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Most universities don’t treat the “perish” part literally

Spider-Man, 3/8/13

Haha, panel one’s Depressed Scientist Guy With Mustache is my new all-time favorite ancillary Newspaper Spider-Man character! “Man, I thought getting off the publish-or-perish treadmill of academia would be better for my working conditions and mental health, but this is terrible. Doesn’t this oaf know you can’t hurry science? And what about my bonus? I was promised bonuses for private sector work!” Meanwhile, one of Kingpin’s lackeys is already ghostwriting Faster! Work Faster!: Leadership Strategies From America’s Most Innovative Supervillain, which will become a #1 best seller at airport bookstores nationwide.

Beetle Bailey, 3/8/13

The Halftracks don’t just live forever locked in an awful, passive-aggressive struggle with each other that neither can win or even enjoy! They also live in their own filth.

169 responses to “Most universities don’t treat the “perish” part literally”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Funky & Skunky — “I too enjoy working without a net, John.” ((pause)) “A HAIR NET.” ((pause)) “By the way, there’s no extra charge for those greasy grey hairs baked into your pizza!” ((smirk smirk))

    …the preceding comedy shit skit has been brought to you by Ptomaine Tony’s Pizza™, the pizza with a Pepto-Bismol center!

  2. WCjobber
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Man, I can’t tell which comics couple hate each other more, The Lockhorns or the Halftracks. Though, at the very least, Mrs. Halftrack only seems to be bothered to be passive aggressive, not openly homicidal. Though, to be honest, it would liven up the strip a bit.

  3. revenge4Aldo
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    ASM More science, mule!

  4. Liam
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Jump Start-The reward is a good idea because whoever returns the bike is obviously the one who stole it therefore they don’t get a rewards.

    A3G-The planes will come and try to shoot us down.

    MT-I’d better get some help after I eat some pancakes and help another friend of mine with a problem. After all this is Rusty and he can wait.

    MW-I’m the resident meddler. I will know all about your personal life whether you want me to or not. I have spies everywhere.

    MW 2-”This is my mother Elinor she looks like you would be if you showed your disdain for the world more than just hiding it behind a Stepford Smile.”

  5. KreatureFeatures
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Do these scientists know that Spiderman is particularly susceptible to the common brick?

  6. revenge4Aldo
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    GT It’s impressive that Tilden was able to do so well with conjoined twins on the team.

  7. Mibbitmaker
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    BBailey: It’s funny because she’s driving him to suicide.

    S-M: (Curly) ngA-A-A-ANH-ANH!!!(/Curly) Don’t bother, panel-face. Just let nature take its course and you’re all set.

    A3G: Look… he has a distinctive face all of a sudden (and, for some reason, a shrinking chin)! Margo, I think he’s serious!

    RMMD: Kid has a future as a Bluth…

    MW: Mary’s evil(er) twin!

    9CL: The strawhypocrite and the smug Burber.

    Crank: Forget cows — THIS lady’s going to cluelessly “save” a tree!

  8. Flying Manatee
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    FAMILY CIRCUS featuring JEFFY: Where’s Billy? He sure has been scarce in recent times. Today, all the kids are making noise…all THREE of them. Maybe Billy is off at college with the brother of Jeremy from Zits. Or maybe Jeffy has finally wrapped up “Operation Fratricide.”

  9. btown
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    BB: The Halftracks are so smitten with their groovy new breakfast table and chairs that they eat their toast directly off the table.

  10. S. Stout
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    S-M:Do we really need top scientists for this? Daredevil can be stopped by ringing a church bell. Spider-Man can be stopped with HDTV.

    Luann: Is Luann ever not an angry, jealous bitch?

  11. Old Folkie
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Then we will jump off the platform in a double suicide!”

    RMMD: How about locking Sarah and Tiffany’s niece in a room together and see who comes out on top…

    Crank: Actually, the sap has been running in this strip for a long time…

  12. Christopher
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Mrs. Halftrack started the conversation by telling her husband, “You’re a general failure” but he had to have the joke explained to him.

  13. RavenHawk
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    ASM: It was nice of Kingpin to give Tom Skerritt a job.

  14. pugfuggly
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    ASM Uh, Kingpin? I think you’re looking for engineers, not scientists. This will become apparent about midway through this morning’s presentation “The use of Bayesian Prediction Models in estimating Arachno-hominid Mortality Rates in Urban Ecosystems”

    BB Wow, you know you’ve reached a comfortable point in your relationship when one scowling look can imply four specific failings. Actually, I think ‘failure as a lover’ is probably on that face too, but the General’s own pride won’t let him see it.

  15. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    ASM: “FASTER! WORK FASTER!”

    “What are your scientists doing, Kingpin?”

    “They’re working slowly! That’s why I’m telling them to work FASTER!”

    9CL: “So I put poison in your cocoa instead. Ah yes, I see you’re convulsing precisely on schedule, and now you’re dead, your corpse stiffening in mid-flail.”

    Also: “Fleurrie”? Is that anybody’s real name?

    BG&SS: Snuffy laughs at the old man’s misery.

    FW: Oh, please let this mean that John is literally doing something like tightrope-walking or trapeze-swinging or something in a circus without a net to catch him, and that he’ll end up like the Graysons.

    Garfield: Apparently Mrs. Feeny is wearing nothing but a leash, out in public. The reason Garfield says it’s sad because it’s just dangling there without anybody holding it; she desperately wants to find a dom, but nobody’s interested.

    Luann: Okay, the good news is that these two aren’t scheming to embarrass Tiffany after all. Even so, Quill, I think today you had it right the first time with “claws”.

    JP: THALIA, YESTERDAY: “I treat the kids, and he treats the water!”

    ABBEY, TODAY: “Is your husband a physician too?”

    She just told you that her husband treated water! Physicians do not treat water! Do you think that “the water” is what they call their patients or something? Why would you think that? How are you so stupid? Stop being so stupid and asking stupid questions, you stupid person!

