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Metapost: Disturbing e-mail from my in-box

Presented unedited for your edification:

Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 21:59:11 -0700 [08/22/2006 11:59:11 PM CDT]
From: Aldo Kelrast
To: blogfrontp @jfruh.com
Subject: link to mp3 by Aldo Kelrast the singer-songwriter

Hello Comics Curmudgeon,

This is Aldo Kelrast. I realize you’re on vacation, but an easy meta-post would be to link to my website, on which I’ve posted an mp3 of a song I wrote to my dear Mary Worth.

http://www.geocities.com/aldokelrast/

If you don’t publicize my beautiful webpage on your site, I might have to follow you around on your vacation, constantly popping up unexpectedly, insisting that you link to my song, until finally you scream “AAUGH!”

Cordially yours,
-Aldo

Update: Um, I think we overwhelmed his little Geocities site. Just like Mary overwhelmed his little heart.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 23, 2006 at 04:55 pm and is filed under Mary Worth, metaposts.

126 responses to “Metapost: Disturbing e-mail from my in-box”

Marc
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

Wow, that is creepy. It’s amazing how weird people can be.
MossMoses
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

The really disturbing aspect is that it’s a bad link…
Marc
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

And..the link is dead.
Daniel
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

That’s cute in a creepy sort of way. Obviously one of your fans want to have a little bit of fun with you.

If you’re really so worried about it, I’m sure there is a way to track said emailer’s IP adress. :P
Chris
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

Aldo killed his wife and his own Web site!

Is their no end to this monster’s malevolence??!!!!
Uncle Lumpy
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

I’ve heard that links to his former page are also dead. When will he learn that html and alcohol don’t mix?
Fuzzy
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

Crap. I wanted to hear the song.
OnandonAnon
August 23rd, 2006 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

You’re breaking his heart – and his link!
Andy
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

I just can’t believe that any grown man who chooses to go around looking like Captain Kangaroo expects any woman to find him attractive. blech
Ponzicar
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

A geocities site is one of the most fragile kinds of web pages around.

More information on geocities can’t be found on the internet, because it has exceeded its bandwidth.
2fs
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

Well, if there are “hat men” (like O’Nann Winquedinque?) then perhaps there are Bowl-Cut and Mustache women…
AwfulArt
August 23rd, 2006 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

Sorry, this GeoCities site is currently unavailable.
The GeoCities web site you were trying to view has temporarily exceeded its data transfer limit. Please try again later.

Are you the site owner? Avoid service interruptions in the future by increasing your data transfer limit! Find out how.

Learn more about data transfer.

This is what my machine showed??? Me no computer savvy…!!!
Meander
August 23rd, 2006 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

Wednesday’s Lio….heh.
Meander
August 23rd, 2006 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

Josh — did you know that you got a mention by no less a luminary than James Wolcott!

Dude, you rock!
benro
August 23rd, 2006 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

Too bad you didn’t have the foresight to mirror the mp3 before the geocities site got hosed.

More information about data transfer can be found on the internet.
Marc
August 23rd, 2006 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

GeoCities sites are like Mary Worth’s swans…if you leave them alone it will be fine, but if some weirdo handles the object/site, it will crash…literally.
deeeeeeeeelightful
August 23rd, 2006 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

an ominous quote from the MW HQ, Kingfeatures.com The reader is asked to remember that Mary Worth stories are not about Mary. They are about a continuing parade of people who enter Mary’s life. If you look closely, you may recognize one of your neighbors â€” or even yourself As I sit in the darkness of the den, silenting twiddiling my invisible mustaches, tugging on my bowtie, one question comes to mind……… Am I………Aldo Kelrast?
Zach
August 23rd, 2006 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

Long time reader, first (and possibly only, for a long while at least) time posting.

The site became available again, but since geocities sites are held together with hello kitty stickers, I’ve put the mp3 here to help Aldo share it with the world (or at least Comics Curmudgeon readers.)

http://darkstar.frop.org/~zwhite/Aldo_Kelrast_-_Aldo_Loves_Mary.mp3

Enjoy.
Marc
August 23rd, 2006 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

The site became available again, but since geocities sites are held together with hello kitty stickers…

lol! Did I just type that? I did. And I really did laugh.

TDIET – 1950’s chauvanism at its finest! In Al Scaduto terms:

“G on! G-g-get! Back in th’ kitchen with ya’s, oo-ook-ook? How dare ya try to peddle me a san’wich? I ain’t eatin’ nothing unless you been slaving over the stove all-day, y’hear?! (hits wifey’s ass with a broom).”

MW – Mary Worth “WASP I-told-you-so” edition. Why is a third cup coming out of Mary’s torso?

A3g- “Hi professor! I’m scrubbing!” If that doesn’t say shirt, I don’t know what does.
Sarah
August 23rd, 2006 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

#18- Zach. THANK YOU. I was intrigued by the post and a bit let down that the original link was broken.

I know if I were Mary, I’d be won over by that song. Especially the highly necessary shout of “guitar!” to signal the guitar solo. I might’ve missed it otherwise.
weiser
August 23rd, 2006 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

Josh
I still so need the shirt Mon-ma-tron designed. Come back from vacation soon so we can buy one
mon-ma-tron
August 24th, 2006 at 12:05 am [Reply]

Speaking of T-shirts, is anyone else creeped out by the matching tees Luann’s parents have been wearing since they came back from their “couples’ retreat?” erghgk…. the writing’s so faint on my monitor that at first I thought they said “KAMP KUDDLE.” Not that “KAMP KOUPLE” (which is what I’m pretty sure it actually says) is much better.

