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I see death by paper cuts in Tom’s future

Mary Worth, 5/23/13

Uh oh! Looks like our Worthian lovebirds, who were going to get around to telling Elinor about their hot sexing any day now, are about to find out that the coverup is always worse than the crime, now that Elinor has been clued in by Random Charterstone Nosey Old Lady #4. I am 100% in love with the shouty orthography in Marie’s word balloon in panel one, as she throws elder solidarity to the wind and assumes Elinor must be deaf, not betrayed.

Gil Thorp, 5/23/13

Oh, wow, I take back what I said about Gil Thorp not being nuts anymore, since Gil has apparently decided to convene a kangaroo court right here on the bleachers and impose Coach Law on his charges. Even if Jimmy’s dad loses everything in the lawsuit in the so-called courts of the so-called United States and Jimmy becomes poor and homeless, Coach doesn’t want to hear any jawing about it, because we already settled this in the gym, guys.

Family Circus, 5/23/13

Ha ha, for once I find Billy’s smug, sullen little slouch is perfect. “Hey, sis, they’re called shoes, you might want to look into ’em.”

282 responses to “I see death by paper cuts in Tom’s future”

  1. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: “BTOOOM” is also the celebrity name for Mary Worth’s Beth Kinley and Tom Harpman.

    Hägar the Horrible: Hägar is unschooled in the ways of civilization — including the ability to write down his thoughts and feelings. Or affix his name to a legally binding document. Is that the joke within a joke?

  2. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    AS-M: I feel sorry for the hundreds of drowned tourists on the former island of Alcatraz; the City of San Francisco, which has lost a beloved landmark; and indeed, for the whole nation, which has lost an irreplaceable piece of its history today, but my heart really goes out to J. Jonah Jameson who could not be there to see Spider-Man finally move over into the menace column in the eyes of all America.

    MW: Bwah! Why haven’t we met Marie de la Coiffure before? You’re been holding out on us, Moy!

    Phantom: Wah-waaaah!

  3. sporknpork
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    It’s funnier if you imagine Dolly singing “Proud Mary.”

  4. Marc
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    Family Circus- Judging from the ground around them, are we sure Dolly didn’t actually step on a land mine?

  5. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    A3G-So Peter Russo is no longer the governor?

    FC-Dolly then stomps on Billy’s foot.

    JP-”It’s not right in this family to give money way. It is expected for money to be given to us.”

    MW-”How dare that brazen little hussy cheat on me!”

    MT-The cub that was behind the mother bear and nowhere near Cherry and Shelley.

  6. Chyron HR
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    Oh, so Leftists don’t go around kicking rocks with their bare feet, is that what you’re saying?!

  7. nescio
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    Is everyone else imagining Jeffy lying on the ground just outside the left side of the panel, holding his face where Dolly kicked it?

  8. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    MW— Marie and Elinor: The Crone Jewels of Charterstone.

  9. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    I see Random Charterstone Nosey Old Lady #4 is busy sniffing the CHANEL #5 she applied to her fingers. It’s the tried and true method for getting through a conversation with the feculent Elinor Kinley.

  10. Nekrotzar
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    Spiegelman’s definition of comics includes the term ‘sequential art’ because he feels that one of the fundamental aspects of the form is the sequential, chronological passage of time. The second panel of Gil Thorpe, introduced by the words ‘But First,’ is a direct attack on this foundation and must be destroyed.

  11. Mibbitmaker
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    GT: And if some lawyers arrive about the “results” of the “trial”, possibly with a court order, Gil can tell them about how everything’s all settled. Good luck with that one, Coach People’s Court! (quite a ways to go just to be rid of an annoying topic there)

    MW: Marie is what Mary would be if the strip had the sense to see Mary as bad. Mary – Marie…. coincidence, no(?)

    FC: “I have a list, Billy…. and you’re on it!”

    PCity: That’s it, Stantis. Pose as a left-winger, then the IRS can’t go after you.

    Glibporn:

    FW: Next thing you know, we’ll discover that date-rapist dad — gasp!watches TV!

    RMMD: “In space, no one can hear you reposess!

    *(Glibporn: Only an awkward silence can be an apt response to this…. thing.)

  12. Francis Hobbs
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#9): …or maybe “Nosy” is trying to remember if she washed her hands after taking her morning dump.

  13. Ned Ryerson
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    RMMD: See, Milton was just grousing about issues he was going to discuss on the conference call. He wasn’t endeavoring to redesign the whole thing right there in the den!

    Wait, he’s selling this thing to the Turkish?? Good luck collecting from those deadbeats!

  14. pugfuggly
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    MT Since I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to get your own hand in a position like that, why is busybody lady shoving her mail in Elinor’s face? “Hey, my son the pig farmer sent me a letter! Here, Elinor, smell!”

    GT Tomorrow, on Gil Thorp: “‘Kill the coach! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!’”

    FC “Anyhow, we’ve got a really great show tonight, my guests will be actor Tony Randall and Dr Joyce Brothers…”

  15. wossname
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    MW – Charterstone Condominium, the gem of Santa Royale, offers such high-end amenities as mailboxes the size of high school lockers! (Or, wait, is Giella just having that annoying problem with perspective again?)

    A S-M – “IT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL DAMP IN HERE!” Really??? I regret to note that Dr. Lauren has started talking the same stupid Stan-Lee-speak that SM and DD do.

  16. Roto13
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    I’m reading today’s Mary Worth as though Marie is being sarcastic and now she’s my new favourite character. “Did I stutter, bitch? Are you DEAF? YOU! MUST! BE! GLAD! THAT! BETH! HAS! A! BOYFRIEND! YOU! OLD! BAT! I have had it up to HERE with this shit!”

  17. Mumblix Grumph
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    FC: You want sympathy, hon? It’s in the dictionary between syphilis and suicide.

  18. Little Blue Bicycle
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    In Soviet Family Circus, toe stubs you.

  19. Mibbitmaker
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    GT: “I can do this, students — this is, among other things, a basketball COURT! ……Right…?”

  20. Ned Ryerson
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#15): “IT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL DAMP IN HERE!”

    That’s what she said!…..Oh, wait. Damn, she actually said that.

  21. Drewbear
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth I’m constantly amazed at how matchy-matchy these people’s clothes are. Elinor, you do NOT wear a scarf the same color as your blouse-jacket-thing, much less a matching cane! Heidi Klum would not approve.

    Gil Thorp “Yes, the girl I’m interested in has injured herself, possibly grievously! Now’s my chance to make my move!”

  22. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-”And if I hear anymore of this lawsuit I will kill you and burn the gym down like I did with the tattoo parlor and it’s owner.”

  23. seismic-2
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Milton is selling this piece-of-junk satellite to Turkey? Does the satellite cause garage doors to open there, and does it transmit spam messages over the Internet to comics Web sites when it does?

  24. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    @Chyron HR (#6): *snrk!*

  25. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    9CL: Or, you could just go have sex with Sven. Wouldn’t that work? I saw an article the other day White Lies Women Tell To Get Laid.* I thought it was the strangest thing. Example: “Forget sex, let’s just cuddle.” Really? Women, these are guys. If you want to get laid, all you have to do is say “I want to get laid!” Women make things so difficult!

    // * The article is not aimed at people with inner beauty.

  26. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Holy hell, this is just disturbing.

  27. Jack Scat
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    Family Circus. I would rather imagine that Dolly is deftly using her foot launch a Chinese throwing star as Billy’s groin. Notice Dolly’s closed eyes of concentration worthy of a Shaolin monk and necessary to perform such a martial arts feat.

  28. Hibbleton
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    FC: I hear you, Dolly. Older brothers can be real pricks sometimes.

    RMMD: Poor Milton. Still screaming about a deal that went sour twenty years ago. Seeing contracts in the plain, white napkin Heather laid out for his breakfast.

  29. Dono
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “Wait a minute. Let me turn my handful of mail so that it faces the other way. OK, now I’m ready. Glad is not the word for it!”

  30. Illustrator Steve
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    MT – Mark sees an opportunity to impress Wes with his casting skills and save the girls at the same time…
    “Five bucks says I can cast this killer lure of mine right into that grizzly’s throat, Wes.”
    “Make it ten and your on, Trail!”