    RMMD: Ugh. Can we go back to Delores, please? Or can we have Delores show up out of nowhere and yell at Sarah that some people don’t have so much material wealth that they have lots of toys and a great big house, some people have to give lapdances to skeevy strange men to make the rent each month, until one day they find they have breast cancer and have to stop doing that because they end up looking and feeling like shit from the chemo, and then they’ll be totally screwed and thrown out on the street if they can’t rely on their friends making sacrifices to help them out, because while their supernatural baby-sex-sensing ability is a cool party trick it’s not the sort of thing you can parlay into any sort of income source…oh, but I’m sorry, silly me going on about my problems when the real tragedy here is that YOU don’t have an AIRPLANE, yeah, life is so horrible for you isn’t it, you little shit.

  16. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    *sigh*

    an entire raft of float-worthy snark, lost to yesterthread.

    I was distracted by a Tu’i that wanted a piddle. honestly.

  17. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#15): Note to self: remember when copy/pasting comments from Word into here to preview first and see if you forgot to delete any of the comments from the previous day, like that Garfield one, Ratiocinator you dumbass.

  18. Cloudbuster
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    ASM: They’re hard at work on this new invention they call a “gun.”

    A3G: Then we’ll buy one of those “I (heart) NY” coffee mugs they sell at the gift shop up there!

    FW: What’s astounding with Batiuk is how hard he must work to create these elaborate setups for really terrible “jokes” (I have to put jokes in quotation marks; I can tell through contextual interpretation that they are occupying space that would traditionally be occupied by jokes, but I cannot confirm that any sentient creature in the universe finds them funny, which would seem to be a qualifying requirement for something to be considered a joke.)

    JP: Aha, the truth comes out. They work for an NGO. They are almost by definition criminals and scam artists.

    MW: Elinor Kinley. I bet that would make a good name for a song.

    RMMD: Sarah has learned the first rule of rich: There’s no such thing as “rich enough!”

    GT: I’ve only gradually begun following Gil Thorpe. Is this a thing with the strip, that none of their teams ever actually win a championship?

    Luann: Tiffany comes up with a clever way to spend the summer with a boy she likes doing something in the career she hopes to pursue: evil whore. Luann tags along for the ride, wasting her summer on something for which she has no interest or talent (have you heard Hey Boy? I’m a snot?), just to be with a boy: spunky, adorable.

    9CL: Ha ha, that grown man is behaving like a 3-year-old! That’s so funny! Wait, no. It was never funny. (Obviously, I’m not a big Three Stooges fan).

  19. KreatureFeatures
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

  20. debussy fields
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MW– In Panel Two, Elinor Kinley looks an awful lot like Hugh Beaumont.

  21. lorne
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    I’m intrigued by Kingpin’s vast cravat. Does he even try to tie a not in that thing, or does he just tuck a tablecloth into his shirt collar and hold it in place with a big diamond? Or is that just his shirt? Or… dear god… Is that his skin?!

  22. pugfuggly
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    A3G Climbed the Empire State Building? Has Evan managed to confuse Margo with King Kong? Then again: dark hair/fur, aggressive attitude, occasional devourer of man…ok, I’m willing to see this theory through…

    FW “It’s just like a I told my trapeze instructor: nets are for loser!”

    MW Elinor? I thought she died in the church and was buried along with her name?

  23. Dondi\'s Dad
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    ASM: You know, it’s been several years now since the first Austin Powers movie skewered the concept of the evil villain’s unnecessarily slow murder device. “Just shoot him!” And Kingpin needs a lab to destroy Spiderman? Lab puppies would do the job. He’s 20 years too late to parody at this point.

  24. Mikey
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    MW: Jesus, Giella. You forgot to draw the bolts sticking out of Franken-Mary’s neck.

  25. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): Sadly, if Batiuk were to read that he’d probably think it was comedy gold and kick himself for not coming up with it first.

    @revenge4Aldo (#3): You at least deserves a place on the float for that one, my friend.

  26. Little Guy
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    ASM: Kingpin is Dilbert’s Pointy-Head Boss’ Boss with ‘roid rage.

  27. Tophat
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    How did Mrs. Halftrack imply all of those very specific things without just outright saying them? “Well, ANOTHER thing you’re bad at. Just like… all those things that you love in life. Supposedly. Shit I don’t know.”

  28. Daniel
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    I really want to see a chalkboard with a long scientific equation that solves to a picture of Daredevil and Spider-Man with Xs where their eyes should be.

  29. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    If Mary Worth was a Beatles song:

    Ah, look at all the lonely people
    Ah, look at all the lonely people

    Elinor Kinley picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been,
    Lives in a dream
    Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
    Who is it for?

    All the lonely people
    Where do they all come from?
    All the lonely people
    Where do they all belong?

  30. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#15): “She just told you that her husband treated water! Physicians do not treat water!”

    Huh, huh, you mean that guy touting deionodiatomaceous reverse osmosis bottled water on TV isn’t a physician?

  31. Hibbleton
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    MW: [and who the hell are you!?] The woman has good instincts.

    MT: Catfish is certainly dedicated to his craft. I wouldn’t have used half as many ropes tying up that kid.

    A3G: Sorry, Greg. The mile-high club doesn’t count if you’re not in a plane.

  32. CanuckDownSouth
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Dare we hope for a Very Special Story Arc where Sarah learns that you can’t get everything you want? Of course, being Rex & June’s kid, she’ll learn this by being given a castle in France from some nice eccentric rich lady walking down the street, rather than a fleet of airplanes, but still.

    Frazz: not only a poor Pastis imitation, but there’s no way anyone would look at that drawing and call “pita” instead of “eating a burrito” or “holding a rock”. Never mind that Nietsche isn’t the only mustached guy, either

  33. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    FC: “A little piece of quiet.” That’s what Dad called Mom last night. Then he asked her if there was ever one single time she didn’t just lie there like a corpse.

  34. Dono
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    “Hi, I’m Elinor Kinley and this is my mother. My mother. A woman. I mean, obviously! This is totally not my dad in the worst witness protection program screw-up ever.”

  35. Jack Scat
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    By the way the academic treadmill has been ramped up in the last decade. “It is now publish AND perish.”

  36. Jack Scat
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#33):

    That is when Thel smiled to herself and thought about the times when the kids were at school, PJ was napping and the milkman rang the doorbell.

