Keaningen versus the ants
Family Circus, 7/5/09
Like all right-thinking Americans, I have often allowed myself to spend idle moments imagining the death of the Keane clan. However, I see now that most of the scenarios I’ve conjured up — terrorist attack, murder-suicide pact, what have you — have been sadly pedestrian. Never, for instance, have I visualized them being killed by giant mutant ants! If we use grinning, doomed Jeffy as a reference point, the monsters in the lowermost chambers have to be at least the size of a terrier. I’m sure all four of the children will make tasty treats for the Queen of this awful colony.
Judge Parker, 7/5/09
Dear creators of the syndicated comic strip Judge Parker:
If you were working on a sitcom, or other long-form narrative acted out by live performers, you might find yourself in a situation where you had written out storylines that your actors were physically unable to perform. For instance, you might have an episode in which your nerdy heroine wows her school with her heretofore unmentioned prowess at jumping, aerial spinning, and other talents necessary for successful cheerleading, only to discover that the young actress tasked with playing the role wasn’t up the challenges laid out in the script. In that case, it would be acceptable, though rather transparent, to have all the action take place off camera.
However, in the comic strip form, your characters have no such limitations, and thus your decision to not show us any of the triumphant cheerleading routine that this entire ludicrous storyline has been leading up to is deeply puzzling.
Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon
P.S. On the other hand, it is enjoyable to interpret the dialogue in the first throwaway panel — “I didn’t know Sophie could do those things!” “Yeah … the cheerleader moms know they’re finished!” — as meaning that Sophie neutralized the cheerleader moms’ dozens of henchmen with her superhuman martial arts skills, and is now preparing to eliminate her chief adversaries once and for all.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
We can also add this to your long list of current Family Circus strips where Jeff Keane shows Jeffy ruining everything. It appears to be his idea to camp there, leading Mrs. Keane (or more specifically, Mrs. Keane’s neck) to say “here’s a good spot!”
As usual, we can feel sorriest for PJ; carrying a miniature American flag the day after July 4 suggests that he is turning to patriotism as a substitute for the love his bullying, violent family won’t give him. At least he’ll have a weapon with which to defend himself against the ant attacks.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I think Sophie’s solo routine included use of a stripper pole. She’s been practicing every night at that roadhouse down by the ranch…
July 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I visualized them as watching Sophie’s topless dancing audition and therefore made Judge Parker about a thousand times more interesting. Of course, a thousand times zero is still zero.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Maybe this over-way-too-soon cheerleading business will be played like Harold Abraham’s big race in “Chariots of Fire,” where the race was over in real time, but then replayed over and over again in slow motion from every possible angle. Yes, that’s what Barreto has in store for us, right? Right?!
#1 gnemec (previous thread) – Or maybe it’ll be like “Bubba Ho-tep” – with Alzheimer’s!
July 5th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Wow, I presaged the offical commentary on both counts. I am inordinately pleased.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Dolly will be the only survivor and all she can say is…”THEM!”
July 5th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Godiva Danube? That is a porn-star name if ever there was one.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
“Sophie, that was an awesome twenty-minute interpretive dance set to The Fountain of Lamneth! But… this is a cheerleading squad.”
July 5th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
clearly Sophie used a form of hypnosis on the crowd. a very powerful form too because the characters in soap strips are known to be immune to most forms of psychic manipulation due to their enormous self-involvement.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Sophie is double jointed, if you catch my drift…and I think you do.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I can’t even begin to count the number of times my school of choice burst into spontaneous name-chanting, so it’s good to see this incredible realism in this Mary Sue storyline. Sophie. I meant Sophie.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
The way the ants get smaller at the “top” of the burrow (and ridiculously huge at the bottom) makes it look like the whole thing is actually on top of the dirt, and stretches from foreground to background. “Here’s a good spot! At the edge of a freshly-plowed field! With a panoramic view of a weird paper cut-out of some sort with ants glued to it! Who’s ready for glop from a tupperware thing?”
July 5th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Yet my eyes are drawn toward
The mountains in the east
Godiva sighs and makes them rise
And gives my heart no peace…
July 5th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
FW: More I think about it – a hot lesbian scene between the athletic girls would be the perfect end to this comic. Followed by the return of Wally.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
By “awful colony” are you referring to the ants, or (hopefully) the Keanes?
I really don’t know which group is scarier.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
#15 Calico—Which would make Thel their Queen. This just gets better & better.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
“Welcome to Morning Joe, and say hello to your panel: A horse! [applause] A goose! [applause] And some girl with a cheap pair of novelty animal ears! [crickets] How did she get in here, anyway?”
July 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
FC: People criticize The Family Circus for its blandness and predictability, but how many other cartoons could simultaneously — and without any apparent effort — evoke Iwo Jima, the Evolution of Man, Christ on the Cross, and the opening sequence of David Lynch’s Blue Velvet… all in service of an ants/picnic joke that would have been stale during the Eisenhower era?
July 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
“I didn’t know Sophie could do those things! I didn’t know anyone could do that to a ping-pong ball!”
