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Portrait of an addict

Mary Worth, 3/8/10

When I was a kid, some Buffalo Bills star or other had been suspended for failing a drug test, and I remember having a conversation with my father (who was then the director of an alcoholism clinic) about why someone would endanger their very lucrative career for an occasional high. He explained, in a formulation that has always stuck with me, the addict’s trajectory: first using drugs makes you feel good, then you need drugs to feel good, then you need drugs to not feel bad.

This statement really jumped into my mind today when watching the suddenly diminished Clan Weston hash out the aftermath of Kurt’s duplicity over yet another sandwich-based meal. These white-bread-and-baloney-and-mayonnaise sandwiches ought to be a comfort to Wilbur and Dawn in these trying days; but Wilbur is just shoving his in the general direction of his mouth without even giving it a glance, let alone pausing to savor the subtle interplay of flavors. He’s like a junkie in some abandoned rowhouse, shooting up because of his raw need and long ago forgetting the transcendent high that got him hooked in the first place, and his sandwich requirements have just become a semi-conscious undercurrent in his life now. He probably doesn’t even realize that he’s got a second sandwich all queued up on this dinner plate ready to go once the current one has been devoured. Did he even bother to put condiments on that one?

The really sad part of this scene is Dawn, who’s only of college age, and yet seems equally blasé about sandwich use. She appears to be using her sandwich as a prop for gesticulation, just waving it around for a bit until she’s ready to cram it down her gullet with as little chewing as possible. She learned it from watching you, Dad. She learned it from watching you.

Family Circus, 3/8/10

Many victims of repeated trauma eventually form a sort of bond with their oppressors; in hostage situations, this is called Stockholm Syndrome. Thus, after repeated exposure to Jeffy’s naked ass, I seem to have become inured to disgust and indeed experienced brief amusement at today’s Family Circus panel. Most experts agree that a swift and merciful death would be for the best.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 8, 2010 at 03:14 pm and is filed under Family Circus, Mary Worth. |

137 responses to “Portrait of an addict”

  1. Sans Sense
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    FC: Thel, just calmly take out that club from behind your back and brain him. Please.

  2. Patrick
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur and Dawn probably tell themselves that they maintain a certain sense of dignity by cutting the crusts off their Wonder Bread sandwiches. Unfortunately, since the contents of those sandwiches looks to be Marshmallow Fluff and nothing else, their delusions of grandeur are not long-lasting, even to them.

  3. Digger
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur looks very upset in panel one, as if he’s thinking “damn, this sandwich needs some mustard. What the hell’s Dawn talking about? Oh, who cares. Now do I have any mustard in the fridge?”

  4. Baka Gaijin
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Dawn, I know Ted Forth. You are no Ted Forth. Leave the wrist-robatics to the professionals.

    Luann: Top story on tonight’s 6 o’clock news: Local WalMart goes “FLOOOOOOM!”

  5. zenvelo
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    I can only assume Bill Keane has resumed drawing, because Thel’s figure is more natural, curvy and real, and not the Vargas-like nymph of Jef’s Oedipal fantasies.

  6. Darkefang
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    After being raised by Wilbur, Dawn’s probably unaware of any kind of food that isn’t slapped between two pieces of bread.

  7. Ed Dravecky
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    Paging the Didactic Duo!

    Brenda Starr: The “key to happines” may be oxygen but the key to happiness is learning how to spell words correctly.

    Pluggers: You’re a plugger if you just look at the back of your “calender” and pretend to understand how time works while admiring the pretty pictures of lighthouses.

  8. LaziestManOnMars
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    I’ve presented myself to girlfriends in a similar manner as Jeffy, with the exact same logic. I hope Jeffy’s not asking for what I was.

  9. 150
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    What I like about today’s Family Circus is that Jeffy is answering a question, implying that at some point, Thel looked up from doing the dishes, spotted her progeny wandering around the kitchen, and asked (in a resigned sigh), “Jeffy, why are you naked?” Of course, to make the punchline work, it should have been “Jeffy, why are you wearing your birthday suit?” but this is Family Circus we’re talking about, and besides, Thel looks to tired to deal with outdated idioms.

  10. Steve S
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    In panel 1, Dawn’s hand is sneaking toward Wilbur’s sandwich. In panel 2, she makes her move! Oh, it’s survival of the lamest at the Weston dinner table.

