WOO COMICS SEXYTIME!
Luann, 7/14/09
You might think that being a big-shot semi-professional comics-mocking blogger is all fun and games, but I suffer for my art, and for you, my faithful audience. If you doubt the extent to my suffering, consider this: while most of you probably read today’s Luann and allowed an icy shiver to travel the length of your spine for a moment before moving on to something that didn’t make you doubt the existence of a loving God, I’ve spent most of today trying to figure out something to say about it, because, despite my previous declaration of disgust on this point, I sort of feel obliged to do so. Here’s the best I could come up with: I dearly hope that Brad and Toni are unable to back away from the implications of their cut-rate ham-handed “suggestive” dialogue and end up screwing right there on the sidewalk, at which point they’ll be arrested for public lewdness, thrown in jail, and murdered by revenge-minded but dimwitted criminals who can’t distinguish between firefighters and police officers. Next, a similar sequence of events polishes off Luann and Gunther, Tiffany and Quill, and most of the rest of the cast, with the strip being refocused on the adventures of Puddles the dog and, oh, let’s say Knute.
Beetle Bailey, 7/14/09
By comparison with the above, it’s been a joy to contemplate the pink tubelike form of naked General Halftrack. Ha ha, the general doesn’t like it when the doctor puts skin cream on his anus!
Judge Parker, 7/14/09
Long-time faithful readers of Judge Parker and this blog will remember that Randy’s ascendence to the position of Judge-Dictator of Parkerville, USA, began three years ago with an election race against the sleazy Reggie Black, whose main campaign strategy was to imply that Randy was gay. Randy emerged victorious, of course, by focusing on the issues, specifically on the issues that Reggie’s wife Celeste had with alcohol and rage. Anyway, poor Reggie, wherever he is, would probably love to have heard Randy admit that he doesn’t have any lady friends. Presumably, having learned well from his sensei Sam Driver, Randy has taken April to this romantic spot so that he can gaze wistfully out over the vista, with April eventually attempting to force his nose into her cleavage, to no avail.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
“No, no, General, the skin cream is for me. It seems my nurse forgot to order more Astroglide, and, well, it’s either this or Crisco, and with what I’ve been telling you about your cholesterol, I thought maybe this was the better way to go. Now – this is the part that’s going to hurt. Just think back to your basic training and it should be over in no time.”
July 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
The general has no sense of timing when it comes to S&M roleplay, I’ll tell you that.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
You can say one thing for “Judge Parker” — all the “hot ladies” actually do look hot. (As opposed to, say, “Luann,” in which female pulchritude is inevitably represented by a floating pair of duck lips.) In fact, with all that talent walking around, it’s a shame there aren’t any male characters who can actually appreciate them.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Brad: “Damn, I thought we were still talking about me going to the bathroom.”
July 14th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Why? Why is it that whenever Luann alludes to sex I renew my vow of abstinence?
This may in fact be one of the more successful campaigns against premarital sex. Or sex of any kind. Ever.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I think someone with photoshop skills should take the dialogue from the first two Luann panels and apply them to Beetle Bailey.
On second thought…..noooooooooooooooo!
July 14th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Does the general have a safe word?
July 14th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
If you’d have told me yesterday that the gayest Beetle Bailey in history would feature General Halftrack, I would not have believed you.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
BB: General Halftrack is HAWT! …But then, I do have a sausage fetish.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
So the doctor warned him that “this” may hurt… then scorns Halftrack when he reacts in pain? Don’t use acid skin cream or whatever the hell, you quack! At least antecede your pronouns so the comic isn’t a study in hypocrisy and sloppiness! …yes, I’m sure my righteous anger at Beetle Bailey will produce positive changes in its presentation… *sob*
July 14th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Ick. I saw the b&w version of Halftrack Goes to the Proctologist in the newspaper, and in color it’s even more painful.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
BB— My guess is that the “doctor” is applying this fine product to General Halftrack: http://www.buttpaste.com/BLButtPaste.php
FW— I don’t think that it matters that Wally is still alive. If he’s not already dead, I’m sure that Batiuk will kill him off soon. It’s the way of Master Batiuk: Have characters escape cruel fates, and then send them into worse ones. After brainstorming (or, in this case, mental masterbatiuking) here is my prediction: Wally will be killed in a car wreck, with a drunken Becky at the wheel.
While that would be karma in the FW world, there are certainly a lot more creative ways of killing Wally. So, fellow ‘Mudges, submit your “Death to Wally” ideas, and let’s see who’s most prescient.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
BB & Luann — This just can’t be. No. I refuse to believe this. However, I must admit, it is somewhat fascinating.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
12 Alfred: I like the idea (stolen from someone else) that Funky’s kleptomaniac kid will steal Wally’s artificial leg…causing him to fall onto the third rail of Winkerville’s subway system…immediately frying him…..uh, Winkerville doesn’t have a subway system? C’mon, Batiuk. Draw me a subway system. Or at least a trolley.
Yeah, that’s it. And Wally will be showing off how far he can now stretch with his prosthetic arm and he gets caught on the overhead electrical wire……
July 14th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
JP — Thank you, Mr. Barreto, for another reminder that the Ladies of JP look seductive no matter what they utter. April could be asking with some urgency if there’s a restroom around, but her eyes would still be saying “Take me here, now!”
July 14th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
MW – The steel beams drilled into Mary Worth’s facial bones to serve as structural supports for her face, have failed.
In the second panel, the side of Mary’s face is sliding off like cake icing left out in the Summer sun.
Tomorrow, I expect to see swaths of loose wrinkled skin fall from her face, finally revealing her real red-eyed terminator visage to the world.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Josh: the only one in Luann that needs saving is Tiffany.
She should, however, be drawn without any dialogue ala “Henry” or “Lio”.
And always in her bikini.
Go with your strengths, Greg.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Josh, I wholeheartedly support your idea, and suggest that the demise of the main cast be at the hands of a maniacally grinning, blood-splattered TJ wielding a meat cleaver.
#12 Alfred E. Neuman – I imagine Wally’s demise will involve him playing guerilla warfare with Les’s old WWII machine-gun, probably in the halls of the high school.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
JP: Please allow Randy his wistful look over the vista of his domain. Uneasy lies the head of Judge Parker, son of Judge Parker, grandson of Judge Parker…Defender of the Realm…Owner of Red Convertible Which Is Allowed to Park Sideways in The Roadway.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Luann — Gaaaah! Really bad flirting! Really painful flirting! Really inept flirting! Quick, let’s go back to the story of Fair Dinkum and the Three Poolside Floozies!
And Josh, you should put a limit on your own suffering, truly. Your brain deserves some protection.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
12. Alfred E. Neuman re BB: dang, you beat me to it!
(Maybe “BB” also refers to Boudreaux’s Butt-paste.)
July 14th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
17 Me: And save Bernice, too. And her brother so Tiffany has someone to play with.
In her bikini.
With Bernice joining in.
You know you want to do it, Greg.
Give in.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
JP – With parking like that, it’s no wonder that people like Aldo Kelrast have to drive over cliffs.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Oh, Toni, nothing involving Brad could ever be considered remotely “exciting,” but I am 100% with you on the “scary” part.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
@19: So as each Phantom is named Walker for “the ghost who walks” then each Judge is named Parker (for “the sexless lawyer who parks carelessly”? That’s an interesting theory.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
#25 – You’re trying to start something here, aren’t you??
July 14th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
@Ed Dravecky #25: But… but… then, where do those next generations of Parkers to take up the mantle come from? *gasp*
July 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Doctor, ease up a little, please. General Halftrack is still a little sore from last night with Sarge.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I’ve tried for 10 minutes to say something moderately clever about today’s Beetle Bailey, but it’s so goddamned irritating that instead I’m just going to yell: FUCK YOU BEETLE BAILEY ARTISTS! WHY THE FUCK IS HE COMPLETELY NUDE? WHY IN THE NAME OF CHRIST WOULD A DOCTOR BE APPLYING LOTION TO HIS ASS? GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU LAZY LEGACY COMIC STRIP ASSWIPES!! Whew, that feels better.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
#27 KarMann – Well, Mark Trail and Cherry have managed to acquire the next generation without any physical contact. But you don’t have to leave the JP strip to find other examples. Look no further than Sam and Abby, whose two “daughters” came from someplace else.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Sally Forth: Ted, stop sending us mixed messages. You’re acting all jealous because a coworker wants to date your work wife, exhibiting raging heterosexuality, all the while clutching at your imaginary pearls, exhibiting flaming drag-queenery.
Mary Worth: On my Chron page, Mary Worth is contiguous to Mother Goose and Grimm. Both show puppets on strings. Unfortunately, only MG&G has Beaker. Mee-mee-mee!
July 14th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
27. KarMann: and what about… http://www.freesound.org/samplesViewSingle.php?id=45654 …Sam DRIVER?!?
July 14th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Judge Parker: Geez, did he drift into that parking space? Someone’s going to come around the corner and T-bone his Miata.
FOOB: What’s the big deal with letting the kid play in the sprinkler? It’s not like it’s spraying on freshly sown grass seed. No wonder adult Michael is such a douchebag.
9CL: For beginners, it’s usually recommended that you face each other. Barring that, just bend her over a piano.
A3G: Aww, I wanted to see the bit where they strapped a cage full of rats to his face and he screamed, “Do it to Margo!”
Curtis: I’ve always wondered why they shared a bed. I can understand sharing a room, but why not two twin beds?
My Cage: Hoo-rah! It’s a cameo from the janitor rat! When’s he gonna get rid of Norm and become the star of this strip?
Sally Forth: The only way I’ll be satisfied is if Ted stoves in Kevin’s skull with a tire iron. C’mon, Ted! Feel alive for the first time in your life!
Spider-Man: Well, honestly, how many people go around with hair like Wolverine? He’s pretty easy to recognize.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
#16 AMC: Melting in the sun? No, someone left Mary out in the rain, her
sweet green icingfacial features flowing down. I don’t think I can take it ’causeit took so long to bake it and I’ll never have that recipe again, oh no!July 14th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I don’t think I can take it ’cause
it took so long to bake it and I’ll never have that recipe again, oh no!oh, hell, I can’t take it because it’s old and probably diseased.Sorry for the split post; mouse slipped to Post when I wanted to Preview.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I work at a medical school and I thought about cutting out the BB strip (just as long ago I cut out the classic A3G Luann MRI strips). But the more I look at it the more I think I could probably be fired for displaying sexual offensive material and who wants to be a martyr for Beetle Bailey?