July 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
A quick check with someone better-informed than myself confirms my suspicion that the rigorous path to joining the cheerleading squad at our school consisted of (a) showing up, and (b) signing a piece of paper indicating your parents wouldn’t sue the school when you fell off the pyramid and your head hit the track like a ripe melon. I can tell you for a fact that being able to keep track of which way your team was supposed to be moving the ball (when it came time to point and do the ‘take the ball / down the field / go that way!’ cheer) was not by any means an ironclad requirement, which is one reason our squad was probably more entertaining than Sophie’s ever will be, for all their so-called technical skills.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Given the grin on Jeffy’s face, and his wide-open posture indicating that it is he who found the perfect location (Mom is only following his cue), it would appear that Jeffy has succumbed to the evil telepathic powers of the mutated ant colony queen and has lured his family to this very spot to satiate the colony’s ravenous appetites. I look forward to each panel strip to follow, where Jeffy grins in victorious majesty as each member of his clan is dragged to their mandible-chewed doom down the great ant holes.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
JP: So the school colors are royal purple and coral pink? Away games must be rough for the boys’ teams.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
#16 – So how would Gramma fit into all this? Or has she already been devoured?
July 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Nice reference to “Leningen Versus the Ants,” one of my favorite short stories!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leiningen_Versus_the_Ants
July 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
#19 – “And that’s my ping-pong ball trick!”
(Da da dadada)
July 5th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
FC: Just how quickly will the Keanes be sliced into easily transportable pieces? Anyone have a stopwatch?
July 5th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
One-Eyed Wolfdog @19 – I had visions of ping-pong balls firing over the crowd. Bono seems to be grimly amused by whatever she is doing in panel 1.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Is it just me or do dark-haired Dennis the Mennis girl’s (I can’t remember her real name) arms look like…er, something else when they’re bent like that with those oddly colored elbows?
July 5th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
#28 – Her name is Gina, and her Mom makes the most awesome Italian meals, or at least used to in the strip.
July 5th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Thanks to Spielberg & Lucas (and an enterprising YouTuber), we have some idea of what the Keane/ant carnage should look and sound like. If only…
July 5th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Why the hell is it necessary to bring an American flag to a picnic?
July 5th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
One-eyed Wolfdog #20 – At all the schools I went to, the number of cheerleaders was limited by the number of uniforms, and was decided by popular vote. Naturally, everyone voted strictly on merit-related considerations, with popularity or willingness to put out not coming into play in the sligsnort*giggle*bwahahahah* – sorry; I almost got through that with a straight face.
Say, does anyone get the LA Times? They shrunk the comics section again. I swear that paper is managed by an elite team of suckologists who spend every waking moment striving to find ways to make it suck even worse than before…
July 5th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Ralph @ 31: To fight off the giant ants.
July 5th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
@Ralph #31: If you burn it, the smoke keeps insects away. Not rednecks, though.
July 5th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Ugh. I hate popularity. Sophie is now far less interesting by virtue of her being liked.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I find the appearance of that elf in the lefthand column deeply troubling. It may not be possible to un-drug her, but I wish the handcuffs could be removed.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Jeffy is just taking a moment to welcome his new insect overlords. Next he will remind them that as a trusted comics personality and older brother, he could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves. HAIL ANTS!
July 5th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Momma Keane spent months planning this particular picnic. The ant nest was not that hard to find, but finding a suntan lotion that used honey as its base took a little bit of effort.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
PBS — Thanks a whole bunch, Rat. I was already very intimidated by gift exchanges, and now I’ll continue my long-term strategy of backing out of every one of them that I possibly can. Did you ever stop to think that maybe Henry Hippo never asked for all those birthday presents from Ella Elephant? Huh?
July 5th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I think I’m going to believe that Rocky has his stories mixed up and that sign he’s holding actually reads ‘SOME PIG’. It would be one of the least surreal details in this whole episode.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
FC — I share the hope and assumption that “awful colony” refers to the Keane clan. Except for being weirdly drawn, I see nothing wrong with the ants. They are about to have several big-butted humans cut off their only access to the outside world, and very possibly fart profusely into their underground home. I say they have the right to bite and bite hard.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
I still enjoy the tales my cousin told me back in the early 80s about Rice athletics. The players had to meet academic standards, and the spectators had long ago learned not to expect good playing, so the latter developed poor sportsmanship to a finely honed event in and of itself. They were most resourceful with their longtime foes Texas A&M (I found college journals from the ‘teens describing inter-school pranks like secret mascot-stealing raids). They dressed guys up as A&M yell leaders and led the crowd in anti-cheers, for instance. Regardless of who they played, whenever an opposing team scored against them, a large part of the crowd in the stands would shout/chant in unison,
“AWWWW SHIT!
GOD-DAMN!”
I worked there for a short while, though I never got around to attending any games.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
#41 Poteet – Pff, bite? More like RIP AND TEAR!
July 5th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Yes, to call it a “throw-away” panel is just a crime in the halls of snarkdom:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3692069626/
This is a classic “fill in the blank,” courtesy of Godiva…
July 5th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
# 43 commodorejohn — Works for me!
July 5th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
The most awesome killer ants movie ever:
Phase IV
That is all.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
What I want to know is how did Sophie get the student body behind her rise to cheerleading dictator. I can kind of buy the Brangelina stand-ins tagging along since we saw it take place, but how the heck did all the peers overcome the apathy that high school students usually exhibit to rally around her cause?
July 5th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I remember when I first read a soap opera strip and asked myself “What, are they taking out the interesting parts on purpose?” And now, today, Judge Parker comes and says once and for all that “Yes. Yes we are.”
July 5th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Phase IV, awesome, yellojkt. What’s great about Phase IV was that the ants weren’t giant like in Them! they were just regular-sized ants with a go get ‘em attitude. I saw that movie when I was about eight years old and it scared the bejibbers out of me. It later turned up on Season Zero (the KTMA years) of MST3K.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
#42 – Texas A&M’s most famous mascot was stolen once, but only once, if I’m right (which means way better than normal for a typical college mascot). She is for all practical purposes royalty, and is under near-ceaseless watch. She is also, of course, drop dead gorgeous and I assume the reason the school went so long without cheerleaders is that they were well aware how poorly they would fare by comparison.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Sunday’s Archie: Wow, they’re not even pretending this isn’t about drugs, are they?
