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Cancer and the Funkyverse (not together, for once)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/7/13

I feel like I’m not lavishing as much attention on the story of the Party House With A Heart Of Gold and the Possibly Suicidal Cancer-Stricken Stripper in Rex Morgan as I should, but it turns out that tales of uninsured possibly suicidal cancer-stricken people are … actually kind of depressing? Still, my heart is buoyed by Rex’s palpable scheming in panel three. A magical pregnancy-predicting cancer-stricken stripper, eh? This sounds like something Rex can monetize for his clinic!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/7/13

Speaking of depressing stories about cancer, remember back in 2007 (side note: ugh, I am old) when Lisa was dying of cancer in Funky Winkerbean, and one of the questions was whether Darrin, the son she gave up for adoption, would meet his biological mother before she died, but also Darrin was courting Jessica, and she looked an awful lot like him, there were certain suspicions that they may have shared some biological parentage? Well, that turned out to be not the case, but even though this lady is actually his half-sister, not his stepsister, and is related to him via his adopted parents so there’s no genetic overlap, I still admit to being 100% squicked out that she put her hand on his knee in panel two.

Archie, 2/7/13

As is true for a lot of everyman viewpoint characters, Archie’s personality is actually not all that fleshed out, but if I had to describe it I guess I’d say he’s kind of feckless and oversexed. I certainly don’t think of him as being a fanatical athlete of any sort, nor as someone willing to risk exacerbating an injury when he could be hanging out at the ski lodge hitting on girls. Perhaps this is part of his class anxiety vis-a-vis Veronica’s family? Or perhaps the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000, in attempting to parse the human humor genre known as “slapstick,” has decided that if we’ll laugh at the antics of the Three Stooges or Looney Tunes characters, surely we’ll enjoy the thought of a teen boy flying down the slopes, teeth gritted in pain as his tendons tear horribly beyond repair.

Crankshaft, 2/7/13

Speaking of slapstick, some years ago Crankshaft introduced some loathsome yuppie neighbors who were even less likable than the strip’s title character, presumably so we’d laugh when Crankshaft attempted to physically assault them.

Shoe, 2/7/13

THEY’RE BIRDS ALL THESE CHARACTERS ARE BIRDS AND THEY’RE CRACKING WISE ABOUT A COMPANY THAT SLAUGHTERS BIRDS AND PROCESSES THEM INTO FOODSTUFF

THIS IS MONSTROUS BEYOND DESCRIPTION

310 responses to “Cancer and the Funkyverse (not together, for once)”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#y306), @seismic-2 (#y315), @Mr. O’Malley (#y332):

    Thanks for the copyright info. And I probably should mention that Rudolf Dirks’
    Katzenjammer Kids was heavily influenced by the Wilhelm Busch characters Max and Moritz. Although Dirks created Hans and Fritz 32 years after Busch first launched* Max and Moritz, the latter creation has been in the public domain for approximately 35 years**:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_and_Moritz

    *It’s a German A-2 Rocket joke, okay?

    **Busch died in 1908 (plus 70 years).

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    I still admit to being 100% squicked out that she put her hand on his knee in panel two.

    That’s just a knee-jerk reaction.

  3. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    MT: Say, ladies, have you been looking for a new handbag to bring to this year’s fishing competitions? Well, take note: The Mad Men look continues to dominate the accessories department, and today’s well-dressed fishing fan will be carrying this smart little clutch as she cheers on her man. Who knows? Maybe your savvy style will bring him some luck!

    CtH: Wouldn’t the “joke” be “funnier” if the brick were about to land on his “head”?

  4. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    A3G: Greg: “My hands are burned? I couldn’t tell, since I can’t see them, and neither can anyone else, because Frank Bolle can’t draw that. Just how bad is it? Will I ever be able to play the piano again?”
    Tommie: “Don’t be silly. Of course you won’t ever play the piano again. We already know that Frank Bolle can’t draw one of those, either.”

    FW, Panel 2: “We’ve only just met, but we’re kind of family, and we aren’t biologically related, so it will be OK if I grab your thigh now.”

    Worried that he may be losing his “cancer comics” exclusivity as other strips like Rex Morgan move into that turf, Batiuk decides to move on and corner the comics-page market on estranged-step-half-sibling adulterous incest. I can just see him now: “Let’s see you go there, Mary Worth!” Sorry to burst your balloon, Tom, but Snuffy Smith pretty much already has the rights on all that material.

    MW: It was true grit? Aren’t there rules in the contest that your entry has to be an actual cake, not a huge pink-frosted lump of grits? Did the blue cake slide off the platter because it was actually a bowl of oatmeal?

  5. pugfuggly
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    RMMD The last panel, if taken out of context, looks like Rex is negotiating a price with a Russian statistician-prostitute…

    Shoe SOYLENT WINGS ARE PEOPLE!!!!

  6. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    A3G-It’s just a flesh wound.”

    A3G 2-Find who? Jesus was a man so it can’t be Jesus. Maybe he’s looking for Mary Worth.

    Spiderman-And filling in for the city of San Francisco is the city of Vancouver.

    FC-”That’s what you think. I’ve filled my diaper while you were watching me.”

    FW-”Is it wrong to want to have sex with a person that you just met and is it wrong if that person is your step sister?”

    MT-”Hey, lady. Can I take some nature pictures of you?”

    MT 2-Catfish knows that taking pictures steals a little bit of his soul.

    MW-Mary has overcome her weakness of carrying things without anyone meddling her.

    RMMD-”And will I have a strong powerful male heir? I don’t want any weak female child.”

  7. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    RMMD – 97% accurate? Does this mean she has made enough predictions, and followed up to find out what the actual result is, and run the numbers, to forecast that 97% accuracy (plus or minus two standard deviations)?

    No. More likely, we just need an alternative interpretation of her dialogue. “I can tell within seconds of meeting a woman. And my batting average of predicting the sex is 97% accurate” is most likely to mean “I knew June was good to go from the second I met her. I can tell she isn’t getting anything worth mentioning at home. I’m 97% certain we will be hooking up later tonight, and the forecast is that it will be 100% hot!”

  8. nescio
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    Looks to me like the neighbor is trying to anger Crankshaft until he has a heart attack. More like the opposite of loathsome.

    Shoe: “You’re going out to the Treetops Poultry Company? What’s up?”
    “I’m going to scarf down some dead chicks for lunch.”

  9. FafnerMorell
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Speaking of “MONSTROUS BEYOND DESCRIPTION”, Mary Worth’s frosty pink cake is about to flow crimson red from the still-beating heckler’s heart, laid at the statue of the Righteously Vengeful Nature Goddess, pumping it’s last pint of blood down the fondant slide to the cheering masses below.

  10. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):

    Correction: It’s RudolPh Dirks (like a certain Red-Nosed Reindeer).

  11. btown
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Reminds me of the neighbor scene in “Easy Money”, except not funny

  12. Mikey
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    bats :[ made a nice mashup late yesterday at my request! Thanks bats :[ !!

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/8451776167/sizes/o/in/photostream/

  13. Froggy
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    MW: I’ll only buy the true grit thing if Mary dons an eye patch and goes after yesterday’s heckler with both guns blazing. And if John Dill gets bit by a snake and loses an arm, bringing an untimely end to his cake carrying days. (Look for Mary and Wilbur in the sequel, Biddy Cogburn and the Lardy.)

  14. Esther Blodgett
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    FW: I had successfully avoided seeing the hand on the knee until now. Thanks, guys. Really. No, really.

    C’shaft: I’ve always said this strip needs fewer lame puns and more attempted homicides.

    Pluggers: OK, I laughed at “thickening of the toenails.” But I call BS on the commercial, which appears to be for some kind of ED medicine. Pluggers believe that what the good Lord has made limp and useless, no mortal man should make plump and productive via pharmaceutical means. It’s in the Bible. Near the back.

  15. Brownsfan
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    FW: no one uses the word “estranged” when talking to a teenager.

  16. Marc
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    A3G- That is the cleanest, most well dressed late night burn victim I’ve ever seen. Not a bit of soot on him, not a hair out of place, hasn’t coughed once. Apparently the skin on his hands is melting off, but we’ll never see it.

    Mark Trail- The nice UPS lady hears the mutant child next to her talking, but she just doesn’t care. Put your head down and just keep walking. The little troll will just keep on blabbering every thought that pops into his malformed head.

    Mary Worth- Oh thank God they made it to the judges table without dropping the cake. I was getting worried that judges wouldn’t have the opportunity to properly glorify that loving tribute to Mary’s menstrual cycle.

    Funky- Yeah nothing creepy about this…. At least we can take comfort in knowing that we’ll probably never see this incestuous one off character again after this arc wraps up. With this being Westview, maybe she’ll step out of the house and immediately get struck by lightning.

    Luann- Bwad picked the card with the train on it that said “I choo choo choose you”. He’s a grown up Ralph Wiggum.

    Cranky- In real life getting a shovel thrown at you is grounds for an ass kicking. If Crankshaft does it, it’s supposed to be endearing.

  17. The Divine O’F
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    I’ve been following this blog since shortly after Josh started it. Is it just my imagination, or are the comics getting even weirder and making less sense than they did six or so years ago? Are the story lines more boring or have I reached my lifetime tolerance for ennui? I’m thinking specifically of A3G (nonsensical) and MW and JP (boring) here. The only soap strip that seems to have improved is Dick Tracy, which has lately reached pure awesomeness.

  18. Virgil
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Shoe: I disagree with you, Josh. Humans are mammals that slaughter other less sentient species of mammals for food. Why wouldn’t sentient bird beings slaughter other less sentient bird beings for food? I assume chickens are less sentient in the Shoeverse.

  19. wossname
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Ha, Delores, being able to sense pregnancy is no big deal. Rex can read a person’s mind by sniffing his or her finger (especially his own).

    Blondie – Oh ha ha, it’s funny because he thought he was going to get a discount on gas, but he didn’t. Uh – that is why it’s funny, right?

    OtH – Love the surly woodchuck! I hope he’ll become a regular.

  20. Mibbitmaker
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Crank: Considering the monster snowstorm coming our way here, my sympathies are 100% with Cranky. Aim better, Cranky!

    MW: Hey, Mary-on, you left your eyepatch at home.
    …And you’re no female John Wayne, either!

    Luann: I really hate to agree with the little brat here, but…

    A3G: Frank Bolle’s pen is a terrible actor! Fire him and get someone who can do facial expressions (not to mention bottom 2/3rds of bodies, sceneries, real action…)!
    This is just EMBARASSING!!!

    BBlues: “Nice place you have here… it’d be a shame if something happened to it…”

  21. cheech wizard
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Sorry Rex. Even though you’re alone on a moonlit beach, she is not predicting the sex with you. Wipe that smirk off your face.