July 14th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Oh, I forgot to add:
17, Uncle Jeff: “[Tifanny] should, however, be drawn without any dialogue ala “Henry” or “Lio”.
And always in her bikini.”
She should have her dialogue appear on her tits, ala “The Yellow Kid.” Of course, that just gives me the image of The Yellow Kid in a bikini, which I’d really rather not have.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
#37 Bryan – The Yellow Kid would still look better in a bikini than Ziggy.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I have a lot of respect for Beetle Bailey and the strip’s efforts to keep the focus on Obama’s pledge to repeal DADT. General Halftrack has TOLD, Mr. President! A GENERAL! The country demands equal treatment for ALL those who serve!
July 14th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
12 Alred E. Neuman:
Wally will commit suicide as a result of his Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Obviously. He may or may not develop a crippling problem with alcohol first.
That’s assuming, of course, that we get to see the ending of this particular arc. See, I have this theory that Batiuk, having taken us forward in time twice so that he can now take us back in time, will soon tire of playing with time altogether and will then lock us into an eternal loop of Gloom, playing the same week or so of time again and again until he himself dies and passes the mantel on to some other shattered soul. The entire strip will consist of little more than various characters wandering listlessly (and near-silently) from place to place, their faces set in an expression of grim resignation, day after day after day. Fortunately, faithful readers of the strip will fail to notice the difference.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
As for Beetle Bailey: AAAGH NO WHY!!!
July 14th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Why the curiosity about what fate Wally awaits? As he was declared legally dead, he is no longer married, and his wife is banging Comic John. Does it really get any worse?
July 14th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Toni: How far do you want to go?
Brad: Until you say stop. The Appalachian Trail is long and hard.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Hey, he IS named Randy. If that’s not an advertisement for “judicial activism” I don’t know what is.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
BB: When I was undergoing chemotherapy many moons ago, I was given a homemade cream that was commonly known as “butt cream”. One of the ingredients in this butt cream was lidocaine, ostensibly to numb the butt from the effects of the chemo(you really don’t want to know).
I suggest the doc in BB look up the recipe for butt cream so the whole clinic doesn’t know he’s sticking his finger up the general’s ass and then they can have a pleasant, uninterrupted interlude.
As for me, I’ll just go wash my brain with bleach now.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
JP-
All the people HAVE to be hot to have reason to exist in this alternate universe. It’s like that Twilight Zone episode “Number 12 Looks Just Like You”, where all people at the age of 19 were forced to undergo a transformation to become basically a Ken doll or Barbie or Skipper. Sophie had to become a cheerleader, or disappear from the strip college. Unattractive or even normal people are allowed only to be poor, hired help, or adversaries here.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Actually I kinda like the Luann suggestive thing, I’ll have to remember to steal it and make it superior and less spine-shivering somehow.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Ahem. Umm, let me rephrase that (and Josh, feel free to delete that first one, if you get the chance):
Wow, so Becky is now roadside, she’s hands-on, she’s a
meggig! And she ain’t coming back, even though he did.Who knew Lynn Johnston could foresee the future of Funky Winkerdeath?
July 14th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I would join in the mocking, but, to be honest, Brad’s got more game than I do…
… damnit.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Dear Brad and Toni –
Just have sex alread! Or make out and grope each other! For heaven’s sake, at least hold hands! Do anything that will save us from this poor excuse for witty Hepburn/Tracy porn spoof dialogue! Anything!
AAAGH!
Sincerely,
- yeff
July 14th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Forgive me for posting this without reading the posts first; but Josh’s scenario in Luann would just leave Puddles and Knute making awkward passes at each other.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Luann fucking sucks. I’m sorry I can’t think of a more clever or funny way to say it, but there it is.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Didn’t Brad brake his leg? Why does he need practice walking, did he forget how? Brad’s flirting reminds me of a bad joke I will re-work: Q: What’s long and hard on Brad? A: The third grade.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Prediction: Brad never really gets it on with Toni, who eventually marries some other guy. When she eventually has marital troubles, she comes back to town. Brad tries to pick things up where they left off, but is cock-blocked by a meddlesome senior citizen…
July 14th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Oops, I meant “break”. Who’s the moron now? Me.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Who’s Mimi?
July 14th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
“Do you bring all your lady friends here?”
“Only the ones I plan to murder and then leave to be dragged away by coyotes. But I fear I may have said too much.”
July 14th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Wow, I saw the comments on BB in the prior post, but they did not prepare me. How did that make it past the editors/censors/Comic Overlords/whoever runs these things, anyway?
July 14th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
BB: General Halftrack is apparently stupid enough to believe his doctor when the quack insists that there are no paper examination gowns due to “military cutbacks.”
July 14th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Luann I’m just not convinced that either one of them know what sex is. I’m guessing Dirk probably considers foreplay to consist of dosing her w/ GHB or Ruhypnol, so she probably thinks of sex as “fuzzy time.” And Brad presumably has gleaned whatever hints he can get from Maxim and Sports Illustrated. I wonder if they even realize most people take their clothes off?
BB Considering he’s usually three sheets to the wind, why would the General choose this of all moments for sobriety?
JP “I don’t have ‘lady friends’. Just my stable of
beardsbitches. And I don’t love them hos.”July 14th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
LUANN: Brad, Brad, you degenerate cad! Don’t think I can’t follow your eyeline in panel one, mister! Did you really think you’d get away with eyeing Toni’s collarbone like that? Her eyes are up here, thankyouverymuch. And her eyebrows are way up here, kind of floating in the abyss. See ‘em?
JP: “She almost came to my swearing in.” So in other words, she didn’t come to your swearing in. You know who almost came to my Tony Awards viewing party? Liza Minelli. You know who almost came to my 6th birthday party? Bugs Bunny. See, these can go on forever. You’re not impressing me.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Where is his hand, WHERE IS HIS HAND?!
Dear god, why is applying the lotion after he’s had his “fun”.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Rusty: Take it from someone who has been there. After having your leg in a cast for a few weeks you definitely need practice before you can again walk normally. One leg atrophies while the other gets especially strong from doing all of the work while you hobble around on crutches. During the first couple of non-cast walks you feel (and look) like a doofus. . . a very slow doofus.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
BB: The doctor’s fingers, judging from the second panel, are as thick as the general’s wrists and you can only see two of them as he applies the “skin cream.”
I’d be writing on the table, too.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I just want to say that, in all sincerity, the panel layout in this Judge Parker is actually pretty awesome. Dig how panels 2 and 3 are actually insets within the cinematic panorama of panel 1, and Randy is actually breaking the panel border in his close-up. I don’t see any other serialized comic strips producing art anywhere near this nice. Kudos, whoever it is that draws Judge Parker.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Funky Cancerbean: Intentionally sloppy lettering aside, it’s obvious Cindy works for that staple of badly written TV, movies, and fiction of all kinds, CNN…the Convenient News Network.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
That doctor looks awfully casual in today’s strip, and I don’t know any exam that requires you to be completely nude. I assume that General Halftrack showed up at the doctor’s office after-hours and the janitor on-duty decided to do some hazing.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Luann: Brad, just stick it in her already!
Beetle Bailey: Doc, just stick it in him already!
July 14th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
63: Yes, I thought so, but I prefer to think of Brad as being stupid enough to forget how to walk. I think Greg Evans is with me on this.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I, too, wonder why General Halftrack doesn’t at least have a paper gown or some other flimsy covering. Heck, even the corpses in the morgue get a sheet!
July 14th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Luann, 9CL Lets see now… during the last few months, who’s written the the most dick-deadening romantic banter? McEldowney or Evans? I have to say today’s strip gives the lead to Evans.
Jeeze. Has either of these two Casanovas ever flirted with a real woman who wasn’t dinging his Discover card for $2.99 as each minute ticked by?
July 14th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Spider Man: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is where we’ve all been calling bullshit for weeks now. Wolverine would know Peter was coming in the dressing room ten feet away by scent alone. I know I keep sounding like Comic Book Guy from Simpsons, but….honestly, Stan. I love you like a son loves his father, but you gotta get with it.
Mary Worth: This is kinda like Waiting For Godot, but with Delilah in a hot halter top. I’m betting Delilah gets with Charley before Brad gets with Toni. Course, that’s not much of a bet….
July 14th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
# 38 commodorejohn — Per yesterthread, you are quite correct. Attention, slime molds — I deeply apologize to all of you for even briefly considering you in the same light as 9CL. It won’t happen again. Apart from other reasons, I just googled your images and many of you are more attractive than certain 9CL characters. *coughMontyThoraxcough*
July 14th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Jamus I’ll take that bet.
But Toni’s going to have to lose the penny loafers and 60’s hair or else Brad’s going think he’s getting on with one with one of The Beach Boys.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
74 …getting it on…
July 14th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
33/FOOZB: I’ll tell you what the big deal is, Bryan. Elly already gave her son her “no”, so that means the deal is final. Even if she’s wrong, “no” means” no”. It’s sort of like….well, it’s EXACTLY like when Don Corleone gave his no to Virgil Sollozo regarding his new heroin venture. Then Sonny blurted out something about Sollozo insuring the Corleone AND the Tattaliga Families investments, where a very upset Don said “I spoil my children as you can see….they talk when they should listen.”
Now, John’s gonna be lucky to come out of this with both nuts intact.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
The above should read 32/FOOB. The preview button is there for a reason, Jamus….
July 14th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I’m a mess tonight….33/FOOB. I should also never do this while eating dinner…
July 14th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I’m most disturbed by the fact that the General’s doctor isn’t even wearing latex gloves.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Been out of the loop. New job. Just got caught up on the soaps. Not sure what to say.