  11. Ed Dravecky
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    June Morgan, P.I.: That sweater-clad wax figure of Rex Morgan is strikingly realistic as it sits mute and immobile, expressing no emotions.

    Beetle Bailey: Did you know that an anagram of “Sgt. Orville Snorkel” is “love strong killers”? It’s not relevant to today’s feat of walking on water but it does make you wonder if, perhaps, I have too much free time about the nature of reality.

    Ziggy: Gasp! Ziggy’s got pants! It’s almost enough to forgive him for the 14-month old vague reference to a “bailout”. Almost.

  12. bman
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur’s so deep in thought, he’s forgotten how to eat a sandwich. Dawn is trying to help him with hand gestures: “Lift it… that’s it, now bring it toward your mouth… no, that’s your nose! Lower! Lower!”

  13. Calico
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    At 2:00 – battle of the Super-heroes!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=0663F5654A7B6C91

  14. efd
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Dawn seems to have a magical, self-regenerating sandwich. Her sandwich in panel two is clearly twice the size as it was in panel one.

    [Long time/first time, love the show.]

  15. Brian
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    By panel two, Wilbur has gone to two-fisted eating (was eating with the left in Panel 1; now has another delicious sandwich in right hand in Panel 2). YOU CAN’T SWALLOW THE PAIN, WILBUR.

  16. MattF
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    That is quite a gesture that Dawn is making there– is it just my imagination or does it look like there’s a… oh, well.

  17. Anonymous
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#7): Ed Dravecky, thanks for calling these atrocities to our attention. I don’t expect any better from Pluggers, but Brenda??? In a storyline that’s all about how journalism is going to hell? It’s a sad day for the fourth estate.

  18. Vic
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    What’s up with Dawn’s hand in panel two? It looks like she might have dislocated a few fingers while gesticulating.

  19. Krazy Kat
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Nevermind that Wilbur slaves over an advice column, dispensing witty bon mots and pearls of common sense wisdom to an eager reading public. Do we know him as Wilbur Weston, Sage Adviser? No, no we don’t.

    But go on ONE epic devil-may-care sandwich binge…

  20. bats :[
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    No, Josh! That which does NOT kill us makes us stronger.
    Uh, yeah.

  21. Roto13
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Wow, it’s too bad there’s no middle panel in today’s Mary Worth. It looks like Dawn is offering to let Wilbur break her finger as some kind of bizarre method of stress release in the first panel, and he has already taken advantage of it in the second. Hell, even a Beetle Bailey style onomatapoeic “SNAP” in between the two panels would have been more satisfying than this. I guess this is another example of Mary Worth going out of its way to avoid showing the potentially interesting parts. God knows there’s been enough of that this storyline.

  22. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    I am totally aroused now.

    By the sandwiches.

    You perverts.

  23. Shawn S.
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Jeffy presenting himself naked to his mother…”cause it’s his Birthday”…hell, this makes Oedipus pale in comparison.

  24. seismic-2
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Shawn S. (#23): The really creepy thing is that Jeffy was still doing this when he turned 35.

  25. wossname
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Oops, #17 was me. At an unfamiliar computer. Where I haven’t read Brenda because I don’t have my “gocomics without the fuss” bookmark.

  26. Comcis Fan
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    The calamitiesofnature.com ad on Comics Curmudgeon today is funny, possibly funnier than anything on a newspaper comics page today.

  27. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: At first, I assumed the titular addiction in Josh’s post referred to an addiction to Mary Worth. Initially, the story makes you feel good as you contemplate the possibilities. Over time, you need increasing doses of unreality to escape the growing realization that the banally obvious plotting really is all there is to the story. And by the end you take your daily hit, knowing that the rush is gone, just because you are habituated to following the story to its utterly predictable conclusion.

    Can it be a coincidence that this now-winding-down storyline follows the same processes as the “Scott is shot!” plot – WHICH INVOLVED HEROIN DEALERS!? Set up a story arc that is predictable from the first panel of the first strip. Hammer home the foreshadowing in strip after repetitive strip until the audience convinces themselves that it can’t be this linear, there has to be a twist somewhere. Then, finally, deliver exactly the denouement that was ham sandwich-handedly laid out at the start. Marinade for two more weeks, and on to the next story.

  28. Perky Bird
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Be careful with your addictions, Wilbur. Sandwiches are comforting, but they’re a just a “gateway” food. Soon, you’ll begin experimenting with wraps, then pita pockets and gyros. I only pray you’ll seek help before you find yourself drawn helplessly into the dark underworld of panninis.