July 5th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
#49 – Did you happen to see the 1970’s (or 80’s not sure) made-for-TV movie about an invasion of killer bees into the US? Eeeeeee.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
It’s baffling that JP turned down the chance to show teenage nubile cheerleading moves.
The Keane family has apparently chosen the only spot in the entire field that is ant infested (what was wrong with all the other spots in that flat, grassy landscape? They’re not quite close enough to the tree to be getting midday shade). I am enjoying imagining that their demise by Giant Mutant Killer Death Ant was fated.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
JP — Since we didn’t get to see Sophie’s “awesome routine,” is it possible that we also didn’t get to see the part where she handed out $20 bills to hundreds of students in return for their agreement to run outside and scream her name as loudly as possible?
Oh dear. What a cynic I am.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Calico:
Oh, well, you’ve got to narrow it down a bit. Killer bees were big business back in the 70’s and there were tons of movies made about them. Are you thinking of Swarm with Michael Caine, Henry Fonda and a cast of thousands? That’s the one where the bees cause a nuclear power plant to melt down. A classic of the genre.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Wow, those kids are more enthusiastic about the tryouts for the cheerleading squad than my high school class was at actual pep rallies. (Are cheerleader tryouts usually so heavily attended? I never bothered to attend one in any capacity.)
July 5th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I’m wondering if perhaps the reason the actual routine went un-depicted wasn’t to leave it to the imagination so much as to not leave it to Baretto’s imagination. As much as we were looking forward to it, I expect the syndicate was nervously anticipating a flood of letters from the Concerned Readers…
July 5th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
#55 – I think it was where somehow the protagonists managed to coax the whole swarm into an indoor sports stadium; they turned the temp. down in order for the bees to go dormant; but at the end the viewer sees a tenacious drone mating with whom I presumed to be the Queen.
(Cue ominous music)
July 5th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
How does Peter Parker manage to get such well-framed, in-focus photos of himself battling evil-doers? Spiders must have amazing photography skills. If I set up a rig like his, I’m sure I’d be rewarded with blurry shots of my butt, the sky, and a pigeon. Maybe only part of a pigeon, at that.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
JP: I like the idea of Sophie going all Beatrix Kiddo on the cheerleader moms. Her next line to Sue Ellen could be, “Sorry you had to see that. If you’re still feeling raw about it in a few years, you’ll know where to find me.”
SFx: The whole mystery in the central panel strikes me as a convoluted upselling scheme on the part of the restaurant. They’re not in business to sell clam chowder as the main course. Hiring both Slylock and Count Weirdly as confederates is pretty sophisticated, I’ll admit.
Also, I’ve always wondered what a vampire looks like when he’s just gotten laid off.
Garfield: Heavens to Betsy, that’s a huge tongue. Guess he has to keep Liz on the line somehow.
BC: Gotta say, I did not see that crossover coming. It almost seems like Hart’s heirs are beating Pastis to the punch.
Lio: Unseen second panel: Dagwood Bumstead turns around and says “Ain’t I a stinker?”
RMMD: “Hey, great to hear about your new gig at the nursing home, honey. Hey, I hear they’re going downhill from hiring substandard careworkers.” Oh, no passive aggressive fucked-upness in this marriage, no sir!
July 5th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
“Who was in charge of packing the Raid for Irradiated Ants?”
“NOT ME!”
*ba-dump-ching*
July 5th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
JP – This is the American Dream. Sophie used to be a forlorn, homeless, and fairly unattractive crippled girl who had an unfortunate penchant for wearing button earrings. Look at her now! She’s a popular, fabulously wealthy, athletic girl with an loving family and she’s lost the button earrings in favor of dainty hoops to set of her unfortunate braids. So, okay, you can’t have everything. But, hey! She’s the queen of the cheerleaders. People are holding up Sophie signs. This kind of thing can only happen in America, in the comic strips. Is this a great country or WHAT?
July 5th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
What I don’t get about FC is the height of the kids relative to their parents. I know my daughter is fairly tall for her age (4), but she’s over half my height and I’m no shrimp.
Thel and Bil must have relatively small kids compared to their height. Is this expected genetically? I’m a biochemist not a geneticist, so I wouldn’t know …
July 5th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I was worried that the comment about not knowing that Sophie could do those things had to do with the fact that she was demonstrating the practical results of all of her time studying books, in this case specifically the Karma Sutra.
Now I’m worried that I will never be able to unthink that thought.
July 5th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
#63 DAS: The Keanes exist in a world in which the laws of proportion, physics, common sense, good taste, and nature do not apply. It’s really the only explanation for their existence.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
One-eyed Wolfdog @50 – It’s been upwards of 20 years since I read it, but I think the pre-1920 raid by the fearless Rice students was to recapture the owl that had been taken in cowardly fashion by the nefarious dastards of A&M. It was written in a rather aggrandizing style, though I can’t tell at this distance if the writer was in the expedition or not.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
#49 – Any movie that gets the MST3K treatment has to be a classic.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Was anyone else surprised to see Brendan Fraser making a guest appearance in the last panel of today’s MARY WORTH?
July 5th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
What is it about today’s comics? There are a number of obvious snark-worthy ones. Do I let them go? Do I save up my PhotoShop points?
