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John’s cake disqualified because there’s nothing “natural” about Mary

Mary Worth, 2/1/13

OK, you knew and I knew that John Dill was going to get weird about Mary at some point in this storyline. The only questions were when and how. We now know the answer to when — it’s right now, right here, in front of a national TV audience (or maybe just the seven people currently watching Santa Royale’s public access cable station, I forget), but we’re still not sure of the how and frankly I’m on tenterhooks. Is the incredibly lifelike figurine of Mary he just carved out of marzipan with a butter knife meant to be an idol of pagan worship, and John will demand, wild-eyed, that the studio audience acknowledge Mary’s divine and terrible beauty? Or will he calmly wait until Mary notices the figure, and then, without breaking eye contact with her, pick it up and bite the head off before tossing it to the ground? Either way, next week is going to be amazing.

Spider-Man, 2/1/13

“Finally, I managed to work that Google bit into my quippery! I really feel like my repartee is going to be more up to date now.”

Garfield, 2/1/13

Garfield will do anything to feed his voracious appetites, Jon. Anything.

292 responses to “John’s cake disqualified because there’s nothing “natural” about Mary”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    @Dave Dahl (#yy354): Chicago Tribune 86′d the Helen Keller Argyle Sweater and subbed in a 2009 Argyle making fun of Clay Aiken.

    The Chicago Tribune probably uses “The Gabby Rule” to determine which comics are fit to print:

    It’s okay to make fun of Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas, but making
    fun of Democratic politician — and shooting victim — Gabby Giffords is
    STRICTLY VERBOTEN!!!

  2. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Did someone run over Garfield? He looks pretty…flat.

    Haven’t seen the comics today (except for my own, I mean), but after Josh’s offerings I don’t really feel the need to.

  3. Mary Worthless
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Mr. Dill is hoping and praying for a “happy ending” with Saint Worth.

    Just remember John, it is not nice to fool around with Mother Nature.

  4. DAS
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    How is Peter Parker going to get home? Is he going to remember his spider-based abilities and try ballooning? Or will he hitch another ride because he has the proportional hitch-hiking capabilities of a spider?

  5. Old Folkie
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    JP: Abbey makes fettuccini with vermicelli?

    Luann: now this is getting really gross…

  6. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-It would feel a lot more satisfying if you handcuff that guy to his steering wheel and then set the car on fire. Nothing like a walking away shot with a car exploding in the background.

    Spiderman 2-”Back to hitchhiking. Boy I hope another car comes along soon.”

    A3G-”I had to change my jacket, Greg. As you can see it is now white instead of brown.”

    Curtis-”I’m sorry that I objected to you throwing out my favorite chair.”

    Dick Tracy-That’s right, little girl, bones. Bones can be found in cemeteries.

    MT-”My readers have heard so much about these Chevy vans that they would love to see what the inside of one looks like.”

    MW-Sorry, Dill, but the last guy who made advances at Mary died in a car accident. Are you willing to take that chance?

    RMMD-You’re into bondage? That is so kinky.

  7. Joe Wondering
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Why is there a TV camera in the corner in the first panel of Mary Worth?

  8. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    OK, you knew and I knew that John Dill was going to get weird about Mary at some point in this storyline.

    Weirder than the “zipper accident” in There’s Something About Mary?

    We can only hope.

  9. Ed Dravecky
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    I sure hope John’s all-pink nightmare cake tribute to Mrs. Butterworth and/or Mary Worth wins him enough money to get the counseling he so desperately needs.

  10. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    MW-I don’t know what Dill’s story is but judging by his cake it is a terrible story.

  11. Chareth Cutestory
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: To the outside observer, you see a hitchhiker in a car with a sleazy bald guy making pleading gestures. Then you see Peter Parker walking away talking about how good something just felt. Yep, pretty much sounds like the newspaper Spider-Man you know.

  12. TheSilentG
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Has John Dill switched places with the late Vincent Price?

  13. Ed Dravecky
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    When the police find the wrecked car, unconscious driver, and Peter Parker’s mangled corpse, the last three entries in the driver’s search history will be “hot wiring a car”, “vehicular manslaughter law loopholes”, and “site:monster.com temp job in a better comic strip”.

  14. Pozzo
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    “Man, that felt good! Almost as good as the day AMC had a “Mad Men” marathon. Nothing better than not having to change the channel.”

  15. Anonymous
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    He’s not just carving a marzipan figure of Mary, he’s masturbating it into existence, hopefully with a happy ending.

  16. nescio
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Oh, crap. #16 was me.

  17. Mibbitmaker
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

  18. Josh
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Joe Wondering (#7): Because the cake-decorating contest is on TV! Really! I’m not making that up!

    Josh

  19. Dood
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    OK, so mayo-man Wilbur has exactly four hairs in his combover. How many does cake-and-bake John have in his comb-back?

  20. RavenHawk
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Spider Man: Peter’s exit in panel 3, would probably look more dramatic, if he hadn’t slipped on his blue skirt.

    I guess if it helps him get a ride.

  21. Droopy Says
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Do community cable sevices and high-number cable channels use big TV cameras on heavy dollies? I could look up the answer, but today’s Spiderman makes me strangely reluctant to Google anything.

  22. But What Do I Know?
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Cranky — What a dick!

    Spidey — What a dick!

    MW — Mary has been hanging out with John Dill for weeks, carefully probing for his secrets so that she can bring them up in a forum where he cannot escape. Next week, prepare to hear the Loves and Losses of John Dill–Santa Royale Public Access channel has never seen such drama!

  23. SPG
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    MW – In Santa Royale, it’s not a baked good if it’s not pink.

    ASM – “I just left a violent criminal stranded on the side of the road where he will be forced to hitchhike in order to go anywhere. He’ll probably take out his frustration on whomever stops to pick him up, robbing them, murdering them, taking them hostage, who knows! Man that felt good!”

  24. Norm
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth- The plot is revealed- He’s baking a Meddling Cake. Took me completely by surprise!

  25. Chris B
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Peter Parker – “Man, I’m glad I’m not him, stuck in the middle of the desert with no way to get going. Yep that would suck. He will never get his keys out of that shallow puddle. Hmmm.. I wonder why there is a ditch filled with water in the middle of a desert. Oh well. Must be a good reason. At least I am not stuck, alone, on foot, miles from anywhere”

  26. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    MW – Add today’s reference to a “happy ending” to the list of innuendo that has been worked into this story arc. It is difficult not to believe that this has been intentional.

    Luann – DO NOT WANT

    JP – Oh, right, the plot. Maybe Neddie is taking out all the money to buy cruise tickets to Mexico?

  27. Lord-z
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    I think we are going to have to face the horrifying reality: That within the strip, Mary is supposed to be ridiculously sexy. Oh sure, to us she looks like Jon Voight in a cheap wig found at the side of a road, but at Santa Royale, she is like Angelina Jolie. In a cheap roadside wig.

  28. Hibbleton
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    MT:
    Giant duck #1: Those numbnuts standing over there aren’t even worth shitting on.
    Giant duck #2: Oh, Yeah…I guess you’re right.

  29. Aphthakid
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Is it just me or do Garfield’s feet keep getting bigger? He’s well into Bozo territory and, let me tell you, that’s nowhere you want to be.

    Also, in Spiderman, what geometry defying horror is that guy driving? Look at that tiny wheel hovering a foot off the ground in panel 2!

  30. mvg
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MW: Prediction: During the crucial & already heavily-foreshadowed “carrying” phase of the cake competition, Mary will be so stunned by the unexpected appearance of her tiny confectionary doppelganger that she will drop her end of the cake, precipitating a horrific, on-camera cakeslide that spatters the audience with pink marzipan (Oh the humanity!). Realizing how deeply he has offended his stern goddess, John Dill will publicly commit seppuku by spatula.

  31. Amos Snarkadder
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Luann – So, it’s come to this: Maniacal Clowns.
    // NSFBG

  32. Lurker Bob
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark never ceases to amaze me. Not only is he a husband, friend, journalist, naturalist and neglectful father, he has now added the title of ass ventriloquist to his bag of tricks. How could Mr. Bassy say no to his own ass when asked for pictures of the inside of his van.

    Tomorrow on Mark Trail: Mark uses his new skills to get the van a-rockin’. I can’t wait to see how a speaking posterior figures into all of it. Probably not for the kiddies!

