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The audience sure is eager to take flash photos of the back of Mary and John’s heads

Mary Worth, 2/14/13

It’s always a dodgy business, trying to translate the contortions of the lumpy head-fronts of Mary Worth characters into real human emotions, but I think Mary looks kind of surprised in panel two by the announcement that this absurd cake contest somehow has the funding to hand out thousands of dollars to its winners. “You earned it! …wait, what? $10,000? I mean we earned it, we earned it, yes, look at me, I have a yellow ‘1st’ ribbon pinned to me, hand over that check, hand over that enormous novelty check to me right now, I was an integral part of this operation.

Apartment 3-G, 2/14/13

I guess Lu Ann is supposed to be in Texas getting to know her birth mother Ruby better, or maybe in South Dakota trying to mend the relationship with her adoptive family that was always fraught for reasons she never understood, either possibility serving as a fine potential storyline that we will of course never, ever get to see. Nevertheless, it’s fun to see her call in and act baffled about the concept of fire, and her interrobang nicely captures her flailing, agitated confusion. “How could our building catch fire, Tommie!? Are buildings made of flammable material? Who stole the flame-magic from the sky god?” Tommie, meanwhile, is concerned that the Professor is sitting alone in the smoldering shell of their apartment building, wondering about the smell and the draft.

Crock, 2/14/13

It appears that the characters of Crock, having been promised a release from their endless purgatory that has yet to arrive, have simply decided to stop telling terrible Crock-jokes. And more power to them!

356 responses to “The audience sure is eager to take flash photos of the back of Mary and John’s heads”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Herb & Jamaal

    Apparently, the blind — or visually impaired — reverend possesses Daredevil’s radar sense. It’s either that or his continued abuse of benzodiazepines has finally caused him to hallucinate. (A dollar sign floating in midair? Classic symptom!)

  2. Chareth Cutestory
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: This is surreal, indeed! Had I known that all it took to win $10,000 was a simple monochrome cake with a small figurine on top, I would have chosen a different path in life.

  3. Alter Ego
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    love is… Saint Sebastian roleplay.

  4. sully
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    There’s a million lines here? I can’t think of a one of them.

  5. pugfuggly
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    MW “..and a special surprise: 20 minutes ago we laced your water bottles with mescaline for the audience’s entertainment. Have a nice tri-i-i-i-i-i-i-p…..!”

    A3G I think you made the right choice, Tommie. Make sure to secure Margo’s powerful spirit within its mortal coil for the good of the planet first, then worry about whether Col Sanders got roasted.

    Crock Am I the only one who’s actually struggling to come up with a line that would go in that panel? So far, I’ve got:

    -”Rocks are necessary: his shits are sure are explosive!”
    -”And it’ll only get pigger as he passes more stones!”
    - something something ‘brick shithouse’
    -???

  6. Ratiocinator
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    ASM: You guys writing this strip, you had to know that people would make jokes about Spidey being gay for Daredevil, right? Are you just lobbing softballs at us comic strip snarkers now?

    FW: In past years, trombonists were able to sometimes escape and go into hiding, freeing themselves from Dinkle’s iron-fisted rule. If only those traitorous ingrates had had GPS’s installed in their bodies back in his day, Dinkle muses. Then he would have easily tracked them down one by one and made them pay…pay in BLOOD and AGONY…

    RMMD: Damn you for being so lovable, Delores. I want to snark at this strip and you’re making it impossible because I would feel guilty.

    Slylock: Things beginning with the letter S? Well, there’s a SNOWFLAKE. That’s one. I see another SNOWFLAKE, so that makes two. And then there’s another SNOWFLAKE, so three…do you really want me to keep going on like this, comic strip question-asker? Because this could take a very, very long time.

  7. Little Blue Bicycle
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    MW: It is surreal. In fact the special surprise is a large clock drooping over the cake.

  8. nescio
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie forgot about someone? Isn’t it usually the other way around?

    MW: The special surprise is that they’ve been launched into outer space? The lack of oxygen will make them really appreciate nature.

    Crock: So it’s not sand, it’s coke?

  9. Ranger
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    MW: Fireworks? Indoor fireworks? First, is that safe? Second, how much funding/sponsorship does this freaking contest have?

  10. NonnyMus
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Who on this planet asks what a person who lives in a burnt building said? Normal people would freakin’ ask, “Is so-and-so o.k.? How about whats-and-so? Did you hear from whassisname? How about the Taser lady? Oh, that’s right. She moved.”

    I mean, once you find out someone is o.k., you might ask what they said. But not before.

    And Tommie shows why people who are emotionally involved in an incident NEVER work triage for that incident. She completely forgot a victim. Sheesh!

  11. Buck Ripsnort
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Crock: Seriously, I got nuthin’. It must be something absolutely filthy, or shameless Rechin would have thrown it in there. Crock shits rocks?

    MW: Mary’s head-bobble actually comes in the first panel. She’s clearly trying to duck all the hot popcorn the audience is throwing at her.

  12. Clint Brawny
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Spiderman celebrates Valentine’s Day in San Francisco.

  13. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#5): “A reinforced outhouse will come in handy the next time Crock has Rocky Stoneaxe over for dinner!”

  14. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Consider yourself lucky that I remembered you, Lu Ann. Now go back to whatever it is that you are doing.”

    A3G 2-And somewhere in the rubble is Ari burnt to a crisp because he oiled himself up in the hopes of making love like his Grecian ancestors did with one of the firemen who was going to rescue him.

    Spiderman-Insert gay joke here.

    FC-Sorry Dolly but you have a long way to go before you beat out Barry from ‘Curtis’ in the ‘Love for Mothers’ category.

    MW-As the contest place disappears and a backdrop of stars appears.

    Love Is-Two naked eight year olds that aren’t even married.

    MT-This lady let me take all these nature pictures of her.

  15. pugfuggly
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#5):

    “And it’ll only get bigger” Jesus, I am useless in the morning…

    ASM “This is quite a way to be spending valentines! I could be at home watching the Duck Dynasty marathon snacking on discount chocolate!”

    FW And another in the mysterious punchline department: here’s a GPS for your trombone section so…..they can ‘find the beat’? So you can locate the section you have the least affection for? ‘Cuz ‘trombone’ is a great punchline to virtually any set-up?

    MT I really hope that this storyline just ends here: Mark goes home, eats pancakes, and concedes to Cherry and Doc that, in spite of all his bizarre behavior, Rod is simply a very talented angler and a genuinely decent man.

  16. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    MW-”A new car.”

  17. SPG
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Crock: If only all of our comic creators could learn to crowd-source their jokes. And by crowdsource I mean “offer two panels of drawings and tell the reader that I won’t be making a joke, the very thing I am paid to do, and I don’t even have a joke in mind, but I trust that you can come up with something humorous for what I’ve drawn. Or maybe you can’t, in which case, you might have the makings of a cartoonist.”

  18. Ratiocinator
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#13): You have to endure dinner with Crock?

    You poor, poor soul…

  19. Mikey
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    MT: Bluegill:”Are you finished with your business here?”
    Mark: “Yes! I just took a Rusty!”

  20. Little Blue Bicycle
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie you misunderstand, Lu Ann doesn’t know where fire comes from. But surely a professor will know.

  21. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    FW: GPS for the Trombone section because they get lost all the time or something? Is that the joke? Weak tea indeed.

    Bigporn: All demon porn, all the time!

    Luann: Boy doesn’t she feel dumb now. All I can say is that Quill better get get some for this.

    Crock: This certainly is a crock, that’s for sure.

  22. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    The joke in Crock is that the guy is, in the second panel…sinking into quicksand? had his legs amputated at the shins? Or is the desert finally rising up in disgust to swallow the Crockverse? No, that would be too kind.

  23. Mibbitmaker
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    MW: “Your surprise IS…. A Romantic Sea Cruise for TWO!!!”

    MARY (thinking): “Oh, dear… we may have given the contest people the wrong idea!”

    DILL (thinking): “YESSSS!!!”

    MARY (thinking): “Gee, I hope it’s sanitary…!”

  24. sully
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    ‘Crock’ won’t touch a one of those million lines? They could learn a thing or two from ‘Adam @ Home’. One of their ‘writer’s’ favorite techniques is dragging out a lame pun until the second-last panel, then actually showing the characters laughing in the final frame, as if to cue the reader that it’s time to guffaw at the hilarity. Or groan, or growl, or curse, as the case may be.

  25. Ratiocinator
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#22): The desert doesn’t want to swallow the Crockverse. Can you blame it for not wanting that inside of it?

  26. Crankenstank
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    I think from the “fireworks” and the amazingly over the top “prize” and that expression on Mary’s face that we can conclude the secret ingredient in the cake was grown in Mendocino County.

  27. LaziestManOnMars
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Ten grand???

  28. Marc
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    9CL- The first caboose? Too cheap to ride coach?

    A3G- So Ari is as forgettable as Tommie is forgetful. And on top of that, Lu Ann is apparently even dumber than we ever gave her credit for.

    Mark Trail- If that ass-talking bird took all the pictures, what the fuck was Rusty doing all that time?

    Mary Worth- $10,000 prize and a special surprise for winning a small time cake baking contest? And that was the winning entry? Shit, I got into the wrong profession.

    Funky- Ugh, terrible.

    Luann- This is just too fucking stupid. Good thing Quill had a spare $1,500 bucks lying around for the round trip ticket so he could see that horrible bitch in person.

  29. pugfuggly
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft “‘Love, Jeff’? Hmmm…can you fit ‘Scared to die alone without you, Jeff’ on the card?”

    Luann So Quill is back in America and the whole baby-sitting gig was just a set-up by Brad to get them some love-day alone time. Awwww……Of course, the dark underside to this story is that when the happy couple get down to business later tonight, Luann is still going to have intense feelings of gratitude towards her brother swimming around in her head, which is bound to make it a somewhat confusing encounter. And won’t this be her first time? Hmmm…better start saving that babysitting money now for a psychoanalysis fund.

  30. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Oddly enough, back in the long-gone days when Funky Winkerbean was actually funny, Harry Dinkle was my least favorite character. Probably because I never got the band jokes, and thought he was overused. Now, he’s probably my favorite character (as much as one can have one in today’s Funkyverse), seeing as he’s the only one who isn’t maudlin, smug, tragedy-stricken, or just a complete douchebag.

    Which probably means he’ll die of cancer by the end of the year.

  31. Notebooked
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#5): Something something shitting bricks something
    I got one — “stone outhouse for a kidney stone”, but that’s hardly a good line (never stopped Crock) and it’s certainly not a million.

  32. Kwazzymodo
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    MW – The special surprise is obviously a two-year contract for a show on the Food Network featuring Mary Worth themed cake wars….Or a giant cake in the shape of a penis as a proposal from John. It could go either way.

  33. Majicou
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Singles Awareness Day Mega-Snark!

    Man, Mary Worth is too conceptual and trippy for me. I mean, moving the setting from a simple cake contest to the death-throes of the universe, supernovae popping like firecrackers as all prepare to merge with the Omega Meddler… that’s just weird.

    Would it blow Big Nate‘s mind to know that the Wachowski Brothers are now credited as “The Wachowskis” because they aren’t two brothers anymore?