I WENT TO SWINGERS CAMP AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT…
… and crabs
moe99
August 24th, 2006 at 12:21 am [Reply]

Zach, another big round of thanks from the upper left hand corner of the map. I can retire and sleep like a baby tonight having heard the ode to MW.
Dingo
August 24th, 2006 at 12:51 am [Reply]

My God, Mary Worth is a freakin’ cake hog. While Toby – thin, svelte, shakin’ her moneymaker for fat-ass professor husband Toby – sits with nary a morsel of cake to be had, Mary, yes Mary, has somehow managed to get a forkful of cake with frosting similar to the edge of the piece onto her fork without actually taking it from the edge. Mary has two – two! – pieces of cake on one plate to help assauge her feelings toward Aldo. Mary, no matter how much junk you put in that trunk, the man likes you. So much so, I bet when he saw today’s Betty (08/24/06) he thought it was written about the two of you.
Mibbitmaker
August 24th, 2006 at 1:27 am [Reply]

MW (8/24): I think we now have the new “I guess that puts us IN CONFLICT!” with “cease and desist!”

Belated 8/23:

Curtis: Michelle did the right thing. However: Curtis, shut up!

FOOB: April Patterson: potentially the Frank Burns of veterinary medicine.

Lockhorns: Don’t want to be called an ape by a miserable spouse? Never eat a banana.
-brought to you by the Avoid All Fruits council.
Mibbitmaker
August 24th, 2006 at 1:46 am [Reply]

8/24:

Beetle: Aww, Greg and Mort Walker are in love…

A3G: Careful, Tommie; if you clear your mind too much, you could become LuAnn!

FW: Her frustration with Les’s asshattiness these last 2 weeks has reached its catharsis in an odd way. Either that, or she’s about to beat Mr. Never Mention School Stuff down with the hairbrush.

FOOB: Okay, April, you’re doing all the fish “cleaning” during Patterson vacations from now on.

Mutts: The crab can never say goodbye, but he can sure quote the titles of Jackson 5/Gloria Gaynor songs, can’t he?

Foxtrot: It’s a contest to see who can spout the bigger TV-hating stereotype. Bonus points if you can reduce book-reading to an anti-TV diatribe.

GF: Uh-oh, I think Bucky’s going to kick a chicken!
Ed Minchau
August 24th, 2006 at 2:07 am [Reply]

How obsessive is this? I transcribed the words to Aldo’s song:

Aldo Loves Mary – by Aldo Kelrast

(spoken)
You look like you need a knight in shining armor. Good thing I’m here! Well, if you won’t let me carry your groceries, at least listen to this song I wrote. It goes like this:
(/spoken)

I met you in your yard
I caught you off your guard
You look like my ex-wife
I want you in my life

I’m not afraid of your lovely face
Demand your way without a chance
I’d follow you to the end of the earth
You won’t resist me, Mary Worth

(spoken)
Guitar! Go man, go! Work it like a claw!
(/spoken)

Delicious Pursuits, let’s go
I hear your lips say no
Your eyes are saying yes
You want me now, confess

I’m not afraid of your lovely face
Demand your way without a chance
I’d follow you to the end of the earth
You won’t resist me, Mary Worth

———————————

Hmm… I might be a little obsessive for transcribing this, but how about the (at least) four piece band that wrote and played it?
Ed Minchau
August 24th, 2006 at 2:09 am [Reply]

PS some of the words were really difficult to make out, so if I got some wrong mea culpa.
compass rose
August 24th, 2006 at 5:12 am [Reply]

Wow – awesome tribute to Aldomania!

#18 Thanks for the link.
#27 I think it’s “Your man’s away – let’s have a trip”
smacky
August 24th, 2006 at 6:32 am [Reply]

Is today’s FunkyW ripping off TDIET?

You’re in the Grand Canyon combing your daughter’s hair, and what happens? A bald woman says you’re doing it wrong!

They’ll do it every time!!!

Flashback to the large nutritionist from earlier this week.
dan b
August 24th, 2006 at 7:26 am [Reply]

it’s early today, but…

JP: JUST SAY IT! YOU THINK RANDY’S GAY! THIS IS NOT A FIVE-DAY CONVERSATION! i couldn’t see myself voting for someone as drawn-out as this Reg character.

When Rex and Troy were flirting, it was funny. All these baseless insinuations are killing me. They’re totally dragging this out so that actually on sunday, Reg will insinuate that Randy can’t have children and that’s why he’s not the marrying kind. I can feel it.
LaaLaa
August 24th, 2006 at 7:28 am [Reply]

Thanks, 27! Wish I could hear the song. The link doesn’t work for me.
Widdle Jeffy
August 24th, 2006 at 7:38 am [Reply]

After reading today’s FC, you gotta wonder what goes through Dolly’s mind when Mommy tells Daddy to F off.
ragthetiger
August 24th, 2006 at 7:44 am [Reply]

First time posting for a long time lurker.

Has anyone noticed that Mary Worth doesn’t know the difference between “everyday” and “every day”? Don’t you think this is shocking? If anyone is a grammar/syntax maven you’d think it would be Mary. I’m crushed, just utterly disillusioned.

On the other hand, she does seem to be managing to eat that cake without stabbing herself in the throat with it.
Pozzo
August 24th, 2006 at 7:50 am [Reply]

#27: It’s “I’m not afraid of your lovely fist/Your man’s away, let’s have a tryst.”

And in “Zits,” did Walt actually carve #@*! on a tree, or did he carve actual profanity that we’re not allowed see? It’s a mystery to rival the “Z” in the painting in H&L last week.
BigJoe
August 24th, 2006 at 8:47 am [Reply]

MW: As someone else already mentioned, what the hell is the deal with the piece of cake she’s eating? Who uses their fork on the part of the slice furthest from your body? Try to imagine eating cake that way, it’s extremely difficult.

