Does everything that a … um … what is that exactly?
Spider-Man, 12/15/04
One of the great joys of starting to read a new serial comic strip in the middle of a storyline is the feeling of loopy disorientation you get trying to get a hold on events as they unfold at a rate of three panels a day. With some strips, the problem is that nothing at all seems to be happening, and then it just keeps on not happening (e.g., Steve Roper and Judge Parker); with others, you have lots of jarring changes in focus and incomprehensible action because about seventeen things are happening at once to people who all look alike (e.g., Gil Thorp).
Then there’s Spider-Man (or, perhaps more properly, The Amazing Spider-Man). I already know the basics about Spider-Man (he does everything a spider can, yadda yadda), and of course the superhero genre features its share of outlandish clothing, but I was definitely not prepared for that … outfit … that this “Kraven” person has on. I mean, where to start? With the textured cape, designed to look like a lion’s mane? With the cat-like eyes, strategically placed over the nipples? The chain across the front, over the washboard abs? The skintight leopard-print pants with matching arm and wrist bands? The animal-tooth studded belt?
In short, the dude is pretty fly. Despite the fact that he’s obviously dressed for supervilliany, though, this week’s Spider-Man mostly involves a rather pissy verbal exchange between Kraven and Spidey in front of the paparazzi. Presumably the ass-kicking will begin in due time.
Superhero comics are good for sound effects, too. Note the FWIPP in panel two — the extra P is for extra, um, spideryness. Also, Kraven may be some sort of bad-ass lion-themed criminal mastermind, but he still says “Sigh” aloud, Charlie Brown-style.
December 15th, 2004 at 11:19 pm
Actually, if you want to get technical about it, it’s “The Amazing Spider-Man”: hyphenated.
December 16th, 2004 at 10:34 am
I was preparing my own super-outfit, which was to consist solely of tight terry cloth shorts and wristbands. Now, though, I’m thinking it might be too derivative.
December 16th, 2004 at 10:43 am
What I want to know is, where the heck is he fwipping off, the break room? It’s like he’s so used to swinging off on weblines that he forgot he was indoors.
S: “That’s it, I’m outta here!”
Thwip! Swooosh! Thump! Climb-climb-climb! Leap! Whump! Thwip!
K: “You know, if you would just walk out the door like a normal person–”
S: “Shut up!”
K: “Sigh”
December 16th, 2004 at 1:34 pm
Neil,
That was damn funny.
I should also note that Kinsey found “Charlie Brown-style” to be among the least popular sexual positions.
December 16th, 2004 at 2:41 pm
I just wish I knew what was going through Kraven’s mind as he picked his secret-identity name.
“Let’s see…how about “craven”, as in “complete and utter coward”. Yeah, that’s it! Only with a “K”, ’cause that’s bad-ass.”
Or maybe it meant to sound like “cravin’”, as in how I feel about White Castle hamburgers.
December 16th, 2004 at 3:25 pm
I believe Kraven’s real name (from the comic books, anyway) is Sergei Kravinov.
This may not add to your suspension of disbelief, but I thought I’d mention it.
December 16th, 2004 at 3:45 pm
David — You are of course correct about the hyphen, as a quick visit to Marvel’s and King Feature’s sites confirms. Damn you, Houston Chronicle, for misleading me! Anyway, I’m far to obsessive not to fix it, so I fixed it.
December 16th, 2004 at 11:04 pm
Yeah, doesn’t surprise me that the newspaper (which is supposed to be paying attention to things like this) screwed it up.
December 16th, 2004 at 11:32 pm
Kraven the Hunter is actually one of Spidey’s longest-running nemeses: http://www.spiderfan.org/characters/kraven.html
He’s a “Most Dangerous Game” type, who decided that Spider-Man was the prey most worthy of his talents.
December 17th, 2004 at 4:49 am
The key to understanding Kraven’s outfit–he was created in the 1960s. That basically explains it all if you’ve seen much sixties fashion.
December 17th, 2004 at 9:38 am
Jon,
Good link. I especially liked:
Appearance
Height: 240 lbs. (Estimated)
Weight: 6′ 3″ (Estimated)
You know, some dude in his basement probably spent six months on computer models to “estimate” Kraven’s height and weight.
December 17th, 2004 at 3:03 pm
Okay…I’ll be the first to mention it…doesn’t anyone else notice the size of Spidey’s ummmm “inner thigh muscle?” I’m thinking that’s why he’s getting out of there AND why MJ is so pissed.
December 17th, 2004 at 4:21 pm
Timmer, you mean the “Rumsfeld” muscle?
December 17th, 2004 at 4:38 pm
I notice on the Kraven link he is “deceased (suicide).” Obviously the current strip is preceded by an explanation of how he came back to life… Anyone care to fill the rest of us in?
December 19th, 2004 at 3:29 am
For one thing, the current Spidey strip mostly consists of Stan Lee (or his ghostwriter [Ghost Rider?]) rehashing the major storylines of Spidey’s 40+ year history again and again. It’s like the “Ultimate” book, but without the aesthetic evolution that’s occurred in comics over the past four decades.
While Kraven did kill himself in the book, there is currently someone calling himself “Kraven the Hunter” in present continuity, though I’m not enough of a fan to know the details there. Knowing how these things go, however, I’ll guess he’s a clone or a previously unknown son or the original’s brain put in a new body or something of that sort.
December 20th, 2004 at 1:30 am
The Spidey newspaper strip does not share continuity with the comic books, I think. Or if it does, it’s only in the loosest of ways.
December 27th, 2004 at 8:52 am
Does that mean Doc Ock’s not really dead???
Anyway: With apologies to Jay Pinkerton.
December 27th, 2004 at 8:57 am
D’oh:
jimtreacher.com/spidey.GIF
December 27th, 2004 at 9:03 am
With apologies to Jay Pinkerton
(Josh read it so I didn’t have to.)…
December 30th, 2004 at 12:25 am
I thought the same thing as Neil. Except I thought he was just fwipping off to the ceiling. I figured the fourth panel would show Spidey hanging out in the corner at the ceiling and the other two staring at him in an awkward silence.
March 1st, 2005 at 5:31 am
oh man this was one of the dorkiest/funniest/dorkiest things i have ever read.
yeeeup
April 10th, 2005 at 10:50 am
Very entertaining. A buddy of mine just turned me onto your site, so let me return the favor, and point you here http://www.cuppacafe.com where there was a discussion going on about Thomas Hayden Church being named as the villain in Spider-Man #3.
SpyderB0y
July 19th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Isn’t that what you call it when you take a running start and miss?