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I was going to name Kingpin “Roy Goujon,” but realized that’s way too smart for Newspaper Spider-Man

Spider-Man, 3/6/13

We make fun of Newspaper Spider-Man as a character here a lot, and for entirely justified reasons. But we must save some pity for the other characters exiled to the Newspaper Spider-Man universe as well! Take for instance the Kingpin, whose main villainous super-characteristic seems to be his bulk. In a fair comic-book universe, he might be expected to display his displeasure by, say, theatrically bending an iron bar in half or something; instead, he’s reduced to busting up his entirely ordinary white-collar workstation. Tune in tomorrow when Ted King, assistant director of the accounts receivables department, must sheepishly ask IT for a new keyboard!

Mary Worth, 3/6/13

I think we can say with a certain degree of confidence that Nice But Nervous-Looking Lady Moving Into 3E will end up helping Tom Harpman forget his ex-wife and love again, despite the arbitrary disapproval of Mean-Faced Old Lady Also Moving Into 3E Who Is Probably Nice But Nervous-Looking Lady’s Mother. Still, I think it would be great if this were an entirely new storyline, and the Tale of Tom Harpman were at nine days the shortest Mary Worth plot on record. “Turns out the guy keeps to himself because he’s sad and divorced. Likes soup, though. Let’s never talk about him again. So, how about Apartment 3E, right?”

Edge City, 3/6/13

I have significantly less tolerance for dwelling on Edge City’s obsessive neurotic antics than Uncle Lumpy does, but I do admit a certain queasy fascination with seeing how explicit this “the characters explore B&D” storyline will get, so, here you go: obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin tops from the bottom.

Pluggers, 3/6/13

Plugger diversity is when a bunch of different brands of tires are owned by white people.

341 responses to “I was going to name Kingpin “Roy Goujon,” but realized that’s way too smart for Newspaper Spider-Man

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Mickey Mouse — Don’t try to kid a kidder, Uncle Walt. You glued those dishes together, didn’t you?

    http://www.creators.com/comics/mickey-mouse.html

    Hagar/Wizard of Id — “There Oughta Be a Law” against Browne and Parker sharing the same ((gag)) writer. (Apologies to Harry Shorten and Al Fagaly!)

  2. Mark Trail
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Ah, what fun those interviews were! What a shame I couldn’t take proper notes with my tiny claw-like appendages.

  3. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    “Roy Goujon” doesn’t hold a candle to “Baka Gaijin” when it comes to names.

  4. Old Folkie
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark wonders where Rusty is, with a big smile on his face – “I hope the brat got kidnapped again, for good this time”

    Crank: Cranky’s mad ’cause he didn’t say it first.

  5. Chareth Cutestory
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Kingpin is so ornery because he can’t type with his fat fingers on that tiny keyboard.

    Mary Worth: Was I supposed to start giggling as soon as I saw that grumpy grandma face? Also, you’d be nervous too if you had driven several hours with a passenger who had their walking cane locked and loaded to bash in your face.

  6. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    A3G-A few weeks later…”Margo, what happened to Greg?” “Greg who? Let’s put the past behind us and move on.”

    A3G 2-Margo has lots of work to do. Her only client is playing the new James Bond and Margo is way behind on telling the world that.

    A3G 3-So if Greg is playing James Bond then that would make him forgettable one. The one who is between Sean Connery and Roger Moore.

    JP-And this is how my “Judge Parker” lesbian themed fan fic would start.

    MW-I predict that the old lady will reject Mary Worth and die some horrible horrible death.

    MT-Whenever I leave Rusty alone anywhere I usually find him in the car with it running for me and since he doesn’t want to damage the environment he runs a tube from the tail pipe into the car.

    FW-”Now let me give you a long and boring history of the pepperoni’s relationship to pizza. We must go all the way back to the dawn of civilization. It was a warm Mesopotamian night…”

  7. Écureuil Écumant
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    MW: Mamma Pazzo’s pilgrimaged all the way from Compostela to visit the Shrine of St. Harpman. And no meddling biddy with insouciantly-flipped scarf better try to bar her from the shrine!

  8. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Pity poor Ted when he has to ask for replacement otters for the San Francisco Bay!

    And, um, are we sure that’s Nice-But-Nervous Lady’s mother? I guess I’m saying Mary Worth may be ready to break down some trans-phobia.

  9. Mibbitmaker
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    A3G: NO ADVICE FROM YOU, Luann DeGroot!

    9CL: Edda Burber: Creature of Pure Stupid.

    RMMD: Substitute for last word balloon: “It means, in WoodyWilsonland, he’s a sucker!”

    FW: I guess I’m in for a bunch of dietary disease jokes today. I hate those… and I hate you, Batiuk! Divide and conquer your plan?

    JP: As opposed to all those surly adult-patient doctors that scowl and pick on everybody all the time, Abbey?

    MW: Recluse story boring. Bring on Christopher Walken and Mary Gross instead….

  10. Donald Saxman
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Thanks Josh!

    Daily Ink carries vintage”Rip Kirby.” That alone is worth $24 a year.

    My gain and Amazon’s loss.

    Hmmm. That means I’ll have to delete the two year old email I have from the Chronicle saying “build a comic” will be back on-line “in a month or two.”

  11. pugfuggly
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    ASM I look forward to tomorrow when these three realize they’re staying at the same Best Western and have their epic battle over the breakfast bar.

    MW A divorcee, a nervous businesswoman and an evil wizard? I think Mary Worth’s finally jumped the shark.

    EC Turns out that ’20 Shades of Blue’ was just about a couple who likes to have sex while dressed in business attire. Oh, and then capture and strangle hobos with their ties for their own sexual gratification.

    Pluggers ‘And this tire is dead flat! Deader than…..Kojak, I suppose….”

  12. Écureuil Écumant
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: On “Family Feud” last night the category was “other names for baldness”. I guess Pluggers are too macho to use #3, “Bald as a baby’s butt”.

  13. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Plugger diversity is also referencing a TV show that went off the air 30 years ago…which starred a white guy.*

    *Unless you count the short-lived remake starring Ving Rhames, but that lasted what, maybe a month or two?

  14. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-E — I think “Molly Hatchetface” will bludgeon Tom Harpman to death with the crowbar she’s holding in panel #2.

  15. tybeecat
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MW- Are we sure that’s a grumpy old lady? My first thought was it’s Dr. House back from the dead. He would shake things up at Charterstone for sure.

  16. Joshua
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    GA: So the way that Rufus is going to miss out on the $100,000 is not by his purported marriage to a donkey being illegal — it’s going to be by his purported marriage to a donkey being a few minutes too late?

  17. Mibbitmaker
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW, continued: …and it looks like Walken is already brandishing a weapon. So it’s the psychotic character Walken, not the lovable comedic Walken, then. That could be a real chalenge for Mary, unlike that earlier guy.

  18. Ethan Shuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Plugger diversity is making your truck dangerously unstable with mismatched tires.

  19. Mibbitmaker
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    #17: “challenge”, that is.

  20. nescio
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    MW: I hope the new folks introduce a new pastime to Charterstone: driving around and striking random passersby with a metal cane out the passenger side window. Specifically, I hope they drive by wherever Mary and Toby are walking. The older woman is obviously upset about not reaching her daily quota yet.

  21. nescio
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Plugger diversity is owning a miniature truck the size of a golf cart.

  22. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    The uptight lady wearing a Nehru jacket is a licensed THERAPIST? There’s absolutely nothing “Abby Normal” about that!

  23. Droopy Says
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y65): The Hammer film where Dracula was finished off with water was “Dracula, Prince of Darkness.” I forget how he was destroyed in “Dracula AD 1972,” but it had a neat bit where another vampire was destroyed by using mirrors to reflect sunlight into his hiding-place (an idea someone may have stolen from the Fifties SF story, “Bullard Reflects”), and even better, it put the “AD” in its proper spot before the year. I’m not sure about silver bullets and vampires–I think that’s for werewolves. A werewolf a great way to destroy Rusty. Vampires normally feed only on humans, but werewolves will eat just about anything that moves. @Joshua (#16):

  24. Droopy Says
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    @Joshua (#16): Rufus will get the inheritance from marrying above himself. He has to. How else can he lose the remaining money to taxes and legal fees?

  25. Oregonian
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    At age 92, Margo Magee finally retires from the life of a Manhattan publicist and moves across the country to live out her declining years with her niece in an apartment in Santa Royale. The transition takes the form of a 2,000 mile drive in a 1974 Datsun, wherein an aluminum cane sits poised ever-ready to rap the knuckles of the driver should the dial on the speedometer approach 55.
    At quiet moments in that great empty expanse west of the Hudson, Margo’s vigilance wavers while her thoughts turn to their new home and the cruel twist of fate that should bring her so near and yet so far from nirvanna. “3G!” she mutters to herself repeatedly. “Why couldn’t it have been 3G?!” She feels a simmering anger toward the young hussy behind the wheel and vows to wring the neck of the next woman she sees wearing a pearl choker.

  26. pugfuggly
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    A3G Ever get the feeling that A3G is actually about little kids? Little kids who pretend to be publicists and nurses and actors until one of them has to move with their family to London (Wisconsin), but still promise to call each other every single day?

    FW Even the ‘funny’ strips here feel depressing. Funky tries to reach out and help out a fellow obesity-sufferer before he gets too old and fat to change, and all John can do make a crack about pepperoni being a vegetable to cover the fact that deep down inside he knows it’s too late for him. They eat in silence with smirks on their faces, crying inside.

    MT Tomorrow on…MARK TRAIL: “Well, he’s not in the car…maybe he’s in the lodge…..no, not in the lodge, maybe he’s in on the wharf…….no, not on the wharf, maybe he…”

  27. Brad White
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    And, in Mary Worth, Grand Moff Tarkin, crippled from his narrow escape from an exploding Death Star, and disguised as a woman to avoid Rebel attention, finally finds his soul mate.

    “Don’t worry, Mary, the condo board will no longer be of any concern to us.”

  28. Alice
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Edge City: 20 Shades of Blue? That’s a weak parody title if ever I saw one, but considering that syndicated strips still operate under content restrictions first mandated by the prophet Jeremiah in the sixth century B.C.E., I’ll give it a pass. At least “blue” vaguely suggests that yes, she is referring to something kinky.

    Luann: Right after Quill’s semi-assertive attempt at getting his “Yank” to STFU about Tiffany, cue…a contrived coincidence! Hilarity is sure to ensue…from the comments by non-ironic GoComics readers who no doubt think this is fresh and original comedy and are sitting with baited breath–baited, I tell you!–wondering what will happen next? (Spoiler alert: nothing that changes the Oz/Yank non-relationship one iota.)

  29. KreatureFeatures
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    FW: Yes, who doesn’t relate to a childish disdain for foods with cancer-preventing properties like vegetables. If cancer was good enough for Saint Lisa, it’s good enough for perpetual adolescents and slothful ex-alcoholics.

  30. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    LaCuc has been invaded by the hellbeast.

    R&R: *snurk*

    SBp: puns. that’s how you do it.

    Zits: most of the usual tropes in one strip.

    FW: same basic joke as PBS, just with a smirk.

    PMP: d’awwwww with a fuzzy slice of foreber home.

    Pluggers are racist.

    SFx: pissing off the young earthers, but that’s ok.

    rMC: bridesmaid Lily. *moe-squee*

    Retail: guest-starring Sequitur.

  31. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . when the sunshine really does come from your ass.