  33. Johnny Knuckles
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    MW: The story of the Dill cake is tasteless and covered in sticky lies. Ignore the hardened sugar statuette of The Blessed Mary. Underneath lies heavy layers of stomach churning doughy sludge. The studio audience (bussed in from the Santa Royale Assisted Living Complex with promises of free cake after the judging) know this story well. Many have lived it. Some will ask for a taste…certainly none will go back for seconds.

  34. Dood
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    So, John Dill thinks Mary’s a top?

  35. Voshkod
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Well, if Dill is turning into Vincent Price, is it too much to hope that Mary Worth turns into House of Wax? Or at least House of Marzipan?

  36. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    “Happy ending” and “Mary Worth” are two phrases I do not want together in my head.

  37. Tom Allen
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    I’m hoping John serenades Mary with Aerosmith on live TV:

    “Pink – it’s my new obsession
    Pink – it’s not even a question,
    Pink – on the lips of your lover.
    ‘Cause Pink is the love you discover.”

  38. Oregonian
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    @TheSilentG (#12):

    Has John Dill switched places with the late Vincent Price?

    Close. Notice how Mary is dressed in purple? At the start of Monday’s strip, Dill is going to break the fourth wall, look up at the reader, and say “For those who came in late…”

  39. Brownsfan
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    MW- looks like he carved Mary wearing a bathrobe…..not exactly flattering if he wants the desired result.

  40. Oregonian
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    SM: “Man, that felt good! I should have tightened the crotch on these pants years ago!”

  41. WeatherServo9
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Here’s today’s cable access lineup:

    1:05 pm – 9/11 Was An Inside Job
    2:17 pm – The Jesus Flower Power Hour
    2:59 pm – Santa Royale Cake Baking With Mary and Friends
    4:34 pm – Ukranian Politics and Music Videos
    4:49 pm – Let’s Talk Macramé

  42. Amos Snarkadder
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    MW – BWAHAHAHA!!! Could anything be more unintentionally hilarious? There’s nothing that can be said about this that wouldn’t make me burst out laughing.
    Or is there? Here’s a challenge – see if you can say something sincere and nonironic about today’s Mary Worth with a straight face.
    // It’s going to be a long day.

  43. Illustrator Steve
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @Lurker Bob (#32): MT – Mark may be a lot of nothings, but he’s no ventriloquist. THAT’S just Rod Bassy talking out of his ass again, that’s all.

  44. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Fraz: a punchline that only works in print. Still, I was amused. (I used to spend a lot of time on a UK-based forum, so the extra u was a regular thing, and I still tend to include it on some words, esp. armour.)

    9CL: Kitten on the Keys, the Pretentious Version.

    A&J: issues a ‘take that’ to the soap strips.

    AD: would have been funny and/or relevant several months back. /fail.

    Doons: and on the other side of the ‘delay for print’ coin, we have a win.

    Lio: speaking of utter and unadulterated win.

    Luann: approaching NSFBG territory rapidly.

    PBS: depends. maybe she likes deep-fried butter on a stick?

    R&R: *heeeeee*

    SBp: I expect to see this come true long before we get flying cars and hoverboards. *cries*

    Bizarro: points for concept, at least.

    JP: cleavage and butter. two of my favorite things.

    JUMBLE: “bogged down” doesn’t fit. *cries* (nice answer, tho’)

    RwO: guest-starring Peter Parker.

    SFx: yaoi fangirl?

  45. Illustrator Steve
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    MT – Welcome to the Centerville Bass fishing Tournament, brought to you this year by Ducks Unlimited. Enjoy!

  46. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . and looking at your child as you do so.

    (does doing your god-child count as incest or not?)

  47. Amos Snarkadder
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    MW – I’ll be damned! He put a bird on it!
    // It’s pink, but not a flamingo. What bird is pink that isn’t a flamingo? Trail?

  48. Little Guy
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    ASM: I don’t know… I don’t… even…. *sigh*

    Curtis: I don’t know… I don’t… even…. *sigh*

    DT: No, kid. That’s her sister Zooey.

  49. Digger
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    MW: Nothing says “beauty of nature” like a geriatric woman pulling the flaps of her housecoat shut. Of course, this may be the first in a series of figurines which depict Mary gradually removing her robe as part of a playful burlesque.

  50. Illustrator Steve
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    MT – “Mister Bassy, due to this pond being overfished, the judges have decided to change this year’s bass fishing tournament into a duck hunting tournament. Good luck trying to snag one of those birds with your famous ROD BASSY KILLER LURE, mister Bassy!
    “Hey Rod, should I get that surface to air missle launcher out of the van for you?”
    “SHUT UP, Catfish….just shut up!”

  51. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#26): Can we really blame the writers for our dirty minds?

  52. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    MW – I wonder if the strip could license Billy Bragg’s “The Short Answer”?

    Between marx and marzipan in the dictionary there was mary
    Between the deep blue sea and the devil that was me
    If ever anyone could help me with my obsession with
    The young suzannah york
    It was mary

    In my pink pyjamas she asked me for something
    I gave her the short answer
    She read our stars out loud
    And I knew then that we should have gone sailing
    But we stayed home instead
    Fighting on the waterbed
    Like the honeymoon couple on drugs
    Me and mary

  53. Greg
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    MW: I don’t know about you, but whenever I eat cake I ask myself, What story is this telling? Is the pink frosting the protagonist or the antagonist? What’s at stake for the hero (my stomach)??

  54. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#51): Can we really blame the writers for our dirty minds?

    This is America! We have a constitutional right, nay an obligation, to blame everyone but ourselves for everything!

  55. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    @Digger (#49): Look again. She’s holding a bird, á la St. Francis. I wonder if this means John Dill’s going to bury her upside down in his yard to sell his condo unit?

  56. Holly Folly
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    I always have to wonder, in the Garfield universe, is it normal to take your cat out to restaurants with you?

  57. sighing maiden, still sighing
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#55): You’re confusing St. Francis with St. Joseph, you damned Prod.

  58. Cleve Barrister
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    MW- OK, I know we’ve all beaten this story line to death(like eggs in cake batter no less!), but really? Mary asks this question NOW after spending weeks making the same stupid cake over and over again? It never once occurred to her to ask that question when they first started? What’s next- Mary asking the director of the competition “What’s my motivation here?”

  59. sighing maiden, still sighing
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    @sighing maiden, still sighing (#57): I mean that in the nicest possible way. I appreciate Pastor Dan and I will pray for his soul if he makes it into Purgatory.

  60. sighing maiden, still sighing
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @sighing maiden, still sighing (#59):…doubtful though that may be.

  61. Hibbleton
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Loot count so far: a free trip to San Diego with lodging, a free lunch, and a handful of bullets. That’s not much to go on. No wonder Rex looks depressed. Once he “confiscates” those two handguns maybe he’ll feel better.

  62. Illustrator Steve
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MT – Meanwhile, back at the Trail family homestead in Lost Forest, (you remember the Trail family homestead in Lost Forest?), Cherry is making pancakes, Rusty is off pawning Mark’s remaining antiquated camera equipment, Doc is on a rant about Rusty probably being outside and the giant prehistoric beaver is making headway in cutting off the water supply to the Trail family homestead with his dam construction project.

  63. Horace Broon
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    FW: The man can’t speak! He’s terrified of his wife! These are the jokes, folks!

    MT You tell ‘em, giant, beckoning duck!

  64. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    IRL Catbert.

    Labrador-induced Cuteness Overload Face. “of course you can!!!”

    as seen in MT.

    Sequitur selfie.

    yes, Mythbusters CAN get 20% cooler. (and NO, it is NOT the R34 walrus pic, as much as I was tempted to do so.)

    something foxy for bats :[.

    stairs make corgi sad.

    wastin’ away in corgiritaville.

  65. Dood
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @WeatherServo9 (#41): @WeatherServo9 (#41): What about “Tibor’s Tractor”?

  66. Voshkod
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

  67. Stroker Ace
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Garfield – Veterinarian Liz has noticed the size of Garfield’s feet. The cancelled date is just the beginning…

  68. Dr. P and the Women
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    S-M: So, wait, our fearless hero here just came across some nut who picks up hitchhikers and attacks them with a gun, and all he did was break the guy’s gun and leave? You think this guy might be a problem for other hitchhikers without superpowers later, Pete? We just going to look the other way on that?

  69. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    MT: There are many kinds of ducks in Lost Forest.

  70. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    JP-Why call when you can fly to Paris and talk to her face to face.

    JP 2-Looks like someone went to the Mary Worth School of Cooking.

  71. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Rex: Just because.

