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Metapost: Comedic comments of the week

Your comment of the week in a moment, but first — I must tell you (actually, I should have told you earlier) that I will be doing standup comedy in Baltimore, tonight! Gratuitous picture of me with a microphone:

I’ll be at the Yellow Sign theater (right across the street from the Charles in Station North), and am on a bill with a lot of other very funny local comics. Doors at 8, show at 8:30, tickets are $5, show should be done by 10, you should come if you’re in the area! Here are the details, and here is the Facebook event, if you like those. The venue is literally half a block from Penn Station, if you’re in the DC area but don’t feel like driving — but if you can’t be bothered, I’ll also be doing a show in Arlington on July 16. Details on that are also here, so mark your calendars today.

With that shameless self-promotion out of the way, here … is your comment of the week:

“People have said, ‘Sir!! That’s not the lavatory!!’ to Crankshaft so many times at this point that the words have lost all meaning.” –Doctor Handsome

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Look at the cracked plaster in Spidey’s hotel room. Business can’t be very good, possibly because guests keep toppling out of shin-high adult-male-sized open windows before paying their bills.” –Daniel

“I would think in a publisher’s trade journal they would be more interested in sales and marketing than whether the content is any good. Same as in a food industry journal they would tell you how revenue at Golden Corral is up 3% in Pluggerville since they started the Do You Know This Chicken? promotion.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I had really just assumed that Heathcliff had gathered up all the ham in the butcher shop and somehow shaped it into a weirdly-shaped hat with his cat paws. I mean, it’s not really a ‘joke’ so much as some very practical advice the butcher’s doling out here: ‘No seriously, all the ham is full of cat hair now. I don’t recommend it.’” –Revenge of Chesnut

“If only Peter knew someone whose job is to fight crime. Oh well, this brick isn’t gonna hit itself in the back of his head.” –Dan

“Why is it so hard for people to grasp: I read it because I hate it. It’s not like I don’t care about it or something. I’ve got Dilbert for that.” –Uncle Lumpy

“While Beth is worshipping at the shrine of the One and Holy Mary, the jerk-off gesture she’s doing speaks to a certain lack of sincerity.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Personally, I tend to think that knowing that the chickens they’ve killed and eaten are more ensouled than they are will amuse and empower the Hootin’ Holler folk more than anything else. ‘Ha!’ Weezy says. ‘I am the Fate who cuts short the thread of these chickens’ lives with my dull, dull blade!’ (Or that’s approximately what she’s thinking; what she actually says out loud is something like ‘Don’t that beat all.’)” –Lily Sincere

SPAKE HIZZONER: HERSHEY’S A GONER” –Walker of Dog

“I want to pick up a copy of that Book Day to read more about what I hope is Poppin’ Fresh’s autobiography.” –sporknpork

“By cracky, it’s codgerin’ time!” –Dood

“This bad review could cost me upwards of $26 in royalties! Do you know how much that adds up to compounded annually over the life of an amortized investment? I do, because I’m rich!” –Esther Blodgett

WUD should be WWUD, the acronym for What Would U Do? Apparently this guy’s answer is ‘instantly resort to extreme violence.’” –hogenmogen

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

109 responses to “Metapost: Comedic comments of the week”

  1. Shrug
    June 28th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Congratulations to all of the Float riders! Throw feline ham hats!

  2. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    To the lavatory wi’ ye, Dr Handsome! To the lavatory wi’ ye!

  3. seismic-2
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Congrats, Dr. Handsome. The instant I read your post, I knew we would be seeing your atop the blogs all next week.

  4. Esther Blodgett
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    I second what seismic-2 said!

  5. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#Y67): Jughead the priest?

    All these years I thought he was wearing an inverted fedora — it’s actually a biretta!

    // “…at the present day birettas vary considerably in shape. Those worn by the French, German, and Spanish clergy as a rule have four peaks instead of three.”
    Catholic Encyclopedia

  6. pugfuggly
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    A most deserving float winner! Congrats to all.