  31. Dennis Jimenez
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    MW – When Pat Paulson met Alexander Hamilton – an historic moment….

    GT – Panel One – Darcy needs me! And I won’t have to wank-off like this again tonight….

    FC – As a wise man once said, Kicks just keep gettin’ harder to find….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  32. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    ASM: After causing Alcatraz to sink into San Francisco Bay, Spidey faces his most formidable opponent yet: the National Park Service!

    MW: Boy, when Elinor is angry, that testosterone really kicks in, doesn’t it?

    JP: In a surprising twist, this week’s award for “Most Realistic Exchange Between a Rational Adult and an Impulsive Young Woman” goes to Sam Driver and Neddy Spencer!

  33. Mikey
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    MW-Elinor the Shape Shifter has morphed into Canoe Paddlin’ Wes in panel 1 today. “I said CHECK. YOUR. AREA!!”

  34. Dennis Jimenez
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#18): In the Italian Family Circus, the toe snubs you….

  35. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#26): it’s the contrast between mc e’s “refined, artistic” and “cruel, exploitative” sides that makes it so disturbing, i think

  36. Alter Ego
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    love is… giving him a graphic illustration of what you will do to him if he doesn’t obey his mistress.

    love is… not getting mad at him for breaking your favorite bong.

    love is… like walking on broken glass in your bare feet. (Hey, kids, they’re called shoes, you might want to look into ‘em.)

    I’m sorry if I’m bogarting all the good love is snark today. I got up early.

  37. dmsilev
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    I hope those two have hall passes, otherwise they’re headed for detention once a teacher sees them gossiping in front of the lockers in the middle of third period.

  38. Crankenstank
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    That Princess magic wand sticking out of your foot might have something to do with your pain, Dolly.

  39. revenge4Aldo
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    MW: “I.SAID.YOU.MUST.BE.GLAD.SOMEONE.IS.SCHTUPPING.BETH!”

  40. NonnyMus
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    It’s always the hands which defeat Uncle Joe Giella (Mary Worth). He usually gets the size right – not like Shelley’s little doll hands in Mark Trail – but it’s the proper placement which puzzles him. Or maybe he couldn’t find appropriate clip art and just said, “Fuck it.”

    Just try to put your hands in the same position as Elinor’s hand in the second panel and you’ll see what I mean – her left hand is in front of her right shoulder holding the letters at an impossible angle!

  41. terrapin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    @nescio (#7):Ha ha! I am now! Thank you!

  42. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    9CL: featuring implied turtle sexual assault.

    HotC: well, by golly, I’m sure glad the bucket was labeled so I knew what it was!!!

    Lio: ok, Mr. Tatulli, you are forgiven. *saved*

    SBp: points for concept and execution.

    Zits: hovercrafts don’t work that way. [*]

    JP: Neddy uses Glare, it’s not very effective.

    JUMBLE: “Revolting Development” doesn’t fit.

    OBH: *SNURK!* o, that’s a sick burn!

    RwO: *snikker* nice try, somewhat amusing, but iJokes are kinda over.

  43. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . .clearly a metaphor for losing her virginity to a two-pump chump.

  44. getafix
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    I’ve never seen Marie at a Charterstone pool party. Is she also a newcomer? I just hope she has some issue that Mary can help solve in the future!

  45. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: “You can’t handle the truth! Gents, we live in a world that has sports, and playdowns, and those activities have to be guarded by coaches. Who’s gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.”

  46. seismic-2
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    FC: Dolly will remember this moment, and 7 or 8 years from now, after they’ve dropped, Billy will have occasion to shout: “Mommy! Dolly stubbed my balls!”

  47. Voshkod
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    They all thought it was cute, maybe even a little clever, when Coach Thorpe started letting disputes on his team be settled in a fake “court.” Three executions later, when Thorpe was sitting in the principal’s chair and his “jury” was running the school, they finally understood their mistake.

  48. TheDiva
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    GT: So Gil Thorp stages a trial between the wannabe-lawyer who’s alienated his entire team, and the poor kid who’s borne the brunt of his insufferable ego. All this will prove is the importance of selecting an impartial jury.

    MW: Elinor grimly clutches her mail and storms towards Tom’s apartment. Later police would describe the scene as “probably the first double homicide by paper cut in the history of the world.”

  49. Droopy Says
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#30): Mark must be carrying the rifle he salvaged from the plane. He’s obviously brought it along for just this situation: how do you ferry four people and two bears across a lake, without anyone getting eaten? Simple: shoot everyone who won’t fit in the canoe on the first trip. Sorry, Cherry, you should have kept your rifle!

  50. Dennis Jimenez
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#49): She could’a shot momma bear right in the can….

  51. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#36):

    That’s alright. I’ve got nothing for “Love Is” today

  52. UnclGhost
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    I like to think that that’s “Marie Worthe”, a thinly veiled knockoff of Mary that the owners of Mary Worth won the legal rights to a few decades ago, and are now legally obligated to use every 15 years or they’ll lose the rights and then anyone would be able to make comics about Marie Worthe and her adventures in Charterston.

  53. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Love Is-Being mad that he didn’t black out when you broke the vase over his head.

  54. Marc
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#30): The Rod Bassey lure: not just for fishing anymore …

  55. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    MW-”That can’t be. Beth is an Orthodox Lesbian like me.”

  56. Mikey
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    FW-Lenny is still getting whiter every day. You got the Casper Cancer Lenny!

  57. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

  58. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#25): And here I thought that article was “Lies White Women Tell To Get Laid”…

  59. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “Don”t yell! Just send a letter!”

  60. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

  61. TheDiva
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    9CL: I’m not even sure there’s a name for a freezing-cold woman fetish, but now I know Brooke has one.

    A3G: I have to admit, LuAnn’s got some hidden depths. I expected her innermost thoughts to be variations on “I like bunnies…”

    C’shaft: It’s hoary cartoon cliches all the way down.

    FW: “Well, that is to say I don’t read the bad books….”

    Luann: Because if there’s one thing teenagers have no interest in, it’s going to prom.

    Marvin: Marvin is wearing a red shirt, yay!

    Pibgorn: Please tell me this is one of those “outsider art” things done by someone who’s safely confined in a mental institution.

    SM: Dammit, nobody told Spidey that was a load-bearing electrical panel!

  62. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#59): my biddy, she wrote me a letter. *music notes*

  63. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

  64. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#9) said: “I see Random Charterstone Nosey Old Lady #4 is busy sniffing the CHANEL #5 she applied to her fingers. It’s the tried and true method for getting through a conversation with the feculent Elinor Kinley.”

    Or, as Nehemiah Scudder would say, “the refeculent Elinor Kinley.”

    Personally, I prefer “the effeculent Elinor Kinley.”

  65. Chip Whittle
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Oh, great, Crankshaft is giving us the homunculus problem, plus it’s Crankshaft.

  66. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: If you took today’s dialogue and peppered it with authentic Hootin’ Holler gibberish, you would have a perfect setup for the second panel, with Loweezy delivering the “Glad ain’t the word fer it!” as she and Elviney stare at each other with their tongues hanging out.

  67. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#63): I keep meaning to look for a proper “upper crust” bulldog pic for you. ;-)

  68. Rusty
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Billy’s starting to look like a young Peter Griffin.

  69. Little Guy
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#y206): Lisa is played by, of course, by Stacey Dash.

  70. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    @UnclGhost (#52): I was wondering what had happened to Marie Worthe! It was in the middle of a storyline about soup-obsessed Wiltrud Wetstone and the daughter she never knew she had when it was abruptly pulled from my neighborhood bulletin! We never did find out if Kora Ivans ever went back to her family in downtown Sanktulo Re?a!

  71. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

  72. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#71): Oh, he cuts quite a dashing figure!

  73. Digger
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    MW: “I said YOU. MUST. BE. GLAD. THAT. your butt-ugly daughter BETH. HAS. A. BOYFRIEND.

  74. Jim in Wisc.
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Melonhead Circus: Wow, Billy sure is a little asshole, isn’t he?

