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That orange glop sure does look healthy

Heathcliff, 5/8/13

Heathcliff’s plan to foster a cult of personality among his house’s rodent population seems to be moving along nicely! I enjoy the fact that his owner-lady and owner-son (grandson?) are looking at this enormous cheese-idol with wide-eyed awe, but his owner-man is pissed off. Never mind the theological implications here; dude is just mad that this huge blob of no doubt stinky cheese in occupying space in his living room, where it will presumably get moldy and even more disgusting in short order.

Mary Worth, 5/8/13

Meanwhile, the world’s most awkwardly intense first date proceeds apace! Sure, let’s sit on the same side of the table, that’s not weird at all. Haha, I’ll just blurt out that I love everything you said, even though you clearly phrased the sentence as a counterfactual! I sincerely hope that Beth goes and gets a ukelele, hands it to Tom, and watches him try to act like he knows how to play it.

Slylock, 5/8/13

Tropical rain forests support more than half the world’s species of plants and animals — and according to this cartoon, all those species are terrifying. Pave it now! Replace it with Wal-Marts and strip malls with nail salons and Little Ceasars franchises! IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SAFE.

267 responses to “That orange glop sure does look healthy”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:24 am [Reply]

    You know it’s a sad day when Crankshaft’s title of “Crazy Bus Driver from Ohio” is usurped by some looney with a penchant for kidnapping young girls. However, I’m relieved all three young ladies are now safe at home with their familes.

    And we can thank Batiuk that he didn’t give Eduardo Crankshaft two equally crazy brothers!

  2. Liam
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    MW-”Strumming a ukulele in a boat”? Is there a little man in the boat?

    MW 2-But what about pina coladas and getting caught in the rain? Do you like those too?

    MT-”My rifle was the only thing that I salvaged from the plane. Not a first aid kit. Not a radio. No emergency supplies whatsoever just my rifle.”

    MT 2-”We’ll just come across some campers and steal their food.”

    Sally Forth-And yet none of those friends told you to spill any blood did they?

  3. Anondod
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    Slylock: Yes, terrifying animals, with sharp beaks, huge fangs, or just the ability and willingness to swing from a tree in their own umbilical cord.

  4. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    FW – “I’m looking for someone named Darrin Fairgood! (…and it is about time I found him so that the rest of ‘Lisa’s Story’ can finally be told! …)”

    “Oh, he’s in a meeting right now.”

    “Eh, never mind then. Here is a business card with no contact information. I guess I’ll go check out of the hotel. Pity that I came all this far, only to be blocked like this.”

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have finally found a Super-Villain worth of The Amazing Spider Man! I can’t wait for this plot line, which will feature months of Spidey almost catching his target (and vice versa), only to become distracted or bored at the last second and just wander off.

    9CL – “Silence, thrall, no one gave you permission to speak! Your mistress’s sexual fantasies are for her daughter’s ears only, not for sharing with you!!”

    If they buried Edda’s hand-me-down stripperwear in the middle of a farmer’s field, won’t that polyester and spandex nightmare turn up again in a matter of a few weeks? And possibly the dress as well?

  5. pugfuggly
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff Owner-man is probably just pissed that he’ll have to make a second trip to CostCo to replace his 42 lbs block of cheddar.

    Also: ‘Owner-Man’ sounds like the next villain to be featured in the Amazing Spiderman. His special powers involves telling Spidey to get the hell off his property.

  6. Chareth Cutestory
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: The horror! The horror!

    Slylock: This is the same stripe of question as “why does Goofy wear pants but Pluto doesn’t” but what does it mean that Slylock’s world has an entire piece of the planet where a large majority of inhabitants are poisonous and dumb? Insert joke comparing such place to rival sports team’s town here:

  7. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#2):

    mark also packed a razor – and probably not one of those new fangled electric or double bladed ones, either

  8. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    re: mary worth — the forced ‘ha ha’, the expression of pure needy desperation on tom’s face, *or* the ukelele…. any *one* of those things would have been enough to make the point. this strip is like 9cl for non-beautiful people, or something…

  9. Lorne
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    “Ha ha… I actually do like doing those things!”
    I’m impressed with the amount of pathos and desperation packed into that one brief sentence.

  10. KreatureFeatures
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    MT: Bill the Editor is going to be pissed at how badly Mark has screwed up this “show the big magazine investor a good time” assignment. Also, magic beard!

    MW: My carrot and I would like to strum the ukulele in your boat!

    ASM: It turns out it was all a dream.

    FW: “If it’s good, it’s astounding.” No point in setting the bar too high.

  11. Lorne
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Max the Mouse clearly misses the honky-tonks, Dairy Queens and Seven-Elevens.

  12. Amino Man
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    @ Pugfuggly (#5)
    Hey! Telling people to get off his property is *MY* superpower!

  13. Peter Hillock
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    MT: “I’m feeling feverish… however, I want to get back to Shelley!”

    That ridiculous “however” is either terrible writing, or it’s a clever hint that Wes is really, REALLY insincere. Please let it be the second one!

  14. Old Folkie
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    MW: Tom’s man-eating plant is moving closer to the table – fortunately Beth is growing an extra foot in panel 2 to scare it off.

  15. Mibbitmaker
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    MW:
    “And you know what else I’d like if I were a romance novel character? Lots of hot, steamy sex in detailed description!”
    “Um….uh…. er….. yeah, good thing we’re not romance novel characters, huh?! Good thing w-we’re actually soap strip in a family newspaper characters…..huh?”

    Heathcliff: Well, all you cows, pigs, and chickens! Isn’t it about time you guys made a human idol out of some carvable foodstuffs (besides yourselves, of course) already? Oh, and since it has to be a modern-era worshipped person, you have a choice between Ronald Reagan, Barack Obama, or Oprah Winfrey. And NO TRUMP!”

  16. gleeb
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: Patient has memory problems and a tendency to cover them up with unrealistic expectations.

    ‘bean: No phone number, no email, no address. When doing business in Cancerdeathville, make sure no one knows how to contact you. I like this Frank Pierce more and more.

    Thalia’s Crocodile Tears: Let me guess, you say something that costs Neddy another 50 grand.

    Trail: Wow, Mark, don’t out-and-out threaten the guy with cannibalism right off. Jolly him along for a while first.

  17. Droopy Says
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Who can blame Slylock Fox for closely examining each predator in that swampy rain forest? Since something will eat him, he wants to choose the quickest death available. No way is he going to go out like his sidekick Max, slowly crushed and swallowed!

  18. Powers
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: “Gramma” and “Grampa” are what Iggy calls Heathcliff’s “owners”, so I think there’s a generation gap there.

  19. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    @Peter Hillock (#13):

    “I’m feeling feverish and probably should rest, however, I want to get back to Shelly, because I’m worried about her, so let’s keep going.”

  20. Powers
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    Oh, and the family’s surname is “Nutmeg”.

  21. Morgan Wick
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    “Why yes, I actually do have the tastes of someone in a terrible, cheesy romance novel! OH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LIKE ME”

  22. Doctor Handsome
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    I don’t read many romance novels. Do ukuleles feature prominently in a lot of them? Beth may actually be thinking of The Jerk.

  23. Little Blue Bicycle
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    MW: “So what else do you do besides make wonderful monochromatic meals? I love breaded mice, by the way.”
    “Well, I like to stroll on the beach and play my ukulele like Arthur Godfrey.”
    “You like Arthur too? I have all his old shows on DVD!”
    “Mother is still very bitter about his on-air firing of Julius LaRosa.”
    “You know it’s funny, we seem to be young but act like we’re in our seventies.”
    “Oh dear, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

  24. bunivasal
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    Slylock carried a magnifying glass once. However, seeing the world expanded, broken into digestible components so that no detail however seemingly meaningless was ever missed didn’t quite suit his style of hard-hitting arbitrary justice handed down from a brutal authority figure, so he elected to carry an ornate hand mirror instead and see the only font of truth necessary to convict “evildoers”: his own face, damning the perpetrators.

    Plus, the mirror really comes in handy for seeing those little upside-down answers at the bottom of the riddles.

  25. un malpaso
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    SF – Although tropical rain forests occupy only six percent of Earth’s land surface, they are 100% likely to kill you.

  26. pugfuggly
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    MW You can tell you’re having the world’s most boring conversation when the houseplant actually gets up to leave.

    SFxToday, instead of the usual puzzle or multiple answer quiz, Slylock has decided we’re ready to move on to essay questions. “More than half the world’s plant and animal diversity is contained in rainforests. Discuss.”

    @Amino Man (#12):

    I thought your superpower was getting together with your friends to make proteins?

  27. Doctor Handsome
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Has anyone been keeping track of how many times Max Mouse has gotten killed? Obviously, no one in the strip has ever noticed, but I thought one of you nerds might know.

  28. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    Crank: How about a swift kick in the ass?

    Luann: …….???

    MT: “We’ll just cut off your foot and boil it!” Hello Donner Party!

