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Animals rising

Slylock Fox, 7/30/13

Longtime readers know that I’m intensely interested in the moment in the Slylockverse’s history when the animals achieved sentience and rose up to overthrow their human oppressors. While I’ve speculated that there’s a rational, scientific explanation for the beastocracy, I’m also open to the idea that one day the animals simply awoke and, with the intelligence gap closed, overwhelmed humanity with sheer numbers. Today’s Six Differences strip hints at this possibility. “Wait a minute,” the big long-neck bird suddenly realized with perfect clarity. “I don’t have to sit around waiting for what crumbs this guy is going to bestow upon me. I can just yank the whole bag out of his lap and have it all for myself. See ya, chump!” As the man watches the bird walk off in blank terror, the other birds, only a few seconds behind in their emergence into sentience, begin to descend.

Heathcliff, 7/30/13

Speaking of terrifying animal scenarios, Heathcliff is usually the king of sang-froid, and I think this is the first I’ve seen him in a state of genuine panic. And well should he be! The prospect of dogs gaining the power of flight thanks to magic urine-powered hoverpads ought to terrify everybody.

348 responses to “Animals rising”

  1. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    I’ve been too busy to follow all the posts (which means I’ve been *really* busy) so – am I the first person to assume that drug pilot is the grandchild or something of ghost boy? Think about it. Phantom granddad saves ghost boy’s life, ghost boy’s grandson goes bad and threatens Phantom grandson somehow, ghost boy comes back from “Over There” to return the favor. Either that, or Mandrake was gesturing hypnotically.
    Meanwhile, in Curtis, Barry is just crying out for a good pantsing, isn’t he?

  2. Voshkod
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Flying magic wee-wee pads.

    Flying magic wee-wee pads?

    Flying magic wee-wee pads!

    Who switched the captions between Heathcliff and Zippy the Pinhead?

  3. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#1): Ha ha, would it have helped for me to say I was talking about The Phantom.

  4. nescio
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    SF: Even in the nightmare scenario where animals gain sentience and rise up against the humans, there’s still a place to buy bread crumbs in bulk.

  5. pugfuggly
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Uh, guys? I think Heathcliff is just trolling us now.

    There so much that doesn’t make sense about this strip, but I think it’s the little things that push it over the edge. Like the fact that Owner-Boy seems to be so very angry about magic urine-powered dog carpets being on sale. Or the fact that the dog and his wee-wee pad seem to have just flown right through a solid door. Or anything in there, really. What the hell?

  6. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#2): You know you’re a Plugger if you trained your dog on NEWSPAPER not those goldurn ‘wee-wee pads’.
    //Pay good money for something a dog’s going to piddle on, what’s the world coming to, consarn it.

  7. Christopher
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: The true selling point of this comic is the angry child’s reaction. “Flying magic wee-wee pads? Damn, I wish I could urinate in public like dogs. Then I could fly too. Wait…what’s stopping me?” We can be grateful Heathcliff isn’t a multi-panel strip.

  8. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    @nescio (#4): Spoken like a man who has never wondered where the stuffing in the turkey came from.
    //of course you can buy bread crumbs in bulk.

  9. Ratiocinator
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Slylock: In addition to finding the six differences today, try to guess which Hitchcock classic Bob was watching before drawing this strip.

    JP: Tomorrow: April & Randy carry the money around some more!

    Luann: I know that this is normally queek’s domain, but: a message for Luann.

    RMMD: I do not want to snark about Alzheimer’s, so I have no jokes to make about this strip today.

  10. Cloudbuster
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: The prospect of dogs gaining the power of flight thanks to magic urine-powered hoverpads ought to terrify everybody.

    Nah, they’d just use it to more efficiently chase squirrels and expand their chasing to birds. My dogs would be hilarious, if somewhat harder to keep in the yard.

    RMMD
    Milton: I’m losing my memory … I can’t recall names and places anymore! It’s Alzheimers … and I’m taking something for it!
    Rex: What are you taking for it?
    Milton: For what?
    Rex: For Alzheimer’s.
    Milton: What are you talking about? I don’t have Alzheimers. Anyway, that’s not important right now. What’s important is that I’m losing my memory … I can’t recall names and places anymore! It’s Alzheimers … and I’m taking something for it!
    Rex: …

    A3G: Curse those doctors for sending him to a hospital for a head injury! He never should have listened to them. Those doctors play by their own rules!

    MW: Who’s going to help me with the pain of enduring Mary and June restating the same thing over and over for three weeks?

    BB: The alien’s GPS stops working after a million miles. Haha. It’s more than 92 million miles from the Earth to the sun, and a minimum of 23 million miles from Earth to Venus, our closest planetary neighbor. In other words, his GPS is useless for navigating to anything farther than the moon. Just like ours. It’s not actually alien technology; he bought his GPS at Costco.

    Phantom: The answer is obvious. The kid is the 21st Aeronaut, also known as “Flyer*” (* Ghost Who Flies!)

    Zits: I like browsing bookstores better than browsing Amazon, but the nearest decent-sized book store is more than an hour drive from me.

    9CL: The part I enjoy about this is that there are things that repulse even Thorax.

    GT: It’s “Inappropriate Touching Tuesday” on Gil Thorpe!

    Pibgorn: I am intrigued by the Teddy Bear. And, if he sticks to the actual Shakespeare, this story is guaranteed to have a comprehensible plot and clever, non-squicky dialogue!

  11. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Alternative Slylock Fox theory: the birds figure out that they don’t have to put up with this popcorn crap. It’s bad for their tummies. So away it goes, and the man…they have a few questions for the man. It’s terribly unpleasant, he’s never heard from again, but if you want to hatch your eggs, you can’t be afraid to make a few omelettes along the way.

  12. Beetle Bumstead
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#2): The same could be said of any of a number of recent Heathcliffs.

  13. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Phantom: For those who came in late… Boy, are you lucky!!!

  14. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#10): I wondered about the teddy bear, too. I assume that McEldowney is going to branch out into pedophilia.

  15. TheDiva
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: Flying Magic Wee-Wee Pads would be a great name for a band.

    SFx: I”m more interested in the squirrel perched on the back of the bench. Was it planning on stealing the food itself, and silently cursing itself that another animal has beat it too the punch? Is it the ancestor of that lady squirrel that Reeky Rat is always targeting for his petty crimes?

  16. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#13): LOL! (I don’t say that out loud, though.)

  17. Pozzo
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    I think Heathcliff is just rehearsing for his upcoming guest shot in “Shoe.”

  18. Holly Folly
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    I didn’t realize that Healthcliff was a surrealist strip.

  19. Mibbitmaker
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: Wait’ll the dogs start dropping bombs from their “planes”. And this being dogs in a comic, we all know what that means.

    Archie: Hey, theater owner, you have no authority over the writer and artist’s paychecks! Jughead’s the problem, not them. Leave then alone!

    Crank: Ed Crankshaft as Dan Harmon.

    Curtis: This strip has a new name: “Nobody’s Likable”.

    MT: Why should cops handle things when the Incompetent Operators Agency can handle it?

    Zits: This week: Jeremy and his mom take turns being cynical about the other one’s generation (books division).

    MW: “Oh, I’m SO wonderful!” (gag!*)
    *meaning choke, not joke.

    Pibbeth Gorn: Since the Bard (presumably) is doing all the work here, the characters need to keep themselves busy. Here, this woman goes meta, playing with her speech balloon.

  20. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

  21. pugfuggly
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Archie The fact that Jughead has sore wrists today makes me wonder if that was really butter he was wiping off his hands yesterday…

    C’shaft Just to be clear on this, the ‘gag’ in this strip is that Pam is considering pushing over the ladder and straight-up murdering her dad, right? Don’t worry, Pam, you won’t have to apologize to anyone.

    MT Take note, villains: Unappealing Baldman has no time for greetings or introductions! He will just just barge into your home or business and politely demand that you tell him the information he needs without so much as a ‘Good Day’.

    MW Jesus, this dialogue sounds like to two strangers trying to practice their english. Next time bring hats on your little desert walks, huh?

    RMMD “Milton? Alzheimer’s? This is such a shock…I’m being overwhelmed by feelings of…purple….”

  22. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

  23. Digger
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Even better than Heathcliff’s sense of panic is the boy’s look of anger and disgust, as if flying piss rags somehow offend his moral sensibilities.

  24. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Luann – Here we have a good demonstration of the problems with the strip’s protagonists. TJ exploiting his friends for his own purposes. Luann being too clueless to think of giving Quill a sendoff on her own, then instantly jumping onto an unrealistic, poorly though-out plan (are there even 20 people IN the Luanniverse? Even assuming Tiffany is invited?) and just assuming daddy will pay for it. The fact that both Quill and Luann will agree that this was the best way to send him home with something to remember, rather than some more private, intimate goodbye that could even involve a firm handshake or a kiss on the cheek.

  25. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    MW I don’t know why I never noticed this before, but Mary is kind of full of herself, isn’t she?

    CS That’s a very dangerous position for an old man to be on a ladder. An accident could happen easily. A fall could be serious, maybe even fatal for an old man like Ed. Oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes!

  26. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#19): “playing with her speech balloon.” – Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

  27. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#19): Pibbeth Gorn: Here, this woman goes meta, playing with her speech balloon.

    Oh, look it’s Edda! Or, maybe Juliette. Or Pibgorn. Or Fleurry. Or any of the identical chinless, goya-eyed sexxxy women in his strips. Doesn’t really matter. Do you suppose she is flighty, oversexed, and has anger control issues? I wouldn’t be surprised!!

  28. Ned Ryerson
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    “Flying Magic Wee-Wee Pads” can be sung/chanted to the same rhythm as “peanut butter jelly time”. I’m doing it right now. Sorry, coworkers, you wouldn’t understand.

    I find it interesting that Josh’s phrasing suggests that the FMWWPs are powered by urine. I mean if they are magic, why make assumptions about power sources? That’s the beauty of the magic part!

  29. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#24):

    Even assuming Tiffany is invited?

    Yes, of course, Tiffany will be invited. How else would they be able to put something disgusting in her food?
    Oh, wait. It’s TJ’s food. That is sort of redundant.

  30. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    MT – I can only imagine how shocking it must have been for big Mike and Frankie to find out from a stranger that Trail could possibly be capable of having a friend!

  31. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): “goya-eyed’ – Their eyes do look like canned beans. I never realized that.

  32. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    FC “Mommy’s not very good at this game. She always has a hard time seeking us.”
    “Yeah, and she always locks the door. She’ll never find us that way.”

  33. Uncle Lumpy
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#31):

    “Goya-eyed” — Gentile canned beans.

  34. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#29): put something disgusting in her food

    It would be a nice change from the revolting ingredients that make up the rest of the menu. Class up the joint a bit. “Cafe TJ – Now 10% Less Revolting! Try our new Disgusting menu!”

  35. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    MT – “Dammit, Frankie! Did you forget to put Trail’s jeep in the meat cooler with him?!!”

  36. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    FW Oh, great, TB! Here’s an opportunity to spread misinformation about service dogs. Sure, they’re cute pets! Let’s encourage people to walk up to them and distract them while they’re working.

  37. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

  38. Mibbitmaker
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#26): Hmmmm…. Maybe I changed the parody title from “Glibporn” a bit too soon. Brooke wins this round…

  39. Flying Manatee
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#32): Jeffy, it could be worse. Mommy has PJ playing “The Plastic Grocery Bag Game” and Dolly playing “Dodge The Traffic.”

