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Or maybe her whole head would be gone? Just an eerie neck-stump?

Shoe, 4/3/14

The workings of the human mind are mysterious and arbitrary. My own particular mind, for instance, struggles to remember the identities of the advanced hominids in B.C., but uses valuable neurological space to retain the names and schticks of each and every one of the bird-people of Shoe. Loon, for instance, is a sort of noble fool character whose jokes often revolve around his simplistic misunderstandings of life events. Thus, despite Roz’s Goggle Eyes of Murderous Rage here, I think we’re supposed to read his statement not as cruelty but as a harmless literal interpretation of a metaphorical product name. Still, he seems awfully sanguine for someone who casually believes that a substance exists that makes face-flesh invisible and, when applied properly, leaves its wearer’s brain and sinus cavities visible to anyone who wants to take a look.

Beetle Bailey, 4/3/14

I’ve never been in the military and I’m not a gun guy, so I could be wildly off-base on this, but my guess is that Sarge is less mad about Gizmo’s unauthorized but high-tech modifications to his rifle and more about his appalling attitude towards weapons safety, since he appears to be casually pointing the barrel without really looking in the direction of his fellow soldiers (and, more specifically, in the direction of Sarge’s crotch).

Funky Winkerbean, 4/3/14

Last year we breached the narrative space-time barrier between Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, two strips existing in the same universe but 10 years apart, and reality wasn’t torn to shreds, so we have more of that to look forward to, I guess? It appears that the current dullsville “Cory’s mom looks is trying to complete his comic book collection while he’s in Afghanistan” plot is going to dovetail with the even snoozier CrankshaftJeff finds his beloved comic books in the attic” storyline (for certain limited definitions of “story”) from earlier this month. Glad you enjoyed those comics again, Jeff! In ten years, your daughter is going to sell them to some lady. Anyway, for everyone who reads Crankshaft and hates its title character, the good news we get today is that 10 years in his future he’s ranting and raving in a squalid old folks’ home somewhere, where nobody’s listening to him.

Pluggers, 4/3/14

PLUGGERS WERE USED TO THINGS BEING ONE WAY BUT NOW THEY’RE ANOTHER WAY WHY ARE THINGS ALLOWED TO CHANGE WHHHYYYYYYY

274 responses to “Or maybe her whole head would be gone? Just an eerie neck-stump?”

  1. Alter Ego
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    love is… fattening him up for the slaughter.

  2. Snarky Parker
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#y267): Dick Tracy: It appears Mr. Angus has a beef.

    Not to worry. Everyone knows Red Angus is just being bullish about one of his cash cows.

  3. Uncle Lumpy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Dude, the front is the side with the ineradicable grease stains and capitulated polyester.

    Funky Winkerbean: If Mindy is old why isn’t Holly young?

  4. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Danger, Wilber Weston, danger! Target is rejecting emotional incursion! Code red! Retreat from personal boundary! Abort mission! Abort!

    MT: Doc knows better than to worry about Mark: “Mark has completely disappeared for a few days, and now law enforcement is looking for him; his trip must be going pretty well!”

  5. Jimbo
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    No worries. Pluggers’ backs are so hairy, you can’t tell their fronts from their backs, either.

  6. C. Sandy Cyst
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    WHY DO PLUGGERS EVEN WEAR CLOTHES FOR GOD’S SAKE

  7. Congo Bill Bailey
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    @Snarky Parker (#2):

    Not to worry. Everyone knows Red Angus is just being bullish about one of his cash cows.

    …or maybe “Scat Shaw” and “Vera Alldung” set off Angus’s bulls*** detector.

  8. AhClem
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    MW – Another day, another new set of monochromatic sammiches.

  9. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Yessir, Wal-Mart just ain’t what it used to be…

  10. Christopher
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: It’s a blessing that t-shirt labels fade after only a few washings because pluggers are known for wearing shirts with messages like “It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine”. And no one really wants to see that.

  11. Lily Sincere
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    Pluggers like it when their traditional T-shirt tags stick out over their collars; sometimes people behind them in line will politely point that out to them and they will have conversational contact with another person. Or dog, or chicken or warthog or whatever the hell Pluggers are supposed to be, species-wise.

  12. Angry Horse
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    …NAIL … SHOES … ON ?!?!?! I’m outa here!!!!!

  13. Droopy Says
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    According to Batiuk’s Third Law of the Conservation of Misery, this CS/FW crossover will result in absolute gloom for everyone (Did I make you think misery is a limited quantity in the Funkyverse? I lied. It only increases to fill the available space. That’s Batiuk’s Second Law of the Conservation of Misery.)

  14. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Garfield: Garfield, unlike Peter, knows that mice aren’t kosher, and refuses the orders of his Higher Power.

  15. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    9CL – So, after she showed the officer her papers and he let them go, she decided to pull a gun on him with his back turned, inevitably resulting in a hail of gunfire from the other soldiers. Suicide by Wehrmacht?

    Pib- The authorial choice to display his 13YO heroine in a tight red cocktail dress for the past several strips was, perhaps, inevitable. But in portraying her as a sexually mature adult, he loses the whole point of the dialogue. Of course these idiots are overreacting to everything. “Romeo is banished: to speak that word is father, mother, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet – all slain”. No, you idiot. You just met this guy last night and know almost nothing about him. You are 13 and this is the story of what happens if 13YO kids try to manage their own love lives.

    JP – The original story was that the drone operator had the drone fly over to get a closer look at Katherine’s tits (too cheap for a telephoto lens on their airborne surveillance device), allowing the drone to be destroyed. I guess that makes about as much sense as “he must have been startled to see two people in the distance and crashed the drone as a result”.

    RMMD – Doesn’t Kelly have school? I get that it is the Morgans and they are used to free stuff all the time, but no one thinks to question why a teenager would want to spend hours every day hanging out with a 5YO at her museum art studio (!) for free?

  16. Kevin on Earth
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    A3G: Is Jack yelling “NOW CALL ME JACK!” at Tommie? I hope he punctuates everything this way.
    Jack: “Man, it’s hot out here, would you mind getting me a bottle of water please? NOW CALL ME JACK!”

    MT: From this response by the authorities, the fragile economy of LoFo is based on endangered sea turtle eggs rather than gold…

    MW: The sammich POV is a scary thing ..

  17. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Oh hey, guys. Is it time for my scene,” the colt asks.

    Crankshaft-”I’ll put poison in all their food.”

    FC-Daddy would rather hang a noose from it.

    JP-These guys sound like they are going to be big pushovers if you caused their drone to crash by jumping out bushes.

    JP-I think they got a good look at Alan’s wife’s breasts before the drone crashed.

    MW-Hi, Pot. I want you to meet my friend Kettle.

    MW-Hey, Wilbur, how is your daughter Dawn?

    RMMD-”I have this feeling that Sarah would take advantage of Kelly.”

    Sally Forth-That might be close to the first smart thing Mason has ever said.

  18. Mumblix Grumph
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    That’s because Pluggers use home-made laundry soap, not that weak sauce you get at the grocery store. A Plugger soaks their apparel in a combination or Borax, Lye and Army surplus Agent Orange to get their clothes clean. Then they bang the filth out with rocks while standing waist deep in ice cold river water. Not like the pansy-ass kids today with their Tide, Downy and Maytag.

  19. Kevin on Earth
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Can’t pluggers tell the front of the shirt from the stains?

  20. Jeck
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    Josh, I think you left out an adjective in the Beetle Bailey commentary between the words “more” and “about”.

  21. merde
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    On 9 CHickweed Lane: Oh, so those are those cute Luger lighters and not real guns. Smoke em if you’ve got em.

    On Crankshaft: “That’s it! Loan me your cell phone…Hello? Is this Pacman? Wocka wocka to you too yes…I’ve got a squirrel snuff mission for you.” Either that or he’s calling Pacman Jones.

    On Dennis The Menace: “Ruff, have you any idea how tender and yummy human children are? Well…”

    On Family Circus: It’s funny because the car is in motion and Bill is trying to catch up to it with that tree while Dolly torments him from the back window. It’s even funnier when Bill realizes he shouldn’t be trying to catch up to the car, but running free in the opposite direction. It’s funniest when the car hits a pothole and Dolly is flung out of the car and watching her melonhead explode on the concrete.

    On Funky Winkerbean: It’s good they can laugh at old Crankshaft’s seizures in the nursing home. “Oh, yeah, I remember this shitbird…Ed Crankshaft right? *spit* here’s your picture back. Now, give with the comic so I can get the hell out of here, this place makes my skin crawl.”

    On Hi & Lois: “Kid safety didn’t matter to anybody back then…see how I’m driving and looking at you instead of the road? And driving so fast, our wheels aren’t touching the ground? What could happen?” Tell it to that oncoming semi, Lois.

    On Luann: Hilarity ensues as Brad’s parents manage to ultimately break up this happy couple over the size of the wedding.

