God KICKS ASS
Family Circus, 12/18/05
There’s all sorts of interesting things to say theologically about Sunday’s Family Circus, like about how different manifestations of God fulfill different needs within the human soul, or how monotheistic religions gradually develop an array of more accessible intercessor figures, and blah blah blah. Mostly what I want to point out about this comic is HOLY CRAP GOD’S THRONE IS FRICKIN’ SWEET. Seriously, I want one of those in my house in front of the TV. Though it doesn’t look all that comfortable, seeing as He appears to not be sitting on His Throne so much as standing in His Celestial Witness Box. But still, it’s pimped out. I could do with the mobs of pygmy-sized seraphim singing my praises, too, while I just lean back with my palms extended soaking it all up.
Several people wrote to me claiming that the blinged-out golden G at the top of this piece of omnipotent furniture indicates that God Almighty is a Green Bay Packers fan. Bite your tongue! Green Bay may be one of the oldest teams in the NFL, but God, and presumably His Throne, have existed since before time began, so a certain midwestern football team should just consider itself lucky that it hasn’t heard from the divine legal department regarding trademark infringement. However, the fact that this particular initial adorns the Heavenly Chair confirms what we here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. have known for years, which is that God speaks English.
Note that God’s radiance is very similar to Margo’s. The theological implications of that are frankly way too disturbing for me to dwell on.
Robert Canipe, PhD
December 19th, 2005 at 9:59 pm
First.
Marc
December 19th, 2005 at 9:59 pm
FIRST!
Marc
December 19th, 2005 at 9:59 pm
damn!
Robert Canipe, PhD
December 19th, 2005 at 10:00 pm
What is the little kid asking Jesus for? That hand movement is certainly suspicious. Could he be asking for…NAW!
Marc
December 19th, 2005 at 10:10 pm
Hmm, why does baby jesus look like PJ? I mean, no one ages, because Grandma Keane would have been dead since the ‘60, and Billy would be be a 50something. ANYWAY…PJ and baby Jesus could be the same age theoretically, because in this strip nobody ages, and I’m sure Thel could set up a play date for PJ to go to Bethlehem. Another hellian she ditched. 1 down 3 to go. Dolly’s next.
Dash Riprock
December 19th, 2005 at 10:25 pm
Doesn’t it sort of look like Big G is either lying in a treasure chest or a coffin of some kind? That thing with the big “G” on it looks an awfully lot like a lid … maybe it’s supposed to be the counterpart of the manger-thingie in the next panel.
And I think P.J. is asking for a lucky roll of the dice …
Sheila
December 19th, 2005 at 10:28 pm
First frame: Li’l Jeffy is obviously crapping his pants. Second frame: Baby Jesus resembles a doll that wets. Third frame: Mommy Thel is there with a cloth to wipe up the mess. ICK.
RBF-at-home
December 19th, 2005 at 10:38 pm
I think Josh says it all, “God kicks ass”
yikes
who else besides me hates kids?
randomdude
December 19th, 2005 at 11:05 pm
Margo is God?
Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
December 19th, 2005 at 11:36 pm
Are those fart lines? Does God fart? And if so, does it stink?
I couldn’t find any reference to this in Reinhold Niebuhr.
Fred P.
December 19th, 2005 at 11:37 pm
Note that baby Jesus himself doesn’t radiate the glowing lines denoting otherworldly splendour, as does Lord God Almighty in Panel I. Indeed, the halo seems more possessed of divine grace than the putative Son of God. Thus another iconoclastic thunderbolt from that atheist, that anti-nicene, that Bil Keane! homousios, indeed! Pfui!
Although if you were to ask me, definitely Jeffy’s praying that the bizarre and somewhat disconcerting wreath floating outside the window would just GO AWAY.
muskrat
December 19th, 2005 at 11:45 pm
I dunno what Jeffy’s praying so expressively for, but Baby Jee’s got to be goin’, “Go Jeffy! Work those prayerin’ claws! …and, call me Randy.”