    Blandie: Judging by the bulge in his cheek, I’d say Ol’ Dag has shoved an entire “Goo Goo Cluster” in his maw and is holding a second one in his hand. So much for “willpower.”

    Loser-Ann: Let me guess, Mr. Evans … in a surprising vote, Gunther and Rosa will be elected prom king and queen. Yeah, your foreshadowing is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the head. Of course, if you wanted to make your strip truly edgy, you’d have the two of them get into a catfight over exactly which one is the “queen.”

    Rapey Cancerstrokebean: To whomever called it that Frankie-the-Rapist was going to make a competing version of “Lisa’s Story,” I give you a tip o’ the ol’ Halto hat!

  75. Marc
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth- WHAT DOES A YELLOW LIGHT MEAN?

  76. Chip Whittle
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    The Phantom lost track of a hot-air balloon in front of him? I’m not sure which hurts worse, that fact or that The Ghost Who Glances Away Some realizes that somewhere, Peter Parker is snickering about how much better he is at watching stuff.

  77. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-I knew it.

  78. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Bigtortureporn: Again, does Gocomics even look at this stuff?

    FW: We know Frankie’s a jerk. That was established when he pumped and dumped saint Lisa in the 1970′s. Now it has to be shown again?

    Luann: slacker-boi and the goth queen might have shown up at the prom because it would have been ‘ironic’ and all. Who would Tiffany take as a date? How odd is it that Gunther and Rosa are the most normal teenagers of this crowd.

    9CL: Maybe they WILL get hypothermia and pass out and drown. We can always hope.

  79. Chip
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    MW: Marie knows FULL WELL that she is letting the cat out of the bag! You can tell by the way she’s relishing every word, as indicated by the punctuation: “YOU. MUST. BE. HAPPY….”

    In other news, the English-speaking colorist in Ziggy’s Korean sweat shop must have had the day off!

  80. Amos Snarkadder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MW: “Glad is not the word for it.!”

    No? Then how about:
    Synonyms 
    blissful, chuffed [British], delighted, gratified, happy, joyful, joyous, pleased, satisfied, thankful, tickled
    Related Words 
    beaming, blithe, blithesome, buoyant, cheerful, cheery, gay, gladsome, lighthearted, sunny, upbeat; gleeful, jocund, jolly, jovial, laughing, merry, mirthful, smiling; beatific, ecstatic, elated, enraptured, entranced, euphoric, exhilarated, intoxicated, rapturous, rhapsodic (also rhapsodical); exuberant, exultant, jubilant, rapt, rejoicing, thrilled; hopeful, optimistic, rosy, sanguine

    I’m sure there’s something in that list that you can use to express yourself!

  81. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-”Yes! The girl that I’m stalking and doesn’t want anything to do with me has hurt herself. This is a great opportunity for me to force my way into her life and have her realize how much I mean to her.”

  82. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#80):

    I’m blissful, chuffed [British], delighted, gratified, happy, joyful, joyous, pleased, satisfied, thankful and tickled that “refulgent” wasn’t in that list.

  83. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    SF: Are Ted and Ralph becoming good buds? That’ll snap Sally out of her mellow mood.

  84. Mikey
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @Chip (#79): Probably just red/green color blindness…

  85. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    MW Reduz: Eleanor will no doubt do something vilely manipulative to break up the couple, but how far is she willing to go? Fake an illness? Intentionally break a hip? Pull a Dominique Venner at the next pool party?

  86. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: “Margo would never stub her own toe!”

  87. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    GA: Slim comes back to life as the alien flying saucer exits the subject that extraterrestrials had used to discover the inner workings and hidden mechanisms of human life forms.

    Unfortunately, all their data will be skewed since they used Slim as a subject.

  88. Droopy Says
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#74): I don’t see how Frankie and Lenny can make a competing version of the DFL Story. The rights to the story were optioned by Big-Name Cable Company, so making their owb version would violate copyright laws, as even Batiuk must know . . . oh. I see your point. Batiuk’s ignorance is like the Godwin’s Law of snark.

  89. Garage Door Ankara
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#23):

    Seksiyonel Garaj Kapıları Sandvic panellerle imal edilmektedir. Garaj kapıları dengeleme yayları ile dengelenmiş olup el ile rahatlıkla açılıp kapatılabilir. Aracınızdan inmeden kapınızı açıp kapatma konforuna sahip olmak istiyorsanız uzaktan kumandalı bir motor sistemi kullanabilirsiniz.

    Yakında: uzaktan etkinleştirme ile uydu izleme!

  90. Calico
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Snuf – wow, didn’t someone say something yesterday about Snuffy and Lukey having sex, but only if Lukey gets to wear the mule suit? This is pretty close…

    MW “Glad isn’t the word for it – and I’ve changed into Chris Walken, again! Plus my hands and fingers are on backwards!”

    I wonder if Dagwood knows he can vote for “Dude Food” as the next Ben & Jerry’s flavor! (The return of) White Russian, but with little malt bowling balls!
    : D

    MT – OMG, that last panel is simply amazing.

    Curtis – A honky? Come on, Curtis, you can say it.

  91. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Dammit! You guys! I was just about to install the Ikea bookshelves today!

    Apt. 3-G: “If someone loved me the way Greg loves Margo, I’d never give up on him.” It’s “I’d never give him up or let him go”! Lu Ann Powers: too dumb to even rickroll the senior citizens.

    Snuffy Smith: “Just cut Lex Luthor a check” comes to Hootin’ Holler, in the guise of chicken suits that will forever haunt my dreams.

    Blondie: Since when does Dagwood care about unnecessary calories? Either his patrician background is showing through his disdain for Goo-Goo Clusters (the Tupelo, Mississippi of candy), or we’re all the way through the looking glass here, people.

    9 Chickweed Lane: I like the blue.

    God, what a load of crap.

    The Family Circus: В Советской России, ноги окурки Вас!

    Henry: Actual.

    Mark Trail: For Cherry’s look of mute horror and despair in that last panel TRMT deserves our thanks and praise. Tomorrow, of course, we’ll discover that her last thoughts before being devoured by the bear were: “Goddammit! Mark told me that grizzlies HATE the smell of real maple syrup!”

    Mary Worth: “GLAD is not the word for it! SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED, that’s the phrase I’m looking for! It took me forever to unjumble it!”

    Pibgorn: That’s it. If he goes into bullshit religious symbolism, I’m tapping out. And trust me: I read Sinfest. I know from bullshit religious symbolism.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Swarthy space-going bastards! Don’t they know the bags of cash go in our laps before we do anything to earn them? How are we supposed to keep up with the Parkers like this?!

    Given what the fanbase of unironic Shoe readers looks like, this may be the most appropriate punchline you’ll read all day.[*]

    Thought #1 on reading Ziggy: Well, this is an unwelcome political note in an otherwise decidedly unworldly strip. Thought #2: The joke would work better if Ziggy’s “green” car wasn’t red. Thought #3: No, it wouldn’t.

    Zippy the Pinhead: Phyllis Diller buys Kix?

  92. Calico
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @Garage Door Ankara (#89):
    Chduenfghszzz ehw mfffzzztplikrtnnnnn ne w oix! Fzzzzrrpppptz.
    Ia! Ia!
    “Garage Door Ankara” would be an interesting band name.

  93. Calico
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#2):
    I don’t remember who wrote “Hair-do and the Hater” as describing Elinor and the hair curler lady, but it so reminds me of the title of an old Genesis song – “Can-Utility and the Coastliners.”

    “Purple Lady and the Pool-Partiers”

  94. Mikey
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#88): What’s DFL again? Dead Fucking Lisa?

  95. Dale
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    When I was of tree-climbing age, large (standing) trees didn’t have branches this close to the ground. Does this have something to do with a sinking water table?

    It’s FRACKING! No wonder even the LAKE is on fire!

  96. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @Garage Door Ankara (#89): Do you know the words to “In A Turkish Town”?

  97. Uncle Lumpy
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#94):

    Yup. Middle word usually italicized.