    We haven’t seen TJ for awhile…guessing it turns out he’s an ordained minister too and will marry Brad to Toni in their backyard with the parents there and a blubbering Luann trying to get Quill interested while he sits there staring at the tableau with Gunther on his mind.

  22. Chareth Cutestory
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Given that he’s relegated to a posting at Camp Swampy, I’m endlessly entertained thinking of ways that Gizmo’s “improvements” are actually bonkers and stupid. A button that makes it shoot with a kazoo sound? A sliding door to insert a MiniDisc or cassettes?

  23. Mibbitmaker
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    JP: “No, no… you see, we scared them! Scared! They’re too afraid of our superiority! I get my way, sir! PERIOD! ……………..right?”

    A3G: Colt: “I’m baaaaack! …..uh….. back? Me? …..Oh, forget it!”

    Phantom: They made her a Wambesi tourist attraction! That’s a new low, Kit and friends!

    FW: ….or pitches fits, whatever the case may be.

    MT: Beardy to the rescue!

    MW: An editorial cartoon of this scene would have Iris carrying a heavy Jesus-like cross while Wilbur has a Ronald Reagan “conscience” (angel or devil, wherever you stand on RR) spouting rhetoric like “able bodied” in his ear.

  24. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    Do the soldiers in Camp Swampy still use WW I era rifles, or is Mort Walker simply unable to draw a modern firearm?

    I’m reminded of a story I once read in a French Foreign Legion memoir about some idiot who put a 9mm bullet in a 7.62mm rifle breech and accidentally pulled the trigger while pointing the gun at one of his friends. The bullet jammed in the barrel and the sergeant beat him senseless.

  25. Day Late Dollar Short
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    After only a few washings, the new printed labels on T-shirts become so faded a plugger can’t tell the front from the back. Normal, moderately intelligent people, on the other hand, use context clues (the shape of the collar, the picture on the T-shirt) and have no problem whatsoever.

  26. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Who among us has not had a police helicopter come to our rescue on Pelican Point?

  27. Midtown
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    A3G: “…and I’m the best there’s ever been.”
    Fire on the mountain, run boys run.

  28. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    FW: “The comics are back here behind my grandfather’s baseball memorabilia.” ……….Seriously?? Who gives a fuck??

    Luann: Hey B-wad…….Just let Toni handle it. Your life will be much smoother.

    MW: So, despite holding their sandwiches up to their faces yesterday, they still haven’t taken any bites yet? Is the anticipation of a completely orange sandwich really THAT awesome?

    Retail: Here’s to banging our heads against the wall…

    RMMD (a.k.a. Sarah Morgan’s Book Deal, B.S.): “Ugh. This coffee tastes like……wait……what’s that again about Sarah’s Book Deal?”

    Love is…: Greeting him on the porch, completely naked.

  29. aphthakid
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    LUANN: Oh those wacky men, always wanting the huge weddings! Amirite?!

    9CL: It’s times like this I regret not having a physical newspaper because I can’t ball up my computer and kick it across the room.

    FW: Bwah hah ha! My grandfather is a senile fool, complete stranger! I have other pictures to humilate members of my family around here somewhere.

    BB: The improvements are creating a strange tingling sensation in Sarge’s area.

  30. José Jiménez
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft + Rose Is Rose + Rhymes With Orange =

    TEE-HEE. PESKY SQUIRRELS AND BIRD FEEDERS. AMIRITE?

  31. Dennis Jimenez
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    Pluggers – Something – something – skidmark – something….

    FW – He used to look askance – now he looks ass-cans….

    Shoe – Now, the news about the toilet water….

    Adios Amios, DJ.

  32. Maltmasher
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    BB- I realize Camp Swampy really isn’t big on strict discipline, but I would imagine even they may frown on Beetle dressed in Wehrmacht gray while Sarge and Gizmo sport Kahkis. It could be that Since Beelts is also sporting a huge grin and polishing his weapon- he’s about to go rogue.

  33. Myrtle
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#3): “why isn’t Holly young?”
    I think I’ve finally figured it out. When the action takes place in the FW strip, all the characters stay on Funky Standard Time, even if they visit Centerville. When the story is part of the Crankshaft strip, everyone is younger, even characters crossing over from FW, as Kayla did a few years ago and became a college student again.

  34. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    Josh: i>PLUGGERS WERE USED TO THINGS BEING ONE WAY BUT NOW THEY’RE ANOTHER WAY WHY ARE THINGS ALLOWED TO CHANGE WHHHYYYYYYY

    So, Josh. You like Windows 8, then?

  35. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#34): Oops. Should have closed that tag. Anyway, I never have that problem as I never buy t-shirts without pockets.

  36. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    Luann – Every week we move on to a new group of characters, and it seems as if each is more loathesome than the last. But B-Wad and Toni are the ultimate worst.

    The author just loves to play up how comically mismatched they are. Unfortunately, they have failed to establish any basis for mutual attraction between the lump of mashed potatoes and the girl with low self-esteem, and thus playing up all the ways they are not compatible is probably a mistake. He is desperate to lose his virginity to a member of the animal kingdom, and she is desperate to settle for anyone who will give her a baby.

    Weeks of them hilariously failing to come to agreement on the details of their proposed wedding promises to rank right up there with “the Parkers sit around the kitchen table for a week and gloat at the size of the check they got in the mail” for laffs.

  37. Dood
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “I hate to see you burdened like this, Iris. That sandwich…it’s clearly too much for you! Give it to me! Give it me now! Precious!”

  38. White Rabbit
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    CS: Cranky, inspired by Montoni’s pizza pan, has independently invented the squirrel baffle. Little does he imagine that it’s already a widely available item of commerce. Also, and more important, in order for it to work, your bird feeder must be out of suicidally insane squirrel jumping distance from anything. I personally have watched a squirrel jump from the end of a twenty-foot-high limb, miss the feeder, and land face first on the ground. He got up, staggered around a bit, shook it off, and climbed the tree to try again.

  39. bad wolf
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: the thing is you just know ten years ago there was a Pluggers complaining about the labels in your t-shirt sticking you.

  40. TheDiva
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    FW: Never mind Crankshaft–we all know he’s going to end up alone and forgotten, thus reaping all the bad karma he’s sowing the seeds for in his own strip–where is Jeff in all this? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one making the sale? Is Mindy going over his head? Or did she just have the entire hateful family committed so she could get a bit of peace and quiet?

    Pluggers, despite their proclaimed practicality and down-to-earthiness, have the first world-iest of all first world problems.

    Shoe: Have you ever seen how “vanishing cream” works in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons? Loon’s confusion is understandable.

  41. Everything Is Better with Monkeys
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Luann – Brad and Toni Are just like Mom and Dad. There is no discernible reason that they are together.

    I don’t get the Quill and Gunther comments. Quill is actually a cardboard cutout withoutpersonality or sexual organs or desires.

  42. TheDiva
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#15): I was under the impression that Pibliet was wearing a teddy throughout this scene. Now, as to why she’s wearing slinky nightclothes during a scene that takes place sometime in the afternoon or early evening, that’s something you will have to take up with the artist. Or not, depending how much you value your sanity.

    In any case, running these scenes in tandem just highlights what whiny brats the pair of them are. (And also puts a bit of strain on the Nurse, who’s supposed to enter Friar Lawrence’s cell in a few minutes, but hey, what are logistics in the name of Pure Art?)

  43. Carter
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Oh no, Funky Crankerbean is switching from a story about old comic books to… baseball nostalgia. Cancer take me now.

  44. Illustrator Steve, the new \
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MT – Arranging for your senile father-in-law to stay in room #69 at a 6th rate motel … at an $8.00 hourly room rate, (which is very popular in the community).

    Having a journalist who wears earmuffs in the springtime convince local authorities to send an unshaven deputy sheriff to investigate rumors spread by Mark regarding a taxidermist stealing sea turtle eggs … $200.00 in police overtime pay absorbed by the taxpayers of Pelican Point.

    Sending a military air/sea rescue helicopter with trained crew to spend all day circling Pelican Point at the expence of the federal taxpayers, based only on rumors that Mark is “trying to get evidence on a poacher” … PRICELESS.

  45. TheDiva
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    9CL: I know we’re not lucky enough for her to actually get gunned down, but hey, it’s nice to pretend for a bit, isn’t it?

    A3G: I wasn’t aware that you could shoe a horse without looking at it, but what do I know? Maybe there are large animal vets who multitask, nailing the shoe in while they catch up on Game of Thrones….

    C’shaft: “I’ll put Montoni’s pizza out! Nothing in the natural world will want to eat that!”

    Luann: Because if there’s one thing a healthy marriage can do without, it’s a complete lack of honest communication.

    MW: If the other option was moving in with Wilbur, I’d shoulder that burden too.