Zeno
December 20th, 2005 at 12:17 am
Yeah, Baby Jesus ought to rate some radiance, too. Shame on Family Circus for leaving that out! I remember my art history prof in college showing us slides of Renaissance art and pointing out an “Adoration of the Magi” in which Baby Jesus was obviously the light source. The prof explained to us her theory that the magi looked awestruck mostly because they had never seen a glow-in-the-dark baby before.
mumbles
December 20th, 2005 at 1:07 am
FOOB: If Elizabeth tells Mr. Wright “something suddenly came up”, may April hit her in the nose with a Canadian football.
Lor
December 20th, 2005 at 1:17 am
What’s with the toilet plunger next to Satchel’s bed today? Is it his Festivus Pole?
If it was next to Bucky’s bed, I could understand it.
lilybdcsa
December 20th, 2005 at 1:37 am
Obviously, Bucky had planned to do something sinister to Satchel with the plunger. Poor Satchel. I shudder to think what it could be.
And I’ll bet dollars to donuts the long distance call to Liz is from Anthony. I hope she mights the “Wright” decision.
George Washington
December 20th, 2005 at 3:17 am
Conspiracy time. Bil Kene put the “G” there because he could be a freemason. http://www.child-id.org/images/Square3.jpg
walt
December 20th, 2005 at 4:19 am
I think it is now abundantly clear that Gawd is not a Packers fan.
yellojkt
December 20th, 2005 at 5:46 am
If God is all-powerful, couldn’t he get a better trim on that awful walrus mustache?
summervillain
December 20th, 2005 at 6:06 am
I think the real question is, just how did Gucci get the contract for designing God’s throne, anyway?
Frank Drackman
December 20th, 2005 at 6:37 am
Jeffys wearin those gay legwarmers again…and in Church. Thel looks like she’d have a smokin bod under those frumpy housewife duds.
mooselet
December 20th, 2005 at 6:43 am
Are you sure it was Gucci and not the crew from ‘Pimp My Ride’ that tricked out the Big Man’s throne?
Baby JHC need to grow up before he gets the same radiance lines as his old man – now it’s just the halo, but those lines will move down as he gets older.
Endoplasmic Reticulumn
December 20th, 2005 at 7:20 am
“God kicks ass” has always been one of my favorite bible verses…..probably second only to
“Let the Holy Spirit be your home boy”.
Archivalist
December 20th, 2005 at 8:50 am
Seeing the throne made me think this was “Da Almighty G Show.”
Hey, Walt — maybe G’s just making us Pack fans go through this whole Job or wandering in the wilderness bs that He just loved to do back in the day. Seeing how badly Favre plays these days makes me long for the Scott Hunter years…
And did Dick Cheney build his Tower of Darkness right next to the Keane abode? How else to explain the seemingly hovering wreath with the bow pointing toward Jeffy’s bedroom? Maybe it’s a new Homeland Security spying, er, I mean freedom-enhancing device.
Anonymous Coward
December 20th, 2005 at 8:59 am
#10: Does God fart? And if so, does it stink?
Could God fart so bad even He could not stand the smell?
Jewish Guy
December 20th, 2005 at 9:17 am
This thread is bringing to mind an old art history question I came up with in college –
When a saint is beheaded, does the halo float over the body, roll with the head or fall to the ground for anyone to play frisbee with?
If it rolls with the head, does it interfere with the motion and make it roll like a football?
Seriously, I have pondered this for 18 years, married a catholic art historian and still have no answer!
Smitty Smedlap
December 20th, 2005 at 9:20 am
Who the hell hangs their outdoor wreaths so that the ribbons face inside?
It’s nice of Jeffy to demonstrate the “reach-around” technique for baby Jesus, though. WWJD?
Concerned Citizen
December 20th, 2005 at 9:23 am
Thelma has a nice rack for a woman that has been nursing a baby for decades.
