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If Crankshaft’s sass-mouth landed him in a TSA prison I’d rethink some of my political views

Better Half, 6/22/13

There’s something about Stanley and Harriet’s affectless naivety that just kind of breaks my heart. Like, if Leroy Lockhorn said this, it would be an extremely sarcastic response to a failed attempt by Loretta to get him to eat better, and would also have nothing to do with the actual amount of potato chips he ate. Whereas I picture Stanley imagining that Harriet will find this hilarious, and also carefully counting all the potato chips he ate over a two-day period in order to make sure the joke was also accurate.

Crankshaft, 6/22/13

Sorry everybody if I got you super excited Monday about Crankshaft gracing us with some New York-themed puns. It turns out we had to sit through a whole week of Crankshaft being an asshole to everyone who works at the airport first. Look, in panel three we can see two people hating him at once!

Mary Worth, 6/22/13

Haha, thanks, Tom, I will very much be seeing that grossly exaggerated wink in my nightmares tonight! Still, worse will come when I awake, because then I’ll be unable to stop trying to figure out the precise combination of sexual acts “I was in the mood for meat … but seafood sounds really great, too!” is a metaphor for.

178 responses to “If Crankshaft’s sass-mouth landed him in a TSA prison I’d rethink some of my political views”

  1. Zemto
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    MW: I think it’s too soon after Elinor’s accepting him for Tom to taunt her with the fact he’s bisexual.

  2. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    Dilbert: I hear your fear, Wally.

    PBS: /facepalm. Pastis, take Rat’s oft-issued advice.

    LaCuc: *snurk*

    NAoQV: INCONCEIVABLE!!!

    SBp: /fail at concept stage, execution weak as well.

    Zits: one for commodorejohn.

    Bizarro: *agrees*

    OBH: is about red naked monkey butts.

    RMMD: Panel 3 O_O face saved for future use.

    SF: Nona colormonkey /fail continues.

    Retail: but Cooper is heading for the recycling dumpster, so it’s OK, right?

  3. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . trading sex for money.

  4. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    AS-M: I’m 90% sure there was a big, veiny monster cock in panel 2 that the Syndicate Photoshopped out.

    Crank: I must say, I have very much enjoyed this past weeks’ joke-free strips. I particularly like today’s “punchline” where the airline employee bluntly explainsto the old man who thought he was pointing up some kind of absurd corporate buzzword the meaning of “zone” and why airlines use it . Having everyone treat Ed like the unfunny asshole he is a thousand times more realistic then any of Funky Winkerbean‘s Very Special Storylines will ever be.

    MW: Day five of the dénouement and Tom’s already suffered an aneurism from suppressed his absolute disgust for his future mother-in-law.

  5. CanuckDownSouth
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    FW: Research shows that when questioned, sexual-assault victims don’t relate their stories like victims of other crimes, leading to more skepticism about their tales if police aren’t trained to recognize this, so I should give this the benefit… nah, I still don’t buy this ret-ret-retcon.

  6. KreatureFeatures
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    FW: We now see from where Darin inherited his severe case of “Muppet Mouth” syndrome.

  7. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    MW Redux: Should Elinor be saying “Exxxcccellent!” in Panel 1?

  8. KreatureFeatures
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    MW: One of the many fleas on Tom’s suit has jumped straight into his left eye. Ouch!

  9. CanuckDownSouth
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    @Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny (#4): The employee could have been even more blunt – how many rows go into each zone depends on the size of the plane and can be automatically calculated and put on the ticket; this saves the gate employees from having to remember which rows to call and lets the passengers know whether they’re in the 1st, 2nd, etc group. It also lets them bump people into the earlier groups – which at least one airline was doing for a while if you bought a ticket with their tie-in credit card. I’m usually against comics wall-of-texts, but would make an exception for running off like this and deflating Cranky.

  10. Mibbitmaker
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    FW: Okay, get ready for a long, hot shower, readers!

    RMMD: That reaction is being done by an audience surrogate.

    MW: “Meat…. wink? Is that some kind of double-entendre? ….Okay, that’s it, blessing’s off! I’m going back to my earlier position on this union! Get lost, you…you… you MAN!”

    A3G: “Dammit, Aunt Denise! I wanted to keep the reason for Dad’s headaches a pointless secret forever and you RUINED EVERYTHING!!!”

    Stone Soup: True… and yet, we do pay to be on the internet in the first place (plus, I assume, other media. Even just the cost of buying a tablet, etc…). It’s not exactly free, folks.

  11. revenge4Aldo
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    9CL: It was warm enough for them to go swimming, but cool enough for them to wear long sleeve shirts? It feels like there’s some division by zero here.

  12. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:03 am [Reply]

  13. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    I assume this means that in the US you board people in specific sequence? In all the countries I’ve ever visited (four! count ‘em…four!) passengers just line up to board and sit in whatever seat number is on their ticket. Not to tell you your job, but that way sounds saner to me.

  14. Chris B
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    “In the short time I have known you, Elinor, I have found that the key to your personality is passive-aggressiveness. Therefore, I am going to say that I felt like the exact opposite of what you want, but what you want is good too. I guess. If you really want it.”

  15. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    12. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii
    Commando

    Here comes a chopper to shoot off your head…

  16. endless sky
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    9CL: Can we all just take a pledge to STOP reading this strip and NEVER comment on it again? Like it never happened? Everyone’s mental health and blood pressure will benefit.

  17. revenge4Aldo
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    FC: “How could you trash the club I like to call ‘the enforcer?’”

  18. CanuckDownSouth
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#13): US carriers might also do boarding by zones in other countries. Canada also boards by row zones. In theory, it helps to get the people in the back to go first, so while they’re fussing with their luggage and the bins, the middle can move in more efficiently, etc. This idealized case is seriously screwed up by having 1st class at the front, people with kids or mobility issues (who really need the extra time from getting on early!) scattered throughout the plane, and letting various “diamond”, “gold” or “platinum” frequent flyers get on whenever.

  19. bbofun
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    ASM- MJ’s making this all up, isn’t she? I mean, look at her ACTING so hard in panel 1! And it’s working. That’s her super-power- ACTING! (Insert Team America:World Police joke here)

    FW- Panels 1 & 2 are actually pretty much how lisa described “that night” in continuity, so I’m betting Batiuk went back to the Archives to research that. Too bad he didn’t realize the story was actually decently told the first time, and completely relatable, and made Lisa seem (to quote Les in that storyline) “human.”

    I will say I think this is the first time in pop culture I’ve seen a “Lover’s Lane” that was actually a street, rather than, say, the a scenic overlook. So, hey, there’s that.

    9CL- Edda has that effect on everyone.

    LUANN- Man, even the dog is bored by these two.

    MW- “Well, I was in the mood for some penis, but…” I guess I better leave this line out, just to be on the safe side (in my hometown).

  20. Rusty
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    FW: Did Lisa buy a diary and start writing in it right after her date with Frankie? How did Summer get to the action when first opening it? Well, it’s flashback time as designated by the photo album panels, so let the raping begin!

  21. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    No matter what Beth wants or thinks, I’m pretty sure she loses…
    Or, “I’m not gaining a husband, I’m getting another dependent, demanding so-and-so.”