  32. Marc
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    9CL- I already wish that I wouldn’t have opened my mouth yesterday and wondered where Edda was.

    A3G- I have a feeling that this will be both the worst and most under promoted James Bond movie ever. It should be enough to ruin Greg’s nearly nonexistent acting career and destroy Margo’s PR firm. That is of course, if she doesn’t get bored with it first.

    Beetle- Beetle Bailey has long been toiling in the realm of stupid and nonsensic, but today’s is just really, really goddamn disturbing.

    Funky- So is the joke that Comic Book John is a fucking idiot?

    Luann- So Quill is rich and lives in a palacial, Oceanside estate, and he’s pissing his time away with this insane bitch?

    Mark Trail- “Hmm, Rusty is not in the car. I even cracked the window for him this time, what possible reason could he have to run off? Oh we’ll, I might as well give up looking.”

    Mary Worth- God, what I wouldn’t give to have this old crank in the car turn out to be Aunt Cathy from 3G on the run from the law.

  33. btown
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MW: I have to say that a battle royale at Santa Royale between Mary Worth and Evil Old Lady/Christopher Walken promises to be the most thrilling thing ever in this strip! I can’t wait to see what magic is used to turn it into something bland and saccharine!

  34. Jack Scat
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Are you kidding? Plugger diversity according the strip is when dog are married to kangaroos and live next door to chickens.

  35. Alice
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#32): (Re Luann) Yeah, and why is Quill sitting around in his luxurious seaside estate, clad in a swimsuit, anyway? Doesn’t he have school? Or is he so wealthy that his dad has hired the cream of Australian academe as Quill’s private tutors? And if that’s so…well, that returns us to your question, Marc.

  36. dc20willsave
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Grumpy Old Lady should become the Anti-Mary Worth. Whereas Mary will meddle until others revere her glory, Grumpy Old Lady will beat them with her cane until they pray for mercy.

  37. Hibbleton
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Pluggers break down barriers when they drive through them due to a blowout.

  38. Christopher
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: In what’s sure to be the worst cartoon crossover ever one of Mary Worth’s new neighbors will be Jafar from Disney’s Aladdin.

    Pluggers: Pluggers are too old to be familiar with Jason Statham, Patrick Stewart, or even Bruce Willis.

  39. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: C’mon, Josh, that dog is as brown as they come!

  40. revenge4Aldo
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    MT “Oh, Rusty isn’t here? Well, I’ll file this story, then pick up Rojo and take him fishing.”

  41. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    RMMD: A loan? Back in my day self-made men didn’t even have a loan! Just ideas! Stolen ideas! And they cobbled computers together from scavenged nails, lightbulbs, paint and plywood in their garages! They were fake, but they fooled the rubes!

    // Get off my self-made lawn!

  42. pugfuggly
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#32):

    A3G- I have a feeling that this will be both the worst and most under promoted James Bond movie ever.

    I hear that the Bond theme is going to be performed by some unknown singer named ‘Tommie’ something? It’s called ‘Live and let Die and eat Reuben Sandwiches’

    @btown (#33):

    It will be an epic battle between Mary the White and Grumpy the Grey. One biddy to rule them all….

  43. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G: Er, sure…Gary. I’ll call you every day.

    Beetle Bailey: Edge City, whatevs. You can find the real kinks at Camp Swampy.

    Blondie: Pepto-Bismol pink is apparently a magic color in the world of comic strips.

    9 Chickweed Lane translated: Edda: Hey, Ma – Daughters of Bilitis much? Dr. Burber: Oh hey, slut. Edda: I do look like a slut, I do! But I’m supposed to be a pure naive creature of art, so can I have some cookies, Mommy? [*]

    Dick Tracy: I sort of want Junior to wander over to Apt. 3-G and remind them of all the dropped plot points lying around unresolved. But did he just ask to commit the resources of one of the nation’s largest police departments in order to keep the peace at home? Nepotism: it’s the best.

    The Family Circus: Sick, nothing. This week has been the aftermath of Bil’s epic bender and the consequent unemployment. Settle in for some long-term sad, folks.

    Mark Trail: Somewhere around the fifth helping of Cherry’s pancakes, it begins to dawn on Mark that there’s something missing…almost as if there were someone missing at the table. Not that he can let that distract him now. There’s real maple syrup to contend with, after all.

    Mary Worth: This had better end with an unexplained “Christmas present”/gas bomb, is all I’m saying.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Sigh. Dave used to have an idea and a loan.

  44. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    9CL: They wasted no time getting Edda’s hideous, toothy, all-devouring maw into play.

  45. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

  46. Bootsy
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    MW: I don’t think those two “people” in that car will care for Mary’s soup.

  47. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @btown (#33): Tom Harpman, this watch I got here was first purchased by your great-grandfather during the First World War…

  48. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#43): How often is it you can work a Daughters of Bilitis reference into a comics snark? Well-played!

  49. btown
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Actually I think most true blue Pluggers would put the Greek Telly Savalas in the “swarthy foreigner” category

  50. The Diceman
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    MW: That’s no lady. It’s a badly-drawn Dr. Gregory House.

  51. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#48): How often is it that you can out-obscure Brooke McEldowney? That’s what I’m proud of!

  52. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    9CL – Reminds me of the old argument: “Is it racist if the stereotype is a positive one?”. Edda is a dumb bimbo. But it is OK, because dumb bimbos are wonderful creatures!

    Today confirms that the couch they are sitting on is indeed inside, and thus that Seth/Sven/Sean/Generic Beefcake #15 did indeed carry the cow inside the house.

  53. Comrade Denny
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    MW: Strange how the sidewalk just sort of ends suddenly in the middle of a grassy wetland, no? — but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised — after all, Charterstone already has every other convenience, so why not easy access to a peat bog to dispose of meddlesome old biddies?

  54. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    9CL – The train only runs as far as Boston, then you need to catch a (horrors!) bus to Manchester. You would think there was enough time to at least detach the bow from the front.

  55. Illustrator Steve
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    MT – …and the award for COMMENT MOST REPEATEDLY ASKED IN A NEARBY AREA SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE goes to our very own well known, and dearly loved comment…”I WONDER WHERE RUSTY DISPAPPEARED TO!”…for the SIXTIETH year in a row!

  56. Illustrator Steve
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#43): “MT – ….it begins to dawn on Mark that there’s something missing…almost as if there were someone missing at the table.”

    Which, to Mark, means….MORE PANCAKES FOR ME!

  57. Ratiocinator
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    9CL: Hey look, Edda finally showed up. And her smile in panel three is even more hideous than the dress.

    So…she’ll really do anything for cookies, huh?

    ASM: The Kingpin wanted to kill Daredevil, so he tried to kill him, but Daredevil didn’t get killed, enraging the Kingpin, making him want to kill Daredevil. So he’ll try to kill him, but Daredevil won’t be killed, and this will enrage the Kingpin and make him want to kill Daredevil. So he’ll try to kill him, but…

    FW: I’m not even saying “ha ha” because it’s not funny because a guy mistaking meat for a vegetable when nobody would ever do that doesn’t make you laugh, or smile, or anything. It just makes you go “What’s wrong with that guy? He’s weird.” And if Batiuk meant it as a pun–”pepperoni” having many of the same letters as “peppers”, you see–it’s a bad pun even by the current standards of this strip.

    Garfield: What could Odie have landed in that would make a “Gleep!” noise? Discuss. Or don’t, if you don’t want to talk about Garfield, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

    JP: Abbey’s right about pediatricians. They smile all the time! Not like those sourpuss orthopedic surgeons! What crawled up their asses? Or what about cardiologists–such downers they are, always on the verge of tears!

    The point is that when you go into medicine and pick a specialty, you are going to be stuck with only one mood for the rest of your life, so choose wisely!

    RMMD: I snark at this strip when I can, but truthfully I actually like it a lot of the time. If the moral of this story turns out to be “getting rich is easy if you just try”, though, I won’t like it very much any more.

  58. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action (#13):

    Plugger diversity is also referencing a TV show that went off the air 30 years ago…which starred a white guy.*

    *Unless you count the short-lived remake starring Ving Rhames, but that lasted what, maybe a month or two?

    The last original episode of the original show ran in March 1978, so that’s 35 years ago. Of course, there were half a dozen made-for-tv movies in the eighties and early nineties, and it’s still in reruns on cable.

  59. Marc
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Walken looks so pissed because he needs more cowbell, but he heard that some old bitty at his new home has campaigned tirelessly against the combination of heathen rock n roll music and devices meant to track the movement of cattle.

  60. Sgt Saunders
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    That Kingpin wouldn’t be needin no skeezy Ted King from Accountz Payabo’ to jack him a new keyboard from IT if Herb Kornfeld were still around, yo! Herb would not be waitin’ on no punk-ass Spiderman and Daredevil to bust Kingpin sorry as around Midstate Office Supply. Herb would be BAWLIN’ and comin’ down hard on all the Accountz Payabo knockas, especially this wack Kingpin sucka, before Spiderman could fire up his hoopty and pick up Daredevil at the bowlin’ alley. Kingpin be tastin’ tha Letter Opener of Death, wit’ a quickness, yo! Yeah, Herb and the fly Accountz Reeceevin’ bruthas knew how to treat these would-be badasses in Accountz Payabo’. True dat.

  61. sully
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Don’t be fooled by the first panel of today’s Spider-Bore. To prepare for battle, the Useless Spider-Bore is REMOVING his costume. There’s a re-run of Matlock on TV.

  62. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark, be sure to check under the car. You did park close enough to the lake, didn’t you?

    BB:

    Um…..

    No. Just, no.

  63. TheDiva
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    EC: Said the woman who gets her ideas for kinky bedroom play from a re-hashed Twilight fanfiction.

    MW: Dare I hope this ends with Crotchety Old Lady taking a swipe at Mary with her cane?

    Pluggers are depressingly poor and cheap.

    SM: In today’s thrilling installment of Spider-Man, the heroes talk about doing something! Meanwhile, the villain also talks about doing something! Something is bound to happen! Soon. Aaaaaaaany day now….

  64. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#5):

    Was I supposed to start giggling as soon as I saw that grumpy grandma face?

    I hope so, because that was exactly my reaction.

    And to me, she seems a bit more aging Charlie Sheen than Christopher Walken. “Winning? I’ll win with this cane, goddammit.”

  65. ReFlex76
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Luann: The long-awaited sexting finally comes!

    Of course, the Tiffellatio Crowd will blame this on Karen Evans’s “bad writing”; yes, Karen Evans, she’s doing a lot of co-writing for Luann now. Certainly takes care of the “Greg Evans doesn’t get teenage girls” meme (hint: Karen was a teenage girl herself not too long ago!).

  66. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#57): So…she’ll really do anything for cookies, huh?

    Creatures of Pure Art are cheap dates!

  67. ReFlex76
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#32): Now, now; calling Tiffany insane is going a tad too far.

  68. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#45): That first pup looks a little like my Lolly!

    Snow day today–and so far, it’s a snow day with no shoveling! Yay! (But it’s also a snow day that will need to be devoted to grading papers. Boo.)

  69. Nekrotzar
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Yesterday I was reading the comment section of a New York Times article, and a woman had posted a horrible, horrible story about how her daughter had become addicted to a prescription medication, tried to get off, went into withdrawal, and committed suicide.

    And I had to restrain myself from posting: “That’s terrible. How was the soup?”

  70. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @ReFlex76 (#65): Karen Evans, she’s doing a lot of co-writing for Luann now.