  22. Voshkod
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    This upcoming storyline in Shoe is going to be great! The Perfesser, a wily and intrepid investigative reporter. Shoe, his boss, the gruff editor with the heart of gold. They’re both hunting the biggest story of their career – a sordid tale of bird slavery and cannibalism. And you know the trail of buffalo sauce goes to the very top – maybe the Chief of Police, maybe the Mayor, maybe that drunk, lecherous Senator that hangs around from time to time. And where does Roz fit into this? Do those receipts the Perfesser finds in her diner prove she’s in on it, buying her fellow birds to cook them, or is she running some sort of undertree railroad, buying freedom for the unfortunate? It’s a bird eat bird world out there, in this noir masterpiece, The Kievian Chicken. Or maybe The Long Fat-Fryer. either way, it’s a tale you can sink your teeth into.

  23. Marc
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    ASM- Hopefully some bystander will correct Peter that he is actually in Oakland. And if he valued his safety, he’d cross the bay before nightfall.

  24. amy c
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Once upon a time, I was driving down the road and saw a huge flock of birds pecking at something in the road, like they do.

    When I drove close to the birds and they dispersed, I was able to see what they were pecking at. And it was fried chicken. Like someone had just dumped their half-finished bucket of KFC out on the street.

    That’s when it hit me. Birds. Flocking around the fried chicken like it was the holy grail. Birds! Smacking their beaks with the deliciousness of fried bird flesh!

    Those winged fuckers are nasty, is all I’m saying.

  25. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy — With all that sweat pouring off Sweatbox, I can only assume his er, sweat socks smell like a dead buzzard.

    And over in Heathcliff, Woodsy Owl’s new motto is: Give a hoot — don’t pollute, you damn cat!

  26. Henning Makholm
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    In 97% of cases I can tell within seconds of meeting a person what their sex are.

  27. Voshkod
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @Henning Makholm (#26): You must not live in Portland.

  28. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @amy c (#24):

    The dinosaurs they evolved from are also known for eating other dinosaurs.

    Far from being extinct, modern dinosaurs are in a good position to survive whatever we humans do to the planet before we wipe ourselves out. We will barely register as a blip in their 100s of millions of years on the earth.

  29. Christopher
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan: Rex is going to be horribly disappointed when it turns out that what the stripper meant is that she’s 97% accurate when guessing whether a pregnant woman has had sex sometime in the last nine months.

    Crankshaft: Crankshaft has inadvertently performed an act of charity by giving his snowed-in neighbor a shovel. But he knows he’ll get it back when his neighbor, driven mad by the house’s ghosts, kills the psychic caretaker who’s returned from vacationing in Florida, attempts to kill his wife and son, and finally freezes to death in the elaborate hedge maze he’s built in the backyard.

  30. Virgil
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    In 99.9999999999999% of the cases, I can tell upon meeting a person if I am going to have sex with them. No, no I am not.

  31. Horace Broon
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    A3G: Is Frank Bolle even getting a script, or is he just told “three panels of Greg talking to Tommie”?

    ASM: You can tell it’s San Francisco because the Golden Gate Bridge is growing out of someone’s house.

    DT: If this was Slylock Fox, the upside-down text would read “Slylock knows Sweatbox is lying because he stored his brother’s body in the crypt. That’s what it’s for.”

    JP: Is Abbey being sarcastic in the final panel? Why? “If Neddy had friends I don’t know about, I think I’d know about it!”

    Shoe: I’ve been thinking about this (I don’t know why) and the question I came up with is “What kind of birds are they, anyway?” I mean, it’s impossible to tell from the art, but if they’re hawks or something then, yes, they’d eat other birds. I mean, I’m pretty sure none of them are chickens, and we eat mammals (well, I don’t, but humans in general do), so I think it’s okay.

  32. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    9CL: I suppose that noticing that Edda only has cleavage when her arms are together makes me a beefwit.

    A&J: always look on the bright side of life.

    HotC: Ted Forth beat you to it.

    rIP: next time, Hamhock hits a bong and goes for a flying couch ride.

    LaCuc: *applaz* well played!

    Luann: you can tell the bronies because they’re all going “gak! gak! gak!”

    SBp: *headdesk* sometimes, working backwards from the punchline still is funny.

    Zits: making trite jokes visually inventive again.

    Bizarro: beaten to the joke by OBH.

    JP: Barettos in profile.

    Mutts: *files away for future reference*

    Lio: another sootball from Spirited Away. The Spider Union must be getting annoyed at their members being put out of work this way.

    Retail: this is why men shouldn’t write for female characters.

  33. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . drilling her. (duh!)

  34. Hibbleton
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Archie: These rerun strips from the nineties were written by the long retired AJGLU-1000 with its primitive 8085 8-bit microprocessor, hence the awkwardness.

    RMMD: This strip has gone from the surprisingly tender story of a young woman with breast cancer to that of a young woman with breast cancer who is also a witch?

  35. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    3G – Nitpickers who like to find fault should be advised that this strip simply has different ways of representing things, but that doesn’t make them any less severe or earthshaking. Greg awakes and runs out in a panic (shown here by him casually standing, completely dressed, with Ari) to battle deadly flames (depicted by cute little fuzzy pink tendrils) and blinding smoke (two wavy lines), from which he suffers third-degree burns all over his body (perhaps there’s a faint smudge on his cheek that I overlooked) and he fears that Margo is dead (in which case, she’ll act about like she does now).

    love is… …acting out yet another classic porn movie setup.

  36. bunivasal
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerstroke
    “I’m feeling pretty strange myself.” “It’s called an erection.” “I know what’s it’s cal– look, I was doing a thing. Wait, I’ve got another one: wanna give me a stroke? BOOM. Seriously, though, we should have sex.”

    Crankshaft
    Is this how young people have fun? By watching septuagenarians who share homes with their middle-aged children struggle to shovel driveways and lament their growing physical infirmities? Who am I kidding, if Crankshaft is suffering I bet there’s a line to watch this that wraps around Westview.

  37. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Mary‘s upset (yesterday) because she thinks he said “Don’t drop it, TRANNY!” Tomorrow we find out that when a hidden switch is flipped, the figure sprouts skis and schusses down the slope of Mount Cake to strike a Jolson pose at the bottom.

    (Mmmm… grit cake!)

    Smirky – They’re just half-siblings, so it’s only half nauseating that they’re kind of flirting with each other.

  38. Hibbleton
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    A3G: Who needs dialogue when you can just read the drama in their faces?

  39. Chyron HR
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#16): Bwad picked the card with the train on it that said “I choo choo choose you”. He’s a grown up Ralph Wiggum.

    Ugh, God. In case you were unaware, which you clearly are, it was Lisa who gave the “choo-choo-choose you” Valentine’s Day card to Ralph out of pity. Your ignorance has so flustered me that I can no longer DM tonight’s session of the Star Wars Saga Edition Role Playing Game. I hope you are satisfied with yourself, sir.

  40. Marc
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Luann- Shannon traded in Brad’s Chevy for a Cadillac gak gak gak gak.
    I’m sorry, I’ll show myself out.

  41. Abby, the Wonderdog
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Rex’s next line,”So Delores, can you tell if I am pregnant?”

    “Um, Rex, you are a man.”

    “Are you sure? I am wearing frilly panties and feel oh so pretty. Plus, I missed my period this month. Oh if I am, wait till I tell the guys at the “club house”!!!!”

    Bark! Bark! Bark!

  42. Digger
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Rule #1 of the Funkyverse: no matter how depressing or awkward a situation is, you can always make it worse with a lame, lame pun.

    When you mess with the Shaft, you don’t get the snow, you get the shovel.

  43. Greg
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Archie: Meanwhile, Jughead feels his nose between his fingers and tries to determine which is the finger and which is the nose. It’s the only thing that keeps him sane in this mad, mad world.

  44. Dennis Jimenez
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Humm – I wonder how I’d look with a Hitler moustache?

  45. Pozzo
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    “Speaking of which, has Porky Pig filed that expose on the bacon processing plant yet? It’s been over a week since you sent him out there.”

  46. Wally Winkerbean
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    I see that Darrin has taken lesson from former Senator Craig on sitting with a wide stance.

    It will be how he explains the fellatio from his “sis” to his wife.

  47. Illustrator Steve
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    MT – I see the lady who operates the Centerville fishing tournament family fun tour boat has finally arrived, late as usual!

  48. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Hands? I have hands?!”

    FW-”Strange in my pants.”

    FW 2-If loving you is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

  49. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Shoe: Chicken hawks (like Foghorn Leghorn’s nemesis “Henry”) eat chickens. The journalist Cosmo “Perfesser” Fishhawk is an osprey. He regards the eating of chickens as an abomination, unless they’re tossed into a lake first.

  50. Comrade Denny
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    RxMD: So is this story going to be like that old X-Files episode “Pusher,” where the tumor causes the superpowers, so the cancer-haver has to choose between being special and dying young, being normal and living long, or getting shot in the head? I mean, it can’t be coincidence that we now have 3 points of similarity here.

  51. Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Tomorrow’s Shoe: “It’s birds! Treetops Poultry is made out of birds! You’ve got to believe me!”

  52. Illustrator Steve
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    MT – “…if I don’t get any strikes, we’ll move to another area. I’ve heard of a good fishing spot not far from here where their are two skeletons tied to tree stumps.”

  53. Dood
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Archie’s going full RGIII.

  54. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    RMMD: “That is, 97% of the time I’ve correctly guessed that the women have had sex. The sperm bank pregnancies got past me somehow.”

    FW: After looking at this strip I Googled the words “her hand on his knee.” The first page of results mostly led to sites that—needless to say—I’m not going to browse at work. So I have to agree that it seems a sort of odd gesture for a woman to make upon first meeting her stepbrother.

    Archie: Archie suffers from Body Integrity Identity Disorder and hopes that if he damages the leg badly enough, doctors will be forced to amputate it.

    MT: In the first panel we see a glimpse of Mark’s twin sister Marsha Trail as she preps for her Sunday essay on giant deer. Marsha is known for punching female poachers and other despoilers with visible leg hair.

    MW: Visions of Rooster Cogburn guide Mary through life and suggest particularly apt platitudes. We learn more about this character all the time.

    BC: Not to nitpick, but shouldn’t that elephant be a mastodon or suchlike? I’ve never heard anything about the BC crowd living in Africa.

    H&L: “Put that cocoa down! Cocoa is for closers only.”

    Luann: But Shannon, don’t you see? That’s what makes it perfect for B-wad.

    S-M: There’s plenty of places for you to get off in San Francisco, but I thought you were strapped for cash.

    SFx: Alt-Universe Hitler went from failed landscape painter to thriving housepainter. At this point he’s packing on the pounds.

    OBH: “Ginger Gasper” is her stage name. She’s part of an all-asthmatic Spice Girls tribute band.

    Lockhorns: “A special occasion like this calls for a Dutch angle.”

    A3G: “Greg trembles and… Hey, Bolle! The man should look at least a little anxious, don’t you think? Gah, why do I even bother?”

  55. Dood
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses (#51): “Wait a minute, you’re saying we’re all poultry? Did you just pull that out of your cloaca?”

  56. Illustrator Steve
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    MT – “WOW! This strange lady and I are both in full color kodachrome while mister Catfish’s van and surrounding scenery are all in black and white. I must let Paul Simon know of this!”

  57. But What Do I Know?
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#7): I guess it’s one of the 85.8% of predictions which are just made up on the spot!