  22. Liam
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-Go to Costa Verde to help and she’ll die. Go back to New York and she’ll die. Through Spiderman’s inactions either way she’ll die.

    FC-I like how the head of the golf club is broken.

    FW-Saving Sunday for the big rape scene I take it?

    Gasoline Alley-Slim, get the fuck out of there right now.

    JP-Of course I can. All these books written by comic strip characters are like that. We are told how great these books are and then we read a snippet of it and it’s tripe.

    MT-Come now, Mark. Eddie’s in a hospital. It’s the safest place in the world. None of the doctors there are corrupt just incompetent.

    MW-”Let’s all go to this restaurant called the Bum Boat where we’ll just casually run into Mary Worth who we can heap with thanks and praises for matching us up.”

  23. TheDiva
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Hey, you know that annoying asshole who makes the flight a living hell for everybody else on the plane? We’ve made an entire comic strip about him! Laugh, damn you!

    MW: Tom immediately caves in to Elinor’s every whim. He’ll fit right in with this family.

  24. Old Folkie
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @endless sky (#16): 9CL: Can we all just take a pledge to STOP reading this strip and NEVER comment on it again? Like it never happened? Everyone’s mental health and blood pressure will benefit

    A number of us have already done that with Pibgorn.

  25. TimP
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#18): I am a ‘Silver’ flier and get the privileged boarding access. Let me assure you, however, that everything I do involving air travel has the purpose of getting me (and by extension others) through it all as quickly and painlessly as possible. From getting through security, to getting on the plain, to getting pleasantly buzzed while I’m wedged into a seat about eighty percent big enough to fit me.

  26. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Tom is totally gunning for a three-way.

  27. Rusty
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#22): Sunday’s FW will no doubt feature several overhead views of the rape van in the alley, excuse me, “Lover’s Lane.” It will be a bonus if we get detailed drawings of the leopard print seat covers and orange shag carpeting on the ceiling. It will be drenched in a watercolor-like haze, which he favors on Sundays. I wonder whose head will be floating next to the title panel? Frankie with full hair and an equator where his mouth should be, I bet.

  28. TheDiva
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    9CL: Today’s McEldowney-to-Human translation:
    Fleurrie: All I wanted was meaningless sex, but Sven actually wants a relationship! What do I do?
    Edda: Silly Fleurrie, that’s how it works! Your man worships and adores you and gives you everything you want, and you just use him as an object to satisfy your carnal lusts! That’s how Amos and I work, and it’s wonderful!
    Fleurrie: I may be a terrible person, but at least you make me look good by comparison.

    A3G: I always wondered what sort of universe the people in bad educational films live in. Now I know.

    FW: Speaking of bad educational films, Tom Batiuk clearly missed his calling as a screenwriter for afterschool specials.

    GT: “I’m proud of you. You’ve leaned that working through your problems isn’t as important as repressing them long enough to win at sports!”

    Luann: Quill and Luann have so much in common–like tormenting other people for their own amusement.

    Retail: Well, cardboard can easily be recycled, and a lot of packing materials can as well, so…circle of life, I guess?

  29. Downpuppy Squared
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#13): They try to get the infirm on first, then load it back to front. Airline passengers, being large & overloaded with stuff, tend to stand around in the aisles. A couple of pluggers near the front can block the entire loading for 10 minutes.

  30. John C Fremont
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#23): Crankshaft comment = COTW! Or, at the very least, COTWeekend.

  31. The Ghost of Jarrod
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Luann – If this was my daughter, I’d much rather she was just having sex with her boyfriend like a normal person, rather than doing whatever the hell she’s doing.

  32. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    MW: isn’t that man Tom winking at *Elinor*?

    FW: that’s not a van, that’s a *bus* – next stop, Charterstone, to pick up a few *real* swingers!

  33. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: I’ll admit to being a bit confused by this. Airline employees are as a rule some of the most gracious, chipper people you’ll ever meet. Even when they’re not, they’re used to dealing with a thousand and one stupid questions at inappropriate times. And who gets peevish with a confused old man trying to board a plane? I have to conclude that this is yet more Batiuk Pulitzer-bait as he exposes the shocking truth of elder hate in America. As usual, it’s a failure.

    Mary Worth: I think the wink refers to the shrimp Tom’s left out in the sun all day and now intends to serve to Elinor. If he can’t shock the old bat to death, he’ll do it with food poisoning. That inheritance will be his, one way or another.

  34. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Daily Seafood Special at The Bum Boat: salmon scampi and shrimp squares.

  35. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Now, I’m just a simple, country bumpkin. However, I do have a copy of Slylock Fox’s Junior Detective Kit One of the many useful tools looks like a magnifying glass but it is actually a Maturifying Glass Decoder for Understanding Things Said By People Who Are Older. (at least that is what is says on the otterskin case.)

    So, I busted mine out to try and divine just what the holy heck is going on in Mary Worth *

    By my calculations and after consulting with the Decoder Dictionary, it seems that
    when Elinor is clapping and saying she would like “seafood” she is using a euphemism for “liking to watch”. On the other panel, Tom is playing along because since the three of them moved in together, he is accustomed to Elinor’s simpleton’s plea for Horny Hijinx Dinner Theater.

    So, he plays along (with a wink) by saying he originally just wanted “meat” (acc. to the SFMGDUTSBPWAO, “meat” means “get it on by meeting at the hip”). He then acquiesces as their hijinx seem to keep Elinor calm and passive. So, Tom is willing to entertain with Beth while Elinor watches.

    Now that I consider the meaning it sounds kind of sick. Also, I’m glad she didn’t request a particular dessert. Yeeesh! Dang Maturifying Glass

    //*(personally, I thought seafood counts as being meat but apparently it is just big water bug innards—-which is why I avoid it. )

  36. Nekrotzar
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    “No, I mean, why do you bother boarding in batches at all, when narcissistic assholes like me ignore you and board whenever we feel like it anyway?”

  37. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW: “I was in the mood for _______, but _______ sounds really great, too!

    Go ahead and memorize that little template right now, Tom, because you’re going to use it a lot in the coming years. While you’re at it, practice it in front the mirror, so your rictus of resentment and desparation isn’t too obvious.

    “I was in the mood for Game of Thrones, but Matlock sounds really great, too!”
    “I was in the mood for a hike in the mountains, but sitting here with you sounds really great, too!”
    “I was in the mood for a Scotch, but lukewarm tea sounds really great, too!”
    “I was in the mood for wild screaming monkey-sex, but playing pinochle sounds really great, too!”

  38. Illustrator Steve
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    MT – They could always contact ranger Tom Martin. Did anyone even think toconsider callig ranger Tom Martin? Ranger Tom Martin would know what to do. WHY don’t you call ranger Tom Martin? Maybe someone should call ranger Tom Martin!

    // FU-k-it! I”LL call the sonofabitch myself!!!!!!!!!!!

  39. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#37):

    but playing pinochle sounds really great, too!”

    When I was a young lad, I thought that was a punching game. It sounded like something you either practiced for or avoided altogether.

  40. Liam
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-I’m hoping that Cranky’s attitude will force the pilot to crash the plane instead of enduring another minute of him on the plane.

