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“Haha, is that a metaphor, or–” “NO STAY AWAY FOREVER”

Spider-Man, 6/18/13

True story: Once, when I was living in California, I got the time zone math backwards and called my dad and stepmother at 11 p.m. my time, thinking that it was 8 p.m. on the East Coast when of course it was 2 a.m., and naturally they were less than thrilled about this. I should add that this was after nearly four years of living on the West Coast, so it’s not like I had any kind of excuse. Anyway, what I’m saying is that MJ has been sitting by the phone with no doubt increasing amounts of irritation waiting for Peter call while he’s been screwing around on the beach or whatever, and maybe he shouldn’t sound quite so insufferably smug in panel two? I mean, MJ still probably wouldn’t want him to come back, seeing as she’s already changed the locks on the apartment and had his name taken off their bank accounts, but still, it’s poor form.

Crock, 6/18/13

I love that “HMO” is bolded in the last panel, just so we don’t miss the point. “Ha, this HMO is crueler than I am, and my notorious cruelty is central joke of the strip! HMO! Eh? Social commentary? Right?”

Beetle Bailey, 6/18/13

Specialist Chip Gizmo, the adorably nerdy character introduced to Beetle Bailey in 2002 to bring some techno-savvy to the strip, has built himself a sex robot with metal breasts and sharp, claw-like hands! If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day screaming now.

334 responses to ““Haha, is that a metaphor, or–” “NO STAY AWAY FOREVER””

  1. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Going by the way he’s dressed, Bendix just came from his job as head usher at an AMC Theatre. And Sawah looks like she wants to bite off his hand.

  2. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    DtM: Nothing is better than chocolate. A piece of stale bread is better than nothing. Therefore, a piece of stale bread is better than chocolate.

  3. Ratiocinator
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    FW: You don’t say, Summer.

    JP: Katherine just cannot get enough of that incredible BALCONY!

    Meanwhile, Alan strokes his chin thoughtfully, considering what the first step should be in his exhaustive search for the elusive business center.

    Luann: A hunk, is he? Sounds like somebody’s jealous of his own daughter!

    RMMD: Don’t anybody hold their breath that Bendix will reject Sarah’s work. If he thinks that he can look good after going bald on top and wearing the hair he has left in a ponytail, he obviously has no sense of aesthetics to speak of.

  4. K. Ivan Ruppert
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    I think Gizmo has been saving his hair clippings to make a wig for that robot. Geeze-us.

  5. Christopher
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: The perpetual military state in which Beetle Bailey, Sarge, and the rest live is finally explained: they’re really members of the underclass in Fritz Lang’s Metropolis.

  6. Liam
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-”You can’t come home. I’ve found a superior Spiderman to be with.”

    Spiderman 2-”You can’t come home. Aunty May was choking and I made a deal with the devil to have him give her the Heimlich now our marriage is over.”

    A3G-That would also explain why Marty occasionally looks like a forty year old woman.

    FW-Batiuk is trying to make this more dramatic than it really is and failing at it.

    FC-Not Black Widow because that is Mommy’s nickname.

    Gasoline Alley-Wait until Slim sees the plant double the professor made of Slim’s wife.

    Gasoline Alley 2-Slim, a word of advice. Don’t ever fall asleep again.

    MT-”That’s a wonderful story. Well see you later.”

    MT 2-’Jason Smith’? That’s the name you use when you want to check into a hotel or the name you give when your TARDIS rear ends history.

    MW-So those threats of Mary are effective.

    RMMD-We are really pushing it this far?

  7. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    Today’s Apt. 3-G

    Denise: “After her mother walked out, Marty and Cole became just like THAT!” [crosses her fingers for emphasis]

    Lu Ann: [looking at Denise's crossed fingers] “Which one’s Marty?”

    Apologies to Laurel and Hardy…

  8. pugfuggly
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    ASM “Peter, you can’t come home because….you never left…!…No really, you ate too many funions again and had a massive hallucination that you went traveling across the country to fight Kraven and Kingpin. Also, that’s the TV remote you’re talking into…”

    Crock Wow, I’m impressed that Crock didn’t go for the ‘ha-ha-working-in-a-salt-mine-gives-you-heart-problems’ joke. Nice misdirection: I was expecting crusty coprolite and instead got a fresh turd!

    BB Now what does it say about Gizmo that his sex robot doesn’t seem to have legs that part? Eh, he seems happy, whatever he’s doing with it….

  9. BeckoningChasm
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    One suspects Crotch bolded HMO so that its readers wouldn’t think it was just some word they’d never heard of, like “humor.”

  10. Little Guy
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    FW: Oooohhhhhhhh hells no. If we have to read YOUR drivvel, YOU have to read from the Dead Lisa Scrolls!

  11. Gringo
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    Anybody know what’s going on with Dark Gate today? It seems that a bunch of feeds have disappeared from the site.

  12. Majicou
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Curtis Wilkins, Expectations Manager.

    ML: Fujishima made Heaven’s IT department a lot more appealing.

    RMMD: “Ha! You have GOT to be shitting me, Lanning.”
    “That’s Sarah MORGAN, Mr. Bendix.”
    “Will a $500,000 advance be all right?”

    FW: Is Batiuk stalling for time until his syndicate goes out of business, or what?

  13. Downpuppy Pissyface
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Spiderman requires thought today. Bad Spiderman!

    MJ wanted to hear from Peter in panel 1. (We’ll assume he’s calling on some POS phone he lifted off a kid, since if it was his, MJ would know)

    But he can’t come home!

    Hence, by incredible feets of logic, the missing step is – he’s needed somewhere else! We can only hope it involves working on a tramp freighter to Thailand.

  14. Chareth Cutestory
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm. And thus, SexoBOT5000 solemnly served out her existence, preventing Gizmo’s DNA from ever coming into contact with a real woman and removing his bloodline from humanity.

    Beetle Bailey: She is designed to avoid inefficiency BOWM CHIKKA WOW WOW

  15. Ingeld
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    BB Apparently those sharp claw like hands have already taken one of Gizmo’s arms–no doubt during some very active amorous pursuits by the pair.

  16. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    if the sex robot in beetle bailey is going to send josh into screaming fits, for god’s sake keep him away from ‘pibgorn’

  17. J. Robert Oppenheimer
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    Wow, Beetle Bailey took a dark turn today, revealing that Chip is into hardcore robot-sex. Now that his dark fetish has been brought to light, we can probably expect similar shocking revelations from the strip’s other characters and other developments from the setting itself, resulting in the once-whimsical Beetle Bailey to become like Funky Winkerbean, only with more fantastic plots as the now-paramilitary unit of Camp Swampy kicks ass in North Korea, Antarctica, and Transylvania, fighting human and monster alike.

  18. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#6): RMMD-We are really pushing it this far?

    Seriously. I keep waiting for them to take an exit off of this freeway to “Widdle Sawah’s art is published by the museum, and it turns out she is an incredible prodigy whose original work ‘horsie with crayon on brown construction paper’ sells for over $1,000,000.” And they keep right on buzzing past the exits.

    I’ve said before that strips that are obviously written for children – such as Amazing Spider Man – are not as much fun to snark on as ones with delusions of relevance (Really, the journal was right there in a shoebox the whole time, and Les never read it, even as research for a book called ‘Lisa’s Story’?). I’m not sure where RMMD fits. The last storyline involved a house full of strippers, so you assume they are at least targeting adolescents, but I can’t imagine anyone older that Widdle Sawah herself finding this storyline remotely credible as anything other than a first-grader’s daydream.

  19. Bootsy
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    DtM: Sweet merciful octopi! Is… is… Mr. Wilson wearing pants made from the badminton net? I usually just run my eyes skitteringly over Dennis the Menace (for good reason) but this morning I gazed upon Mr. Wilson’s fishnet pants. Before I had coffee. The horror. The humanity.

  20. teenchy
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    @Christopher (#5): Well of course Beetle and Killer are German; in contrast to Gizmo’s olive drab, they’re wearing feldgrau.

  21. Drewbear
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    @J. Robert Oppenheimer (#17): You realize that your proposal sounds less like “Funky Winkerbean” and more like “pure awesome”, right?

  22. pugfuggly
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    A3G “Marty had to grow up fast, Lu Ann, but she can usually revert back to her real age sometime later in the day. It’s kind of a family trait. See? In the first panel I looked like a regular woman, now I’m more like Leslie Neilson in drag…”

    FW I’m sure what Les means to say is ” I can’t…take any more of this painfully clunky exposition. What is it with your need to state the obvious, Summer? Seriously, aren’t you supposed to be going to college this fall or something?”

    MT “I’ve done a little poaching in my time, but only to put food on my table….weird, exotic, endangered food! Ever taste a California Condor, Mark? How about a Florida Panther steak?”

    MW Yay! Now all they have to worry about is Elinor’s crippling prescription painkiller addiction.

  23. Mibbitmaker
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    S-M:
    “No, Peter, you literally can’t come home. You’re too weak and ineffectual to do that!”
    “Um [Spidey struggles]…. Omigod, you’re right! Can’t…. get….. myself…… out of….. here….”

    Crock: That’s o-so-topical! Well….. it was when this was first printed, I guess (it is still in post-Rechin reprints, right?).

    BBailey: Those claw-hands! Gizmo, that was built from the old disassembled ElenaBobbitbot ’94! Run, Gizmo! RUN!!!

  24. Écureuil Écumant
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    The Insufferable Spider-Man: I wanna know where MJ got that cool Tonka cellphone.

  25. Old Folkie
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    MT: Why does every old guy in MT look like Doc?

    FW: Les is afraid that when they read Lisa’s diary, they’ll realize that Les’ “Lisa Story” is a made-up pile of crap.

  26. TheDiva
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    Crock: I’m impressed/horrified that even with hard labor and a diet that’s probably very low on fat, the thirty-something salt mine slave still needs triple bypass surgery.

    SM: I know Mr. Diva wouldn’t do anything as dickish as call me up in the middle of the night and say, in effect, “Fret no more, darling bride, your lord husband without whom you are incapable of functioning, has graciously deigned to notice you!”, but if he did I’d probably tell him he couldn’t come home either.

  27. Squeak
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    “Peter – You can’t come home! I… I can no longer live with someone who would use the term ‘wifely prayers’.”

  28. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    fw: les says, “no, i can’t. life is too short to be living in the past. let’s try to have fun in the here and now”

    and then fw re-retcons back into a gag-a-day strip, only now it’s drawn in the ‘realistic’ style of judge pissypants & rex$ morgan

  29. Marc
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    9CL- None of this dialogue makes any sense at all.

    Funky- Thanks Captain Obvious. Got any more startling revelations for us?

