Metapost: Comments of the week, unplugged
There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I need to get to before I present the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!
“Margo is every bit as awe-inspiring and terrifying as all that. Bitch makes me bathroom, what can I say?” –Uncle Lumpy
And the runners-up! Pretty amusing, wouldn’t you say?
“I sure can relate to Ziggy today. Ha! Not really. I didn’t even bother to read it. Do they still publish it?” –PeteMoss
“Margo hates it when her roommates forget the rules. Rule 1: Every conversation in the apartment must be about Margo. Rule 2: Only Margo may initiate conversation. Rule 3: No one may look at Margo at any time!!” –AmazingThor
“So Marvin’s last name is Miller? Sadly, this is the most interesting thing I’ve ever read in Marvin.” –Amanda M
“‘Business to attend to?’ Sure, Margo. Your outfit tells us you are sneaking away to attend Maude-Con 2009, where you are determined to win the costume contest. Say hi to Conrad Bain for us.” –Joe Blevins
“Wow, I really like Cinderella Tommie. And I wouldn’t have thought there was any modifier I could use for ‘Tommie’ that would make that statement true, with the possible exception of ‘zombie.’” –Violet
“Tube-of-toothpaste-cosplay is a special act that should only be practiced within the confines of holy matrimony.” –Dale K.
“Lu Ann calls from South Dakota and asks, ‘So, Tommie, whatcha doin’?’ while twirling the phone cord around her finger. Tommie says ‘Cleaning’ and Lu Ann goes, ‘Cleaning?’ and Tommie says ‘Yeah’ and Lu Ann says ‘Wow! Sounds like fun!’ and then Margo comes back because she forgot her skis and she’s all, like, ‘What the HELL are you doing on the phone? I told you to CLEAN!’ and Tommie mutters ‘Bye, gotta go’ and hangs up. Lu Ann continues to hold the dead phone to her ear saying ‘Hello? HELLO?’ for the next week and a half. The last panel is just a big cloud of dust with a bunch of stars and Margo fists and 3-D words zooming out of it saying stuff like ‘BAM!’ ‘BIFF!’ ‘POW!’ and ‘ZOKKO!’” –mojo
“I sense a hillbilly Belly Laffs series brewing for next week. Tomorrow: Another Diff’rence ’tween Gals an’ Fellers: Pull their pants down.” –Rusty
“Maybe Mr. Wilson is shrinking because every time he sees Dennis, a little part of him dies inside. Oh, wait, that’s me.” –Zeeba Neighba
“‘Last piece, Cayla?’ ‘No, thanks. There’s something unpleasant about the greasy sheen on it. Not unlike your forehead, if I’m being honest.’” –One-eyed Wolfdog
“Apparently Kani hasn’t advanced far enough in his training to earn his diapers yet, so maybe he’ll be spared the trauma of returning to Mawitaan for a few more days. I recommend that he wear the diapers when he gets home, because the hysterical laughter they’ll inspire in local toughs will give him a few extra minutes to make his getaway.” –Poteet
“Montoni’s: We’re not satisfied until you’re not satisfied.” –thehollis
“‘I know the owner and can get us a good booth’ — nobody talks like that, first of all, except cartoon characters whose sentence length is dictated by the size of their speech bubbles; second and more important, it’s a PIZZA PLACE. A ‘good booth’ is one whose eating surface has been wiped down with a damp rag at least once in the last twelve hours.” –Mollie
“Phantom delivers with sexy, sexy muscular man-bodi … OH SHIT THEY’RE CHILDREN MUST GO VOMIT” –jaybrrd
“Two over-muscled pre-teens, one of them in a waist-high side-slit diaper, are boxing under the watchful eye of a purple-latex-clad guy in a mask. This doesn’t so much say The Phantom to me as Jack Chick Tract About Castro Street.” –Patrick
“You know, Montoni’s weird rules are strangely reminiscent of the strip itself: Come for the teen pregnancy, suicide attempts, alcoholism, cancer, and mime deaths, stay because you have no choice in the matter.” –zooby
“The cruise line is broke and the crew’s on strike. What’s next, pirates? Or will several of the male crew, including that one who works on deck 5 with the hungry eyes and lean brown thighs and the one from the dining room with the dark wavy hair and easy dimpled smile, catch me in the men’s sauna and hold me down, forcing me to satiate their bottomless lust repeatedly, violating me in unspeakable ways until we all collapse in a sweaty pile on the floor. I’m sorry June, what were you saying? Oh, right, free cruise. By the way, you missed a spot below the knee when you were shaving your right leg. Well, I’m off to the sauna.” –Cranky
“I think ‘Love Fire’ is the name of Dick’s latest poem, which, judging by his turtleneck, Dick is set to perform down at Jumpin’ Joe’s Java and Jazz. Of course, it’s all a cover so’s he can beat up Beatniks.” –Comrade Denny
“ANSWER: Being a wild animal cruelly forced to wear clothes and kept in a cage, Shylock barked pitifully and scrabbled at the bars. When the Count said ‘choose wisely,’ and pushed the cookie between the bars, the ravenous fox yipped and devoured the cookie in one bite. ‘Well played,’ said Weirdly, as his demented henchman opened the other cookie, which of course had ‘no freedom’ inside it. As Weirdly unlocked the cage, Shylock ran around and around inside it, dislodging the deerstalker cap, which had never been that firmly perched on his tiny fox head to begin with.” –Marion Delgado
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Jamus The Bartender
January 26th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I thought Love Fire was a Sailor Moon attack by one of the Sailor Senshi. Either Sailor Venus, the other ditzy one, or Sailor Mars, who likes to bitch a lot.