DT: Worst. Carnage. Ever. A gut shot is admittedly nothing to laugh at, unless it’s Robin Williams’ gut’s been shot, but after the anti-climactic SPUT!, there’s been but one fatality, and Big Ace is merely going to prison. Is this Dick Tracy or Romper Room? Romper stomper bomper boo …
MW: Uh. What a passive-aggressive bitch! Wait, that’s already assumed in the name of the comic. Anyway, Mary’s passive-aggression has transcended the usual, mortal variety of passive-aggression and penetrated planes Platonic. And this we should fear. With her powers ascended to the Metaverse, she will be able to meddle all beings on all worlds in all universes throughout the ten directions of space and all of time – a sort of reverse-Bodhisattva. Do you feel that burning gaze boring trough the back of your neck? Do hear that nagging in the back of your mind? Do you feel that tightness around your heart? Those claws clutching your loins? That’s Mary. And she doesn’t like it when you visit Delilah’s private room on CharterSluts.com.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
You know what’s scary? Brad and Luann were in middle school when I was in elementary school. That means Brad is now in his mid-30s, a virgin, and financially dependent on his parents, while Luann is in her mid-30s, still lives with her parents, and in fact hasn’t even graduated high school yet. I think that explains a lot about the world this comic takes place in.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
76, Jamus: Oh, I’m not saying that Dad isn’t being a twit for reversing the mother’s previous decision. I’ve always felt that it’s important for parents to present a united front to the children. I just can’t figure out why Ellie is all, “No, damn your eyes! You’ll play in a sprinkler when I’m dead!” Come on lady, sprinklers and kids go together and it gets the little no-neck monster out of your hair for awhile.
Let’s go to the videotape: First panel, “I don’t want you in the sprinkler.” Second panel, “I said no. Let’s leave it at that.”
I’m all for the idea that sometimes, “I’m the mommy, that’s why” is a perfectly valid answer, but in this case I think a reason would be helpful for Michael to understand why he can’t do such a seemingly innocuous thing.
Of course, I’d be putting the kid to work with that rake. After chores are done, then we can all play in the sprinkler. Mommy too.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Guess I should’ve known
by the way you parked your car
sidewaaays
that it wouldn’t last…
July 14th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Beetle Bailey — This is why the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule is in effect for the military, even for generals.
Luann — Wouldn’t suggestive banter between firefighters be more like “Would you hold my hose?” “Only if I can twist your nozzle.”
Spiderman — How did he know your name was Wolverine? Uh, how many brutish monobrows with peaked pompadours and razor claws protruding out of their knuckles are there wandering around? Oh, right, this is New York afterall.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Marvin: I understand why Daddy would ogle the stranger; he’s married to Belly Laffs. But why is the alleged BABY staring at her? She’s not busty enough to make him think of food, and the only other thing he thinks of is poop, so. . . . Oh. Oh DEAR GOD NOOOOOO. . . .
July 14th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
56 Sarah: Mimi was Randy’s fiancee, but I don’t recall the circumstances of their break-up (only the more lurid, violent, and ridiculous JP episodes stick in my mind; therefore, I’ll probably someday recall Rocky and Godiva at some school event but have no recollection of why they were there).
July 14th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
82. Yeah, that would have been the sensible thing to do. Also, dealing with Virgil Sollozo would have been sensible….I just like drawing parallels with FOOB and The Godfather.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
#47 O’Malley yesterthread (or whatever it’s called nowadays) – No, this former co-worker isn’t an extrovert. As I said, take her story about Watterson with a grain of salt. I don’t know if it’s true, although she wasn’t given to lying in my experience, but maybe her perceptions didn’t reflect reality. That’s why I said I wanted to read the book to see whether her story jibes with others’.
Tom Batiuk has said that he saw Watterson once, in a barn, screaming at a syndicate executive. Perhaps apocryphal, perhaps an indication that Watterson wasn’t happy with publishers and syndicates, or that Watterson could be cranky. Who knows.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I’m just going to go ahead and reiterate how much luann gives me the creeps due to the way brad (all the dudes really) looks uh “special” while toni (and all the girls really) is relatively normal and attractive looking. if they do ever get it on is he going to accidentally break her neck while trying to pet her pretty hair?
July 14th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I’m a bit surprised by General Halftrack’s reaction. After years of dealing with the Pentagon I would expect nothing would cause his sphincter any discomfort.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
56 sarah/86 buckyswife — Mimi was the “CEO” of some Scientology-esque religion named “Eon”; I think they more or less broke up because Randy wouldn’t join. This was back in the days when I was usually only doing one comic a day so I didn’t cover it in great detail, but here’s Randy learning that he had to get married within Eon — or else:
http://joshreads.com/?p=432
And here’s Mimi asking Randy what he has against the terrifying cult of which she is the unquestioned leader:
http://joshreads.com/?p=433
And here’s what I’m pretty sure is Mimi’s last appearance (which, incidentally, was the very first strip from current artist Eduardo Baretto):
http://joshreads.com/?p=625
Josh
July 14th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
dimestore lipstick @ 66:
“Funky Cancerbean: Intentionally sloppy lettering aside, it’s obvious Cindy works for that staple of badly written TV, movies, and fiction of all kinds, CNN…the Convenient News Network.”
I bet it’s the same outfit that ran the radio station that Gilligan and his buddies used to listen to – the one that only ever reported stories that were somehow relevant to the castaways.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
91 – Josh, I appreciate the plot review of JP, but I howled at the Mary Worth panel featuring Dr. Jeff showing off his mastery of platitudes. Hilarious!Maybe Dr. Jeff will show up at Charterstone to inject some of that into the current MW plot. Dare I hope??
July 14th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
BB: My eyes!! My eyes!!!
July 14th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
88 Sheila Sternwell: “Tom Batiuk has said that he saw Watterson once, in a barn, screaming at a syndicate executive. Perhaps apocryphal”
It has the ring of authenticity to me. Watterson figured a barn would be the perfect place to find a horse’s ass. And since Batiuk was there too, Watterson scored a twofer.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
BC: Chest hair? I’m not necessarily turned off by it, but really–”beautiful chest hair”? What is this, the 70s? And more than that, does anyone else know about the idea that B.C. actually takes place in the future? I’ve only just heard about this, and it… frankly, it depresses me. Sure, it makes the references to Christianity make more sense, but that’s not really what I want from a strip with talking animals and cavemen.
FC: it’s sad, really, that Billy can’t comprehend that “go to your room” and “have a time out” aren’t mutually exclusive. I’m not sure where on Piaget’s stages of cognitive development he’s stuck in, but I’m betting he’s barely out of the sensorimotor period.
GT: Dear Rod Whigham: please stop emphasizing Gil’s crotch. I’m already on a diet and don’t need any extra help. Love, Tlachtga.
Momma: Man, I probably should avoid a comment about
Roe v. Wadecontraceptionthe rhythm method. Uh, let’s move on.My Cage: Well, that about sums up my day. Who else needs a drink?
July 14th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
The entire scenario of Toni taking care of a disabled Brad has already been the focal point of umpteen pornographic films, yet Evans can’t seem to take the hint.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
I worry that Brad & Toni will follow the trajectory of Amos & Edda. For years I grew more disgusted with them, shouting at the strip, “Would you two please just have sex already!?” Then they did, and now I find myself cringing from the strip, whimpering, “Would you two please stop having sex!?”
July 14th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
# 88 Sheila — I seem to remember reading that Watterson had problems with syndicate executives who wanted him to license Calvin mugs and Hobbes stuffed tigers and anything else that would bring in the bucks, and also made it difficult for him to do what he wanted to do artistically by changing panel sizes, etc. If this happened to be one such argument, I hope he screamed so loud that he blew out the syndicate guy’s eardrums. I admit to being automatically biased in Watterson’s favor until I get absolute proof to the contrary, and even then, I’m not at all sure I would want to know. So probably I shouldn’t buy the book.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
#88, 95 – Maybe Watterson was screaming at the syndicate executive because he’d just suggested, “Say, Bill, you know what would give your strip added poignancy? Have Hobbes get cancer, Calvin’s Mom lose an arm, and his Dad go missing in combat. And Calvin should smirk a lot more. It’s called writing.” So those great ideas didn’t go completely to waste after all.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
91. Josh: good lord! That second citation was quite a weekend freakshow…GT and A3G and MW and and and…can’t really say “good times. good times”…
July 14th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
#96 Tlachtga – I have long held to the “B.C. takes place in a post-apocalyptic neo-Stone Age” theory; my favorite piece of evidence thus far is this bizarre little strip, where a fully-functional blimp is noticed and recognized as such by a bunch of cavemen. Who pilots this mysterious airship? A dystopian warlord searching for new tribes to conquer and assimilate? The last survivor of ages past, rendered agonizingly immortal by junk science involving a gross misunderstanding of the effects of radiation? UCOMM? And to what extent do the cast of B.C. understand the blimp’s origin or function? Is it, to them, an airborne conveyance for men far more advance than they? The chariot of a distant sky-god? (Ooh, shades of Arthur C. Clarke!) Or is it held to be, in and of itself, a being of some sort; just another of the various creatures that traverse the sky? Is “lookie, the blimp” the 2576 equivalent of “hey, a cardinal!?” We may never know; sadly, the creators of B.C. do not seem to realize how many fascinating questions their work raises.
#98 Tom T. – Yes, that is indeed something to fear. I think Josh has suggested the only possible tolerable ending for Luann.
#99 Poteet – Preach it, sister!
July 14th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Gawd, does there exist another comic strip as annoying and pretentious as that stupid “9 Chickweed Lane?”
Sorry I don’t have anything clever to say at the moment; just had to get that off my chest. Thanks — I feel better!
July 14th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
#12: I say that Becky leaves sad-sack John for Wally. There will be the horrors of divorce, PTSD, kids acting out ect. only to have Becky die a horrid slow death by (insert disease here). Then, struck with grief, Wally and John find solice in each others arms. Wally eventually goes mad with grief and the horror of his life and mercifully ends it all. John, being the sad sack that he is lingers on till his lonely death at the age of 78 in a nursing home for retired comics nuts. The last words on his lips are “Wall-e”.
If anyone with an English degree (or just a basic knowledge of sentence structure) want’s to figure out how to write Les into this, be my guest.
~Crazy
July 14th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
LuAnn – Toni is such a dicktease. Which gives us a lot of insight into why Dirk had so much suppressed rage. Given that Brad is toting around a pair of heavy wooden crutches, this would be a great time for him to fly off the handle, especially if TJ is anywhere in the vicinity.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
damn! 108 was me! I’ve been gone so long, my cookies don’t even remember me anymore!
July 14th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I mean 105! Shit, I’m really out of practice…
July 14th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I have to admit, when I first saw that Beetle Bailey I assumed that Gen. Halftrack was getting a massage. I just couldn’t think of any other semi-professional setting in which he would be required to lie fully exposed on a table of any sort. Then I saw the “MD” on the wall and the mention of “skin cream” instead of “essential oils” and I realized that apparently Halftrack goes to Satan’s physician and how did this make it into a real newspaper and who do I call to complain and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.