BBK
December 20th, 2005 at 9:25 am
From 1 Kings 10:18-20:
Where the hell are the lions?
Jewish Guy
December 20th, 2005 at 9:25 am
Ok, I think I have the progression thing figured out here – One must treat this strip as if it is the movie Memento or that Seinfeld episode that was filmed backward…
Tha baby grows into the old and revered Packers fan, the crib (made by Jennifer Convertibles) turns from a crib, into a throne, then finally into a coffin if need be…
The stuff around the crib that may look like grass or sand particles are really ameobic angels practicing for marching band as evidenced in the first panel.
And the baby has been given a frisbee to play with from some poor beheaded saint…
Am I close? Do I win a prize?
gershwin
December 20th, 2005 at 9:25 am
Just imagine what Satan’s throne must be like. Of course, Safeway and Superman may sue…
Dennis Jimenez
December 20th, 2005 at 9:30 am
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic satanist who sold his soul to santa?
Garrison Keeller
Hysterical Woman
December 20th, 2005 at 9:47 am
Despite Jeffy’s ferevent prayers, he’ll still have to wear that straight-jacket to bed. No defouling yourself tonight, boy!
niccomm
December 20th, 2005 at 9:53 am
God has a nice haircut. I guess he’s done with the flowing mane of hair that I remember from picture books when I was a kid. That look is so last eon. I wonder where he gets it done?
kevin
December 20th, 2005 at 10:00 am
God doesn’t necessarily speak English from the “G” — he could speak, e.g., German.
Beasley
December 20th, 2005 at 10:20 am
Looks like Jeffy hasn’t quite figured out exactly how to properly masterbate. Yet.
Gepetto
December 20th, 2005 at 10:43 am
The first panel doesn’t say that God is a Packers fan, but that Jeffy imagines God is a Packers fan. (Also, doesn’t the Baby Jesus look an awful lot like P.J.?) Still, I’m not sure if I’m amused or frightened by the idea of the Almighty with a cheese hat.
Phinneaus J. Whoopigoldberg
December 20th, 2005 at 10:49 am
it’s also easier to confess ya sins to baby jesus cause he’s never ‘eard of the word — “bestiality.”
Chawunky
December 20th, 2005 at 11:07 am
#26: If you’ve ever seen the movie TRON, you’ll notice that when someone is “de-rezzed”, a series of stacked disks of energy that fly rapidly upward with a chittering electronic sound effect are part of the process. I think the halo might do something similar (complete with the electronic sound effect, which would rock).
I like the idea of amoebic angels too, gotta say.
ianx
December 20th, 2005 at 11:27 am
No matter how far I like to believe I am from my junior high days as a huge, huge nerd, I didn’t see “Green Bay Packers” in God’s “G.”
I saw Galactus, who, even though he was an incomprehensible cosmic being from time immemorial, wore a big, honkin’ “G” on his giant purple spacesuit. And was defeated by the Fantastic Four, through cunning use of the Ultimate Nullifier…they…um…
Yup. Huge, huge nerd. Is it too late to change my vote to “God’s a huge FIDDY fan? G-G-G UNIT!”
Sourbelly
December 20th, 2005 at 11:52 am
Today’s (Tuesday’s) FC makes no sense. Santa’s going to be late delivering presents because he has to go through security checks…at airports? Since when does Santa bother with airports? Kids are so stupid.
srah
December 20th, 2005 at 12:17 pm
#32: I didn’t realize at first that you were attributing the joke to GK… I thought he was the punchline.
King Folderol
December 20th, 2005 at 12:58 pm
Personally, I prefer praying to the God from Exodus 20:5: “Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
I’m a mighty big fan of the VENGEFUL God. Not only do I want to crap my pants thinking about eternal damnation, but I want my unborn great-great-grandchildren to quake in fear as well.
Bitter Scribe
December 20th, 2005 at 2:05 pm
If God is a Packers fan, can He get Favre to quit trying to force the ball into double and triple coverage?