    Classic Calvin and Hobbes provides ANOTHER glimpse into Brooke McEldowney’s writing process.

    Maybe Dinkle in Fuckyou Fuckyfuck (I blame sleep deprivation) can pay for the GPS system with money from the ATM machine–provided he can remember his PIN number.

    Hi has given his kids Valentines with black hearts–no ambiguity there. Sleep with one eye open, kids!

    Luann stepped into the darkened house. The silence felt like a pillow suffocating the last vestiges of hope from the world. A sliver of moonlight fell on a shock of brushlike hair. As she felt her heart try to sink into her shoes, a grating, otherworldly voice issued from the shadows. “G’day, Yank.” She felt too paralyzed even to scream.

    More Thoughts from Peter Parker: “What a way to spend Valentine’s Day! Well, I wish I could be back in New York with MJ, but I was called away to–well, not called away exactly, but I felt it was my responsibi–well, not my responsibility actually, but I figured it was something to do, you know, stopping that guy. Kingpin. That’s his name, right, Kingpin? Kiiiiiingpin. King-PIIIN! Sounds funny. Doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.”

    Wow, Connie Zits, I can’t imagine why you might want to stop dotting your i’s with hearts. Oh, wait–YOU’RE A GROWN-ASS WOMAN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

  34. Greg
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    MW: “This is surreal!” No, try again. “This is dada!” Better. But once more from the top. “THIS IS DADA SQUAAWK ME PENGUIN JUICE PROPELLER!!” Uh, too much.

  35. MattF
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    I note that Mary has an ‘uh-oh’ look in the second panel. ‘A surprise? Not unless you want a surprise.’

  36. Holly Folly
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    “John are you seeing those fireworks? John? John? What was IN that cake!?”

  37. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Watch Your Head — I’m sorry, Cory, but your joke doesn’t work. All movies were silent in 1916. Unless the audience was made up of lip readers, no one would know what the actors were REALLY saying.

    http://www.gocomics.com/watchyourhead/2013/02/14

  38. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    I’m picturing Professor Fapalotodopolous sitting in the burnt-out husk of his apartment in his sooty Santa outfit muttering to one and all, “Merry freakin’ Christmas!”

  39. Hibbleton
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Crock: Rocks in his head… shit for brains… I got nothin’.

  40. Majicou
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#37): No, see, it’s because of the traditional stereotype that black people like to call out advice to movie characters. The guy’s in the audience.

  41. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    You want surreal? OK, open the Count Weirdly hatch!

  42. jerseygull
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Crock: Talk about lazy cartoonists! I couldn’t think of a punch line so I’ll let the readers fill in the blanks! This could start a whole new trend in joke telling.

  43. Little Guy
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    MW: “…. a key party at Sam Driver’s!”

  44. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Jeez, Sam can do all that and monitor the money spigot?

  45. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Frazz: ayup! (educational as a MT Sunday strip!)

    9CL: which explains how Amos gets into that sweet Burber ass.

    AD: feating an interspecies 69 for V-Day.

    GF: *jaw drops* that. was. awesome.

    Lio: oh, this will not end well.

    SBp: owowowowowow. (how did this get past the editors? oh, they’ve been rightsized years ago. never mind.)

    Zits: more Freudian nightmares in Jeremy’s brain.

    DT: and used the next best thing to The Candy Van to do it with.

    JUMBLE: “Worth it all” fits.

    MG&G: old joke is oooold.

    6Cx: d’awwwwwww. (I have to mop instead of sweep to get that response, but I know the feels.)

    Retail: aaaand Cooper crashes and burns. :-(

  46. Little Guy
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    9CL: This will involve Dr. Julii getting snotty and enviserating to a judge for daring to accuse a Burberesque woman of wrongdoing in an oppresive male hierachy, right?

  47. pugfuggly
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#13): @Notebooked (#31):

    ok, we’ve almost make it to 6. Only 999 994 left to go!

    Let’s see…

    - “Here’s some rocks to hide your cock!”
    - “This’ll give him enough privacy to get his rocks off in peace.”
    - “I just noticed that these stones resemble testicles. That seems rather fitting given the nature of the structure I am erecting with them.”

  48. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    bening V-Day, I’m expecting something turgid and gloppy for Love Is.

    *goes to look*

    aaaand we get it.

    Love Is. . . two Old-Fashions and the missionary position.

  49. Vince M
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    MW: So, at the Oscars, Ralph Fiennes and Judy Densch are shoved off the red carpet with “Out of the way, you scum! Some CAKE DECORATORS are coming!”

  50. Anonymous
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    “This is surreal,” John said, as they were transported across the galaxy to bake an endless series of pink cakes for Her Imperial Majesty, Empress Dawn* of the Andromedan Collective.

    *A freak coincidence.

  51. Mikey
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    MW: “This is Surreal!” Yes, John it is. Yes it is….

  52. jvwalt
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Crock: If the current creators had any guts or imagination, this could be the ultimate test of legacy strips’ staying power: Just run the same “art” over and over and over again with a different punchline every day until you run out. See if any newspapers bother to drop your strip.

  53. sally
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    MW: I have just returned from the hospital following unexpected major surgery and I thought the narcotics had worn off by now, but looking at MW, I’m no longer so sure.

    I guess she entered a cake contest while I was gone? The judging is outside against an inky black sky devoid of all Southern California’s usual light pollution that for some reason reflects camera flashes? This cake contest is for amateurs yet carries a $10K-plus-surprise prize at at time of immense economic downturn throughout the United States which has hit California particularly hard? And can be one by a “nature” cake the color of Pepto-Bismol even though it isn’t Pink Ribbon Week in the comics?

    I’m going back to bed now and will check back in when the morphine has subsided. I’m having weird enough dreams as it is and these hallucinations are even more disturbing.

  54. Midtown
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Luann: Is Quill really there? Or have Brad and TJ moved her computer there so the lovebirds can skype in “private.”

  55. Cassandra Cat's Lawyer
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Crock: As Crock is a comic strip unconcerned with punchlines that display logic, humour, or entertainment value, I submit that there are at least a million lines for that Crock character to use, e.g.:

    “Rocks are heavy.”

    “My foot hurts.”

    “Yugoslavia exported 150,000 metric tonnes of iron ore in 1948.”

    “I’d rather be in Baltimore, running a comics blog.” (Deleted: could accidentally be found amusing by some readers.)

  56. sally
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    @Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action (#30):

    If you had been in a high school marching band, Harry Dinkle would have been your favorite back then, too, as he was mine. The joke got even funnier once I got into a college marching band, which by definition tend to be headed up by directors who are really, really into marching band well into middle age. I find the fact that he’s the only one who has sort of aged with grace (as far as is possible in the Funkyverse) to be rather charming.

    So, yeah, horrible death within the year. Can’t have him making the other folks look bad.

  57. TheDiva
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo still has parents? She didn’t devour them to secure her place as the dominant Magee?

    MW: Surreal is right. My God, it’s full of stars!

  58. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id — Frankly, I don’t give a rat’s patootie about the Huns. What I DO want to know is:

    Who’s Fat Wong — and why does the King have his name scrawled on the wall?

    http://www.gocomics.com/wizardofid/2013/02/14

  59. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    MW: Hurry up and collect the surprise so that you can get out of all the mortar fire going on in the banquet hall.

    A3G: Forgetting about Ari may seem to make Tommie an awful, awful person. It does, but she needs the practice if she’s going to be taking over for Margo.

    C-Shaft: “Yeah, go nuts. I sure as hell did when I got married.”

    Archie: Jughead confesses that his heart is empty, but he’s wrong. The accurate layman’s term is “clogged.”

    JP: What most parents would consider spoiling their kids, the Parker-Drivers regard as preparing them for rule.

    RMMD: Delores goes from bitter with suicidal ideation to Margaret Keane painting in a matter of hours. That’s some kind of miracle cure. Or something.

    Phantom: “Are you serious? I’m not a leg lifter. I spent two years at Oxford.”

    Shoe: Test case for whether the bird people are cannibals as Josh accuses them of being. When she says she wants to have Biz’s great great grandchildren, does she mean scrambled?

    DtM: Margaret, the novelty of being breadwinner for an unemployable husband will quickly wear off.

    Luann: You know what would make me love Toni? If we find out that she’s been coaching Shannon on how to speak like an Aussie teen boy.

    SSmith: I’d like to know how the valentine goes from being the size of Low’eezy’s sizeable torso to being slightly larger than her hand.

    S-M: “But if you’re chasing after some buff Hell’s Kitchen Irish guy in red spandex, I won’t be very surprised.”

    Lockhorns: “What did I say about talking to me before I’ve had my coffee, Lockhorn? You remember, the same thing I said about talking to me after I’ve had my coffee.”

  60. Stroker Ace
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    MW – … a baby’s arm holding an apple.

  61. Dr. Excommunicated
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Crock needs a new outhouse to replace the one he is surrendering to the enemy in the background.

  62. Revenge4Aldo
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Luann This is going down almost exactly as I imagined in my Luann fanfic. Except, in that Luann is visited by brain eating slugs instead of Quill.

  63. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#58):

    Who’s Fat Wong — and why does the King have his name scrawled on the wall?

    “Fat Wong’s” sounds like a chain of Chinese restaurants that would pop up in towns where they don’t know what Chinese food is supposed to taste like.

  64. Digger
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Is there really any doubt that John Dill and Mary dropped acid right before the cake competition and they are now just hallucinating an awards ceremony complete with trippy psychedelic yellow lights? In reality they devoured the cake before the competition started and instead carried the urn containing John’s dead wife out to their table. Due to the lack of competition the urn garnered them an honorable mention.

  65. Totally Flapjack
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Oh man, oh MAN, I REALLY hope that the special surprise is a minister and a marriage license! That would totally account for the stunned look on Mary’s face and how eager John looks.

  66. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#40): Many (many, many, many) moons ago, I worked as an usher in an AMC theater. And white people are no different in that regard.

  67. Verline
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    MW – I’m not experienced in cakery competition but don’t most contests of any type indicate what the prizes are going to be?

  68. flatsixes
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    MT: Let me go out on a limb here and suggest that Rusty’s camera holds evidence of Rod Bassy’s nefarious plot to win the fishing tournament by having his morally bankrupt sidekick attach genetically-enhance farm-raised record-sized bass to Rod Bassy’s patented Rod Bassy Lite-Up Serial-Killer Bass Lure using the remote control midget submarine secreted in The Rod Bassy Serila Killer van when not in use. Either that, or pictures of goats humping.

  69. Government Cheese
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    MW: Apparently, Mary and Dill are hallucinating in orbit with their cake. Mary’s ego can launch a 1000 ships into space (without her control).

  70. Bill Peschel
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @Greg (#34): COTW!!!

  71. cheech wizard
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    A3G – I always thought an interrobang was a technique James Bond used to get information.

  72. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Greg (#34): Mary Worth is Gala to John Dill’s Salvador Dali.

  73. HCV
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    I haven’t looked back at any of the other days’ comments, but: has anyone conjectured that this MW line is shaping up to be some sort of horrible, horrible dream being had by Mary or her latest stalker, whose name I also can’t be bothered to go back and look up?