  72. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Nice Mom jeans, Parker.

    Apt. 3-G: Prediction: this storyline will climax in Aristotle having a weirdly white heart attack on Christmas morning, leaving Greg stuck between his corpse and Evan’s charred black body, screaming “Nooooo!!!!”

    Arlo and Janis: is interesting. “Mary Worth (or those responsible for her) actually contributed something to the culture!” – John Lennon

    Snuffy Smith: Oddly, that works around here, too.

    Beetle Bailey: Ah, but did he have ten for everything, everything, everything?[*]

    9 Chickweed Lane: I’m really wondering about the audience here. Also about the source of the breeze blowing back Edda’s hair, and how a cat got into a piano in the theater without anyone noticing, but mostly about the audience. Who would tolerate shenanigan after shenanigan like this? Have I vastly underestimated the silly, pretentious twat-ness of the classical music scene? I didn’t think such a thing was possible, particularly after reading 9CL regularly, but I feel that I have. Perhaps reading about bass fishing in Mark Trail will serve as brain bleach.

    Nope, not that either.

    Cul de Sac is a little more on-target with the audience for classical music, I think.

    Judge Parker: Pasta alfredo is the perfect meal for this whitest of strips, but I still don’t care for the unwholesome look in Sam’s eye as he prepares to chow down.

    Mark Trail: Is … is Rod’s ass talking? Because from where I sit, it sure looks like he’s keeping a Platonic dialogue going all by himself, at least in the first panel. In the second, the ducks and the hills take up the job.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: That’s odd. I didn’t know anyone really cared about ex-strippers.

    Ziggy: When was the last time the Toms Wilson were in a Chinese restaurant? Half the time, it’s a Mexican crew behind the crowd, which always leads me to expect Chinese people making the Mexican food, but one can’t have everything, I suppose.

    Zippy the Pinhead: Bill Griffiths channels Julius Knipl again, and I like it.

  73. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Garfield: without Garfield with Weirdly.

  74. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @sighing maiden, still sighing (#57): Ah, you’re right. No wonder he begged for mercy when we moved out of Pennsylvania.

  75. Droopy Says
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Luann: Not gonna look . . . not gonna break my New Year’s resolution . . . but from what everyone says, is it true, Evans is putting lipstick on a piggyface?

  76. TheDiva
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    MW: Barbie and the Disney Princesses combined don’t deal in this much pink. It burns us, precious!!

    SM: Does he have the proportional dehydration rate of a spider?

  77. Aviatrix
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#42): I took up your challenge, trying for the easiest, “The cake is pink.” I can’t even think it with a straight face.

  78. S. Stout
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Luann: I believe Greg is living out his fantasies through his male characters before he retires. It used to be just Gunther, but is extending to all of them.

  79. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#75): Brad turns out to be more attractive than Luann.

  80. Lumaca Morente
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#79): That’s not setting the bar very high.

  81. Majicou
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    A&J: It was Albert Camus, and you damned well know it.

    H&J: I love it when a punchline provides a glimpse into a cartoonist’s deep neuroses. What did an anthropologist do to Bentley to turn him against the entire profession? Mock his inability to remember old jokes? Complain about his using quotes instead of writing his own scripts? Object when he referred to anthropology as “that field where they study people?”

  82. bats :[
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#64): Ooooh! Fruit! nom nom nom

    MW: You know, a couple of test cake iterations ago, Mary and John were using both pink AND white icing…what happened? Too cutting edge for Santa Royale? Too hot for Hoboken? Did Dawn and Toby just mainline the white frosting bag, shooting it into each other’s mouths like a can of cheap whipped cream?

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#71): “And a weird, creepy, crepe-like skinned arm, too, Rex…just like MARY WORTH!”

  83. bats :[
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

  84. Lumaca Morente
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#78): Well, this is quite interesting, because, after all, aren’t novels and comic strips and stories of all kinds populated out of the inner resources of the author? Aren’t all the characters author-avatars? Doesn’t that make some of these plot lines even more sick? How long can I keep writing interrogatory sentences?

  85. pugfuggly
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    MW WOOOOO! I cannot wait to see the upcoming rejection, public embarrassment and, if we’re lucky, fisticuffs between Mr Dill and Dr Jeff. My prediction: and ending almost exactly like Aldo, substituting an icing gun for a bottle of whiskey, and a diabetic coma for a car crash.

    ASM It’s a shame when classically actors have to resort to roadside stick-ups to make ends meet. Just look at that poor man, using every Hamlet gestures in his repertoire to convince his erstwhile prey not to abandon him. Peter is having none of it, though, as there’s nothing he enjoys more than making high-falutin’ cultured people suffer.

    Garfield “Forget it! Last time that happened the awkwardness and shame lasted weeks…”

  86. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-”After getting my ass handed to me by Clown-9 and Kraven’s chimps and that elephant humiliating that driver sure feels good.”

  87. Marc
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    A3G- What is for the firemen exactly? I feel like I’m missing something here because this seems so out of context. I mean, not that there is much context in this strip to begin with, but I really can’t follow it here.

    Cranky- Crankshaft crashed his neighbors train set? That’s a shocking and unexpected development on par with the sun rising today.

    Funky- See? Strokes can be funny. Well not so much funny, or clever, or even mildly amusing.

    Luann- “So Brad, how do you feel?”
    “I feel…… right Toni, I feel right.”

    Mark Trail- Either Mark is Jedi mind tricking the fuck out of Rod Bassey, or Rod is the most easily influenced person in the history of the world.

    Mary Worth- This is all leading up to John a jumbotron marriage proposal to Mary during intermission.

    Pros & Cons- I love this strip.

  88. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#26): nope.

    (see Newspaper Comics under Comic Books for some examples that look mmmmmmmighty familiar.)

  89. Ian Beste
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#65): “Uzbeks have stolen your engine!”

  90. Majicou
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Bizarro: Teenagers, hell. If the average production of Hamlet has taught us anything, it’s that Hamlet is about 36, and Gertrude is about 38.

  91. Marc
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#75): Lipstick, blush, eye shadow. It’s a total clusterfuck.

  92. bats :[
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#72): the really Really REALLY important thing about today’s 9CL is that THERE’S A KITTY!

  93. Lenoxus
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    I’ll never forget the scene when Cameron Diaz came back from the dead in There’s Nothing Natural About Mary.

  94. pugfuggly
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    A3G “Everyone…it…out…of…the…building…I’ve covered…the dead…with my…special blend…of…herbs and spices….”

    FW Hey, did you ever read the book Misery and thought “this story is pretty good, but it could really use a ton of bad puns and an ever bleaker outlook on life”. Well, you’re in luck…

  95. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Brad DeGroot now has the kind of lips that, in the Evans universe, signify he is ‘experienced’.
    //Ewwww.

  96. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    I assume everyone knows the deal with Scott Adams and Dilbert’s tie curling up. With Evans, it’s lips.

  97. Mary Worthless
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#77):

    The cake is pink and so is the “cream pie”.

    Very tasty, with just a hint of Geritol.

  98. TheDiva
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    9CL: Victor Borge didn’t have this much shenanigans in his concerts.

    A3G: I can’t be the only one who’s hearing Aristotle’s line in the voice of the giants from MirrorMask.

    C’shaft: It’s funny because Crankshaft destroys everything that anybody loves.

    FW: It’s funny because Anne is going to torture her infirm husband.

    Lio: Relax, Lio, they just want you to read aloud to them.

    Luann: Evans thinks this is what couples do. That explains a lot.

    MT: “Just give me a few minutes to hide the evi–I mean, tidy up…!”

  99. Dood
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#89): Tomorrow is “What Fits Into Santa Royale.”

  100. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Luann-”How Lovely to Be a Woman” sung by that guy.

    MW-Will Dill be the current person to kill himself over being rejected by Mary Worth? Aldo went out in a fiery car wreck what will Dill do.

  101. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#92): …So everything in 9CL is a set-up for pootie jokes? It all makes so much more sense now!

    Not that it actually makes sense, you understand.

  102. Jon the Red
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    “Hopefully one with a happy ending!” Mr. Dill shrieks gleefully. Mary Worth is talking about cakes telling a story, but his mind is already past the cake and onto a celebratory massage.

  103. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#100): “Blue Velvet” will do just fine, I think.

  104. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    MW: Okay, John Dill has just officially entered freako territory. Note also that becoming romantically obsessed with Mary Worth has a historical tendency to shorten one’s life. But at least he’s keeping with the nature theme, since he apparently wants to marry Mary in a Druid ceremony.