    Ah, so Luann is well on it’s way to being a continuing legacy zombie like Walker-Browne industries productions, Family Circus, etc.

    I wonder when McEldowney’s daughter will realize that her “career” in puppetry is going absolutely nowhere and get involved in taking over 9CL/Pibgorn.

  71. Nekrotzar
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Sgt Saunders (#60):

    H-Dog RIP.

  72. S. Stout
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @ReFlex76 (#65):

    At least Evans could be somewhat excused for notunderstanding teenage girls. Karen…not so much. Harder to defend these bad stories when they aren’t just the mad ravings of one man.

  73. Ratiocinator
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action (#13): It was before my time, but did Telly Savalas shave his head before it was cool/cooler-than-being-bald-on-top-and-having-hair-on-the-sides-and-in-back?

    Also, it’s funny that the forgettable 007 from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was mentioned by @Liam (#6), since Savalas played the villain in that movie.

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#43): Been meaning to ask: what does it mean when there’s an asterisk in one of your comments? Because normally when I see one of those I think “Oh, I’ll scroll down and look for the corresponding asterisk with the note,” but there’s never any other asterisk.

  74. Leonard
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth needs to check up on their neighbors in apartment… 3 G

  75. Illustrator Steve
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    MT – Check your area for sink holes, Mark. It’s not difficult to imagine Rusty wandering right into one while wandering off to God only knows where in search of more arrowheads. If that doesn’t pan out, try looking for an odd shaped van with little clouds coming from behind it’s wheels with no passenger side doors with the name ROD BASSY written in one foot tall letters on both sides. Rusty will be the one tied up inside with the frozen bass shoved in his mouth right next to the pile of SCUBA gear. And if THAT doesn’t pan out….call Ranger Tom Martin to look for the little snoop.

  76. Bill Peschel
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @Sgt Saunders (#60): Ah, that classic series from The Onion. One of their best.

  77. bunivasal
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Do you guys ever think that maybe Greg or Even or Kendoll McSameface isn’t playing James Bond, super spy? Maybe he’s playing, like, James Bond, Lower East Side bail bondsman.

  78. Pozzo
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    I’m not really sure that “Mean-Faced Old Lady” is actually a woman. I strongly suspect that it’s the late character actor John Marley. I’m really looking forward to him/her waking up with a horse’s head in his/her bed. Though this being “Mary Worth,” it will probably be the head of an inflatable horse from a Charterstone pool party.

  79. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#73): Been meaning to ask: what does it mean when there’s an asterisk in one of your comments?

    Put your mouse pointer over the asterisk for a moment… [*]

  80. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Agnes: Is self-depreciation what used to be called self-abuse?

  81. Ian Beste
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#73): Telly’s dome was chrome way back to the 60s. Check out cult fave Kelly’s Heroes.

    As for the asterisk, hover your cursor over it and you should be able to read a box of alt-text.

  82. Ian Beste
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#79): Aww, you beat me to it.

  83. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Funky’s Crappy Pizzeria — “Funky secretly replaced Skunkhead John’s regular pepperoni with Pup-Peroni® Original Beef Flavor dog snacks. Let’s see if he notices.”

  84. Ted
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth may be getting Interesting. I think the nice young lady has her elderly cross dressing Father riding shotgun.

  85. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Edge City: Bwahaha — everything is proceeding as I have forseen!

    The Better Half
    Edge City
    Hazel

  86. TheDiva
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    9CL: Today’s McEldowney-to-Human Translation:
    Edda: Why is Vet Lady hugging you?
    Juliette: Why are you in that awful dress? You actually wore that thing in public?
    Edda: Yes I did! I’m sure I have my reasons, but we don’t have enough panels remaining to explain them in our customary, pretentiously verbose manner, so I’ll just settle for the long-overdue payoff of the cookie joke.

    A3G: Among the many things glossed over in the current Apartment 3-G arc is the approach of Armageddon.

    C’shaft: Don’t give him that look, Cranky. You’re just upset that you didn’t come up with that miserable bit of wordplay yourself.

    FW: This must be Batiuk’s gag-dump week. Emphasis on the “dump.”

    Luann: Tiffany sends Quill racy texts, which he decides to post all over the Internet because she’s evil and she deserves it. Tiffany’s life is ruined, she’s humiliated and ends up committing suicide. Everybody has a good laugh at her expense.

    MT: “Yes, I finally got rid of the little bastard!”

    Pibgorn: I’d say pick a plot and stay with it, but none of these are very good or compelling so why bother?

  87. Ratiocinator
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#79): Oooo! That IS great! Thanks! :D

  88. gleeb
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: That feeling is called “foreboding”, Ed. And in your case it means you just realized you could easily be replaced with Carl Gutman, irritable tree surgeon.

    ‘bean: A translation for the ‘bean-impaired: “Say, John, do you want to at least make a pretense of trying to stave off clogged arteries and heart disease?”
    “No, way, Funky. I welcome the cold embrace of death!”
    Batiuk can’t give us more of Owen the Idiot and his fungoid growth Cody today because they’re currently tied up in the back room of the Komix Korner where Crazy Harry is doing unspeakable things to them with Jungle Jim toppers..

    Between Fiends: Yep, online communication is nothing but folks noting when stuff sucks. Like a comic that spends weeks on a story about an online luggage review, or multiple instances of coffee-ordering related anxiety.

    Dick: “…and that one commenter on the internet suspects it’s a drawn-out story because the creators of the comic haven’t decided where to go with it yet.”

    Thorp: Who the hell is Cyndi Canty? Isn’t this Mia’s season?

  89. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Also: goes without saying, but Arlo and Janis did it better.

  90. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    S-M: The Kingpin must pay for his crimes… and he’ll put them on his store card from Office Max.

    EC: I am nine hundred shades of don’t wanna know.

  91. But What Do I Know?
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @Sgt Saunders (#60): Bravo for the Onion reference!

    GT — Playdown alert!!

    JP — You’ve got such a nice smile–and you’re “friends” with my daughter? Why don’t you slip into this robe and let me show all the special features of the guest house. . . A fellow can dream, can’t he?

  92. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    MT: The Mark Trail™ poseable action figure has a kung fu pinch grip and arms that can rotate about 90 degrees. You can make him say anything, even, “Those were fun interviews with the fishing tournament contestants!”

    Ziggy: That’s not even Ziggy’s snap trap. The racist mice don’t want any rats moving into their “ethnically pure” neighborhood.

    FW: Hey Bad Toupee John! As jokes go, that isn’t one. Try again.

    9CL: Edda is willing to wear eye-searing polymer outfits if doing so will annoy her mother. So she does have some redeeming qualities.

    BSt: For some reason I’m thinking of a rendition of the Village People’s “YMCA” where each verse starts with the phrase “no longer young man.”

    JP: Thalia likes to smile serenely as she tells the kids that the needle will only give them searing pain for a couple of days. Sometimes she giggles too.

    GA: Conducting an interspecies wedding. Conducting a wedding when you know the groom is only getting married for money. This is a one way ticket to defrocking. At least if you’re a real clergyman and not just a guy renting a costume.

    BB: Ick. All in favor of getting back to the relatively wholesome Sarge/Beetle relationship say “aye.”

    DT: “Help me out, Chief. Sparkle’s making me sleep on the couch and my balls are bluer than your shirt.”

    Phantom: For a lion, I’m pretty sure an Easter ham is a snack, not a meal.

    DtM: Mrs. Wilson thinks he’s just making up excuses.

    OBH: Lisbeth Salander has sought out more sedate employment, it would seem.

    A3G: “I have an agency to run. Or a gallery. Or a party planning business. Actually it might be a bicycle importer this week. Anyway, it’s totally important.”

  93. Chip
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    I wasn’t aware the Chron shut down their comics site. That’s because I had problems with the site a while back. Now I use Seattle Post-Intelligencer-

    http://www.seattlepi.com/comics-and-games/fun/

    It free, and has Sundays too! Find the favorites button and you can set up any from the list on the right (except for Dilbert- he won’t appear in the rotation.) I also use GoComics via yahoo for the others I like that aren’t on the first page.

  94. Sequitur
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#85): DIABOLICAL!

    But in a good way.

  95. TheDiva
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @ReFlex76 (#65): So instead of Greg Evans not getting over the cheerleader that dumped him, it’s Karen Evans not getting over the cheerleader who was bitchy to her. Good to know.

  96. DAS
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Yeah, I too thought that was a man — possibly the lady driving is the trophy wife of that man. And their will be a love triangle between the trophy wife, the divorced soup lover and the dour gentleman. But that would be way too interesting for MW. So, yeah, the d00d’s probably a lady. Who will be MW’s rival in biddying until Mary obliterates her. Kind of like in Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law, when Mentok meets his rival.

    As for MW jumping the shark — wasn’t that the whole Aldo Kelrast storyline? I’ve figured everything after that in MW has been meta/ironic and meant for the consumption of people like us.

  97. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    It’s too bad Plugger Bear doesn’t know that he’s been placed under Edge City on this site. “Looks like I need to replace this one. It’s balder than Abby Ardin’s freshly shaved snapper.”

  98. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#89): It usually does.

  99. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

  100. Alter Ego
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    love is… sexing up the Teletubbies.

  101. Gary
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Proves how stupid I am. I thought the “punchline” in Pluggers today would be something like “Pluggers haven’t watched television since 1978″

  102. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    Ha ha, Antonin Scalia is a plugger!

  103. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#85): I was going to credit you with Heathcliff as well, but searching through the archives I see that Josh added that one on his lonesome.

  104. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    not going to be spoilering or anything, but the past week or so of OotS?

    holy heck!

  105. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#103):

    I may be bad, but I’m not a monster.

  106. billman
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#57):

    RMMD: I snark at this strip when I can, but truthfully I actually like it a lot of the time. If the moral of this story turns out to be “getting rich is easy if you just try”, though, I won’t like it very much any more.

    Oh, It’s much worse than that. The moral is you don’t even have to try. If you’re Rex and family, money just falls into your lap.

  107. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#70): So she’s going to trade in a career in puppetry for a career in sock-puppetry?

  108. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Bizarro — Damn. Why can’t I come up with a good “pulled pork” joke when I need it?

    Beetle Bailey — Lt. Fuzz’s weird foot fetish has gotten totally out of control. It’s time for him to seek professional help… from trained therapist “Abby Normal” over in Edge City.

    “Heeeeyyy, Abbott! Today is my 107th birthday!”
    “Don’t bother me, Lou — I’m too busy being DEAD!”

  109. Illustrator Steve
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    MT – “HELLO, Rod? Yeah, Catfish here. I just wanted you to know I picked up that freah bait you wanted for tomorrow’s tournament!”

  110. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#73): Close your eyes, hold your cursor over the asterisk, and get a big surprise! [*]

  111. Illustrator Steve
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    MT – “HELLO, Rod? Yeah, Catfish here. I just wanted to let you know I picked up that live bait for you to use at the tournament tomorrow!”

  112. RDS
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Aunt May is moving into 3E, and she isn’t happy about it.

  113. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#41): And they liked it that way!

  114. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#57): Maybe Odie landed on the purple monkey from the Superfriends?

  115. Lenoxus
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Jack Scat (#34): Agreed. I mean, the characters are “really” rural white American humans in the same sense that Shoe’s bird-people are much more people than bird. But yeah, in another sense, Plugger diversity is the fact that most Pluggers are their species’ sole representative.