    Or perhaps… this sequence is the last delirium tremens vision Aldo had as he went over the cliff, sobbing uncontrollably as his imagination torments him with a depiction of Mary pulled ever further from his grasp by an unbeatable rival, a master of cakes?

    Or… we pull back to see Dr. Jeff’s autistic son staring into a snowglobe, inexplicably featuring a strange pink ziggurat… .

  74. Red Greenback
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Maggot is no the Reed Hoover, that’s for sure.

  75. btown
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW: A special surprise… a surprise concert by Great White! Cue the fireworks…

  76. Christopher
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: It’s becoming increasingly clear that the writers, inspired by the dream-season of Dallas, have decided to make the entire cake decorating storyline a gentle introduction to Mary’s growing dementia and loss of touch with reality, as evidenced by the fact that she, John, and the judges are now flying through a kitschy outer space backdrop. Dream-John’s “This is surreal!” indicates that a small part of Mary’s mind remains aware that none of this is really happening, and that Mary is really sitting in a vacant lot muttering to herself and collecting used condoms.

  77. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Crock: Breaking rocks in the hot sun. He fought the law, and the law won.

  78. Hibbleton
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW: Dill has swung his spatula and thus Mary stands atop the cake fully formed while the heavens reveal themselves. Crock begins construction of the Palladium.

  79. Dennis Jimenez
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW – So, the Crisco Mary Butter-Worth Volcano Cake, was actually a Purple Acid Crisco Mary Butter-Worth Volcano LSD Cake….

    A3G – Shazam!!! Oh, and BTW, did you hear the Jim Nabors is gay! Surprise, Surprise, Surprise….

    Crock – Ah, yes – so appropriately named….

    Adios Amigos,

    DJ.

  80. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#63): Maybe it’s the “Id” equivalent of the Ah Fong restaurant chain the late Benson Fong once used to run in California.

  81. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    MW: This IS surreal! John and Mary transcend the confines of Santa Royale, nay, the Solar System itself and go floating with their cake through time and space. They have many wacky adventures throughout distant galaxies helping alien civilizations with their culinary challenges and curtailing catastrophic confections of all kinds! They don’t know when to go home, because all the clocks are melting.

  82. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    S4: Hilary’s expression in Panels 2 & 3 is the best art work in the funnies today.

    MW: Will the “special surprise” be a romantic Valentine’s Day weekend in the no-tell motel that John Dill used to manage? Oh wait, the theme of this contest is “the beauty of nature”. The special surprise will be two free colonoscopies!

    A3G: Luann assumes Ari will know how the building could catch fire, because he’s a professor, so he knows about buildings and fire and stuff. Lu Ann might also ask whether the piano burned, and if so, will they order a new one that gets delivered by Paul Linski?

    Questionable Content: I have got to find out what brand of single-malt Scotch they are drinking!

    Agnes: After reading today’s strip, I resolved somehow to utilize the expression “Too much like glossy fungus” in my conversation today. Then I read Luann, and I said it 30 times in a row.

  83. TheDiva
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    9CL: Yes. Yes they are. But it’s not their fault-Brooke will do anything to get his “women in prison” exploitation storyline off the ground.

    C’shaft: “It’s Valentine’s Day, I guess I can afford to use the l-word. As long as she doesn’t expect me to make a habit of it.”

    FW: Okay, I’ve had enough of the cripplingly stupid funny arc, can we go back to the cripplingly stupid serious arc?

    Lio: Show your loved one you care by reenacting The Defiant Ones!

    Luann: And now Quill will tell her that throwing a hissy fit about getting a stupid Valentine’s Day card one day late has made him realize what a selfish, spoiled little beyotch she really is, and she wouldn’t be worth his time if he were living right next door to her, let alone halfway across the globe. Then he’ll tell her he’s really there to see Tiffany, who is really a decent person once you get to know her and also not a complete cock-tease.

    Right?….Right?!?!

    MT: They can’t leave, Rusty hasn’t been kidnapped yet!

    Pibgorn: Ever the romantic, McEldowney spends today providing the same quality of spank material he gives on the other 364 days of the year.

    Pluggers can’t even manage to be romantic on the one day of the year officially sanctioned for it.

  84. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    So when did John Dill, erstwhile hotel manager, join the Sam Driver Pretty People Posse? He’s not pretty! He’s hardly even posse!

  85. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#14):

    A3G 2-And somewhere in the rubble is Ari burnt to a crisp because he oiled himself up in the hopes of making love like his Grecian ancestors did with one of the firemen who was going to rescue him.

    Presumably the fireman who looks like King Agamemnon or James Bond.*

    *guess the movie reference.

  86. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#80): “once used to run”= time to take a break

  87. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    A3G: The Professor?? He’s safely on a desert island with a millionaire couple, a movie star, a pair of dimwitted crewmen and some random chick.

  88. Braniff
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#87): There is an exquisite looking bottle which seems to be lying out there. Don’t open it, Professor–look at what happened to Major Nielsen!

    FC: Same sex incest? Would that be legal even in New York, Washington state, Iowa, Massachusetts or Vermont?

  89. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    MW: She assists in the win of one lousy cake decorating contest, and look at how big Mary’s head swells between panels. First, she bobbles, vibrating with the huge energy of abundant ego, quickly building pressure and then POW!! In panel 2, it’s the size of a Volkswagen, with barely enough room to squeeze in the face. Tomorrow’s panels will have to begin to show its growing gravitational pull.

    So who’s handing out those awards? Is that Alex Trebek and the lady who intentionally dumped her disgusting blue cake in transfer?

  90. Voshkod
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    I’m sure that image of Dill and Mary Worth standing in front of a star field in space is how Kubrick wanted to end 2001. Sadly, the studio told him to “be less weird, Stan.”

  91. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#85): Ah, so that what was in the box that Evan planted in Margo’s closet. Don’t open it – it’s pure evil!

    Actually, that is kind of an appropriate Christmas present for Margo, after all.

  92. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @Braniff (#88): That would have made a good Gilligan’s Island episode. I Dream of Jeanie washes up on shore, and Gilligan wastes three wishes on better huts, two thousand pounds of coconuts and a bicycle made of bamboo.

  93. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Big Nate: He lisps in his thoughts? Is that the joke? I hate this strip, but I admit it is mostly because it replaced Cul de Sac in my paper. And Nate himself is a general asshole.

  94. Binder's Butter Beans
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Despite Hairy McRockbuster’s proclamation that there’s a million lines here (none of which he’s touching), I can’t think of a single one. Perhaps I need another cup of coffee, or perhaps I should just thank all available gods that I don’t have the same “sense” of “humor” as the writers of Crock.

  95. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    After reading Kevin Rechin’s latest poorly-drawn cry for help, I’m convinced we’re witnessing something truly horrifying. Special and horrifying.

  96. NoahSnark
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    There are a million punchlines I could use, but instead I’ll just pee on my feet.

  97. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Crock-I would touch that joke only if those were bricks instead of rocks.

    MW-It’s the host of “The Twilight Zone” Mr. Rod Serling himself to present you with your prizes and to show Dill to his brand new bakery where he shall constantly make all pink cakes.

    A3G-”Well, Lu Ann, it is a complex series of chemical reactions. An object has to get hot enough where it will burst into flames and then there must be plenty of fuel to continuously feed the flames.”

  98. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Luann: Quill?
    TJ: No, it’s me. “G’day!” *yank!* seemed to be a good a way as any to greet a woman walking into a dark room.

    Side note: I was going to give up posting on the CC for lent. Now God himself hates me.

  99. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

  100. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Crock: Don’t eat the yellow sand.

  101. Comrade Denny
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    “You earned it! …wait, what? $10,000? I mean we earned it, we earned it, yes, look at me, I have a yellow ‘1st’ ribbon pinned to me, hand over that check, hand over that enormous novelty check to me right now, I was an integral part of this operation.”

    Like in all the classic cake-heist movies (Bob Le Boulanger, Le Cercle Rose, Touchez Pas Au Gateu, etc.), this Mary Worth story only really begins now, in Act III, when our antiheroes start dickering over how to divide the loot. I fully expect it to end with a symbol-rich foot chase through the slums of Santa Royale, terminating underground at an ancient brick sewer pit. John Dill will gaze into the whirlpool of raw sewage and realize that this is the ultimate fate of all his cakes. He makes a poignant speech to that effect. Momentarily awed, Mary lowers her pistol. Still clutching the bag of money, John tilts backwards — falls — and disappears beneath the swirling feces.

  102. Daniel
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Oh, sure. That’s ALWAYS been Crock’s problem. Too MANY jokes.

  103. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    @nescio (#8): COTW contender on Crock.

  104. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Forgive me for saying so, but two guys in spandex chasing one another on Valentine’s Day sounds about right for San Francisco. The only thing they’re missing is a million-dollar apartment in the Mission District.

    Andy Capp: Today’s reference to Elvis allows us to date the strip with some confidence to the pre-1978 strata, although scholars will no doubt continue to engage in recycling-criticism aimed at illuminating the ancient practice of beating dead horses into the ground.

    Apt. 3-G: To review, so far Tommie hasn’t recognized famous actor and neighbor Greg, she’s broken HIPAA regulations by discussing Margo’s condition with him, and now she’s lost track of one of her patients. She’s shaping up to be as good a nurse as Margo is a publicist.

    9 Chickweed Lane: Riiight. A highly successful ballerina and concert pianist does not have the discipline to resist a chocolate-chip cookie.

    Cow and Boy: wins the Valentine’s Day cycle.

    Dennis the Menace: April Fool’s Day next falls on a Saturday in 2017, then after that not until 2023, so Dennis should be safe for a few years at least.

    More hieratic Mark Trail: ? ! ! (Geese!) ! !

    Today Mary Worth takes us into the wetdream of a sad little man.

    Pibgorn: Baka Gaijin warned in the yesterday of the emetic qualities of today’s Luann. It seems only fair to provide a similar warning about this strip. I read it and promptly lost my appetite. For life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go look for some brain bleach.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: “We like the tenants!” And just like that, June signs Delores’ death warrant.

    Sinfest: Huh. I hadn’t noticed that Lil-E’s companion – the half-formed devilgirl – is slowly improving in her speech. Add “subtlety” to the already-long list of this strip’s virtues.

  105. Notebooked
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @sully (#24): I’m very happy to hear that. I’ve always thought there was no way to translate the laugh track to another medium while keeping the disgust it induces. Glad to know I was wrong! And by ‘glad’, I mean ‘drying my tears with steel wool’.

  106. Austria
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Luann: All right, we’ve got a few options here. What are we not seeing?
    1) Quill lounging half-naked with a rose in his mouth.
    2) Quill being otherwise occupied with Brad, Toni and TJ.
    3) A glass of champagne surrounded by flower petals…sitting in front of a computer.

    MW: Can we pretend that spotlights at the cake contest are like shooting stars? I could really use a prize right now.

    PBS: I get the feeling this strip is going to be really popular with florists.

  107. Pozzo
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    “Oh, I don’t know, LuAnn — what DID the Professor say?” [Anticipatory chuckle]

  108. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Oh, and a personal note for them what care: yesterday, I led an Ash Wednesday service at school. We drew about 40 students and staff members, which really isn’t bad for an under-advertised Protestant service at a Catholic school of less than 1500 students.