And I didn’t notice that until Dingo pointed it out, the piece on her fork is a shrunken version of the piece on her plate, with the magical frosting down the side where it couldn’t have possibly existed when it was attached to the rest of the slice.

FC: I almost upchucked my Froot Loops when I saw Daddy Circus sitting on the bed in his skivies. And apparently stupid Dolly is wearing her shirt backwards. I guess the joke is she’s a fan of the letter C and she’s disappointed that they’re going to ride an L.
britbike
August 24th, 2006 at 8:57 am [Reply]

Does anyone else see a weepy meltdown coming on FW, as mother-with-cancer realizes she may never get to brush the hair of her own daughter when said daughter is any older than she is now? Very sad, true, heartrending even, but it just seems so obviously telegraphed here that it is annoying me.
And since Les is NOT being portrayed in the best of lights these days, no telling how badly he’ll react to that.
Treadwell
August 24th, 2006 at 8:58 am [Reply]

#34: I noticed, also (and am relieved to at last find another person who cares about the rampant misuse of “everyday”).

However, I blame the chronicler, not Mary. After all, she’s merely speaking. Someone else is scribbling her words into a balloon.
pelagius
August 24th, 2006 at 9:08 am [Reply]

FC: My favorite part of today’s re-run is that they’re all sitting around in the hotel room drinkin’ beers. And later on, when they’ve got a good buzz on, the evening’s entertainment will be to ride the commuter train. Whee!
frippy
August 24th, 2006 at 9:10 am [Reply]

I couldn’t help but wonder if Mary Worth’s bolded “cease and desist” today was a message to all of us new, rabid Mary Worth fans who post strips without permission, write unauthorized biographies, make Myspace accounts for characters, and compose relevant songs.

I thought perhaps the odd name of Aldo Kelrast was an acronym that would rearrange to form something along the lines of “Weird New Generation of Internet Fans Who Are Probably Laughing At the Strip and Not With It,” but all I came up with was “Load Stalker.”
bootsybooks
August 24th, 2006 at 9:12 am [Reply]

MW: That’s the first recognizable piece of food ever seen in this strip. Cake!

FC: Shit, Daddy’s on the bed shirtless. I thought this circle of hell could not get any more nauseating but I was wrong, so wrong, so very wrong.

Phantom roars back with some awesome narration today. “But the Man-Who-Could-Mot-Die means to keep on not dying!”
Hogenmogen
August 24th, 2006 at 9:42 am [Reply]

Dick Tracy: Death is not an option – would you rather kiss Gertie or Lottie?

I’d have to go with Gertie, sinfully ugly as she is, at least I’m half-sure she’s a woman.
rich
August 24th, 2006 at 9:45 am [Reply]

Okay, I know it’s not cool to admit this, but Curtis does makes me laugh sometimes. I especially like how Billingsley connects the unseen action between two strips. (Tuesday: Ends with Curtis having a comical spit take/seizure) (Wednesday: “Curtis, you’re alive!” “Yeah — the defibrillator did the trick!”)

TDIET — Is that (#19) really his wife, or literally his housekeeper (notice the maid’s uniform)? When her wealthy Seattle-based employer sees this strip, ol’ “Elpeena” just might be out of work. (”But it was a joke, Mr. Gates, y’hear? Oh, yeah!”)

FW: But — but — why is the dad combing his 18-year-old daughter’s hair in the first place? Do any fathers do such things??
cheech wizard
August 24th, 2006 at 9:46 am [Reply]

Check out the name of the boot store in Wednesday’s Curtis – has to be about the most outrageous thing I’ve seen in the funny pages. Say what you will about the lame plot lines, but for me the appeal of Curtis has always been the wicked sense of humor that Billingsly works into the nooks and crannies of the strip. Unfortunately, most of them are lost at the micro size most papers run their strips these days.
OnandonAnon
August 24th, 2006 at 9:48 am [Reply]

That geocities site actually reminds me of Captain Kangaroo’s website, for some reason.
BigJoe
August 24th, 2006 at 9:48 am [Reply]

Phantom – That was disappointing. He spent 3 days underwater stuck in a log on the bottom of the pond, struggling and unable to free himself. “How will he get out? What drama, what tension!” Then today in panel 1 he just magically pops out of the water.

And that reminds me, I was going to comment when he was planning to jump out of the copter, but didn’t have time. (After all, he talked about jumping for only about 6 days before he actually did.) He kept talking about jumping into the “pond” they were passing over. Maybe I’m not up on the definition of pond, but that’s one big ass pond. It’s as big as Lake Victoria.
Hogenmogen
August 24th, 2006 at 9:52 am [Reply]

What’s wrong with the dialogue on Spiderman? The thug limo driver spouts out things like
“that accursed Spiderman!”
“he’ll interfere no more!”
“I’ve read widely…”
“his great strengths…”
“…down to the ocean depths!”
English studies PhD’s don’t talk like 19th century villians, why would a limo driver.

And, you rolled him around in a chain that you just happened to have hanging around in case a superhero dropped in – and didn’t bother to take his mask off?
Hogenmogen
August 24th, 2006 at 10:01 am [Reply]

Is it just me, or did Bil Keane just find a book like “101 Fun Things To Do in Chicago”? Now, page by page he lists them out. Is his editor a bobble-head-doll?
“The Sears tower – that’s funny, right? … You’re shaking your head ‘Yes!’ The elevated train! Dolly will think she is riding the letter ‘L’! Is that funny or what? … I see you agree! Now we need a Billy-with-dotted-trail joke. … Yes, I knew you’d think so.”
Craigers
August 24th, 2006 at 10:02 am [Reply]

A3G : Tommie is washing the outside of the door to her apartment. I may have seen it all now. The Prof’s pickup line, “Does your mind need clearing?” is one of the most effective, in my experience.