buckyswife
January 26th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
And with all those quite excellent nuggets of snark bouncing around in my head, I’m off to sleep!
(CsOTW are like a comics lover’s lullaby!)
True Fable
January 26th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Bravo, Uncle Lumpy! Man, there were lots of good comments this week but Unca’s deserved top honors. Toss me some trinkets!
Jamus The Bartender
January 26th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Dick Tracy’s Crimestopper’s Textbook
Today’s Lesson: Crimefighting with Cologne. Dick Tracy’s Love Fire ™.
Howdy, Crimestoppers. Yeah, I know it’s been forever and a day, but it’s the ol’ detective here, back to give you tips on how to fight crime using the olfactory senses.
No, you dumbasses, it’s not about using old factories, it’s about using the sense of smell to stop hippie criminals, dead in their tracks, where they belong.
Lesson One. Okay, say a bearded hippie has just taken your mom/wife/cat girlfriend who snorts coke’s purse. And liberal anti-gun laws, being what they are, you can’t shoot him down. What you CAN do is throw a bottle of cologne at the perpetrator, making him offensive to passer’s-by, who will then hold their noses and point the way for law enforcement to open fire, if need be. And what better cologne to use than Dick Tracy’s Love Fire ™. Dick Tracy’s Love Fire. Now on sale at your local Walgreen’s or corner tavern.
Lesson Two. Okay. You’re a teller at a local bank, and…thanks to the tanking economy, you’re face to face with a no-good burly bad boy, pointing a twelve gauge between the eyes with orders to fill up the bags of money and NOT to put in one of those paint capsules that explode on impact, or else he’ll blow your head clean off. Well, you’d be a fool to do that, right. So….what you do before you leave for work is….take a stack of singles, about five or ten should do it……soak them in Dick Tracy’s Love Fire ™, and when the cops break in on the bank robbers…BAM. They’re caught.
Lesson 3. You’ve just given a perp the screen test of his life, and sadly, he’s left a little blood and assorted viscera in the back seat of the squad car. Plus, IA wants to screen all of your interview sessions from now on. Well, after the car is scrubbed, simply replace that old squad car smell with Dick Tracy Love Fire Air Fresheners ( tm). Now available at your local gasoline station or corner tavern. Plus, Love Fire ( tm) makes a great gift for that IA officer who just won’t listen to reason.
Well, that’s all I have for ya this week, friends and neighbors. I know it seemed a little weak, but did you really want to read another story about the train wreck relationship between Jamus the Bartender and Cassandra Cat, or click onto a Dingo link? I think not.
Till Next Time
Dick Tracy
For Dick Tracy’s Love Fire ( tm) cologne. Buy some for Mom today.
( and congratulations Uncle Lumpy)
Artist formerly known as Ben
January 26th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Two points
1) Congratulations to the COTWers. Dale K., I knew that Mary Lou’s hat reminded me of something, but couldn’t quite place it.
2) Josh, thanks for referencing Capgras’ syndrome on your previous post. A fellow devotee of obscure psycho-neurological conditions. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
sugarpie
January 26th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Yes indeedy do! Uncle Lumpy-I want to grow up to be like you. All are to be congratulated!
Poteet
January 27th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Yay Uncle Lumpy! Way to make every word count. And I rejoice to find myself on the float amid such eloquent hilarity. Candy and beads all around!
PeteMoss
January 27th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Lumpy rules, once again!!
Nice bunch of snarkiness, and somehow my “gee I’m bored and don’t know what to comment on” comment got me into the parade with the popular kids for the week. Weeeee!
Love fire, baby!!!
