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Metapost: Comedic comments of the week

Your comment of the week in a moment, but first — I must tell you (actually, I should have told you earlier) that I will be doing standup comedy in Baltimore, tonight! Gratuitous picture of me with a microphone:

I’ll be at the Yellow Sign theater (right across the street from the Charles in Station North), and am on a bill with a lot of other very funny local comics. Doors at 8, show at 8:30, tickets are $5, show should be done by 10, you should come if you’re in the area! Here are the details, and here is the Facebook event, if you like those. The venue is literally half a block from Penn Station, if you’re in the DC area but don’t feel like driving — but if you can’t be bothered, I’ll also be doing a show in Arlington on July 16. Details on that are also here, so mark your calendars today.

With that shameless self-promotion out of the way, here … is your comment of the week:

“People have said, ‘Sir!! That’s not the lavatory!!’ to Crankshaft so many times at this point that the words have lost all meaning.” –Doctor Handsome

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Look at the cracked plaster in Spidey’s hotel room. Business can’t be very good, possibly because guests keep toppling out of shin-high adult-male-sized open windows before paying their bills.” –Daniel

“I would think in a publisher’s trade journal they would be more interested in sales and marketing than whether the content is any good. Same as in a food industry journal they would tell you how revenue at Golden Corral is up 3% in Pluggerville since they started the Do You Know This Chicken? promotion.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I had really just assumed that Heathcliff had gathered up all the ham in the butcher shop and somehow shaped it into a weirdly-shaped hat with his cat paws. I mean, it’s not really a ‘joke’ so much as some very practical advice the butcher’s doling out here: ‘No seriously, all the ham is full of cat hair now. I don’t recommend it.’” –Revenge of Chesnut

“If only Peter knew someone whose job is to fight crime. Oh well, this brick isn’t gonna hit itself in the back of his head.” –Dan

“Why is it so hard for people to grasp: I read it because I hate it. It’s not like I don’t care about it or something. I’ve got Dilbert for that.” –Uncle Lumpy

“While Beth is worshipping at the shrine of the One and Holy Mary, the jerk-off gesture she’s doing speaks to a certain lack of sincerity.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Personally, I tend to think that knowing that the chickens they’ve killed and eaten are more ensouled than they are will amuse and empower the Hootin’ Holler folk more than anything else. ‘Ha!’ Weezy says. ‘I am the Fate who cuts short the thread of these chickens’ lives with my dull, dull blade!’ (Or that’s approximately what she’s thinking; what she actually says out loud is something like ‘Don’t that beat all.’)” –Lily Sincere


“I want to pick up a copy of that Book Day to read more about what I hope is Poppin’ Fresh’s autobiography.” –sporknpork

“By cracky, it’s codgerin’ time!” –Dood

“This bad review could cost me upwards of $26 in royalties! Do you know how much that adds up to compounded annually over the life of an amortized investment? I do, because I’m rich!” –Esther Blodgett

WUD should be WWUD, the acronym for What Would U Do? Apparently this guy’s answer is ‘instantly resort to extreme violence.’” –hogenmogen

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