  46. Mugatu
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Watching that colt like a hawk”? The stilted dialogue, the inappropriate facial expressions, the ever-morphing faces and hairstyles … I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

  47. Arabella
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    FW: Does anyone else think young Ed Crankshaft looks a bit like … Frankie?

  48. Stroker Ace
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    9CL – Suicide, please.

  49. AhClem
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Since this whole comic book story arc started in Crankshaft and FW, several real comic shops have gone out of business due to plummeting sales and a new-found lack of interest among former collectors. Nice work, Tom!

  50. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    3G – The expressive lettering seems to indicate that Jack gets off on having somebody call him Jack.
    Meanwhile, Tommie’s kind of sort of remembering that there was something she wanted to talk to him about. Maybe when she gets back to NYC, she’ll remember what it was.

    Crank is going to re-invent the ‘tin plate on the pole’ trick that squirrels have been beating for years. Either that, or he’s going to use his bus to make road pizza of the doughty little pests.

    Crock – Ha ha, government, am I right fellas?

    Beetle – These weapon improvements will make warfare more horrific than ever. CLOSE GIZMO NOW!!

    Pluggers can’t be arsed to look at the seams on their shirts, and we’re supposed to sympathize.

  51. Illustrator Steve, the new \\
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    (My comment #44) That new ‘handle’ was supposed to read “Illustrator Steve, the newest HIPSTER* in town!”, but something went wrong with the posting.

    *”Hipster”, refering to my new HIP. “HIPSTER”, Get it? ….well, I, at least, found it funny. Maybe not as funny as watching Mark Trail make a fool of himself. Maybe not as funny as when Mary Worth almost got mugged, but still, funny.

  52. Arabella
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    A3G: “…while I nail his first pair of shoes on. What do YOU think, the beige nubuck or the black patent?”

  53. Randy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Since when do Pluggers wash their shirts?

  54. Illustrator Steve, the newest HIPSTER in town
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Love is – Letting him have his cake and eat it while watching from a safe distance as he digs into the ketchup you poured under the ice cream.

  55. I speak Jive
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Jumble – I love how the guitars are exactly right, and how two of the guitarists are right-handed and one is left-handed. Jumble devoted to the Beatles are always terrific.

  56. Illustrator Steve, the newest HIPSTER in town
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    9 Chickweed Lane/MT – Could somebody please ask McEldowney to contact TRMT for permission to send those nazis over to Pelican Point after their done with their gig in his strip? The Pelican Point Sheriff, Coast Guard, National Guard along with Sea Turtles everywhere would surely welcome their help in their search for Mark Trail!

  57. Hibbleton
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    A3G: I guess when you draw nothing below the waist it’s easy to forget horses have four legs.

  58. I speak Jive
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    That should be “Jumbles.” Trying to type on a tablet with auto-correct.

    Pluggers – I call BS. Pluggers don’t own any shirts newer than 15 years old.

  59. Missal
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Funky: Wait a minute! Crankshaft used to play for the Toledo Mud Hens? And he’s not adored to this day by tens of hundreds of fans? No wonder he throws fits…

  60. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @Everything Is Better with Monkeys (#41): Luann – I don’t get the Quill and Gunther comments. Quill is actually a cardboard cutout without personality or sexual organs or desires.

    In other words, the perfect boyfriend for a complete narcissist such as Luann. And yet, still, he seems more compatible with Gunther. He has actually talked to Gunther about his (Quill’s) background and feelings. I doubt Luann even knows his last name, or what town in Australia he is from. Somehow, she never had time to ask in between all the “I feel….”, “I want….”, and “You need too….”. Being a beard is hard work!

    @TheDiva (#42): Re: Pibgorn – Whatever she is wearing, it is just another in a series of pin-up shots of our underage protagonist. I’d have expected Brooke to take liberties with the age of the characters in order to avoid this continuing interruption to his onaistic desires. It would destroy the context that these characters act this way because they are just now reaching puberty, but since when has Brooke let story get in the way of depicting ugly, chinless women with hot legs?

  61. Perky Bird
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Would a Plugger even care if he put his shirt on backwards?

  62. Mikey
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    ASM- So terminal free fall velocity for a human in a random position is about 120 mph. In a bullet like position humans can reach a maximum of 210 mph. I can’t believe that swinging in the taint drying position would really exceed either of these velocities. ‘Iron Jonah’ doesn’t need to fly at the speed of sound (760mph) to catch Spiderman, so I can only conclude he’s going to knock him unconscious with the sonic boom as the suit explodes. Win-win in my book.

  63. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Love Is-I would rather eat pie if you know what I mean.

  64. Marc
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Luann- “The trouble with most marriages is communication. Too much communication.” –Marriage advice by Homer Simpson and Greg Evans.

    Funky- Oh my God, who fucking cares?

    A3G- So we’ve forgotten all about the deer again haven’t we?

  65. Illustrator Steve, the newest HIPSTER in town
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    MT – (Panel #2 – the great rescue flight operation):
    “Sir?”
    “Yes, Petty Officer.”
    “Sir, we’ve been circling Pelican Point for five hours now, we only have twenty minutes of fuel left, it’s almost 4:pm and we are completely out of peanut butter and crackers. Can we please head back to base now, sir?”

    “Sorry, Sailor. We must, at all costs, keep looking for the famous wilderness writer and environmentalist who goes by the name of Mark Trail … that is unless you can convince me of a good enough reason why we shouldn’t.”

    “Sir, the Judge Judy TV show comes on in fifteen minutes.”

    “Warrant Officer Smith, TURN THIS CHOPPER AROUND AND HEAD BACK TO BASE IMMEDIATELY!!”

  66. Illustrator Steve, the newest HIPSTER in town
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    MT –
    Fine for poaching sea turtle eggs …. $500.00

    Charges for trespassing, breaking and entering, ransacking private business records, defamation of caracter, making criminal accusations without evidence, criminal threatening and more … 30 months in LoFo prison and $25,000.00 fine.

    But, who will come out on top at the end of all of this? Mark of course.

  67. Marthra
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: “Hey man, just gettin’ my tree on, is all. Nothing wrong with that. Trees come from, like, the earth, so they’re safe. They’re not addictive, either, unlike everything else. You need to mellow out, man. Hey, did that bird just say something?!”

    Pluggers: As if that’s not enough, how come their tee-shirts keep shrinking after a certain number of washes? That bear-man insists that this is true, and his weight has nothing to do with it, he’ll have you know.

  68. agony
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#40): I’ve been sitting here trying to remember the first time I heard a vanishing cream joke – 1960? And my mom explaining it to me and telling me that “vanishing cream” was what they used to call face cream back in the old days. Looking up the history of cosmetics, it seems vanishing creams more or less vanished from the scene by the late 1930s. Their heyday – that is, the last time this joke would have been even mildly funny – was the 1920s.

    The 1920s, Shoe – this is 2014!

  69. Doctor Handsome
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    “He used to throw pitches and get bitches. Now he gets itches and craps britches.”

  70. Odie Odo
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Snarky Parker (#2): Everyone knows Red Angus is just being bullish about one of his cash cows.

    Hoot Mon, “Red Angus” is a vegan from Vladikavkaz. He’s also a member of the Russian Mafia.

  71. Dood
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: “You must have had a close relative who played baseball, too. Lemme guess, Hawk Harrelson?”

  72. Uncle Lumpy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#70):

    He’s also a member of the Russian Mafia.

    … and holds the rank of colonel.

  73. Uncle Lumpy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Myrtle (#33):

    I’d forgotten about that – I believe you’re right! So it’s like visiting another time zone: nobody cares what time it is back home, so stop telling everybody how tired you are.

  74. Doctor Handsome
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Wow, Gizmo’s like a one-man steampunk DARPA. I hope he gets killed, the hipster fuck.

  75. White Rabbit
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    People ask me why I read 9 Chickweed Lane, when I think it’s so awful, comparable to the films of Coleman Francis. I tell them, every day when I look at GoComics, I get a feeling of anticipation, of excitement, of exaltation, you might say, a feeling that today’s strip can’t possibly be as bad as yesterday’s. But, so far…

  76. Elk Meadow
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @Day Late Dollar Short (#25):

    A plugger would also use the front pocket or, in its absence, food stains.

  77. Marthra
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Lu-bland: Toni wanting “simple” is also the reason she picked Brad for a mate.

  78. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve, the new \\ (#51): I kind of like that. It’s mysterious, enigmatic, even menacing. “Illustrator Steve, the new backslash backslash”. I wouldn’t mess with that dude, no way!

  79. Elk Meadow
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve, the newest HIPSTER in town (#65):

    I heard that in the Penguins’ voices from the “Madagascar” movies.

  80. Doctor Handsome
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    “After only a few washings.” So, like five or six years? These are pluggers we’re talking about.

  81. Elk Meadow
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Luann: So Nancy is encouraging Brad to have a small wedding for Toni’s sake, and Frank is trying to get Toni to give in to Brad’s choice.

