Metapost: Out, damned comments of the week!
COTW coming momentarily, but first, a fun link from faithful reader CK! Comic artist R. Sikoryak has put a book of classic tales imagined in the style of various comic artists! You’ll enjoy the whole thing, but you’ll particularly want to move forward to page three to see role Mary Worth was born to play: Lady MacBeth.
And now, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!
“The damage this week’s Luann is going to do to countless naive teenage boys is almost unbear — wait, I forgot teenage boys would rather swallow a bottle rocket than read Luann. You dodged a bullet there, little friends.” –Marion Delgado
And the many runners up! Very funny!
“I like how Archie is envisioning changing into a long-sleeve shirt before he punches Reggie in the face. Though perhaps it’s not Archie at all, but Mark Trail making a crossover appearance. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pictured Mark getting all punchy on someone who’s pissed me off. Well, actually I never have, but I probably will now.” –kevinbapp.com
“MW: I can’t really see where this story is going, apart from an increasingly bizarre series of spontaneous walks.” –Mooncattie
“The Dalai Lama wishes to give you a blessing, Margo. And by ‘blessing’, I of course mean ‘exorcism’.” –seismic-2
“Next week, in a very special Apartment 3-G, Margo grabs the Dalai Lama by the balls and yells in his face for six straight days.” –Lolsworth
“Exactly what kind of ‘story book‘ is Connie talking about here, The Soporific Non-Adventure of the College Acquaintances Who Eventually Became Neighbors and Made Desultory Conversation While Watching Their Kids Not Play in the Park? Sometimes ‘gripping’ seems like such an inadequate word.” –Violet
“I did nature programs at a summer camp for a few years, and I never saw kids standing around outside with expressions quite like that. Are they on wee little downers, or what?” –Poteet
“I plan to keep on reading Mark Trail no matter WHAT happens.” –True Fable
“It bothers me that characters in Judge Parker are constantly shrouded in mysterious and dramatic shadows while they say and do utterly mundane things. Meanwhile, the characters in Gil Thorp are invariably well-lit, despite their totally incomprehensible behavior.” –Trilobite
“Oh, Gil Thorp! How I love your giant manly knuckles, and your large slablike faces and guyish locks of hair falling over intense mysterious sunglassed eyes while you speak in deep tones of incomprehensible things! Oh my. I need to sit down.” –Bootsy
“Dear Lord! It’s 2019! ’Shaft should be hooked up to fully immersed VR Porn simulation until his kidneys and spleen give out! Please give him an honorable death!” –AeroSquid
“‘Unofficial P.I. Bob Kazinski gets to work’ is the greatest intro ever, assuming that you’re cool with ‘getting to work’ meaning ‘asking your unofficial client an awkward question’ and ‘leaping to an unjustified conclusion from said question and relating it to Kelly.’” –Cranky
“I just can’t look away from the Ringo the Ringmaster’s sad, soulful eyes in Panel 1. You can tell he didn’t think his life would turn out this way. He didn’t want to get involved in circus-themed crime. He just wanted to make children smile, and now Dick Tracy is going to punch out his spleen, shove it down his throat, and throw him into the tiger cage.” –Comrade Denny
“Kaz is so baked. Next he’ll be calling athletic supply companies: ‘Did somebody order a lot of balls? Like … a lot of them?’” –Donald The Anarchist
“There are three suspicious people with baseballs down at the county park. They’re easy to recognize as they have no facial features.” –zerowolf
“That’ll take care of any evidence I left behind! Now to walk back to the city on foot with a sniper rifle.” –Dagger
“And here I was, left without anything to bring my friend to her suicide party. A Ziggy cake will work great!” –Ista
“I figured out why Cindy looks twenty years younger than her decrepit peers. She escaped Westview years ago and thus no longer eats Montoni’s Pizza every single day. Maybe she even occasionally eats a vegetable that is not an oil-drenched topping.” –anty a
