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The Emperor of Ice Cream’s regime is crumbling

Heathcliff, 6/17/13

Lots of people like cake, you know. Really like cake. Very few of them use this like of cake as the ideological basis for an independent cake-empire, which declares its separation from the insufficiently cake-worshipping polity to which it previous owed allegiance and then presumably goes on to aggressively impose cake-adoration on its unwilling neighbors. Heathcliff, as ever, does not do anything by half measures.

Crankshaft, 6/17/13

Oh, goodie, it’s been months since Crankshaft journeyed to New York to make vaguely New York-themed puns! But first, in today’s third panel, we’re treated to the precise moment when Pam gives up on trying to make her dad love her.

Spider-Man, 6/17/13

“With the Kingpin in custody” is kind of an obscure way to say “Now that we’ve finished having surreptitious beach-sex, let’s talk loudly and ostentatiously about our supposed romantic entanglements with women,” but I don’t want to tell you guys how to live your lives.

344 responses to “The Emperor of Ice Cream’s regime is crumbling”

  1. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:24 am [Reply]

    Phantom George M.Cohan originally wrote “Over There” for his friend Walker:

    Over there, over there,
    Send the word, send the word over there —
    That the Phantom is coming,
    The Phantom is coming,
    The drums rum-tumming
    Everywhere.
    So prepare, say a prayer,
    Send the word, send the word to beware.
    He’ll be over, he’s coming over,
    And he won’t come back till it’s over
    Over there.

  2. Digger
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    It’s too bad Crankshaft came up with phone idea. It would have been quite hilarious to see him standing in the streets of New York yelling “PAM! PAAAAAAAMMMM!”

  3. CanuckDownSouth
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    And the Publications Madness continues with a museum curator(!) agreeing to publish a book and taking a kindergartener’s word that she can write a story to go with the pictures. At least the curator has looked at the pictures but she hasn’t even seen a writing sample.

    Shouldn’t people in an associated industry (newspapers / comics) have some vague clue about publishing? The idea of making a booklet in-house and that, say, their PR writer could do some appropriate text might have vaguely made sense but this is lunacy.

  4. Ratiocinator
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    ASM: A subtle Take That in panel two at the breakup of Peter and MJ on Earth 616, of the comic books. (Oh lord, are we really in the seventh year of Peter being single now?) Which would have significantly more weight coming from a comic strip with writing that was not shit.

    RMMD: You’re going to make so many friends in your life, Sarah, always talking about how great you are at everything with minimal, if any, prompting. You just keep that up.

    FW: My GOD! It turns out Cayla just happened to have Saint Lisa’s journal right there! Who could have guessed, other than everybody?

    So let me predict what happens next: they read the journal, in which Lisa describes what Frankie did to her, and then they decide to get him arrested and then somebody will remember that Frank was recorded committing a crime and that they saw it on YouTube the other day but didn’t bother to mention it until now (because reasons), and then they’ll go to the police and the bad guy will lose and they can all smirk themselves silly over it.

    9CL: Mr. McEldowney, I have a proposal for you, one which will hopefully not cause you to bolt like a rabbit. The next time somebody offers you a beverage, respond with “It’d better be good” while narrowing your eyes menacingly. Note the person’s response. Consider that the real, live person reacted much differently than the character in your strip.

    You might end up getting the drink thrown in your face, but that’s a small price to pay for valuable research.

    JP: I can’t tell from his face–is Alan sincerely glad about finding a good place to work, or is he being sarcastic and finding fault with the business center too?

    Luann: “Well, my room is available, then!”

  5. mvg
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    FW: Kayla Kayla Kayla, it’s like you’re not even making an effort. It’s not “your uncle”; it’s “your uncle Jeff Murdoch.” Now try it again…

    S-M: Since the only time they’ve ever met he was in Daredevil costume, how did DD arrange a date as Matt Murdock w/Dr. Lauren? Did DD set up a (unavoidable howler) “blind date” for her w/his “lawyer friend”? And how did he even know she was someone he wanted to date? Did he ascertain her hotness by sensing the microchanges in air pressure caused by Spidey’s erection when she was nearby?

  6. sporknpork
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    “FWIPP” might be the most casual, laid back sound effect in all comics.

  7. Christopher
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff is in fact preparing for a visit from Eddie Izzard by asking the local mice, “Do you have a flag?” and offering them cake…or death.

  8. Liam
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-You see, Marvel Editors, Spiderman can be happily married and doesn’t need to offer up his marriage in a deal with the devil to save the life of his old aunt.

    Gasoline Alley-”Gee, Slim, you really are dumb aren’t you. I think I’ll kill you outright. A double of you would have all your intellect and wouldn’t do me any good.”

    MT-”Say, Jason, there is a closet over there why don’t we go in it and get to know each other better.”

    MW-”And also I’m having a giant goose delivered to the Bob Cratchett family.”

    FW-”Yep. Never even bothered to look in this box. I just put in this closet over here.”

  9. Euripides IV
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Maybe I’m showing my age, but I’m pretty sure that “bachelor life in San Fran” is not code for “romantic entaglements with *women*”.

  10. Chareth Cutestory
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Comics Curmudgeon: I don’t know why but I’m spoiling to fight you on today’s title, “The Emperor of Ice Cream’s regime is crumbling.” An ice cream emperor’s regime would melt, while a cookie emperor’s regime could crumble. DAMMIT!

  11. mvg
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    FW: Also, I, for one, am not the least bit surprised that hack author Asswipe Les wrote a book about his sainted dead wife Lisa w/o bothering to consult her journal. Although I AM surprised he didn’t force Cayla to read it cover to cover on their wedding night.

  12. Écureuil Écumant
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Heath: For every person who likes cake, there are ten who like pie!

  13. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    You know who else really, really loved cake? Hitler, that’s who. According to Joachim Fest, in his last days in the Führerbunker he packed it away by the plateful.

    Heil, Heathcliff.

  14. pugfuggly
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff I think this flag system might be Heathcliff’s way of letting the neighborhood cats he bullies know what they should bring him in tribute each week. He’s got a whole set, including ‘fish’, ‘catnip’, ‘mice’ and ‘your daughters’.

    C’shaft Hey look, it’s another panel we could add to the end of any Crankshaft as a way of improving it. It could only be improved it if Pam was saying ‘fuck off’ instead.

    ASM Thanks a lot Josh: after you little comment about beach sex, I can’t help but notice Daredevil carefully examining then end of his nunchucks like that. Well, no use letting a disturbing image like that go to waste: I’m off to write some graphic comics slash-fic.

  15. Mibbitmaker
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    S-M, p.1: Sings — Never been any reason….

    Heathcliff: What kind of banana republic (banana cake?) is he running where there can’t be a picture of a cake on that flag? I wouldn’t worry about any invasion from these clowns!

    Crank: Hey, Batiuk! between the three of you, Digger (at #2) and Josh are the only ones to make your strip funny today. Hint, Batiuk…..

  16. sully
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    I can’t wrap my head around the physical impossibility of Old Lady Heathcliff in that panel. She is apparently leaning outside the open window, but standing completely upright. Now, unless the ledge of that window is built out a foot from the top, I just don’t see how that is possible. Also, it may be just me, but what, exactly, are Spider-Dope and Daredevil attaching their web and line to from the beach, to swing away? It’s the little things that eventually cause madness.

  17. Écureuil Écumant
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#6): Let’s try taking it to the next level of casual.

    [N20 Hose:] FWIPP

    [Cheech & Chong:] QLUNQ

  18. Ned Ryerson
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff’s going the distance,
    he’s going for speed!

  19. mumbly_joe
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Heathcliffe: You all laugh at the notion of a militarized empire using insufficient fealty to pastry as the pretext for launching a war of aggression, but:

    From Wikipedia:

    The Pastry War (Spanish: Guerra de los pasteles, French: Guerre des Pâtisseries)[1] began with the invasion of Mexico by French forces in November 1838 and ended with a British-brokered peace in March 1839. It was the first and lesser of Mexico’s two 19th-century wars with France, being followed by the French invasion of 1861–67.

    At long last, all those episodes of Histeria! I watched as a kid are finally paying off.

  20. Écureuil Écumant
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    FW: Cayla’s been trained well. Agitating the timer will cause the acid to dissolve the thin metal foil more quickly, setting the bomb off with alacrity and guaranteeing optimal results.

  21. Écureuil Écumant
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#13): Nice going, infidel! I try to get a nice romantic mood going in here, and you drag in Hitler.

  22. Lorne
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Yeah, you just thrust your little baton proudly towards the sky as I squirt something from my arm. Everything’s normal on this San Francisco beach.

  23. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    21. Écureuil Écumant

    Es tut mir Leid, Herr Écumant.

  24. McManx
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Spiderman — A sexual liaison between Spiderman and DD isn’t so far fetched. Afterall they are in San Francisco, and already have the gimp suits…

    Luann — Poor Dad seems awfully anxious to keep Luann separated from Quill. I guess he figured out sex code as the kids giggled coyly every time Quill hummed the tune “I come from the land down-under.”

  25. SpiffBereft
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    ASM: “Now that we’ve finished having surreptitious beach-sex, let’s talk loudly and ostentatiously about our supposed romantic entanglements with women,”
    What they don’t show in the first panel is Daredevil thinking, “Well I’ll NEVER get the stains off of this thing.”

  26. Danzig
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    Isn’t Spiderman and Dare Devil on an island? What is he gonna stick his web to so he can swing off the island? Maybe he’s like those spiders that spin a web in the air and let the wind take him away. Kind of makes me wonder why he buys plane tickets.

  27. Écureuil Écumant
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    @Danzig (#26): I was wondering along the same lines, wouldn’t “Flyover Country” with its notorious lack of tall structures represent more of a “Dragyourassacross Country” for Spidey?

    Oh please, Stan Lee, have the brilliant idea for him to web from one high-voltage tower to another so he can go cross-country. That’d solve so much.

  28. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    9CL – The constant animal similies whenever a McEldowney character is asked to make a decision are getting old. How about “He proposed to me and I flaked out like a Burber”. Or “I was worried that I was pregnant, so I embarked on an intercontinental journey of applied narcissism like a Burber”. Even “I was a smug, condescending ass to my (thrall/boyfriend/husband?), threatening him with implicit violence when he offered me a courtesy – just like a Burber!”

    RMMD – Enough already! Where is this going? Every day I assume we can’t have yet another day where a book deal for 6YO Widdle Sawah, complete with huge cash advance and the promise of royalties, is discussed. I just don’t see the point of this story line. I assume we are still intended to find Sawah and her arrogance to be charming – can the author really be that obtuse?

  29. revenge4Aldo
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#18): @Ned Ryerson (#18): How does Heathcliff afford his Rock N Roll lifestyle?

  30. Ned Ryerson
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    Surreptitious beach sex
    elementary penguins
    Man you’ve been a naughty boy
    You let your face grow long

  31. Stev0
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    @revenge4Aldo (#29):

    You’re right. If Heathcliff was putting up a flag of the foodstuff cake, he could easily have a picture of one on the flag. He’s obviously raising a flag to his favorite band.

  32. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#13):

    Do you know who else constantly violated Godwin’s Law?

    HITLER, that’s who. He could barely make it through a speech without it being all “Nazi” this and ‘glorious triumph of National Socialism” that.

    Cake is worse than Hitler, is what I am saying. Although I still love “The Distance”. And “End of the Movie”:

    “People you love. Will turn their backs on you
    You’ll lose your hair, your teeth
    Your knife will fall out of its sheath
    But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

    People you hate will get their hooks into you
    They’ll pull you down. You’ll frown
    They’ll tar you and drag you through town
    But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie
    No you still don’t like to leave before the end of the show.”

  33. odinthor
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Better Half. — Also, he’s often rusty and subject to being thrown overboard.