  29. I am Jack's username
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Jeffy, your mother never gave birth to you. She slaughtered a goat and summoned you up inside a pentacle.

  30. I am Jack\'s username
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#11): I wish Rex Morgan were mute… although we’d still have to deal with panels of inane, non-sequitur thought bubbles…

  31. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    Maybe it’s only in my mind but I’d like to believe that Jeffy believes that today is his bar mitzvah and is standing in front of Thel with an erection. I half expect his next sentence, while casually moving closer to her, to be “Today, I am a man.”

  32. Black Drazon
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    Did Dawn just do “you go girl” gesture? Like, to her dad? “You scared off the love of your life and left her to the especially trying life of a single mother in the… uh… 60’s? 70’s? God dammit, the passage of time in this strip is so hard to… eh, whatever. Go dad! I guess.”

    Speaking of the passage of time, Jeffy has made the mistake of reminding his overlords that today is the day he needs to be buried in the backyard and replaced with a new redheaded spudchild so that nothing will ever change for another 50 years… never change… never change.

  33. cj
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    Worth:

    Panel One: Wilbur looks perturbed. After years of training, Dawn has finally harnessed the Force, and what does she do with it? – use it to fling crumbs at her master. Also of note, the only time Dawn has ever looked “college age”.
    Panel Two: Dawn displays the demonic yellow eyes of a Sith. She’ll join her new master, Darth Meddle, soon. Together they will subvert all good advice in Santa Royale!

  34. PeteMoss
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    MW -
    Wilbur: Just looking at this sandwich makes me think of all of the different sandwiches Kurt and I made before we went fishing, or after we went frolicking…Did you know Kurt prefers whole grain bread with the crusts and he likes mustard better than mayonaise? I guess that should have tipped me off that he wasn’t really my offspring. Mfllmmmm.

    Dawn: Daddy, here’s one you taught me – pull my finger! Quick!

  35. PeteMoss
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    MW -
    Wilbur: Just looking at this sandwich makes me think of all of the different sandwiches Kurt and I made before we went fishing, or after we went frolicking…Did you know Kurt prefers whole grain bread with the crusts and he likes mustard over mayonaise? I guess that should have tipped me off that he wasn’t really my offspring. Mfllmmmm.

    Dawn: Daddy, here’s one you taught me – pull my finger! Quick!

  36. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    FC: Actually, I can see a scenario where Jeffy says he wants to walk around naked 24/7/365. Thel says no way. Jeffy says OK, how bout just in the summer months. Thel is unyielding. He continues the harangue. She eventually starts feeling a bit of pity so she says, OK, you pick just one day and I’ll allow it. Naturally he can’t think of a better treat so he chooses the date of his birth. With her days a blur due to the copious amounts of industrial grade tranquilizers needed to get her through an existence composed chiefly of developmentally arrested kids, a dimwit husband and the occasional visiting ghost, Thel forgets it’s Jeffy’s birthday. Et voila.

  37. cj
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#31): Jeffy will never be a man until he escapes the Keane Kompound by way of tranq dart during the FBI raid.

  38. kkarenb
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    White bread and baloney. That sums up this entire story arc.

  39. Thomas B.
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    MW

    I’m sure I’ve seen this same scene not on “The Wire” but rather “Animal Kingdom.” Dawn taking the posture an animal takes to defend it’s kill while she holds her prize at the greatest distance from an ever encroaching Wilbur. Roar.

  40. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    JUST SAY NO! TO WHTE BREAD BALONEY SANDWICHES!!
    NO! NO! NO! NO!
    well, maybe

  41. mustang
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    FC – What in the…??? Am I the only one who sees unspeakable perversion in this? What was Jeffy doing “because it’s his birthday?” Mommy’s stunned disbelief could not have been caused by her own child’s nudity.

  42. tb4000
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dawn is a ghetto ass bitch with that hand move. She handle hers, dawg. She handle hers.

  43. Ed Dravecky
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    Jeffy’s not showing off his nudity for it’s own sake; he’s showing Thel the awesome tattoo he just got from neck to knees depicting his escape plan from Fox River the Keane Compound.

  44. Buck Ripsnort
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    Thel’s Thoughts
    Didn’t I have him circumsized?
    Wait, if that’s Jeffy — DAMMIT, I put the chicken in the oven AGAIN!
    Huh, surprisingly warm for March.

