An office romance
Blondie, 7/12/09
I’ve often wondered at the obviously complex relationship between Dagwood and Mr. Dithers. For a while, I thought that Dithers was really Dagwood’s millionaire father, who disowned him when he decided to marry low-class flapper Blondie (this is the strip’s pre-Depression backstory, FYI) but who was never able to cut the kid out of his life completely, and so has kept him employed despite his obvious incompetence. I don’t think that’s true, but it’s hard to tell exactly what keeps these two together, not just professionally but socially as well. Today at least hints at the source of their codependence: their relationship provides the sort of dramatic highs and lows, the anger and catharsis, that their stable, happy, and boring home lives never could.
Normally, of course, I’d be imputing some kind of sexual relationship or tension here, but it’s obvious to anyone who reads Blondie that the only kind of thing that stirs Dagwood’s loins involves pastrami and lots of mustard.
Crock, 7/12/09
As a regular reader of the shambling nightmare that is Crock, the core grotesqueries of this particular strip — that the dog intends to urinate on the cactus as an act of malice, and that the cactus can bend on its own accord and fire off its spines as defensive missiles — come as no surprise to me. I am a little perturbed to learn that the camel’s name is “Quench.” I understand that there is a certain conceptual nexus between camels and water-drinking, but it doesn’t seem quite right; it’d be better as the name of a robot that, in an ill-conceived promotional exercise, can morph into a bottle of the new Quench™ brand sport energy drink, in the upcoming Paramount/Dreamworks film Transformers 3: Revenge of the Thirsty.
Oh, and the camel is wearing a hat, which is also inappropriate.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
At least it wasn’t an electric, pulsating cactus.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Dagwood=Beetle, Dithers=Sarge, and, uh, Blondie=Julius
July 12th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Congratulations on five years, Josh! And many more, if you factor in all the hours your Curminions spend at this site!
July 12th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
If Eric Mills name rings a bell right before the monk comes out, should Apartment 3G change its name to “Lama Lama Ding Dong”?
July 12th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
So I just realized the metaphor here. The dog is in the middle of the desert, and could lift his leg anywhere, but chooses to pee on (read: rape) a cactus instead. In response, the dog is left with needles in his privates (read: STDs). That the cactus is an obviously phallic symbol, and the presence of a camel’s “hump” are just what Garfield would call “a nice touch.”
July 12th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Does this look to anyone else like another repurposed old Blondie strip? Somehow the drawing and some of the dialogue seem a little old-school to me, even by Blondie standards.
Of course, given that there are roughly 7,000,532 strips that feature Dithers yelling at Dagwood and Dagwood cleaning out his desk, only to stay at his miserable, dead-end job he had to take after his rich folks disinherited him (and they probably died before the current recession hit, so he doesn’t even have the satisfaction of watching them lose their ill-gotten fortune), it might not be an actual revised version of an old strip as a new strip created from the Blondie Template Library, Chic Young’s only bequest to his extended family of children and ghost-artists.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Josh Oh Yes! Congratulations and all sorts of best wishes for many more years of Comics Curmudgeon-ing.
I’ve not been reading terrribly long but have been catching up in the archives when time allows. It’s an oasis in a chaotic world. Many thanks!
July 12th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Crock would have been so much more satisfying if it had starred Marvin, instead.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
“….the only kind of thing that stirs Dagwood’s loins involves pastrami and lots of mustard.”
Which would explain Dithers’ pants, don’t you think?
July 12th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Blondie: The kids call it Bromance today, Josh: two guys who work together, hang out, and definitely DON’T have sex unless they’re drunk enough to deny it. Kinda like Dag and Blondie.
Congrats on 5!!
July 12th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
“Bumstead, there’s no excuse for your sloppy work!”
“How appropriate. You fight like a cow.”
July 12th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
One would think that a desert plant would be happy for moisture of any sort. I suppose having a cactus “sing in the shower” would have gotten Crock banned from several newspapers, and would have raised the humor level to such a dizzying height that the heads of their core audience would explode.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Happy 5! What material is the fifth anniversary? I know the first is paper…..
July 12th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Good god, is Blondie’s figure even theoretically achievable, given our current understanding of physics, gravity, and the strength of the human spien? Her dimensions seem to be 48-7-36. She’s not supposed to be liquid metal, is she?
Also, if Mr. Dithers ever actually punches that giant button on the front of Dagwood’s shirt, the entire Blondie-verse will implode. You can see he’s really flirting with disaster in that first panel after the logo.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Urinate on the cactus? Oh thank God! I thought the dog was threatening to rape the cactus! Not just disturbing, but also a no-win scenario for all participants.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Dithers is so furious in the third panel that the stripes on his tie actually change direction.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
#29 bats :[ (last thread) – This one was priceless! If my printer were working, I’d put this one on the fridge.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I’m seriously curious about what the dog is planning to do to the possessed cactus. Given the yellow trail the dog is trailing behind, he’s obviously not planning to relieve his bladder on it.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Happy fifth, Josh!
I am inspired to go back and read through the first few months of Blondie strips, as compiled in one of those oversized books that you can sometimes pick up in the Bargain Books section of major book stores. If anyone thinks Blondie is tediously repetitive now, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen the “hunger strike” and “amnesia” plot lines!