    S-M: Yeah, I’m sorry, the mom jeans are ruining your badass vigilante moment.

    MT: Mark is such a skilled ventriloquist that he can throw his voice into Rod Bassy’s butt. You could do a whole comic strip just about that.

    Ziggy: “But Ziggy, you’re in Mexi—“
    “NO EXCUSES!”

    FW: Yes, relearning all the basics of life under the tutelage of a woman who thinks she ruined her life by marrying you. This should be good and soul-killing.

    Archie: The good news for Midge is that her birth control is covered by a humanitarian grant.

    JP: You can argue about heart health, but using a boatload of butter did give Abbey an excuse to go boat shopping.

    BB: What’s beautiful about this is Gen Halftrack’s perfect angry drunk slouch. He looks like he’s about to take a wild swing at the bartender and puke on the trivia machine.

    Luann: Ah, I remember asking a woman I loved if I could do her blush. Of course she was my mother and I was six, so yeah, this is Brad.

    SSmith: It’s not the profanity that Miz Prunelly wants to avoid. It’s just that the limerick asserts the existence of a “Nantucket” while she’s teaching that the entire state of Massachusetts is a blasphemous lie.

    Lockhorns: Loretta picked the right time to tell Leroy about the couple she hacked up while they were making out in the park.

    A3G: “Nice white suit. Hey, come with me! This EMT’ll freak if we make him think you’re God.”

  105. Downpuppy, Forever
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    I was going to try to date Archie based on a kid looking at unreliable weather forecasts in a newspaper, but : Who the hell are those two? The female looks like Veronica, but she’s an only child. Is the large blond guy Moose? Was there a booty call?

    Baffled I am.

  106. Poteet
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    MW — That carving is Mother Nature, and her looking just like Mary is a result of John’s fragile mind cracking wide open under the stress of competitive cake decorating. We’re just lucky the carving is not nude and pointing to her ladyparts as a symbol of Nature’s secrets.

  107. The Flash III
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Wasn’t this cake contest supposed to have a theme of nature or something. I remember thinking, “That first hideously pink cake he made will never work with that theme” and yet, here he is with a hideous pink cake again. And yes, I actually thought that.

  108. spotshouse
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Is it just me, or did Peter Parker do a quick-change between panels two and three into a (pretty nice) jeans skirt? On to Las Vegas!

  109. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    MW – Again I say: WTF does that cake have to do with nature?

    This is PROOF POSITIVE that the creators of this strip are purposely messy with the posters on this site!

  110. CanuckDownSouth
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    The only good thing about John Dill’s candy carving is that he’s managed to find a flattering pose for Agatha Harkness.

    @Downpuppy, Forever (#105): Midge and her boyfriend Moose.

  111. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#87): Fact: 19 out of 20 Crankshaft scripts are scraps of paper with the words “Crankshaft is a dick, somehow” scribbled on them.

  112. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    since it has been so long since I found squee for bats :[ prior to today, I thought I’d go a bit further afield.

    excessively kewt batgirl.

    almost as kewt batgirl. (everything is cuter with hair decs!)

    Catholic schoobatgirl.

    (monstergirls, sfw, site is a tumblr with some nsfw images.)

  113. Uncle Lumpy
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#106):

    That carving is Mother Nature …

    You’re just showing off ’cause you know her personally.

  114. AhClem
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Luann – Why do I get the feeling that Evans has stumbled upon a lipstick fetish porn site?

  115. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#88):

    Curses! I followed your link to TV Tropes, got caught up in a discussion of alternative interpretations of the characters in Dragon Age: Origins, then was about to click on a link to the entry for the old Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri game before I snapped out of it and managed to escape in the nick of time!

  116. Downpuppy, Forever
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#110): Ahh – thanks. Last time I saw Midge she was still short.

    So why is Moose reading a broadsheet?

  117. Hibbleton
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MW: Happy ending ..cake contest.. Is Dill going to wow everyone a la that “American Pie” movie? Because that might just be crazy enough to win this thing!

    (would also explain the difficulty in carrying the cake to the table)

  118. AhClem
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#106):

    MW — That carving is Mother Nature, and her looking just like Mary is a result of John’s fragile mind cracking wide open under the stress of competitive cake decorating. We’re just lucky the carving is not nude and pointing to her ladyparts as a symbol of Nature’s secrets.

    We should consider ourselves extremely lucky that the artists for Dick Tracy are not drawing this strip.

  119. Mibbitmaker
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#104): re: MW: ….unless one is a loved one of Mary’s, or related to a loved one of Mary’s — then she sends you to Vietnam (in 1968, if she had her way).

  120. Amos Snarkadder
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @ #72 RV Pasdordan
    “… Platonic dialogue”
    Or, colonic dialogue?

  121. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#106): I’ve seen those Sheela Na Gig statues. You speak truth, verily.

  122. Mibbitmaker
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#109): Dill has “cast” Mary as Mother Nature.

  123. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#122): Too bad for Dill! You don’t “fool around” with Mother Nature.

  124. Downpuppy, Forever
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#118): You mean you wouldn’t love a cake decorating contest with Dick Tracy, Gravel Gertie, Phishface & Measles?

  125. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Downpuppy, Forever (#116): Yeah, who taught Moose to read?

  126. Brick Bradford
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    MW Mary made Dill crazy with all that filth about practicing to get the rhythm in sync, now she’s going to pay the price.

    JP “A boatload of butter”. Thus the latest murder plot begins to unfold.

    RM Things could be lived up considerably if one of these strippers actually stripped. So long as Rex doesn’t!

    A&J Nice shout out.

  127. Calico
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    Can I get one of those pink Mary figurines for my dashboard?
    How totally awesome.

  128. Steve
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    “Man, that felt good,” sneered Peter Parker, as he strutted into Death Valley, with nothing but a backpack and his overconfidence, oblivious to his impending death.

    Finally the writers of “The Newspaper Amazing Spiderman” have found an appropriate end for a “hero” noted primarily for his undeserved ego and blinding incompetence.

  129. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#72): re Ziggy… I was going to expound on a somewhat racist theory I have about Chinese buffet restaurants (it involves the Mafia, indentured immigrants, and a forced use of an ineffective cleaning liquid). However, I am reminded of the last time I visited one of these establishments, and it was indeed crewed almost entirely by a group of Hispanics (including ownership). NTTAWWT.

    Of course, the local Mexican-food chain is crewed by a team which seems to be from New Jersey, but they don’t allow them to talk to customers unless they know a few words of Spanish.

  130. Mibbitmaker
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Stone Soup: Sure, the situation legitimately says, “Read up on the topic to get all the relevant facts, history, and other things, helped out by books, magazines, and even (cautiously) Wikipedia (that also being closed off here). This is a written paper for school, for crying out loud!”
    – But the facial expression says, “HATE TV! HATE video! HATE screens! Kill all entertainment! I’m an insufferable snob!”

    BC: Lead time in the Stone Age.

    DT: “I’m a doctor, dammit, not a skeleton!”

    Doones: If she were real, Generalissimo Francisco Franco would’ve run into her by now.

    HotC: Cartoon judgmentalism vs. national treasures Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, Tex Avery, Bob Clampett, the Fleischers, Hanna/Barbera (MGM), etc.
    Classic Animators FTW!

    PBS: ….unless she’s into carnies.

  131. Clint Brawny
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Can Garfield’s feet get any bigger?

  132. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff

    “Earl Pickles” is just being charitable — Heathcliff’s vent act isn’t uncanny at all.

    It’s bad enough that his audience can see his big fat cat lips moving while “Mr. Nutmeg” supposedly talks. But jeepers creepers, he doesn’t sound a thing like
    the old man…

    http://www.gocomics.com/heathcliff/2013/02/01

  133. commodorejohn
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    If Mary Worth is Mother Nature, she’s the oldschool one. You know, the one to whom you might have to “offer” one of your villagers to keep the corn growing. After all, “I’ve heard it said, ‘You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.’”

  134. Stev0
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    The fourth unseen panel has Peter saying “I can’t wait to post it to my MySpace page!”

  135. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    MW— The plot takes a sinister turn, as John practices carving up Mary.

    No? OK, how about this one:

    MW— Wishing to emulate creepy cult leader Warren Jeffs, John prepares an image of Mary’s appearance once she becomes one of his wives.

  136. pugfuggly
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Steve (#128):

    I don’t think he’ll even get the chance to die of thirst. Sooner or later that thug is going to find his keys and presumably run him down with his car. If this were regular Spiderman, his spider-sense might warn him, but Newspaper Spidey…?