  45. UncleJeff
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: Hee hee hee, Daddy! I knew about that little scammer for weeks! Heh heh heh, his mother was a WHORE! I don’t know what you ever saw in her, or him! Ho ho ho, Helen (hic) Clark has got it more together than you! Oh Wilbur, you can’t even make a decent sandwich. Ha ha ha!

    OBTW, I flipped from Bats:)’ latest masterpiece of Big Bare Daddy Keane back to the main page and got a fortune cookie add that suspiciously looked…well, I might have asscrack on the mind for some reason. No, Dingo. No need to contact me.

  46. AhClem
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#31):
    “Today may be your Bar Mitzvah, but I see you’ve never had a proper B’ris. Here, let me get the paring knife…”

  47. mary_worthless
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @ #20 bats – and so we have the backstory on “how we got PJ”, huh?

  48. Charlene
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    Apparently Jeffy’s pants really are on the ground.

  49. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#43): I’m picturing something with swing sets, toys in the yard, and a strategically placed dotted line (you don’t want to know where the “X” is).

  50. Jamus The Bartender
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    Luann:Wow. Luann is starring in West Side Story as Maria, alongside her boyfriend Quill, starring as Tony; Gunther is starring as no-one but is making the costumes, and lusts after Luann while she keeps him backstage in more ways than one. Meanwhile, on the home front, Nancy DeGroot is making plans to buy a nice new dress from Wal-Mart for the show, along with Toni Daytona, danger junkie, who is simply NOT good enough for her widdle boy. I can’t wait until opening night. This is gonna be the best spring musical EVER!

  51. Hibbleton
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    FC: Thel looks upon his nakedness and unleashes a vicious towel-snap to his winkie. He’d grown past the age where a simple dropkick could send him hurdling into the next room.

  52. Pharmacistrix
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    I can’t handle it any longer. Everyone in Zits: PLEASE STAND UP STRAIGHT!

  53. thebaronette
    March 8th, 2010 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    wilbur looks a little stunned in the first panel. my best guess is that yet another infraction of classical physics has occured within the mary worth universe and he is now holding a different sandwich than he was a moment ago. he seems to have shrugged it off by the second panel and is now comfortably back in sandwich mode.

  54. Jamus The Bartender
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Slylock Fox” Give ME the banana, you f*cking c*cksucker…”

  55. Jamus The Bartender
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus: Keane 3:16, “Jeffy was naked and not ashamed…”

  56. Toots McMorgan
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    FC: An’ now ye gonta see a wee bit ‘o wee.

  57. seismic-2
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    FC: “Let’s go make a pencil mark on the kitchen door sill to see how much I’ve grown!”

  58. Baka Gaijin
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#51): “…vicious towel-snap to his winkie.” She must have been practicing to hit a target that small. Uh, oh, maybe that shortcoming runs in the family and Thel has been…ohoooooohhhhhhh…

  59. Baka Gaijin
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth, second look: Dawn’s hand, is it on upside down? That’s the only way I can see for that anatomical geometry to work. Maybe she’s been doing Ted Forth wrist exercises to get that kind of flexibility.

  60. quirk
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    Hey, it’s Jeffy’s birthday, and if he wants a special “bath” from Mommy Keane then he’s going to get it. She must be familiar with this particular birthday wish, as this time she’s prepared, her left hand presumably having a death grip on her bottle of mace.

  61. Hibbleton
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#59):

    It’s actually a reflex/panic move. You know how people joke around by saying “don’t get your hands to close to my mouth when I’m eating. You may lose a finger . . .” With Wilbur it’s not a joke.

  62. Baka Gaijin
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#61): Oh. I thought that only happened in Pluggers. You learn something new every day.

  63. Toots McMorgan
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#62): Ya know ye a Plooger when ye read Mary Worth fer advise.

  64. 150
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#38): White bread and baloney. That sums up this entire story arc.

    Are you kidding? That sums up Mary Worth.

  65. Little Guy
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#20):

    That was bad. Naughty, naughty bats:[.

  66. Baron Bizarre
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: Actually, Dawn looks like she’s trying to zap Wilbur with a hex bolt, presumably having forgotten that that only works for the Scarlet Witch.

  67. mr 12 oz can
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    irving – irving cant believe his grandmother gave him chickensoup from a can instead of homemade .hey maybe she has bingo tonight
    maryworth- something tells me this lunch goes on a couple more days . then mary is seen in her yellow dress talking to deliah on the phone

  68. AmazingThor
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    FW: Apparently in the Funkyverse the original Star Wars trilogy never happened and all they got was the lousy prequeals. For some reason that doesn’t surprise me.