Archie : Archie Exegesis to follow.

B.C. : It’s not very funny, but it is a little funny. Naturally, it’s not a religious/political theme. That’s what sad and tragic about Hart’s decline (and believe me, B.C. used to be a pretty great comic)… it’s not really that he’s gotten senile and crotchety. He’s gotten entirely the wrong message from the faith he claims to have embraced… it’s made him hateful and spiteful.

Crankshaft : When drawing just one bikini-clad lass just won’t… um… get the job done.

DT : Bow-chicka-bow-wow

Drabble : Damn, Stalin is tall. I never knew he liked Manilow, though.

Herb & Jamaal : That is the oldest joke in the world. What the hell is wrong with you!?

JP : WE GET IT ALREADY.

MW : Three cups of coffee for two people? Is Mary two-fistin’?

SF : Ted in panel one : does he need to pee really badly, or is the problem more urgent?
Ned Ryerson
August 24th, 2006 at 10:14 am [Reply]

So Mallard Filmore was only temporarily detouring from his back-to-school tips? He should just do one tip: Be very selective about listening to anything your teachers tell you, after all most of them are failed singer-songwriters, pinko secular humanists, and America-hating multiculturalists. As a matter of fact, don’t go to school at all, tell your parents one of them (preferably your mother) needs to stop being so self-absorbed, quit her job and stay home and educate you herself (and fix you a damned turnip every once in a while if it’s not too much trouble…SHEESH!) From now on, my abbreviation for Mallard Filmore is (STFU)MF.

Pluggers has picked up on TDIET’s theme of all the trouble surrounding local variations in naming conventions. Clamdiggers is just a “fancy” name for pedal pushers? I didn’t think either term had been used since Laura Petri was sporting them on the Dick Van Dyke Show. What I want to know is, does Target sell “capri pants” for dogs?

What’s the over/under on the number of days worth of strips it will take Mary Worth to bring Toby up to speed on her latest dealings with Aldo? Oh Mary, only a Mr. Bungle would eat her cake that way.
Hogenmogen
August 24th, 2006 at 10:15 am [Reply]

JP: Can anyone explain this one to me? Randy didn’t get married to Mimi. Is it that he’s “not the marrying kind” or something? He’s in his late 30’s and isn’t married. Is he just “not the marrying kind”? He’s squeaky clean, but he’s vulnerable. Is that because he’s “not the marrying kind”? I’m just not sure if he’s “the marrying kind” or not.

“I would not marry Mimi
Not even in a mini
Love is truly blind
And I’m not the marrying kind

I graduated Harvard Law
And I work it like a claw
But I still pine away
for that chick at the CIA

In this judge’s race
I can’t be in second place
I will not get behind
But I’m not the marrying kind”
Dingo
August 24th, 2006 at 11:05 am [Reply]

Oy vey, Craigers #49. When you wrote, “Is Mary (Worth) two-fistin’?” I had the completely wrong thought go through my head about Mary and Toby. Let’s leave the lasses at shoving their holes with cake.
Library Cat
August 24th, 2006 at 11:07 am [Reply]

#51 He’s not the kind who gets married. There are those who get married, he’s not that kind. He’s not the marrying kind. The kind who gets married he is not. Not the marrying kind. No, not the kind for marrying. He’s kind but he’s not marrying.

After a week of this I believe Randy is as gay as Rex Morgan.
Craigers
August 24th, 2006 at 11:19 am [Reply]

When you wrote, â€œIs Mary (Worth) two-fistinâ€™?â€ I had the completely wrong thought go through my head about Mary and Toby.

Truth be told : that comment was intentionally written that way. You may now proceed to burn me in effigy.
Craigers
August 24th, 2006 at 11:21 am [Reply]

That is the oldest joke in the world.

By the way, just to clarify my earlier comment : that phrase “oldest joke in the world” is often used for comic effect, as an exaggeration. Hyperbole. But in this instance, I actually believe that if someone looks in to it, the “waiter, there’s a fly in my soup” gag will actually prove to be the world’s oldest joke, one that was grunted from one pre-Neanderthal to another when he picked a hair off of his haunch of mastodon.
Cornwhacker
August 24th, 2006 at 11:35 am [Reply]

With gay marriage being such a hot-button issue, wouldn’t it be a more effective smear to say Randy is the marrying kind?

Craigers, I think that third “cup” is Mary’s sugar bowl. Or her honey pot.

The regenerating frosting must be what makes Special Apple Cake so “special”.
bootsybooks
August 24th, 2006 at 11:48 am [Reply]

#46, Big Joe, apparently you missed the naming of bodies of water issues discussed at length in TDIET and ensuing comments here mere days ago.

You say pond, I say lake. Ook-oo-ooka. Oh yeah!
Len
August 24th, 2006 at 11:57 am [Reply]

I don’t get Thursday’s Lio. He dresses up as a dwarf (perhaps Toulouse Latrec?), and enters a cigar store. Then watches as men in the store smoke exploding cigars.

Huh?

http://www.gocomics.com/lio/2006/08/24/
Craigers
August 24th, 2006 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

Or her honey pot.

Brilliant.
Dingo
August 24th, 2006 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

Y’know, I’ve just finished graduate school and all of my time should be devoted to looking for work. What am I doing? Noticing regenerative cake frosting in Mary Worth and I’m proud of it! Do… do you think there’s a career in there somewhere?