    Marvin: Oh, ha ha ha!! It’s funny, because……well……ok. It’s not funny. It’s stupid.

    MW: We can always count on this comic to show people eating orange glop!

    RMMD: So……..THAT’S why June told Sarah to bring her backpack to the restaurant tonight! She expects Sarah to puke into it!!

    Six Chix: Matching outfits? Not exactly. Either she should be wearing pants, or he should be wearing a dress!!

    Love is…: In a desperate bid for a blow job, he brought the fucking spider into the house.

  29. Amino Man
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    @ pugfuggly (#26)
    I can’t make a protein, but I can make a hormone.

  30. LP2004
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: I really hope this is just the start of a storyline inspired by George R. R. Martin’s ‘Sandkings’.

    MW: By this point, Beth should have figured out that Tom’s wife had very good reasons to leave him. Unfortunately, she’s just as pathetically desperate as he is.

  31. Dennis Jimenez
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff – Now we know, “Who cut the cheese!”

    MW – Tiny Bubbles – In the Glob – Make Me Happy – Keep Me Regular….

    SFx – Looks like just another stop at the Dollar Store to me….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  32. Gabacho
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth“Strumming a ukulele in a boat…”
    Well there you go, Lena Dunham, the authentic voice of contemporary romance has spoken. It turns out young people don’t want anal sex and polyamory, just good old fashioned ukulele music. You can stop your dirty talk now.

  33. Dood
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “Ha, ha…I actually do like doing those things! I mean, if those things mean that one big thing!”

  34. Double Bass Guy
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    ASM: Sorry, DD, you didn’t give the safe word.

  35. pugfuggly
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    ASM “Only I wasn’t hypnotized! I was beating Spiderman unconscious of my own free will because he really, really annoys me.”

    A3G “It depends” doesn’t seem like a reasonable answer to the question “Does the kid have a father?” unless you’re quibbling about the definition of ‘father’, or the parents are constantly changing gender.

    FW I think ‘Astounding Productions’ should change their slogan to ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you’, seeing as there’s no contact information at all on that business card.

    MT “I brought my rifle, Wes, we’ll make it somehow”
    “That’s a stick, Mark.”
    “No, it’s a rifle, I carved it myself! PIEW! PIEW! PIEW! Look at all the rabbits I just shot, Wes! Did you see? Did you see?”

  36. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    @Josh re SFx: “Pizza! Pizza!”

  37. Maltmasher
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    MW- This may be a first for the strip, but this story line may be an attempt to show the readers that you can indeed be TOO desperate.

  38. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    I really enjoyed Dennis the Menace today, with its nostalgic look back at dating in 1961.

  39. Dood
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#33): How could I have possibly confused Apartment 3-G with the scintillating action of Mary Worth?

  40. pugfuggly
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    @Amino Man (#29):

    /rimshot/ HIYYO!

    @Doctor Handsome (#22):

    Funny you should ask, here’s the cover of Beth’s first novel.

    Apparently they talk like that through the whole book. No wonder Elinor thinks it’s a waste of time.

  41. What, on Second Base
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    MW:
    Beth: “If I were a character in a romance novel… I would be an unattractive middle-aged unpublished novelist who lives with her hideous shrewish mother, cooks unrecognizable food, and who has the hots for any guy who acknowledges her existence!”
    Tom: “Ha ha… I actually do like doing those women!”

  42. SideshowJon
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Cats as Gods among mice is an interesting theological construct. Heathcliff certainly isn’t going to be mistaken for the benevolent Christian God, or even one of the mercurial, sometimes-benevolent-sometimes-malevolent idols of the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, Celts, etc.

    If a cat is a god to a mouse, it’s in the vein of a Lovecraftian Old One–Evil, uncaring, and hungry. This may explain the non-Euclidean kafka-esque world Heathcliff resides in.

  43. Downpuppy eats from a bowl
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    What is it with Giella, hands and sporks? Everyone in the US holds utensils between the index & middle fingers, but in Santa Royale, they’re between the thumb & index finger. I suppose the more of that orange glob that lands on their laps, the better.

  44. Illustrator Steve
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    MT – “I’ve brought my rifle and a big stick for you to use as a crutch, Wes. I’ve also brought my cordless electric shaver! DON’T worry, Wes, we’ll make it somehow! And when they find us I’ll be fresh shaven and you’ll look like a bum limping with an old stick. IT WILL MAKE A GOOD STORY, Wes!”

  45. Leonard
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    JP: $5 that this is going to be massive reset button to make Neddy and Sophie homeless again.

  46. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Ukulele Ike must be in seventh heaven right now. But Mandolin Manny is pissed off at being left out of yet another “Mary Worth” trope.

  47. Holly Folly
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    It’s unsettling to me that Tom looks EXACTLY like the Beach Ken doll I had as a child. Same plastic hair, stiff arms, bad shirt, and that fixed uncanny valley smile.

  48. Here come the Judge
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    Today’s Heathcliff is distinguished by the fact that Heathcliff is not standing, thrusting his gut out, with his arms folded behind his back. Other than that, it’s the same strange, otherworldly bad humor…

  49. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    FW: Too bad Frank didn’t get the guy who did Ted West’s business cards to do his.

  50. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Alley Oop: In the authoritarian, absolute monarchy that is Moo, King Guz legislates as he sees fit, unfettered by things like “law” or “human rights.” And this is a good thing, considering how annoying and pedantic this “attorney” is. I predict that in the end, Alley himself will save this lawyer’s bacon and establish the kingdom’s first rule of habeas corpus and/or domestic partnership law, but I’d be equally satisfied if the writers just threw dude in the pit with Wizer and forgot about them, Mark-Trail-style.

    Prediction: the next two weeks on The Amazing Spider-Man will be taken up with Spidey and Daredevil trying to get the fershlugginer lock off: “Maybe if we twist it this way…” “Dude, don’t you remember the safe word?” Meanwhile Kingpin and his flat-topped minion will stand around tapping their feet and checking their watches, finally electing to execute Dr. Lauren in a piranha tank and setting up appointments with their lawyers while awaiting the climactic battle with the potrzebiest of superheroes outside of the Venture Brothers universe.

    9 Chickweed Lane: BURBER WOMEN ARE AWARE OF YOUR INSOLENCE, PETTY HUMAN

    Mark Trail: Between the repeated mention of the rifle, the wolves on the prowl down by Cherry and Shelley and the growing facial hair, I’m going to guess that this may be the very first Mark Trail centered on lycanthropy. TRMT, care to elaborate?

    Mary Worth: Oh, Josh. Gina Gershon and Meg Tilly’s first date in Bound was awkwardly intense. This? This is just awkward, especially the hand gestures and forced ukelele gags.

    Nancy: Oh, Nancy, that’s not jiggling. What your Aunt Fritzi does, now that’s jiggling like a bowl of Jell-O.

    Pibgorn: Um, of what use is a succubus who doesn’t recognize a “that” when she sees one? And here I thought the imaginary creatures in The Amazing Spider-Man were lame.

    Scary Go Round/Giant Days: It doesn’t get much better than “knöck knöck”…

    Sinfest: Very funny and perhaps a little closer to reality than is comfortable.

  51. Illustrator Steve
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MT – “My foot still hurts pretty bad, Mark – I feel feverish – I want to get back to Shelley! I’m feeling faint! My vision is blurred! I’m fading fast, Mark, I’m, I’m… WOW! Now I’m sitting upright and, boy, I sure am hungry, Mark…I hope we can find some food soon!”

    “Yeah, that’s a good sign, Wes. I have a package of PANCAKE batter in my pocket for just this type of emergency, Wes. DON’T worry, I’ll start a fire and cook you up a batch of PANCAKES!”

    “Did you bring genuine maple syrup and real butter with you too, Mark?”

    “No! Sorry, Wes. guess you’ll just have to eat them dry!”

    “Oooooh, I’m feeling faint again, I can’t go on. I’ll just pass out on this log until you return from the store with the butter and syrup, Mark! …and get me some orange juice too!”

    “CITY people!!!”

  52. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    SINFEST: end! end! end!

    Pibpr0n.: yeah, that’s Brooke’s view of all those who don’t ‘get’ his artistic vision. *rolls eyes*

    PBS: no bowls of salty snacks?

    Blondie: that’s close to a Monty Python ref.

    MG&G: yeah, next up, a ‘cat scan’ joke. *pets the Lab*

    RwO: *SNURK!*

  53. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . .’X” ing it up every night.

  54. TheDiva
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Heath: The old guy’s pissed because he knows he’s first up for the human sacrifice.

    MW: The more insight I get into Beth’s writing, the more I think Eleanor’s right in thinking her daughter’s a hack who needs to find a real job.

  55. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Phantom — “Wow! They’re just like ANTS down there. My bad — I thought I was looking at today’s Monty!”

  56. Casino LF
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    A3G: Uh … didn’t both Lu Ann’s AND Margo’s mothers abandon them as infants, technically? AWKWARD.

