The Comics Curmudgeon

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Death and Beavers

Wow – heavy themes in the midweek soapers. Thank Heaven those frisky beavers are around to distract us from all this sickness ‘n’ death!

Funky Winkerbean, 1/31/07

Cancer Gal is in remission! This “confuses” her: “Wait a minute! I thought I was in Funky Winkerbean!” But take heart, Les: the playground is reopening after a seven-month overhaul: cue the Barry White!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/31/07

Be afraid, May – the choice is yours: Emperor Palpatine June in panel two, or Patrick Nagel June in panel three – the choice is yours!

Judge Parker, 1/31/07

You know, Rachel, it’s really inconsiderate of you to die at so inconvenient a time! But I suppose you just weren’t giving any thought to my social plans, were you? Honestly!

Mary Worth, 1/31/07

Words fail: “What’s that, Mary? They don’t have Asian doctors where you are?”

Mark Trail, 1/31/07

Those muskrats got nothin’ on this pair! I hope you learned your lesson, Mr. Dick Morgan – “the animals are always right!”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 at 01:21 am and is filed under Funky Winkerbean, Judge Parker, Mark Trail, Mary Worth, Rex Morgan, M.D..

314 responses to “Death and Beavers”

Bombcar
January 31st, 2007 at 1:25 am [Reply]

No mention of the out-of-the-blue $25,000 (Canadian = 234 US Pesos) advance in Foobville? It was all in one strip! I was hoping for some more moping around before the “bluebird” of “happiness” flew up their noses.
Margaret Maloney
January 31st, 2007 at 1:26 am [Reply]

“I think you’ll have several more beavers around here soon, Dick” reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally wants to be a t-shirt.
Ribinin
January 31st, 2007 at 1:27 am [Reply]

Theodore and Castoria safe. I can sleep well tonight.
Pretend2benormal
January 31st, 2007 at 1:28 am [Reply]

Yay! I’m not the only one online in the middle of the night!
Ubiq
January 31st, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

Because hey, if you can’t make a stupid joke based on a poor analogy about a temporary delay in a loved one’s impending death due to cancer, what can you make a joke about? Am I right?

Crankshaft only wishes that he could be that hardcore.
Dingo
January 31st, 2007 at 1:39 am [Reply]

In the for-est
The might-y forest
The beavers sleep to-night
Dicky
January 31st, 2007 at 1:43 am [Reply]

MT: Okay, I’d like to know how Mark knows that Castoria is preggers. I mean I don’t think that they’ve laid a hand on her during the trials and tribulations of L&C, but somehow he knows she’s pregnant.
Lucky sure works fast. Secondarily, having just looked up the gestational period of beavers, 105-107 days is not soon, unless this whole beaver saga has actually occurred over quite a few months, rather than what we consider a few weeks in Lost Forest.

FOOB: I broke my comics ritual to read this tripe this evening since I’d heard what happens in it yesterday. It’s even worse to see. I can’t even think of anything to say… It’s just…
lesles
January 31st, 2007 at 1:55 am [Reply]

#4 – what you talkin’ about, p2b? it’s the middle of the afternoon!
lesles
January 31st, 2007 at 2:05 am [Reply]

mark trail’s going to suggest dick becomes a beaver farmer! but he won’t be able to tell dick what to do with them. thing we know about mark is he’s all book-learning. when it comes to reality, he’s got no idea about how to deal with beavers. or anything.
Beauregard Bugleboy
January 31st, 2007 at 2:07 am [Reply]

I went to high school with a guy named Dick Beavers. I’m not making this up.
jnik
January 31st, 2007 at 2:09 am [Reply]

MT: Hey, this is exactly how the LAST beaver story ended! Young beav makes a new home, floods man’s property, man traps-shoots-whatevers beavers, they return, man is pissed, fire starts, Fire Department says they depend on flat tailed rats for their water supply. Look for it again in two years.
jnik
January 31st, 2007 at 2:11 am [Reply]

GA: somebody else in GA has died and I didn’t catch it? That was the only reason I used to READ this old strip!
Mooselet
January 31st, 2007 at 2:12 am [Reply]

MT: “I think youâ€™ll have several more beavers around here soon, Dick” Oh he did not just say that! Someone cue the porn music, quick! All we need is a ginormous beaver shot and the circle will be complete.
Dicky
January 31st, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

10, Beau: When I was less wary of those “You have to be honest when you fill out these fields” warnings (or when they didn’t have them!) on the internet, I used to use Dick King as my alias for those not-so-family-friendly sites.
All you have to do is translate my last name and you get it (or close to it).

Mind you, I still despise being called Dick or any form of Dick by anyone, but this one guy, but yeah, I’d use it online.
Boshek
January 31st, 2007 at 2:25 am [Reply]

Ubiq, #5. You beat me to it fair and square: I, too, think Les’s joke is off-color. Well, I guess even a joke that strikes the rest of the world as nasty is shrugged off as mild in Winker-land, where pain and panic run rampant and the rivers flow with tears wept in dismay and hopelessness. And there’s a marching band or something.

And FOOB. Ah, Foob. Ah, plot wrap-up. Ah, family’s livelihood is saved by that book. Though, as was mentioned by some keen mind on Monday, the book was bought with blood: He saved it instead of helping the Kelpforths. I mean, yes, being non-Pattersons in FOOB, they are quite nasty, but honestly. Oh, well. Good thing about the book being published: it caps off a plot thread. Not that many left now before The FOOBiverse is dismantled. Not that many.
Steve S
January 31st, 2007 at 2:28 am [Reply]

To continue the analogy presented by Les’s joke, Lisa’s appeals will probably run out sooner rather than later. The same is true of Funky Winkerbean itself.
Mibbitmaker
January 31st, 2007 at 2:47 am [Reply]

RMMD: “Aw, c’mon Elv—– NOOO!! HELLLLP! Where is that stupid June, anyway?! It’s only been a whole wee—–NO, ELVIS!! NOT THE HOT POKER…!!”

JP: Yikes, Rachel’s suddenly the father from “The Waltons” in the last panel! Whaa’???

MW: “Oh, sure, Mary. Sure, I can help Jeff on the telephone from far, far away in a foreign country where I can’t see him or offer any physical medical activity or even a secondary diagnosis based on such contact! Yeah, that’s no problem or anything.”

MT: Morgan: “So I’m basically just stuck with those tree-downing rats, right? Dammit! God, at least it can’t get any worse! Uh, what, Trail? Oh, the funnies….. For Better orrrrr……….mmm…..Mike…..book…………….. contract…………….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Ubiq
January 31st, 2007 at 2:47 am [Reply]

That operates on the assumption that Funky Winkerbean has an appeal left.

Anyway, to further continue the bad analogy, I offer you a line from the eventual eulogy: “The Warden just called. He missed breakfast, so can you hand her an egg and some bacon before you flip the switch?”
Randy S
January 31st, 2007 at 2:48 am [Reply]

FW: Wait a minute… the governor called and said “Not yet”???

The governor sounds like a sadistic prick…
Lydia
January 31st, 2007 at 3:01 am [Reply]

The police will be more than happy to take May, too.
Mibbitmaker
January 31st, 2007 at 3:08 am [Reply]

FOOB: Honestly, just a glance at this one while opening the paper to the comics section filled mr with dread. It’s like when I saw the pre-available Liz leaves Mtiggroan with Warren strips online.

So this pretentious popinjay and his book of syntax-puffing twaddle about some woman who is the very definition of his heart and soul and spleen and kidneys and the heavenly superior to him, us, and his entire gender, an angel better than the Gods Themselves (gaaaaaaaaasp!) ……is getting instant publication in as implausible a manner as a Ross Perot paranoid fantasy on speed???

I think the philosopher Scaduto said it best when he opined: “WHAAAAAAAAAAA’???!!!”
Mike P
January 31st, 2007 at 3:12 am [Reply]

Today is not a day of death in the comics, but a day of love and new life. Fresh beavers, healthy women, and happiness abound! Especially when you combine the first two!
Mibbitmaker
January 31st, 2007 at 3:12 am [Reply]

#21: That should be “me”, not “mr”. Hey, in FOOBland, that error would get its own 5-figure book deal with an option for 10 sequels.
Lynngineering
January 31st, 2007 at 3:18 am [Reply]

FOOB: It begins, we are watching the slow formation of the black hole, or at least the end of space-time continuum as we know it FBoFW.

The Michael “precision clockwork” of events is a giveaway that this has become Michael’s comicstrip, as Lynn has suggested it will be. Not only Michael’s comicstrip, it is his dream in fact, we have entered into his particular Patterson take on the world: Liz has become a big doo-doo head, what else would a brother want after all these years for his tormenting sister, and April is actually now moved up the ladder to a sort of normal sister he wanted in fact; Mom and Dad are demanded to give him the house they built, so he can just inherit now and send them off to Grandpa Jim land; Deanna is going to be quiet, and just play mother or else, and the kids, well they are so unimportant we just keep up with widdle Mewidith, was there another one? Then there is Weed, who stole that f**kin doll again, and apparently is persona-non grata, but he will get his comeuppance in Michael’s fantasy strip.

It’s so apparent this is all his dream. Michael is in the hospital since the fire, in a coma. So in his dream-strip, yesterday he was “dispossessed”, today a magic letter arrives. It’s waaaay too precise, with the amount they want to give (no lawyers and haggling in Canada, no sirreee, and for a first time author they want to actually pay something respectful for an ADVANCE – an ADVANCE folkss….) Watch as everything will solve itself in clean story arcs of which only someone’s coma-driven fantasy could possibly rationalize.

That would explain the concept of having Michael having “flashbacks” in the up and coming new style strip. Everything is in one plane of reality now. Poor guy.
Dub Not Dubya
January 31st, 2007 at 3:22 am [Reply]

17 Mibbitmaker: Yeah, I thought that was the dad from the Waltons in JP, too. Great minds. Also, perhaps Mary Worth should give Bill Frist a call, for those long-distances diagnoses.

As to FOOB, a lovely scenario just popped into my mind: Mikey is all happy about his book contract, but then he reads it to the end and sees the words, “April Fools!” Everyone is confused by this until a hysterically laughing April appears from around the corner and asks how he liked her little joke. Mike goes into a rage, takes out a gun and kills the entire family and then himself. Except April escapes because she’s the actual voice of the Curmudgeons. End of strip!
Trilobite
January 31st, 2007 at 3:30 am [Reply]

Revelations for the week to come:

A3G: Blond uber-dork Gary finally gets boring old spinster Tommie’s attention. They spend a solid four hours on a streetcorner talking about how their haircuts are practically identical, then without a word separate and return to their dreary apartments to watch their roommates actually do things. Meanwhile, director Neil is revealed to be billionaire industrialist Tony Stark; he gets drunk and destroys the theatre with a poorly-aimed repulsor ray blast, leaving Gina unemployed and homeless.