    Also found out that it looks like I’m going to notch my first dead-tree magazine publication in a small but prestigious outlet. So, yay me! I guess.

  109. Percival Dunwoody
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Curtis: it’s funny because black kids are stuck in bad schools with shitty teachers who get annoyed when the children make insightful comments (such as noting that Antarctica is a desert)

  110. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

  111. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-”Wait! We have to swap insurance information.”

    Gil Thorp-”Isn’t it amazing. We are treating this guy like we are a bunch of teenage girls instead like the teenage boys that we are.”

    MT-”There you are. How disappointing to find you not kidnapped and still alive.”

    Pluggers-So the kids in ‘Love Is’ are called Alfalfa and Darla because that seems like the sort of card Pluggers would buy.

    RMMD-Tomorrow which translates into about 3 weeks non-comic strip time.

  112. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#28):

    “Mark Trail- If that ass-talking bird took all the pictures, what the fuck was Rusty doing all that time?”

    I see that the Canada Geese who were on their way to a St Patricks Day party are back!

  113. Voshkod
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#101): That was sublime, sir.

  114. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    9CL-”Ever since I slipped some drugs into a batch of cookies for her I’ve gotten her hooked.”

  115. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Crock: “Crock wants his outhouse built with these rocks. Yeah, these rocks in this part of the pile, not those rocks in the other part. Those rocks are sandstone, but these rocks are proper for an outhouse, because they’re schist!”

    That’s funny, because it implies that Crock makes his troops use the sandstone as toilet paper!

    OK, I got nothing either.

  116. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    MW-What a twist.

  117. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Crock: Can’t anybody see?? He’s going to be breaking rocks to build an outhouse and he doesn’t have any cement!!! ha hahahahaha! Oookay…

    Maybe it’s this: Since there is no existing outhouse in the camp, he’s looking at all the people waiting for it to be built, nervously dancing and eagerly staring at him. “There are a million lines, and since they look sweaty and jittery, I’m not touching them!” Oookay…

    The officer tells the man with no differentiation between head and body – a seamless mass that resembles a potato – to break this pile of rocks – also shaped like potatoes – into an outhouse, where Crock will take a dump compiled of digested potatoes.

    I’m going with the tuber theory. The eyes have it.

  118. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#59):

    All funny comments, but this one is funny as hell!

    “JP: What most parents would consider spoiling their kids, the Parker-Drivers regard as preparing them for rule.”

  119. TheMerryMeddler
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    LuAnn: “Yes it’s me. In your obsessive compulsion to consider only YOUR feelings, you failed to notice in our last conversation that I was Skyping you, not from my bedroom, but from seat 68F back in the cattle car section of a Qantas 747.

    “I don’t care if you’re sorry. Just take you top off… And prepare to yank.”

  120. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#104): “two guys in spandex chasing one another on Valentine’s Day sounds about right for San Francisco”

    That’s hilarious!

  121. Walker of Dog
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Dr. Excommunicated (#61): Surrendering in an outhouse = grade-A Dingo bait.

  122. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Luann: Looks like Quill might get his Aussie yanked!

  123. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Crock: “These rocks right here. They’re coprolites. Get it?”

  124. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

  125. Hogenmogen
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    RMMD: So Iris, the old lady back in Rexville, was considering buying the condo, or what was the assignment that got this ball of crap rolling? Wasn’t it like FIVE months ago? Does the artist even remember what the hell that was all about? And this snappy old lady who sent her DOCTOR to research real estate will gladly buy the complex that isn’t taking in any rent money because Junior is working a charity case?

    I can imagine some young man being swayed by a trio of pretty faces, but Iris doesn’t see or know the young ladies and probably doesn’t swing that way anyhow. Not anymore. Not frequently. Not without permission from her doctor, who is away on vacation.

  126. bunivasal
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    “This is surreal!”

    Yeah, that explains why I heard “Thus Spake Zarathustra” when I first saw their cake. It’s full of stars.

  127. Walker of Dog
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    MW: Why do stars
    Fall down from the sky
    Every time
    You get high?

    Crock: As this strip stumbles toward the abyss, I think John Kerry said it best: “How do you ask a character to be the last character to deliver a lame punchline for a mistake?”

    MW2: Emcee: “And now the special surprise: the ten thousand dollars is… Canadian! Haw-
    (checks foreign exchange tables)
    -Haw?”

    A3G: LuAnn: “What did the professor say?”
    Tommie: “Oh, my gosh – I forgot to read Shoe today!!”

  128. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Oh my god the Professor’s still in the building!”

  129. Notebooked
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#123): Boo-boom! Boom. Plop. Ew. Seriously though, gneiss pun.

  130. Downpuppy Uppers
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Doesn’t the Milford basketball team have a coach? Gil somebody, who displays the proportionate coaching awareness of Newspaper Spiderman as the team turns into twits.

  131. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    MW-”Your very own bakery where you get to make pink cakes and nothing but pink cakes till the day you die.”

  132. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#108): Muchos kudos, Pasdordan. What publication are you gracing?

  133. Ranger™
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#37): WYH: I have to agree with Majicou. It’s a black guy in the audience shouting out advice to “Mr. Chaplin” (Charlie Chaplin?).

  134. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    A3G-Something about chest pains and shortness of breath. It was hard to hear him with him gasping and trying to breathe.

  135. Buck Ripsnort
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @SPG (#17): I hear Fred Basset (DIEDIEDIE!) uses the same method.

  136. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#120): I’m going to hell for that one.

  137. Red Greenback
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Crock: Comedy brown.

  138. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#132): The Christian Century. It’s all part of my plan to establish a worldwide media dominance. These things start small.

  139. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    MT-”I got these really swell pictures of this old couple winning a cake competition.”

  140. pugfuggly
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#122):

    You mean he might get touched in a place down under? Better run quick, and take cover….!

  141. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “How could I forget about Him!! The Lawgiver!!”

  142. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: By the jabbings of her thumb, something surreal this way comes.

  143. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Ranger™ (#133): Which is exactly why Cory’s joke doesn’t work for me. I can’t buy into the notion that a black man sitting/standing in the back of a SEGREGATED theater in 1916 would go out of his way to antagonize a white audience. (There’s another word for “audience,” isn’t there? It’s a three-letter word, and I believe it begins with an “m”…)

  144. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    Watch Your Head-Garvin St. John was then promptly lynched.

  145. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    A3G — It looks like Tommie is still on duty when she’s making all those calls. I wonder how many of her patients have died.

  146. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    A3G-It was the government, Lu Ann. They know what sort of person Margo is and they were trying to stop her before she becomes a threat to them.

  147. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#145):

    All of them. Tommie is not a great nurse.

  148. Calico
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    MW – Yes, yes John, it is.
    Oh, and one of the mid-fold ads I just got on CC was for Speedi-Cath-female catheters. Coincidence? I think not.

  149. Calico
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#147):
    Maybe she’s a secret pill junkie, like Carmela Nurse Jackie.

  150. Tophat
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    I’m kind of horrified by Crock’s leering glare in the first panel as he stares at his potential craphouse. He’s not overseeing, he’s just…. watching. Waiting. Muttering to himself, “Yes… yes… the shit, it fills me. Soon. SOON.”

  151. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @SPG (#17):

    Crock: If only all of our comic creators could learn to crowd-source their jokes. And by crowdsource I mean “offer two panels of drawings and tell the reader that I won’t be making a joke, the very thing I am paid to do, and I don’t even have a joke in mind, but I trust that you can come up with something humorous for what I’ve drawn. Or maybe you can’t, in which case, you might have the makings of a cartoonist.”

    Ever hear of the New Yorker cartoon caption contest? It may be their most popular feature. Of course, they have the advantage of starting out with funny drawings by talented cartoonists.

  152. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#82): “Too much like glossy fungus”

    Maybe THAT was the missing punchline from Crock.

  153. astroboy
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    MW – I’ve seen this sitcom plot before…they entered the contest with no idea that such a large prize was at stake. Mary glommed on to John Ratzenberger-I mean MR. DILL’s dream. Now John Ratzen-I mean Mr. DILL won’t want to share the winnings.

    Dill, you don’t stand a chance. Mary helped CARRY that cake, dammit. Now mama wants to get PAID!

  154. I speak Jive
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#111): Re: Pluggers – Darla and Alfalfa were members of the Little Rascals, which was a series of movie shorts made in the 1930′s. The films ran endlessly on tv in the 1950′s and early ’60′s, which is how I became familiar with them. Some of them were hilarious. I don’t know if the Pluggers know them from seeing them on tv or in their original theater run.

    @Hogenmogen (#125): I thought the same thing. Doesn’t Hideously Madeover Melissa already own the apartment building? The entire premise for this “story” is that she sent Rex to investigate why the nephew who manages the building is not collecting rent for her. I forgot that this has been dragging on for five months, and apparently it is still the day after Rex and June arrived in San Diego. This rivals the four-day cruise which lasted six months.

    Get Fuzzy – Funny!

  155. Doodle Bean
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    Even the heckler is standing up, taking photos and stomping his feet while chanting, “Gran NEE! Gran NEE!!” while tears of Santa Royale hometown pride stream down his sunken cheeks.

  156. Charterstoned
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    MW – If there’s a God in Heaven, the special surprise will be the winning entry from the Pie Competition being plastered onto Mary’s face.

  157. Shrug, Hopping Up With an Explanation
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#28):

    “Luann- This is just too fucking stupid. Good thing Quill had a spare $1,500 bucks lying around for the round trip ticket so he could see that horrible bitch in person.”

    Actually, he didn’t. He used some special Kangaroo Webbing to build a hammock on the back of the airplane headed to San Francisco, then swung over to another one headed from there to San Diego. He had a nice restful nap during all this.

    ///Oh dear, does this mean he has endangered his secret identity as The Amazing Kangaroo-Man?

    /////Better he should have swung over to a plane heading for New York city. There’s this stunning redheaded actress batching it there. . .

  158. Cayuga
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    MW — So the cake finals were held at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?

  159. Shrug, One Wheel Good, Two Wheels Boring, That Is the Law
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#45):

    I thought we learned the secret of the Burber gal’s attraction to Amos a few days ago when we saw that he was highly skilled at riding a unicycle. Presumably that takes pinpoint muscular control and a fine sense of balance and rhythm.

    ////Of course, Edda will soon demand more: “Can’t you get a vibrating unicycle while you’re at it?

  160. Irrischano
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Pretty sure Mary and John’s “victory” is by default, since there were only three teams. One of them was disqualified for dropping the cake, the other was disqualified for not having Mary Worth on their team.

  161. Remmy
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Brooke, all your characters are total cunts. Except the cat.

  162. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Curtis-What a creative way of calling your teacher fridged.

  163. Droopy Says
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    A million lines for Crock? Easy. “Can you imagine how big a hole you need under Crock’s outhouse?” Now repeat that a million times, like any other Crock “punchline.”

  164. Johnny Q
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    MARY WORTH: If the “special surprise” isn’t a pie in Mary’s face, I’m not interested in it.

  165. Comrade Denny
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#113): Thank you, and please keep an eye out for my upcoming release, Trois Poissons à Abattre: When young Rouillé accidentally photographs a fishing champion in the act of cheating, he unwittingly uncovers an even darker secret, a secret threatens the very foundations of the sport — a secret worth killing for!

