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Does she or doesn’t she?

When we last saw Wilbur’s beau Iris, she had mousy brown hair, a Victorian governess’s vocabulary, and some sort of black goo all over the middle of her face:

Since that time, we Mary-watchers have been on a magical mystery tour of honeymoon babies and drunken, clingy houseguests. But what’s Iris been up to? How’s she reacted to the incarceration of her two-time loser of a meth-dealing son?

Mary Worth, 11/7/05

Well, apparently she’s feeling better. Not only has she had some deep cleansing work done on her pores, but her hair’s been peroxided up like a Ukrainian mail-order bride’s. Yes, she’s been transformed from gloomy to sunny by a little Miss Clairol and a lot of the love of a good man!

By which I mean Wilbur.

Who appears to be stabbing himself in the throat with an undersized matzo ball. Or possibly a kumquat. It’s hard to tell.

Either way, he’s a real winner.

Apparently Iris and Wilbur’s relationship has advanced to the point where she feels free to correct him on his life’s work. Wilbur’s sour face in the first panel isn’t just a result of his accidentally jabbing himself in the Adam’s apple with some indistinguishable bite-sized taupe morsel: it’s reflective of his advice columnist M.O. “Yeah, it seems like your marriage is pretty much doomed.” “Peer pressure is tough when you’re a kid; if you want to have friends, you’re just going to have to drink, smoke, and put out.” “Gosh, your life doesn’t really sound to me like it’s worth living — have you considered suicide?” Perhaps his beblonded lady friend will help him turn that attitude around. Will he follow her advice — or reconsider his union?

88 responses to “Does she or doesn’t she?”

  1. Hysterical Woman
    November 8th, 2005 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    It’s not like “work things out” is stellar advise either.

  2. Raspberry
    November 8th, 2005 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    Wow, you’ve almost made me want to start reading Mary Worth on my own, but I doubt I’d be as funny as you in my head, so I’ll stick with you.

    one thing to add- that thing on his fork isn’t taupe. I have a pant suit that’s taupe, but that tumour looking thing isn’t taupe. (Don’t know what color it is though- sorry)

  3. heynoni
    November 8th, 2005 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    This reminds me of a radio segment I heard a few years back about the Dalai Lama’s tour of the states. There were little snippets from his audiences with the common folk who’d gathered to ask deep and meaningful questions and listen to his jewels of wisdom.

    A sample of the intellectual communion that took place (slightly paraphrased:)

    PERSON: Your Holiness, there’s so much war and hate in the world right now. What do you think we need to do to make things better?

    DALAI LAMA: Be at peace with each other.

    …Here followed gasps of appreciation and a rousing round of applause!

    I would’ve suggested that this strip’s idea of brilliant advice was particularly lame, but on reflection, if even the Dalai Lama’s fanclub is so damn appreciative of hearing someone state the frigging bloody obvious, who am I to criticise?

  4. Laughing Boy
    November 8th, 2005 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    Will he follow her advice — or reconsider his union?

    Reconsider!! Reconsider for the love of God and with the best interests of the comatose audience and characters in mind!!

    Let’s liven things up a bit with a messy divorce and humiliating court proceedings! Let’s expose Wilbur as Wendy! Let’s bring out Iris’ pathetic stab at loooking younger to attract the pool boy while Wilbur spends all day reading Wendy’s mail and fingering his keyboard! Let’s bring Wilbur’s cross dressing/transexual fantasies out into the light of day where they belong, not locked up in Wendy’s closet!!! Let’s see something even SLIGHTLY interesting!!!!!!

    (Takes several deep breaths)

    I need a new hobby….

  5. Scipio
    November 8th, 2005 at 3:12 am [Reply]

    My theory is that to distract us from Wilbur’s laryngectomy (which now requires him to manually activate his artificial voicebox), Ellen Degeneres has been engaged to guest-star as Iris…

    Who, indeed, but a Lesbian could have any sexual interest in Wilbur?