  58. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    MT-”Hey, lady, do you want some bare pictures taken?”

    Sally Forth-Days later the Forths would be find stranded out in the middle of nowhere with Ted surrounded by the chewed up remains of his family gnawing on Hilary’s thigh bone.

    A3G-Find who? Is it Waldo’s girlfriend? Can’t be Waldo because Waldo is a him.

    Spiderman-While in San Francisco Spiderman where encounter a much more dangerous menace than the Kingpin, hippies.

  59. Illustrator Steve
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    MT – As Rod Bassy casts his killer lure, Mike Harris and the widow Chavis’s float plane makes an abrupt landing across their poop deck and spoils their day of fishing.

  60. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#31):

    DT: If this was Slylock Fox, the upside-down text would read “Slylock knows Sweatbox is lying because he stored his brother’s body in the crypt. That’s what it’s for.”

    Man but Slick Smitty is old and gross in this world.

  61. Voshkod
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#58): You really think Ted would be the one to survive a cannibal family picnic? He’d be the first one down; the only question after that is how crazy is Hilary, really.

  62. bbofun
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    MW- I’d like to imagine that by “True Grit” she means that she did the last part of the carry with the cake’s reins between her teeth, firing both of her revolvers at yesterday’s heckler.

    JP- Is that “Mail Call’ some sort of generic, non-trademarked version of “You’ve Got Mail?” Or did Sophie hack some military software?

    GT- I may have to do some re-thinking on my prediction for where this story is going. It may turn into a “don’t question or try to take advantage of miracles” story, with blonde doofus here catching the peacock, thinking he can cage the magic.

    A3G- Will Greg’s career as the new James Bond be ended before he begins when infection sets into his hands and they have to be cut off (not that we’ll ever see them)? And will Margo then reject him as a loser? Yeah, probably.

    SHOE- “You’re going out to the Treetops Poultry Company? What’s up?”
    “Just my time. Been a goggle-eyed horror working with you.”

    PIBGORN- Okay, so Brooke seem mildly aware at the mistakes he’s made about Scheherazade- although it’s pretty clear he’s still going to make the male djinn the driving force behind her stories, and her plan, and every single good thing about the story.

  63. Thursday Next
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Maybe it’s too soon, or too tasteless, but seeing Crankshaft try to assault a mildly irritating neighbor seems the precursor to him sitting on the porch with a rifle glaring at those neighbors, leading inevitably to shooting fellow bus drivers and taking children hostage. Thanks for being so current, Batuik!

  64. bats :[
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#4): no, true grit suggests all competitors are handicapped by wearing an eye-patch on their dominant eyes.

    @Mikey (#12): yer welcome!

    RMMD: remember at the beginning of the party, how June asked Rex if he were capable of staying out of trouble? I thought it was a rather silly comment, but it seems that June’s concern was well-founded.

  65. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Shoe-I feel like a joke comparing what is going on here with the Holocaust is in order but I can’t make it work.

  66. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-This can only end with Cranky burning down the neighbors house and chuckling, “Hot enough for you”.

  67. Illustrator Steve
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    MT – “Now that your insane shouting has attracted the attention of all the deer and birds in our area, maybe if we both shout even louder the fish will hear us too!”
    “Don’t be a wise ass, Trail. I NEED to shout so Catfish can hear me through his scuba equipment as he places a big bass on my line below us…..um, er, I mean….oh well, the cats out of the bag…sorry, Trail. Now that my fishing secret has slipped out I will have to kill you!”

  68. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#58): “After the car was recovered from the ravine where it had been lost for the last 20 years, the remains of the Forth family were identified through dental records. The tooth marks in the bones matched those of Sally Forth’s mother.”

  69. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    lolkitten comments on ASM. (and MT, as well.)

    I’m on record as thinking that Labs are teh bestest, but it’s hard to argue that Goldens make the cutest puppies ever.

    Basement Kitty is confused by ferret.

    Japan, wtf? an otter in a tutu?!? srsly?

    corgi ears ^. .^

  70. Old Folkie
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Edda thought about
    What to wear
    But then forget
    To fix her hair
    Burma Shave

    Really funny comments from everyone so far today. Great work, guys!

  71. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Virgil (#18): We do indeed eat mammals of lower intelligence, for want of a better word. In this part of the world ruminants like cows, pigs, and sheep. As to whether chickens are less sentient in the Shoeverse, they sometimes end up as Pluggers. That’s some kind of evidence.

  72. S. Stout
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Funky: So they’re going to have sex now, ick. The exciting part is one of them surely has a STD the other will now be getting.

    Luann: Will Brad ever pick out the perfect card to express his love for Toni? Tune in all week for no conclusion, and then a cutaway to a new storyline that won’t be resolved!”

  73. Irrischano
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Gotta say, it’s pretty ingenious of them to hide Rex’s ever-expanding baby bump with such clever word balloon placement.

  74. Notebooked
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Lesser strips would have shown Crankshaft’s yuppie neighbor getting a faceful of snow. Not in this case, dear readers — the possibility of his neighbor getting a cranial fracture as a shovel smashes onto his face is obviously hilarious. To hushed, eerie music, we see Crankshaft standing in clear daylight, caring not for who may see him, as he slams down on the man’s skull — over, and over. At last, there is silence. The trudging sound of feet walking through snow. And Crankshaft goes back into his home, ready to say something dickish about his daughter’s cutlery.

  75. Lenoxus
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    Even though it’s true that human eat mammals, the Shoeverse equivalent is still a bit off-putting somehow. I think it’s because of the undefined parameters of that universe. By exactly what principle are some birds sentient and others okay to eat? Why did the magic/evolution only applly to some and not others? Also, what kind of birds are these folks? Cosmo certainly looks chickenlike.

    Of course, I’m sure there are aliens thinking the same things about us humans, but it just seems like a fictional universe should be able to take advantage of the tool of exposition to clarify this stuff. (For example, the Narnia books make things very explicit.)

  76. Butaka
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Mutts: “Find the nearest lap, and immediately dissolve it, leaving yourself curled up on a cushion while the nice old lady who feeds you recoils in horror at the sudden disappearance of her legs, leaving her simply a torso resting in an easy chair…”

  77. pugfuggly
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    ASM You heard it here first: Peter will be getting off in San Francisco. Probably at a bathhouse, or maybe at the Golden Gate park.

    A3G “NO IT’S NOT!!!!” Why does Greg look like he’s delivering the punchline of a cheeky joke rather than having an emotional outburst?

    Also, if you tried just asking someone to direct you to Margo’s room, it might cut down on your search time “I checked the maternity ward, the children’s wing, the doctor’s lounge, the gift shop….WHERE IS SHE?!?!?!”

    MW Speaking of facial expressions not matching dialogue, why does it look like John is about to molest Marzipan Mary in the most horrible way possible? He looks like the Devil as he appears in Chick tracts.

  78. Mary Worthless
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Sorry, Mr. Dill.

    If you wanted to capture nature and Mary’s essence, you would have created a crystal swan out of spun sugar to place upon your tower of pink.

    Duff would then be relegated to king while you were crowned Ace of Cakes.

  79. Mikey
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#72): It’ll have to be an STD that causes cancer.

  80. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    TASM It seems so lonely in San Francisco, but the Count can help!

  81. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

  82. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#62): JP- Is that “Mail Call’ some sort of generic, non-trademarked version of “You’ve Got Mail?” Or did Sophie hack some military software?

    Sophie’s computer is actually alerting her that she has a “Male Call”. That is why in Panel 3 she suddenly switches to a Veronica Lake hair style, to entice the caller into entering his credit-card number for a 6-month subscription renewal to her Web Cam site.

  83. AhClem
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    RMMD – In the third panel, Rex’s thoughts are far removed from Delores, her cancer or her pregnancy-sensing powers. He is wondering, “I wonder what kind of free boat I’m getting from THIS adventure?”

  84. Anonymous
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    While Jughead’s nose pokes obscenely through his scissored fingers, Archie raises one leg in the air, a look of true grit on his face. . . . He seems very determined.

  85. Evan
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    “My batting average of predicting the sex is 97% accurate” said no one, ever.

  86. Casino LF
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    C’Shaft: … why. Why in the world would you have your 70-something father shoveling your walk. I guess if you’re TRYING for a heart attack, since he’s such an asshole that you hope he dies?

    JP: I don’t know why I hate Sophie, but man, she really rubs me the wrong way. Much like Rex Morgan’s devil spawn, I always have to ask myself “how old is she supposed to be?” I mean, it’s not that I didn’t still have stuffed animals in high school, but I didn’t place several of them lovingly on my freshly-made bed every morning. Then again, this is JP. I guess the maid probably does all that type of work. My bad. Move along.

    9CL: Okay, I am not a concert pianist, but I took lessons for over a decade and performed many times, and you … you don’t move your head that much when you’re playing piano. I know they do in movies sometimes, but no. No.

  87. Chyron HR
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    JP – So if I stop reading right now, can I pretend that Neddy is a lesbian instead of whatever other much less interesting story they’re about to foist on us?

    RMMD – I’ve never tried guessing the sex of a pregnant individual before, but I think I could do better than 97%.

    Shu – It’s not cannibalism. The newspaper is investigating claims that TPC is moving all their chicken employees to an inferior office space, in flagrant violation of the Civil Rights Act.

  88. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#65): Shoe — I feel like a joke comparing what is going on here with the Holocaust is in order but I can’t make it work.

    First they came for the chickens,
    and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a chicken.

  89. TheDiva
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Casino LF (#86): Well of course you don’t move your head that much; you’re an uncultured beefwit. Edda is a Creature of Pure Art for whom the sexual ecstasy of music is second only to actual sex. You can’t expect her to show any restraint or professionalism under those circumstances.

    C’shaft: You have to work very hard to be more unlikable than Crankshaft. Even the yuppie neighbor with the tired and unfunny weather comment doesn’t even come close to matching that level of loathsome.

    FW: I need an adult!

    RMMD: “That’s it, I’ll take her on the talk show circuit! That will solve our problems for approximately fifteen minutes!”

  90. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Wait, why does he… I mean, nobody’s even seen Beetle’s eyes in, like, 60 years, right? So why… *head explodes*

    Funky: Batty: “I see your squick, Mr. Greg Evans, and raise you even squickier squick! Huzzah!”

    Shoe: Brookins: Master of the Goofy/Pluto Conundrum! (See also: Pluggers)

  91. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Rex, allegedly having graduated from medical school, should realize that 97% accuracy means that she’s done this more than 30 times at the very least, so he should know that she’s feeding him a line of crap. I’m sure I could wander around the mall telling every woman I meet that she’s pregnant, or every person I meet that their father was killed by a train, and while most of them would merely think I was psychotic, when I came across one person who that really did apply to….

    Archie: Nice, dumbass. You know, most people put their skis on *outside* the lodge. Although the vision of Archie clomping around the 100 feet or so it would take to get outside from where he is in front of the hearth, wearing his damn skis and holding his poles, is pretty hilarious. I’d love it if he couldn’t find anyone to hold open the door for him so he’s left standing there for hours LIKE THE DUMBASS HE IS.