    @Chortling Shrug (y#86):

    Tusen takk for the compliment. I may be a canadian (and certainly not the writer of Agnes), but I actually spent a semester abroad in Aas at the Agricultural College many moons ago. During my stay I came to appreciate the wickedly dark sense of humour norweigens have, and how easy it is to miss if you’re not paying attention, since most jokes are delivered pretty deadpan.

    The only time a ever saw really raucous laughter in the dorm was the night that we were having a party and the power went off. A guy sitting next to me reached for his beer in the dark and instead picked up the communal ‘snuss’ disposal bottle. You can guess what happened next.

  7. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    A tip of the Jugheadish biretta to all the refulgent floaters!

    *@Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#Y49): 9CL – Is a tale told by an idiot, full of Sveth and Fleurrie, signifying nothing.

    If I had a float, that would ride!

  8. bbofun
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Dandnabbit! Got post-jumped! Oh, well- I pretty much just gloated at calling both FW and GT, then got depressed over knowing what Batiuk would do. That’s it.

  9. Doctor Handsome
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    I are the champions, my friend!
    As always, many thanks to Josh, my fellow curmudgeons, Margo Magee, and the good people at the Jim Beam bourbon distillery.
    Big ups to Dan and Uncle Lumpy this week.
    And it’s Doctor not Dr. ya bastards!
    DEAD LISA SUCKS COCKS IN HELL.

  10. UncleJeff
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Gee, Josh…why so sad?
    That ‘knock knock’ joke killed ‘em at that murder trial in Florida.

  11. Lily Sincere
    June 28th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#1):

    Sorry, man, I’m fresh out of feline ham hats and I think Revenge of Chestnut has the proprietary rights to making more. I did get a brochure from Marmaduke promoting his own line of “various cured meats berets” but since it’s Marmaduke, the vagueness of the term “various cured meats” kind of alarms me.

  12. bfwebster
    June 28th, 2013 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    There’s a famous Gahan Wilson (I think Wilson did it) cartoon from 40-50 years ago, showing the bathroom fixture area (tubs, etc.) of a department store. A rather crotchety-looking old lady is sitting down on something — a half-height partition keeps us from seeing what it is — and a frantic-looking store clerk is saying, “No, madam, these units are for display purposes only!”

  13. Baka Gaijin
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    A big wagonful of good snark today! Congrats to all.

  14. Poteet
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Tossed flowers to Doctor Handsome for his chortle-causing CRANKSHAFT comment, and huzzahs for the other riders of the float! The asterisk this week goes to Uncle Lumpy.

  15. Poteet
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    FW — Didn’t Frankie’s buddy have darker skin a couple of weeks ago? Never mind, on-and-off skin pigment makes as much sense as anything else in this story.

  16. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#15): different tribes of color-monkeys. He’s brown on some sites, and white on others.

  17. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

  18. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#y98): be sure to check out the improved version, above!!!

    and you’re welcome about the bagpipe vid. There’s a set of RenFest performers that do ‘eavy metal bagpipe covers, and they rock. (no fire, however.)

    (Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” on pipes is seriously eerie.)

  19. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#17): Incredibly groovy!

    // No wonder Phantom 19 was confused. Count Weirdly’s holodeck is a bewildering place.

  20. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    June 28th, 2013 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    I believe the newspaper caption for that photo would have to include the words “Joshua Fruhlinger (left)”.

  21. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to Doctor Handsome and the Dashing, Touchy Feely Floaters!

  22. Pinewood Tom
    June 28th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    Using my trusty ouija board, I’ve sent belated birthday wishes to Aldo Kelrast impersonator Bob Keeshan (b. June 27,1927).

    Also: Congrats to Doctor Handsome and his fellow floaters!

  23. Poteet
    June 28th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    MT — Apparently LoFo is so chock-a-block with trophy deer that they can be ordered up like pizzas. I’m impressed.

  24. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 28th, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to the floaters!

