn’t that an illegal wiretap?” or “wait, would corporate really care even if she was trying to upsell?”, or “wait, didn’t TJ get hired and then promoted for exactly the thing he is trying to get Ann fired for doing?”. It is like pointing out plot holes in Scooby Doo. Yes, it makes no sense for him to try to scare everyone away, when his business relies on him selling trinkets to tourists. It’s Scooby-Doo! It’s written for people who are too young or too high to know any better, or care.

    This strip started out as a “you go girl!” encouragment for pre-teen girls (written by a middle-aged man). As it went on, the characters aged slightly, and the “serious” plots started showing up, but the author is still unable to plot or script anything better than just “rah rah for the designated heroes” storylines.

  201. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#198): what’s the California law concerning recording someone without their consent?

    That came up before. It’s complicated, and varies from place to place, but usually those laws refer to recording phone conversations. Recording a face to face conversation, in a public place, is not, as far as I can tell, illegal.

    Philosophically, that whole area of the law is a little strange. If you and I have a conversation, over the phone, or by any other means, and I write down everything in a notebook, that would never be a problem. I would not have to tell you I was writing everything down. If I had an eidetic, memory, and simply remembered everything you said, that would not be a problem. So how is a tape recorder, or digital equivalent, different?

  202. The Ghost of Jarrod
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Luann – I recognize all the great points above about corporate’s non-interest in TJ’s recording. I do. Still, that’s not the part that infuriates me here.

    The part that infuriates me is this: In the months that TJ has had that recording, he’s never backed it up. I mean, come on. He never mailed it to himself? Really, his whole plan was to let Ann delete his recording, then record her saying something else incriminating?

    Look, I get that a lot of artists don’t get the soul-crushing way corporations work; I can suspend my disbelief for that, just like I suspend my disbelief when the over-worked guy is always preparing for a “big presentation” for his boss. But I can’t overlook the fact that in 2013, Evans doesn’t appear to understand that digital data can be moved from one device to another.

    If TJ drives to corporate with the phone, I may have to stab something. (Don’t worry — it’ll be something inanimate. With a straw. Still, I’ll do so angrily.)

    MT – I think the best resolution for this would be for Mark to completely forget about this island, and for everyone there to die of starvation. Simply because that’s the most likely resolution.

  203. Old Folkie
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Holly Folly (#89): I think Dr. Who’s Tardis had that concept first…

  204. Dood
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “Is that a bottle of scotch?” “No *hic* Santa’s jus’ really happy to see ya.”

  205. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @exapno (#177):
    Some see things as they are and ask, “Why?”. Cartoonists dream things as they never were, and draw them. — Albert Camus

  206. Poteet
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#201): I always assumed the difference was that a recording could be used as legal evidence in court and couldn’t be accused of lying. Whether there is now some equivalent of Photoshop to alter recordings, I don’t know, and of course some recordings can’t legally be used in court anyway.

  207. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#119):
    Either that, or “total jackass.”

  208. Gal Friday
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    In Scandinavia, Christmas lasts until Jan 13, which is “Twentieth Day” (and also St. Knut’s Day). In some communities, an evil goat man (like the Krampus) demands food and drink on this day. Which is I think why Prof. Ari is starting early rather than late.

  209. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#201): If I had an eidetic, memory, and simply remembered everything you said, that would not be a problem. So how is a tape recorder, or digital equivalent, different?

    Because, in the one case, you are serving as an “eye”witness to the conversation, and the value of your testimony depends upon your credibility as a witness. The recording, however, serves as its own, independent piece of evidence. A whole different set of credibility questions apply: what is the context for what we are hearing? Has the recording been edited? Why does she announce “This is Ann Eiffel” as a coda? Is that even her, or is it an impersonator?

    For a conversation, you and the other participant can both testify as to what was said, what wasn’t said, etc. But for someone to record your words and then have the opportunity to electronically edit them to make you into a false witness against yourself is something else entirely.

  210. Hibbleton
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#201):
    It’s a privacy issue. Anything you write down would be heresay not so a recording.

  211. Majicou
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    Frazz: And when you spend your time around a smug prick like Frazz, life will seem longer still.

    FW: So he’s going to keep saying all of that each time he refers to the damned thing. Next he’ll be going on about his Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles to his sister with the sauna, Mercedes, and room for a pony.

    HotC: And the children are quick-cooked by me in dragon fire!

    Pluggers reproduce primarily for a source of free labor.

    In Mary Worth, it’s not just a metaphor when “jealousy rears its ugly head.” Oy.

    Shoe: Maybe Roz wouldn’t feel so bad about her biological clock if she hadn’t spent so much time going into local businesses to deliver appallingly bad jokes.

  212. bats :[
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#144): I’d so eat a gyro for Christmas dinner. And borek.

  213. Cuddleslave
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Unspeakable filth. Bra fitting should be restricted to RMMD.

  214. Majicou
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#209): You’ve hit upon TJ’s undoing. Obviously, no recording can be considered legitimate evidence if the one recorded doesn’t identify him-/herself at the end, as most people do at the end of every utterance.