Perhaps I could become a new character in the strip. I would be The Grammarian, explaining to Mary the difference between “every day” and “everyday.”
BlueDot
August 24th, 2006 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

I liked Aldo’s song. It was….sweet.
He’s obviously a fan of yours, Josh, so I’m glad you took his threat seriously. He’s got “Fatal Attraction” written all over his zaftig little body.
Deckard Canine
August 24th, 2006 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

#58 – The joke is that he disguised himself as a grown man to earn their trust, then handed them cigars they didn’t expect to explode. Or perhaps he replaced their cigars when no one was looking.

#55 – I actually think yesterday’s H&J, in which a hot woman is motivation to jog, could be traced back even further than the soup gag.

#49 – I suppose “B.C.” is a little funny, but mainly in the sense of strange. A guy sees a sign with a high vocabulary that says something obviously not true. That’s it.

#47 – Villains don’t have to want to know their enemies’ alter egos. What would the face mean to him? What would even his photo ID mean? It’s not like he’s going to tell the world, “I know how Spider-Man looked! I killed him!”

#36, 41 – You people are too uptight if you can’t stand to see a man shirtless in front of his children.

#35 – Thanks, I hadn’t thought of that.

“Prickly City” today takes its turn at dissing the education system, tho not as broadly or obsessively as MF. As a public school veteran, I resent the comment, partly because it seems to insult many people who didn’t have a choice. FWIW, I did learn about George McGovern in high school.

And I hope somebody else will think of something good to say about this week’s “Broom Hilda.”
britbike
August 24th, 2006 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

#43–Dad’s doing the hair combing for the special photo op because mom isn’t around–I suspect this will tie to my afore-mentioned coming weepfest.
#58–I’m thinking Lio planted the exploding cigars in the store’s stock, and is enjoying his little joke from a safe distance.
No Stupid Bear, nee Joan
August 24th, 2006 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

#42: Lottie. I’d bet her oral hygiene is better.

FC Mom looks like she needs some anti-depressants and maybe some alone time with an attentive lover who knows how to use a damn condom.

Dear Everyone, Please never ever use the words Mary and fistin’ in the same sentence ever ever again. Now I have to get Tommie to scrub out the inside of my skull. It’s an ancient mind-clearing technique.

#58: If you know Lio, you know that he made the exploding cigars himself. It’s just that Tatulli didn’t have the Sunday-size strip space to spend on the explosive mixing.
SmartPeopleOnIce
August 24th, 2006 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

FC: Ya know, if you take off his glasses and put on a mustache, Daddy Circus looks a lot like… nah, couldn’t be.

Marmaduke: Why is Hitler visiting the Marmaduke clan?

MT: With a little photoshop, this lame into:

Molly keeps nudging her trainer, but he doesn’t respond.

could be converted into the entirely excellent:

Having gnawed a small hole into Buck’s cranial vault, Molly now sucks out the juice.
gump worsley
August 24th, 2006 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

Between you and me, I’m thinking this guy they keep talking about in Judge Parker is gay.

That’s just the feeling I’m getting.
Poteet
August 24th, 2006 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

# 60 — I want the RECIPE for that regenerative cake frosting. Not for myself, you understand. I just want to selflessly donate it to hungry people all over the world.
Deckard Canine
August 24th, 2006 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

#65 – Simple: the comic is evil and attracts evil characters.
Hogenmogen
August 24th, 2006 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

Dinette Set usually does nothing for me but induce nausea. However, today I had some deeper thoughts. First, the family (the Dinettes?) is actually contemplating returning the pen to the bank. True, it is only because they fear retribution, which is level 1 (on a scale of 3) in some sociologist’s book. Level 2 is to do the right thing because it is the law, and level 3 is to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. A PhD in Sociology plus five dollars will generally get you a cup of double decaf mocha latte at a nice coffee house. Anyway, the Dinettes have decided that they must return the pen. That is the first time I’ve seen them (for whatever reason) decide to do something of even insignificant virtue.

Of course, if you look hard enough, you will notice that they swiped a box of Hampton Inn tissues. I really did appreciate the fact that they drive a Dodge Bandit.

Then, I was thinking even deeper (which is why you can smell smoke right now). Who are these fat, ugly, ungainly people who manage to be as blithely selfish and uncouth at every given turn of events? While Pluggers celebrates the lives of the rural working poor, Dinette seems to show utter contempt for the white trash of the world, daily mocking on their uncultured, unsophisticated and unwise choices, culture and actions. Yes, Dinette Set is the anti-pluggers. Bravo, Dinette!

Now go and be funny…

Ok, maybe I ask too much. It’s still Dinette Set, after all.
Hogenmogen
August 24th, 2006 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

Sorry to keep on posting, but the comics are really bothering me today. Gil Thorp means well, but “Once you had something to worry about other than that disgusting, hideous scar on your face, I knew the real Riya would come through.” Yes, everyone is looking at your deformity. Laughter is momentary, but you still have your permanent disfigurement – right there on your face where everyone can see it. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks, you’re a freak, were a freak, still a freak, always a freak. Oh, yeah, and you’re a foreigner, too!

It just sort of ties in to FW in a very loose way.
Les: Time for your chemo shot because you have cancer.
Lisa: My hair is all gone.
Les: Yes, because you have cancer.
Lisa: Ok, I’m ready.
Les: You’re a cancer patient. I’ll give you the shot because you have cancer. You’d die without it.
Lisa: Maybe I’ll have it beat by Christmas vacation.
Les: Vacation… you mean vacation from SCHOOL. SCHOOL!!! AAAAAGGGHHH!!!
kanttakeit
August 24th, 2006 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

FC – nobody’s even mentioned poor Jeffy, who lost out on the Cubs merchandise binge, and is sitting in front of the TV covering his wee bits with the skin of last year’s Christmas ham
trooper6
August 24th, 2006 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

That song was the best. I listen to it over and over.
AppleGirl
August 24th, 2006 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

JP- Okay! Okay! The guy’s GAY! Who cares? Now let’s move on, already! What about RAJU’S MAKEOVER?!?!?! Judge Parker, you left me hanging, and I hate you for that.
bootsybooks
August 24th, 2006 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

Canine, it’s not that I recoil in virginal horror from the sight of a cartoon character shirtless, it’s that I was unprepared for the flabby undeliciousness of Mr. Circus’ pasty self, and the weary self-loathing of Mrs. Circus. FC will suck the soul outta you faster than Molly the minibear sucks the cranial juice from the now-defunct Buck’s head.