    Luann- Hunk? Dote? Has any father in history ever talked like this about his daughter’s sort of but not boyfriend?

    Mark Trail- Illustrator Steve pointed this out yesterday, but I see that old Pop escaped the whitest Caribbean island ever and got a new job as hungry poacher Eddie. And Mark’s best fishing buddy Gene Jackson is now an intrepid reporter for a local paper, and former captain of the Edmonton Oilers, Jason Smith.

  30. Buck Ripsnort
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Anybody else having problems w/ Darkgate Comic Slurper today? Seems like all my favorite comics — and ONLY my favorite comics — have vanished. Computer spite?

  31. Midtown
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#18): RMMD is aiming for the grandparent market. All grandparents think their second generation spawn are budding geniuses, and this story is designed to fuel their fantasies. “I’ll bet our little Aiden could do that and make us all rich!”

  32. Écureuil Écumant
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    BB: Sexu roboto? FZ definitely would’ve approved!

  33. Bootsy
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Also, that MJ has a very manly chin.

  34. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#7): Heh heh. Frank Bolle’s so old, he knew Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy when they were in their prime!

  35. Écureuil Écumant
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#30): Per Darkgate’s blog, “UClick comics gone June 18th, 2013 Had to happen.”

  36. Alfred E. Neuman
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#8) said: “BB Now what does it say about Gizmo that his sex robot doesn’t seem to have legs that part? Eh, he seems happy, whatever he’s doing with it….”

    Apparently her legs don’t have to part in order for him to plug in to her scuzzy port.

  37. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    @Midtown (#31): RMMD is aiming for the grandparent market.

    Aaaaaah, I’m beginning to see where this is going. Coffee table books are obsolete. The new craze will be Refrigerator Door books. For people of a certain age who are still without grandkids, or just grandparents with loser grandkids who can’t draw a damn horsie to save gran-ma-ma’s reputation, they can pick up Widdle Sawah’s Big Book of Horsies, cut out a page, and stick it to the fridge with the magnet that the insurance salesman left after his last visit. Guaranteed authentic child art – and nobody has to know it wasn’t drawn by your descendents!

  38. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#22):

    MW Yay! Now all they have to worry about is Elinor’s crippling prescription painkiller addiction.

    I’m sure Mary will hook them up with that old croaker Dr. Jeff. He’s always good for a scrip or two. Then the only thing to worry about will be Elinor’s somewhat disquieting ramblings.

  39. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    Why did Spidey have to take off his mask to call home? Does his mask have some kind of voice-disguising gizmo? Or am I overthinking this, and it’s just the artist wanting to show the smug grin on Parker’s face?

    I’ve been reading “Plastic Baby Heads From Outer Space” with increasing confusion. What on earth is the whole thing about? I still can’t understand how anyone can make a whole comic strip out of the ridiculous premise. The art is good, the concept bizarre, and the “jokes” moronic.

  40. Lumaca Morente
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    Beetle bailey: am in haste this morning and no time to read prior posts, so possibly I am not the first to note the female socket on the front of the robot.
    //Shouldn’t that be covered with clothing?????

  41. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): 9CL- None of this dialogue makes any sense at all.

    Those arent dutch panels, McE is just drawing with one hand again. Still doesn’t excuse “Bubbling from the hob”.

    Someone likened 9CL plots to that game where a story is written collaboratively by each person only reading the previous sentence, and then adding a new one of their own. Today, we suddenly break from Fleurry standing in Juliette’s living room, cold and dripping wet, upset that her manservant just proposed to her. Juliette becomes distracted and leaves Fleurry to run over and grope her thrall. I wonder if Brooke will even remember that Fleurry and her storyline are still there, or if the week will end with Older Amos lying on the floor in a heap, with one arm crookedly reaching up toward the sky.

  42. Pinewood Tom
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#34): Frank Bolle’s so old, he remembers when Hector was a pup.

  43. TheDiva
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    9CL: Today’s McEldowney-to-Human translation:
    Older Amos: Shall we indulge in sexy double entendres?
    Juliette: Oooh, I love sexy double entendres! We can talk about sexy sex and then act all self-righteous and offended when someone claims we were talking about sex!
    Older Amos: But what about Fleurrie? I mean, didn’t this start with her coming in wet and cold and panicking over her boyfriend’s sudden proposal?
    Juliette: Shut up, you’re interrupting the sexy sex talk….

    C’shaft: The ticketing agent quietly considers alerting TSA to this “suspicious character” who is in certain need of a full-cavity search.

    FW: “No, I don’t feel right exploiting my wife’s private life like this…now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Lisa’s Story book tour to schedule and the screenplay for the Lisa’s Story movie to write and special edition Lisa’s Story t-shirts to print….”

    GT: I’m not sure I’d want a lawyer who passes all the hard work on to his cocky teenage son.

    Luann: Now that Brad’s engaged, the deGroots have moved on to stifling their daughter’s love life by any means necessary.

    MT: So, poaching is okay if you eat the animals! Good to know!

    MW: Nice to see Aunt Mae Parker is still finding work…

    Pibgorn: Dear Brooke: I have a three-year-old son, and I fold his laundry every week, so I can assure you I am very familiar with Thomas the Tank Engine underpants. They do not look like a pair of tighty whities with the word “THOMAS” scrawled across the back in magic marker, as you seem to believe. If you are going to insist on hurling these playground-level taunts at your strawman, at least do a smidgen of research first.

    Pluggers spend their free time trying to figure out how to sneak away from relatives they can’t stand.

  44. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    @Pinewood Tom (#42): Frank Bolle’s so old, he considers the 2000 Year Old Man to be a whippersnapper.

  45. Voshkod
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    We warned you. We warned you that if you let women into the military, the male soldiers would start dating combat drones. It’s your own damn fault.

  46. Horace Broon
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    A3G: Wasn’t LuAnn away for a while bonding with her real mother, or trying to get her adoptive parents not to hate her, or something? Since she needs to find an explanation for a parent-child relationship being close, I’m guessing it didn’t work out that well.

    JP: The Judge has a scheming face in the last panel. “Hmm, the balcony. No witnesses. A quick push, and I can write my screenplay in peace.”

  47. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    A&J: d’awwwww @ ikkle unseen grass snake.

    AD: NSFBG!

    Lio: yeah, that’s been done before.

    HotC: still less of a putz than newspaper Spidey.

    Lockhorns: *goes off to edit Lockhorn slash* “No PA for you!”

    RwO: *snurk!* well played.

  48. Hibbleton
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Sarah’s instincts are correct. This is a vanity publishing scam. The protagonists are set as the aptly named Mr. Bend-dix tries to overcome Rex’s superior dickishness and get him to underwrite his daughter’s book.

  49. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . bodily fluids.

  50. Ned Ryerson
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    GT: Hi, we’re from the Foley Law Group. We were doing some lawyering in your neighborhood…

    @TheDiva (#43): Don’t forget the Lisa’s Story lunchbox (with a Saint Dead Lisa sandwich prep manual thrown in!)

  51. Illustrator Steve
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#22): “Ever taste a Califorina Condor, Mark?”

    Reminds me of a GOOD STORY I heard about a mountain climber who was fined for eating a protected Condor while stranded on a steep mountainside waiting to be rescued. He took his case to court and the Judge decided in his favor that it was nessessary to kill and eat the endangered species as a matter of survival. Before adjourning, the Judge, being curious, asked the fellow how the Condor tasted. The man told the judge that it tasted better than any Spotted Owl, Right Whale or Florida Panther he had ever eaten!

  52. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Is this story turning from “Alan divorces Katherine” to “Alan murders Katherine”? Alan’s expression seems to say “Hmmm…. I wonder…”, when Katherine utters the words “Chop-chop!”

    MT: “Mark, I’ve done a little poaching, as you know, but it has been mainly to put food on my table. And that’s why I can’t stand this hospital food they’re serving me for breakfast. Go get me some poached otter!”

  53. Illustrator Steve
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): Thank you! Thankyouverymuch!

    // Just change my name to INVESTIGATIVE INSPECTOR Steve!

  54. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    Someone should probably gently break it to Gizmo that plastic blow-up sex dolls have already been invented.

  55. Dennis Jimenez
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    S-M – That’s what a fella likes to hear from his best gal over the phone – that and, “just toss your pants over the chair by the bed.”

    Crock – HA-HA – Not to worry, we’ll put a Blue Cross over your grave! Bra-HA-HA-HA-HAW….

    BB – Only thing left is to glue on the Jenna Jameson molded latex parts – yummy, yummy, yummy….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  56. Dood
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Metal breasts? Claw-like hands? Is this Beetle Bailey or Judge Parker?

  57. Mibbitmaker
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#44): Frank Bolle is SO OLD….

    HOW OLD IS HE?!

    He’s SO old, he babysat Larry King! *rimshot*

  58. Ned Ryerson
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Hey Brooke, thanks for that lovingly rendered picture of the unclothed troll (who I honestly don’t know what to make of these days…straw man creep? powerful fantasy sadist? 300 pounds of pudding in a lycra bodysuit? all these things and more!?), but I wonder why you stopped short of having him digging his fingers up into his asscrack, which has been his signature move from day one.Did you lose your nerve? You showed this guy digging his hideous brown shorts out of his ass at every turn, but are you suggesting that somehow the pants were the culprit all the time, but not the undies? Oh sure, we know you didn’t want to obscure the artfully executed “Thomas the Tank Engine Undies” upon which the whole hilarous gag of this strip hinges.

    Yes, I’m overinvested. Call the CC Baker Act coordinator, please.

  59. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#57):

    He’s SO old, he babysat Larry King!

    That could have been last week.

  60. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

  61. Dood
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: MJ’s right about Thomas Wolfe being right.

  62. Ian Beste
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#55): Jenna Jameson molded latex parts Have you seen pics of her lately? She looks like she is made of molded latex parts. I’ll go with Stoya, thankyouverymuch.

  63. Midtown
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    MW: “and I know we’re all going to be so happy together. I’ve spoken to Mary about moving to a three-bedroom unit. I’ve come to realize the advantages of having a man around the house. Tom, would you be a good boy and take care of that suitcase full of soiled unmentionables?”

  64. Illustrator Steve
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    MT – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, Eddie, just using the, ‘trying to put a little food on the table ploy’, eh?…so WHAT’S this story of yours?”

    “Well, Mark. I was illegally trapping otters down by the stream this morning when I heard someone shout, ‘GO AHEAD AND SEE IF YOU CAN HIT THIS BEER CAN, CHERRY!’… the next thing I remember is waking up with a bullet hole in my chest!”