  37. Chareth Cutestory
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Kingpin can devote 99.5% of his current budget to continue researching ways to eliminate Daredevil, then use the remaining funds to hire a low-level street thug to saunter up behind Spider-Man and bash him with a pipe.

  38. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Love is…: Not being too proud

  39. Marc
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    9CL- Fleurrie is a name specially reserved for veterinarians of pure art. Such a name is far above the comprehension of the unwashed beefwits.

    A3G- I assume that to NYC residents, the Empire State Building is a lot like Niagara Falls is to us Western New Yorkers. It’s a huge deal to tourists, and it’s right in your backyard but you don’t go to it that often because you’ve already seen it and can do it any time you want.

    Funky- I don’t know what the joke is but is like to see comic book pedophile fall off of something really high up and then not get caught by a net.

    Luann- Prediction; Luann’s parents won’t pay for Quill’s fancy Hollywood drama camp. Luann throws a hissy fit. Hilarity doesn’t even come close to ensuing.

    Mark Trail- Rusty must be in trouble. Or very forgetful. The little scamp is always losing that camera. Say does anyone else smell pancakes?

    Mary Worth- Of course Mary lives in apartment 1A. Who else could possibly be worthy to live in the very first apartment? All residents and visitors are forced to go by her place. It’s how she is able to round up so many meddles.

    Cranky- Fucking dumbasses. They really can’t tell it’s not a maple tree?

    Family Circus- Has anyone checked to see if Bil still has a pulse?

  40. Bill Peschel
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Gen. Halftrack realizes that his whole life is a fraud. He wears no insignia on his uniform, he has no plate for his bread, and the trash can looks like it was filled by throwing garbage at it. It’s like living in the Matrix if it was powered by a Commodore 64.

  41. Irrischano
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    The fact that “SPIDER-MAN AND DAREDEVIL” was not emphasized in bold indicates that Lee and Lieber are well aware that destroying those two is less of a diabolical threat from a megalomaniac that more of a…thing that could happen. I mean, it probably won’t but um, should we make this closeup of Kingpin any darker? Darker is more intense and more intense is more compelling, right? Aw forget it, there’s a La-Z-Boy calling my name.

  42. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Mark your diaries! The comic strip aquatic fowl not named Donald or Daffy, and who, rightly, shall never be named here, is non-political today, and actually kind of funny.

    // The End is nigh!

  43. pugfuggly
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#18):

    have you heard Hey Boy?

    Oh, sonafa….What’s the word for a song that gets stuck in your head that, unlike an earworm, is not clever, catchy or redeeming in any way? Ear pus? Audiopoop? Or can we just call it a ‘Luann’?

  44. Greg
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: “Giving me a way to destroy Spider-Man and Daredevil!” “No, I get that. But what are the scientists DOING? Working on a new formula for Coca-Cola? A love potion? Invisibility? Dear God, they’re just acting, aren’t they? AREN’T THEY”

  45. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Mutt & Jeff: Slylock Fox would be proud!

  46. bbofun
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#15): RE: 9CL- I googled “Fleurrie” and found that it is a last name, so I suppose it’s possible someone could have it as a first name as well (“Spocket” I’m less sure of). But it also led me to this- http://home.comcast.net/~ccdesan/Chickweed/Chickweed.html an “unofficial” 9CL fan page. It’s interesting to read the views of someone who loves the strip un-ironically. Although it doesn’t appear to have been updated anytime recently- the most up-to-date references are to the “Pibgorn Midsummer Night’s Dream” arc.

  47. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    as seen on the TV ads.

    even True Fable may wish to avoid this goat.

    WANT!! want naow!!

    not sure if for Sequitur or Poteet.

    Haku, the white otter. [*]

    8 week old corgi. ^..^

  48. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

  49. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#43): WARNING: Anyone who reads Friday’s Mary Worth is liable to get “Eleanor Rigby” stuck in their head.

  50. Ned Ryerson
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    FC: Screw you, Dolly, ya little suck-up. C’mon Jeffy, tear off a mind melting lead on that Bender Blaster Jr Shredster. So what if PJ chewed off a couple of your tuners, it’s rock n’ roll baby! Speaking of PJ, come on, make like Ginger Baker and show those skins who’s boss!

  51. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#39):

    9CL- Fleurrie is a name specially reserved for veterinarians of pure art. Such a name is far above the comprehension of the unwashed beefwits.

    My French is rusty as hell, but I know “fleur” is “flower”, so…”flowery”? Is that what it means?

    *Googles*

    Ah, my mistake. It means nothing. It translates to itself.

    @pugfuggly (#43): Just the other week I heard of a study that said if a song gets stuck in your head, then no matter how irritating it is for you to have it stuck there, one some level you actually like it.

    Let your self-loathing of a specific part of yourself commence, as mine did.

  52. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#46): Ah, interesting indeed. After skimming the page I’ll say that I see what the people who say Solange the cat is actually a fun character are talking about.

    Also, a scan of a strip with Edda wearing an outfit somebody would actually conceivably wear IRL instead of that jumper/turtleneck combo! Astonishing!

  53. Liam
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    FC-Daddy will get the piece and quiet of the grave.

  54. Dood
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Watch out, everyone! Kingpin is moving the freakin’ cheese again!

  55. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#51): It means nothing. It translates to itself.

    And, thus, the name is perfectly appropriate for Nine Chickweed Lane!

  56. Comrade Denny
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    MW: Sweet pompadour, Mrs. Kinley. Might we have a Greaser vs. Soc rumble in our future?

  57. Illustrator Steve
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    MT – (Mark): “Hi Rod, hey there, Catfish…say, I found Rusty’s camera in the overgrown bushes in the parking lot. I’m not too conserned though because that drifty kid would forget his head if it weren’t attached! Have you guys seen Rusty around your area?”
    (Catfish): “Humma-humma-humma-humma-hummmma…”
    (Rod Bassy, inventor of the Rod Bassy Killer Lure): “SHUT UP, CATFISH! …No, Mark, we have not seen or heard from Rusty but you know how kids are, he’s most likely gone and got himself TIED UP in some sort of childish foolishness.”
    (Mark) “THANK’S, Rod. I think I will call Doc at the cabin to see if he’s heard from Rusty….HELLO, Doc? Hey Doc, have you seen Rusty?”
    (Doc): “NO! He’s probably outside!”

