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Comics prudery whiplash

Momma, 1/11/13

Francis broke this copying machine with his ass, right? Like, he was making photocopies of his ass, and then he broke the copy machine, with his ass? Look, he’s even tenderly resting his hands on his ass-injury! This is how people break copy machines in jokes, and yet the neo-Victorians who run the comics pages refuse to let us laugh at the image of Francis panicking as his naked ass shatters the glass on the office copy machine.

Mary Worth, 1/11/13

And yet they print depraved sexual filth like this in the newspapers where the children can see! Won’t somebody think of the children, for once?

283 responses to “Comics prudery whiplash”

  1. CowKing
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    MW- Ah I was hopping this whole cake thing was going to be a jealousy story, argh this must mean that the story is really truly about cake.

  2. KreatureFeatures
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    MT: Just hand the phone over to Mark, Cherry. Bill the Editor is a busy man.

  3. Chareth Cutestory
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: EW EW EW, their couples code word for sex is “cocoa!” Actually… I wonder how they landed on that one… EW EW EWWWWWW!

  4. Ratiocinator
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    RMMD: “And now I’m considering shooting you, as you may have guessed from me pointing this gun in your direction.”

    Luann: His smirk’s back, but now it’s an ANGRY smirk! That’s how we can tell that shit just got real.

    9CL: I’m not even reading past the first line before writing my comment here. “I’m smitten with another thought about you.” Really? That’s the line you want to go with, Brooke? That’s something that you think somebody–even a pretentious somebody–would actually ever say?

    A little while ago I said that the way people talked in this strip didn’t bug me, but now it’s starting to.

    And now that I’ve read the rest, um, yes Brooke, yes, back in the Renaissance everybody was just madly in love with rats, and absolutely wasn’t the least bit terrified of suffering a slow, agonizing death due to catching a disease from one. Nope, not at all.

    Garfield: This one actually made me laugh.

  5. pugfuggly
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Momma Hey, if I had an ass that could magically conjure chairs I’d be taking photocopies of it too!

    MW Hate to bring it up again, but it’s not night anymore! You spent the entire night and the early part of the next morning driving around talking about cakes and the people who make them. That warm feeling you’re experiencing isn’t love, it’s lightheadedness from lack of sleep!

  6. lorne
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    “Cocoa means sex, Jeff. You know that, right? I was asking you to come in for sex. Now do you want to come in for SOME COCOA!”

  7. Nekrotzar
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Love is … downright palatable compared to today’s nauseating Mary Worth.

  8. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Pibgr0n: *dodge*

    A&J: Arlo, you dog you. *chuckles*

    GF: *hears the fanboi screams*

    Lio: just WIN. with art.

    SBp: a day late for Dog Pee Thursday, but a better “gag” than Tinklr.

    Zits: service with a smile. (hey, Evans, THAT’S how you do a kiss!)

    Bizarro: /facepalm.

    DT: holy snickers, it’s a DT/JP cross-over?!?!?

    OBH: good one, James. well done. :-D

    Ghost-who-serves-softballs-for-bats:[ floats one over the plate.

    SFx: guest-artist, age 8, sbtRA, tipswaitressveal.

  9. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    RMMD:
    Final Exam: Chekov 101

    Premise: In Thursday’s Rex Morgan, MD, June discovers a loaded gun. On Friday, she is told “Oh, that. Sorry. I meant to put it away. Nevermind. I was going to kill myself, but I changed my mind.”

    Question 1: Using Chekov’s Law of the Gun, explain how this fails as drama.

    Answer: The sequence is the equivalent of the scene in a horror movie where the heroine is startled by a sudden noise, then relieved to see that it is just a cat jumping onto the furniture. There is no suspense, no dramatic tension, just a “boo!” moment that is instantly resolved before there is even the opportunity to consider the implications. The gun is simply a red herring and plays no role in the plot.

    Question 2: How could a competent author have re-written the scene?

    Answer: June enters the room. Stripper #1 is sitting in a chair with a loaded gun in her hand. She slowly raises it and waves it around the room. June: “If you want to shoot me, you are going to have to hold your hand steadier.” Stripper: “You aren’t at risk. Even with my hands shaking as they are, I can still hit my own skull with this.”
    June proceeds to talk Stripper out of the suicide attempt. Then, she falls out of the window. The scene is caught on camera by a gang of voyeurs in a hot-air balloon, who live stream it to an audience of millions. June writes a book about the experience while on the way down. By the time she lands in the pool, the book is a best seller.

  10. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .hitting just the right spot.

  11. Beetle Bumstead
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#3): The use of “cocoa” as a code word in MW was indirectly discovered by Josh metapost back in 2009 linked to this mashup.

  12. Spunde
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Momma: The real joke is in panel 1, right? Two question marks and an exclamation point in response to the news (shouted from the front stoop, apparently) that the habitually out-of-work Francis was fired.

  13. Hibbleton
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    MT: Doc appears to be speaking angrily to Andy telepathically. “Dumb. shit..using. a.. coffee carafe. as. a.. wine decanter”

    (that coffee appears red to me but I’m partly colorblind so it may not be and you’re thinking wtf is he on about).

  14. Comrade Denny
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    MW: “I’M A LUCKY GUY!” Jeff screamed as he squeezed Mary close. “A LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY GUY!!!” Before he knew what was really happening, he felt her cervical vertebrae sliding and finally snapping under his beefy arms’ embrace. She went slack and heavy, like a wet sack of rice. Then he felt the hot salty, sticky tears slick on his cheeks and chin, stinging the deep rents Mary had clawed in his face. He hadn’t even been aware of her fighting, or his own crying.

  15. Mumblix Grumph
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    MW: Cake decorating contest…cocoa…fund raising for charity…safe hugs…saying “You’re a good person, I’m a lucky guy. No, Jeff, I’m the lucky one.”

    What the hell is this…an LDS production?

  16. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-”An old woman taught me that. She just appeared magically one day saying that she heard I fell out of love. She spent all the time talking in platitudes about how I should be in love.”

    A3G-”I can’t write things on you or rub my penis on you if you’re awake.”

    FW-”We’re just kids. Why are you showing us a grown man dancing naked?”

    JP-The worst thing that will happen to them is being seated next to a balding fat man who is obsessed with sandwiches and his sullen depressed teenage(?) daughter.

    JP 2-”And they’re is always a buffet line.”

    MT-Trip? What trip? As soon as Mark was kidnapped I came right over here to console you. Sometimes you were so inconsolable that I had to console you several times. Wait a minute? Mark’s there right now isn’t he?

    MW-”Because I have you wrapped around my little finger.”

    Luann-TJ wants to see you dead and buried in a shallow grave.

  17. Tom D.
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Does Dr. Jeff sell Mary Kay? He is driving a pink car after all.

  18. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    FW: Any guesses as to what ‘scars’? Lobotomy? Vasectomy?
    Zits: so when did McEldowney take over this strip?

  19. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Note to Moy and Giella: the person in the foreground should be larger than the person in the background.

  20. Mibbitmaker
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    MW, next few panels:
    “WAITAMINNIT! WE’RE STILL DRIVING!!!”
    “OMIGODWHAT’VEWEDONE?!!!”
    “AAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHH…”

    Cut to: old panel of Aldo going off the improbable cliff.