Cranky
January 27th, 2009 at 12:26 am
PeteMoss, yours was was my personal fave this week, what can I say, Ziggy makes me bathroom.
Doug Puthoff
January 27th, 2009 at 12:30 am
1-27
GT–Gad, Steve Rosen actually did something in a story. Funny, though–he doesn’t look Jewish. Of course, everybody looks the same with Chief Whigham drawing ‘em.
Cedar
January 27th, 2009 at 12:45 am
Hey, what is that Fear Away thing? I’ve been noticing it all day, and I’d rather not click on it, yet I am intrigued.. Is it worth it?
sugarpie
January 27th, 2009 at 12:55 am
no.
Rusty
January 27th, 2009 at 1:05 am
Congrats Lumpy and my fellow float riders. I am looking forward to Curtis this week, as Barry’s body is found in a dumpster. Hilarity ensues.
Brock Sampson
January 27th, 2009 at 1:14 am
Cedar: it is mega-lame. Don’t waste your time, unless you are a 13-year-old boy in which case you should click on it immediately.
Big Sims
January 27th, 2009 at 1:47 am
ALL HAIL UNCLE LUMPY!
sorry for shouting… haven’t been here in a while… hope shouting is still ok…
No? Only for Margo? Alright…
ALL HAIL MARGO MAGEE!
Sorry Uncle Lumpy, it was short lived, but Margo trumps everytime.
True Fable
January 27th, 2009 at 1:52 am
# 15 Brother Sims! Good to see you back at the snarkfest! You were missed.
And congrats to Poteet my queen for making the float, as well as PeteMoss, secret son of Old Man Mozz. Or so they say *in the Bandar tongue.
papa zita
January 27th, 2009 at 1:59 am
A3G: Oh, that look on Margo. She appears ready to stomp that happy so far down Nora’s face her lamb won’t recognize what’s left.
MW:Oh shit, happy ending. No flaming cars, no diddling daddys, no nothing. Color me chagrined.
Rex Morgan, Stone Idiot: Hey clown, first you kvetch about pirates and THEN want to get romantic. Second, you’re stupider than your daughter. Haul out that license now, I wanna see which Caribbean island that medical certificate is from.
mumbles
January 27th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Yay, float-riders!
GT: Hmm, body dysmorphic disorder, subtle putdowns, smirky asides – looks like the boys’ basketball team is learning lessons from…the girls’ basketball team.
MT: A photo by a fire? On a buckskin rug, probably? At this point I think the Mark Trail folks are just f-cking with us.
Donkey Hotey
January 27th, 2009 at 2:23 am
I need to get funnier, dammit. In fact, the hell with the -er. I need to get funny.
Steve the Pocket
January 27th, 2009 at 2:27 am
I never thought I’d say this, but I wish FOOB were in some medium that has audio, so I could take Elly’s first line in today’s strip and turn it into a YouTube dance mix.
jaybrrd
January 27th, 2009 at 2:42 am
Oh, hai! First COTW-runner-up status for me! Woo!
Sheila Sternwell
January 27th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Congrats everyone! Especially Uncle Lumpy, who I am still not (officially) stalking (where anyone can see me).
Little Guy
January 27th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Congrats to Uncle Lumpy and the Floaters!
No one suspects that Dic Tracy’s “Love Fire” requires a few penicillin shots from the clinic?
Muffaroo
January 27th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Jamus, by a crazy coincidence, Dick Tracy’s corner tavern was in my old neighborhood in Massachusetts.
Also, these are some damn fine COTWs, gang. I’m proud to hang out with such twisted intellects and jaded outlooks. I don’t know what’s more fun — seeing comments I “just knew” should be singled out, or seeing comments I had no conscious recall of whatsoever! The former, I guess, but the latter are a treat too.
One-eyed Wolfdog
January 27th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I must object a bit to the too-common misspelling of Slylock’s name in the final COTW.
Uncle Lumpy
January 27th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
#25 O-e W:
It’s more fun if you read the comment as the suppressed alternate ending of The Merchant of Venice.
Canaduck
January 27th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
You are all hilarious.
Cranky’s made me laugh for about ten minutes, though.
Ned Ryerson
January 28th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Note to Joe Blevins: Conrad Bain wasn’t available for Maude-Con 2009. They had to settle for Bonar Bain.
Trouser Tent
January 28th, 2009 at 12:47 am
“Two over-muscled pre-teens, one of them in a waist-high side-slit diaper, are boxing under the watchful eye of a purple-latex-clad guy in a mask. This doesn’t so much say The Phantom to me as Jack Chick Tract About Castro Street.” –Patrick
I laughed hysterically for about 5 minutes….making my husband question my sanity.