July 12th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I hate words like “bromance”. People who coin them deserve to live in a cycle of despair, recrimination and psychological dependency. Like Dagwood and Tachey McWhocareswhathe’scalled here.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
When the dog said “Guess what I’m going to do to you,” I was gripped with terror and thought that they couldn’t possibly make this strip more inappropriate and disturbing. I was wrong.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Incidentally, if anyone deserves to be kept on at Dithers & Company, it’s the janitorial staff, who have given that floor a flawless mirror finish of the sort you usually only see in professional ice rinks or advertisements for very expensive car wax. And, digressing a bit, there are in fact car wax advertisements that are much funnier than this so I’m not entirely sure why I’m still staring at it as if it might undergo some mysterious internal process and emit a small, fleeting humor particle to reward my patient observation.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
BB: How hard is it to draw Beetle resting against a tree?? Shouldn’t that be like “Beetle 101″ at Walker-Browne, Inc.?
FW: Okay, I’ll ask the obvious: Becky’s holding the door open with what?
Sooo, are the next several weeks going to Castaway, The Majestic, or any All My Children plot from the ’90s?
July 12th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
The speed at which Bumstead and Dithers whizzed through their little mini-drama makes me wistful for the old days, when Blondie took up three rows of four instead of two rows of three plus throwaways, and this little tableau, while still not funny per se, would at least have been fleshed out in something more akin to a believable pace.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
What really skeeves me about the camel in Crock is its resemblance to a horribly deformed scrotum. I mean the goats in the strip sort of look like that as well, but something that looked like Quench would bring tears to the eyes of a hardened urologist.
Anyway, happy anniversary Josh.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Between the ancient wooden desks and chairs, the attire of both Dagwood and Mr. Dithers, and the fact that Dag still works on “contracts” with pen and paper, I think it’s become obvious that this entire office is just the ghostly apparition of a company that went out of business in the crash of ‘29. Dag keeps going back every day through some magical time portal — not only because he loves drama, but because he’s a huge steampunk fan.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
13. Lisa: the modern fifth anniversary gift is silverware (bleah, I spit on the uncreative heresy that is “modern” gifts).
The traditional is Wood. Hmmm. So many options here for Josh! Maybe a golf club from the Rex Morgan collection? A cease-and-desist letter from Woody Wilson (there’d probably be multiple copies of that sent out)?
July 12th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Monday spoilers –
ReFoob — In which Elly tells herself that it’s more important to be consistent than to make any sense.
Luann — Back to Brad and Toni. Zzzzzzzz…
July 12th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
My paper omits Blondie’s title panel so I’m noting it shows the Bumstead hound, Daisy, but omits Mr. Dithers. No wonder JD is so upset. It’s been a decade or more since Daisy played any part in D&B’s life while Mr. Dithers has been screaming at Dagwood every week. Like Rodney Dangerfield, the boss gets no respect.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Quench DeByrne, Hardened Urologist sounds like an up-and-coming soap strip that I would mostly trust other people to read for me so I don’t have to.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
# 26 BigTed — Thanks to you, I looked up steampunk. Good lord, how many other current movements and subcultures am I completely unaware of? Never mind, life is complicated enough. And I’ll agree with you re the time portal if that fugly blue chair can be made to fit your scenario.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
# 30 Wolfdog — I, on the other hand, would have to try reading it for at least a week.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Massive congrats & thanks, Josh!
bats :[ @y29 – Bwaaah!
Horny in Thesaurusville – What to make of the fact that Seth, a gay character, is brought in as an object of oglement for the elder Ms. Burber, but is not allowed to take part in the endless boink-fest that is 9CL circa 2009? Are there some boundaries McEldowney is unwilling to push against when they don’t involve pushing the one in his pants?
July 12th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
“Bill Rechin” (pronounced “retchin’”, no doubt) and “Don Wilder” must be pseudonyms, right? Nobody would put their actual name on that, that… thing.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
#31 Poteet: Steampunk is cool if you don’t get into it too much — in which case, like Dagwood, you might start shopping here:
http://www.steampunkemporium.com
July 12th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I just got off of a twelve hour shift, so I have nothing clever to say, but congratulations on five years of snark, Josh, and thank you for letting me post little self indulgent stories of the dysfunctional relationship that is Cassandra and the Bartender ( Now THERE’s a title), Here’s to five more.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Blondie: Yeah, I just re-read that, and that’s pretty much every “Cat And Curmudgeon” story in a nutshell. But with much better sex. And a lot of empty coke baggies.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Julius Dithers looks like he’s got some serious problems. He’s worn bright-yellow sweatpants to work, and when he cries his giant teardrops fly upwards off of his face. Of course, Dagwood is also experiencing Giant Flying Tears Syndrome, and when he cries he actually says the word “sob!” It would be best to lock these two up at the mental hospital in a room that resembles Dagwood’s office. They’d be none the wiser and the rest of society would finally be safe.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I’m hoping BigTed gets on the COTW list for that theory, but nonetheless I have to submit that Dagwood does use a computer.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Josh—Congrats on five years, and thank you for all the time you invest in us! If the traditional gift is wood, as bats :[ says above, well, then I wish you the wooden Mark Trail: may he supply many many punch-filled moments of amusement!
July 12th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Josh,congratulations on five years. Thanks to you I now regularly read Mary Worth, Gil Thorp, Judge Parker, Rex Morgan, and Mark Trail. You have a lot to answer for.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
“pastrami and lots of mustard”
eeeeeYYAAAAAAHHHHH! Brain bleach! I need BRAIN BLEACH NOW!!!
July 12th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I’ll just repost my comments on the above two from yester-yesterthread:
Blondie: I wish I knew how to quit you, Dithers & Company!
Crock: I suppose it’s to much to ask that the creators know the first thing about actual deserts before using them as a setting. That is supposed to be the Sahara, right? With a cactus, rather saguaro-like? Bats:[ knows what I mean, I’m sure!