Mary Worth: Dr. Ling provides an expert diagnosis over the phone: from the description Mary gives of her hotel room, Vietnam has gone over to a tacky turquoise-and-magenta color scheme! Dr. Cory must therefore be suffering from Interior Decorator’s Madness, a disease similar to rabies in that it is associated with hydrophobia, except it is also entirely made-up! The cure is for Mary to come back to the US and ride Dr. Ling like a pony! …Surprisingly, Mary doesn’t ask for a third opinion after hearing this, and simply packs her back to give the mysterious Dr. Ling the kind of action poor Jeff Cory can only dream about. Some dudes just have that kind of phone voice.

FOOB: The dog eats the contract, the publishing house goes bankrupt, Deanna freaks out and chops up Liz and Elly and John with a chainsaw one morning, joining the growing ranks of Canadian multiple-murdering cannibals. Mike declares the result “the tastiest meatloaf I’ve ever eaten.” Also, everyone gets cancer. And then are run over by monster trucks. And their carcasses are left for the vultures. The vultures die, too.

Phantom: The plot takes a strange twist as the Phantom and his diminutive buddy Guran spend the next two weeks’ worth of strips discussing their bad dreams in a deadly game of one-upsmanship. Guran wins with his “drowning in tapioca pudding while wearing an off-the-shoulder ecru gown with black opera gloves,” narrowly defeating the Phantom’s “I was fighting evil and suddenly noticed the stripes on my butt were slanted the opposite direction“.

Good stuff on the way, huh?
Milo Bloom
January 31st, 2007 at 3:37 am [Reply]

OH JESUS GODDAMN will you look at the second panel of RM,M.D. See that… people, that cannot be a mistake. NOBODY could draw and color that without realizing how terrifying it looks. Something evil has happened here.
I was trying to figure out what it could be, but a few seconds later, I caught myself guffawing at that last panel in Mark Trail, and I realized: The universe is angry with us. We have laughed at beaver jokes. I don’t know about anyone else, but that is not the kind of person I want to be.

So, in a way, I’m GLAD the devil decided to possess a panel of Rex Morgan, M.D. I don’t know what his nefarious plans are with the comics page, but for me, it serves as a reminder of what my soul looks like when I laugh at the first name “Dick.”
Mibbitmaker
January 31st, 2007 at 3:40 am [Reply]

More 1/31:

Zits: with Jeremy Duncan as Radar O’Reilly

A3G: with Tommie Thompson as Elizabeth Patterson

Crankshaft: Actually, his blood type is O so very negative!

Buckets: Dad should worry; the boys are starting to hang around with Hugo Chavez!
t.a.m.s.y.
January 31st, 2007 at 3:45 am [Reply]

“I’m pleased you’re thinking of the girls, but…” But what, Abbey? Don’t ruin the moment. Between your husband’s nonexistent sex drive and Randy’s flaming homosexuality, you may never have a chance to say that again.
AppleGirl
January 31st, 2007 at 3:46 am [Reply]

Another true fact from my real life:
I know a guy named Woody Johnson.
lettuce
January 31st, 2007 at 4:20 am [Reply]

FOOB: What if we learn all these last few years was just the neuron-flameout of Farley’s oxygen-starved brain, just after saving April from the creek?

We’d hopefully discover that Farley was to survive, but upon realization of the future-to-be, he bit hard on his poison-filled back molar.
lesles
January 31st, 2007 at 4:34 am [Reply]

#26 trilobite – ah, the cunning dr. ling! i would’ve sworn mary didn’t know anything about him. he may give mary ideas that will give jeff some really terrifying nightmares.
Timbo
January 31st, 2007 at 5:59 am [Reply]

Okay while we are on the subject, my son goes to Johnson elementary school and I tell everyone he attends Johnson School. My wife thinks that is sooooo funny either that or I’m retarded.

JP: I’ve finally figured out who Rachel looks like… George Plimpton. I’ve never seen the two together.
Papa
January 31st, 2007 at 6:13 am [Reply]

#33. I wonder if that might have something to do with Plimpton being deceased?

More information about the late George Plimpton can be found on the Internet.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 6:17 am [Reply]

Uncle Lumpy, I think you missed the theme – today is deux ex machina Wednesday:

FW: Lisa’s cancer is in TOTAL remission! BAM! Medical science takes it up a notch!

FOOB: $25,000 dollars (Canadian dollars admittedly, although Bombcar was far too generous on the exchange rate) drops into Patterson’s lap about a week after sending off his manuscript (and in this Ms. Johnson takes us to new heights of unbelivability – NO ONE offers an unpublished writer an advance like that…)

MT: Gosh, if it weren’t for those beavers, we’d be calling the insurance adjustor right now, who, if you had killed the beavers, would have looked at you and said, “You KILLED Nature’s Firefighters? That’s tantamount to ARSON, Mr. Morgan and we do not pay arsonists! Good day! I said GOOD DAY!!”

MW: Evidently, the US doctor has either telepathy or one hell of a broadband connection if he can diagnose some sort of antibiotic-resistant disease over the phone without seeing the patient, or his charts, or his lab work, or his scans, or anything else.

RMMD: May used holy water tears to drive back June the Undead in panel 2. Good thing she was a good Nawleans Catholic and had her tear ducts blessed prior to the Exodus.
Mary Worth Discussion Group
January 31st, 2007 at 6:22 am [Reply]

when I first read MW today… I read Dr. Ling as Darling and wondered who she was calling. Also her right hand appears to be floating n the second panel….What is Ella doing back home?
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 6:27 am [Reply]

Mibbitmaker, I bow to you as you have hit ALL of the high points with optimal snark! The only digression I can offer from your Jerimiad is to note that Aunt Rachel is not George Plimpton (who’s new book about sneaking into the Grim Reaper’s training camp will be available in time for the Christmas buying season). She is instead…

Raju. Look at the schnozz, the eyes! AND the actor who played Raju is still under contract with Wilson for another six months. He’s just an actor of incredible range, a modern Lon Chaney!
Harry Paratestes
January 31st, 2007 at 6:48 am [Reply]

OMG, Tom Batiuk showing hope and optimism in FW? We’re gonna get a double dose of misery ASAP. I bet Les gets hit by a 100 lb chunk of frozen sewage from an airliner, and his wife wakes up the next day with six hairy teats growing on her back.
Ohio Teach
January 31st, 2007 at 7:03 am [Reply]

Of course, Mary is calling Dr. Senator and potential GOP presidential candidate Bill Frist, famed for diagnoses of vegetative viability from afar and for reanimating senile senatorial colleagues. Dr.Cory is in good hands.
smacky
January 31st, 2007 at 7:13 am [Reply]

A3G: That fusebox panel Gary has open in panel one, does it really say LICK on it? Right above the little knob. Someone check and confirm that, please. LICK.
jvwalt
January 31st, 2007 at 7:19 am [Reply]

GA: Hmm. Senator Wilmer threatening to close the diner… he’s apparently the only customer in the joint… three veteran diner staffers, know their way around a set of kitchen knives… Skeezix, easily befuddled co-conspirator…

Tomorrow’s special: Wilmer Stew!

#40: Sorry, that’s not “LICK”… it’s a poorly written “CLICK” sound effect. Although, since Gary looks to be the Designated Loser in this story arc, it’s possible that the theater director has ordered him to turn out the lights with his tongue.
smacky
January 31st, 2007 at 7:24 am [Reply]

FOOB: Okay, for once, Ellie isn’t around the house (and when she’s around the house, she’s around the house, know what I’m sayin’?) when Mike gets this piece of (implausible) news. My question is simply this:

In the last panel, the dad is standing next to his youngest daughter and his granddaughter, correct? So why does he say “our” son? Or did the mom sneak in, wearing the same color top and with her hair styled the same way as her “tween”? Oh wait, I guess those ominous shadows in panel three are the ghosts of the parents materializing. Okay. So then why is Ellie dressed exactly like her daughter? What the hell?
smacky
January 31st, 2007 at 7:29 am [Reply]

(DT)GT: “Gil bet me you’re 50, Mrs. Wyche–and that your dad was a coach.”

Ms. Wyche: “Really? Well my husband bet me you’re a closet lesbian who can’t coach basketball for shit.”
TurtleBoy
January 31st, 2007 at 7:42 am [Reply]

Foob: No. [Margo]ing. Way. Unh-unh. Stephen King gets $25,000 advances. Dean Koontz gets $25,000 advances. Michael f’in’ Patterson would not get a $25,000 advance. Does Lynn Johnston know how measly and insignificant is the percentage of “authors” who actually make a living writing novels? Does she know how much “authors” make?

I’m speechless. The sheer idiocy that is the writing in this strip has sunk to a low in unrealism I’d thought impossible even for Johnston. She makes Elrod look like Steinbeck, Moy like Hemingway.

There oughta be a place in hell reserved for bathetic, clueless, ign’ant hacks like Lynn.
GotFuzzy
January 31st, 2007 at 7:49 am [Reply]

Aaaaaaaaand cue the flaming helicopter through the roof of the Patterson Compound! C’mon, please? No? Crap!

So none of the impeccable English-speaking staff at the modern-looking hospital could point Mary in the direction of another hospital, or the American Embassy where she could get that same information (or if we have not reestablished diplomatic relations, the Canadian Embassy will help)? All she can do is call a random Asian doctor back at Charterstone? But of course!

I am so glad Bucky is taping stuff to himself again, or else this week would be a complete clusterf***.
nicepersonality
January 31st, 2007 at 7:54 am [Reply]

The Phantom storyline has been bugging me for weeks, and I figured out why: the artist just doesn’t know what Mozz actually looks like.
mcmc
January 31st, 2007 at 7:57 am [Reply]

#35 willethompson’s Mark Trail comment rules like no other! It is comment of the year in my heart.

Also, while MW is on the phone to random doctors in America, I wonder if she will think of calling, I dunno, Jeff’s KIDS?