    Speech balloon from car: “Oh, no.”

    Cut to: words on the screen from the conclusion of the Popeye cartoon “Happy Birthdaze”…

    Words: THE BITTER END

    Voice-over: “Toonces, the cat that can drive a car!”

  21. pugfuggly
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    A3G Ooops, I’m starting to feel my inner-RA coming out. Margo! Passing out and forgetting things is not being ‘tipsy’, it’s a sip away from alcohol poisoning! Here, take this pamphlet….

    ASM Wow, a villain gives up his evil ways for love! Pretty amazing, especially considering Petey would probably give up MJ for a slightly bigger TV and a family pack of Doritos.

    FW “It’s ok, boys, just watch the dance. Soon you’ll start to feel a numbing sensation, and you eyelids will droop a little, like mine. After it’s all done, you’ll notice that you won’t be able to feel love anymore, but you won’t feel pain either, and that’s not such a bad thing…”

    MT It’s pretty clear from the exchanged glances that Doc and Andy know Mark’s story is more of a metaphor. Only poor Cherry doesn’t read between the lines of his fantastic tale of buff, mustachioed latinos and how Mark defeated them with his enormous rod.

  22. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#16): A3G-”I can’t write things on you or rub my penis on you if you’re awake.”

    Margo: “Greg, Greg … you don’t know me at all, do you? Although I hope that isn’t just the Sharpie in your pocket that I feel pressing against my thigh.

  23. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    corgi haz a point.

    There are very few things cuter than a Golden Retriever puppy. *brainmush*

    Poteet started young.

    An otter in a boot. your argument is invalid.

    Proud corgi mom. (3 day old pups!)

    A corgi/Tibetan Mastiff mix. just. HOW?!?

  24. Mibbitmaker
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    MW: Just call them “Team Cocoa”.

    MT: “Nevermind that, I have a new dopey storyline to distract Mark from your home and personal lives! Get your hubby — NOW!”

    ZtP: Don’t let Brooke McEldowney read this — it’ll blow his overstuffed mind!

    FW: The kids are actually reacting to that wretched, awful pun.

  25. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    @Tom D. (#17): Does Dr. Jeff sell Mary Kay? He is driving a pink car after all.

    Mary Kay, my ass. Studmuffin Jeff drives a “Hello Kitty” car:

    http://www.goldenrider.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Pink-Cars-for-Valentine-Day-12.jpg

  26. Darryl Heine
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Regarding Momma – At least Francis doesn’t have a tyrant boss a la Mr. Dithers from the Blondie comic strip.

  27. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    Momma: Francis is crying, sweating and singing in that first panel. Look, kid, if you go all Les Miz over losing a job at the local Kinko’s, there isn’t much hope for you.

    Gil Thorp: I know I’m of the age where I’m confused by the kids today with their slang and all, but I’m not so old I don’t know what “peacock” is a euphemism for. Get a room, hippies!

  28. Alter Ego
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    love is… can’t even find her G-spot with a map.

  29. Dennis Jimenez
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MW – Fund Raising E-Mails = On-Line Buff Gay Boys In Bondage
    You’re a great person – I’m a lucky guy = You’re a great beard – my secret’s safe
    I’m the Lucky One = It’s been great that no one has wanted any of that filty sex stuff from me since I poisoned, er, um – since Jack Worth my beloved husband passed away so unexpectedly

    Fun Fact – Strong coco perfectly covers the tell-tale taste of cyanide!

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  30. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-And does this peacock tell you to start fires or is that just leprechauns?

  31. Old Folkie
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth: Now we know where the Blue People’s kids from A3G go to school…

  32. SideshowJon
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    I like how the color monkeys decided that Dr. Jeff is so insecure about himself that he has to bleach his hair. Fair assessment, color monkeys.

  33. Ratiocinator
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Jumble: Translation of the sign:

    We are legally obligated to inform you that our fish is highly addictive and that after your first taste of it you will, in all likelihood, spend every last penny of your life savings buying more of it. By transacting business with us after viewing this sign, you hereby absolve us of all liability re. the destruction of your life as you transform into a fish-obsessed shell of your former self.

    Thank you,
    The management

  34. Cleve Barrister
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    MW- Mary has a maid named “Cocoa”?

  35. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-I know a place where they would love to hear all about your peacock. It’s called the mental hospital.

  36. Horace Broon
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo is so drunk she needs walked across the hall.

    ASM: “Because when he remembers, Stan writes me as a Noble Villain, which means I do whatever crap’s necessary for the story!”

    BB: “I need to compulsively overeat to bury my real feelings about the fact I’m on a date with you and not Beetle!”

    Crank: I’m forced to admit a) that it took me a second to work out what was wrong with “three o twelve” and b) that when I did I very nearly laughed. I’m so ashamed.

    MT: “I mean, none of them were particularly opposed to the kidnapping, but gosh, they were nice about it!”

    Pluggers: Pluggers take wry observations of universal experiences that stopped being funny on their own decades ago, and claim they only happen to Pluggers.

  37. Voshkod
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Jeff’s got some serious reverse aging going on in panel two. This went from a December-December romance to a December-late July romance. Normally I’d expect someone embracing Mary Worth to age suddenly.

    Is Mary Worth the fountain of youth?

  38. Dennis Jimenez
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @Cleve Barrister (#34): I think she’s single and of Swiss extraction….

  39. terrapin
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#14):You need to write that novel! I’d read it.

  40. Ratiocinator
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Cleve Barrister (#34): Actually, she roleplays a maid named Cocoa.

  41. Lawyerbob
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m really surprised–that “cocoa” line used to work for me all the time. Though it appears that “I have some fundraising emails to take care of” is the 21st century version of “I have to wash my hair.”

  42. Doctor Handsome
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    It really takes a Francis-level failure to get fired from an office that lets you wear sandals. In January.

  43. Calico
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#14):
    Ew, but awesome.

  44. Greg
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    MW: Do you think the steering wheel in the second panel will slice off Jeff’s balls? Just asking. Hoping.

  45. Calico
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#25):
    Mary likes some backdoor action, as narrated by Mr. Springsteen in the song “Pink Cadillac.”

  46. Doctor Handsome
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    When your boyfriend turns down sex with you in favor of “fundraising e-mails,” you can officially stop calling yourself the lucky one.

  47. Getafix
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Uh, what is June wearing in panel 1? A hoodie and her bikini bottom??

  48. Lurker Bob
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    A3G: Today is January 11 and the drunken Christmas party is winding down. Ari in his Santa Claus suit has stumbled into the night and a passed-out Margo is being rousted for a walk across the hall to home. Next stop: Rehab! But, I want to party with these guys first.

    Of course, Jimmy the weasel has been hiding in Margo’s closet for the last week. I wonder how he is holding up?

  49. Rusty
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Momma: The copier scene isn’t depicted due to Lazarus’s limitations as a draftsman. He can “draw” 4 characters, chairs and hats.

  50. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Greg (#44): I think you wanted to write that in the past tense.

  51. Comrade Denny
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @terrapin (#39):Do you see that as the ending — or the opening?