    “Um, wow, Eddie…THAT is some story! I will be sure to look into this matter and conduct my own personal investigation. In the mean time, Eddie, the last thing we want to do is to make this information public, so once you’re feeling better you high tail it back to your little hut on that little white Caribbean island where they only know you as ‘Pop’. As for you, Jason…how about you just forget everything you’ve heard here today and go back to being my best fishing buddy Gene Jackson so I can take you fishing with me? I’ll even let you touch my illuminated lure!”

  65. Dood
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Christopher (#5): Is Beetle the mediator?

  66. Oregonian
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#36) said: “Apparently her legs don’t have to part in order for him to plug in to her scuzzy port.”

    Sadly, Gizmo is going to discover that his firewire doesn’t fit.

  67. Bill Peschel
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Luann seems to have vanished from both Darkgate and the seattlepi site. Which can only mean that even the Internet has its limits.

  68. Chip
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Josh: Don’t you mean screaming AND clutching your genitals?

  69. Liam
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-With the repeal of “Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell.” Gizmo is the first openly robosexual in the Army.

  70. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Now that you know what robosexuality is…don’t do it! (This message approved by the Space Pope.)

  71. S. Stout
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Luann: Frank, if you want to sleep with Quill, just say so. He’d probably be up for it.

  72. Marc
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#64): Wait until Marks shows Jason Smith/Gene Jackson that new Rod Bassey Killer Lure; that WILL make such a GOOD story!

  73. Mibbitmaker
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    A3G: Lemme guess, LuAnn seeking to find the (certainly unwilling) mother to reunite the family is going to be the next storyline…. to be abandoned when other stories distract the writer and artist.

    Crank: Ol’ Ed is in a slump — his wordplay was actually funny (imho) and witty (in a vaudeville sort of way) today.
    Oh, and….. *rimshot*

    FW: “…and if I can’t, nobody else GETS to!” Yes, Les is being a prick again.

    RMMD: The art gallery is owned/run by an undertaker? In a ponytail?! A… hippie undertaker? Well, no wonder trollgirl’s getting an Impossible Book Deal — she’s GONE DOWN THE RABBITHOLE!
    Sarah…. your new name is Alice….

    Popeye: Good. Now tell Wimpy about Captain Tuttle…

    FC: “I have the perfect name for your spider, honey. We can name him EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!! He even looks like an EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK.”

    MT: “That’s no excuse, former Republican Senator Alan Simpson!”

    9CL: Her grasp of him isn’t for love or sex, it’s for control.
    Come to think of it, that IS love or sex for a Burber.

    Glibporn: Oh, right, like that’s the squicky, repulsive part!

    PCity: Aw, there’s something innocent and lovely about a little girl and her cuddly companion.
    …..Either that, or it’s basically Carvell and Matalin.

    JP: “If you have to call it ‘chop-chop’, that just means you aren’t ready yet.”

  74. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Beetle Baily:

    Two MPs show up and arrest Gizmo and declare, “Private Gizmo, we’re taking you to Git Mo’!”

    Gizmo says, “ You mean I don’t need to waste anymore time with Robetty? I can just…just Get Mo’?!? Huzzah! Take me away, fellas!”

    After they leave, Robetty sits on the edge of their shared bunk and begins to cry. She cries until she rusts.

    (//geez, where’d that melancholy come from? )

    Fortunately, Sarge comes to the rescue with a can of oil (he’s got plans!)

  75. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    I met a corgi owner last night. Fellow in front of me at the supermarket had a bag of Iams on his cart, so I asked him what sort of dog he had. He says “Corgis!” and I came back with “Cardis or Pemmis?” and he said “One of each!” He showed me a pic on his smartphone, and we had a fun chat while waiting for the checkout person to confirm stuff. The sire of his cardi is the most decorated AKC show dog, and even is the picture on the AKC breed page.

    yay dogs. :-)

  76. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    AS-M: “Peter — You can’t come home! Just now some guy taking creepshots of a neighboring high-rise caught you unmasking on the rooftop of a two-story building right below him,, and the pics are all over the Internet. Apparently, New York County DA’s office has had sealed indictments on Spider-Man for years, just waiting for a name to fill in the blanks, and they’ve already issued warrants for your arrest for crimes including vandalism, criminal mischief, mayhem, criminal property damage, and manslaughter in the Gwen Stacy case.

    “The Daily Bugle website is reporting that the state and the Feds are going to issue their own indictments within the hour. You need get to Golden Gate Bridge and THWIP yourself onto a steamer to Argentina — or not, I really don’t care — I just got a cold call from a lawyer named Matt Murdock offering to help me file an annulment! Toodles, Tiger!”

  77. Pozzo
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    The creepiest about Spider-Man today is that his mask is staring at his ass in panel two. His sweet, sweet spider-ass.

  78. Mibbitmaker
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    MW: Years later….

    “Oh, I’m so glad I finally saw the light and gave my blessing for you and Tom getting married. I was so stubbornly wrong before that!”

    “Mother…. Tom and I are getting a divorce.”

    “Told ya!”

  79. Liam
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Crock-”I’m impressed that somehow you were able to get health insurance behind my back.”

  80. pugfuggly
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#36):

    Apparently her legs don’t have to part in order for him to plug in to her scuzzy port.

    If he’s got the right size connector, I hear all these robots are backwards compatible.

    @Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny (#38):

    “Hey Beth, did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk…?”

    @Illustrator Steve (#51):

    I’ve heard a couple versions of that story. My favourite is the one that ends with the line “California Condor? Tastes a lot like a LOST HIKER!”

  81. Pozzo
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    The creepiest thing about Spider-Man today is that his mask is staring at his ass in panel two. His sweet, sweet spider-ass.

  82. Pozzo
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    (Left out the all-important noun the first time around.)

  83. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MT- “It was Rusty who plugged me with that .308 for my otterly horrible crime. He said he’d let me live and then he jumped in your Wrangler and muttered something about Ohio and vengeance and true justice being served and sped away. I told him “Godspeed Rusty! You know what to do!”. By the way Mark, otter tastes even worse than beaver or penguin.”

  84. Mibbitmaker
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    JP:
    “I own you, mister!”
    “What?”
    “Oh…. nothing. Nothing.”
    “Well, then…”
    “You heard me, slave!”
    “What -?!”
    “Nothing, dear. Oh, by the way, I’m a Burber!”
    “WHAT???”
    “Forget it……..”
    etc., etc.

  85. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth: Who’s the telepath on the left? It can’t be Nona because she’s a GINGER.

    Hilary’s the blonde in the group. Or is blondeness contagious like the mumps or the measles?

  86. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Okay, I totally get why GoComics got pulled from Darkgate, but what a pain. Anyone got an alternative they’d like to suggest?

  87. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#80): “The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid, Beth. I think they are using it for an operating room…”

  88. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#69): You beat me by seconds! Seconds, I tell you!

  89. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#81): His face is proportional to a spider’s ass.

  90. Liam
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#88):

    I’m surprised that I beat anyone to it. I figured someone would have made a robosexual joke before me.

  91. Anonymous
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Re Dark Gate losing strips:

    Oddly, it’s not only UClick comics that have disappeared. Non-UClicks such as Scary Gary and Brewster Rockit also went up in smoke.

  92. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#91):

    Yet “Shoe” remains.

    (Darkgate gets “Shoe” from the “Shoe” website.)

  93. AhClem
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    MW – So Beth, Tom proposed to you after, what? Three weeks of strip time? That’s about 40 minutes in “real” life. Is it any wonder that your mom faked a heart attack? She knows, Beth. She KNOWS.

  94. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    JP -”Put on one of those cute shirts I got you! Hurry up, they are offering free circumcisions in the business center! Let’s go! Chop-chop!!”

    “If I haven’t let you cut those off of me yet – and I’m about to prove that I haven’t – then what makes you think you can get them that way?”

  95. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#90):

    Robosexual anger outburst: “Byte me!”

  96. Hibbleton
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

  97. Ian Beste
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#94): “Free circumcisions? Who gave you that tip?”

  98. Alter Ego
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    love is… genetically engineering your ideal mate.

  99. Illustrator Steve
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    MT – “So when I took aim at the otter I slipped and shot myself. Since it was your land I was poaching on and with you being held liable for any accidents occuring on your land I figured before the law authorities get involved that I’d call a reporter to document a story about it to help my case when I sue your ass in court!”

    (Mark): “HELD LIABLE? LAW AUTHORITIES? DOCUMENT? SUE? COURT? …WHAT are these strange words of which you speak?”

    (Jason Smith): “Welcome to the world of reality and bureaucratic red tape, mister Trail!”

    (Mark): “REALITY? BUREAUCRATIC? RED TAPE? Are THOSE supposed to be words too? …The only words I know are there two FISTS 0 JUSTICE ™ of mine that I’m gonna use to PUNCH my way out of here!”

  100. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#97): Who gave you that tip?

    Nobody, it’s my own, I was just waiting for the opportunity to slip it in somewhere.

  101. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#86): The GoComics site itself is a good source for the Uclick strips, even if you register just for a free membership rather than a paid membership. (For free membership the “aggregation” is a sequence of icons for the strips that you have selected to view daily, but you then have to click on each one separately to view it, whereas paid members get a page with all their strips appearing on it together, like Darkgate.)

  102. bats :[
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Well, let’s get this pretty much deus ex machina plot out of the way and on to something more exciting…

  103. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#101): Yeah, that’s what I’ve figured out. I wouldn’t mind having to click through so much, but the UClick site is terribly slow and memory-intensive. Bad, bad code.

  104. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#102): Continuity error: Tom Hartman’s reflection shows up in the mirror.

  105. greghousesgf
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

  106. Dan
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    “MJ, I have to come home! I’m doing a pretty good job pretending there’s a couch on this roof, and the YouTube app on my phone’ll last me a little while. But you know we can’t afford Hulu Plus! How am I supposed to wa… hello? MJ?”

  107. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Ripley’s: The New Zealand batfly doesn’t fly. Nor does it have wings.

    It hitches rides with bats :[ instead. (I hope it chips in to help pay for gas!)

  108. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#96): sweet.

    only in dog shows is “Reserve Winner of the Open Bitches” a good thing. :-D

  109. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    75. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii
    Commando

    Large dog man myself – dad to two Neapolitan mastiffs and a German Shepherd.

  110. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    oh, and here is the aforementioned Champion sire.

  111. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#105): King Priam’s son.

  112. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#85): The blonde girl is in fact Nona, but it’s a coloring error. S4 artist Jim Keefe promises that Nona’s hair will revert to red as soon as the syndicate finishes running the batch of strips that they had mis-colored.

  113. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#109): sweeeet.