Uh. So anyway…Randy Parker: genuinely asexual or just “not the marrying kind” (wink wink)? Discuss.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:22 am
108 OMJulie With that car? And that haircut? Staring out into the distance while that amazing expanse of thigh slithers out of the car without even a glancef? Confirmed batchelor for sure. No need even for winking. And thats OK.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:05 am
A few Humpday observations:
FC: release the
houndsCurminions!First salvo across the bow, Captain Josh!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3722994924/sizes/o/
MW: and Mary’s stroke continues unabated.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:12 am
So… question. Has Brad actually sort of come to eclipse “Luann” as the main character of “Luann”, in the style of Robotman or Homestar Runner? Or is it just that I have a skewed vision of things because I only read Luann anymore when it shows up on this blog?
July 15th, 2009 at 1:15 am
Beetle Bailey may have just established a well-nigh unsurpassable creepiness threshold for comics today. God forgive me, I have to ask: in panel 2, the stacked pink lumps amidships are, from bottom to top, the General’s ass and the doctor’s fingers, right? It’s not two Halftrack asscheeks and a hand, right? Or three asscheeks? Or something even more unspeakably unimaginable?
Either way I want to die.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:16 am
I think that Luann strip would have truly achieved greatness if they had been using one of these.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:26 am
Children of the Circle Thel allows Jeffy to answer the door dripping wet naked, in hopes to permanently ward off any Witnesses on the doorstep.
Margo 3-G Head bobble AND ginormous star-shaped background of shock! Tomorrow had better match the build-up, that’s all I can say.
Fist O Justice Theater Now that Mark is going to some illegal dump site with the guy he’s accusing of doing the dumping, the buzzards are gathering for the expected feast. Surely somebody’s gonna die sooner or later.
Meddle House “As long as the conclusion you reach is MY OWN, you little strumpet!”
I, Platypus Hey, Ed! When are you going to introduce Truman Goat, the opinionated guy who works the graveyard shift so he won’t butt heads with the asshole suits who work business hours? :D
The Amazing Wolverine Hey, don’t break the fourth wall, pal. You got into this stupid storyline; you can damn well claw your way out of it.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Gen. Halftrack has been waiting a looooooooooooooooooooong time for that damned “Don’t ask don’t tell” to go away – so long his raging osteoporosis and arthritis are ruining what should have been an enjoyable romp with his partner the winky doctor.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:52 am
Doonesbury: OK, I’m just stumped. What newspapers have started resizing their comics? The only news I’ve heard that’s anything like this is all the ones that started cutting entire strips. And that was probably more about cost-of-subscribing than cost-of-printing. I figure if there’s anywhere on the Internet that someone would know this, it’s here.
Hi and Lois: That’s “Tweeting,” Mr. With-It Teenager. Come on, Winslow from Prickly City just pointed this out like two days ago!
Luann: Attention, cartoonist man: YOU ARE MAKING THIS TOO EASY.
Marvin: Today on “The Art of Cartooning,” we show you how to take a random pun and craft an absurdly contrived scenario around it.
Edison Lee: You know, a guy whose political inclinations are probably pretty close to the creator of this feature once wrote a book called Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. That man is now in Congress. Making cracks about a pundit’s book failing to sell purely because of its title MAAAAAAAAY be a bit unwise.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:11 am
Wednesday stuff
DT— Take some time off? While the evil Namzorb is still at large? Brozman has it backwards. He should reverse this plot and send Tracy after Namzorb immediately. Tracy will likely find him at a comics store in Downers Grove, Illinois.
FC— “Mommy always lets me get out of the bathtub to answer the door naked, especially when I’m expecting my special friend, General Halftrack.”
July 15th, 2009 at 2:38 am
111 mcc: Luann is still around at least as much as Brad, though her presence in the comic has mostly been reduced to a lot of “Hey, that Gunther’s actually kind of attracti-HEYLOOKANOTHERGUY!” I have a lot of love for Luann left over from my junior high/high school days, and even I have to admit that Luann’s storylines are, if possible, even less interesting than the ongoing Brad/Toni queasefest. Her stuff can be mildly amusing, but it’s so unremarkable that it rarely merits comment here or anywhere else, really.
On another note, I have to say that between the poison ivy and “the stinkin’ moist smelly garbage,” there is entirely too much grossness in Curtis lately.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:46 am
commodorejohn at 102, Tlachtga at 96: A post-Apocalyptic B.C.? So the abbreviation isn’t for Before, but Beyond Christ?
July 15th, 2009 at 3:08 am
116 Steve the Pocket -
Here in Phoenix, the Arizona Republic has shrunk the remaining Sunday strips, including Doonesbury (they dropped the section down to a single broadsheet). The weekday ones are unaffected.
This made last Sunday’s “many small panels” strip a bit of a chore to read.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:25 am
It’s your fault for putting the suggestion in the guy’s head Toni. If you don’t want Brad to think about sex you shouldn’t pose stiffly and symmetrically with your lips open in the first panel. Could your attempts to look exactly like one of Brad’s inflatable “love dolls” be more obvious?
July 15th, 2009 at 4:44 am
@Dr. Weird #120: But so what about how hard they are to read? There’s no time for that! We need to figure out why newspapers are hemorrhaging readers!
7/15:
A3G: Is it really appropriate to use the phrase “oh my god” (even with extra punctuation) when you’re really just referring to yourself, anyway? Wouldn’t it be shorter to just say “oh, me!”?
AD: Is the “joke” in this one as lame as I think it is? I keep hoping there’s something more subtle there that makes it funny, but it just ain’t happening for me yet.
Better Half: Things (almost) like this actually happen. A neighbour here had to go back and get her GED when the company she worked for found out that she had a PhD, but no HS diploma.
Bizarro: I haven’t checked the FBI statistics yet, but I’ve got a hunch that most home invasions do not begin with the words “honey, I’m home!”
Cranky: “No, it’s called an ‘Arnie Palmer’ because we made it from his ground-up bones after he died of the most hilarious cancer last week! Make yourself comfy, now, ‘cuz I’m going to tell you all about it….”
Crock: Looks like they’re trying to give Beetle Bailey a run for their money in the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” department. But they’ll never catch up with yesterday’s 7/14 BB.
DtM: I believe this joke was first used by the son of Chief Thog, while crossing the land bridge across the Bering Strait.
F-: Should’ve saved that one for Sept. 19! (Talk Like a Pirate Day)
FC: You think it’s bad know, but what you don’t know, is that Thel gives tongue baths, like a mother cat. Yes, she has a drooling problem. We don’t like to talk about it.
FW: Wasn’t the same GNN the network of choice in the Left Behind movies? Whose author also wrote for Gil Thorp for a time? Small world, that comics biz.
GA: Looks like we’ve got us some Hollywood Atheists here! Expect to see some Easy Evangelism and a possible Author Tract.
GT: Umm, I dunno, maybe the entire team that he made run until they collapsed of heatstroke? Naw, they must’ve gotten over that by now. (Of course, given how this is plotted, I suppose it’s more likely to be the YouTuber.)
JP: Oh! What a happy coincidence!
Luann: Steve the Pocket is right. Just too damned easy.
But when did that ever stop me? Hey Evans, you would know, wouldn’t you? Takes one to know one! Neener neener!
Marvin: Not that it was a halfway respectable pun to begin with, but it’s ruined by the use of a brush. And whoever heard of a “beach brusher”?
MW: True Fable said it for me. How could you read this and not think that?
Momma: Is Francis supposed to be underage? If not, what exactly is Momma supposed to be catching him at?
Phantom: Well, if you knew, then he wouldn’t be an Unknown Commander, would he? Geez! Do I have to write it in crayon?
SL: I don’t wanna hear about your kinks, you pervy shark!
(Fun misreading of the day: In the last panel, drop the ‘e’ in ‘elbows’, and swap the ‘b’ and ‘l’.)
S-M: So, a spider, a wolverine, and an actress walk into a bar….
July 15th, 2009 at 4:58 am
116 Steve the Pocket. The San Francisco Chronicle runs some of the legacy strips like Wizard of Id and Hagar on Sundays, but they shrink them until they fit side by side on a single page.
That in itself doesn’t bother me, since they still print the good strips full size, but one can sense a trend in the making.
You should try to find somewhere where you can see pre-war comics. It is amazing the amount of space that was allocated to a single artist. In some cases strips were started in the margins of other strips.
During WWII the comics were shrunk as an economy measure and the newspapers liked the idea so much that later on they made the change permanent. This was bad news for the lovingly detailed work of the older artists like Milt Caniff, but people like Al Capp and notably Charles Schultz developed simplified styles that worked with the smaller size, and that is where most of the modern comics come from.
Most modern comics artists are very well aware of what happened and are afraid of another shrink that will leave only comics with stick figures like xkcd being viable.
I don’t know that much about business matters, so I welcome correction from people who are more well-informed, but I don’t think that the licensing cost of the comic is the main factor. There was some discussion of this recently either here or on some other blog I read. It depends on circulation but basically the price paid to the syndicate for a strip is about $100 each up to maybe three or four times that. So every day a paper might be putting out a couple of grand for comics.
I don’t know how this compares to the charge for the distilled wisdom of someone like Victor Davis Hanson, who occupies enough space for two comic strips. Plus of course wire service charges and salaries for reporters and columnists. But I suspect that printing and distribution costs are much larger than content costs.
I think the main question is the ratio of content to advertising in terms of space. Classified advertising used to be a cash cow, but that has mostly been lost to Craigslist. As the amount of advertising shrinks, the content has to shrink as well to maintain the ratio. It’s easy to print comics smaller, so that’s one place to grab back the margin.
Until fairly recently the typical single-market newspaper could be relied on for a profit of about 30%, so there were a lot of leveraged buyouts based on that kind of assumption. But now that profits have dipped to more like what most other kinds of businesses see, many newspapers are saddled with buyout debt much greater than they can carry. The Chicago Tribune/LA Times is a prime example.
The Hearst Corporation moved the Seattle Post-Intelligencer to web-only (Seattle was one of the few remaining markets with more than one paper) and then threatened the unions at the San Francisco Chronicle that they would do the same unless they agreed to big cutbacks. The unions caved, so the paper is still publishing so far. The Chronicle has just recently shut down its own press and has now outsourced its printing to an independent printer.
In this environment, one can perhaps sympathize with comics artists (at least those of them that are still putting in a bit of effort) worried about where things are going.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Luann: Brad had to risk life and limb to impress Toni, but Toni only needed facial features from a Mrs. Potatohead doll to impress Brad. Somehow that’s not fair.