    My brain is beyond begging for brain bleach and simply wants to heave.

  82. Odie Odo
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @agony (#68): The 1920s, Shoe — this is 2014!

    One of the “Shoe” jokemeisters once wrote gags for Bob Hope — and that joke killed when Bob first used it on his radio show back in 1939.

  83. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    MW-The hypocrisy of what Wilbur is saying just angers. Sure he isn’t comfortable about Iris supporting herself and her son but what about his situation with his daughter Dawn. It’s the same thing.

    MT-”A nature writer has gathered evidence that someone is poaching turtle eggs. Quick let’s drop all other cases and get out there quick. This is so important we need to take the helicopter.”

    MT-”I wonder what that was all about? Oh well let me get back to killing this hooker.”

  84. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#62): …terminal free fall velocity for a human…

    I’d ask you to cite your authorities for this interesting information, but I’m a little afraid to ask.

    // Mikey, throwing people off skyscrapers, out of airplanes, radar gun in his hand… for Science!

  85. Joe Blevins
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    SHOE: How much would it suck to be a character in a gag-a-day comic strip? Take poor Roz here. She spends her life behind the counter of what seems to be a pretty awful restaurant, serving fatty, greasy food to a bunch of whiny, schlubby losers. She’s approaching a “certain age,” and she’s maybe a little self-conscious about her appearance. So she makes a modest step towards feeling better about herself and takes the great risk of asking for feedback from someone she knows. She’s really putting herself on the line, and what does she get? Basically a joke about how ugly she is. And you can tell by her expression that this one really stung, because she doesn’t do that heavy-lidded Garfield/Marvin thing with her eyes. So fuck you, whoever writes Shoe now, for doing this to one of your characters.

    PLUGGERS: *murderous rage, murderous rage, murderous t-shirt-related rage*

    BB: Gizmo is just a hyper-evolved Zero, correct?

  86. Little Blue Bicycle
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    FW/C: Most people would proudly put granddad’s minor league portrait out on display. Crankshaft’s family loves him so much that they hide it in the attic. That Batiuk thinks that’s normal says a lot.

  87. Doctor Handsome
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    “I can still see your face. Which means the moonshine in this coffee mug isn’t working either.”

  88. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#72): Sergeant Colonel, actually.

    // He’s married to a Frazetta Martian Princess.

  89. Borborygmy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:20 am [Reply]

  90. Congo Bill Bailey
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:21 am [Reply]

  91. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#89): I’m big-boned, damn it! Come closer, little man. Want to see my kitty?

  92. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Luann-”We had to have a small wedding because I was pregnant with you, Brad.”

  93. Downpuppy, MA (=f)
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#62): Since Spidey caught a falling girder from above while swinging balls out sideways, you might need to adjust your physics.

  94. Poteet
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:28 am [Reply]

  95. Joshua
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Luann: Toni and Brad do not know enough people to have a big wedding! If they invited the entire cast of the strip, it would still be considered a small wedding. And if you remove from consideration Luann’s friends who are not part of Toni and Brad’s social circle, you could probably fit all the guests at a single table.

  96. Congo Bill Bailey
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#92): “We had to have a small wedding because I was pregnant with you, Brad.”

    Which DeGroot are you quoting: Nancy or Frank?

  97. Mikey
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    MT- Trying to get evidence on a poacher?!!! There’s no time for us to look!! Get on the horn to Space Command and have all spy satellites focus on Pelican Point!! Do it NOW, Dammitt!!! Give me that radio!! Bunny Hutch!!, Come In!! This is Monkey Wrench!! Deploy Seal Team Six to Pelican Point immediately!! Repeat, immediately!!! Now get those ICBM’s warmed up in the bull pen and find a sea turtle expert!!! Move!! Dammit!! Move !!!

  98. Jim in Wisc.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Crappy Depressingbean + Krankenschäft: He used to throw pitches, now he just throws his lime Jell-O at the nurses in the old folks’ home. Yeah, he’s always been that kind of an asshole.

  99. Poteet
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    MT: I’m hearing the music from the climactic embassy-evacuation scene of MISS SAIGON. Take me with you, take my children!

  100. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Sarge is taken aback because hidden in the frills on the gun’s butt is a travel vagina. For the Soldier on the Go!

  101. Admiral Ackbar
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Barbarian Princess of Mars (#91): Don’t do it, Borborygmy! It’s a trap!

  102. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-”Sarge, do you also want to see what I did with the bullets. Take a look down the barrel.”

  103. Cathy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:37 am [Reply]

  104. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:38 am [Reply]

  105. Poteet
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    MT: Given the very large amounts of time and effort that it often takes to get sufficient evidence for illegal wildlife-product trafficking charges, I must admit that part of me is really enjoying this fast dramatic wrapup complete with copter. Take THAT, sea turtle egg destroyer! To hell with those many months of undercover buys and paperwork!

  106. Ned Ryerson
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    How does the Amazing Spiderman swing?
    Let me count the ways:

    @Mikey (#62): in the taint drying position
    @Downpuppy, MA (=f) (#93): balls out sideways

    I’ll add: Air scooting

  107. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Cathy (#103): You’re pretty big-boned yourself, missy. Hey, want to go out for Cinnebons?

  108. Cathy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:42 am [Reply]

  109. Borborygmy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Cathy (#108): Well, there’s the start of a beautiful friendship.

    // Down, kitty!

  110. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#109): Heaven help us! Cathy/Frazetta Barbarian Princess slashfic.

    // The End Times have come!

  111. SF_Reader
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    I’ve been out of the country for a while, when did pluggers start changing their underwear?

  112. the REAL Mark Trail
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    HANK G.

    This is in response to your message from yesterday ….

    This story was indeed done by me… under Jack’s watchful eye. My name will appear on the strip Friday, April 11th.

  113. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Shoe-Looks like Loon is going to be the special of the day.

  114. Snarky Parker
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#90): Oh, there’s no doubt in my mind — Shoe’s Doug Gamble IS a versatile writer. Hell, he even ghosted “The Vagina Monologues” for Eve Ensler!

  115. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Pluggers-That has happened to me. I have a long sleeve t-shirt where the label has faded and I can’t tell what was the front and what was the back.

  116. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    FW-”He used to throw pitches now he just tells bad puns.”

  117. Rambling Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#110): Cathy/Frazetta Barbarian Princess slashfic.

    Which reminds me of a folk song… Ack! Down kitty!

  118. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Mattel’s worst selling action figure: The Wilbur Weston Doll, the only one with patented Kung-Fu Canapé Grip!

  119. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#112): Fulgent!

    // Note to Ramblin’: Write folk song for James on the eleventh!

  120. David
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    I thought that “Pluggers” was supposed to affirm the opinions and attitudes of the aging middle-class, but here it is claiming that its own target audience is too stupid to dress itself. A recaption could read: “After wearing t-shirts for decades, in which they have put them on and taken them off thousands of times, Pluggers still can’t tell the front from the back without explicit instructions.”

  121. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    MW-”It’s a burden I’m willing to carry like Dawn is your burden to carry.”

  122. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    MW-Wilbur keep shoveling that sandwich into your fat mouth maybe there won’t be enough room in it for your hypocritical words to get out.

  123. Dan
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: apparently subject to entropy.

  124. Jim in Wisc.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Doonesbury: Phred the Live Terrorist, meet Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

    Zits: Ah yes,the Digital Generation. Their self-worth is measured by how much interest complete strangers show toward their social media profiles.

    Retail: Grumbel’s could always kidnap people off the street and force them at gunpoint to shop in their stores and sign up for credit cards. Actually, there may well be a few retail chains in the real world that would do that if they thought they could get away with it.

    Garfield: Oh man, today’s Garfield would make a truly gruesome Garfield Minus Garfield.

  125. Angry Horse's Agent
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Angry Horse (#12):

    Equus, Equus, Equus. We went over that in the conference call last week. They’re going to be using *stunt* nails — like the stunt swords that retract but look real to the viewer. Actually, the “shoes” are light plastic and are going to be attached with velcro. It’s Hollywood, baby!

  126. bats :[
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#1): great minds!
    Oh, and I really have to take this comic out of my rotation. Really. When it’s easier to snark than Family Circus…

  127. Mikey
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#84): True, you really don’t want to know. It was a long time ago. Suffice to say it was dark, lucrative, and involved sea turtles.

  128. Shrug
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#28):

    “MW: So, despite holding their sandwiches up to their faces yesterday, they still haven’t taken any bites yet?”

    Yes, Wilbur and Iris are practicing Tantric Sandwich.

  129. bats :[
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#119): that bag o’ sea turtle eggs is a thing of beauty. *snif* I’m so glad you’re carrying on the tradition of great illustration!

  130. Fritz G
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    A plugger’s wife never has a problem telling which side of her t-shirt is which. The front is the side that reads “I’m With Stupid”.