    I like. Big. Mutts. and I cannot lie!

    grew up with Labs and beagles, love pretty much all dogs that aren’t Bite-Bites or toys, big sight hounds make me swoon, the scruffier the better. (Irishes or Scottish Deerhounds esp.) Mastiffs are wonderful, if somewhat slobbery, bulldogs remind me of bb,u so they are high on my list as well.

    sadly, I’ve never owned a dog of my own, but did have ferrets for a decade or so.

  114. Lumaca Morente
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#102): I am having a challenging day and though I don’t have time to read all the comments, I always make time for bats:[. Thanks for the lift -

  115. Lumaca Morente
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

  116. Freakin Hemingwad
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#114): Only if he put a hyphen between ‘dog’ and ‘man’.

  117. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    A Warning to Children

    Beware the Garbage Ape, my son!
    You never know when he may come,
    He wanders here, he wanders there,
    He’s ‘most completely covered in hair.
    His cans can hold most anything,
    Whether you be fat, or you be thin,
    So in caution, son, do not be skimpy,
    Lest you end up like poor old Wimpy!
    Your so-called friends will “arf” and grin,
    And you will not be seen again.

  118. bats :[
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#60): re otter pile: “…can’t…breathe…!…”

    Oh, yeah, speaking of which…

  119. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#117):

    Lewis Carroll has nothing on you.

  120. Calico
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    RM – Sarah wants to write a book – “Sarah’s day at the Abbatoir.”

  121. Dale
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    Mark finds an otter in a trap. It must be POACHERS, not to be confused with the university research team trying to find out if mercury in the fish is making otters Docile and humans Stupid.

    Does Law & Order Man report this crime to the authorities? No. He needs to round up some Evidence, tainted or bogus is good enough.

    Mark hears a shot. Must be the poachers.
    Mark finds a bullet casing. Must be from the poachers. (I hope they have more than one gun for the two of them, unlike the bank robbers.)

    Mark – The magazine you write for won’t have your story in print for months.
    Smith’s story will be in tomorrow’s paper. And the hospital does have to call the police. How will you cover this up until you can find the True Story.

  122. Calico
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Henri – Goth Modern art, part one

    Crank – OK, I laughed. One point for the B/A team.

    SalForth – Don’t worry, Hil, we do it here all the time (ESP). I’m surprised Russian Intelligence hasn’t tapped us yet for this ability.
    Maybe TMI – whenever I call my Mom, she’s on the throne. Weird. We laugh about it, though.

    MT – Speaking of Henry, the old dude is Old Henry from The Musical Box!
    “She is a lady…she is mine”

  123. bats :[
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#114): awwww, thanks. Glad I can help make your day a little bearable.

  124. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    MT: Come and listen to a story about a man named Ed
    A poor old poacher, barely kept his family fed.
    Then one day he was shootin’ at some otter,
    And up through the ground came a bubblin’ batter!

    Pancakes, that is, Trail fix, LoFo feed!

  125. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#118): weasels make the cutest pileups. :-)

  126. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    When I was gettting alternate sources for the U-Click comics that were removed from Darkgate, I totally forgot to include 9 Chickweed Lane.

    Darn, I remembered.

  127. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @ 115. Lumaca Morente

    Four legs good, six legs better!

  128. astroboy
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    MW – Wait, so a story has wrapped up with nary a meddle from Mary, who barely even made a cameo in this story?

    I DEMAND A MEDDLE!

  129. Calico
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#75):
    There was a CORGI ALERT! In my neighborhood yesterday. I love those dogs.

  130. bats :[
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Gringo (#11): that’s what I’m seeing (or not seeing), too. I’m going to be shattered (or closer to really, really ticked off) if I have to go looking for the best of the bads (FW, 9CL, Pib and Luann…).

  131. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    ASM: Peter: “Your wifely prayers have been answered!”
    “You got that right!!!”, says MJ, as she looks over her shoulder at Reed Richards stretched out across the bed.

  132. Calico
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    @Oregonian (#66):
    I haven’t heard a mention of SCSI since the late 90′s.
    Maybe his Dongle Key will fit.

  133. endless sky
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    FC: “Let’s call him ‘Squished.’”

    Pluggers: The term “visitation” frequently refers to a pre-funeral reception where friends and family can offer condolences and share memories of the deceased. So does this mean that Plugger vacation = funeral trip? That fits.

  134. "When It Rains It Shrugs"
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#26):

    “Crock: I’m impressed/horrified that even with hard labor and a diet that’s probably very low on fat, the thirty-something salt mine slave still needs triple bypass surgery.”

    Probably due to his high salt intake. They didn’t feed him, so he could only stay alive by licking the walls.

  135. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#118):

    It looks like ol’ Eddie is a friend of Forrest Gump.

    Hey, I just realized you changed your avatar. It looks like an old timey Milnota twin lens reflex camera.

  136. Calico
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @K. Ivan Ruppert (#4):
    Um, which hair?

    FC – Well, Peter Parker of course!

  137. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#135): Ya know, it would help if I spelled “Minolta” correctly.

  138. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#136):

    FC – How about Boris?

  139. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#119): Why thank you! Of course, I have the advantage of not being dead.

  140. Esther Blodgett
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    FW: Or we could let the dead stay buried. Whatever.

    B.C.: Everyone knows clowns taste funny.

    S-M: Just where does he carry a cellphone, anyway?

  141. "Oh, No, We Got Shrug Sign!"
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#77):

    “The creepiest about Spider-Man today is that his mask is staring at his ass in panel two.”

    Reminiscent of when Tom Servo, temporarily semi-dismantled, got turned on by ogling his own cute robot butt.

    (Can’t remember the episode. . . anyone?)

  142. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#131):

    Invisible Woman completes the threesome… you just can’t see her.

  143. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#140):

    That guinea pig armor on your web site is a hoot!

  144. Shrug, Belatedly Acknowledging Words to Live By
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Yesterday’s AGNES had the best “gee, I’ve got to find a way to work this into my conversation today” line I’d seen in some time:

    “Hey, Agnes! Want to go down to the landfill and throw rocks at stuff that breaks?”

  145. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#139): not even mostly dead?

  146. Calico
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

  147. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#142): Sue does wonderful things with those force fields, doncha know.

    They’re very popular at parties, iykwim, aittyd.

  148. Tophat
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Please, please please can we have a week of strips of Gen. Halftrack ogling Gizmo’s new robotic girlfriend, as Ms. Buxley grows increasingly uncomfortable one desk over. “Would you look at those wheelwells? Daaaamn,” he’ll say lecherously. “Don’t give me that look, Buxley. She’s not wearing any clothes. You could learn a few things.”

  149. Baka Gaijin
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Mary Worth. Written by Moy & Giella or H&R Blech? You decide.

    Ol’ Eddie’s deathbed confession includes the admission he’s the “Eighth Natural Wonder” of Terre Haute, Indiana. Mr. Trail and Mr. Smith don’t know what to make of the fact or what a “Terre Haute” or “Indiana” are.

    Someone tell Dennis the Menace’s best friend that to be a Shriner, he needs a much larger fez.Terre Haute

  150. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#149):

    Terre Haute is kinda in the southern part of the state.

  151. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#124):
    Come and listen to a story about a man named Ed
    A poor old poacher, barely kept his family fed.
    Then one day he was shootin’ at some otter,
    And up through the ground came a bubblin’ batter!

    Pancakes, that is, Trail fix, LoFo feed!

    OOH! May I play?

    Well first thing you know Ed’s a pancake millionaire,
    His tax accountants said, “Ed move away from there”
    Said “The Cayman Islands is where you should found”
    So they loaded up the yacht, and moved to George Town.

    Caribbean, that is. And a brand new Waffle House franchise.

    Well now its time to say goodbye to Ed and all his kin.
    And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin in.
    You’re all invited back again for a bit of gluttony
    And have a heapin’ helpin’ in their pancake colony!

    Obesity that is. Take your belt off.
    Y’all come back now, y’hear?.

  152. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#145): Well, I have been feeling a bit under the weather.

  153. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#146):

    When I was in a teen cover band in the 1960′s we wanted to do “Boris the Spider” but none of us could sing that low. We raised the key and did it anyway.

  154. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#151):

    Oh, great. Now I have that earworm stuck in my head.

  155. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    FW – The entire unrolling of this ret-con Very Special Eposide has been blindingly obvious and mechanical. Just seeing the gears grind is painful.

    If he wanted to tell a date-rape story, and he decided that he would rape the corpse of a dead character rather than actually tell a new story, and that he would have to break the established continuity of the strip in order to do it … he still could have done a better job. This ridiculous “Franky goes to Westview and intends to create a reality show about Lisa, and we absolutely have to stop him, so we need to find some dirt on him related to DFL!” plot is the kind of thing a sophomore English student would come up with late at night while stoned, and then discard the next morning in embarassment.

    He’s just lining up this series of gears that he can then turn v-e-r-r-r-r-y slowly. Frankie is in town. Relax! First, he talks to Dufus and Dufette, the daughter of her father, John Darling, and reveals his plan to …. somehow …. produce a reality show even more devoid of interest than ‘Des Moines Lawn Care’. Then, we learn that Pm n Jfff might know something. Then, we learn that there is a secret journal. Then, we learn that the secret journal has been sitting right out in the open for over a decade, but nobody ever thought to read it. He could just announce “Here is the new continutity” and then lay it out, and spare the Deux from the wear and tear on all his Machina.

  156. Baka Gaijin
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#150): I guess I’m not the expert on the southern part of the state as I thought.

  157. Chip Whittle
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    You all can mock Chip Gizmo all you want, but (a) wheels for heels? I’m sold and (b) building a horrifying metallic vaguely-humanoid sexbot is a far healthier perspective on interpersonal relationships than anything going on in 9 Chickweed Lane, Luann, Funky Winkerbean, and Mary Worth put together in a big scribbly image and making barely parse-able Internet jokes at Crock.

  158. Calico
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#150):
    Well, that’s ironic.

  159. Illustrator Steve
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#124):
    When Mark gets home he’ll be pleased to find out that Rusty has the otters living in thier fancy C-ment pond out yonder!

    // Weeee-DOGGIES!

  160. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#152): If you haven’t got your health, then you haven’t got anything.

  161. Illustrator Steve
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#160): And if yeh aint got nothin’ yeh got no otters to lose!

  162. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

  163. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    We haven’t had a Clerihew here for a while.

    Robosexuality
    Is different from normality.
    Normality is boinking Jills (or Johns),
    Robosexuality is with automatons.

    // A tip of the Scudder hat to Liam and the Right Ven..

  164. Dennis Jimenez
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#62): I remember how May West looked in the end – pretty skeery – yet Blondie has never looked better! Go figure….

  165. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#163): Ha Ha!! That’s great, NS!

  166. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#164): I remember how May West looked in the end…

    So do I! That was one fine derriere! Talk about your large, firm, jauntily bouncing buttocks! And she wasn’t too shabby in front, either.