A3G: I like that the Blue Man Group members standing immediately behind Margo take such a strong interest in world religions and China-Tibet current events.
MW: Mary’s cool with Delilah thinking all she wants so long as she reaches the right conclusion! Moy’s rockin’ the meddle here! Sure, we joke about it, but here we’ve got Moy putting the words right into Mary’s thought balloons. Stalinist Mary, we welcome you.
A-Ha Videoman: Dinner with MJ, Peter Parker and Wolverine sounds like a frickin’ hoot. Between MJ’s E-list acting career and Peter’s salary, I hope Wolverine likes salt-and-pepper sandwiches on day-old bread.
MT: Apparently in panel 1, Miss Williams’ brother is towing a jeep behind the hardtop sedan he’s in. By panel 2, they’re out on some vast rolling grasslands apparently miles away from any forest — likely why it’s considered the “Lost Forest” in the way that “lost” is used to refer to things that don’t exist anymore or which can never be found. Mark can’t resist from once again threatening Miss Williams’ brother with criminal prosecution — something that will likely erode any doubts he might have about leading Mark right into the hands of chemical-dumping mafiosi who may likely simply dissolve Mark in one of the 55-gallon barrels.
Jugs Parker: CIA rookies don’t have time for romance, they use sex as it is meant to be used: for getting information from people.
Funky Pantysniffer: In the flashback, Funky sees himself as a 11-year-old boy next to a 20-something woman with hair floating as if underwater.
Slylock Fox: HOLY SHIT THOSE ARE SOME BIG ANTS!!! And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
DtM: It’s not menacing if he just spouts the crap he overhears from Mr. Wilson and that Crankshaft guy.
Pluggers: I like that it refers to “all your vehicles”. Yep, even the 8 wrecked cars leaking oil onto the typical Plugger front yard aren’t even worth the down payment on a single functional used car.
Cathy: I need a “paperless office” joke right now, but Cathy likes making me wait.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:42 am
FC: I see the game of one-upmanship between myself (ie C. Sandy Cyst) and Jeff Keane continues apace.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:46 am
DT – Namzorb? To borrow from the old Mad Magazine parody of Gasoline Alley, everyone knows that “Brozman” spelled backwards is “Natures.”
Hey, I found Waldo!
FC – Jeffy’s been reading 9 Chickweed Lane.
GT – Why, it’s TV’s Lou Grant!
MT – I sure hope the vulture is supposed to symbolize the death of this storyline. It’s not much of a dream, but it’s all I have.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:13 am
MW: …Love is not love
which alters when it alteration finds
Or sluts about with men in stripey shirts
Oh, no! It is as firm as salmon squares
And does exactly as it’s told, young lass!
So have no thoughts of tawdry, cheap affairs
Or Worth will put the smack down on your ass.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:53 am
MW – “Delilah, why don’t we sit down right here with our 9 a.m. snack of a leaking salmon square sandwich and a glass of urine specimen and talk about your thinking things over with Lawrence for the eighteenth time?”
July 15th, 2009 at 7:57 am
MT – Today’s sermonizing vulture should fly over to Santa Royale and lay some of that on the lame brains at Charterstone.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:15 am
FC: Something tells me that not only is that woman not coming back later, she’s never coming back ever again.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:20 am
A3G: “Oh My Self!”
MW: “So long as you come to the right conclusion
(The conclusion that I, Mary Worth, Bizarro Watcher and Dark Lady of the Sith, have determined to be the one and only life choice you are allowed. Bow to my will or be reduced to a glowing blob of protoplasm by my Glare of Doom!).”
DT: “I could use a change of scenery. Every day it’s the same old thing…corpses, corpses, corpses.”
July 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Bonus 7/15 nitpicking, as only KarMann can bring it:
PMP: Generally, aren’t flushed cheeks caused by blood rushing to your face, rather than from it?
Zits: I believe it’s been established previously that that’s supposed to be a VW bus they have, right? But what Borgman has drawn there is no VW bus. For starters, that looks to be some sort of V engine that Jeremy’s carrying, probably a V-6 or a small block. Quite unlike engines found in those VW buses. Either way, it’s nothing he’d be carrying as casually as that, along with a stretch of tailpipe which is completely useless in rear-engine configurations. The body and door arrangement all seems rather off, too.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:00 am
FC: So where’s Thel? Were they bathing together, the doorbell rang, and she said “Jeffy, go answer the door dripping wet and naked. It’ll be sooo cute. When you’re traumatized at the age of 13 with horrific thoughts of the absurd indignities that we put you through in early life, you can thank me.”
I love the sad, somewhat terrified expression of Ziggy’s bird. He’s been terrribly abused by the Zig-man, being forced to watch Ziggy’s lameness daily. All hope will be lost as he finds out that the cage has no door.
Slylock: Scenes from Lost Forest as nightmarishly huge insects and an arachnid conspire to steal the picnic lunch. Hey, don’t ants have 6 legs? Oh whatever. The younger one has a tongue, too. Eh.
JP: The moon in panel 1 has broken from the Earth’s orbit and is drifting away into the Cosmos. Randy and April continue their suggestion-heavy conversation, each in anticipation of sex, but will inevitably lead to nothing. Their hopes, too will eventually drift off into the great void of space.
Gil: “Mrs. Thorp, it doesn’t count if he pissed you off by forgetting your anniversary. You couldn’t have thrown the baseball while you were inside the house.”
Funky: “She’s gone global”
“… and then some.”
Beyond global? Does GNN stand for Galactic Network News? Are the aliens from Monty or Non-Sequitur watching?
Curtis: Poison ivy isn’t contagious, you idiot.
Crock: Try just shooting them.
Crankshaft vs. Mr. Wilson. Who would win?
BC: I’d like to see a pig show up in 9CL saying to all the nudists “I shit in here daily.”
Archie: I don’t get it. It looked like they were far out in the woods. He walked a long way. Reggie is trying to say “Your nose is long.” and Jughead is put off by his lame sense of humor. Try this, Jug, “We traveled miles from where we thought you would be, carefully leaving no discernable trail behind and we deliberately didn’t tell you. Ha ha ha!”
July 15th, 2009 at 9:03 am
72 (Jamus): And I’m enjoying Wolverine for the same reason I enjoy the typeface Comic Sans: I don’t care about it one way or the other, but I like to see others’ reactions. They make me feel cool and calm by comparison, a rarity for me.
Beetle: Miss Blips has gotten frighteningly good at talking out of her tracheotomy.
’shaft: Also, the tang of the lemonade helps hide the chloral hydrate.
Dick: Oh, forget Bonnie Braids. I want to hear the story of Swade!
Doonesbury: NEWSPAPERS.
April and Randy: Actually, she has been seeing someone, but they haven’t gone all the way, so she feels she can keep it from Randy, who represents another branch of government.
Red & Rover: Fireflies, as we all know, flash to attract mates. Once again, Basset implies that the kid is screwing the pooch.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:04 am
FC: So the parade of “comics figures we did not want to see naked” proceeds: Jason from Foxtrot, General Halftrack, Misc. Keane Kid. Who will it be tomorrow? Baldo’s dad? Curtis’s dad? Mary Worth?
And what does it mean that of the three nekkid males thus far, Misc. Keane Kid looks the best?
SM: I have never seen an X-Men movie or read the comic, so this is a real question: Is Wolverine really such a… loser?
MW: Mary’s having to put so much effort into this meddle that she hasn’t the energy to retain her human form; soon, she’ll have to excuse herself to “fix her face.”
MT: Joey might not be able to gamble or manage a business, but he can drive two cars!
And in LoFo, the buzzards are the voice of the law. As they should be.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:07 am
#116 Steve the Pocket: The WashPost strips have gradually gotten smaller, although not yet minuscule. They went from three pages of comics to two, cutting a couple strips and downsizing the rest.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:09 am
#133 Anonymous: I wondered the same thing about FC. Either she sent the kid down there nekkid, or she wasn’t watching him in the tub, thus risking the possibility of his drowning. What mother would possibly risk that with her chi—oh, never mind.
Well played, Thel.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Crock
I’ve often wondered just who the pseudo-legionnaires in Crock are supposed to be fighting. Finally, in today’s strip the adversaries appear in the open and its clear that they are…
some kind of…
never mind.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Josh, when you say “pink tubelike form of naked General Halftrack” my brain goes all hurty.
I must also ask, why is the Phantom wearing both his purple spandex unitard and his jacket/fedora/sunglasses “disguise”? Is he confused on what day it is?
July 15th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Crankshaft: Today’s rejected cocktail/punchline combinations:
“Harvey Wallbanger – because you’ve been whacking off in the azaleas – again.”
“Fuzzy Navel – because you really need to get a handle of that fungal infection, Dad.”
“Sex on the Beach – HA HA HA HA HA – Oh, my God, I kill myself sometimes …”
“Bloody Mary – because the cops just found the bodies of two scantily clad girls in the ditch of the road that your friend’s ice cream truck route follows.”
“Screaming Orgasm – HA HA HA HA HA – I … I … Oh, my God, I think I’ve just been struck blind!”
“Freddy Fudpucker – because Freddy the pool boy just pulled up, and his fud looks ready for some pucking!”
“Corpse Reviver – because it’s been too long since we’ve dealt with anything dead, and you’re digging up the shrubs … the ones that seem to grow better than the others …”
July 15th, 2009 at 9:31 am
9CL — Is that the owner of the ponds? If so, he is showing remarkable self-restraint. I’d grab all the clothes and write down the license plate numbers before calling the sheriff. And the subsequent babbled story about God, his large alien friend, and the Sentient Cockroach Plan would make the arrest report in the local paper a little more entertaining than usual.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:47 am
MW – “I do love Lawrence … I’m just not sure how to translate that into practical terms”
It’s called a “blow job” Delilah. I’m sure Charlie could give you some pointers to head you in the right direction.
Luann – Toni is what you would get if Mr. Potatohead made blow-up sex dolls. And Brad is what you would get if you cruised the Special Olympics for dates.
9CL – So, wait – God is a nihilist? Is nothing sacred?
July 15th, 2009 at 9:50 am
S-M Shouldn’t Wolverine be able to sniff out that Parker is Spider-Man? Of course, the mental image of Wolverine sniffing Parker is cringe-worthy enough to warrant a storyline in Luann.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:13 am
General Halftrack, “One finger, circular motion. And don’t you judge me!”