July 12th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
@Steve the Pocket #39: Dagwood’s computer? Not a problem for steampunk.
Congrats on five years, even if I have only been around for a month or two of it myself. I’ll take your word for the other 58.
Now, if I can just find some wooden swan figurines….
July 12th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
# 35 BigTed — Wow. Thank you. To paraphrase Robert Louis Stevenson, the world is so full of a number of things, I’m sure we should all be gobsmacked.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Crock would have worked better if the dog had gotten cactus spines in his penis while peeing on it, up too close. If one finds that sort of thing amusing. Which I sort of do.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
44- Oh, I want one of those!!
My Cage- ongoing humiliation of the platypus. Sigh….
July 12th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Happy fifth anniversary, Josh! I’m so glad Wally’s back in time to celebrate with you!
I believe that of the torture methods used on Prisoners of War, “sending you home live out your miserable days in Westview until you get cancer and die” has got to be the most effective.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Crock — The camel also has inappropriate feet and a light-pull for a tail. But really, once a camel starts talking, other inappropriateness fits right in.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Man, urination was NOT my first thought, which just shows that my mind is a horrible place to live in. And why you’d want to do that with a cactus anyway…ouch.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Dagwood is way too much of a goy to eat pastrami. Boiled ham and American cheese, maybe.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Funk-E-town: Wally? Unless – Tom B. is fucking with us and this is Masky McDeath’s new look. Did Becky sense she was going to die and get her old horn because she figured her ex and her missing arm were waiting for her in Eternity?
Zenda Rex and his Happy Harem: Granted Rex King is Stripey Butt’s adopted son (who looks just like the damn twins) — but what? Rex is going to have to save the Princess from her evil cousins and chancellor, and raise the poor up to Middle class. Clearly we’re meant to be on the guard girl’s side.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Anyone reading the old Gray Morrow Tarzans?
July 12th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Note the quotation marks Dithers places around “Dithers & Company.” He long ago changed it from “Dithers & Son” but still can’t bring himself to accept the new company name.
Happy five!
July 12th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I actually interpreted the phrase “Be right back, Quench” (comma and all) as the dog’s statement that he was going to quench his own thirst. I figured he spoke in a sort of clipped shorthand and was too impatient to say “be right back, I need to quench my thirst.” A fact that evidently stuck with me when I read the stories of various explorers as a little lad was that, in a desert, you could always eat a cactus to get a little water if your supply had run out. I’m actually pretty sure I tried it out on a little piece of the cactus my grandma smuggled home from Hawaii in her handbag. I thought the dog was going to carefully take a bite just like I did. (Although I used a knife.)
July 12th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Happy anniversary Josh.
Were Becky One-Arm and Wally ever actually married? How long would she have to wait after he was MIA to have the marriage anulled (I guess) and take up with loser John?
July 12th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
And, wait a minute- does North Africa even have cacti? I doubt it.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Happy five year anniversary, Josh, and THANKS for writing this blog. You have enriched my life with snarkery.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
The really modern 5th anniversary is power tools! Happy Anniversary, and buy yourself a router.
July 12th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
@NotThatGuy #59: The woodworking kind or packet-working kind?
One of each?
July 12th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
FC Whoa. First, a dirty hippie has snacks with the Keanes…and now a hipster with facial hair is living next door. Budding bromance, perhaps? It starts with one beer, Bil.
July 12th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
#31 – Poteet
I thought everyone had heard of steampunk! The RPG circles, video gamers, sci-fi fans, anime otaku… they all have steampunk in them. And who else is there to ask really? :)
For a great steampunk comic strip, check out http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/
July 12th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Happy 5th Josh!
Seeing as that the traditional gift for a 5th anniversiary is wood I give you the last 10 story arcs of Luann.
May you have many more years of curmudgeoniness!
July 12th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
I’m easy to shop for. I like to get wood every anniversary.
July 12th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
For a fifth anniversary I shall give the number 5 in five different bases:
Base 1:
||||Base 2: 101
Base 3: 12
Base 4: 11
Base 5: 10
Voila!
July 12th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
FW – By denying us Wally’s vengeful and murderous ghost ending everyone who he has ever come into contact with, we’re pretty much confirmed that the grand finale of this strip will indeed be put off for at least one more story arc. And that is the saddest story they could give us.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:27 am
7/13 FW: If you saw Sunday, skip today. It’s the same art with text bubbles.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:33 am
#47 Lisa: Someday we may even find out why the duck-billed platypus.
Not why is it anything. Just why it is.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:42 am
“New” FW: Since only the dialogue confirming the fairly obvious is different from Sunday, this will be my comment:
“AWK-warrrrrrrrrrrrd!”
My Sunday comment, but as dialogue confirming the fairly obvious.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:45 am
The contents of Dagwood’s emptied desk drawer bother me: a CD-ROM, a bottle of glue, a small bone and one of Mary Worth’s salmon squares. I’m almost afraid to ask what job requires all those things.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:53 am
#70 Carrie – From the looks of it, I suspect Dagwood has been practicing voodoo to try to bring a salmon back to life, using a bone and DNA from Mary’s salmon square, glue and the CD of his copy of Cloning he ordered from Video Professor.
“Try my product!”
July 13th, 2009 at 12:53 am
#39, Steve the Pocket: Whoa! That strip only proves Dagwood uses a monitor. There’s no actual computer either on his desk or under it, and there’s no room behind the desk or in the small drawers. So now I’m guessing Dithers & Company merely provides unconnected monitors with a printout of angry fist-shaking glued to the screen, which is why the employees use pencils for all their actual work.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:01 am
# 62 Dr. Weird — Thanks! These revelations are fun.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:07 am
7/13 H & J — I blame the twisted minds I’ve encountered on this site for what I’m imagining will happen next.