    // Oh, wait. You meant… never mind.

  167. Esther Blodgett
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#143): That guinea pig armor on your web site is a hoot!

    The bidding on eBay is up to $5,400! But if all my blog readers and all you Mudges chip in, I’m sure you can buy it for me. ;)

  168. Pinewood Tom
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#154): During the Vietnam War, Earl Scruggs (of Flatt and Scruggs) was one of the few bluegrass or country-western artists to publicly support the anti-war movement.

  169. yaoi huntress earth
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    FW: I have a feeling that Lisa’s diary is going to be an exploited for more fame and attention for Les/Batiuk.

  170. Dennis Jimenez
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#166): You might be thinking of Tempest Storm….

  171. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @ Nehemiah Scudder, #151
    YEE HAW!
    This is too funny – I almost added “Take it away, Nehemiah!” at the end of that!
    But I was texting it from my phone at lunch and kinda rushed through it, forgot to add it.
    Thanks!
    // Now, let’s sing that in rounds!

  172. Liam
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    FW-”Lisa moved around a lot for Frankie. When she was with me she would just lie there.”

    Love Is-I knew it.

    MW-”I realized what would happen if I didn’t. You would turn into a sandwich obsessed weirdo.”

  173. Bootsy
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#61):

    Dood is right about MJ being right that Thomas Wolfe is right.

  174. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    ASM- So no one will notice Spider Douche with his mask off on a roof in a major city? I guess he took it all cause it smelled like DD ass.

  175. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#174):ASM- So no one will notice Spider Douche with his mask off on a roof in a major city? I guess he took it off cause it smelled like DD ass. (Spider slip there)

  176. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#175): I have the typing skills proportional to a spider…..

  177. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#155): I would have gone for “Summer gets date-raped” instead of this pointless retcon. It could have been direct and involving, and given Batiuk a chance to make his characters likeable for a change. It would have been more courageous than his usual Specialest Snowflake treatment of the Moores. It might even have made people suggest a Pulitzer prize.

    (I know I’ve suggested that Summer/date-rape bit before. I think it should be repeated every so often, just to remind Batiuk that he missed a blindingly obvious chance to tell a good story.)

  178. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#170): You might be thinking of Tempest Storm….

    Well, I certainly am NOW.

    // And, obviously, so are you.

  179. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#151): Once again the comments lead to a great band name: “Pancake Colony”

  180. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#177): “Les get’s date raped” would have been even better though…

  181. AhClem
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#155): This story line could really, really use a “Suddenly, everyone was run over by a truck. Fin.” ending. The sooner, the better.

  182. bats :[
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#135): yeah, the jerks at flickr deleted it when they were making their “improvements.” I fixed it, probably because you mentioned it…

  183. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    Brooke? I know you’re lurking here, Brooke. Here’s a bit of fuck you friendly advice: go read the current Endtown arc on Gocomics. Notice how Aaron Neatherly’s villain, Allgood, is nothing like your straw troll? Notice how even when the villain loses the argument, Neatherly concedes that he might have a valid point? That people might need to listen to their critics?

    Oh. Right. Neatherly isn’t an artiste. He’s just a really good illustrator with lots of imagination, a sense of humor and a cast of engaging characters in an intriguing world. Plus, um, that mouse in the waitress costume? She’s got a boyfriend and an active sex life, unlike the Burbers.

  184. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#175): Spider slip there.

    You just made me imagine what Spiderman wears under his costume. Pass the brain bleach.

  185. DaveyK
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    In most forms of narrative, MJ’s dramatic statement would act as foreshadowing for the plot to come. In Spider-Man, I imagine she’s just struggling to find a way to tell Peter that the TV is on the fritz or the remote has gone missing.

  186. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#177): But does Summer even go on solo car dates (with guys, I mean)? Aren’t we supposed to infer that Summer’s was the “hand” that outed itself to the principal at the prom? (There’s no point in asking him, since he appeared to be totally stoned during the whole “reveal”.)

  187. Howard Johnson
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#173): Bootsy is right about Dood being right about MJ being right that Thomas Wolfe is right.

  188. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#186):

    It never occurred to me that guy was violating the usual protocol and was actually talking to the hand.

    That is verrrry nteresti…snk*zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZ hemmy hemmy hemmy! zzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

    //it’s an off day for me. way off.

  189. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#182):

    Now that’s the bats :[ avatar we’ve grown to love.

  190. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Howard Johnson (#187):

    Howard Johnson is right about Bootsy being right about Dood being right about MJ being right that Thomas Wolfe is right.

  191. Esther Blodgett
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Howard Johnson (#187): Howard Johnson is right! etc.

  192. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#181):

    I reckon that instead of a truck, they will all be run over by a b***sh** dozer.

    Oh, sure. They will all try to outrun it. In the back of all the character’s heads, they know that a lie is halfway round the world while the truth is still tying its shoes.

    On the back of each of the character’s heads, however, is a target. Destiny will do its thing.

    //I admit, I barely read FW. For a quick minute, I thought Frank was Franklin Richards, the son of Reed and Sue Richards. I expected him to stretch out and flame on before snapping and flaming out.

  193. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#167):

    Maybe you could start a start up starting any time about how you start to start to bid but you start thinking you can’t afford it which starts to make you sad about not being able to start to start to bid.

  194. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#169):
    Lisa’s Story: “Part 1 The Franky-thing.”
    Part 2″ The Les-en-ing”
    Part 3: “The Cancer-ing”
    D.S. al coda ad infinitum….

  195. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    The Amazing, Non-Canonical Comic Strip Spider-Man

    “But, Peter! You can’t come home….”

    Waitasecond!

    @Sequitur (#190):

    I get it now. Haha! Good one!

    Anyways, MJ says:
    “But, Peter! You can’t come home….”

    Holdonnow!

    She actually didn’t say “But, Peter!” That must have been Daredevil throwing his voice.

    What MJ did say is:

    “Peter! You can’t come home!”

    To which Spider-Man replies:

    “Too late, MJ! I am already on my way there. I’m hitching a ride atop a hoiuse being transported from coast-to-coast! The only downside is I haven’t figured out how to break into it yet!”

    //enh. That was a looooong way to get to that line. I am not sure if it was worth it.
    oh well. i’ll claim it was experimental humor in posting a comment.

  196. Lumaca Morente
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#164): Ah, one of the few people who admits to having seen Myra Breckenridge.

  197. Mikey
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#118):
    Mmmmmm….
    For otters and sauce
    12 shucked large otters such as Trailian or Lost Forestian, including liquor
    1 cup Champagne or other sparkling white wine
    2 tablespoons minced shallot (1 small)
    1 tablespoon Champagne vinegar or white-wine vinegar
    1/2 cup heavy cream
    1/2 stick (1/4 cup) cold unsalted butter, cut into 4 pieces
    2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives

    Read More http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Poached-Otters-and-Artichokes-with-Champagne-Cream-236391#ixzz2Wb8zVuMW

  198. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#186): With Batiuk, who knows? I think the inference was that the kid would come out during the next school year, implying that he or she was a junior. Summer graduated, so if continuity means anything . . . (insert weary sigh).

  199. Lumaca Morente
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#177): Summer/Kiesha acquantance rape?

  200. Alison
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    “Rex Morgan”: “Ms. Lanning, are you goddamn serious, this is a museum, not a publishing house, and besides this ‘author’ is a pre-schooler who did nothing but scribble on some paper. If this is the kind of thing you are spending your time on when you’re supposed to be in charge of the museum, I am shocked and appalled. Go clean out your desk.” There you go, “RMMD”. I wrote some dialogue for you that I’m sure will be more realistic than whatever the ponytailed dude says tomorrow.

    “Luann”: Isn’t it cute! Luann’s dad is pretending his daughter will ever actually have sex! Note to Luann’s dad: Even your son has not gone farther than quick kissing (and never will). And he is *engaged*. So don’t worry.

  201. Chip Whittle
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#181):

    This story line could really, really use a “Suddenly, everyone was run over by a truck. Fin.” ending. The sooner, the better.

    I’m not sure which strip’s story line you mean here, but I agree.

  202. Voshkod
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#201): I wonder if an out of context quote can be COTW? Because yours should be.

  203. Dennis Jimenez
    June 18th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#196): And now you’ve got me thinking of Raquel Welch – not that I mind it….

  204. commodorejohn
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    There’s a lot of incredulity going around about this Rex Morgan storyline, but let’s be honest: Sarah’s drawings of horsies are a hell of a lot closer to being art than, say, an unmade bed or a room with the lights going on and off.

    OH YES I WENT THERE.

  205. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#107):

    bats :[ is too busy giving rides to batflies to post a reply.

  206. Mibbitmaker
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    FW:
    Tom Servo (in maximum sarcasm voice): “‘I can’t’, ‘I can’t’, ‘I can’t’! Oo-ooh, it’s all about youuuuuu, ISn’t it. Les Moore?”

  207. The Ridger
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I’m sorry. I cannot forget that Fleurrie is standing right there. Of course, perhaps this is just going to be a round robin of voyeurs. First Edda watches Fleurrie and Sveth, then Fleurrie watches Juliette and Old Amos, then Juliette watches … Edda and some guy? Maybe Amos will come up from NYC to tell Edda that she’s been fired (again) for missing another rehearsal? Whatever. Brooke certainly loses track of his plots, doesn’t he?

  208. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#199): Interesting idea, in a Pibgorn kind of way. Do Summer and Keisha have any acquaintances they could rape? Or any acquaintances at all?

  209. Pinewood Tom
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#205): I’ve heard of Batfly. He’s a member of the Justice League of Insects (along with Superfly, Atom Ant and Wonder Wasp).

  210. walt d.
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#202): Second the motion.

  211. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#191):

    And don’t get me started on the identity of the new sherrif!

  212. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#171): I was figuring that somebody would have busted me by now for suggesting that Waffle House sells pancakes. They don’t. But “Cracker Barrel” didn’t seem to fit the story line. Poetic license.

    // I would have busted anyone else for that sort of solecism. But that’s the sort of mean-spirited soul I am. And after all, IHOP would have worked.

  213. WeatherServo9
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    “Wifely prayers.” Or as some people refer to them, divorce papers.

  214. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#202): I wonder if Chip was hedging his bets? Since Josh seldom awards more than one float position to any particular comic strip, and since Chip’s comment obviously applies to several particular story lines going on, he may have figured that keeping the target vague increased his chances of a seat this Friday.

    // How deliciously Machiavellian!

  215. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#197): What? No lard?

  216. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    BB: “All he had to do was modify her anatomy by installing some soft, spongy material in her…”
    “Check please!”