    H&J. — Or sometime’s it’s like clothing. You peel off your clothes and have sex.

    GA. — Confucius say, “Man who have feelings like a plant probably a vegetable.”

    Pluggers. — They forgot the shirt’s missing button at the apogee of the belly.

  34. Ratiocinator
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    Something else about Funky Winkerbean: didn’t Lisa tell Les what happened to her? I vaguely recall seeing a scan of a panel of a strip where she was telling him about that night.

    So why is the present involement of Pm ‘Nd Jfff (well, just Jfff as it turns out) necessary to this story at all? All that would need to happen after Darin’s bio-parents brought up how Pam & Jeff witnessed the aftermath (I’m assuming) of Lisa’s rape would be for Les to speak up and say “Yes, she told me about that night. I never said anything about it before now because it’s not the kind of thing you just casually bring up in conversation, but with Frank back, things are different. Here’s the whole story…”

    It’s really doubtful that there’s anything in the journal which she didn’t tell Les, isn’t it?

    @Danzig (#26): They’re not on the island any more; Kingpin’s base blew up and they evacuated everybody to the mainland.

  35. Hibbleton
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    A3G: This is my Aunt Denise. She’s the one I get my good looks from [wink] Nyuk, Nyuk!

  36. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    32. Calvin’s Cardboard Box

    I’ll try and write a speech for the Cakestag, concerning ye olde Cake Hall Putsch.

  37. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    FW – Lisa wrote that journal, exposing her rapist, using a pencil she held in her mouth while she wrote, because the horrible Frankie cut out her ability to verbally retcon events.

  38. CanuckDownSouth
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#34): Batiuk thinks the diary would be a more credible threat to Frankie than a husband’s claimed memory of Lisa’s version of the story? Neither would pass muster to get Frankie charged with rape, but a diary could be passed on to the TV channel or the press, making them not want to deal with the publicity.

  39. els
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    I think that this “Gallagher” has just as much contempt for Heathcliff as his audience does, at this point. Not only is today’s panel a visual representation of the thought “To hell with it”, but he’s stone cold drawn x’s over Heathcliff’s eyes. Not that the last several strips make any more sense if you imagine Heathcliff as a zombie, but they certainly don’t make any less.

  40. CleverNameIsaac
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    “Daredevil lives a great bachelor life here in San Fran. But I’ve got MJ waiting for meat home– the house made out of premium cuts of beef I promised her! I’d better start building it before the meats spoil.”

  41. BeckoningChasm
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    I suppose it’s wrong of me and all, but I’m starting to really like Heathcliff. Instead of being terrible and awful, it’s trying to be surreal and weird, and generally succeeding.

  42. Dartpaw86
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    Nah… Heathcliff is in love with Cake the Cat from Adventure time, and he’s announcing it to the world!

  43. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    40. CleverNameIsaac

    FC can help out there, what with dead lions and all.

  44. Dartpaw86
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#8):

    “Thank you!!” It warms my heart to see that other people utterly despise “One More Day” as well.

  45. Dartpaw86
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#42):

    In other words, in a few minutes Heathcliff is going inside to write erotic Adventure Time fanfiction.

  46. Not Just any Dipstick
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Spidey. Did he just *fwipp* to the tail of an airliner, or maybe the moon? I must be missing something.

  47. Nuklhd
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    FW – In two minutes of effort “cleaning the room” – Cayla became a better biographer than Les.

  48. pugfuggly
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    A3G “Nice to meet you, Denise. Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like the Governor?”

    FW Jesus, just look at the dead expression in Cayla’s eyes in that last panel. “I thought if I just put the box of Lisa’s stuff in the back of the closet and forgot about it I would be safe, at least for a little while. I should have known I’d never get away from the ghost of St Lisa. Here, you guys go ahead and do some sepia-colored reminiscing with the diary. I-…I just have to lie down for a little bit…”

    MT Wait a minute, is the Lost Forest an enchanted one? Because that doctor is clearly an elf…

    MW “Go home? But aren’t you still sick? HEY! Were you faking it the whole time?! Just to break us up? Oh that is it, mother, you’re on your own from now on…”

  49. Lisa B
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MW: ugh – Worst. Proposal. Ever.
    I’m all for Enthusiastic Spontaneity, but this is just…awakard? desperate? unromantic as hell? creepy?

  50. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#36):

    “I want a stormtrooper with a mind like a dog
    I want a stormtrooper who knows what’s best
    I want a stormtrooper with knives that cut
    Who isn’t afraid to burn you with a lit cigarette

    I want a stormtrooper with the right inclinations
    Who’s fast and thorough
    And dull as a board
    He’s playing with her jewelry
    He’s saving up her hair
    He’s touring the facility
    And picking up slack

    I want a stormtrooper with a short harcut and a lonnnng jacket

    I want a stormtrooper with a Master’s in liquidation
    I want a stormtrooper with no moral code
    At the Bundesbank we will meet accidentally
    We’ll start to talk when he salutes his Fuhrer

    He wants a uniform with an Iron Cross dangling
    He wants a Panzer that will get him there
    He’s changing his name from Goldstein to Mayer
    He’s trading his MG for a post guarding the Baron!”

  51. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Judge Pissyface: “I can’t work at this mere . . . desk! Where’s the buxom secretary in a tight skirt who will bring me coffee, softly brushing her breast against my shoulder as she does so? Does your so-called ‘business center’ have that, Katherine?”

    JP,2: No, Katherine, yer doin’ it wrong. You want Judge Pissyface to grow increasingly agitated so that his crankypants heart eventually gives out; how else are you going to collect that widow’s inheritance you’ve worked so hard for?

    MW: “Because as god is my witness, Tom, this gown has an open back—and in this moment of romantic bliss, the last thing you want is to see what Beth’s ass will look like in 30 years.”

    BB/HtH: There needs to be a term for a “joke” that requires an utterly idiotic set-up, such as a man who doesn’t know what a zombie is or “boiled fish.” Because lord knows we’d get plenty of use out of it.

    MT: “No, Nurse, I don’t think we should call the police because we have a gunshot victim! We have a nature writer here and a local journalist—and here at LoFo General Hospital and (Very) Large Animal Clinic, that’s good enough for me!”

  52. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#12): I am one of those people who would take pie over cake any time.

    Please don’t hurt me, Heathcliff.

    Meanwhile, Brewster Rockit has pie on the brain, too.

  53. TheDiva
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Damn, and the city was just recovering from Hurricane Sandy, too…

    Heathcliff: I see Aperture Science has branched into the comics industry.

  54. Ratiocinator
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#44): Oh, LOTS of people despise it.

    I’m not going to say that the way Peter and MJ got married in the first place was well-plotted. It wasn’t, since they went from being just-friends-who-used-to-date-but-didn’t-anymore to Peter spontaneously proposing after he realized MJ was his one true love. MJ initially turned him down because she had a perfectly understandable WTF reaction, but by the end of the story arc she had changed her mind and decided she wanted to marry Peter after all.

    Blame Jim Shooter for how rushed and unrealistic it was, I guess.

    But the way they were broken up was poorly thought out too–moreso, in fact. If Joe Quesada and all those other writers who went on record as saying the marriage to MJ was a bad idea were really determined to break them up, there were plenty of much more realistic ways of doing it. Having MJ get stressed out about Peter being Spider-Man and risking his life, for example, perhaps after he almost got killed. Or the fact that the Peter in the comics had an unfortunate habit of running out in the middle of whatever he and MJ were doing if he heard of some crime being committed or some villain doing something villainous.

    Since that would result in a separation or divorce, however, and Quesada thought that Peter being divorced would make him seem even less relatable to young readers than him being married, we got the dumbass “Aunt May gets shot, nobody in the ENTIRE Marvel Universe can do anything to save her (not even Loki, who is a frickin’ GOD with power on roughly the same level as Mephisto, and who owed Spider-Man a favour) except for Mephisto, and Mephisto will only save her if Peter and MJ agree to sacrifice their marriage because that’s what he wants more than ANYTHING ELSE, and Mephisto is able to change all of reality and history (even though that should be impossible even for him) to erase all traces of the marriage.”

  55. erdmann
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    FW: So, Lisa’s Journal. Her one-and-only journal in which she recorded her thoughts and feelings and details about every event in her entire life. Really. Kinda small for that, don’t ya think? Maybe Lisa just didn’t have that much interesting to write down. Or maybe, like the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” it is actually an electronic device that links the user to the “Grand St. Dead Lisa Database,” an ever-expanding collection of everything Lisa, including all her writings and videos.

  56. Pozzo
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    “Fwipp” is also the sound Spidey/Peter makes when he climaxes.

  57. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @Alison (y#248): The unicorn doesn’t make it to the ark on time, right? That’s my childhood! Er, the song, that is. No arks – of gopherwood or otherwise – were involved in my childhood.

  58. Ned Ryerson
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    JP: I can’t wait for the inevitable cruise ship mechanical failure. Wait until Judge Pissyface has to poop in a bag!
    But seriously, a “business center” on a cruise ship? Not buying it. “Internet cafe” (with exorbitant connectivity fees) for people who can’t stay away from their silly blog for a week, okay, but no “business center”.

  59. seismic-2
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    In Heathcliff’s Republic of Cake, is it considered an act of treason to ask a waitress about pie?

    Anyway, if Heathcliff is so desperate for a cake that he is signalling the world about it, I know of a pink-frosted monstrosity in another strip that I daresay no one has touched yet, because it makes your stomach churn just to look at it.

  60. Voshkod
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Meanwhile, Spidey and Daredevil were oblivious to the real threat: KerningMan. Yes, KerningMan, with the power to remove spaces between words, turning “me at” to “meat!” KerningMan, long-lost brother of LetterMan (famed for his work on The Electric Company), turned evil after being bitten by a radioactive space bar. And now he’s loose in San Francisco. What havoc might he wreak in the City by theBay. My God! He’s in this comment withme!

  61. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    CAKE? Uh, oh. Cats And Kitty Empire!

    Heathcliff is finally taking over the world, Pinky.

  62. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    ANNOUNCER: Say Dick, before we conclude today’s adventure, tell me: How do you and the other policemen find the energy to fight crime week in and week out?
    TRACY. That’s easy Phil. Good nutrition! Plenty of lard every day. Pure Federated Lard. You know, government scientists have proven that lard is one of the best, most concentrated sources of food energy there is! Isn’t that right, Vitamin?
    FLINTHEART. It’s a scientific fact, Richard. And the more food energy you take in, the more you will have!
    ANNOUNCER. Thanks, fellows! Let’s get back to our story.
    (music transition)
    ANNOUNCER. We join Dick and Vitamin In the drawing room of stately Bilgewater Abbey. Present: Viscount Bilgewater, Dick Tracy, Chief Patton, Vitamin Flintheart, Sam Catchem, Winky. And Theremin the Butler.
    BILGEWATER. I see you found my OTHER stately home, Chief Patton, Detective Tracy.
    CHIEF. Yes. I understand you’re having your windows replaced at the old manor, Lord Bilgewater.
    BILGEWATER. Yes. What. What. Something a litter stouter, you know.
    TRACY. That’s an excellent crime-stoppers tip.
    BILGEWATER. Well, sir, I never had a problem with people breaking in. Just the other way around. And I had to do some landscaping work, what with all the bodies falling on the lawn, what what. But to what do I owe the honor of your visit here?
    CATCHEM. The usual rannygazoo, sir. Say, Theremin, are those lard biscuits?
    BUTLER. Of course, sir. Made with Federated Lard, naturally.
    TRACY. Sam. You’re Jewish! And put out that cigarette!
    CATCHEM. (Munch munch) Rules are made to be broken!
    CHIEF. That’s a fine thing for cop to say! But these ARE excellent biscuits!
    FLINTHEART. Then it must have been the Federated Lard in the hospital food, that changed Elinor’s heart.
    TRACY. That’s right, Vitamin. Delicious Federated Lard. Recommended by hospital cafeterias everywhere.
    CHIEF. They put it in those beige squares they serve.
    BUTLER. Careful, Master Winky!
    WINKY. Aaah! My spleen!
    CHIEF. Oh no! He fell out the window!
    BILGEWATER. I sure young Winky will be fine, Chief. My drawing room here is on the ground floor.
    BUTLER. If I might make a suggestion, my lord?
    BILGEWATER. Of course, Theremin.
    BUTLER. Cook has just made some cookies. With Federated Lard. I’m sure a couple of those will make Winky’s spleen feel much better!
    [ALL] (Laughter).
    (Theme music)
    ANNOUNCER. Join us next week when Federated Lard again presents Dick Tracy, Radio Detective. Dick once again faces the diabolical Count Weirdly, in a very special adventure with guest star, Slylock Fox. Don’t miss it!
    CHORUS. ? Lard lard lard lard lard
    It makes you brave!
    It makes you hard!
    Naturally gluten free! ?
    ANNOUNCER. Federated Lard, it sticks to your ribs!
    And stay tuned for laughs, in the little house around the corner up the block, where Sadist bakes Vice a very special … cake!