Ianscot
December 20th, 2005 at 2:28 pm
#41 — Beautiful evocation of toddler thinking, wasn’t it? Bil Keane just has an eye for those lovable, crazy elementary school kids. Kids are so SO uptight about security friskings at the airport.
Tomorrow’s strip is about how Dolly can’t open her rheumatoid arthritis medication. It’s so true!
dave
December 20th, 2005 at 3:23 pm
so…only white people go to heaven? Seems like a Bil Keane fantasy sequence…
Frank Drackman
December 20th, 2005 at 11:04 pm
As a graduate of Auburn I hate to admit it..but that “G” came off a University of Georgia helmet.
Who Auburn beat this year 31-30 by the way.
Mary Brandt
December 20th, 2005 at 11:57 pm
As to Fred P. in post #11…that wreath is giving me the heebie jeebies. Maybe it’s there to watch little Jeffy boy and make sure he prays every night. Like some kind of obsessive, stalker-like obsession, a la Kathy Bates in Misery. “I feed you, I clean you, I dress you, and what thanks do I get? ‘Oh, that’s not the right God for me, I need a different one to pray to. Well, I’ll get your stupid God!”, or my personal favorite, “Jesus is alive! JESUS IS ALIVE! Oh, this whole house is going to be full of romance! Ooooohhhh, I’m gonna put on my Liberace records!”.
Possibly worse idea: the wreath acting as the role of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest. “You call this a prayer? This…this is not good enough! Do it again, and do it right this time!”.
…I’m getting a little frightened about this wreath, here. Make no jokes about the wrath of the wreath.
-MB
Mary Brandt
December 21st, 2005 at 12:00 am
Gwawr. I meant “possesive, stalker-like obsession”, An obsessive obsession…nice.
-MB
2fs
December 21st, 2005 at 1:35 am
Dennis Jimenez done sed: “Did you hear the one about the dyslexic satanist who sold his soul to santa?”
My preferred version is the Onion-like headline: “Co-worker inadvertently earns eternal damnation after efforts of dyslexic ‘Secret Santa’ succeed all too well”
Mibbitmaker
December 21st, 2005 at 8:00 am
Well, God and Margo do have something in common besides radiating lines: they’ll have only the best!
Could it be–? Jeffy giving gang signs to Jesus?? And what’s with the weird gestures for baby Jesus, but prayer hands and eyes when talking to his mother? Bil Keane, a matriarcal feminist?
And the “G”? For the answer to that, we have to go back to the mid-’70s….
“I’m Fred G. Sanford, and the “G” stands for “God”.”
Johnny Hart
December 21st, 2005 at 1:38 pm
Phooey. I’m still a LOT Jesus-y-er than Bil Keane.
Puckster1
December 22nd, 2005 at 8:17 am
God DOES Kick Ass, doesn’t he? And J.C. is my homeboy! PEOPLE – BEWARE OF THE WREATHS! ALL WREATHS!!! They are the eyes of some alien life-form, and they’re ALL SPYING ON US!!! (And you thought you only had to worry about Santa knowing if you’ve been “naughty or nice”)! I am praying that my brother-in-law doesn’t see this strip: He’s a huge “cheese head” and doesn’t need to see that God himself may be cheering the Pack on! Yikes!
Johnny Hart
December 24th, 2005 at 12:56 pm
Wiley’s Dictionary says:
YULETIDE == The Tsunami of the Christ.
That’s right. The TSUNAMI that will wash away all you non-believers and heathens! REPENT!
Johnny Hart
December 24th, 2005 at 12:58 pm
p.s. Take THAT, Bil Keane! I’ll always be more Jesus-y than you!