July 15th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Today in Family Circus we learn that the strip is set in the milieu of German expressionism. Jeffy is the boss of the house, forcing Thel to wash his body and genitalia though he’s old enough to do it himself. When a caller comes to the door, it is not his mother who goes – nay! – but the master of the house. Resplendent in the glory of his body, he manipulates the young fishwife into witnessing the beauty of his naked self. Now piss on her, Jeffy, and make her sing Piaf!
July 15th, 2009 at 10:32 am
#145 Dingo: hee! Je ne regrette rien, indeed.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am
7/15
H&L: Chip, you suck. You suck so bad, my quipping ability is paralyzed.
H&J: Something in the hotdog triggered Jamaal’s food allergy and turned him into Cathy.
RMMD: Hey, what’s going on here? Do you think we actually reaad Rex Morgan for informative stories about healthcare? Go get Rex and find him a teenage boy he can put the moves on. (Him and June, if possible.)
6C: Shouldn’t the octopus be saying something like, “It’s a living.”
MW: 2+2=5 Sterile biddy is watching you.
S-M: What Peter hasn’t mentioned yet is that it’s going to be a double date. Watch out for Aunt May, Wolvie. She’s all hands.
SFx: “It was a nice day, so we figured we’d have a family picnic in Giant Insect Park. After all, what could go wrong?”
FB: When joke-free British comic strips meet stale American reality shows, mind-boggling lameness ensues.
Archie: Can’t help ya, Jughead. It doesn’t make any sense to me either.
FT: Giving product placement a bad name.
Marvin: If a stranger walked up to a toddler at the beach and started grooming him out of nowhere, I’m pretty sure he’d be placed in front of a firing squad within minutes. Granted, this is Marvin and the parents have probably gone home and started hoping for the worst. Still, you’d think someone would say something.
Luann: Bravo, Brad. Not many comics characters will come right out and say that they’re not funny or interesting.
DtM: Henry is smiling because he really is getting away from it all. While Alice and Dennis get on the plane to Orlando, he’ll be booking a flight to Sao Paulo to meet up with a very special pair of identical twins.
FC: The Mary Kay saleslady gets her first glimpse of bare penis since the divorce. What really takes her aback is the fact that Jeffy is already so much bigger than her ex-husband.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:07 am
#145 – So Jeffy is into water sports…good Lord.
That poor woman has to look at the bloated body and malformed junk of a male Keanespawn-she, not Jeffy, will be scarred for life.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:08 am
#145 – La Vie en Rose, not. : D
July 15th, 2009 at 11:08 am
So Jughead “followed his nose” to a bag of chips and a thermos jug? Now THAT is talent.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:18 am
BaBl: I wonder how much Pixar paid for the product placement.
reFOOB: Liz has already inherited her mother’s talent of forbidding things for no good reason. (And hey, what happened to the sprinkler storyline, huh? Don’t we get to see Elly bitching our John for undermining her randomly-displayed authority?)
Frazz: I question the notion that anyone who would name a restaurant chain “Sam and Ella’s” would be successful enough to buy a house on Snob Hill.
Luann: Oh come on now, it’s not near as much fun when you write the snark for us…
MW: “I’m just not sure how to translate that into practical terms!” And so we finally come to the root of the problem–Lawrence and Delilah are having trouble in the baby department because nobody’s bothered to explain the concept of sex to them, like that couple in the urban legend who assumed if they just lay side-by-side in bed together, pregnancy would follow. A quick discussion with Lothario Charley–and maybe a visit to the nearest adult store for visual aids–should clear things right up.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:19 am
#135 – comic characters we don’t want to see naked – I was going to go for a “Puh-leeze don’t fling me in dat briar patch” kind of response, but I can’t think of any comic characters I do want to see naked in order to make the joke work. So I had to abandon that.
(Truly, a fascinating glimpse into a failed humor process! Take notes, kiddies.)
July 15th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Blondie — Dagwood wants to drive a giant penis around? Wait. Is this suppose to be some sort of subliminal message? Oh, yes. Ha ha.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:21 am
FW: Jesus Christ, was this storyline guest-directed by Christopher Nolan?
July 15th, 2009 at 11:35 am
9cl: “that there pod of nihilistic skinny dippers in t’other pod”? Really Brooke? You think that sounds like dialogue?
I am beginning to think that Chickweed is really an experimental art project where Brooke grabs random dialogue from a bad translation of Kafka, a copy of Middlemarch, a stained “Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You” and Penthouse Forum, throws the results on a page and then tries to draw a comic around it. That might explain the cockroaches.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:36 am
#152 O-e W –
June Morgan, Diana Palmer and Godiva Danube walk into a bar . . . .
July 15th, 2009 at 11:42 am
#127 O-e W –
Oh, yeah, and bravo!
July 15th, 2009 at 11:48 am
9CL: okay how does he know they are Nihilisitc? They’re in a pond and naked – One is claiming to be god – that’s pretty crazy to an outside viewer – but it’s not nihilism.
There was a underground comics magazine call RAW some years ago and one issue had the capiton “Raw The Magazine that has lost its faith in Nihilism.” That always amused me far more than it really should.
FW: I thought this was the Wally Winkerbean story arc – we’re back with these farts? why can’t they just stay on the roof?
July 15th, 2009 at 11:56 am
9CL – Where were they when they learned about the dip-in? How did they learn? Where did they go? How did they get there? If they could get there, how did they not know where the others were? In short… HUH? The only explanation I see is that they’re meaningless ciphers being pushed around by a lazy cartoonist who thinks nudity is profound.
Blondie – Rest in peace, Oscar Meyer.
DTracy – Never mind the in-joke wanted posters. What was Jack’s plot again, and could you use more lame gambling terms in your explanation?
HtHorrible – Doctor playing golf! Ow! My side!!
Mduke – “Uh oh. Here comes another splashdown in the Hudson!” With three fatalities, I-hope-I-hope-I-hope!
(Splashdown in the Hudson joke. What have we learned from this?
Marmaduke’s lead time is six months.)
Phantom – “Look! One of them is the Unknown Commander! I’m guessing it’s the dog.”
R=R – The highly stylized take on the Van Pelt eyeball parentheses just doesn’t work. It makes the entire eye/forehead area look like a dotted line enclosing one giant monocular blankness, like a hideous zombie cyclopean Orphan Annie. Then again, most of the fun in this strip any more is reimagining the pointless flourishes into different facial features, and I’d hate to lose that slender reed.
6Chix – Ah, Wednesday; the day of Rene Piccolo’s cartoon. Or as we call it “funny day.”
S-Man – Manspud gestures hypnotically!
Ziggy – Trapped in a world without l-o-v-e.
Zits – Aspiring pluggers.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:58 am
TheDiva @y101 – Considering that most of the Winkerbeings use the word “late” in its fatal sense, I’d have expected the response to be, “Yeah, we were hoping you were.”
commodorejohn @y112 – I have to call you on sloppy writing here. “…a seemingly entertaining storyline that doesn’t have anything to do with politics…” seems to assume that the political storylines in Non Seq are entertaining, or even seemingly so. You can do better.
Anon @y120 – “Jack” is vintage slang for money. Not that this excuses the tortured syntax.
Farley’s Revenge @45 – With enough lidocaine butt cream, even the General won’t know what Dr. Coldfinger’s doing behind his back.
Sheila Sternwell @88 – Screaming at a syndicate executive: no problem; scream at them for me. Screaming at a waitress: big problem, and the screamer should receive extra Secret Sauce for it.
Tlachtga @96 – You are referring to the “Teenage Caveman” theory of BC. My own theory, dating back ten or fifteen years, is that the strip was about the present-day inhabitants of Broward County, Florida.
Mr. O’Malley @123 – I expect that Victor Davis Hanson is subsidized, and that Regnery or somebody pays the newspaper some money to carry his writing. Not a lot, but it fills up the space between house ads.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Blondie: Dagwood’s weiner obsession endures.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Crankshaft: Apparently Arnold Palmer also bludgeoned someone to death with his putter, because that’s what I felt like doing after I read that joke.
MW: The meddle is about to kick into overtime. Something tells me that when Delilah doesn’t come to the Mary-Worth-approved conclusion, this storyline is going to end with some kind of ritual honor killing.
Is it scary that I can identify the food in today’s Mary Worth? Those look almost like sandwiches. I didn’t know anyone in Charterstone ate anything that wasn’t a shapeless blob.
RMMD: They’d better add a lot more cleavage to this story if they want us to keep reading all this budgets and accounting dialogue.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
It is time for young Delilah to do a stretch in the Dungeon of Platitudes.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Mr. Eric Mills will no doubt look stunning in his saffron robe.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
@ 159 Muffaroo Re: 9CL
Amos ‘n Edda learned about the skinny-in on the internets when a video taken by a group of Belgian perverts floating in a nearby hot-air balloon was posted to fleshbot, where overnight it picked up over 10 million views world-wide.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Calvin’s Cardboard Box @165 – Your explanation is logical and internally consistent, therefore I reject it in favor of fortuitous happenstance or goddamn pixies or something more in keeping with McEldoody’s usual M.O.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I don’t see how anyone can resent the years-long, go-nowhere sexy banter between Brad and Toni. I can only hope it continues for decades to come, finally leaving Brad an old man on an unrumpled deathbed, ruminating on the fact that in the heady rush of all the double entendres, he forgot to have sex.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I always kind of liked Knute.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
#127 — A standing ovation for the sonneteering Wolfdog!
July 15th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Am I the only one who likes Luann? Granted, I’ve only read it for a couple years, so maybe I just haven’t had time to get sick of it yet, but I actually find the relationships in this strip to be fairly compelling. For a comic strip, anyway.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
170 Darkefang –
You are correct on several points. Luann does more with relationships than many strips even attempt.
Unfortunately, past a certain point, they all get stuck in a holding pattern and stay there for years, never advancing. It’s the wasted potential that causes so much ire here, I suspect. It’s why people rage against Luann but not, say, Fred Basset.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Here in Rochester, NY, they recently shrunk the width of the entire paper a few inches, from standard newspaper size to something that makes me feel like I’m reading a company memo on 8 1/2″ paper. On the other hand, I read the comics online every day from the Houston Chronicle and you couldn’t get me to read my local paper’s comic page on a bet. I think they’ve pared it down to Garfield, Hagar, and Broom Hilda. Don’t ask me who the big Broom Hilda fan is in Rochester, but even Crock would be a welcome change of pace at this point.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
FC I think everyone’s missing the obvious reason that Jeffy answered the door: Thel is in the bath with him.