    Crankshaft 2-”They’re called zones so we know which sections to suck out when we’re up in the air.”

  41. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G: Fun facts: PTSD has only existed as a diagnosis since 1980, and was insanely controversial when it was first included in DSM-III. I once interviewed Jim McDermott, a US Representative from Seattle and former psychiatrist who was instrumental in getting it into the DSM. And PTSD is not a “sickness,” which would describe something with a biological etiology; it’s a disorder, a maladaptive response to a traumatic experience. So Marty’s exactly right: her dad isn’t sick, he’s just su-OH DEAR GOD, SHULOCK AND BOLLE ARE GUNNING FOR A PULITZER. Talk about traumatic, for us.

  42. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Today on “money falling into laps from dying industries”: Rex Morgan, M.D.!

  43. Flipper
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    9CL: I’m not sure what “hubba-hubba wongbonga ding-dong rapturama” means when Edda’s vagina says it, but apparently it’s an act so depraved as to make Fleurrie’s asshole feel clean by comparison.

  44. seismic-2
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    ASM: When Peter was supposed to come back to NYC after finishing hanging out with Jonah Jameson and Kraven in Las Vegas, he called MJ to tell her that he was going to San Francisco instead, and her attitude seemed to be, “OK, whatever”. Now he calls her to tell her that he is finally coming back to NYC, and she feeds him this yarn about how he must go straight to South America instead. Say, whatever happened to that Robert Goulet look-alike movie star who was the leading man in MJ’s play and who had the hots for her? Just sayin’.

  45. Digger
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    BH: Look at the way the top of the chip bag is shredded. So I guess when Stanley starts craving his 43…errr, 40 potato chips he just bites right through the bag?

    MW: “You see what I’m doing to appease your bitch mother, Beth? And I’m allergic to seafood! So you’ll be driving me to the emergency room tonight (wink,wink).”

    C’shaft: “We board by zones because we have a special zone for people like you. It’s called the A-Hole Zone.”

  46. Anonymous
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#38):”WHY don’t you call ranger Tom Martin?”

    That’s simple. If they DID call ranger Tom Martin the next thing you know Mark, ranger Tom, Eddie and the reporter’s skeletons would be found tied to tree stumps along the river bank right next those missing UPS fellows.

  47. erdmann
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    FW: Given the time this story took place, should the flashback “photos” really be sepia-tone? I think it be more fitting for them to look like they were taken with a Polaroid SX-70 or a One Step — blurry with fading, garish colors and a splash of developer or a finger obscuring part of the image.

  48. Illustrator Steve
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    MT – @Anonymous (#46): Actually, no one in the southern part of the state has seen ranger Tom Martin checking his area since he went fishing on Lake Rhododendron during the fire storm.

  49. Red Ruffensor
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    MW: Looks like Beth was in the mood for a bit of meat, too.

  50. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#46):

    Didn’t those “missing UPS fellows” have a sweet stash of grass?

    They probably high-tailed it to Mexicoooooooooooo!

  51. Ratiocinator
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    FW: It appears that Lisa did not make that stupid leopard skin joke on the same night she was raped and that she had more than one date with Frankie, thank Jebus.

    By the way, Frankie should never try to play poker, what with that perpetual “I have evil plans!” grin stuck on his face.

    JP: Ladies and gentlemen, the one reviewer with too much integrity to accept Judge Parker Senior’s bribes!

    Luann: Is it wrong that the last panel actually made me laugh? (Apparently Luann is trolling her parents, which earns her a couple of points with me, bringing her score with me from -10731 to -10729.)

    RMMD: Yes, that is exactly the correct reaction to hearing that information, in panel three.

    Slylock: AAAAA UNDEAD DINOSAURS THEY’LL KILL US ALL EVERYBODY RUN!!!

    (Also, that guard’s hat does not match the rest of his uniform, so the brontosaurus is doing him a favour by removing it, really.)

  52. the REAL Mark Trail
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    I haven’t been as attentive lately as I have been busy working on the next daily storyline (it involves lots of ELK) as for tomorrows Sunday page… there is a little bird in a 3rd world jungle that dances so fast it appears to be doing the “moonwalk”!

  53. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#51):

    Jinkies!

    I didn’t see that one coming!
    Might this be some of Count Weirdly’s handiwork?

    Only the frogs and I can have green skin! So, I will bring big, boney soreass back to life with some stipulations! (and an appetite for hats!)

  54. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#52):

    ELK?

    The Electric Light Kangarorchestra?

  55. Will
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: The Hurler has jumped the tracks, and everyone is being hurled to their deaths. Yay?

  56. Badger3k
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Other than the fact that seafood counts as meat to most people, maybe he’s saying that Beth is a hermaphrodite or transexual?

  57. walt d.
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: The question should be “Why are you boarding by zones, when I’m the only person on the flight?” All the other passengers opted out after hearing Crankshaft harassing various airline personnel.

    JP: Couldn’t we take a week off from this story line and fill it with new pictures of Neddy lounging around in her skin-tight tops?

    RMMD: And while we’re at it, how about some more frames of Becka hitting on Milton. Either that or ONE of the storylines needs to get cracking.

  58. Ratiocinator
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#24): Yeah, if it gets as horrible as Pibgorn, I’ll stop even looking, let alone commenting.

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#31): Not that I’d ever have done anything like this at her age (I would have just taken the direct approach and told my parents to butt the hell out of my personal life), but my theory is that they actually do resent being told what they are and are not permitted to do with one another as much as I would have been at that age (which would be A LOT) and enjoy making the people presumptuous enough to tell them that squirm.

    Sorry everybody who thinks she’s acting horribly right now, but this is that once-in-a-blue-moon occasion where I have to side with Luann. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll go right back to hating her as soon as we move on to the next arc, and then we’ll all be on the same page again.

  59. Illustrator Steve
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    MT – No, Jason. You CAN’T run THAT STORY yet! …that is, NOT until Mark proof reads it and takes a copy of it to Bill Ellis to publish as his leading feature story for the August 1961 edition of Woods and Wildlife magazine. After that you may feel free to ‘RUN’ with THAT STORY . Yes, Jason, by then you could ‘RUN’ all over your area with THAT STORY . Hell, by then you could even ‘RUN’ around your back yard NAKED with THAT STORY while holding it in your hands … just don’t ever try and go publishing THAT STORY , Jason, or Bill Ellis will sue your ass!

  60. Ratiocinator
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#53): Hmm, it does have Weirdly’s fingerprints all over it…

    @walt d. (#57):

    JP: Couldn’t we take a week off from this story line and fill it with new pictures of Neddy lounging around in her skin-tight tops?

    Motion seconded!

    RMMD: And while we’re at it, how about some more frames of Becka hitting on Milton. Either that or ONE of the storylines needs to get cracking.

    Part of motion seconded! (Why do we need Milton?)

  61. Chyron HR
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    FW – Unable to afford clothing with the actual Star Wars logo on it, Jimmy settles for writing the film’s name on a blank shirt in magic marker.

  62. KreatureFeatures
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Aah, Gil Thorp. You’ve crushed the scholarship dreams of yet another graduating class.