  131. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#129): Show, don’t tell is my motto!

  132. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#100): A travel vagina? Is there some new TSA regulation that makes one of those necessary, or am I okay with my regular “home version”?

  133. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#127): “…and besides, the wench is dead.”

    Yep. Understood.

  134. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve, the newest HIPSTER in town (#65): Heh! You REALLY were in the Navy, weren’t you?

  135. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#132): You don’t want to know about travel penises.

    // They never fit right, they pinch, and they make your pants look funny.

  136. Shrug
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#135):

    And while the little descending roller wheels make them easier to lug from airport gate to airport gate, they do cause the penis to look funny.

  137. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#136): I have the SAME problem with my pants!

  138. Angry Horse
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Angry Horse’s Agent (#125): Uh, OK, OK. But does that “call me Jack” fake vet and the dumb redhead who smells like deer crap know that? Those Mark Trail stand-in gigs are sounding pretty good now.

  139. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#110): Cathy/Frazetta Barbarian Princess slashfic.

    How I wish I had the GIMP chops to illustrate that!

    // Bats?

  140. Uncle Lumpy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#112):

    My name will appear on the strip Friday, April 11th.

    I bet your rival Harrison Stackpoole still wonders why he didn’t get the gig!

  141. Ken's Orange Overcoat
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    It’s even worse than you think, Josh. “Vanishing creams” were so called because they didn’t sit on top of the skin like cold cream and remain visible. Yes. Cold cream. As in the moisturizer of the 1930′s and 40′s. Nobody since the 1960′s has used that term because for the past 50 years or so, moisturizers “soak in” and vanish. So, it’s not only a stupid joke but an outrageously outdated one, too.

  142. Long time lurker
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Surely they missed the joke in FW today. “He used pitch, now he just pitches fits”??? what’s funny about it as written – it’s not even word play. Do you actually throw pitches? ‘Pitch’ is a verb … I hate FW.

  143. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Long time lurker (#142): It’s sort of a zeugma, technically.

  144. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#1):

    If that one dies she’ll just unthaw another one.

  145. Perky Bird
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    @Ken’s Orange Overcoat (#141): Thanks for that explanation! I always thought they were called “vanishing creams” because they made wrinkles and other blemishes “vanish.” And for the record, I NEVER thought they made your face vanish, in spite of how hard all those cartoons tried to convince me otherwise! Everyone knows that in order to make yourself disappear, you have to douse yourself with invisible ink. Duh!

  146. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    Beetle: Ooh, clean the shaft of that gun. Oh yes! Rub in that gun oil. Ooh, rub it in! Up and down, yes, yes YES!

  147. tallyHO
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @Marthra (#67):
    Heathcliff:
    Okay, Mrs. Nutmeg is worried (I don’t know why. Heathcliff routinely leaves the house in his own car or as a cannonball.)
    The fireman seems hesitant to make a move towards saving him.
    The bird is narrating.
    Heathcliff is supine, sanguine, serine.

    Note to all of those folks who make new comics out of existing ones using the photoshop or whatever:
    Heathcliff could be anywhere and be that blissed out.

  148. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#132): Post-9/11, I don’t know. I just don’t know.

    @Shrug (#136): Ha ha HA!

  149. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Here’s how you tell. What’s left of the faded Whitesnake logo is in the front.

  150. yaoi huntress earth
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#42): Not to mention that he’s made Juliette even more unlikable by having her not really care that her cousin was killed.

  151. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Garfield: Hilarious, Jon’s face turns into … .what the hell is that? It’s just a gaping space where he once had some semblance of facial features. Did he properly use vanishing cream?

  152. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”But if done wrong it can really hurt the person doing the shoeing.”

  153. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Funky: Could be worse. Punchline could have been “He used to throw balls, now he just throws up – - from CANCER treatments!

    “He used to drive a bus, now he drives us crazy.”
    “He used to get it on with grandma, now he just gets on her nerves.”
    “People used to like him, now he’s an asshole. Oh, was I supposed to wordplay there?”

  154. tallyHO
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    Aw, hell naw!

    Lookit Doc’s face with its knowing smirk. He knows exactly what’s going on!

    Now, I don’t know if what Doc knows is that when Mark encounters the officer, the facial hair will blind Mark to the fact that he’s wearing a badge, too.

    I don’t know if Doc is masterminding some aspect of this whole scenario. Does Doc have a sea turtle addiction we know nothing about?

    I don’t know if he just wishes to be left alone to watch his pay-per-view at the motel. Is he watching “The Days of Wine and Nookie”?

    But, he’s up to something! I do know that much!

    As for the Coast Guard…if Mark has a reputation on the coast for getting into trouble, you think he would have gotten in touch with the authorities before he started his breaking and entering routine. You’d think.

    But, nooooooo. Not Mark! He don’t wait for “seach warrants” and searches done by the “proper authorities”! That’s chicken scratch nonsense to him! His form of lone wolf/nosy neighbor Gladys Cravitch Justice works just fine, in his mind!

  155. tallyHO
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#154):
    He don’t wait for “seach warrants” and searches done by the “proper authorities”!
    The proper authorities would start by searching for the missing letter R….

  156. TheDiva
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#86): This is Crankshaft we’re talking about here–of course his family wants to bury all evidence of his hateful, toxic presence in their lives. Hell, I’m surprised they didn’t torch his memorabilia in a celebratory bonfire the day they dropped him in the home.

    @Poteet (#99): Thanks, now I’m going to have that stuck in my head all day too.

    // They’ll kill who they find here! Don’t leave us behind here!

  157. Wool Worth
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: No, no, no. This is all wrong. Someone like Iris would never be seen eating with Wilbur never mind being his potential love interest. She should be dating some NASCAR driver or someone like Biff in the bad future in Back to the Future II. Wilbur should be dating that aggressively civic minded, eccentric lady who runs that odd B & B in your town; not that romantic inn by the sea, but the one on the hill with way too many tchochkes, and that smells like cheap potpourri, mildew, dust, and sometimes just a whiff of cat pee.

  158. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Yeah, kids lived dangerously back then. There were no airbags, no anti-lock brakes, no crumple zones and gas tanks could get punctured and spill fuel all over. When a car crashed, you could get splattered all over the insides even if you did wear a seatbelt. Yeah, that’s why I never gave up my ’74 station wagon. Yessir. Make the kids unknowingly take huge risks with their lives. Ha ha, danger! I’ll dive 85 miles per hour on this country road while looking to one side! Woo-hoo, feels like we caught some air on that last hill! Fuck safety! What’s it ever done for you??

  159. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Garfield-And this was the last time anyone ever saw John Arbuckle alive.

  160. TheDiva
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#150): Well, that much is consistent with Shakespeare’s text. It’s a toss-up whether he recognizes what a selfish twit Juliet’s being or if he thinks we should empathize with her, though.

  161. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Tomorrow, against all expectations, the story gets even stupider. I’ll bet the other Nazis are shooting their captain, not the French Burber. They will have been waiting for the chance to do so, for the reasons.

    Pluggers: Hey! I have a shirt where the label has faded, making it hard to tell the front from the back. Sometimes it takes up to 2 seconds to tell! Quit oppressing me!

  162. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    MT: That copter is just providing air cover for the armada of watercraft following behind. They will lay siege to the island of Marlin and suffer many casualties, but there’s an alleged poaching, so it is completely justified! The first casualty, of course, is plausibility. Coherency suffered a horrible wound, and is en route to a medical room on one of the ships. Idiocy is unhurt, and in fact, energized as he bravely marches on.

  163. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#160): Toss up? She’s a female protagonist in a McEldowney strip! Acting like a seflish twit is her most endearing trait. Theoretically.

  164. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#161): 9CL: Tomorrow, against all expectations, the story gets even stupider. I’ll bet the other Nazis are shooting their captain, not the French Burber.

    Crap, you are right. Of course that is what is happening. For the reasons.

  165. Arabella
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#35): @Elk Meadow (#76): re Pluggers: Yes, front pockets. That’s the answer. Or as Mr. A would say, where else would one put their pens, pocket protector, and smart phone stylus?

  166. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    MW:
    Wilbur: You’re supporting your son even though you have no income!
    Iris: You support your daughter and you gave up your income so you could make clumsy attempts at romance. And as long as we’re being judgmental, you’re fat.

  167. Jessy S.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#95): Your reasoning assumes that Frank and Nancy’s families are small. That is not the case despite the strip’s “small” cast of characters. Outside of that cast, the Degroot family is actually pretty large beyond the grandparents. I’ve looked through the strip’s archives and there is a Aunt Vickie who gave her Puddles as a Christmas present toward the end of the strip’s first year calendar year.

    Also, the Degroots tend to hold a family reunion around the July 4th weekend. Since July 4th is on a Friday, Brad is thinking of July 5th as the wedding date with the rehearsal dinner to be followed by fireworks the previous night.