Hello? Paging Oedipus.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Oops, I’m anonymouse 172.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
FC- “Mommy gives me a bath by dropping me in the water and then leaving and passing out with a bottle of wine on the couch”
July 15th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Family Circus: Am I the only one to notice the “visitor” is really Billy crossdressing, on stilts, wearing a wig? Everyone is humoring his Dissociative identity disorder (AKA split personality), even little Jeffy. He knows Billy has seen his wee winky many times in his “brother” personality but forgot to keep up the pretense with the “ugly woman” identity.
#142 Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Ah ha ha ha ha HA! If you don’t win COTW, well, that just means someone said something clever about Apartment 3-G. That Margo, what she said!
#162 Darkefang: Mary Worth food today? Unlined notepads side by side. Dribble pink fish juice on them to make her world-reknown Salmon Squares.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I liked Luann today. I thought it was funny and awkward and horny and entirely appropriate to the characters.
Meanwhile, I am trying to mitigate BB by imagining that our snark is forcibly inserting subtext where none was intended, but I’m looking at the picture and it’s clearly not subtext that’s being inserted.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
So Brad & Toni are talking as if Brad has finally won Toni over and now they’re dating. But they’re not. They haven’t and probably won’t. Now is it my imagination, or is Toni borrowing her pants wardrobe from Mrs. Thorp?
July 15th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I continue to believe that Brad ‘n Toni been doing the nasty off-camera for months now. They only act coy when Evans is around.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Blondie: Dagwood is “in line to be VP”???
What I got from A3G was that Margo’s head was bobbling so hard she had to grab it with her hands, lest it fall to the floor. So what’s she lookin’ at?
1) Thorax’s naked body
2) Jeffy’s naked body
3) General Halftrack’s naked body
4) Ziggy’s Glorious Dong (which would be an awesome name for a rock band)
July 15th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Hey, in yesterday’s Beetle Bailiey, how do we know that guy is the doctor. I mean, he has that MD degree posted up on the wall, so what? He’s clearly not wearing one of those headbands with the reflector thingy on it. I say he’s an impostor alien doing a weird anal probe on an unsuspecting human.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
“Until you say ‘STOP’”! Sounds like a LOT of S&M in their future. As for “the Walk”, perhaps a trample fetish here? One can only hope!
July 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
# 155 vanya — That seems like a plausible theory to me, especially if he looks at himself admiringly in the mirror for a few minutes before starting to draw.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I don’t get it, Jeffy answers the door nude and awww its so cute, I do it and the neighbors won’t talk to me anymore
July 15th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I think someone dropped the spiderman comics on their way to being submitted and couldn’t bother putting them back in order, how else do you explain the battle with spiderman and wolverine against Doc Ock coming first and climatic ending being them going to dinner.
If the movies was written like the comics the big climatic battle would have been first then we would have had emo dancing spiderman and fade to black.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Oh oh! I’ve got it. A context that makes sense for Beetle Bailey: The doctor is about to give him an injection. An injection from a syringe. Into his gluteus maximus. And in preparation he is applying a an antiseptic or –more likely given the general’s terror of pain– topical anesthetic cream. He’s warning him of the pain of the injection, see?
And the reason we don’t see the giant syringe in panel is uh, the um … comics code!
But, honestly folks, Mort Walker knows exactly what he is doing. He has been pushing the edge of what he could get away with in comics ever since his editor used to excise belly buttons. (Some interesting history of the strip at that link, too).
July 15th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I haven’t killed a thread in a while, so here goes:
9CL: Oddly enough, Edda noted to herself, the farmer’s sudden appearance seemed to have no effect on Amos’ erection.
BB: Ha, ha! Golf reference!
Bizarro: I think this approach would work on Maeve from Between Friends.
Crock: Ha, ha! Imminent death reference!
(WT)DT: Much as we might want to see the pulse-pounding excitement centering around the capture of wanted criminals Namzorb and Swade, they don’t meet Tracy’s primary requirement of being named after some prominent physical feature. Instead, the next insane plotline will feature Bonnie Braids, who I’m sure shares a hairstylist with Heidi, Pippi Longstocking, and Gail Martin.
FC: Jeffy claims to be taking a bath, but you can follow his drippy, dotted trail all the way back to 9 Chickweed Lane.
HtH: Ha, ha! Golf reference!
H&L: Ha, ha! Twitter reference!
JP: Randy, if you want to impress her with your juggling skills, you’ll need at least two more tennis balls.
MT: Wow, that’s one hard-line vulture. He must be running for LoFo District Attorney.
Big Dog: Ha, ha! Plane crash reference!
Marvin: So are we to infer that Marvin’s hair is that way because his parents just don’t care about him enough to brush it? I bet they only feed the hateful little shit factory because the law requires it.
MW: She’s not sure “how to translate (love) into practical terms”? I’m sure Charley could show her a few methods.
PC: Ha, ha! Twitter reference!
S-M: Don’t look at me, Wolvie. I can’t believe how lame Spidey is, either.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Toni was actually referring to the start of her annual “Daytona 500,” of which, until now, Brad has never been a part. In that context, not saying “stop” does indeed sound exciting and a bit scary
July 15th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
“Until you say stop”.
Bradley, do NOT use those rufinol tablets TJ gave you, man…you’re better than that.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
145. Dingo: German expressionism? Awww, I thought it was just something much simpler:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3722219669/
July 15th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Turning the Corner
The walk was over and Brad was covered in sweat. Partially, this was due to the unseasonably warm weather they were experiencing this year; the other part was eager anticipation of what may lie ahead. TJ was off attending another funeral for Michael Jackson, this one in Poughkeepsie. The house was Brad’s alone. And now, yes now, he was walking back up the steps on his crutches with the woman he had held in unrequited love for so long: Toni. Helping him with his recovery, they had grown closer. He realized now that the feelings stirring within himself for her were more than the lustful cravings of a petulant youth but a man who loved her with his very soul. Brad made his way up the stairs with her tender hands helping him. Was it the afternoon sun or was he blushing?
They entered and Toni commented on his perspiration. She helped Brad remove his shirt. They stood there, next to each other, as close as two Cracker Barrel porcelain hog pepper shakers, and Brad’s nervous breathing took on the staccato patter of an epileptic flamenco dancer’s feet. Toni placed her hands upon his chest and the sensation was of ice and fire. He placed his hands on the small of her back and pulled her to him. Her breasts squeezed against him. Brad leaned down and placed a gentle kiss upon her lips. Toni broke from him and walked toward the bedroom.
Brad paused. Countless times he had played out this scenario in his mind. Toni. Naked. Lying prone across his bed like a Perdue boneless chicken breast in a Wal*Mart meat department display. Nothing but pink flesh and just a hint of fat. Would she be wearing the sombrero and shaking marracas with her vagina as in his dream? He snapped out of it and began to open the door.
The room was dark for 4PM. Almost as dark as a congressman’s heart. Toni was prone on the bed as he imagined but lying beneath a cotton sheet. Brad asked if she was wearing anything and she slowly moved the sheet to reveal her ample bosom and tight, sinewy body. He gasped. She was beautiful.
Brad began to remove his pants and he paused. Could he match up to Dirk? He turned away from her and let his pants fall to the floor. He grabbed the elastic of his boxers and pulled them down. Toni gazed at the bright whiteness of his buttocks and the sweaty dark hair that formed a fleur de lis across the base of his ass and up the asscrack. She wanted to bandy him about like a rag doll in a dog’s mouth and leave him with nothing but stuffing and threads.
Brad turned toward her, hands covering his manhood. He walked toward the bed. Toni whispered, “Let me see…” She took Brad’s hand and moved it away. His gleaming penis stood before her, erect and asking for attention.
“That’s a Goldilocks,” she said. Brad looked confused. “Not too big, not too small, not too hard, not too soft… just right.” She opened her legs and revealed her passageway to adventure to him. Brad quivered.
to be continued
July 15th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
MW: The most revealing thought balloon EVER. This storyline will conclude with Mary knocking Delilah unconscious, then presenting her to Lawrence, as she bellows: “NOW! IMPREGNATE HER WITH YOUR SEED! IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOUR DESTINY TOGETHER!”
July 15th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Bravo, Dingo. I can’t wait to see how Brad screws this one up. Or fails to. Personal injury? Sudden fire? Abject cluelessness?
But I have to question … from Luann’s point of view there’s such a thing as too hard? What has she had up there?
July 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Aviatrix, I believe you mean Toni. If I had written about Brad and Luann, it would have been a completely different story.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Indeed I did, Dingo. At least I didn’t say “Mary Worth.” I really don’t want to know what she’s had up there.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
194 Dingo: It would have? Are you sure?
July 15th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
# 194 Dingo — BWAHAHA!
Erg, applying brain bleach now.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
buckyswife, that story would have to involve a completely black room and a story about Luann being told there was a local man who was a virgin who needed to be deflowered before being sent to Afghanistan and Brad being told there was a local woman dying of cancer whose Make-A-Wish was being fucked by a fireman and halfway through the howler monkey moaning and groaning someone flicks the light on and Brad and Luann see that it’s each other and they scream really, really loud and then Brad says, “What the hell.” and fucks the bejeezus out of her because, after all, Luann’s bejeezus quotient has been rapidly filling over the past year and, besides, fucking her is really no different than fucking TJ but it’s lacking the smell of roasted garlic and Gruyère cheese.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
MaryAnnTheRest @172 – We’ve been in Pittsford for a year now, and only lately have thought of maybe subscribing to the Sunday paper, so I might see notices of auditions for plays and such. I see the Sunday edition at the Y now and then. I like having a paper Sunday section for snarkage, because it takes so bleeding long to bring up each strip that day, so it might be a win-win.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Much more brain bleach needed now.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@Muffaroo: Pittsford is a great town! I love their library almost as much as their Barnes and Noble.
Yeah, I tend to skip the Sunday comics and snarkage. The D&C’s comics selection just makes me too sad, especially on Sundays. They carry Shoe, too. Something about Sunday Shoe enrages me. It’s too consistently a one-panel joke spread out over 30% of the D&C’s available comics real estate.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
#155 — vanya:
Personally, I think it is only that the creator (no pun intended, considering the current idiotic storyline) thinks that he is mighty, mighty intelligent, and wants all of us to know it, too.
I could go on, but I really don’t want to get started…it would be too mean.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
oh god dingo… dingoooooooooo…..