  6. kippetje2000
    November 8th, 2005 at 4:19 am [Reply]

    wait a sec…..Wilbur has a striking resemblance to your “comics curmudgeon gear” shill with the coffee mug on the left of comment number 5. Coincience? Or would a large shot of Bombay Gin help to perk up Wibur’s sour puss?

  7. kippetje2000
    November 8th, 2005 at 4:32 am [Reply]

    not the woman in the t shirt, mind you. She looks nothing like Wibur.

  8. Frank Drackman
    November 8th, 2005 at 6:34 am [Reply]

    Wilbur reminds me of former Soviet president Mikhail Gorbachev with glasses and sans scalp birthmark.

  9. GotFuzzy
    November 8th, 2005 at 7:12 am [Reply]

    The color of the forked item is Phlegm Yellow. Look for it in your next box of 64 Crayolas.

  10. Archivalist
    November 8th, 2005 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Wilbur is Gary Burghoff (Radar from M*A*S*H*, for all you kids out there). ‘Nuff said.

    In Panel one, nice to see LuAnn and Scott at the back table. And what’s she looking at in her glass? Perhaps ruing having not stayed in Greece with Ari, her cabana boy. Or maybe just planning to brain Scott-o with it once empty. Choices…so many choices…

  11. Tommyp
    November 8th, 2005 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Wilbur is obviously Dick Van Patten from “Eight Is Enough”. I can only assume his entire dysfunctional brood is just out of panel…

  12. King Folderol
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Wilbur reminds me of that guy in “Total Recall” who tells Arnold that his virtual vacation has gone totally wrong, but that a pill will snap him out of it.

  13. zillahgirl
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    What would concern me is that convienently located-to-listen cardinal outside the window, Rex Morgan. What is with the comic strip birds lately?

  14. Doug Puthoff
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    I think Mary has better things to do, like fighting Osama bin Laden.

  15. Sheila
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    And what’s gone wrong with Rex’s chin? So help me he didn’t use to have that jutting, chiseled, prominent caricature of a chin. Before marriage to June — say, ten years back? — he just looked like a dweeb. Is he morphing into an alien species or what???

    As for Iris and Wilbur… how can Iris POSSIBLY hold up her own marriage and her own actions as exemplary? Her husband was very strict with ol’ Tommy, as I recall, and Tommy resented him, rebelled, and turned to drugs (in a half-assed, incompetent way, but still). And this is an argument for “working it out” because of the children? Huh?

    The tumor-looking thing could be beige. Or perhaps ecru.

  16. Sheila
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    P.S. Josh, I don’t think “beau” works for a girlfriend — it’s masculine after all. What else can we call her? Belle? Squeeze?

  17. Amber
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Re comment #6: Not only is Zipper the Mule (the model with the mug of Bombay Gin) much more attractive, dapper, and fun-loving than balding, dour Wilbur, she gives much better advice.
    Signed,
    (the woman in the t-shirt)

  18. Anon
    November 8th, 2005 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    The kumquat matzo ball is the same color as Iris’ hair.

  19. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    November 8th, 2005 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    It’s a shade of yellow that harkens back to the Ukrainian steppes.

    Why is the bald guy holding his fork like that, anyway? It’s not a dignified way to eat. When I look at him, I see Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web– the tacky Disney version. And I think “some pig.”

  20. Sourbelly
    November 8th, 2005 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Archivalist:

    Wilbur is NOT Gary Burghoff. We can clearly see both of his hands, and neither is a disfigured lump.

    Whoever he is, he’s eating one of Iris’ hairballs. This relationship is getting serious.

  21. Mrs. BipolarBear
    November 8th, 2005 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Re: 16
    How about consort? Oh, and it looks like the professor’s there too.

  22. Mr. Froth
    November 8th, 2005 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    I am wondering why no one has pointed out Iris’ casual six-gun fingering pointing drinky drinky combo/admonishment? I guess it takes smarmy to recognize smarmy… (right back at ya, Babe…)

  23. MyBrainHurts
    November 8th, 2005 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Is that…Peter Parker wearing a quilt vest? He’s known to be sartorially challenged. Perhaps he’s wearing his half-mask as well, sensing imminent conflict between Iris and Wilbur?