    // What? You don’t do that?

  215. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#214):

    I always identify myself at the end of every statement. For example, when I robbed that bank and shot the guards last week, I made sure to hold a business card up for the security cameras.

    This is Nehemiah Scudder.

  216. Old Folkie
    January 8th, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    JP – I don’t understand why the filthy rich Parkers still wash dishes by hand. Don’t they have a dishwasher? Or a maid?

  217. Snuffed Smith
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    I hear that Marshall Givens is going to bust the Smif Fambly Reunion tonight on the season premiere of Justified.

    Hillbilly heroin indeed.

  218. seismic-2
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#215): Whenever I kidnap a wildlife writer and demand $2M ransom from his magazine, I never wear a mask, and I always use my real name. Then I go bonefishing with my abductee. Hey, on my little island, those gringo FBI agents are good sports and will always let bygones be bygones, so there’s no possible downside to letting everyone know who you are. Just like “Cheers”, this is a place where everyone knows your name. Even the monkeys.

  219. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#200): I’m not sure. At what age group do you think Luann is aimed? I think the lowest you could go is tweens, and I think that’s arguably low for some of the themes Evans touches on. I think it’s geared more toward younger teenagers. Therefore, I’m not sure that it’s worthy of a blanket dismissal like Scooby Doo, although on its own it’s so dumb that it’s certainly a consideration.

    In fact, thinking about your message, I’m reminded of how kids of a certain age place an inordinate amount of importance on trivial and stupid things, and that completely jives with how TJ and Eiffel think this recording is so incredibly important that Weenie World’s CEO is gonna get involved and Eiffel’s never gonna ever work again because of how evil she is and how mean she was to Brad and Toni. She might even go to jail! If it were a 13 year-old kid writing it, I wouldn’t even blink.

    But it’s not. It’s an older man who should be a little more aware of these things, and should be able to avoid such obvious issues. It’s fiction! He could have Ann do anything he wants to get in trouble, and this is the best he can come up with?

  220. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#219): We might just have a SPECIAL PLOT TWIST where TJ has a relative that works at WW Corporate….

  221. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#198):

    Also, what’s the California law concerning recording someone without their consent? So long as Luann wants to be all realistic and everything…

    Realistic? Methinks not!

    Remember that way back, when this stupid Weenie World plot-line started, it was because B-Wad was laid-off at the Fire Station and took a job at WW, instead of looking for another firefighting/paramedics job or going on unemployment for that matter. He then gets himself fired by Ann for not doing his job, thus prompting ol’ Permagrin to get involve.

    The absurdity of this plot-line boards on that of The Twilight Zone.

  222. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#209): @Hibbleton (#210): Dr. Box, good points.

    Hibbleton: It would not be hearsay if I was the other party to, or present at, the conversation. Whether I wrote it down or not, it would still be my personal evidence. Hearsay is “testimony given by a witness who relates, not what he knows personally, but what others have told him, or what he has heard said by others.” — Black’s Law Dictionary.

    If Ann Eiful (sp?) told me something directly, I could testify to it. If I had written it down at the time, or shortly thereafter, that would enhance the credibility of my testimony, and my notebook would also be admissible evidence. If I told you what Ann said, your testimony about what I told you Ann said would be hearsay, and probably inadmissible.

  223. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#209): Also, it falls within the probative and prejudicial spectrum, in that a jury’s going to have a difficult time determining just how important a recording of a witness or suspect is. If there’s a recording of a suspect saying “I’m a child molester”, with no context given, it’s going to be impossible for anyone to provide any evidence as to the context of that statement that’s going to counter the starkness of the recording effectively. It’s also why lie detector results are similarly not allowed. Juries have a tendency to overestimate their importance and their infallibility.

  224. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#218): What makes you think “Otto” is his real name? I bet you it’s a pseudonym, maybe an anagram of his real name. Maybe, he’s spelling his real name backwards!

  225. Chyron HR
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222): Ann Eiful (sp?)

    “Ann Eiffel”. It’s a pun because it sounds like “An eyeful” if you pronounce “Eiffel” wrong.

  226. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#219): It’s fiction! He could have Ann do anything he wants to get in trouble, and this is the best he can come up with?

    That is really my primary problem with this whole “Ann and Brad and TJ at Weenie World” story line. Evans can write up anything he wants. He can make Ann actually a bad boss, and B-Wad a model employee. He can make Ann do things that actually should get her fired. He doesn’t have to have Brad fired for goofing off on the clock and for having his girlfriend threaten Ann. But he does anyway. Is he really that unimaginative? Even if much of this is autobiographical, can’t he spin it so that it at least sounds better?

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222): RE: Hearsay

    Reminds me of an interesting story, from when John Adams defended the British soldiers responsible for the “Boston Massacre”. Adams brought in a doctor, who attended one of the victims just before they died. The doctor testified that the victim had told him that he doesn’t blame the soldiers, they were doing their duty, and only fired in self-defense. Normally, this would be hearsay. But Adams continued, asking if the mortally-wounded man was “aware of his condition”. He was, asserted the doctor. Well, then, that is different. No man would lie just before going to meet their maker. The testimony was admissable, and persuasive.