  92. TheDiva
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    A3G: “It’s not okay! You have to do something about this rigor mortis face! I want to express an emotion that isn’t mild interest!”

    Luann: Does Hallmark make a “I’m happy spending the rest of my life not going anywhere in our relationship together” card?

    MW: Well, that was fast. I fully expected the thrilling cake-moving to provide a whole week’s worth of action.

    Phantom: “Well, you got me there. I guess we’ll have to review our policy.”

    Pibgorn: Actually Sheherazade would have saved not only the women who would have been axed during her storytelling tenure, but every other woman who would have gotten the chop from that point onward, so…oh forget it, at least Brooke finally acknowledged the whole thing wasn’t about sex. While keeping the genie firmly planted in between Drusilla’s legs.

    SM: So, on being asked to draw “San Francisco,” Stan Lee (or whoever’s drawing for him now) just said “Well, there’s the Golden Gate Bridge, I’m sure I could get clip art of that somewhere. And hills? I seem to recall there was that chase in Bullitt with the hills…” Obviously we’re saving the cable car’s big reveal for the Sunday strip.

  93. Mardou Fox
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    Sugar Mary grew about five times in size in between Panel One and Panel Two. Soon she will be as big, and as terrible, as the Staypuft Marshmallow Man.

  94. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Feelin’ groovy!

  95. Faoladh
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    DtM: Dennis has become aware that priests use obfuscatory jargon to ensure their position, and is willing to approach his god without priestly intervention. In tomorrow’s panel, Dennis nails 95 theses to Mr. Wilson’s front door.

  96. bats :[
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#80): HAR! The attack (or at least the contemplation of attack) of the sentient coconuts!

  97. SF_Reader
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Shoe – It’s OK if that the birds make awful jokes about consuming chickens. The only chicken toon character I know of is the chicken lady in Pluggers, and quite frankly, she is in desperate need of being plucked and eaten.

  98. bats :[
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    And this was a strange inspiration I had before getting over to Breugger’s Bagels for a free smoked salmon on garlic bagel today. (So I can’t blame the bagel…)

  99. Inkwell
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    I’ll say this for Funky: it’s building up to the most unusual love story I’ve seen in my life. So Darrin is attracted to sisters, eh?

  100. SF_Reader
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    MW – I swear my immigrant grandparents had that same Mary Worth statue on top of the dashboard of their car. St Mary protected us well!

  101. Amos Snarkadder
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    MW – There’s no time to relax, Mary. The swimsuit portion of the competition is next.

  102. Doctor Handsome
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    “I’ve read about ‘women!’ Is it true what they say, about them not having wieners?”

  103. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    Crank’s neighbor: Thanks for the shovel, Crank! I didn’t buy one before it snowed, and they’re all sold out at Mega-Mart. Ha ha! Asshole!

  104. Doctor Handsome
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Impressively, champion nose-picker Jughead’s got his ring finger up there past the second knuckle.

  105. Little Blue Bicycle
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    FW: Yes, I really think he’s going there.

  106. Ratiocinator
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    FW: “No Kerry, neither of us was aware of the other’s existence until today and we just met, so we can’t be estranged. Estranged is what happens when two people know one another and then at least one of them decides to have as little to do with the other as possible. For example, I’m going to stop talking to you and hope never to converse with you again, because you’re clearly a moron who has no clue what words mean. There, now we’re estranged.”

    9CL: Okay, we get it, long hair can be a pain in the ass. You’ve milked that observation for all of the allegedly comedic value you can, Brooke, and it’s time to move on.

    Garfield: It’s a little bit late to start worrying about something going wrong with your freakishly gigantic eyes, Garfield.

    Luann: That kid just perfectly described the quality of this comic strip in panel three.

  107. Midtown
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Tomorrow’s preview: Helicopters circle and a swat team is dropped in to arrest Ed for assault with a shovel. He goes down after emptying his garage of tools thrown at them, but not before the grill takes out the chief of police.

    FW: I really don’t see a problem with a Darin-Kerry romance, if that’s where the hand on knee is leading. They are not related, and only just met, so there are no brotherly-sisterly feelings getting in the way of their relationship. Maybe an extra-marital affair would liven up this strip. But Jessica would probably commit suicide.

  108. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    Arch: I would have pegged Reggie as the grimly determined one to hot-dog it down the slopes at all costs.

    No matter who is doing this, does the AJGLU3K understand the mechanics of downhill skiing? I’m no Norwegian Slolom champion, but that bandage is going to throw off his glide and probably shred up on the way down the hill.

  109. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: Ha ha! I get it! I’m going to crack wise about the Roadside Human Body Parts Company. They’re extending their processing plant by a couple of feet!

  110. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    FW: “Actually… I’m feeling pretty strange myself at the moment.”

  111. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#99): So Darrin is attracted to sisters, eh?

    Remember the big story during the basketball playoffs when the Westview Girls’ team became state champions (with coaching help from Ann Fairgood, who didn’t seem especially oppressed or miserable, but no matter). Darrin came down with the flu, and then so did his half-sister Summer. No one else in the household was infected, including Darrin’s wife. Just sayin’.

  112. Chip Whittle
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    Head Explosion Alert!

    Over in the 1969 Judge Parker run at DailyInk.com, the incredibly wealthy Abbey Spencer is throwing $40,000 at Sam Driver for…no, not nothing, but to fund the legal defense for people fighting antiquated and irrelevant laws. It’s, like, actually doing something admirable. The more I read these vintage comics the less I understand today’s.

    Do not read the comments thread.

  113. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: After being exposed to massive doses of strange radioactive therapies, Delores has the powers and proportionate strength of a home pregnancy test kit!

    This will make her 97% more effective in fighting crime than that spider person!

  114. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#112): That’s interesting. FOUR panels, much better artwork… and still nothing really happens.

  115. commodorejohn
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    As others have pointed out, how the hey did she come up with 97%? To get down to a 3% granularity on an either/or state, she’d have had to bear witness to somewhere around 30 pregnancies. Is she a magical stripper midwife?

  116. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    SM: Yeah, the DEADLY Kingpin. Ooh, I’m soooo scaaared. How much ya wanna bet the worst he gets is mildly discourteous and borderline grumpy?

  117. Marc
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    JP- Is this a new superhero in the making? The pregnancy sniffing wonder stripper? She’d still probably be more effective than Spiderman.

  118. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action (#90): Beetle Bailey: Wait, why does he… I mean, nobody’s even seen Beetle’s eyes in, like, 60 years, right? So why… *head explodes*

    Mad magazine already weighed in on what a hatless Beetle looks like:

    http://forum2.aimoo.com/zaqb/Infotainment/The-Eyes-of-Beetle-Bailey-10-1060008.html

    The above is from issue 126 (April, 1969). I believe the artist is Bob Clarke.

  119. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#98): I love it! You’re in Bill Griffith territory there!

  120. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    SM: So, now I have to look for the Kingpin. Hey Kingpin! Kingpin? KIIIINNNGGG PIIINNN! Anybody home in this town??

  121. Amos Snarkadder
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    A3BURNT – What if we dropped the dialog and just used the narration boxes?
    This week would be:
    GREG REACHES MARGO’S BEDROOM AND…
    GREG KICKS OPEN THE BEDROOM DOOR AND…
    AS GREG STUMBLES OUT OF THE BUILDING…
    GREG REACHES THE TOP FLOOR AND…
    AT MANHATTAN GENERAL…
    LATER AT THE E.R. …
    AGITATED AND CONFUSED GREG CONFRONTS TOMMIE…
    SHE LOOKS HIM UP AND DOWN…
    TOMMIE EXPLAINS…
    GREG TREMBLES AND…
    Now, do we even need the dialog? When has Tommie said something meaningful? Or Greg?

  122. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#118): I read a compendium of Beetle Bailey. Walker showed a few strips that had been axed or voluntarily killed. Some featured Lt. Fuzz in situations that could be considered racist. I think one showed Beetle’s eyes. It was decades ago that I read the book, so I don’t recall exactly why that one was nixed. Could’ve been because Walker didn’t want to show the eyes, but we know for a fact that it could NOT have been cut because it wasn’t funny enough.

  123. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#97): There was the Chicken Run movie, featuring the voice of Mel Gibson. There’s that Chicken Hawk in Looney Tunes, or is he rooster. Rock-a-Doodle, too.

  124. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#97): And the fact is that birds of prey, like Hawks and Owls, don’t have a problem with attacking chickens or smaller birds.

  125. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#112): Very cool! I have to go put some flowers in my hair now.

  126. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#98): And this was a strange inspiration I had before getting over to Breugger’s Bagels for a free smoked salmon on garlic bagel today.

    Aren’t you a little early for National Bagels & Lox Day?

    http://www.punchbowl.com/holidays/national-bagels-lox-day

    February 9, 2013 is also Pizza Pie Day!

  127. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Evan (#85): Because no one is that accurate, or that batting averages are in decimal, not percentage format?

  128. bbofun
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    9CL- Too bad there isn’t anyway for women with long hair to tie it back- y’know, some sort of hair tie. Or have it put in a hairdo that was up put of the way- some sort of up do. Alas, that is simply beyond our knowledge. Damn you, science!

  129. Alter Ego
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    love is… trying to sneak a peek at his butt-cleavage.

  130. bbofun
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @Casino LF (#86): Re: Crankshaft- yes. Yes, that’s exactly why they have him shoveling. Have you never read this strip?

  131. bbofun
    February 7th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#126): I suddenly had a vision of a lox pizza bagel, and threw up in my mouth a little. Thanks.

  132. bbofun
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#97):@Hogenmogen (#123): I say, I say, how could yuh forget Foghorn Leghorn, boys?

  133. saluki
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    Shoe – Making the argument for veganism for over 35 years.

  134. Ratiocinator
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#128): Yeah, it’s either this or shave your head, pretty much.

  135. bbofun
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#132): I mean, I know he’s a rooster, but he always had plenty of chickens around him- including the sort of “old spinster lady” one.

  136. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    RMMD:
    My batting average predicting the sex is 97% accurate. But to be honest, I usually just ask the mother “The sex was ok, right?” 97% accurate. It’s like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

  137. Government Cheese
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Oh my, where to begin. This is my first multi-comment post about one comic:

    MW 1 – Mary, intoxicated with her victory at the All-Valley Cake Competition, goes into the local Santa Royale VFW and begins to berate the veterans enjoying their drinks. “You were at the Battle of Fallujah, so the fuck what, I MOVED A CAKE, that takes true grit!” (Mary proceeds to go to another vet and grabs the cigar out of his mouth and smokes it herself) “So you were at Normandy, whatever grandpa! YOU DON’T HAVE THE GUNS TO MOVE A FUCKING CAKE”

    MW 2 – “True Grit” to be released Christmas Day 2013 – A Wilbur Weston production, co-produced by “I’m Alive!” Studios.

    MW 3 – Somewhere, a crowd of retirees at a retirement home is cheering loudly at the TV, watching the Great Cake Move of 2013.

    Luann – Can anyone tell me why Shannon wears a Darth Vader helmet? Or did I just answer my own question?