  40. TheDiva
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#10): I think I can say with absolute confidence that Brooke McEldowney will approach Shakespeare with the same deft touch, nuance, and appreciation for the source material’s merits that he brought to the Arabian Nights stories.
    9CL: It’s funny because the straw antagonists are slovenly, stupid hicks! I’m surprised he isn’t simultaneously picking his nose and butt.

    A3G: Luann thinks PTSD, like amnesia in popular media, can be both caused and cured by a blow to the head. She’s holding a comically large mallet just bellow panel.

    C’shaft: I’d say this explains a lot, but since when has Crankshaft ever apologized for anything?

    FW: Ew, now the dog’s smirking.

    Luann: Are there twenty people in this entire strip? (On another note, I wonder how long it would take the GoComics faithful to seize their torches and pitchforks if Tiffany planned a huge expensive party and expected her father to foot the bill without consulting him first…)

    MT: This is going to end with the entire regular cast in the meat cooler, isn’t it?

    Marvin: That still doesn’t explain why you need Marvin…

    MW: “My husband was holding me back! He kept saying ‘it’s not your concern’ and ‘ maybe they don’t want you prying into their personal affairs!’ He had to die!”

    Pibgorn: And now that Brooke has shown off how well he knows the play, he can begin pissing all over it.

    Pluggers are short, obese, or both.

    SM: The proportional pragmatism of a spider.

  41. Midtown
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#36): Can Buddy get his own strip? Where he’ll be treated with RESPECT? He’s the only likable character in the Funkyverse.

  42. debussy fields
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    MT— What the hell is Jason barging in like this for, interrupting Big Mike’s hand shadow demonstration, right when he was in the middle of finally nailing the “Talking Wolf”? And give Big Mike some credit when it’s due. The last time we saw Mark’s vehicle, one headlight was considerably lower than the other. Looks like Big Mike fixed it.

    MW—Is this story line finally at its end? It looks like Mary got what’s-her-name to smile, which means she’s over her grief. Now Mary, go back home and get on with the next thing. Story’s over. Good job.

  43. bats :[
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#9): re RMMD: same here.

    Mary Worth, on the other hand (or foot)…

  44. Liam
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    A3G-”No. They diagnosed me with the inability to tell a story. You see I have this tendency to drag out a story. It happened as a result of a head injury I suffered during the war. I thought that the war was going to be glorious but it turned out otherwise. I lost a lot of good friends during the war.”

    Spiderman-Missed it by that much.

    JP-Everyone will be following you. Some will be offering you money and others will be wanting to take the money that you are being offered.

    Love Is-It’s always a special anniversary when Mr. Love Is hasn’t died.

    MT-Now is the time to lie and say that there is no Mark Trail here. It’s got to work better than the idea of Mark going disguised as himself.

    MW-Now tell her about Aldo, Mary.

  45. Currer Bell
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    10am, 7/30/13, the moment when 9CL finally makes me laugh out loud.

  46. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MT – “Gentlemen, could you tell me where my friend Mark Trail is, please?”

    “He’s had a long day dealing with a bunch of STIFFS HANGING AROUND HIM, but I can assure you we found him a SECURE place where he can COOL OFF!”

  47. anonymous
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Shylock: Just because (IF) an animal became sentient, I don’t think it would necessarily be BRIGHT. If a dog could talk, you’d hear: ‘go outside? play? eat? water bowl? eat? poop? poop here? biscuit? walk? eat?’ It wouldn’t be planning on making a raid on the box of dog biscuits or conversing about …anything.

  48. Midtown
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    MW: Has it been forty days and nights yet? Or does it just seem like it.

    Heathcliff: flying magic wee-wee pads. See what happens when you kill off NEWSPAPERS! Another unintended consequence.

  49. Chareth Cutestory
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: I’m not afraid to get all Language Log on this strip–so should we assume that since these are “flying magic” wee-wee pads there are also other non-flying versions of magic wee-wee pads? If so, how are they magic? This is what happens when Josh posts a bit later in the morning, my coffee is fully absorbed and I over-analyze the nonsense within the nonsense.

  50. TheDiva
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#36): Buddy’s also not wearing any sort of leash or harness, which I’m pretty sure is a requirement for service animals in public buildings.

    Back at my previous job, we had a “Bark for Books” program where a trained therapy dog would come in and kids could read to it (no really, it helped struggling readers get over their anxiety). Every so often a mom would come up to us and say “Can I bring my dog in to do this? He’s great with kids!”–thinking that the only difference between Scout the family pet and a service animal was a fancy vest. I suspect Batiuk is approaching Buddy with the same mentality.

  51. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    A3G – The Houston Chronicle site often fails to update the color comics in a timely manner. So I often read an A3G strip and think that it hasn’t been updated yet. Or, I skim the strip and assume it was updated and just hasn’t gone anywhere since yesterday.

    So I went back and checked, and it has indeed been six consecutive days of two-panel strips where Genric PTSD Male slowly tells us what is wrong with him while facing the ‘camera’ in panel one, and Luann thought-bubbles something ridiculous over his shoulder in panel 2 as she struggles to understand. There are also 12 different character models used, but at this point that is more sad than anything else.

  52. bunivasal
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Look at how quickly the guy in Six Differences pulls that magenta feather out of his cap as the magenta bird arrives.

  53. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    MT – Big Mike and Frankie were really clever to disguise themselves to look like big Mike and Frankie as a precaution to throw off any of Trail’s friends that might show up.
    Good thinking, guys!

  54. Poteet
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @Wanion (#Y322): *brain explodes*

  55. Millicent Bystander
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

  56. bats :[
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#20): Brooke’s teddy only WISHES he could end up like this! (thanks!)
    Oh, and since we’re stealing from the best…

  57. David Foster Wodehouse
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Pray to God that Marvin never gets a flying wee-wee pad.

  58. Liam
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    MT-That’s Mark’s jeep. I thought Daisy Duke was over there for a visit.

  59. notmydesk
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    In reference to my beloved “floater” comment from a few weeks ago, the Heathcliff/Get Here by Oleta Adams connection just got ever more fucked up. “Take me up on a carpet ride,” anyone? We’re through the looking-glass, here, people. Get your jerky and your urine conversion machines and find a nice cave somewhere, because that orange bitch don’t play.

  60. damanoid
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Actually, it turns out that in Heathcliff’s deranged universe, “Flying magic wee-wee pads” is a general-purpose expletive (e.g. “Flying magic wee-wee pads! It’s the Garbage Ape!”). So the real joke here is that it’s occurring literally, which is of course an extremely absurd coincidence.

  61. Charles Solution
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id genuinely surprised me. I never realized that the Spook was a Hun prisoner of war. I always assumed he was an unjustly jailed dissident.

  62. bats :[
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): I’m guessing Pib…red hair, green eyes, detachable penis wings.

    @Amos Snarkadder (#36): yeah, I wondered about that, too. (Wait until tomorrow, when a cute coed throws a stick for a guide-dog for a blind man to fetch!)

    @Currer Bell (#45): very likely, a day (and time) you will never see again.

  63. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: I’m trying to imagine the pendulum swing Spidey’s going to pull off by fwipping the top of a control tower from a couple hundred feet away. Either that sucker is going to bend over and slingshot him to Peru, or he’s going to take a running jump and scrape along on his ass for a good long while. Either option pleases me greatly.

    I’m not sure what’s more baffling and/or vexing: that a donkey has appeared in Andy Capp, or that this is by all appearances a new(ish) episode? Either way, Andy is getting way too close to the business end of that donkey for anyone’s comfort, except the donkey’s.

    9 Chickweed Lane: Brooke McEldowney owns a pistol, and every morning into its revolving cylinder he places a bullet. Somedays that bullet is labeled “SEX,” some mornings it’s “OPINIONS.” Today, it’s “WHIMSY.” One of these days, dear reader, he’s going to spin that cylinder, and that will be that – unless a cat joke pops out.

    Mark Trail: Can you spot six things wrong with this episode? Hover over the asterisk for the answers! [*]

    Pickles: Here’s how that same conversation goes at Casa Pastor: She: I’m thinking about painting the bathroom. Me: That’s nice, dear. [Ten minutes later] She: Why haven’t you painted the bathroom yet? Me: The fuck??

    Scary Go Round: Today On Awesome I: “My brain is on fire and I LOVE IT.”

    Sinfest: Today On Awesome II: a radioactive feminist! (Though admittedly Kate Beaton did the scary feminist joke first, and better.)

  64. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    MT – “Gentelmen, I’m here to check on my friend, Mark Trail! WHERE can I find him?”

    “I’m sorry, we’re closed. No one is here. We’re not even here, so BEAT IT!”

    “But WHAT about my friend Mark’s white jeep that’s parked outside?”

    “That’s not here either!”

  65. Rusty
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#50): Is Buddy basically a companion animal to alleviate PTSD? If he doesn’t have any other responsibilities, such as a seeing-eye dog would, I would assume he can flirt with the ladies. Until he wanders off with them.

  66. Lily Sincere
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    What the hell, “Heathcliff”? I’m a grown woman who was brought up by actual adults, so without Josh’s mediation there is no way in the world I would have been able to intuit what “Flying Magic Wee-Wee Pads” could possibly mean even with the illustration of the puppy on his pissy flying carpet.

    Really, “Flying Magic Wee-Wee Pads.” Even having had it explained to me, I still find the phrasing much more objectionable than the concept.

  67. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#9): Slylock: In addition to finding the six differences today, try to guess which Hitchcock classic Bob was watching before drawing this strip.

    Without a Shadow of a Doubt, from the look on the guy’s face, it must be Psycho, or maybe The Man Who Knew Too Much. Nah. There’s no women in either scene, how about The Lady Vanishes? Gosh, I’m just Spellbound — Weber, Jr.’s Notorious for these things — they give me Vertigo. I have a Suspicion that I’ll need to join a 39 Step program to avoid going into a Frenzy. Well, I can’t tell, you’re asking the Wrong Man, I Confess. C’mon, give me a little Rope here, throw me a Lifeboat!

    // If you’re looking for me, I’ll be North by Northwest. Bon Voyage!

  68. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#67): That, plus the fact that today’s Slylock is for…THE BIRDS.

  69. Uncle Lumpy
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    FW — Does Wally have a handicapped parking permit?

  70. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#58): Daisy Duke IS there..she’s waiting for Mark inside his cabin. But unfortunately for the readers, in this story Dasiy Duke is being played by Kelly Welly.

  71. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#21):

    C’shaft Just to be clear on this, the ‘gag’ in this strip is that Pam is considering pushing over the ladder and straight-up murdering her dad, right? Don’t worry, Pam, you won’t have to apologize to anyone.

    And they all swore it was a terrible, terrible accident.
    Oops!

  72. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#43): Bwahahaha!

  73. Dennis Jimenez
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    SFX – Well just for starters, I can see the guy in panel one in on the Sex Offender Registry and shouldn’t be within 500 feet of a public park in the first place….

    Heath – And only one stink line behind it, to boot….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  74. Flummoxicated
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    MW: “I understand now, Mary! You are perfect and wonderful and helpful because your husband died!”

  75. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: In France they’re called “Flying Magic Oui-Oui Pads.”

    Snuffy: It’s too late because Hootin’ Hollereans don’t believe in die-vorce.

    Hazel: Dang, little Pebbles Flintstone has really come up in the world. And
    if Pebbles married Mr. Peebles from “Magilla Gorilla,” her name would be…

  76. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#40):

    MW: “My husband was holding me back! He kept saying ‘it’s not your concern’ and ‘ maybe they don’t want you prying into their personal affairs!’ He had to die!”