Nahhhh…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3692571682/
(sorry, you’ll have to supersize this yourself)
July 5th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
68 Sluggirl–I agree; I noted him, too, in a thread or two ago. But that’s no “guest appearance”; that’s a “plot complication”! (And if it means a break from Mary’s incessant nagging, well, I’m all for it.)
69 bats :[ —-hahahahahaha –snort!–
July 5th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
In the last panel of Rex Morgan, Becka is surprised that the residents of the Dell Nursing Home can walk.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
For Better or for Worse: Apparently in Canada, Bleach is bottled and sold like moonshine.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
All but three of the ants are too big for the exit/entry holes. The Keanes will be fine.
July 5th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
JP: Now that this plot has been summarily disposed of, and Sophie has gotten her (24 hours’ long) fondest wish of becoming a cheerleader, what happens next?
a) Sophie is a beneficent ruler, raising the lowly and unpopular to great status, while acting kindly towards the former school royalty; continuing to get As in all her classes; healing the sick; etc.
b) Sophie becomes the quintessential mean girl, forcing those who disdained her to grovel at her feet and put glue on their own damned chairs, and turning against her oldest friends, like Godiva and Rocky, too.
c) None of the above. Screw this storyline; what’s Randy up to?
July 5th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Hey, I never knew Family Circus was set in Texas!
July 5th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Speaking of freakish ants, does anyone remember this classic Superman comic, where Superman exposes himself to red kryptonite in order to mutate his head into an ant head, so that he can use his antennae to communicate with the ant commander of a giant red ant invasion? No? Oh, well.
#69 bats:[
A beautiful thing, bats:[… I learned a lot!
July 5th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
JP: So young teenage girls are doing physical activities in skimpy outfits, and one in particular is unbelievably amazing at it during this time in continuity — and we don’t even get to see it.
Well, to paraphrase Jim Halpert: Say what you will about Brooke McEldowney — he’d never do that!
July 5th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
FW: Something has been annoying me for a while about how Crazy Harry the non-psychotic mailman is dressed. I don’t know about the rest of you, but my local mail people break out the shorts and polo shirts as soon as the temperature hits 60. I have never seen one wearing Harry’s emasculating little sweater vest. Can anyone verify seeing one of these horrendous clothing items in action?
July 5th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
bats :[, I am sickly and feeble and you make me laugh like an idiot. Thank you.
July 5th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Why don’t you have a seat over there, Josh?
July 5th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
You know, at my high school the cheerleading tryouts were closed to spectators, and the results were simply tacked to a bulletin board the next morning. None of this goofy hoo-ha in Judge Parker.
#42 Muffaroo – Rice’s marching band may be one of the most hilarious groups I’ve ever seen. I can’t even begin to list all the ridiculous things I’ve heard about the MOB doing to opposing teams. For example: U of Tulsa files complaint over MOB’s halftime show
July 5th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
So you’re assuming the giant ants will devour the Keanes. Interesting. I was seeing the giant chasms collapsing and burying them alive. Either way works for me, I guess.
July 5th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Here’s the conversation in the ant colony:
“What a great day for a picnic. Oh, dammit! There’s Keanes all over the place!”
July 5th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Once again I ponder how a man can call himself “Bil.” You can go with Will, Willie, Bill, Billie, William. No one but no one goes by “Bil.”
I don’t want to say it. It’s trite, not politically correct, and slightly mean-spirited. BUT THAT’S SO
July 5th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
FC: What, no dinosaur skeletons or buried treasure visible in the dirt?
July 5th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Good heavens, when can you go outside this time of year (at least in the Northern Hemisphere) and not be annoyed at least a bit by the wildlife — ants at picnics, mosquitoes, flies, no-see-ums?
There are just over 40 ants in this colony. What could go wrong? Suck it up, guys…those are pretty good odds!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3692857116/sizes/o/
July 6th, 2009 at 12:14 am
FC: Yeah, the “ants-at-a-picnic” gag is older than Milton Berle’s foreskin, but I gotta tellya, Thel’s looking fine today! I wouldn’t be at all surprised if off-panel, there’s a group of Polynesian seafarers watching her.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:24 am
Late Sunday commentary:
SFx: Count Weirdly AND a vampire! Be still my heart — you are too good to me, Bob Weber, Jr.!
84. Johnnyleg J.: believe it or not, there is/was an architect in Tucson by the name of Bil Taylor.
Considering that Bil Keane lives in the Phoenix metro area, this peculiar spelling might be an Arizona thing. (Heck, it might be self-defense, with all the Spanish language-derived terms in the state…since a double -L is pronounced as a -Y, Mr. Keane and Taylor might want to avoid being mispronounced as “Biy”.)
July 6th, 2009 at 12:50 am
Woah! B.C. gets all meta on us and pulls in Rat from PBS? The game is on, Pastis.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:30 am
B&W is on the fritz again, so new in color:
BBailey: And anyone who steals Otto’s bone gets sent to Gittheball.
FW: And this being Batiukland, his last breath will be literal, painful, and very, very long (that’s what she said!).
JP: “Oh, and blow it out your ears, too, Iranian protestors! Gee, ain’t I swell?”
MT: A subplot?? Does “Mark Trail” even do that???
MW: Lemme guess…. Charley Kelrast, right? In any case, Mare does not look too pleased. RIP, Charley, we literally hardly knew ye.