  63. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Drat! Forgot to put the HTML code in for the ♫s

  64. Dood
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: It’s a signal for Cookie over at nearby Camp Swampy.

  65. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Today’s Pearls Before Swine seems directly addressed toward our Josh.
    //deadline to novel tick…tick…tick…

  66. I speak Jive
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @erdmann (#55): Anyone who is serious about keeping a journal/diary will fill up a tiny book like that in no time. If Lisa had been a serious diarist, she would have storage containers filled with notebooks.

    So Lisa never told her soul-mate Les that she kept a journal? Or he never found it when he was going through her stuff after she died? We’re supposed to believe this? It’s more likely that he found it right after the funeral, and that he spends at least a couple of hours a week masturbating over it.

    Mark Trail – Knowing that TRMT is involved in this, I am very disappointed that the nurse is wearing a 1960′s uniform instead of scrubs. And isn’t it a requirement that hospitals have to report gunshot wounds to the POLICE?

    Rex Morgan – Next up: Sarah follows a suicidal woman onto a roof and talks her out of jumping. The publicity helps make Sarah’s book an immediate best-seller.

  67. Dood
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: What’s the reason for the titular character (darn, why couldn’t I be commenting on Judge Parker right now?) going to New York?

  68. TheDiva
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    9CL: Today’s McEldowney-to-Human translation:
    Fleurrie: Sven just proposed to me out of nowhere! What should I do?
    Juliette: Um…did you try spastically leaping away?
    Fleurrie: Duh, of course. What happens next?
    Older Amos: Here, have some cocoa before the Dutch tilt spills it all over my lap.
    Juliette: Did I say you could talk, worm?

    A3G: “This is my aunt, Denise. We’re about the same age.” (shamelessly ripped off of MST3K)

    FW: Les: “Lisa’s journal? Wow, I uh…totally had no idea we had that! Really! I mean, clearly it hasn’t held up well in storage (where it’s been all this time and I’ve never seen it, I swear), look at how worn out the edges are…I-I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the pages are stuck together too; those old books had really leaking binding….yeah….”

    GT: This guy makes Lionel Hutz look like Atticus Finch.

    Luann: Come on, Dad, the worst that could happen is Luann and Quill will trade tepid “romantic banter” for three strips before sharing an even more tepid kiss. (Of course, in this strip that’s grounds for a shotgun wedding.)

    MW: “Shouldn’t we wait until the doctor discharges…”
    “Doctor? Bah! I’ve learned my lesson from Mary the Almighty and Blessed, and that’s all a body needs!”

    PBS: I feel your pain, Rat.

    Pibgorn: But…didn’t he kill his brides after…whatever, just don’t spend all week on winking innuendo before you get to the inevitable petty revenge by proxy, okay Brooke?

  69. Notmydesk
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    I actually really like today’s Heathcliff, if only for the possibilities. That flag could say anything, perhaps, DICK. “He really likes Dick,” that old woman could explain to her curious neighbor, “I guess we didn’t have to pay for the flag to be made and then pay extra for the express shipping, but, well, here we are.”

  70. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#8): ”And also I’m having a giant goose delivered to the Bob Cratchett family.”

    Heh. The parallels are amazing.

  71. teenchy
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#32): Heathcliff likes a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket…

  72. Mibbitmaker
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    A3G: Marty’s dad’s not coming because of some reason YOU DON’T GET TO KNOW HOW HE IS SICK, READERS!!!

    Archie: The criss-cross marks on the other side of his head just fell off! (p.4)

    9CL: The Burber spell is insideous. A man turns to jello, and the Burber can be mean and varios degrees of unfaithful, and you’d better be fine with that or else! With that, and the torture of females in Pibgorn, at least Brooke is….. um….. evenhanded?

    HotC: Don’t worry, Heart, there’s no danger of that.

    JP: “…to escape you. — I MEAN….”

    Glibporn: Wall of text — literally.

    Glibporn: Brooke’s militia statement.

    ZtP: That’s no surprise — a just and decent God should hate “reality” TV.

  73. seismic-2
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    FW: Are we really expected to believe that in the 7563-tape series that Lisa created to give Summer advice as she was growing up, she didn’t include one about “This was how I got pregnant, don’t let it happen to you!”? Regardless of whether Darrin was conceived from date-rape or just from a drunken encounter, surely Lisa would have shared the story as a warning, in one of her video lectures. That would be far more valuable in discrediting Frankie than Pam and Jeff’s tale about how he seemed to be threatening to punch her.

    And we’re asked to believe that Cayla knew about Lisa’s diary, but she didn’t tell Les? Sorry, girl, but for such an offense in the Funkyverse, you’ve just condemned yourself to the most horrible case of cancer ever.

  74. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Cake vs. Pie. Cake vs. Pie. Hmmm. It depends on the cake and the pie. I would think meat pies would not be considered in this competition since they are of a different genre.

    All things being equal I think I’d have to go with pie.

    //And my cat won’t eat either one.

  75. Steve the Pocket
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    There are cartoonists I could see substituting the word “CAKE” for a drawing of a cake out of either laziness or incompetence, but the Heathcliff guy wasn’t on the list. In either case, I eagerly await the followup where one of the neighbor cats raises a “PIE” flag and the inevitable war ensues. Knowing Heathcliff, it’ll probably involve flinging mice over the fence with catapults for unexplained reasons.

  76. Illustrator Steve
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    MT – “Bullet wound to the chest, eh? To HELL with calling 911. Here, you grab his arms, I’ll grab his legs and on three we’ll toss his sorry ass into the back of my jeep and take him to the LoFo ER tent!

  77. Bunivasal
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    No half hearted pun. No tired half-smirk. Pam is just powering through this interaction, dead eyes focused on the middle distance.

    Best Crankshaft ever!

  78. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#62):

    Lard! It’s not just for asses anymore!

  79. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#68): Re: Pibgorn

    Oh, goody, I see that today’s strip is up.

    It looks like the evil female demon will use her sexual wiles to trick the poor, stupid male and enslave him. That makes her a heroine for this strip. Maybe in 20 years, Dru and Troll will have the same easygoing, take-and-take relationship that Juliette and Older Amos have!

    Women! They use their sexuality to enslave us, they demean and degrade us at every turn, they have the emotional maturity of a newborn kitten … and we love them for it, so it isn’t misogyny!!

  80. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#57):

    I wonder about gopherwood. Were there gophers in antediluvian times who actually manufactured wood and by some ironic twist of fate were not allowed on the ark along with the unicorns? The gophers were so tired from making wood that they were snoozing and missed the boat?

  81. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#6): ‘Fwipp’ reminds me of Don Martin.

  82. Mibbitmaker
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#72): re: Glibporn: I didn’t see the date on Darkgate before commenting on it. Still wondering why an unrelated manifesto-by-proxy (assuming it was a genuine quote. The wording of it seems too McEldowney-like, though) showed up in the middle of a… storyline? Did Thorax infiltrate things in a particularly bloviatey mood or something?

    Today’s Glibporn: ….um…..

    um…..

    Er, what an odd manifesto there. Weird.

  83. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#81):

    You may enjoy this.

  84. seismic-2
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#80): What I always wondered about the Ark was why Noah allowed the termites to get on board.

  85. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#84):

    Maybe gopherwood is termite proof.

  86. Mibbitmaker
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    So while Heathcliff salutes his blank flag with the word “cake” on it, he ignores the real flag he should be saluting – the blank flag with “USA” printed on it!

  87. Dennis Jimenez
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff – Show your true flag, “SHIT.” This strip is really shit….

    Crank – Semiphore Flags, from your old days in the signal corps, perhaps….

    S-M – The more homo-errotica in the funny pages, the better is my sentiment….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  88. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    A&J and Lio share the classics of physical humor.

    SBp: some jokes should be killed at the conceptual stage.

    FW: and choirs of heavenly hosts sang “Hallelujah” at the mention of Saint Dead Lisa’s name.

    RwO: *snurk* one of my last pair of ferrets was deathly afraid of the vacuum. His cagemate was deaf, so she didn’t mind it in the least.

  89. Ned Ryerson
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#84): For a very interesting take on this question, read Chapter 1, The Stowaway in Julian Barnes’ A History of the World in 10½ Chapters.

  90. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth votes for cake.

  91. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . Dakimakura body pillows.

  92. Dennis Jimenez
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#1): *Sung In Bandar Tongue….

  93. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Nuklhd (#47): Don’t they have those propeller planes pulling advertising banners on the west coast?

  94. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#93): Oops that was at 46, not 47. Sorry.
    //maybe he fwipped to a passing hot air balloon with dragon wings?

  95. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Today in Crotch Shot Theater: The Amazing Spider-Man! (Somebody write a parody of “Crotch Shot Theater” to the tune of “Cat Scratch Fever,” please.)

    Apt. 3-G: Sometime, somewhere, some friend of Frank Bolle’s named Denise agreed to let him sketch her, and she is PISSED.

    Snuffy Smith: In the time it took for you to scan from Snuffy to the television set, peak “Duck Dynasty” was reached and is now in an inexorable slide to cultural irrelevance.

    Beetle Bailey: Beetle seems to think Sarge is suspicious of his status as a living creature, but that sidelong glance actually reveals his despairing ennui, trapped as he is in a universe of legacy strips with no purpose for existence other than to suck the delicious, delicious braaaaaaiiiinnnns out of their readers.

    9 Chickweed Lane: Suggested update to Poe’s Law: absent a clear indication of Brooke McEldowney’s intent, it is difficult, if not impossible, to tell the difference between the mind of a sick fuck and the parody of the mind of a sick fuck.

    Crock: Would you really ask your server to identify the “grade” of the restaurant, even assuming such a thing were handed out? No, no you would not. Would your server look utterly defeated and almost suicidal after revealing it to you? No, no he would not. That comes later, in the moments between self-loathing and rehearsing his lines for that avant-garde multimedia provocation, after he’s shaken you down for as big a tip as he can.

    Frank and Ernest: Ernie has been wearing a wire for the government. Once Frank wakes up from his fever dream, he’ll take his best friend out for a boat ride nobody will soon forget.

    Hi and Lois: Must not photoshop punchline onto picture of collapsing bridge. Must. Not.

    Mark Trail: I am utterly perplexed by today’s episode. WhywouldyoucarryashotmanlikeasackofpotatoeswhydidJasonintroducehimselfiftheyknowwhoeachotherarenursesdon’twearhatslikethatanymorehowdoestheshotguywakeupafterthirtysecondsinthehospitalwhatdoesthishavetodowithotters?

    Mary Worth: Please tell me this is all an elaborate lead-up to Elinor shanking Tom and/or Beth.