  138. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#132): Never! Though Foghorn was no fan of the sliderule.

  139. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    So at least 2 truckers passing by SF find that they can’t open their trailers because of some strange webbing mesh. Public service, Peter. Great job.

  140. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#132): That’s who I meant by “Chicken hawk in Looney Tunes”. I say, I say, I done forgot his name, is all!

  141. Dood
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    “I always thought it was a scent of something! Like unicorns and puppies and rainbows!”

  142. Ratiocinator
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#139): Well, the webbing dissolves after an hour. At least in the comics.

  143. DaveyK
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    To achieve 97% accuracy implies a fairly hefty sample size. Haven’t these strippers heard of birth control?

  144. terrapin
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: I wonder what a Shoe version of Hitchcock’s The Birds would be like.

    MT: I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time believing that a woman that attractive would even be at a fishing contest, let alone not recoiling in horror at the sight of Rusty.

    A3G: The only explaination I can come up with for Greg’s confusion is that Ari’s stash caught on fire back at the apartment, and Greg inhaled the bulk of it.

    MW: See kids? All that cake moving practice paid off! It’s attention to the exruciatingly boring details that matter in the end!

  145. Baka Gaijin
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#14) on Pluggers: Thanks for making me think of Pluggers’ limp and useless. I won’t be plump and productive ever again. Luckily I bought stock in BrainBleach, LLC.

    @The Divine O’F (#17): Yes to all.

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#37): That would be so cool!

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#54) on Spiderman: Ha ha! COTW contender here.

  146. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#137): Shannon’s hair does indeed resemble the iconic helmet, but she’s hardly the imposing and powerful figure of Darth. I’d say she has the size, power and temperment of a pissed off Ewok.

    Phantom could rock the Darth Vader style.
    Miner: We used their stupid superstition to send them packing!
    Phantom: I find you lack of faith… disturbing.

  147. tallyHO
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (y#332):

    well stated from top to bottom.
    @Chyron HR (#39):

    Now, see here, sir! The Gaflaven Doodad 3000 can be re-calibrated to allow for you to be both flustered and flabbergasted and to perform your -ka-DORKy! duties as a Dungeon Master!

    All we need to do is unplug the Ziggification Device to get rid of latency issues and unplug the Pluggers Adaptor –so there won’t be any hairball errors—and splice the Mary Worth Self-Worth Modifier. The latest version of the software is Two Point Oh Woe Is You and it supports the function of having ones cake and eating it, too!

  148. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#88): First they came for the chickens,
    and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a chicken.

    I thought they came first for the eggs.

  149. Government Cheese
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#146): Yup, you are right. However, Darth would never wear his underwear outside his pants like the Phantom.

  150. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    FW— Josh said: “…but even though this lady is actually his half-sister, not his stepsister, and is related to him via his adopted parents so there’s no genetic overlap, I still admit to being 100% squicked out that she put her hand on his knee in panel two.”

    I hate to say this, but Batiuk is right, and Josh is wrong. Because they are not genetically related, she is Darrin’s stepsister, not half-sister. However, Josh is completely right about the squick factor.

  151. Dood
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: “Seriously, you quack me up. Now, get your sorry cloaca outta here.”

  152. tallyHO
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#144):
    What happens in between each day’s strip goes unspoken.
    Suffice it to say, the land dwellers haven’t been able to stop the birds from creating their own semblance of a civilization in the treetops.

  153. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#142): Except it lasted long enough for Parker to get 237 miles to Frisco.

  154. Baka Gaijin
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#115): Is she a magical stripper midwife? OMG. I am so going to start counseling people into that job. Totally.

  155. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#142): And I brought up yesterday that it doesn’t stick to Parker himself or his clothes. So whatever he dips them in to not stick, maybe Kingpin should do the same, no? “Ha, Web-Fool! Your only real power has been nullified… again! You now must wait for Deus ex Machina to take its course as I am defeated through random chance and unforeseen circumstances to be apprehended near your presence! Ha ha!”

  156. Shrug, Modestly
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#22):

    SHOE: Bird-on-bird cannibalism is actually quite logical. The arguments for it were spelled out by this famous author bird named “Jonathan.” He was a swift.

  157. Calico
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Here’s how to use a shovel in order to crack someone’s skull open:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_VbsCS97EA

  158. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#149): Maybe he needs a little helmet down there for his “mini-me”.

  159. Ratiocinator
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#153): I just figured he made a new one when the old one was about to give.

    A few days ago when he was still talking to MJ I made a comment about the webbing only lasting an hour and asking what the odds were that Peter would fall asleep himself, only to wake up as the hammock disappeared out from under him and he fell into the path of oncoming traffic. Sadly, that did not happen.

  160. Ratiocinator
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#155): You know, I was ready to say “Yeah, that’s just the comic strip being stupid,” but then I thought back and remembered that in the comics (talking the ’60s here), Spider-Man once made a baseball bat out of webbing and swung it.

    Why didn’t that stick to his hands?

    And come to think of it, when he shoots a webline and swings on it, how is he able to let go of the thing?

    Yeah, you know what? This is right up there with “radioactive spider giving you superpowers” as far as things that make no sort of logical sense and that it’s best to ignore if you want to have any hope of enjoying the story.

  161. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    MT: Meanwhile, at another part of the lake

  162. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Wizard of Id-This joke would be better if you don’t read it in a black and white newspaper.

  163. Government Cheese
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#158): Ribaldry!

  164. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#158): Didn’t nature already provide him with one?

  165. parcheesi
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    I’ve always pictured Archie as a retardate, it makes a lot more sense that way, and I’m not just talking about his best friend’s proclivity for wearing paper crowns.

  166. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#140): No, the chicken hawk in Looney Tunes was little Henry Hawk, who was always trying to attack the spinster chicken and the others who were under rooster Foghorn Leghorn’s protection. Over on the Disney side of life, the chicken character was Minnie Mouse’s friend, Clara Cluck. Of course, strips like the Far Side and scads of others have always used nameless chickens for predictable gags.

  167. Poteet
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    9CL — I have abandoned my 9CL Sexual Innuendo Project because (1) just about every 9CL strip has it, one way or the other, and (2) keeping score required me to actually think about and try to analyze 9CL, and I could feel tiny brain tumors starting to form.

    @bbofun (#128): Yeah.

  168. Cynthia
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    MW: That Pepto-pink monstrosity looks as if it should be on “Cake Wrecks.”

  169. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#160): There are a number of inconsistencies with his webbing. Some can be explained, such as not sticking to his costume. Maybe his costume was specially made. Ok, but he was wearing street clothes on the truck. The bat didn’t stick to his hands because he was wearing gloves from his special costume – but the ball would have stuck to the bat.

  170. hatgirlstargazer
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    I’m choosing to believe that what’s really angering Crankshaft is that his neighbor doesn’t know how to properly say “cold ‘nuf for ya?”

  171. We Have Met the Shrug, and He Is Us
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Lenoxus (#75):

    In the old MAD comics parody of Pogo (GOPO GOSSUM), the swamp critters were having a fish fry as usual, and one of the fish jumps out of the frying pan to accuse them of “cannibobilism — fish is animals too!” The Howland Owl character explains “Thass true — but it getting harder to catch human beans ALL THE TIME!!”

  172. Hogenmogen
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#160): I don’t know how he lets go of the web that he slings, but since spiders can swing on webs and eventually let go, I give it a pass.

  173. jcesare
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Rex Morgan MD: SHE’S A WITCH!!!

  174. Calico
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Cynthia (#168):
    Love that site.
    James Lileks used to have a section on his regrettable food site called “Patty cake, Patty cake, Baker’s shame”, but he took it down-not sure why, as copyrights would have been long expired – featured a hilariously bad theme cake for each month of the year

  175. Shrug Would Not Be Sophie's Choice
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#82):

    JP- Is that “Mail Call’ some sort of generic, non-trademarked version of “You’ve Got Mail?” Or did Sophie hack some military software?

    Sophie’s computer is actually alerting her that she has a “Male Call”.

    ***********
    No, actually it’s reminding her that it is time for her weekly “Male Cull.” Sophie’s presence is requested in the basement dungeon, where she will select which captive hunks to temporarily keep for her own pleasures, and which ones to sell into slavery and/or as as food.

    It’s good to be rich!!

  176. CanuckDownSouth
    February 7th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#150): Nope, gotta go with Josh, the relationship sounds most like paternal adoptive half-sibling, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sibling#Adoptive_siblings. Same father through a legal adoption.

    Stepsiblings are specifically the children of your stepparent. Darrin is Fred’s child, not his stepchild. I know wiki is hardly the absolute final word in everything, but the accepted rule in this culture is that stepparents are new parents brought into relationship with a child by marrying that child’s parent. Adoptive parents are parents, plain and simple.

  177. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#112):

    Do not read the comments thread.

    Eh, nothing I haven’t seen before.

    I enjoyed the strip itself, though. Abbey’s look is somewhere between latter-season Joan Holloway and one of the discarded Catwoman designs.

  178. Ratiocinator
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @jcesare (#173): She did say that with her current wig she looked like Elvira. Foreshadowing, mayhaps?

  179. Shrughorn Leghorn
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#88):

    First they came for the chickens,
    and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a chicken.

    *************
    Ouch. But maybe instead “didn’t sqwack out” ?

  180. BOTR
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    MW: Love how Mary’s hair is out of place in panel two.

  181. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#154): Having the midwife strip would be a creative way to get the father to stick around through the length of the birth.

  182. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#166): “The name’s Hawk… Henery Hawk.”

    http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0039581/quotes

  183. bunivasal
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    I think Sam just heard her say “Sex” and involuntarily suppressed a gag.

  184. Calico
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug Would Not Be Sophie’s Choice (#175):
    Ah, so Sophie is the brains behind Anonymous. This explains a lot.
    Oh, and Neddy and Thalia are having a hot Anais Nin-inspired affair.

  185. Rolos Tuesday
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#4): Worried that he may be losing his “cancer comics” exclusivity as other strips like Rex Morgan move into that turf, Batiuk decides to move on and corner the comics-page market on estranged-step-half-sibling adulterous incest.

    I would have bet money that Brooke McEldowney had corned the market on THAT long before now.

  186. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    GT— Dinny has the remarkable ability to speak articulately while sucking down his soda. He’s a potential superstar in the gay porn industry.

  187. bats :[
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#126): evidently Breugger’s got a jump on things (like IHOP with the cheap pancakes last Tuesday instead of next Tuesday, the REAL Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday). Einstein Bros. is waiting until Saturday, though, to celebrate Bagel Day for all the purists…

  188. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @DaveyK (#143):

    Being aware of 30 stripper pregnancies is not terribly unusual. But being aware of 30 stripper pregnancies that last long enough to determine the sex of the fetus is something else entirely.

    @SF_Reader (#97):

    Let’s not forget Chicken Lady from The Kids in the Hall.

  189. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

  190. terrapin
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#152): Ah! So Shoe is post-Birds.

  191. Shrug, Untramelled
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#112):

    “Over in the 1969 Judge Parker run at DailyInk.com, the incredibly wealthy Abbey Spencer is throwing $40,000 at Sam Driver for…no, not nothing, but to fund the legal defense for people fighting antiquated and irrelevant laws.”