S-M: Melvin Theater?? Did this suddenly spill over into an old MAD comic book? But that’d mean the play would be named “Potrzebie Perfect”, Also, the last panel has me wanting to complete the dialogue like an old commercial: “… except my whiskers?” With that guy, it’s an understandable reference.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Slight correction:
S-M: Melvin Theater?? Did this suddenly spill over into an old MAD comic book? But that’d mean the play would be named “Potrzebie Perfect”. Also, the last panel has me wanting to complete the dialogue like an old commercial: “… except my whiskers?” With that guy, it’s an understandable reference.
(just changing a comma into an intended period, but I hadda do it)
July 6th, 2009 at 1:51 am
#91 Mibbitmaker –
You are a man possessed.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:04 am
7/6:
A3G: This is A3G! There’s certainly not much going on in the foreground!
Better Half: I find myself disturbed at the symmetry between her breasts and his mouth, and how perfectly they’re aligned here.
Blondie: Awwwkward.
DtM: Dennis knows all about pitching a tent. Just ask Mr. Wilson!
FC: Be careful with the placement of that ‘r’ in “their ear”, Dolly!
JP: Same goes for the old fart here, with his “blow it out your ear”! (So to speak.)
MT: Oh no! Does this mean Mark will be… alone with Miss and Mister Williams?
MW: Wring those meddling hands, Mary!
Phantom: Photography by DePaul & Ryan.
Piranha Club: Could be worse. At least you didn’t walk into the Monty Python cheese shop.
S-M: What can you lose? Your dignity. But that was pretty much inevitable once you agreed to an appearance in S-M.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:05 am
@Uncle Lumpy #92: Oh, you mean Mibbitmaker’s married?
July 6th, 2009 at 2:06 am
Judge Parker: How inspiring! One of those extremely rare stories of wealthy, attractive individuals with celebrity connections overcoming great odds to triumph over the proles. Good show!
July 6th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Monday, Monday. Can’t trust that day.
Marge 3-D I cannot believe in this comic strip, not after yesterday’s unheard-of whimper of fear from the Mighty Margo. It is all false.
Dont ask don’t tell Sarge knows more about Boneland Security than anyone realizes.
Children of the Circle Are Thel and Bil merely in the background, or are they rising full-grown from the respective heads of Dolly and Jeffy, as the full embodiment of all their lectures now ready to be played back word for word by hellspawn Dolly?
Fist O Justice theater The Lost Forest has a PTA? Who is the president? Charlie the Cross-eyed Cougar or Bambi’s father?
July 6th, 2009 at 2:16 am
The only thing that could make this Family Circus even better is if PJ were literally dragging the American flag on the ground behind him.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:16 am
Creepy Charley is already my new favorite Mary Worth character! I’ll be sorry to see him die a pointless and horrific death/get led away in handcuffs/find religion and leave the country/some combination of the above.
Delilah does look stunning in her coordinated banana yellow bolero jacket and fishnet disco pants. I can understand why Charley is so smitten.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:32 am
JP: Josh makes a great point – a good comic should strive to “show” and not just “tell” – otherwise what is the point of choosing the virtually limitless cartoon medium?
Even without any action, this Judge Parker strip could have partially covered up the cop-out if the dialog bothered to mention a few cheerleader-related specifics. Try “That was a smooth back handspring, and a flawless dismount!” instead of the laughably vague “I didn’t know Sophie could do those things!” Bah humbug.
July 6th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Phantom: Isn’t that Abbey Driver’s neighbors’ dope farm?
Spidey: Everyone knows superheroes make the best drama critics.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:11 am
MW: Everyone knows that the way to charm the pants off a former girlfriend is to size her up with the same look Dracula would use to calculate the flow rate of a severed carotid artery. The extra eyebrow action is because he’s trying to convert ml/sec (Romanian) to gal/min (US Imperial) in his head. Or maybe he’s just trying to figure out if her wardrobe (a teenybopper top with fishnet capris) is the new California work casual. In either case, semi-retired humor columnist Dave Barry is enjoying his cameo role here at Charterstone.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Eeek, they are re-enacting Frank Herbert’s terrifying Hellstrom’s Hive thing.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:57 am
JP: By the end of the week, Sophie will be parading through the school halls with palms and cloaks at her feet, while the carcasses of the Cheerleader Moms hang by the lampposts outside with spectators whacking their cadavers with their shoes.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Luann: 7/6 – Evans, no you did’ent.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Slylock Fox: It’s been a while since I’ve been to Central Park, but motor vehicles are only allowed on crossroads, not within the park; hot dogs there are likelier to cost $2.00; MTA buses are white with blue trim and advertising; on a nice afternoon, there would be way more people; good luck finding (a) a working phone booth and (b) a live operator; and I pity the fool who actually tries to hijack a city bus. Even with all that, it’s still a more authentic New York than Apt. 3G and Spider-Man, combined.
(The Sly and Max depictions are screaming for comments, I leave that to the professionals)
July 6th, 2009 at 8:18 am
One more ant comment for the road, courtesy of Dave Barry’s blog. (willethompson, thanks for providing an excuse to visit there, usually just check it for “24″.)
July 6th, 2009 at 8:29 am
#92 (UL): Just pushed the refresh button, wiped out the other items, replaced comma with period, and posted. If I had to rewrite the whole S-M part, I’d just leave it.
I am possessed by the word potrzebie, though.
#94 (KarMann): Not married. You might say that I’m singularly possessed (ducks behind *rimshot!*)
(Reminds me of a Three Stooges joke: Census question: Are you married or happy? — wouldn’t be surprised if Curly wrote that (nyuk, nyuk!))