  166. Dartpaw86
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Crock doesn’t need an outhouse to “Go”
    While his workers are enduring the harsh desert he has a luxury marble bathroom with running water and manservants to give him footrubs. This outhouse is where he goes when he wants to get stoned.

  167. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    Crock: The strange, inexplicable persistence of Crock, or as John “Salvador” Dill might say

  168. terrapin
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Crock: “There’s a million lines here, but all of them are funny, and therefore not appropriate for ‘Crock’.”

    MW: Her lips say “You earned it!” but her open palm seems to be saying “If you know what’s good for you, Judge, you’ll place that ten grand right here!”

    MT: It’s funny because Mark still hasn’t told Rusty there’s no film in that camera.

  169. Calico
    February 14th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @btown (#75):
    OMG.
    I’ve watched the vid several times and can’t believe how fast it spread – then again tar paper shacks with egg crate decor do tend to fire up pretty quickly.

  170. Calico
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#166):
    Sounds like the desert version of The Hard Rock Café.

  171. Dale
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @sally (#53):

    Were you performing the surgery or just an observer?

  172. Cloudbuster
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @jvwalt (#52): Just run the same “art” over and over and over again with a different punchline every day

    Dinosaur Comics says hello. It’s actually one of the funnier strips I regularly read.

  173. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#108): Congrats! I hope we can read it on line. (Were you able to work any Albert Camus quotes in it? Was the rhyming dictionary any help?)

    // That said, it is great that they are putting in in dead tree format. It never really seems like “real” writing unless it’s actually on paper, to me anyway. Just like groceries just seem more like groceries in paper sacks, than in plastic.

    // Tell those kids to get off my lawn.

  174. Calico
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Remmy (#161):
    Hahaha!

    MW – Judging (haha) by the stars, John is fantasizing about “Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight”, the next prize will of course be an all-expenses paid trip for TWO to God knows where – maybe Westview, Ohio. Mary will refuse the invite, John will be crushed, and will commit suicide Sylvia Plath-style after making one last cake.

  175. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#154):…the Little Rascals, which was a series of movie shorts made in the 1930?s. The films ran endlessly on tv in the 1950?s and early ’60?s…

    Like the Three Stooges. I read somewhere that the studios hadn’t bothered to renew the copyrights on a lot of short subjects, so that TV stations, desperate for material in those early days, were able to run them for free. I remember, as a little kid, seeing Army training films run in the middle of the day, just to fill the air time.

  176. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    LUANN — Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this development, partly because I can’t get over this thing I have about expecting serial comics to make sense.

  177. Oavis
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    I’m hoping for a King Kong scenario in Mary Worth: that the flash bulbs will so outrage Mary that she’ll break first her arm chains, then her leg chains, shake all the manacles off like so many charm bracelets, and go on a destructive rampage that ends with her being strafed by biplanes.

  178. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers — Since “Earth-P” seems utterly bereft of humans, I’m picturing Darla and Alfalfa as two of the anthropomorphic animal children from Arthur:

    http://www.behindthevoiceactors.com/_img/franchises/53.jpg

    Porky, of course, is a porker. And “Woim” REALLY lives up to his name.

  179. Dartpaw86
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#170):

    And since the Hard Rock Cafe does have an Egyptian theme, that works out perfectly.

  180. xtopherp
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#23): I think you nailed this. I hope you did. Please. Please make it so.

  181. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#172): Thank you! I know a couple wherein the husband thinks WALKING DEAD is a total waste of time and the wife is addicted to it. I suspect this strip will please them both. (I don’t have access to WD, so hearing their differing versions of what it’s like is kind of entertaining in itself.)

  182. Dartpaw86
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#2):

    Especially since John looks a bit like Salvador Dali.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvador_Dal%C3%AD

  183. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”All we did was rescue the beautiful young people. We ignored the old ugly people.”

  184. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Oavis (#177): If I had a float, that would ride.

  185. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, One Wheel Good, Two Wheels Boring, That Is the Law (#159):

    Amos was riding?

    I thought he’d had it implanted.

  186. yaoi huntress earth
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Now he really does look like a giant dick (look at how he’s curved).

  187. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    9CL — So on top of all the other reasons they are superior to us mere mortals, Burber Women stuff themselves with cookies and still stay thin? New reasons to loathe this strip just keep on coming.

  188. Comrade Denny
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#113): Oh, and the restored, remastered version of L’Assistant is coming out Blu-Ray next month — a dark meditation on ambition, desire, and madness — Jeannot is devoted to his boss, the domineering a and abusive Margaux , a publicity agent of dubious reputation. Unable to keep her affections or earn her respect, he secretly turns to an enigmatic underworld figure known only as La Tante to help him get revenge, but finds himself unable to satisfy her demands as well. When Margaux’s client Gregoire lands the starring role a popular film franchise, Jeannot finds himself completely alone and invisible, his dreams crushed by very women he sought to please. Includes the fully restored “blue people” sequence cut from the original American release.

  189. Cloudbuster
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    @Christopher (#76): The dream sequence has been going on for 75 years:

    The depression was hard, especially on an old widow like her. “Apple Mary” huddled in an alley, clutching her last apple. It wasn’t a very good apple: small, wrinkled and bruised all along one side. Nobody was going to buy it, and the last of the coins she’d made from the sales of it’s more-appealing siblings were long gone. Even the memory of the warm soup they’d bought was fading.

    She took a bite of the soft, frost-damaged fruit and shivered. As each bite disappeared and the remains of the apple got smaller, Mary felt as if her whole world was getting smaller along with it. She pulled her worn shawl tighter around her narrow shoulders, closed her eyes and imagined a different life.

    A warm, clean place, full of friendly neighbors who looked up to her, always turning to her for advice. And there was food, so much food. Cakes and pies. Oh. and salmon squares! How she loved salmon squares! She’d eat salmon every day, she thought to herself. At a fancy restaurant, like The Bum Boat — only she wouldn’t be a bum, not at all. She’d be a fine lady, loved by everyone. Everyone would see that Mary had worth. Someday. Things would get better. Maybe tomorrow. She’d hike out and glean the orchard again. There were bound to be a couple more good apples….

    Officer McCloskey let out a long, sad sigh at the sight of the still figure in the alley, just a bundle of stick-like limbs under an old cast-off shawl, looking terribly small in the weak morning light. Poor old Apple Mary, he thought. She’d never really had a chance. No husband and a shiftless, worthless son off drinking himself to death while she froze to death in an alley. She’d had no one who thought she was worth bringing in out of the cold. In the end, Mary wasn’t even worth the coins the pauper’s funeral would cost.

  190. Alice
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Luann: If there were justice in the universe, Quill would now dump Luann’s spoiled, irrational, self-centered ass. Instead of rewarding her bitchiness, which of course is what will happen.

  191. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#187): And Juliette’s cookies are so superior that they are worth a trip to NH? Uh-huh.

  192. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#175): The reference in Pluggers to the Little Rascals, and a mention of Charlie Chaplin in Watch Your Head the very same day…

    Does this mean the imminent return of Joe Franklin’s talk show to television?

  193. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

  194. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#191): Edda likes nibbling on her mother’s cookies.

  195. Cloudbuster
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    9CL: “Tollhouse.” Creatures of Pure Art are a really cheap lay!

  196. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    MW-”This was all an elaborate setup by Mary Worth to get you into her power.”

  197. Cloudbuster
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#92): You’re more or less describing an actual Gilligan’s Island episode.

  198. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Archie-If you wanted to tell Ethel how you really feel about her, Jughead, you could have put a dead animal inside the box.

  199. sully
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    More than 195 comments so far, and yet not one of the intelligent, experienced comics sufferers who hang around here have been able to come up with a single legitimate punch-line for the above Crock strip, even though it boasts that ‘There’s a million lines here.’ Does this qualify it as The Worst Comic Strip Ever? And, by the way, Crock, it should read ‘There ARE a million lines here’. Unfunny, AND illiterate.

  200. wooddragon
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#37): Um, the joke works because the black man speaking was not on screen, he was in the theater watching the movie… (not saying it’s a great joke…)

  201. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#199):

    “I’m going to do a shitty job of building his shithouse.”

    “It won’t be a brick shithouse but it’ll be built like one.”

  202. Marc
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#183): The trick was figuring out which ones were the beautiful people and which ones were the ugly ones since everyone looks so much alike.

  203. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#118): Danke schoen, my umlauted freund.

  204. JJB
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    9CL-The antidote to 9CL (as read from the GoComics site) is to immediately read the classic Calvin and Hobbes strip. Calvin’s commentary today applies amazingly well to today’s 9CL.

  205. Notebooked
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#199): Ah, but [twirls fancy critic moustache] the illiteracy is common place. The content behind the shabby performance is what we’re after. We’re connoiseurs of…well, awful, really. (Plus, it could be a colloquialism — oh who am I kidding, like Crock would care about giving its characters distinct speech patterns.)

  206. Walker of Dog
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#199): “Wait – I misunderstood the instructions. He actually wants you to create a sculpture depicting a pile of rocks, using this pile of his feces. Better?”

  207. Shrug, Off the Charts
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#197):

    I like the description of that episode:

    “Gilligan finds the “eye of the idol” a magic stone that grants the barer three wishes.”

    So, did Gilligan win, or was one of the other castaways barer than him?

    //// If it was Ginger or Mary Ann, I might try to watch that one.

    ////// Shrug’s shameful admission: I have never actually seen a single episode of “Gilligan’s Island,” and had to go to Wikipedia to find out what the names of the young women were. Confession feels good.

  208. wossname
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#188): Excellent! But I thought the character’s name was Yvan, not Jeannot.

  209. Quick, Shrug, the Flit!
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    Musing on just why DareDevil wants Spidey to stay the hell away from him (aside from the obvious reason of “wouldn’t you?”), it occurs to me that DD may be allergic to elephants, and has heard that where Spidey appears, sooner or later an elephant follows.

    Is being allergic to elephants even a thing, I wonder? It would at least be easier to live with than, say, a nut allergy, since you wouldn’t need to be always worried that someone may try to feed you a dish with elephants sprinkled on the top. Or than a perfume allergy, since very few co-workers tend to show up on the job with an elephant sprayed behind each ear. (Most cubicles aren’t even big enough to allow for that.)

  210. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    Crock:

    Maggot: “An outhouse made out of rocks? What’s wrong with a conventional plywood and corrugated tin shack?”

    Poulet: “The rocks will reflect the beauty of nature.”

    Maggot: “Yeah, but isn’t an outhouse built with two-foot-thick boulders be a bit… excessive?”

    Poulet: “No, this one has to serve as a toxic waste site. Crock needs to empty his bowels of a truly horrible pink cake.”

  211. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Tomorrow’s strip, today!:

    Luann— After an hour or so of passionate coupling in the dark, a thoroughly deflowered Luann finally turns on the lights, only to discover that “Quill” is actually Bernice, wielding a deftly handled double-ended dildo. Luann’s reaction is surprisingly calm. “I’m amazed you’re not upset.”, exclaims Bernice. “Not at all.”, Luann replies, “I knew you weren’t really Quill. I’m just relieved you weren’t Brad.”

  212. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    if Poteet needs a valentine to send, this would work.