  52. TheDiva
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    MW: E-mails? That ranks right up there with “washing my hair” and “sorting my socks” on the list of “I don’t want to spend another minute in your company and will look for any excuse to get out of it” excuses…

  53. Mardou Fox
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary feels so LUCKY that Jeff doesn’t want any cocoa tonight. That says it all. Once Jeff leaves, Mary’s going to cut herself a nice big slice of CAKE.

  54. Calico
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Getafix (#47):
    Just like Mr. Mystery box Evan in 3G. His hoodie and thong are only half the surprise for Margo.

  55. Calico
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#53):
    With lots of gooey vanilla frosting.
    There, I just officially disgusted myself for the rest of the weekmonthyear.

  56. Digger
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Sorry, folks, but when Mary Worth says “cocoa” she doesn’t mean sex. She of course means a drab, tepid, beige beverage which tastes nothing like cocoa.

  57. brendancalling
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Dr. Jeff is actually still filled with barely suppressed rage. He will enter the cake decorating contest himself, determined to humiliate both Mary and John Dill. But, because he is a doctor and not a retired hotel manager with dreams of being a cake decorator, the cake will prove to be a hilarious disaster, decorated with used syringes, biowaste, discarded clumps of leftover hospital food, and tonsils tonsils tonsils, everywhere.

  58. Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Luann: “You spent several months of your life just to force the manager of a fast food franchise to quit her job? Even I think that’s petty!” -Inspector Javert

  59. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Alley Oop: Judging by the look on his face, that T-Rex has already found his own blend of herbs and spices, if you know what I mean.

    The Amazing Spider-Man: So far, we’ve learned any that pretty much any old supervillain can defeat Spider-Man, but in the end, they’ll be brought low by the power of love or laughter. Perhaps they should start running this strip in Reader’s Digest?

    Apt. 3-G: Is that the barest hint of nipple I see on Margo in panel one? Smutty smut smut, tsk tsk. Now we’ll segue into the part of the story where all of Margo’s slut friends get killed, but the Ice Queen herself – a virgin – survives. Greg may be the next James Bond, but nobody does a better Jason than Evan. Nobody.

    9 Chickweed Lane: We’ve spent a lot of time around here talking about how we can’t stand the pompous character in this strip. But how they stand one another? And if these characters are – God help us – modeled on Brooke’s friends, how is it that they don’t just fall through the floor with the accumulated mass of their snobbishness?

    Dick Tracy: Oh, never mind me, Toad. Just sharpening some knives over here…

    Frank and Ernest: Today’s pun is truly, gorgeously, awful.[*]

    Judge Parker: And then we’ll get food poisoning!

    Mark Trail: Either US drone strikes wiped out the entire island, or Mark’s getting a bill for his misadventures. Either way, nobody’s taking Rusty fishing.

    Nancy: Yes. Bishops wear turtlenecks. Yes, they do.[*]

    Pibgorn: This is the epitome of everything McEldowney: pervy, pompous, essentially misogynistic, and ultimately failing to achieve penetration. Pibgorn: brought to you by Viagra.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Hmm. Suicidal ideation and a plan for how she’d do it. By all rights, Delores should be on her way to the psych ward. She’s got good trigger discipline, though.

    I know not everyone follows The Heart of Juliet Jones (it’s behind the Daily Ink paywall), but it’s really delightful to see it trending into Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf territory, seven years before the play itself opened. I wonder, did Edward Albee read the funnies?

  60. Broccoli
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    A3-G’s panel one is… wow. Greg’s electric blue jumper somehow merges into Margo’s shirt right where her right arm should be, and instead of that arm, she has a tiny, shrivelled armlet resting limply on the chair while holding some kind of little white ball or something? Man, I’ve spent the past five minutes trying to make sense of it, and I think that’s enough for now :/

  61. Doctor Handsome
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    If not freaking out because you perceive a balding cake decorator as a sexual rival merits an attaboy, your relationship is probably none too solid.

  62. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#14): And then George shoots him for everyone’s good, right?

  63. Calico
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @Lurker Bob (#48):
    Ha, then someone finds a disheveled, still half-drunk Ari in an alleyway near the food pantry, lying in his own sick and with no pants.

  64. TheDiva
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    9CL: Oh for Christ’s….nobody talks like this. Ever. Not even people who use neologisms like “groovy” to describe the Italian Renaissance.

    A3G: …Margo’s just starting to shake off the roofies, isn’t she?

    Curtis: And now that Curtis has gotten his one Kwanzaa book for the year out of the way, it’s back to him being a lazy, illiterate bum. And it’s back to me quietly ignoring his existence.

    FW: I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m pretty sure it’s enough to get Crazy Harry on Megan’s List.

    Luann: Dirty sex behind the dumpster, then?

    Pibgorn: A sneak peak at Brooke’s commentary: “No, the large, focal-point sword planted directly between the scantily clad heroine’s legs is not phallic, damn you pervy beefwits for even suggesting that, and isn’t the multicolored grass neato?”

    SM: *translated from the Bandar tongue

  65. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Luann-Isn’t that sweet. TJ is holding the door open for Ann as he leads her out to the parking lot where he will kill her.

  66. The Drinks Are *Not* on Shrug
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#3):

    “Mary Worth: EW EW EW, their couples code word for sex is “cocoa!” Actually… I wonder how they landed on that one… EW EW EWWWWWW!”

    They picked “cocoa” because their activites involves inserting lots of marshmellows.

    //And it’s definitely not vanilla.

  67. Illustrator Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    MT – I can’t help but wonder just how many times that same COFFEE POURING clip art picture has been used by Jackelrod. The caracter’s face and clothing may occasionally be different but the picture itself is always the same with the pourer shown as rigid as a 1950′s Robbie the Robot and always standing in the exact same spot. It always depicts the person who is waiting for their coffee, (usually Mark) to be holding the coffee cup by the very outer edge of it’s saucer. I also wonder just how many times the actual human being who modeled for this particular clip art must have spilled hot coffee on their legs while trying to balance the weight of the filled coffee cup because Jackelrod told the model to hold the cup’s saucer by the very outer edge while he was drawing the original illustration.

    …Come to think of it, WHEN’S the last time anyone remembers drinking coffee from a fancy tea cup with a saucer? Maybe Cherry has been pouring TEA for Mark and Doc all these years thinking it was coffee!
    Just one more piece of the puzzle to ponder in the vast unkown regions of the Trailverse.

  68. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    MW-And by cocoa she means anal sex. Now try to get that horrible image out of your mind.

  69. Mardou Fox
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    It is pretty racy how Mary slipped her shoulder harness off for that good-night, no-cocoa car cuddle. Gosh, that probably means she doesn’t have her lap belt fastened either. Oooh, my dirty mind is showing!!

  70. Dood
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    “Come in for some cocoa”? So that’s what the seniors are calling it these days.

  71. NoahSnark
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Only in Mary Worth is lucky synonymous with turning down sex. It makes perfect sense, though, once you spend a few minutes imagining her bumping uglies.

  72. Bevis and Webhead
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Spidey: Heh heh. He used “love” and “the jungle’s darkest recesses” in the same sentence. Heh heh.

  73. Irrischano
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    “Fundraising emails”? Well, the impending Mary-Worth’s-new-lover-conducts-Nigerian-prince-scams plotline certain sounds enticing.