    Then we need to add in the friends including those who just happen to be firefighters, and is something that both Brad and Toni want.

    Finally we need to add in the attendants for both sides. Shannon will most likely be the flower girl while Toni will have her bridesmaids. On the flip side, TJ will be Brad’s best man and attendants on both sides will likely be from the firefighting community.

    That was Brad’s brain, now onto Toni’s.

    She wants a small wedding, and her thinking is that she wants to invite family members, but it is just their friends, members of the firefighting community and close family. She may also want the wedding to be held in the fall, maybe late October or early November.

    Whatever the case, Brad and Luann need to meet Toni’s parents, which could happen next week. And I am including Luann because she is going to need to know Brad’s mother and father in-law.

    Regardless, Luann will be needing an escort to this wedding. Who will it be? I don’t know for sure, but Quill will likely fit the bill.

  168. Jessy S.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Ken’s Orange Overcoat (#141): Look at the comic. In this case, Roz says she tried a new type of vanishing cream.

  169. Hank G.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#115):

    Pluggers-That has happened to me. I have a long sleeve t-shirt where the label has faded and I can’t tell what was the front and what was the back.

    Of course, you could tell by that seam that runs from the neck to the sleeve…

  170. Hank G.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#69):

    “He used to throw pitches and get bitches. Now he gets itches and craps britches.”

    Made me literally laugh out loud. Gets my vote for COTW.

  171. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#165):I won’t buy a shirt without a front pocket, although they are getting harder to find, due to, I think, the decline in adult smoking.

    // I quit smoking decades ago, and would never take it up again. If I had to carry a pack of cigarettes in my front pocket, where would I put my notebook, pens, etc. etc.?

  172. AhClem
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#97):

    MT- Trying to get evidence on a poacher?!!! There’s no time for us to look!! Get on the horn to Space Command and have all spy satellites focus on Pelican Point!! Do it NOW, Dammitt!!! Give me that radio!! Bunny Hutch!!, Come In!! This is Monkey Wrench!! Deploy Seal Team Six to Pelican Point immediately!! Repeat, immediately!!! Now get those ICBM’s warmed up in the bull pen and find a sea turtle expert!!! Move!! Dammit!! Move !!!

    And if none of that works, get me the hot line to Spencer Farms. If anybody can find the poacher, it’s Sophie and her magic Google Earth machine!

  173. Borborygmy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#171): I quit smoking decades ago, and would never take it up again. If I had to carry a pack of cigarettes in my front pocket, where would I put my notebook, pens, etc. etc.?

    Plus, with the price of tobacco, you couldn’t afford shirts.

  174. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Eureka! I just remembered! Wilbur Weston’s hoagie grip in panel one reminds me of how Pablo Neruda held his tortas.

  175. Cloudbuster
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

  176. Cloudbuster
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#171): If I had to carry a pack of cigarettes in my front pocket, where would I put my notebook, pens, etc. etc.?

    In your slide rule pouch?

  177. Dennis Jimenez
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#174): It’s not so much the artistic rendition, but I’m seeing him careening over a cliff clutching the sammy, like Aldo and his bottle (to wit: http://maryworthandme.blogspot.com/2007/09/in-memorium-aldo-kelrast.html )….

  178. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#176): Wait, is that the same as a travel vagina? I’m having a hard time keeping up here.

  179. Angry Horse's Agent
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Angry Horse (#138):

    Not to worry, Equuy, kiddo. I’ve arranged for a couple of my people with stun guns to be lying below wait level, and thus offcamera. If either Jack or “Red” gets stupid enough to reach for real hammer and nails or do anything equally stupid/dangerous, we zap them before you get hurt. Standard contract terms.

    ///What? Well, yes, “standard” when dealing with the idiots in A3G. They’re used to clauses like that by now — hey, some casting companies won’t work with them at all ever since the “bomb in the closet” fiasco, which is why they’ve gone over almost completely to using monocolor cardboard cutouts for incidental characters in crowd scenes.

  180. Hank G.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Of course, they could be more accord than they realize, like that frequency of sex joke in Annie Hall.

    Brad: I want a big wedding, like 100 people!
    Toni: I want a small wedding, say only 100 people.

  181. Angry Horse's Agent
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Angry Horse’s Agent (#179):

    “waist level,” not “wait level.” Heh heh — sorry about that; usually I have my people give the note a once-over before I send it off, but they were tied up double checking the PHANTOM contract we signed on behalf of our blond chickie talent. (She’s not happy about bringing the Wambesi in on the plot again — claims she still has a headache from their bopping stick last month.)

  182. Hank G.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#171):

    I quit smoking decades ago, and would never take it up again. If I had to carry a pack of cigarettes in my front pocket, where would I put my notebook, pens, etc. etc.?

    In my day, the badasses carried their cigarette packs rolled up in their sleeves.

  183. Nancy Silberkleit
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#100), @Snarky Parker (#114): VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA!

  184. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#177): Waaaaahhh! I miss Aldo.

  185. Nancy Silberkleit
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#135), @Shrug (#136): PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!

  186. Horace Broon
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Now call me Jack”, he intones, and all Tommie can do is mutter “okay”. Apparently the reason no-one in Happiness Falls has a bad word to say about Jack Riley is that they’re all terrified of the weirdo.

    ASM: “Do what I say, Brody, or I’ll fire you! I assume I can do that and Stark will honour it, since he never indicated I couldn’t!”

    FW: It’s okay for us to be happy about Crank ranting away in Bedside Manor; he’s a fictional character to us. I’m less sure about how smirky Mindy is about it. Then again, it is Crankshaft. Forget I said anything.

    HtH: Why does Hagar specify “live” music? Does the taven have millennium-ahead-of-its-time recording technology, or does he prefer Wednesdays, when the draugar of long-gone skalds rise from their graves to perform dead music?

    Phantom: Are they … are they going to claim that she hasn’t woken up since they hit her with the stick? Because that was at least a day ago, even in strip time. Either she’ll notice the time difference, or they’ll have to claim she was unconscious for 24 hours, which will not work out well for them when she sues them for hitting her with the stick.

  187. Alison
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: Iris has crazy drugged-out eyes in that last panel, and she also has aged by 50 years. This is what being Wilbur Weston’s friend does to you.

    Considering Wilbur is too lazy to keep up with the light workload of “Dear Wendy” and has given it to his neighbour to write, he should really stop criticizing other people for not having jobs.

  188. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Hey, do you think you could put some of those shoes on my Lily? She’s a girl, so do they come in high heel? Pink?

  189. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#178): Heh heh heh.

    @Nancy Silberkleit (#183): Lady bits cheerleading. You found exactly what this thread needed.

    @Nancy Silberkleit (#185): Man bits cheerleading. Symmetry achieved.

    @Alison (#187): COTW-worthy!

  190. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#182): In my day, the badasses carried their cigarette packs rolled up in their sleeves.

    Man, get with the times! Today’s badasses wouldn’t be caught dead wearing something so establishment as sleeves man!

    http://joshreads.com/?p=385#mary

  191. hogenmogen
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    A3G: And if we do-se-do this way, the car turns into a horse. Sort of a backwards step. Maybe we’re not doing this right.

  192. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#178): Hah, ha, ouch! Oh, Lacey, OMG, I think I ruptured something.

    // What did you do with that slide rule I gave you? No!!! Don’t tell me.

  193. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#182): You ever try that? Drops out everytime. And with the price of cigs…

  194. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Nancy Silberkleit (#183): @Nancy Silberkleit (#183): So, what I think you are saying is that the thought of Albert Camus is still relevant to the youth of today?

  195. Dr. Mabuse
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    A Funky Winkerbean/Crankshaft crossover?! A Plugger in underpants?!? Is it comics sweeps week?

  196. Odie Odo
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Snarky Parker (#114): I assume that this is the same Doug Gamble who wrote the coming-of-age novels “It Rhymes with Rock” and “Venus with a Penis.”

  197. Dr. Mabuse
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Citizens, don’t ever let someone lure you up into their attic, especially not under the pretense of free comic books. “The comic books are just a little further. . . back there in the far part of the crawl space. . . maybe you can reach it better. . . ” then, BAM, and not-as-blonde-as-the-other-lady ends up on the auction block in Qatar!

  198. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nancy Silberkleit (#185): …more than ever!

  199. Borborygmy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#193): You ever try that? Drops out every time.

    Are we still talking travel vaginas here?

  200. Dennis Jimenez
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. Mabuse (#197): I wanted to play the Qatar – I thought it would help me get girls, too….

  201. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    So, this travel vagina walked into Barsoom…

  202. Rambling Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#200): Cheerio, my deario! You are far better off with a uke!

    // Avoid theremins! I don’t know why, but they are chick repellents.