FOOB: What is there to say? Die foobs, die!
Tracer Bullet
January 31st, 2007 at 7:58 am [Reply]

Not yet, my pretty, but I’ll get you and your little dog too. And your nerdy husband with the blue balls.
Basil Wrathbone
January 31st, 2007 at 8:00 am [Reply]

MT: Dick doesn’t know why there are going to be more beavers soon? Why, Dick, there is only one answer–illegal beaver immigration. Quick, build an ineffective wall around your property, then recruit several of your drunken, heavily-armed, red neck neighbors to join your hastily organized Minutebeaver association to keep out the illegal alien rodents before they take the jobs of your citizen beavers.
Lettuce
January 31st, 2007 at 8:01 am [Reply]

#47: Don’t you mean, “The FOOBS, The?
H/T: Sideshow Bob
ohyes
January 31st, 2007 at 8:05 am [Reply]

Well, the beaver pond is already built, and it’s big enough to stop a forest fire – so now we can fire those lazy-ass beavers.
andreavis
January 31st, 2007 at 8:10 am [Reply]

FOOB: Maybe Mike mistook the $25K for an advance; really, it’s a bribe. “We will pay you $25,000 if you promise NEVER to take pen to paper again, you talentless hack!”
Galactic Emperor Chennux
January 31st, 2007 at 8:12 am [Reply]

ATTENTION EARTHERS! CHENNUX COMMANDS YOU IMMEDIATE AND QUIVERING WHAT THE FLURPING ZURTZ?????

CHENNUX HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET HIS NOVEL PUBLISHED FOR EONS AND GETS TO PAPER HIS THRONE ROOM WITH REJECTION NOTICES, BUT THE SPAWN OF PATTERSON GET A FIVE FIGURE ADVANCE WITH HIS FIRST DRAFT?? AND LISA’S CANCER IS GONE?

HMMMMM…

CHENNUX HAS DECIDED! EARTHERS MUST HAVE SOME SORT OF POWERFUL REALITY-DISTORTION WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL! DESPITE URGINGS OF VICE EMPEROR CHENNNEY, WE ARE TEMPORARILY ABANDONING PLANS FOR DESTRUCTION OF EARTH! WALLOW IN YOUR OWN SPACE/TIME ANALOMY CREPULENCE AS BEAVERS PUT OUT FOREST FIRES AND DISEASES ARE DIAGNOSED BY TRANSPACIFIC CALL! YOU DESERVE IT! HAHA!

END TRANSMISSION!
Michael
January 31st, 2007 at 8:15 am [Reply]

Archie: Okay, “big classical literature text” was awful, but at least awful in a funny, who-talks-like-that way. But “shoes with wheels”? Archie has spent fifty years going to sock hops and malt shops, and has never encountered even the concept of roller skates?

Plus, his feet are tiny.
lesles
January 31st, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

yay! josh (and uncle lumpy) have saved us from chennux (for now). could you imagine the sort of trouble we’d be in if this site didn’t exist?
True Fable
January 31st, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

I find FBoFW f’n odiferous.

$25,000 advance to a beginner novelist of purple prose, huh?

Yeah, and I’m the entire defensive line of the Green Bay Packers.

Retire now, Lynn, the Fool Killer is pointing his Truncheon of Doom at you.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 8:23 am [Reply]

#41 jvwalt, #43 smacky, #49 basil – Captain, if we get any more snark, she’s gonna blow for sure! Thanks for making me spit out my tea laughing so hard. You all owe me paper towels.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 8:25 am [Reply]

re: beavers – if bedwetters start fires, do wetbedders put them out?
Squid Countess
January 31st, 2007 at 8:25 am [Reply]

My best friend died in September of 2005 after battling cancer for 20 years. There were several times when she got the news of total remission. “Whew! You’re almost dead, but not yet!” is not the reaction you have when someone you love gets that news. Either Tom Batuik knows the true reaction, and decided to shit on it for the sake of a lame joke in his comic strip, or he has no knowledge at all of loving someone very much and finding out you’re not going to lose them; not today. Whichever is true, Batuik is a total loser.
Jennifer
January 31st, 2007 at 8:29 am [Reply]

Everything beautiful is dead… the last word spoken before beauty died was a whispered, almost inaudible, “Foooooooob…”
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 8:33 am [Reply]

FOOB-omitted last panel of today’s strip:

Michael: “Wait, I read that last part wrong–they need $25,000 from ME, in advance!
Oh well, I’M GOING TO BE PUBLISHED! Dee–you’ve got some money saved up, right?”
jules
January 31st, 2007 at 8:33 am [Reply]

(DT)GT: In real life, if a man places a bet on a woman’s age, she doesn’t take it with good grace and humor. I mean, it’s one thing to ask how old a woman is – that bothers some women, but it’s fine with me – but a BET?! His personal region is about to meet with someone’s knee, that’s what.

FOOB: If John and Elly don’t ORDER Mike to put a down payment on a house at this point…then I don’t know what. “$25,000? Okay, you’re not dispossessed anymore. Get out.”

FW: I’m joining the chorus. WTF?! Did he just make a joke comparing his wife’s remission to a stay of execution? And a temporary one at that (”Not yet”)? His personal region is about to meet with someone’s knee, that’s what.
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 8:34 am [Reply]

Also, do publishers still send contracts out by mail? In big packages? Doesn’t Canada have the internets yet?
Josh (not THE Josh)
January 31st, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

A sneak peak at Michael Patterfoob’s February Diary: I fooled them! I fooled them all, like a chameleon hiding in the gently swaying trees! I knew I couldn’t write a word of prose as magical as the great Canadian authors, but my oblivious (and perhaps illiterate?), loving family gave me their unconditional support. All except Deanna, that she-devil, who tried to pop out enough babies to keep me from my ultimate goal, of writing a crap novel about the Kelpforths. But the sobering reality hit me like a flock of wayward geese when they started that fire with their cigars just before Christmas – they wanted to destroy the novel because they realized that they were the only thing that made it readable. I was going to save them before the fire department showed up, but I thought the manuscript about them would be more important. Besides, I’d agreed to cut them a share of my ludicrous advance in exchange for them acting like total jerks to my family and our Jew landlady – if I’d saved them, I wouldn’t have TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO MYSELF right now. Ha ha! Thanks, Lynn Johnston, for making me a genius! Let’s hope Lizardbreath marries Anthony now so I can write my thriller about her getting locked in his S&M basement.

Happy February!
ragthetiger
January 31st, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

OK, someone please tell me what Frazz whispered in the kid’s ear that provoked that kind of reaction. The only other term I know of for “held back” is “left back”. Obviously I’m missing something.
jules
January 31st, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

OBH: The joke is dumb. But I love the homage to Peanuts: look how Ruthie is holding that cat! I always loved Frieda and her apparently-boneless cat. :)
Squawk
January 31st, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

JP: Abbey’s Ronald McDonald hair color makes me uneasy.
ragthetiger
January 31st, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

Oops, sorry. Meant to add this re: Frazz:

http://www.comics.com/comics/frazz/index.html
Corbie
January 31st, 2007 at 8:47 am [Reply]

I see Willem Dafoe is continuing his cameo appearance in Judge Parker….
Artist formerly known as Ben
January 31st, 2007 at 8:49 am [Reply]

#19, I was thinking the same thing.

“Oh, but rest assured Lisa, your slow and wasting death will come. And when it does, you will suffer.”

Thanks a bunch, Les.
Coffeeclash
January 31st, 2007 at 8:51 am [Reply]

Much as I am entranced by Mary’s desire to play doctor with Jeff on multiple levels, I must express my astonishment that Rachel turns out to be the reincarnation of a well-known American humorist. I didn’t know she had it in her.
Calico
January 31st, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

MT – Yes, Theo and Casty did indeed earn their halos! (Check the little ring-like clouds above each head.) I love them. And babies on the way! Wave of endorphins surrounds me, until I read…

FW – I think Tom Batuik really needs some SSRIs. That governor “joke” almost made me sick to my stomach – trying and failing miserably to equate a death sentence/execution with a terminal disease. Badly written, and inappropriate.

RM – June is in her “Billy Crudup makeover” mode in panel 2. Who will she be tomorrow? Steve Buscemi?
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 8:59 am [Reply]

Garfield and RMMD’s May and Luanne

Garfield
JD takes a lot of (margo) for his slavishly robotic renditions of Garfield et al. But even if he occasionally recycles images (or just has a surplus Silicon Research Crimson Reality Engine draw it) you ahve to admit that *sometimes* he comes through with a totally appropriate panel that surely has never been repeated before and (we hope) will never be repeated again. For instance, check out panel 2.

http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/1/31&name=Garfield

JPMD
In JPMD, just what kind of hospital is May in anyway? A hospital that wraps a bandage around the unshaved head of a concussion and burn victim.

Luann

I’m asking myself, given that most of the available women in the strip are either underage or married or relatives or 2 out of 3, our new soldier hunk actually has a limited number of choices if he wants tome quick “on leave” action. In fact, the only candidate that comes to mind is… Tony!

She likes the hunky type, and what a set-up for a new Brad confrontation.

Plus there is a realistic chance that Tony’s ex-con B/F could get clocked and locked by a genuine American hero.
Dennis Jimenez
January 31st, 2007 at 9:02 am [Reply]

MT – I think you’ll have several more beavers around here soon, dick. Priceless, Elrod.
athena
January 31st, 2007 at 9:05 am [Reply]

#61: Brilliant!

Actually, it’s not unheard of for a first-time novelist to get a $25K advance if the book fits into a commercial genre (The Devil Wears Prada, I think, got the author a decent advance). And folks like Stephen King get much bigger advances than $25K.

But it is unheard of for a publishing company to notify the author of said advance by mail. I’ve been to Canada, so I know they have phones up there…
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

The Diary of Michael Patterson–31 January 2007

As I held the crisp white envelope in my hands, a warm glow engulfed my very being. It was clear to me now; a single, unbroken chain of events from Deanna’s accident in high school to the searing conflagration that almost took my life, was but a winding road leading to this moment.

The postman had smiled a knowing smile. Did he know the package he bore contained my destiny? Or was it just the cheery afterglow of his breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup, the one that always reminded him of his mother and his childhood in Saskatchewan?

For what seemed an eternity, I held the contract in my hands. Black letters on white paper. How many thousands of sheets of paper had passed through my hands? Hands that were, only moments before, the hands of a man dispossessed! But now they were the hands of a writer! These are the hands that had wrought the words that would soon touch the lives of thousands, perhaps millions!

The road winds on now. I know not where it will lead. From Milborough to London, Sturgeon Falls and perhaps as far a Spruce Narrows. Wherever it leads I know I will have my family beside me, my words in my mind and my Canada in my heart.
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 9:10 am [Reply]

Beaver paternity and Canadian advances

MT
The only scenario that makes any sense is that Castoria was already pregnant when she met Lucky. Poor Lucky, doomed to rejection and humiliation by all who he loves.