  98. Advanced Garage Technology Yerevan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Garage Door Ankara (#89): Այն է, որ լավագույն դուք կարող եք անել. Դուք կարող եք հալածեն եւ ճնշել ամբողջ էթնիկ խմբեր, բայց դուք չեք կարող պարզել, թե ինչպես բացել ավտոտնակ դուռը, օգտագործելով iPhone. Եվ սա էլ թող ձեզ մեջ եվրոյի գոտում.

  99. blah
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    “Glad is not the word for it. ‘Elderly Nicholas Cage’ is.”

  100. Calico
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @Roto13 (#16):
    LOL! Senokot time…

  101. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#y315): Gas O’Leak Alley — The cloud of fumes* from “Stinkybean” has drifted into the Old Comics Home and caused Slim to pass out. While 1950s Rex Morgan works frantically to revive him, Old Doc Yak waits in the wings.

    Tomorrow’s strip: Hairless Joe and Lonesome Polecat (“Li’l Abner”) attempt to save the day with a freshly distilled batch of Kickapoo Joy Juice. To cure Slim… must they first kill him?

    *From Frankie’s feculent farts!

    Don’t get your hopes up. Scancarelli brought in some palooka to save Slim’s worthless life at the last minute.

  102. Garage Door Ankara
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#96):

    Hayır, ama ben sahte olacak birkaç bar uğultu halinde.

  103. terrapin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    MW: “No! I can’t allow that! Beth must be a virgin when I sacrifice her to Cthulhu!

    MT: Back in the canoe I hope the men are thinking “Idiots! Let them burn.” But they won’t be. They’ll think running up a tree in a burning forrest is a perfectly logical thing to do, and there will be no repercussions for not making sure their fire was out.

  104. Dennis Jimenez
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#92): Havin’ My Garage Door – by Paul Ankara….

  105. Alter Ego
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

  106. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Garage Door Ankara (#102): A little off key, but acceptable. Is that what you plan to sing on “The Voice”?

  107. Jim in Wisc.
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#88): He could do it from his perspective. Reveal “unknown” information. Claim DFL was a real whore who did the entire Big Walnut Tech football team. In one night. Something like that. Of course, since we’re dealing with Batiuk’s superior storytelling skills here, it’ll just be part of a long con. FtR has no intention of actually making a film. It’s just an attempt to get Less to shell out a big pile of hush money to keep FtR from making his version of “Dead Fucking Lisa’s Story.”

  108. Garage Door Ankara
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

  109. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#58): I started composing a post imagining what those lies would be, but it quickly became too dirty even for CC.

  110. Jim in Wisc.
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#107): Oh, and I still stand by my prediction that FtR’s whole plan will collapse when Less produces DFL Tape #666, “This One is For When Frankie-the-Rapist, Who Fathered My Son by Raping Me, Shows Up.”

  111. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#61): …freezing cold woman fetish… Perkophilia!

  112. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#85): (I’d better say this quickly, before our new Garage-Door Overlords start censoring us.)

    I’m voting for “hysterical pregnancy.” Elinor will claim that Charlie Smith is the father.

  113. Advanced Garage Technology Yerevan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Garage Door Ankara (#108): Չանի այս ձեր մայրը Luann Degroot եւ ձեր Հայրը է սեխ գլուխը.

  114. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    FW: Oddly, no matter how despicable and smirky Batiuk makes Frank (and nobody does smirky like Batiuk!), I can’t summon up any sympathy for Josie and Derwood.

  115. Kinghasnoclothes
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Fracking Wonderbean: Naw, I got nothing to say until this storyline catches up to where the readers already are and have been since–oh–a week ago.

  116. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#110): Not that such a tape would be admissible in court. Even Dead Fucking Lisa Lawyer would know that.

  117. Baka Gaijin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#1) on Spiderman: “Bleagh!” is another celebrity name for the loving pair.

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#8): COTW contender!

    @Huckleberry Fink (#9): I had to look up the word “feculent.” Synonym: “Marvin-scented.”

    @TheDiva (#61) on Luann: So true.

  118. Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom)
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    MW: OooooohHH! Elinor is going to cook up some old biddy type of revenge on Beth. Furthermore, her face really does become more masculine when she’s mad. Sock him in the junk, Elinor!

    Luann: Rosa is drawn like something out of the codex highlighting the Cortes’ conquest of Mexico.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Tlaxcala

  119. Dagger
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Speaking of court cases, I wonder if Mark Trail is going to sue Gil Thorp for unauthorized use of his flesh eyes.

  120. Baka Gaijin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Tell us, The Real Mark Trail, tell us that just off-panel the bear cub is re-enacting the classic Coppertone ad with Cherry. Please?

    Look closely. Marie is really Dr. Jeff Corey in a ratty Woolworth’s wig.

    I always thought Dagwood slimness was due to a painting of a now-thousand pound Dagwood Gray. Turns out it’s a trio of workplace Dagwood Grays.

  121. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    I thought I had something funny to say but got interrupted by work. Now I can’t remember it.

    Oh, well. Like my mother says, “If you can’t remember it, it wasn’t important.”

    It probably wasn’t funny either.

  122. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#110): I hope Darrrin’s Rape Dad contracts Montezuma’s revenge, Delhi belly and Turkey trots.

    There. I’ve managed to insult three different nationalities in one brief post. Impressive, no?

  123. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    BB&SS: Hey, Snuffy! Here’s a business for you.

  124. word-doctor
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    GT: The civics lesson is funnier if you imagine Potsy as the plaintiff and Juan Epstein the defendant.

  125. Voshkod
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Just be grateful we haven’t seen posts from “Garage Painting Ankara” or, even worse, “Advanced Garage Painting Yerevan.”

  126. Gringo
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#56): FW-Lenny is still getting whiter every day. You got the Casper Cancer Lenny!

    I think it’s actually called “Cayla Cancer”.

  127. Pinewood Tom
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#122):

    The Number One Thing You Should Never Do While Visiting Westview:

    DON’T DRINK THE WATER!!!!

  128. Calico
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#104):
    Paul Anka was recently on “Q”, and on a different program they played his version of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, which is awesome.

  129. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Advanced Garage Technology Yerevan (#113): “Forbid this is your father and your mother, Luann Degroot melon head.” ?

  130. bats :[
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

  131. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Archie: Is that a TV in the first panel?

    Wide screen aside, even the old TV format had a 4:3 ratio. That thing is square.

    Maybe it’s actually a picture frame displayed on a shelf of Archie’s greatest achievements.

    Notice it’s blank.

  132. margo
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#90):

    Christopher Walken! That’s it! I was trying to figure out what man she resembled in that panel. What a relief.

  133. margo
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    If it weren’t for those complicated necklines, and the occasional hair accessory, MW really would appear to be the world’s first gender-neutral comic strip.

  134. Jian Ghomeshi
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#128): Thanks for listening!

  135. Droopy Says
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#107): Yeah, Frankie could do that; it would be his story. And you’re probably right about the extortion angle. Of course in the real world there wouldn’t be much money to extort, but Batiuk has never let reality stand in the way of an idiotic story. I think there’s only one certainty in this flustercluck of a story: walls and walls of text from Creepy Les on the evils of Hollywood. (Maybe the story will have the production company cancel the movie because of Frankie’s shenanigans.)

  136. Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom)
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    FW: Ok, could someone tell me how this guy Lenny (and Carl?) are going to cash in on this? Create a TV movie? A show? I’m not understanding what “nefarious” plot is afoot.

  137. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom) (#136):

    Maybe they’ll do “Lisa’s Story” with hand puppets.

    //Craig Ferguson. Are you paying attention?

  138. Jim in Wisc.
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#122): If he’s lucky, that’s all he’ll get. I subscribe to the theory that the consumption of Montoni’s pizza is the source of all disease, death, misery and general malaise in Westview.

  139. bbofun
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#88): Actually, since Dead Saint Lisa is a real person in the fUnkyverse, not a fictional character, anyone can make a movie, TV show, comic book, or video game about her- so long as they can show they are using sources other than the book (the only major problem being libel laws). That (I think) is part of Frankie’s EEEEEVVVVIIIILLLL plan- to tell the “true story” of Lisa, instead of the “whitewashed” version Les has been peddling. Of course, he won’t say it that way- just that he wants to tell a “more complete” version.