  25. Poteet
    June 28th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    LUANN — Quill, if you don’t want your arm held by Tiffany, you can remove her hand, remove your arm, or tell her to keep her hands to herself. No need to suffer in silence.

  26. cheech wizard
    June 28th, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    MT – You can get trophy deer mounts at a garage sale. Why would any big-game client pay a thousand bucks for a dead deer dropped at his feet? It’s not the trophy they’re after; they wanna shoot the damn thing. The trophy is just a memento. It’s like if you paid for a trip to Disney World that fell through, and the travel agent offers to get you the t-shirt for another forty bucks.

  27. Balinda Bovine
    June 28th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Flight Attendant: “SIRI! That’s not the lavatory!”

    Siri: “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”

  28. seismic-2
    June 28th, 2013 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#26): Remember, in LoFo there’s a booming business in selling “trophy” bighorn sheep that someone else has shot, from an airplane. Yeah, they’re a bit ratty looking by the time they’ve been retrieved a couple of weeks later, but it’s nothing that a fine taxidermy / dry cleaning establishment can’t handle. Order one for your rec room now!

  29. TheDiva
    June 28th, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#25): Now now, Poteet, you know that expressing a desire is something only evil trampslutwhores do in the Luannverse.

  30. Dale
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#23):

    MARK TRAIL

    I was thinking that Mike should keep a number of mounted trophies on hand rather than count on getting one at the last minute.

    For $1000, does the customer get something ready to hang on the wall or just a dead animal?

    In the “hospitality industry”, don’t they call paying customers “guests”?

  31. Dale
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#26):

    MARK TRAIL

    Shoot the thing or be able to say, “I shot it”?
    To avoid any moral qualms, Baker will have to be very carefull of how he describes his “trophy”.

  32. Uncle Lumpy
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#31):

    Baker will put a slug in the carcass and remove any ambiguity. Morally fastidious and badass — that’s just how Baker rolls.

  33. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#30): re MT: A lot good a mounted head would do me… I want deer sausage when I go hunting!

  34. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    Submitted for your consideration: The Attack of the Bayleigh Daleks!

  35. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#26): It’s like if you paid for a trip to Disney World that fell through, and the travel agent offers to get you the t-shirt for another forty bucks.

    Well, maybe if she tossed in a nice two-pointer Micky Mouse cap. Something to mount on one’s head.

    // Nah, that’s just Goofy!

  36. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#23): Apparently LoFo is so chock-a-block with trophy deer that they can be ordered up like pizzas. I’m impressed.

    Could I have mine with extra cheese and black olives?

  37. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    Waitasecond! Hold the phone! Shoot the Breeze! Ban the bums!

    Wasn’t this Mark Trail storyline about otters and how they are clumsy so and so’s who always get caught in traps?

    Wasn’t it contrasting otters to the wonderful feats of Harry Houdini?

    Poachers? Poachers?

    I tell you what Elrod and sons: you can keep your poachers! All you give us is poachers, or pot smokers or kidnappers or misunderstood goofballs who aim to high at their respective prizes. Enough, I say!

    Give us something, anything other than poachers!

    Howzabout Poochers? Howzabout Mark Trail teaming up with some Pluggers as Mark grapples with the ethical dilemmas posed by mutant chicken on mutant dog sex? How about Mark teaching Pluggers who to reconnect with their atavistic roots, for once in a friggin blue moon?

    Then have Mark do a contrasting essay on the “Divine Wonderful that is Heathcliff” and the “Phantasmic Menace that is Marmaduke”? Which one acts to benefit the world? Which one is just filling bunks down in Camp Hell?

  38. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail Versus The Pluggers

    From Mark Trail’s Diary (intended to be read aloud and to have a video/audio recording of it being read aloud, in case someone accuses me of being sexual instead of asexual.)

    After substantial observation of the dogman who copulates with the chicken lady, I am left to conclude that this dogman needs to be institutionalized. He seems aware that he has no sweat glands, yet, he wears a suit when he attends to his non-dog, non-denominational services at his local church, The First Church of Snoopy.