Thank you for that, SmartPeople.
joe
August 24th, 2006 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

Bell and Sebastion could sell a million copies of that song.
Marc
August 24th, 2006 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

69 – The last name is Penny. Burl and Verl Penny. This strip is just like Pluggers…but with humans.
smacky
August 24th, 2006 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

Oh wait, do you think FW is leading toward “I’m combing my daughter’s hair because her mother died of cancer.”?

Because of all the people to run into in the Grand Canyon, that would be sorta strange.
LaaLaa
August 24th, 2006 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

#40. Aldo Kelrast = Load Stalker.

OMG. I did not realize that kelrast = stalker! Holy Crap. I feel like such a doofus for not noticing that.
Pozzo
August 24th, 2006 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

#62 – Broom Hilda is still being published? I had no idea. I actually used to kind of like that strip thirty-some years ago.
Cornwhacker
August 24th, 2006 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

73: If Neddy & Sophie are anything like I was as a teenage girl, they’ll be tempted to go really girly on the makeover, and Raju will end up with a new look that only a gay man could pull off. Hm… then maybe the next day, he goes to work with Sam, and Randy suggests they go out for Chinese food, and someone’s there with a camera…
brendan
August 24th, 2006 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

#14: not only is wolcott a reader, he’s obsessed with FBFW too.
welcome aboard james!
Bigfoot
August 24th, 2006 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

#41, bootsybooks, I’m with you entirely. All the snarky comments about MW’s weird approach to cake-cutting & her strange recipe for regenerative frosting may be funny, but seriously people look at the big picture. It’s a recognizable food that looks like a reasonably realistic color!

Dingo, did you get a job coloring in MW? Obviously someone there has a graduate degree.
Fuzzy
August 24th, 2006 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

*listens to song*

>.O

Dude, that sucked.
Dingo
August 24th, 2006 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

#82 Bigfoot: Would that be a job in color commentary? Ding-clang!

Thank you. Thank you, folks. Drive home safely and I hope you enjoyed the fish.
Mibbitmaker
August 24th, 2006 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

Prickly City: Too dumb to know about the irony of an anti-war candidate given McGovern in ‘72, huh? How about too dumb to get the real irony about McGovern the big loser… you know… a little something called *Watergate*? People in glass schools, eh, Mr. Stantis?

F-Minus: Why is Bob Ross there? The man hasn’t been around in 6 years. Maybe he just wanted to be in a “happy little strip”?

As an aside: you know we live in a wrong world when bin-Laden is alive and Bob Ross isn’t.
Craigers
August 24th, 2006 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

Archie Exegesis for 8/24 : Sorry, folks, today’s a write-off. When The Cabal draw Archie in plaid pants, it’s a signal that the strip is a null, a placeholder, an impostor.

So yes, today’s Archie is a regular comic strip which is only *masquerading* as a coded command to the loyal henchmen of an underground messianic political/religious movement with roots going back to the 3rd century.

In case you’re wondering, the reason plaid pants are chosen is that the plaid symbolizes the tartans of the Scottish clans, which in turn is intended to symbolize Bonnie Prince Charlie and the Jacobite movement, the well-known pretender to the English throne. Some historians say that the reason that the Stuart was chosen was that certain elements connected to the exiled Moldavian Orthodox church were involved in a series of disputes with the Stuart court-in-exile in France in the early 1770s.
bisbane
August 24th, 2006 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

Mary needs a saucer of milk to go along with that cake she is eating!
rich
August 24th, 2006 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

80: Ha! Perfect scenario, Cornwhacker. You should be writing that strip. (Heck, we should all be writing all of these strips!)
Islamorada Girl
August 24th, 2006 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

AppleGirl–It’s because Parker is a HANGIN’ JUDGE!
Justafoob
August 24th, 2006 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

April’s interest in veterinarians is just her guilt coming to the surface about murdering the beloved Farley.
dimestore lipstick
August 24th, 2006 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

Mibbitmaker
I think that’s actually a fur hat on the trapper guy–not a fashionable 1970s man-perm.

And poor Bob Ross has been dead for eleven years now.
Craigers
August 24th, 2006 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

I think thatâ€™s actually a fur hat on the trapper guyâ€“not a fashionable 1970s man-perm.

That’s not a trapper guy, that’s former Washington Redskins running back John Riggins.
Mibbitmaker
August 24th, 2006 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

I’d been thinking one more year than a big number, and for some reason my mind translated 10 as 5. I definately meant 11. And, since I spied (with my little eye) F-Minus in the Boston Globe at a convenience store, but didn’t buy the issue, I didn’t have the chance to look over the strip as I typed, like I do with the newspaper I have delivered, thusly making sure it looked enough like ol’ Bob.

Hell, I was hoping I was remembering the right strip so I’d use the right title. So I got *something* right!

Just to be certain: Aldo *does* look like Capt. Marvel, right?
MJ1066
August 24th, 2006 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

FW: At least the strip is taking a break from the “no one must ever mention anything remotely school-related in front of Les” joke.