  203. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Barbarian Princess of Mars (#201): An’ den? An’ den? AN’ DEN! (finish the story, please)

  204. Odie Odo
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#200): It’s funny because “Qatar” sounds like a musical instrument. Emirate?

  205. Another Kiwi
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: God the ennui of Camp Swampy! Normally bellicose and curmudgeonly Sarge is reduced to wandering the barracks asking (ASKING!, he’s the Sarge shouldn’t he be shouting?) if weirdo Gizmo has cleaned his rifle.
    “‘Cause, if you haven’t I’d be happy to help you”
    We just missed Beetle telling Sarge to take a hike, “I’m cleaning it myself, jackass”

  206. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#203): Cool yer jets, dude!

    So the Barsoomtender says, “You know this is a gay bar, right?”

  207. Baka Gaijin
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

  208. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Barbarian Princess of Mars (#206): It was supposed to be funny? What, you think I’m Marmaduke or Family Circus or something? I’m a Frazetta slightly overweight sex symbol for-crying-out-loud!

  209. Dale
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    BEETLE BAILEY

    If this strip were in the present decade, Gizmo’s rifle would fit right in.

    PLUGGERS

    If you can’t tell the front from the back (or the inside from the outside), it would even out the wear.
    If you fold your clean laundry, there would be no time wasted making decisions.

  210. John Carter of Storrs
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @Barbarian Princess of Mars (#201):

    The babe upon the Barsoom floor
    I’d rather be than dull once more.
    We’re here,
    Bring on the beer.
    Who cares, we’ll be sober tomorrow.
    Here’s a toast to old ERB!

  211. Liam
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    FW-”Don’t mind those. That’s my grandfather’s collection of dead squirrels.”

  212. Dr. Mabuse
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#200): Yeah? Well did you know you’re not supposed to put your tongue in the French horn? They should call it something else, then, if you ask me.

  213. greghousesgf
    April 3rd, 2014 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal—-”That woman”? Who is she talking about? H & J apparently aren’t satisfied with making all products, movies, etc, generic, now they have to do it to the characters in the strip?

  214. Borborygmy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Barbarian Princess of Mars (#208): ” I’m a Frazetta slightly overweight sex symbol for-crying-out-loud!”

    Overweight? Never, dearikins! You are curvy! Have some more Cinnebons. Now, tell me about your kitties. How cute! And you can ride on them?

  215. John Carter of Storrs
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#196): It’s the same Doug Gamble who inspired Harlequin Ellis to write the classic sci-fi short story “I Have No Shirt Pocket, and I Must Scream.”

  216. Avoiding the Madding Crowd
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#149): Whitesnake? If it were a Whitesnake logo the shirt would have belonged to one of his children. Now, if it were a Lawrence Welk logo…

  217. Peanut Gallery
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#110): “Who designs these bronze swimsuits?? They are trying to make me look fat and feel insecure!”

  218. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#214): Dearikins? Are you trying to patronize me? No, way… You do have nice biceps — work out? Well, sure, come around here, behind the “Weird old trick” side bar, you think I’m pretty? honest, I never…? No, really…

  219. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#217): @Barbarian Princess of Mars (#218): My, how convenient. Is that a scimitar in your scabbard? May I touch the handle?

  220. demoncat_4
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    mw speaking of kids.wilbur what is dawn up to now a days like is she still around or did mary decide to have her gone since she would not follow her commands. rmmd looks like june is finaly starting to think that something is up the way sarah is so chumy with kelly including wanting her to sit with her time to have a chat with kelly and nickie.

  221. Majicou
    April 3rd, 2014 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @John Carter of Storrs (#215): I remember that guy. The tick-tock man kept telling him to repent.

  222. Droopy Says
    April 3rd, 2014 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#106): How does the Amazing Spiderman swing?
    Let me count the ways:

    @Mikey (#62): in the taint drying position
    @Downpuppy, MA (=f) (#93): balls out sideways

    I’ll add: Air scooting

    Skidwriting.

  223. Joshua
    April 3rd, 2014 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Jessy S. (#167): I think my irony-detector needs some fine-tuning.

  224. Hank G.
    April 3rd, 2014 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#193): Never smoked; never hung out with badasses.

  225. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 3rd, 2014 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    BB: Sarge always knew that one of these days he’d push one of his men too far and they’d snap and kill him. Killer seemed like a good bet, but it turned out that he loved life and sex and freedom too much to risk it. Zero, maybe. But Sarge never counted on it being the geek with a bootleg disintegrator ray.

    FW: “He wouldn’t stop trying to use the grill, so we had his thumbs cut off.”

  226. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    April 3rd, 2014 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    Enough! ENOUGH! I’ve had it with this comic book excreta! Who cares about Floosie buying comics for her ne’er-do-well son? This has NOTHING to do with Les. (Fortunately he never got into that foolishness.) And what of Les? How is he, what’s going on in his life? That she-devil wife could have locked him in the attic for all we know. This inattention to our hero is inexcusable.

    However, my employment situation is looking up. I will be doing a temporary consultation with Mark Trail, Inc., helping out the “new guy.” They think he has picked up some bad habits under his previous tutelage, and would like for me to help correct them. We’ll be working on excessive bolding, stilted language, and improper word balloon placement. I hope this turns out better than my sojourn at Keane Enterprises!

    Our course I would still prefer to be back teaching alongside dear Les at Westview High. That’s perhaps Not to Be, but I can always dream…

    Nostalgically yours,
    Susan Smith, President

  227. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 3rd, 2014 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    WofI: My sympathies. It looks like Spook wasn’t just breaking out of the dungeon, but breaking into the palace. That’s ballsy.

    9CL: In a very educational day for Bill, he learns the German phrase for “suicide by cop.”

    Archie: Archie has gotten far enough with Veronica often enough to know that Leroy isn’t the only squirter in the family.

    JP: You can tell that things are getting serious because Abbot’s glasses are becoming transparent.

    RMMD: You don’t get a frozen face and a glassy stare from drinking a good cup of coffee. Good something, maybe, but not coffee.

    GA: This does end with Voltaro turning Skeezix into a Manchurian candidate and sending him to kill Slim, right? That’s the possibility that keeps me reading.

    Phantom: “But it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you… and you were there.”

    FC: That puny little Christmas tree that Charlie Brown bought didn’t know how lucky it was, as this tree here will tell you.

    Luann: So it turns out that the senior deGroots were totally mismatched when they got married, but over time they’ve become… Well, let’s not get into that.

    S-M: Of all the superpowers the armor has conferred on Triple J, his favorite has got to be the power to threaten to fire a man who doesn’t even work for him.

  228. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#224): And yet you seem to know all about it. Ah, well, that’s the beauty of literature.

    // I never hung out with pirates, or big-hipped Barsoomian babes. Wanna see my scimitar collection?

  229. Sunni Jim
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#204):

    “It’s funny because “Qatar” sounds like a musical instrument. Emirate?”

    Ye, man, you’re right. But I can’t concentrate on jokes right now, because we just got a thunderstorm. Bah, rain!

  230. Porky Pig of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Barbarian Princess of Mars (#208):

    “Gat -gat -gat – gat – gathol, folks!”

  231. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#226): That should be “Of course”, of course. Not a good advertisement for my editorial skills, but I don’t drink during working hours.
    - ss

  232. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Kevin on Earth (#16):

    A3G: Is Jack yelling “NOW CALL ME JACK!” at Tommie? I hope he punctuates everything this way.
    Jack: “Man, it’s hot out here, would you mind getting me a bottle of water please? NOW CALL ME JACK!”

    He’s holding a hammer and nails strong enough to penetrate hoof. She’ll call him anything he wants to be called.

  233. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    @White Rabbit (#38): At first I thought you wrote “squirrel waffle.” This would perfectly follow from what we’ve seen of Crankshaft’s reasoning.

  234. Borborygmy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Porky Pig of Mars (#230): Barbarian Girl seems to have fallen off her diet again. Ku-weight-ee!

  235. Peanut Gallery
    April 3rd, 2014 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

  236. Barbarian Princess of Mars
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

  237. Uncle Lumpy
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#226):

    Kelly? Is that you? Long time, girl!

  238. walt d
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: I think June is revisiting the question of whether Niki was at the house, and whether Sarah was being entirely truthful under questioning. The implication being that Kelly is a bad influence when the readership knows that it’s the other way round.

    9CL: Yes, what the hell will happen tomorrow? Why did Souris pull a gun after being let go? Is that particular Nazi officer such a higher-up that she couldn’t pass up the opportunity? Are those streaks in the background bullets fired at Souris or are they heralds of the approaching invasion? How much longer will Bill, who has no i.d. to show anyone, maintain his befuddled guise?

    FW: The first point is that the comic books are still in the attic, ten years on. Something to make comic book John shudder.