Okay, the other twisted minds.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:21 am
7/13
Pluggers — I will never understand why more Plugger strips don’t take place in funeral homes.
FW — Please, please, let him have a matching missing arm.
DT — I’m guessing we’ll get to see this storyline explained at least two more times before it finally expires. It smells dead already.
MW — I hope we’ll get to see Delilah and Charley fooling around as well as umpteen more iterations of Mary’s Foreboding Expression Of Doom.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Congrats on 5 years, Josh and Co.
Meanwhile, wrt Mr El Butto Stripeyo:
The unknown commander’s a few brain cells short wrt protecting his identity. How about his wearing a mirrored visor reflecting inquiring looks back?
Or short lengths of mirrored safety glass enclosing the rear seats?
Or best of all, resurrect Ed Wood’s PLAN 9 and use a shower curtain stretched across the cabin door?
July 13th, 2009 at 1:22 am
New:
Ghost-Who-Likes-Spunk-Alot-For-What-It’s-Worth: Oh, give the poor woman a break already!
ReFOOB: That’s right up there with George Carlin’s parental “stupid rules” concept.
A3G: …
DT: WE KNOW!!!
GF: That was no “happy accident”! Just get that cat and beat the devil out of him. I believe we have a finished snarking. From all of… me… happy snarking, and God bless, my friend.
ZtP: Too crazy for this culture? Nah! (Sadly, that’s not a bad idea) Also, I like how the title is doing our snarking for us.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:55 am
MW: If you have not one but two failed marriages under your belt, you fail at life as far as Mary Worth is concerned.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:59 am
#75 Poteet on FW:
A tempting prospect but I’m afraid the other arm was visible in the Sunday strip.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:05 am
Josh–happy anniversary. I’m so glad I stumbled across this site via rec.arts.comics.strips a while back. It’s a great place, and I’ve met some great people through it, too. :)
Molly
July 13th, 2009 at 2:57 am
7/13
Blondie:
Holy moses, how sad is it that not only is it referring to a REAL SHOW, but that I recognize it? (I Survived a Japanese Game Show)
July 13th, 2009 at 2:59 am
AJGLU3000 Again with the coonskin caps! What the hell?! Are they trapped in Pleasantville?
Cathy (Must Die!) Yeah well, I usually use my vacations for scheduling surgeries or centered around my children’s events. MY idea of a dream vacation would be to spend a week at a goat farm, but we all know it’s just a dream. *sigh*
Surgically Grafted Hat So Curtis will marry anyone who makes him smile so satisfied because of topical cream ointment? Eeeepy creepy, it’s like watching one of those hideous Extenz commercial on late-night tv.
Children of the Circle I’m glad for once that Billy’s just expressing his junior grade machismo, rather than letting his pals bribe him into a glimpse up Dolly’s skirt. That sort of horror could damage a young mind.
Feeble Walkaboutbean Great, so we are going to have three weeks of John moping around, Becky waffling back and forth between Wally and John, and Wally making everyone pay for not checking with the American Red Cross, who in the real world would have told them he was found and coming home when the Army got him a replacement uniform. Batuik, you really, REALLY fail. Go back to the fantasy of a machine-gun nest in the school at the hall monitor station.
Generics ‘R Us Bow chicka bow wow, that hand on the shoulder tells me Jamal is really looking forward to enjoying Herb.
Scenes from Suburban Hell Yeah, Hi. Don’t tease her by passing a screwcap under her nose. This is Lois Bailey we’re talking about, here. She knows her Boone’s Farm; she can tell you what month the Thunderbird was bottled. She knows when Miss Belle Woods is holdin’ corn squeezin’s in Mason jars in the empty lot next to the Greater Metropolitan Roopville Feed & Seed Store.
Judge Randy Parker, Claw Man! He’s heading to Aldo’s Point with April, which means it’s what, a month in Parker Time since they fooled around in the Cliff House? Work it like a claw, Randy!
Sweet & Shallow Tease No, honey; if he was feeling frisky he’d be heading for the bedroom. Not that it would do him any good thanks to Evans.
Fist O Justice Theater You won’t show me my drums if I show you my drums first! Nuh-uh! Can. Can too. I’m'll gonna show you your drums, and then I’ll show you my drums, and then I’m'll paste you a mad fist upside yo head!
The Legacy That Wouldn’t Leave She’s right. What’s the big deal about balloons?
Kit Walker, 3-G Ranger Oh, it’s not enough that we are hit with crappy color in Apartment 3-G; now The Ghost-Who-Does-Monochrome has to be in on it too.
Meddle House Mary, Mary… you know, it is HER decision what she does with her life. She was planning to leave her husband, even if it was for the stupidest, simplest non-reasons. So: let her make a fool out of herself. You’ll have TWICE the meddling to do, then. Win/Win.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Crock: While the dog announces that he intends to urinate on the cactus, the bright yellow line in the sand that marks his progress toward said cactus makes it clear that he’s already — oh christ, I’m analyzing Crock. Please shoot me.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:11 am
FW
I wonder if Tom “It’s called writing” Batiuk will have an explanation for Wally’s 10 year captivity, which is completely unprecedented in modern history, and certainly for soldiers a war zone. In Iraq and Afghanistan, captive soldiers tend to be rescued by the army or executed for propaganda videos in fairly short order. That’s twice as long as any hostage in Lebanon was held, and the situation in Afghanistan is nothing like that in Lebanon.