  137. Mibbitmaker
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    MW: Somewhere, that harried housewife from the ’70s that’s always enduring TV commercial characters on The Carol Burnett Show is sitting down, reading the comic section of the newspaper, thinking she can relax and read Mary Worth today. What she sees there is Mr. Whipple, and a spiteful looking “Mother Nature”.

    She screamed, and went into the bathroom to flush the Tidy Bowl Man again.

  138. Northern lurker
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    MW; that’s Mary of Assissi.

  139. giraffe-o
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Apparently, there was a superhero named ‘Tenterhook’ : http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/p/photonik.htm . He has some hook-spiky things coming out of his head and chin… and the ability to fly to outerspace. Presumably, to dry out clothes, or something?

  140. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#120): Platonic, colonic, it’s all philosophy to me.

  141. pugfuggly
    February 1st, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @Northern lurker (#138):

    Actually, I can’t ever remember any kind of wild animal ever appearing in Mary Worth. Hmmmm….is Santa Royale in a hermetically sealed bubble to preserve its seniors, or is it just that all the animals are booked solid for Mark Trail?

  142. Cloudbuster
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: 1) Brooke sullies Scheherazade by giving Drusilla the credit. 2) That’s a really gross amount of pubic hair penis-head genie is showing off, there.

  143. Dartpaw86
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Wondering (#7):

    Because they’re on live TV. But the real question is, why is it facing their left sides/backs? Shouldn’t it be facing them from the front?

  144. bbofun
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn- add to the list of Brooke’s offenses that he somehow equates Scheherazade (who was just trying to live) with a succubus.

    MW- Hmm- so many ways this could go-
    A) Will Mary be freaked out by the figure of her as Mother nature and drop the cake, shattering her likeness AND John Dill’s dreams?
    B) Will Dr. Drew(who is, of course, watching the contest at the hospital), suddenly, in a fit of jealousy, storm the contest and challenge Dill to a duel?
    C) will John and Mary (see- “John and Mary!” It’s destiny!) win the contest, but then, when John attempts to kiss her, Mary explains that she is not attracted to him except as a friend- whereupon John drives to the baking supply shop, buys a large bottle of cooking brandy, and drives over a cliff?

    No, the answer is D) Mary gently explains to John that she has a boyfriend, but that she thinks they are great friends, and John should look for love elsewhere, john bucks up, they win the contest, and, hey- there’s an “attractive” (by Mary Worth standards) woman at the contest who shows an interest in him.

  145. Cloudbuster
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    FW: This is truly horrifying. I mean it. Seriously, if there is “the lighter side of being a stroke victim,” this isn’t it! The way Fred is treated as a prop for all the mind-bendingly inappropriate jokes is really creepy. The only way you can find humor in such a situation is to have the stroke sufferer himself making the jokes. Instead, he’s the butt of the jokes. This may be a new low for Funky Winkerbean.

  146. Cloudbuster
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#145): BTW, regarding yesterday’s “Maybe this was God’s way of telling you to slow down a little.” The only appropriate response to that is “Fuck you!” Really, would any of you have the gall to say that to a friend or loved one who just had a stroke?

  147. Dartpaw86
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy, Forever (#105):

    I don’t know if anyone already answered this but the woman is Moose’s girlfriend Midge.

  148. Dartpaw86
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy, Forever (#116):

    The better question is, “Moose can read!?”

  149. flatsixes
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    MT: Is anyone else beginning to get a little concerned that Rod Bassy may be hiding something in his van? Like maybe a teen-aged corpse? “Killer Lure’ indeed.

  150. Notebooked
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Terrible superhero, terrible carjacker. He must be between good and evil, because he’s crap at both of them.

  151. Kristian
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    Hmm. This could be Aldo mark II. Since Mary refuses to provide the “Happy ending,” John has to do it himself in the storeroom. This being Mary Worth, he actually does go blind from you know what.

    Stumbles out, trips over a cake, falls face first into some frosting and suffocates.

    Mary: “He really was … very sweet.”

  152. Little Guy
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    MT: We’ll find out that Rod Bassy’s lure is juiced up on HGH.

  153. Cranky
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    John Dill. Making Aldo look like a pussy since late 2012.

  154. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Remember that Brady Bunch in Hawaii where Greg found that tiki idol and bad luck happened to everyone who touched it? Yeah, that’s nothing next to what happens to those who touch the Tiki Mary.

  155. Little Guy
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#148): I think, years and years ago, they retconned Moose’s “DUHHHHH”ness to be due to undignosed dyslexia.

  156. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Cranky (#153):

    Compared to what John Dill is going to put her through (or put through her – hoooo!), getting rid of Aldo was a piece of cake!

  157. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    The only happy ending Jim Dill will get is shoving that ersatz Mary Worth in and out of his ass, dildo-style.

    // Here’s one for you, Dingo!

  158. commodorejohn
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#146): It’s pretty exemplary of Batiuk’s sociopathic outlook that his idea of “support” for a sick person is people hanging around the hospital room to make jokes at his expense. Christ, even Job’s friends weren’t such assholes.

  159. Notebooked
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#144): Mary, Wilbur and Dr. Chinbeard stage an intervention for John, preparing an a capella number about how repulsive he is. However, the whole thing takes a tragic turn when Wilbur’s belly-fat separates from his body during a tap-dancing machine and forms a bloblike monster with a craving for cake. Will Dr. Chinbeard’s amazing detachable beard be able to thwart the fat-formed fiend?! Or will the Santa Monica cake-contest be in total and utter cake-ophony?! Tune in next time to–oh. Uh. Sorry. I used to work as the voiceover at the end of serials.

    “John and Mary”, eh? That a reference to a certain BBC radio show?

  160. Dartpaw86
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Notebooked (#159):

    Okay, I would rather read that than Mary Worth :D
    As crazy as it sounds, it’s still a better story.

  161. Government Cheese
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    SM: “Man that felt good” – he’s saying that because he dropped a deuce in the car before leaving.

    Luann: “The Crying Game” soundtrack is playing in the background.

    MW: The real kicker is that the cake is filled with feces. It explains the Mary figurine on top.

  162. TheDiva
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#144): That’s Brooke McEldowney for you. If a sexual angle doesn’t exist, he will happily provide one. He’s like Rule 35 incarnate.

  163. Downpuppy, Forever
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Notebooked (#159): Surely John & Mary is the 1969 Dustin Hoffman/Mia Farrow classic which started with them sleeping together but soon had entire audiences sleeping?

  164. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#91):

    Yep, and I thought it was bad enough yesterday, but I’ve been proven wrong yet again!

  165. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Both Rimsky and Korsakov are spinning in their graves.

  166. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#109):

    That along with the term “Happy Ending”!

  167. Shrug, with a Crumby Joke
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Greg (#53):

    “MW: I don’t know about you, but whenever I eat cake I ask myself, What story is this telling? ”

    A slice of life?

  168. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#145) Re: FW— Batiuk has decided that his brilliance should be a source of enlightenment concerning all sorts of disorders: cancer, suicide, dismemberment, PTSD and so forth. So I’m sure he believes that the current story idea is a stroke of genius.

  169. terrapin
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    MW: If this strip is following a House of Wax plot line as was mentioned somewhere above, John Dill is going to die falling into a giant vat of bubbling cake batter.

    MT: “Tackle? I don’t play football, Trail! Oh wait…tackle is fishing stuff, right? Yeah. I know that ‘cuz I’m a fisher-guy.”

  170. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    “It sounds like two wet chicken breasts slapping.” What comic today matches this description?

  171. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    FW: Since her moment of insight that her marriage to Fred had ruined her life, Anil had been in a deep depression. Realizing that her lifelong tormentor was now helpless and at her mercy brightened her mood considerably. “I’m a hard grader, you sonofabitch. A hard grader indeed!” she thought, smirking.

  172. Government Cheese
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

  173. commodorejohn
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

  174. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#142): Happy trails to you. . . .

    bumbadeeda, bumbadeeda.

  175. bats :[
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    Then again, give this a few more minutes and we might see some Lucha Libre, Santa Royale-style!

  176. Calico
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @Clint Brawny (#131):
    Is he Polydactly? Enquiring minds want to know!