    Bwahaha! COTW!

  77. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#44):

    A3G-No. They diagnosed me with the inability to tell a story. You see I have this tendency to drag out a story.

    Sounds like Cole could really use some time with Mary Worth. Probably at least a year or two.

  78. Inkwell
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Fun story: I used to replace comic dialogue with text from a random sentence generator. I had loads of fun changing Uncle Funny Bunny and Chumpy from a pointless distraction for kids to a tormented, cryptic form of art. It was funny.

    But it’s not funny when Heathcliff does it.

  79. saluki
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    I can’t decide if whoever is supplying Peter Gallagher with Lysergic acid diethylamide deserves a medal or hard labor.

  80. Kristian
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

  81. Dood
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: Heathcliff knows he and his cat cohorts have their work cut out for them in getting their litterboxes airborne to close this weaponized canine gap.

  82. pugfuggly
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#71):

    Nice…! When I read that last panel, I’m hearing Pam’s words in Sean Connery’s voice.

  83. I speak Jive
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    FC – When this ran the first time, that was a wringer washer.

    Zits – On what planet did they find that bookstore? Have the creators of this strip been in a bookstore lately – or even found one still in business? I go to the local Barnes and Noble several times a week, and it is really dismaying to see what has become of it. They used to have shelves and shelves of books and carried obscure titles. It was so great to browse the shelves and run across something that turned out to be really interesting. Then a while back they shifted things around, stuck a reduced number of bookshelves into a corner, and filled the rest of the space with toys. TOYS. In a “bookstore!” And that is the only place to go for books any more, since Borders went under.

  84. bbofun
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Pigporn- **CAUTION: POTENTIAL RANT IN PROGRESS**

    First of all, I know Brooke did this before, with “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” wherein he stayed true to the original, with the exception of changing some character’s genders (and changing names and pronouns to match those changes). He also set it in a 1930′s gangster-movie milieu, and eliminated some soliloquies and dialogue. I have no problem with any of that- it’s done in productions of Shakespeare all the time (perhaps too often, but that’s a different rant).

    He also uses his “rep company”- in other words, the characters he’s created- to play the roles. This will include characters from 9CL. that’s fine, too- if possibly a bit lazy- so long as his choices in some way inform the telling of the story.

    And there’s the rub. Romeo and Juliet has been told, retold, interpreted and reinterpreted so many times I find it hard to believe Brooke can add anything to the tale. But that’s okay- it’s really not possible to hurt the play through a mediocre (or even downright BAD) production/interpretation- it’s just unfortunate.

    I’m mainly upset at the simple fact that he had a “title page” on Monday (the “sex-hands”- because, that’s what the story is about?) WITH NO MENTION OF SHAKESPEARE! C’mon, Brooke- at least give the man you’re interpreting a little credit.

    Oh, and I’m thinking Pib’s going to be Juliet- in which case, she’s delivering the prologue here out-of character, which is fine- but I guess the teddy bear is to indicate she’s much younger than she appears. Ick.

  85. zaratustra
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#5): I don’t think the vertical lines depict a closed door. I think they’re what a cartoonist draws when they need to draw the inside of a pet shop but don’t remember and don’t particularly care what such a place looks like.

  86. Jim in Wisc.
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Bigporn: Wow, real tough writing for the next year or so, McE. Nothing like plagiarizing Shakespeare. Of course, this may be the first time one of his plays was presented as a softcore pornographic comic strip.

    Melonhead Circus: Wait until Mommy decides to play “Hostage Crisis” and chains you up in the basement.

    Sexy Rexy: And it’ll turn out to be some terrible “experimental” drug. Of course, Rex Morgan thinks anything beyond drilling holes in people’s skulls and bleeding with leeches is “experimental.”

  87. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Slylock. For some reason, I prefer “Weberverse”

  88. TheDiva
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @Rusty (#65): In addition to providing emotional and psychological comfort, PTSD dogs can and do perform helpful tasks for their owners–and in any case they are still service animals, and should probably be treated as such.

    (Although on reflection, Buddy might be exempted from leash requirements since he does things like “pop corners” for Wally, which would require a certain amount of freedom. If he’s going to go jump into the arms of the first girls to coo over him, though, he’s probably not well enough trained to be going about unrestrained.)

  89. Voshkod
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    I think what we’re seeing in today’s Slylock Fox is the end of an overly-complex jewel heist. The crooks all thought it had gone south when they realized the man they’d given a bag full of breadcrumbs and diamonds to was the wrong guy. To be fair, they all thought that a blue hat with a red hatband was a safe recognition signal. The gang’s about to fall apart, suspicions are in the open, weapons are drawn, when the leader of the gang (maybe played by George Clooney?) sits back and puts his head behind his hands. “You guys thought I was crazy I offered a percentage to the midget in the heron outfit. Well, I love it when a plan comes together.”

  90. TheDiva
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#84): I’m not sure what would bother me more–Brooke just lazily parroting Shakespeare with nothing insightful or original to say about it, or watching him try to hammer the text into his own mix of softcore porn and smug pseudo-intellectualism. It’s a no-win situation.

  91. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    wherein I break a promise to myself and actually look at the “9CL/Pibgorn” fiasco:

    9CL: used to have a neighbor like that, actually. He lived for his cows and took great care of his herd. Fuck you, Brooke

    Pibgorn: a modestly dressed and un-skewered woman? I suspect an impostor has taken over the drawing board

  92. Jim in Wisc.
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Today’s Calvin & Hobbes, originally drawn about seven years before shows like “Survivor” and “Big Brother” kicked off the reality TV boom, shows just how prescient Bill Watterson could be.

  93. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    re: Heathcliff — *nobody’s*, not even the Phantom’s, sang-froid could hold up in the face of both dogs on flying magic carpets, *and* the phrase “wee-wee pads”. one, maybe, or the other… but not both

  94. LogopolisMike
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff is surely trolling us, right? Because it’s pretty much turned into my favorite comic and I can’t accept that if it isn’t an intentional move on somebody’s part.

  95. Horace Broon
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    ASM: Tomorrow’s strip shows Spidey dangling from the control tower. “Okay, and now I just … um … ”

    DT: “Wheaton”, “fracking”, this is the Comic Con storyline, right?

    FC: Discussion: Is this a cunning ploy by Thel to get the Keane Kids out of her hair for a few hours (if not all day), or is she utterly unaware they think they’re playing hide and seek with her because they never bothered to tell her? The former maximises the cruelty of the strip, but the latter emphasises that the kids are morons, so it’s a tough decision which works better.

    HtH: To be fair, if I were in Lucky Eddie’s position, so would I.

    RMMD: Okay, I’m confused. Did Milton lie about the London doctor saying he had a heart condition because he didn’t want Rex to know he had Alzheimer’s? Or does Wilson think Alzheimer’s patients think they have heart conditions when they don’t? Or is the London doctor a quack who told Milton he had a heart condition and Alzheimer’s, and it’s going to turn out he doesn’t have either of them?

    S4th: I love how contemptous Jackie is of her sister’s descent into chocaholism. Call her when you develop a real vice!

    Zits: Wasn’t it established yesterday that he has a list? He’s not just pulling books off the shelves at random until he finds one he likes. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that; it’s how I spent this afternoon.)

  96. Lumaca Morente
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Oh, good, first FW ruins Hemingway and now Brooke will ruin the Bard.

  97. Ned Ryerson
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    If I buy some Flying Magic Wee Wee Pads and fashion the material into a constume, I could become the world’s most disgusting super hero. Technically, I would need other super powers (in addition to my urine soaked magical flying suit) to qualify as a super hero, but the existence of newspaper Spider Man has established that that bar is set pretty low.

    Speaking of newspaper Spider Man, it’s curious that he is wasting panel space to elaborate on the limits of his locomotive powers in areas lacking tall buildings when on many occasions prior he seems to be able to FWWWIPPP about at will without having to give much thought to mapping out suitably tall buildings between him and his destination. What was he expecting to find in Costa Verde? Does he have cab fare?

  98. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: I don’t remember what role the wormhole and the alien robot invasion played in the goings-on between the Montagues and the Capulets, but I suppose we shall find out, maybe in Act II. Maybe they are related to the role that the temporal rift played in the composing of Mozart’s Requiem Mass in d Minor last year.

  99. monsieurjohn
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Is that when you were diagnosed with PTSD?” “No… that’s when my eyes shrank, and moved really really close together.”

  100. J. Robert Oppenheimer
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Josh, I hate to keep bothering you about this, but the term you’re looking for here is “sapience”, not “sentience”.

  101. Old Folkie
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    SFox: Josh, a great SF story on animals becoming sentient: “Brain Wave” by Poul Anderson.

    FW: In FW land, they actually train the service dogs to smirk.

    Zits: I haven’t seen a bookstore with that many books since Borders folded.

    A3G: In addition to having restless leg syndrome, he now has restless eye syndrome.

  102. endless sky
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: Well, it is the Dog Days of Summer. Strange things happen.

  103. nescio
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#8): Spoken like someone issuing a bizarre non sequitur to my comment.

    For the record, I’ve only ever had stuffing made with torn up pieces of bread, not crumbs.

  104. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#Y309):

    Just to hammer home the point, I briefly planned violence upon the persons of everyone in this thread who talked shit about my Cincinnati chili (you know who you are.) I have a leftover portion of Skyline in the fridge right now (canned, but that’s the best you can do here.)

    I make Texas-style chili too, though, usually with ground beef and kidney beans, though I’ve also taken a liking to “chuck-wagon” style with slow-cooked stew beef and pleeeeenty of spices. Actually, Cincinnati chili requires a hell of a complex mix of spices, which the people at Skyline can do better than I can, so I don’t make it very often at all.

    I know who I am. Everyone knows Gold Star is far far better than Skyline, though that’s damning with faint praise. “Complex mix of spices” is codename for cinnamon and cocoa powder. Where I’m from and where I live, cinnamon and cocoa powder belong in desserts, not chili. Booyah!

    PS-Are you up for three-way after cornhole?
    PPS-I don’t mean that in a Dingo sort of way.

    @Chip Whittle (#Y314): Your poor brain. It can’t remember the password to online banking but can remember the details of Cathy’s employment.

    @Wanion (#Y322): Oh my! [/George Takei]

  105. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#68): No, no. Never heard of that one.

    // Are there scimitars in it? I usually only watch movies with scimitars in them. Remember that fabulous scimitar fight in My Dinner with Andre?

  106. SurrealKangaroo
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Seriously what is supposed to be the joke in today’s Heathcliff?

  107. Obvious Jokes, Inc.
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Lenoxus (#y328):

    “I guess I could imagine a joke about some human subculture called “walkers” and how they’re gone because they walked away, but that’s even weaker a gag.”

    Six months ago my doctor told me to walk a mile before breakfast each day, and let him know if I felt better. I do and I’d like to tell him, but by now I’m a 180 miles away.

    Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Then, if he takes offense, you’ve got a mile headstart, and he’s barefoot.

  108. Nate
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: “Flying magic wee-wee pads!”
    Me (singing): “Doo-dah, doo-dah.”

  109. Majicou
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#104): Gold Star? Get that mess outta here. We don’t hold with Gold Star in my family. But yeah, three-way sounds good.

  110. Mooncattie
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    MW – The cactus was first. Now even the buttes are giving this storyline the middle finger.

    MT – Tomorrow we see that Mister Kidd really is a kindred spirit of Mark’s when he says “If you dare place me in that meat cooler with Mark, I shall have no choice but to pull out my phone here and call for the authorities!”