The Porridge Bird
February 26th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
A Joke My Brother Always Tells:
Some time in the future, Brett Favre and Tom Brady die. Tom has to wait while St. Peter whisks Brett away to a fantastic estate just like a plantation he admired back in Mississippi. The address is #4, same as his jersey number; the mansion is painted green and gold; the property includes an exact replica of Lambeau field. Brett Favre is amazed. But then he turns and looks at the house next door: painted red, white, and blue, “Go Pats!” signs everywhere, and easily twice as large if not larger. Brett asks, “Why does Tom get the bigger house?” And St. Peter says, “Oh, that’s not Tom’s. That’s God’s.”
Carter
July 18th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
So did Greenbay take that ‘G’ from the University of Georgia? As an Athenian, I just have to know.
Anonymous Young Person
May 14th, 2009 at 8:12 am
… Hmm.
Being Christian isn’t all that common in my school anymore, since everyone is either Atheist or Wicken… (did I spell that right?)
It really ticks me off when my friends say “God isn’t real” or, “I pray to imaginary God”, but I know that’s just how they think.
Although, perhaps you can’t count me as a full Christian either, I do happen to believe in the theory of evolution (if God made earth, he can make things evolve, go figure), and believe that God still loves you, even if you are gay. (a lot of my friends are bisexual, and I participate in the Day of Silence for their sake)
I am perhaps, a perverted person. If you were to ask me what I was thinking of at any given moment I would probably say “sexual situations for fictional characters,” which obviously doesn’t sound all that Christian. I am an artist, I strive to draw better, and if you can think it, eventually, you can draw it.
I don’t understand all the divisions that Christianity has, I suppose I could go to any such church in the country, and not be bothered by it. (i.e: Lutheran, Catholic, Baptist, etc.) On the whole, I suppose I simply believe in the general idea of Christianity.
You will find a lot of people older than I that think this way, however I know of only one person my age who thinks the most like I do on the subject, the other two people I know are VERY religious, correcting me by saying “gosh” after I say “oh my God.” They also pray before eating, which at a lunch table isn’t the greatest experience.
And I have no idea if this holds any sort of significance as to what I’m talking about, but before the election that took place this November, when we voted Obama president of the United States, I knew of only one person who spoke outwardly on his belief that John McCain should win. He was often teased for it, as most of the rest of us had wanted Obama to win, and apparently this reflected in the minds of U.S. citizens who are old enough to vote, and thus our current President.
Have I not specified my age yet? I’m sorry for not doing so, I promise to mention it in this paragraph. Now, as I was saying, eighth graders are a lot smarter than you think. We are capable of making decisions for ourselves, whether that decision be changing your religion from that of your parents’ or be it realizing that you are actually gay or bisexual. Both of these notions are either kept secret from the parents of my friends, (as in the case of my friend L) or recieved with shock. (my friend K chose to tell her mother she was not Christian anymore while driving, not a good thing)
And even if you tell your parents, some things are witheld from you. For example, I feel sorry for my friends N and K, as they are both Wicken, however are not allowed candles. From what I’ve gathered about Wicken, (and I don’t know that much,) candles are a necessary part of the religion. Even if their parents’ excuse is that they don’t want the house on fire, it is not as if we are children any longer. We know better than to be stupid enough when using a candle to light the house on fire in some way or another, and we have our own decisions in life, even if our parents do not agree with us.
I suppose what I want you to take from this is do not hinder your child. If he or she was honest enough to tell you that they have had a change of religion, or a change of sexuality, then you should be proud of them. Its a very brave thing to stand up and express your ideas to your parents if you know they are going to disapprove. Do not shun them for how they think, I don’t shun my friends just because they don’t believe in the same things as I do or that they are not heterosexual, so you shouldn’t shun your children for the same reasons.
I do hope you have taken time to think over what I’ve said. It does feel strange though, commenting like this on such a carefree page. I do not expect any replies, so please don’t. All I want is for you to understand that the life of an adolescent is a lot harder than you think, and to be more open-minded about the things that people confess to you.
Anthony
May 26th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
That’s not a throne — it’s a pulpit. I just felt I ought to point that out.