    Whatever color is the matzoh ball, Iris seems to be poised to stab herself in the throat with one as well.

  24. loudfan
    November 8th, 2005 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Here’s a little something for all you Mary Worth/Black Eyed Peas fans out there.

  25. skippingthroughflowers
    November 8th, 2005 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Why have they shifted the attention from Rita and her hideous surrogate daughter? Soon, very soon, whe will be revealed to be… FAY!

  26. Adouble
    November 8th, 2005 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Hey loudfan, the combined awfulness of Mary Worth and Black Eyed Peas somehow is much better than either of them singularly. Good work.

    Today’s Fred Basset has the lowest rewarding punchline/wordiness of set-up ratio I’ve ever seen. I hope the team of aged, British chimps that writes Fred Basset keeps up the good work.

  27. Mibbitmaker
    November 8th, 2005 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    Actually, I think Wilbur (I so want to say that like Mr. Ed) is actually removing his Adam’s apple. He really does want to be a female advise columnist, doesn’t he?

    I actually think the “black goo” part is unfair; that’s really good shading there. Not Gene Colon good, but good.

  28. Mibbitmaker
    November 8th, 2005 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    #14: I know how Mary’d do it, too: she storms in, rattles off a multitude of her worst platitudes. Soon enough, Osama breaks, caterwalling, “ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! I CAN’T LISTEN TO THIS CRAZY WOMAN ANYMORE!! TAKE ME, BUSH, I’M YOOOOOURS!! PLEASE!!!!!”

  29. Mibbitmaker
    November 8th, 2005 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    #27: “adviCe columnist” …. with a “c”!

    Stupid Mibbit!

  30. z
    November 8th, 2005 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    No, it’s a joke get it? Workaholic… work it out…. Wilbur is about to ROTFLHAO.

  31. Sassy_Rocks
    November 8th, 2005 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    How about the Wilbur Weston “Frilly Willy” naughty little Ask Wendy french apron curmudgeongear? If you sell thongs why not frilly aprons?

  32. Archivalist
    November 8th, 2005 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    Sourbelly –

    Hm…perhaps you’re right. Maybe it’s his bilaterally symmetrical evil twin?

  33. 2fs
    November 8th, 2005 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone seen Wilbur and Karl Rove in the same room together?

  34. Laughing Boy
    November 8th, 2005 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    re: Rex Morgan of 11/8/05

    Yeah, Mr. M.D., God forbid you should be worried about any PAIN your patient might have!

    Also, today’s Get Fuzzy rocks!!

    Go Lobster, Go Lobster!!

  35. Sourbelly
    November 8th, 2005 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    Gary Burghoff’s Bilaterally Symmetrical Evil Twin… A bit longish for a band name, but it would look good on a business card.

  36. Jocko
    November 8th, 2005 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

  37. Archivalist
    November 8th, 2005 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Sourbelly –

    BSET, then.

  38. 3zy
    November 8th, 2005 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    I’m stunned that nobody recognized the pattern on Iris’s face… Obviously, she was this close to turning into Roschack from the Watchmen! Guess we’re lucky Mary talked her out of killing Ozymandias…

  39. Marc
    November 8th, 2005 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    i was rite. Sally went fridge shopping

  40. weiser
    November 8th, 2005 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    Judging by the looks on Iris and Wilbur’s faces, I think they may come to blows; or at least throwing glasses of wine – no wait that’s hot cocoa – in each others’ faces

  41. weiser
    November 8th, 2005 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    Plus, it’s so good to have MW back on the front page. Thank you Wilbur. Thank you Iris. Thank you Josh

  42. Bill Peschel
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    loudfan:

    that
    was
    sick

    I congratulate you. That’s worthy of Zippy the Pinhead (in his better days)

  43. Marc
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    Loudfan, I love you. It was hilarious. You even used the same comic strip I used on my website a few posts ago.