  96. Randy
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Was today’s Heathcliff written by a seven year old? Because this is just the sort of thing a kid of that age would come up with when trying to be funny on command.

  97. Joshua
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @Danzig (#26): Didn’t Spider-Man get to San Francisco in the first place by hanging on to a truck?

  98. Stroker Ace
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff ~ Wish Heathcliff really liked anti-freeze.

  99. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    FW: Love Cayla’s expression in the last panel. She is so over this Lisa shit, I have expect her to start yelling “LISA! LISA!! LISA!!! any moment now.

    MW: Wow, Elinor’s fake brush with not-death really turned her around!

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#95) re: MW: Perhaps with her unwashed catheter?

  100. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#83): Ha, ha! I particularly remember the old “snap poobadloof” as if it were yesterday. In fact, it was yesterday.
    //36 D, why do you ask?

  101. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#80): I’m glad you asked. It’s actually from the Hebrew גופר עץ, “otter wood.”

  102. Uncle Lumpy
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#73):

    Are we really expected to believe that in the 7563-tape series that Lisa created to give Summer advice as she was growing up, she didn’t include one about “This was how I got pregnant, don’t let it happen to you!”?

    But she did exactly that, dammit.

  103. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#85): Semi-serious answer: one interpretation of “gopherwood” is that it actually means “pitched wood,” which would presumably be termite-proof.

  104. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#101):

    Everything gets back to otters.

  105. Dartpaw86
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#54):

    I personally only know “One More Day” from AT4W, which Linkara’s utter hatred for it is iconic. And yes he pointed out every single thing you said plus more of why it sucks though, I’m sure you’re aware of Linkara :3

  106. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    lolScience.

    Batman, 1972.

    Plugger Social Media. (think about it. . . .)

    speaking of ferrets. *dooks*

    Resistance is Futile. (Kaiser TDP)

    corgi does museum lion pose.

    monkey momz.

    IGGYS!! (my barber breeds them, always fun to have a litter at the shop.)

  107. Filthy Assistant
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Uh, wait. I haven’t been following this Spider-Man storyline too closely, but Matt lives in New York too. Stop messing with established canon, Newspaper Spider-Man!

  108. Peanut Gallery
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#84), @Ned Ryerson (#89): Mark Twain in Letters from the Earth did a really long, sarcastic riff about how Noah and family had to endure being stuffed to the eyebrows with important disease microbes, the pestiferous flies were the Creator’s special pets, etc.

  109. TheDiva
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#73): But if Lisa gave her daughter common-sense advice based on real-world experience, she’d never learn how to be a passive martyr whose life can be exploited posthumously!

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#79): McEldowney’s work confirms my hypothesis that the famous “Bechdel test” is at best an imperfect means of judging a work’s attitude towards women. Brooke has multiple female characters, and they converse with each other on subjects other than men–but he approaches the gender as a whole as a race of incomprehensible aliens solely defined by their sexuality.

  110. geogreg
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: At first I was mystified by Heathcliff’s “Cake” flag. I mean, don’t cats usually like meaty things like fish or mice? Can they even digest cake? But once someone upthread brought up the band Cake, I realized that I should have known it all along. Cats (at least those voice by “Weird Al” Yankovic) love Cake: http://youtu.be/PtMU8nvZzOs

  111. bbofun
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#34): When Lisa told Les (not as good a story as “When Harry Met Sally), she didn’t even suggest it might be rape- she basically said they had been drinking, and later said something about “one lousy time- and I do mean LOUSY!” Actually, the story of Les finding Lisa pregnant, and helping out with the delivery, was told AFTER timeshift #1, in a series of flashbacks, after Lisa found out she and Les were going to have a baby. Basically, she “lies” to him twice- it wasn’t really a lie, of course, since Batiuk hadn’t decided to retcon events to ensure Lisa’s sainthood (look, she didn’t decide to sleep with a man other than her one true love- she was raped! So, basically, she was still a virgin when she married Les! Now, you can all sleep soundly!). The whole thing is in the Archives section of the Funky website.

    I’m actually wondering how Batiuk’s going to handle this, just in terms of the word “rape”- I have the feeling his syndicate isn’t going to let him use it, and, unlike the “gay prom” story, this arc can’t just be jettisoned for alternate strips (yes, Batiuk actually had a set of alternate strips for papers to run if they didn’t want the prom story- because, y’know, principles, I guess). Even in the interview that mentioned this story, he just said “there was some coercion involved.”

    Y’all know Cayla didn’t mention the journal when she found it because she knew Les would lock himself in a room with it for days, right?

    A teenage girl had a journal with a plain black cover? Yeah, seems about right for Funkytown.

    9CL- The only way to read this, at least to me, is that Juliette is suggesting Older Amos isn’t sufficiently romantic- but, IIRC, didn’t he propose to her several times? And didn’t they get married? So, what the hell is this suppose to mean?

    Pigporn- So, how did Dru get out of the ropes? And why would the troll/Caliph call her a virgin?And why is her hair different, suddenly? And why… (faceslap) Thanks, I needed that.

  112. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#109): he approaches the gender as a whole as a race of incomprehensible aliens solely defined by their sexuality

    Why, it is almost as if he has a completely facile understanding of women!

    He would, however, like to remind his incomprehensible alien overlords that, as a trusted cartoonist, he can be useful in rounding up …. others …. to serve as slaves in their underground sex dungeons.

  113. Écureuil Écumant
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

  114. Gringo
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Funky Retconbean: No way Saint Lisa’s Journal is stashed in a shoebox in the back of a closet shelf. You know Les would have it preserved under glass at the center of a shrine in the living room.

  115. Little Guy
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Throwing this out to the Mungeons (looking at you, bats :[)

    Mashup of the Phantom Chronicles with Lisa’s Journal. That is, the volumes and volumes in the Skull Cave are all volumes of Lisa’s Journal.

  116. Liam
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    A3G-”My dad has a headache so bad he tried to cure it by taking a bullet to the head.”

    Love Is-Until this one dies on you.

  117. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Randy (#96):

    Was today’s Heathcliff written by a seven year old? Because this is just the sort of thing a kid of that age would come up with when trying to be funny on command.

    It’s funny you should put it that way. When I was a kid (about seven) I loved Heathcliff and had couple of paperback collections. I don’t have them anymore, so I don’t know for sure if George Gately’s panels were as nonsensical as Peter Gallagher’s are, but now that Heathcliff has become a ‘Mudgeon staple, I’ve been thinking about what its appeal might have been for me back then.

    I think it’s that Heathcliff isn’t so much a cat as he’s a kid without constraints. (Being a cat is simply a narrative device to explain why no one really tries to rein him in (until it’s too late).) He does what he wants, however antisocial, the way he wants, however inscrutable, when he wants, however inconvenient it is for others — and all anyone one does about it is put their hands in their pockets and comment on his behavior out of the side of their mouths. Occasionally he’s arrested, but he takes his punishment with complete nonchalance. Very occasionally he throws a childlike tantrum if he is somehow denied something he want or if some scheme didn’t turn out the way he intended.

    His behavior has a weird sort of whimsical kid logic to it where the goal isn’t just to get what you want, but to get it big — with style. He’s not going to merely walk home from his girlfriend’s house, he’s going to fly away in a balloon. He’s not going to just get into a fight with a dog, he’s going to kick its ass vigilante-style and hand it over to the po-po. He’s not just going to accidentally knock a baseball through somebody’s window, he’s going to intentionally smash the the fishmonger’s window as part of some elaborate heist designed to look like an accident.

    Heathcliff seems to be a 7-year-old’s power fantasy, presented with a 7-year-old’s illogic and poor grasp on the workings of reality.

  118. Holly Folly
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    It must be a bold fashion move to dress yourself in the color of your neighbors house.

  119. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

  120. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#104): Yes, it does.

  121. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    113. Écureuil Écumant

    A bit dicey. Casino Royale might be the place for it!

  122. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#115): In retrospect, how much more obvious could it have been that Lisa is the Ghost Who Walks?

  123. Little Guy
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    GT: There isn’t enough facepalm memes on the Internet to cover this.

  124. Gringo
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

  125. HJA
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @BeckoningChasm (#41): Agreed! I’ve even been looking (in vain, alas) for collections of Gallagher’s Heathcliffs on Amazon. Note that I have not been conducting a similar search for Crock anthologies.

  126. Gringo
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#52): Meanwhile, Brewster Rockit has pie on the brain, too.

    If pie on the brain is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

  127. tallyHO
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (why twas just yesterday, it was! #265):

    I knew he wrote “A Boy Named Sue” but I doubt I’ve heard “The Unicorn” before. If I have, and it is a possibility, I did not listen to the lyrics.

    In fact, even upon this instance, I didn’t listen to the lyrics of the song at all. All I caught was the brogue in which they sang and the improptu rhetorical rap at the end. If I’m gonna listen to Irish music, they need to prove to me that they’re drunk. If they can’t do that (and I’m looking at U U2!) then what are you all about again? What really matters in the world, Irish musician?

    Anyway, sorry. I’m as picky about Irish music as I am picky about banjo-ing. Back to the “’Irish’ Rovers”…..What were they wearing? Did someone say,

    “OK, boy-o’s. What I wantcha ta do is strip to yer naturally paleness in front of God and all his angels.

    Then we’ll take a pick’tcher of yas and there’s a special set o’ Colorforms ™ we have which will enhance yer authenticity by a factor of 1000 The end result will make you look like Guinness Geniuses. Jus’ trust us!”

    Then there was that dang grass green set of turtle necks. In what kind of stereotype where they trying to fit? Quadraphony Stereo?

    Bah, man! It is too early in the morn’ for me ta get me Irish up. And, sadly it is too early in the morn’ to “Irish” up my coffee. Yet, tis a long day in the day on the Emerald Isle. *sob–weep weep*

    Waitasecond, me boy-o! Tweren’t yesterday Bloomsday?
    I do believe it twas! June 16! Tis cause fer celebration. Now excuse me while I make my coffee patriotic!

    //and give me two shakes of a lamb’s tail and about 120 shakes of some lamb booty before I read the comics, snark like a snarktapus and generally multitask by mainly procrastinating. Happy Monday!

  128. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Could not resist: Oops.

  129. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#128):

    That’s what happens when you GUZzle beer.

  130. the REAL Mark Trail
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#66): you’re right … I was only “involved” on this one

  131. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#130): I was gonna say, it looks like we’ve reverted in art style here.

  132. Dagger
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    MJ’s waiting for a meat home? I guess she’s finally starting to comprehend the kind of mortgages Peter can afford on a freelance photographer’s income.

  133. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#129): A King of a pun, that.

  134. I speak Jive
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#106): I do NOT want to think about how a Plugger might like that post.

  135. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#133):

    Actually, “Guz” is the king’s nickname, short for “Guzzle.”

    Really!

  136. bats :[
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    While most of the folks here question the medical practices of Lost Forest, I think there may be something deeper and far more insidious going on…

  137. The Ridger
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Cranky: How is Jeff standing in the shade cast by the sun behind him with shadows on his face but not his chest? Or is that a metaphorical “in the shade” representing how he will always come second with his wife, even when her father treats her like dirt? Or is it actual shade, and what we’re seeing is him sidling around the two of them like a cameraman working for Michael Bay? Perhaps portending a massive Baysian explosion? Please?

  138. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Something for Nehemiah Scudder:

    http://bill-purkayastha.blogspot.in/2013/06/alien.html

    Right-o. Good night, all.

  139. greghousesgf
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#12): Has anybody ever bothered to listen to that album?

  140. bats :[
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#101): gopherwood is also known as shittimwood. I kid you not.
    Let the jokes about ursine Pluggers begin.

  141. bats :[
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#128): very nicely done! clapclapclap!