  74. Shrug, Giving the Fish Restaurant a Fair Herring
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#33):

    What’s even worse is that Mary Worth will then consider you prime dating material.

  75. Shrug, Who is Not Quite That Old
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#36):

    I think that “three-oh-twelve” joke has been around for a century or so, which is to say since about nineteen-ought-thirteen.

  76. lynn
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#59): I was ashamed to admit that I laughed at Frank and Ernest this morning. (Consorting with Lutheran bishops, padre? Crossing the Tiber?)

  77. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Luann – I suppose today is supposed to be a big, cathartic day, where Evil Ann gets her comeuppance for her crimes.

    “You abused my friends!”

    http://www.gocomics.com/luann/2011/10/28

    “Cheated Customers”

    http://www.gocomics.com/luann/2012/05/07

    “Mistreated a little girl”

    http://www.gocomics.com/luann/2012/04/19

    “And lied to me!”

    http://www.gocomics.com/luann/2011/12/07

    Remind me again who did what to who?

  78. Peanut Gallery
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    love is… that dream where you’re lost in downtown Boston and you have no clothes on, and you find a map but you can’t read it…

  79. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

  80. Jungle Tales of Shrug
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    A3G: Calling The Phantom. If you’re finally finished with that lioness, we’ve got a drunken Margo over here who’s also going to need walking.

  81. Illustrator Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    MT – “THIS is BILL…May I speak to Mark, please?
    “Hello? This is Mark.”
    “MARK! You’ll never guess WHO showed up at my house to pick up and return that duffle bag filled the the ransom money!”
    “Umm, how many guesses can I have, Bill? Let me think now…”
    “SHUT UP, Mark. THIS is SERIOUS!”
    “Okay, Bill…I give up. WHO did you turn that bag of money over to?”
    “It was that old bald headed guy from the island. You remember,the guy who you shared the hut with…I think you called him ‘Pop’. He said the he take care of returning it but since then I’ve had two dozen calls from the insurance company,the bank, the police and the magazine company CEO asking me WHERE their money is! WHAT should I do, Mark”
    “Well, Bill if I were you I’d get myself a damn good lawyer…but since it IS you and not me, my advise would be to NOT contact any lawyers or police or any other type of law authority but to let me take matters into my own hands and fists by conducting my own investigation no matter HOW much evidence I may destroy by poking my nose into things!”
    “Gee, thanks, Mark. I knew you would know what to do!”
    “That’s why you pay me for never publishing any of my stories, Bill!”

  82. Mustang
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    It figures that Francis is that guy who screws around at work all the time in an obnoxious attention-seeking kind of way, rather than a quiet, sophisticated surf- the-internet and comment on blogs kind of way.

  83. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    MW: Jeff has some fundraising emails to take care of. Most of his old marks have wised up to the Nigerian defense minister ruse, so he needs a new angle.

    FW: This is not good. If the implication before was that Crazy Harry would dancing naked with the Flash Gordon collections, with this reaction shot he must have smeared his body with his own feces at this point. These boys will go out and start a Cthulhu cult so that man’s time on this wretched mudball will be over.

    9CL: Open question: If you were Juliette, wouldn’t Elliott’s 24/7 ass-kissing get old after a few days?

    Archie: It’s always a good idea to remind your teacher that you have money in addition to great tits, and therefore don’t need to learn the value of work.

    Popeye: Rivaling Locher-era Dick Tracy for long stretches of waiting for something to happen. Aren’t there any bears around that eat horrible talking babies?

    BC: Peter’s reaction is obvious, but it’s actually pretty funny.

    HtH: Helga waits in vain for the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous.

    H&L: Ah, it’s a pun on… Hi is making a play on that old phrase… Okay, I got nuthin.

    GT: When Mia asks “Has anyone else seen this peacock?” does she say it in a sexy way? I mean, which syllable does she put the accent on?

    DtM: “Yeah well, tough shit, kid.”

    Luann: Assuming that this list of Ann Eiffel’s high crimes is accurate—as a highlight reel would show it not to be—TJ wants her out why again? He doesn’t want to be manager himself? So all of this is about the integrity of faceless chain restaurants?

    SFx: How to draw a lion who just found out that somebody planted a GPS shock device in his wife.

    Marvin: Junior is going to get an exorcist for Marvin? Finally someone thought of it.

    A3G: It’s always awkward when you’ve broken into your girlfriend’s flat and hidden in her closet and she comes in drunk in the arms of another guy. Especially when you’re in the process of relieving yourself. So I’ve heard, anyway.

  84. Confidential Business Proposal
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Dear Irrischano:

    Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Santa Royale Chambers Of Commerce And Industry, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer the sum of $47.50 (forty seven United States dollars and fifty United States ‘cents’) into your accounts. The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract, executed, commissioned and paid for about five years (5) ago by a foreign contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the fund has been in a suspense account at The First National Central Bank Of Santa Royale Apex Bank Charterstone Branch Bank.

    We are now ready to transfer the fund overseas and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as civil servants, we are forbidden to operate a foreign account; that is why we require your assistance. The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25% for you and 5% for local and international expenses incidental to the transfer.

    The transfer is risk free on both sides. I am an Director Emeritus with the Charterstone Realty Oversight Organization Klan (CROOK). If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:

    (a) your banker’s name, telephone, account, Social Security, and fax numbers.

    (b) your private telephone and fax numbers —for confidentiality and easy communication.

    (c) your letter-headed paper stamped and signed

    (d) the names, locations and contact info of your spouse(s) and children(s)

    (e) original birth certificate with raised stamp

    Please reply urgently.

    Best regards

    Sir Dr. Aldo Kelrast, OTO, A?A?

  85. mojo
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Momma: In the spirit of this newfangled “recycling” thingie all the kiddies are talking about, we have cunningly used the photocopy of Francis’ ass as our halftone screen to represent the color “gray”.

    MW: Meanwhile, on a very special Mary Worth, Dr. Jeff gets a sudden hankerin’ to take an Italian cruise.

  86. Meddle Head
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    9CL- This is a PSA for IPS (Impotent Phone Sex). That Brooke has them in the same room makes it “poignant”.

  87. UncleJeff
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    MW: Now, now Curmudgeons. Dr. Jeff really is going to do some e-mail fundraising rather than going inside Mary’s condo for some “cocoa.”
    It’s really a strenuous job — consisting of quickly proofreading the letter the staff wrote this afternoon, pasting it into the e-mail list of potential donors and then hitting “send.”
    Then, Dr. Jeff will go to the liquor cabinet to pour himself a stiff one, then the medicine cabinet to pour himself a “stiff one” and then off to the bedroom to meet the latest “exchange student” Dr. Jeff Jr. has sent over from the Peace Village Orphanage and Resort for Caucasian Men of Wealth and Certain Tastes (also known as “Phuket Two”).

  88. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#76): Hey, a job’s a job. (They had none.)

  89. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#68): Man are you lucky I don’t know where you live.

  90. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#83): “It’s always awkward when you’ve broken into your girlfriend’s flat and hidden in her closet and she comes in drunk in the arms of another guy. Especially when you’re in the process of relieving yourself. ” – it’s sad, but it’s true.