…which reminds me of a hilarious typo seen today in a forum, talking about an arcade video game which accepts memory keys for score retention, but one machine has been having problems with the key being to loose to stay connected: “Can you tell the tech that the USB slut needs to be tightened?”
July 15th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
MaryAnnTheRest @201 – Oh yeah, I think I heard that our B&N is the largest outside of NYC, and it’s spoiled me. I always start with the ‘used’ section. That and the library were factors in our decision to come here. I went to a Friends of the Library book sale and let drop that I can do newsletters, and now I’m on the board.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Luann
If Toni fell 10 feet, Brad would have had no more than 0.8 seconds to get from under the ladder into catching position.
How much risk analysis could he have done?
July 15th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Mark Trail:
Boy, that’s one smart turkey vulture, talking the way he does. And he’s righteously mad, too! All right!
July 15th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Josh, did you ever read my essay on what Luann would have been like written by Batiuk?
July 15th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
#207 – Marion – Instead of people simply not having sex, the focal point would be people occasionally having sex, unwanted pregnancies, and aging horribly. Time Warp Brad and Time Warp TJ would be sitting on a roof ruminating about how great it was that after 12 years of pining for Toni, Brad finally had one night of passion with her before she got burned up in a fiery inferno.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
And then TJ bitches about how the arthritis in Brad’s hips makes for much less thrusting pleasure these days.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Marvin: Does this inappropriate beach brusher know that with the wind at a beach, Marvin’s hair is going to be out of place in about 1.4 seconds?
July 15th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I am so looking for a pair of hog salt-and-pepper shakers next time we go to Cracker Barrel. No, I’m not going to buy them. I am merely going to marvel at them.
Oh, hey. That three-day cruise somewhere in the Caribbean? With Rex and June and the rest? You *think* it must be going well, since we’re in a current slog with Becka.
Au contraire:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3723919431/
July 15th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Dingo never writes anything boring.
Unlike Greg Evans.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Pearls Before Swine:
-Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweedy, the chickens are revolting!
-Finally, something we agree on.
Incidentally, my second Chicken Run reference in as many days.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
204. Muffaroo: although I’ve been involved with my local FoL for 13 years, the three-year stint on the Board felt at least that long. I was hired on as the “volunteer liaison” for the Board, and within a month, I got stuck wasting two weekends in a “strategic planning workshop” AND doing the newsletter (for those three years on the Board). I was talked into a second term, and mid-way through the first meeting of that second term, I wrote my letter of resignation to the President, slid it to her, and walked out.
The current newsletter has a committee/staff because “it’s so much work” (ya think?), and I wouldn’t wish a Board seat on my worst enemy (I’ve told any Board member who’s asked me my opinion on who might be good candidates this as well).
Hopefully, your experience will be far less forehead-to-wall than mine was.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Barnes and Noble stores have “used” books/used book sections?
July 15th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Dingo, I believe it’s standard internet practice to alert faint-of-heart or employed readers with a [NSFW] warning for steamy prose of this nature. [NSFW] … it’s not just for hardcore anymore.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I’m really obsessing about this now, but more evidence that Mort Walker is doing this on purpose from this 2002 interview. To wit:
So either Mort Walker has a doctor who doesn’t believe in paper gowns, or he lies to his editor in order to see how much he can get away with. I wish he was a contributor here. I’ll bet he gives excellent snark.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Did the link to the interview wrong above, somehow.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
The Dead Acorn #216, you must be new. I did. I put my name on it.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
bats :[ @214-5 – My attendance at meetings of the Friends is mostly a struggle to keep focused and try to make some sense out of what to me (at age 52) sounds like a bunch of grown-up talk. Once in a while, something makes sense and I have an idea. I’m mostly there because I can lay out and design a good-looking newsletter (and can handle other design tasks as requested).
The Barnes & Noble store in my town has a used section, but it’s the only one I’ve seen apart from the big Sale Annex in NYC. Fairly decent CD section, too, with the biggest classical selection I’ve found in the area so far. I thought I’d find something downtown by the Eastman school, but no luck. (I searched for sheet music there too, and the only real selection I’ve found has been at used book stores.)
July 15th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Anyone know the Latin equivalent of “This may hurt a little?” I ask because Camp Swampy needs a motto, and that one seems appropriate.
Is may vulnero aliquantulus.
Is that even close…? That’s what the online translator came up with.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Aviatrix @218 – Mort Walker was a giant in the field, and a deep thinking about comics. His kids are doing Beetle Bailey now, and I don’t rate them as highly. To put it mildly.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Semper ubi sub ubi.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
@123: Downsizing only the zombie strips isn’t necessarily a negative trend; theoretically it could go one of two ways, one of which involves pitching those particular strips altogether. Hey, a guy can dream.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I’m a deep thinking too. The square of any side of an isosceles triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. Oh! Rapture!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Joe Blevins @221 – You need to rephrase that. The online translator just crapped the word “may” right through without even trying to digest it. Try something really stilted that sounds Latin even in English, like, “It is possible that there will be small pain.” I’d do it myself, but I have some junk I need to do before we take my daughter to soccer, and both computers are goldbricking on me.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Oh, and another reason the papers are shrinking is “to save newsprint.” That’s what they say. They also do it so they can charge advertisers the same for less and less space, which then gives them lots of free time that they used to have to spend dealing with advertisers. They can use this time to wonder why nobody’s buying ads.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
We are quite taken with young Jeffrey’s lady friend’s visiting outfit, although perky straw hat would be a better accessory than the gold sunglasses perched on top of her head, particularly as they clash with her purse. It is how we might dress if we were a lady selling cosmetics door-to-door or perhaps on a visitation from the United Gospel Church of Suburbia.
It is apparent, however, that Mrs. Caller sees sopping-wet naked moppets often enough in her daily rounds to take them with aplomb. Mr. Keane’s foray into nudity has all the shock value of skinny-dipping in the pond at the end of Chickweed Lane.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
A3G – “Oh…my…God” is right; that panel alone redeems the entire boring China storyline. I so desperately want a poster of this.
DT – Uh, yeah, you know what, I have no idea what’s going on here. As much time as this strip spends rehashing three of the same six panels, when we actually get some new plot turns, they come pretty much out of nowhere. I mean, for crying out loud, we’ve only seen this Bonnie character once in the past week! How are we supposed to figure out who the hell she is without five or so minor variations on this panel?
FC – You know the bit in The Dunwich Horror where they find out what Wilbur is like below the waist? Yeah, that’s what I picture the Circus kids looking like. I wonder how many editors Jeff drove to gibbering madness before this one was finally deemed suitable for print?
FW – I guess Batiuk decided that Lynn shouldn’t be the only person who gets to poorly mimic her old style and pretend that it’s an actual rerun.
GA – WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU DUMBASS IT’S NOT EVEN APPLICABLE TO YOUR PRESENT SITUATION
GT – Oh God, not more Shep Trumbo!
Luann – Christ, even the characters are admitting how pathetically fake the plots in Luann are.
MT – Ooh, a sighting of the rare North American Legal Eagle!
MW – That last line…that’s pretty much Mary in a nutshell.
Edison Lee – Have an opinion you wish to share, but can’t be arsed to find some facts or logic to put behind it? Try our all-new Straw Man, only $19.95!
SM – *facepalm*
Ziggy – Ziggy has a very, very unsettling relationship with his bird.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
So newspaper space is shrinking…and all of the characters are naked. Look, comics writers, I know that sex sells, but comics sex only sells to a very small, mostly weird minority. How about if you try giving your characters cancer or marrying them off instead? Or you could just tell a lot of jokes or something. You know, something really unexpected.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I like Mary Worth’s purple space marijuana shirt.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
#230 OMJulie – I like your theory, but you’d think that the cartoonists would want to go for more nudity in say, Judge Parker or Rex Morgan, and not Beetle Bailey. Unless…the editors said, “Good idea, but in order for it to be published, you’ll need to use the least attractive characters we have. How about General Halftrack, that guy in 9 Chickweed Lane who’s named Thorax because he’s so bug-ugly, and Jeffy? And a floor shot of Ziggy, who never wore pants anyway?”
July 15th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
232 AirForbes:
I was just thinking that. Maybe in a horrible lapse in judgment, comics editors have decided to appeal solely to the bizarre sexual fantasies of other comics editors? “Now if we can just find a way to get General Halftrack, Ziggy, Jeffy, and a couple of chinless wonders into a bath with Dagwood Bumstead! Our jobs will be secured forever!”
July 15th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
#138, These Strange Worlds: The Crock legionaires are fighting against … Amish … ninjas? That’s my guess. Amish ninjas. There are a few scattered Amish communities in the Southwest USA, which would also explain the saguaro cactus in the previous strip. What we have here is the French Foreign Legion trying to invade the USA via Mexico, and we can write off the veiled women and the camels as a delusion induced by the enemy’s mystic Amish ninja mind tricks.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
198 Dingo: Nicely done. I stand corrected (and a little freaked out, but I was expecting that).
And I don’t care about NSFW (I’m in academia; we can look at whatever we like!), but please don’t ruin roasted garlic and Gruyere for me!
July 15th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Since people are still talking about the strange General Halftrack strip … it doesn’t make much sense. Why did the doctor tell him in the first panel that it was going to hurt?
Just yesterday, in one of those life-meets-comics coincidences, I had a woman rub lotion on my stomach in a doctor’s office, and what she said was “This might be a bit cold”.
An ultrasound technician, if you must know.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Just have to say that Mary Worth right now is pushing all my buttons. She’s like Margo on Geritol: My controlling, sociopathic old biddy … I think I’ll keep her.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Re: Myself in 233:
“…And let’s not forget Curtis and his sexy, sexy rash.”
July 15th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
BB: What REAL doctor would have a diploma on the wall which only reads “M.D.” instead of Doctor of Medicine? And why is he wearing slacks and a T-shirt when working on a patient?
July 18th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
And but four days later we have lift off–a stumble and pratfall into Chickweak Lame territory, only this time instead of a bimbo-whippet, the blonde is modeled after (or perhaps simply is) a blow-up doll from an adult toy store…
July 21st, 2009 at 1:32 am
I think “curmudgeon” is an understatement. I enjoy Luann, maybe because I’m an adult. My guess is that juveniles or adult prudes simply skip over it- or should. It’s obvious you’re not mature enough for the strip.
I have my own complaint, however- the characters getting tattooed and LuAnn’s parents seeming to equate this body mutilation with sexiness… A little white trashiness we didn’t need.