FOOB
Michael is a published author (and in fact a publisher himself, so it can be assumed he has a lot of good contacts), so it is just barely possible that he could get that kind of an advance. I’m wondering if he used an agent though. You’d think he would have to. Maybe (off stage) the agent has been shopping some preliminary chapters. It’s possible to sell a novel “naked” but very very rare, and never quick.

Of couse, LJ is writing for the zillions of readers who know nothing about the publishing industry, so she’s entitled to use poetic license (the same kind that lets Star Wars have explosions in space and FTL) (the same kind that explains the gag writer process in Studio 60).

Or maybe it is a practical joke by April.
Dennis Jimenez
January 31st, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

JP – Rachel looks a lot like Robert Frost in panel two.
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 9:17 am [Reply]

Wow! I just got a “cheque” for $25,000 from a publisher in Canada.
Said he read my previous post and thinks it could be a best seller!
MaryDT
January 31st, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

Doesn’t this Jeff doctor have two kids who are also doctors? I seem to remember about a month ago they were laughing at Mary for being so worried about their father. So Mary calls another doctor back home and not the kids? Not even to tell them their father is ill? Oh wait, this is probably Mary’s moral way of punishing them for not being as worried as Mary about their father and HA HA!!! Mary was, as always, RIGHT.
Squid Countess
January 31st, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

#65 – I’d say Frazz whispered something like, “She’s going to torture you for another year!” It’s not a play on the term “held back”, it’s a play on the idea that the kid thinks if you do a bad job, you get fired. It never occurred to him if he did a bad job, he’d have another year of the same. Till Frazz whispered it to him.
mattt
January 31st, 2007 at 9:29 am [Reply]

#40 – It doesn’t say LICK on the fusebox. That’s the sound effect “click” as Gary flicks a switch inside.
ColoZ
January 31st, 2007 at 9:30 am [Reply]

Rachel is Lloyd Bentsen.
Who is also dead.
doug rogers
January 31st, 2007 at 9:30 am [Reply]

MW. There’s not nearly enough traffic on that Hanoi street.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
January 31st, 2007 at 9:36 am [Reply]

17, 25: Dammit Dub Not Dubya, you beat me to the Bill Frist joke. That’s what I get for, like, sleeping occasionally and having a job.
reader-who-posts
January 31st, 2007 at 9:38 am [Reply]

JP: “I was looking forward to knowing you better.” Cue the porno music!

MT: “Well, you see, once other beavers learn how much these beavers like being around Dick, other beavers will find being near you attractive.”
benro
January 31st, 2007 at 9:38 am [Reply]

FOOB – On closer inspection, Michael sees that the package is not from a publisher, it is from Publisher’s Clearinghouse. And the fine print on the check says “You may have already won”
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 9:39 am [Reply]

Les’s “Not yet” confirms for me that the guiding philosophy behind Funky Winkerbean is “Everyone gets to die, honey, it’s just that some of us have to wait longer than others.”
reader-who-posts
January 31st, 2007 at 9:39 am [Reply]

FW: I think Les is disappointed in the news. That’s why he’s making her sit in the cold while her immune system is down due to the chemo. If cancer won’t take her, maybe pneumonia will!
Albatross
January 31st, 2007 at 9:42 am [Reply]

The nightmare that is FOOB continues today. Michael gets “a package from some publishing company” notifying him that he is being published and receiving a substantial advance.

I would mock this “publishing company” for lacking phones, e-mail, or the balls to convey good news in a more direct fashion than third-class post, except I can easily imagine their terror of any closer involvement with this twisted family. Sure Michael’s book detailing the obsession with the Kelpfroths that drove him to clog their toilet and burn down their apartment will be a best seller – but is it worth the awful experience of actually hearing his family in the background on the telephone?

And how awful IS his family? Their down-on-his-luck writer son receives his very first book contract — a dream of publication that few aspiring writers ever experience — and his parents prove unable to share his joy. Instead they gripe wryly about the disruption to the emotional balance within their overcrowded home caused by their son’s understandable jubilation.

The cause for their chagrin is obvious, of course. Given yesterday’s strip infantilizing their adult daughter, and the eagerness with which they reabsorbed their son and his whole family, it is clear that the FOOB parents are emotional vampires devoted to controlling their offspring in order to suck them dry of the human emotions for which they hunger. I won’t be surprised if April decides to start a glass menagerie in the next strip…
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 9:44 am [Reply]

Later, Mark Trail explained the concept of castor fecundity to Dick Morgan in these words:

“How much beaver could a beaver dick, Dick, if a beaver could dick beaver, Dick?”
dreadedcandiru2
January 31st, 2007 at 9:44 am [Reply]

FBoFW: Lynn Johnston is so in love with the Deus ex Machina as a plot device, she should have made an honest woman of herself and just had Zeus or Poseidon show up and dictate to the Foobs her preordained resolution to their story-arcs.
Calico
January 31st, 2007 at 9:47 am [Reply]

Just read FOOB -what the hell is John talking about? Should Mike be sullen and negative?

Why didn’t they CALL Mike instead of mail him a package that Apwil conveniently “forgot to tell him about, it’s from a PUBLISHING COMPANY”? Nice passive-agressive move on St. Mike, o sweet sister.

Dysfunction Anonymous, here we go again.
Spegs
January 31st, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

FOOB: As someone who works in the publishing industry, $25K is not that uncommon an advance. Even for a first time author–if the book has the potential to sell. (That plagerizing Harvard girl Viswanathan got a $500K two-book deal for her debut novel.) And a Stephen King-level author can get millions in advance.

Having defended FOOB (which makes me want to take a shower), I can also say that it NEVER happens like that. The idiot SHOULD have an agent, who would tell him on the phone that there was someone interested in his crappy novel, and then they would negotiate the terms of the deal weeks before he would ever see a contract. They don’t print off those 30-page monsters lightly. Then they’d negotiate the contract itself for a long while–sometimes upwards of a year–before he ever saw a dime.

I am not entertained enough to willingly suspend my disbelief.
Drewbob
January 31st, 2007 at 9:56 am [Reply]

FOOB: I think the better story line would be Michael spending the entire advance on blow and hookers rather than a house. It could be any illegal substance really. But the hookers are a must.
Meanwhile
January 31st, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

June has always looked like a Nagel to me. in fact, the first time I ever read RMMD, I thought to myself, “What’s up with the totally 80s Nagel chick?” I have also thought that to myself every subsequent time I’ve read RMMD.

Then again, sometimes I think that to myself at random intervals throughout the day for no apparent reason.
Justafoob
January 31st, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

A $25K advance?

Now we KNOW that his book is crap.

Anything that might sell should get six figures.
Foobar
January 31st, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

Reality-
Hanoi Doctor: He has malaria. He’s extremely dehydrated and delerious, but if we start him on a quinine regimen, and he gets plenty of rest and fluids he should be just fine.

Mary Worth-Vision:
Savage: Oh, honolable Maly Wolth, we defer to biddy wisdom! Carr Doctol Ring before he pelish from Ching Chong Fever!
zeeba
January 31st, 2007 at 10:06 am [Reply]

1/31

JP: bleah. Geez, Abbey, you’re already independently wealthy. You don’t need to butter up the old lady to get mentioned in her will.

MT: “You were lucky to have that lucky beaver pond built by the beaver named Lucky, Mr. Morgan.”

OBH: http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/1/31&name=One_Big_Happy

More information on determining a cat’s sex can be found on the internet.

RIR (Rose is Rose):
http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/1/31&name=Rose

..must….kill…Pasquale…now

Pluggers:
http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/1/31&name=Pluggers

Only Pluggers eat ice cream out of the carton??? I thought everyone did that!!
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 10:06 am [Reply]

Maybe Michael’s book will be choosen for the Eau-Pragh book club (”Ainsi, Michael, ceci est votre premier roman ? Quelle Ã©tait votre inspiration ?”)
Or, more likely it will go the same route as Les Moore’s novel in FW.
Craigers
January 31st, 2007 at 10:17 am [Reply]

Only Pluggers eat ice cream out of the carton??? I thought everyone did that!!

No, I think what they mean is that Pluggers buy and eat something called “Ken & Larry’s” ice cream, presumably a good white Christian alternative to those filthy twin Jew-run horrors, Haagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry’s. “I wouldn’t dirty my White bowls with kashrut ice cream, and neither should you!”
britbike
January 31st, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

FW: I may be the only person who read it this way, but I saw it as Lisa having been sure she was going to hear she’d be dead within a month, having trouble believing the good news, and Les gently kidding her to help her believe it. I didn’t see anything cruel about it.
pia Z
January 31st, 2007 at 10:27 am [Reply]

I love how the source of comfort for Cancer Gal’s post-doctor’s appointment is none other than Eugene Levy.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 10:29 am [Reply]

#96 and Uncle Lumpy – (slaps self on forehead) YES! Ever since RMMD got redrawn a few years back, I kept looking at June and going, “Where have I seen this spiky-haired wench before?” It’s not like I have a whole VOLUME of Nagel on the bookshelf next to the Bernie Fuchs and O’Keefe. Sheesh!
Anonymous
January 31st, 2007 at 10:34 am [Reply]

Foob prediction: Due to the success of Mike Patterson’s book, Lynn will be the anti-Funky, and only introduce story lines that have happy endings.

One of Lizzie’s kids at school has a 30 year old attractive billionaire dad who is a widower, who’s into indecicive chicks and flabby bottoms.

John takes a ride on a REAL, LIVE TRAIN and figures out that it’s just like flying, except boring.

Deanna and the kids get their own story line, but Lynn revolks it because of D’s offhand comment about “If that panty-waisted husband of mine took even ten minutes to play with the kids, I wouldn’t have to be SO HIGH STRUNG ALL THE TIME!!”

April’s band wins another battle of the bands, gets a record deal, and a $250,000 advance.

Elle gets a story line that doesn’t have to do with cleaning the house or griping about feeling old. She takes up painting, is discovered by a reknown critic, and receives a $2,500,000 advance.

Grandpa Chinnuts sells his WWII medal on ebay for a $25,000,000 advance.

Then he dies.

This is happy news, because then no one has to see Iris anymore.