    Oh, I believe the Spencer-Drivers are *still* interested in overturning antiquated and irrelevant laws, like the ones forbidding lords of the manor from enslaving serfs, or the ones about rich families being limited to owning no more than one U.S. senator and four representatives at a time.

  192. David
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    FW – she could have phrased it more cuttingly, and referred to him as “my adopted stepbrother”, so it’s clear that she’s real family and he isn’t. Like Royal Tennenbaum’s way of introducing his “adopted daughter” Margot.

  193. KreatureFeatures
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#98): “Do you have a middle name?” LOL

  194. Bill
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: No, actually “strange” is feeling YOU!

  195. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#187) Apparently, Breugger’s wasn’t the only one to jump the gun on National Bagels & Lox Day:

    http://www.gocomics.com/lio/2013/02/04

  196. tallyHO
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#190):
    In the movie, it was tough to figure out what the birds wanted, what they were trying to achieve. As “Shoe” shows, they just wanted their own diners and bars and a place to kick up their feet.

  197. Calico
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#16):
    A looong time ago (Survivor 2 or 3, perhaps?) a contestant in Australia caught and knifed a pig to death. They were not given (obvious) permission to kill land animals. He did not thank the animal spirit for the much-needed nutrition.
    Several days later, while he was blowing on a fire to make it hotter, he sucked in some ashes and/or CO and passed out on the hot coals. He woke up with skin literally dripping off his hands. He was given a morphine puffer and airlifted off the show. Luckily he wasn’t facially injured.
    Karma sucks sometimes…

  198. Calico
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#196):
    They should be celebrating their Super Bowl victory!

  199. Anonymous
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: It’s like Chekhov always said: If a gun is shown in act one, it should be loaded in act two, and then thrown, unloaded, at an arbitrary party in act three.

  200. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#197): Interesting. I have NEVER thanked an animal spirit for nutrition, though I eat meat frequently, and have hunted and killed my own food on occasion. And yet I’ve managed to survive more than half a century without major incident.

    Karma’s pretty damn random, if you ask me.

  201. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#197):

    Mike Supkis in Survivor Season 2.

    He came back for the most recently aired season, and stuck around long enough to make it clear that he was just incredibly injury prone. Barely an episode went by where he didn’t burn himself, cut himself, rip his arms up climbing a tree, or most famously, cut up his face pretty badly jumping into the water while wearing a plastic face mask over his eyes.

  202. Anonymous
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#186): Speaking articulately is not a factor when it comes to success in the gay porn industry. (Yes, he said “comes,” oh ha ha, so very funny.)

  203. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#202):

    However, reading your dialogue while your mouth is full is a key skill for all facets of the industry.

  204. bats :[
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#161): WHAT is in that woman’s LEMONADE?

  205. tallyHO
    February 7th, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#198):
    Totally.
    In the movie, the residents of that lovely area just misunderstood the birds rampant destruction and deliberate eye pecking. There’s a chance they couldn’t just relax and celebrate sports victories back in the 1960s.

    But, now, they can do so with a can of beer, a bowl of chips, surf the web, complain about the atrocities of Birdland. They’ve come so far, those birds.

    Of course, perhaps that is because Heathcliff has yet to visit their Treetop Community. He’s probably both legendary and feared amongst those limb-dwelling…bird folk… that talk…and wear clothes…yeesh….can’t…continue…considering…what…abomination…the…very idea of…bird people…signifies….must…must…move on.

  206. Ranger™
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#187): You seem well versed in eating on the cheap. Does that mean you’re a Plugger?

  207. I speak Jive
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – I call BS. Pluggers have their TV plugged into the outlet that is connected to the light switch, so they can flip the switch in the morning and have the TV running all day. They sit planted in front of the TV in their recliners all day and won’t change the channel if they don’t have the remote in their hands (paws?). Who else is the Game Show Network’s prime demographic?

    9CL – What is going on? I thought Edda was a dedicated ballerina, and now she is a pianist? Can students in performing arts schools completely change their area of study like that? She would throw umpteen years of ballet study and practice out the window and take up a new field? Or has she been dedicated to piano study at the same time? Did that firing episode (with the grand final performance) really stick? Why am I asking this when I loathe these characters?

  208. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    Shoe-All birds are equal but some are more tastier than others.

  209. Baka Gaijin
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

  210. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    JP-Neddy and Thalia are lovers.

    MT-”Say, Mark, do you know the ‘Hail Mary’?”

  211. Mikey
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    B-wad:Hmm, I like what this one says

    Shannon: Does it say,
    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Sorry I’m,
    A stupid douche?

  212. numinous
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Legal note: It’s not an attempted assault. Any physical action with intent to harm that causes someone to fear for their physical well-being constitutes assault. Panel 3 makes an obvious case. Actually hitting someone is battery. Thus the dual phrase, “assault and battery.”

  213. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    Shoe-Nothing like watching those inferior chickens being slaughtered.

  214. Johnny Knuckles
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    FW: “I still admit to being 100% squicked out that she put her hand on his knee in panel two.” That means you’ll be 200% squicked out about where she put her hand in panel three.

  215. Majicou
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    ML: Trogdor was a man. I mean, he was a dragon. Or maybe he was a dragon man. But he was still TROGDOOOOOOOOR!

    RMMD: And I’ve read about women who can conjure fireballs. Guess how true I think both of these things are.

    Baldo: Mostly, the ladies just love Hernando’s hideaway.

  216. Droopy Says
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Two questions here:

    1: Spiderdick went webbing around Lost Wages, and now he’s in yet another city that isn’t New York. When does he refill the invisibly-small cannisters in his webshooters? Can he refill with that they sell at any drug store or hobby shop? Or does his radioactive-spider-bit flesh produce web material in the same way that a real spider makes it? In other words, does he pull it out of his ass and repackage it, the way the strip writers handle their material?

    2: Why San Francisco? In Vegas, the non-events centered on a tacky bit of costume jewelry, in a city known for the same. What grand cliche is there in San Francisco to make it worth wasting the Kingpin’s time? “I shall steal the recipe for Rice-A-Roni, The San Francisco Treat, and blackmail Jeopardy! into crowning me their All-Time Grand Champion!” “I am going to invade Alcatraz, then use my Count Weirdly Time Machine to rescue Al Capone, giving this strip a competent villain for a change!”

  217. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#215):

    Burninating of the village! Burninating all the peasants!

    My 6YO stepson insists that I include both Strongbad and Trogdor the Burninator in all his bedtime stories.

  218. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#176) said: “Darrin is Fred’s child, not his stepchild.”

    According to the FW website, Darrin was the offspring of Lisa and some fellow teenager from Big Walnut Tech named Frankie. Thus, I took Josh’s word for it that Darrin and Kerry were not biologically related, thus making Kerry Darrin’s stepsister. If Fred got Frankie to take the fall for him, and he is indeed Darrin’s biological father, then they are, of course, half-siblings. In the long run, it won’t matter, as some horrible fate undoubtedly awaits them regardless of their relationship.

  219. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Archie-Archie should be concentrating on the ski bunny slopes instead of the regular slopes.

  220. sporknpork
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    I’m still not convinced that the first two panels of Archie do not take place in an man-sized aquarium.

  221. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-”Oh hi, Kingpin.”

  222. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-It’s funny because now Cranky has to go get his shovel and then walk back and bash his neighbors head in.

  223. Voshkod
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @numinous (#212): Or, as they told us in law school: “Assault is scaring someone. Battery is what you thought assault was.”

  224. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    MW-That’ll show the heckler.

  225. Shrug, Seeing Double
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me, or does Kerry (that’s the lantern-jawed kid in FW about to fall in lust with his sorta-step-half-sister, right?) look (hair color aside) like a young version of former Senator and current Secretary of State John Kerry?

    ///Has anyone told Nostradamus about this?

  226. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    Shoe-Something brings a smile to my face over the thought of that white bird enjoying watching other birds slaughtered and cut up.

  227. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Seeing Double (#225): The lantern-jawed kid (Saint Dead Lisa’s bastard, who was adopted by Fred and Ann Fairgood) is Darin. Kerry is Darin’s previously unknown almost-relative, who is now coming on to him. What is especially creepy to me is that Kerry looks like a younger version of Ann Fairgood. Since Kerry’s mother was Fred Fairgood’s first wife, that means that Fred’s first and second wives must have looked remarkably like each other. Do you suppose they were actually sis…

    Nope. Not going there, sorry.

  228. Baka Gaijin
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    I love Mr. Bassy’s top secret award-winning fishing strategy: If there’s no fish here, we’ll go somewhere else. Wow. Just wow.

  229. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#227):

    Remember that all of Batiuk’s couples must look alike – Darrin and Jessica, Jeff and Girl-Jeff from Crankshaft, and even Fred and Anal. Whether this is due to inbreeding or just lack of imagination is left to the imagination.

  230. Ratiocinator
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#216): 1. This version uses web-shooters.

    Slightly off-topic: after the first movie came out, Marvel decided “Hey, he’s able to shoot webs out of his body in the movie, so our Spider-Man should be able to do that too! Let’s change him and have him mutate into this monstrous cross between a spider and human before having him return to normal except, you know, with the leftover ability to shoot organic web out of his wrists!”

    Most fans of the comic books thought this was stupid. Later on, that Peter Parker went back to using mechanical web-shooters because a retcon undid the events that gave him organic webbing. But the less said about that retcon the better, since it ended up doing far more harm than good. Suffice to say that it’s been discussed here in the comments before, during Josh’s posts about comic-strip Peter having a dream about him and MJ not being married.

    Anyway, you’re right, he should be running low on webbing by now. In the comics he has noticed when his web-shooters were close to empty, and he’s sometimes run out entirely if he’s been fighting for a long time.

  231. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

  232. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#229): Is that why Kayla is becoming Caucasian?

  233. Dood
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Bit of an Archie meta-question: Do you suppose Jughead is wearing his crown underneath his nifty knit winter ski cap?

  234. Dood
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#228): You don’t become Rod Freakin’ Bassy without making bold decisions like that.

  235. comcis fan
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    MW: Saint Mary, Our Lady of the Cake, shows that a successful confectionary transfer is the best revenge.

  236. Baka Gaijin
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#233): It’s times like this I’m sad St. Thomas Aquinas isn’t here. He’d have a good reply to your question.

  237. Dood
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    Tomorrow Archie boxes against Apollo Creed. “Yo, Betty! I mean, yo, Veronica!”

  238. UncleJeff
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @amy c (#24): COTW (nominee, at least)!

  239. CanuckDownSouth
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#218): The trouble with using “stepsibling” is that in our society “step” designates a relationship produced by your parent marrying the new stepsib’s parent. You’re not family before that relationship. I’ve never heard of it designating the condition of having a parent in common regardless of a marriage. (And apparently the wiki editors haven’t either.)