  91. Doodle Bean
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Yep, Jeff’s black, orange and pink auto color scheme makes perfect sense.

  92. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#83): 9CL: Open question: If you were Juliette, wouldn’t Elliott’s 24/7 ass-kissing get old after a few days?

    If you were Juliette, you would be a Burber. And a Burber cannot make it through the day without a continual stream of flattery. The few strips per month that aren’t devoted to Burbers being boinked are devoted to Edda fishing for compliments. That may explain the dentition – oversized mouths are an evolutionary adaptation to allow them to more easily swallow the over-the-top stream of compliments.

    Luann: Assuming that this list of Ann Eiffel’s high crimes is accurate—as a highlight reel would show it not to be

    I did a highlight reel above. I considered just posting “I could link to the strips, but that would prove that I have no life.” But that ship has already sailed. The thing that kept striking me as I went through the highlights was – this is a work of fiction. Evans doesn’t have to try to put a spin on the events, he is the one illustrating and scripting them. But he still failed utterly to make Ann the villain and not the victim.

  93. lynn
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#88): Well, at least you have some principles. You weren’t out shilling for a job with a FSM bishop or the prince of darkness or something like that. Never be ashamed to have the courage of your convictions! (How many times have you been convicted, padre?)

  94. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#89): Now, boys, please make your social arrangements offline.

  95. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Does anyone seriously doubt that Ari’s now at home, blasted out of his mind on three glasses of scotch, wearing half a Santa suit, and filling with shame and self-loathing as he feverishly searches YouTube for “hot cocoa” videos?

  96. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#95): I think Ari’s passed out in the hallway right outside Margo’s door.

  97. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#96): Perhaps the events taking place in Jeff’s car are simply the product of Ari’s alcohol-fueled dementia.

  98. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#93):

    (How many times have you been convicted, padre?)

    None that you need to know about.

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#59):

    I wonder, did Edward Albee read the funnies?

    Fun fact: Albee had the original idea for Sherman’s Lagoon. The comics reading world wasn’t ready for it at the time, so he reworked the material into “Seascape.”

  100. Perky Bird
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    We should be thankful Mary Worth isn’t doing a Shoe crossover. Otherwise, we’d be seeing Mary inviting Jeff up for some cloaca.

  101. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#4): “Luann: His smirk’s back, but now it’s an ANGRY smirk! That’s how we can tell that shit just got real.”

    COTW-material, AFAIC

  102. Illustrator Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    MT – “Cherry! May I speak to Mark, please?”
    “Hi Bill, Mark is in the can. Do you want me to give him a message for you, Bill?”
    “Yes, Cherry. It is a confidentual message so I will only give you the code word. The code word is, BONEFISH. Just tell Mark that I called and the code word is, BONEFISH. Got that Cherry? BONEFISH!”
    “Yes, Bill. Goodbye”
    (five hours later Mark finally comes out of the bathroom)
    “MARK! Bill Ellis called. He said to tell you one word, BONEFISH!”
    “BONEFISH? …TIMES A WASTIN’, CHERRY. GOTTA RUN!”
    “But, but, Mark. WHAT about taking that customary stroll with me around our little pond while telling me how this time you will finally fix that old rotted dock of ours and take Rusty fishing before you run off again?”
    “Be SERIOUS, Cherry. Bill just called with an important code word and I must be off. GOODBYE!”
    (Later)
    “Mark! You got here quick!”
    “Yeah, Bill. Cherry bought that line of yours, hook, line and sinker!”
    “Speaking of hook, line and sinker, Mark I’ve got the yacht all gassed up and ready to go and I have most of your share of the missing ransom money on board for you. So let’s stop yacking and depart this place now to go on another BONEFISHING trip!”
    “Umm, WHAT do you mean by, MOST of my portion of the money, Bill?”
    “Can’t hear you, Mark. These big diesel engines are pretty loud, you know. Now, just stand there agaist that loose railing on the port side of the yacht while I do a quick turn to the right.”

  103. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#96): Makes sense. Now the question is whether he’ll come to when her heel grinds into his gut.

  104. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#83): re 9cl ;; Elliot must be hung like a horse on Viagra.

  105. bats :[
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    I’ll really be sad when this storyline (well, mostly the keen drawings) end…

  106. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#99): Little-known fact: Toomey originally intended ‘Sherman’s Lagoon’ to be about General Sherman and his humorous interactions with Henry Hallek and Ulysses Grant. However, Toomey found the Civil War uniforms too difficult to draw, so Sherman became a shark, as did his strong-willed wife Ellen (‘Meghan’); Henry Hallek became “Fillmore” the turtle and Grant, the avaricious crab “Hawthorne”. Personally I like it better with these changes. Still, interesting trivia, no?
    //must be true, I read it on Wikipedia.

  107. bats :[
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

  108. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#103): Hey, I had that dream last night…

  109. Austria
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Is that an anime sweatdrop? That’s definitely an anime sweatdrop.

    Luann: “You cheated customers!” said TJ. I don’t think I need to comment any further.

  110. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Slylock – Oh, sure. A seasoned pro like Weber can draw an angry lion in two shakes, but I only get the first part of the rough outline done before it gets too close and I have to run for my life. These how-tos need to take things like that into consideration.

    Fred – This rerun could be made fresh and new by simply running the first panel twice.

    Hagar – This boring slice of life happens to show Helga’s wooden nose to better advantage than usual.

  111. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Herb – Interestingly, Jamaal also crams for urine tests. He has to watch his pees and cues.

    Lio – Poiuyt!

    love is… – According to this map, he’s just gotten to third base with himself! Must be a southpaw.

  112. 10Dude Road
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#83):

    9CL: Open question: If you were Juliette, wouldn’ Elliott’s 24/7 ass-kissing get old afer a few days?

    Hard to say.

    If the strip were written by someone with a knowledge of real, healthy heterosexual relationships (or real, healthy homosexual relationships for that matter) things might be different. As it stands, we are subject to the ramblings of a sexually repressed 12 year old beefwit.

    ‘nuf said.

  113. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Mark – “Say, weren’t there, oh, I dunno, three other people here when I left? Not counting me? One of them was sort of small. Maybe I’m thinking of Sassy. That little scamp! I should take her fishing.”

    Nancy – “Out of a job. That reminds me. I wonder, in an idle, offhand sort of way, what ever happened to that little bald kid I fathered with that cocktail waitress when I still lived in Referenceville.”

    @TheDiva (#64): nobody talks like this. Ever.
    Well, in 70s porn movies, people talk like nobody ever talked ever. At least that’s what I hear. When I watch 70s porn movies.

  114. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#98): I think the correct answer should be “None. At least, in this country anyway”.

  115. lynn
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#114): In the 1988 television movie, Shakedown on the Sunset Strip, Joan Van Ark, playing a Hollywood Madam, has a great exit line: “I ain’t done nothin’ you can’t read about in the Bible.”

  116. Voshkod
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#106): So Sherman marched to the sea and kept right on going underwater, eh?

  117. lynn
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#115): I guess I need not mention that Charles Siebert is in that movie.

  118. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    FC-Your parents are just trying to keep you from getting any fatter, Dolly.