  58. TL
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    HtH: Viking or not, nobody fucks with Fred the Furrier.

  59. seismic-2
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    9CL: Is the vet’s name actually “Fleur” (like the character in The Forsyte Saga), and “Fleurrie” her nickname? Or was she conceived in a snow flurry? Thank goodness it wasn’t a hailstorm.

    ASM: Dr. Droopy Mustache was so convinced that his path to riches lay in being granted a patent for designing the world’s slowest missile.

    A3G: “Climbed to the top of the Empire State Building”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

  60. bbofun
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    MW- Elinor Kinley/wearing the face she cut off some poor janitor/He was a bore
    Daughter Beth Kinley/She needs some love and attention her mother can’t give/How will she live?
    All the lonely people/For Mary to meddle with
    All the lonely people/Mary will sort them all.

    DT- Is Jumble Jeff the newest character in Dick Tracy?

    JP- Man, look at the doc’s eyes in panel 3! That is the best “shifty eyes” look I’ve seen in comics! If she’s not a grifter, I’ll eat my hat (which, admittedly, is made out of cake, so it wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice on my part).

    RMMD- I, too, am hoping that this is leading up to a “Sarah learns to appreciate her life, and not be a spoiled brat” arc- possibly she’ll have some problems upon learning she’s soon to have a little brother? On the other hand, the idea of Rex and June’s offspring NOT simply assuming that all things should go their way seems- unlikely, somehow.

    Pibgorn- Um- wasn’t this whole “flashback” being told during some sort of “mind-meld” between Pib and the Djinn, not as a story to the mermaid?

    Luann- CALLED IT!

  61. Illustrator Steve
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    MT – (Bluegill): “THANKS for picking me up to give me a ride back to the lake, Mark….say, WHERE is Rusty this morning?”
    (Mark): “Who?”

  62. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#Y264): Bizarro: Well, I think Jerry would give the cat a hotfoot, then scurry out to the kitchen, pick up a skillet larger than himself, and wait around the corner for Tom to run into it.

    GOOD thinking!

  63. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#60):

    JP- Man, look at the doc’s eyes in panel 3! That is the best “shifty eyes” look I’ve seen in comics! If she’s not a grifter, I’ll eat my hat (which, admittedly, is made out of cake, so it wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice on my part).

    By the time the story gets to that point, your cake hat will be long past its expiration date. I would take your hat off now and put it in the freezer, saving it for sometime in November this year (late October at the earliest) when Thalia’s grifting ways are finally exposed.

  64. Illustrator Steve
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MT – As Scoutmaster of the Centerville Lake Scout Troop, Scout Master Rod Bassy along with his assistant, Catfish, spend what seems like the entire the morning working with Rusty on his knot tieing merit badge until the little shit gets it right!

  65. Droopy Says
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    What’s with the Kingpin-flunky exchange? If the henchman works for Kingpin, shouldn’t he know what’s going on? If he’s a stranger, why has Kingpin revealed that he plans to commit a double felony? And can this really be Newspaper Spiderman if the conversation doesn’t include a “!” thought-balloon?

  66. Ian Beste
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Hagar the Horrible Example of A Norseman “Madam, you don’t have to put up such a big stink about it!”

  67. pugfuggly
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#49):

    Elanor Rigby I can live with. Shitty Luann song…..no.

    @Ratiocinator (#51):

    Just the other week I heard of a study that said if a song gets stuck in your head, then no matter how irritating it is for you to have it stuck there, on some level you actually like it.

    How on earth did they manage to figure out that you like a song on an unconscious level? That’s it, I’m conducting my own study.

    Hear that, my team of scientists? FASTER! WORK FASTER!

  68. Liam
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    MW-”I’m Beth Kinley. I feel like I am going to be setup as the love interest for a man who is still reeling from a painful divorce.”

    MT-”Why did you have to bring a tied up underage minor here? You know I have certain problems.”

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    S-M: These scientists are all padding their expense accounts, double billing for the snack budget, making up fake invoices. Kingpin is the most gullible employer in the Bay Area.

    MW: Don Corrado Prizzi is deep in hiding, on the run from the feds and his old Cosa Nostra confederates, and he’s in no mood to be neighborly.

    Ziggy: Ziggy’s way ahead of Rufus in GA. He’s married to several birds, and he didn’t even get any money for it.

    Crock: History goes faster in a desert with perfectly square cliffs.

    BC: At least the anal probe joke is left implicit, this time.

    RMMD: The cameraman valiantly searches for the ideal angle to show Heather’s T&A. If that means making Sarah look (more) like a frightening Bond villain (than usual), so be it.

    HtH: Sadly, unscrupulous furriers like this one were responsible for Europe’s 400-lb dire skunk being hunted to extinction.

    DT: Jumble’s beloved Jeff Knurek gained 60 pounds and grew an organ grinder mustache to play Tracy’s latest foe.

    GT: Now Tilden High goes onto the championship against Rutherford B Hayes Academy, where they hope to finally avenge the fraudulent 1876 election.

    Blondie: Shorter Dean Young: You got me. I don’t know any teenagers and don’t really remember the last time I saw one.

    Luann: Let me know when Tiffany is actually fitted with adamantium claws. If there’s a way for this strip to become interesting…

    Marvin: All week long Tom Armstrong has gone out of his way to show that he can draw babies with the same clothes and hair as his adult characters. Not funny, exactly, but it is the most effort he’s exerted in recent memory.

    A3G: Greg got the idea from the book “100 Romantic Suicide Pacts.”

  70. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#60): Not only did you manage to successfully channel John Lennon and Paul McCartney, there’s a smidge of Tom Lehrer in there, too.

  71. Hibbleton
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#69): RMMD: The cameraman valiantly searches for the ideal angle to show Heather’s T&A. If that means making Sarah look (more) like a frightening Bond villain (than usual), so be it.