“Nothing ever sounds less stilted in the original German.” –Packherd
“I can’t believe Kaz keeps letting ‘Gil’s balls’ fly past him without taking a double entendre swing at them. C’mon man: ‘Made any progress today, babe?’ ‘Big Time, Princess Leia. No professional has ever touched Gil’s balls.’ It’s fucking T-ball, dude.” –lunarhalo
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave/ Something something Delilah’s a skeeve.” –Sir Walter Greenback
“Mary Worth is making the classic mistake of dealing only with the popular half of a quote. ‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave … when we practice to deceive.’ Except Delilah’s not deceiving anyone. Not only does her ex-boyfriend know she’s married, but she practically announced to Mary and her husband that she’s about to go shtup the moron, and will undoubtedly break down and confess exactly 0.3 seconds after seeing Mary tomorrow morning. Really, the only thing this half-quote has accomplished was to make me picture Mary Worth as a multi-eyed, multi-limbed spider-human hybrid. Thanks for that, Sir Walter Scott. Thanks a lot.” –Black Drazon
“I believe Delilah’s raven hair signifies her status as a fallen woman in the Worth-iverse. In recent storylines, Mary Worth has interfered in the lives of vacant blondes (like that ice skater and the other one who was married to Santa Claus) whose light-colored hair signified their status as naive innocents. Mary’s own hair, of course, is perfectly white as she is without sin.” –Joe Blevins
“Our last night in the pass was bitter cold, which is why I was wearing a windbreaker over my turtleneck, just in case.” –One-eyed Wolfdog
“The facial expression of Gil Thorp’s culprit betrays his intention to soon commit Seppuku. ‘I have brought shame upon my family! Quickly, hand me that letter opener!’” –Disingenuous Penguin
Huzzah to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:
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Rusty
July 27th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Well done, everyone.
Muffaroo
July 27th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
For those who can’t wait to see a naked female on a horse. (Not Safe For Humans.)
Artist formerly known as Ben
July 27th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Aaaaaah.
Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just sitting back and enjoying the funniness.
Aaaaaaah.
What? My pants are undone because I just ate.
buckyswife
July 27th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Excellent CsOTW, all! Congratulations!
Now I need to think of occasions to use the phrase “wee little downers” in everyday speech…..
buckyswife
July 27th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
y209 Niall—Happy, safe, and sunny travels!
sugarpie
July 27th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
An insane week in the comics has brought out the best. Congratulations Marion Delgado, lolsworth and Donald the Antichrist and everyone else ridin’ it.
commodorejohn
July 27th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Oh my God, Mary Worth as Lady Macbeth is the most chillingly brilliant thing I have ever seen. I MUST OWN THIS BOOK.
bats :[
July 28th, 2009 at 12:22 am
NIggle-time: the Scottish play’s title is (spoiler alert! Macbeth, not MacBeth). Macbeth is one of the few Scots names that is not a patronymic (it doesn’t mean “son/descendant of Beth), but a surname on its own.
MW: ohthisissogreat. Honestly, Charley might have some really “out there” stuff, but coming into our house, you will be met by a 4′ tall plaster statue of David (no fig leaf, but he might be wearing a hat or bunny ears to match the season), and a large framed repro of Bouguereau’s “Nymphs and Satyr”. Other nekky goodness is found throughout the house.
And if this is the definition of “not child-proof,” so be it.
OTOH, neither mr. bats :[ nor I get all weird and Mr. Hyde-faced when people drop in.
Uncle Lumpy
July 28th, 2009 at 12:25 am
MacWorth: “Spirits, unsex me?”
Far, far too late for that, lady.
anty a
July 28th, 2009 at 12:29 am
I can’t believe I see my humble, sidelines name in the runners-up. Does this make me official?