    The only thing really interesting about this story (other than the sudden race-lift on Lenny) is whether Batiuk will show Frankie as being aware of having raped Lisa (as will, apparently, be the case) or if he, like many date-rapists, will still believe she “wanted it and liked it.”

  140. Baka Gaijin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#138): Montoni’s? AKA The Ptomaine Ptavern? Perish the thought.

  141. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#130): cheech wizard will be beyond happy to see that.

  142. Herr Kommissar Denny
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#93): Other band names/detective duo ideas: Curly Q and the Pompadour; Agrippina and the Cynic; Mailbox Mysteries; Granny Gossip and the Pained Expressions.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#112): I think you might be right. It’s a smart ploy on Eleanor’s part use Charterstoneans’ ignorance of human reproduction against themselves.

  143. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @margo (#133): Besides Ziggy?

  144. Calico
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @Jian Ghomeshi (#134):
    Hahahaha! Bienvenue!
    BTW, I like to watch Q TV too – you’re pretty darn cute, although sometimes your intros are too long! ; )

  145. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Is Elinor Walken riding a Segway?

  146. Calico
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#140):
    The Cyanide Café

  147. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

  148. Ratiocinator
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    9CL: A raisin with hypothermia would actually be less monstrous-looking than the…thing…that jumped into the lake yesterday. Either thing.

    ASM: Dr. Lauren is referring to her panties. Collapsing hideouts arouse her.

    Slylock: That girl isn’t snitching on her brother. That boy isn’t her brother! He’s a home invader who, along with his attack dog, has barged into the girl’s residence to eat all of her cookies and then remove any and all witnesses.

  149. Mibbitmaker
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

  150. Shrug's On First, Drinking
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y230):

    …and the bartender said “Anchor Steam beer all around, right?”

    And Pol Pot, who had just walked in, said “Angor Wat”? This angered Watt, and in fact they all got a bit steamed.

  151. Gringo
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#138): Montoni’s pizza is The Stuff?!

  152. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Man, there are going to be some really confused garage door makers by the time this day is over…

  153. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    The QG and I were browsing the local superstore’s ads. Noticed one for “Carhartt Bottoms” and pretty much dissolved into giggles.

    would be a good name for a blue-collar queercore band. . . .

  154. Ratiocinator
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#13): What do you suppose the odds are of Milton getting worked up during the conference call and having a heart attack in the middle of the testing?

    @Marc (#75): A Taxi reference! Nice!

    Btw, it means “Don’t stop, but don’t hit me any harder than you already are.” Or…so I’ve been told… <_<

  155. Arabella
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Roto13 (#16): @Chip (#79): Yes, sly Marie knows how to push Elinor’s buttons. Their first-name familiarity suggests they have spoken before, and unless Marie is dumber than Dolly Keane, she has to be aware of how Elinor would feel about Beth having a boyfriend. The fact she had a chance to repeat herself LOUDLY (in case anyone nearby missed it the first time) is just icing on the Charterstone cake. Some people make a hobby of being “Bearer of Bad News disguised as Good News.”

  156. bats :[
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @Garage Door Ankara (#89): Istanbul was once Constantinople, but of course you already knew that…

  157. Shrug, Off His Moorings
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#y237):

    “not that there are particular songs for balloons, mind you”

    Sure! What about–

    Zeppeliny Doo-Dah, raza-ma-tazz,
    My, oh my, what a big ball of gas!
    Here comes the Hindenburg into the room,
    Zeppliny Doo-Dah, Zeppeliny BOOM!

  158. Mibbitmaker
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, Advanced Garage Veeblefetzer, I meant to say:

    Furshlugginer osszefogva.

  159. bats :[
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#125): come on…it’s “Garage Painting Toots.” It’s always “Garage Painting Toots” (unless its the “Orca Pod Garage Painting Toots”).

    @Sequitur (#137): ooooh…AND lip-sync it to some wildly-inappropriate song, too! (I miss the little Leather Boy, though).

  160. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke-That’s right. Tell your wife it is because Marmaduke was taken trick or treating and not the truth about how you have to make a weekly payment to Marmaduke or else it will feast on your bones.

    BC-”Also, Chicago, New York, Pittsburgh? What are these places that you speak of? We’re supposed to be cavemen who live in a time long before these places exist.”

  161. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#156):

    @Garage Door Ankara (#89): Istanbul was once Constantinople, but of course you already knew that…

    Someone posted a link to this once before but it’s worth repeating.

  162. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom) (#136): I can’t imagine that this production, whatever it is, would be any worry to anyone. Even if these two bozos with a video camera could plausibly make something that would steal the Lisa’s Story “thunder,” it’s the studio’s problem, not Les’s. Studios employ armies of lawyers whose lives are dedicated to waging legal terrorism so that small fries like this, even if they aren’t infringing, have to back down or settle, because they don’t have deep pockets.

    More likely, they come out with one of those mockbuster movies like Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies and it goes into video obscurity. Though making a mockbuster of something so incredibly unappealing as the made-for-TV Lisa’s Story will be quite a trick.

  163. Baka Gaijin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#146): That would be the most popular eating establishment in town for about 4 hours when the living population of the city declined to zero.

    @Arabella (#155): Who carries the well-iced Charterstone cake? I hope they trained for weeks prior.

  164. Notebooked
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    The magic word, ‘Boyfriend’, is spoken. In a flurry of sparks and ethereal light, Elinor transforms into the Silver Hunk. An affair going on right under her nose? “‘Glad’ is not the word for it,” she says, dissappointment in her voice and vengeance in her eyes. There will be hell to pay.

  165. Ned Ryerson, Noted Thorpfeasor
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Off His Moorings (#157): Or Zeppeliny BTOOOM!

    Yes, I’m as useful as a Turkish garage door on a French designed satellite.

  166. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#162): Lisa will be a zombie that gets bitten by a vampire thus becoming a zombie/vampire who turns into a zombie/vampire/werewolf when a full moon comes out all while dispensing legal advise to the homeless.

  167. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    MT-Hopefully we’ll get to see Mark show off his punching out fire prowess.

  168. Shrug, Explaining the Facts of MT-Life
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#5):

    “MT-The cub that was behind the mother bear and nowhere near Cherry and Shelley.”

    This is Marktrailland, where you don’t have to be *near* girl-people to catch girl cooties; just being in the same panel or so is enough for the Ewwwwhh factor. Just ask Markie.

    ///No, girl bears don’t count.

  169. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    MT-The word I’m looking for is the opposite of glad but I’m not allowed to think of things like that or else the Great Mary Worth will banish me to the cornfield.

  170. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Doesn’t Kingpin call his toilet a BTOOOM?

  171. Shrug, Explaining Secret Origins
    May 23rd, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#15):

    “I regret to note that Dr. Lauren has started talking the same stupid Stan-Lee-speak that SM and DD do.”

    During her doctoral research, in an ironic cyclotron accident, she was bitten by a radioactive Stan Lee.

  172. Shrug, Explaining Secret Origins
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#61):

    “9CL: I’m not even sure there’s a name for a freezing-cold woman fetish, but now I know Brooke has one.”

    I think it’s an aspect of necrophilia* (one of the few quirks we haven’t detected in Brooke before this. So, Score!!!)

    *see Fritz Leiber’s tastefully creepy story “Lie Still, Snow White.”

    /// On the other hand, in the recent FABLES spinoff volume WIDE AWAKE, the Snow Queen’s new boyfriend does sound a bit dubious about the thermal logistics of their impending relationship. As would I. . .

  173. The Modesto Kid
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    The Keanes have moved.

  174. Shrug, Scaring Himself
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#90):

    “Snuf – wow, didn’t someone say something yesterday about Snuffy and Lukey having sex, but only if Lukey gets to wear the mule suit?”

    Called it! Yo, Shrug bashfully raising his hand here….

  175. Uncle Lumpy
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth — “‘GLAD®‘ is not the word for it! The word is ‘CUT-RITE®.’ Cut rite — and deep.”