  142. 150
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    The third panel of today’s Crankshaft is the fourth unpublished panel of every Crankshaft.

  143. The Ridger
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#27): I don’t know how he’s getting off the beach, but he could just spin another hammock and ride back to New York on a semi, the way he got to San Francisco in the first place. It’s not like anyone would pay him any attention, based on the last trip.

  144. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    I hope Nehemiah Scudder brought enough birthday cake to feed Billy DeBeck’s many fans:

    https://www.facebook.com/BuckPishko/posts/3348364676761

  145. neographite
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Why do I stress all proper names, strangely emphasizing *Matt Murdoch” and “MJ* and everyone else? Is it because I watch too much gossip TV, and have come to follow *Nancy O’Dell* and *Billy Bush* as my style guides?

  146. The Ridger
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#111): 9CL: Indeed, the only way to read this is that Juliette would dump Older Amos’s ass in a heartbeat for Sveth. How romantic.

  147. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#1): Dulce et decorum est pro spiritu mori*

    *In the Bandar tongue

  148. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#84): There were only two termites. They were little baby ones, and couldn’t eat much wood. Serious. That’s also the Young Earther Biblical literalists explanation why the lions and tigers didn’t eat the gazelles. Noah brought lion and tiger kittens, and enough Purina to feed them through the Flood.

  149. Liam
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Curtis-What is shocking is that your teacher is more genre savy than you, Curtis, in that she knows that nothing ever changes.

    MW-”I’ve also promised to help Tiny Tim. Is it to late to stop him becoming a ukelele player?”

  150. Amos Snarkadder
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    MW: “Mr. Harpman”? “Leave my room so I can get dressed”?
    Why all these formalities? “Tom” may as well get used to seeing “Mom” walking around naked. After all, he did promise to be there for her.

  151. The Ridger
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    FW: Where were these bedrooms that Cayla was painting? In the house in which they are now living? One being Les’s and the other Summer’s? And neither of them ever looked in the box in the closet? WTF? Was Sully or Randall lurking in there?

  152. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#138): Refulgent. Thank you.

    // Are there still real paperback science fiction magazines in the world? Like Analog or F&SF or Galaxy? If there are, you ought to submit that. If there aren’t, well that’s a damn shame.

  153. Amos Snarkadder
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    Luann: It looks like Quill has put on a little weight.
    And nice cock block, Mr. & Mrs. Degroot! Looks like you’ve been practicing. On each other.

  154. Calico
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps Heathcliff is a big fan of the band Cake?

  155. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#144): Me? Birthday cake? Are you kidding? That guy OWES me, big time.

    // If someone can get the flour and sugar, I have a good source for lard, though.

  156. Liam
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-They are hoping that Cranky makes a pun in front of the wrong person in New York and gets killed.

  157. Calico
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    MW – Awwww!

    Zits – Awwwwwwww!

    FW – Awwwwwwwrrrrrrrnnnnnkkkkkkkk

  158. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#141): Since Alley and Andy are right next to one another in my feed, it was an easy one to see. And fortunately, the cleanup was not difficult.

  159. Calico
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Digger (#2):
    Why is he going to NY anyway?

  160. Esther Blodgett
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    FW: “Oh, hey, I found Lisa’s diary back when we were painting bedrooms. I just tossed it in the back of the closet, though. Didn’t think there was any cause to mention it, what with Les so clearly having gotten over her death and moved on.”

  161. Dale
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#95):

    MARK TRAIL

    1) Neither Mark nor Jason is very smart.

    2) It is quite possible to recognize a byline without having a clue to what the person looks like, or even its sex.

  162. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#124): Re: “End of the Movie”

    It also always get to me too. It’s amazing how true it becomes as you get older. “I know it will probably end the way these things always end, and sometimes I wish they could just wrap things up already, but I’ve invested too much into the narrative to just quit and not see it resolve itself naturally.”

  163. Calico
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @Stev0 (#31):
    Ha, got me there!
    I think Hil Forth is a fan too.

  164. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#140): [Pedantry] According to Wikipedia, gopherwood is simply a transliteration of the Hebrew gofer, which is used only once in the Bible. So we’re not really sure what it refers to: shittim wood, or Acacia, would be one guess, but there have been plenty of others along the way.

    What’s perhaps of more interest is that word we translate as “ark” is the very same one used to describe the basket of reeds in which Moses floats down the Nile. Two ways of saving the world, one device for the saving! [/Pedantry]

  165. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    H&J: The Sandburg quote is NOT in Wikiquotes, nor in paper Bartletts, nor in paper Oxford. It is, however in brainyquote.com, without, of course, any citation. The sentiment is sort of true, but trite, like something an old time newspaper might put in a “thoughts for the day” column, or that you might find in a particularly boring church bulletin. Bet you a bottle of your favorite beverage it’s bogus. // Has Stephen Bentley been collaborating with Karen Moy?

    MW: And then, suddenly, Elinor realized that she loved asparagus.

  166. walt d.
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    FW: I took the hint and hunted out the FW “archive”. “Teen Pregnancy Arc.” My reaction to the introductory strips was that the first-time-jump Les was too good for Lisa. The adult Lisa is one annoying bitch. (Ladies and gentlemen, please calm down! Walt has left the building.)

    FW: My apologies to the Fairgoods. Lisa was in fact not a Westview student, and thus none of their concern. It is unlikely that the infamous incident even took place there until TB needed a handy witness.

    FW: The strips suggest that F and L were, however briefly, a couple, and that the sex occurred only once, in the van, and was “lousy”. So we’re back to date-rape or something approaching it.

    FW: But all past events are, well, in the past. Anything which interferes with the story TB wishes to tell now may be dealt with as Press Secretary Ron Ziegler once responded to a pesky reporter: “This is the operative statement. The others are inoperative.” (4-17-1973; from Wiki.)

  167. Dale
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    HEATHCLIFF

    I wouldn’t expect a flag with martini glasses.
    Is he offering to share?
    If Garfield had a lasagna flag, you wouldn’t see it flying.

  168. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#164): Well, duh, I guess someone had to go fer the wood, right?

  169. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#167): Too true. Garfield would be using it to wipe his ass as he half-liddedly thought balloons, “Going in or coming out, it’s all lasagna.”

  170. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @walt d. (#166): I never thought about this, but to what was Lisa comparing it when she described the sex as ‘lousy’ – she was a busy girl, I take it.
    //You are unusually terse today, walt.

  171. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Heathcliff reminded me of this classic.

  172. seismic-2
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Crank: “Whatever.” – translation: “When you get back you are just so headed to a nursing home in a different town from us, old man.”

    A3G: In Panel 2 Marty has aged so much that I can’t tell who is Denise and who is de aunt. [/rimshot]

  173. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#134): I was figuring for P-mail.

  174. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#159): To visit his other daughter, probably. We get this at least once every couple of years…

  175. tallyHO
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Obviously, Heathcliff is letting his cake flag fly.

  176. seismic-2
    June 17th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#174):
    > To visit torment his other daughter, probably.
    FIFY

  177. Droopy Says
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Is there such a thing as “fan disservice”? Because that’s what Batiuk is doing with this arc. He’s taken a heavy-duty topic and turned it into a joke. This will never be about Lisa’s miserable experience. It’s going to be about Mary Sue Moore playing detective as he deciphers the subtle hints in Lisa’s diary (which only make sense to him now, for reasons) then figures out how Frankiestein plans to destroy Cash Cow Lisa’s reputation and reveals how to thwart him.

  178. Voshkod
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    The cake flag is a lie!

    (So very sorry, but I felt someone had to say it.)

  179. debussy fields
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#8):
    MW-”And also I’m having a giant goose delivered to the Bob Cratchett family.” “Oh, shit. Must I be reminded that the ex-wife used to refer to my masculinity as ‘Tiny Tim’?”

  180. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: This is even dumber than St. Michael of Asshat over at the FOOB getting a big fat “pre-published” check for his narcissistic self-uplifting piece of glurge known as “Stone Season”….

  181. Baka Gaijin
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    And now the happy threesome leaves Mountain View Hospital to ride to the wedding chapel in Elinor’s Dodge Scaravan. Come on, what else would Mrs. Kinley drive since they discontinued Oldsmobiles?

    Yet another aggressive crotch shot in Spiderman. Quelle surprise.

    Thanks to Snuffy Smith, I learned there’s a reality show based on duck call makers who look like ZZ Top extras. I guess it’s better than knocked-up teenagers.

    I call “Shenanigans” on Pluggers. Summer Plugger should be in a stream in Alaska slapping fish out of a stream.

  182. A-wel Cruiz
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Andy Capp: And Andy never mixed tequilla and absinthe again.

    Apartment 3-G: The original draft:

    Marty: “My dad couldn’t come today, Lu-ann.”

    Lu-ann: “Oh, that’s too bad.”

    Marty: “DAMMIT LU-ANN, YOU DON’T GET IT! YOU’LL NEVER GET IT!” (Storms out)

    Lu-ann: O_o

    Better Half: Harriet understands. She’s been married to one for years.

    Blondie: Whatever it was, I’ll bet it was food related.

    Curtis: And for a minute there, I thought something interesting was happening. Hooray for the status quo.

    Dennis the Menace: Mr. Wilson chose to lounge in his hammock in fishnet stockings. He has only himself to blame.

    Family Circus: Know what I like about TV? NO READING!

    Funky Winkerbean: Good to see Batiuk still continuing the blistering pace of a snail riding a turtle on a glacier. Slow it down, Batty, I don’t want whiplash!

    Henry: Henry wants to bang his mom. Am I reading this right?

    Heathcliff: There’s great opportunity for vandalism here. I’d suggest putting a picture of a female cat on the flag, and changing the caption to “He really likes pussy.”

    Lockhorns: I’d say Leroy is more likely contemplating “Til Death do us Part.”

    Pearls Before Swine: Personally, I often get on my computer with the intent to check out Comics Curmudgeon, only to first waste several hours on TV Tropes or YouTube first.

    Pluggers: Summer is the right to bare bear arms.

    Popeye: This is the problem with making new Sunday strips while rerunning old dailies. Yesterday, Popeye was shown conversing with Wimpy, even though we’re in the middle of a storyline where everyone’s ignoring Wimpy. Also, it seems the plan has now gone tits up. Gee, you don’t suppose if we hang this poster here the moocher might see it, do you?

    Slylock Fox: Looks like Andy Capp’s been here. YAY, FULL CIRCLE!

  183. Voshkod
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#181): “Aggressive Crotch Shot” is my favorite new-wave banjo band.

  184. Dale
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    The highest priorities are billing and medical. They do have some time to call the cops.

    I do NOT want to learn that bringing someone into an emergency room earns an automatic invite to the recovery room. Will real reporter Jason get in?
    How long did Mark and Jason hang around the hospital?

    Mark has to take Jason back to Eddie’s cabin to get his vehicle.
    Hey! This cabin is abandoned. Let’s search it for CLUES.

  185. Baka Gaijin
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @A-wel Cruiz (#182) on Henry: Yes. Oedipus would applaud.

    @Voshkod (#183): Lesbian new-wave banjo band?

  186. Chip Whittle
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    Birdbrains today is still in the middle of the last Mark Trail story, by the way. Somebody may want to airlift them into an otter pond.

  187. Voshkod
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#185): Aren’t all new-wave banjo bands lesbian new-wave banjo bands?

  188. O'Shrug, eh?
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#252):

    “Interesting fact: The “Irish Rovers” were from Canada.”

    Or, in MARK TRAIL terms, “the southern part of the Ireland.”

    ////Well, they admitted to being “rovers,” so by definition Ireland was the only place they couldn’t have been (recently) from.

  189. Alison
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#57):
    No, the unicorn was busy playing and goofing off, so the Ark left without it and it drowned. I never liked that song.