    MW: Ukulele in a boat? Surely there is some subtext here that I’m missing. Is this code for some cunnilingus technique with which I’m not yet familiar? SOMEONE TELL ME IF MARY WORTH KNOWS A SEX ACT THAT I DON’T, because obviously I’ll have to jump off a cliff.

  57. Illustrator Steve
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    MT – “I sure am hungry, Mark … I hope we find some food soon! …Oh, I forgot to tell you, Mark … there’s six cases of steaks and about 500 hot dogs stored in the plane’s cooler for our camping trip. Would you be so kind as to hike back up there to get them, out of the plane wreckage for me Mark?”

    (Feel free to fill in the blank for Mark’s reply to Wes) “____________________!!”

  58. Illustrator Steve
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MT – “I sure am hungry, Mark … I hope we find some food soon! …Oh, I forgot to tell you, Mark – there’s six cases of rib eye steaks and about 500 hot dogs stored in the plane’s cooler for our camping trip along with a few cases of Dom Perignon. Would you be so kind as to hike back up there to get them out of the plane wreckage for me Mark?”

    (Feel free to fill in the blank for Mark’s reply to Wes) “____________________!!”

  59. eimSD
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth — anyone else ever wonder how semi-emotionally healthy, competent people to the degree that Ted and Sally are could have come out of the deranged family dynamics they both apparently grew up with? Today’s strip is one of many that does for me…

  60. Nekrotzar
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but if Heathcliff is starting to reenact scenes from the Book of Judges I will want to read it regularly.

    In the early 20th century, the ukelele was an extremely popular instrument that was the centerpiece of the Gibson company’s product. It was only later that it was displaced, first by the banjo, and, much later, by the guitar. I learned this at the American Banjo Museum in Oklahoma, which is a place that actually exists.

  61. Illustrator Steve
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    I didn’t think my comment #57 was posted but I see it got posted afterall when I posted the replacement comment #58. …oh well, back to the old drawing board.

  62. Downpuppy's money laundry
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#50): Jennifer Tilly, unless you have Bound confused with Agnes of God.

  63. Arabella
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#23): HaHa. Best laugh of the day so far. (and it was a shame about Julius LaRosa)

  64. batgirl
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Usually I’m not surprised by the Mary Worth characters’ utter ignorance of post-1980s culture. Oh, wait, those last 4 words were unnecessary.
    But as an occasional reader of romance novels, I have to point out that Beth’s little list is nothing you’d ever find in a romance novel, any sub-genre, 1960s to present. It’s straight out of a personals ad.

    Yesterday’s Dustin let him be a creeper again, this time to a presumed 16 yr old.

  65. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    @Downpuppy’s money laundry (#62): Dammit, I always get them mixed up. I get…distracted.

  66. TheDiva
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    9CL: Today’s McEldowney-to-human translation:
    Edda: The dress I loaned Fleurrie was damaged beyond all repair, which can only mean she had wild and crazy sex.
    Juliet: Wow, I love wild and crazy sex!
    Edda: I know! It’s so wild and crazy and sexy!
    Older Amos: Don’t you ladies have anything better to do than live vicariously by speculating on other people’s love lives using the flimsiest of evidence?
    *beat*
    Older Amos: I’ll go stand in the corner now.

    A3G: “Yes, Margo, it’s a good thing that Marty’s only remaining parent spends a lot of time far away from her in dangerous combat situations. Jesus, even I’m not that thick.”

    C’shaft: “Dear God, he does this every single time…”

    FW: Now Batiuk’s stealing gags from old Looney Tunes shorts. At least he plagiarizes the best.

    MT: I can’t wait to see the Jackelrod clip art version of a survival horror.

    Pibgorn: I’m not sure what bugs me more: the strawman or the fact that the only dialogue Brooke can write for him amounts to “I’m an evil strawman! I’m horrible and ugly and smelly, because I’m an evil strawman!” Talk about no imagination…

    SM: Oh, I can’t wait for the ridiculously implausible explanation for this…

  67. nescio
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#27): Unfortunately, it’s zero.

    I never tire of seeing Max Mouse about to be devoured by a snake, but it never come to fruition.

  68. Mikey
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Ha ha… I actually do like doing those things! Well sort of. I like to strum a ukelele in a boat in the moonlight before I set the boat on fire. They call me the Jake Shimabukuro of boat arsonists!

  69. Mandolin Manny
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#46): Jack Worth won Mary’s heart with the Nick Lucas version of “Lady, Play Your Mandolin” during their courtship. I consider it a
    base betrayal that Mary Worth hasn’t invited the mandolin to become one of
    her tropes!

  70. Little Guy
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    S4th: Oh, for God’s sake, Ted. No jury will convict you, even in this environment.

    Curtis: Do Greg and Diane have insulation in their room, or does it come as conditioning?

    Big Nate: There’s “The teacher has it in for me because I’m stupid enough to insult her within earshot”, and then there’s “This teacher has it in for me because he picks up my whispers and carries around a tape recorder to record my insults.” Psycho.

  71. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#66): Perfect translation, thank you.

  72. A French Post-Structuralist Literary Professor
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    OBSERVE, STUDENTS! In today’s Heathcliff the eponymous feline observes his social inferiors, the house rodents, as they erect a totemic image of their omnipresent master.

    Clearly, this is a re-enactment of Freud’s primal scene from Totem and Taboo, wherein worshippers form a religion centering around their murdered father-figure to atone for the collective’s sense of guilt at having committed the ultimate sin.

    But, you surely note, certainly the “cat” could not be father-role to the “mice,” since they are clearly separate species? And furthermore, you protest: how can the mice, eternally oppressed and preyed-upon by the cat, ever see themselves as the polar opposite, of having killed the very predator they live in fear of?

    Ah, but we forget! The “cat” may be the master of killers in the natural order of things, but we speak of the Mythos here; that is, the traditional folk-legend of the cunning, trickster-figure prey animal who consistently triumphs against his dull-witted enemies; a classic theme which is clearly evident to this day in the popular cartoon pictures?

    Within the wish-fulfillment context of this mythic structure, the Mouse becomes his own negative number; he assumes the role of the Dominant hegemon, whose power emerges in repeated acts of cruelty against the now-passive feline (cf. MGM, “Tom and Jerry”, &c.). Therefore, the concept of the guilt-stricken mouse is shown to possess a unique power, repressed as it must be throughout generations of the rodent population.

    In such a setting, the symbolism of the Cat-Idol becomes transparent. Much as the Jews in Freud’s Moses and Monotheism (also note: the symbolic relationship of mice vs. Jewishness in Spiegelman’s Maus, to provide a more immediately medium-specific relationship) establish their fallen Father-figure as an object of worship, the Mice in Heathcliff’s house create a “Golden Calf” (of their most precious commodity, cheese!) in response to their deep guilt-complex. Here, in this twisted, upside-down world, Predator becomes Prey; Servant becomes Master; all roles are reversed, and embody at once their essential nature and their shadow selves.

    That is all, class. Next week, we will discuss Heathcliff vs. Marmaduke: Romantic Hero in conflict with Demonic Familiar.

  73. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    @batgirl (#64): Re: MW – “It’s straight out of a personals ad.”

    It is straight out of a playboy centerfold’s “personal data” section from 1979.

    Height – 5’4″
    Weight – 105
    Breast Size – 34D
    Age – 19
    Hobbies – sex, disco dancing!
    Turn Ons – long walks on the beach, ukelele playing, ice cream, kittens
    Turn Offs – mean people, malaise, mangled baby ducks

  74. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

  75. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Baldo — HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! “MacGyvers” Tia Carmen when he turns
    an ordinary watermelon rind into a Super Soaker. Bravo, HAMMY, bravo!

  76. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @un malpaso (#25): no, that’s Australia.

    watch out for the drop bears!

  77. ReFlex76
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Stone Soup: A week of “being single sucks” continues. To think I normally like this comic.

  78. Mooncattie
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    S-M: As the Adamantium chains fell away / It’s said Kingpin’s head shrank two sizes that day

    H&L: The Flagston youngsters, their legs too short to even reach the edge of the couch, realize that their lives are just as horrible as the television shows they watch.

    MT: If reading early 19th century romantic poetry is at the top of Wes’ priorities, then he’s more feverish than he realizes!

    MW: The triffid slowly approached the table. The pathetic man was closest, he would be an easy kill. The female was still just out of reach, with her spectacled eyes protected from a direct strike. She was dim in her own way, however, and her insane nattering about what sort of tree she would be could give the hungry plant all the time it would need.

  79. Dartpaw86
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Slylock: Stop screaming Max, I’m trying to examine these species! It’s bad enough you survived the Owl attack, but if you survive this I’ll have to do it myself. Why do you think I bring you to these places?

  80. ranger roger over
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#58): (Mark’s reply)…”Gees, Wes. If I’d known the plane was so overloaded with your food that it would crash I’d have lightened the load by jumping out of it for you!”