  63. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

  64. Illustrator Steve
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#52): So, your saying that the next MT story line takes place at an ELKS lodge? ….COOL!

    // Don’t tell me, Mark will become the Elk’s LoFo BPOE lodge’s Exaulted Ruler by using the Fists-O-Justice approach when it comes time for casting votes.
    (…I wonder if Mark can cast votes as far as he can cast a lure?)

    // By the way, good to see you’re still posting here on the ‘mudge’ and still doing such a good job of keeping all of those giant animals away from LOFo! As you know, those giant animals simply lack having the proper perspective about things! :-)

  65. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#52): North American elk (wapiti) or European elk (which are dead ringers for North Americqn moose)? Can’t hardly wait! :D

  66. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#63): yup.

    happy bat iz happy. :-)

  67. pugfuggly
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    B 1/2 “And on thursday I had 44 chips and 1 piece of cat earwax when I forgot which side the bag was on…

    C’shaft That’s it, Cranky, keep asking more and more questions about how the airport functions. Soon enough, a couple of men in black suits carrying latex gloves will show up, and this whole ridiculous airport story will have been worth it.

    MW Hey Tom: I see what you’re trying to do there, but seriously, there’s nothing more passive-aggressive and annoying than saying ‘Oh you want ‘X’? I wanted ‘Y’, but whatever….”. Just a tip.

  68. Maxwell J Katt
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    I’ll be unable to stop trying to figure out the precise combination of sexual acts “I was in the mood for meat … but seafood sounds really great, too!” is a metaphor for.

    He’s giving her oral instead of taking the strap on.

  69. Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#9): I agree — a wall of text deflecting Crankshafts angry ignorance back at him would have been quite clever, visually speaking. That said, I genuinely liked today’s strip for the reason that the airline employee was completely unruffled by Crankshaft and replied in such a matter-of-fact manner. It would be a good thing if going forward this strip did nothing but show people how to deal with assholes in professional and productive ways. It wouldn’t need punchlines because watching Crankshaft be put in his place day after day would be its own reward.

  70. Allen
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    “Figure out the precise combination of sexual acts ‘I was in the mood for meat … but seafood sounds really great, too!’ is a metaphor for.”

    I’m going to guess homosexual sex, or possibly a threesome with another guy (“meat”), then onto just plain straight sex (because the female genital area purportedly smells like fish?).

  71. pugfuggly
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#51):

    By the way, Frankie should never try to play poker, what with that perpetual “I have evil plans!” grin stuck on his face.

    Of course if he always has that grin on his face, good cards or bad, wouldn’t that be as effective as any poker face?

    Someone once told me that if you can’t keep a cool, confident poker face going, you should go the other way and look at each new card you get dealt as if you’d never seen the likes of it before, because there’s nothing quite as confusing as seeing your opponent look completely baffled.

  72. Uncle Lumpy
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean — Wait, that can’t possibly be Lisa joining in all the Teen Drinking. She must be rescuing a drowning puppy or something.

  73. dmsilev
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @Flipper (#43): “9CL: I’m not sure what “hubba-hubba wongbonga ding-dong rapturama” means”

    If memory serves, ‘wongabonga’ is what one of Jabba the Hutt’s henchmen said to um C3PO I think. If this means that one or more of the strip’s characters are about to be fed to a Rancor or, even better, are about to be carted off into the desert to be dumped into a slavering maw where they will then learn a new definition of pain and suffering as they are slowly digested over a thousand years, well I for one will be sure to tune in for that.

  74. Ratiocinator
    June 22nd, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#71): Heh, yeah, that would work pretty well too.

    But in the non-flashback strips we’ve also seen him get this “GRRR, I hate everything in existence!” scowl when things don’t go his way, so his face would probably do that when his hand sucked.

  75. Jim in Wisc.
    June 22nd, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Melonhead Circus: And so begins Dolly’s life as a crazy hoarder lady.

    Meddlin’ Mary: In the mood for “meat”? Did Tom just come out?

    @Cloudbuster (#y145):

    Off topic: Does anyone else loathe the common ploy of having a popular, established author “co-author” a work with a new author. I understand the marketing reason behind it, but too often it comes across as false advertising. In many cases, they read to me as if the established author’s contribution ended at the book cover.

    Clive Cussler may be the undisputed king of this practice. He has several series all authored by others. I think his involvement ends at suggesting the general story idea.

  76. McBain
    June 22nd, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    MW: Beth may be smiling, but the terror in her eyes tells a different tale: “Don’t let on that you weren’t in the mood seafood Tom, or she’ll wish you into the cornfield like she did with Dad!”

  77. Bill Peschel
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    As a fan of Frank Zappa, I know exactly what kind of seafood Tom is in the mood for. Mudshark (Snopes link).

  78. J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#23): I think “Laugh, damn you!” is Batuik’s mission statement.

  79. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: This is Moy’s version of “Meating a Dead Lion.”

  80. Chameleon
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    FW: Wait, maybe we’ve all been wrong. Maybe the diary is going to tell the story about how Frankie drank too much to *ahem* perform. She laughed at him, which led to the threatened violence that PmnJff broke up. The diary will show that Frankie isn’t even Darrin’s biodad at all, leaving the whole reality show pointless and impossible!

    We’ll find out that after leaving PmnJff’s apartment, a large Austrian man was out to kill her, but handsome fellow from the future saves her and tells her she’s the mother of the savior of the human race. After a night of passion, he is tragically killed. She knows that giving up the child is the only way to protect him from the machines…

  81. Ratiocinator
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective (#78): Well, maybe just with Crankshaft. As for his other strip, it is SERIOUS ART, to be taken SERIOUSLY!

  82. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    A3G:

    Bespeckled girl:

    “Stop it, Aunt Denise! My dad is not sick! I made curtains out of spare hair!”

  83. Daniel
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft hmm, the door to the gate is closed and Crankshaft’s standing in front of it. Either the flight left 10 minutes ago or they’re just gaslighting him. Again.

  84. gorram
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    I’m expecting Tom to continue this tomorrow by asking Beth’s mother if she likes oysters, and whether she considers it moral to eat oysters but immoral to eat meat. It is all a matter of taste isn’t it?

  85. seismic-2
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    BH: Well, now we know what the advertising slogan of Chips brand potato chips is: “Bet you can’t eat just 39!”

    MW: Tom, it doesn’t matter whether you were in the mood for meat or seafood – what you’re getting for dinner is a bowl of unrecognizable lumps of orange glop. This is Mary Worth that you’re in, remember? At least the wink shows us that Tom’s plan is well underway to force-feed Elinor asparagus tonight until she chokes.

    Crank: “Ah, I see from your boarding pass that you’re in Zone 15, that allows you to accompany your checked luggage in the cargo hold. Enjoy your flight.”

  86. Zemto
    June 22nd, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @dmsilev (#73): “Dumped into a slavering maw where they will then learn a new definition of pain and suffering” is pretty much what happens to every man in 9CL.

  87. SurrealKangaroo
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    The cat in “The Better Half” is always just staring at the reader. It kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.

  88. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    GA: Priscilla Parsley… wasn’t she once married to Elvis “the King” Parsley?