    Marvin: I’m more reminded of Lost Boys…

    RMMD: So basically for all the reasons you want to destroy her, June.

  69. seismic-2
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @Baron Bizarre (#66): If she were wearing a top hat and a cape, the MW narration box would inform us: “Dawn gestures hypnotically.” Spit out that sandwich and cluck like a chicken, Wilbur! Lothar could use a good laugh.

  70. Chip
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    Lord help me, I actually guffawed at B.C. today! Just the thought of that seal holding its breath all that time under the ice. Hooo!

  71. Toots McMorgan
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    BtlBly: That Sarge lad knows where ‘is rocks be.

  72. AmazingThor
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    BB: So, Sarge is Jesus? Oh, I’m over to the dark side soooo fast.

  73. cheech wizard
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    FC – Funny, isn’t it, how kids always repeat things they hear from their parents. For his next birthday, Bil’s getting a lock for the bedroom door.

  74. cheech wizard
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    P.S. Jeffey, setting fire to your dick doesn’t mean Mommy’s going to blow it out. You’re supposed to do that, remember? Now make a wish and I bet I can guess what it is.

  75. He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus
    March 8th, 2010 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    See, people, this is why Jeffy sings Pants on the Ground.

    That does not excuse either action.

  76. Thomas B.
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    I just noticed that in addition to the “Yeah-I-knew-he-was-lying-weeks-ago” routine, Dawn is reminding her dad that Abby was pregnant BEFORE they broke it off. Damn dawn is cold.

  77. Thomas B.
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#42): I think the penciler didn’t know how to capture a neck sway and finger snap, so he just went with the classic “Puh-shaw” hand waive. I wonder if they have Saint Ides in the fridge.

  78. Braniff
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    FC: This could be the most defining moment in the half-century plus of the cartoon–Jeffy begins to hunt cougars!!!! Simon & Garfunkle and Richard Gear, eat your hearts out!!!

  79. Crankenstank
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    When I saw the title “Portrait of an Addict” in the RSS feed today, I of course immediately assumed it was Dagwood Bumstead and his sandwich problem under discussion. Come to think of it, wouldn’t most soaps be improved by focusing more on sandwiches and lasagne, while Blondie and Garfield going into rehab would be the stuff of comedy gold?

  80. Nekrotzar
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#20): I will never EVER forgive you for that.

  81. TruthOfAngels
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    “Look, Jeffy. It may very well be your birthday. But I’m not allowed to have sex with you. It’s illegal, it’s inappropriate, and it’s just plain wrong. Go ask your sister.”

  82. Mibbitmaker
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Instead of “say”, he should be uttering “twist them tighter than your ass when writhing in irrational hate for Toni!”

    RMMD: Brook just lost credibility points on that one.

    MT: The squirrel’s all excited because he thought Mark said “Ken Harris”, who once animated him (the squirrel) for Chuck Jones.

    MC: She just saw The Collector on the late movie and is in a very Samantha Egger mood!

    Phantom: The hunter becomes the hunted. Oh, THAT’s original!

    Popeye: Bad Bilge? Say, there’s another good snark name for Batiuk!

  83. Stroker Ace
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    FC – That’s not Jeffy… merely Daddy Keane’s inner child: ‘I’ll wash, you wipe’.

  84. Crankenstank
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#20): got a better caption for you. “Um, because it’s Jeffy’s birthday?”

  85. ElkMeadow
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    If Dawn didn’t wear purple, would we know who she was?

  86. ElkMeadow
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    Or is it, “would we know who she is?” And does the comma belong there after “it”?

  87. trey le parc
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    FC: I misread it as “Family Cervix”. You can only imagine my Funky Winkerbean-grade disappointment.

  88. Black Drazon
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    Satire aside, I love how the look on her face tells us that Thel just… doesn’t care. “Oh look,” she thinks, “it’s naked again.” And then she reaches for her hip flask.

  89. Mooncattie
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    MW – It’s wonderful to see the newly confident Dawn revel in her knowledge of our dramatic backstory while frolicked-out Wilbur can only sit dumbly and stuff his face with bread as if none of this had ever happened. Best of all is the gesture, as Dawn prepares to flick away any attempt at protests with the Talk to the Hand, Daddio pose she learned at ultra-hip Local University.