Ned Reyerson miraculoulsly comes to life and seeks revenge on those who trapped him in a shithole for three years.
me
January 31st, 2007 at 10:36 am [Reply]

I see they’re using dead turtles as an interesting design element in Mary Worth’s hotel room.
left of the pyle
January 31st, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

I just wanted to give a shout out to Tank McNamara for standing up for my alma mater (Rice) today. Nothing like signing an extension in the morning, entering contract talks with a new employer in the afternoon and accepting the new job 2 days later to prove commitment doesn’t mean much in college football these days.
Anonymous
January 31st, 2007 at 10:40 am [Reply]

#68 – Rag,
I think he said something about “left behind”, and the sort-of-joke refers to the series of religious-themed novels that take place after the rapture foretold in the Book of Revelations. I don’t know why he would have whispered it, since it doesn’t appear as if anyone else is around, and he openly discussed “held back”. Even so, that’s pretty harsh for doing your assignment in pencil vs. pen.
Artist formerly known as Ben
January 31st, 2007 at 10:43 am [Reply]

A3G: Hey Gary, you know she’s an actual girl, right? With actual girl parts and everything. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

OBH: http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/1/31&name=One_Big_Happy

Ruthie considers surfing the internet for hot kitty pr0n. Needless to say, I do not approve.
Anonymous
January 31st, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

101 – Craigers – Pluggers pay $3.99 for a pint of super-premium ice cream.

Yet, have rabbit ear antennae on their tv made of tin foil and wire hangers.
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 10:48 am [Reply]

# 3 — Me too, Ribinin. Do you think we’ll get to see their babies? I hope we’ll get to see their babies. And I hope Dickhead will remember to get the damn fence out soon.

# 5 — Thanks for saying that, Ubiq. And thanks to other CCs who made the same point.

Foob — See, this is where those monthly letters turn Worse into Worst. It would have been bad enough seeing M-dork get that check if I only suspected that his book was dreck. But knowing that it’s such (Margo)ing megadreck that numbered romance novellas look like Hemingway by comparison turns resentment into seething fury.

To the Curmudgeons who are actual writers, I can only offer deep sympathy and the assurance that the rest of us do know that Lynn is tripping again. $25,000 advance for Michael’s opus, yeah, right. Next Liz will be offered a contract to star as the next Bond Girl, April will be invited to tour with the Stones, and Elly will shrink to a size 2.
jules
January 31st, 2007 at 10:48 am [Reply]

#76 Krazy Kat – that was brilliant. I applaud you, sir or madam!
banana
January 31st, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

GOD foob pisses me off!

My mother did manage to get a nice advance on her first novel but it involved tons of negotiations, face to face and on the phone, a kick ass agent…but michael patterson just gets a letter? WTF!!!

sorry I just had to de-lurk for that rant.
Craigers
January 31st, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

Anon 110 : Pluggers pay $3.99 for a pint of super-premium ice cream.

Yet, have rabbit ear antennae on their tv made of tin foil and wire hangers.

You know you’re a Plugger if you have to eat ice cream with your hands, because you wrecked all the spoons cooking up meth.
Dean Booth
January 31st, 2007 at 11:09 am [Reply]

MW: In Hanoi hotels, they leave dead turtles on your pillow instead of chocolate.

Pluggers don’t dirty a bowl when they eat ice cream — they wear Depends. This could have been better illustrated with a chicken eating salad.

PC: This is contrary to Limbaugh, who defines a liberal as someone who disagrees with himself (or, as I like to put it, someone who thinks).

(DT)GT: Hair-to-eyebrow distance clearly reveals dramatic forehead shrinkage between panels 2 and 3. And apparently Lisa has developed a Popeye right arm.
kilgore trout
January 31st, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

Les: “we all walk that green mile, Lisa, it’s just longer for some of us than others…”
Dean Booth
January 31st, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

Oh, and #28 Mibbit, great Crankshaft line!
Red Greenback
January 31st, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

#10 Beauregard Bugleboy- did you attend Sunny Hills HS in Fullerton, Ca. (mid 60’s) I had classes there with Dick Beavers AND Shirley Hiscock!

BTW, are you related to Antoine Bugleboy, renowned maker of jeans?
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

#111 Poteet

Say what you will about my reading (DT)GT, your reading the monthly FOOB letters so I donâ€™t have to is an act of supreme valor. I clicked on them once and about thirty seconds later all the air rushed out of the room and I blacked out. Courage, thy name is Poteet.
Ned Ryerson
January 31st, 2007 at 11:30 am [Reply]

Ned Reyerson miraculoulsly comes to life and seeks revenge on those who trapped him in a shithole for three years..

Anonymous (#105):

The doll’s name is Ned Tanner. I’ve been in my shithole a lot longer than that.
Old Fogeyette
January 31st, 2007 at 11:30 am [Reply]

#24 Lynngineering, I think you nailed it. When I first read the strip today, I just assumed it was a dream. Having toiled many years in the publishing vineyards, I have learned that if and when a publisher is interested (and it usually takes many weeks to hear anything), the editor either calls or sends a letter FIRST. Then there is haggling over amount (which for a first novel you are lucky to get more than three figures). And finally, usually after several more weeks, the contract arrives, heavy with clauses that are designed to suck all the good-feeling out of having just sold a book. (Props to 94 Spegs; I wrote this before I read your post.)

I’m very comfortable with this new way of looking at this and the future FOOB: as a coma-induced dream. After my brother’s first coma, he told me about a very long and complex life he had lived before he woke up. It was similar to his real life, but also markedly different in many ways, overall joyous, and when he realized he was going to have to leave it to return to reality, he didn’t want to.
Foobaphobe
January 31st, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

95: You are correct. And True Foobers know that Michael’s interest in “hookers” would be strictly limited to male prostitutes; preferably those who remind him of Weed and are willing to work Ned into their routine.
Foobaphobe
January 31st, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

Speaking of FOOB:
Aren’t we assuming too much in thinking that the book Mike’s getting the advance for is necessarily the squalid story of the spawning war bride of Saskatoon? Maybe he also penned a raunchy tale involving his fantasies which incorporates Lawrence, Weed, Ned, Michael, and, yes, Anthony into one heaving, sweaty mass.
MossMoses
January 31st, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

I like Dick Morgan’s “why do you say that” remark.

Duh, Dick Morgan is not necessarily a mensa scholar, is he? Maybe Mark Trail needs to explain the birds and the beavers to him. Lucky is really quite the stud. He knocked Castoria up in no time and still had plenty of busy beaver energy left to build and rebuild the dam.
Mad Dog Rackham
January 31st, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

â€œI think youâ€™ll have several more beavers around here soon, Dickâ€

Oh come on now, who talks encouragingly like that to their…ummm…never mind. I guess he was actually talking to the other guy in panel 3.
MossMoses
January 31st, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

Dr. Ling? Ling in mandarin means zero.
Gal Friday
January 31st, 2007 at 11:42 am [Reply]

#83 ColoZ Yes, I was thinking of Lloyd Bentsen (RIP)–but in connection to FOOB after hearing about the LJ interview mentioned yesterday by True Fable and Saxman where she says:

â€œI wanted to retire completely,â€ says Johnston, who has never taken a break from the strip. Her thinking always was, â€œIf Charles Schulz can do it, so can I,â€ she said, referring to the creator of Peanuts, who drew his strip for just short of 50 years, giving it up only weeks before he died Feb. 12, 2000.

LJ, I knew Charles Schulz, Charles Schulz was a friend of mine. You are no Charles Schulz!

FOOB: Actually, what is happening is that the publisher said they’d publish Mike’s novel if HE paid THEM $25,000. It’s a vanity press.

FW: I’m sorry, I think Les’s “joke” is horrible. Must _ stop _ reading _ FW.

MW: Oh, she called Dr. Ling. For a while there, I thought Mary was going to get medieval on some Asians. (With apologies to Quentin Tarantino.)
gump worsley
January 31st, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

Not only did Mike Patterson get that $25K package from a Canadian publisher, he got this great e-mail from a former Nigerian finance minister.
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

You didn’t ask for it
You don’t want it
But here it is
Ned Tannerâ€™s Website
Dennis Jimenez
January 31st, 2007 at 11:50 am [Reply]

126 – In Madarin, tang means sugar. I think Dr. Jeff caught something, after going after a little tang.

Pour some sugar on me, Melly Wuth.
mon-ma-tron
January 31st, 2007 at 11:51 am [Reply]

Comment #2 + All that Nagel ’80s talk + More Zippers, Mule! = (Frankie Say) MORE BEAVERS!
Donald The Anarchist
January 31st, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

I like the little “Circle Of Life” thing going on, with everything from people on their deathbed to promises of recovery to, of course, the new life only beavers could bring into this world. But I’m disappointed. There’s got to be a gazillion comic strips out there, and you couldn’t find AT LEAST ONE with someone’s death in it? Just goes to prove comic strips are even less realistic than TV.

Of course, there’s always “Rudy Park”, but that guy’s been dead for weeks by now…
Sheilagh
January 31st, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

I always thought you got the advance before you wrote the book, even. Assuming you were somebody important, like, say, Henry Kissinger.
Ham Gravy
January 31st, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

Foob: Why does everyone go around in their socks? This whole comic strip smells like stinky feet.
fonebone
January 31st, 2007 at 11:58 am [Reply]

Thought I’d pop out of lurking to wish everyone a happy National Gorilla Suit Day!

All hail Don Martin…..

http://www.povonline.com/National%20Gorilla%20Suit%20Day.htm

(sorry– I don’t know how to html this into an actual link–hope this works)
Dactyl
January 31st, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

Does anyone else get the feeling that Jack Elrod woke up a few weeks ago, realized that on a hallucinogenic high he had been writing about Lucky Beaver and his girlfriend for the past eight weeks, and thought “shit! I have to move on quickly before someone notices the double entendre!” And that this realization left us with the lightning-speed “Beaver Pond Saves the Day” story?
I’m just saying – it’s a better explanation than any others I can think of for this story, or for it’s ending. That is to say, none.
Gal Friday
January 31st, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

That’s THEODORE Beaver, for the last time!
Ribinin
January 31st, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

FOOB: One hates to defend Michael in any way, but I must say that the first time I got actually paid for writing something I was extraordinarily pleased. The reality of the writing quality is not part of the moment of recognition.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

#131 Mon-ma-tron: I hate you, but in a good way. I was sketching up a ‘more beaver’ T shirt (with the same word emphasis as yours, damn your eyes!) but you got there first. Very, very nice.

People! Go click on the link in #131. I’d buy one.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

BTW – I’d put the orange two-tome screen graphic behind the type. The CafePress people print digtially, so you can use all the Crayolas without having to worry abour separations or trapping.
LittleGuy
January 31st, 2007 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

FOOB: Somewhere in Canada, Margaret Atwood is weeping.