    Something like nonbiological half-sibling or adoptive half-sibling is a bigger mouthful. I’d just abbreviate it to half-sibling like Josh did. But whatever’s used, “step” just doesn’t cut it. “Step” doesn’t catch all non-biological sibling relationships. Darrin is a legally adopted child. He is the child of Fred + wife2. Kerry is the child of Fred + wife1. Kerry and Darrin have half their parents in common and don’t need someone to marry somebody else in order to bring them into a sibling relationship.

    Therefore I would never use “step” as a designation of such a relationship. I find it disturbing because it sounds like downgrading Darrin’s relationship with his dad, as if he doesn’t count as a child because he’s adopted.

  240. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#227): At the very least Fred repeatedly sought out a certain physical type. I think I can guess what a family portrait of his mother looked like.

  241. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#216): Why San Francisco?

    Maybe he’s planning to go up against Plastic Man’s old enemy, Rice O’Rooney (The San Francisco Threat!) after he brings down The Kingpin.

  242. Cloudbuster
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    MW: Really waiting for Mary to tell that heckler “Fill yer hands, you son of a bitch!”

  243. Baka Gaijin
    February 7th, 2013 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#241): Oh ha ha HA!!!

  244. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 7th, 2013 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Cynthia (#168):

    MW: That Pepto-pink monstrosity looks as if it should be on “Cake Wrecks.”

    Egad! You’re like, psychic:
    “Killer Math”
    http://www.cakewrecks.com/

  245. MWDG
    February 7th, 2013 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    MW:As one of our Mary Worth Discussion Group cleverly remarked… the Mary figure on top of the cake looks like she has soaked her Depends or perhaps can’t make it to the toilet after a coffee enema.

    I can’t imagine what pathetic person would pay for a ticket to see some old hag and shemale bake a 1940s style cake.

  246. UncleJeff
    February 7th, 2013 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#98): The really funny thing about bats:{ mash-ups is that she makes Rusty Trail a far more interesting and active character than Jack Elrod.

  247. Sequitur
    February 7th, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#236): ALbert Camus has an answer but he ain’t talking.

  248. bats :[
    February 7th, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Ranger™ (#206): most likely. My only other defense is that I am the child of Depression-era parents. :) @I speak Jive (#207):

    @I speak Jive (#207): Edda has always played the piano (well, maybe from age six or so when a lot of kids start, but her being a Specialist Snowflake, she may have popped from the womb with the Thompson series of piano music). She is often an accompanist for Amos, but maybe her toes are giving out and she’s falling back on pianisting as a way of making a living.
    It was better when Solange was hiding in the piano.

  249. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 7th, 2013 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#239) said: “Therefore I would never use “step” as a designation of such a relationship. I find it disturbing because it sounds like downgrading Darrin’s relationship with his dad, as if he doesn’t count as a child because he’s adopted.”

    My comment was directed solely at Josh’s statement. I agree that from a psychological standpoint, the legal/biological descriptors “step-” and “half-” are not useful. In a healthy family environment, Darin and Kerry would simply be “brother” and “sister”. Now, if we could only find a healthy family environment in FW…

  250. Alison
    February 7th, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    “Crankshaft”: I’ve never heard anyone ask “Snowy enough for you?” before. I’ve always heard “Hot enough for you?” That makes more sense. They should have saved this punchline for July and had Cranshaft throw, I dunno, a barbeque at his neighbor.

    “Luann”: I hope this valentine says “You deserve better”.

  251. Mikey
    February 7th, 2013 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#230): Yeah, but I think newspaper Spider-Man can use Silly String if he runs out. What’s funny is that he can probably wear his Spider-Man outfit on Market or Castro St. and noone will even bat an eye. I can see him on Castro in his Spidey outfut with a “Why is noone noticing me” bubble. Still confused, next bubble is the giant question mark with radiating lines.

  252. Zerowolf
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Crankshaft brings back memories. At the apartment I rented before I bought the condo the parking spots could not be plowed. However, the apartment building over the fence had a plowable parking lot. we were digging our cars out after getting a couple of feet of snow (translation dig through a 5 feet high, 3 feet wide snow banking left by the street plow) for the third time in two weeks. A woman from the apartment across the fence who merely had to brush off her car and move maybe three or four shovel fulls of snow said, “Are we having fun yet?” The guy upstairs had to restrain his wife,otherwise she was going over that fence to commence a beat down with her snow shovel while yelling, “I’ll show you some fun, you fucking bitch.”

  253. Sequitur
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#252):

    “Are we having fun yet?”

    Must have been Zippy the Pinhead’s wife, Zerbina.

    And from the Big Bag o’ Useless Zippy Trivia comes this ditty.

    Dingburg is located 17 miles west of Baltimore. Really!
    (That’s where Josh hangs out before he comes in late on Sunday)

  254. Zerowolf
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    FW: The hair, the glasses, the smirk, there is only one explanation: Kerry’s mother is Les Moore.

  255. Droopy Says
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#239): I don’t know the exact relationship between Squicky Ickybean’s Kerry and Dullwin, but I can make this call: it’s the most depressing and disturbing relationship Batiuk can imagine. And it will get worse when Creepy Les finds that Dead Fucking Lisa has left a VHS tape for Dullwin.
    .
    Truth is, I like Batiuk. I like anyone who makes me seem cheerful by comparison.

  256. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    MT: Growing ever more frustrated, Rod and Mark try yet another part of the lake.

  257. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#91): You know, the first thing I thought when I saw that Archie comic was that Archie, with his look of grim determination, really looked like Reggie Mantle rather than Archie. And that was when I realized that I knew both Reggie’s first and last names…

    Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountain, like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow. How did it come to this?

  258. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    Are you really going to do this, Mr. Batiuk? Are you going to allow two characters (albethem minor ones) to have a carnal extra-marital relationship? Then I must ask – why them? WHY NOT LES AND ME?? Because I see that’s the only way we’ll ever be together.

    You could let Les think of me fondly and remember our “past” together, and then he’d feel compelled by desire to “get together” with me again. But NOOOO, you are so enamored by Cayla the Hag that it’s like I never even existed. How could you let HER, that sack of gloom and mean-spiritedness, replace me?? Didn’t I provide enough Drama? Geeze, I freakin tried to Kill Myself!! What more could you want?

    And what’s going on with the “lovebirds” anyway. Is anyone keeping an eye on things? That B**** could have poisoned him by now!!

    And only a week til Valentine’s Day.

    Your faithful co-respondent,
    Susan Smith, President

  259. Liam
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Dude, I went to this cake competition and this old couple had an all pink cake and the wildest thing is that I wasn’t on any drugs at the time. The cake really pink. Everything was pink.”

  260. Poteet
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#216): I am also mildly fascinated by San Francisco journalism, specifically that newspaper story with the huge photo of Kingpin next to what seemed to be and probably was sheer unattributed gossip. I am grateful that Iowa is generally considered so boring that the Webslinger is unlikely to come here.

  261. Mr K Martin
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    FOOTWEAR: (Sorry. I meant “Shoe”.) If there is ever an avian version of the movie “Alive”, I envision a scene of a snowbound Shoe, Skyler, Loon, and Roz glumly sustaining themselves by eating Perfesser McNuggets.

  262. Anonymous
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    RM: A woman who can smell pregnancy, including gender. This is California, Rex. The couple thousand white people left who aren’t fabulously wealthy are crazy. Go home. As for “Melissa might want to help.” Don’t even bother asking.
    Shoe: Josh, they’re not birds; they’re characters in a comic strip. Relax.
    FC: From a few days ago, the one about Dolly wanting to wear her mother’s sweater someday. Forget it. When you’re Mommy’s age, you’re going to be about 250. The boys could be called husky or overweight. Dolly is FAT, as are her female friends. I’ve never understood the point of that. Actually in a fairly recent “Billy draws the strip” the sketchy Dolly looked almost human. Maybe they should have “Billy” draw the strip in that style from now on.

  263. commodorejohn
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#262): This is California, Rex. The couple thousand white people left who aren’t fabulously wealthy are crazy.
    Well, there’s also all the people in the copious intersection of those two sets.

  264. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    Nehemiah Scudder #256: Hey, man, you didn’t get the word not to take the brown acid? Bummer.

  265. commodorejohn
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#260): Any place Peter isn’t is a place that isn’t as boring as it could be!

  266. Sequitur
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    l looked deeply into the heart of man expecting to find answers but all I found was Ripley’s!

    CHARLES OSBORNE of Iowa started to hiccup uncontrollably in 1922 and couldn’t stop for 68 YEARS!

    He stopped when he was scared to death as Poteet made him read 9 Chickweed Lane (it was one of the episodes where the Burber women show all their teeth).

  267. Droopy Says
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#260): This Kingpin arc could be resolved right away. All Parker has to do is pull that old newspaper page out of his pocket and look at the date on it. Monday, October 16th, 1972. Oh. Bit late to the show, Parker. Now go home. New York Village is due west of your present position, so start walking.

  268. seismic-2
    February 7th, 2013 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    SM: There are no cars in the streets or on the Golden Gate Bridge, and the city is completely deserted save for Peter and (allegedly) the Kingpin. Does San Francisco have some kind of inverse Mardi Gras this time of year, or what? Could it be that maybe the city knew that Peter was coming, and everyone took the day off? I’ll bet they’re all hiding out in Santa Cruz, waiting for him to leave.

  269. Sequitur
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    I think Dennis has been listening to pastordan!

  270. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    The 137th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show starts next Monday, and DailyINK demands they recognize the Cartoon Dog category:

    http://dailyink.com/cartoondogs?ref=promo_dogs

  271. Chip
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Horribly burned hands?” He missed an opportunity to draw hands that actually look like what they’re supposed to?!

  272. Sequitur
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#270): VOTE FOR ANDY! The only smart character in Mark Trail.

  273. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    MT: So, Mark, let me be straight up with you. The real reason I, Rod Bassy, am such a successful fisherman is that I always drop a load of mescaline before a major tournament. Or mushrooms, I like mushrooms too. Helps me get into the heads of the fish. Nothing to do with that silly lure, but I need some kind of cover, you know? Anyhoo, I put some mesc in your coffee awhile back so you’ll be seeing what I see real soon!

  274. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#270): Missing from DailyINK’s list of Cartoon Dogs: Bullet (Snuffy Smith) and Devil (The Phantom).

    Also omitted from the list: Sassy, the Cookie Dough Dog (Mark Trail). But they included Andy, so go figure!

  275. Sequitur
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#273): Whoa! Cruising on Alice B. Toklas’ wallpaper!

  276. Poteet
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#266): Thanks for the reminder that 9CL is good for something! I should have made him read some PIBGORN.

  277. Poteet
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#267): We can hope…

  278. Dr. Pill
    February 7th, 2013 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    Over at King Features, the ad for purchasing prints of comics has a Valentine’s Day theme and shows the Lockhorns in a rare tender moment looking lovingly at a print of Family Circus. Now what could the Keanes tell the Lockhorns about love and family?

    Me, I’d ask the Forths …

  279. mary_worthless
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @FafnerMorell (#9): Oh, wow….just, wow.

    BTW, is Morell your last name? It was mine @ one time (my oldest son’s name is Morell). Unusual to see the spelling w/only 1 “r”.

    (of course, it may just be part of your handle that has nothing to do w/your name.)