  177. bats :[
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#112): Ah, a whole site. I like to think that you do spend some of your waking hours waiting for Tu’i to drop in, work, lunch, etc., etc. :)

  178. Chip Whittle
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Wait, Herb and Jamaal killed a guy in a Japanese internment camp in 1945? What does their confession written in blood even say? “We found this person who wasn’t doing anything and after what we did now he’s doing more of it?”

  179. Calico
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    Annnnnd Mary finally gets to be on top!

  180. Calico
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#176):
    If so, more dinero for the vet when he gets his nails clipped.

  181. Mary Worthless
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    On another note, why is Mary aking cookies at a cake contest?

    I would have expected salmon squares, but cookies?

  182. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#177): what, and risk missing a bats :[ mash-up?!? NEVAR!!!

    :-P

    I found that tumblir a month or so back while on a monstergirl kick, archive browsed it on a weekend. Finding stuff for you on a whim was made easy by use of the search function. Gotta love site-search functions. :-D

    next project, bookmarking my bookmarks. . . .

  183. tallyHO
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    For all three featured strips there’s a song that could fit nicely:
    The Doors’ song that goes “come on, come on, touch me, baby”.

    John Dill would take that figurine and model it for the cameras while the song plays.
    Peter Parker walks away triumphantly while the Vegas style horns in the song play.
    And, Garfield (bah, no one wants to consider how the song applies to Garfield).

  184. Calico
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#6):
    I take it you have heard of the awful joke about the guy who cheats on his wife. It involves a fire, a vise, and a handsaw.

  185. Calico
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    I should say about the guy who cheats on another guy’s wife. Same horrible outcome, though.

  186. Droopy Says
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#91): If a lot of make-up obscures B-wad’s face, it could be an improvement . . . oh, wait, it would just be a different kind of repugnant.

  187. tallyHO
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    that’s pretty funny, @Shrug, with a Crumby Joke (#167):

    //he writes, reading comments in reverse order

  188. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#172): What kind of prevert are you? Don’t think I’m not looking at you too, @commodorejohn (#173).

    @Mary Worthless (#181): Mary Worth plays by Mary Worth’s rules and no one else.

  189. Gal Friday
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    AS-M Unseen panel 4: Peter running back to help the mugger find his car keys after realizing how many miles it is to Vegas.

  190. Daniel
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    MW Mary Butterworth? Or some Robert Graves-esque New Cretan idol? Down with Dobeis!

  191. pugfuggly
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Mary Worthless (#181):

    Spoiler Alert: the cake, icing and statue of Mary are all made of salmon. What better represents the beauty of nature than canned fish?

  192. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#48):

    Curtis: I don’t know… I don’t… even…. *sigh*

    “I am a dolt” is at least accurate, if not for the reasons Greg thinks.

  193. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Kristian (#151): FTFY:

    Mary: “He really was … very sweet.”

    (Puts on sunglasses.)

    YEEEEEAAAARRRGGGHHH

  194. Inkwell
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    Garfield did the “Garfield dates Jon” joke years ago. Only it was better then, because Jim was willing to do a stronger visual gag than “eyelashes”.

    I’m not bitter. Why would I be bitter about the declining art in a once-popular cartoon that has gradually descended to clip art hell, taking my childhood with it?

  195. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#182): If your bookmarks are getting out of hand, try del.icio.us. I have literally thousands of them, organized by tag (there’s no other way). It’s really a good system.

  196. John C
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    I can’t wait for the moment that Mark Trail tells Rod Bassy without any sense of irony, “Rod, you’re going to JAIL for using an illegal BAIT technique!”

  197. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#195): You have thousands of bookmarks? You know there’s this thing called “Google,” right? Wow. I thought I was slack with maybe a hundred or so bookmarks, of which I use maybe 20. Thousands? Wow.

  198. tallyHO
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#30):

    Surely the opposite would be more delightful.
    If Mary’s confidence is shaken about her ability to carry the cake then Confectious Mary will inspire her with confidence.

    Confectious Mary will tell Mary:
    “A virtuous person does not define themselves by the food they carry but by the food they carry with others”

    It will also say, “Please eat me and put me out of my misery, Mary!”

  199. Voshkod
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#170): If you want a picture of future Ziggy comics, imagine two wet chicken breasts slapping — forever.

  200. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#199): AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

  201. Aviatrix
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    Comics Sometimes Featuring Oboes: 9CL, CdS, FW
    Comics Featuring Oboes That Make Me Laugh: CdS

    A3G: I was okay with bending reality for the sake of comic expediency by having a non-fire department paramedic work inside a burning building, but the experience snaps when the paramedic himself points out that the building is still dangerously on fire.

    Slylock: I’m new to reading (or even spelling the name of) this comic, but why is he showng kids how to draw a fat bald man on a scale, when clearly what they want to draw is thin androgynous people with shaggy hair? Is it out-of-touch or corrective action?

    DT: If this were Mary Worth (and maybe Mary had meddled a pink cake until it leapt through a mausoleum window) the bones would be drawn completely differently on Thursday and Friday, and we’d all be trying to figure out (a) what species the skeleton belonged to and (b) whether it was re-animated, or just inconsistent artwork. Except nothing that interesting would happen in Mary Worth.

    BB: Next in this series of misguided PSAs featuring things people believed in the 1970s: “Douching with Coca Cola is an effective method of birth control.”

    Phantom: Keep your cool, man with suitcase-sized laptop. Say, “It’s not? We got the wrong lion? How do you know? Can you help us get the right one?” Even if purple spandex guy found one of the shocking devices he can’t prove anything. It’s not like you have any logical motive to introduce more danger to the area you already have the right to mine.

  202. Alter Ego
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    love is… speculating about who the father was.

  203. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#199): moob-ity moob-ity moobmoobmoob.

    *runs screaming after Baka Gaijin*

  204. commodorejohn
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#188): Don’t look too closely, I might start dropping links.

  205. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#204): Uh, yeah, they have meds now if you have premature dropping of bookmarks.

  206. Dood
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    OK, everyone sing along, I don’t care if it’s pink or scary, long as I’ve got my tiny-cake Mary…

  207. Bobdog
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    This Mary Worth storyline seems like total Josh bait…

  208. Dood
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    Poor John Dill. No one’s going to trade him a Little Debbie for his Mary Worth.

  209. sully
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    Less than 5 minutes later, having easily found his car keys in the inch-deep desert puddle, the enraged highway mugger ran down Parker from behind at a high rate of speed, and left his mangled corpse on the road, to be picked at by the circling vultures. In the end, the victim’s supposed ‘Spider-sense’ was, again, totally ineffective as a warning to danger, because he was too preoccupied ‘feeling good’.

  210. Peanut Gallery
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#47):

    What bird is pink that isn’t a flamingo?

    Rana answered that yesterday!

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#55): So, she’s giving him the bird?

    @sighing maiden, still sighing (#57): That can’t be right. If it were St. Joseph, she’d be holding an aspirin. A pink, cherry-flavored baby aspirin.

  211. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    I love that hipster-retro RCA TK11A TV camera hiding in the corner of Mary Worth. Looove it!

  212. Peanut Gallery
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    My Cage – Unable to take any more of Norm’s ceaseless prattling, Bridget has cunningly fashioned a lifelike mannequin of herself and propped it up on the couch.

    RMMD – What’s with Rex’s arm in panel 1? Looks like he’s about to act out the finale of Akira. But in panel 3, he’s just showing off his duelling scars.

  213. Shrug, Being a Bit of a Dip
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#210):

    Other answers of course include “a penguin that has just fallen in a vat of Pepto-Bismal, a sparrow that has just fallen in a vat of Pepto-Bismal, a cassowary that has just fallen in a very big vat of Pepto-Bismal,” and so on.

  214. GG
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: You know, for most of us being stranded on a desert highway while leaving a potentially dangerous criminal completely on the loose would not qualify as “feeling good.” But then again I should note that this is literally the most successful crime-fighting I’ve ever seen newspaper strip Spider-Man do. With limited mental power comes utter irresponsibility! That is how his motto goes, right?

  215. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    TASM: And now, to slip into something more comfortable.

  216. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#100):

    I thought of a way Dill could kill himself. He could bake himself into one of his cakes.

    “You love my cakes but you don’t love me, Mary. We’ll here’s a way so you can love me and my cakes and when you are eating this a part of me will be inside of you.”

  217. pastordan, on the road
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#197): I’ve been a blogger for almost nine years, and wrote a book. Stuff accumulates.

  218. Peanut Gallery
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#154):

    Remember that Brady Bunch in Hawaii where Greg found that tiki idol and bad luck happened to everyone who touched it?