  227. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222): You’re not understanding hearsay completely.

    You need to ask who’s testifying, and what they’re testifying to. When you have someone bring a recording of another person up as evidence, you have a person testifying as to what someone else said. And if the point of the testimony is to assert the truth of what was said, rather than the witness witnessing the conversation, it’s hearsay. If you use a recording of someone saying “I’m a liar” to prove that they’re a liar, it’s hearsay. If you use it simply to prove that the person said it, regardless of the truth of the statement, it’s not hearsay. The latter example, however, is usually not relevant, and even so, its worthiness as evidence can be overridden by the prejudicial impact of the statement in the recording. If there’s a chance that the jury would believe that “I’m a liar” means that the recordee is a liar, it’s almost certainly not admissible.

    There are other problematic things with recordings, of course, but that’s the hearsay issue.

  228. Voshkod
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#226): I seem to recall that “dying utterance” was still a valid exception to the hearsay rules when I was in law school.

  229. Baka Gaijin
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#224): I think you’re onto something.

  230. Illustrator Steve
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    MT – Meanwhile, with yet another Mark Trail story arc comes to an uncaring abrupt end, Elrod is busy meeting with the local day care center four year olds to gather their thoughts and ideas for his next Mark Trail story arc, which gives Elrod about half a day to get the new story ready for publication.

  231. Anonymous
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#2):

    What, no moonshine? Loweezy’s right to stock all the first aid. Without something to drink the Smiffs are going to whack Snuffy upside the head.

    Snuffy and Loweezy are getting ready to make the cross-universe jump to A3G, and the drinking party that’s about to start there. Also, the party from Rex Morgan will be making an appearance at the same, where June and Margo will end up in a giant cat fight. Jeff Cory will show up, looking like something that the cat dragged in. I’d have the genie from Pibgorn show up, too, as he always seems so lost.

  232. Hibbleton
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#222):
    You’re right about the hearsay. Interesting that your hypothetical notes would be inadmissible should you not be present to testify (see Nicole Brown Simpson’s journals).

  233. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#228):

    Wow, really? I always worry when I commit to something so important as a CC post based on a partial recollection of a book I read 10-15 years ago, so I’m glad to hear my memory is at least broadly accurate.

    @Illustrator Steve (#230):

    Was this inspired by those cell phone (Verizon?) commercials where the adult meets with a room of kindergardeners for a discussion?
    “What is fast?”
    “A cheetah”
    “What is slow?”
    “My grandmother”
    “What would make her fast?”
    “If she was strapped to a cheetah?”

    “Now THAT would make a GOOD STORY!”

  234. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#227): @Voshkod (#228): You are both quite right, I’m sure. All I know about it is from reading Perry Mason novels when I was a kid, and this copy of Black’s Law Dict. I got at the second-hand book store. The article on Hearsay ends with, “… hearsay evidence is generally inadmissible unless it falls within one of the many exceptions which provides for admissibility (see e.g., Fed.R.Evid. 803, 804)”

    My emphasis. Obviously it’s complicated.

  235. KreatureFeatures
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    Luann: This is the worst porno ever. It is supposed to be porno, right?

  236. Jamus The Bartender
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Yeah, well, sadly, none of that is exactly fire-worthy, or even illegal. It’s too bad, I kinda wish it WERE illegal, because i’d like to see this strip spin-off into a new strip called “Annie Eiffel Doin’ Time”, where she’s dressed in a denim tied top, breaking rocks, and getting broken in by Rosie, who REALLY runs the cell block. Yeah, that would be great.

  237. Mustang
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Oh please. Assistant? Who do you think you’re talking to, Mary? Like we don’t all know who’s going to be the “cake boss” in this scenario. Except widower John. Poor decorating schmuck.

  238. Shrug, Petty and Shopworn
    January 8th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#224):

    “What makes you think “Otto” is his real name? I bet you it’s a pseudonym, maybe an anagram of his real name. Maybe, he’s spelling his real name backwards!”

    *****************

    No, no, not a palindrome, what’s that other thing, the one where two words sound alike?

    (Long pause) A pun?

    Yeah, that’s it! It was a pun!

    It’s not a pun! The pun of “Otto” would be “Notlob”!! It don’t work!!

  239. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#236):

    I’d rather see that happen to TJ, where he becomes Big Ol’ Bubba’s main love squeeze. Let’s see if he’s still grinning then!

  240. Shrug, Knowing His Place and Setting There
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#216):

    “JP – I don’t understand why the filthy rich Parkers still wash dishes by hand. Don’t they have a dishwasher? Or a maid?”

    ********

    I’m surprised they reuse dishes. Shouldn’t they just buy an expensive new set for every meal, then smash the glassware in the fireplace afterwords and toss the silver and such in the garbage (along with the clothes they bought and wore that day, and any stray currency that looks wrinkled)?