July 6th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Dick Tracy really does deserve congratulations for what is, undoubtedly, the first criminal arrest using body heat in a confused and illogical sting operation full of enough dream logic that the only place for this to go is for Tracy to suddenly realize his legs are cheese and he has to run to the bathroom but he’s living in a townhouse apartment in Albany, New York, where there’s a parade just over the horizon, and he can’t even indifferently watch while somebody is gruesomely killed. Wasn’t there a strange cartoon-smelly person wearing a mushroom on his head at the start of this plot?
Also congratulations to Judge Parker for the cameo appearance by Doonesbury’s Uncle Duke as the Elector of Cheerleading Hanover.
May I point out to Wolverine that there are many fine ideas for low-budget ways to spend an entertaining day in New York City presented regularly on the local TV series $9.99, which — as the title suggests — shows off a full roster of activities that don’t cost more than ten dollars in total? It often involves oddball museums about subjects you never imagined but also takes you to chocolate factories and the like where they give out free samples. Plus, since it airs on WNYC TV, Spider-Man has something to watch while you jot down possible itineraries.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:07 am
MT: Three unlikely things in today’s Mark Trail:
1) Mark and Cherry have conflicting social calendars?
2) Cherry is going to a PTA meeting? We all know that Rusty is an autodidact in the School of Dumb Choices and Duck Photography.
3) Mark is willing to take Cherry out of Lost Forest? Because of her continued desire to copulate with him, or at least suck his face, he sees her as a wilderness creature, not suitable for the civilized society of the community.
MW: I can’t help but hear Joey Tribiani’s “How YOU doin’?” when Charley talks.
BB: If that dog is in charge of Boneland Security, perhaps he should stand watch at Beetle’s cot.
FC: No, Dolly, the way to get adults to listen to you is by starting your sentence with “I think I’m gonna throw up.”
July 6th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Judge Parker: I hope this lame storyline is over.
Rex Morgan: The first panel could have been better, with a disheveled and tired looking Becka in a skimpy nighty, worn wrongside out, and with the intro: “After a long night of makeup sex, Becka staggers downstairs to see Peter off.”
July 6th, 2009 at 9:21 am
It’s cool and all that Sophie kows Bono and that he’s come out to support her and all, but did he have to be a complete dick and screen the views of the folks behind him with his cowboy hat?
July 6th, 2009 at 9:36 am
MW: I like Charlie’s shirt. MY mother bought me two just like it, in the same color and pattern, in Alexander’s Department Store on The Grand Concourse, Bronx, New York, in 1962. It wore well, but didn’t last 47 years.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:45 am
#84
If I remember correctly, the story is that his father caught young Bill Keane drawing on the walls of their home and knocked the “l” out of him. Man, parental abuse is funny…
July 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Chip Whittle@108: I don’t think Uncle Duke would’ve said “ear”.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Color Chronicle Strips:
A3G – “…to see their long-lost Lama, Margo.” Margo’s the long-lost Lama? That’s stunning news, but she seems to take it as her rightful due. Don’t weep for me, Dharamsala!
HtHorrible – I don’t think “That’s for me to know and for you to find out” is actually sarcasm, though it’s in keeping with the tradition of lame makeshifts in this strip, so let it go.
JParker – Look at those harpy claws! Why do I suspect that this raging virago with her outraged sense of entitlement is where Sopie is heading in a few years? Lucky for us, I guess, that those few years will take a half century to unfold, if they ever do.
Marfield – The two year old thinks he’s over the hill. I haven’t seen that joke all day. I presume that thing they’re standing in is some kind of bathroom.
MWorth – Uh oh, Charley’s leering. He’s eeeevil. Mary’s looking concerned, complete with Concern Hands, but you just know she’s thinking “Ha! Fresh meat!”
TromboneGuy @81 – Thanks for the link to the Rice story! It inspired me to search on “rice” “marching owl band” at YouTube, and it looks like I’ll have me some good viewin’! Mmmm-mmmm!
July 6th, 2009 at 9:54 am
C’shaft: “He’s also getting his name legally changed to something that isn’t an occupation-based pun.”
MW: Obviously Evil Charley is already calculating how to get into Delilah’s yellow fishnet leggings. Meanwhile Mary wrings her hands in horror, well aware that simply talking to a man who isn’t your husband or blood kin is a sure sign of a faithless heart.
Pluggers: ….And this is something to be proud of?
July 6th, 2009 at 10:15 am
MW: Charley and Delilah obviously belong together. Together working the counter at Hotdog on a Stick.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:40 am
MC: Okay, Ed and Melissa. You’ve gone Watterson. You’ve gone Batiuk. Now go Baretto.
Big Nate: Stealing from last summer’s “Curtis” plot.
SFx: Stealing from “Taking of Pelham 123″.
MT: I’m really hoping for the Yakuza and the Russian Mafia. I want to see Mark taunt them as “cowards” with the bloody stumps that were his Fists O’ Justice.
GT: Crap. He’s right next to the apartment complex where Steve McNair lived. (too soon?).
July 6th, 2009 at 10:47 am
MW – Delilah would never have run into her old boyfriend if they had taken the route to see Mary’s old friends…through the Charterstone cemetery. And how convenient that Delilah’s left hand is never visible.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Oh, but Josh, you have envisioned the Keane clan’s death by giant ants before today! http://joshreads.com/?p=1295
July 6th, 2009 at 11:07 am
GT – No love for today’s meta shout-out? Just yesterday Josh posted his hopes for Summer lunacy, and today Gil himself acknowledges that Summer is, indeed, the season for crazy things to happen and launches the new wackyness.