  81. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    SlyFox: Slylock and Max are right to be alarmed. Whatever case they are working on has led them deep into a region of nonassimilationist animals who embrace the Old Ways — red tooth and claw — flesh is flesh and flesh is life. That monkey best put on its rage face, lest it be unfairly associated with the unnaturally bipedal interlopers.

  82. Mikey
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MT: I brought my rifle – Wes. Time to end your suffering, plus I’m hungry.

  83. Alex
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    MT — Wes may be in worse shape than he realizes: He apparently passed out long enough for Mark to shave between the first and last panels.

  84. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MT: “I hope we find some food soon!”

    “Well, there is that busted foot of yours…”

  85. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @ReFlex76 (#78):

    One of the things I really enjoy about this site is that it is free from obnoxious, unnnecessary, childish, and uncalled for personal insults for other commentors based on their opinions about a comic strip. I hope that isn’t going to change.

  86. Tophat
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    So… how many times has Max Mouse been brutally killed or eaten alive in Slylock Fox now? 20? 40? Meanwhile, Slylock looks up from his magnifying glass to the stunning, case-breaking revelation that he has no idea where the fuck he is.

  87. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    MT, Redux: I really like panel 2. Wes’s expression fairly captures pain, exhaustion, terror and desperation. Panel 3, is also quite realistic, seeing as Mark is about to bludgeon his injured friend to death with his trusty quarterstaff rather than waste a bullet.

  88. Voshkod
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Man, are Heathcliff and his family going to be surprised when the mice carve emet into the forehead of their cheese golem.

  89. gleeb
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#86): Hey, the guy freely admitted liking Stone Soup. As far as I’m concerned, that’s putting a “kick me” sign on his own back.

  90. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Tophat (#87): Not sure how I feel about the revelation that “Max” is actually a succession 40+ genetically identical lab mice all brainwashed to believe they are their predecessor … pretty good, I guess.

    @Voshkod (#89): Where’s the like button on this thing? (The comments, not the cheese golem.)

  91. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn – Having the troll tell us that he stinks is ever so much more sophisticated than merely drawing stink lines coming out of his body. Oh, the wit!!!!

  92. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#92): *takes notes for future mashups*

    on that subject, anyone figured out the ‘mudgeon meme in my latest one?

    *curious*

  93. Voshkod
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#89): “Can’t anyone stop the cheese golem? Grandpa’s got high cholesterol, Grandma’s lactose intolerant, and the boy won’t eat anything but American cheese. That monster’s made of gruyère! If only we had five gallons of chardonnay and an NPR listener!”

  94. NoahSnark
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    I think the possibility that something living in a rain forest may eat Slylock is a darn good argument for preserving them.

  95. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#94): *raises hand*

  96. Spotts1701
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    FW: So the “villain” decides he can’t wait 15 minutes to commit his villainy? Is he on his lunch break? Double parked?

    Luann: Way to stretch this paper-thin plot out to fill 2 weeks, Evans. What’s next, a thrilling aside as they get blocked by a floor waxer?

    JP: FAKE! Tears do not emerge from the corner of the eye! Encyclopedia Brown taught me that.

    S4th: Gee, I wonder why Ted moved across the country to get away from this goober. He makes Ed Crankshaft look like Father of the Year.

  97. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox— Slylock is going to be really pissed when he discovers that the snake has devoured Max. He was counting on Max to be his emergency rations. If he’d done a better job of planning, he would have brought Reeky Rat as a backup.

  98. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    FW: So… is this guy Darrin’s dad? A con-man? A mockbuster movie producer planning to sell Leeza’s Narrative: The Missing Sock to Oxygen or OWN? All three?

    @Spotts1701 (#97): Per World Health Organization guidelines, 15 minutes is the maximum safe exposure to Winkerbeanium-235.

  99. Dennis Jimenez
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#94): The baseboard getto, cheese golum – Spiegelman’s got the fodder for Maus III….

  100. SurrealKangaroo
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    So today’s Slylock was just a fun fact. No game or puzzle. LLLLAAAAMMMMEEE!!!!

  101. SurrealKangaroo
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    So today’s Slylock was just a fun fact? No game or puzzle? LLLLAAAAMMMMEEE!!!!

  102. Dennis Jimenez
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#100): Opps – I looked it up and I meant ghetto! But the world is a getto – which is pretty neat-oh!

  103. Government Cheese
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    MW: Someone needs to inform Beth that she is 50 years too late to produce the romantic musical, “South Pacific.”

    MW 2: Tom actually “likes” those things? I thought he was a shut-in in his condo, not some bon-vivant who commandeers fishing boats and strums his ukelele? Oh, wait, he strums his ukelele in private.

    Luann: Wrong door? The sign says that’s the interview location. Obviously, the hiring manager smelled gas on her and sent her away.

    ? “Start your career at WeenieWorld Today! Don’t Delay! Call 1-800-HOT-DONG” ©” ?

  104. astroboy
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MW – Woah! Things are really going to get interesting now that Beth’s ravenous Venus Flytrap has moved in on Tom between panels 1 & 2 and begun consuming his right arm!

  105. Government Cheese
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Hmmph – my musical notes didn’t post correctly (they’re not supposed to be question marks).

  106. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    JP — If only they knew of a CIA operative, perhaps one who is handy with weapons, to help them out of this crisis…

  107. odinthor
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    MT.

    I’m feeling feverish… however, I want to get back to Shelley!

    Wes’s dedication to Percy Bysshe Shelley under such circumstances is perhaps laudable; but I’m sure that Mark was sorely tempted to respond quoting William Hazlitt’s opinion on the poet: “Mr. Shelley has been accused of vanity—I think he is chargeable with extreme levity; but this levity is so great, that I do not believe he is sensible of its consequences. He strives to overturn all established creeds and systems: but this is in him an effect of constitution. He runs before the most extravagant opinions, but this is because he is held back by none of the merely mechanical checks of sympathy and habit. He tampers with all sorts of obnoxious subjects, but it is less because he is gratified with the rankness of the taint, than captivated with the intellectual phosphoric light they emit. It would seem that he wished not so much to convince or inform as to shock the public by the tenor of his productions, but I suspect he is more intent upon startling himself with his electrical experiments in morals and philosophy; and though they may scorch other people, they are to him harmless amusements […].” It is possible, however, that this opinion will be delivered later at an appropriate moment by a passing squirrel or migratory fowl.

  108. terrapin
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#100):And Heathcliff is obviously a nazi.

  109. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    “Today’s Funky Winkerbean isn’t just good, it’s STUPENDOUS!”

    Aristotle Stupendous, President of Greek Chorus Inc.

    (A Subsidiary of Batiuk-McEldowney Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC)

  110. terrapin
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: “Well, you’re not scheduled for a prostate exam but thanks to that comment you are so getting probed. I’ll go get the janitor.”

    MW: Man, Tom must want to get laid bad.

  111. Marc
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth- If this were a McE strip, I’d be pretty completely sure that “strum a ukulele would be a euphamism for masturbation. But since this is Mary Worth, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that Tom actually does enjoy sitting in a boat, hoping that eventually, the random strings he strikes, will begin to sound like something resembling music.

  112. Marc
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#112): Well, I learned my lesson for trying to dabble in HTML.

  113. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Pete, this is Repeat. He just showed up out of nowhere yesterday:

    Heathcliff:
    The look on the father’s face is precious. The righteous anger it conveys just says:
    “Now those mice have finally figured out a fool proof way to destroy the house! They are going to incur the wrath of God to smite us all! In the meantime, they ruined my plans for a Mac n Cheesy May!”

  114. Mincemeat
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    I just want to point out that the “joke” in today’s Wordless is elephant fisting. And MY DAY IS RUINED.

  115. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail — “…I hope we find some food soon! I sure have a hankering for some Shelley… I mean shellfish!”

  116. Government Cheese
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#113): Hahaha, no worries. I know nothing about HTML, as I’m worried I’ll make those sorts of funny posts (so I just stick to old fashioned text).

  117. Baka Gaijin
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#5): Ha Ha! I can see it now. Owner-Man, resplendent in his spandex khakis and frayed spandex flannel shirt, super garden hose in hand.

    @A French Post-Structuralist Literary Professor (#72): What is this po-mo clap-trap?

    //I’d have added more onto this comment but I ran out of dashes.
    //I’m kidding about the clap/trap but not about the lack of dashes.

    @Spotts1701 (#97) on Luann: Spoiler alert dude, spoiler alert.

  118. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    MW: I can think of another Tom who liked romantic music and boats. Makes me wonder just how “ex” this wife of his really is.

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#107) JP: That would be too dramatic. If you really want to suck the life out of this story, you need to send Sam over there and convince the kidnappers to abandon terrorism and extortion in favor of solar farming (but continue to discuss developments 3rd-hand).