  190. From Approximately Coast to Shrug
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y271):

    “More odd, I think, is the ad I’ve been seeing a lot, for Baileigh Industrial. They make lathes, and machines to bend pipes and sheet metal. Good stuff, I’m sure, but how many folks casually browsing here are in the market for that?”

    Not me. We buy our household steel ingots directly from the Monongahela Metal Foundry. Oh, I know it’s tempting to buy a cut-rate own blast furnace and “roll your own,” but for something as important as household steel ingots you can’t go wrong by letting the professionals do it.

  191. yaoi huntress earth
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Did anyone else notice Brooke’s little attempt to be a late 1800′s satirist on that post he made on Sunday?

  192. Dennis Jimenez
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#189): Acording to Ray Harryhousen, Calibos killed all the flying horses (but Pegasus) – I think he was Greek….

  193. Alison
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: Didn’t Luann and her parents discuss beforehand where Lover Boy was staying? Maybe they tried to but Luann was so busy throwing a tantrum about not being accepted into drama camp that she didn’t hear it.

    “Rex Morgan”: That blonde woman is Sarah’s daycare teacher, isn’t she? Why would she bother to do all this for Sarah? If she was Sarah’s nanny, I could understand, since her job would be to spend all day taking care of only Sarah. But a daycare worker? Doesn’t she have ten or twenty other children she has to watch? Why would she put this much energy into one student?

    “Mary Worth”: Even Liz and Anthony from FOOB are looking at this and saying, “Man, that proposal was terrible.”

  194. Ed Dravecky
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    All poor Heathcliff wants is a girl with a mind like a diamond, a girl who knows what’s best, a girl with shoes that cut and eyes that burn like cigarettes. Is that so wrong?

  195. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#191):

    Yes, and it made me feel as dirty as I do when I find myself agreeing with something Rush Limbaugh is saying for a few seconds, before he takes it completely off the deep end.

  196. "Lo, There Shall Be a Shrug-Snark!"
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#y164):

    I like the image you inspired of Thor’s sometime-ladygoddess drinking alone at a dive bar.

    Local Lothario comes on to her, but when she admits her name is “Sif” he quickly loses interest.

  197. Baka Gaijin
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#187): Ah yes. I forgot.

    @Alison (#193) on Luann: Even Liz and Anthony from FOOB are looking at this and saying, “What a self-involved bitch.”

  198. Dan
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Daredevil, don’t wave around a phallic object while bragging about your date tonight. I know it’s just guys out there on the beach, but still… it’s kinda tacky.

  199. Jim (Finally Back) in Wisc.
    June 17th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    What an utter “joke” this Rapey Cancerstrokebean “story” has become. I’ve seen 5th grade creative writing projects that were done better than this.

  200. Liam
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    MW-And that day Elinor’s heart grew three sizes big fortunately she was in a hospital and they could look at this heart condition.

  201. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#189): I believe it was SpeedBump that did a riff on that a while back. Ark sailing off, a dragon and a unicorn frolicking on a hill in the rain.

    so, like what about all the whales and fishes and seabirds? Ark had a pool?

  202. Dale
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @From Approximately Coast to Shrug (#190):

    Whether you cast your own ingots or not, you still need the machines.
    It’s better to have the tools before you need them. What if the stores are closed?
    I’d get some, but I don’t have the space, and they probably cost on the high side of $100. each.

  203. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#192): iirc the original mythology was that Pegasus sprang from the blood of Medusa when Perseus slew her, thus making him a flying Petrification check for the rest of his history. One would assume that any further flying horses came later.

  204. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

  205. Dale
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    FUNKY

    Looks like the party followed Cayla up to the bedroom rather than wait.
    Dar(r)in may have stayed behind to finish off the drinks and snacks.

  206. Dennis Jimenez
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#203): But the Rolf Harris sang that the aborginies nailed his hide to the shed, so there aren’t anymore today – right???

  207. Jim (Finally Back) in Wisc.
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#156): Or that he makes a pun about saying “Hi” to “Jack” while boarding the plane and Homeland Security drags him off to Gitmo.

  208. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#193): re RMMD: Because… blah blah blah… Rex Morgan!

  209. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

  210. Calico
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#200):
    Now let’s all join hands, make a circle, and sing!

  211. Calico
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#194):
    I’ll bet Top Cat has the perfect match for Heath.

  212. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Jim (Finally Back) in Wisc. (#207): that was an actual Dilbert, many years ago. Not funny then, either. So, perfect for Crankshaft.

  213. Calico
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#180):
    For some odd reason, “Stone Season” always reminds me of Shirley Jackson…

  214. Vince M
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#127): If you haven’t heard “The Unicorn” it means you’ve never been in an Irish pub with a live band that takes requests from drunken yahoos. (I knew some musicians who eventually adopted a strict “No Unicorn” policy).

  215. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 17th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#189): Yes, I always thought it was terribly sad and unfair, too. Didn’t stop me from listening to it approximately 10 kajillion times, though.

  216. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @A-wel Cruiz (#182): Henry wants to bang his mom. Am I reading this right?

    It doesn’t help that Henry’s favorite Beyoncé Knowles song is “Suga Mama.”

  217. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#213): Hot damn! Somebody actually posted it on YouTube — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIm93Xuij7k&list=PLD466E1A73CFED166

    I enjoyed “The Lottery”, but for the life of me could never understand why they made us read it (and showed us the movie) in grade 7.

  218. Liam
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    MW-The amazing thing about this story is that Elinor actually induced a heart attack in an attempt to keep Beth away from Tom not fake a heart attack. Someone with that sort of willpower is somebody you should watch out for because who knows what else they are capable of.

  219. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @”Lo, There Shall Be a Shrug-Snark!” (#196): Local Lothario comes on to her, but when she admits her name is “Sif” he quickly loses interest.

    When she tells him her middle name is “Phyllis,” he does the Condorito PLOP!

  220. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#193): Re: “Rex Morgan”: That blonde woman is Sarah’s daycare teacher, isn’t she?

    I believe that she is the trophy wife of Avery Blackstone, Master of the Universe, and inexplicably is also working as the Morgans’ nanny.

  221. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#220): Probably just for teh lulz.

  222. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#217): What’s wrong with a story about down-home traditional values and community togetherness? It’s perfectly appropriate for 7th graders. Why, I remember reading in 7th grade a tale of a man who, after meticulously murdering, carefully dismembering, and cleverly disposing beneath the floorboards his elderly neighbor, experiences change of heart and confesses his wrongs to the proper authorities. Heart-warming stuff!

  223. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#218):

    Induced a heart attack

    Woah. Elinor is, like, a Scanner or something!

  224. CanuckDownSouth
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny (#222): Good grief, in grade 7 we had The Hobbit and some novel about a boy and a badger that must have been selected because it was Set Near Here. The dark stuff like The Lottery didn’t start until grade 10.

  225. sally
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    “Daredevil lives a great bachelor life here in San Fran. Also, he’s figured out a much more aerodynamic way to swing from buildings than mine! Granted, his doesn’t display his crotch nearly as effectively, but I wonder if he has fewer backaches?”

  226. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#224): In 6th grade I wrote a book report on Anatole France’s ‘Revolt of the Angels’. I didn’t realize it was blasphemous at the time. I just thought it was funny. What my teacher thought, who knows. We got ‘The Lottery’ in 7th grade, too. I had read Poe long before that. Kids love spooky gory stuff.

  227. Baka Gaijin
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#218): You know, as I think about that whole event again, my money is on Elinor schtupping the entire cardiology department in a Dingo-esque tableaux of debauchery in order to win a myocardial infarc diagnosis.

  228. Shrug, with Seven of the Clean Jokes and Two of the Unclean Ones
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#57):

    I’ve always wondered about Noah making the ark out of “gopherwood.” I assume these were the giant pre-Deluge gophers whose survivors are now living in Lost Forest, but even so it doesn’t seem like a very practical material, and I don’t like to think about what Noah must have had to do to get them excited enough for, uh, harvesting.

  229. Anonymous
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#170): Maybe she meant she caught lice from the van. (Gross.)

  230. Anonymous
    June 17th, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#185): Oedipus gets a bad rap. He didn’t know that was his mom! He also gouged out his own eyes once he found out, so I think it’s fair to say he’d be against the idea.

  231. Shrug, Swinging from the Family Tree
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#68):

    “This is my aunt, Denise. We’re about the same age.”

    Never understood why that was funny. One of my nephews (via my older sister) is older than his aunt (my younger sister), and another three or so are “about the same age.”

    //Actually my “older sister” is an older half-sister, so I suppose to be fair we’d have to divide her kids’ ages in half, though.

  232. tallyHO
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @Vince M (#214):

    Or, it means I have heard it played by a live band and I was just too drunk to try and listen to it. Though, I’m not sure if any Irish pubs I’ve been too were that great to have live bands. I can think of a few bands I’ve heard live but nothing they did stands out as there is a good chance that *I* was not too enthused about being there and tried to ignore as much as possible.

  233. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#232):

    If you were scoring chicks then you probably were not listening to whatever music was playing.

  234. Uncle Lumpy
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#220):

    I believe that she is the trophy wife of Avery Blackstone, Master of the Universe, and inexplicably is also working as the Morgans’ nanny.

    Yeah, she was the nanny first, then set up a daycare right in the Morgans’ building (!), then married rich ol’ Avery but kept doing daycare because of the reasons. All this was accomplished in the misty past of 2004.

    BTW, let me heartily recommend Josh’s sadly underutilized “More archives” tool up there in the banner for quick lookups and archive binges of all sorts. Set that sucker up for all posts featuring a comic and 99 posts per page, then use browser search for the name of the comic to click your way through years of beloved strips at a time! Or even FOOB!

  235. Old School Allie Cat
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    They call it Funky Winkerbean because I can smell the bullshit from here.

  236. Uncle Lumpy
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    The opposite of a “trophy wife” is an “atrophy wife”, as Tom Harpman is about to learn.

  237. Alison
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#220): @Uncle Lumpy (#234):
    So this woman was Sarah’s nanny, and now she’s Sarah’s daycare teacher? What a glutton for punishment.

    That explains her interest in Sarah’s book, I guess. I thought maybe her reason was that she was going to get a small cut of the book profits (which, knowing RMMD, would be at least a million dollars), but then I realized that is ridiculous. A Morgan would never let anyone else share their cash. It would be like a “Mary Worth” story in which Mary has a chance to meddle, and instead says, “You know, this is none of my business,” and walks away. Not gonna happen.

  238. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#236): COTW, but it’s only Monday, after all…

  239. Lumaca Morente
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#230): I’m surprised Brooke hasn’t used this storyline yet. Oh the fun he could have.

  240. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#234):

    I’ve used that archive before and I can be be almost like TV tropes in getting lost in it especially if you start reading old comments. But don’t expect most of the old links to still be working.

    Here’s a link that will probably still work twenty years from now. Dagnabit.

  241. On Your Mark -- one, twain, Shrug!
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

  242. erdmann
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#66): Maybe it will turnout this is just Vol. XXIII of her journal. Of course, the volume they need is XXIV, so the book will be absolutely no help.

  243. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#236):

    There’s nothing wrong with Beeth that a little Estée Larder wouldn’t fix.

  244. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @From Approximately Coast to Shrug (#190): Monongahela. Now that you mention it, that’s a brand I’ve gradually grown to trust.

  245. Comparisons, like Shrug, are Odious
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#170):

    “Life is very strange,” said Jeremy.
    “Compared to what?” asked the spider.

  246. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#202): I expect our friend Swordsmith could help us out on this burning question. Alas, he hasn’t posted much lately. Probably having to deal with the meat world, poor bastige.

    // But having all those swords about must be helpful with that problem.

  247. "It's GOOD that we snark. That's GOOD, Shrug."
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#218):

    ” Someone with that sort of willpower is somebody you should watch out for because who knows what else they are capable of.”