  213. sally
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#171): I was under the knife. I should have been more specific! But I think the powers that be frown on taking the narcotics if you are actually performing the surgery. Unless you are Dr. House.

  214. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @wooddragon (#200): To quote our esteemed colleague Liam:

    Garvin St. John was then promptly lynched.

    Sadly, the “good old days” weren’t always so good if you were a person of color.

  215. Cloudbuster
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Crock: “Christ, what an asshole. It would take an outhouse made of stone to hold an asshole that big.”

  216. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Off the Charts (#207): So, did Gilligan win, or was one of the other castaways barer than him?

    If it was Ginger or Mary Ann, I might try to watch that one.

    Spoiler alert: it was Lovey Howell.

  217. Comrade Denny
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#208): Actually, it was Yvan in the original script, but overzealous interpretation/enforcement of the Toubon Law forced us to change it.

  218. John C
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Luann:

    5 cold lifeless bodies lay on the floor of TJ, Brad, Toni, Tiffany and Shannon, all with multiple stab wounds. “Quill?” asks the ditzy Luann, her brain unable to comprehend the danger she now faced. A man sits in a chair facing away from her in the dark corner of the living room.

    “Remember how you once obsessed over me??? Remember how you and Tiffany used to fight for my affection and attention?? Apparently, it seems you’ve moved on and forgotten about ME.”

    “Who…who…who are you?” stammers Luann, slowly understanding the deadly situation she is now in, but paralyzed by fear to move.

    The chair turns, and Luann sees a shadowy figure with a gun pointed at her. The figure rises and approaches her, coming closer and closer. Her ditzy brain is finally moving into action and screaming “RUN RUN RUN RUN” but her body does not respond. The figure comes into focus and it’s…Aaron Hill???

    “Aa…aaron??” Aaron Hill?!?” croaked Luann, now barely able to speak.

    “Ah…you do remember me. No matter; you’d played with my heart for far too long, Luann. I even broke up with my hottie girlfriend in Hawaii for you, Luann, and how did you repay me? By completely ignoring me and moving on to your next obsession, to Quill! You haven’t even visited my myspace page in years…why did you do this to me???”

    “Myspace…who the hell uses myspace anymore?” Luann says, her voice rising in anger. “What the hell have you done, you’ve killed my friends, my brother, my maybe future niece in 20 years if my brother gets out of friend zone, and Tiffany!”

    “QUIET!” shouts Aaron, now red with anger. “It seems you forgot who has the gun here. Now get on the couch and sit down!”

    Luann knew deep down she should run, but she moves to the couch anyways, praying for a way to get out of this situation alive.

    “You’ve teased me for far too long, Luann. It’s time for you to finish your masterpiece in your killing spree by killing yourself.”

    Aaron quickly moves to the couch, forcing the gun into Luann’s hand, and points the gun up to her head. Luann, slow to react, was unable to thwart Aaron as the gun goes off and slumps backwards in the couch. The last thing she sees as darkness overtakes her was a content and smug Aaron, saying, “Finally, I can move on with my life.”

  219. KreatureFeatures
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    $10,000? All that poor Rod Bassy will get is a knuckle sandwich.

  220. Old Folkie
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#85): Ari couldn’t look much worse than the Minotaur’s head…

  221. Old Folkie
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

  222. tallyHO
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    mary worth

    Last night, I brought up a scene from the movie Mean Streets as being the “surprise” for John Dill.

    It is tough to describe, beyond rehashing the word “surreal”. But, I guess I don’t need to try to describe the scene when it can be shown and seen.

  223. Peanut Gallery
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#57):

    My God, it’s full of stars!

    I do not want to see the Mary Worth version of a space baby.

  224. Old Folkie
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

  225. Huckleberry Fink
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#216): Liar. A fine actress like Natalie Schafer would never bare her body for the cheap entertainment of the masses.

  226. tallyHO
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    Crock, the Strip

    Die, Monster, Die!
    Do it so that people can live!

    Today’s Crock

    Really? A strip named “Crock” will even broach the concept of outhouses, things which have a means to hold crap? I’d say that is a crock of…but, I know it has been said already by the 26 people who bothered reading it this morning.

    Getting on the Crock Zinging Bandwagon

    Giant Rocks? Rock Breaker? Smoking a Stogie in one panel, not in the next one? Innuendo? Non-freaking sense? A Desert Climate? Decades of previous strips with the “realistic” expectation somehow there will be decades more strips?

    hmmm. ok.
    I’m gonna divine my best zinger now.

    Ahem:

    Rock Breaker Sez:
    “After I’m done building this for Crock, I better be invited when he
    christens Fart Rock!”

  227. tallyHO
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#226):

    Oh ye Previewing, punctuation seeking fool!

    That should be
    Fart Rocks

    //sigh. the punchiest line, knocked me out.

  228. Dood
    February 14th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    Crock: “Just as an aside, though, I crap bigger than any of these things.”

  229. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#223):

    I do not want to see the Mary Worth version of a space baby.

    Two words: Wilbur Weston.

  230. Peanut Gallery
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    Crock – “Albert Camus was right! Life really is just like he said in that book, The Myth of Cookie-Puss.”

  231. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    Blondie-It’s funny because Dagwood says that Blondie tastes like fish when he is eating her.

    Hi and Lois-That link you sent is forcing Hi to register as a sex offender now.

    Hi and Lois 2-Sadly kids-love-candy.com redirects to the NAMBLA web page.

    Sally Forth-Because people are afraid of the bitter resentful icy silence that would follow if they tried to silence you, Ted.

  232. demoncat
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    mw sureal indeed for normaly a cake contest the biggest amount is about a grand or two. as for the surprise its that john will get a stay in a hotel room and some pampering with mary

  233. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Lu Ann, this is not ‘Judge Parker’. You are not drawn with a chest that you can thrust out.

  234. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#173): Humblebrag alert: I’ve published a book in dead-tree format, and yes, there is something really different about having your project result in something that you can put on a shelf. Or, as in my case, having a lot of them to put on a shelf because you didn’t sell them…

  235. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#199): I vote this week’s COTW be limited to entries in a contest to write the best of the million lines.

    BRB, failing miserably.

  236. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    Actually, every day’s dialog for Crock starts out with a million lines, the best one of which winds up being used in the script. Today’s selection was produced by the monkey behind typewriter number 824,672.

  237. commodorejohn
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

  238. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    Now that I think about it, the safest play in re: Crock’s million lines is to swap with other strips.

    For example:

    - “Happy Valentine’s Day from the bottom of my heart!”
    - This one mates for life!
    - Now hit me with something nougaty.[*]
    - My face hurts. Dance harder!
    - Oh, my gosh – I forgot all about HIM!!!
    - “You spend more time wondering about what I’m thinking than I spend actually thinking.”
    - “I’m thinkin’ April Fools’ Day!”
    - The top prize is $10,000 and a special surprise…

    Now you try.

  239. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Behold people these are your cake making superiors. You shall bow down before them and pay homage to them and praise them for showing you how superior their cakes are.”

  240. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#234): having a lot of them to put on a shelf because you didn’t sell them…

    Ah, but your Christmas present problems are solved for years into the future! “I know I gave you a signed copy last year, but you’ve undoubtedly worn it out by now, constantly thumbing through it, reading and rereading your favorite parts. You’re welcome!”

    // Have you tried eBay? “Rare authentic First Edition, signed by Author, Noted Clergyman. No representation is made that the possession of this wonderful book will cure diseases, however, anecdotal evidence suggests that some people possessing this book, signed by the reverend author himself, have had diseases at various times, which went away eventually. Just saying.

    /// Worth a try, eh?

  241. SPG
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#151): I’m glad you bring the New Yorker up. I had actually been thinking about that, but decided that it wouldn’t be great if I tried to be nuanced and follow that thread as well.

    The chief difference seems to be that the New Yorker eventually lets people know what the funniest captions were. I think that this Crock strip is more like a chef at a restaurant pointing to a pile of ingredients and saying, “There are so many meals that could be made from these; but I’m not going to do anything with them. You make your own meal, but be sure to pay your bill.”

  242. Dale
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    CROCK

    Pound these rocks into dust. Use it to make bricks.
    We can’t afford a stone outhouse.

  243. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#186):

    You’re right! Especially with all of the ridges at the back of his head!

  244. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#212):

    I’m sure that she’s also point out that the critter in question is a tortoise, not a turtle!

    // And I also suspect she’s also express her disapprove of a person standing on one, regardless of its size!

  245. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @sally (#213):

    You are definitely in no shape to read MW!

    // But then again, who is?

  246. Dale
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @sally (#213):

    You do want a surgeon whose hands aren’t shaking at the outset.
    I’ve never seen House, but I don’t want a doctor who looks like he forgot to shave.

  247. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#234): Give 5 copies to everyone you know, as a gift. Tell them that the extra 4 books in the set are a space-saver, to reserve a special spot on their bookshelves while they wait for the publication of volumes 3 – 6 of Harry Dinkle’s autobiography.

  248. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    @SPG (#241): That’s a cool way of looking at it. We, the audience, become, each of us individually, our own Iron Chef. Or Iron Cartoon gag writer, as it were.

    But, as you say, no credit is given. Even Pluggers, which may be the original outsourced cartoon, gives credit.

    // Smart move, that. As someone whose suggestion was once used by Brookins (humblebrag?), I can no longer attack Pluggers with the zest I once did.

  249. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Today’s translation of 9CL:

    I did something stupid I can’t undo. But I am taking it seriously.

    Good thing you have me to mock you and make fun of the situation, then.

    [calls daughter]

    Can you come up to visit me on the next train? I have a problem and need your help. You may end up getting arrested, but I’ll bribe you with some cookies to make up for it.

    Are you both insane? [needs no translation!]

    Yes. Plus my daughter is an idiot who can be bribed into risking jail time for some cheap store-bought cookies.

  250. PriceCheck
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    I’m a little shocked. I had always assumed that when a newspaper comic shows a bizarre background, it’s a feature of dramatic storytelling and thus it’s something only the audience is supposed to see. But here we are in today’s Mary Worth, with John slapping his face and announcing that what’s going on, standing in a field of stars and blackness while a grinning man and woman pin enormous yellow #1 ribbons to his and Mary’s aprons for baking a sugary, pink waterfall monstrosity in a nature themed cake decorating competition, is surreal…Well, I am at a loss.

  251. Dartpaw86
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    In space no-one can hear you meddle.

  252. un malpaso
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    Just wait till the Santa Catalina Cake Mafia comes around to get their cut.

    Oh, wait… that would be an actual narrative with dramatic interest. Forgot to take my reality medication again.

  253. Chip Whittle
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal’s pastor is buying a “bike lock” from the Adult Superstore on Route 9N, right? The sunglasses are an okay start but he really should take off the collar if he wants to go unidentified.

    I imagine porn in the Herb and Jamaal world is all dirty pictures of those figures from traffic signs.

  254. tallyHO
    February 14th, 2013 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    a3G
    There’s an elephant in the room and its wearing a yellow slicker! Evan The Golden Boy is an arsonist!

    Forget about Professor Grandpa Soulpatch!
    Bond James Bond was right there when he had the heart attack. So, it is likely Soulpatch made it to safety.