    RMMD – Now that’s the look of an angry doctor! There’s nothing more insulting than an accurate self-diagnosis from a billionaire with a gorgeous trophy wife. Apart from having to look up “Alzheimer’s”, how you spell it, and what it has to do with memory loss. Thank goodness Rex’s daughter is about to become the next JK Rowling, or his day would have been a total washout.

    H&L – Ah, innocent little wide-eyed Trixie…Sunbeam doesn’t really live there, you know. But the wasps do

  111. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#Y296): Smothered, covered, chunked…

    Ooh! I know this! Also scattered, diced, topped, capped, peppered, and country!

    // But Waffle House does have pretty good chili. Oddly, the large bowl is exactly the same price as the small one.

  112. Ghost of Gary Coleman
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#111): Oddly, the large bowl is exactly the same price as the small one.

    Wha’ choo talkin’ ’bout Willis?

  113. pugfuggly
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @Nate (#108):

    Alternately:

    De Do Do Do,
    De Da Da Da
    Flying magic wee-wee pads!

  114. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @Ghost of Gary Coleman (#112): Well it used to be. Haven’t eaten there in some time.

  115. endless sky
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    BC: Has no one yet mentioned the “fart balloon”? Have we become so jaded that we let this pass* without so much as a double take?

    * “pass” ha ha. get it? Don’t forget the tip jar on your way out.

  116. greghousesgf
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#104): Texas style means chili with NO beans.
    Also, chili is NOT spaghetti sauce. If those people in Cincinatti want to eat it that way I’m not stopping them but I don’t care for it at all.

  117. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Haters gonna hate, but Cincinnati chili is delicious. There. I said it. Are you happy now?

  118. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @endless sky (#115): Wow. Haven’t looked at BC in ages so I missed this. They can get away with “fart balloon” now in the comics? I guess the newspaper comic IS dead.

  119. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Does the Alzheimers explain the inconsistencies over the satellites, the lens housings, who is making them, who is selling them, who is paying who, and whether the offending lens housings are already on 100 orbiting satellites or still in the design phase?

    Because if it turns out that all his ranting and screaming over the phone about demanding payment and redesigns really was just senile gibberish, and that the other side of the call really did have him on mute so that they could laugh at him, then this whole Milton storyline won’t have been a boring and meaningless diversion from Sawah’s book deal.

  120. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#116): Texas style means chili with NO beans.

    Except for Texas style chili WITH beans. Still, if you feel that strongly about it, you can go over and edit this Wikipedia article. It should be fun to see what happens.

    I do agree with you about Cincinnati style, but de gustibus, etc..

    // As I mentioned yesterthread, I make chili with two or three kinds of beans. I stir the pot, of course, with my specially designed chili scimitar.

  121. Casey, Crime Photographer
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#75):

    Hazel: Dang, little Pebbles Flintstone has really come up in the world. And
    if Pebbles married Mr. Peebles from “Magilla Gorilla,” her name would be…

    Since today’s Beetle Bailey guest stars a thinly disguised “Great Gazoo,” our Flintstones Trifecta* is now complete.

    *Fred Flintstone continues to appear in Gil Thorp!

  122. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#6): You know you’re a Plugger if you trained your dog child on NEWSPAPER not those goldurn ‘wee-wee pads’. Fixed that for you.

    @Amos Snarkadder (#25) on Mary Worth: Kinda, not that you’d really notice.

    @TheDiva (#40) on Marvin: Curses! You beat me to it.

    @bats :[ (#43): Ha ha! Good one.

    @Chareth Cutestory (#49): The non-flying magic wee-wee pads magic is emitting a refreshing minty scent when angered.

    @Ned Ryerson (#97) on Flying Magic Wee-Wee Pads: COTW contender!

    @nescio (#103): I’ve only had stuffing made from torn up pieces of flying magic wee-wee pads, not bread. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

  123. Anonymous
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#120):

    I stir the pot, of course, with my specially designed chili scimitar.

    Now that’s cutting edge chili.

  124. Chili Willy Shrug, for Obvious Jokes, Inc.
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#111):

    “Smothered, covered, chunked…
    Ooh! I know this! Also scattered, diced, topped, capped, peppered, and country!”

    You forgot “lewd, screwed, and tatooed.” Also Sleepy and Bashful. And Shemp.

    /// (And “divorced, beheaded, survived.”)

  125. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    This used to be the afternoon newspaper in Memphis. But I always used to imagine that the paperboys used those bags as a scabbard, for protection when delivering the paper in tough neighborhoods.

  126. Joe Blevins
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    H-CLIFF: I’m assuming that, at one point in its life, Healthcliff was an observational cartoon feature about feline behavior. Then, that other orange striped cat came along, and Heathcliff must have just said, “Fuck it. We’re going full on surreal.” Who’d have guessed that fish-as-baseball-bats would not even be close to the most bizarre Heathcliff scenario? Notice that the caption of this particular cartoon does not even end with an exclamation point. If any situation called for an exclamation point, it’s this one.

  127. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#125): Sadly, the Press-Scimitar lacked Commercial Appeal.

  128. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#109): I knew this would get your goat.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#111): Wha’ choo talkin’ ’bout Willis?

    @greghousesgf (#116): No love for a four way?

  129. Droopy Says
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Lenoxus (y#328): I guess I could imagine a joke about some human subculture called “walkers” and how they’re gone because they walked away, but that’s even weaker a gag.

    You don’t have to imagine that subculture. It’s called “The Phantom” and you’re absolutely right about its weakness.

  130. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#128): Must be an echo in here.

    // I don’t think I’ve ever seen a full episode of Different Strokes. I was living overseas most of the time it was popular. I had the impression it was one of those sitcoms where everyone insults each other constantly for twenty five minutes or so. Not my bowl of chili.

  131. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#125): One of the things I miss about the American newspaper, is the colorful names they had, evidently from early on. I remember Mark Twain making fun of the phenom.

  132. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    more for bats :[ but no teddy this time.

  133. Droopy Says
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): Goya-eyed? You have something there. Brooke’s characters belong in a Goya mash-up:

    http://arthistoryoftheday.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/goya_shootings_of_the_third_may_1808.jpg

  134. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    GT: Did Gramps ever wrestle in Milford as “The Molester”? Before today, I mean.

  135. Droopy Says
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#3): Nothing helps with the Phantom. And you’re almost certainly right about Kid Aeronaut being the grandfather (or, by now, great-grandfather) of drug-smuggling pilot. Maybe he’s come back to warn his descendant against landing jetliners on dirt airstrips.

  136. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#131): I don’t personnaly remember Mark Twain making fun of, of course. I’m not quite that old.

  137. Dennis Jimenez
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#113): Na-Na-Na-Na;
    Na-Na-Na-Na;
    Flying Magic;
    Wee-Wee Pads….

  138. Liam
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff-Run! The dogs have air superiority now.

  139. bats :[
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

  140. Dawn Weston's Evil Twin
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    MW: Okay, Mary lost her husband in the 1920s or so. That was awful. But what other painful experiences has Mary had? She leads a pretty placid existence in Charterstone. I’m sipping a Margarita and watching my nail polish dry, which is more exciting than the “conversation” in the orange desert.

  141. Mark Twain
    July 30th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#136): Come on Scudder. We used to play pool together and sit around and sharpen our scimitars while discussing world politics and bodacious butts.

    You were a lot more fun then.

  142. casino LF
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#28): Flying magic wee-wee! Flying magic wee-wee! Flying magic wee-wee with a baseball bat.

  143. Uncle Lumpy
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#119):

    … if it turns out that all his ranting and screaming over the phone about demanding payment and redesigns really was just senile gibberish, and that the other side of the call really did have him on mute so that they could laugh at him …

    Milton was on the phone with Max Herkelshimer in Gil Thorp, who thought he was talking about wrestling.

  144. pugfuggly
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#137):

    …..god, I am trying to hard to hear this right in my head…….

    nope, what is it?

  145. Dale
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#125):

    A dull scimitar can slip and cause accidents. Keep your scimitar sharp and you won’t have to press.
    ~ The letters of Marque to All Good Kiddies. Visit our WEB site. Please like us.

  146. pugfuggly
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#144):

    and the minute I pressed ‘post’ I heard it

    uuuuugh, it’s been along day.

  147. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#9):
    Slylock: In addition to finding the six differences today, try to guess which Hitchcock classic Bob was watching before drawing this strip.

    Crumbsnatchers?

    //I’m no good at the guessing games. Some of them come across as being for the birds.

  148. Ned Ryerson
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @casino LF (#142): Or hows about “flying magic wee wee with a sturgeon bat”?

    now Where he at?
    Where he at?
    Where he at?
    Where he at?
    NowThere he go
    There he go
    There he go
    There he go

    Flying magic wee wee pad!
    Flying magic wee wee pad!
    Flying magic wee wee pad!
    Flying magic wee wee pad!

  149. nescio
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#122): you needn’t apologize to me if you could resist stuffing made of torn up pieces of flying magic wee-wee pads.

    If you were ever going to invite me to dinner, don’t be surprised if I decline.

  150. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @nescio (#149): I’d offer you a nice spotted dick.

  151. Buck Ripsnort
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    You wanna talk scary animals, Josh? Get a load of this: they grafted black buzzard wings onto a humanoid rhino, AND NOW HE’S A PLUGGER! AAAAHH AAAAAHHH!!!

  152. J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#5): He’s not angry, that’s the shape of his forehead. I see why you interpret it as an eyebrow furrowed down, but it’s his head outline. Look at it like that and see his expression in the half-circle-dot combo that makes up his eye.

  153. Ratiocinator
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#43): Well, if incredible pain makes her a better meddl–I mean, helps her give better advice, then that’s a good thing. ;)

    @bunivasal (#52): Oh, nice catch! And yeah, the magenta bird is the one you least want to anger. (I might have said that RASTORC was the bird that you should avoid angering, but RASTORC will be bent on your destruction no matter what futile measures you attempt at appeasement.)

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#67): That made me lol. XD

    @SurrealKangaroo (#106): I predict you’ll be able to ask that same question tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after, and nobody will be able to answer it then either. The Heathcliff strip these days is just baffling.

  154. Ratiocinator
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Damn it, I forgot to preview and make sure everything was linked properly. This is what “RASTORC” is.

  155. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#11):
    Yeah, anything that expands in a bird’s stomach is not really good for their health. Bread, popcorn, cheesy and puffed snack thingys.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSybqB6PD0c
    NSFW, of course

    BTW, coming back from the pet shop, I saw 3 or 4 wood ducks near a small river in Cap-Rouge! They flew right in front of my car! My gosh, they are truly beautiful. I’ll have to confirm my sighting with my Peterson’s manual. : )

  156. Casey, Crime Photographer
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Louis Vuitton Outlet (#y329): Cannot believe the naive comments.

    Believe me, I regret my naïveté every single time I post here. Please accept
    my abject apologies along with the used flying magic wee-wee pad that I’m FedExing to your home office.

  157. Liam
    July 30th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I feel your pain.”

    MW 2-Mary was in Wilbur’s shoes and found them to be full of mayonnaise.

    RMMD-”Now can you please leave. Only my friend Rex Morgan takes care of me.”

  158. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Ghost of Gary Coleman (#112): @Baka Gaijin (#128):

    Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout….everyone?

    Three ways? Four ways?

    Did the Chili makers powers that be drop the alarms and replace them with ways? Or, wheys?

    awwwwww….grumble snipe!

    I seriously haven’t heard about any of these chili quibbles. I have heard real Texas chili is just meat in a chili sauce/broth/mole (and NO beans). But, the rest of the Chili Arcana being tossed around is down right confusing to me.