Will he be man enough to say that FW is now set in the future and project the state of international affairs in the strip, instead of pretending it’s still “right now?”
Will there be ANY explanation, a lame one like “I was undercover special forces for all this time” or just more misery heaped out? Well, the last one, clearly.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:17 am
#84 Dr. Weird – I’m betting on “I was kidnapped by the Taliban and managed to escape, and it took me TEN YEARS to find my way back home. Didn’t you read it? It was in all the papers and on all the news channels. Oh, and Cindy Summers is going to be here in about ten minutes to do a human interest story on our whole dual-husband dilemma we got here, so to really rachet up our misery. Gee, I haven’t missed business-as-usual around here!”
July 13th, 2009 at 3:32 am
MT: Given that there’s no indication that Mark has actually left the restaurant, I’m a bit surprised that Miss Williams and her doofy-haired brother are discussing why he didn’t tell Mark the whole story and how he fears death more than jail. I admit, I’m waiting with bated breath for tomorrow’s installment where, undoubtedly, Mark will respond to the brother’s latest statements by insisting again that somebody’s going to jail.
MW: Delilah’s not being totally honest here — Charlie’s not just an old “friend,” he’s an old boyfriend. Mary should rest easy because if Delilah starts letting Charlie into Chez Worth through the window each night, it’s not like he’ll be seeing anything he hasn’t before.
A3G: “That friend gave me his orange bathrobe, which I intend to wear until the day I die.”
DtM: Dennis might not be Tarzan, but honestly, somebody’s got to do something about those horrid curtains.
Die Phantom Betrogen: I suppose she’ll see the Stripey Pants when she uses a compact mirror to re-adjust her makeup before they land. And she’ll finally get to see a guy wearing a mask.
Jugs Parker: Randy’s picking up April at the airport? Where’s Neddy? After two years, I think we were all hoping for a bit of the Nedster.
Sex Organ, M.D.: “You may have noticed that there are many more female than male alzheimer patients? It’s because we’ve been feeding the men to the women. And because of their alzheimers symptoms, we’re able to keep doing it at every meal…”
Slylock Fox: After sticking his paws into each drink to feel around the ice cubes to see which were cold and which weren’t, Slylock then realized that on a hot and humid day, only one of the glasses would have ice cubes whose size had not shrunk.
Blondie: The colorists are enamored with cyan today. Blondie’s pants, the enormous chair, Dagwood’s shirt, the carpool car and two of the suits within it. Now stop it.
Luann: At panel 3 we see Toni’s had an opportunity to build up some of those big firefighter muscles from curling pints. Things that used to be curved are now starting to look square. Perhaps it was a good thing that she fell on him when she was about 40 lbs. lighter.
Funky Pantysniffer: Odds are that one arm is not being shown because it isn’t there, highlighting that these two could’ve been a matched pair.
Spider-Man: The way Peter Parker’s standing there in that doorway seems mighty familiar… with those sketchily drawn wrench-holding vintage racecar drivers from the A-Ha video closing in, he had no choice but to bounce back and forth within that doorframe and appear in this comic strip… sadly, just in time for Wolverine to carve him a new one and take his woman.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:23 am
It took a painfully long time for me to realise that the punchline in Blondie is that Dagwood doesn’t consider the exchange with his boss “drama”. This made me smile unironically.
I then put a paper bag over my head and beat myself with a stick for ten minutes for finding Blondie anything other than soul-crushingly annoying.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:21 am
H&J: Jamaal successfully avoids all the depressing news of the day – easy enough, since his local rag tucks their big headlines safely out of view on the back page – until Funky Winkerbean jumps him in the comics section and mugs him for his tears.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:15 am
I suppose it’s a bit like pointing out blue in the sky, but the geometry of the nose and glasses configuration in Doonesbury is… really… unusual today.
La Cucaracha: “Huh. It’s ‘The Bible’ again this month.”
Momma: With that order, even if your sons don’t show up, there’s a near hundred percent chance that either Dagwood or Ted Forth will — most likely floating in along the traditional wafting aroma lines. Heck, you might even see a stray wolfdog hanging around your yard. (Quite tame, but don’t forget to put out some beer.)
July 13th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Archie: We now know what happens if you feed Dashiell Hammett into the AJGLU. It still cannot prevent Jughead from thinking of meatballs.
’shaft: Ed misses his days on the chain gang, digging holes and filling them in again.
‘bean: Now in an all-sideways format! Enjoy Creepy Les Moore stalking his daughter…sideways! Thrill to Funky’s destruction of all he touches…tilted 90 degrees! You’ll be on the edge of your seat as Batiuk tries to milk the Wally thing for all it’s worth…on its side!
Gil: It’s a warning from Clambake.
H&J: The look on Herb’s face. This is no longer consensual.
Randy Parker, Scofflaw Judge!: First panel: speeding. Second panel: conspiring to indecent exposure.
Luann: Is it something in the water today?
Phantom: Mrs Walker* may be able to thwart his adventures at sea, but she can’t be everywhere.
Slylock: Simple, he smelled them. Wanda’s “laughing potion” is obtained by tapping a kidney. It’s not very magical, but it does make her laugh if she can get anyone to drink any.
*From Wife-of-Ghost-who-wants-to-walk-the-Appalachian-trail.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Congrats on the anniversary, Josh! You have brought a daily smidgeon of joy into my sad, pathetic life. Much as Mary Worth has brought us such joy all this week!