    I can’t help but see this dogman as a menace that is exponentially more dangerous than a near-adult Dennis Mitchell. For instance: he wears a flea collar…as jewelry. Like a sociopath he gleefully relishes “porking his chicken wife”. When asked by a co-worker if he’s ever had kinky sex and dogman replies, “You mean have I ever had Turducken? What do you think?” He says as he picks his teeth and wags his tail.

    I am afraid my reluctance to recommend him to be put into an insane asylum is simply due to causing the other patients far too much grief as a talking dogman is in their midst. For some of them, it may be even more than medication can tame.

    Friday, 27 June, 1956

  39. gleeb
    June 28th, 2013 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    Dick: Dr Sail is blowing air into a lump of bread dough.

    Doones: Trudeau got into Yale because of his family. “Most improved trier”, indeed.

    F-: Bizarre as it seems, the technology exists to provide this, and only has for a few years. Streaming video, and a person not content to watch a recording or to wait for live theater near him. It would be insanely expensive, but it is possible, and less expensive than having a private company of actors at one’s beck and call.

    Ham Shears: Don’t be so doubtful. Other Jill.

    Jane’s World: This is exactly why I think these two characters deserve each other.

  40. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#37): Those otters in the trap were not, as Mark Trail assumed, mother and pup. They were both pups from different litters, born a week or so apart. When Mark gets back to LoFo he’ll discover that they’re the offspring of mutant otters and have grown to the size of a house log cabin. Mark Trail will enter Ironyland when he calls upon the poachers to eradicate the mutants. In a slight misunderstanding, Squint McSkinny will shoot Rusty and mount his head as a trophy.

  41. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 28th, 2013 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    Muchos kudos to Doctor Handsome et al. Loved snorknpork’s Judge Parker take too.

    Meanwhile I seem to have snuck onto the float with what I’m pretty sure is my dirtiest ever COTW runner-up.

  42. Vince M
    June 28th, 2013 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    @bfwebster (#12): The National Lampoon ran a comic of a boy’s reminiscence of his grandfather, who had started losing his faculties, and toward the end was pulled off a display toilet in a hardware store window. His last bit of grandfatherly advice: “Don’t ever buy a toilet from those bastards!”

  43. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#36):

    I prefer kalamata olives myself!

  44. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#43): Those are good! My favorite is castelvetrano, though. I don’t know if I’d put ‘em on a pizza (or trophy deer) however. They’re expensive, and the tomato sauce and spices would overwhelm their flavor.

  45. Peanut Gallery
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#5):

    The one-G Jughead,
    He’s a priest.
    The two-G Jugghead,
    Craves boobs unleashed.
    And I would bet
    A comfy, snug bed
    There isn’t any
    Three-G Juggghead.

  46. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#40):

    ….Squint McSkinny will shoot Rusty and mount his head as a trophy.

    Oh, the story he will tell.

  47. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#45):
    you seem to be overlooking Judge Judd G. Ghead. The stupidest jurist on the bench.

  48. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#47):
    you seem to be overlooking Judge Jug G. Ghead. The stupidest jurist on the bench.

    //okay! alright! I busted open a jug of cornpon already!

    hiccup!

  49. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#48):

    crap! This is some good moonshine!

    Cornpone.
    Not a cornpon.

    I might use a cornpon if I spill anything. (it’s biodegradable. Just like my sense of humor!)

  50. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2013 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#45): Ah! Nice pastiche.

  51. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    The Absued Spiderman: In their own ways, both Jameson and Parker suck.

    Flaccid Limpybean: This is the way the twerp ends it.
    This is the way the twerp ends it.
    This is the way the twerp ends it:
    Not with a bang but a simper.

    Family Circus: Who knew that Melocaput nonsapiens started puberty so early? Or wanted to know?

    Mark Trail: It is a sad day when the poachers are so incompetent they’ll act on my advice.

    Phantom: Are you sure “the boy” thought he was addressing the Nineteenth Phantom? Did he use that number, or even his nickname of “Ninny”?