    Nancy: If Spider-Man wanders into this strip, he’ll be facing an armed (and possibly dangerous) Sluggo Smith.

  89. Calico
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Did Tom’s eye just pop out? Ew.

    “We’re having fish, Mother-with asparagus!”
    (All hell breaks loose)

    Baldo – this is getting creepy. Uck. A mini-stalker, obviously with attachment and co-dependence issues. Please make it stop.

  90. Calico
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#75):
    Dolly the Dumpster Diver! aka D3.

  91. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#31): writing a follow-up to “Hey, Boy”? Cock-teasing Quill? Boring the hell out of Puddles?

    @Badger3k (#56): wouldn’t most normal people (so of course this excludes Tom, and most everyone at Charterstone) say “I’m in the mood for ribs” or “I’m in the mood for steak,” rather than generic meat? Hell, this could be possum roadkill, for all I know.

    @pugfuggly (#67): wax is pretty much indigestible, so you haven’t spoiled your diet at all, Stanley.

    @dmsilev (#73): It’s a Sarlacc. (I know this because I have no life.)

  92. Droopy Says
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#46): Mark and Jason don’t need to call Rangertommartin. The hospital staff would call the police as soon as they discovered that Ol’ Eddie has a bullet wound. That means the deputy sheriff would already know Ol’ Eddie is still alive.

    Meanwhile, does Mark realize that Jason works for the poachers? When near Eddie’s cabin, Mark heard a gunshot. He and Andy ran to the sound of gunfire. When he got to the cabin, no one was there but the victim and Jason WASPname. Jason was inside the cabin and claims to have seen two men drive off. Mark didn’t see or hear them. If Andy saw them–hey, where is Andy? Did he run off to tell the deputy sheriff that Ol’ Eddie survived? Just how vast is this conspiracy, anyway?

    Oh, and Mark? Nice bedside manner, telling Ol’ Eddie that he’s a marked man. Why not measure him for a coffin while you’re at it?

  93. Droopy Says
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @dmsilev (#73): “Wonga Bonga” is also a bit of WW I slang. It imitates the sound made by the unsynchronized engines of German Gotha bombers. I think this is Brooke’s obscure way of admitting that this story line has bombed badly.

  94. seismic-2
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    “Wonga Bonga!” is what Rat shouts when he kicks Pig in the Oompa Loompas.

  95. remmy
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @endless sky (#16): I hear you. This comic is beyond snark. I saw today’s and… and cannot believe what a complete train wreck this entire story arc has been. And remember – we are supposed to LIKE Edda; what – a – whore.

  96. Beetle Bumstead
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny (#4): If you look at Elinor’s hands in panel 1, I think it was Photoshopped out there too, but apparently it was not as big as you thought.

  97. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    C-Shaft: The epic battle of cranky vs. crabby begins.

    MW: Let’s hear it for Tom Harpman, the one-eyed bisexual.

  98. Beetle Bumstead
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @McBain (#76): Beth’s expression of dazed terrified embarrassment in counterpoint to Tom’s wooden winky leer tells me that Tom has stumbled on the Unsafe word that Elinor and Beth use to initiate their incestuous BDSM roleplaying.

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#10): Re A3G: For that matter, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to write off the headaches as a symptom of PTSD. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had that too, but being in a war zone tends to expose you to things that could cause somatic injury as well.

  100. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    MT: “Um. Mr. Trail? You’re a good neighbor and all, but I don’t really feel that hand-holding way about you.”

    9CL: Congrats to you and your rapturous dingdong, Edda.

    Baldo: Gracie’s unwanted BFF has turned out to be an unbalanced stalker. If Dennis wants to be considered a menace again he’ll have to learn how to hitch a ride on the underside of a car.

    JP: “The critics are supposed to paraphrase copy from the publisher. This bitch actually read the stupid book. Unfair!”

    RMMD: Yeah, that was my reaction too

  101. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#94): Rat is the prime minister of Italy?

  102. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny (#4):

    AS-M: I’m 90% sure there was a big, veiny monster cock in panel 2 that the Syndicate Photoshopped out.

    Now that you’ve made me see it…

  103. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    6C: “Why don’t you go out on the town with those two friends of yours, Gregor Samsa and Seth Brundle?”

    Blondie: On the bright side, Herb gets to try out Dagwood’s hairstyle this way.

    SFX: We knew that in the SlyVerse, an animal uprising was coming that would wipe us out. What we didn’t know is that long-dead animals would be the advance troops.

    Marvin: Like a dog that lives with Marvin would be daunted by stink.

  104. Joe Blevins
    June 22nd, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Better Half: From the expressions on their faces, those are Sour Cream ‘n’ Amphetamine flavored chips, and everyone (including the cat) has been enjoying them.

    Mary Worth: Who, upon being invited to dinner, immediately starts making menu requests? I ask you. “So, uh, would you maybe like to drop by for dinner toni–” “LAMBCHOPS WITH MINT JELLY FOR ME, PLEASE!”

  105. Chaze
    June 22nd, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    MW – it’s not everyday you can read Mary Worth and pick up on a banned scene from Spartacus….you know….Tony Curtis bathing Lawrence Olivier, while Olivier quizzes Tony on whether he prefers fish or meat or…..both?

    Wow! Naw….a happy accident, I’m sure.

  106. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    Only tangentially related to the comics, but when I was on the AZ Republic site they were advertising “Lolita dresses.” Which I really don’t like the sound of. It sounds like something you’d wear to the mixer while you’re much older date rocked a Humbert suit.

  107. NonnyMus
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Elinor claps her hands in glee as her newest stooge does her bidding! Life is good at Charterstone Condominium Complex!

  108. Liam
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I was in the mood for eating a bullet because I was divorced and a workaholic now I’m still in the mood for eating a bullet because of my future mother-in-law.”

  109. Liam
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”My Dad isn’t sick! He’s just trapped here in this comic.”

    A3G-”No, I don’t know what it’s like, Denise. The war killed my husband.”

    FC-Mommy should of done a better job of putting Dolly out in the trash or else she wouldn’t have gotten out.

    FW-”He said it was called ‘Lovers Lane’ but it had a sign that said ‘Rape Alley’.

    MT-”You can’t run that story yet because I promised my editor that story for my magazine.”

    MT 2-Don’t let Big Mike’s name fool you. He is actually very small.

    Spiderman-”Then I’ve got no choice! I’ll see you as soon as I can make enough money for bus fare back to New York.”

  110. Uncle Lumpy
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    I misread the post title, “If Crankshaft’s ass-mouth …”, and then realized: Crankshaft is Marvin, inverted.

  111. demoncat4
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    mw toms wink to beth is saying sea food is okay for it will also have some meat snuck in to it.

  112. Zerowolf
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    JP: I admit I never really followed JP for the plots, but has JP Sr. always been this much of a thin skinned raging asshole? Or is this a behind the scenes look at Brooke McEldowney’s temper tantrums over comments left by GoComics readers?

  113. seismic-2
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#112): This behavior is new. I wonder whether it is intended as a way to get readers to dislike him, so they will not be unhappy if he is soon written out of the strip. Maybe he will get bumped off by rogue CIA agents in the Mexican jungle?