    If only the illustrator hadn’t dropped the ball with those baggy slacks.

  72. Illustrator Steve
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    MT – “I caught him coming out of the van, Rod! The kid saw everything!
    (Rod Bassy): “He saw EVERYTHING?!”
    “Yeah, he saw the three fishing poles neatly hung on the inside of the van. He saw the steering wheel and the dashboard and the radio! He even saw that new set of SCUBA gear you hid in your van as a surprise for your sister’s birthday! He also melted all of our ice when he peeked inside our beverage cooler and knocked it over!”
    (Rod Bassy): “That little shit is in BIG trouble now! I spent ten bucks on that ice!”

  73. Horace Broon
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: Judging from her worried look in the final panel, Margo can only think of one reason to go to the top of the Empire State Building … and she’s ready to throw him off first.

    DT: Okay, that’s two strips about the Moon Maid storyline. Now let’s look at a crazy crossword compiler instead!

    HtH: Fun facts about 10th century Norway I never knew number 246: There were skunks the size of bears.

    MW: I love how insanely suspicious Elinor looks in the first panel. “Why would anyone call a maintanance man to help another person? What’s your angle?”

    RMMD: “Do you really think I’ll be rich someday?” “You already are Sarah! Just take a look around!” In most strips, this would be a heartwarming message about true wealth being a loving family or some crap like that. In a Woody Wilson strip, it really is about having insane amounts of money.

  74. TheDiva
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    SM: All this to find out Spider-Man can be taken down with a brick? What a waste of grant money.

  75. Inkwell
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Does anyone else’s brain retreat into the back of their head when they see panel 2 of today’s Funky Winkerbean? It looks Funky died and didn’t get the memo.

  76. Liam
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-”They’re trying to come up with a better way of making meth.”

  77. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

  78. NoahSnark
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Mr. Kingpin? I know you wanted something along the lines of another missile that needs Viagra, but your scientists came up with something a thousand times more effective. They call it a gun.

  79. Majicou
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    A3G: “You’ll see… the ground rushing toward you.”

    H&J: “And you’ll have all the material you need for your comic strips–no writing necessary.”

    // I’m starting to think that Bentley is the P.D.Q. Bach of the funny pages–”His only originality stemmed from his inability to remember how what he was stealing from went.”

  80. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#32):
    You can’t always get what you want,
    You can’t always get what you want,
    You can’t always get what you want,
    But if you’re present sometimes
    You just might find
    You still have an obscene amount.

  81. Gringo
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    panel one’s Depressed Scientist Guy With Mustache

    I think that paper he’d holding is notice that he’s been transferred to Kingpin’s Westview division, and he’s just getting his game face on.

  82. Gringo
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: The Halftracks are just like the Lockhorns, only without the love.

  83. Majicou
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    This week on Dick Tracy, an unvarnished look inside the life of LUBJEM FEJF. If you thought you knew Jumble… think again.

  84. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#69): HtH: Sadly, unscrupulous furriers like this one were responsible for Europe’s 400-lb dire skunk being hunted to extinction.

    So that’s what happened to them!

  85. Dood
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: “Gee, boss, who knew that Spider-Man and Daredevil were susceptible to distillation and titration?”

  86. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    Frazz: That which doesn’t kill us, makes us very ill.

    Shoe: Take that, New Atheists! Christopher Hitchens can’t help you now, can he? // I am impressed with Brookins’ nice landscape drawing. (I’m sure I can put it to better use… now where did I save those Howling Rex and Count Weirdly files?)

    FC: And so, it came to pass that the new supergroup, Penishead Djinn, had to start as a garage band, rather than a living room band.

  87. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#31):

    MT: Catfish is certainly dedicated to his craft. I wouldn’t have used half as many ropes tying up that kid.

    Must be an old navy man. You can take the boy out of Annapolis…

  88. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G: Are you going to jump off the top? Are you going to jump off the top? Are you going to jump off the top now?

    Archie: And how much have they added to the price of this strip since it last ran in 1992?

    9 Chickweed Lane: I can’t even find any decent snark to go with today’s strip. For a guy who has such high standards, Brooke sure has low standards sometimes. This is simply, blandly, unfunny.

    Crock‘s continued march into existential absurdity continues. Hell is other people with weirdly non-specific flag insignia and 90° angles in the desert.

    Dick Tracy: I’m not entirely sure why we keep postponing the Moon Maid story, but a demented side-trip to the Comics Core Demographic household sure sounds nice.

    Judge Parker: True story time. I had a friend who used to write on African politics for an oil industry newsletter. “So you tell people which nation is most easily manipulated into surrendering its oil reserves on the cheap?” I asked him one day. “Oh, that’s easy,” he replied. “That’s Niger.” However he did not, as far as I know, ever warn of the danger of having your eyes poked out while discussing Niger.

    Mark Trail: “I’ve got a feeling he’s in trouble!” is a phrase that deserves to be repeated in the comments here.

    M
    E
    A
    N
    W
    H
    I
    L
    E

    I’m still stuck on the physics of this van, which appears to have an interior cabin space approximately the size of my living room. Gotta say, we have better taste in gimp furniture, though.

    Mary Worth: It sure is swell of the Mary Worth art staff to let the Sally Forth team to fill in while they’re away on vacation.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Who the hell do you think you are, kid? Neddy Parker?

    Shoe: One might imagine what I think of the theology here.

  89. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Slylock: Hey Bats Colon Left-Bracket! Dibs on the bug.

  90. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86): I was more struck by the tacit anti-environmentalism.
    “God may have created the trees and mountains and all the creatures of the land sky and sea, but that doesn’t mean He cares about them.”

  91. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#89): And I mean it! Strongly.

  92. Hogenmogen
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    BB: “Trash can emptier?? I’m a goddamn GENERAL. I have skills to direct troops to surround trash cans and attack with my strategic stategies stratospheric significance! From my command and control headquarters, I can devise and direct bold battlefield blueprints and perfect plans to clear the clutter, destroy the debris and lay that waste to waste! … Ok, I was just waiting for you to pick it up.”