  176. Spokesbuilding for the Rest of the Garage
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Hey! No Ankara garage doors for us! We don’t even speak Turkish!

  177. Shrug Litella
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom) (#118):

    “Luann: Rosa is drawn like something out of the codex highlighting the Cortes’ conquest of Mexico.”

    We are very tired of all of the *naughty* references to feminine hygiene products in today’s Mexican history lessons. Furthermore, we do not believe that Cortes really used such a product to illustrate his story. In fact, Kotex was not even marketed until centuries after the . . .

    . . .what. . .? . . .

    Oh. *Codex.* Codex, not Kotex. That’s different. That’s very different.

    Never mind.

  178. Shrug, Flying the Coop
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#123):

    My library system doesn’t rent out chickens, but we did make headlines a few months ago by making one freely available for poultry perverts, er, sorry, stressed-out students:

    http://tinyurl.com/dyarv5c

    “Therapeutic chicken among stress-busting visitors at University of Minnesota’s St. Paul Campus”

    //// Actually, “Therapeutic Chicken” might be a good name for a cluckcore band.

  179. Shrug, Connecting the Dots
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @margo (#133):

    “If it weren’t for those complicated necklines, and the occasional hair accessory, MW really would appear to be the world’s first gender-neutral comic strip.”

    I’d think the old SAWDUST strip that appeared as a sometime alleged running alleged joke within the DICK TRACY strip would have priority. (It was humor-neutral as well.)

  180. tallyHO
    May 23rd, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Off His Moorings (#157):

    How could I forget that song?

    I guess it is because I’ve been humming this all day long:

    I’m Christopher Walken, on Sunshine
    Walken, oh oh
    oh oh
    yeah
    I’m starting to
    feel
    good

    It is a tough one to hum
    What with the
    odd
    breaks
    and
    pau
    ses.

  181. Dood
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Now let’s get to work steaming open these letters! Oh, and you get Wilbur Weston’s — they’re all mayonnaise coupon offers!

  182. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Flying the Coop (#178):

    I like the bottom picture showing the girl and chicken with the same hair/feather style.

  183. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#139): The only thing really interesting about this story (other than the sudden race-lift on Lenny) is whether Batiuk will show Frankie as being aware of having raped Lisa (as will, apparently, be the case) or if he, like many date-rapists, will still believe she “wanted it and liked it.”

    About Lenny Gant’s sudden race-lift: I think Batiuk used Michael Jackson’s vitiligo for inspiration…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitiligo

  184. endless sky
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    MW: See the little circles on the gigantic mailboxes behind the biddies? No, they’re not keyholes – they’re surveillance cameras! With a live feed straight to Mary’s big-ass desktop computer! And you wondered how she always knew what was going on at Charterstone? Now she’ll realize the jig is up for Beth and Tom, and commence straightaway to intercept Elinor before mayhem occurs.

  185. Peanut Gallery
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Blondie – If the makers of Goo Goo Clusters paid for this placement, they should have insisted on a less horrifying illustration. (But I have to admit, it still made me hungry for a Goo Goo Cluster.)

  186. Huckleberry Fink
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Pinewood Tom (#127): And stay away from Frankie’s derrière — it’s feculent!

  187. Dennis Jimenez
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#185): I haven’t even seen the strip, but you don’t wanna know what I see with I think of Blondie and Goo-Goo-Clusters….

  188. Marc
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#154): Thanks, I wasn’t sure if anyone would get it or not. The first thing that came to mind when I read today’s Mary Worthwas that Taxi scene

  189. Francis Hobbs
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#139): As far as Frankie is concerned, HE wanted it and HE liked it. Everything else is irrelevant to him.

  190. Francis Hobbs
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#185):

    Once the prerequisite money is deposited into Dean Young’s Cayman Islands account, Dagwood will switch over to MoonPies and RC Cola.

  191. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Francis Hobbs (#190):

    “Moonpie and RC Cola” would be a good name for a TV private detective series.

  192. Peanut Gallery
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#191): I’m seeing Moonpie as an improbably gorgeous female detective and RC Cola as her monkey sidekick.

  193. Sgt. Stoned
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    MT: The whole forest is ablaze and Mama Bear thinks her cub is in danger from…Cherry and Shelly!?! In real life, dumb animals are not as dumb as Jack Elrod.

    MW: I can foresee that Elinor will hire thugs to sneak into Tom’s apartment and castrate him as happened to her erstwhile contemporary Peter Abelard and then she will have Beth locked into a chastity belt for life after having her fingers broken so that she can never type out another stupid “romance” novel again.

  194. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    MW-Watch out, Lady With Curlers in Her Hair, Elinor has raised her cane if she raises it anymore she will be in position to beat you with it.

  195. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#192): Me like.

    Better than Remington Steele.

  196. Pinewood Tom
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#191), @Peanut Gallery (#192):

    I already have the theme song picked out. Big Bill Lister recorded “RC Cola and a Moon Pie” for Capitol Records in 1951.

  197. Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom)
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

  198. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

  199. Jim in Wisc.
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#146): Sal Monella’s Bistro

  200. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#156) said: “@Garage Door Ankara (#89): Istanbul was once Constantinople, but of course you already knew that…”

    Hey, what about Byzantium? And don’t forget Winona.

  201. Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom)
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    MW: GLAD IS NOT THE WORD FOR IT!

    (Elinor unleashes a litany of unspeakable expletives)

    (Marie’s curls, in the face of such vulgarities, become uncurled)

  202. Johnny Q
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: Didn’t the Brady Bunch have a court like that once?

  203. Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom)
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#162): All I know is that the blond twins seem annoyed for no reason, and bio-dad has this sneer like he’s about to expose himself in public.

  204. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#166): I … I … I’d watch that….

  205. Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom)
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Every so often, you get a GoComics comment that, well, is intriguing.

    (From GoComics)

    —-
    Exactly in the same way Delta, you believe that you’re going to become wealthy and successful by as a senator or an attorney BUT YOU”RE NOT!!!! You’re no smarter or better than any of your classmates; in fact you are the one most likely to end up as a drug addict or be convicted of a major felony!
    —–

    Indeed.

  206. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    MW: “I’m cranky, you nitwit. I’m not deaf. Not like you’ll be after I rip your ears off.”

    GT: Knox mimes jerking off while he walks down the hall. I guess he’s beating everyone else to the punch.

    MT: Bet your really glad you didn’t make a run for that boat, huh?

    9CL: I just opened my Love to English phrasebook, and it’s not helping at all with what these two are saying.

    BC: But Chicago and New York he understands fine.

    RMMD: Understandable. The question is, why has Milton not gotten ahead of the curve on space repossession tech?

    Garfield: I kind of hope the spider succeeds in putting Garfield off his feed. That’s got to be good for a spot in Ripley’s.

    Phantom: Suddenly Kit is starring in an English panto.
    “The balloon’s right behind you.”
    “No it isn’t.”
    “OH YES IT IS!”

    Shoe: I think the goggle eyes of horror would be more appropriate if all the people he buried weren’t dead.

    DtM: It’s not even raining behind Margaret. She’s the one who’s going to drown, when the town tries her for witchcraft.

    SSmith: “Boy? I said, boy? Who is this Lukey and why are you flappin’ your gums about him?”

    S-M: Lauren’s line is better if you follow it up with “in my pants.”

    A3G: For Lu Ann, I guess the fact that Peter has let her in his limo twice is a sign that he’s head over heels for her.

  207. Cloudbuster
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

  208. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#26): It’s Pibgorn. “Disturbing” has the upper hand over “mind-numbing”, but that will change.

  209. A-wel Cruiz
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Oh pardon me, your highness! We don’t all study up on the complete works of Shakespeare on a daily basis. Also, Lenny is quite clearly Paul Shaffer.

    Hagar the Horrible: But there was a verbal agreement at least. Do those hold up in court? Quick, get Gil Thorp on the phone!

    Andy Capp: Since when is the bride responsible for baking the cake?

    Dilbert: What the holy hell is up with that guy’s mouth???

    Archie: …can’t close a suitcase. That’s the joke.