  241. Anonymous
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Gal Friday (#208):

    Oh, great. I had to go look it up, and then I saw the youtube video “6 to 8 Black Men” by David Sedaris, and then I had to go on to other Sedaris articles.

    Great. There goes another hour I’ll never get back.

  242. Shrug, Playing the Sedulous Ape
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#102):

    I haven’t been paying attention to DC since their recent “everything you spent decades reading and loving no longer exists, but now you get to buy 52 new first issues” ploy, but I vaguely assumed that Congorilla must by now have served his time, gone straight, and become known as Reformedgorilla.

    //// Or possibly that he got in a fight with an antimatter double called Progorilla and both were annihilated.

  243. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Petty and Shopworn (#238):

    What if the name is a ruse?
    Instead of Otto, perhaps his real name is Manual ?

  244. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Mustang (#237):
    He will be relegated to placing the silver dragées on the cake.

  245. Shrug, Calling "Hey, Magi, the Jiggs is Up!"
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#151):

    ” I was thinking about The Epiphany on the drive home from work. I wonder who looked at the kiddo in the manger, slapped his forehead and said, “D’oh! The messiah.” ”

    Really bad taste joke that I can’t resist posting, even if the season is past (except for APT 3G”):

    Once, long ago, in a humble stable in a middle eastern village there was a miraculous birth, and lo, three wise men came to bring gifts and do homage.

    And the first wise man approached, ducked his head under the stable roof, and called out to the parents, Mary and Joseph, “I bring gold.”

    And the second wise man approached, ducked his head under the stable roof, and called out “I bring frankincense.”

    And the third wise man approached, forgot to duck, hit his head a good one on the stable roof, and called out “ow ow ow ow JESUS!!!”

    And Joseph turned to Mary and spake: “Say, Mary, actually wouldn’t that be a better name for the Kid than “Irving”?”

  246. Casino LF
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I don’t think I’d get too much flack for firing an employee who was a) taping all our conversations instead of working or b) BLACKMAILING ME, but YMMV, I guess.

  247. Jamus The Bartender
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I’m strangely turned on by panel two. I know it’s wrong, but there you go.

    FW: Harry ought to go on Youtube and search “Flash Gordon” and “Buck Rogers”. There are DOZENS of old movie serials posted there at any given time. Harry would never leave the house.

    MW: Wow. Dr. Jeff is gonna pound the frosting out of Cake Guy, isn’t he? That’s worth staying up to see.

  248. Shrug, Killing Time
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#97):

    “And today is Julian Calendar Boxing Day!”

    ************

    I know this dwarf surrealist sportsman, Englebrecht, who used to box grandfather clocks, so boxing a puny calendar doesn’t much impress me.

  249. Shrug, Getting Graphic
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#138):

    “Or a HIDEBOUND LITERALIST who would not refer to it as an exquisite work of historic art, but as a “comic book”. No! You are unworthy to purchase my merchandise!”

    The HL got off lucky, just being thrown out of the shop. If instead he’d said “funny book,” they’d still be looking for all of the bloody pieces of his scattered flesh.

  250. Shrug, Feeling Sad for the Newly Out of Work Little Weasels
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#84):

    “if he went whole gonzo hog and had TJ sprout wings and dangle Ann over the streets of San Diego”

    ITWTKACITD ?

  251. Baka Gaijin
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Calling “Hey, Magi, the Jiggs is Up!” (#245): Very funny. I’d never heard that story. I hope to remember and pass it on next Christmas season.

  252. Shrug, With a Non-Fishy Grin
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    MW: Josh’s recap — “It turns out the new beau hated seafood, which was a huge deal-breaker” — made me happier than ever that I hate seafood. Not only do I not have to eat it, but I also now don’t have to worry about Mary Worth trying to jump my bones.

    9CL: Some have claimed that a man’s greatest fear is that of the vagina dentata. It takes real McEldowney-level skill to depict a “normal” oral dentata that is even more unsettling.

    /// Free bonus: while googling to check my spelling of “dentata” I ran across this t-shirt sales site:

    http://shirt.woot.com/offers/thorax-dentata

    You’re welcome.

  253. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @iFlat 3H (#117): That’s nobody’s business but the Turks’.

  254. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Feeling Sad for the Newly Out of Work Little Weasels (#250):

    ITWTKACITD ?

    Forgive me, senor, but I’m not familiar with that one. Even the Great Gazoogle isn’t really helping.

  255. Alison
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: TJ’s had that tape recorder hidden in his pocket every time he’s used it. I doubt the recordings would be clear enough to make out something as specific as “My name is Ann Eiffel and I con people” or whatever. Unless we are supposed to believe that Ann just yells everything she says at top volume, for no reason at all. That’s probably it, considering the way this strip goes.

    “Mary Worth”: Not liking seafood is a deal-breaker for Mary, eh? I hate seafood. I feel very relieved now.

  256. Shrug, With Secret Decoder Ring
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#254):

    ITWTKACITD? = “Is That What The Kids Are Calling It These Days?”

    (I forgot the question mark in my previous post. I’ll try to be more punctual next time.)