  280. Sgt. Stoned
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#16): MW: Mary’s menstrual cycle?? That creek dried up long, long ago. And apparently “light and fluffy” cakes are verboten at the Santa Royale Cake Baking and Cake Lifting SuperBowl.

    RMMD: Given her grasp of female physiology, the cancer-stricken stripper chick just might be a graduate of the Todd Akin School of Medicine.

  281. Mikey
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#256): Awesome!! You know, he said he was waiting until he had a strike. Are they actually bowling out on the lake? I can’t really tell…

  282. commodorejohn
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#280): You know, in fairness, in a universe where the cure for date-rape drugs is smelling salts, maybe she can smell-check a baby’s genitals while it’s still in the womb. Maybe the Rex Morgan universe just runs off scent-based medicine.

    Maybe that’s why Rex is smelling his finger all the damn time.

  283. commodorejohn
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    @mary_worthless (#279): André Morell of Quatermass and the Pit was also spelled with the one R.

    Not that I have anything interesting to say about it, I just wanted an excuse to mention Quatermass and the Pit. Because it’s excellent.

  284. Vince M
    February 7th, 2013 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#135): I can’t let this thread go by without calling for Super Chicken!
    Also, Tex Avery had a few one-shot chickens, my favorite being the love triangle in “The Hick Chick”.

  285. bats :[
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#273): Finally! Some new wallpaper for the Lost Forest chateau — Cherry will be so pleased!

  286. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#197):

    That was Survivor2, and Survivor3 was in Africa…..why do I know this….

    // I used to watch this show all the time, but started losing interest around season 10 or so.

    // I also remember listening to a radio commercial where they were making fun of Survivor7 when Survivor2 was airing. And why are the upon now, Survivor26 now?!

  287. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#211):

    “B-wad:Hmm, I like what this one says

    Shannon: Does it say,
    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Sorry I’m,
    A stupid Piggy Faced douche?”

    Improved that for ya!

  288. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#251): Spider-Man, where are you coming from,
    Spider-Man, nobody knows who you are!

  289. Ethan Shuster
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    Wait, why is Crankshaft trying to kill Jerry Seinfeld?

  290. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 7th, 2013 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    @Ethan Shuster (#289):

    NO SOUP FOR YOU!!

  291. Droopy Says
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Uh, oh, a real superhero! Or at least one who isn’t as lame as Spiderdick. Time for Parker to rent a motel room, watch some TV and think of what to tell MJ. “Yeah, hon, I forgot this country is lousy with superheroes in tights. Is there any place I can go for some respect? . . . Provo, Utah. MJ, did I mention the tights?”

    Squicky Ickybean: Dullin’s intense emotionality is more than a cartoon can express. Either that or he really is bored stiff by this development.

    Family Circus: Should I go for the easy shot? “Oh, Jeffy, the hood is on right, it’s your melon that’s on backward!” Or “Just pull the hood up, Jeffy, it’s meant to be in front.” How about “That’s no hood, it’s a barf bag for your nauseating dialog.”

    Phantom: Bring a one-shot rifle to a close-quarters fight against a man with two .45 pistols? Dude, you forgot the first rule of survival: always bring your forehead (and accompanying brain) with you.

    Mary Mirthless: And one of gthe thing they did was to decorate the cake with floral fortune cookies. A platitude in every bite!

    Mock Travail: You’ve heard of Arnie’s Army? The ducks, or geese, or whatever they are, are Rod’s Regiment, following him from fishing spot to fishing spot.

  292. Mr. O’Malley
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#155): @Hogenmogen (#172): @Ratiocinator (#160): Real spiders’ webs are not uniformly sticky. They have little blobs of sticky stuff on them. Spiders don’t stick to their own webs because they don’t step on the sticky bits.

    It’s a pity he didn’t put a cable car in that panel, then it would look just like those souvenir glasses they sell at Fisherman’s Wharf. On the back side is Chinatown, Coit Tower and Crookedest Street in the World.

    Kingpin is going to raze Candlestick Park and move the 49ers to Santa Clara!

  293. tallyHO
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    What the JimDangity DingDong?

    In Mary Worth, Mary goes from age-independent confidence to outright fatalism! It’s “out of our hands” indeed! Mr. Whipple over there wants to squeeze the Charmin, Mary! The man gotta have it! That’s the root of his confidence. Don’t shatter it for him. Back up that caboose!

    Slylock Fox’s Art Gallery For Recent Dreams

    Both the guest drawing and the How-To drawing depict cries for help. Maybe each can help the other…or each will scare the stuffing out the other.
    I keed, I keed. Both are simply drawn representations of the Super Ego, right?

    Mark Trail

    In the land of cyan water
    wah-a-tur
    In the land of bass fish catching
    In the land of bass fish catching
    Maaaaaaan!

    Snuffy Smif
    Dotty, I believe there is a man you want to meet. His cakes and his presents are hidden talents that beg to be explored. The man’s name: John Dill, the heir of the Pickle Fortune and the widow of Betty Crocker.
    He even has a name for your honeymoon suite: The Squeaka Dilly Circus.

    (I promise, Baka, no clowin’ around)

    apt 3G
    To paraphrase Bob Dylan, it take a lot to laugh, a train to cry and a Bond James Bond to smirk while chocking back tears!

    When he’s talkin’ about he and Margo Magee
    la…lalala la la la

    Hi&Lois
    Hi, man-to-man, one day your kids are gonna realize that Dad is soooo stoned that your sphere of influence will be relegated to bedtime for bonghits.

  294. tallyHO
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    And, if you’ve ever chocked back tears, you know just how it can cause choking.

    @tallyHO (#293):

    heh. Mary Worth chock blocked my confidence!

  295. tallyHO
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#293):
    JimDangity Dangit!

    I can spell made up phrases just fine. That’s not a problem. But, when it comes down to “clowning” I become a bit cloying and decide to spell is “clowing”?

    Incroyable!

  296. Baka Gaijin
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#268): I had to laugh. The entire population of San Francisco crammed in Santa Cruz, assless chaps to assless chaps.

    // I know, cheap stereotyping that’s not true. Lost of SF’ers wear proper trousers.

  297. Baka Gaijin
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    Friday’s Strips

    Oh God. Most men his age would be bragging about tricking those blonde hardbody twins into his bed by making them think he’s got a “Charmin Fortune” as their “Age is a Number” epiphany, not hauling 20 pounds of pink frosting and a grotesque tiki idol 10 feet. Even worse, he couldn’t carry it all by himself; he needed the help of an osteoporotic old crone.

    No Jeffy, this hoodie is from Wal*Mart’s “Won’t this fracking kid ever shut his stupid pie hole” collection.

    And over in Beetle Bailey Land, wimmens, amirite? It’s almost as if the Women’s Movement didn’t happen…

  298. Baka Gaijin
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    Love the understated humor in Sally Forth. I’ve got to find a way to work Hil’s speech into conversation at work.

    Slylock Fox: Shy mouse or mooning mouse, you decide.

    Kudos to Get Fuzzy. Satch burned Bucky. Not literally.

  299. Da Coconino Kid
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:24 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#88):

    Unless they’ve recently changed which species have the power of speech, it works the other way, too:

    First they came for the chickens,
    and I didn’t speak out because … I was a freakin’ chicken.

  300. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:32 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#62): @TheDiva (#92): The problem with McE’s Drusilla-as-Scheherazade thing remains that she’s a succubus, not a human woman. We know that Drusilla can be fried, skewered, flambeed, roasted, sliced, devoured, and so on, and come out of it alive. She may be saving lives here, but the cost to her is only the boredom involved in boinking the same person night after night (as a succubus, having to have sex with him wouldn’t be a problem at all, as we’ve already seen). The original human Scheherazade was brave as well as selfless, in that if she screwed up, she was next on the chopping block. She also risked pregnancy and the dangers it posed; again, nothing that a succubus need concern herself about.

  301. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:38 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#216): One of the artists wanted to draw Spiderman dangling from the Golden Gate Bridge, so…

  302. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:44 am [Reply]

    The real inspiration for the pink Mary Worth cake…

  303. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:48 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#248): @I speak Jive (#207): Edda is no longer a ballerina in the wake of her faux-pregnancy scare and her modeling stint with Cygnet Whatever-It-Was. Although she was basically fired, and only a second-tier ballerina, they allowed her a final dramatic performance as a send-off.

    Why she is now playing solo concert piano, and why people would bother paying money to hear her perform (unless it’s some sort of comedy routine) has not been explained.

    But we are beefwits, and explanations are crass, or something.

  304. seismic-2
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:14 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#303): Edda was of course Amos’ accompanist in his cello recitals, especially the big contest in Belgium where they got rampant on the Bösendorfer. I presume she now has a flourishing career as a concert pianist, playing the unaccompanied accompaniment part of cello sonatas. The audience hums the cello parts to themselves. Concert Karaoke!

    Hey, she’s a Burber. The world will pay handsomely for concert tickets to watch her do anything at all, just as an excuse to worship at her feet. Brooke demands it!

  305. Droopy Says
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:30 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#302): The thought of connecting “Mary Worth” and “cut the cake” . . . it is to shudder, as a side-effect of vomiting.

  306. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 8th, 2013 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    @Da Coconino Kid (#299): I was actually quoting Pluggers’ Henrietta Beak — or did you assume just chicken noises came out of her mouth beak?

  307. gleeb
    February 8th, 2013 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    Bizarro: I get the play on words, but that water bird doesn’t look triumphant enough.

    ‘bean: “Of course, my mother was able to speak coherently when I met her, so I’ve got that over you.” If this is headed towards a tearful, or even an angry-snot-flecked confrontation of dullard Durwood with his long-lost daddie, it may have been worth it. It would be awkwardly and absurdly written, and thus hilarious. But it’s probably just a little trip back to the deadwife well, which is funny, but more pathetic.

    Sophie of Bletchley Park: That means that word is the key to the cryptogram! Figure out what she’s really trying to say, Soph! Or you could, you know, call her on the phone.

    Baldo: That can’t be original to this strip; it’s too good.

    Dick: Back to the mudlarkers…and a victim! Did Sweatsock kill him because he was Japanese, or for some other reason? This is getting close to “it happened” territory. The only exciting thing we’ve had in a month has been a softball smashing a window.

    Thorp: Bobby Ottewill, the Tertullian of Milford high, believes because it is impossible.

  308. Notebooked
    February 8th, 2013 at 7:16 am [Reply]

    Wait, wait, hold on a sec–an average woman can sense pregnancy, and Spider-Man can’t even sense a brick?

  309. Morgan Wick
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    And Funky completes the pass of Pluggers for sole possession of tenth place.

    I think the point of the Archie strip is “ha ha, Archie is hardheaded” or maybe he’s just that determined to impress Betty and Veronica with his mad ski skillz. Or maybe the AJGLU-3000 came up with the visual and attempted to generate a setup from that? I don’t know.

  310. DaveP
    February 8th, 2013 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    PSCSS (Possibly Suicidal Cancer-Stricken Stripper) said nothing about the gender of the baby. Pretty sure she and Rex are just telling stories about who did what at the conception.

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