  119. Flipper
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    MW: “Not tonight, dear,” Jeff says to Mary, beneath a bright blue sky that suggests the current time is around noon. I suppose that makes sense in the world of Charterstone Condominiums, where dinner is at 3pm and everyone’s tucked in bed by dusk. After a couple hours of hot, sweaty “cocoa,” of course.

  120. tb4000
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Edge City: Haha, see, this strip is funny because things happen in the exact opposite of the way the characters expected them to happen. Get it? Get it?

  121. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#109): a plewd by definition is flying around the head, so it must be an anime-style sweatdrop.

  122. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#120): Edge City: I like the existential bleakness of that last panel, standing by itself.

  123. Marc
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#59): I’m pretty sure Brooke doesn’t have any friends. Hence his writing the way he does. I mean could you stand to be around him?

  124. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    for those who don’t already know:

    plewds in panel 4. “Drops of sweat emanating from the character’s head to indicate nervousness, stress, or working hard.”

    anime sweat drop. “Confusion, exasperation, embarrassment and similar emotions manifest as an unusually large sweat drop that appears on the temple or the back of the head.”

  125. Marc
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Luann- So what’s going on here Evans? Are you forgetting the obvious points of the plot, insulting our intelligence, or are you completely fucking retarded?

  126. Comrade Denny
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#120): Is it really violating expectations when a character says “It could be worse” and then it is? If anything it’s straight up anti-irony, which is perfect for Edge City‘s brand of anti-humor.

  127. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#125): I’ll take “complete fucking retards” for 400, Alex.

  128. Marc
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Who is Not Quite That Old (#75): I thought that joke had actually originate in 19 dickety 2?

  129. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#125): Must we pick just one?

  130. bats :[
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#14): wow, hideously gruesome (and yet, I’d like to see it!). In the meantime…

  131. MySpoonIsTooBig
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Ugh, I had a 9CL dream. Something about reading a huge collection for a self-admitted masochistic tendency and oh it was terrible.

  132. bats :[
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @brendancalling (#57): this has promise, too!
    (It is a cold day in Tucson, the Old Pueblo…but it’s not so much that, but I’m going upstairs to make myself some cocoa! Fer real!)

  133. TheDiva
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#113): Are you saying 9 Chickweed Lane is inspired by, and possibly takes place in, the world of 1970s porno? That’s…probably the best explanation I’ve heard yet for the strip.

  134. Pozzo
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    Is “some fundraising emails to take care of” a convoluted euphemism for “headache”?

  135. Marc
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#129): All of the above is an acceptable write in answer.

  136. Hairhead
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Ya know, not all of the posters at the official Luann site are non-ironic fans. Some people are observant. Below is the text of on person’s aggressive common sense amongst all of the Ann-Eiffel-hate:

    TJ comment: “You abused my friends, cheated customers, mistreated a little girl and lied to me.”

    Ann’s response: “I fired your friend Brad when his girlfriend threatened me, but then I offered him his job back. He refused it and took another job, which he likes better and pays him better. I offered your friend Oxford a job. Hell, I even gave you a job. How is that abusing your friends? I have tried to cheat customers, but sadly I don’t seem to have the skills you do in that area. I seem to fail at it every time I try, whereas you are wildly successful. As for that little girl, I still have the scar from when she bit me. I think if you ask around, it wouldn’t be hard to find people who would gladly testify that she is an out-of-control girl with severe discipline problems. As for lying to you, well, that’s true; but who on earth would ever tell someone like you the truth. I could have done worse. I could be a poor, sad, little man who has nothing better to do with his time than to take a job to work at a hotdog restaurant and for no other reason than to get the manager fired for things that happened over a year ago. The best part is if I step out that door and get another job, it will pay better than this job and I won’t have to deal with you.

  137. Sophia Pygea
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @Hairhead (#136): Wow. Who knew Eugene O’Neill posted on the Luann site?

  138. Comrade Denny
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sophia Pygea (#137): Didn’t the Tarzan strip start out as an adaptation of O’Neill’s Hairy Ape?

  139. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#114): No, no convictions abroad either. Although – and I swear I am not making this up – there is a file with my name on it somewhere in the system of the successor to the KGB.

  140. Sophia Pygea
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#138): I don’t know, but I understand that Mary Worth is based on John Ford’s “Tis a Pity…”

  141. Amos Snarkadder
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    FC – Haha! Since when have the Keane Kids used their hands to eat? They learned their eating skills from Barfy.

    Cranked shaft – Will we see the punchline tomorrow?

  142. bats :[
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

  143. terrapin
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#51):I was thinking the whole novel could be a detailed description of Mary’s gruesome death-by-sqeezing.

  144. terrapin
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#105): That made me blow Sprite Zero out my nose.

  145. Comrade Denny
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sophia Pygea (#140): And, of course, Apartment 3-G was originally envisioned a combined sequel to Tennessee Williams’ works featuring Blanche DuBois, Laura Wingfield, and Maggie the Cat as the three girls.

    @terrapin (#143): Sort of a 300-page version of Tobias Wolff’s Bullet In The Brain? That could work…

  146. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#142): win. with awesome sauce.

  147. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#133): I hadn’t set out to say that, but when I started thinking about it, it took that direction. I’d have to clarify and say that it’s even more similar to a feature USA Network used to have, I think it was “Up All Night,” where they’d show these dopey 80s T&A movies, only since it was basic cable, all the T, all the A, and any dicey language had to be rigorously excised, so all you ended up with was the sort of dopey filler they put in between those things, plus Gilbert Gottfried.

    In other words, Chickweed Lane turned into neutered, denatured porn so gradually, only we beefwits noticed.

  148. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    My spellchecker doesn’t recognize “beefwit.” HA! Meta-beefwittery!

  149. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sophia Pygea (#140): Yes, right between his Love’s Sacrifice (1632) and Stagecoach (1939).

  150. bats :[
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#144): uh, sorry. I’m not keen with water coming out my nose, much less carbonated water…

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#146): I don’t read this strip at all, unless the hue and cry here is loud and vociferous (like today). All I can say to my loud Curminion buddies is “Darn you! Darn you all to heck!”

  151. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    MW-People can’t know the wonders of penial enhancement pills without emails.

  152. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#139): Oh, Oh! I know! Albert Camus’ The UCC Pastor of Malta.

    “But that was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.”

  153. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#150): I read Love Is. . . . so you don’t have to?

    that has a certain ring to it.

    :-)

  154. Cuddleslave
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    FW – Enough already. Dance, die, whatever.

  155. Just This Random Guy in This Random Closet
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#90):

    Possibly even worse when you belatedly realize you’re in the wrong apartment.

  156. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    FW-Now remember kids if you tell your parents about this you’ll be in trouble.

  157. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#156): Sounds like you’ve used that line before, Liam.

  158. tallyHO
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @brendancalling (#57):

    I haven’t read every comment yet so pardon me if this has already mentioned.

    If Dr. Jeff does enter the cake decorating competition, there’s a chance he could present himself by popping out of a comically-oversized cake and will point at both Mary and John Dill while proclaiming: “ A Ha!”

    //or, the more cliched, “J’ Accuse!”