  159. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#120):

    Except for Texas style chili WITH beans.

    I kinda recall that New Mexico-style had no beans or tomatoes.
    Pretty much just hot red chile.

  160. endless sky
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective (#152): re HC: those are some serious growths on top of that kid’s head. Is he a crossover from Funkytown?

  161. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @Mark Twain (#141): Yeah! And you used to make fun of my dreams of establishing an insane theocratic dictatorship, you terrible old atheist, you!

    // I’ll show them someday. I’ll show them all! And they shall tremble at my scimitars!

  162. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#9):
    Where is Tippi Hedren when you need her?
    Oh, right, she’s helping animals! Go Tippi! : )

  163. Cloudbuster
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#40): …the same deft touch, nuance, and appreciation for the source material’s merits that he brought to the Arabian Nights stories.

    *cries*

  164. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    SFx: Buddy in the blue suit sees that the loon or whatever is gathering up his popcorn and reselling it. Yeah, good luck getting a share of the profits on that one.

  165. Alison
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: I notice nobody is paying attention to where they are walking. Mary is too busy talking and June is too busy sucking up to Mary. If this was real life they would both wind up hopelessly lost in the desert and a eventually vulture would eat them.

    “Luann”: I hope Luann’s dad tells her, “Sure, hon, I’ll pay for Quill’s going away party! After all, I have extra money right now, since I didn’t have to spend any to send your untalented ass to drama camp.”

  166. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#159): Wikipedia says:

    Texas-style chili may or may not contain beans and may even be made with no other vegetables whatsoever besides chili peppers.

    So in NM they leave out the meat, too? Now that’s purist!

  167. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    MT: Uh-oh, looks like they’ll have to delay the victory cigar for another few minutes.

    MW: Realistically, we only see Mary gesturing with one hand. The other she’s using to pat herself on the back.

    WofI: No, there is no way it ends well. Especially since I think we can assume the Huns know what their own troops look like.

    FW: Fawned over by members of another species, you mean?

  168. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    Popeye: Oh, I like this guy. Best sort-of new character of the year.

    JP: If anyone follows them, I bet it’s Ed McMahon with a six-foot check. And no, it doesn’t matter that Ed’s strictly speaking dead. These are the Parkers.

    Garfield: Jon was hoping the text was from Liz, referring to another kind of itch.

    GA: Yes, dogs chase cats and Slim is a cretin. That’s all well-established. Scancarelli is milking a non-joke to levels that dwarf even Edge City.

  169. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    FC: Wait till they notice the stone wall Thel has built up in place of the bedroom door.

    SSmith: More impressive than intelligence is the feline sense of balance hillbillies get after marriage.

    Marvin: Trust me, Quagmire wannabe, Marvin won’t get you any action. Try walking around with a six of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

    A3G: Whoa! I see a sailboat on the bay in one of those paintings. Are my eyes finally adjusting to 3G vision?

  170. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#137):
    ♫ Hey Mr. Magic Flying Wee Wee Pad Man,
    Play a song for me
    I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to… ♫

  171. Vulture
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#165): We’re not sure we’re that hungry.

  172. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#2): Please. Zerbina is already playing air guitar while the caption tries to pass it off as a glockenspiel. Throw in the word “wee wee” as she grooves away and my head will snap right off my neck.

  173. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know much about military stuff or war stuff. But, I do know that establishing air supremacy is a great tactical advantage that changed the way war is waged.

    In Garfield Heathcliff, there is a possible explanation for everything.

    Heathcliff is freakin’ because up until this point, he’s been conquering the dog kingdom. He does it with his fist/paws and he has a lot of influence with Animal Control. But, the fact the dogs now have the ability to fly changes the equation.

    I think even Heath’s boy owner realizes that there is something wrong about this new tool for dogs, this Flying, Magic Wee Wee Pad. The fact that it is on sale and not requiring dogs to take out the equivalence of an auto loan concerns the kid.

    The dog….well, the dog knows where it’s at. (and he looks kind of blissfully not-so-bright, to boot).

    Heathcliff has tried for years to fly in ways that give him more control. Hot Air Balloons, clusters of balloons; surely, he’s taken advantage of helicopters and hang gliders. He’s done all of these things to conquer birds. But, now he must contend with dogs also being able to fly. This concerns him greatly.

    //though, the easy solution is get one of these pads for himself. Unless, it is actually powered by pee…specifically dog pee… It that’s the case, it might not work for Heathcliff.

    Then again, this could be Part 189 of the Longest Day of Acid Tripping Ever.
    Gallagher, Shine on, you crazy diamond!

  174. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#9):

    RMMD: I do not want to snark about Alzheimer’s, so I have no jokes to make about this strip today.

    I’ll only say that I’m disappointed it wasn’t discount Viagra like I was theorizing yesterday.

  175. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#162):
    Oh, and please never touch/pat a service animal when they are working, unless the handler says it is ok.
    We have a wonderful org. here called MIRA that trains helper dogs, and my GF’s daughter’s boyfriend’s Dad (whew!) trained a black lab puppy named Kilo several years ago – he was socialized very well as a baby, and was such a sweetie, but as they get older they need to learn how to focus and learn their role as an aide.

  176. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#105): I prefer the silent movie version of My Dinner with Andre …much more enjoyable without any dialog. Plus in the silent version they only use Saudi imported Swiss Army scimitars imported.

  177. Cloudbuster
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#50): I understand that many service animals are very highly-trained. But, what, exactly, is the training involved for a dog that listens to you read?

  178. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#158): In places where they think they know how to do chili but create something akin to the contents of Marvin’s diaper (i.e. Cincinnati and surrounds), they don’t serve the “chili” by itself because it’s totally horrible. How you’ll find it:

    A two-way is overcooked spaghetti noodles topped by “chili.”
    A three-way tops the two-way with orange wax shavings masquerading as the blandest cheddar cheese ever.
    A four-way adds almost flavorless diced white onion to the three-way.

    More ways may exist but my tastebuds were so anesthetized I gave up trying the rest.

    @Alison (#165) on Mary Worth: If only, if only.

    @Illustrator Steve (#176): Were the scimitars imported?

  179. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#176):
    Ha!
    Is that likie Garfield minus Garfield?
    For some reason, that movie depressed me to my core. I haven’t done any psychoanalysis on this issue, but for me it was a real bummer.

  180. Dennis Jimenez
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#148): A minor hit by Steppenwolf in the late ’60′s, right????

  181. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#165):

    Mary is too busy talking and June is too busy sucking up to Mary.

    Yeah, if they survive this desert excursion Toeby had better watch her back.

  182. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Why don’t you come with me, other fatty cat
    On a magic pee-pad ride

  183. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#105): THAT’S where I’ve seen that newspaper reporter, Jason Smith, before. He was that bald guy (Wally Shawn) in the movie My Dinner with Andre ! Now he’s grown a mustache and is getting gigs in the Mark Trail comic strip!

  184. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#180):
    I did not see your comment before I posted. Damned ESP again between mudgeons. : )

  185. Shrug, Being Beastly
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#177):

    “[W]hat, exactly, is the training involved for a dog that listens to you read?”

    Depends on what you are reading. If it’s Thorax-prose from McEldowney, for instance, the training involves teaching the dog to use its paws to shove cotton into its ears. Also, howling — lots of howling.

  186. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#184):
    My heavens, the cc stars are in almost total alignment.
    Take that, Mary Worth! Nobody does it better…than us.

  187. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @endless sky (#115): @Nehemiah Scudder (#118): One good thing – well, one thing – about today’s BC was that it inspired me to go to Wikipedia and look up the carbon content of flatulence. Lower than Peter thinks it is, I’m guessing.

  188. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#178): Only the imported scimitars were imported and were only imported from the Sahara imported imports where all of their imported imports are imported from.

    /// did I mention they are imported?

  189. S. Marty Pannts
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#177): training for dog that listens to you read — they have to know when to turn the page.

  190. nescio
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#150): your pud sounds unappetizing

  191. Cloudbuster
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#136): I’m sorry, its too late to walk that back, old man. Where were you at the Battle of Gettysburg?

  192. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#179): Actually, I seem to remember the phrase ‘gag me with a spoon’ having some effect on me while watching that movie. The best part was realizing upon waking up that I slept thru missed most of the movie.

  193. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#192): That was either supposed to read, I slept thru most of the mist or I missed most of the movie … I can’t remember which but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

  194. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#188): I don’t recall you mentioning the imported scimitars are imported. You shouldn’t hide that fact.

    @nescio (#190): What are you talking about? Spotted dick.

  195. Cloudbuster
    July 30th, 2013 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#105): Remember that fabulous scimitar fight in My Dinner with Andre?

    I remember that. Andre was doing so well, until he fell victim to one of the classic blunders!

  196. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#177): “But what, exactly, is the training involved for a dog that listens to you read?”

    Two full sememsters of ‘How to listen to your master read without getting so bored that you’re tempted to tear his vocal chords out – basic 101 and advanced course 102′.

    // Other than those two classroom courses the only other thing the dog has to do is learn how to sit perfectly still in one spot for twelve hour shifts while keeping a convincing enough face for the himan to think the dog is actually interested in what the hell is being read.

    /// Most dogs prefer taking the online course. That way they can chew on the keyboard and pee in their master’s computer chair.

  197. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    ::shakes fist at the Mudgeon Collective::

    Thanks to you, I’m going to spend the day chanting “flying magic wee wee pad” to myself all. damn. day.

  198. The Ridger
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#88): But if the service dog isn’t wearing a vest of some sort, the girls can be pardoned for thinking he’s just a cute pet.

  199. Alex
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Luann – I tried counting and couldn’t make it to twenty even including Luann, Quill, Shannon, Puddles, her parents, Elvis, Ox … “typical teen” Luann is going to have to invite her teacher (just the one) and school counselor to round this out, because that’s a thing that happens, right?

    You can tell TJ is a master businessman because he’s going to prepare a big order without actual confirmation of payment. Watch out Ann Eifle!

  200. The Ridger
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Obvious Jokes, Inc. (#107): The security/agency cops here called my state-issued non-driver’s license id a “walker’s permit”. Had me wondering if those with driver’s licenses are allowed to walk places.

  201. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#161): A good friend of mine used to be an atheist but he gave it up because there weren’t any holidays.

  202. Shrug, About a Gag But For Once Not About a Gag
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#192):

    Recently read a note that noted the earliest use of “gag me with a spoon” may have been in Robert A. Heinlein’s “The Menace from Earth” in the August 1957 MAGAZINE OF FANTASY AND SCIENCE FICTION (used in a literal manner, since the Lunar-Valley Girl who tells the story is in a hospital bed and being fed by a nurse at the time).

    (The person who propounded the theory failed to add “I am so sure!”)

  203. Mikey
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    MT- I see Mark’s Wrangler got over it’s case of “lazy eye” from the last time we saw it. Good job TRMT!

  204. Illustrator Steve
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#194): Maybe I added the word ‘imported’ as the last word after already stating it earlier in the sentence because of the area I live. There are many decendents of French Canadian in my area of the southern part of the state. A common trate for them is to finish a statement with a word similar to a word they had already said. An example would be… “I think I will go to the store, me.”

    // That’s sort of the same thing I did by saying ‘imported’ at the end of the sentence after already saying ‘imported’ earlier in the sentence, right?

    /// I could probably use this method to get big Mike so damn confused I could open that meat cooler and drive off with Mark in his jeep…me!