    Beetle Bailey: Quiet Beetle, Zero’s totally gonna blow this tank up!

  210. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#61):

    9CL: I’m not even sure there’s a name for a freezing-cold woman fetish, but now I know Brooke has one.

    Donnie Pfaster on the X-Files told a hooker to get into a bathtub full of ice cubes. Just sayin’.

  211. Government Cheese (Hand of the King of the Comics Kingdom)
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#207): Yeah, no kidding.

  212. A-wel Cruiz
    May 23rd, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @A-wel Cruiz (#209):

    Re:Dilbert – Never mind. I just realized it’s a goatee. To me, it looked like he had a big mouth with something nondescript in it.

  213. A-wel Cruiz
    May 23rd, 2013 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#210):

    Isn’t that how they get your kidney?

  214. Amos Snarkadder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    MW: Okay, we may be on the cusp of the coolest Mary Worth panel, ever: Mary, her very own self, enters and *ta-da* there are three old ladies all at once. Like the Three Fates. Only scarier.

  215. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#214):

    And there you have the Charterstone version of The Golden Girls.

  216. Remmy
    May 23rd, 2013 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    9CL: How is it a fresh water pond smells like Tuna all of a sudden?

  217. Advanced Garage Technology Yerevan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Spokesbuilding for the Rest of the Garage (#176): Դուք հաջողություն, սըր. Մենք ունենք լավագույն Ա 1 ավտոտնակ դուռը ձեզ համար. Մեկը, որ թուրքական հագուստ ձեզ համար.

  218. Pinewood Tom
    May 23rd, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Advanced Garage Technology Yerevan (#217): As a Claude Akins fan, I have to disagree. “B.J. and the Bear” is nothing like “Moonpie and RC Cola”!

  219. Alphonse and/or Gaston
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @A-wel Cruiz (#213):

    “Isn’t that how they get your kidney?”

    Only the rude ones. For the polite ones, it’s customary to say “Sure, all you have to do is ask nicely.”

  220. Frozen Woman Fetish Corp., Ltd.
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    See why millions of sexually repressed immature divorcees voted us the best.

    Women and Men in your area are looking to chill with you tonight.

    View our extensive and not-revealing picture batabase free of charge. Plenty of turtlenecks and jumper skirts for your pleasure

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  221. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    @A-wel Cruiz (#213): That too, yeah. We seem to have jumped shows onto “The Venture Bros.”

  222. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#221): Wait: 1…2…oh, crap. This is bad.

  223. demoncat
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    mw glad is not the word for it elinor tells nosy lady at the post office more like mad that beth dares to find some love against my wishes

  224. Amos Snarkadder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#215): Golden, not so much. Girls, not so much.
    But Elinor is ready to cut Tom off.

    Paper, scissors, rock, whatever.

  225. SPG
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp – Nothing says healthy attachment like delighting in your beloved’s injury because it means they need you more.

  226. Alison
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: I’m pretty sure Marie is speaking slowly in that second panel because she thinks Elinor didn’t hear her, but I like to pretend it’s because Marie thinks Elinor is very, very stupid, and does not comprehend basics.

    “Elinor. I. said. it. is. disturbing. how. you. wear. so. much. purple. Maybe. you. should. try. something. red. or. black.”

  227. tymime
    May 23rd, 2013 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    FC: Yeah, ’cause you know how Dolly thinks people jump up and down in pain when they stub somebody else’s toe. Which, according to her, is something people in real life do- stub other people’s toes.
    And so when she goes and says “MY toe”, implying that this isn’t normal, Billy just HAS to correct her…

    Seriously, what planet are they from?

  228. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    9CL-Yay! She’s going to die. I have absolutely no idea who this person is or really care all I know is that some horrid person is going to die.

  229. Annie Wilkes
    May 23rd, 2013 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @SPG (#225): Sounds normal to me.

  230. Liam
    May 23rd, 2013 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    FW-No actually he doesn’t read books written by smug condescending authors who are trying to make their sad pathetic little lives that much better but there wasn’t enough space in the panel to put all that in there.

    Snuffy Smith-”And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids.”

  231. tallyHO
    May 23rd, 2013 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus

    Dang it, Billy! You are too young to be apathetic! Take you hands out of your pockets and extend your arms in agape kindness, li’l brother! Your sister’s ow-ee isn’t gonna go away, even as you stand there with that vacuous look on your face. That look isn’t gonna suck the hurt out of your sister’s tootsie, li’l man!

    She’s dancing the dance you have danced before! You recognize the one hop, no step. So why just stand there without offering assistance to the sister who is probably there for you when you get a bean ball to the noggin. She’ll probably drag your limp, unconscious self home or maybe tow you in a wagon. Pay ahead, lil person! Pay ahead and you’ll find that your behind will always be covered!

  232. tallyHO
    May 23rd, 2013 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth For the sake of getting it over with and allowing for further exploration of the bottled city of Santa Royale (it comes in a purple cozy, right? It has a draw string on it so it looks all fancy, right?)

    Personally, I want Elinor to get over her indecision on whom to impersonate. Just choose between Christopher Walken and Clint Eastwood and get it over with, lady!

    I want tomorrow’s strip to shoe that Elinor has had a change of heart (after a transplant with a baboon) and now fully and wholly supports her daughter being in love.

    However….
    Such a development will vex my other theory about this storyline:
    The theory that Beth’s Mother is actually Beth’s “dead” Father in Drag pretending to be Beth’s Mother. He’s trying to soil her on the idea of becoming someone’s wife so he is pretending to be his own dead wife to convince his daughter something he felt too insecure to try and explain to her.

    Let’s face it: it explains the Walken/Eastwood look he/she has going on, doesn’t it?

  233. Banjo the Woodpile Cat
    May 23rd, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Francis Hobbs (#190): Once the prerequisite funds are wired to Mike Curtis and Joe Staton’s Swiss bank account, Moon Maid will change her name to MOONPIE.

  234. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#82): This petty chaffing makes me somniculous.

    // But I’m refulgent, effulgent, fulgid, and fulgent enough to ignore it.

  235. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    @Garage Door Ankara (#89): Ama moda tasar?mc?s? renk mevcuttur garaj kap?lar? nelerdir?

  236. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#235): Or rather, Ama moda tasarimcisi renk mevcuttur garaj kapilari nelerdir?

    // I fear my Anatolian is a little rusty.

  237. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

  238. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#185): Blondie – If the makers of Goo Goo Clusters paid for this placement, they should have insisted on a less horrifying illustration. (But I have to admit, it still made me hungry for a Goo Goo Cluster.)

    “Oh, c’mon! Man up and gorge!”

    // That’s a slogan contest winner if I ever saw one. And you gotta love the Pot Bellied Peer Pressure Gang.

  239. Banjo the Woodpile Cat
    May 23rd, 2013 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    Moose Miller — Shame on you, Bob Weber Sr. Your Blatant Cat Brutality is
    an affront to my eyes:

    http://www.jsonline.com/comics/32402404.html?feature_id=Moose&feature_date=2013-05-23

    “From the man who brought you Bob Weber Jr.”

  240. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#234): Oh, I don’t mind when you use it. It’s become your word. But when everyone else starts to use it, it loses its heterodoxy.

  241. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#240): It becomes feculent, you might say.

  242. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

  243. Peanut Gallery
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @Banjo the Woodpile Cat (#233): Not if Minute Maid outbids them!

  244. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#240): @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#241): Well, thanks, I guess, but I am, in fact, orgulous when folks use “my” words. You jobbernowls are welcome to all — c’mon, man up and gorge! — there’s plenty more where those came from.

    // Do you remember the phenomenon of “sniglets”? I hated those. English has so many wonderful old beautiful words, that making up new ones (except, of course, out of scientific necessity) seems otiose.

  245. Peanut Gallery
    May 23rd, 2013 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#238):

    “Man up and gorge!”

    It’s also the answer to the question, “What did I yell when I saw Evel Knievel launch himself over the Snake River Canyon?”

  246. Adam Bahm
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Heather, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

  247. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    @Adam Bahm (#246):

    Heather: No, but I know a turkey when I see one.