#77, smacky: You’re not the only one who thinks that. I wonder if the girl’s mother might be dead. The father didn’t say anything about the girl’s mother coming on the trip with them. Also, the girl said that her grandmother, not her mother, made her graduation dress.
treadwell
August 24th, 2006 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

55: The soup joke (whether it’s the oldest or not) is NOT “waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.” Even the first joke had to have a punchline.

The joke is:
“Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?”
“The backstroke.”

…hey, I didn’t say it was funny, only that it had a punchline…

I always thought “not the marrying kind” simply meant that the fella was not one to settle down with one gal, but would continue playing the field as long as he was able. Only fairly recently have I considered it might mean homosexuality. Is this a recent change in the meaning of the phrase, or simply in my naivte’?
No Stupid Bear, nee Joan
August 24th, 2006 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

Itâ€™s because Parker is a HANGINâ€™ JUDGE!

…which is why he’s so popular in certain not-marrying circles. If you know what I mean.
Craigers
August 24th, 2006 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

The soup joke (whether itâ€™s the oldest or not) is NOT â€œwaiter, thereâ€™s a fly in my soup.â€ Even the first joke had to have a punchline.

The canonical fly/soup joke, as far as I know, is “waiter, there’s a fly in my soup” / “shhhh, quiet, or they’ll all want one.” Which is the one H&J used.
Anonymous
August 24th, 2006 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

#95 – JP might do the gay thing, to prove it’s “edgy” (except Melrose had a gay character like 10 years ago). Then again, they might woos out and just sort of drop innuendo that he’s a promiscuous playboy. He was engaged to a girl, after all, wouldn’t that sort of indicate his hetero orientation? Of course, this, being Judge Parker doesn’t need to make coherent sense. Sam and Randy might be overheard on a golf course saying “Let’s whack ‘em!”
Anonymous
August 24th, 2006 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

The oldest joke in the world:

Grok: No can use new atl-atl. Grok wish he had old club.
Son of Grok: Me program new atl-atl.
Sound effects: Be-boop-beep!
Grok: Brain still hasn’t evolved enough to use atl-atl.
Son of Grok: Groannnn…. (thinks) What a plugger!
Hogenmogen
August 24th, 2006 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

That was me in 98 & 99 – didn’t mean to be sly about it.
Dingo
August 24th, 2006 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

treadwell, I’m 42. There are two phrases I’ve heard during my life and both involve inflection. He’s not the marrying kind could mean that he’s a heterosexual who would rather kick chickens and shoot bears than defile his penis by placing it within a skank den. Or… it could mean he’s a gay man. Remember Mama Celeste and Celeste Holm in the Mary Worth of 2006-07-16? From the looks on their faces, Mama Celeste just played the gay card. The other phrase is he’s a confirmed bachelor. If said with the emphasis on “bach” â€” He’s a confirmed BACHelor” â€” the person is telling you that, for the love of God, if you don’t want to find out that he craps in the shower, has never ironed a shirt, believes that oral sex is what women give to men and not vice versa, and believes that two Playboy playmates are just waiting for the day that they can clean his trailer and then make love to each other on his plaid couch while he watches and masturbates, stay clear. If, however, the person says, “He’s a confirmed bachelor.” this means that your chances of feeling his testicles slap against your thigh like a razor on a barber’s strap are greatly diminished unless you look like Antonin Scalia and have the social mores of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Both phrases are used interchangeably which can lead to confusion. You must listen for the inflection in order to discern which type of man the speaker describes.

Tomorrow’s lesson: is she a lesbian or a nun in street clothes? How to tell the difference.
Library Cat
August 24th, 2006 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

#95 You’re not naive, that is usually what the phrase means. And it now applies to both men and women that wish to sow their wild oats (there’s an old phrase) extensively.

#98 Hogenmogen, it had not occurred to me that they might wuss out on the gay rumor storyline. In fact that might explain why the writers are drawing it out so long, they are waiting to see the public’s reaction before committing to one way or the other. What’s the lag time on comics? Two weeks? We may have another seven days of twisting the words “kind” and “marrying” into sentences. No, I won’t do my OCD litany again. It made my head hurt earlier.
Cheese!
August 24th, 2006 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

Holy guacamole! I’m paying attention to the plot of Mary Worth! AHHHHHHH!
Anonymous
August 24th, 2006 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

#86 (Craigers) In case youâ€™re wondering, the reason plaid pants are chosen is that the plaid symbolizes the tartans of the Scottish clans

Which leads us to the question: Is Archie regimental?

#101 (Dingo) Tomorrowâ€™s lesson: is she a lesbian or a nun in street clothes? How to tell the difference.

Um, if you chow bush, I guessing you’re probably not a nun.

(Man, with his popeness on vacation, the boards make for the gutter like a bear trainer on a dirt road)

spoi

PS: LibCat – I liked your OCD rant.
MossMoses
August 24th, 2006 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

Enraged chicken kickin’ redneck beekeper with evil mustache will not shoot a cute, innocent , pet dwarf bear. ..and Buck “Long Dong” Jones is not seriously injured despite being thrown from a speeding truck face down on a rock. He’s just temporarily unconscious.
Von Zeppelin
August 24th, 2006 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

Dick Tracy–I always thought of the NSA as an agency staffed with pasty-faced electronics nerds in dark rooms listening in on satellite communications. Do they employ very many sharpshooting seven foot tall transgendered caffeine addicts? How come Whiskbroombeard got the medal from THE PRESIDENT and not Lottie?
Ella
August 24th, 2006 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

Some people have tooooooo much time on their hands. I commend him for his commitment and all but…uh…
treedweller
August 24th, 2006 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

DT: That was a great plan? Chase a bad guy out onto the Capitol Dome without backup and nearly get shot, but luck out by having a transsexual spy miraculously shoot him from the ground with a tiny pistol? Yeah, it’s obvious Dick really thought this one out from start to finish.
Monkey's Paw
August 24th, 2006 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

#106 Because Lottie is a woman damn it.( At least I think she is.) This is Dick Tracy, not some @%$* liberal love-fest! Give women a medal and the next thing you know she’ll be wanting to vote.
Pansy
August 24th, 2006 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

Applegirl/#73 — Yeah, what ABOUT Raju’s makeover (JP)? His disappearance from the strip seems to coincide with this new “artist” who’s drawing the thing. I gave up two weeks ago. Poor Raju’s visa is probably expired by now, anyway.