Speaking of which, I’m afraid to admit I’m really starting to like Smarmy Charley, the Dork-Haired Playboy of Charterstone. Thus far he’s “to be blamed for the DEMISE of two MARRIAGES”. To which I say—forget for a moment Charley’s obviously lame pick-up lines, as well as the personal responsibility of the other person involved in each affair—more importantly, um, where was MARY during all this? Standing by helplessly, with a deer-in-the-headlights clueless moron look on her face? You know, much like Delilah looks right now?
July 13th, 2009 at 6:53 am
#84 Dr. Weird, #85 True Fable,
Yes, I was wondering how Wally could arrive on Becky’s doorstep unannounced and in uniform. Two possible answers:
(1) He figured that he’d been marked AWOL, and would be court-martialled and shot if he reported back at base. (This doesn’t happen in the real world, but is plausible in the Funkyverse.) So, his epic escape from the Taliban included walking across Africa, paddling the Atlantic in a makeshift raft and sneaking across the Mexican border. He still wears the uniform he was captured in, and Becky’s uneasiness is mostly because he reeks beyond belief.
(2) 10 years ago Wally defected to Elbonia, and is now supreme-arch-generalissimo of their Army. He’s home because the 3,652 changes of clothes in his palace have finally run out, and he wants Becky to iron them all. (As we know, Becky is the only Funky character capable of ironing).
July 13th, 2009 at 7:00 am
MT: Jail…. Dead…. Fists O’ Justice…. what’s the difference?
FW: My neck hurts.
9CL: My head hurts.
July 13th, 2009 at 7:21 am
First Delilah, now Dagwood…boy, the one-button look is really catching on!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:26 am
MW: I love Delilah’s logic. If Charley had been seen exiting the scene of two suspicious condo fires carrying a jug of kerosene, a charcoal lighting wand and casually mentioned at the next pool party that he had a bedwetting problem, she probably would have said, “Well, those places were probably going to spontaneously combust anyway!”
July 13th, 2009 at 7:29 am
So does anyone have access to the 10/11/07 Funky Winkerbean strip that’s supposed to be a hint to this storyline? I figure Wally decided to devote the rest of his life to getting rid of landmines and Becky took Rana and left him.
July 13th, 2009 at 7:36 am
ATTENTION EARTHERS! CLENCH ORIFICAE TO MAXIMUM CLOSURE! CHENNUX SPEAKS!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO THE ONE CALLED JOSH! IN HONOR OF THIS
EUSPICIOUSAOUSPICIOUSESPISIOUSEVENT, YOUR EMPEROR FIRES A ELEVENTYTWELVE MAGMACANNON SALUTE! AT THE STUPID SPELLCHECK! HAHA!HAVE MANY MORE, RED FOLLICLED ONE!
END TRANSMISSION!
July 13th, 2009 at 8:00 am
A3G – I’m sorry, Lodi, but I think your English still needs work; “wonderful” doesn’t actually mean “bland and uninteresting.”
Boondocks – But it still has an ethereal, otherworldly quality, doesn’t it?
Crankshaft – Ha ha! Crankshaft’s life is so miserable that when he’s choosing between interacting with his family and doing the kind of work the Nazis used as a psychological experiment on their prisoners, he’ll choose the latter!
FC – I don’t quite know why, but this seems like a good target for Angry Kem.
FW –
GA – Is God trying to get them to fuck? Because this seems like a good way to go about it.
GT – Gil’s staring at that baseball like one of the homo erectus from 2001. The question: what is he going to evolve into, a couple million years from now?
JP – “Yes, let’s go to the cliff house where Mimi certainly isn’t! Nothing bad could possibly await us there!”
Love Is… – JESUS CHRIST.
Luann – No, Toni. No he isn’t. He doesn’t even know what the word means. Just give it up, already. Whatever you see in this lump, you’re never actuallly going to get him to function as a sexual being; he’s been completely broken of that, thanks to his mother.
MW – Wow, I knew Mary was trying to get Delilah sequestered away, but she actually had her in a wimple for a minute there. Biddy knows what she’s doing, but Delilah’s will is proving impressively hard to break; she’s just too dense to be easily meddled. I wonder if Mary enjoys a challenge?
MC – Hey, I wear flannel in public!
NS – See, I like this. Why can’t Non Sequitur be like this more often?
Phantom – “I like that in an underling!”
Pluggers – Pluggers require constant infusions of a chemical cocktail for their bodies to function even to a limited extent.
SM – This is going to be so depressing.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:02 am
@anonymous #96: Sure, piece of cake: http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20071011&name=Funky_Winkerbean
July 13th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Oh, great. Now I have images of Dagwood/JC Dithers slash in my head.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Happy 5th, Josh! Followed a link from a newspaper (or online) item two-and-a-half years back, became addicted in short order. CC’s been entertaining, informative, educational, just about all commentors come across great, but, Geez, I’m late for work again. (Thanks, though)
Btw, my GT prediction: A street kid in Gil’s neighborhood who hits titanic foul balls into people’s houses gets recruited for Whatshisname’s new street kid league, then gets busted for using steroids. Or something like that.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats.
/Seinfeld reference.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Dilbert – The PHB has his hand inside a small animal. That is still alive. Dilbert is now for fetishists.
S-M – I look forward to seeing Peter Parker punch a pillow while watching television and moping over the fact that Logan and Mary Jane will be out on the most boring, non-sexual date of all time, yet somehow that will be more exciting than their evenings together.