Actually I was wishing I had used the phrase “grease-soaked topping” instead of “oil-soaked topping” just for that added oomph. Alas, I am prone to impulsive posting followed by regretful hindsight. To atone, I would like to offer the following recipe, in the spirit of oil-soaked foods:
Fried Butter Balls
True Fable
July 28th, 2009 at 12:39 am
Yay! *does happy goat dance* Congratulations to Marion Delgado and the entire Flotilla!
Speaking of Mark Trail… Fist O Justice Theater So, there is no police presence in the Lost Forest area, huh? Just Mark Trail, dispensing homespun wisdom and cheeky assumptions. That’s my boy.
Poteet
July 28th, 2009 at 12:49 am
I curtsey before you, Marion Delgado, and what fun to ride the float with such funny runners up. A very good week for laughing.
True Fable
July 28th, 2009 at 12:50 am
Meddle House Thanks to the coloring gnomes, that flesh-colored lamp gives a 3-D effect to the “artwork”, and that is the only reason Delilah should be reacting so strongly to Charlie’s taste in decor. He’s a horny bastard; what did you expect, lady? He’s like Dudley Moore’s character in Foul Play. But I do love the totally squicked-out expression she wears in panel two.
Ahhh, I see where this is going. Charlie is SOOoo disgusting, doesn’t want children (oh teh evil of it all!) and is such a horn-dog, she’ll go flying back into Lawrence’s gray-streaked arms before summer is out. Crap. I kind of wanted to see someone in Mary Worth actually being, you know, BAD for once. Bad rather than borderline tepid.
Plus, apparently when he doesn’t frame and display Unspeakable Filth, Charlie goes for framed pictures of oil streaks on water according to the background in panel two.
Poteet
July 28th, 2009 at 12:54 am
7/28 MW — Ooh, fascinating. I hadn’t realized that not wanting to have children made me a sexually-overcharged daughter of Satan with a permanent lascivious leer, but who am I to argue with the evidence before me? REEFER MADNESS, here I come!
True Fable
July 28th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Sultan Spencer, Chick Magnet Good Lord, in my next life I want to be an Arabian stallion! Shapely women will want to exercise me and strut their stuff in my bachelor pad!
*sigh* Just my luck, I’ll come back as one of those unhappy little Shetlands in the kiddie ride section of the Greater Metropolitan Roopville town fair.
C’haft Not content with killing Rose’s decor, C’haft will now sicc the Death Cat onto her little dog.
Forgetful Wallybean never fear, this is only temporary. NO one is allowed to be blissfully unaware in the Winkerverse; see if it says “blissful” so it just can’t happen.
Marion Delgado
July 28th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Yay me! official w00t. My favorite comment of the week was josh’s about dick tracy, but he’s in the pro division :)
mollificent
July 28th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Several yesterthreads ago, #171 Mooncattie…LMAO!! No comment. ;)
Sadly, however…there were no goats at the Games!!!! *sob* I’ve let Sir Fable down…I’m so ashamed…
True Fable
July 28th, 2009 at 1:13 am
#14 O Poteet, my queen! Absolutely! There is no gray in Mary Worth except in hairdos. You’re either Families with Children = apple pie, America and Righteous Living, or you are a hedonistic Young Person who is a sexual predator and might become Tommie Tweaker with your very own meth lab. Mary Worth does not understand “chooses not to have children”; she only hears that as “I will eat the flesh of any child within my reach.” Considering that Mary Worth herself has a son who won’t speak to her, I’d say the whole enterprise is fucked up.
You are perfectly fine. Unless, of course, you have shocking pictures of nubile nudes in the foyer of your home like Charlie apparently does, which I assume you do not. :)
#17 mollificent – au contraire, my dear! The mere fact that you looked for goats, means the world to me.
Aviatrix
July 28th, 2009 at 1:14 am
Kind of glad I didn’t comment this week, so I wasn’t competing with the funniest COTW ever. I laughed all the way through.
“bizarre series of spontaneous walks” !
Honeypot
July 28th, 2009 at 1:27 am
OMG. Today’s Mary Worth is just a classic. A classic, I tell you.