    Evan, on the other hand, is on the loose! How many other closets has he planted those pyro-presents?

    Yes. It is true, I was hoping for a Twilight Zone-like development in that closet package. But, this is a four-alarm chili-style disaster!

    It has been….what? Two months since Christmas Eve? Since in the 3G universe* it is only Christmas Morning, Evan can’t be far….unless, he charred, slickered remains were in the hall closet where he hid with anticipation at seeing Margo’s face when she dealt with smoke inhala…..

    Oh! The Humanity!
    The Grist A3G throws into the Mills of comic strip characters’ existence is too much to be comprehended! Why, if that had been Ziggy in place of Margo then…

    Well then, if Ziggy was indeed in that bedroom instead of Margo then I could see BJ Bond leaving the building lickety split!
    Let the parrot, the dog, the fish, the turtle, the molerat, the snail, the cat and the caterpillar carry out Ziggy’s smokey corpse.

    —–
    *the “3G Universe” sounds soooo much cooler than it actually is

  255. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#212): Wow. Is that innocent? Is my mind besmutched by so much time here?

  256. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    MW: The special surprise is a guest visit by Betty Crocker, Sara Lee, and Mrs. Smith. Since Santa Royale still operates on 1950′s cultural norms, Aunt Jemima isn’t allowed into the building.

  257. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#256): Duncan Hines couldn’t make it?

  258. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#255): “besmutched” — I know it’s a typo, but I like it. It OUGHT to be a word!

  259. Mr. O’Malley
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#117): It’s possible to make a building out of rocks with no cement. Just do a search for “beehive huts”. Although it would be a challenge to fit the concept into a Crock strip.

    Maybe Quill wants to learn Photoshop, and he’s discovered that it’s cheaper to fly from Australia to the US to buy Adobe software than it is to buy it in Australia.

  260. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#257): Duncan and the Pillsbury Dough Boy are in Provincetown for their honeymoon.

  261. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#46): Plus some strategically-revealed leopard-print lingerie, I suspect.

  262. Anonymous
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    “This is so surreal!… we made a completely pink cake with flowers on it with a human figurine on top to represent the Beauty of Nature and won a prize which is fifty times greater than any other local cake contest anywhere! And we’re on local TV to boot!!

    The judges must be fans of red dye #14!”

  263. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#258): “Besmutched” – I liked the old Darrel better.

  264. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    A3G: IIRC (never a sure bet) Evan was surprised that Margo wasn’t home and said he wanted to see her face when she opened the present. So his plan was to have it burst into flames while he was standing there? Even leaving that aside, there was no way to know if Margo was going to be asleep when the package ignited, so as a plan to kill her it was…flawed. If she was awake and saw the package ignite, she would have known instantly that Evan had tried to kill her. There’s no way that I can think of that this makes any sense whatsoever.

  265. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#258): *cough* Yes, I did that on purpose to create a new word! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  266. tallyHO
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#255):

    “besmutched”, besmudgeoned, bewilbured.

  267. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#264): The competition is fierce, but I do believe Evan is currently the craziest person in the strip.

  268. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    GT: Fowler won’t get any balls unless he gives up the cock. Nope, no gay subtext here….

  269. La Cieca
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    In the general glee surrounding the extremely lucrative win by Mary and Mr. Whipple, are we going to ignore the obvious point that Joe Giella is recycling backgrounds from late 1960s Silver Surfer panels?

  270. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    Zits: You may have had it first, but Sarah does it better.

  271. Mr. O’Malley
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth and Pibgorn have the same background. That is very odd.

    Isn’t there a continuity error in RMMD? Melissa sent Rex and June out to see why she wasn’t getting any rent since Junior started managing her apartment building, offering them a free apartment in perpetuity as payment. This story has been dragging on so long you can’t go back to the beginning in the archive.

  272. Alison
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: Ten thousand dollars is, in fact, the same amount of money they often give away on television competitions on the Food Network. Hell, that’s what people get for winning “Chopped” which seems to be a pretty popular show. No way in hell is some doof in a small-town baking contest going to get that kind of money for winning. At best, he might pocket $500; at worst, he’d get nothing more than a ribbon and a certificate.

    As for the “special prize”, my guess is tickets for two for some trip, maybe a cruise. This which will hopefully lead to John inviting Mary to come with him, and then a very awkward arc in which Mary tells him she’s not interested in him whatsoever, no matter how many cake figurines of her likeness he carves.

  273. Peanut Gallery
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

  274. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Ok, this weekend getaway has gone on for about six months or so I’m a little vague on how this began, but… Doesn’t Melissa already OWN the building and she sent June and Rex out to find out where the hell all the back rent had gone?

  275. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#271): Oooh beat me to it by 2 minutes…..

  276. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft — Oh please may the card say, “Love Jeff Sure Go Nuts.”

  277. nescio
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#103): Technically coke isn’t yellow, but for the art in Crock, close enough.

  278. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#271), @Zerowolf (#275): I went back to the DailyInk archives, and here’s what really happened: Melissa loaned her nephew Junior the money to buy an apartment building, but now the tenants are paying no rent, so Junior can’t make the payments, and now he wants Melissa to take the place over from him. She won’t do it, until Rex and June go out to San Diego for the weekend and find out what the story is.

    That strip ran on August 15, 2012. Weekends do stretch out a bit, in the RMMD-verse.

  279. Horace Broon
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    S4th: “Well, Ted, since you ask, my diagnosis is that you have a need for attention, while at the same time having a fear of responsibility. So you babble these inappropriate pop-culture references in an attempt to make people notice you and dismiss you at the same time.”

  280. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Revenge4Aldo (#62):

    … Luann is visited by brain eating slugs…

    Evidently that must have happened a few years ago.

  281. Zerowolf
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#278): So six months of our time = 2 days of RMMD time. Does this mean we can expect the blessed event sometime in February of 2073?

  282. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @La Cieca (#269): Tomorrow afternoon a 150-foot wide asteroid will pass the earth at a distance of only 17,000 miles. Today two heralds are informing us that Galactus will be on board.

  283. Mr. O’Malley
    February 14th, 2013 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#278): August 15, 2012. You can see why my memory was a little hazy.

    So Melissa gave him a stake to get into the property management business, and he transformed an income property into a charity hospice financed by scantily dressed young women selling alcohol without a liquor license.

  284. Shrug and Let Shrug
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#283):

    “So Melissa gave him a stake to get into the property management business, and he transformed an income property into a charity hospice financed by scantily dressed young women selling alcohol without a liquor license.”

    You say that like it’s a bad thing….

  285. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#108):

    So, yay me! I guess.

    We-ull, yes! Yay, you!

  286. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    MW: There’s nothing quite like having a cake baking contest in a planetarium, especially when you get your cake to face Uranus.

  287. The Ridger
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    @NonnyMus (#10): I like to think that Lu Ann knows that the professor is a pyromaniac.

  288. Liam
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    A3G-From the charred rumble of the apartment building passerby’s here the sound of someone calling for help. “Hello. Is there anyone there? I’m still alive but very badly burned. If someone could call the paramedics or at least throw me some ointment.”

  289. SF_Reader
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    MW – Those aren’t flash bulbs, those are graphic representations of Mary’s farts. See, in panel 1 she’s holding out her hand saying, “Pull my finger!”

  290. Mikey
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Luann: G-day Yank!…Surprise! It’s Mel Gibson in full Braveheart makeup….

  291. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#276):

    Crankshaft — Oh please may the card say, “Love Jeff Sure Go Nuts.”

    I thought it might come out garbled by the florist as, “To Rose, the Path to My Heart”
    And everyone would feel really awkward for days.

  292. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#286): *snicker*

  293. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#273): Ok, Poteet. ‘Fess up. Where were you in 1887?

  294. Huckleberry Fink
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#260): Betty Crocker only agreed to appear because the Santa Royale Cake Society made a generous donation to her favorite charity: a shelter for battered women.

  295. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#246): House isn’t a surgeon, which is probably why it took him seven whole seasons to land in prison.

  296. MARGO
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    Had he not been in the panel, I would’ve assumed the “special surprise” was Dill popping out of another, larger cake wearing bathing trunks and swiveling his hips suggestively. “Do you desire me now, my lovely Mary, now that you’ve seen my scantily-clad physique? I’ve been doing isometric exercises every morning since we met.”

  297. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#287): I like to think “Papagoras” is Greek for “firestarter.”

  298. wossname
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#264): I’ve been wondering many of the same things about Evan’s intentions. First of all, are we sure that he really planned to watch Margo find the package? I’m thinking maybe he just said “I wish I could see her face when she finds it.” Many of us were gleeful at the idea that he was hiding in the closet, but that turned out not to be the case.
    As far as the chemical makeup of the bomb: One possibility is that it was supposed to be a minor stink bomb, but the chemicals in Evan’s Fisher-Price chemistry set had deteriorated so it turned into something more serious. But here’s a new theory that I just invented: Evan intended to put something mildly annoying in the closet (a rotting bass discarded by Rod Bassy and Catfish, let’s say). But Aunt Cathy switched packages on him, so he unknowingly planted a well-designed firebomb.
    However this all works out, I can’t wait for the moment when Margo, realizing what Evan did, confronts him. Maybe that’ll happen in time for my birthday in July.

  299. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    MW Wow. There’s no pink. That monstrous cake has sucked all the pink out of the universe. All pink matter has collapsed into its own relentless gravitational pull. John Dill’s creation has turned into a terrifying pink hole.
    // Surprise!

    A3ICU“What did the Professor say?”
    “Oh, my gosh – I forgot all about him!! I left him in the car! Or was it the dry cleaners?”

  300. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#247): Hey, I gotta pay for those, you know! I get them at half-price, but get this: it counts toward my royalties. My current estimate is that if I keep giving them away for doorstops, ahem, Christmas presents, I’ll have earned another royalty check by 2049 at the latest.

    Josh will no doubt recognize this situation, with some painful regret. Or, if the novel is his first, sorry.

  301. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

  302. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#299): “Pink hole” is a phrase that simply has no business existing. Whatsoever. No, not even a little.

  303. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    A thoughtful Hagar the Horrible brought Helga a Valentine’s Day gift: a STD he caught from one of his camp followers. He also brought the camp follower home to meet the wife and kids (surprise — she’s in the bag!).

    Hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day. The wife and I went out to a nice romantic dinner. Well, as romantic as a dinner can get with a 10-year-old tagging along!

  304. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#302): And the pink sugar Mary Worth is at the core of it all.

  305. MARGO
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    As for the “million lines”, perhaps he’s referring to all the rudimentary cross-hatching. He can be forgiven for overestimating them. I mean a smarter man wouldn’t be attempting to build an outhouse with a sledgehammer in the first place.

  306. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    February 14th, 2013 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, Mr. Batiuk, for not showing Les and that Harpy celebrating Valentine’s Day. Instead, I can just imagine that they did NOT celebrate, that the She-witch was her usual hateful self, and that he was filled with regret that he was chained to that scold when he could be living in BLISS with me! Yesss! That’s what it’s like – they are Not Happy! It’s only a matter of time until her demon spell over him is broken…

    But once the “Sweetest Day” passes, could we please get back to the reason for this whole narrative- LES! There are so many stories to be told of his intelligence, his wit, his empathy for others; stories that do not include HER. Please, Mr. Batiuk – MORE LES. (HaHa, did you see what I did there?)