  205. Ratiocinator
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#197): Well, when you say it like that you make it sound like a silly waste of time or something.

  206. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#97):

    Pshaw!

    I understand why everyone’s minds go to the gutters when forced to contemplate a “wee wee pad”. It is a safe bet that the most likely connotation is that he meant a “potty pad”– a term which has come to my attention only recently.

    But, to water it down some, there is an alternative definition of “wee wee”

    (oh geez. i just went to confirm the meaning via a dictionary and wikipedia and found out “female spotted hyenas… urinate through a pseudo-penis)” good googlymoogly!
    Amazing thing, that Wikipedia…)

    “And this little piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home.”

    So, that magical, flying pad could be powered by squeals. Which might mean that dogs that ride it can do stunts, like squealies.

    So, don’t settle for it being just a synonym for “urine”. Wee wee can mean so much more! Yes, yes!

  207. A-wel Cruiz
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “Why no. It was actually where I discovered my love of flower arranging, you thick-headed shit!” I’m starting to wonder who the real mentally ill one is.

    Beetle Bailey: Beetle seems rather blase for someone who just made first contact.

    Drabble: GOLF!

    Hagar the Horrible: If I were in Lucky Eddie’s position, I think I’d already have pissed myself.

    Heathcliff: And you thought bird shit on your windshield was bad.

    Herb and Jamaal: GOLF!!

    Marmaduke: He gets sleepy after a big meal of child runaways.

    Pluggers: So in short, Pluggers are fat bastards. I feel you could make that the punchline to most of these, and not lose anything. It’s the Pluggers equivalent to “Christ, what an asshole!”

    Popeye: Then Olive passed out from oxygen deprivation.

    U.S. Acres: In the words of J. Peterman, “I’d like to see THAT complaint get rectified!”

  208. Mikey
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#203): …but I see it got passed on to A3G.

  209. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#yy199): Major Hoople wasn’t a Shriner. And neither was Lothar:

    http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3133/2857234252_be54aabe01.jpg

    Sorry I missed out on the whole Hoople/Our Boarding House discussion. I’m just surprised no one brought up the fact that Mandrake’s partner used to wear a fez.

  210. Mikey
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#105): I don’t remember that part but I do remember hearing about a guy who was going to clean up marketing his ‘Dinner with Andre’ Action Figures!!

  211. Shrug, About a Gag But For Once Not About a Gag
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#210):

    “I don’t remember that part but I do remember hearing about a guy who was going to clean up marketing his ‘Dinner with Andre’ Action Figures!!”

    Andre had pretty good table manners, for a Giant. But Hulk Hogan had difficulty remembering which fork to use during the third fall of the Dinner, and then Paul Orndorff and Big John Studd started throwing finger bowls at each other. It got pretty scary.

    ////I mean, somebody could have gotten hurt! Especially with all the body slams into the gravy tureen!

  212. billman
    July 30th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    I’ll just leave this here.

  213. nescio
    July 30th, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#194): I know what spotted dick is. I hate raisins.

  214. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    @Alex (#199): And the Drama Camp leader Melodee Manamazon ‘cuz she thinks Quill is so talented!

  215. yaoi huntress earth
    July 30th, 2013 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#28): Now you have me doing that.

  216. Shrug, Part Moldy Fig, Part Dried Grape
    July 30th, 2013 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @nescio (#213):

    Do you hate raisins, because of The Reasons?

    Or is the temptation to use them to power a killer laser device your raisin deathray?

  217. nescio
    July 30th, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Part Moldy Fig, Part Dried Grape (#216): I wouldn’t want to be offered spotted dick because to me it’s an unappetizing pud due to the fact that I hate to eat raisins.

  218. Inkwell
    July 30th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#154): Holy salmon squares, is that old.

  219. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 30th, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

  220. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @nescio (#217):
    I like raisins, but SD looks icky. Pudding in a can?
    There are finally these tasty British delicacies at Shaw’s in South Burlington, VT. Kudos for their cultural outreach, but I can make raisin or zuch bread anytime (which I just did of the latter.)

  221. TheDiva
    July 30th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#177): Well, they’re essentially therapy animals, so it mostly seems to involve being receptive to strange people, being able to sit and stay when told to do so, and not doing things like barking at everything or jumping up on people and such. I think the owners have to undergo some coursework too, and need to make sure the dog is well bathed and groomed in order to minimize allergens. So it’s not a complicated job compared to, say, a seeing-eye dog, but it’s still not for every canine.

  222. Mr K Martin
    July 30th, 2013 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    HEAVE-CLIFF: (Updated lyrics to a classic song)

    Imagine yourself in a comic strip kingdom,
    where hot dog rolls hover and fly through the skies,
    where orange cats worship cake signs on a flagpole,
    and are knighted with Eskimo pies.

    Put a black helmet of Ham on your head,
    while Garbage Ape runs through the streets.
    Jump on your magic wee wee pad and fly and you’re gone.

    Lucy in the Skyyyyyy with Diamonds…..

  223. Midtown
    July 30th, 2013 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @Mr K Martin (#222): Grooooovy!

  224. Helen Clark
    July 30th, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    I recognize that smile! That’s the smile of a woman who’s realized that in just a few goddamned minutes, she’s going to be free of this smug biddy and working her way through a nice, cold cocktail.

    You just keep smiling and back away slowly, Blondie. That self-centered piece of work is so busy singing her own goddamned praises that she won’t ((hic)) even notice you’re missing.

  225. Doyle
    July 30th, 2013 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    @Alex (#199):

    1. Luann
    2. Mama Degroot
    3. Papa Degroot
    4. the dog
    5. Brad Degroot
    6. Toni
    7. TJ
    8. Bernice
    9. Delta
    10. Gunther
    11. Rosa
    12. Skateboarder guy
    13. Crystal
    14. Homeroom teacher
    15. the counselor lady
    16. Ox
    17. Guy who sexually harassed Tiffany but it’s okay cuz she’s a slut
    18. uhhhh wheelchair guy who is either dating Bernice or is her long-lost brother
    19. short Elvis guy
    20. Firefighter chief

    Phew! Now we don’t have to invite Tiffany

  226. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#210): I don’t remember that part but I do remember hearing about a guy who was going to clean up marketing his ‘Dinner with Andre’ Action Figures!!

    I can’t believe the tie-in with McDonalds never made it. “Melancholy Meals” would have flown out the drive-thru windows!

  227. Mr K Martin
    July 30th, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @Midtown (#223):

    I never experimented with LSD in my college years, so I’m compensating now by reading “Heathcliff”.

  228. Ratiocinator
    July 30th, 2013 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#218): You’re right, RASTORC will turn one year old this fall! It seems like his dark reign has lasted for much, much longer though…

  229. nescio
    July 30th, 2013 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#220): I started out with a mild joke about the persistence of availability of bulk bread crumbs in Josh’s proposed beastocracy, and it evolved into a discussion of British food.

    I only know about spotted dick because it gets mentioned in Finbarr Saunders comics.

  230. Knute
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @Doyle (#225): YOU FORGOT ME!!

  231. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    @nescio (#229):

    Bake Gaijin has been talking about his spotted dick for years now.

  232. Liam
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    @billman (#212):

    Thanks for that.

  233. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#226):

    I notice you’ve been discussing scimitars. If you take the letters of “scimitar” and turn them middle-inside-out you get “marcisti.” Marcisti is Italian and is the second-person singular past historic of “marcire.” Marcire means “to rot” or “fester.”

    So, whatever you do, don’t turn your scimitar middle-inside-out.

  234. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Doyle (#225): Can we drop TJ from the list, since he is catering, and invite Dirk (+1) instead? Anything that increases the chance of Brad being gut-punched.

    (You also left out Quill, but it would be very Luann-appropriate for her to schedule the event for after his flight has left, and then just go along and not cancel because, effort.)

  235. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @billman (#212):

    Whoa! Looks interesting. It’s an hour and twenty minutes long so I’m going to bookmark that and listen to it later. Thanks for the link.

  236. walt d.
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    Zits: When the local library was renovated, substantial space was allocated for a “young adults” area. As I understand it, this is essentially a place for junior high and high school kids to hang out. They have their own stacks which seem to consist of the sort of books my grade school library provided. Jeremy is 16. middle-class, and supposedly a good student. He needs the “young adults” section about as much as he needs some flash cards for multiplication tables.

    Zits: Hopefully, a summer reading list for a high school student will not contain anything to be found in a “young adults” section. Besides which, you take the list to the clerk, ask if they have these books, buy them, and leave. Spending the afternoon in a bookstore is a fine idea. Spending it there with a resentful teenager is not.

    RMMD: So we make a sharp turn from heart trouble to Alzheimer’s, with presumed quack herbal remedies thrown in. You can hardly blame Milton for keeping quiet about it. Such news would play hell with his tycoon status, and Milton is sharp enough to know that even a doctor can’t be trusted with such information. We may guess that immediately following this conversation Rex will be on the phone to his broker, instructing him/her to unload any Avery, Inc. stock in his portfolio.

    FBOFW: They say that in Canada too, huh?

    Born Loser: I didn’t know Hurricane Hattie was a witch. Other things, sure.

  237. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Heh, heh, heh.

    Oh, I’m chuckling that the hand puppet’s button eye is loose.

  238. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#220): Spotted Dick is ok. It has to be cooked, and you do this by putting the unopened can in a pot of boiling water. I forget how long, but, of course, the instructions are on the can. It’s fairly bland, and expensive at the sort of shops that sell that kind of stuff in the US. Comfort food for ex-pat Brits. It’s worth trying once, just so you can say you did.

  239. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#238):

    It’s worth trying once, just so you can say you did.

    I wonder how many tombstones have that saying etched on them.

  240. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#238): Speaking of bland British favorites, you may recall that one of the children in “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” was corrupted by the Witch when she tempted him with a candy called “turkish delight”.

    It’s pleasant enough stuff, and you ought to try it once, also. Not worth selling your soul for, though.

  241. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#240): I don’t know, but I would guess that British style chili, if there is such a thing, has both meat and beens, but no peppers.

  242. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

  243. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#241): beans!!111!!!

  244. Uncle Lumpy
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#240):

    Turkish Delight — therein lies a tale.

  245. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#242): Oh, minced oath! Canned baked beans in chili!? And the whole mess baked! I will give them a pass on serving it on rice… I suppose, though it seems vaguely wrong.

    But you’ll notice my guess was correct: No peppers. Just (mild) chili powder. And not much of that.

    // I don’t care what the recipe author says, that is wannabe curry.

  246. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, About a Gag But For Once Not About a Gag (#211): Are you sure you aren’t getting it confused with this movie?

    And I don’t remember the scimitars. The chain saws, sure.

  247. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#244):

    What I got out of that was,

    …an all-night roadside candy emporium

    I had no idea they had Stuckey’s in Turkey.

    And they cut the stuff with scimitars. How civilized.

  248. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#245):

    Yeah, it looked nasty to me too. Maybe we can get Baka Gaijan to sample it.

  249. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#244): Heh, heh! “With candy-cutting scimitars they slashed the long strands into sushi-sized pieces…”

    But really the stuff is not as bad as the Slate author says, or as good as the brat Edmund believed. It is sweet, too sweet for my taste, but the rosebud scent is pleasant and surprising in a confection.

    // World Market used to carry it, but they no longer do.

  250. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#247):
    I have not been to a Stuckey’s in around 38 years. Loved the caramel and coconut candies.

  251. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#250): Gosh, I didn’t know there were Stuckey’s still around!

  252. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#250):

    They were famous for their nut log. Just ask grumpy cat.