  116. Sgt Saunders
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    So with Ted King assistant directin’ in tha righteous Accounts Reeceevin’ these days, if Kingpin be comin’ round bustin’ up tha mad A.R. swag … same result.

  117. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    MW: Wow, poor Helen Clark has come to a sad end, hasn’t she?

  118. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#109 & 111):

    Is the bait “freah”? Or is it “live”? Make up your mind, man!

  119. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#3): Wha wha whaaaa?

    @pugfuggly (#11): on Spiderman: Oh ha ha HA!

    @pugfuggly (#26) on Mark Trail: Look under the couch cushions. Whenever I lose something, it’s always there.

    @Marc (#32) on Luann: Why is Quill “pissing his time away with this insane bitch?” He’s heard the phrase, “Don’t stick your dick in the crazy.”

  120. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#104):

    OOTS – Even before the thumb injury, it seems like we have been told that the strip is winding toward its climax for years now without actually seeing any progress. Still, it is shocking (and sad!) to have this kind of stuff going on involving the major characters. Of course, in the AD&D universe, nothing is irreversible, but this feels much more final that the few weeks that Roy was dead during a previous installment.

  121. Francis Hobbs
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

  122. Government Cheese
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    MW: So the old lady from American Gothic is moving into Charterstone? I’m sure she liberally supply advice to Mary on how to shove it and proceed to wack Toby with her cane.

    Luann: Huh. So I guess in the Evansverse, no women exist in Australia, as it’s a male-only colony? That explains why he expends any effort on this low-rent Lindsay Lohan.

  123. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#69): I am going to hell for laughing at your comment. I hope the handbasket ride down is comfy.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#83): Ha ha and ewww.

    @TheDiva (#86) on Luann: I disagree. Like a blonde bimbo she’s modeled her life on, Tiffany will parlay the sexting scripts into a life of fame and fortune.

    @Illustrator Steve (#109): Rusty as bait? What’re they fishing for, turkey vultures?

  124. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#120): I’m assuming OOTS doesn’t mean “Orchestra of the Swan” or “Office of Traffic and Safety.” Is it animal, mineral or vegetable?

  125. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Joke’s on you, FFF (Fat Funky’s Friend): everywhere outside North America and England, “pepperoni pizza” is one that has one or two long pepperoncinis. Ha ha!

  126. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#124):

    It’s Over the Hedge with many of the words misspelled.

  127. Comrade Denny
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#117): Helen’ll be all right once she figures how to ferment Mary’s salmon squares.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#117) Redux: Mary Worth vs. Helen Clark would be a truly excellent story — I’m imagining Helen as an anti-Mary, a drunken and malevolent meddler who encourages people to make bad decisions for her own amusement, and even though Mary will win in the end, as she must, the climactic They Live!-style fight scene at a pool party would be worth the price of admission.

  128. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#125):

    … “pepperoni pizza” is one that has one or two long pepperoncinis.

    In Japan, it means “extra corn.” Of course, everything does.

  129. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#125):

    Order of the Stick, a long-running webcomic using stick figures set in an AD&D world: http://www.giantitp.com/

  130. Ron Hogan
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    I’m putting in my (probably futile) vote for Mary joining her new neighbors in a run-through of “The Killing of Sister George.”

  131. Horace Broon
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    DT: Oh yeah, the Moon Maid storyline! Are Staton and Curtis trying for authenticity by only running it on certain phases of the moon?

    FW: Personally, I prefer pizza to have a bit of tomato, but to each his own.

    Phantom: Wait, so this lioness is smart enough to recognise Walker, and identify that he did something to help her (removing an invisible fence transmitter is not as direct and obvious as the classic “thorn in the paw”, and she was unconcious anyway) but is nevertheless dumb enough to get caught in the same trap twice?

  132. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#26):

    Well, he’s not in the car…maybe he’s in the lodge…

    Oh, Rusty is in the lodge all right. The Black Lodge, and that chewing gum you like is going to come back in style.

  133. The Ridger
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#23): I’m not sure about silver bullets and vampires–I think that’s for werewolves. Remember in Love at First Bite when Richard Benjamin’s character whipped out a gun to shoot George Hamilton’s vampire? “The second way to kill a vampire, Count; three silver bullets through the heart!” No, Rosenberg, that is a werewolf.” “A werewolf? Really? Are you sure?” he says as the guards drag him out.

  134. The Ridger
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @Alice (#35): Well, it’s summer in Australia. He could be on vacation…

  135. Calico
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#17):
    More metal cane, mule!

  136. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Alice (#35): Quill is on house arrest.

  137. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#128): In Japan you never know exactly what’ll be on your pizza. Never. Except corn.

  138. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#119): “Don’t stick your dick in the crazy.”

    For every guy who has heeded that warning, there are about a 100 guys who’ve decided to go with “Crazy chicks are crazy in the sack!”

  139. Ratiocinator
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @billman (#106):

    Oh, It’s much worse than that. The moral is you don’t even have to try. If you’re Rex and family, money just falls into your lap.

    Perhaps strangely, I find that easier to deal with.

    Like if a rich person in real life were to say “I got rich because I worked hard for it! If somebody isn’t rich or at least self-sufficient, then it’s only because they’ve never made an effort to be, like I did!” I would think “Fuck you, you smug shit.”

    But if a rich person in real life were to say “I got rich because I won the lottery. It was just dumb luck,” I would think “Damn lucky bastard. Still, if I won the lottery I’d hang onto the money and live like a king too, so I can’t really hate him for it.”

    And from what I’ve seen, having gone on an archive binge here and read all the posts going back to 2006 or so before I became started leaving comments, the characters in the Wilson strips just seem to keep on getting lucky breaks, so while I might be jealous I can’t hate them for it. If they acted like those lucky breaks made them better than everybody else, or if they were total dicks, then I might hate them for those reasons, but usually they don’t act like that. (Two exceptions I can think of off the top of my head being Sophie once straight up telling another girl she was planning to steal her boyfriend, and Neddy being really nasty to a guy she was seeing after her first return trip to the States.)

  140. Will
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m hoping for an epic battle between Mary and her evil-universe counterpart here.

    Dilbert: Is it just me, or has the Pointy-haired Boss gotten a lot smarter lately?

  141. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    MW-And now arriving in the second is Tom Harpman’s love interest and her racist grandmother.

  142. Missal
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    MW: Who cares about the women in Apartment 3E? What if Mary Worth starts nosing around the women in APARTMENT 3G? Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

  143. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#138): And one or two of those guys are left physically unable to stick their dicks anywhere because crazy lady cut them off and fed them to the dog.

  144. Ratiocinator
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#114): It’s one letter off, but close enough I guess. So he retired to the Garfieldverse, and now he’s getting crushed by falling dogs for that questionable decision.

  145. Ratiocinator
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#110): You’re right, I saw something surprising on the inside of my eyelids! Very surprising indeed!

  146. Calico
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#83): He likes it! Hey John!

  147. Ratiocinator
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#119):

    Why is Quill “pissing his time away with this insane bitch?” He’s heard the phrase, “Don’t stick your dick in the crazy.”

    Hasn’t Josh mentioned several times over the years that girls like Margo–i.e., crazy ones–were the kind he was inexplicably drawn to? Or once was?

    I’m sure even he would know well enough to stay far, far, FAR away from Luann, though.

  148. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#145): tracers, man. far out!

  149. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    I am picturing, and hoping for, one of the following in Mary Worth:
    1) Young woman suddenly looks to her right and realizes there’s a gremlin in her passenger seat
    2) Young woman arrives at Charterstone to start a new life under a new name. She arrives alone.

  150. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#73): Take a look at Savalas in 1962′s Birdman of Alcatraz and decide if he didn’t make a good decision to go bald. I think Yul Brynner did it first, though (King and I, 1955, I think – you won’t see him with hair after that).

  151. jim, some guy in iowa
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    hm. seems to be a script mixup between pibgorn and beetle bailey. this may actually be progress

  152. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#78): I think it’s Jacob Marley.

  153. comcis fan
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    If the Edge City storyline continues along the same arc as “A Walk on the Moon,” starring Diane Lane and Liev Schreiber, Abby Ardin soon will be copulating ferociously and often with Viggo Mortensen while Len will remain clueless.

    Spider-Man: Speaking of googling cluelessly, and feeling as unsmart as Spidey, I don’t get the Roy Goujon thing.

  154. Dennis Jimenez
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Plugger integration is American Baptists and Southern Baptists – all in the same pew (provided they are all white)….

  155. terrapin
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    MT: Mark quietly drives back to Lost Forest.

    Cherry “Where’s Rusty?

    Mark “I thought he was with you!”

  156. Little Guy
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Karen Evans? Did I miss the Wachowski Memo?

    Curtis: Laugh all you want, Wilkins, but that fatheaded kid could buy Greg’s “I’m Sorry” gifts ten times over.

    Josh, re ASM: So Tomas Delgato is working undercover for the Kingpin’s Accounting Department?

  157. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

  158. Midtown
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#86): FW: You’re right, a gag dump. No suggestion of any plot or story line any more. Maybe he’s converting this to a gag-a-day type strip. Because I’m gagging every day. *rimshot*

  159. Daniel
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers That caption is exactly what I yelled yesterday!

  160. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @comcis fan (#153):

    It’s French for “King” and “Pin” (or “stud”, about which the less said, the better).

  161. Alan S.
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    I would very much like to buy a keyboard with four spacebars. But only if it comes in non-gnome sizes. Thank you.

  162. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Midtown (#158):

    Funky Winkerbean: Gag, or dump? Make up your mind!

  163. Comrade Denny
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#149): That second possibility is quite chilling, but here’s a third, even more terrifying possibility:

    Young woman and her mother arrive at Charterstone; are perfectly nice; hit it off with Mary; commence 44-week story arc consisting entirely of afternoon tea polite conversation.

  164. comcis fan
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Uncle Lumpy. And to think I placed out of first-semester French.

  165. Anonymous
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#44): The veterinarian was doing an admirable job filling in; she can unhinge her jaw nearly as well as a Burber.

  166. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#157): Well, they’re both as dead as a doornail.

  167. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

  168. Anonymous
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Edge City – Nothing says imagination or sex quite like a blue tie!

    Crankshaft – The old man has already infected the worker with Malaproper Disease. They’ll have to be culled to keep it contained.

    Love Is… no tanlines!

  169. Marc
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Missal (#142): Would Mary be able to have an effect like the Wizard of Oz and meddle Lu Ann a brain, Tommie a personality, and Margo a heart?

  170. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    FC-We have moved beyond Daddy being sick to Daddy being unemployed.

  171. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#125): I’ve never run across the term “Fat Funky’s Friend” before, Baka. Does being a FFF preclude you from being a Friend of Dorothy?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_of_Dorothy

  172. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-At the local homeless shelter mild mannered Peter Parker changes into Spiderman right in front of everyone staying there.

  173. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    MT-”Maybe Rusty has finally run away for good. Now I don’t have to keep coming up with lame excuses not to take him fishing.”

  174. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#163): The horror, the horror. The collateral damage deaths from boredom will be legion.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#171): I’d think you could be both an FOD and FFF, though I doubt you’d want to publicize the latter.

  175. Old-School Shrug
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#y243):

    “You neglected to mention the rest of Rod Bassy’s fisherfolk: Holly Mackerel, Kilgore Trout, Theodore Sturgeon and Red Herring.”

    And their enforcer, William H. Bona, better known as Billy the Squid.