  257. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#216):

    JP – I don’t understand why the filthy rich Parkers still wash dishes by hand. Don’t they have a dishwasher? Or a maid?

    Or the budget to buy new dishes for each meal?

  258. Alfred E. Neuman
    January 8th, 2013 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    Tomorrow’s Luann, today!:

    Evans renames the strip “Infinite Loop”.

  259. Shrug, Speaker to Adverts
    January 8th, 2013 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    The current ad at the top of the CC page is displaying to me a picture with an offer to “Meet Pretty Thai Girl.”

    However, only the top half of the female person is displayed, so I have no idea how pretty her thai actually is, or for that matter which of them is the pretty one. (I do wonder a bit about what may be wrong with the other one; maybe a shark bit her before Mark Trail could save her?)

    In any case, that would not be a hindrance if she decided to apply for a job in APARTMENT 3G. Especially if she’s willing to work blue.

  260. Dennis Jimenez
    January 8th, 2013 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS – I’m confused by the perspective on the door – or have the leather thong hinges just given out? I mean, those leather thongs are probably pretty worn by the time Loosie gives ‘em over to use as door hinges anyway…..

    A3G – I’d have expected this guy to come with a discreet roll-down brown paper bag over his jug….

    MW – Cake is code for what? Pool party means Roman Bacchanal, which in Charterstone terms is a party after 3:45 pm – I’m mean so hot you’re willing to skip the early-bird at the Bum Boat….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  261. Calico
    January 8th, 2013 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Speaker to Adverts (#259):
    I have “Parker Interstellar Travels.” Hmmm.
    As I posted on one of Josh’s FB pages yesterday, I also received a Pat Robertson DVD offer on CC home page. (Brrrr, no thanks)
    This is most likely because I am getting back into appreciating the band Kansas and I recently watched a 700 Club clip of 2 of the band members/founders, who became Christian during their musical journey.

  262. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#261):

    Did that Journey lead to them being kicked out of the band? And did one of them then turn to the other and say: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!”

  263. demoncat
    January 8th, 2013 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    mw. it is a he jeff. and we are going to not only make a cake but face it jeff its over with as jeff starts plotting how to keep from losing mary before he rams the car and kills himself or them both.

  264. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth

    Still of the belief that this storyline –a term I use loosely–will end in MUUUUUUuuuuRRRRRRRrrrder.

    At first I thought it would be John Dill(inger) whacking someone…like, say, Wilbur.

    But, now this Jeff character has got me to thinking, he might have a showdown with John Dill(inger). Or, perhaps I should point out that in panel two, Jeff looks like he is maniacally plotting Cake Revenge ™.

    Of course, there is the chance that he is very shocked that a guy made that cake. The very thought that a dude made that cake apparently is so traumatic that his dentures have dropped in his mouth and now he’s furious!

    The very thought that a guy made the cake that he fantasized Mary jumping out of while she was busybodying herself and not getting busy with his body made him act in haste and…and…

    now Jeff is just mad. Pipin’ hot, denture-dropping mad!

    The very thought that his very thoughts were teased by the handiwork of a….gasp!…sputter!…splorch!…Man is driving him to the point where he only has one option left, after he makes a right at the next light.

  265. Aviatrix
    January 8th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#161): I read it starting from the splash screen back in October, which I assume is where the whole arc begins. The fat yellow guy is a djinn who lives on a plutonian shore from whence he is summoned through a wormhole by anyone in possession of a magical vessel, including the occasional pop can. Exposition mermaid is his friend. The woman with the sword is a video game character whom the troll with the bad teeth somehow manifested through his computer screen at about the same time as he summoned the male djinn. The female djinn is a faerie who was reassigned as a replacement when swordgal hacked up the male djinn. Seeing as the male djinn instantly reconstituted, a replacement djinn was not essential, but the female/male ratio needs to remain above one. Swordgal then hacked up the troll, but the djinn seems about to grant him what he assumes would be his first wish: to not have been hacked into tiny pieces. Meanwhile mermaid and replacement djinn are getting it on on the plutonium shore. I think. It’s hard to see exactly on an iPhone.

    So far my favourite bit is that the possessive form referring to It, land of the plutonian shore, is Its, without the apostrophe. The mermaid’s breasts don’t seem buoyant enough, though. When she’s up to her cleavage in seawater, her breasts should float higher than they do.

  266. Ratiocinator
    January 8th, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255):

    I like seafood. Suddenly I feel frightened!

  267. Zerowolf
    January 8th, 2013 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    GT: Basket-cases playing basketball. Good times, good times.

  268. seismic-2
    January 8th, 2013 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    MW: Give it up, Dr. Jeff. No matter how many dinners you buy at the Bum Boat, you’re always going back to your apartment alone. Your only hope is to enter the Santa Royale Cake Decorate-Downs in competition with Mary and Mr. Dill and then offer to drop out if Mary will give in to you. She won’t do it, of course, but maybe she will at least let you lick her spoon.

  269. Zerowolf
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    FC: Mommy, Billy is committing heresy by wanting to be a King and we know there is only one King, Jesus, in this Kompound. Can we burn him at the stake?