Curtis: I thought Derrick and Onion were caught by the higher-ups bullying Curtis.
Uncle Lumpy
January 31st, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

#141 LittleGuy -

You mean, of course, “Onion.”
LittleGuy
January 31st, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

Upon further review, according to Yahoo Finance as of today:

$25,000 CDN = $21,190.03 US
LittleGuy
January 31st, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

142 – Uncle Lumpy:

Sorry, Lynn Johnston bought up all the extemperaneous quotes on the internet.
Jeff
January 31st, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

Mike got the C$25,000 advance because his book includes naughty pictures of Deanna…
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

#142 UL – don’t you mean (margoquotes) ” Onion ” (closemargoquotes)?
Jeff
January 31st, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

Re: #44 – be nice to Michael, Turtleboy. Now that he’s a big-time published author you’d better keep your place or he’ll go all Michael Chrichton on your ass.

You want his next book’s serial pedophile main character named Turtleboy? Huh? Do you?!
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

#141 LittleGuy

And Robertson Davies is spinning in hs grave.
cheech wizard
January 31st, 2007 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

Michael is mistaken. The envelope is actually from Canadian social services, which the publisher alerted after reading his manuscript and concluding it was the work of an imbecile. The check is his first annual independent living stipend.
Allie Cat
January 31st, 2007 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

Foob: Boy that’s subtle – yesterday, Meredith asked when they’d get to go home, and today, Mike gets a nice chunk of change. It’s almost like…destiny!

A3G – So, Gina’s been insulting to Tommie every time she opens her mouth – why is Tommie going to go party with her? I mean, I know it’s so she can meet up with Larry/Gary, but I don’t think I’d go drinking with someone like Gina. I’ll bet she orders Amaretto Sours at a beer joint.
Jeff
January 31st, 2007 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

Re: #129 – I checked the site, and now I am about to poke out my mind’s eye with a sharpened pencil!

Why does a rubber doll need multiple changes of poka-dot boxer shorts?

And nipples?

And armpit hair?

Thanks for leaving me an emotional amputee, Krazy Kat. A pox on you!
Ham Gravy
January 31st, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

Mary calls Dr Ling, because, you know, he’s Asian and all. She figures Asians all know each other, or they’re all related or something.
Christopher
January 31st, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

136. Dactyl:

No way man, Elrod HAS to be doing this on purpose, by now.

I refuse to believe that such a volume of double entendres could be accidental.

Especially today’s.

Mallard Fillmore:

So, wait, Mallard Fillmore was responsible for getting Dean into the primaries?

9 Chickweed Lane:

Hmm… nope, he can Ambrose Bierce it up as much as he wants, but I still refuse to like Thorax.

Popeye:

? ? ? ?

Yeah, I have the same reaction Olive does. what the heck is Popeye talking about? I swear, it’s like he speaks finnish and uses a computer to translate.
LittleGuy
January 31st, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

145 – Jeff:

Mike got the C$25,000 advance in spite of his book including naughty pictures of Deannaâ€¦

As the meme goes: DO NOT WANT!
Andy
January 31st, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

“In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.” (Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel.)

I don’t think Mr. Davies meant this as a guideline, Mike.
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

#155 Andy

Thanks for that. I still can’t believe he didn’t get the Nobel Prize.
MossMoses
January 31st, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

142. “Onion” is actually written as ‘Onion’ today, as in Derrick and ‘Onion’. Is Ray Billingsley referring to “Onion” of Derrick and “Onion”, or is ‘Onion’ another bully who steals Curtis Wimpkins’ lunch?
LittleGuy
January 31st, 2007 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

More deserving of 25K-CDN:

http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/meet_the_gang/images/strips/f4a6.gif
Howland Owl
January 31st, 2007 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

9 Chickweed Lane: “Asinine Stupidity”: the variety of logic resulting in strips like today’s.
Craigers
January 31st, 2007 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

MossMoses in #155 raises the intriguing possibility that there is some sort of nested series of bullies in Curtis, each of which is named after the last one in the series. That is, “Onion” is named after `Onion’, and likewise there is a bully named after “Onion” named “`Onion”’.

All of this raises the possibility of there being a level-zero bully, or ur-bully if you like, whose name is simply Onion. Of course, it may be that even Onion isn’t the ur-bully, and that he himself was named after some other bully who called himself Leek or something.

Fascinating, this topic of nested Onions.
NEW-ME
January 31st, 2007 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

The check is a big mistake!! It is not written to Michael Patterson, but to a Michael Petterson!
Lynngineering
January 31st, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

#121 old fogeyette – I know, I have also heard of such cases with that vivid memory and imagination of full lives while in a coma. The thing is, if Lynn is really going to have Michael be the main character in the new version, and its all about mixing flashbacks to old strips and “timeless” current strips, that’s way more mixed up as the coma-theory. It could give her a way out anyway, with all the lousy writing going down in that strip. She could just answer, “Oh, it’s just him dreaming, no logic really…”
man behind the curtain
January 31st, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

MW — Mary while you’re busy making phone calls, try calling Dr. jJff’s kids. And then call a hospital in California and arrange to get Dr. Jeff Medivaced back to the USofA.
kilgore trout
January 31st, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

9CL vs. Ambrose Bierce:

TRUTH: An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.

FIB: A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar’s nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.

LIAR: A lawyer with a roving commission.

From the Devil’s Dictionary.
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

# 119 — BWAHAHA! Let’s keep protecting each other, gh. I’ll confront the Foobs while you confront the…um…well, whatever those things are in (DT)GT, I’m grateful it’s you and not me.

# 129 — ARRRRGH! I may forgive you, Krazy Kat, but only if the eyeball bleaching works.

# 138 — Ribinin, I’ve read your comments. You’d have to hit yourself very hard on the head with a hammer before you could even approximate Michael’s turgid prose. Michael is getting paid for essentially blowing his nose onto manuscript paper. No need to defend Michael.
kilgore trout
January 31st, 2007 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.

DONKEY: [Sniffs] They stink?

SHREK: Yes. No!

DONKEY: They make you cry?

SHREK: No!

DONKEY: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting’ little white hairs.

SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers! Ogres have layers! Onions have layers.
You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]

DONKEY: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

#162 Lynngineering

So, sort of like Bobby in Dallas, except instead of walking out of the shower, Michael slips and cracks his head open and really dies. Nice twist.
Andy
January 31st, 2007 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

#156: Wow, and I didn’t even notice your earlier mention upthread when I posted.
Randy
January 31st, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

TDIET: “Dorksburg” sums up my feelings towards suburbia nicely.
Chromium
January 31st, 2007 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

This is the first time FOOB has ever made me angry. The strip doesn’t bother me as much as it seems to bother many of you, and I’ve faced the whole Anthony storyline with indifference, but today’s strip is unforgivable. Lynn Johnston: that’s it. You’re done. Nothing can salvage this strip anymore. Consider me among the FOOB haters now.

She’s even managed to be more annoying than Bruce Tinsley, which is quite a feat given that Bruce apparently thinks he is a big name in Washington these days.
andreavis
January 31st, 2007 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

I’m surprised that the Plugger dogwoman wasn’t holding her ice cream tub with an oven mitt, since we all know that’s the best way to keep it from melting while you hork it down in front of the TeeVee. Of course, the chances of the ice cream in dogwoman’s tub lasting long enough to melt are slim to none. SLUURRRP!
Ubiq
January 31st, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

160, an intriguing concept to be sure. What happens to when one of the higher-ups moves to a different school in that system though?

Would “‘Onion’” become simply “Onion” while the latter becomes ‘Onion’? What happens when Leek moves on, does Onion say “I am become Leek, Wedgier of Worlds!” and take over that particular title?
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

I’m sorry, but I really am depressed today. I confess I don’t have the sort of white-hot hatred some do for the strip (I reserve that for Cathy) and usually I see it as a source of amusement, much like MW, but when I saw FBoFW in the paper this morning, I honestly didn’t know if I could come here. Though obviously I did [they keep pulling you back in!]. I mean it’s just the most — and I can’t even say [Margo]ing — the most fucking stupid, pathetic, maudlin piece of shit event yet. It’s like the scene in Sleeper where Woody Allen “wins” the Miss America contest and he’s walking down the runway with the cape and the roses and the crown and he’s blubbering for joy, except Lynn is serious about the whole thing. Absolutely shameless. Christ, what time does the bar open?
Indiebass
January 31st, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

I was happy to see G. Gordon Liddy make an appearance in today’s Sally Forth.
TB Tabby
January 31st, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

Well, that solves the mystery of why Pluggers are so obese and so poor: they spend all their money on cheap knock-off ice cream brands. Although I imagine the Plugger budget leaves enough left over for beer.
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

#170 Chromium

Jeez. I guess the effect kicked in about the same time for both of us!
Blynneda
January 31st, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

I cannot express just how angry I am at Foob. As a writer, I am well aware of the years-long process involved in getting a novel–nay, anything–published for actual money. And yet, here is Mister I-Just-Finished-My-Book-Two-Weeks-Ago-And-Suddenly-My-Editor-Has-Dumped-Sacks-of-Money-on-My-Head with a deal. God. He didn’t even revise his book, either, from the look of it. Just typed “The End” and that was it. It makes me want to vomit foobs.
Concerned Citizen
January 31st, 2007 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

MW – Martha Stewart designed those land mine cozies for Mary’s bed, amazing what you can do with 40 year old armaments. Look out, Mary, it’s a trick! Dr. Ling has been paid by Dr. Jeff to tell her that the only thing that can cure Dr. Jeff is some quickly applied oral sex. No telling where that thing’s been.
commodorejohn
January 31st, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

#113 – It’s a Canadian publisher – they’re all Canada Nice and everything.
I have mixed feelings about this whole “book deal” development, though. On the one hand, it means this stupid plot thread is finally almost over. On the other, it means that the remaining plot threads will have to be stretched out even further to fill the remaining time until FOOBocalypse.
stinky pete
January 31st, 2007 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

Geez, half the comments today are about FOOB, most are unoriginal, few are funny – it’s like reading a year’s worth of Marmaduke in one sitting. NEXT TOPIC!
Non-Shannon
January 31st, 2007 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

#98 Foobar:
I just choked on a piece of coffee cake. Thanks a lot.
But no, really, COTW.
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

#181 stinky pete

We’re purging. Come back tomorrow.
Rhekarid
January 31st, 2007 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

Of course there are Asian doctors! But you’re talking about Mary Worth. She needs white doctors, the only ones who count. And it’s not unusual for the cancer girl in FW to be in remission. How is the strip supposed to make her suffer if she dies?
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

# 179 — Sorry, commodorejohn, but I’m certain we won’t be that lucky. There are too many ghastly possibilities. Michael on the bestseller list. Michael on talk shows. Michael reading wonderful reviews. Michael winning book awards. Michael getting LOTS LOTS more money. (Margo), I just remembered that we don’t even know the title yet, and that alone will cause agony unspeakable.