    MW: And so Elinor sees the error of her ways and she agrees to let her daughter liver life the way she sees fit. Provided that said daughter gets married within minutes of her first date, of course.

    Ziggy: the duck will have to be carefully relocated to its natural habitat in Ernie’s bathtub.

    FW: Not wanting to read a diary passage in which the woman he loved details her sexual assault is in this case recognizably human behavior on Les’ part. Doesn’t stop me from speculating that he’s afraid to find out she was a better writer in high school than he is now.

    Archie: It looks like Veronica is allowing Reggie to perp-walk her to the station.

    RMMD: This is where Sarah loses interest. She doesn’t want to be associated with a museum run by Alfred Pennyworth’s washout son.

    Phantom: “Oh God, I’m in the nerd unit.”

    6C: At least you have one true friend, a friend who brought… an urn for your ashes.

    FC: If the spider just watches TV and waits for other people to do stuff, call it Peter.

    DtM: Chocolate is delicious, but it doesn’t stimulate the soul in the same way its absence does. That’s deep, young master Mitchell.

    Luann: Nancy deGroot doesn’t show much reaction to her husband calling their daughter’s boyfriend a hunk. Certain things she’s just learned to live with.

    Lockhorns: In a surprising attempt to draw in jaded webcomics readers, the strip today incorporates tongue piercing and devil horns. What the hell, let’s say it has a she-male fetish star in it too, just for the hat trick.

    A3G: Lu Ann has heard all this before, of course, but it’s Lu Ann. The words are whistling out one ear right now.

  217. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy Pissyface (#13):

    Hence, by incredible feets of logic, the missing step is – he’s needed somewhere else!

    Dare we hope his new mission entails cleaning urinals?

  218. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Les! How utterly Heartbreaking this must be for you. Seeing the actual journal where Lisa wrote down all her girlish dreams and sorrows. But you must ask the question – Why did your She-Witch-Wife keep it hidden from you??? I think the answer must be obvious. She had read it and knew the Truth! She knew that Sweet Sainted Lisa was an Innocent Victim, not an easy slut.

    What else are you hiding, She Who Must Not Be Named? Did you find something written by Lisa where she mentions that Les could find happiness with ME after her death? SSL always liked me, and I’m CERTAIN she would have preferred that Les have a partner who was his intellectual equal, not just “office staff.” Where is it??? I must find it!! This could change EVERYTHING!

    Yours in hope,
    Susan Smith, President

  219. Shrug, Trying to Put Things on a Scientific Basis
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#214):

    I keep thinking that there’s a dissertation topic (in statistics? popular culture? psychology?) for a ‘mudgeon who goes through all of the old Comment of the Week winners and sorts them by various criteria — comic strip(s) snarked at, whether said strip(s) were ones Josh (or Uncle Lumpy) had featured, day the winner was posted, time of day the winner was posted, how frequently the ‘mudge had ridden the float before (if at all) and/or had been COTW winner before (if at all), lenth of snark, naughty words count within snark (and how naughty, and which words), use of CC inside jokes and running gags, and so on and so on.

    Given enough care, it ought to be possible to construct an algorithym which shows that your best chance for riding the float may be (say) to post between 11:15 and 11:30 Eastern Standard Time on a Wednesday, being your third or fourth snark out of no fewer than six and no more than eight posts under your under nom within the preceding twenty-four hours, snarking on MARK TRAIL while using the words “hoo-hah” and/or “wee-wee” and making passing mention of Rusty’s ugliness and of “pancakes.”

    Especially “pancakes.”

  220. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    June 18th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Crank: Every time I read this comic, I want to kick Crank in the fucking balls.

    FW: Lisa Lisa Lisa. It’s always about Dead Lisa Lisa Lisa. That fucking bitch has been dead for what……14 years now…..and that fucking gloom-ball Les STILL carries a torch for her. It’s amazing that Cayla puts up with this shit. But, then again, this is the Funkyverse……

    MT: Blah Blah Blah Blah…

    MW: ….stupid, moronic, fucking Saul-to-Paul conversion…..I call BULLSHIT.

    RMMD: ….*whap whap whap whap*…I am now officially beating my own head into on the desk….*whap whap whap whap*

    Love is…: “The shadow of your smile”. ………..JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???????

  221. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#208): I already proposed that Frankie and Pal get Summer and Kiesha drunk at some campus bar…

  222. Midtown
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#220): Take a deep breath, Joe. Inhale. Exhale. That’s it. Think puffy little clouds.

  223. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#218): Give it up, Ms. Smith. We know you would have burned the thing if you had found it.

  224. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @WeatherServo9 (#213): Yeah, “wifely prayers” speaks to a highly inappropriate God complex on Peter’s part.

  225. Voshkod
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#218): You blew it, Ms. Smith, by signing off “yours in hope.” If you really wanted a chance with Les, it would have been “yours in mope.” Or just signed in blood from your freshly-slit wrists.

  226. Sandpiper
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#220):” Love is…: “The shadow of your smile”. ………..JUST W THE F IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???????” It will color all your dreams and light the dawn.

  227. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#223): @Voshkod (#225): Now that’s just Harsh! I’ll NEVER give up my dream of finding True Happiness with my Soulmate, Les.

    ss

  228. Illustrator Steve
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    MT – “Sure, Mark … I’ve done a little poaching, mainly to put food on my table … but then there’s always the matter involving taxidermy. Those taxidermists charge an arm and a leg these days don’t cha know! HOW do you expect me to sell a stuffed otter these days on Ebay and come out actually making a profit? Times are tough, Mark. I want your father-in-law Doc, who happens to be my twin brother , to stuff them for free and we’ll split the profits. Whaddia think, Trail?”

    “I think…I think … I THINK I WILL INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FISTS -O-JUSTICE ™!

  229. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Trying to Put Things on a Scientific Basis (#219):I’ve tried loading all that stuff into an Excel spreadsheet, but the formulas are incredibly tricky. And there seems to be some sort of butterfly effect, too. Make a slight change to one input, and the outcome is totally different. I think we’ll have develop an new synthesis of Chaos theory and Bayesian probability to make any progress on the problem.

    // This may be Nobel Prize territory. Just sayin’.

  230. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#229): I plugged all the COTWs into a parsing and lexical analyzer program that I wrote as input to a canonical variables decomposition to reduce them to their common elements and then use those as eigenvectors to generate the COTW of all time. The output of that algorithm is, “Boy, that Margo sure is a bitch, amIright?”

  231. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#230): Very impressive, Doctor. Want to go down to the landfill and throw rocks at stuff that breaks?

  232. Voshkod
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    You guys are going about this the wrong way. I printed out all of the COTWs, then ripped them up. I threw the shreds in the air and picked out those that wafted down in a special pattern taught to me by an ancient madman I met in the necropolis under Paris. I shuffled the few worthy shreds, and cast them down on a Ouija board, where they revealed to me the truth:

    “Send Josh money.”

    When I tried it again, it just said “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine,” so I’m pretty sure I got the correct answer the first time.

  233. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#221): Yes, that would be the perfect opportunity for Summer and Keisha to roofie two unsuspecting men.

  234. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#232): The Right Venerable lives in the necropolis under Paris?

    // Perhaps he just vacations there.

  235. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#232): I tried bribery — twice. I think I’d have better luck with the Ovaltine.

  236. Shrug, Trying to Put Things on a Scientific Basis
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#235):

    Have you tried bribing Josh with the Ovaltine?

    /// I’m just saying, we need to think outside of the box. Or should that be outside of the shake-up mug?

  237. Hank G.
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    FW: Les refuses to read Dead Lisa’s newly discovered journal, at least until he realizes that he might be able to use it to write another exploitative book.

  238. bats :[
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#205): Naw. It’s just that the batfly has a symbiotic relationship with the New Zealand Lesser Short-tailed bat (of which I not one). If a cousin bat wants to pal around with bugs to make up for its fault (a short tail, and nothing too greater about it), go for it.
    OTOH, bugs hangin’ out with bats? Good eatin’, sez I!

  239. agony
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#220): Lisa Lisa Lisa http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mn9cEJjJZE

    Never really listened to these lyrics before – could be Cancerville’s national anthem….

  240. Mr K Martin
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    BRUTAL BAILEY: Josh, you think you’re screaming? Imagine poor Gizmo if his new girlfriend gives hand jobs!

  241. Mr K Martin
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#117):

    You must find a way to get Garbage Ape into Mary Worth!

  242. Dale
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#228):

    MARK TRAIL

    “mainly to put food on my table …”, but now that the market for pot has tanked, I’m poaching for real. Unfortunately, some strangers are trying to horn in. They should be easy to capture. They shot me once and ran, instead of making sure I was dead.

  243. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    We’re about to get the date-rape story as filtered through Creepy Les’s beady eyes. He’ll spend a week letting us know how it horrified him to read the diary, and how he left it out of “Lisa’s Story” to spare Summer’s feelings. Summer will hug him and say he’s cool and brave, and everyone will admire him, and if we’re lucky a glimpse of Lisa’s suffering may intrude upon Les’s adulthood trauma.

  244. Erich Clapton
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#177): For this to occur, she would almost certainly have to be attracted to the opposite sex, what ever that is.

  245. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, when you want to put some food on your table, you just can’t beat poached otter. I mean, scrambled otter and otter sunny-side-up are OK, but poached otter on toast is as good as it gets. Serve it along with an otter shake, straight from the blender.

  246. Shrug, Who's Suddenly Not Hungry
    June 18th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#245):

    “Otter — the otter white meat.”

  247. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#212):

    I was figuring that somebody would have busted me by now for suggesting that Waffle House sells pancakes.

    I didn’t know that. I always thought pancakes and waffles were sort of equivalent.

    // Mark Trail would probably punch me for that comment. And I don’t even have facial hair.

  248. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    @Mr K Martin (#241): You must find a way to get Garbage Ape into Mary Worth!

    I’ve been trying to figure a way to do that for weeks. None of the recent strips seem to work with it. Here’s a nice Garbage Ape blank if anyone else wants to give it a shot.

  249. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#216):

    FW: Doesn’t stop me from speculating that he’s afraid to find out she was a better writer in high school than he is now.

    Or from speculating that he doesn’t want them to discover that he plagiarized Lisa’s diary and passed it off as his own “great” novel.

  250. Uncle Lumpy
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Trying to Put Things on a Scientific Basis (#219), @Nehemiah Scudder (#229), @seismic-2 (#230), @Voshkod (#232), and @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#235):

    I don’t select COTW (sometimes I keep a list of candidates), but keen observation suggests that efficiency, not Ovaltine® or cash, is the key to COTW glory. I suggest:

    1. Posting comments one at a time instead of in blocks, to avoid evoking the defensive tl;dr reaction from our sensitive host.