  119. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @SurrealKangaroo (#102):

    I dunno. More often than not Max is shown to not completely grasp what is going on while Slylock saunters, sachets, pirouettes, bounds, runs, leaps into action or just stands there with this pose that says, “ I got this!”

    So, anytime Max is shown to have a grip on things, even if it means being the clutches of something which doesn’t have that civilized mojo Max and Slylock are used to dealing with then, this is a good thing. There’s been many a puzzle mystery where it looks like Max is just using his magnifying glass to try and hide the fact that he’s high. So, he just wanders around looking at things that are at his eye-level rather than surveying the scene of the so-called “crime”.

    You know, the Fox-eyed level where Slylock is either flirting with bikinied cats, berating and browbeating rodents or suffering from listening nattering old folks.

  120. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#118):
    //I’d have added more onto this comment but I ran out of dashes.
    //I’m kidding about the clap/trap but not about the lack of dashes.

    It sounds like you were in a hurry.

  121. Baka Gaijin
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    I’d love to see the Dinner of Twoo Wuvv and Ukeleles interrupted by a cat riding a Roomba wearing a shark suit.

  122. Ziggy
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    I think I got a letter from tallyHO today.

  123. Little Guy
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    JP: “They killed him! They had family!” They were like family! They killed them in such detail!” *ahem* And this is pertinent to your large breasts — how?

  124. greghousesgf
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    I was thinking of this after seeing Mary Worth:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ae9uSCHL0U

  125. pugfuggly
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#118):

    [...]super garden hose in hand.

    Sadly, it only takes a regular garden hose to defeat spiderman: he’ll probably just trip over it and knock himself unconscious.

  126. Jim in Wisc.
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Garfield: Actually, that “Beware of Dog” sign should have a QR code on it. You scan it with your smartphone, and you’re taken to a website featuring a video of the dog barking.

    Crankenschäft: “Yes I am getting you a gift. A gun and one bullet, so you can blow your brains out.”

    Mary Worthless: Tom looks positively gay in the 2nd panel (and I don’t mean happy).

  127. Baka Gaijin
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#126): True, but the ensemble isn’t complete without the hose.

    @Jim in Wisc. (#127): I see the limp wrist. I cannot unsee it.

  128. Inkwell
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Did Beth just admit her characters suck? Is someone projecting?

  129. Gringo
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: Going by Beth’s description, she’s actually Linus Larabee from Sabrina.

    / 1954 version, that is

  130. Gringo
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#28): MW: We can always count on this comic to show people eating orange glop!

    I think it’s salmon glop.

  131. Amos Snarkadder
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    MW: No, no, no, Tom! You’re a character in a romance novel, so play along. You’re supposed to say that you like riding a big white horse, bare-back, shirtless in the rain, across the moors to the castle where your lady-love lies waiting for you. Sheesh! What do you know about romance?

  132. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#129):

    Did Beth just admit her characters suck?

    Of course not! Her characters may swoon, sway, heave, sigh, blush, blanch, flirt, tease, flutter and sashay — but never suck! ‘Twould be most unladylike!

  133. Lenoxus
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    This post’s title (referencing today’s MW) made me notice that this Heathcliff depicts cheese of a realistic color/texture combination, instead of the usual “bright orange Swiss” in comics. Kudos to those responsible, I suppose.

  134. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Ziggy (#123):

    As written, folks are just looking out for you, li’l fella.

    So be happy because there’s Monty Python feet out to smash you.

    And I heard Rocky the Musical will feature scenes where he trains by using you as a monologuing, punching bag. Congrats on getting that gig!

    But, BEWARE of SCAMS! And, don’t forget to send the protection money, okay? You can use the SASE envelope included with the letter.

    Yup. SASE, Ziggy. We take care of you! One day, we’ll take care of you reaaaaaal good!

  135. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Try standing in front of someone and putting your right hand on their right shoulder while your left hand is in their hair. Creepy and awkward, like the romantic moves in today’s Mary Worth.

  136. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#86): But we can still do obnoxious, unnnecessary, childish, and uncalled for personal insults about the cartoonists, right?

  137. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of Mary Worth: what is that utensil in Tom’s hand? Gaaah! It’s too small to be a spork! He holds it like a single chopstick! What is it?
    //or, in the Mark Trail tongue, WHAT is IT?

  138. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile Beth is spooning whatever the glop is into her cleavage. It’s like a traffic accident – I can’t look away.

  139. Beth
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    I like strumming a ukelele in a boat and sitting by the fire – simultaneously! Ha ha! I wonder why I’ve never had a boyfriend!

  140. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Ziggy (#123):

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t they modifying a song to fit into the training scene in “Rocky the Musical”?

    They are converting it so that Rocky can do a duet with you, the otherwise monologuing, wise cracking punching bag. So you and Rocky will sing:

    “Eye of the Ziggy”

    Wamph
    Wamph Wamph Wamph
    Wamph Wamph Wamph

    I enter the ring
    Pantless and angry
    Ready to beat his butt

    That when he
    points at my crotch
    and then begins to strut

    He lets out a laugh
    And only further raises
    my Iiiiiirre!

    He’s seen the
    Eye of the Ziggy
    It’s on my crotch
    It’s staring everyone down
    So don’t think
    You can escape it
    Just because it
    is underneath a smooock!

    Wamph
    Wamph Wamph Wamph
    Wamph Wamph Wamph

  141. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#132): I tell Tom to get started on the push-ups now, but the poor guy’s paying so much in alimony, he’s never gonna be able to afford the hair extensions required to fulfill Beth’s fantasy anyway.

    @Lumaca Morente (#138): My guess is that it’s a hypo full of benzodiazepine to help bring him down to Beth’s speed.

    @Lumaca Morente (#139): C’mon now, be kind — parasitic twins gotta eat too!

  142. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Beth (#140):

    I wonder why I’ve never had a boyfriend!

    It could be the haircut.

  143. Ziggy
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#141): I can moon walk too. Want to see me walk and show my moon?

  144. Helen Clark
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Strumming a ukelele? In a boat? You’ve got to be ((hic)) shitting me. Pardon my French, but I just cannot believe that some desperate wackadoodle moron like Tommy-boy here stands a chance with any normal, healthy, semi-intelligent, marginally attractive young woman like Beth Kin—

    Oh. Never mind.

    Goddammit.

  145. Baka Gaijin
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    And tomorrow, with the leftovers of tonight’s romantic dinner Tom can make whatchama-carcass sandwiches.

  146. Wilber
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#146): Oh, goodie!

  147. Baka Gaijin
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Wilber (#147): They’re great with great gobs of mayo.

  148. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    MW: Hey, Tom! Tighten up that limp wrist in panel 2! No mixed messages, pal!

    Lumaca Morente (#137) I hope so! I’d hate to give up speculating on Greg Evans’ tireless “research” sitting in his car in in high school parking lots, trying to get those camel-toes just right!

  149. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Helen Clark (#145):

    Well, you know it, I know it, we all know it.

    That Tom Blonde Adonis is a weirdo. He’s Weird with a capital “Oh!”

    He’s got one of those candy striped jackets, right? More than likely he’s got three giant puppets on two long sticks, each dressed identically to him. Up until meeting Beth, Tom has filled his free time performing for no one as a a one man barbershop quartet. How he sings all four parts, is a mystery and amazing and creeeepy.

    But, he’s got the giant puppet mimicking his dance moves, he can sing and play the uke and he and his puppet minions can perform a rousing version of “Down by the Old Salmon Square”.

    It. May Look Piiiink!
    It May Be that it Stinks!
    But, the old salmon square
    will always be there,
    even at age sixteen,
    when a leftover is too old,
    For those truly bold,
    To ingest a nauseating load,
    Of Old Salmon Squares!

    Ukelele solo!

    Ha! Who am I tring to kid? That entire freaking weirdo act would be solo. Wait’ll Beth gets a load of it and Ol’ Tom will still continue to act solo.

    I can see Beth being deathly afraid of puppets and of clowns.

  150. Mikey
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#138): Specialized utensil called a “Glorp Fork”. It’s very common in Albania.

  151. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#150): Perhaps Beth would like to meet Baka Gaijin!

  152. Marc
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#149): If Tom wasn’t just as oblivious and needy as Beth, I’d suggest that he’s going to start acting like he’s gay as a way to get out of this horrible fix up.

  153. margo
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    It appears to me that Mary Worth’s bachelor neighbor had the world’s fastest gender reassignment surgery between panels one and two.

    It always seems that the artist who draws the strip isn’t really sure how to indicate a character’s gender, other than putting the female ones in frilly blouses. They same way people put those stupid pink pink headbands on a baby so you know it’s a girl. No other strip makes me imagine sudden gender-reveals as often as Mary Worth.

  154. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

  155. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Where did Beth get that adorable outfit? Heaven’s Gate Apparel? (Maybe she should borrow something from Edda Burber?)
    //oh, yeah, take that dress you have on right now out and bury it, Beth.