    ///Yeah, I know his real name was William Henry McCarthy, but I couldn’t get a fish joke out of that without re-using “Mackerel.”

  176. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers make references to 70s cop shows and think it’s widely understood.

  177. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Edge City: Yeah, I wouldn’t have thought that EC would be where I’d be reading about S&M power relationships on the family comics page. Beetle Bailey, definitely, but Edge City, I’d have to say I’m surprised.

  178. tb4000
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Josh, you didn’t even need to make a punch line for this one due to the fact that they’re already blatantly saying Pluggers are against anything and anyone unlike themselves. Meaning non-anthro animals are ripe for a lynchin’.

  179. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @billman (#106): Milton is a self-made man! He started with nothing and actually WORKED at earning money! Unlike that left-coast-hippie-liberal Abbey Spencer, or Heather-the-golddigger-heiress. He did… something useful, and got rich. Dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking rich.

    You don’t get that rich from just treating one patient every few years, no sir. You have to do and say things that are business-y. Not even lame business-y things like “improving workflow” and “the MacGruder Contract”. No, you have to use BIG Business Sayings (Big BS for short); like “maximizing stakeholder value”, “refocusing on core competencies” or “current competetive landscape”. You have to work mighty hard to say Big BS things like that.

  180. Poteet
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    MW — Good lord, that passenger looks kinda like the mother of Dumpington Van Lump, a character in an ancient L’il Abner storyline. And what good do these memories do me, I ask myself. I could have used that brain space to try to figure out the stock market.

  181. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#143): Great risks for great rewards!

  182. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    SM: I don’t get the continuity here. Spidey and Daredevil were in costume, now they’re putting their costumes back ON? Or are they taking their costumes off? If that’s true, then why is Spidey getting out of costume. He was supposed to meet Matt Murdoch. If he does that as Peter Parker, wouldn’t that give away his identity?

    Costumes on or off, one thing is for certain. Kingpin is NOT GOING TO PAY A LOT FOR HIS MUFFLER!!

  183. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#180): I could have used that brain space to try to figure out the stock market.

    Then you would still have a head full of useless knowledge, but you would also be broke! I think the comics were the way to go. Unless reading them turned you into a hidebound literalist, of course.

  184. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#165): You know, one might consider an unhingeable jaw a desirable feature in a woman. But then you see the teeth. Good lord, the teeth!

  185. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#170): Looking at Daddy’s swollen face in today’s strip, I’m guessing he has kidney failure. Poor soul.

  186. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m practically salivating to find out more about mean old lady in the car. She’s old enough to derisively call Mary “young little missy!” I’m hoping that she’s a former meddle victim from 53 years ago. “I was dating a boring millionaire and charming man of lesser means. You meddled me into marrying the goof-off! I had two jobs and raised kids while that louse sat on the couch!! What have I got now?? An arthritic knee and a retirement fund in the single digits, that’s what! I’m moving in to make your life A LIVING HELL!”

    Hey, do any of the long time CCers remember the story line where there was a tart 97 year old that was raising Cain about some guy who charged for crappy advice? I’m fuzzy on the details.

  187. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#185): Next week, the Keane Klan crack wise about daddy in a casket, waiting to be buried by the old animal victims of ritualistic killing in worship of a false godpets in the back yard.

  188. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#180): I believe Mrs. Van Lump’s son was the one whose favorite book was “How to Make Lampshades Out of Your Friends.”

  189. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#182): You were evidently not following our little adventures in homoerotica a couple of days ago.

  190. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#187): I think you’ve called this one correctly.

  191. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Re: “Ted King, assistant director of the accounts receivables department, must sheepishly ask IT for a new keyboard!”

    That’s not really an A/R function. Inventory is General Accounting, but maybe replacement of damaged computers would be Procurement Dept.. Given the illicit nature of his industry and the cartoonish nature of his organization, I imagine his “Procurement Process Team” is a group of masked guys in striped shirts – black beret optional.

  192. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#187): Bil will be laid to rest in the mother of all shoe boxes.

    “Say a few words, Dolly.”
    “A few words!”

  193. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#189): I think it would be more erotic if they were in the same room. Unfortunately, Parker cannot abide by a room without a television, and Matt Murdoch is blind. It’s a deal breaker, unfortunately.

  194. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#186):

    Hey, do any of the long time CCers remember the story line where there was a tart 97 year old that was raising Cain about some guy who charged for crappy advice?

    Ella Bird! Gary Dent! Jump right in!

  195. Chad Sexington
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    At first I thought that the surly old woman in today’s Mary Worth was holding a crowbar, and that notion delights me so much that I am going to continue to believe it until I am conclusively proven wrong. The seemingly frail little old lady is actually the muscle for a mid-level regional crime syndicate, and if ol’ Tom Harpman thinks that he can welch on his gambling debts and avoid getting kneecapped IRA style by hiding out in Santa Royale’s most banal apartment complex, well, he’s got another thing coming.

  196. bbofun
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    ASM- Waitaminute- Spidey has a ROOM? He had to web his clothes and bag to the side of a building in Las Vegas, hitchhike/ride on the back of trucks to get to San Francisco, but he can a afford a motel room in SF? Or has he just broken into someone’s house to watch TV?

    MW- The Dowager Countess has arrived.

    9CL- So- did Edda put on this outfit just to annoy her mother? Or is she actually telling, in her usual verbose fashion, the truth- she had just gotten dressed to for a wedding (but had not yet brushed her teeth) when Mom’s call came, and she jumped in a cab, hopped on a train, leaped onto a bus, and jeté’d down the road to the farm without changing?

    RMMD- “Oh, I thought it had to do with him being in the Mafia.” “No, dear, that’s a ‘made man’- that’s who he got the loan from.”

  197. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#193): Maybe they were skyping.

  198. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#23): If a vampire sucked the blood of a werewolf, but while the werewolf was in human form, could he beat up Batman?

  199. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#194): Thank you, Lumpy! I had it all sdrawkcab. I thought it was Ella getting advice from Dent. Yes. It’s all coming back like figments of a dream.

    So Ella and gimp-lady in 3E might hit it off. Or gimp lady might just hit Ella with her cane.

  200. Francis Hobbs
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#182): Kingpin is NOT GOING TO PAY A LOT FOR HIS MUFFLER!!

    Let’s hope the Kingpin remembers to MIDASIZE:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6litmx6–Q

  201. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#198): Well, he could certainly beat up Spiderman.

  202. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#186): Damn! Beaten to the clicks: @Uncle Lumpy (#194).

    @bbofun (#196) on Spiderman: The public bathroom at the Embarcadero BART station is rather spacious and luxurious.

  203. Dale
    March 6th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    At least the PLUGGER didn’t fall for any lesser known brands like Rollerex or TubbyTubes.

  204. commodorejohn
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    I do hope Mean-Faced Old Lady takes a swing or two at Mary with that five-iron.

    Also, note to self: stay as far away from Edge City as humanly possible for the next few months rest of time.

  205. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#191): As long as they don’t have to involve Ted F. in Strategic Sourcing. That’s a whole ‘nuther can-o-worms…

  206. Dale
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    MARY WORTH

    Maybe I wasn’t paying attention when I read that part of Day of the Jackal, but I never understood how the crutch-gun worked until I saw the movie.

  207. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

  208. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

  209. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#184): You know, one might consider an unhingeable jaw a desirable feature in a woman. But then you see the teeth. Good lord, the teeth!

    If you think the teeth in her jaw are bad, wait until you see the rest! I hear that the last guy to try to go down on her had his nose bitten off!

  210. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-E(vil) — “That old woman is a VAMPIRE, I tells you!”

    http://blogs.sfweekly.com/exhibitionist/DarkShadows1.jpg

  211. Greg
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    Yes, well, Spider-Man might be idiotic, juvenile, hackneyed, pointless, insulting, ridiculous, baffling and worthless in every way and kind, but at least we get a peek of Peter Parker’s delicious abs as compensation. Wait, did I say compensation? I meant garbage.

  212. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Karen Evans taking over the writing was a necessity. Greg is spending so much time hanging out in high school parking lots, researching, that he barely has time to do the strip. Plus, he’s really really tired after. Or so I hear. Any way you look at it, the man’s dedication to getting that teen-aged camel-toe just right is inspiring, in its own way.

  213. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

  214. yaoi huntress earth
    March 6th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    9CWL: I ended up taking it more literally that not only did Edda wear that dress, but refused to brush her teeth so her bad taste and bad breath could annoy the great unwashed with her.

    Dustin: I guess the dad was jealous of the cast in 9CWL being the biggest jerks in comicdom.

    Curtis: Speaking of jealous, given how Michelle has succeeded at a young age where Greg’s dancing career failed (which would’ve went out of style in a few years) might have something to do with it?

  215. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (yester#42):
    Ah HA! (For once) I was right!

    The Meddling Finger of Mary Offered Great Guidance That Day!

    Then I winced and it was gone! Like sands through an hour glass that lay broken on a beach during high tide, that day is long gone.

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (yester#52):

    Both links work perfectly for me.

    I tried ‘em all including the last one posted and it still gives me a 404. Why? I don’t know.
    @Fashion Police (yester#58): I just don’t know.
    If the image is there then I don’t know why I’m getting a message saying it is not there.
    It isn’t one of those Life Transforming Images which I must see, like Candid Photos of GoBots Frolicking While Washing Cars. (surely, I’d wish I had not seen photos like that.)

  216. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#210):

    Kind sir, Margo has been called many things, including a blood sucker, but, to call her a “vampire”?

    Oh wait! You are talking about that evil looking, cane wielding challenger to the Throne of Castle Charterstone in the Mary Worth strip!

    On that, we agree!
    Boogah! Boogah Woogah Whew!

  217. Inkwell
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    …Wait, that’s a woman in Mary Worth? I figured it was Nice But Nervous-Looking Lady’s sourpuss hubby, and that she would leave him for a Mary-approved, no-age-difference-here relationship with Tom Harpman.

    Also, Edge City isn’t really funny enough to justify making us think about its big-headed, beak-nosed characters’ sex lives.

  218. Peanut Gallery
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    A3G – “There aren’t many days left.” Does Margo know something we don’t know? Never mind, it’s a beautiful day, so let’s let her enjoy it. And by enjoying it, she means getting back to work.

  219. Morgan Wick
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    And now the real 900th Mary Worth post!

    Given Josh’s penchant for repeatedly pointing out the animal-man populations of the Shoe and Pluggers universes at every opportunity, it’s a bit jarring to see him use “white people” to describe a rather dark-skinned bear-man.

  220. Jeff McM
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    Does ‘goujon’ mean ‘pin’ in French?

  221. Peanut Gallery
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    MT – All of a sudden I feel like I’m reading Little Lulu.

  222. Cleve Barrister
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    SM-Sorry, but is Peter at the Y? Before he had no money and had to hitch a ride

  223. Majicou
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#129): Although a word to the wise: there hasn’t been an actual “Advanced” D&D line for almost 13 years now.

  224. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Donald Duck

    We know Daisy gave Donald the cold shoulder thanks to the helpful arrow pointing at Donald’s shoulder saying “ice.” Because we wouldn’t want people to think she POOPED on his shoulder:

    http://www.creators.com/comics/donald-duck.html

    The perpetual pantslessness of Donald and Daisy does give one pause. It seems rather indecent of these Disney characters to go about nude from the waist down — not to mention UNHYGIENIC. (Mrs. Stoneaxe definitely wouldn’t want a pantless Donald sitting on our living room furniture!)