Delilah encounters her first glimpse of porn, and Charlie is revealed as the pervert we all knew he was. This storyline should wrap up abruptly as soon as Del realizes exactly what Charlie has in mind – and I guarantee you that it won’t involve the begging and sniveling love with Lawrence has taught her to expect.
Seriously, though, the woman is childish, annoying and in love with stupid games. I don’t blame her husband for being pissed. I’d complain more about his behaviour, but I haven’t seen it like I’ve seen hers.
Congrats to the folks on the float, and to this weeks winner –
Poteet
July 28th, 2009 at 1:30 am
# 18 Sir Fable MTK — Thank you, kind knight. The only pictures of nudes in my home are of cats (and they do look good nude, I gotta say).
But it’s quite annoying not to be able to actually see what’s setting Delilah’s brain on fire. And thanks for pointing out the flesh-colored lamp. I thought it was some kind of bondage device. I still can’t tell it’s a lamp, but I prefer your perception of it to mine:-).
Frank Parsnip
July 28th, 2009 at 1:34 am
Congrats COTWeekers!
A3G: It’s an “unbreakable rule” never to look back at Eric while they’re climbing the mountains? He makes it sound like Eric was a werewolf or something.
MT: Let’s ponder this a bit — Mark Trail finds a bunch of chemical barrells and barges into a chemical company. The available woman running said chemical company has a doofus brother who had to switch his waste-product dumping contracts to some mob-run outfit once he lost too much money gambling. And so the mob urges doofus brother to go with Mark to the dumping site, where they post a shooter who shoots doofus in the chest. And Mark figures: 1) the shooter meant to only wound the doofus brother; 2) the doofus brother “wouldn’t be any good to them dead”.
My head’s hurting again.
MW: I’m like Charlie a bit better now. Apparently he’s got a painting of a naked chick that can melt Delilah’s face faster than one of Lawrence’s hangups. http://www.diranart.com/store/index.php?act=viewCat&catId=1 In panel 2, the rest of his art collection seems to involve pizzas.
Sex Organ, M.D.: Fools! Why didn’t they simply just call her “Janice”. It’s not like Mr. Winters is going to know one way or the other.
DtM: Dennis acknowledging “Stop” as the first word he learned? Not menacing. Dennis pointing out “Stop” as the first word he learned to ignore? Better.
Funky Pantysniffer: Cindy’s formerly Vietnam-era jungle fatigues have been turned purple. I do like that she’s complementing it with a nice old-timey leather football helmet.
Family Circus: The Keane family is down to three now — mom, dad and Billy.
bats :[
July 28th, 2009 at 1:36 am
13. True Fable re MW: I had to call in mr. bats :[ to help identify the lamp in Charley’s condo — I was really afraid we were dealing with something like amputee art.
Then again, maybe that would be an improvement:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3764960122/sizes/o/
(Mark hasn’t aged that well…)
True Fable
July 28th, 2009 at 1:40 am
Dickweed Tracy “I’m going down there, Tess! I can’t smell the tangy aroma of fresh blood all the way up here!”
WTF GT Who the hell is Marty DeJong? The evil cousin of Cliff DeYoung? or Erica Jong? or Carl Jung?
Sweet and Sour Odd, I kind of expected Bernice’s gaze to linger a little longer on Luann…
Kit Walker, Bangalla Ranger Way to go, Ghost-Who-Clotheslines!
Poteet
July 28th, 2009 at 1:44 am
# 23 bats — Excellent! And of course that’s the closest we’ll come to seeing Charley and Delilah actually go to bed. Nerts.
A3G — It’s Orpheus and Eurydice in the Brokeback Himalayas! And the gods forgot to tell them to wear gloves.
Ed Dravecky
July 28th, 2009 at 2:10 am
Maybe Delilah will blindly stumble into Charley’s bathroom and become ever more horrified when she’s told what the toilet is for and how it works: “What, in the HOUSE? EWW!”