  270. Zerowolf
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    FW: Look, I found some vintage Playboys. I feel a happy dance coming on.

  271. Poteet
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    BG & SS — My first assumption was that the Smif Fambly men were going to get so blind drunk on moonshine likker that the medical supplies would be needed after they fell off roofs, walked into trees, stumbled into bear dens and tried to molest, er, hug the bears, tumbled off mountain cliffs, etc.

  272. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#211):

    Nice “Keeping Up Appearances” reference in your “Funky Winkerbean” comment.

  273. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    As Mark walked to the boat with the money that she had hoped would give her and her small child a new life, he turned and said, not so much to Ava but more just in her general direction, “Good-bye again, and good luck!” Making love to him was like making love to a washing machine, she told her friends, and his goodbye was as impersonal and emotionally detached as everything else about him. Still, she thought, he was a rich Americano and little Carlo could have used a father, especially a rich one. She sighed as she realized that Otto would visit her tonight, after the village and Carlo were sleeping. Perhaps his shark-bitten leg will make him more gentle, she thought, more in hope than in expectation.
    That night, however, Otto did not come. Juan had slit his throat as he lay sleeping, stupid in his overconfidence. Juan’s woman was Ava’s chubby cousin, so in the end Mark did make her life better after all.

  274. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#235):

    If it is TJ will only be able to give Ann a small weenie and he won’t be able to make it larger.

  275. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#262): Now we’re Foreigners! In Boston! Oh, Toto, I shall have to rename you Poco when we get to Chicago!

  276. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#271):

    There’s a scene in The Simpson’s where Homer’s relatives show up at the family’s house. They are divided up by gender. All of the women are smart, professionals who are quite accomplished. All of the men stand around in a circle and allowed two at a time to head butt each other. No booze involved, just animal like behavior to determine the Alpha Dufus who could last the longest in a contest.

    When I read the Snuffy Smif strip from the past two days, it is hard to not think of that.

  277. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255):

    Luann: If TJ does have that phone with him everywhere he goes then I would love it if he is playing the recordings for corporate and they get to the part where masturbates to thoughts of Ann.

  278. Liam
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    MW-Jeff is just jealous that Dill might get a chance to eat Mary’s pie while he is constantly denied.

  279. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#276): Actually, there hasn’t been any booze in Hootin’ Holler in well more than a decade. Snuffy Smith very publicly gave up moonshining some time after John Rose took over from Fred Lasswell. This was noted in newspapers at the time, in the news, not the comics section. In perhaps the most successful instance of alcohol Prohibition in history, not only does Snuffy himself not manufacture or drink the stuff, apparently no one else in the valley does either. At least, it is not shown or mentioned in the strip. So Smith’s violent kin will be bashing each other out of shear cussedness, without even the excuse, or consolation, of being liquored up.

  280. MWDG
    January 8th, 2013 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    MW: God, I know I speak for most readers when I say with all my heard (please GOD FORGIVE ME!) I wish Jeff would go all Chris Brown on Mary (his Rihanna.) Send that old hag to the hospital where she belongs!

  281. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    JP: “Even though April insisted on a small wedding, and I didn’t bother to consult her about the change of plans, I’m sure she’ll understand, as soon as I explain to her that if someone in my family wants something, it will be made so, and if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll let it happen!” Randy laughed, a dry, humorless, and smug cough that echoed off the tiles in the enormous kitchen.

  282. Brownsfan
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    MW: You wouldn’t think Dr. Jeff would be jealous of a cake- maker who is obviously gay.

  283. seismic-2
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#279): I say, bring back the white lightnin’ to Hootin’ Holler!!! Mighty, mighty pleasin’, Pappy’s corn squeezin’s! Snuffy Smith without moonshining is like Judge Parker without pot farming. Or perhaps more aptly, Snuffy Smith without the moonshine is like Judge Parker without the jugs.

  284. Midtown
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#279): Let’s hope they haven’t switched to meth (hillbilly heroin) production.

  285. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#279):

    That is indeed what seems likely to occur.

    If they don’t inflict harm on each other then the only other option is to tear up the county, like a mob, or to take on big critters, like fools.

    Whatever is scheduled to happen hopefully will happen. Isn’t it rare for them to have a non-Barney Google running joke? This is the second day in a row this event was mentioned. Snuffy Smif don’t usually get no one’s hope up nor does he build anticipation. I reckon.

  286. Sequitur
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#279): Oh, come on, now. Those hillbillies are still the biggest booze hounds around. They’re just doing their drinkin’ off panel. You don’t think all that tongue lollin’ comes from being sober, do you?

  287. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    Going by the GoComics response forum, “Luann’s” actual target group consists of middle aged people whose standard response to criticism of Greg Evans is to ask why the critic reads the strip if he doesn’t like it.

  288. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#279): Yes, they will be cutting each other’s hair out of shear cussedness, and fustigating each out of sheer cussedness. That’s just the way they roll.

  289. bats :[
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    If you’ve never thought of coming to the Tucson Festival of Books before, I have two words for you: Stephan Pastis.