  225. Midtown
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    MW: While everyone has been distracted by the old woman/man with the cane/crowbar, I’ve been admiring the artistry of the young woman driving. You’ll notice her face is drawn quite nicely, with regular features. (although her head is a bit out of scale to her body) But more shocking is the fact that the face actually shows some emotion. You can tell at a glance that she’s worried and/or nervous. Was this clip art from one of those charts they use to signify “how are you feeling today?”

  226. Gary
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: In unnamed woman carefully clutching the wheel in the 10 and 2 position is really Dawn in glasses and unnamed woman in passenger seat angrily clutching the metal cane she just stole from Marty Crane is Wilbur paying homage to Norman Bates’ mother, then this will immediately vault to #10 on the list of top 10 moments in comics history. Numbers 1-9 are current unoccupied.

  227. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#176): Pluggers make references to 70s cop shows and think it’s widely understood.

    And if this place is representative, they would be right.

    // You didn’t have to look it up either, right?

  228. Alison
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: FANTASY ARC: In the midst of Quill reassuring Luann that she and he are the perfect couple, he looks down and sees a text from Tiffany detailing all the naughty things she wants to do to him. He then looks at his immature, homely-ass girlfriend ranting away on Skype, and makes a decision. “Well, later, Lauren, or whatever your name is,” he says, and shuts off his computer before she can reply. He then texts back Tiffany: “Hey baby. Am rich (live in oceanside mansion) and can send u a plane ticket right away. How soon can u be at airport? Can’t wait.” Quill never speaks to Luann again. Luann spends the rest of the year bitching to Delta and Bernice about Tiffany, while Tiff frolics in Oz with her new boyfriend Quill.

    “Mary Worth”: Let’s see. Younger woman who looks like Dawn, even with the same haircut…a worried expression…looks to be held captive by an angry old woman… Oh my Lord! It’s Jim’s sister Merry! She didn’t drown at all, but washed up on a shore with no memory, was taken in by an angry old lady, who makes Merry drive her around in a car all day. Merry has regained her memory but is afraid to run away because the lady will come after her with her steel cane! (Yeah, I know, I’m sure it’s actually just some random young woman who will fall in love with lonely Tom Harpman. Boo.)

  229. Peanut Gallery
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#80): Self-depreciation is taking a tax deduction every year for the declining value of one’s gradually deteriorating body. Self-deprecation is declaring the obsolescence of the few functions the aforesaid deteriorating body is still able to perform.

  230. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#223):

    Good thing I moved on to playing Gamma World, then!!!

  231. Majicou
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Did Brookins not notice that today’s caption basically declares pluggers to be a bunch of racists? Really?

    Zits: Uh-oh, that phrase. Is Jeremy’s mom breaking up with him?

    Stone Soup: Don’t know if you got the memo, but that’s no longer the main reason nobody wants to check luggage.

    6C: I… what? Is Piccolo showcasing weird new slang terms for boobs?

    RMMD: “What does ‘self-made man’ mean?”
    “Well, let me tell you an educational story by a Mr. Robert Heinlein. It’s called ‘–All You Zombies–’”

  232. Majicou
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#230): Really, they continued what was AD&D under the D&D title and more or less got rid of Basic D&D. Of course, they did recently do the “D&D Essentials” line, which is sort of an introductory game.

    My group and I do Pathfinder rather than D&D these days, anyway.

  233. KreatureFeatures
    March 6th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#11): Your Spiderman comment says it all.

    And Josh, thanks for saving me the next 3 weeks of Mary Worth with your synopsis.

  234. sally
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Did anyone else look at the three panels in Spider-Man and see/hear the “Tonight” montage from “West Side Story”? Or was it just me?

  235. sally
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: The Dog-Man is white? How can you tell?

    MW: To borrow from that awful adaptation of “The Lorax” that my kids inexplicably like even though the book is SO MUCH BETTER: “That’s a lady?” I assumed it was Nervous Woman’s much older Christopher-Walken like husband, and that she and Toby would therefore find much in common.

  236. Mr K Martin
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    BARFIELD: Is “Yawn” a funny sound?

  237. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @sally (#235): Under their fur, they’re all white.

  238. Braniff
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    FC: Not necessarily related to the current story line, but is anyone aware of a campaign to immortalize Bil Keane and his melonheads in a statue in Paradise Valley, AZ, and–get this–to put them on a postage stamp?

    I think this will mark the end of the US Postal Service as we know it.
    Who will want to support their mail service with Family Circus stamps?
    Not Me!!! Nobody!! Ida Know!!

  239. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#160):

    That’s what that means!
    Clever!

    If I had taken a stab at it I would have given him the alternative name of Reggie Peg or something worse.

  240. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @sally (#234): I heard nothing but snapping fingers.

  241. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#227): Not only do I remember Telly Savalas from Kojak, I remember him from the movie Kelly’s Heroes.

  242. demoncat
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    mw talk about fast mary has just spent one day with tom now she is moving on with the new neighbors and one old lady who may finaly be a match for mary

  243. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#228): Luann: Then Tiff realizes that the only reason she wanted Quill was because she needed to one-up that arrogant DeGroot shit. A quick swim across the Pacific later, and she’s back in the USA. Quill was left behind, but in retrospect, he reasons, he got laid. That’s better than most comic characters get, even if it takes them four freakin’ years of waiting and tepid almost-kissing scenes.

  244. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and kudos to Edge City for using technology as part of the joke, but not the joke itself.

    But “obsessive and neurotic Abby Ardin” doesn’t realize that her pink and black jogging pants don’t match her brown sweater.

  245. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    SM: “When Kingpin strikes, I’ll be ready!”

    Which is why you’re getting naked in a sleazy hotel room? Define “ready”.

  246. Comrade Denny
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#167) & @Baka Gaijin (#174):

    Day 1: “Welcome to Charterstone! I brought you pie!” “We like pie!” “Come in! Would you like some tea!” “I would love some tea!” “That is such a nice dress!”

    Day 2: “I brought pie!” “Come in and have some tea!” “Thank you! This is good tea!” “So is this pie!” “Welcome to Charterstone!”

    Day 3: “This is good pie!” “Your tea is quite nice as well! And what a lovely dress!” “Thank you! Have some more tea!”

    Day 13: “Oh my, this pie is tasty!” “Not as tasty as your tea!” “Be careful not to get any on your nice dress!”

    Day 34: “What a nice dress! Be careful not to get any pie on it!” “Or tea!” “Quite right!”

    Day 65: “Yum! This pie is great!” “The tea really complements the flavor!” “But really, your nice dress steals the show!” “Thanks! I made it myself!”

    Day 106: “Are you enjoying your tea!” “Oh, yes! And let me compliment you on your dress!” “I made it myself!” “Really? Are you a seamstress?” “No, but it has been my lifelong dream to be one!”

    Day 157: “How long have you wanted to be a seamstress?” “My whole life!” “I hear Santa Royale Community College has a very good seamstress program!” “As good as this pie?” “Hahaha!”

    Day 218: “Have some pie and tell me about yourselves!” “My lifelong dream is to be a seamstress!” “She made that dress she’s wearing!” “Really? You should check out UC Santra Royale’s Seamster Arts program. It’s very good!” “As good as this pie?” “HAHAHAHAHA!”

    Day 289: “HAHAHAHAHA!!!” “HAHAHAHAHA!” “HAHAHAHAHA!” “Good pie is good!” “HAHAHAHAHA!!!”

  247. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Margo can’t go to London. She has a company to run. With one client. Who is in London.

  248. Jim in Wisc.
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    Cockroach Bailey: This may be the last strip in which I expected to see a foot fetish joke.

    Mark Worth: I guessing that old bat in the third panel carries that cane not for walking, but for hitting people. At least I hope so … and I hope she hits Mary with it. Repeatedly.

    Mary Trail: Fist O’ Justice, deploy!

    Sexy Rexy: The bank will give you a loan to use as seed money for a Ponzi scheme?

    Blandie: I actually laughed at that one. I guess it’s true that even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a awhile.

  249. Hogenmogen
    March 6th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    Daredevil: “Kingpin must PAY for his crimes! And, since he chose ME as his lawyer, I’ll see that he pays. And pays. AND PAYS! Bwa-hahaha!”

    I’m married to a lawyer. They really do laugh like that when they think no one else is listening.

  250. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#246): Day 289 is what we, the readers, will be babbling in our padded cells.

  251. Freakin Hemingwad
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    Just dropped in to ask: Pardon me, have you any Roy Goujon?

  252. Legend of the Arctic
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    Say what you will about Pluggers, but considering that they’re dogs, rabbits kangaroos, and bears who frequently interact and even interbreed, you really can’t question their commitment to diversity.

  253. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#246): AAAAAAHHHH! ZZZZZZZZ. I see a light down a tunnel with deceased relatives standing around. I’m walking toward the light. Light so pretty…

  254. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#245): Define “strikes.” On second thought, please don’t.

    @Comrade Denny (#246): Excellent! And how nice of you to save Karen Moy almost a year’s worth of “writing.”

  255. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#253): No! No! Don’t go into the light! You made it through the cake contest – you’re strong – you can make it through anything!

  256. Lumaca Morente
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#255): Or if not – here, have some soup.

  257. Government Cheese
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#228): In this fantasy arc, Rosa is getting it on with Wormcock Gunther. Meanwhile, the Mr. and Mrs Degroot are having relations fully clothed.

  258. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @Braniff (#238):

    FC: Not necessarily related to the current story line, but is anyone aware of a campaign to immortalize Bil Keane and his melonheads in a statue in Paradise Valley, AZ, and–get this–to put them on a postage stamp?
    I think this will mark the end of the US Postal Service as we know it.

    I think that happened when, in a tribute to April Patterson, the USPS started the 4Evah stamps.
    //It’s just not right! I mean, they’re Canadians! Put it on their own stamps!

  259. Droopy Says
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#133): The silver-bullet and werewolves joke has turned up in a couple of other movies, none as good as Love At First Bite. The real question is, will any of these tricks bring the True Death to Rusty? We could experiment the way Edison did when he looked for a proper filament for light bulbs, but who wants to fail a thousand times before finally ridding humanity of Rusty?

  260. Baka Gaijin
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#256): Soup. Soup gooood. Sharing with man in tuxedo and theatrical mask. Mmmm. White soup.

  261. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#241): Telly Savalas with (some) hair:

    http://www.twilightzonemuseum.com/show/images/5livingdoll.jpg

    It’s a scene from “Living Doll” (an episode of the original Twilight Zone).

    Like a lot of people, I’ve seen Telly in “Kelly’s Heroes” multiple times on Kellyvision Tellyvision television.

  262. Droopy Says
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus: Bil doesn’t have the flu, or a hangover. He’s just dealing with the consequences of living in a slightly more affluent section of Westview.

    ———-

    Circa 1970, there was a British movie called “Doomwatch.” It had to do with a team of scientists who investigated a small island off the English coast. The team discovered that pollution had turned the locals into distorted, incoherent creatures who shambled around their decaying buildings as they lived out their miserable lives. I think we’ve found the source material for “Funky Winkerbean.”

  263. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Braniff (#238): I think this will mark the end of the US Postal Service as we know it. Who will want to support their mail service with Family Circus stamps?
    Not Me!!! Nobody!! Ida Know!!

    The end of the world as we know it will come when people start wearing items of CLOTHING adorned with pictures of the melonheads:

    http://img2.etsystatic.com/000/0/6619185/il_570xN.313983562.jpg

    Probably NSFW!