  90. Poteet
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    FC — I’m not a parent, but when I visited ChattyGenes in Japan, I saw rear-naked glimpses of my young nieces occasionally, and they were beautiful. Whereas little Jeffy’s squat bizarre form makes me wonder if I ever want to see anyone naked under any circumstances ever again. And Mama Keane has no chin or upper lip. Obviously the Keanes are having a bad day, and I’m glad the others aren’t shown.

  91. Sans Sense
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    Random thoughts on MW:

    Is that a turkey breast and jack with mayo? Why isn’t he drinking milk to match the theme? Why does Dawn looked so thrilled to inform her Dad that his dead lover cuckolded him? Dawn’s handwork in Panel Two needs to be followed up with a “Shazzam!” Is Wilbur Shrek?

  92. Sans Sense
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    I believe Jeffy is a troll with hair product.

  93. Poteet
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    @efd (#14): Welcome! Drop by again soon!

  94. The Ridger
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @86: Sequence of tenses asks for “who she was”, and so does the irrealis nature of the question. You could get away with “is” but it’s not really standard.

    As for the comma, that’s purely a style guide question. Chicago says “No”, for what that’s worth.

  95. Ed Dravecky
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps Dawn is trying the Jedi mind trick: “These aren’t the sandwiches you’re looking for. There’s no need to search for Kurt.” Pity it won’t work on Wilbur who lost his mind long ago and as such is immune.

  96. Muffaroo
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#184): Bottom to top? That seems like an interesting choice. How come that way?

    @efd (#14): It’s remarkable that you should make that observation about Dawn’s sandwich, because I was thinking Wilbur’s sandwich looks like some magic setup where a new sandwich appears on the plate whenever you take the old one away — sort of like the burger, shake and fries that appeared disturbingly in the vicinity of Ronald McDonald’s ample midriff in the very first TV ads where he was played by Willard Scott with a cup over his nose and food on his head. Oh yeah, welcome from me too!

    Family – “Pretty sweet, huh Mom? I had it done in Casablanca!”

  97. Joe Btfsplk
    March 8th, 2010 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    Spiderherb-Manjamaal – “Strangely dressed man?” Dude, even if you don’t know whether he was a guy in an angel costume or a real angel, you do at least know that the long white robe and wings mean “angel.” SAY IT!!

    Oh, and there’s still a fire still going on, you know, there, behind you.

  98. Baron Bizarre
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#85): I misread that as “Would she know who she was?”

    Maybe a good gag to pull on Dawn would be to replace her entire wardrobe with exact duplicates, only pea green.

  99. Danny B
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    I had to take a cold shower after the first panel of Sunday’s Prince Valiant. Wow.

  100. Heffay
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I’m thinking that maybe today’s arch-sandwichery was devised for YOUR benefit?

  101. wossname
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): COTW nominee! Not because it’s funny (although it is), but because it’s profound and true.

  102. Joe Blevins
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    MW: Wilbur’s thoughts: “What the…? Is this lunchmeat spoiled? Aw, what the hell. Gotta die sometime.” Meanwhile, he’s only vaguely aware that the Big Purple Non Sandwich Thing is saying something about love or babies or some such.

  103. Harold
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    Dawn had better be careful with those Dr. Strange hand gestures or she may accidentally banish Wilbur to some parallel dimension.

    On second thought: please continue with the Dr. Strange hand gestures, Dawn.

  104. Fashion Police
    March 8th, 2010 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    At least Miss Weston and her baloney-fisted father have the decency to wolf down their sandwiches seated at the table with plates and napkins instead of hovering over the kitchen counter. At first glance, we assumed they were real plates, at least Melmac grade, but as the napkins appear to have been stolen from the napkin dispenser at the corner diner, we are not so certain. Nor are we pleased with the lack of utensils at the place settings. One would hope to see at least the pretence of civilized dining chez Weston.

    While Miss Weston’s first attempt at post hoc meddling might be considered as success, we remain appalled at her fashion choices. The snug little vest and dangling shirt-tail says, simultaneously, “purposefully slovenly” and “affected.” If one is to advance beyond the rank of junior meddler, one must cultivate a look of effortless superiority. Without further evidence, we conclude, sadly, that to be beyond Miss Weston’s capability.

  105. Perky Bird
    March 8th, 2010 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    I think Jeffy is answering the question, “Why is there a party hat on your wee-wee?”