Jack Parsons
July 28th, 2009 at 3:57 am
As to the pink thing at the right end of MW, I’m guessing more in the Hans Bellmer “Poupee” zone.
No, I’m not giving you a link. It’s not safe for work, and not safe for the mind. He was one of the more sexually f’d up Surrealists.
Lolsworth
July 28th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Apparently the key to getting on the COTW list is to say something funny about Margo. That’s how I keep doing it.
Frank Parsnip
July 28th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Bats: Again, your hilarious creations have left me without a dry seat in my office!
mordock999
July 28th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Today’s Luann 07/28/09
5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ACTION!
“Oh, HELL, NO, Young Lady! You are NOT going OUT in Public in THAT ‘HO-SUIT’ just to sell a really BAD video game to 8 to 15 year old HORNY boys!!!”
—– The DeGroot Parental Units
_______________________
DEATH to TJ!
-
gleeb
July 28th, 2009 at 7:04 am
‘bean: Wait. The lucky bastard’s forgotten all about Cancerdeathville and its inhabitants? And someone is going to remind him? Such cruelty.
Gil: Marty Dejong! Who the hell’s Marty Dejong?
John C Fremont
July 28th, 2009 at 7:08 am
MW – I would just like to take a moment to take back every negative thing I’ve ever said about the current storyline. It just keeps getting better and better. This is subject to change, of course.
Bryan
July 28th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Nice try, Bernice. As much as you attempt to act all jaded we all know the image of Luann in her little outfit is going to be replayed again and again in your head.
yellojkt
July 28th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Only in the Worthiverse does the “Come on up to see my etchings” line still work.
Amateur
July 28th, 2009 at 7:59 am
MW: This storyline is the gift that keeps on giving.
tb4000
July 28th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Luann: Anything to get your underage harlots in bikinis, huh Evans? The next arc should focus on Delta having to raise funds yet again for some hippie project, yet the only way for them to get the cash is, according to TJ, “get on the pole.”
Comrade Denny
July 28th, 2009 at 8:30 am
7-27’s:
FC: I know this is part of a series of reruns, but part of me still hopes beyond hope that this time, the road-trip ends in a small clearing with four shallow graves.
Whippersnapper
July 28th, 2009 at 8:30 am
FW: In a desperate attempt to avoid a return to the misery of Winkerville and stay in the comparative comfort and happiness of an Iraqi military prison, Wally pretends not to know Cindy. Sorry Wally- no one escapes the Winkerverse.
Brick Bradford
July 28th, 2009 at 8:41 am
9CL: So, Monty’s deity comes into question because he can’t think straight with the ponderous pudenda jof Thorax staring right him in the eye?
Archie: Gee, gotta love that hip teenage slang. It’s keen.
A3G: Are those idiots even wearing shoes?
DT: “I’m going down there Tess. To lap up the blood”.
MW: The Mary Worth Fiesta of Fabulous Facial Expressions rocks on! This is the best Mary Worth since Aldo!
Phantom: The Ghost Who Blindsides.
Flummoxicated
July 28th, 2009 at 9:01 am
MW: So Delilah is horrified at the sight of a nude woman, and horrified at the notion of not having children. She does know where babies come from, doesn’t she?
Little Guy
July 28th, 2009 at 9:04 am
MW: Mashup Opportunity!
PC: Cockpit!
JP: Hell, even Baretto can draw the horse sexy.
GT: WHO????
Little Guy
July 28th, 2009 at 9:05 am
30: The DeGrooy would say that if Luann was in a burka.
8th Man Fan
July 28th, 2009 at 9:09 am
S-M: Uh-oh. Wolverine’s been hit with Doc Ock’s patented super-duper, sneak-behind-ya, tentacle-induced mega-wedgie. That’s gotta hurt.
buckyswife
July 28th, 2009 at 9:38 am
A3G: “And I have not looked back. Say, can you tell me if Eric is behind me?”