    FW: About the comic books and baseball stuff being in the attic. Today immediately reminded me of the Dennis in which he is asking Mr. Wilson, “If these things are your most precious possessions, what are they doing here in the attic?” And the answer of course is that the “missus” doesn’t want all that crap cluttering up “her” house. Now to be fair, I have a lot of family heirlooms of the paper, cookware, or small ornamental sort, and I have only a few of them on display. Most of them are boxed up, to be taken out and sighed over a few times a year. And I don’t even have a “missus” to contend with. To return perhaps to being “unfair”, when I did have a “missus” in residence, her stuff occupied 95% of the walls and other display areas.

  239. seismic-2
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#110): Heaven help us! Cathy/Frazetta Barbarian Princess slashfic.

    Unfortunately, the image that I cannot get out of my head is that of Cathy as a Frazetta Barbarian Princess. This is especially egregious, because it follows that Irving is the Death Dealer.

  240. Elk Meadow
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    MW: I wish Terese would make a cross-universe stop-over and tell those two to cut their sandwiches in half.

    Wilbur reminds me of a guy (stepdad? live-in boyfriend?) who made it his job to teach his woman’s son some lessons. Beat the crap out of the kid and kicked him out of the house, and worse. My consoling thought is that Tommy still has abs and muscles in those arms, and could probably slam Wilbur’s lap-top on that bald head.

    Iris hasn’t eaten the sandwich yet. You take one bite of that, Iris, and you’ll be another Persephone to Wilbur’s Hades, but without the above ground vacations.

  241. Elk Meadow
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    @Wool Worth (#157):

    Better yet if it’s the place in the Roald Dahl story “The Landlady.”

  242. Elk Meadow
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @Jessy S. (#167):

    Whatever the case, Brad and Luann need to meet Toni’s parents, which could happen next week. And I am including Luann because she is going to need to know Brad’s mother and father in-law.

    Good luck with that. The first time Toni talked about her family, it was that her family was really closed. The next time the subject came up, it was that her and her Jonah (her brother) and Shanon who were the family. The parents are dead, we were told, and it’s just her and Jonah (his wife ran off–we get the idea that Toni is more annoyed that her doing so gave her brother more time to follow his dreams of acting) and Shannon, who has been introduced as Toni’s cousin somedays, and Toni’s niece on others. Although for the past year it seems that Shannon is being the niece, as Brad is getting ready to adopt Shannon.

  243. Elk Meadow
    April 3rd, 2014 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#175):

    No, that dude was cute. We’ve seen Wilbur as a young man, and he was going bald and wore an ink-stained polo shirt pocket and carried a slide ruler in his hand, not knowing that even then, there were slide holsters that fit on the belt.

  244. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#166): Ah, you remember that Dawn exists. That gives you one up on everyone in the strip, apparently.

  245. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#239): …Irving is the Death Dealer

    I KNEW it!

    // Ack!!!

  246. Dawn Weston
    April 3rd, 2014 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#244): Ah, you remember that Dawn exists.

    Existence is brutal.

  247. cheech wizard
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    MT – With the choppers closing in, they’ll soon put on the Wagner to scare the crap out of the poachers. But given that this is Mark Trail, it’s more likely they’ll put on Dueling Banjos instead.

  248. Mark Trail
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#247): I love the smell of pancakes in the morning.

  249. SGT. STONED
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    MT: Apparently a Delta 6 team in enroute to Pelican Point to rescue Mark from, er, one turtle egg poacher.

    MW: So Iris returns home from her luncheon will Wilbur to find Tommy dripping with bling and being serviced by two buxom Hos and wonders to herself “Where did Tommy get the money for all this? Why, he must have got that job at the post office after all!”

  250. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    @SGT. STONED (#249): $160 goes a lot farther in Santa Royale than I would have thought.

  251. Huckleberry Fink
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff: In case you’re wondering, the yellowfin tuna was a prop in turtle egg poacher Marlin’s studio before Heathcliff “liberated” it.

  252. Huckleberry Fink
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    Speed Bump: The way their eyes are bugging out, I’d say Peterson couldn’t find any underwear to go with his French Maid uniform.

  253. Droopy Says
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    Spidercan’t: I never wondered what Spiderman’s O-mask looked like, and I resent losing my ignorance. I feel so violated.

    Crapshat: Oh, a squirrel guard! Those things are great! They weed out the stupid squirrels through a process of Darwinian selection! In the end Crankie will develop a race of atomic super-squirrels who will conquer the world!

    FC: Poor Jeffy, Mommy didn’t get enough fallout and now his strontium/cesium levels are way off.

    Funky Pointlessbean: So give it away and tell Jff that the moths and mildew destroyed it. Think of how heartbroken he’ll be to discover that the comic book he has ignored all these years rotted away through his neglect!

    Mark Trail: Thank you, TRMT, this story definitely needed to take a long walk off a short pier.

    Phantom: “But . . . but . . . I don’t know any silly old legends or Bangagong folklore! I’d better investigate how I knew them!”

    Plugger: You’re a Plugger if you forget you have hugely-malformed hands that limit you to octal arithmetic.

  254. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    Heh! A reminder that the pros are actually, often, really good at their jobs.

  255. Albert
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#161): @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#164): The reasons being that – wait for it – they’re all allied spies! Betcha didn’t see that coming.

    And man are they going to be in trouble with their superiors back home when it turns out the captain they fragged was also an allied spy.

  256. Huckleberry Fink
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    Herb & Jamaal: No wonder Ebola has a headache — Herb dropped an anvil on her head.

    Momma: SLOP SLOP SLOP is the sound of one hand fapping. (You don’t really think he was in there painting all this time…)

  257. dougputhoff
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft–Ed should should’ve built the feeder atop an aluminum pole. Aluminum has very high strength-to-weight ratio.

  258. dougputhoff
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    Whiny Finkerbean–Holly should pull out a Colt .45 and threated to pop a cap in Mandy unless she gives her comic. There would actually be some excitement in this “Holly is collecting comics for Cory” storyline.

  259. dougputhoff
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#254): Unless you are Tom Batiuk.

  260. Mr. Yezpitelok
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#256):

    Momma: SLOP SLOP SLOP is the sound of one hand fapping.

    Are you saying there’s something other than paint in his bucket?

  261. Nehemiah Scudder
    April 3rd, 2014 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @dougputhoff (#259): Well, sure. Goes without saying.

  262. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    April 4th, 2014 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    @Albert (#255): Well, I was wrong. Brain-damaged Bill shot all the Nazis, with a fully loaded gun he got from somewhere. Just as stupid as what I thought, but in a different way.

  263. Poteet
    April 4th, 2014 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    9CL: Brooke is giving The Reasons a real workout this week.

  264. Poteet
    April 4th, 2014 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#156): I’ve an aunt in New York! I have gold, I can pay!

  265. Poteet
    April 4th, 2014 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT: The next question is whether the feeder is close enough to a tree or building or power line for the squirrels to take flying leaps. And it doesn’t have to be very close.

  266. Poteet
    April 4th, 2014 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    And in the Weirdest Wedding Contest, JP is currently ahead of LUANN, but possibly not for long.

  267. Poteet
    April 4th, 2014 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    MT: The lesson here is that poachers need to be single-minded.

  268. Poteet
    April 4th, 2014 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    @??????? (#267): You’re a real optimist, whoever you are.

  269. Baka Gaijin
    April 4th, 2014 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    Friday’s Early Comments

    The Better Half: Office shredder or instant Cthulhu-izer? You decide.

    Mark Trail: Jessica you dolt. Obviously Marlin’s going to take a long walk off a short pier. Until he was interrupted by a low-flying Marcus Trailicus.

    Sally Forth: Best Mary Worth episode ever!

    // Since I’m probably killing the thread, these may drift into the next.

  270. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    April 4th, 2014 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    MT: Yes, indeed, where is he going, there being no boat at the end of the pier.

  271. CanuckDownSouth
    April 4th, 2014 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    Phantom I can’t decide what’s stupider: that the Bandar / Wambesi figure that someone waking up non-emaciated in undisturbed clothes will accept that they were conked out in the wide-open air, being tripped over by villagers for the *days* of difference on the calendar, or that the cartoonist thinks the readers should accept it.

  272. Jessy S.
    April 4th, 2014 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#223): Still, it is a good guide to what will happen in the strip, and how general wedding planning takes place. Maybe Josh can talk about how his wedding was planned.

  273. Jessy S.
    April 4th, 2014 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#242): Didn’t know that. If that is truly the case, and it is, then it is clear that Toni wants a small wedding so that she can exclude her brother. At least Shannon will have one pair of grand parents. Shannon was first introduced as a Lewis family friend. This was back when Luann was babysitting a little toddler named Lindy. In any case, the absolute worst thing that can happen is that Jonah shows up at Brad and Toni’s wedding with Tiffany Farrell as his escort.

  274. Filthy Assistant
    April 4th, 2014 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    Did these (presumably) paid joke writers really bungle “He was a pitcher, now he just pitches fits”?

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