JP – Dammit, they really were going this way all along. You can’t have a farce end like this! There needs to be a twist at the end, not just some Mary Sue “rich girl gets what she wants” cop-out with the entire student body cheering her triumph. Sheesh, the only thing that makes this marginally better than the “FOOB’s Shannon teaches a Very Special Lesson” plotline from FBOFW is the T&A, and even that is only marginal because most of it was off-screen!
July 6th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Parker the Lout: When I look at this Judge Parker’s arc, and the cheerleaders – my memory takes me back to an odd relic from when the National Lampoon was funny and they published their 1964 High School Yearbook Parody. I almost expect to see the cheerleaders with Kanga Kola.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:46 am
TrueFable, courtesy of the Economist’s book reviews, I give unto thee:
http://www.amazon.com/Goat-Song-Seasonal-History-Herding/dp/1416560998
July 6th, 2009 at 11:48 am
#121 CCB –
Shannon T&A: Do not want.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:49 am
It shouldn’t be surprising that no one knew Sophie could do that. We forget that when she first came on the scene she was not only an unattractive homeless waif, she was crippled. I’ll bet in a couple of years Stumpy Shannon will have legs.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:54 am
We are astonished to find that Mary Worth’s old-biddy Hawaiian-shirt dress is not all that unattractive. We cannot say the same for Delilah’s overwrought halter top. As for young swain Charley’s hideous striped shirt, the less said the better. It is enough to make one retire to a darkened room for the afternoon.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
“Blow it out your ear” – not bad.
I would have preferred Arse, but I’ll take Ear for now.
And in FC, Dolly wants to blow it right back in your ear.
RM – Yeah, it’s really a bucketful of laughs when patients with dementia wander off to parts unknown!
Yuk it up good, Peter.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Disappointment is quite the norm with respect to Apartment 3-G wardrobes. And so it is quite to be expected that, after several costume changes, Margo opts for a pea-green sweatsuit in India. Has she no reverence for the British raj? Does she not read Brenda Starr? We note also that papa Magee has completely abandoned his necktie. We had such hopes for him, too.
However, we are remarkably pleased with Roger’s snow-white suit. Just the right touch of stiff-upper-lip formality for the broiling heat of the Ganges Plain.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
#128 – What’s your opinion about all those Fedoras in Dharamsala?
July 6th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
With Rocky Ledge and Godiva McCleavage in the stands and Hunter S. Thompson as a judge, Sophie knew she could do no wrong. Rigged. Yes, rigged. She rolled the beautiful word slowly around in her mind. She smiled, watching the pathetic antics of the evil priestess Mary. Ah, she thought to herself, how I savor like fine wine the impotent rage of my enemies who would destroy me, but cannot.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
The cheerleader moms know that they’re finished. They were complaining that Sophie was going to make the cheerleading team just because she’s rich. But she made the cheerleading team because she has movie/music star friends, instead. Man, did they make the wrong call or what?
In exchange for this outlandish and wholly predictable story line of how the poor little rich, smart, popular, attractive and apparently also athletic little girl can finally achieve her dream of joining a team that doesn’t want her. Tomorrow I fully expect to see the cheerleading moms, Abbey and Godiva start jello wrestling in the gym, which degrades into an all-out, lesbionic orgy of enormous proportions.
Ok, I don’t expect that, I just wanted to slip in the word “lesbionic”.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
AS – Hillburn, would it hurt to consistently draw your spiders with eight legs?
A.D. – Oh God.
FC – Is…is Daddy Keane carrying a riding crop? DO NOT WANT.
Garfield – Orson? Man, you’ve really let yourself go.
GT – Give it up, Gil. You can’t escape fate.
JP – Special guest appearance by Uncle Harvey from UHF.
Luann – Did…did Luann just suggest that black people are better-suited for community service?
MT – Hmm, Cherry’s hair has the ability to poof out and make her look larger. I presume this is some kind of defense mechanism?
MW – Mary’s expression in panel two is truly priceless, but I’m having a hard time figuring it out; she looks perplexed, rather than angered. Perhaps she cannot comprehend the reproductive vagaries of these fleshy creatures?
MC – Then Tom Batiuk pops in and says, “I thought it was funny, Norm! Let me tell you the one about the man whose entire family died of ebola!”
Ghost-Whose-Underpants-Glow-In-The-Dark – That’s Spencer Farms, dude.
Popeye – Oh no, she’s going to fall…into the…water…cripes, this strip can’t even get its dramatics right.
PC – Uhh…?
SM – Pulse-pounding ticket-purchasing action!
July 6th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
#123 queek – GOAT! Goat Song! There’s even a little peek into the book AND a very nice goat photo on the cover. Thanks!
July 6th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
S-M — I can’t picture MJ being a very good actress. Even decades ago when I saw S-M comics occasionally, I only remember her having two or three facial expressions, with Big Smile Displaying Excellent Teeth predominating. And Wolverine certainly is a depressing portrait of what living for 150 years can do to a person. And of course Spidey is a whiny schlub.
I vote for a love triangle so that none of these people can inflict themselves on anyone else.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I’m suprised no one else is picking up on the Mark Trail gay vibe that I’m getting today. To Sue Williams, he’s all “You’re in big trouble lady!” and “You’ll be hearing from the FBI!” But the young brother? “Sure, you can take me out to dinner… And my wife will be busy… Hint, hint?”
A3G: The return of the Luann plotline on Saturday, and then…. Whoops, back to some other plot that we never really finished or explained going on 3 years now.
Marmaduke is funny today because the owner Phil says that he likes a lot of shoes, and guess what? There are a lot of shoes lying around!!! OMG!! Eh, fuck it, he’s a BIG DOG. Run with that. Ha ha ha ha!