  264. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    MT-I think they got those last two panels mixed up.

    MW-”I’m not an old woman. I’m a man. My name is Dennis and I’m thirty-six.”

    A3G-”There aren’t many days left. Soon two giant skyscrapers will be built and not long after that planes will be flown into them.”

    A3G 2-”I have an agency I need to shut down and a new exciting career to start.”

    Marvin-And some big people are still like Marvin in other ways.

  265. ralph
    March 6th, 2013 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    9CL: That snake-face is quickly becoming the most annoying thing about this strip to me. It’s kind of like the FW smirk (which seems to account for a good 75% of all FW facial expressions), but harder to ignore. I have mocked fashion all my adult life, but, my Lord, I wouldn’t send a child out trick or treating in that godawful dress. When the cops come looking for the cow, hopefully they will arrest Edda as well, and put her on the next Greyhound. Just in passing, it is a really unusual strip when the older women are way more sexually appealing than the college student type. This would apply to JP also except that obviously, as Lewis Grizzard’s wife once commented, “Those aren’t real.”
    EC: When it comes to sex I believe that it’s a bad idea to do things which you would have a hard time defending to a jury if your co-participant decided to claim that he/she was forced. Taking home strangers from a bar is a bad idea for both sexes, but no one is going to stop doing it. Bondage, however, is a definite no-no.
    MW: My own first reaction was that the female on the left was the realtor, which I then expanded to being a realtor who is pretty sure she just disposed of a property to a serial killer, but in this economy a sale’s a sale, right? The one on the left is surely either a 90 year old man in a Jerry Lee Lewis wig, or the real Melissa scouting around for a new comic strip.
    RM/JP: Yes, and if you go to med/law school and work really really hard, eventually you’ll reach a point where people are forever giving you big checks and boats and other cool stuff.

  266. commodorejohn
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @ralph (#265): When it comes to sex I believe that it’s a bad idea to do things which you would have a hard time defending to a jury if your co-participant decided to claim that he/she was forced.
    Well, presumably the idea is that you only try that kind of stuff with your partner whom you can trust is not going to go crying to a jury if they change their mind in the middle of it. However, given that Edge City is people by neurotic, flighty obsessives who can never make up their damn minds about anything and for whom the decision to eat or not eat “bread products” is a source of agonized soul-searching, it’s probably a bad idea in any case.

  267. Comrade Denny
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#228):

    …younger woman who looks like Dawn…

    …but with blue highlights instead of orange, plus she has a pleasant expression on her face and doesn’t seem at all mopey or petulant. The old woman has black hair with silver streaks instead of silverhair with black streaks, and as we can tell from her scowl and Jack Nicholson eyebrows, she’s a Meanie McMeanersen!

    Clearly, this is Mirror Universe Dawn and Mary, escaped from their home dimension where Charterstone is a wretched hive of infidelity, substance abuse, and bad manners and “Pool Party” signifies drunken group sex at the bottom of the drained, mildewed, pooped-in swimming pool.

  268. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    MW-That’s not a woman. That’s a man in drag.

    Pluggers-Pluggers secretly long for the days when the races were separate.

  269. Poteet
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

  270. Poteet
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#188): HAR! But alas, from what I remember of young Lumpington, he may not have even known what a lampshade was. His sole conversational gambit, as I recall, was “urp.” Except for when he first saw Daisy Mae, when he said something like “urp urp urp.”

  271. ralph
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    MW: Okay, the one on our RIGHT is the one I take to be the realtor. After a fresh look at the one on the left, I still like my first two ideas, but this man/woman could be pretty much anything, as long as that anything was unpleasant. And exactly why would anyone “nice” move into this place? Who could they find to voluntarily associate with?

  272. Joe Btfsplk
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth – My first impression of Panel One was that Mary and what’s-her-name were looking out at the world through an electrified wire fence, and I thought the local authorities had finally done the right and necessary thing about Charterstone. Alas, it was but a momentary illusion.

  273. Poteet
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#262): Per FW, BWAHAHA!

  274. Poteet
    March 6th, 2013 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    MW — I wonder if that facial expression on Cane Woman is her regular everyday look. Trying to approximate it hurts my face. I’m hoping Cane Woman will be featured in some interesting panel in the future so we can have another CC photo contest.

  275. revenge4Aldo
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @Gary (#226): Maybe Wilbur is doing some Mary cosplay for Worthcon 2013? Dawn is dressed as a Judge Parker character.

  276. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#267):

    Charterstone is a wretched hive of infidelity

    When i first read that it looked like “Hive Fidelity”. I thought you were writing about how the sound of a Charterstone garden party as everyone stands around gossiping.

    An incessant buzzing noise.

  277. MWDG
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    MW: First of all I need to report that there was disagreement in the Mary Worth Discussion Group as to whether the car’s (apparently standing) passenger was a woman or a man.

    Perhaps these new neighbors are “lady friends” of Charterstone’s resident internet security Lesbian, Terry Bryson!

    The old hag could be a transgendered playmate for Jeff so that Mary could pursue that councilman she “dated.”

    Please let one of these woman be a serial murderer or something interesting.

  278. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    “Pluggers”

    I gave up on the cartoon before I even read the gagline. “Mechanicsville, Virginia”?

    Then I read the joke after reading comments on it.

    Tire Diversity? That is A Thing? A Thing people would think about and think others would find to be funny?

    Calling a flattened squirrel’s carcass on a bald tire a “toupee”…that I could see Pluggers admitting to be funny.

    But, even then it might only be funny in “Mechanicsville, Virginia”!

    That’s as much brain power as I can devote to it without getting mad at the alternative “humor” of “Tire Diversity”….

    To not dwell on the infuriating insinuation, I have to go other routes, like, If your Diverse Tire needs to repeat a class at the Tire University, it might be a retread!

    argh!
    Argh!

  279. TheDiva
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#120): This latest development does tie in rather neatly with a couple prophetic statements regarding the character in question, so much so that I’m a little surprised I didn’t see something like this coming. Regardless, I hope Burlew won’t go overboard on the abrupt and cruelly ironic tragedy going forward–it’s fine in moderation (and very effective in this case) but after a certain point (we’ll call it the Batiuk line) it just becomes pointlessly self-indulgent and alienating to the audience.

  280. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#268): Hell, there are Pluggers who secretly long for the days when the SPECIES were separate. (Some of the more militant CHICKEN Pluggers have even formed a group called the “Ku Klucks Klan”!)

  281. Droopy Says
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#273): The only flaw in my theory is that with “Doomwatch,” you feel genuine horror and sympathy for the characters, who did their best to survive. With FW, you want to up the dosage and see who drops first.

  282. Willie Loomis
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @MWDG (#277): Please let one of these woman be a serial murderer or something interesting.

    Stony Rockaxe done told you already — that old woman is a VAMPIRE!!!

  283. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @MWDG (#277):

    Please let one of these woman be a serial murderer or something interesting.

    I’m sad to say this, but I think the old woman is a widow, and the young woman driving is her youngest daughter. She is doomed by convention never to marry and must forever care for her mother. Mary will encourage a relationship between her and Tom Harpoon, but will encounter fierce resistance from the old woman. After some Nola Wolverson-style conflict, Mary will prevail by greasing up the old woman with casseroles and salmon squares. Pool party to follow.

  284. Dale
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#241):

    Was KELLY’S HEROES a WWII type movie with 1970′s music coming out of a tank turret, or am I confusioned and thinking of some other POS?

  285. Old Folkie
    March 6th, 2013 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Reminds me of the classic 50s MAD magazine Disney spoof where Mickey shames Donald into putting on his pants.

  286. Majicou
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    A category on tonight’s Jeopardy! was “Comic Strip Characters.” Ah, if only it had been featured in Josh’s game…

  287. Braniff
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    @Legend of the Arctic (#252): So are Richard Scarry’s Busytown stories (Huckle Cat, Lowly Worm, mice, hippos, etc.) and Walt Kelly’s Pogo comic strip. I’ve even wondered if Richard Scarry was influenced by Walt Kelly’s Pogo.

  288. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#283):

    After some Nola Wolverson-style conflict, Mary will prevail by greasing up the old woman with casseroles and salmon squares.

    GAH: vision of Mary liberally applying her trademark SoftFood to Mrs. McScowlyface’s slowly relaxing flesh.

  289. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

  290. Cloudbuster
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#120): It does have a finality to it. Man, if OOTS does like CTRL+ALT+DEL, I’m going to feel really old.

    It’s funny, on the one hand you hate seeing strips like Crock just staggering along zombie-style long after they’ve lost any sense of purpose. On the other hand, you hate to see great strips like Bloom County, The Far Side or Calvin & Hobbes end. But leaving you wanting more is better than leaving you wishing it would go away.

  291. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    Edgy City

    Abby Normal: “I want you to wear this blue tie when you make love to me!”

    Len Normal: “But but but…”

    Abby ((mocking)): “But but but — WHAT?!”

    Len ((hurt)): “You promised you wouldn’t make fun of my st-st-st-stutter!”

    Abby: “I’m a licensed THERAPIST, Lenny. That means I can say whatever the hell I wanna say!”

  292. Shrug, Grumping
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action (#13):

    Your nom reminded me of the sad news today that my local dead tree, the Minneapolis STAR TRIBUNE, has apparently dropped RIP HAYWIRE in favor of RHYMES WITH ORANGE. No advance notice and no explanation in the paper today.

    (Yes, I sent a letter of complaint; no, I don’t think it will do any good.)

  293. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    Hagar the Horrible-Luck Eddie was leading the troops. The troops respect him that much they’ll try to kill him.

  294. Shrug, Shaken, Not Stirred
    March 6th, 2013 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#32):

    “A3G- I have a feeling that this will be both the worst and most under promoted James Bond movie ever.”

    Possible titles:

    BINGO HALL ROYALE
    MOONTICKLER
    GUPPYPUSSY
    THE MAN WITH THE IRON PYRITE GUN
    DIAMONDS ARE ONLY UNTIL THE STADIUM IS CONVERTED FOR FOOTBALL
    FROM RUSSIA WITH SEVERAL RUBLES POSTAGE DUE
    LIVE AND LET LIE AROUND COUGHING UP BLOOD UNTIL I GET BETTER

  295. Shrug, a Pudgy Mint
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#57):

    “So…she’ll really do anything for cookies, huh?”

    The Girl Scouts of New York share their whispered legends of “Easy Edda.”

  296. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Grumping (#292): there’s far worse strips that they could have picked as a replacement. RwO is one of my Top 10% strips, consistently funny and includes some atrocious puns, without being stupid about it like MG&G so frequently does.

    just my 2 soon-to-be-discontinued-small-coins.

  297. Sequitur
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#278): Relax. It’s just a damn comic. Nothing to get upset over. Save your blood pressure for a real crisis.

    Just ask Poteet.

  298. Poteet
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    A3G — I think someone wants the Bond franchise dead.

  299. commodorejohn
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#298): The ghost of Ian Fleming heard about the Heineken product-placement, and decided to put a stop to this nonsense.

  300. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

  301. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#297):
    Oh. It doesn’t rankle me that much. You’re right.

    I’m just disappointed that Mary Worth’s soup delivery didn’t include a bit where the sick guy said,

    “Mary, there is a fly in my soup…and I swear it is shouting “Help Me! My name is Aldoooooo!”

    Just to see the reaction drawn on Mary’s face.

    //now you can see why anything else would bug me.