  253. Calico
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#251):
    I didn’t know either, until just now! Wow! : )
    http://www.stuckeys.com

  254. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#220): They have spotted dick in a microwavable cup, though the tinned version lasts decades, so I’ve heard.

    @Sequitur (#231): Well yeah, you would too if you had a spotted dick like mine.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#240): Turkish Delight is fun when you get it in the little wooden boxes. The excess fine powdered sugar can turn a medium-sized child into a ghost, though in the 70′s, you’d have to watch for some hipster with his mirror and razor blade trying to bogart it.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#245): I’ve never seen chili the whole time I was in England except for at Chilis restaurant, and it closed up shop. And they’re not “beans” they’re “Beanz.”

    @Amos Snarkadder (#251): Believe it or not there’s a Stuckey’s on Trafalgar Square in London.

    //Not really, I just wanted to jump into your conversation.

  255. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    Please don’t let Brooke M. ever learn that there is something called “Turkish Delight”.

  256. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#254):

    Believe it or not there’s a Stuckey’s on Trafalgar Square in London.

    And there’s a Starbucks in Buckingham Palace.

  257. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#254):

    Believe it or not there’s a Stuckey’s on Trafalgar Square in London.

    I believe! Help my unbelief!

  258. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#253): Road trip!

  259. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#255): I don’t think you understand the guy. He probably knows ALL about turkish delight, and has very particular opinions about which brand is best, and which brands should never be touched. A TD snob, in fact. I should not be surprised if he had a personal confectioner, who makes him special batches to his own specifications, which he personally partitions with his own personal candy scimitar.

  260. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#259): “… personal candy scimitar…”
    Aha! You know, I was at loose ends for that perfect Christmas gift idea, but now…

  261. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    Stuckey’s pecan log rolls vs. Shittymart’s Nut Boy candy bars – who’d win?

    Yeah, the American Dental Association.

  262. Peanut Gallery
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    MW – The theodicy, it burns!

  263. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#258): While you folks are in the South visiting Stuckeys, stop by Waffle House, and try “Bert’s chili”. Get the large bowl, same price as the regular. Ask the waitress for lots of saltine crackers, a fresh bottle of Tabasco, and a big glass of ice water.

    // It’s a treat, for just over 3 bucks!

  264. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#260): Refulgent! It’s not even August, and your Xmas shopping is done!

  265. Amos Snarkadder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#263): Probably best if we don’t ask for “Turkish Delight.”

  266. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#240):

    It’s pleasant enough stuff, and you ought to try it once, also. Not worth selling your soul for, though.

    Now you tell me. Now I’m in eternal servitude to evil, grumble grumble.

  267. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#253):

    I just found out something I didn’t know. I’ve got a Stuckey’s just 26 miles north of where I live.

    Will I be able to avoid it now that I know it’s there?

  268. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#263):

    I remember about 30 years ago my wife and I stopped at a Waffle House. We walked in, saw all the grease on everything, did a 180 out the door and went elsewhere (I think it was a Steak and Egg – much better).

    We have not been in a Waffle House since.

  269. Peanut Gallery
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#194): Ha, ha! “Spotted dick” sounds disgusting but it’s actually steamed suet pudding!

    Wait, that is disgusting.

  270. Alex
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    @Doyle (#225): I did forget about Rosa, but in my defense so did Greg Evans.

  271. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#268): You went to a Waffle House? Ah, well that was the problem. You should have gone to a Wafle Shop instead. The waffle is awful, but the wafle is… F’ing great!

  272. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#260): “… personal candy scimitar…”
    Aha! You know, I was at loose ends for that perfect Christmas gift idea, but now…”

    But that reminds me. There was, and still is, I’m sure, an outfit called “Hickory Farms”. Their main business seemed to be, around the holidays, selling little sets of sausage and cheese samples, on a little wooden cutting board, all in shrink wrapped plastic. Each one of these sets contained a tiny little butcher’s cleaver, in its own little slot carved into the cutting board.

    It was the perfect gift for someone you didn’t know very well, to but whom you felt obligated to give something, and they weren’t very expensive, but they weren’t insultingly cheap either. A family could be sure, back in the day, that they would get one or more of these sets ever Xmas, from cousins, business acquaintances, and so on.

    The last time I visited my father, I found a small drawer in the kitchen, filled with these little cleavers, accumulated by Mom and Dad over many decades. They aren’t really that useful as cutting instruments, but they are sort of cute, and couldn’t be thrown away, really, as they were gifts.

    // Someday, when the time comes, those mini-cleavers will be mine! I will eBay them, and my wealth will be measured in tens of dollars!

  273. Peanut Gallery
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

  274. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#273): And of course Wallace Shawn and Andre’ the Giant co-starred in The Princess Bride. They probably had dinner together, at the studio commissary.

  275. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#271):

    You can’t fool me. “Wafle” is Spanish for “Waffle.”

    Ask June Morgan about the waffles.

    And the clams.

    And the spotted dick.

  276. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#275): And “Shop” is Spanish for, er, place where you buy wafles.

  277. Peanut Gallery
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

  278. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#276):

    Spanglish.

  279. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#268): Now come. You hit a bad restaurant, with a bad manager, on a bad day. There are hundreds of these places, you know. (Over 1700, according to Wiki). They wouldn’t be in business if they weren’t doing something right.

    My father bought a BMW motorcycle back in the late ‘Fifties. It was a lemon. Stuff broke on it daily; parts fell off. The handling was dangerously bad, and it didn’t have much power, which may have been a blessing, considering. I’m convinced that it was built in Munich on a Monday, when every worker on the assembly line was hung-over from Oktoberfest.

    Dad got rid of it, of course. But to this day, when anybody mentions a BMW product, car or motorcycle, and points out how nice they are, he will snort in disgust, tell the tale of his old 650, and deny the possibility that BMW could ever make a decent product.

  280. Majicou
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#268): Around here, it’s not possible to go more than a few miles in any direction without walking into a Waffle House, whether that means entering it or just hitting the wall.

  281. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#280): Do you live in Lost Forest?

  282. seismic-2
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#281): Of course, the Waffle Houses there all smother their waffles in Mrs. Otterworth’s syrup.

  283. Mr O'Malley
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#272): What happened to all the cutting boards?

  284. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#279):

    Let me ask you this. If your wife was adamant about not eating at a certain establishment, would you try to persuade her otherwise.

    Especially since there are always so many other choices around.

  285. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#280): Odd thing, Waffle Houses are all built to the same plan. If there’s a lot of business, they simply build another one, to the same plan, right across the street sometimes. When I was in telecom, I often had to meet installation crews, and guide them to whatever cell tower we’d be working on. One had to be careful about arranging meetings. One might say, meet me 8AM at the Waffle House at exit 83 on I-10. But there was always the possibility there was more than one store at that location. I’ve seen interstate interchanges with four of them!

  286. Sequitur
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#283):

    Eh-heh, Eh-heh. You said “cutting board.”

  287. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#283): You know, honestly, I have no idea.

  288. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#284): Well, there is that. Quite.

  289. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 30th, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#284): …there are always so many other choices around.

    Not that that’s always true in rural areas of the old Confederacy. Sometimes all there is off an Interstate exit, is McD’s, BK, McImitator, Waffle House, and Cracker Barrel. After many years on the road, I could go the rest of my life without eating another fast food burger.

    // And if I want the rest of my life to be of any significant length, I probably should.

  290. Droopy Says
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    The Absurd Spiderman: What sort of fearsome dictator gives single-shot weapons to his henchmen? And, jeeze, I’ve seen Imperial stormtroopers with a better sense of aim.

    Family Circus: Do it, Red. Nobody will blame you.

    Flatulence Alley: Slim, you aren’t clever enough to use the word “truthfully” in a sentence.

    Funky’s Flunkies: She doesn’t look equipped for that sort of thing. Or did she just put her ass on backward today?

    Mark Trail: In this strip, you could recite the alphabet and be accused of knowing too much.

    Phantom: “Your ancestor saved me once, so you have to repeat the favor.” Is there any level at which this is supposed to make sense?

    RM, MD “–and he insisted that I pronounce his name ‘Sou-say!’”

    Pluggers: Sadly, he wrote that note to himself.

  291. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    Rex, MD: master of the universe Milton Avery decides he has a incurable condition because of a conversation he had in a bar?

    JP: the return of the Judge! Today’s Screenwriting Pro Tip: “Proper font size is at least as important as creating good characters and an interesting plot”. Well, apparently so, considering the way these Wilson comics are run

    FW: I seriously doubt smirking dogs – even if they’re service dogs – are nearly the chick magnet that your run of the mill happy lab

  292. Baka Gaijin
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#269): Steamed suet pudding? It tastes like cake to me.

    @Peanut Gallery (#277): Agreed. Total awesomeness coming out of the Twin Cities.

  293. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    maryworth
    C’mon, come on/
    Don’t touch her, Mary!/
    Now, me, you know I’m no afraid/
    But, don’t touch her, Mary!/
    Those weren’t promises she made!

    —-
    Spider-Man
    This is the end/
    The only one, my webslinging friend/


    A3G
    Help, I’m a rock.
    Help, help, I’m a rock!


    familycircus
    The answer, Dolly
    Is blowin’ in the wind/
    The answer is blowin’ in the wind/

    How many windups must you take in life/
    before you stop bouncing balls?/
    How many pitches must a wise lass throw/
    Before she’s throwin’ not just one game but ‘em all?/


    beetlebailey
    Run, run, run, run, run/
    take a drag or two/
    Run, run, run, run, run/
    Killer you’re a loser, whatcha gonna do?

  294. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    FW: by the way, who is this guy? He resembles Funky – brother or son?

    (when you *want* to know who somebody is, Batiuk decides you don’t need to be told umpty-ump times)

  295. Droopy Says
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#294): I think his name is Cory Winkerbean. He’s the one who was a PoW in Iraq for umpteen years, returned home somehow, then got ignored by the VA and Pentagon because otherwise his story wouldn’t have been adequately depressing. The dog is there to wet on his leg in case things ever look up for him.

  296. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#294):

    I think that is his son.

    //I don’t read it often enough to know how regular of a character he is or was.

  297. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#295):

    Gee. That’s cheery.

  298. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    Funky: Sokay, Wally. She made an appointment with Fleurrie Sprocket to have you BOTH neutered.

  299. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#295): @tallyHO (#296): thanks. I have to admit, it is really creepy that the only success story I’ve seen in FW since I started looking at it a few months ago is Les Moore’s milking the death of his wife for Hollywood $

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#298): You think she’s capable of doing something *useful*?

  300. wally winkerbean's dog
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#298): Funky: Sokay, Wally. She made an appointment with Fleurrie Sprocket to have you BOTH neutered.

    ftfy

  301. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#298): (try this again): you think Dr Spocket is capable of doing something useful?

  302. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#296): Wally Winkerbean is Funky’s nephew.

  303. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#302):

    That would mean Funky has a brother or a sister.

    Bunky, Chunky, Munky, Dunky…?

  304. Droopy Says
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#297): There’s bound to be more, and worse, to the guy’s story. Otherwise the dog wouldn’t smirk like that.

  305. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#301): Fleurrie learned how to shave and cut off testicles in her first day of veterinary school/barber college.

  306. tallyHO
    July 30th, 2013 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    Good point.

    I take it you mean his/their future storyline. I could totally see something happening where there is a breakthru and it probably will involve the dog sacrificing him/herself. If she is a she then the redeeming aspect will be that the purebreed pups (no one expected) will survive just in time for Cory’s girlfriend/fiancee to announce she’s pregnant! And, that they are moving out of that hellhole to a bright pasture….when suddenly, reality sinks in and tragedy strikes someone they know!