    I’m not sure. Is that the one where, at the end, they realized it was just a series of wacky coincidences, and everyone had a hearty laugh?

  219. Voshkod
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#218): Surprisingly, no. This is the one that ended with Alice announcing that Jan Brady’s airplane had been shot down over the South China Sea, and that there were no survivors.

  220. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-”Man that felt good making that guy watch while I had my way with his car.”

  221. 4015 red delicious
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    MW – Somewhere between the main characters of Disney heritage and the Virgin Mary stands Mary Worth. John Dill knows this and he wants to be part of the fairy tale. Meticulously he carves his confectioner’s fetish, the likeness of which is uncanny to the real Ms. Worth. Its almost as though Mr. Dill has carved her likeness before. Many times, even. Its almost as though Mr. Dill has studied this face… that form… that it has somehow been etched upon his mind in much the same way as he etches her features into the marzipan. Quaint though it may seem, these are not the actions of a healthy, normal man. They are the actions of a man obsessed… obsessed with a posession so close, and yet so unreachable.
    He would take her right there in a fit of awkward, wrinkly, arthritic passion. He has feigned an innocent brush with her posterior more than once, but through the cushioning of her Depends, it has gone unnoticed. How he longs to cast those Depends to the floor and have his way with her wrinkled, sagging body.
    “It’s not just a pipe-dream, Johhny boy. Keep carving that marzipan and she won’t be able to resist your charms.” Your charms. Your contrived, darkly intended charms…

  222. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#184):

    Can’t say that I have but I have an idea how it goes.

  223. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#219):

    Then, she woke up in bed next to Suzanne Pleshette, realized that it had all been a dream, and recommended that Suzanne wear sweaters more often.

  224. Austria
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    BC: *slow clap*

    FW: He’s starting to remind me of Stan’s grandpa, the one on South Park. Remember that guy? This is just….uncomfortable.

    H&L: I’m certain I’ve seen this before. Probably in Zits, and it was just as unfunny then. Tell me, oh wise son-of-the-son-of-the-original-cartoonist(s), how exactly does one exchange a playlist?

    Luann: Told you. I really, really hope TJ walks in on this.

    MW: He’s going to propose on live national TV, of course. It will be queasy and awkward and hilarious.

  225. Peanut Gallery
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, on the road (#217): Come now, surely most of those bookmarks are for sermons to steal from. ;-)

  226. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    FW-She is also a grammar Nazi and will correct if you say something grammatically wrong.

  227. 4015 red delicious
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    SM – “That was a rhetorical question, douchebag!”
    “Oh, really? Well, here’s my rhetorical answer…” and before he gets out of the car, Peter Parker loudly releases a rancid stench from his bowels. “Man, that felt good!”

    Garfield – I always knew Arlene was a shill.

  228. Majicou
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#224): As the son of a son of an original cartoonist, I’ve gone out on the seas for adventure…

    @Little Guy (#155): Oh, that was a great plan from the AJGLU-3000. Realizing that maybe they shouldn’t make a mentally retarded kid the butt of jokes, and making him a dyslexic kid who acts as though he were mentally retarded and is still the butt of jokes.

  229. Majicou
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#224): Actually, on the topic of exchanging playlists, I’m pretty sure I saw a Samsung commercial recently about people exchanging playlists on their phones via near-field communication. After all, they are just files… though you’d have to have identical music collections for them to actually work. Maybe these kids are exchanging HTML or XML listings of their playlists, or even just discussing what they usually listen to.

    Definitely not funny, though.

  230. Notebooked
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Must…hack…through…overgrowth of comments! Must…provide…reply! Must…put…ellipses after every word!

    @Dartpaw86 (#160): Athankyou. [bows, bows] And guh, it was supposed to be a tap-dancing routine, not a tap-dancing machine.

    @Downpuppy, Forever (#163): Oho? I didn’t know that. The version I thought of was the 60′s-to-70′s BBC sketch show I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again, which featured recurring characters John and Mary, played by John Cleese and Jo Kendall, a rather bitter married couple.

    Mary: John?
    John: Yes, Mary?
    Mary: Say you love me.
    John: I love you.
    Mary: You’re just saying that! Oh, John…once we had something good, and beautiful, and pure…what happened to it?
    John: You spent it all.

  231. Dale
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    SPIDERMAN

    How much is the proportionate strength of a spider?
    How does it apply to Peter Parker?
    General physical strength. Ability to run and jump. Walk away from a 500 foot fall.
    His bones must be proportionately strong, or the muscular strength wouldn’t do any good. He’d be constantly breaking himself.
    Wouldn’t bullets fail to penetrate his skin?

  232. Ratiocinator
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Bad luck for Edda! Yay!

    FW: It’s funny because Fred seems to be genuinely terrified of his scary wife, you see.

    Luann: By the end of 2013, people will be saying “You know, Luann turned into a comic strip about forced feminization so gradually that I didn’t even notice.”

    RMMD: Oh, did you think you could finally read Rex Morgan without having your eyes assaulted by nostril fetish imagery? Then you were woefully unprepared for panel two of today’s strip.

    Delores does have a lovely nose, though…AUGH NO, NOW THEY’VE TURNED ME INTO ONE OF THEM!

  233. DaveyK
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    I wonder how good it will feel when the driver realizes he can locate his keys without much difficulty by just looking at the tiny trickle of water Peter tossed them into, and then runs Peter down along the side of this deserted road?

  234. Ratiocinator
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#26):

    Maybe Neddie is taking out all the money to buy cruise tickets to Mexico?

    Could she be going to Mexico…to die?????

  235. Anachrosaurus
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    JP:
    “I slathered it with Romano and a boatload of butter, of my own invention.”
    “You mean…?”
    “Yes! I’ve finally found a use for my raging galactorrhea!”

  236. commodorejohn
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#232): By the end of 2013, people will be saying “You know, Luann turned into a comic strip about forced feminization so gradually that I didn’t even notice.”

    COTW nominee!

  237. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    MW-So Dill wants a happy ending to go with his cake. I’m pretty sure that the white stuff won’t be frosting.

    MW 2-Dill, if you want a happy ending don’t look towards Mary there are a lot of massage parlors that can do happy endings.

  238. Liam
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @DaveyK (#233):

    That will feel like a happy ending worthy of being made into a three tiered all pink cake.

  239. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    For queek: a comic with a corgi in it.

  240. Ratiocinator
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Holly Folly (#56): I remember reading one strip where Jon dressed Garfield as a little kid so that the restaurant would admit him.

    But usually he and Garfield have just gone to restaurants as themselves. Or maybe it’s just that diner that Irma runs (which, given how many health regulations they’re breaking already, has no objection to animals on the premises, I guess).

  241. KreatureFeatures
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Rod Bassy, save yourself some van-related anxiety. Keep your illegal gear in an unmarked van.

  242. Ratiocinator
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#236): TYVM. I can only hope! :)

  243. Pumpkin
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    At the end of this storyline I really hope we get to see Peter Parker watching a special report on the terrible and lonely death of a stranded motorist and thinking ‘Man, if only Spiderman had been there……”

  244. Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    I started out with a mild distaste for Mr. Dill, since his name to me evokes flavors that I don’t really want to associate with confections, and that distaste has blossomed into a complete disgust now that he’s made clear he wants to worship Mary as the living image of a medieval monk with an uncanny relationship with animals. Please restrain yourself, Mr. Dill. This is neither beautiful nor natural.

  245. MySpoonIsTooBig
    February 1st, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Luann- Sigh. Guys wearing makeup used to be one of my favorite things. Now it’s forever tainted with the pudgy fucking face of Brad.

  246. Ratiocinator
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#176): That would make them wider, but not longer.

  247. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#168): So I’m sure he believes that the current story idea is a stroke of genius.

    I see what you did there.

  248. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#245): I recommend several viewings of Eddie Izzard on YouTube to reset your brain.

  249. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, on the road (#217): Is that a stealth brag? It sounds like a stealth brag. Well, I’ve read a book and read a blog for nine years. So there.

    @Peanut Gallery (#218): That sounds like an episode of “Donnie and Marie.” This Brady Bunch episode features the never shown original ending where the TWA plane crashed into the Sheraton Waikiki, killing all the Bradys including Oliver and Don Ho.

    @Voshkod (#219): Ha ha ha!

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#223): One of the best sitcom series’ endings ever. Ever.

    @Ratiocinator (#240): Maybe Garfield’s a “companion animal?”