  93. Gringo
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#29): If Mary Worth was a Beatles song:

    Seems more like:

    Everybody’s got something to hide
    ‘Cept for me and my meddle

  94. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#88): MT: So it turns out the Doctor doesn’t have the last TARDIS in the universe.

  95. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#95): Gotta say, if *that’s* Pond, I’m a bit turned off.

  96. Doctor Handsome
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    “Disprove those hypotheses faster, Eugene Levy’s character from A Mighty Wind scientist! When I commission a nonsensical speculative technology, I expect immediate results!”

  97. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#88): Shoe: One might imagine what I think of the theology here.

    Actually, no. But I’m eagerly looking forward to reading your new book, The Gospel According to Shoe, to find out.

    // Why not? Robert Short made Judge Parker-like money of of Peanuts.

  98. TheDiva
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    9CL: Fleurrie. The crusading vet’s name is Fleurrie. Do we need any more proof these are just Mary Sues in search of a fanfiction?

    A3G: Special appearance by George Takai. Oh myyy!

    C’shaft: Isn’t Cranky supposed to be, like, this ultra-obsessive gardener? Shouldn’t he be able to tell the trees apart? (Actually he probably can and has been using his buckeye syrup to troll his family for years.)

    FW: Network with who, exactly? Westview’s large community of fat, creepy comics peddlers with bad hair?

    Luann: Logic according to Luann:
    Tiffany wants to go to drama camp just for the sake of a boy. Tiffany is an evil whore.
    Luann wants to go to drama camp just for the sake of a boy. Luann is a wonderful soul bursting with inner beauty.

    MT: “Who am I kidding, after ten minutes with Rusty they’ll be begging me to take him back.”

    (And that’s all the bad internet connection at my parents will let me do…later all!)

  99. Comrade Denny
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    AS-M: If the Kingpin’s done his opposition research, as any savvy businessman should, then he’ll be developing a device that will scramble Daredevil’s radar sense, as well as Peter Parker’s TV signal. Check and mate.

  100. Hogenmogen
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    A3G: “When was the last time you climbed to the top of the Empire State Building?”

    “Never. I take the elevator. Let King Kong climb it.”

  101. Doctor Handsome
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Failure as a golfer? Ouch. She didn’t even bother mocking his sexual performance, she went straight for the throat.

  102. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerlyknown as Ben (#87): Catfish “[m]ust be an old navy man”.

    Is that where he gets those shirts? I’d have guessed K-Mart.

  103. Dan
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    The Kingpin actually has them building another missile, but unless his team fills the room with microscopes and bubbling flasks, he just turns the finished product over in his hands a couple times and goes, “what is this? I told you I wanted SCIENCE.”

  104. LUJBEM FEJF
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Mr. Tracy to you!- I believe that I have a new favorite comic strip. Get ready to have your world’s rocked Curmudgeons! Oh Boy! This is going to be RAGTE!

  105. Hogenmogen
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    FW: I don’t want to use a “net” ha ha ha! That’s like… advertising, or getting practical tips on running a business! Who knows where that will lead? Higher sales and lower expenses? Who wants that??

  106. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    BB – I’d have to say that Mrs. Halftrack NAILED IT!

  107. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#90): Just think what God could have done, if he only had the money!

  108. Ned Ryerson
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Oh noes, early COTW post equals bifurcated commentary for the rest of the day!

  109. seismic-2
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Crank: “The sap starts running again in a few weeks.” Well, now we know when the next Lisa’s Legacy 5K will be.

  110. Hogenmogen
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Daniel (#28): That sort of reminds me of the scene in Spiderman III where the “scientist” of unspecified subject determines that the alien stuff in Parker’s blood is “aggressive”. We see a microscope shot of the alien cell physically beating up red blood cells.

  111. sully
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Why does Kingpin need a staff of scientist’s? To invent a propulsion system that will move a missile faster than 12 feet per minute?

  112. Freakin Hemingwad
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#43): Great band names! “Playing hits from their album ‘Audiopoop’, give it up for Ear Pus!”

  113. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#109): Curse Fruhlinger and his maddening bifurcations!

  114. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#11):

    RMMD: How about locking Sarah and Tiffany’s niece in a room together and see who comes out on top…

    Shannon in Luann is Toni’s niece, but yeah, that would be a fight worth seeing.

  115. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    Juggs Parker: Neddy’s new friends – Humanitarians or Scam Artists? Discuss.

  116. Freakin Hemingwad
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    ‘RAGTE’ is going to be my new buzzword. Ragte!

  117. Freakin Hemingwad
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#102): If you want ‘going for the throat’ you want today’s Pirhana Club.

  118. Alice
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Luann: Oh, joy. Yet another opportunity for Luann, Tiffany and Quill to play off each other. That’s so much better than coming up with new sources of conflict. Are we sure it’s Evans’s daughter who’s now co-writing the strip? Or is it a version of the AJGLU-3000, customized for endless output of love triangle strips featuring a designated protagonist, designated antagonist, and bland romantic interest?

  119. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @ Mikey #24
    “Franken-Mary”
    BWAHAHAHA!!!

  120. Marc
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#88): I originally read that as you “have better taste in PIMP furniture”.

  121. Lumaca Morente
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#121): Either way is pretty bad for a cleric.

  122. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#122): And here I thought either way was bad for the comic.

  123. Lumaca Morente
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#123): MT? Either way would be an improvement, don’t you think?

  124. Derdrom
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Kingpin won’t stand for “working smarter”. He’s guesting in newspaper Spiderman, so he can’t stand for anything being smarter.

  125. Government Cheese
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Luann: “They support my music and theater talents! They’ll LOVE this!” Yeah, well if you are going to take a 17+ hour flight to the States for “drama” camp (don’t even get me started), wouldn’t you want to go to a prestigious one, perhaps in New York, Chicago, or (GASP) L.A.? Sounds like Quill’s parents are loaded and also somewhat stupid. “No son, I think we are going to send you to London instead for drama camp, they have better foie gras there.”

    There’s also the “King’s Speech Drama Camp” in Australia, taught by Lionel Logue himself. BUT NO, Fogarty’s Drama Camp of Pain and Waffles will suffice, so those two can be together! I’m trying to empathize, but I can’t. Try harder, Evans.