  290. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @MWDG (#280): Um, yeah. Not funny.

  291. Peanut Gallery
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#288): I was just about to say… “Shear Cussedness” is the name of Hootin’ Holler’s only beauty salon.

  292. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#291): That’s pretty good… you should send Ms. Shulock a note. Maybe they’ll credit you, a la Pluggers.

  293. Uncle Lumpy
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#287):

    … standard response to criticism of Greg Evans is to ask why the critic reads the strip if he doesn’t like it.

    Silly target group — they read it because they don’t like it!

  294. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    MT So. Where’s the monkey?

    Crankedtits Is it really that difficult?

    FW Didn’t we cover this yesterday?

    MW “The Assistant.” A tale of betrayal, anguish, and transformation in the rough-and-tumble world of competitive cake design.

  295. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    This is relevant to the discussion, I believe.

    (To the purists: yeah, I know it’s not George Jones, but IMNSHO this is the coolest version. Deal, haters.)

  296. Peanut Gallery
    January 8th, 2013 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#283): Their new favorite beverage is Mistopher Pibb.

  297. Peanut Gallery
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#292): Thanks, but what are the chances when they’re not even crediting Shulock!

  298. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

  299. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#287): And because poking the bear (non-ironic fans) with a stick is sometimes fun.

    //But I try to not be too horrible about it. They’re non-ironic fans of Luann. That’s punishment enough.

  300. Poteet
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#276): Hmmm. I recently skimmed a long piece on gender educational and occupational trends in the U.S. that makes it hard not to think of that…

  301. Aviatrix
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    SM: Who says this comic isn’t funny? An elephant just farted in Spider-Man’s face.

    BC: That’s not prefab. It’s rebar, laboriously assembled in situ.

    Phantom: I’s say that DePaul was inspired by a drunk friend, but Ghost-Who-Helps-Lionesses-Walk-It-Off has been at since November. Who gets that drunk at Thanksgiving?

    Crankshaft: If my romantic partner gave me a sports bra for Christmas I would stare at it and then them, wondering … they’re implying I don’t work out enough? they think my boobs need to be flatter against my chest and less bouncy? they thinks a sports bra constitutes lingerie? There is a weak joke somewhere about the difficulty of putting on a sports bra when you’re out of shape, but this cartoon has not found it.

  302. Shrug, Being Bloody-Minded
    January 8th, 2013 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS/Phantom crossover:

    “Smif Family Reunion” = “Smif Menfolk Fighting Pits Bloody Deathmatch Action.”

    (In the Band-Aid tongue.)

  303. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#300):
    What you read probably shouldn’t surprise me.

    In the show, the context, the plot was Lisa Simpson latched onto the idea that as she aged* she would become dumber, like Bart and her Dad. Maybe the set up was the Homer once had promise and was a sharp cookie before something happened.

    That’s when Homer set out to prove that the gene pool had a shallow end and a deep end. Hence, the dozens of dumber Homers and the dozens of somewhat individual-looking female family members.

  304. tallyHO
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy Smif I’m guessing, that despite the respite from decade-long absence of moonshining activities in Hootin’ Holler, Weezy has spent the past two days setting up a Sour M*A*S*H Whiskey unit.

  305. commodorejohn
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    Note to self: if confronted by an angry Margo, appease with scotch. Got it.

  306. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, With Secret Decoder Ring (#256): Ah yes, I figured it out on the way home. Might have done so earlier, but I was using a library computer and sitting next to two particularly spazzy middle school gamers, which was both amusing and distracting. I still find it strange that there doesn’t seem to be a translation of that one anywhere on the intertubes, not even on the always eager if factually shaky Urban Dictionary.

  307. Aviatrix
    January 8th, 2013 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#306): As humans, we go from being the kids who generate slang, to grownups who are well versed in current netspeak, to people who at least know how to look this stuff up. But what happens when only old people Google to find out what things mean? What will I do when Know Your Meme is a laughable old people website? I’ll be like my mother trying to use Webster’s Collegiate to figure out what YOLO means.

  308. Sequitur
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#307): Hey, you kids! Get off my Meme!

  309. Mr. O’Malley
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#307): Then it’s time to start grumbling that the memes we had back in our day were much richer and more deeply significant than these fly-by-night memes that the youngsters are satisfied with today. You call that a meme? I don’t know how you tell one from another!

  310. Sequitur
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    Tits McFritz got a kiss better than Margo’s.

  311. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 8th, 2013 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    The memes of ’72 were the best.

  312. Sequitur
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:01 am [Reply]

    It’s time to make the donuts. No, it’s time to make the Ripley’s!

    Vijender Shekhawat, of Jaijur, India, processes raw elephant dung into greeting cards!

    I do believe Spider-Man is about to get a card.

  313. Aviatrix
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#309): It will be funny when the kids rediscover our old memes. Of course by then My Little Pony will only be most familiar to people under thirty as a porn site, and 2 Girls 1 Cup will be a popular cookbook, a sequel to Lemon Party.