  159. Lurker Bob
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#63):

    I envision Dan Aykroyd’s drunken depressed Santa from Trading Places. The one eating smoked salmon from his pocket on the bus.

  160. bbofun
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    ASM-That’s it? That’s the resolution of the plot? Kraven spends the last two weeks telling Sherry “It’s over! Kraven needs no one!”, and, without her doing ANYTHING except falling off an elephant, he changes his mind?

    Of course, he might realize A) the only person who can actually testify that he did anything wrong is Spider-Man (he saw the chimp steal the tiara, and he’s the only one who can say he wasn’t in on the elephant stunt- remember, it happened pretty much the way Kraven announced it would) and one has to wonder if a masked man can testify in court; and B) in his experience, he’ll get parole/pardoned within a few months, as soon as the government heeds his services.

    A3G- So, drunken (sorry, “tipsy”) Margo is going to walk in on be-slickered Evan, scream (thinking he’s the killer from “I Know What You Did Last Summer”) and James Bond will come to her rescue? That’ll work.

    GT- “Mia Page remains skeptical…” Of what? That her boyfriends little brother has come back to life as a peacock? That’s not “skeptical”- that’s “rational”.

    JP- “Buffet line? Son-Parker’s don’t do buffet lines! I forbid this marriage until you give us a choice of steak, lobster, or a vegetarian option!”

    Oh, and I think “cocoa” means sex.

  161. Mary Worthless
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    What Dr. Jeff was thinking, “Sigh…. Dave used to like coming in for some cocoa. Life is brutal!”

  162. Shrug, Channeling LevitiCussSkunk
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#115):

    In the 1988 television movie, Shakedown on the Sunset Strip, Joan Van Ark, playing a Hollywood Madam, has a great exit line: “I ain’t done nothin’ you can’t read about in the Bible.”

    *************

    Whoopsie. Apparently I’ve been reading an abridged version of the Bible all these years. How embarassing.

    Heads for eBay to look for a copy of the KING SHAMES version.

    //Also, all sins are even kinkier when you toss in a “verily.”

  163. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#157):

    Nope. I’m just repeating something that I heard in the Family Guy Blue Harvest special. I’m also having flashbacks to a child sexual abuse video that I had to watch where a guy said that a priest went down on him when he was thirteen.

  164. Shrug, Babbling
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#123):

    “I’m pretty sure Brooke doesn’t have any friends”

    **********

    His “friends” are the ones who are grudingly willing to call him “Brooke.” Every one else he meets soon learns to think of him more as “Rivulet of Sewage.”

  165. In Communist Shrugistan, Jokes Laugh at YOU!
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#139):

    “there is a file with my name on it somewhere in the system of the successor to the KGB.”

    Your real name is MooseAndSquirrel?

  166. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Channeling LevitiCussSkunk (#162): Hopefully you’ll get to know your Bible. In a biblical way. Sort of like Crazy Harry and his comics collection.

  167. tallyHO
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#54):

    It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s hiding in the stairwell, explaining to random passersby that he he is undercover as a an International Man of Fishstory.

    //i know, i know. i once used a variation of this one for Mark Trail, too.

  168. John C
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#77):

    This deserves the Orsen Welles’ clapping gif.

    Bravo!

  169. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

  170. Shrug, Attempting to be InEugenious
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    Additionally, several of the slower-moving dramatic comic strips were adapted from Eugene O’Neill’s LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO A LONG NIGHT OVER THE NEXT SIX MONTHS AND IT WILL STILL BE THE SAME DAY.

    // The abridged version became more popular.

    Also, CURTIS will get around to adapting THE EMPEROR JONES as a Kwanza sequence any year now. And ALL GOD’S CHILLUN GOT WINGS begat SHOE.

    *********

    In JUDGE PARKER today, the Judge explains the real reason he wanted a private talk: “You’re not really my son; you’re a clone I had raised for organ replacement purposes. And I’m afraid my liver has been acting up.”

  171. Marzipan
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    No, no, this storyline can still be about Jealousy! Come on, “Have some fundraising emails to take care of”? That is CLASSIC WASPy passive-aggressive code for “No, I won’t have sex with you, you shrill, unfaithful harpy.”

    Actually, in my experience, “I’m a lucky guy. you are a GOOD person” is bland blonde guy code for “I’m about to break up with you”.

  172. Uncle Lumpy
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#123):

    I’m pretty sure Brooke doesn’t have any friends.

    I think he is pals with Pat Brady of Rose is Rose.

  173. Comrade Denny
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Attempting to be InEugenious (#170): And, of course, Funky Winkerbean is based on O’Neill’s classic The Iceman Smirketh. In the original script, Harry Hope’s saloon was sub-sub-sub-par pizza joint.

  174. Old School Allie Cat
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    I used to date a guy who was always wanted cocoa – he was obsessed with it.

    Cocoa’s code for anal, right?

  175. shrunkenheadsofMrBribary
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    MW’s code word for cloaca went unnoticed by Jeff, who did not catch on that she really wanted to invited him upstairs for a piece of her reptilian tail.

  176. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Marzipan (#171): Yes, in my experience, nothing positive ever follows the statement “You’re a good person,” especially when it’s followed by “…but…”

  177. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    “You’re a good person” is often what people say to me after they’ve borrowed money that they never intend to pay back. “You’re a good person who I know will not come after me with an ice pick to get your money back.”

  178. Revenge of Chesnut
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    Dr. Jeff’s pink car makes me think of Barbie’s transportation. Though I have to say, even as a ten year-old Mormon girl, my Barbies got WAY more action than anyone in Mary Worth.

  179. Dood
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    I guess Dr. Jeff is just not cuckoo for Mary’s cocoa fluffs.

  180. Baka Gaijin
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @The Drinks Are *Not* on Shrug (#66): WHAAAAAAT? I will never look at a bag of Jet Puffed the same way again, and will never look at a jar of Marshmallow Fluff again.

    @NoahSnark (#71): Pretty much the definition of the phrase “bumping uglies.”

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#139): You’re right. Now that you know, well, if I were you, I’d beware any borscht or salmon squares you’re offered.

    @terrapin (#144): Which is better for seasonal allergies: a snortled Sprite Zero or a neti pot?

    @bbofun (#160) on Spiderman: Kraven noticed Sherry’s inflamed prehensile rectum. Being the experienced wildlife hunter, he knows she’s fertile. Now.

  181. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    FC-Insert fat joke about Dolly here.

    MT-Fresh off of his current adventure Mark receives a phone call about his next adventure and another group of people he will forget about when he returns home.

  182. tallyHO
    January 11th, 2013 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#174):

    Was he cocoa dependent?

  183. bats :[
    January 11th, 2013 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#180): I’d go with a neti pot (I have one, and I don’t really like it, but when my sinuses seem to have been filled with quik-set cement, it does help), if for no other reason that the solution in the neti pot is warm. I’m guessing Sprite Zero is sparkling merrily over a glassful of ice cubes.
    And ice cubes though the sinuses are just awful.

  184. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 11th, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#174): It would have to be. Normally, I’d expect it to mean the same as “down with the brown” or “getting your swirl on”, but MW’s beige-on-fishbelly-white world, Mary inviting Jeff in for a 3-way with a soul brother is unlikely in the extreme.