This is why, months ago, certain Cumudgeons, including me, declared that we hated Michael more than anyone else in Foobville. While others were busy hating Granthony and Liz (not that we didn’t hate them too), we were getting a head start on really really hating Michael. I was hoping that would help me face this wretched inevitable storyline, but nothing can help, not really.

I need chocolate BAD.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
January 31st, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

Y’know, foobulence on the comics page is one thing…but what if LJ decides that it would be a smart marketing move to actually publish “Mike’s” book? Because LJ herself is a known quantity and has a recognizable brand, that book stands a reasonable chance of being published.

Expect a sudden rash of book-reviewer suicides.
gh
January 31st, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

#184 Poteet

You should have held onto the Scotch-flavored Pez . . . but I must say, you were prescient.
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

# 182 — Yeah, gh. What you said.
Lynngineering
January 31st, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

#180 I recall the infamous day when Elly started on Liz in the car coming back from the trial… that day was what, 400 comments? This ain’t nothin…. Wait till Valentine’s Day.
Dicky
January 31st, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

109, Ben OBH: Thank you. I didn’t have the heart to make a crack about “sexing the pussy.”
Foobaphobe
January 31st, 2007 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

#185:
I have a horrible, sinking feeling you are 100% right. “War Bride of the Canadian Plains,” by Michael Patterson and Lynn Johnston. $24.95 (Canadian) wherever fine books are sold.
Then a CD from the Foobiverse: “Shannon…Sings…Sinatra.”
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
January 31st, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

“wherever fine books are sold”? More like “whoever sells this book should be fined”!
ragthetiger
January 31st, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

Thanks Squid Countess (108) and Anonymous (81). It makes a little more sense to me Squidess’s way.
Howard Erk
January 31st, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

Face it.

Michael Patterson can crank out the dreck that the populace craves.

If we didn’t have hack writers like Mike, we would have to go and invent them.

Hopefully Mike will win some awards for his swill so that he will keep on keeping on.

Kinda like Stephen King or John Grisham. . .
cr0wgrrl
January 31st, 2007 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

MT – Perhaps Dick should pursue a new career as a beaver inspector.

FWOFW: Let’s break down this timeline: 1) Michael finishes this novel on Dec. 25th. 2) He’s too good a writer to need to edit his work, so he doesn’t need to take time to revise and re-edit it. 3) Since he doesn’t care about his family or all the emotional and physical work involved in recovering from having your world destroyed by fire, he probably merrily mails it off on Dec. 26th. 4) Since the contract isn’t coming from an agent, but rather a publisher, he must send it in unagented. 5) The mail is lightening-fast, it gets there on the 27th. 6) Because it’s Michael Patterson, editor, he has some publishing cred, so the unsolicited manuscript doesn’t sit on the slush pile of other unagented works. 7) Despite the impending New Year and recovering therefrom, the manuscript is so great it immediately starts going through the grindstone in time to get mailed back to him by the end of the month.

… I don’t buy it. I would much rather have seen him get a personalized rejection letter that suggests that while they have no use for the novel he is submitting, they would be interested in publishing a collection of his humorous essays on family life. It would have been, I don’t know, a little believable, at least comparatively.

Am I the only one to notice that Michael has been so overcome with joy at the sheer ludicrousness of his situation that he has decided to celebrate by choking the life out of Deanna so that she can no longer hold him back?

The parents know that he’s happy on the inside, but that he’s incapable of expressing this joy in a way that doesn’t kill the people around him. They’ve been complicitly aiding his serial killer tendencies for years, hoping he could sublimate it through writing, never realizing that allowing him to live out his psychopathic tendencies through his characters was only fueling the fire.
Lynngineering
January 31st, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

coma…
Islamorada Girl
January 31st, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

First of all, I, for welcome our Subsitute Overlord, Unca Lumpy.

And now I am going to vent my black little heart out over the 1/31 foob, although Spegs did a pretty good reality check. Having published some 40 books in my career with mainstream house, I can’t even begin to talk about the Author’s Fairyland that is Foobville. To begin with, no publishing house will even look at a ms. that is not submitted by an agent, which Purple Prose Boy seems to lack. Second, the agent would have notified him by phone that his piece of sludge had been bought by some teenage editor at
some desperate publishers. Third, the average advance for a first novel is abouy $5,000, not $25K, unless you are acclaimed
by said teenage editor as a hot ticket, and your ms. has been auctioned among several competing publishers.

Since this is Canada, I’m willing to bet Harlequin put a $1K bid on it, with the stipulation that it needs intense revisions to be accepted for publication. Face it, Margaret Atwood he’s not.

And now it’s nine o’clock and time for the author on top of your computer to explode. I realize this is a rapidly sinking comic, and the Saintly Patterson Son should be getting Big Steve King advances according to the Gospel of Lynn, but this is such an enormous load of bullshit that it tops even the hideously scraped together trials of Sheiauuuugh.

Even in the rapidly failing and flailing publishing industry, this is
so unreal that it could only happen to a Saintly Patterson.

You need to choke to death on your own vomitous storyelling abilities, Lynn. You really suck.
cinephile
January 31st, 2007 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

181– Oh, I don’t know– I’ve found a lot of the FOOB letter parodies to be both funny and original. And goodness, if anger (mocking or otherwise) over comic strips bugs you so much, what on earth are you doing coming to a page called “comics curmudgeon”?

My question is about Mallard Fillmore– I know asking for logic from this strip is like asking for decent prose from Mike Patterson, but does anyone know who “walter williams” is? Tinsley’s ‘joke’ would be a lot ‘funnier’ if I could catch this reference.
cinephile
January 31st, 2007 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

Oops– meant to reference comment 180, not 181 in my previous email. Sorry.
Old Fogeyette
January 31st, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

Sheilagh 133: You get an advance before you write the book if you are already a well-published author. It almost NEVER happens that way for newbies.

And like several others who have posted today, that was IT for me too re the Foobs. I am now ready to join the Foobloatharians. Poteet, where do I sign up?
Anonymous
January 31st, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

Incidentally that translates into a bit over $21,000 USD.
Dennis Jimenez
January 31st, 2007 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

Humm – The Foobmaids Tale – $24.95 CAN
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

196:

I’ve had a bunch of non-fiction books published without an agent, but agree that I’ve never personally heard of a first novel being published naked. Even if he is in the biz, it’s doubtful.

Maybe he accidently sent it to a vanity press and misread the contract. he owes *them* $25,000 for the first edition printing and “guaranteed distribution.”

But hey, we want to believe. I don’t think 3 middle income ladies can live large in Manhattan. I don’t think cats can talk. I don’t think a Caucasian “ghost” could last long in sub-Saharan Africa. There is nothing whatsoever that I believe in Mary Worth. Not one thing.

And I bet most readers are thrilled that it worked out for him and don’t even see the holes in the story.

So should I argue that LJ is just giving the people what they want (as opposed to a primer in the publishing world).

Nawwww. I just can’t bring myself to do it. She’s evil.
Dennis Jimenez
January 31st, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

Better yet – The Rubbermaids Tale
Christopher
January 31st, 2007 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

197: I think he’s nominating the creator of Mr Bill for President.
Doc Torr
January 31st, 2007 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

A true story-
My brother used to live in a little town near Pittsburgh, Pa. named Beaver. I thought it would be fun to go into town and see if I could find a liquor store named Beaver Liquors. However, little brother told me the town is dry, that you could not by a drop in town. Alas, there is a dry Beaver, in Pennsylvania.
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

First novel advances

I googled first novel advances and found some interesting hits. Apparently it sometimes happens. Encouraging if I ever stop doing non-fiction and start mine, but not so encouraging that I’m about to quite my day job.

http://www.justinelarbalestier.com/Musings/Musings2004/firstnoveladvances.htm

http://www.tinglealley.com/?p=660

http://www.watt-evans.com/soyouwanttobeawriter8.html

http://www.michaelridpath.com/firstnovel.html

I could find no convergence of the three unlikely events in question: (1) big royalty; (2) no agent; (3) quick response.

BTW, I looked in vain for any web pages describing real talking cats or anything redeeming about Mary Worth.
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

205 Beaver Liquors

According to (where else) the Internet, there are “Beaver Liquors” in both Beaver, Utah and Avon, Colorado.
Craigers
January 31st, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

I know asking for logic from this strip is like asking for decent prose from Mike Patterson, but does anyone know who â€œwalter williamsâ€ is?

Walter Williams is a professor of economics at George Mason in Virginia who has never held public office (or, as far as I can tell, a job in the private sector).

He’s most notable for going on talk shows to complain that blacks whine too much about racism. He also advocates the breakup of the United States (through having states secede from the Union).

He’s obviously an excellent presidential candidate and I can’t imagine why no one is heeding Tinsley’s call to draft him into the race.
IdolsofMud
January 31st, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

#196 and #202: Goddamn right. I’m assuming the person who bought Mike’s book is trying to get fired or destroy the publishing house.

Also — Mike Patterson, hitherto a journalist and magazine writer (which means dip in the fiction world), submits an unsolicited manuscript to a publisher, and gets a reply and a lucrative contract within a month? Someone check the Pattersons’ toilet for Skittles and puppies, because Mike is about as likely to produce that in the bathroom as he is to produce a $25,000 novel.
reader-who-posts
January 31st, 2007 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

FBOFW: The reason John is bothered by Michael’s display is that he knows that $25,000 in Canadian dollars is about $12.75 US.
MossMoses
January 31st, 2007 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

Lost in all the hoopla is ol’ ScrotumChin’s recovery. Couldn’t there be more heartwarming, treacly twaddle about his trials and tribulations? What about his loving airhead caregiver, Iris? She is a saint by association. It is easy for Lynn Johnston to imagine Michael making 25K for his pathetic drivel since she gets $45 CAD for each signed copy of her FOOB dreck. Money for nothing, kicks for free…
Lynngineering
January 31st, 2007 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

Pure coma-dreams: Oprah book-of-the-month club just around the corner for Michael.
jules
January 31st, 2007 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

#185 Gadge, we would have to start a whole new website dedicated to mocking Mike’s book. I volunteer to run it from here at my place of toil.
Shannon
January 31st, 2007 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

Popeye: OK, I haven’t been following it recently, but what in tarnation is going on in this strip?!