The bright spot of my day: Mary in panel 2 silently getting pissed that Charlie has the temerity to interfere with her meddle-in-progress. How will she play that one? Personally, I’d try “That’s a nice shirt, Charlie. Isn’t that the one that your mom bought from my garage sale last week? Say hello to her for me. Bye Charlie move along Delilah nothingtoseeherebye.”
July 6th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
#131 – Have you seen the Mad TV skit of “The Lesbionic Woman”? Pretty darn funny.
MT – PTA meeting? You’ve gotta be kidding me.
That must stand for Pine Tree Association or something like that.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Oh, and Slylock, we do have 911 which you can call in case of emergency. ; )
July 6th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Judge Parker: I know I shouldn’t be upset with this. It’s only a comic strip, but it annoys me to no ends. I have never cared about cheerleading, didn’t even go to a high school game during high school, but I knew enough that a girl had to have some skill to try out. Did the “artist” show her doing a routine, no. Did he show her working out, no. Did he even do a panel showing her reading a book about Cheerleading, NO NO NO. So what the moral of this story. Is it that if you wish hard enough, but not actually do anything to deserve it, you can have anything you want or is it, if your are RICH enough you can get anything you want?
July 6th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
So this Spiderman week has been about two supes hanging around doing very pedestrian things. Wolvie is going to a badly reviewed play. Parker is selling pictures and relieving himself in his boss’s office. “And look, here’s where Wolverine and Spidey fucked up and let Doc Ock get away!” So, don’t superheroes have anything better to do, you know, like try to find Doc Ock?
Nah, better to just wander around and hope that he coincidentally strikes the exact theatre that you chance to be at. Yeah, that’s what I would do.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Alzheimer patients? Is that who Dell uses for customer service reps now? It explains a lot.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
MT – So, Joey is facing one of two choices: the gangsters are going to pummel him for not paying up on his gambling debts, or Mark is going to administer his RFOJ because of the toxic waste dump. Either way, Joey looks to be marching to the drums for a different beater.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
If “I didn’t know Sophie could do those things” involves the rapid expulsion of Ping-Pong balls, perhaps “Yeah…those cheerleader moms know they’re finished” means the same Ping-Pong ball trick, except with ball bearings aimed directly at the forehead?
July 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Is Slycock a “find six things wrong with this picture”? A bus without any way to tell which direction is the front. Sly actually calls the police. He calls, but doesn’t know about 9-1-1. He finds a working pay phone. There’s a deadly hijacker in the bus 50 ft away, Sly is desperately trying to get reinforcements, and Max Mouse is giddy about his $1.50 hot dog. Come on, they cost twice that at least. Maybe Max is giddy because he’s humping Sly’s ever so soft tail. I don’t really want to know.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
MW If Mary’s death glare could kill, Delilah and her old friend would be deader than a Mark Trail character with a ZZ Top beard.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
129, Calico:
Dharamsala is infested with foreign journalists from the 1950s. None of them wears a fedora quite as well as Ingrid Bergman.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Strange Brew: I liked the bone-themed curtains. The bone picture is just overkill. It’s like having a picture of a pizza in your kitchen. It was funny, but it could only have been improved if the dog was a BIG DOG, because that joke NEVER GETS OLD.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Sparky @122 – Ah, a good memory. The 1964 High School Yearbook parody was, for me, the best thing the Lampoon — and PJ O’Rourke — ever did. I mention him specifically, as I subscribe to the notion that when he rose to power, the magazine took a dive. And yet, this one was incredible. Did you notice that it was also a whodunit? All the clues are there to the identity of the M.C. (Also, it was “Buckeye Cola,” and probably had the unofficial slogan “After a fuck, shake up a Buck,” which I got because of Dr. David Reuben, M.D.)
July 6th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
#142 – I wonder if Mary Worth could pull off that trick.
(Calico goes to flush brain)
July 6th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
The black and white Chronicle comics showed up a while back, and I looked at them. The end.
Charterstoned @141 – Salut!
July 6th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Long time lurker/reader, who recently lost her bookmark to her awesome chron page. I can’t remember the poster’s name, but there’s a guy with spoof versions who has a link to making a chron comic page that is all one page. Does anyone have a link?
July 6th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
#122: When you said “Parker the Lout”, my first thought was: “Spider-Man”?
July 6th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
150, Sunshine: Was that Dean’s Comic Booth you were looking for?
http://comicbooth.com/blogengine.net/
July 6th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
#152 Bryan,
Yes! Thanks muchly! It was so long ago I couldn’t remember the name.
July 6th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@Baron Bizarre #151: Not just you, I thought of S-M first, too.
July 6th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
We are bemused by the thought of Cherry Trail “getting dressed.” Presumably Mark intends for her to wear actual women’s clothing. Hence her retreat to the “PTA meeting,” held nightly at the Lost Forest equivalent to the Dew Drop Inn.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:53 am
As I read Rex Morgan, it didn’t even occur to me that it was odd not to show the action on stage. I mean, they shy away from showing male nipples, or even belly buttons in the comics, they aren’t going to show what Sophie is doing.
I had read past One-Eyed Wolfdog and Harolds comments before I realized that I simply knew she was popping out ping pong balls — and not with her mouth. How do we all know this? How is it that obvious? It’s quite a talent, really. With a talent like that, why bother depicting a skimpily-dressed teenager doing cartwheels?
July 7th, 2009 at 4:06 am
I love you guys – Warren Ellis had folks talking about the ant mega-colony and I couldn’t remember the name of the movie about the smart ants – Phase IV.