  156. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

  157. Alter Ego
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    love is… a crazy quilt. No joke here, just noting the metaphor.

  158. Mibbitmaker
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Glibporn: That, my dear succubus, is a loaded question.

    The answers include:

    ~Strawman
    ~McEldowney’s critics, like us.
    ~McEldowney
    ~Brooke’s buttmonkey (TV Tropes)
    ~Internet trolls being so pissily mocked that it makes one actually sympathize with those losers
    ~Tom Batiuk (friendly rivalry)
    ~Sqiggles in a comic. He only deserves to be squiggles, the beefwit!
    ~A beefwit
    ~An amalgam of beefwits
    ~Some random guy that annoyed Brooke mildly one day (MAN, is that Brooke vindictive!)
    ~All politicians
    ~A creature of impure artlessness (see: McEldowney)
    ~The real life Thorax
    ~Catholics that Brooke lapsed from
    ~Sexual beings
    ~Asexual beings
    ~prudes
    ~Latitudinarians (such a Brooke McEldowneyan word!)
    ~Anyone who uses small, easy-to-understand words
    ~Some editor Brooke had a run-in with
    ~Some of the above
    ~All of the above

  159. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

  160. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#159): …tilde-using people…

  161. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    I won’t say that Beth’s simpering expression in panel 1 turned Tom gay in panel 2, but it appears to have lowered his testosterone level by 50% at least.

  162. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    MT: Mark’s hat in panel 3 reveals that he’s Bazooka Joe, all grown up!

  163. Shrug, Well-Armed
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#76):

    Or the Pacific Northwest.

    Watch out for the tree octopi!

    http://zapatopi.net/treeoctopus/

  164. Dale
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    You saw a cabin LAST NIGHT and didn’t TELL me!
    How fucking stup….
    If your child were missing, would you call the cops?

  165. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#161):

    Like the actress Tilda Swinton ~?

    Hey!
    Lookit! I can do this:

    :~)

    That has a lot of possa-tilda-ties!

  166. Mr K Martin
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#66):

    FLAKEY WONKERBEAN: In the spirit of Looney Tunes, “Lisa’s Story: The Movie” will finally be produced by Miracle Pictures. “If it’s any good at all, it’s a Miracle!”

  167. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#166): I have some vague memory that back in the day, either late typewriter age or early computer, there was a series of cartoons that made figures and funny captions using keystrokes and sort of early emoticons. (Just yesterday I was looking for the “cents” sign on my keyboard – hey – whuh – ???)

  168. Brownsfan
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    MW: Tom is looking pretty effeminate in panel #2. What is with his heavily manicured nails?

  169. Baka Gaijin
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#150): And what’s so bad about being scared of clowns. Perfectly reasonable fear that many people have.

    @Lumaca Morente (#152): No, think not. She probably smells of despair and stale whatchama-carcass.

    @Marc (#153): I doubt Beth would mind being a beard. A man in her life, and one who isn’t infatuated with her hoo-hoo is a dream come true. Ted Bessell is not available anymore.

  170. Gary
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    MW: I think what Beth is really saying is that her favorite movie is “Meatballs” and she likes to watch it incessantly

  171. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#168):

    Haha!

    The cents key (¢), it is perplexing to not be able to easily find it.
    It is almost as if there’s no place for it anymore. That don’t make no good cents!

    //yeah. I went there. But, I’m slightly distracted by this virtual keyboard on my screen that is mirroring what I’m typing right now. It is like a greyscale, rectangular fireworks show. Spacebar Spacebar! Yeah!

  172. Shrug, Can You Dig It?
    May 8th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#156):

    “oh, yeah, take that dress you have on right now out and bury it, Beth.”

    No need to take it off first, either.

  173. Shrug, Stringing Us Along
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    MW: Even if Tom and Beth’s romantic life never quite kindles, they can have a bright professional future before them as a ukulele duet act. The Sounds of Plenty are hot now, sure, but there’s always room for another annoying kitsch group on Montana Joe’s morning show.

  174. Francis Hobbs
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#127): Mary Worthless: Tom looks positively gay in the 2nd panel (and I don’t mean happy).

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  175. Liam
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    MW-Beth, are you not into yoga. Do you have half a brain?

  176. Liam
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    MW-I’m into setting boats with people inside strumming ukuleles on fire and then sitting and watch it burn.

  177. Francis Hobbs
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    Rippin on Ripley’s –13-year-old Bingzhe shares his bed with an 18-foot-long, 220-lb. python.

    Bingzhe’s mother: “There’s a gigantic python in bed with Bingzhe!”

    Bingzhe’s father: “Praise Buddha! Our son has finally hit puberty!”

  178. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#131): Nah, this time it’s pork-n-carrots glop.

    //Ugh. I can’t even imagine what that would taste like.

  179. Dennis Jimenez
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#176): Do you like strumming uke at midnight-in a mask and a cape….

  180. KreatureFeatures
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Lorne (#11): We caught a rattlesnake, now we got something for dinner.

  181. Lumaca Morente
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#179): You never tasted baby food, I take it.

  182. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#176): Do you have half a brain?

    Given the rest of the song, I always assumed that part was setting an upper boundary and not a lower one….

  183. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Rippin on Ripley’s — Thai Ngoc claims he hasn’t slept since the 1970s. Ngoc also claims to know the complete lyrics to the Jesus Jones song “Phoenix”!

    @Francis Hobbs (#178): You’re poaching on MY territory, Hobbs. Cease and desist, sirrah!

  184. spike
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Did Juliette Burber decide to mimic the firniture arrangement in the Bumsteads’ living room?

  185. Dood
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff: Dear Gouda, it’s me, Heathcliff.

  186. Voshkod
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#179): It’s Soylent Orange! Yes, Soylent Orange, favorate of babies and people without teeth. You’ve tried Soylent Green and Soylent Mauve, it’s time to try Soylent Orange! It doesn’t contain people!*

    *Soylent Orange is a slurry of pork and carrot. 98.2% of people who survive encounters with Soylent Orange prefer Soylent Green. The remaining 1.8% are exiled to Charterstone Prison for the Criminally Tasteless.

  187. Francis Hobbs
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#132): No, no, no, Tom! You’re a character in a romance novel, so play along. You’re supposed to say that you like riding a big white horse, bare-back, shirtless in the rain, across the moors to the castle where your lady-love lies waiting for you. Sheesh! What do you know about romance?

    Will Fabio Lanzoni pose for the cover of Beth’s romance novel?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fabio_Lanzoni

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#184): Sorry, RS. I shouldn’t have used “Rippin on Ripley’s” for my snark on Robert Ripley’s comic strip. And I promise not to do it again!

  188. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @spike (#185): Re: 9CL “ Did Juliette Burber decide to mimic the furniture arrangement in the Bumsteads’ living room?

    Interesting point. The furniture is clearly designed to isolate the thrall and keep him separate from the couch on which Burbers are discussing their sexual fantasies. Another trick of the trade to keep the Thrall from getting ahead of himself and starting to think he is people, much less thinking he is an equal partner in Juliette’s sex life.

  189. John Myers
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    I am pretty disappointed in Beth’s answer here. I was hoping she was a romance author more in the Laura K. Hamilton mode:

    “What are your favorite things to do?”

    “Well, like the characters in my novels my favorite thing to do is cheat on my half-vampire girlfriend by having intense sadomasochistic sex with hot wolfdudes.”

    “Oh.” Tom says while trying to hide a confused and slightly terrified erection.

  190. Ziggy
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#166): Hi HO!

    Lookit me. I can do this:

    ( | )

  191. Peanut Gallery
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    A3G – I’ve figured it out. This strip takes place on a Tilt-a-Whirl.

    BGSS – Even stranger than the possible reference to Samuel Beckett’s Dream of Fair to Middling Women, I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen a comma separate a speech that goes across two panels.

  192. Mr. Yezpitelok
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Francis Hobbs (#188): Beth’s publisher can’t afford Fabio’s rates. The cover artist will have to rely on old black and white photographs of Charles Atlas.

  193. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @John Myers (#190): Just hope he doesn’t offer Beth coffee…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JANcVXHqNTI

  194. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#193): I’m pretty sure Charley Smith has art (of a sort) available for Beth’s covers.

  195. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 8th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#183):

    If you think playing ukulele
    In a boat is pretty great,
    If you’re into orange pork chops
    And carrots on a plate,
    If you like awkward conversation
    As we sit side by side,
    Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for,
    But for god’s sake, don’t tell my mother.

  196. yaoi huntress earth
    May 8th, 2013 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#66): I’m more amazed by Brooke’s inability to properly draw butts.

  197. Mr. Yezpitelok
    May 8th, 2013 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): You know it’s a sad day when Crankshaft’s title of “Crazy Bus Driver from Ohio” is usurped by some looney with a penchant for kidnapping young girls. However, I’m relieved all three young ladies are now safe at home with their familes.

    And we can thank Batiuk that he didn’t give Eduardo Crankshaft two equally crazy brothers!