    Pluggers hate it when the wife’s plans force them to use indoor plumbing.

    eohS What better place for such a tasteful joke than the Paula Deen Memorial Lunch Counter?

  52. Poteet
    June 28th, 2013 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#29): I’ve tried to like Tiffany for exactly that reason. But alas, the only character I really did like was the black kitten that disappeared from the strip a few years ago.

  53. Poteet
    June 28th, 2013 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#30): What a sensible idea! Much more practical than having to haul out the illegal spotlights at the last minute. Use advance planning and mounting so you can do your poaching on YOUR schedule, dudes.

  54. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 28th, 2013 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#52): It’s interesting that for both Batiuk and McE, their best character is a mute cat, isn’t it? Now, if only we can get Evans to spend more time focusing on Puddles instead of Luann and the other human idiots…

  55. Poteet
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:03 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#54): Yes, Puddles is definitely more tolerable than the humans.

  56. Poteet
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    MT — Hmmm. It’s a graceful deer, a well-drawn deer, a nicely-racked deer, an aesthetically-pleasing deer. But is it a trophy deer? It seems to lack the thick neck and general massive studliness that I associate with trophy whitetail bucks in Iowa. The standards may be different in LoFo, or maybe it’s a mule deer.

  57. Poteet
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    MW — “I might be able to help! But first, get your fingers out of my mouth! PTUI!”

  58. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    FW: well, *this* storyline appears to be quite dead in the water. talk about anti-climactic endings (and if only Batiuk had been so anti climactic x years ago, maybe everybody would have been better off)

    JP: we think the judge is paranoid now – wait til he finds out Audrey Harrison’s minions are shadowing them on the love boat

    Rex, MD: pbbbbbttttt

    MT: it’s too early in the year for trophy-quality deer racks (though trophy racks of another sort are always in season elsewhere on the comics page)

    Heathcliff: okay, what’s up with the crescent-wrench moon in the black sky that seems to be moving in on the blue sky? Is this some sort of super-eclipse? At least it doesn’t hamper our hero’s efforts to pitch woo more successfully than sveth from ’9CL’

  59. Droopy Says
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#56): It’s a mail-order deer. They got it from Sears & Roebuck.

  60. Uncle Lumpy
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#55):

    … Puddles is definitely more tolerable than the humans.

    Emphatically not so: he is the B-wad of dogs.

  61. Huckleberry Fink
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: JP Junior needs glasses. That’s the only rational explanation for his inability to see Alpine-Hat-Hawaiian-Shirt-Man standing in the foreground. Or maybe this is Woody Wilson’s version of “The A-Team Meets Mr. Magoo”!

    ¡PLOP!

  62. Huckleberry Fink
    June 29th, 2013 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#59):

    I always serve Trader Joe’s “Two Buck Chuck” with my mail-order deer.

  63. Odie Odo
    June 29th, 2013 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man The score so far:

    Dudley Doo Rag: 0
    J. Jonah Jameson: 1

  64. Baka Gaijin
    June 29th, 2013 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: A thousand bucks and they bring home an 8-pointer? Even a Plugger wouldn’t brag about that.

  65. Odie Odo
    June 29th, 2013 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy One of Bardoll’s bullets found its mark — Diet Smith’s blow up sex doll looks like it’s completely deflated. And what’s this about the Space Coupe?

  66. Dale
    June 29th, 2013 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    When spotlighting deer for a quick profit, is it customary to wear headlamps or use the powerful lights mounted on top of the truck?

  67. Push Trot
    June 29th, 2013 at 3:36 am [Reply]

    Ziggy

    I’m uncomfortable about admitting this, but the first thought to pop inside my head when I read today’s Ziggy was, “if only the car had fallen on a mechanic, then Ziggy might have gotten the chair.”

    Way to ruin my birthday, you pantsless freak.

  68. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 29th, 2013 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#62): I splurge for the Popov for MY mail-order dear.

  69. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
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    @Huckleberry Fink (#62):

    So you don’t spring for the three buck chuck?

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