    In the “Not Quite Right” category, a grocery store ad came on the TV with the “Hot Diggity Dog” song touting the store’s sale on boneless chicken breasts. Yes, the words “hot diggity dog digitty” were repeated a few times.

  250. Dennis Jimenez
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    MW – That’s Ms. Butterworth, to you….

  251. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @ArgurlInirl (#251): Ugh. Spam for dinner.

  252. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @ArgurlInirl (#251): What areas, specifically, does your employer touch?

  253. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    I hope Uncle Lumpy doesn’t delete that spam. It’s hilarious and it DOES reference BC, after all!

  254. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#253): What areas, specifically, does your employer touch?

    Here, why don’t you show me, using this marzipan figurine of Mary Worth?

  255. tallyHO
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Jesus.

    I think I just realized that the Wonder Twins invented the Fist Bump.

    Give due diligence, everyone!

    //what does this have to do with anything? maybe nothing. perhaps it is inconsequential and even if I tried I couldn’t tie it into “Mary Worth” or “Apt. 3G” or even “Spider-Man” (who would probably have webbing all over his fist anyhow if he tried it; the practical joker!)

  256. Voshkod
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    It’s sad when a spambot has a stroke.

  257. Voshkod
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#257): Self, I think you just thought up the next Funky Winkerbean storyline!

  258. Baka Gaijin
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

  259. Aviatrix
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @GG (#214): That sequence makes a lot more sense when you realize that before censorship, nothing illegal happened here. (Unless maybe they’ve driven to Utah). It wasn’t a gun that Peter broke (with the proportional strength of a gazelle) before throwing the car keys in a puddle and storming off in a huff. This interpretation will continue to make more sense tomorrow as the car pulls up beside Peter, the driver wheedling, “Aw c’mon, babe don’t be that way. Cute ass like that, you get in my car, say you’re going to SF, fall asleep on my shoulder, what am I supposed to think? Get back in. I’ll give you a blow job at the next rest stop?”

    //I also wish to point out that the open-necked bathrobe the driver is wearing in the third panel is original artwork.

  260. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#257): Think what Batiuk could do with that story line.

  261. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#225): Only 92.3% of them.

  262. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#258): Did not see your greatness before I posted my great idea.

  263. commodorejohn
    February 1st, 2013 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#253): Can you show us on the doll?

  264. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#249): Nah, not a stealth brag. This is a stealth brag: [*]. What I said above is just the simplest explanation for why I have so many bookmarks.

    Okay, so porn is the simplest explanation. This is the second simplest explanation.

    Okay, so pootie and corgi pics is the second simplest explanation…

    Perhaps I should quite while I’m ahead?

  265. Aviatrix
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @DAS (#4): Spiders are actually really good at hitchhiking. They climb into wheelwells and cargo containers then go all over the world. Never heard of one getting mugged.

  266. sighing maiden, still sighing
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#265): 10,000 people reading your writing would be more impressive. (Seriously, I am sympathetic. I have a personal business card that says “Highly Unsuccessful Writer” under my name.) I have never found a way to stealth-brag about my proudest accomplishment: in 1989 when my religious community sent me back to college, in order to save them a couple of bucks, I challenged and passed Survey of English Literature I and II. Once, I was a smart person. Too smart for my own good. Sigh.

  267. Shrug, Warning the Fork That Here Come de Judge
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    JUDGE PARKER:

    Absolutely no latecomers will be seated during the tense pasta-eating scene!

  268. Grossman
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    Say what you will comparing movie Spider-Man to comic strip Spider-Man, but at least the newspaper version doesn’t use Bing.

  269. Alison
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: What is this half-ass attempt, Mr. Dill? If you really wanted to impress Mary, you should have done a lot more than carve a cake figure of her. You should have carved whole scenes of her and all the wonderful things she has done and people she has helped with her meddling. A little cake Kidnapped Emily, a cake one-armed Jim, a cake Wilbur flying a kite, a cake Dawn with a little cake speech bubble saying “Life is brutal”, Aldo in a little cake-car with a cake-bottle of alcohol… Your attempt is just sad, Mr. Dill.

    “Spider-Man”: I don’t follow this comic very well so I don’t really know what’s happening. It looks to me like Peter’s getting a laugh out of abandoning some poor sap for no reason. I guess that’s not what’s supposed to be happening, but from what I know about Peter Parker’s character, I wouldn’t even be surprised if it was.

  270. Uncle Lumpy
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#270):

    … Aldo in a little cake-car with a cake-bottle of alcohol …

    I would eat the hell out of such a cake.

  271. Aviatrix
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    It seems inevitable that John will propose to Mary. She can’t accept: he’s just another meddle to her, but there remain so many possible outcomes.

    * She declines. Her gentle platitudes cause him to take it well and he goes on to enter another baking contest without her.
    * She declines. He doesn’t take it well, and pulls an Aldo. Her gentle platitudes reassure everyone that it wasn’t her fault.
    * She asks for time to consider it, so she doesn’t have to let him down on national TV. He is killed in a tragic accident before he receives her answer.
    * She asks for time to consider it. He disappears shortly afterwards. Mary’s roses grow well the next year.

  272. Horace Broon
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    @Notebooked (#230):
    “Oh, John, why do you have to be so cruel?”
    “I don’t have to be. I enjoy it. It’s purely voluntary.”

  273. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    @sighing maiden, still sighing (#267): Ha! I understand the feeling. At our highest point, my blog drew somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 unique visits a day, but we could spike all the way up to 30 or 50k, if we had a hot day. The book, on the other hand, was a complete and resounding flop.

  274. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#247) said: “I see what you did there.”

    Thanks for noticing. It’s not my usual style of punditry, but occasionally I’ll post something subtle.

  275. Harry F
    February 1st, 2013 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman. I’ll just get out and walk. Not because you are a criminal that I just let go and you’ll probably just find someone else to rob but because your rear wheel is ridiculously small and incapable of moving your auto.

  276. tallyHO
    February 1st, 2013 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#271):

    Would such a cake have Delicious, White Icing?

  277. Notebooked
    February 1st, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#273): Yes! Yeeees.
    “It’s just–all the screaming, and the crying, the getting up in the middle of the night, cooking rusks and changing wet nappies…I wouldn’t mind, if we had a baby!”

  278. Vince M
    February 1st, 2013 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#47): The Roseate Spoonbill!

  279. Vince M
    February 1st, 2013 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    @Holly Folly (#56): “Get Fuzzy” sometimes had Rob take Satchel and Bucky to a ‘Long John Silvers’ kind of place. Bucky in a cardboard pirate hat: priceless.

  280. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 1st, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#127):

    Can I get one of those pink Mary figurines for my dashboard?

    *snicker*
    Hail, Mary, fully puce…

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#140):

    Platonic, colonic, it’s all philosophy to me.

    Philosophy, colostomy, it’s all… never mind.

  281. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 1st, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Vince M (#279): Perfect on a cake!

  282. mary_worthless
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

  283. mary_worthless
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    Doesn’t even know his saints!!

  284. mary_worthless
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#61):
    Got a new baby out of the deal, too.

  285. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#272):

    * She asks for time to consider it. He disappears shortly afterwards. Mary’s roses grow well the next year.

    Ooh, I vote for this one!

  286. Dr. Pill
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#73): My mind ran along the same lines (just this once, pardon me). This cartoon will make a great “Garfield without Garfield” strip, but it also would make a dandy “Garfield without Jon” version.

  287. Dr. Pill
    February 1st, 2013 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth … she’s the icing on the cake!
    (After 287 comments, I’m the first with this? It cannot be …)

  288. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @mary_worthless (#284): If you knew me and my memory, you’d know confusing the saints is pretty par for the course.

  289. Sgt. Stoned
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    DT: Well, let’s see…first we have a thinly disguised Mr. Sulu, and now we have “Bones”. I….imagine that the….arresting officer in that…old..cold..case was none other than Police Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

    MW: I think that Dill is due for a “Charterstone intervention” ala Aldo Kelrast.

  290. demoncat4
    February 1st, 2013 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    and thus john has finaly become a full fledged worshiper of mary by incorporating that little cake tribute to her . wonder who will then complete the ritual of true joining by eating it later mary or john

  291. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 2nd, 2013 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#271):

    Love your logic!

    I vote for #4

  292. Marion Delgado
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    You people that make fun of the funny pages are not as hip and with it as they claim. It so happens there is a hot new show out called “Ace of Cakes” and cake contests are very hip and in style and all the “rave.” It’s 2006, people, get with the program!

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