    Is there a cornfield anywhere in the vicinity?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_a_Good_Life

  248. Nehemiah Scudder, Showing off his HTML chops
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#219): …he does the Condorito PLOP!

    You mean ¡PLOP! of course.

    // Of course, if you are translating to English, you would be correct.

  249. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 17th, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#224): Because I am a Bad Person, when I taught “The Lottery” to 7th graders, I’d do a little lottery of my own (complete with one black dot) and then assign them to read the story that night.

  250. Throw Another Shrug on the Barby
    June 17th, 2013 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#206):

    Nope. Rolf Harris’s “old stockman” only asked his mates to “Tan my hide when I’m dead — Fred.” They did, but it was apparently their own idea to then hang it on the shed. (It’s not clear from the song if it was nailed there or just hung from some protrusion or what.)

    And the other relevant request here was “Was let my abos go loose — Bruce” so presumably said First Australians were gone before any old stockman hide tanning or hanging was in order. (It seems that “they’re of no further use — Bruce” which always got me wondering as to just what use was being made of them while the old stockman *was* alive, and if this was a contractural thing or simple kidnapping/slavery.)

    //// I assume Quill, to avoid embarrasment, was careful before re-meeting LuAnn to “tie [his] kangaroo down. . .”

    ///// Spurt? Whoops, no, I guess the word was “Sport.” Carry on, as you were.

  251. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#227): We all assumed at the time that Elinor was faking her heart attack, as she had evidently done before. But it seems that the EMTs and the hospital staff, and presumably her personal physician, believe she had a real one. Is it possible that one can fool medical professionals like that? It seems unlikely. Is there a doctor in the house?

    // Of course, EMTs work by their own rules.

  252. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#217): We must have gone to the same school…

  253. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#224): …some novel about a boy and a badger…

    I think you are referring to Not Without My Otter by Rusty Trail — now a major stop-motion picture.

  254. Liam
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    MW-”And from that day forth Elinor became as good a mother, as good a woman as the Westview Apartment Complex ever knew.”

  255. Zerowolf
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    FW: Diarium ex Machina

  256. Zerowolf
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#251): Rex Morgan MD.

  257. Little Black Dot
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    !

  258. Zerowolf
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    JP: I can’t work here, buy me another cruise liner!

  259. Zerowolf
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    MT: What, facial hair and no punching? Who are you and what have you done with Mark?

  260. Pinewood Tom
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @Little Black Dot (#257): “Dot’s right, you’re wrong!” — Jack Pearl

  261. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Pinewood Tom (#260): “Vass you dere, Sharlie?”

  262. Zerowolf
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    MW: “…and for your mother too…” Hot damn, thinks Elinor, finally going to get some after 50 years. Oh wait, real chest pains, oh fuck!

  263. Mr O'Malley
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#267): You’re probably correct about people with normal vision not wearing sunglasses until the 1930s. But what is the Phantom’s cover story? It could be that his vision was affected by a gas attack and he has been reassigned to some kind of administrative position. People did wear tinted lenses for various medical reasons much earlier than WWI.

  264. Uncle Lumpy
    June 17th, 2013 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    For example, wearing rose-colored glasses in Westview has been medically necessary for generations.

  265. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#264):

    Those aren’t rose-colored. They’re the color of blood.

  266. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    Good moaning, everybody, I was just pissing by the door, so I decided to drip in.

    (Waits to see if anyone gets the reference.)

    Rev Scudder, plenty of my fiction on this site, under my real name of course, but you know what that is already:

    http://fiction.homepageofthedead.com/

  267. Pinewood Tom
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#263): The sunglasses were a parting gift from Walker’s much older girlfriend… Annie Oakley.

    Well, where did you think Oakley sunglasses came from?

  268. Simon Boulevard aka Henry B.
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    As Abraham Lincoln said, “There are two kinds of people: Those who hate Crankshaft, and those who haven’t met him yet.” Well, if you want to get all technical, he was actually referring to Jefferson Davis.

    Won’t someone knee him in the nuts as he so richly deserves already? Crankshaft, not Lincoln.

  269. Droopy Says
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#266): For reasons too complicated to explain, I shall admit I got the reference.

  270. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#266): My. A website primarily devoted to zombie fiction. I did not know. (A fair bit of straight SF and horror, too, to be fair.)

    By strange coincidence, I often frequent a website primarily devoted to mocking zombie comic strips. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.

    // That’s an impressive body of work you have there. Plenty enough to collect into a dead tree book. You should give it a try.

  271. Droopy Says
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#263): That cover story makes sense, as far as anything in Phantom does. It’s odd that the glasses would be so anachronistic, considering that the artist has done considerable research on the uniforms and accoutrements.

  272. tallyHO
    June 17th, 2013 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#233):
    If you were scoring chicks…

    I am a tally HO!

  273. Pinewood Tom
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    @Simon Boulevard aka Henry B. (#268): By “Lincoln nuts,” I assume you’re referring to Mary Todd Lincoln.

  274. Girl Reporter
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    There was a lively discussion around a holiday dinner table some years ago in the Reporter-in-Law family sparked by the discovery of an ’70s era Cosmopolitan Magazine supplement put away in the attic by MIL Girl Reporter for her someday-daughter’s future education. Hilarity ensued when the actual daughter, now an adult, discovered it and brought it out to pass around the table for all to take turns reading aloud. This Cosmo Special Edition was a compilation of all the best ways to trick a man into loving you. One of the tips was to bake a man a pie, because all the other man-traps would bake him a cake. A pie would get his attention. The next hour was spent cornering each male relative (all of whom fled the room 10 minutes into the reading-aloud) who passed through the dining room on his way to the bathroom to demand “pie, or cake?”. To a man, each answered “pie”.

    So, just sayin’, that cat is fighting a noble battle. Oh Heathcliff, keep your pre-feminist freak flag flying!

  275. Simon Boulevard aka Henry B.
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @Pinewood Tom (#273): Unfortunately for ol’ Honest Abe, you’re probably right.

  276. Simon Boulevard aka Henry B.
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter(#274): Were they offerin’ up hair pie? Yes, I went there.

  277. Government Cheese
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    MW: Once again, I miss a couple days of Mary Worth and miss some unbelievable hilarity. So Tom and Beth are getting married? After one dinner? Wow. Are women in Charterstone that easy?

    Talk about some cheap dates. Amirite?

    Luann: Ahh, good ol’ “Blueballs” Degroot trying to protect his daughter’s virginity. However noble his efforts maybe, he forgets that in the Evansverse, no one has any sexual organs.

  278. Sequitur
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#272):

    One chick, two chicks, red chick, blue chick.

  279. seismic-2
    June 17th, 2013 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    How much gopherwood would a gopher go for, if a gopher would go for gopherwood?

  280. cheech wizard
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#249): They did the same thing at my school, except the the instructor would hand out bean bags and make sure the black dot always went to a fat and/or nerdy kid. Probably the only school in the state where “The Lottery” was taught as part of gym class.

  281. Peanut Gallery
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#246):

    Probably having to deal with the meat world

    Maybe he has to meat a dead lion.

  282. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    H-Cliff: Heathcliff would really like a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.

    C-Shaft: That right there needs to be the last panel of every Crankshaft ever.

    S-M: Should think obscurity is rather the point, no?

    MT: “Wait, I just shouted the patient’s condition to a near-stranger in a crowded waiting room. Should I not have done that? Let me check the handbook again.”

    MW: What this story needs is one final twist. Elinor was never ill. In fact she, Beth, and Tom cooked up this whole scenario months ago, just to screw with Mary Worth.

    9CL: Now there’s a guy who should have bolted, but for some reason didn’t.

    Archie: Yes Jughead, you’re obviously a devotee of self-improvement. Tell us more.

    JP: Is that a sincere “great” or a sarcastic “great”? The answer could affect the judge’s final Ugly American score.

    RMMD: “We also have an extra crown and scepter lying around. Sarah, how would you like to rule over your very own country?”

    GA: Guess Scancarelli couldn’t get the rights from DC to Jason Woodrue. For his replacement character he’s gone in a very Deluise-y direction.

    Phantom: “His CO gave him some grief over the non-regulation shades, but it was all good when he explained they were part of his trademark.”

    M-Dawg: “Marmaduke isn’t doing what it looks like he’s doing… I hope.”

    A3G: “This is my aunt Denise. She’s never been a drug mule, and you’ve certainly never seen her on Cops.”

  283. Peanut Gallery
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    @Throw Another Shrug on the Barby (#250):

    Tan my hide when I’m dead — Fred.
    Let my abos go loose — Bruce.

    Whoa! So this song was the inspiration for “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover”?

  284. Uncle Lumpy
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

  285. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#280): Yipes, no, I never did it that way! This was purely random. And as I recall, at the end of class, after the poor black-dot kid had sat there holding that thing and wondering, I gave him or her candy or something.

  286. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

  287. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#284): Well, Uncle Lumpy, we already knew that you’re a man of taste and discernment; you don’t need to rub it in.

  288. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#230): but he LOVED his mother!

  289. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#274): See I’d have answered the question with a question: What’s in it? Which would make me a spanner in the pre-feminist works, I guess.

  290. Anonymous
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#286): Yeah, e-publishing is like that. Thrilling and depressing at the same time. And watching your Amazon ranking slowly drop into the 600,000 or 700,000 and hoping one sale will boost you back over 100,000.

    I need more drinks.

  291. Voshkod
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    And 290 was me. Maybe I don’t need those drinks after all if I can’t remember when I’ve cleared cookies.

  292. Peanut Gallery
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#279): I’d advise Noah to chuck it.

  293. Peanut Gallery
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#274): In most cases, cake. But I’d want to know what flavor first.

  294. Girl Reporter
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#289): One of the answers to the question “what kind of pie do you like best?” was “yes”.

  295. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#4):

    You might end up getting the drink thrown in your face, but that’s a small price to pay for valuable research.

    Truly the lessons learned would be priceless. Well, I’d find it priceless, at any rate.

  296. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#10): Technically yes, but I’m not going to question a good Wallace Stevens reference.

  297. Dr. Pill
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#152): Analog, Asimov’s and Fantasy and Science Fiction still publish, in digest-size editions. On you local magazine rack or in a B&N rack. Also online.
    I, somewhat nerdly, point this out ’cause I want people to buy copies and help keep ‘em flying.

  298. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. Pill (#297): Thanks. I’ll pop out and buy one. For old time’s sake.

  299. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#296): …I’m not going to question a good Wallace Stevens reference.

    Righto. Let be be finale of seem.

  300. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @A-wel Cruiz (#182): This Curtis is a reprint from six years ago, so if anything interesting was happening, it would already be the status quo by now.

  301. Apt 3G is for Lovers
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    ASM: First “Frisco” and now “San Fran”? Is Spiderman going out of his way to use nicknames that locals hate? http://joshreads.com/?p=16231

  302. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#286): Very cool. A real book is a real book, after all, and you got good reviews.

    // But the name thing… I know, I know, but a nom de plume is nothing to be ashamed of… How about, oh, I’m just spitballing here, Louis L’Amour. You could sell a lot of books with a name like that!

  303. Sgt. Stoned
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#13): Then that means Hitler could have skipped the suicide and used the “Twinkie” defense at Nuremberg.

  304. bbofun
    June 17th, 2013 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#288): His rivals use to say quite a bit that as a monarch he was most unfit. But still and all, they had to admit that he LOVED his mother.

    (For those poor few of you who don’t get it- http://youtu.be/mScdJURKGWM)

  305. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#304): (((hugz)))

  306. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#293): I’m a complete sucker for pineapple upside-down cake. And Mrs. Scudder knows it.

  307. cheech wizard
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#285): I’m sure you did. I just had an unusually sadistic gym teacher, even by Southern Indiana standards. He didn’t actually make us re-enact “The Lottery,” although I’m pretty sure that’s only because he’d never read it.