    2. Commenting on comics that appear in Josh’s posts, because that means the images are already in the database and no trouble to link.

    3. Formatting comments in exactly this way: First part of hilarious comment <a href=”link to comment-provoking image at joshreads.com” target=”_blank”>linkable middle part of comment</a> final part of hilarious comment. This prepares your comment for a quick drag ‘n’ drop into the winner’s circle!

    4. If it’s not clear from context which comic you’re talking about, add <i>Full name of comic:</i> to the beginning of your comment.

    5. Posting your comment Thursday afternoon or Friday morning, because deadlines, sloth, human nature, the reasons, etc.

    Of course, it also helps to reference the sacred traditions of The Comics Curmudgeon, as in “Boy, that Margo sure is a bitch, amIright?”, or the evergreen “Fuck you, Jeffy!”

  251. AhClem
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#201): The comment was in reference to Funky Winkerbean, but you’re right — it’s applicable to so many other strips as well. In fact, it could become as universal as “Christ, what an asshole!”

  252. Dale
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#247):

    There is an important difference. Pancakes become edible by the addition of maple syrup. Use enough and you don’t need butter.
    Waffles require strawberry jam. Adding powdered sugar is a waste.

  253. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

  254. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    @Erich Clapton (#244): Rape isn’t gender-specific. What really needs to happen is for Batiuk to give her a personality. Right now she is the Bestest Athlete Ever, period, because nothing matters but making her a source of pride and smirks for Creepy Les.

  255. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#247): Waffles are batter that hasn’t yet made up its mind to become pancakes.

  256. pugfuggly
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#250):

    You know, I have the perfect response to this post, but I think I’m going to wait until Thursday afternoon to say it.

  257. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#252):

    Pancakes become edible by the addition of maple syrup. Use enough and you don’t need butter.

    And that is how Mrs. Butterworth got her groove back.

  258. Uncle Lumpy
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#256):

    Wise move! Copy/paste the templates from items #3 and #4 to simplify things.

  259. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#255):

    Waffles are batter that hasn’t yet made up its mind to become pancakes.

    Like, wave or particle?

  260. Uncle Lumpy
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    Oh yeah, also — if you’re referencing somebody else’s comment, paraphrase and embed it, on the order of: “What? Margo — a bitch? Fuck you, Jeffy!”

  261. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#253): Ah, yes, that works!

  262. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#216): And so Elinor sees the error of her ways and she agrees to let her daughter liver life the way she sees fit. Provided that said daughter gets married within minutes of her first date, of course.

    “Liver life” depends on how much alcohol Beeth has to imbibe to forget she married the first guy to pay her the slightest bit of attention.

  263. Dartpaw86
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    Weird, I have Beetle Bailey treasuries from the 70′s. I used to read them all the time when I was kid, passed down from my Dad.

    The weird thing is, all this time I’ve been keeping track of BB on this site, I never noticed Gizmo was a since added character. I felt as if he was always there but just never really paid attention. That’s psychologically weird.

  264. Harry F
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Peter Parker. Did you ever think that maybe in a year or so, some guy might be looking at the roof of his house on Google Earth and see you talking on the phone? The guy might go to whoisspiderman (dot) com and see a cell phone photo of some jerk stuck to the back of a semi in some sort of web hammock.

    This guy will then realize he has better things to do with his time but some other may not.

    Just sayin’

  265. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#263): I never noticed Gizmo was a since added character. I felt as if he was always there …

    Like all great art, the characters in Beetle Bailey are timeless.

  266. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#113): Bulldogs are pretty wonderful, but so are corgis, and terriers, and big ole slobbery mutts, and dachshunds, and, well, just about any kind of pup one might imagine.

    And goats. Goats are pretty wonderful, too.

  267. Amos Snarkadder
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#266): And dogs that herd little goats… Yeah!

  268. Zerowolf
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    FW: I can’t. I am unworthy to touch a sacred relic of Blessed Dead St. Lisa.

  269. Zerowolf
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Ok, I laughed, there I admit it.

  270. Zerowolf
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    JP: From the look on the judge’s face “Chop chop” will be the sound the propellers make when Katherine “accidently falls” from the balcony.

  271. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#266): Goats are pretty wonderful, too.

    Baby goats are much cuter than human children. It’s an insult to call them kids.

  272. Liam
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    MT-”I’m glad your here, Mark…I want to tell you and Mr. Smith my story. It’s never been easy for me. I was born a poor black child.”

    Gil Thorp-”I haven’t seen a student this upset since they discovered that their supposed bootleg dvds were all legitimate.”

    Gil Thorp 2-That’s what you get when all your legal knowledge comes from late night ads for lawyers.

    Blondie-Your boss is getting better at beating you. I don’t see any bruises.

    Gasoline-”I would like for you to meet Audrey. It is a special plant that I grew. I’ve taught it how to talk.”

  273. Zerowolf
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    MW: Elinor realized that Mary would hound the piss out of her until her dying day.

  274. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 18th, 2013 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    This is for mostly for tallyHO: Heathcliff By Day.

    @seismic-2 (#245): Man! I suddenly have me a fierce craving for Otters Benedict.

  275. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    gnoshing on radishes from the QG’s garden beds.

    *happy dance*

  276. Mr K Martin
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    BRUTAL BAILEY: She’s made the rounds. Bender says she gives good blow.

  277. Mr K Martin
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    FUNNY WEINERBEAN:

    LES: I can’t. I can’t.

    SUMMER: But you can sell it as “Lisa’s Autobiography” and go on another book tour.

    LES: I can. I can.

  278. Sgt. Stoned
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    MT:”…and I’ve never kidnapped Rusty. Not even once!”

    MW: For Pete’s sake! Will somebody ring for the nurse? The woman has obviously had a massive stroke in her sleep and is talking gibberish. PS: I’m betting Elinor dies when everybody leaves the room.

    BB: I’ve seen a sexier robot in the original “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. Howza bout building a ‘bot that looks like Julie Newmar?

  279. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny (#274):

    AwwwwwYeah!

    Now ya got me wonderin’ if Heathcliff played in a Detroit band back during the 70s. The name of that band?

    Meow Cat 5

    //that was alright to watch. There’s a bunch I hadn’t seen before and I like how some are batched in similar themes. That’s impressive.

    Everybody, everybody out of the way!
    Make room for Heathcliff!
    RocknRoll idol comin’ through!

  280. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#270): JP: From the look on the judge’s face “Chop chop” will be the sound the propellers make when Katherine “accidently falls” from the balcony.

    “Chop chop” makes me think of this character:

    http://images.wikia.com/marvel_dc/images/2/24/Chop_Chop_Earth-X.png

  281. parcheesi
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    I like how the punchline delivery in Beetle Bailey makes no sense in-universe, since Beetle basically told the exact same joke to Killer already (they’re looking at Gizmo showing off his sex gynoid, and Beetle tells Killer “Gizmo finally found the girl of his dreams!”), but then the second panel comes and Beetle is forced to play off Killer’s awestruck rhetorical query with an idiotically literal reply, that will only play as a joke to the audience who just now experienced the reveal. Actually, now that I look at her, she looks more like a 50s-era robot stereotype than an actual robot; is that just someone in a costume? Is that his fetish, or does he value his technical credibility so far beyond his macho credibility that he’s willing to put on an elaborate masquerade to convince his co-workers that he really is that great a roboticist, while carefully playing to their doubtless crude perceptions of what a robot could look like?

  282. FOOBed again
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#85): Nona has inexplicably turned blonde for the last week or so.

  283. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#271):

    Ah, Sensei!

    The difference being that the human child knows either now or later that they are cute. The young goat will never truly know. If they did then they’d want the snazzy shoes for every occasion.

    But, seriously folks! Who can truly pick of choose between those two litters? Not I, said the pig poker. Not I, said cock cuckold. Naught Y, said the farmer’s soon to be ex-wife. Knot tea, said the coffee-hating goober, Gordian.

    Who could say one species is cuter than the other group of kids? All the kids are alright (except for the odd left-hoove dominant goats. What’s up with them? Wee widdle weirdos!)

  284. bats :[
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#248): certainly if there’s a pool party coming up, there’s got to be some custodial work to keep the drunken messes under control…

  285. Peanut Gallery
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#252):

    Waffles require strawberry jam.

    Ice cream works better.

  286. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    Herbie the Ughbug & P. Jammies:

    One, I should stop ridiculing that old ladies depiction in silhouette. I don’t state this publicly my ridiculing her might offend some or that it may look wrong of me to do so. I do so because I’m really sick and tired of misspelling “silhouette” and “publicly”.

    Two, now to make fun of Herbie Ughbug….

    She’s his enemy????

    If you ask me one good look at that face at the wrong time and you may as start calling her your enema! The sight of her would scare you that much!

    That lady’s so ugly….

  287. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#285):

    Oh.
    Mer.
    Gud!

    What if you took all three things and combine them together??!!??
    You could call it an IC J Sandwich! Or, just an Icy J Sammich!

    Add a smattering of blueberry jam and you’d have THE MOST Patriotic handheld frozen treat of a sammich a person with an appetite and a desire to combat the heat could ever hold in one hand! It could be called The US of Icy J!

    I’m tellin’ ya, man! Stoners would eat it up!
    Man!
    One bit of that and they’d be, like, K-poooooW! They’d be saying I’m American, Man! Time ta get fatter, man! Chomp Chomp Chomp.*

    That would be….ooohhhhh! I’m feeling…faint!
    PLONK!
    warble warble warble

    *I’d try one but in moderation. It suits my disposition and it will allow me to continue to fit into suits.

  288. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#287):
    Dang It!
    That was too bold!

  289. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#271): When I (briefly—in a Husband Transition Period) lived in Berlin many years ago, I noticed that a number of restaurants had dog dishes for water. A local resident told me that restaurant owners generally preferred dogs in their restaurants to children because the dogs were better behaved. This preference made perfect sense to me.

  290. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#284): Yes! That would be perfect! Now, if only Moy sticks to her usual “MO”, and spends the next week congratulating Mary, culminating in a pool party for the happy couple…

    // Garbage Ape MUST appear. So it is written; so it must be!

  291. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    @parcheesi (#281): A 1950s robot? More nearly like “Maria” from Metropolis in 1927, I’d say.

  292. Pinewood Tom
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#280): “Hawk-a-a-a!”

  293. Uncle Lumpy
    June 18th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

  294. Chip Whittle
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Trying to Put Things on a Scientific Basis (#219):

    Given enough care, it ought to be possible to construct an algorithym which shows that your best chance for riding the float may be (say) to post between 11:15 and 11:30 Eastern Standard Time on a Wednesday, being your third or fourth snark out of no fewer than six and no more than eight posts under your under nom within the preceding twenty-four hours, snarking on MARK TRAIL while using the words “hoo-hah” and/or “wee-wee” and making passing mention of Rusty’s ugliness and of “pancakes.”