Zits – Jeremy is envisioning a future where all his girlfriends are shaved everywheres.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:02 am
#96: I believe this is what you’re asking about: http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20071011&name=Funky_Winkerbean
July 13th, 2009 at 9:04 am
67 Trekkie: “7/13 FW — If you saw Sunday, skip today. It’s the same art with text bubbles.”
Actually, Jeebus also changed all Wally’s ribbons to gold medals overnight.
He did it especially to cheer Wally up, who was disconsolate because he expected to turn Becky’s world upside down but only managed to knock it over on its side.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:09 am
y29, bats:[: OMG! that is so made of win and awesome. Somewhere, Mr. Tatulli (or perhaps Pastis) is crying because you did the joke first.
MC: Maureen using mom-speek on Norm. You’d think that she could find folks willing to pay many shamoleans for that. . . .
July 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am
102 The Great Ka Floopa Gush: Another Seinfeld reference: Wolverine reminds me of the Seinfeld girlfriend who sometimes was gorgeous and sometimes wasn’t. He can go from almost-Hugh to almost-Plugger in the course of one strip.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:17 am
16 One-eyed Wolfdog says: “Dithers is so furious in the third panel that the stripes on his tie actually change direction.”
This must be Pissed-Off Clothes-Morphing Monday, then. Overnight, the transdimensional tornado of MW’s ire has totally rearranged the Purple Kush leaves on her dress.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Curtis: I pity the woman who will some day see that look on Curtis’s face during post-coital bliss.
FC: I’m a little freaked out that Family Circus just inadvertently captured about 60% of the reason for the glass ceiling.
BB: Beetle just got a 7-day free trial on a toddler bed. And: Would YOU like to buy the returned trial mattress after it’s been in Beetle’s and Sarge’s company for seven days?
JP: Geez, is Randy 17? I recall my boyfriend using that approach on me when I was in high school: “Hey, let’s drive up here to this isolated spot to ‘watch the sunset’!” (But then again, it worked.)
A3G: Oh my god, this plot is interminable. Can we get some Chinese troops in here to break this thing up already?
(Sorry–SO inappropriate….)
July 13th, 2009 at 9:31 am
9CL: Haanh? Sister Anysia is sinking into the quagmire but “20 Mule Team” Thorax is on solid footing.
How can this be? He has such tiny feet.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Re Crock:
Thats…not…urine…
July 13th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Dilbert: OK, I have to say that today’s Dilbert was an unusually gross way to start my Monday. I am not grateful.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:32 am
*That’s*
Dang grammar…
July 13th, 2009 at 9:37 am
JP 7/13:
Look at how the sun as it sets bathes everything in a luminous golden hue.
Yeah, yeah. Speaking of golden, wanna find out why they call me “April Showers” back home?
‘K.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Congrats on the 5 years Josh.
FW: I’m hoping the next strip is
Becky: “Well here’s your trombone, I could have shippped it.”
Wally: “Thanks – that’s okay – I wanted to grab a pizza at my brother’s place before I went back.”
Becky: “Okay then bye”
Wally: “Bye”
Door shuts and the stupid plotline is never mentioned again.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:43 am
y29 bats :[ : What queek@106 said! You’re a comic genius.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Sally Forth: Aaaahhh! This comic just throws you violently into the next storyline!
(With apologies to MST3K)
July 13th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Congrats Josh on five years of curmudgeoning! :-)
Steampunk: I love it, was into it about five years before I had any idea what it was. I wandered into it because my paintings are a heavily romanticised take on the era from roughly 1890-1910.
Big Ted’s theory about Dagwood should be COTW. I’m not only familiar with the fine clothes sold at Steampunk Emporium, I own some of them though purchased through other purveyors of reproduction 19th Century clothing. In my closet are three Victorian frock coats, four or five waist coats, two cravats, and three stand up collar shirts. I wear the attire often enough to be known for it locally.
My Funky theory: Batiuk has recently seen the Nicole Kidman movie The Others. There’s a scene where the character played by Kidman has her husband mysteriously appear out of the fog. Of course like just about everybody in this movie, he’s a ghost. Soon, everyone in Funky Winkerbean will be a ghost consumed by cancer.
Mary Worth: At first, I thought the current storyline was going to be the most turgid yet, but it has changed rather wonderfully into something wickedly funny. I don’t know if it’s intentional or not, but I’m enjoying the hell out of it. Charley is deliciously evil, I hope he becomes a recurring nemesis and Mary loses big where protecting Delilah’s “virtue” is concerned.
My Cage The current storyline about Norm’s depression has also been quite a treat. Especially today’s (7/13) Flannel in public, indeed!
July 13th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Happy 5th, Josh!
C’shaft: You know what’s less entertaining than meaningless busywork? Hearing someone talking about their meaningless busywork!
reFOOB: Ah, the “because I said so” method of parenting. My paternal grandmother was apparently an expert at it, which is probably why my dad avoided it altogether.
FW: I hope this is a Martin Guerre thing, and “Wally” is actually an impostor insinuating himself into Funkytown for some dubious purpose.
MW: Normally I would say it’s wise to take Mary’s brand of small-town gossip with a grain of salt. However, since Obviously Evil Charley was doing everything short of ripping Delilah’s crop top open right there in the park to convey his intentions, I have to conclude that Delilah, like the other victimized women in this comic, is spectacularly oblivious. Charley could be tying her to the bed and holding a dripping candle over her naked body and she’d be thinking “It’s so nice of my dear old friend to give me a free bikini wax!”
July 13th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Wait, Lodi Gyatsu’s friends with Whoever Winkerbean? And when will Margo cross between comic strip dimensions to slap everyone in Funky Winkerbean senseless, or senseful, or just keep slapping?