    Laughing through the tears,
    Susan Smith, President

  307. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#255): It was indeed completely sweet and innocent.

  308. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Off the Charts (#207):

    “////// Shrug’s shameful admission: I have never actually seen a single episode of “Gilligan’s Island,” and had to go to Wikipedia to find out what the names of the young women were. Confession feels good.”

    So, I take it that you are not a child of the 1960s/1970s.

  309. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

  310. Peanut Gallery
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#308): I wasted far too much of my childhood watching Gilligan’s Island reruns. Many years afterward, I watched one episode and it was even worse than I remembered. But I still think the “musical version of Hamlet” one was probably pretty clever.

    Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
    ♫ Do not forget: stay out of debt…

  311. Chad Sexington
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    When Cakemaster John says “this is surreal,” he is not being effusive; he is being quite literal. In an instant, he and Mary have been transported to the stary heights of the cosmos. Their “special surprise” will be their coronation as King and Queen of the Celestial Realm, and from her heavenly throne, Mary Worth shall finally take her rightful place as the transcendent and eternal meddler of all time and space.

  312. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#309): @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#306): I’m so sorry.

    “Sorry” doesn’t begin to cover it:

    http://www.photodave.net/2008album/05may/vpp/ranger17.jpg

    Frankly, Les looks better in death than he ever did in life.

  313. MWDG
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    MW: I think Zerowolf has the right idea indicating that our dear American Icon Aunt Jemima is involved in the cake contest prize. Would be great if one of the following occurs:

    • A fifty foot Aunt Jemima attacks the Santa Royale convention center
    • Mary is chosen as the 21st century Aunt Jemima and undergoes a race transplant
    • Mary makes a political incorrect joke involving Aunt Jemima and incites a riot in the crowd and the convention center is burned to the ground
    • The Zombie of Aunt Jemima enters the convention center attacking Mary
    • Sunday’s panel features Mary’s ex, Jeff and loveable Aunt Jemima demonstrating several of the more complicated Kama Sutra positions

  314. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#312): Yep. That’s him all right. Doesn’t he look natural?

  315. Zla'od
    February 14th, 2013 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    @310

    “There’s just one other thing
    “You’ve got to do
    “To thine own self be true.”

  316. fiercebadrabbit
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    Camera flashes? Nay, you gaze into the heart of the cosmos. Here we witness the moment when Mary ascends beyond all human comprehension and takes her place as a force beyond the ken of our puny minds. Behold the ascension of Galactus, and her doughy, mustachioed herald, the fondant surfer.

  317. Cloudbuster
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#310): It worries me, sometimes that I have brain cells actively retaining “The Ballad of Gilligans Island” and Polonius’ song from the Gilligan’s Island musical Hamlet, but my college Calculus is almost entirely gone. Does that seem right to you?

  318. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    @MWDG (#313): A fifty foot Aunt Jemima attacks the Santa Royale convention center

    Few people realize that Leopold’s girl friend — Nancy the 50-Foot Woman — is the daughter of Aunt Jemima and the Jolly Green Giant:

    http://www.gocomics.com/scarygary/2012/12/16

  319. seismic-2
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    Dick Cavett likes to tell about the joke he told on the Tonight Show that really made host Johnny Carson break up: “The project I’m working on now is developing a sitcom. It will be a humorous version of Gilligan’s Island.”

  320. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#309): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#312): Unspeakably cruel and tasteless!

    ss

  321. Sgt. Stoned
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    Crock: She’s a brick….da-da-da-da….house/She’s mighty, mighty,/Jes’ lettin’ it all hang out…

    MW: Yes, the cake-baking competition is the equivalent of the Super Bowl in Santa Royale. Now, I’m guessing that Santa Royale is located in California and if the North Koreans try hard enough, they just might be able to lob a nuclear missile that far and gain the gratitude of the rest of the world.

  322. Calico
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#303):
    Herpes the Horrible!

    I had another joke in my pea head but have forgotten it…Bawwww

  323. Jamus The Bartender
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    9CL: So. It looks like Edda and Juliette will be doin’ some time in the hole. We have no idea why, but cookies of some kind are involved, and…..hell, this is win-win. Edda and Juliette and Juliette’s hot friend are all going to jail. This is the best Valentine’s Day ever. Thank you Brooke. I don’t care what anyone else says, you’re okay.

  324. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#322):

    To paraphrase Tennessee Ernie Ford: “Bless your pea-pickin’ heart!”

  325. Jamus The Bartender
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Oh, yeah, Valentine’s Day. Don’t be suprised if Daredevil digs up Elektra or Karen Page’s corpses and starts crying. He has good days and bad days.

    Gasoline Alley: Well, you can’t say Rufus hasn’t given this sufficient thought.

  326. Calico
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    John and Mary are going to be smokin’ whiskey and drinking cocaine.

  327. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#320): Yeah. Ain’t I a stinker?

  328. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#327):

    Are you Bugs Bunny?

    // Dating my self, again…

  329. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

  330. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#328): In the future, we will all be Bugs Bunny, for fifteen minutes. — Albert Camus

  331. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#330): Little known fact: Elmer Fudd ghost wrote for Albert Camus.

  332. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#307): Good. Thank you. *heads for the bathroom to wash her brain out with soap*

  333. Poteet
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#293): Wait, it’s coming back to me now! 1887…I was in the kitchen with Mary Worth and we were making salmon squares and she was talking about a flower-arranging contest she had won for twenty years in a row and I dropped some of the mix on her, accidentally on purpose, and she said “Dammit, Poteet, you besmutched my apron!” And then she glared at me and her eyes turned bright red and I spent the next fifty years as a tortoise. Coulda been worse.

  334. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#333): *hearts*

  335. bats :[
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

  336. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

  337. Sequitur
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#335): I be flummoxed.

  338. commodorejohn
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#111): Wait, wait, there are people here who don’t know who the Little Rascals were!? I’m not even thirty and I know…this is another facet of my weird, weird upbringing, isn’t it? But…how can that be? I mean, there were tapes at the public library and everything!

  339. Mr. O’Malley
    February 14th, 2013 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    @MWDG (#313): Many people don’t realize there was a real Aunt Jemima. Actually the name came from a song and vaudeville act. But the company (R. T. Davis Milling Company) hired an African-American lady named Nancy Green to do personal appearances for them doing demonstrations of making pancakes. She was such a hit at the Columbian Exposition in Chicago in 1893 that sales skyrocketed and they kept her at it until her death in 1923. Sort of like television commercials before television was invented.

    The early packaging was kind of embarrassing by modern standards but considering the times it could have been a lot worse.

  340. Sequitur
    February 15th, 2013 at 12:11 am [Reply]

  341. Dawn Weston's Evil Twin
    February 15th, 2013 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth, Feb. 15: Mary sez, “John … just shut up and kiss me! I can’t wait to get out of this one-horse town, leave that dweeb Dr. Jeff behind me, and bite into the Big Apple with you at my side!”

  342. DigitalGonzo
    February 15th, 2013 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    I sort of hope that this is how Crock ends: a steady progression from banal comic strip into nothingness. Sure, it begins with something close to humor, a character openly refusing to tell a joke. Maybe after that can come a refusal to say anything, and soon, days on end of textless panels. Then they refuse to move, so every day, every panel is the same, an unblinking torrent of silent despair staring out at you like a one-act Beckett play. Soon the details start to fade as the art itself loses interest, the door loses a knob, a table disappears, walls and characters lose definition, until the last strip published appears: simply three blank panels with the title “Crock” on top.

  343. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 15th, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    SF 1/15: Ted Fotrh is a fucking idiot. That is all.

  344. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 15th, 2013 at 12:34 am [Reply]

  345. Droopy Says
    February 15th, 2013 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: And Spiderdick takes Daredevil from behind, in an act that is clearly nonconsensual. Where do you think you are, Parker–Vegas?

    Mock Travail: Inevitably, there is no clip art of Trail and Rusty looking at digital images on a monitor.

    Funky WunNote: So this is what happened to the losing entries in the Mary Mirthless cake-off. Batiuk is so impressed by this one that he forgot to make sure we realize Boring Bandleader Becky only has one arm.

    Mock Travail: Trail could kick himself. If he’d made it clear to Rusty that he was supposed to get kidnapped, the little nightcrawler might have brought home some interesting photos.

    Family Circus: Jeffy, God hears your prayers because you’re saying them in the world’s best echo chamber.

    Mock Travail: The giant mutant deer is stunned into silence by the bratty way Rusty fails to call an adult “Mr. Catfish.”

    Pluggers: You’re a true-blue Plugger if you aren’t thinking “Breakfast . . . should’ve scrambled that egg before the kid hatched . . . lunch . . . mum’s ready to be turned into soup stock . . . ”

    Phantom: I agree that this is totally mean. Lions hate ham.

    Mary Mirthless: So the contest rules include inentured servitude? Did it occur to anyone that most people might not look on that as a prize?

  346. Droopy Says
    February 15th, 2013 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#343): I read that as “I-15,” which makes him a trucking idiot.

  347. Dale
    February 15th, 2013 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#295):

    I didn’t say House was a surgeon. Isn’t he supposed to be some kind of medical doctor? Maybe he just has a post-grad degree in something and a lab coat. I will continue to not watch the program as much as possible.

  348. Dale
    February 15th, 2013 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    So many MARK TRAIL villains act like first-timers, but aren’t. Obviously, they don’t care about their profession, or they would do some thinking.

    If the Brassy & Bullhead Killer Lure Van is loaded with cheating equipment, why bring it to the contest site? Why would Bullhead even show up? He has to immediately leave.

    When Mark asks to see inside the van (*), they respond, “It’s messy.” rather than “Why?”
    (*) How often do sports reporters ask to see the inside of a professional bowler’s car trunk?

  349. Majicou
    February 15th, 2013 at 3:04 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#347): Er, the show’s over, so well done, I suppose. Yes, he was a medical doctor (the title House, M.D. wasn’t just for funsies.) He was a Vicodin addict, and honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with him in real life either.

  350. Jkl
    February 15th, 2013 at 4:26 am [Reply]

    @Midtown (#54)

    You were so right! Is there a badge for seeing the future that you can get?

  351. Notebooked
    February 15th, 2013 at 6:11 am [Reply]

    @DigitalGonzo (#342): Day by day, the letters blink out of the title, reforming to shape something like the sight of galaxies. Over the space of twenty comics, the POV zooms in on one of the spiralling arms of the Milky Way, closer, closer, until we can see a pale, blue dot.

    The dot becomes bigger and bigger as we approach — we can discern continents, oceans, great rock formations. But nothing is as it should be, masses of land locked together in an arrangement that hasn’t been seen today for millions of years.

    On a dusty field, a heavy-lidded human approaches another, his steps slow and heavy, an uncertain gait like a child. He grunts a phrase that amounts to “dig, we need a waste pit.”
    The spoken to turns to the camera and, eyes showing resignation, says “There’s a million lines here, but I ain’t touching a one of them.”

    Crock returns to the title, and the universe is born anew.

  352. Daniel
    February 15th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    MW Mary looks like the misshapen Dean clone from Venture Bros.

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