  307. Sgt.Stoned
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    MW: Tell it to Aldo Kelrast.

    MT: Porn superstar Ron Jeremy to the rescue!

  308. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#303):

    My guess is a brother: “Bunker Hill Winkerbean” (or “Bunky” for short).

    Not that it amounts to a Hill of ‘beans!

  309. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#306): um. you think Batiuk is reading Lynn Johnston compilations for plot tips? now *there* would be a lawsuit for the ages

  310. Droopy Says
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#306): See? You understand the appeal of Funky Winkerbean! It lies in the blissful anticipation of seeing how Batiuk will make everyone as miserable as possible. That includes Creepy Les, who has to go through life as Creepy Les.

  311. tallyHO
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    @Sgt.Stoned (#307):
    I was going to go a similar way but I will give this to you.

    Thinking quickly and acting quicker, the intrepid, bald reporter drops his pants and just stands in place, arms akimbo, with a menacing, yet playful, scowl on his face that briefly included a wink and a blown kiss to the two men on the other side of the room.
    The half-naked reporter’s two would-be captors gasp. The one with a rifle drops it and leaps into his partner’s awaiting arms. “Run,” he yelled into his partner’s shaggy hair, “Run because he’s got a cannon!”

    With that, the chunky man bolted from the room carrying his sideburned, crybaby parter as they ran for Mark Trail’s Daisy Duke* Special Edition JEEP.

    *tip to Liam for picking up on that resemblance.

  312. seismic-2
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#304): Wally Winkerbean used to date Becky, the one-armed band leader. He was driving, drunk, when their car crashed and she lost her arm, ruining her chance of attending Julliard and becoming a professional clarinetist. They got married anyway. Wally has been held POW twice, maybe once in Iraq and once in Afghanistan. The Army declared him dead, and Becky, thinking she was a widow, got married to Skunk-Head John while Wally was still a prisoner. Now that he’s back, he works as a dishwasher at Montoni’s. He doesn’t have cancer yet, but everyone in town knows that inevitably he will, including the dog.

  313. tallyHO
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#308):

    You’d think whatever his name is that he would be shown once in a while. He’s got to be fatter than Funky. He can sit there chomping pizza but he can’t hide while doing so!
    @jim, some guy in iowa (#309):
    Gads! I might be! And here I thought it was just a cliche but the puppies were a plot point too far!

    @Droopy Says (#310):

    Yeah. I just hope I don’t get diagnosed with something which I contracted through osmosis via reading the strip!

  314. Huckleberry Fink
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#298): Enjoy licking your testicles while you still can.

    And you too, Buddy!

  315. tallyHO
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#312):

    Whoa Whoa Whoa!

    Back up the truck!
    beepbeepbeepbeep

    Then who is Cory Winkerbean? Or is it just the name of a dish best served with a copious amount of butter and salt?

    And, is Skunkyhead and BandLeaderGrrl a May-December romance? And, what does this have to do seeing smirk dogs? Nearly retired dudes from the Me generation and John Darling?

    John, Darling, I need to know!

    //no i don’t (it is true. ignorance is blissful!)

  316. Droopy Says
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#312): Batiuk must spend at least an hour a day, rolling on the floor in uncontrollable laughter, as he dreams up these things. “I know! I’ll have the dog get hit by a car and left paralyzed! Right before Wally takes the Big Final that determines his future!”

    ——–
    Bigporn: Judging from the fashions, McEch is about to trash the Roaring Twenties. Capulets and Montagues as gangsters? Fine, I’d love to see McEch’s characters go at one another with Chicago typewriters.

  317. Huckleberry Fink
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary calls upon the dark powers to turn Junie Moon into cosmic entity
    “The Dark Face of the Moon.” (Spider-Man’s newest arch-enema!)

  318. Huckleberry Fink
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    @Sgt.Stoned (#307): MT: Porn superstar Ron Jeremy to the rescue!

    Bow Chicka Wow Wow!

  319. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#316): Sounds like he’s returning to the well he dipped into for his Midsummer Night’s Dream riff.

    Given that that was about the last time he actually produced something in Pibgorn with a coherent plot line, I suppose we shouldn’t be too surprised.

  320. Droopy Says
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#315): All you need to know that is in other strips, tragedy strikes. In Funky Winkerbean, tragedy strikes for higher pay and better working conditions.

  321. Huckleberry Fink
    July 31st, 2013 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#209):

    Sorry I missed out on the whole Hoople/Our Boarding House discussion. I’m just surprised no one brought up the fact that Mandrake’s partner used to wear a fez.

    Lothar is a prince… literally. His fez might have been the African equivalent of a crown.

  322. Uncle Lumpy
    July 31st, 2013 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#315):

    Cory’s Funky’s son, recently enlisted former miscreant (he ripped off Lisa’s Legacy, and is therefore the Official Worst Person on Earth).

    I think Wally is Funky’s “nephew” in the same sense that Huey, Dewey, and Louie are Donald’s. No sister or brother necessary.

  323. walt d.
    July 31st, 2013 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#294): Wally Winkerbean was introduced as a baby, in July, 1976. At that point he is called a cousin of Funky Winkerbean. Not that that means much in 2013, after two time jumps and a transformation of the strip from humor to soap opera. If pressed, Batiuk could always say that there’s more than one Wally.

  324. Dale
    July 31st, 2013 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#254):

    Beanz: If that’s a “rich” tomato sauce, what does the poor stuff look like?

  325. Dale
    July 31st, 2013 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail has checked out.

    His vehicle is still here.

    Then he’s outside. What are you, stupid?

  326. Mr O'Malley
    July 31st, 2013 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#289): In the last few years I’ve been driving cross-country once a year, and it’s scary the number of places that have basically nowhere to eat. I’m even okay with diner food, but diners are not that common any more. When we find somewhere that has edible food I make a note of it for future years, and we try to arrange our trip so we arrive at these places at the right time of day.

    Coffee is another problem. There are some stretches of hundreds of miles where coffee is totally non-existent. Thanks to Google one can locate such places as there are, as they are often difficult to find. But even so many of them are closed on Sunday. Is there something religious about not drinking coffee on Sunday? I guess I must not have paid attention in Bible class.

  327. Dale
    July 31st, 2013 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#311):

    MARK TRAIL

    Jason hasn’t mentioned that he’s a !Reporter!
    Mike and Frankie will surrender or check him for a wire. In the latter case, Jason does end up in his underwear.

  328. Droopy Says
    July 31st, 2013 at 2:25 am [Reply]

    @walt d. (#323): Okay, let’s press Batiuk. You get the stones and I’ll bring the plank.

  329. Dale
    July 31st, 2013 at 2:41 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    Three days to wrap up or we go into what looks like week 10.
    Easy solution:
    Mark hears them coming. He pounces! Frankie throws away rifle.
    Police and Wildlife people show up.
    Who knew Jason had the fighting skills of Kung Fu Panda?

  330. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 31st, 2013 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#326): The big truckstop chains — Flying J, TA, Loves — always have decent coffee, and sometimes food. Nevertheless, the number of morbidly obese truckdrivers you see in those places is a bad sign. (Seriously. I’ve seen guys, I wonder if they have to have custom made steering wheels in their rigs.)

    Subway Sandwiches is pretty common, on the road, though. You can always tell them how to build your sandwich, and the bread is fresh. I’ve often had them make me a large sandwich, cut it into three pieces, and individually wrap them. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I always carry an ice chest in my vehicle. I stop at supermarkets, and get fruits and vegies, basic sandwich stuff. I carry raisins, and other dried fruit. You do what you need to do. Anything to avoid the deathburgers.

  331. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 31st, 2013 at 3:32 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#330): But, if you pay attention, as you evidently do, you can often find wonderful little restaurants here and there. A nice little ethnic joint, found in the middle of nowhere, has often made a trip worthwhile.

  332. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 31st, 2013 at 3:42 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#329): I wouldn’t care to bet against your proposed denoument.

  333. Mr O'Malley
    July 31st, 2013 at 4:15 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#330): I’ve looked at the coffee in places like Flying J, but I’ve never dared to drink it. Mainly it looks like it’s kind of weak and has been sitting around for a long time.

    On our last trip we had great difficulties one day because some rodeo had caused every motel in western Wyoming to increase their prices by a factor of five. By the time we found somewhere affordable to stay we were forced to buy sandwiches from the gas station. It wasn’t horrible but that’s about all you could say. At least there was somewhere open that sold some kind of food.

    I don’t really like Subway that much. Their bread may be made on the premises but I think it has a funny aftertaste. We sometimes go there for want of anything better, but there are a lot of areas where they are not that common.

    The ice chest idea has seemed like too much fuss but it maybe is worth considering more seriously. We used to bring a coffee-maker but that just adds more time before we head out in the morning.

    I enjoy finding those little places and talking to local people when possible. It makes you feel like you’re going somewhere instead of being on an interstate treadmill.

  334. Ned Ryerson
    July 31st, 2013 at 4:59 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#95): ASM: Tomorrow’s strip shows Spidey dangling from the control tower. “Okay, and now I just … um … ”

    You nailed it!

  335. Ned Ryerson
    July 31st, 2013 at 5:00 am [Reply]

    Did I just?

  336. Droopy Says
    July 31st, 2013 at 5:20 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#335): This is probably when the Tarantula appears. He’ll have guessed precisely what needs to be done, because he knows Spiderman will have made the dumbest moves possible.

  337. John C Fremont
    July 31st, 2013 at 5:39 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#293): Wow, man, it’s a drag being a rock.

  338. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 31st, 2013 at 6:26 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#308): “Bunker Hill Winkerbean”

    Given the earlier suggestion of castration, at least he won’t be mistaken for Breed’s Hill.

  339. seismic-2
    July 31st, 2013 at 6:46 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#322): > I think Wally is Funky’s “nephew” in the same sense that Huey, Dewey, and Louie are Donald’s. No sister or brother necessary.

    I don’t know about the actuality of the Funky / Wally relationship, but Huey, Dewey, and Louie are indeed Donald Duck’s biological nephews. They are the offspring of Donald’s sister Della (whom Donald refers to by her childhood nickname “Dumbella”). She sent them to live with their uncle after their father (unnamed!) was hospitalized followed a mysterious accident in which someone detonated a huge firecracker underneath his easy chair.

    The only reason that Wally Winkerbean hasn’t also had a huge explosion beneath his own easy chair is that Batiuk is saving that one for an especially poignant moment, such as when the red-haired girl sits in it and Wally gets down on his knee to propose.

  340. seismic-2
    July 31st, 2013 at 7:09 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#316): > Batiuk must spend at least an hour a day, rolling on the floor in uncontrollable laughter, as he dreams up these things.

    It’s called WRITING!!!!

  341. Droopy Says
    July 31st, 2013 at 7:16 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#340): So he coats himself in ink and scatters paper on the floor before he rolls around. That’s quite efficient of him. Thanks for clearing up that detail.

  342. Ned Ryerson
    July 31st, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Anime Download (#342): Dawn Weston?

  343. Dr. M
    July 31st, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    SF: Of course, your two origin theories are compatible. It’s possible whatever went horribly wrong with Count Weirdly’s genetic experiments spreads through exposure, zombie apocalypse-style, and here we’re witnessing the very first moment the “disease” hits a major urban center.

  344. I am Jack's username
    August 1st, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Wait ’til Heathcliff catches sight of the canine shitcopter.

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