  308. Mister Laminated Panels
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    I like to read the second thought balloon of the second panel of Spider-Man, 6/17/13 as ‘MJ waiting for meat home”

  309. cheech wizard
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#13): Probably German chocolate cake. Do you know the recipe?

    Well, the first step is that you occupy the kitchen….

  310. Mister Laminated Panels
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    ‘n props to CleverNameIsaac for noticing that already

  311. tallyHO
    June 17th, 2013 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    Missing Second Panel from Spider-Man:

    Spidey: Hornhead, you’re the tops!
    Daredevil: Webhead, you’re the bottoms!

  312. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    @Apt 3G is for Lovers (#301): I’ll agree with you about “Frisco,” which is an abomination, but what’s wrong with “San Fran”? I lived in the Bay Area for nearly two decades, and it was pretty common – more so than, say, “SF”.

  313. tallyHO
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    Okay. I guess the clock turned over and there are Tuesday comics up now.

    In Tuesday’s Mary Worth just what in the hell is that supposed to be walking in the background?

    Is that dude from that painting “The Scream” and instead of wearing a black frock, it is wearing street clothes?

    //Aaaaaaiiiiiiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  314. tallyHO
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    Snuffity Smif

    *snif whimper*

    It is ShinyHO and DirtyHO!

    This is gonna be a great family reunion, since they seem to be occupied for the summer and unable to attend the get-together! Ye hah!

  315. Rusty
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Tuesday’s FW: In which Les can’t face the fact that Lisa wasn’t a virgin when they married.

  316. Baka Gaijin
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#230): If my mother ended up acting like Elinor Kinsey, I’d do much more than gouge out my eyes.

    @Sequitur (#265): It’s funny because it’s true.

    @Simon Boulevard aka Henry B. (#276): Yes you did. You went there.

    @tallyHO (#311): Dingo-tastic!

  317. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    “fw” wow, this is bad.

    “rex morgan” geezus, granny glasses, the mangiest combover ever, a ponytail *and* a tux? whatever happened to the days when artistic types looked like andy warhol?

  318. seismic-2
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#317): Artistic type? I assumed this was the guy at the art gallery who’s in charge of their vanity press business. Made a donation and get your name on a paperback that will be displayed in the bookstore (until it’s time to be pulped for the next contributor’s masterpiece).

  319. Droopy Says
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    The Abandoned Spiderman: And thus begins the long-awaited MJ/WonderWoman crossover. Turnabout is fair play, Spidey!

    Family Circus: Since your spider is just lying there, the obvious name is Peter.

    Creepy Les: “I can’t! I just can’t mix mere facts with the artistic truths of Lisa’s Story!”

    Mark Trail: Eddie poaches mainly for food, but he doesn’t mind the money he gets seling trophies.

    Phantom: One: if he’s an “aeronaut,” what’s he doing in the trenches with a rifle and helmet? Pilots and observers visited the front lines for various reasons, but not to do any shooting.

    Two: Jean-Pierre Blanchard was a real person:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Pierre_Blanchard

    who died in 1809. He was a balloonist, which implies that this “aeronaut” was a member of an observation company that used tethered, unpowered balloons to spot for the artillery. (Zeppelins and blimps were still in use when the Americans entered the war, but they were used for anti-submarine warfare.)

    Three: This is obviously an American unit (Springfield rifles plus Brodie helmets, but where are the gas masks?), but the research is problematical. The presence of an armed, colored American doughboy limits this to one of four regiments: the 369th, 370th, 371st and 372nd. They consisted of black enlisted men and non-coms, and a mixture of black and white officers. All four units were attached to French divisions; the soldiers wore the French Adrian helmet and carried French Lebel rifles. American racism was so intense that they couldn’t get into combat as a part of the AEF. The French were more interested in winning the war and were pleased to have them.

    And you thought the gearheads were obsessive?

    Pluggers: I thought a Plugger family visitation was more of an infestation than anything else.

  320. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#318): well, i hope he remembers to pulp that thing on the wall behind ms lanning while he’s at it

  321. Uncle Lumpy
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#312):

    … what’s wrong with “San Fran”?

    Based on usage by the local anchorbabes, the accepted term is “BayAreah.”

    @Rusty (#315):

    … Les can’t face the fact that Lisa wasn’t a virgin when they married.

    Nothing that can’t be fixed!

  322. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    maybe he’s auditioning for the role of morgan family butler…

  323. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#321): Hrmp. “Bay Area” is the whole region, from San Francisco down to San Jose and over to Oakland, in my opinion. But, then, SF’s always been a bit proprietary with regards to its neighbors.

  324. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    June 17th, 2013 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    Rex: This is so ludicrous I’m hoping that the honors and money for Sarah keep piling up until, drunk with power (and vodka), she beats the crap out of her nanny with a jewel-encrusted scepter and ends up in rehab.

  325. Uncle Lumpy
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#323):

    This is the New Reality, per Heather Holmes and Elizabeth Cook. I report, you decide!

    “Shots rang out in Oakland, as a fire blazed out of control! Your weather next!”

  326. walt d.
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    FW/RMMD: Which strip today features the most preposterous dialogue? Damned if I know.

    RMMD: That curator/director has GOT to be some patron’s nitwit daughter. I don’t think that guy is an artist. Artists are only allowed in museums for their openings. As I used to say, I only create art; I can’t afford to appreciate it. I AM curious as to the position held by a sleek hippie wearing dress clothes in the middle of the day.

    FW: Oh, man up, Les. The whole point of this get-together was to find evidence to thwart Frankie. Tell you what. Run that sucker through your shredder, and move on to the Father John story. Or you could just let the maid, um, I mean your WIFE, read the stupid thing and then send her off to threaten Frankie with whatever she finds.

    FW: I assume Jefferson has passed on and thus wasn’t around to watch his daughter pissing away the rest of her life. You’d also think her daughter would have had some choice advice. I guess in Westview if you’re middle-aged and still above ground you’re considered a good catch.

  327. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    @walt d. (#326): Rex and Wrecks made me appreciate today’s Phantom. It has a few mistakes, but damn if they aren’t really interesting mistakes.

  328. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    And doesn’t it figure that goddamned Creepy Les and his tender feelings would hog center stage? Man up, Mary Sue Moore, and think about how your daughter feels to learn that her mother was beaten and raped.

  329. A New Day
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    I enjoy the douchey way that Spider-man has gone from saying “Frisco” to San Fran” over the past six months. They say the secret to a compelling narrative is to have your protagonist change in surprising yet believable ways. I’m not really surprised, but 1 out of 2′s not so bad, I guess.

  330. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#328): Cayla: “OK, Summer, I’ve read through the part of the journal that talks about Lisa and Frankie, and the good news is that your Mom wasn’t beaten or date raped. She was just a drunken slut.”
    Summer: “Thank God!”

  331. walt d.
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    FW: I have always liked the saying that some people who search for their inner child would be better off looking for their inner adult. Some day before he dies, Les ought to figure out that he’s supposed to be the adult in the family. Ghosts don’t count. And frankly, I don’t think the ghost had found her inner adult either.

  332. Mr O'Malley
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#319): I’m not sure that the crews of tethered balloons doing artillery spotting were considered part of the air force. My grandfather’s brother was in a machine gun unit, but nevertheless he was killed while doing artillery spotting (not in a balloon though, in an advanced trench). I wasn’t able to find much relevant information. The balloons were flown from behind the front lines though, in order to provide major AA protection.

  333. Cloudbuster
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:17 am [Reply]

    FW: Les moans, “I can’t…. I can’t possibly exploit my dead wife’s tragedy for personal gain. Wait. What?”

    Also, isn’t reading Lisa’s journal, literally “her story” of her life, something you would have already done when writing “Lisa’s Story?” Well, yes, you would have, if the God of your universe hadn’t just retconned the journal into existence.

  334. Cloudbuster
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:19 am [Reply]

    RMMD: This is part of an elaborate plot by Katharine to claim co-author credit on the judge’s book as part of the divorce settlement.

  335. Cloudbuster
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:22 am [Reply]

    JP: Pony tail: Check. Combover: Check. Granny glasses: Check. Bow tie: Check. I am loving the sartorial stylings of Mr. Bendix!

  336. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:59 am [Reply]

    HtH: I like eating fish. I like it raw with sushi. I like it grilled, and fried, and baked, and planked, and even pickled. I like fish stews and soup. But simply boiled? My Joy of Cooking doesn’t mention that method of preparation. Must be an ancient traditional Viking recipe.

    JP: Hurry up and relax! Chop chop! Now! Dammit!

    MT: I have done some poaching too, to put food on my table. Mostly eggs. Benedict. The important thing is to make fresh hollandaise sauce. The stuff from a jar is worthless.

  337. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:41 am [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#332): The balloon squadrons were part of the Signal Corps’ aviation section, and in France they were under the control of the US Air Service (the contemporary name for what is now the Air Force, which at the time was a part of the Signal Corps).

    Here’s something on one balloon squadron in the AEF:

    http://www.worldwar1.com/dbc/balloon43.htm

    There’s some information on how artillery spotting was handled buried in here:

    http://www.history.army.mil/books/30-17/S_5.htm

    Probably your grandfather’s brother would have used a telephone to communicate with the artillery unit, although other techniques were used–carrier pigeons, runners and visual signals are likely candidates.

  338. gleeb
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:44 am [Reply]

    Beetle: Chip Gizmo is stepping out with a metal thing, and Killer is gobsmacked; he prefers to keep it organic, like women or trees.

    Old Man Bizarro: Hey, no GIZMOES! Just a comic designed to be passed over and forgotten.

    Dennis: “This is it, Joey. You will never feel better than this. Is it enough?” Quite menacing.

    ‘bean: In a dramatic digression from his normal character, Creepy Les refuses to violate the deadwife’s memory. Of course, it’s just padding, but it’s padding when it’s only Tuesday.

    Judge Privileged: The judge struggles to remember his international law. How far out do they have to be so jurisdiction gets murky if he’s caught pushing her overboard?

    Rex: Combover-and-ponytail. Wearing a tuxedo in the mid-morning. This Bendix is open to messing with expectations. And even he, in the last panel is giving a look that says “You shittin’ me?”

    Betty: By the way, this strip has been about the title character’s eyebrows for a week and a half now.

    Dick: I like the hideous baby gag. No doubt in a few years when it can get a hatchet of its own, Tracy will have to bring it down in a hail of lead.

    Thorp: Hmm, it’s only June. There’s still time this summer for two or three more comuppances for young Knox Harrington. Or you could have something interesting happen.

  339. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:52 am [Reply]

    9CL – Ooops, looks as if Brooke became horny and forgot the plot again. Someone whack him on the side of the head or we are in for another week of this.

  340. Cloudbuster
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:10 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: There is such a thing as Thomas the Tank Engine underwear*, and it doesn’t look like that. I think visuals were supposed to be McE’s strong suit!

    * Not that I know from personal experience.**
    ** Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  341. Cloudbuster
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:21 am [Reply]

    Evil Inc.: You know I can appreciate Evil Inc.’s blatant fan service, T&A flaunting and misogyny, but I drawn the line at the introduction of obnoxious small children. Did they learn nothing from the great Scrappy Doo blunder? Or the infamous Oliver debacle?

  342. CanuckDownSouth
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    MT: Intriguing – it appears that there is something such as not-evil poaching in the Trailiverse. Not a reformed man, but rather him not crossing a threshold into “too much”. Old-timey live-off-the-land + lack of hair – hunting for sport = Good, no matter whether the hunt is legal or not? Is this a new development in Trailiverse morality?

  343. gnbman
    June 25th, 2013 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    So Marmaduke is a satanic hell-beast, and Heathcliff is a Napoleon-esque ruthless dictator? I’m sure they’d work well together.

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