  114. Ratiocinator
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#112): No and yes, respectively.

    I honestly cannot remember seeing a JP strip where Alan got angry about anything before now.

  115. Zerowolf
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: That alley looks like a vacant lot. I guess when the words don’t match the pictures it’s called writing.

  116. Zerowolf
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    FC: Knowing her career options on the Keene Kompound are limited, Dolly gets an early start on being a dumpster diving wino.

  117. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#106): Sounds like something you’d wear while your much older date asked you to pose for his “comic strip” about “teen life.”

  118. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#117): Why I don’t know who you could be referring to. *wink*

  119. Zerowolf
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    A3G: The only way LuAnn could have pulled that one off is if Margo is just off the panel holding up cue cards.

  120. Zerowolf
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#113): Aging, sudden change in personality… hmmm. Wonder if we are heading for a Very Special Episode of Judge Parker has Early Onset Dementia?

  121. Cloudbuster
    June 22nd, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#13): I’ve experienced both. Actually, I’ve also experienced the way the U.S. used to do things compared to the way they do it now.

    In all cases except Southwest Airlines in the U.S., which, ironically, has the fastest boarding of any airline I’ve ever flown, there are assigned seats. Apparently, when you don’t have an assigned seat, people don’t waste time mucking around. They pick the best seat they can get as fast as they can claim it. This results in mostly window-and-aisle-first, front-first boarding, but everyone moves pretty fast. People want to move back as fast as possible to grab the coveted windows and aisles. Nobody wants to get stuck in a middle seat!

    The deal is that in different places and different airlines, they purport to have methods to get everyone to their assigned seats as quickly as possible.

    In the old days in the U.S., this meant boarding by groups of rows, starting at the back. The theory being that if you load the back people first, you don’t have a lot of people up in the front messing with their overhead bags, making everyone who sits farther back wait on them. That method worked pretty well.

    Now, contrary to Crankshaft, the “zone” or “group” boarding methods most U.S. airlines use are definitely not by row. They seem to be a system of patronage (First Class, Gold, Silver, Platinum, handicapped, traveling with small children) and pretty much everyone is loading all over the freaking place: if you got some crappy last-minute economy seat way in the back, you can pretty much guarantee you’ll be boarding last, as well, unless you’re high up in their frequent flyer program. As one might expect, boarding times have actually deteriorated since the board-by-rows days. I don’t know why they don’t care.

    In Malaysia and Brazil, there’s just a big every-man-for-himself mob for the plane that roughly resolves into a line. Japan, U.K. and most European countries were pretty orderly last time I was through, but everyone seemed to get boarded pretty quick in all those cases. East Asians and Brazilians have no concept of personal space and they will frickin’ shove you out of the way to get boarded first (still not as bad as Japanese subways)! But boarding is still faster than the U.S.!

    What’s funny is international flights from the U.S. where most of the passengers are from the destination country that does free-for-all boarding. They’ll mob up for their free-for-all, and then, even though groups are being called, pretty much do nothing to get out of the way of the people behind them with the called group. You just gotta work your way through.

  122. bbofun
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#75), @Zemto (#86): So you’re saying that if Brooke drew Edda’s vagina, it would look like a sarlacc?

    Seems about right.

    (Two notes: 1)Obviously, I mean “drew Edda’s vagina for publication”, as I have to assume he has plenty of those drawings in his private collection; and B) My spell check recognizes “sarlacc.”)

  123. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#91): … wouldn’t most normal people (so of course this excludes Tom, and most everyone at Charterstone) say “I’m in the mood for ribs” or “I’m in the mood for steak,” rather than generic meat?

    I think so. That’s what’s always bugged me about commercial “meat flavored” spaghetti sauces. When you look at the label, it always means beef. So why don’t they say so?

    // I keep hoping to find “albatross” or “marmot” or “zebu”, for a change, but no luck. I guess it leaves the food companies with the option, if they ever need it. @Nehemiah Scudder (#123):

  124. Droopy Says
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    Now we know how Judge Parker takes it when someone gets all judgmental on his ass. Just wait until he finds he can’t cite a critic for contempt of court.

  125. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker has a so-far undiagnosed brain tumor that will be discovered by the doctor at the jungle cancer clinic after the judge pitches a Captian Queeg style fit about missing ice cream. The judge will insist on foregoing anesthetic so he can continue reading bad reviews of his book “These reviews were written by half brained people, I can certainly read them with half a brain!”

    In the meantime, his wife runs away with one of the assassins, who will be played by James Gandolfini in cuddly mode

  126. commodorejohn
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    Wait, seafood isn’t meat? Is Tom Catholic?

  127. Northern lurker
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    JP: is the thin skinned judge going through a change of life? Isn’t Katherine his trophy wife? So that means he needs to buy a Porsche?

  128. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#123): then again, some folks really aren’t to fussy as to what’s in their meat, as long as it’s…well…meat.

  129. Alison
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: What a relief! Beth, Tom, and Elinor pass the “Seafood test”. This is how it’s determined you are allowed to exist in the MW universe. If you don’t like seafood, you’re done, because it’s Mary’s favorite (as evidenced by the fact she’s been shown making salmon squares roughly five hundred times).

    “Crankshaft”: Okay, I know all the people in this strip are wimps who won’t stand up to an elderly man no matter how rude he’s being, but there is NO WAY airport security would take his crap, elderly or not. This is just ridiculous. I bet tomorrow Crankshaft will be hassling the pilot and still no one will say a word. Hell, he could probably shout, “I’m smuggling drugs in my suitcase!” and everybody would just glare at him and then let it go.

    “Luann”: Congrats, Luann, you have just made sure your parents will not let you and Quill have one second alone for the rest of your visit.

  130. John C Fremont
    June 22nd, 2013 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#88): Priscilla Parsley got her career started on that Tuna Twist commercial from the seventies. Fitting, too, because I was in the mood for meat, but…

  131. old goat
    June 22nd, 2013 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#125): Strawberries. Who took the strawberries?

  132. Red Greenback
    June 22nd, 2013 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    Mmm… Giellacally engineered seafood.

  133. gbeenie
    June 22nd, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    MW: Sorry, Elinor, but seafood just doesn’t keep that well; certainly not for the several hours you’re all about to spend down at Charterstone Memorial Hospital, figuring out just why Tom suddenly came down with a case of Bell’s Palsy.

  134. Helen Clark
    June 22nd, 2013 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    Do you see that wink, Elinor—well, do you? That’s a goddam “let’s indulge the old lady” wink that Tom’s giving your daughter. It’s one short step from a wink to a goddam “let’s get the old bag into a nursing home so I can eat whatever the hell I want.”

    I’m telling you, Elinor–you have to ((hic)) take a stand. Hell, I’ll even lend you my shotgun.

    Where is my shotgun? Jesus H. Christ–Maria, did you hide my shotgun again? Goddammit!

  135. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#130): Don Draper and company missed the boat by not hiring Chubby Checker to sing the “Tuna Twist” jingle.

  136. Master Mahan
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    Tom is desperately flaunting his bisexuality in a vain attempt to seem interesting. Sorry, Tom – even by Charterstone standards, you make dry toast thrilling.