  185. Baka Gaijin
    January 11th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#181): Dolly is so fat her head looks like a football!

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#184): Were I to imagine what you wrote, I’d go blind. Oh no! Hysterical blindness! It burn, it burns!

  186. Baka Gaijin
    January 11th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    Damn! I didn’t make the COTW float again.

  187. Government Cheese
    January 11th, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    Luann: TJ is just waving his massive fart out the door. What he really wants is a life-time of WeenieWorld weenie grease for his hair.

  188. Alison
    January 11th, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: So TJ doesn’t want to be manager. That means he really has devoted his whole life to the cause of getting Ann fired because she fired his friend for not doing his job. No other reason. Just “You fired Brad for being a shitty employee, so you must pay. I am going to ruin your career and your life.” This arc has gone from being pathetic to being terrifying. Anyone who would do what TJ has done is literally crazy.

    That said, I can’t think of a more passionless, boring person than Brad, and I will relish when TJ comes to give him the big news of Ann’s downfall, and Brad responds by shovelling more popcorn in his mouth, saying, “Ha, that’s cool, man,” and then going back to watching television, already forgetting what TJ did.

  189. demoncat
    January 11th, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    mw darn looks like jeff winds up due to the cake thing avoids aldos fate and proves how blinded by love he is for marry to just hug and say go ahead i am lucky to have you meaning i am lucky to be forever your main puppet .

  190. Illustrator Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    MT – Bill Ellis must be in a panic, what with the jagged edged yellow word balloon and all.
    (commentors note)…You see, a continuous jagged edge around a yellow colored word balloon obviusly indicates a sense of urgency on the callers part. That, or Billellis really-really-really needs to go to the bathroom!
    (See, after a few decades of reading this stuff you get to where you pick up on things like that! Tommorow I will explain the significance of old outdated wooden motor boats painted a forest green color.)

  191. Illustrator Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    MT – “CHERRY, this is Bill…may I speak with Mark, please? By the way, Cherry, I see you are not drawn very well today.”

    “No different than any other day, Bill. And thanks so much for making my day even worse!”

  192. Illustrator Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    MT – Now that Mark is home maybe he can finish white washing the interior surfaces of the cabin walls. I see Doc and Cherry have whitewashed the lower portions of the walls but the upper half are still a putrid shade of pumpkin. …But, hey, at least that putrid shade of pumpkin is an exact match to the finish on their fancy eatin’ table!

  193. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 11th, 2013 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Hairhead (#136): Spot-on.
    Although I think this story has come to its pathetic conclusion, I am hoping for an alternative ending. For example, TJ holds a party at Weenie World to celebrate his humiliation of Ann. One of his “friends” (ideally Brad) casually mentions how TJ beat Ann by being “just like her.” TJ has a moment of dreadful self-awareness that haunts him forever.

  194. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 11th, 2013 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#188):

    I will relish when TJ comes to give him the big news of Ann’s downfall, and Brad responds by shovelling more popcorn in his mouth, saying, “Ha, that’s cool, man,” and then going back to watching television, already forgetting what TJ did.

    Hey, even better! I like that!

  195. Illustrator Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    MT – I’d pay to see Mark try and drink that cup of steaming hot java while holding the edge of the saucer and tilting IT rather than tilting the handle of the cup!
    It would play out something like this…
    “Yes, folks, I was on this tropical Isl…….YEEEEE-OW!! HOT! HOT! HOT!!!!”

    (and Cherry would say): “See, Dad, I TOLD you Mark has a drinking problem!”
    (and Dad/Doc would say): “NO! He’s probably outside!”
    (and Rusty would say, as he bursts through the door after hunting arowheads): “Hi everybody! Hey, Mark, WHY is the side of your face all red? Is it because you feel so bad about all those broken promises to me?”

  196. Alison
    January 11th, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#194):
    Thanks! I like your idea. TJ becoming self-aware would be all kinds of sweet! Heck, anyone in this strip becoming self-aware, even for a minute, would make my day.

    I’ve never understood why Evans has consistently portrayed Brad as not really caring what happens to Ann. TJ’s revenge plot would be dumb no matter what, but it would be a lot less dumb if he was avenging someone who’d actually been hurt by Ann and was traumatized by it. Brad has never been shown to feel anything stronger than, “I got fired. That sucks. Oh well.” There have hardly been any strips with TJ and Brad even discussing what TJ is doing at Weenie World to hurt Ann, and in the few that do exist, Brad seems to be, at best, mildly amused by what’s going on.

    On that note, this arc makes Brad looks almost as bad as TJ. What kind of guy doesn’t tell his scheming friend, “Dude, this has gone too far. Seriously, just quit. It was only a fast food job! I’m over the whole thing.”?

  197. shrunkenheadsofMrBribary
    January 11th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    I finally make a funny and by the time I post the person directly above me makes the exact joke, which also seems to be the comment of the week.

    (Hangs head in shame, goes back to years of lurking)

  198. Ratiocinator
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#101): Thanks! I think I can do and have done better myself, so I’m glad that you liked it.

    Rather than just soaking up praise, however, I wish to also splash it onto other absorbent individuals, so here are two that I LOL’d at. First, brendancalling’s comment @57:

    Dr. Jeff is actually still filled with barely suppressed rage. He will enter the cake decorating contest himself, determined to humiliate both Mary and John Dill. But, because he is a doctor and not a retired hotel manager with dreams of being a cake decorator, the cake will prove to be a hilarious disaster, decorated with used syringes, biowaste, discarded clumps of leftover hospital food, and tonsils tonsils tonsils, everywhere.

    Next, I couldn’t imagine Mary saying what lorne wrote @6 without cracking up:

    “Cocoa means sex, Jeff. You know that, right? I was asking you to come in for sex. Now do you want to come in for SOME COCOA!”

    And finally, the alt dialogue by bats:[, seen here:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/8370013621/sizes/l/in/photostream/

  199. Ratiocinator
    January 11th, 2013 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    Oh, incidentally I speak an obscure dialect that is in most respects completely identical to your English, except that in mine “two” means “three”. Apparently. >_>

  200. Government Cheese
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dr. Jeff is not going to be all too happy once Mary comes out naked from the cake during the judging. Blow the house down!

  201. Ursula
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: That animal isn’t thinking what you think it is thinking. It is thinking it would like to kill you, but would also like to get out of range of your irritating thoughts as quickly as possible.

  202. Liam
    January 11th, 2013 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#188):

    Thanks for that analysis. It made me realize that TJ is going all Captain Ahab on Anne. I’m hoping that this will kill TJ.

  203. MWDG
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    MW: Let me make sure I understand this. Jeff is a retired 50ish doctor loaded with cash… Mary is a domineering old hag in her late seventies who reeks of Preparation H and urine soaked underwear.

    Contents of Mary’s purse:

    Autograph picture of Bea Arthur in bikini
    Feen-a-Mint gum (sugar free)
    Jolene crème bleach
    Monistat cream
    Poly-dent
    DVD with autopsy photographs of Karen Carpenter

  204. Sgt. Stoned
    January 11th, 2013 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: Who is this Cocoa of whom you speak, Mary? Is she anything like Brown Sugar (how come you taste so good)?

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