    MW: Ohhh hoo hoo hee hee. Mary Worth’s evil twin emerges, just in time to wack the smugness out of her, with her cane.

  126. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#114): Josh’s sexual orientation is not the issue here.

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#118): The late Harold Blortman wanted his wife to have that money.

  127. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Get a look at that grin in panel 2! Quill is channeling his inner TJ. Tiffany will go the way of Ann Eiffel.

    A3G: OK, ‘mudgeons, here’s a problem worth 30 points:
    A 5′ 6″ object weighing 120 lbs exits the 102nd floor observation deck (1250 ft) of the Empire State Building. What is its terminal velocity and how many seconds until it reaches the ground?
    You may use your slide rules. Please show your work.

  128. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    Trunkshaft: Oh. So buckeye sap is not poisonous. Well, too bad.

  129. RavenHawk
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    ASM: Has Kingpin, & his “brainiacs” never heard of Photoshop? Make a few photos of Daredevil & Spiderman making out with each other, or coming out of a “Twilight” triple-feature. Post them on the internet, & then sit back and watch the feeding frenzy.

    Or he could just go and buy another missle from North Korea. That worked well, the last time. Lousy “egg-heads”.

  130. But What Do I Know?
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    MW — “My name is Mary Worth. I live in Apartment 1A” because of course she does!

    A3G –Margo has never climbed to the top of the Empire State Building. She’s always taken her broom. . .

    FW — If he doesn’t join the Cancertown C of C, are all the middle-aged businessman members going to patronize the rival comic book joints? Funky doesn’t have much leverage here. . .

  131. Gringo
    March 8th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    FW: It’s more likely that, instead of a Chamber of Commerce, Westview has a Chamber of Casualty.

  132. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 8th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#129): Even so, it worked out better for Ed Cranshaft and his family than the time they ate roasted horse chesnuts… that came from a real horse.

    As crappy as that sounds, it could have been worse for Ed and company — a lot worse. The horse-chestnut tree contains significant amounts of a highly toxic poison called esculin. Pam is fortunate her old man’s stupidity didn’t wipe out the whole damn family.

  133. Francis Hobbs
    March 8th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#133): Trunkshaft, Cranshaft — a sap is still a sap!

  134. Casino LF
    March 8th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Okay, wait. Couldn’t they find some OTHER camp where Tiffany is NOT going? There have to be more than arts camps. Jeez. But that wouldn’t be FUN, RIGHT? FOR SOME REASON?

  135. Daniel
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    SM “More zippers, mule!”

  136. Government Cheese
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Casino LF (#135): Hahaha,nope! Everything has to be in the same place. In fact, Quill isn’t in Australia, he lives in a store where the have a beach background for their wallpaper. He’s actually right down the street.

  137. Hogenmogen
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    Luann: A real teen age boy wouldn’t discuss Tiff with Luann. He’d say “yes” to drama camp, but only after he hangs up with Luann. Then he’d subtly suggest to Luann that they could both attend drama camp together. “Oh my gosh Lu! How did Tiffany know that we were going to be here?? What remarkable coincidence!”

  138. Hogenmogen
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#137): Yeah, he’s really son of a tatoo artist from Ohio that has been faking an accent.

  139. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#130): ASM: Has Kingpin, & his “brainiacs” never heard of Photoshop? Make a few photos of Daredevil & Spiderman making out with each other, or coming out of a “Twilight” triple-feature. Post them on the internet, & then sit back and watch the feeding frenzy.

    This story takes place in San Francisco, remember? Two muscular men in tights making out at a “Twilight” marathon would probably end up on city council.

  140. Government Cheese
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#139): You just reminded me, I used to know a guy in college (back in the day) who used to fake accents to hit on women. I was always so shocked at how successful he was, even with the international students.

    The guy (who actually is from Texas – I went to high school with him), spent a semester in Austria. He came back with this Bavarian/Viennese accent and claimed to have been from Austria. Fortunately, for him, I wasn’t in any of his classes the semester he came back. Flash forward one more semester, he and I were in the same class. I had heard some rumors about this Austrian exchange student – but I was able to put one-and-one together and figure out who the charlatan was.

    I walk up to him (as he’s hitting on some girl with that ridiculous accent), and go “hey man, what’s going on?” He responds with this muddled Schwarzenegger accent “AH yes, how are YOU?”

    Me – “Why are you speaking in that ridiculous accent?”
    Him – “uh uhh uhh” (starts sweating from brow) “well I have been out of the country for so long, I forgot how to speak like you!”
    Me – “Fraud.” (I turn to the girl, who was actually French) “He’s actually from Texas, I went to high school with him.”
    Him – (he reverts to his normal accent) “DAMMIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING”

    He became sort of a funny legend after that. I got some nasty voicemails from him, but that was the end of it.

    Note to the college kids – when you fake your accents, make sure you do it in environments where you don’t know anyone!

    -GC

  141. Dale
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#128):

    If the object clears the building and hits the sidewalk, terminal velocity = 0 in several unit systems.

    But, 30 points out of how many? I won’t get out my good slide rule for chump change.

  142. Majicou
    March 8th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Francis Hobbs (#134): “Cranshaft” was Ocean Spray’s worst idea ever.

  143. Uncle Lumpy
    March 8th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Jerry Fox, from Cleveland (#140):

    Two muscular men in tights making out at a “Twilight” marathon would probably end up on city council.

    Those guys are already on the city council (“Board of Supervisors”, a.k.a. “The Supes”).

  144. Lumaca Morente
    March 8th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#138): ..aaaand…that tells us everything we need to know about the teenage Hogenmogen.

  145. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 8th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#141): GC — either you are a woman or the worst friend ever. Either way, I applaud you for getting “DAMMIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING”.

  146. Government Cheese
    March 8th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#146): Hahah, well I have been called a lady a few times, due to my propensity to wear cravats/ascots in business meetings.

    Nah, he and I were friends once, but after he tried to covertly court a girl I was seeing, I decided he was actually just a walking testicle. The Austrian accent and the really elaborate (and fake) back story was a ship that I could not resist sinking.