  137. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#93): “Wonga Bonga” used to be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ catch phrase until it was replaced by the more melodious “cowabunga.”

  138. Violet
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    ASM: Farewell, Tarantula’s sister; we hardly knew ye.

  139. Liam
    June 22nd, 2013 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Here’s hoping the old bat chokes on a fish bone.”

    MW 2-Elinor wants seafood but does she love asparagus now.

  140. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    @Helen Clark (#134):
    Nah.
    If this Elinor, Beth and Tom situation plays out like I hope it will play out. If this situation is so horrific (funny) that it results in a play is written about it, they will call it “Carsick, Glitch and Aldo’s Place”.

  141. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$$$
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft- and just like that Crankshaft is put on the federal “no-fly” list.

  142. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#128): Excellent! That was a Phantom tiger from the last arc, right? I should have saved a couple of those.

  143. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#128): I recall the tale of the poor tester at Kelloggs. It was a job, of course. No doubt he was grateful to have it. He wanted to test food. It seemed like a useful occupation, benefiting humanity. But he, poor soul, never got food; all they gave him was “product”. First there was Product 1, of which the less said, the better. Then Product 2, then 3, then 4. He was nearly insane by the time the got to Product 17. By Product 18 he was addicted to drugs, his wife had left him. When they offered him the next iteration, he screamed, “YES yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. ”

    And so that’s what they went with. He never did get any food.

  144. Sgt. Stoned
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    MT: Another reason is that unless you can come up with some documentation for those accusations besides “Eddie says so”, Big Mike will sue the ass off your paper and win!

    MW: It’s salmon squares all around. Invite Mary!

    DTM: Dennis experimenting with drone warfare in the neighborhood. Now, that truly is menacing!

  145. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 22nd, 2013 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#121): In my experience, zone boarding works about as well as row boarding, with one caveat: if the other people on your flight are lazy gits who dump their carry-ons in the first bins they come to, instead of carrying them back to the ones nearest their seats, it becomes a nightmare. There’s nothing like realizing that even though you’re in row ten, the only open bins are back around row 30, meaning you have to squeeze your way back there before you can take your seat, and again when deplaning. Makes me irritable, that does.

  146. Calico
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#114):
    Perhaps the reviewer is an ex JP gf?
    If only…

  147. popamatic
    June 22nd, 2013 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    Rex M, MD: Wait, I thought the blonde woman in today’s strip was with Sarah at the museum. ??? So it looks like there are two young blonde ladies in this strip? I honestly never knew that.

  148. Droopy Says
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    The Impoverished Spiderman: Sure, sponge off your wife, Parker. It’s not like you could con your boss into turning this into a business trip. Oh, and don’t forget your camera, Parker, and your passport, and by the way do you speak Spanish? Donde es el remoto controlo, senor?

    FW: Is that supposed to be Summer’s mental image of the rape? Is that her O face as she thinks about how her calm, detached mother helped poor Frankie overcome his low self-esteem?

    Family Circus: That’s a good idea, Thel, seeing as Billy just vanished. Maybe you can lose the entire set!

    Judge Pissyface: The critic has the worst possible credentials: she read the book.

  149. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    MaryWorth

    Ah-Ha! Elinor isn’t the dad dressed like the dead mom to convince the daughter to become a man hater!

    It turns out she is (drumroll……………………………….)

    Barbara Billingsly, jive talker, shape shifter and illness faker!

  150. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    For a while I thought I had become a fan of The Amazing Spider-Man.
    It turns out it was just a nightmare I had after reading a Kafka story. Waking up made all the difference.

    Go figure.

  151. seismic-2
    June 22nd, 2013 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#150): The strip would be so much better if Peter had been bitten by a radioactive cockroach.

  152. Droopy Says
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    FW This panel will put Batiuk in Pulitzer territory, all right, as in “Tom Batiuk, the target of a Pulitzer-Prize winning expose.”

  153. tallyHO
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smif Ah! A roaring fire in the fireplace on the second longest day of the year, in the Northern Hemisphere.
    That explains Snuffy’s long Summer’s nap. He’s jus’ plum tuckered out from the changin’ o’ the seasons!

    Funkity Winkersaywhat?

    I don’t know why I did it but I did read it.
    I thought Batuik has an aversion to “funny”. Instead he makes the strip deliver wit and weal wife to his weaders, wight?

    Whatevers!

    He gives Alex Toth a “tip of the funny felt tip”…sigh….I could go for the easy joke that involves him not referring to a drawing pen….but I won’t.

    Mimicking Toth? Really?
    And, here you have an installment about “Girls’ Romance” and you insist on depicting what looks like a young boy reading the diary. There are still little things that the typical tomboy has that make them feminine. As an artist, you should know that, Batuiky.

    Oh who am I kidding. He probably aped an actual Toth cover or panel for that. That alone should bum me out. And, to think this comment will arrive to Bats via messenger pigeon…whatevs.

    Family Circus Jeffy probably already has his pockets filled to the brim with loot. Next stop: Bouncing-Off-Of-Wallsville!

  154. commodorejohn
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#153): At least Batiuk remembered to give her breasts this time…

  155. tallyHO
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#151):

    Oh. To me he will forevermore be the La Cuckoo Hombre! So, bitten by a roach, a spider or himself, he is just not that effective as a super-powered biped.

    //as opposed to whatever super-powered creature Marmaduke is…I’m not sure if Marmaduke is “effective” at his “gifts” (a.k.a, the strips’ residents’ Curse). Marmaduke is a sheer force of Nature. Devastating Day-by-Day!

  156. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    9CL: Putting on a bikini prior to getting dressed, and walking down to the lake afterward, then proceeding to go swimming, does not in any way indicate “spontaneity”, however gleeful an expression you assume while stripping down prior to leaping in.

  157. tallyHO
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#154):

    I will admit that I did notice this fact. However, I’m not advocating making her easier on the eyes as much as I’m saying it is easy to make her eyes look more like those of a girl, without applying inch long eyelashes.

    Believe me, I grew up with one or two girls–eventual women– who it could be said look similar to Summer (that’s her name,right?).

    I’m saying her look is close that of a stereotyped tomgirl. (written without painting a picture I can’t be certain about like where she’s at in life).

    But, even those I knew were girls/young women. You could see it without looking too hard. If Batty is into reality-based* comics, doing it better would be a start.

    * and I totally get that on one of two possible meanings, one of two heavy-handed meanings.

  158. tallyHO
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff

    Ah! Now it all makes sens….Waitasecond. So, the cat is not just a pitcher/outfielder but he’s also a manager? No that doesn’t makes sense and isn’t that funny.

    However, the reason why he chews sunflower seeds is kind of weird and kind of funny.

    Herbert and the Giant Jammie Dodger

    Herb’s head is in every panel and isn’t cut off at the—how do I put this delicately?

    At the bottom of the O-Face line?

  159. commodorejohn
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#157): Oh, indeed; I’m certainly not disputing your point. Hell, I’ve known men who look more like “tomboys” than Summer does.