  302. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Shaken, Not Stirred (#294): On Her Mid-Level Bureaucrat’s Secret Service

  303. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#298):

    The franchise won’t die. Remember Apartment 3G takes place in some sort of past. We have yet to reach a Timothy Dalton Bond Expy.

  304. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#290): Don’t forget Cul de Sac. But one of the many things I love about teh internet is that I can go through the whole CdS journey again, day by day. Joy!

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#296): Agreed about RwO—there are far, far, far worse things ((coughReply Allcough))

  305. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#303): And if Timothy Dalton couldn’t kill it. . . .

  306. Sequitur
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#301): Oh, then carry on.

  307. tallyHO
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    Spider Duh Man

    The Kingpin has officially introduced the closest thing to literacy this strip has ever seen: He wants to ob-literate those swinging, spandex-wearing, aura emitting, missile dodging, young fellows. It is like the reverse of “Moby Dick”:

    “Moby Dick: The Tale Has Turned”.

    //before i began typing, that was genius. just genius.

  308. Liam
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    Edge City-”20 Shades of Blue” is that the cheap knockoff book version of “50 Shades of Grey”?

    Edge City 2-Don’t do an image search. You see things that you’ll wish you could unsee.

  309. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#305): I object, your honor! Timothy Dalton was a breath of fresh air when he came along in ’87. Roger Moore had mostly been coasting, and Dalton took his two Bond films as an opportunity to actually act. The scripts he was given were a little lacking, but he gave them a needed boost.

  310. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2013 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    DR. POSSIBLY
    INTERNATIONAL-SPACE-STATION-RAKER

  311. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Shaken, Not Stirred (#294): “A3G — I have a feeling that this will be both the worst and most under promoted James Bond movie ever.”

    Possible titles (continued):

    DR. MAYBE
    GOLDKNUCKLE
    HELLO OCTOKITTY
    THE SPY WHO LIKED ME
    FOR YOUR PEEPERS ONLY
    DIAMONDS ARE A LONG TIME

  312. Sgt. Stoned
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    MW: There is another possibility: Tom Harpman, serial killer, who enjoys “mean old lady” soup even better than chicken soup, and when the police start to dig up hundreds of mutilated corpses from the Charterstone lawn Toby can say, “He was so quiet. I never suspected.”

    MT: “I wonder where Rusty could be. Hmmmm. Wait a minute, I seem to remember his talking about sneaking into somebody’s van for the past two months. The name was “Cat” something…let me see…Catwoman?…no…Cat Ballou?….no…Top Cat?…no…oh, well, it wiill come to me eventually.”

  313. Sequitur
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#307): Hmm. Maybe you’re pushing too hard.

  314. sally
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Braniff (#287):

    I don’t know Richard Scarry’s influences, but his animals didn’t interbreed, did they? Lowly lived with Huckle’s family but they were all cats, I never thought he was related to them. The various families were all of one animal type, although they got along very well with each other considering that in a non-Busy Busy world, some of them would eat the others.

    The scandalous item I always wondered about was Miss Honey, the elementary school teacher, living in sin with Bruno the ice cream truck driver. They clearly weren’t married but they lived together and shared a room (although, like Mother and Father Cat, they had twin beds.)

  315. Droopy Says
    March 6th, 2013 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#284): There was a circa-1970 movie called “Kelly’s Heroes.” It was a “Dirty Dozen” knock-off. I saw part of it on TV once, and changed the channel when Donald Sutherland appeared (I only watch his stuff when I know he’ll die in the end. Loved the way he got nuked in The Bedford Incident.)

  316. Erich Clapton
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    @ralph (#265): “. . .as Lewis Grizzard’s wife once commented, “Those aren’t real.”” And, most men would say: “And?” or, “Who cares?”

  317. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    March 6th, 2013 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    MW: I thought that old biddie was holding a tire iron, and from the scowl on her face, she means business!

  318. Majicou
    March 7th, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#311):

    SKYSAG
    THE WORLD IS PROBABLY SUFFICIENT
    DIE AROUND 6:30, TIME PERMITTING
    THE LIVING UV LAMPS
    A VIEW TO A MODERATE DRUBBING
    INFINITELY DIVISIBLE, ARBITRARILY SMALL AMOUNT OF SOLACE

  319. Droopy Says
    March 7th, 2013 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    Spiderblah: Is the Kingpin a permanent resident of San Francisco? If so, how did he encounter Spiderblob? Or does his ciminal enterprise have branches in many cities, affording him the luxuy of a staff, private office and laboratory wherever he goes?

    Crock: Just more proof that literal dry humor doesn’t work.

    Funky Winkerstol: Okay, Fat Failure Funky, you can feed Skunkman a double-greasy pizza and bore him with a lecture about strokes with a clear conscience.

    FamilyCircus: Daddy wouldn’t get sick because he’s become immune to the nauseating sight of how melonheads eat.

    Mock Travail: And nobody else at the hotel went into the parking lot and noticed the camera because, um, it’s early in the morning and fishermen love to sleep late, right?

    Phantom: Next week, the two conspirators wonder why they haven’t heard screams and roars from the cage, and then one of them goes to check on the lion. He sees Kit lying on his side and figures the lion devoured the other side. He then sticks the rifle muzzle inside the cage, and Hilarity ensues when Kit grabs it

    Pluggers: Pluggers wouldn’t get condiments stuck in their razors if they would wash the gunk from their snouts before they shaved. Or if they learned to eat with some finesse.

    Phantom: That’s the trouble with continuity. Because the artist has remembered that Phantom broke the office window last month, he’s made it possible for the two conspirators to hear him chat up the lion.

  320. Baka Gaijin
    March 7th, 2013 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#318): Ha ha HA! I could see each of those headlining at the Bijou in the Apartment 3-G neighborhood.

  321. Droopy Says
    March 7th, 2013 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Oh, yeah. I was kidding on my call about what happens in next week’s Phantom. No way would the strip pack that much action into one week. Even one month might be a stretch.

  322. Baka Gaijin
    March 7th, 2013 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    In dating terms, Margo Magee is the anti-Luann deGroot. She’s like silver mercury: hug it tight and it runs away.

    Oooh. Old bitch lady versus Mary Worth? Who’ll win out in the end? Hopefully Beth will go on a psychotic rampage destroying every old biddy she sees.

    Kudos to Ces for finding a way to put humor into an advice-giving strip.

  323. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    March 7th, 2013 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    MT: You know what to do now Mark. Take the film out of Rusty’s camera, bring it to the local drug store, and wait a few days to a week to have it processed so you can get the Black and White prints to see what he found.

  324. Dale
    March 7th, 2013 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#315):

    Kelly’s Heroes

    Sutherland was the guy in the tank with the music.
    The crew delivered a baby. Apparently, tank dining room tables don’t come with stirrups, so they used belts of machine gun ammo.

  325. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2013 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    Mark Trailhttp://www.takemefishing.org has a special page, “Fish with Your Kids” — I bet Rusty’s a charter member!

  326. Droopy Says
    March 7th, 2013 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#324): There was a baby-delivery scene like that in The Big Red One, although it took place inside a wrecked German tank. (It’s a better film than “Kelly’s Heroes.” Among other things, it doesn’t include Donald Sutherland.)

  327. Elk Meadow
    March 7th, 2013 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    FW: Oh crap. Thursday’s Funky Winkerbean is up, and Comic Book guy (who should have a big butt crack in panel one, but doesn’t), breaks the fourth wall with a giant, full panel solo face smirk.

    I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

  328. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 7th, 2013 at 3:00 am [Reply]

    9CL: This suggests that Edda actually has friends who are not sycophants or thralls. Yeah, right.

  329. Liam
    March 7th, 2013 at 5:17 am [Reply]

    MW-”I hope they’re nice” by which Mary means someone easily susceptible to her meddling.

    A3G-”I fear there aren’t many days left before I must mate with you and devour you, Greg.”

  330. Vanya
    March 7th, 2013 at 5:56 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#54): Just more proof that in Brooke’s mind it’s always 1946. He probably thinks Edda took the New York, New Haven and Hartford train up to Springfield, then changed to the Boston & Maine to Peterborough, and thence by hired car, probably a Packard to get to her mother’s house. I assume the Burbers live near an insufferably quaint and wealthy artist/academic retreat like Peterborough or Hannover and not, God forbid, in some working class hole like Franklin or Tilton.

  331. Oregonian
    March 7th, 2013 at 6:43 am [Reply]

    @Toms On Sale (#331): SPAM alert.

  332. gleeb
    March 7th, 2013 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: A poor diet? That’s your height on consciencelessness? Try killing Crazy Harry. You know he needs killing, and you may be the only man in town free enough to do it.

    Dick: The mayor’s been preoccupied because you let a personal friend and campaign supporter get killed by a kid with a softball.

    Bunny Hoest’s No Exit: After messing up a few dosages, Leroy has actually built up an immunity to the arsenic.

    Mary: Actually, I think she’s doing fine at browbeating her daughter by herself.

    Ziggy: Rawhide isn’t a vegetable either, Zig.

  333. ralph
    March 7th, 2013 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    @Erich Clapton (#316):
    Someone got the reference. That is exactly what Lewis responded: “Don’t women know we don’t care?” (About whether “they” are real.)

  334. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2013 at 7:16 am [Reply]

    QC: I am too old to ever get used to the famous DJ thing. Yeah, famous DJs go all the way back to Wolfman Jack, but in the day, they were famous for their personalities, not the idea that they somehow played other peoples’ recordings better. So weird.

  335. Little Guy
    March 7th, 2013 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    9CL: When in doubt, always go with the unspeakable daily searches.

  336. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2013 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#335):

    QC: I am too old to ever get used to the famous DJ thing. Yeah, famous DJs go all the way back to Wolfman Jack, but in the day, they were famous for their personalities, not the idea that they somehow played other peoples’ recordings better. So weird.

    I’m with you. But maybe a good analogy would be race car drivers, who are famous for driving other people’s cars better than the owners or manufacturers.

    // Wouldn’t it be fun to have a motorcycle race, say, in which the presidents of Honda, Harley Davidson, Kawasaki, BMW etc. etc. had to race their products against each other? — Well, maybe just once.

  337. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    @ralph (#334): I don’t think that’s true. Speaking for myself, I’ll look, of course, but I favor unfakeness, in most things, as a general principle. Don’t most people?

  338. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 7th, 2013 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (Y#328):

    At least she is performing as expected and pushing the drama queen antics up to 11. “I was at a wedding, but chose to visit you instead, though it surely condemned me to a life in prison! I wore the dress just to be sure that every single person who saw me would be aware of my plight!”

    @Vanya (#330):

    I can’t imagine her fitting in well in Brookline or Milford. Maybe she could be the one to position the anvil when they set off Hammerheads?

  339. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#337): It’s more like getting all excited about air traffic controllers instead of the pilots!

  340. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#340): No, that’s still not right. Being an air traffic controller takes skill, as does race car driving. What I’m shooting for is this: there’s a reason Julliard doesn’t have a DJ track. Nobody spends decades honing their record-scratching skills. There aren’t seminars done on masterful fade-outs. You don’t hear tips like “roll your index finger as it goes across the ‘play’ button for maximum distribution of pressure across the contacts.” DJs are people with essentially no special skills.

  341. Todd
    March 7th, 2013 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    1. Yesterday’s Beetle Bailey is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in a newspaper.

    2. Lumaca Morente is my favorite alias I’ve ever seen here, and yes, I recognize it.

    3. I realize hardly anyone will read reply #341.

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