    According to Chris Matthews, Ariel Castro (“Crazy Bus Driver from Ohio”) was the sole perpetrator of the kidnappings. It doesn’t mean his brothers are perfectly sane individuals, but at least they’re not crazy kidnappers.

    By the way, the Crazy Bus Driver from Ohio is actually the Crazy EX-Bus Driver from Ohio!

  198. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 8th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#197): Heh, yeah. Were you following the strip where Edda was paired with another dancer as a butt model? Yes, Edda – she whose rear end pretty much looks the same as her front.

  199. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    May 8th, 2013 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    If Beth handed Tom a ukelele and Tom immediately burst into a perfect rendition of “Living in the Sunlight” while prancing around his apartment, this strip would totally rule.

    And it would probably help establish his masculine bona fides too. Sheesh.

  200. Liam
    May 8th, 2013 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    A3G-I’m pretty sure Margo would walk out on an infant.

    Crankshaft-If she is thoughtful she’ll give you both barrels.

    FC-That’s not mud. The neighbor’s dog ran loose in the Keene’s yard.

    Gil Thorp-”If you’re not Ed McMahon with Publishers Clearinghouse then you’re not welcome.”

    Sally Forth-And sadly Ted’s imaginary friends thought he was a loser.

  201. Zerowolf
    May 8th, 2013 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    JP: Thalia’s got talking tatas. Top that one, Mark Trail.

  202. UncleJeff
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Tophat (#87): Given the rapid reproduction rate of mice, I believe Slylock is just replacing the Maxes we see with other members of the same gene pool.
    Max XXIII will soon be in the crop of the snake, and Max XIV is warming up in the bullpen.

  203. seismic-2
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: God, how he really, really hates us.

    Is it something we said?

  204. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    H-Cliff: Mr. Nutmeg is not amused. He tries to live life according to the good book, and there the First Commandment is being violated under his very roof.

    MW: Once Beth comes out and admits that her books are written like the most clichéd personal ads, it really saves you time reading them.

    C-Shaft: As a matter of fact, she did see a second hand copy of “Final Exit” on Amazon.

    9CL: This is what happens when Juliet lets Elliott’s ball-gag fall out.

    Archie: It was very thoughtful of Jughead to wear a tie with his casual sport shirt, just to make Ethel’s F-M harassment gag a little easier.

    RMMD: They build up to Milton’s medical exam and then skip over it? What is this, Apartment 3-G?

    BB: And Miss Buxley wants to see how many restraining orders she needs to fill out.

    Phantom: “Oh my God, I’d better cancel my Discover card as soon as I can!”

    SSmith: “Fair to middlin’” must be Barney’s thing. He’s way excited there. Poor Spark Plug.

    A3G: Margo defines “good” as “something that gives me a chance to bail on the conversation.”

  205. Sgt. Stoned
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#112): MW: No, I think you’re dead right…the boat is a symbol for the vagina and the ukelele is the clitoris. It’s like an Emily Dickenson poem!

  206. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#204): It’s something we would say if he allowed comments. He just knows.

  207. Liam
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#202):

    I think Mark Trail will have either a giant woodcock or a giant tit mouse.

  208. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#104):

    Oh, wait, he strums his ukelele in private.

    You did that on purpose, didn’t you?

  209. Liam
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff-At least someone is worshiping Heathcliff like his Egyptian ancestors were worshiped.

  210. ralph
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    MW: Strumming a ukulele? This is the point at which you realize that you are having dinner with a space alien who was too cheap to buy the current edition of “How to Survive Undercover On Planet Earth.” Because I really refuse to believe that MW is more current on the doings of current Dadaist alternative music than I am, even though I have zero interest in such doings.
    MW: Would it be possible for the food in this strip to be some color other than orange or salmon? At least it’s not square or round today, although it started that way.

  211. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#108): I love a good Hazlitt quote. But they are really hard to fit on a tee shirt.

    // Maybe a really big bumper sticker on an SUV or pickup truck… but that might distract from the esthetic perfection of the TruckNutz.

  212. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @ralph (#211):

    Because I really refuse to believe that MW is more current on the doings of current Dadaist alternative music than I am…

    It’s been some years since Mary Osmond performed Hugo Ball’s “Karawane” on Ripley’s

  213. tallyHO
    May 8th, 2013 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Ziggy (#191):

    If that is supposed your posterior, Ziggy, then I must say that you’re twice as biggie as one Twiggy.

    Oh, I’m sure it is all just because your are the Anti-Winnie The Pooh:

    All huffin’ and puffin’

    cuz you’re filled with factory crammed stove top stuffin’!

    When someone slights you, instead of telling them in dulcet tones that you will turn the other cheek, instead do you say how your huge ass rotates on its own every five minutes?

    Do you feel no em-bare-ass-ment for having posed for a cheeks-po-zay in the smock-u-mentary on your so-called life? It was called “The Plushy and the Sea”, right? Or am I confusing it with “Thus Spoke, Ziggy Thrust Butt”?

    But, alas, it is not my punishment to make cracks about your wide ass. No. Lo, it is my privilege to be a wise ass about your wide ass.

    Say, before I go, I thought I’d ask you something. This is a serious inquiry, Ziggy.

    I heard that your pets got together and staged an intervention. Is that right?
    They bandied together to prevent you from being able to enter your own house?

    Mean, but, in a way that is the heartwarming humor we’ve come to expect from your woebegone life. Your maudlin existence within that thin divide betwixt Comedy and Tragedy is one that is rife for mirth, lil guy. Positively Rife-ulgent.

  214. Remmy
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#52):

    My sentiments exactly – SINFEST super sucks these days. I’m waiting for the point where the artist takes it upon himself to ruin the relationship between Fuschia and Criminy.

    Also as to ZITS today: Jeremy – you are a mother fucking ass fuck ass hat.

  215. Amos Snarkadder, Curmudgeon Farm, Howling, Sussex
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#142): @Francis Hobbs (#188): If this story doesn’t end with Beth and Tom walking in the moonlight on a beach, playing a ukulele in a boat, sitting by a fire, I will be very disappointed. But with that scenario, I guess the ending would be more like a ukulele floating past a smoking oil slick in Santa Royale Bay.

  216. Doctor Bombay
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: Beth reminds me of Jerry’s girlfriend from the Seinfeld episode where she looks attractive in good light but “Yikes” in poor light.

  217. Zla'od
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: “Say, why don’t we try strumming each OTHER’S ukuleles?”

  218. Cloudbuster
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Bombay (#217): Except for the part about looking attractive in good light.

  219. ralph
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    MW: A while back I was listening to the song, “Third Rate Romance”, and I thought about the words for the first time. You meet a stranger in a bar and go to a motel. What? You’re really willing to pay good money for a place to have sex with someone whom you don’t trust or like enough to take them home and thus reveal your address? With today’s strip, Tom shows he has definitely reached that level of desperation, but the situation is worse, because afterwards these wretched people will KNOW where the other one lives, and at least one will make the other person’s life even more miserable until he/she moves out at 3 a.m. I would say Tom and Beth deserve each other, but at this point Tom definitely wins the “most appalling prospective boy friend who is probably not actually a serial killer” award.

  220. Liam
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    MW-”But I hate those things, Tom. I said if I was a character in a romance novel I would say that I like those things.”

  221. Ziggy
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#214): That thing about my pets is totally true.

    I’ll be over to your place later to spend the night. This will be your opportunity to see what I wear instead of pants.

  222. Dale
    May 8th, 2013 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    LUANN

    The sign isn’t on the door and it has an arrow pointing down the hall.
    From Bernice’s expression, someone should have kept that door locked.

    Why does she keep spreading the grease around?
    Don’t all teenagers have a credit card so they can buy a change of clothes whenever they feel the need?

  223. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#223): And why couldn’t she have borrowed Delta’s clean shirt, at least?

  224. Mr. Yezpitelok
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#223): Too bad the job isn’t in a nudist colony, Bernice. Especially
    since your farmer’s tan would make you stand out in a crowd of job seekers…

    The term “albino blowfish” comes to mind!

  225. Marc
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#223): Luann: There is clearly someone sitting in a boat, strumming a ukulele behind that door. Although I was under the impression that was Bernice’s thing.

  226. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Meh — And they say the Kingpin’s head shrank three hat sizes that day.

  227. Emily Dickenson
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#206): I hide my ukulele within my boat, that strumming something out, you unsuspecting strum me too – and Penthouse knows the rest.

  228. mary_worthless
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

  229. mary_worthless
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, Curmudgeon Farm, Howling, Sussex (#216):
    Another episode for Wendy’s “I’m Alive…and I shouldn’t be” or whatever his new gig is.

  230. mary_worthless
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#200): More like “Tiptoe Through the Tulips”

  231. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @Emily Dickenson (#228):

    Because I could not strum for Beth,
    She kindly strummed for me,
    My kitchen held but beige pork chops,
    And a Gibson ukulele.