  160. tallyHO
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#154):

    And, I don’t mean to say that you were saying: pretty-her up.
    But, cleavage is an easy indicator that she might be a she (there’s no guarantee…but it is helpful to define a character with attributes, if it applies to that character. )

    No offense meant in the previous reply.

    I”m lukewarm on apologizing for all other comments I’ve made in the past day though. Jus’ Sayin’ I know they could go either way: making peopel shout battle cries or just making people cry or make them just cry foul!

  161. tallyHO
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#159):

    You, sir, make a good point. I should have previewed to see it earlier!

    Yup. That’s a mighty fine point!

  162. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    June 23rd, 2013 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    FW: I guess the abrupt change in the narrative from “tonight after the game” to “That night with Frankie” is supposed to show the trauma inflicted on poor dead Saint Lisa. Either that or it’s just bad writing.

  163. Another Kiwi
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    Well played Tom, you have put manoeuvred Elinor on the Dinner Gambit. let’s see how you go on the “What color plates shall we use?” and “Where shall we sit at the table”.
    Yes it’s going to be a long marriage, all right. You’ll look back on the time when all you had was the uncontrollable eye tic, with nostalgic longing.

    With the Crankshaft, I don’t even, ATKS. “Zone” joke? Did they leave off a couple of panels by mistake?

  164. Droopy Says
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#157): Today’s Scary Gary has a Creature From The Black Lagoon that looks more feminine than Summer.

    I don’t know what Batiuk could do to make Summer look more like a girl, but I do know what he can do to make her more like a person: lose the fucking hoodie. It’s dumber than the football helmet that Doonesbury’s BD had welded to his head.

  165. Another Kiwi
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    Maybe Crankshaft is going all Mark Trail on it and will have a series of strips explaining How Things Work. Next up “How is Airline Food Kept Warm?” Someone is going to punch the Crankmeister out, aren’t they?

  166. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Those birds must have been fun to draw!

  167. tallyHO
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#164):

    Good comparison. The helmet was a sign of craziness (or something else) and there was no fashion trend associated with it. Hoodies. Lots of kids, and people in general, wear hoodies.

    I guess I should look at the funny way to look at it: the Peanuts characters were variations of the same designs. There were facial and hair differences and tweaks on the shapes of their heads. But, they each are distinctive. Maybe TomBat didn’t feel the need to flesh out the character visually. Which seems odd because while they all look related to each other, he’s had years to develop their quirks, if he wants to identify some with their clothing choices.

    //like any of this matters. whatevs.

  168. Droopy Says
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#167): What’s wrong with the hoodie here is that the kid is sitting on her bed, apparently ready to go to bed, and it’s summer. The visual message I get is “Summer is a jock, and nothing but a jock.” Just like BD used to be nothing but a political viewpoint (and while I generally agreed with Trudeau’s dislike of BD’s positions, I thought that the visual cue weakened whatever statements Trudeau made about his positions).

    I suppose it doesn’t matter much, because it’s just a sub-mediocre strip by a washed-up cartoonist. But it’s turning a grim topic into a joke. And if we’re supposed to care about the story, and how Summer Moore feels, she needed to have a personality before this arc began. But why do that when we can get more lame jokes about band turkeys, bored students and the exciting life of Crazy Harry?

  169. Mr O'Malley
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#121): Extensive studies have shown that the most effective boarding system would be a zoned system where seats are allocated to zones randomly. Basically this would mean that the people trying to shove huge carryon bags into overhead bins where they don’t fit would be evenly distributed throughout the aisle instead of clumping in one area. However airlines are wedded to their preferential boarding system and probably the customers are too cranky to accept a random system.

  170. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    June 23rd, 2013 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    “Frankie and I did it three times that night in his van. When Frankie couldn’t get it up for a fourth go-round, I guess I taunted him too much, saying that the Westview football players weren’t such wimps. He was so embarrassed he threatened to hit me, just to shut me up. That’s when those two Fairgood do-gooders showed up, to “rescue” me. I needed the ride, so I went with them, but my God, what losers! The wife even tried to convince me that I should go out with a nice boy, and she used that awful Les Moore as the example! Jesus! I’d rather die of cancer!”

  171. Mr O'Malley
    June 23rd, 2013 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#123): On Chinese menus, the character for meat is typically used by itself to mean pork. But beef is usually written as two characters, like cow meat. Same thing with lamb, sheep meat.

    Except in Chinese Muslim restaurants where the meat character by itself usually means lamb.

    Chicken and various kinds of seafood have different characters.

    I would try to paste in the characters to illustrate my point but I just know it won’t work. However there is a website where you can learn Chinese by reading menus:
    http://kake.dreamwidth.org/22362.html

  172. walt d.
    June 23rd, 2013 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    FW: Boy, that’s a relief. I thought we were going to have a serious presentation of “some coercion involved” sexual activity. Instead ol’ Tom drop-kicked that sucker into the stands. Good job, Tom.

    FW: In the end, Tom wins, of course, on the grounds of “If you’re so smart how come you don’t have a syndicated cartoon to express your views.” Aside from people like us, the rare person who remembers the story at all will only remember the general idea (whatever that turns out to be), not how badly it was executed.

  173. Gerry
    June 23rd, 2013 at 4:29 am [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure Stanley is feeding most of his crisps to the cat. At least the cat looks happy. Albeit fat.

    As for Crankshaft, that wasn’t even funny, just kind of educational, like some Mark Trail strips.

  174. Liam
    June 23rd, 2013 at 5:24 am [Reply]

    A3G-I want to see Lu Ann shut this woman up by telling her that Lu Ann’s husband also fought in the war and died.

  175. Liam
    June 23rd, 2013 at 5:34 am [Reply]

    Archie-Archie has the right idea. I would rather watch Betty and Veronica work out too and then watch them in the shower afterwards.

  176. CanuckDownSouth
    June 23rd, 2013 at 6:38 am [Reply]

    MW: Tom is finally “home”, his first marriage having failed due to a lack of cranky domineering in-laws to supply the familiar dysfunctional home life of his childhood.

    ; I seriously can’t imagine what else could explain this

  177. gleeb
    June 23rd, 2013 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    Ratiocinatin’ Fox: How do they know it was one of these cars? Did the burglar send a taunting letter to the police chief?

    Prince Valiant: Arn’s been hittin’ the sauce a little hard lately.

    3-G: Look at that fist-shaking action! Marty’s angry that her dad couldn’t make it. Or maybe she’s angry at being on time as it means she has to endure more Lu Ann.

    ‘shaft: I take it Ed was tossed out of the airport and, possibly, the airplane.

    ‘bean: I tilted my head for that unrealistic prose? And what high expectations did not-yet-deadmom have about a van parked in a dark alley? Remember, this is a character who, later on, is supposed to have passed the Ohio bar exam.

    H&L: The creative team send a shout-out to the 37-year-old hit The Bad News Bears, proving they have a finger firmly on the pulse of contemporary popular culture.

    Phantom: The Ghost-Who-Gets-Talked -into-Things is going up against the cast of Apartment 3-G! Look out, Kit; Margo does not take prisoners.

  178. Wanion
    June 25th, 2013 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Tom doesn’t understand protein.

    Crankshaft: Crankshaft is so poor he can only afford flights with eight rows.

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