Today’s Dick Tracy has completed spoiled my dinner!
Von Zeppelin
August 24th, 2006 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

#110 Pansy–
Fortunately, I read DT before dinner. Didn’t feel hungry after reading it, somehow.

What’s next? A saliva-dribbling liplock tomorrow between Tracy and Lottie Linebacker? I haven’t read DT for decades, before being led astray by this blog. Didn’t Tracy get married to Tess Trueheart in about 1935?

You may notice that Lottie’s has “her” hands positioned just right to break his spine, also. Why are all of their fingers amputated at the first knuckle?
BigJoe
August 24th, 2006 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

#98 – JP might do the gay thing, to prove itâ€™s â€œedgyâ€ (except Melrose had a gay character like 10 years ago). Then again, they might woos out and just sort of drop innuendo that heâ€™s a promiscuous playboy.

Why do so many think they might make Randy be gay? It’s obvious the plot is that these guys want to spread rumors that he’s gay to derail his campaign. Of course their logic that “he must be gay if he broke his engagement to a hot rich chick” is rather gay.
dan b
August 24th, 2006 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

85, 91, 92 – y’all should check out Hi and Lois on thursday. that’s totally the same dude.

(i’d hyperlink, but i’m totally inept in that regard)
left of the pyle
August 24th, 2006 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

FW for Friday has the lamest primer ever on how one might transfer photos from one’s digital camera to another’s computer”

Frame 1:

Stranger: I don’t believe it. I forgot my camera.

Les: Was it digital?

Stranger: Yeah

Frame 2:

Les: Problem solved. You can use mine [my digital camera] and I’ll burn you a CD when I get home.

Stranger: Great… Then I can just upload it to my computer.
Marc
August 24th, 2006 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

FW – Okay..so where’s the joke? Or is this a setup?

Saturday’s strip prediction (okay, it won’t happen, but whatever): Oops, we were too busy talking about these here tecknologies, that we didn’t notice that Lisa fell off the cliff after our last panel yesterday.

TDIET – Okay..snore.

MW: Toby is a cake whore! She stole Mary’s regenerating cake! But don’t worry, it’s heading right for Toby’s chin. Teaches her right for stealing and talking in bold italics!
Dingo
August 25th, 2006 at 12:01 am [Reply]

Cake whore, be damned. Just exactly how long has Toby known Mary and Jeff yet she refers to him as “Dr. Cory”? Is she a little girl playing dress up with the maid?

Frankly, Santa Rosa needs to import some gay men. Mary’s pseudo-Chinese top and Toby’s “the whore splashed white paint on me as she drove off in my car” sweater are a serious breach of taste, even by Charterstone standards.
Ed Minchau
August 25th, 2006 at 12:22 am [Reply]

#35: Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. I must have listened to that part about 20 times and I still couldn’t figure it out.
Marc
August 25th, 2006 at 12:24 am [Reply]

Dingo – It’s Santa Royale. But in my mind it’s Santa WASPville

And be thankful it’s better than Mary’s wonder bread house get-up or Wilber’s quilt coat.
MJ1066
August 25th, 2006 at 12:34 am [Reply]

Baby Blues: What was that weird “Skkxx” sound in the first panel? Was Daryl deliberately tearing up the book?

Funky Winkerbean: Amazing. Les was able to bear the sight of the girl in her graduation hat and stole. Maybe Batuik has let go of the “Les doesn’t want to be reminded of school” joke.
Dingo
August 25th, 2006 at 12:35 am [Reply]

Oy. Santa Royale… I always forget. Thanks, Marc, but it’s not totally Waspville. If you break a pair of ceramic swans, swans given to a women by her husband on her wedding night and land yourself in the Santa Royale women’s shelter, jaundiced yellow men with tattoos carouse outside on the sidewalks. And I bet they’d take your piece of regenerating frosting special apple cake!
Craigers
August 25th, 2006 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

I bet theyâ€™d take your piece of regenerating frosting special apple cake!

I’ve never heard it called that before. These kids and their crazy euphemisms…
Vince M.
August 25th, 2006 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail poetry (by way of Mason Williams):

How ’bout them chicken kickers, ain’t they the dickens-
Goin’ round kickin’ them poor little chickens!
Kickin’ them roosters, kickin’ them hens-
Kickin’ them pullets, them nasty ol’ mens!
Keepin’ em for their eggs, keepin’ em for chow-
Gonna eat ‘em later, but a-kickin’ em now!
How to be a chicken kicker? Only way to lick it-
Get yourself a chicken – haul off and kick it!
weiser
August 26th, 2006 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

How come the least favorite lamp is never broken? Don’t we all have a lamp we secretly wish someone would break?
weiser
August 26th, 2006 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

oops wrong topic, guess I’m just drawn to anything with ALDO in the heading
Moke
August 26th, 2006 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

Applegirl #73, Pansy #110:

For some reason, the paperboy delivers my Sunday sale ads and comics with my Sarturday paper.

You’ll see the new Raju tomorrow.
highway
June 19th, 2008 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

that song is actually pretty great. i listened to it like three times.

go man, go!

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