    Seeing Mary in the “My Humps” music video and shaking her “Seven jeans ass” puts a look on my face similar to Wilbur the maniacle matzoh ball stabber’s face.

    I think Jeff wants to stick all his junk in her trunk………..fo sho.’

  44. Islamorada Girl
    November 8th, 2005 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    According to Sherwin-Williams, that chicken mc nugget Wilbur (and yes, yes I do want to say it like Mr. Ed, you are so right!) is eating is a lovely shade called Sahara Sand.

    Yes, I do have too much time on my hands and too many paint samples on my desk. Thank you for asking, and Death to Gil Thorp.

  45. Howard Erk
    November 8th, 2005 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    Also, today’s Get Fuzzy rocks!!

    Yeah, I haven’t seen that joke since a 1982 Garfield™

    Pathetic.

  46. Skooter
    November 8th, 2005 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    MW – How long do you think it will take before Doc Jeff writes to Wendy to try and wife-swap with the workaholic? Doc Jeff is looking for action, as is the workaholic’s lonely wife. And the workaholic will love going to sleep to soothing platitudes and old saws from Mary: “Work is the milk that feeds the soul of friendship on a bright day with flying swans.”

  47. Occam
    November 9th, 2005 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    #34 Laughing boy: yes, I liked “Get Fuzzy” and the lobster. But then, I do like that comic.

    #42 Howard Erk: put up or shut up time, Erk. Let’s see that particular gag in a 1982 “Garfield.” Date that cartoon ran, please.

  48. Laughing Boy
    November 9th, 2005 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    Occam, thanks for the boost to my pitance of an ego, and I’ve been reading Garfield for as long as I can remember, (and for the ones I missed I used to read the collected volumes too) and I never saw anything that hilarious in any of them!

    I repeat:

    Go Lobster, Go Lobster!! Go, go, go lobster!!!

  49. Chawunky
    November 9th, 2005 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    #38: !!!

    “RORSCHACH’S JOURNAL: Glass swan on the linoleum this morning with burst stomach…Mary is afraid of me–I have seen her true face.”

    Me, I’m wondering if the surveillance bird is gonna crop up outside the restaurant. Hurm.

  50. Adouble
    November 9th, 2005 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    For my personal funny money, I don’t think I’ve seen a panel in Garfield ever as funny as the third panel in today’s GF. That’s just my take.

  51. Mibbitmaker
    November 9th, 2005 at 3:23 am [Reply]

    11/9:

    FC: Uh-oh, looks like we’re about to see Grandma throw P.J. angrily at the other two kids!

    FBOFW: Uh-oh, looks like we’re about to see Elly throw P.J. angrily at April!

    A3G: “I do have a great life. Just a boring one!” Maybe it’s your comic strip, Margo.

    (DT)GT: Brick House looks perfect for Conan O’Brien’s nerd voice. And the locker again. What’re they going to do next, give the kid a wedgie?

    Monty: SCOOP: Monty’s father writes Mallard Filmore! Drawing of film at 11!

  52. Other_Sally
    November 9th, 2005 at 4:27 am [Reply]

    >>Who, indeed, but a Lesbian could have any sexual interest in Wilbur?

    Does that mean that straight men are attracted to Wilbur, too?

    Cuz you know, for me personally, being a lesbian means you get to date someone with breasts, and you don’t have to worry about male-pattern baldness. Wilbur might have breasts, but oy.

  53. mooselet
    November 9th, 2005 at 6:52 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: April is a spoilt little sh*t. Tell the brat to either make her own damn sandwich or go hungry. You’d think after two kids who pulled this kind of stuff – as kids are wont to do – Elly would have known better than to give in to The Whine. And then to have the spawn hover in the background to make sure it’s made just right… I so want to smack her.

    I want a keyboard that has the planet Saturn symbol to use when I have naughty words swarming about my brain. That’d be cool.

  54. Nom du Jour
    November 9th, 2005 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Amen Mooslet.

    April is the third child, by this time even if Elly hadn’t seen the trick she would anticipate one. This does not ring true in the least.