    Not going to lie here: my first COTW float appearance was my third week after delurking, and it was a Mark Trail comment.

    (It’s been nigh-forever since my most recent, though. Different work schedule makes it harder to get around here before the 150th comment or so, by which time we already know Luann screwed up the story today.)

  295. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    MT: This may be more complicated than we thought!

    Garbage Ape does what Garbage Ape can,
    Deeds quite impossible for man,
    But one achievement’s beyond his reach,
    The Garbage Ape cannot otter speech.

  296. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#295):

    Oh, my. Are there otters in the garbage cans?

    Despicable,

    //Canned otter. Not as good as fresh.

  297. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#285): @Dale (#252):

    Gadzooks!
    The IC J already exists!

  298. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#297):

    And, here’s proof! sorta kinda because it isn’t technically jelly. It looks like something dangerous and delicious. And, it is probably overkill, in terms of calories…if anyone is really into counting those things.

  299. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#298):

    Waffles. Pancakes with acne.

  300. Huckleberry Fink
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#299): Quit waffling and tell us what you really think!

  301. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#300):

    Pancakes. Waffles with allergies.

  302. Government Cheese
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    MW: Someone explain this to me. Elinor fakes a heart attack, talks to Mary, has a bad dream, and is right as rain now? Sounds like some crazy meds to me. Besides, haven’t Beth and Tom only been on ONE DATE?

    Luann: Hey Mr. DeGroot, if you are so worried about having the hunk from down under over, why did you bring in his bag?

  303. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#302):

    Luann: Ya can’t leave a man’s bag just hangin’.

  304. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#299):

    Ack!

    If I had to contem-plate you up some waffles and a plate of pancakes, the choice would be a stark one indeed. But, surely the waffles, with what is probably patented waffle technology, will hold the syrup and the butter and not every particle to permeate it crispy golden crust.
    I will not defend the well-formed complexion of waffles. I will only attack it with a fork.

  305. Government Cheese
    June 18th, 2013 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#303): I definitely left the door open for that one.

  306. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#304):

    The problem with waffles is they look like the side of Archie’s head.

  307. Huckleberry Fink
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Time for Peter to do the Condorito ¡PLOP!

  308. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#306):
    So you are saying waffles are newsworthy?
    They are worth writing about because, in the case of Archie, they make headlines?

  309. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#306):

    Would you avoid eating deluxe hamburgers on a bun if you found out Jughead stuffs his crotch with them?

    Well, by that I mean would you avoid non-crotch stuffed burgers just because some of their burger brethren were consigned to Jughead’s regions of netherern?

  310. Huckleberry Fink
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: At least he isn’t touching HIMSELF.

    Shoe: Frito’s love life is nothing to squawk about.

  311. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    “funky winkerbean” – needs the “slow moving vehicle” warning sign – orange reflective triangle used on farm equipment

    “judge pissypants” – um, dude, you do not “waste time” by “doing something useful” – for an example, see above

    “rex morgan” – every single person in this strip needs to be strapped to a rocket and launched into the sun

  312. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    The Point

    Practically any old landscape,
    Benefits from the Garbage Ape.

  313. Sequitur
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#309):

    If Jughead stuffed his crotch with hamburgers we’d see a much larger pickle.

    //And onions. We’d see big ol’ onions.

  314. seismic-2
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: The person in charge of the museum’s publishing division appears to be a stage magician. If he makes little Sarah disappear, he will be my comic-strip hero from now on.

  315. tallyHO
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#313):
    Ba-dumph dumph!

  316. Droopy Says
    June 18th, 2013 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    The Unlisted Spiderman: Given Parker’s total paranoia about maintaining his secret identity, how did the Tarantula know he could reach Spiderdip at Parker’s number? And if Tarantula is smart enough to write down Parker’s number, why would he want help from Spiderman?

    Bil Keane’s Believe It Or Nuts: Believe it or not, Jeffy Keane was so fat he smothered his own shadow!

    Funky’s Flunkies: Summer will be pleased to learn that her mother once dated a jock, then bitterly disappointed that it ended more than nine months before she was born.

    Flatulence Alley: Are the triffids in bloom yet?

    Mark Trail: A phony big game hunting lodge? Does it have a naugahyde rugs? Does it only pretend to hunt (Randall Garrett reference)?

    Phantom: “The hydrogen kite balloon! Flaming target of the present!”

    Pluggers: After going to all that trouble to start their lawn mowers, Pluggers call it a day and nap.

  317. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 19th, 2013 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    9CL: McE’s already forgotten that Fleurrie’s still standing there, cold and dripping wet, hasn’t he?

  318. parcheesi
    June 19th, 2013 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#291): Nah, Maria looked kind of like a person. This thing looks like a cheap prop.

  319. commodorejohn
    June 19th, 2013 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#317): McE’s already forgotten that Fleurrie’s still standing there, cold and dripping wet, hasn’t he?
    Why, Rana, can’t you keep up? We’ve already moved to the next page of smugly dirty sketches he drew on his math notes to piss the nuns off! We haven’t time to construct a narrative out of them, there’s thousands of these things!

  320. walt d.
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    9CL: I must be getting acclimated; I thought this was fairly funny. Now, back to the cows, please. I suppose I could endure a few more strips of Sven’s big and little heads debating whether to (a) remain true to Fleurrie (wherever she might have gotten off to), (b) love the one he’s with, or (c) check the classifieds for a new job and maybe the personals as well.

  321. seismic-2
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#319): Yeah, maybe some day in Pibgorn we’ll get back to finding out what happened with that mermaid back in the Djinn’s homeland of It. Of course, there are some 7436 other unresolved plot elements to tie up first, but still.

    And in 9CL, isn’t Grandpa the opera-singing Nazi still wandering around in a plane terminal in New York, back from when Edda thought she might be pregnant, for reasons?

  322. Dale
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#304):

    All this talk of waffles and pancakes is making me sick, as does eating breakfast in general.
    Worse than those two is Cold Cereal. Is there a recipe that improves cereal without throwing the cereal away?

  323. seismic-2
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#322): Instead of pouring the cereal into a bowl of cold milk, pour it into a bowl of hot oatmeal. You may then add sugar, maple syrup, fruit, or diced otter, as you prefer.

  324. Droopy Says
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    It won’t work, Brooke. You can’t make people appreciate your Bigporn torture by switching over to something even more nauseating.

  325. Dale
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#323):

    That sounds way too much like cooking. I’d skip the maple syrup – seems excessive with the sugar and the fruit, and I hear the real stuff is expensive.

  326. walt d.
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    FW: What do you mean, the story’s not moving forward? This one strip is probably the most dramatic bit of action since Frankie wandered into town. It’s probably the first strip in that time that’s not laughable. Don’t screw it up, Tom.

    FW: Of course Les just bugged out. I can empathize with the first and second versions of Les to some degree. The third version is just an asshole, and I really don’t understand why a cartoonist would trash his own characters as TB has done in the third version. But if a previously unknown journal of a long departed loved one surfaced in my life, I would immediately read it, as I suspect most people would do. There’s something of a problem here since three people in the room had a pretty much equal right to be the first reader, but that was resolved by two of them deciding that they really wanted to catch the evening news or maybe go out for pizza.

  327. Dale
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    GIL THORP

    What’s happening? Who are 10 and 1?
    1 can’t be Knox, he’s waving at the ball or demonstrating his shot put form.

  328. Dale
    June 19th, 2013 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    Ol’ Eddie is dumber than Mark. He’s being forced into a life of more crime than he finds moral.
    Does he call the authorities? No. He calls a Reporter. At least it wasn’t Mark.
    Did he tell The Real Poachers that he was going to tattle?

  329. walt d.
    June 19th, 2013 at 2:25 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Oh, they are not. This would be more understandable if it were Sophie and the JP strip, since everyone in the region presumably is well aware of the Driver-Spencer fortune. But Rex is just an ordinary GP, rich to the likes of me, but not to museum types.

    The “work” may in fact be suitable for the sort of cheap paperback booklet they seem to be talking about. Since it has come up a few times, museums of course don’t print coffee table books on the premises, but they do act as the publisher for books of exhibitions they originate. They commission the essays, and may also do the basic layout of such works. For lessor works, such as “instructional materials”, they may very well do the whole thing themselves.

    The piece on the desk is the first possibly interesting thing I’ve seen since we entered the museum. I suppose it’s a plastic paperweight, available in the museum store for a mere 59.95.

  330. Droopy Says
    June 19th, 2013 at 3:49 am [Reply]

    @walt d. (#326): That’s one of the problems with DFL’s journal–we don’t know whether or not Creepy Les has already read it. Did his response yesterday mean “I can’t read it again” or “I can’t read it because it would remind me of when she told me the facts” or “I had no idea she was raped and I can’t deal with this new view of her life”? Or is there some fourth interpretation, one that will make him look like an even bigger jerk? Yeah, that’s the safest bet.

  331. gleeb
    June 19th, 2013 at 5:51 am [Reply]

    3-G: Well, that is what you just told her. Besides, Lu Ann’s husband was shot down over KoreaVietnamKuwaitwherever, so she’s probably a little tender on the whole war thing.

    Barney Google: Yeah, the parson gets away with his grifting.

    ‘shaft: Batiuk really hates airports, huh?

    ‘bean: More padding, but without Creepy Les it’s slightly easier to take. Without dialog, it’s much easier to take. But brace yourselves, because the deadmom is about to speak across the long years. But wait. What happened to Creepy Les’ objections?And what happened to the anti-Frank meeting? And what about Fairgood’s brain?

  332. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 19th, 2013 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    Frazz: ah yes, foreshadowing, the definition of quality entertainment.

    rIP: *SNURK* ah yes, The Most Common Superpower references. *gigglez*

    PBS: I have never agreed with Rat so much as now.

    SBp: day 101, still not King.

    Zits: guest-starring the Judge’s pith helmet!

    OBH: well played, sir, well played.

    Ghost-who-is-forgetting-someone: Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin on line 2.

    PMP: artfail coup-de-grace.

    6Cx: well you can just rock me to sleep tonight. *shudder*

  333. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 19th, 2013 at 7:13 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . satanic rituals under the stars at midnight.

    (alt: Moooon River!)

  334. Lenoxus
    June 20th, 2013 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#36): Did you know that the inventor of the SCSI port originally wanted the intials to be pronounced not “scuzzy” but “sexy”? Of course, the bluntness of “sexy port” makes it a rather poor euphemism.

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