  314. Aviatrix
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#313): P.S. If you are unfamiliar with the memes in the above comment, please do not google them. Especially not My Little Pony.

  315. Anonymous
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#311):

    memeries light the corner of my mind

  316. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#313): I’m just going to leave this here. (If brave or foolish to watch at work, use headphones/earbuds.)

  317. Aviatrix
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#316): I’m not crazy enough to click on a response to the references in my last comment.

  318. Poteet
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#303): Interesting. What I skimmed was a cheery analytical piece that said young women increasingly face a choice between deadbeats and playboys. So no worries that you’ll become dumber as you age, Lisa — it’s just that if you want to get married, you may have to choose among Homers and Barts.

  319. Droopy Says
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Here’s one mystery solved: “Khyber” is Punjabi for “Cream Puff.”

    Skunkboy & Postal: Look out kids! He’s right behind you!

    Mock Travail: That’s one classy eatery, serving your drinks in those fancy new pop-top cans. But what better way to celebrate the safe return of that money to the insurer’s bank?

    Phantom: Kit, they do grow up, at which point you need to let go and allow them to lead their own lives..

    Mock Travail: Next up, Trail wonders why Bill Ellis has sent him a letter that begins “Dear Contributor.”

    Family Circus: What happened to the neighborhood? Did Snowmageddon smite the unrighteous? So much for that hymn about “the fire next time.”

  320. Ralph
    January 9th, 2013 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts! (#192): I thought about that line as I was writing it, and in truth there are many many painfully lame strips. It just happens that MW and MT are continually featured here. They’re so bad I’m embarassed that I waste my time criticizing them.

  321. Poteet
    January 9th, 2013 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — I’ll be interested to see if this event is handled with any kind of realism.

    http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml11/11181.html

  322. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 9th, 2013 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#299): And because poking the bear (non-ironic fans) with a stick is sometimes fun.

    ♫ Dumb ways to die…

  323. Victory Garden
    January 9th, 2013 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    Luann kissing her iPad with Retina Display was more sensuous than this smooch.

  324. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 9th, 2013 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#317): There are times when I’m glad my eyesight is so poor. The moments when I succumb to an ill-considered urge to click on a link I know I will regret are among them.

  325. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 9th, 2013 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#322): I’d scold you for sticking that song back in my head, but I like it too much to complaint greatly about it.

    //Plus it forms an interesting counter-point to “The Pirate King” song (from The Pirates of Penzance) which is what had been my current earworm.

  326. Mr. O’Malley
    January 9th, 2013 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#322): Aye, remember what happened to young Albert and that great big lion named Wallace, whose nose were all covered in scars.

  327. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 9th, 2013 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    MW: His balls, Jeff realized, weren’t coming back.

    Pibgorn: The troll is disgusting because he just wants to torture the woman. When she kills him (again) her punishment seems to be getting pierced by three swords. I think that Brooke sees the distinction in the fact that he creates the women he tortures.

    9CL: And the other side. Even though the joke is poor, and the characters unsympathetic (The man is Brooke, right?) I like that Byron is quoted.

  328. Dale
    January 9th, 2013 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    Would MARK TRAIL be less painful to read if it were presented a week at a time rather than oozing out?
    Would it make a good civics course for a home-schooler?

    Write your story, Mark. Be sure to mention the name of the insurance company.
    You have no proof of anything. Work up some grainy film clips.

  329. Mibbitmaker
    January 9th, 2013 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    Luann: ….Wait, WHAT…..?!

  330. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 9th, 2013 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#325):
    ♪ For I am a Pirate King!
    (Hurrah for the Pirate King!)
    And it is, it is, a glorious thing
    To be a Pirate King! ♫

    // Touché. Your revenge is very effective.

  331. Little A.
    January 9th, 2013 at 6:18 am [Reply]

    A3G: Looks like The Professor got a new set of dentures for Christmas. And with that shit-eaten’ grin, he could be TJ’s natural father.

  332. gleeb
    January 9th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    3-J: I think he’s going to ask Margo to share Greg.

    ‘bean: Has Batiuk, stung by critics, determined to make his strip as dull as possible, hoping they’ll move on?

    Curtis: So, without land and water, where did these people live before?

    Parkers: Oh, you remembered you have a job? So much for the right to a speedy trial in Parker-Land.

    Mary: This is it. If he can pawn off Mary onto this cake guy, he can go back to his beloved charity work abroad.

  333. hogenmogen
    January 9th, 2013 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    Betty is a little obscure, but I’m loving it this week. She’s in one of those seminars dreamed up by hacks who like to categorize the entire human population into 4 quadrants, assigned by a short series of ambiguous questions.

    I’ve gained the experience to see clear through where the instructor is leading the group. So, when I’m trapped in yet another one of those pop-psych sessions, I like to answer the questions to put myself at the dead center of the 4 quadrant chart just to undermine the point of the so-called lesson.

  334. hogenmogen
    January 9th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Ann Eiffel’s evil plot to seduce TJ will obviously fail because Teej is gayer than a Judy Garland film festival.

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