    Send the brat to school with no food.

  55. Smitty Smedlap
    November 9th, 2005 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    The last panel is vastly improved by deleting whatever Iris is saying and instead.having her say, “Listen here, skeezix…”

  56. Marc
    November 9th, 2005 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: Hey April!

    If you go roadside you could afford to buy all the chicken wraps in Millborough, or whatever their town is called.

    FC: I don’t get it. “We had lunch a few whiles ago.” Huh? Did she take them out for ice cream? Is it a play on “aww you’re so cute I’m gonna eat you all up?” I just don’t get it. Does it have to do with that bowl in the background? I don’t think Dolly needs another lunch, or meal for that matter. Her leg is bigger than half of the lamp.

    SF: Ted, Ted, Ted, crushed ice is not the world. And if you’re wife has enough time to read consumer reports on fridges..then well…you could spend that time “driving home the point that you don’t need a new fridge.” I think Sally would enjoy it rough for a change.

    Garfield: Garfield needs to be put down. End of story.

    MW: What’s with Iris’s hand? It looks like she’s going to second with herself! Look at “Jane” and minus the big lump of hair in the back of her head. It’s a slightly altered copy of everyone’s favorite old, meddling, bitch, Mary! Moy and Giella are getting lazy…

  57. leathermessiah
    November 9th, 2005 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    Dear Self,
    Do not – I repeat – DO NOT read The Comics Curmudgeon in the library. I know it’s a wonderful way to procrastinate, but you invitably start laughing, and then have to stifle yourself so as not to disturb the people sitting nearby, and end up sounding like an epileptic walrus. You really should have learned this by now.

    Sincerely,
    You

  58. Leo
    November 9th, 2005 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    Oh, no. No no no no. I’m at work. I had to bite my tongue to not laugh. It wasn’t doing the trick so I had to look out the window. I still almost lost it so I had to look at my bland, soul-less and miserable coworkers. That did the trick.

  59. Leo
    November 9th, 2005 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    UPDATE: Almost lost it again at the “epileptic walrus” in the above comment. Hoo-boy.

    Maybe I should do some work?

    Nah. I’ll go play nethack or something.

  60. Other_Sally
    November 10th, 2005 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    Actually, my reaction to FBOFW was: Oh good god Elly, all Aril wants is a sandwich. Home lunches get boring eventually, and she asking this as a one-off thing! Give her the damn 3 bucks!

  61. Mibbitmaker
    November 10th, 2005 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    #57: The “epileptic walrus”… that’s a good name for a band. From the ’60s.

    Goo goo goo joob!

  62. Firegoat
    November 10th, 2005 at 6:31 am [Reply]

    If you change Iris’s hair…. she IS rita.

  63. Marc
    November 10th, 2005 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Three bucks? My neighbor who is in high school told me that the lunch is three bucks if you don’t get a drink. Plus, they give small portions supposedly, so I’m guessing he’ll need another dollar or so to fill up his big adolescent stomach. It all ends up to five bucks im guessing..?

  64. Nom du Jour
    November 10th, 2005 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    It all ends up to five bucks im guessing..?

    Which is $8 bucks us. Man, no wonder April is starting to get a middle age spread. Slow down on the food girl.

  65. Other_Sally
    November 10th, 2005 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    I dunno, school lunch was $1.50 when I was in middle school, and $2.00 when I was in high school. And that was in a rich district.

    It’s now been 5 years, but surely it’s not $5 bucks?

    Ok, I just looked it up, and full price school lunches are usually between $1.70 and $2.10.

    http://www.pwcs.edu/menus/HighSchoolLunch.pdf

    http://mcs.k12.in.us/mpec/lunchprices.htm

  66. leathermessiah
    November 10th, 2005 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    Coming Soon To Milford High: Hip new band “Epileptic Walrus” plays classic hits from the 50′s! Of course, this shouldn’t be a problem, since Milford seems to be stuck in that decade anyway.

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