  106. wossname
    March 8th, 2010 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    ElkMeadow #86 – Good questions both, and I was hoping to see that Grammatica had handled them. But since she’s busy, presumably sipping bourbon somewhere, my opinion is: “was” is correct in #85 – it’s some kind of a subjunctive thingie. But “is” wouldn’t be a terrible gaffe because the whole subjunctive thing is kind of old-school. And in #86, the comma is not necessary, but it’s not wrong, either. I’m a big fan of the comma as guidepost, telling you when you can take a breath, even if it’s not strictly required.

    The only other place I can have this kind of didactic fun is at work, where we spent a while the other day debating whether it should be “Whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?” or “What ever happened to Osama bin Laden?” (The consensus was two words.)

    And now I see that The Ridger #94 is a grammar maven too, and (pretty much) agrees with my subjective analysis. We could be the Didactic Trio, except that doesn’t alliterate.

    HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! For a squirrel, you have a very good grasp of html to get that courier typeface in there. I can’t do that. But I’m not a squirrel.

  107. dull_old_man
    March 8th, 2010 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#17):

    A valuable lesson I learned when I was a fledgling editor:

    If you have deadlines, you make mistakes. [I hate making mistakes.] You hope that you make wacky mistakes that everyone knows you know better than; you really hate to make an error that someone might plausibly think was the best you could do. Happines? Wacky. Calender–not good, but someone who is old enough to write Pluggers learned how to spell it in grade school. I remember getting drilled on calendar and vegetable in the same school year.

    In one newsletter I printed that the baby Jesus lay in a manager. Thirty years later, I can hear the roars of laughter.

  108. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 8th, 2010 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#106): Ha! I did see the question, but my brain is as mushy as Wilbur’s favorite sandwich, mainly because I’ve spent the day in my professionally didactic role. And now it’s back to it… Oh, here’s a title: “Yin and Yang: Two Sides of a Coin”; could this student fit another cliche in there?

    Where’s that bourbon?

  109. Poteet
    March 8th, 2010 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    MW — Can’t we bring back Helen Clark to say these things herself? I miss her.

  110. ElkMeadow
    March 8th, 2010 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#106):

    Thank you for setting my mind at rest.

    I post at a fanfiction archive which has very strict rules; it seems that my beta is always having to mark out every other comma, change colons into semicolons (and visa versa), and point out misused verb tenses. I get a bit paranoid when I do any posting now and worry that my slips are showing.

  111. Helen Clark
    March 8th, 2010 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#109): And I suppose you’d like me to wear a goddam purple jumpsuit while I was doing it, too. Do you people think that I don’t have better things (hic) to do than worry about what popped out of some hippie tramp who managed to wrap her skinny legs around my brother? (hic)

    Don’t those goddam people ever eat anything besides sandwiches? What’s wrong with their (hic) cook?

  112. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    March 8th, 2010 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#106): HEE HEE! B. RACOON SHOWED ME SOME TRICKS!
    LIKE i NOW KNOW HOW TO SERVE MERLOT WHILE CHATTING UP THE LADIES!

  113. Jamus The Bartender
    March 8th, 2010 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @Danny B (#99): Oh…yeah. Nimue. That girl was trouble.

  114. seismic-2
    March 8th, 2010 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    @Muffaroo (#96): OK, now I just have to ask – has anyone ever seen Wilbur Weston and Willard Scott in the same room at the same time? ‘Nuff said.

  115. Rachel211
    March 8th, 2010 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    “…she found out she was pregnant with his baby! SLAM DUNK! KURT DON’T PLAY DAT’ IN MY HOUSE! WHO’S THE MAN!? DAWN’S THE MAN!”

  116. Anonymous
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    I like Dawn’s “aha/told you so” gesture in the second panel. It’s like she really wants to rub it in, and to that end she’s trying the “bad cat” method of scolding: she’s dipped her fingers in her tea and has flicked the moisture onto Wilbur. “Bad Wilbur. Next con man that comes along, you will not believe him, or there’s more where this came from. And no more Facebook.”

  117. Carly
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#116): That was me. Forgot I’d cleared my cookies.

  118. M.B. Mellay
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    FC: I just don’t get it…they take time to render Jeffy’s ass in loving detail, right down to the dimple at the top, but they can’t be bothered to draw in cabinet drawers or doors.