  248. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#117) Re: MW— Thanks! I wonder if Marie and Elinor read Crone Magazine. (I guess the original title, Hag Magazine, was considered too offensive.) The publisher is now creating a magazine for younger women, Skank.

  249. Mr. Yezpitelok
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#243): Moon Maid, Minute Maid and a Maidenform bra work into a bar…

  250. Mr. Yezpitelok
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#248):

    At least the target audience doesn’t have to worry about getting kicked in the croners. Unlike today’s Family Circus parody by bats :[

  251. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#249):

    And the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you.”

  252. Zla'od
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    MW: Okay, this must be leading up to a “Mrs. Robinson” type situation between Elinor, Beth, and Tom. (How do you make an older woman lubricate? Pick at the scabs!)

    Either that, or Beth is inspired to write a romance novel based on her experiences, with a title like “His Throbbing Manhood.”

  253. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    @Zla’od (#252):

    Maybe a joke could be made like when Jackie Kennedy married a much older man, Aristotle Onassis.

    Q: How did Jackie Onassis get sick?
    A: From ingesting old meat.

  254. Peanut Gallery
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#244): “Otiose”? Wasn’t that a breakfast cereal in Beetle Bailey?

  255. Mr. Yezpitelok
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#9):

    Q: What’s invisible and smells like dog food?

    A: Elinor Kinley’s feculent farts.

  256. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#245): Karnak the Magnificent! Hi-yoooo!

  257. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#255):

    Why, that’s egregious!

  258. Sequitur
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#244):

    My favorite sniglet was “Rump Hump.” The seat on a school bus right over the wheel.

    It’s probably best not to Google Rump Hump.

  259. Mr. Yezpitelok
    May 23rd, 2013 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    @Zla’od (#252): In Russia, scabs pick at you.

    @Sequitur (#257): Not to mention “excrementally pungent.”

  260. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#254): Great Googley Moogley, how long have you been saving THAT one!

  261. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#255): Perhaps she should moderate her intake of carminatives. Or, increase them.

  262. The Pot Belly Peer Pressure Gang
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    “Hot Donuts” sign lighted at the Krispy Kreme!

  263. Baka Gaijin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#248): OMG! It’s real. It’s not an Onion article. Wow.

  264. Baka Gaijin
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    Friday’s Early Comments

    You can practically see Elinor plotting her revenge, conjuring up a tenesmus or fit of pleurisy or her old standby, abasia, to keep Beth away from Tom.

    Foo! I was looking forward to some big bear growling, Cherry nose-slapping action in Mark Trail. What a letdown. *

    Yes, Hagar, you were horrible as a teen, what with all the pillaging and raping. They wrote epic poems about it. Now as an adult, your antics rate a sorry comic strip.

    * Some experts recommend slapping or hitting an attacking bear on the nose to scare it off. Personally I think they say that to ensure a steady supply of entertaining bear-ripping-people-apart YouTube videos.

  265. tallyHO
    May 23rd, 2013 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    When did “Mary Worth” get taken over by angry gremlins? And by “angry gremlins” I mean they are now writing and drawing the strip so it features a story about their own kind: angry gremlins.
    That one that has “to go” is either running to the bathroom because its Depends are failing them or it is running away to take someone’s head off, gremlin-style!

  266. billman
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#245):

    Oh man, I actually watched that live on broadcast TV (think it was ABC’s Wide World of Sports? In a rare live broadcast? Correct me if I’m wrong (a direct challenge to mudges with degrees in research (ie. Librarians)). Today he woulda done that on Pay-Per-View. It woulda been 3 hours long with so much padding you’d want to kill yourself. As it was it was like an hour long broadcast with enough filler to rupture a goat’s stomach, and the failure probably just whet the public’s appetite for the kind of reality TV that’s just begging for fail, like the audition portion of American Idol. The whole launch and fail took less than around 2 minutes.

  267. Cloudbuster
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#248): Among many Wiccans, “crone” isn’t considered an offensive term. FWIW. So those women in Crone Magazine may be witches! (How do you know they’re witches?)

  268. Cloudbuster
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#258): It’s probably best not to Google Rump Hump.

    You can’t just say something like that and expect me not to do it!

    // It wasn’t as bad as I feared.
    // Always pushes the red button.

  269. Cloudbuster
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#248): Oh, by the way, the women who run Crone Magazine are a little, um, what’s the right word … insane?

    “The Crone archetype startled me into action in July, 1989, when I experienced Her energy in a numinous life-changing dream. Though I don’t remember the dream itself, I do remember being roughly shaken awake from behind by a huge black bird. The situation felt urgent. She cawed (or crowed?) at me, ‘Wake Up! Wake Up! It’s Time! It’s Time!’”

    I actually think this took place in the Mark Trail universe. Note the giant talking bird!

  270. Droopy Says
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    The Annoying Spiderman: If the underwater laboratory is underwater, how is it that the hole blasted in its walls is now above water and is letting water flow outward? Or is this the strip’s subtle way of saying that the Kingpin is so scared, he pissed himself?

    Funky’s Flunkies: A reality show? That makes a twisted kind of sense, since they all seem as unrealistic as this strip.

    Family Circus: Proof positive that this strip doesn’t have a prayer.

    Mark Trail: This strip picked a fine time to become realistic!

    Pluggers: “No, seriously, Pops, vacuum tubes burn out! And I don’t think you can run down to the local ThriftiDrug and buy a replacement from their testing machine!”

  271. Cloudbuster
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    ASM: When I build my secret supervillain lair, it will not be subject to sudden catastrophic fires, explosions or floods triggered by minor damage, stray bullets, or precisely-aimed blaster fire. Kingpin, Darth Vader and all ye many who came before me, I swear I shall learn from your mistakes.

    I’m totally going to do the maniacal laughter, though. That just feels awesome. Everyone should laugh maniacally at least once a day at an inappropriate time. Like, at a drive through window:

    Window server: “Here’s your order, sir! Have a nice day!”

    Me: “Mouhahahahahaha! Oh, yes, I’ll have a “nice day” all right! Mouhahahahahaha!”

  272. Uncle Lumpy
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#270):

    Serious people repump their tubes.

  273. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 24th, 2013 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#269) said: “@Alfred E. Neuman (#248): Oh, by the way, the women who run Crone Magazine are a little, um, what’s the right word … insane?”

    Yes, it appears that those women are raven mad.

  274. Dartpaw86
    May 24th, 2013 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    Elinor in that last panel, I don’t know if this would be insulting but if she had a short thin mustache she would look a lot like Vincent Price.

  275. Droopy Says
    May 24th, 2013 at 1:11 am [Reply]

  276. Calico
    May 24th, 2013 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#224):
    Ha!
    Now apply these 3 visages to today’s 9CL panel, and voila!

    MW – are the biddies in Charterstone’s bowling alley? Check out those ball lockers!

  277. Uncle Lumpy
    May 24th, 2013 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#275):

    Oh man, now I want a resistance welder so bad.

  278. gleeb
    May 24th, 2013 at 5:50 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: Not to harp on it, but Lonnie here has no releases, no permission to film in the crappy pizza joint, and I’ll bet he has no one to buy anything he produces. Batiuk’s research method (make stuff up) fails again.

  279. jimbo
    May 24th, 2013 at 6:51 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail–Chekov reportedly said, “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there.”

    Cherry was shooting cans with a rifle early in this episode. She had it with her when she left the tent to flee the forest fire. Now I don’t see it at all. It’s obvious she’s not going to shoot the bear.

    Well, if she doesn’t shoot Shelley or Mark with it, I’m going to be VERY disappointed in Jack Elrod.

  280. fahrenheit451
    May 24th, 2013 at 6:55 am [Reply]

    Oh please let Mark Trail punch that grizzly in the mouth!!!

  281. CanuckDownSouth
    May 24th, 2013 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Thorp – they can have their playdowns, but the writers cannot repurpose words others use just because they like to. A kangaroo court is rigged, not ad hoc / informal

  282. Anonymous
    May 24th, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#3): With Billy doing the Ike parts. I miss the old DFC.

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