SM: Run, Wolverine—flee the city as fast as you can, before you, too, are sucked into the great vortex of mediocrity that’s already claimed Spiderman! You’re already showing symptoms: vague self-pity and the inability to react when a villain explains that he’s going to attack.
MT: Why is Joey any good to them wounded?
I do appreciate the use of classic symbolism here: The rabbit, of course, represents the dark, seamy underbunny of the city.
DtM: This looks oddly like an A3G street scene: the blocky, nondescript buildings; the all-white passersby. The question is, how would Joey and Dennis get to Dharamsala?
MW: I can’t quite figure out the “art” here. First, it looks as though porn chick is wearing a bathing suit. And she sort of looks like she’s in a classic pin-up pose. Is Delilah really that shocked by an 80s Vargas poster?
Steve the Pocket
July 28th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Buckles: I was going to guess that somebody has been trolling the Buckles message forum of late and that this is supposed to be a mocking response to that. But no, said forum appears to have still not seen a single post in literally years. Sad. He should really just take that thing down before it starts attracting flies.
Crankshaft: OK, if this is going where it seems to be going, I’m afraid I can’t second the “third most annoying character” thing. Second biggest annoyance to Ed, yes, but I really can’t recall him (her?) doing anything that annoyed me, ever. Unlike, say, the yappy dog in Marvin. Or, sorry, is it Marvin & Family now. Whatever.
Edison Lee: Because, you know, those generic food products never, ever hike their prices. No sir. Inflation is just a myth created by the evil geniuses at Frito-Lay.
Special mention goes to whoever colored Dennis the Menace for not colorizing the stop sign. Leaving things like Miss Buxley’s dress black is understandable since they’d have to decide for themselves where the outline ends and the color begins. But… well, this was a no-brainer.
TheDiva
July 28th, 2009 at 9:49 am
C’shaft: Well, if I can’t enjoy watching Crankshaft being taken down by a geographically inappropriate snake, I suppose seeing an annoying rat dog suffer the same fate is an acceptable substitute.
FW: Oh, dear. Long ago when this storyline began and we were all wondering why Wally had been MIA for an extraordinarily long period of time, I contemplated the possibility of Wally having amnesia. “No way,” I told myself, “Even Batiuk wouldn’t stoop to such a laughable, hackneyed soap opera cliche as that.” I really, really should have known better.
MW: Because only obviously evil single men who don’t want children would even think of having porn around their house. Good people have missionary sex while closing their eyes and thinking of Charterstone.
I love this storyline. It’s like watching a train wreck in brilliant Day-Glo colors.
PCity: Really, if I wanted to see this kind of strawmanning, I would read…other comic strips.
bats :[
July 28th, 2009 at 11:18 am
44. buckyswife re MW: I feel the same way. The shocking painting appears to be a non-nude…at least a woman wearing the bottom portion of a swimsuit.
Evidently, MW is set in an alternate universe where people like Betty Grable (and her legs) never existed.
Gold-Digging Nanny
July 28th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Hilarious comments, everyone! Thanks for making Tuesday morning awesome!
Anonymous
July 28th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Maybe its not a picture of any woman in a one piece bathing suit…but none other than Charterstone Vixen herself Mary Worth! That would terrify any child into a life of therapy. Yeesh.
annnabanana
July 29th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I’m not certain if Charley’s line about “a collector who specializes in that sort of thing” might actually be in reference to the skin lampshade rather than the ‘artwork’, but I know I’d stick around for a MW plotline that involves Joseph Mengele’s still being alive and hiding out in Charterstone, particularly if it involved his putting the Aldomania moves on Mary.
Heathor
July 31st, 2009 at 8:55 pm
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Unfortunately, since I strongly oppose PETA for their acts of animal cruelty, I won’t be coming back.
It’s sad to me how few people realize that PETA’s one true objective is to euthanize every domestic animal to “save” them from being owned by people.
http://www.petakillsanimals.com/
Cartier Replicas
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