    Baka Gaijin – You’re psychic! It’s been a week, and it is all sandwich, sandwich, sandwich for Wilbur. Or at least sandwich, sandwich…unless you include Dawn’s sandwich, then it is sandwich, sandwich, sandwich. Though I thought maybe Wilbur only had half a sandwich on his plate, but I guess you could round up and it still would be sandwich, sandwich, sandwich.

    Wow, there’s a minute of my life I’ll never get back. Thanks, Mary Worth.

  119. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! (#112): Well, that is one of B. Racoon’s particular skill areas—although I suspect that his conversations are usually more substantial than just “chatting up.”

  120. B. Racoon
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! (#112): Oh, Hammy, Hammy, Hammy.
    Those were not tricks but skills. And there is a difference between being nice to a lady and “chatting her up.” Merlot is not a tool to achieve an end result. It’s to be enjoyed with a friend during pleasant conversation and possibly with a bit of fine cheese.
    My friend, I see that we have much to discuss.

  121. B. Racoon
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#119): Ah! A fine example of sophistication has answered Hammy first. Hammy could learn a lot from a you Bourbon Babe. Why he could become the envy of Over the Hedge.

    On a comics related note, did you notice that in Curtis today, Greg is pouring coffee from a teapot.

  122. Poteet
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    @Helen Clark (#111): Now I miss you even more.

  123. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#119):
    @B. Racoon (#120):
    BUT I’VE GOT DIMPLES!

  124. NoahSnark
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    Thel briefly considered selling Jeffy to a mentally challenged drifter, but settled for taking him to church.

  125. B. Racoon
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL (#124): Yes, you do, Hammy [sigh].
    By the way. You’ve lost your exclaimation point.

  126. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    @B. Racoon (#126): YIPES! IT’S LIKE BEING NOOD! I THINK IT’S BACK NOW! NOW I KNOW HOW JEFFY FEELS!
    THANKS B.!

  127. cj
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    FC:
    interpretation 2: Jeffy has disposed of all his clothes, and is demanding that Mom buy him all new ones, “because it’s my birthday”. Raised in the God-fearing Kean Kompound, where the satanic works of Tolkien have never been read, this warning sign will go unheeded until Jeffy murders one of his siblings for a trinket.

    @Muffaroo (#96): “Pretty sweet, huh Mom? I had it done in Casablanca!” Or in Scottsdale, judging from the rarely-mentioned setting of the strip (Arizona).

  128. Johnny Knuckles
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    Please forgive me, but Thel’s hand buried in her back bum is making me hot.

  129. Uncle Lumpy
    March 8th, 2010 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    @generic drugs (#123):

    Spam – bye!

  130. Girl Reporter
    March 9th, 2010 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    @dull_old_man (#107):

    I once got a cover letter from a job applicant who claimed to have just the inertia I was seeking.

    Love the ones spell check doesn’t catch.

  131. James Cobbingstein
    March 9th, 2010 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    Surprised you didn’t comment on the clear Christian propaganda in today’s Beetle Bailey: http://content.comicskingdom.net/Beetle_Bailey/Beetle_Bailey.20100308_large.gif

  132. KarMann
    March 9th, 2010 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    @cj (#127): Heck, if he then killed his other two siblings for such a trinket apiece, we could have a three-ring Family Circus.

    @Girl Reporter (#130): OK, I’m trying and failing to guess, what was meant instead of “inertia”?

  133. dale
    March 9th, 2010 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    @dull_old_man (#107):
    I read that line at least three times before I saw the problem.
    I kept thinking: What, what, “lay” is correct.

  134. dale
    March 9th, 2010 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    @KarMann (#132):

    inertia = initiative ?

    I once received a letter that read something like: We will meet at 9:00 and convene at 3:30.

  135. Braniff
    March 9th, 2010 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    FC (Re: Comment 1): If the Canadian seal-hunters really want to get some good PR, they can club that insipid family of melonheads instead of the furry sea creatures. I imagine there’d be very few objections in the USA, Canada, Europe or anywhere people are exposed to the Family Circus.

  136. IronMouse
    March 10th, 2010 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    I recognize the gesture Dawn is making at Wilber…it was the same gesture Endora used in Bewitched episode #73 when she turned Darrin into a sandwich.

  137. mary_worthless
    March 10th, 2010 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    The one thing I wish Hammy the Squirrel would learn is internet/chat/forum etiquette- as in “TURNING OFF YOUR DOGGONE CAPS!!!!”.

    In case you didn’t know, it’s perceived as shouting.

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