Chip Hitler doesn’t know how dogs work, which is why he thinks it abnormal that his dog “runs on dog food and water”. Or he knows that people have been talking about this word “hybrid” a lot and figures it must make a joke if used inappropriately enough.
Hi and Lois presents far too many challenges today for Hi and Lois. First, there’s the question why they’re smelling the cap of a ketchup bottle. Then there’s the question of why their ketchup bottle contains a genie who speaks French. If their genie ketchup isn’t speaking, then, they must be sitting outside the improbably named restaurant Pas Tres Cher, putting their own cloth and bringing plastic drinking glasses to a park bench outside for their own sad, Pluggers-like impersonation of a dinner out as a bellhop removes the old Sci-Fi Channel logo from the premises. The genie who speaks French is the least baffling element in that case.
Mentioning MST3K: the new box set includes the episode Racket Girls, which in just 90 minutes of film features over 200 hours of footage from the Tedious Ladies Of Wrestling league from the Fifties I Guess. The shocking thing about this alleged movie is that one of the Tedious Wrestlers is clearly Mary Worth. I never imagined such things were in her past. This makes her viselike hold on Delilah all the more powerful.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:36 am
77 Mibbitmaker: Nicely done. I know he’s corny and all, but damn it, Bob Ross always makes me smile.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Blandie: My Sunday paper cut off the first two panels of the Dagwood/Dithers deathmatch. Normally, that goes without mention, as they are normally as dead as the dead tree upon which they are printed. But woah, these opened up a whole new dimension here. The argument actually has a vague cause. I thought it had something to do with Dithers bouncing on his ass and flinging his arms like a Mickey Mouse watch at 4:00. And Dag’s Zinger that reveals a backlog of untried excuses awaiting the appropriate moment – that really gives a lot of understanding into what it is that Dagwood actually does all day.
Crock has me quite baffled. The strange, grey mammalian-style beast urinates on the cactus, providing it with life sustaining water. And the thanks that it gives is a literal pain in the ass? I also think the Camel’s remark is non-sequitur. “As you were saying?” What the grey mammal-like creature said to the camel was “(I’ll) Be right back.” and he was.
9CL: Still in the pond with the fat, bald, naked dude? STILL?
Dick: So they were letting some people win from the casino, and then stealing the money? Wow.
Wait, if they were letting people win, did they then go to that person’s house and then steal back the money? Yes? Ok.
Hold on. They would go to this person’s house, and steal the money that the person won from their casino, right?
We stay here, and don’t leave, until you (or anyone else) – oh, just you? Come to get him. Oh, him? Right, it seemed a bit daft, me guarding him when he’s a guard.
Anyway, the casinos would let some people win…
July 13th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Congrats Josh. You outlasted Lynn, and the Zombie strips don’t count.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am
FC: Do it Dolly, show him how much of a bitch you really can be!
July 13th, 2009 at 11:22 am
#120 – Chip – That is not a ketsup bottle in H&L. Smelling the cap of a ketsup bottle would be at least a little funny, and really in Dagwood’s / Sgt. Snorkel’s bailiwick. See, you should have played comic doc today.
And to add further lameness on Marmaduke, “hybrid”, when applied to vehicles, means “runs on gas and/or something else”. When applied to dogs, it has the more literal “born of two breeds”. I think the correct word for this situation is “omnivore”, which means “eats mean and vegetable matter”. But “food and water” eaters encompass pretty much the entire animal kingdom and arguably the kingdoms plantae, protista and fungi as well. Even Herb & Jamaal would limit themselves to a particular phylum.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Funky W. is now being brought to you by Pete Townsend.
And Blondie brings passive-aggressiveness to a whole new level. It almost outdoes FOOB.
Happy Anniversary Josh and CC!
July 13th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Dagwood, much like George Costanza, finds pastrami to be the most sensual of the salted meats.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
#97 Your Magnificence, so kind of you to drop by! Don’t let it be another five years.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Today’s Blondie — Hey, did Dagwood just call his Boss an ‘SOB’?
Today’s Crock — It ACTUALLY take TWO guys to write this strip???
Today’s Luann — NO Sex going between Brad and Toni. Stay tuned tommorrow for even MORE No Sex going between Brad and Toni!
_______________________-
DEATH to TJ!
July 13th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
# 86 – COTW!
“Spider-Man: The way Peter Parker’s standing there in that doorway seems mighty familiar… with those sketchily drawn wrench-holding vintage racecar drivers from the A-Ha video closing in, he had no choice but to bounce back and forth within that doorframe and appear in this comic strip… sadly, just in time for Wolverine to carve him a new one and take his woman.”
July 13th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I appreciate your optimism regarding the happenings in Dolly’s brain.
Considering the environment, though, I think her thoughts are more likely “Wow! Billy’s finally starting to live into his God-given place as ruler of woman!”
July 13th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Are Blondie comics from its first days online? Being lazy by asking, I guess.
Seems like the cartoonist ought to consider rewriting Bumstead’s family in again some day, to break out of the monotony.
Anyone ever seen the Blondie movies?
July 13th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Josh – you don’t find anything “inappropriate” the 9″ penis hanging off Quench’s face?
July 13th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
any Final Fantasy players here? That Crock strip reminds me of Quactuars or Cactuars who shoot the 1000 (or sometimes 10000) needles attack! ;)
They can run away tho
October 17th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I think the Spiderman comic is cool. I can’t stand these sites where wanna be comics pick apart others work, when they just sit there eating pappa johns after their 9-5 jobs at the gas and go because they don’t have the talent to do anything original themselves. josh may read, which is a surprise, power to the special ed teachers.