  147. Peanut Gallery
    March 8th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#105): I’m looking forward to Tricky Cad’s appearance in the the Jumble!

  148. Peanut Gallery
    March 8th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#148): I’m so excited I had to say “the” twice, just for emphasis!

  149. Shrug, the Man of Snark
    March 8th, 2013 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#15):

    “She just told you that her husband treated water! Physicians do not treat water!”

    Well, some do. Doc Savage was (among other things) a genius physician and the best surgeon in the world, and in the RESURRECTION DAY adventure he famously revealed perhaps his greatest water-based invention: his canteen contained “not water, but the chemical parts of water, minus the unneeded ingredients.”

  150. Shrug, Accepting the Gambit
    March 8th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#69):

    “Kingpin is the most gullible employer in the Bay Area.”

    Still, it’s a big break for the scientists. If they screw up this job, they’ll have to go back to working for one of the many Pawnpin labs.

    //Or maybe, if they’re lucky, Rookpin. He’s a boring employee, but he’s a straight-up sort of guy.

  151. Shrug, with a Cake-Eating Grin
    March 8th, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    JP: Abby is confused at the idea of poor Africans having trouble getting clean water. “So why don’t they just drink champagne instead, like normal people?”

  152. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 8th, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#46): The thing is, back around that time, both 9CL and Pibgorn were actually pretty good. Then sometime since then, McE slipped a cog, and both have been getting weirder and more nonsensical and more pervy ever since. So I can’t blame non-ironic fan for deciding to get out while there was still some respect in it.

  153. Morgan Wick
    March 8th, 2013 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t the Kingpin supposed to be a mob boss? What’s he doing with his own team of scientists that he can task to work on disposing of whatever meddling superheroes have come to town lately?

  154. Morgan Wick
    March 8th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Accepting the Gambit (#151): See, this is why Josh should put up the COTW right before a daily post, because I don’t know if any after-the-gun Friday comments like this even have a shot at next week’s COTW.

  155. ralph
    March 8th, 2013 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Fleurrie? In spite of the very short time I’ve been reading this, had the last panel been covered I could have pretty well guessed its content. Yes, actual mature people would have handled it differently. If there were real abuse they would have called the cops. But that would be boring. Do the men in this strip do the snake-face or is that just a woman thing? It definitely appears the men are all dumb, some just have more money and more years in school.
    I will say this for the Vet, she’s about a hundred times sexier than the college girl. I would guess Edda has her particular boy friend because all the other boys in her generation have appraised her and said, that kind of trouble I don’t need.
    I think it would be highly entertaining to bed the vet, and afterward, laying there, not smoking of course, say, Whaddayasay we get dressed and go out for burgers?
    RM: Every living person ever told by someone richer than they, that they are already rich, has had an almost uncontrollable uirge to whack said person with the nearest blunt object. The drawing of the rich blonde is and has been kind of weak, while Sarah seems fine. I don’t know why I’m complaining. I could take any comics page, and just go down the page pointing out much worse drawing,

  156. Libertarian
    March 8th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    General Halftrack is sitting at a cheap 1970s era dinette set eating unbuttered toast without even a plate, and doesn’t have a private around to empty the garbage. The horrors of the Army budget cuts must stop!

  157. Lumaca Morente
    March 8th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Morgan Wick (#155): I know! It makes it feel like we’re wasting our time here – as opposed to what we usually do…

  158. Shrug, Last Mudge to Leave the Bar
    March 8th, 2013 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @Morgan Wick (#155): @Lumaca Morente (#158):

    Ah, but for us Creatures of Pure Art, one’s time is well spent in simply constructing a snark that pleases oneself. Only insecure Beefwits need the reassurance of float rides, awed applause, fame, fortune, and all of that ephemeral trivia.

    ////Well, I thought I could keep a straight face while typing that, but I was wrong.

  159. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 8th, 2013 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#158): I’ve never been deigned clever enough for COTW. And frankly I don’t know what I’d do with it* if that particular honor were conferred upon me. In the meantime:

    And the world will be better for this:
    That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
    Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
    To reach… the unreachable star…

    *I can’t put it on my fireplace mantel — that’s reserved for my kid’s chess trophies!

  160. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 8th, 2013 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#24):

    MW: Jesus, Giella. You forgot to draw the bolts sticking out of Franken-Mary’s neck.

    A mere hump in the road…

    Welcome to Charterstein!

  161. Laughdrjr
    March 8th, 2013 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    Why is there a used condom in the Halftrack’s wastebasket?

  162. ralph
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Fleurrie, originally from Way Hidden Cove, East Tennessee, lives in mortal fear that her cousins, Floozie, Flakey, and Fugit Spocket, will discover her current address while trolling that Internet thingy looking for porn, and come to visit their long lost relative, Florrie.

  163. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, the Man of Snark (#150): Okay, in that case usually they don’t treat water, I’m pretty sure. I know that none of mine ever did that for my drinking water, although maybe it’s just because I never thought to ask.

  164. Arabella
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    Drabble: I think it’s great that Ralph has stopped watching TV (since he can’t figure out the remote) and is improving his mind by reading the classics. Why, first thing you know, he’ll be joining us in commenting on CC. Oh, wait….
    {whisper} when did ralph start commenting?

  165. Sgt. Stoned
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Kingpin has watched “Reefer Madness” way too many times.

    MW: “‘Who might I be?’ I’M MARY WORTH AND I WAS OUT MAKING MY BONES WHILE YOU WERE DATING CHEERLEADERS…or something like that.”

  166. Anonymous
    March 9th, 2013 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    Elinor = Frankenberry

  167. RavenHawk
    March 9th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

  168. anon
    March 9th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: isn’t hideous morbidly obese Kingpin the fat guy on “House”? The one Cameron insisted go through the million dollar MRI machine, and fat guy woke up and broke it?

  169. beyond graduation
    May 1st, 2013 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    I discovered your blog site on google and check a few of your early posts. Continue to keep up the very good operate. I just additional up your RSS feed to my MSN News Reader. Seeking forward to reading more from you later on!…

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