  232. Droopy Says
    May 8th, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#202): “Thalia’s Talking Tatas” wouldn’t make a good band name, but if their records come out on LPs, most of us would buy an album.

  233. Amos Snarkadder, Curmudgeon Farm, Howling, Sussex
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#232): *applause*applause*
    Take a bow, sir!

  234. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

  235. Dale
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#224):

    LUANN

    On 5/4 I suggested that Bernice would ask Delta to swap clothes. I really wanted that to happen because the response would be, at best, impolite and uncooperative.

  236. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @Remmy (#215): +1 to both.

    Fyoosh and Criminy are one of the few things keeping me reading at the moment.

    Although, TBH, “teenagers are self-centered ass-hats” is a fairly common trope in Zits, right along with “parents are clueless.” Today’s example just was further over the line than most.

  237. Baka Gaijin
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Bombay (#217): So which light does she look good in? Good light ain’t doin’ it.

    @mary_worthless (#230): Yeah, what ever happened with that? Did Wilbur parlay his 15 seconds of fame into a lucrative Hellman’s spokesperson role?

    @Droopy Says (#233): I think I saw her at a strip club in Amsterdam. Another act was the human tape measure.

  238. Sequitur
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    I like taking moonlit walks on the beach, strumming a ukulele in a boat, and sitting by the fire! ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

  239. J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    Caesar, Josh. Thought you were a classicist.

  240. Roger Ln
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m familiar with the first two slang terms there, but what does “sitting by the fire” mean in a sexual context?

  241. demoncat
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    mw but what about after that what else beth tom wants to ask but is happy enough to know he may have found the one now .

  242. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Roger Ln (#241): Surely you’re familiar with the practice of erotic fart lighting.

  243. Sequitur
    May 8th, 2013 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#243): Yes. That’s what scented candles are for.

  244. Sequitur
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    Light a fart, read a Ripley’s!

    THAI NGOC, a 70-year-old farmer from Trung Ha Village, Vietnam, claims that he hasn’t slept since THE 1970s!

    He just can’t fall asleep without the soothing sounds of war lulling him to dreamland.

  245. lawn
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    FW: Pierce? As in Lisa was Pierced and out popped Darin? Hahaha, what irony!

  246. Peanut Gallery
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @Roger Ln (#241):
    My grandma and your grandma
    Sittin’ by the fire
    My grandma says to your grandma
    I’m gonna set your flag on fire

    After that, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

  247. Droopy Says
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#66): FW: Now Batiuk’s stealing gags from old Looney Tunes shorts. At least he plagiarizes the best.

    I think Mel Brooks used that gag in “Silent Movie,” too. This may require further investigation, as befits a serious artiste of Tom Batiuk’s stature. Future generations shall marvel at his power to take mere humor and elevate it into a bleak, morose, soul-draining work of High Art.

  248. Peanut Gallery
    May 8th, 2013 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#232):

    Hope is the thing with orange glop
    That perches in the boat,
    And strums the uke on moonlit walks,
    Just to get Tom’s goat.

  249. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Remmy (#214): …as to ZITS today: Jeremy – you are a mother fucking ass fuck ass hat.

    There’s always mañana!

  250. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#249): i imagine all remmy will have to do for tomorrow’s ‘zits’ is rearrange the last six words of today’s comment

  251. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @lawn (#245): “Pierce” is also the name of one of Jeremy’s friends in Zits.

  252. commodorejohn
    May 8th, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    You know what I really, really want? I want this to mean that Karen Moy is about to double down on the ridiculousness of this whole affair, and we will immediately cut to Tom and Beth sitting in a boat and while Tom strums the ukulele and warbles, with the “Moy + Giella” box instead reading “WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, PEONS?”

    Please? I’ve been very good this year!

  253. Droopy Says
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    The Asinine Spiderman: So how did DullDevil know he had to act like a zombie, when the hypno-gas was as fake as the rest of this story? Was he using Spider-logic, which says “The best choice is o do absolutely nothing?”

    Funky’s Flunkies: “Okay, dad, can I borrow the car tonight? And can you explain how I got blond hair, exactly like my wife’s, when both you and Dead Fucking Biomom aren’t at all blonde?”

    Family Circus: Cripes, Thel, where’s the fork?

    Mark Trail: Yes, Mark, accidents happen. I just hope Shelley was careful about fingerprints.

    Phantom: “The man in the mask! H-He’ll come after me!” With your ability to leap tall logic in a single bound, why do you need an airplane?

    Pluggers: If Pluggers pressed a “Spam” button, they’d want to know why they didn’t get a mouthful of something fattening.

  254. Mr. O'Malley
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    @ralph (#219): I think the couple in “Third Rate Romance” are supposed to be married (to other people).

  255. Bob WeberJr
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#202):
    Reminds me of a letter I got from a young reader several years ago pointing out the numerous times Max was surely killed. He asked if Max is a Cylon.

  256. Lisa J
    May 8th, 2013 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    Why is everyone in the Mary-Worthiverse so relentlessly unattractive? Are bad haircuts and ugly clothes the law? Of course, that would explain why they’re also so relentlessly single.

  257. commodorejohn
    May 9th, 2013 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    @Bob WeberJr (#255): Oh, I like the way that kid thinks!

  258. Baka Gaijin
    May 9th, 2013 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    Thursday’s Early Comments

    Dolly Keane has the dietary instincts of a Plugger and the matching slim physique, too.

    Over in Luann-land, what a twist. I am like sooo surprised. Shocked even. I’m glad I was sitting down when I read it; I swooned from the astonishment. I almost fainted dead away, like Spiderman and a brick or a drainpipe. So shocked.

    I’m still waiting for the cat on a Roomba wearing a shark outfit to zip around Tom’s apartment. I’ve overheard fifth grade romances that were more passionate than these two adults.

    Watch it Barney. With anger the Goo-Goo-Googley goes out of your eyes.

    The second panel of Jump Start. The girl reminded me of Little Lulu. I don’t know why.

    “Is it serious, Lu Ann?” Margo asks. Of course it is. In America, you’re out of the hospital within the same day or as soon as you’re able to sign the discharge papers.

    // One of the big surprises living in Europe is how long they want to keep you in the hospital versus American standards of care. Drives me barmy.

  259. Huckleberry Fink
    May 9th, 2013 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith: As any dummy knows, parfume is made from PARSNIPS.

  260. Droopy Says
    May 9th, 2013 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    As a note to TRMT, I’m enjoying the story. Granted, it may not be going in the Adams-Family direction I’d like to imagine, and the explanation for leaving the plane could have been more detailed, but you’ve got me reading it in a non-ironic way. And your artwork is a joy to behold.

  261. Huckleberry Fink
    May 9th, 2013 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  262. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    May 9th, 2013 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    MW: When Tom hears Beth say that she likes “fun” he immediately gets a painful erection, hence his awkward response as he tries to shift in his seat to lessen the pain. The spike in his testosterone causes his chin to lengthen three full inches, as he morphs slightly into a caveman.

  263. Huckleberry Fink
    May 9th, 2013 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke: “Mad? I’ll show you MAD!”

    Marmaduke’s cross-eyed look gets ‘em every time!

  264. ralph
    May 9th, 2013 at 5:17 am [Reply]

    9CL This really is a hilarious strip at times. I find myself today actually laughing WITH the old guy, instead of my usual laughing (or swearing) AT all the characters. Sixties? The old guy looks pretty good for someone who is apparently in full retirement. And speaking of retirement, is there any actual farming going on at Juliette’s “farm”? Ever wonder that so many characters on the comics page have no apparent means of support? Ever wonder that so many women in “contemporary” strips are stay-at-home moms? Do you even know any stay-at-home moms? .

  265. gleeb
    May 9th, 2013 at 5:55 am [Reply]

    Slylock: Must be a charter school.

    3-G: Or that she could not care less about him, and doesn’t know much about his condition.

    Barney Google: Having long past stolen his comic strip, Snuffy cannot contain his contempt for the erstwhile protagonist.

    ‘bean: Never mind that Frank’s card had no number on it. Durwood has one of them magical gizmo phones. That explains it.

    Thalia’s Grift!: That’s it, ease off a bit. Let the mark bring up the question of what she can do to help.

    June Morgan, RN: Hey, Milton’s just your husband. It’s not like he’s the mayor.

    Spidey: Kingpin’s gettin’ some blowback from his confrontational management style.

    Thorp: Maybe the plaintiff is a professional shrugger.

    Pluggers: …long to kill by remote control.

  266. LP2004
    May 9th, 2013 at 6:19 am [Reply]

    @ralph (#264): Yes, I know a few stay-at-home moms. I’m married to one, as it happens.

  267. Wanion
    May 10th, 2013 at 3:36 am [Reply]

    Is Mary Worth turning out to be some weird Chick Tract where Tom thought Beth was a dude all along? Or is it just that unexplained Paul Lynde impression he’s doing in panel two?

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