TDIET: Today’s “OH YEAH-H-H—” is exceptional. A true treat for the connoisseur of unpronounceable pseudo-stuttering.
Kate
January 31st, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

I am struggling to the surface after two horrendous weeks of work and an eye infection that the docs were afraid would sneak behind my eye socket and into my brain, and what do I see but … 1/31 FOOB.

[holds arms above head, shouting "Help me, Mary! I'm drowning!"]
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

A little more background on Michael Pattersons’s book deal. Apparently Judith Regan
has taken a job with a small publishing house in Canada.
Axel Fusco
January 31st, 2007 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

Maybe Michael will use his new-found riches to hire someone to ease the burden on poor Iris of caring for dear old chinnutz. But I’m not speculating or predicting. It’s just FOOBworld — and I no longer give the tiniest crap about them.
TB Tabby
January 31st, 2007 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

213: Olive Oyl, for some unexplained reason, has been nominated to run for president of Goon Island. She happily accepted. The shaved head and grass-covered limbs are to make her resemble a Goon, and thus make her more attractive to the Goon voters.

Yeah.

(drives railroad spike into his temple)
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

Judith Regan is such an *interesting* character that she deserves a working Wikipedia link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_Regan

Bravo Krazy Kat. You have solved the mystery.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

#214 Kate – Well, THERE you are! Glad to see you back and uninfected. A brief summary of what you missed in the past two weeks:

Everyone’s really torqued at FOOB. Pitchforks and torches have been distributed.

Yep, that’s pretty much it.
MossMoses
January 31st, 2007 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

216. Axel, you’re sounding as jaundiced as the sideburned doctors treating Mary Worth’s special friend. Where’s the love for Pangea’s favorite comic strip?
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

Thanks, Saxman, I can stop trying to code it now!!
Lynngineering
January 31st, 2007 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

Michael will appear on Oprah’s Book-of-the-Month club, nervously trying to answer Oprah when she tells him “I hear that you are also very engaged in the plight of dispossesed peoples from around the world!” (Audience applauds) Michael, “uh..well…not rea-” Oprah, “So Michael, in your honor I am going to suggest to people instead of buying your book this month, to donate instead to a newly established “Oprah charity-for-dispossessed peoples everywhere who need to read!” Oprah looks over to Michael, who is doing one of those patented Lynn J. mouth open with exclamation marks.
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

Striking back

What if everyone in CC-dom got with all their friends, and their friends and their friends and then every day for a month, we each sent an unsolicited manuscript or cartoon idea or film treatment to LJ’s distributor: Entercom Canada Inc.

The only rule is that each accompanying letter would have to start with “Michael’s success in ‘For Better or For Worse’ has inspired me to….”

The best that could happen is that ET would pick up the slushpilicious fun. The worst thing that could happen would be that Toronto temp employment for editors would spike for a few months. (OK, the very worst thing that could happen is that some protestor could get a contract and a $25,000 advance. And then I’d be shunned forever.)
essteess
January 31st, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

I’m probably just a bad person. But the fourth panel of FOOB put me in mind of this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ueuauKKjPZI
Jim
January 31st, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

I bet this whole remission thing in FW is Tom Batuik’s attempt to stick it to Josh. “Hey, guess what, some good things DO happen to the characters in my strip! Not often, but every couple of years I give one of them a break.”
Gal Friday
January 31st, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

#202 And yet I do believe in friendly beavers building dams that create ponds that save the Morgan Farm in a wildfire.
willethompson
January 31st, 2007 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

TORONTO (Reuters) – JUDITH REGAN FIRED AGAIN

Judith Regan, the person responsible for the attempted publishing of O.J. Simpson ‘autobiography’ IF I DID IT, was fired today from her position as new talent coordinator of the Canadian media and publishing giant, the Eh! Network. Authorities are investigating a similar fire when not cleaning, washing and folding Michael’s family posessions.

Although executives at Eh! offered no comment, sources revealed that Regan was fired for offering a C$25,000 advance to an unknown author. The book, titled “HOW I DID IT,” is a ‘fictional’ representation of how the author (identified only as Michael) commited arson to kill his downstairs neighbors who had complained that his children has clogged the plumbing of their communal duplex in the Toronto suburbs.

“What the FOOB, it’s only Canadian money,” was Ms. Regan’s only comment as she boarded a GreyLine bus for Fort Erie and eventual exile.
Shannon
January 31st, 2007 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

#217: Ah! Thank you.

#225: Not likely. Tomorrow Les and Cancer Gal will be sitting on the bench and a grand piano will fall from nowhere and crush them. Not killing them, mind you. Just severely maiming them, leading to a drawn out physical therapy storyline. Kind of like Doonesbury’s combat vet story except without wit.

Or hope.

(pulls railroad spike from TB Tabby’s temple with a wet *pop* then shoves it through his own forehead)
Shannon
January 31st, 2007 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

On second thought, a piano would be too funny. Maybe 50 dead orphans?
fishmorgjp
January 31st, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

I don’t know why Michael had to get a big advance from a publisher… he could just as well have stumbled over Captain Kidd’s pirate treasure, or found a multi-million dollar winning lottery ticket on the sidewalk…
Ribinin
January 31st, 2007 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

Counter-FOOB project: Do any of you remember the book “Naked Came The Stranger”?

I think we who are inclined should write the great Canadian Novel in that fashion. Not too much work for anybody and we could get a book of respectable length in a short time. We can split the $25000.
Uncle Lumpy
January 31st, 2007 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

Any takers for Ribinin’s proposal? If there’s interest, I’ll open up a thread and you guys can go nuts.
bootsybooks
January 31st, 2007 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

Foob: Why is Mike getting an advance? Didn’t he already write the damn book? Isn’t an advance what you give a writer IN ADVANCE of actually seeing the book?

I’m not in the publishing field but it seems a logical question.

MT: Beavers and Dick go together like well, like beavers and dick, I guess.
Plunk Your Magic Twanger
January 31st, 2007 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

I think the two horse-faced women in Gil Thorp are a tribute to the late Barbaro.

And yeah, FW and FBoFW suck the joy out of life, but on the other hand, Nancy today is three panels of Aunt Fritzi.
Ribinin
January 31st, 2007 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

The book idea is all Poteet’s fault. She said I couldn’t write at the same level as Michael, and I think I can write as badly as anybody.
Saxman
January 31st, 2007 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

233

Much to the chagrin of writers everywhere, an “advance” is what a publisher gives a writer IN ADVANCE of selling the book to the public.

Typically it is a “advance of royalties,” which means that the writer is paid a percentage of each copy sold. The publisher estimates how many copies will be sold and bases the advance on how much income will be generated. They then give the author a portion of this anticipated income ahead of time.

In some cases, if the book doesn’t sell as much as anticipated, the author actually has to give back some of the advance! The hope is that the book will sell enough copies that the royalties owed are greater than the advance. In this case, the author receives additional payments (typically every quarter or more often, every year). Aditional payments may be earned for new editions of the work, for movie or TV rights, etc.

Very rarely, a famous, proven author might get an advance before a word is written (there are probably only a few dozen authors in the whole world who could count on this.)

There are also sometimes contract writers, who have a contract to write a certain number of novels a year and are paid a regular periodic fee that almost resembles a salary. The only literary genere I’m aware of that uses this on a regular basis are romance novels. (Comics and comic books use something similar).
hogenmogen
January 31st, 2007 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

Malice Fartmore: Is drunken Tinsley suggesting that Howard Dean is a kook?

Tinsley’s argument this week is that the Governor of Vermont wasn’t qualified to run for President, but Walter Williams, who is virtually unknown and has never held elected office, should be drafted in by mass demand. The guy doesn’t even have his own radio show, he’s got to substitute for Rush while he’s out getting stoned. And, any economics professor that backs up Bush’s financial policies has a lot of nerve calling Dean crazy.
velouria73
January 31st, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

FOOB: i’m as annoyed as anyone by michael’s ridiculous luck, but i do seem to recall him mentioning that he has an agent. i think it was in the last monthly letter when he was recounting the fire, he mentioned that he really didn’t have to go back for the book since his mom and agent both have a copy of everything except the last chapter. however, it still seems highly unlikely that even with his agent’s help he’d get a deal this quickly.
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

# 193 — Howard, not that I’d blame you if you hadn’t, but have you read the passages of Michael’s epic that have been provided in his Foob monthly letters? To me, they make King look like Shakespeare.

# 199 — Hi, Fogeyette! Always good to see you. And if you decide to be a Foobloatharian, you are! Sort of like tapping your shoes together three times and chanting “There’s no place like home”:-).

# 214 — Kate, hello! Hope your eye is all well now(?) Here, have a pitchfork!

# 227 — BWAHAHA! Okay, wille, you’re totally forgiven for the beaver/hose incident.

# 231 — Ribinin, I remember! Thanks for the memory. The story is worth reading, for those who don’t know it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naked_Came_the_Stranger
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

# 235 — Ribinin, I apologize. I just read the following in the Wikipedia article about NAKED: “Some of the chapters had to be heavily edited, because they were originally too well written.”

Heck, with that caveat, I bet most of us could write as badly as Michael. But to really succeed, it seems that the book might have to be about sex. I’m just not sure this group could handle that, y’know?
cheech wizard
January 31st, 2007 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

So what’s the first thing Les does after he learns that Lisa is in remission? He plops her ass and compromised immune system right down in the snow. Where she can catch pneumonia. And die.

Coming up next: Lisa moves on to her next role in the author’s new strip, “Tom Batiuk’s Purgatorio,” where he can subject his creations to unspeakable new torments after they’re dead.

Aren’t you glad Tom Batiuk isn’t the god of your universe? I know I am.
lugbutt scaduto
January 31st, 2007 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

They’ll do it every time…

Curmudgeonistas beg Lynn Johnston to quit with the Liz & Paul in Mtiggersarewonderfulthings already…

But when she opens up a new storyline, are they happy? No – of course it’s lame, but they were apparently expecting a serialization of The Cherry Orchard or some such..

O-h-h-h-h Ye-a-h-h-h-h-h-
Krazy Kat
January 31st, 2007 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

FOOB- I’ll bet not one cent of the money Michael gets for his book will go to Agnes Dingle.
Since her stroke, neither of those chicken pluggers (Mike or Weed) even go to visit her in her London nursing home. Now Michael is going to cash in on her sad life.
True Fable
January 31st, 2007 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

FW Tom Bautik, you miserable excuse for a humorist or human being. As a cancer survivor, if anyone strolled up to me at the time of my struggle and said, “I think the governor’s office called and said, “not yet” ” with that patented smirk on a smug healthy face, then despite my infirmities I would have struck that asswipe across the face with the nearest potentially lethal object I could grasp. After all, what do I care – I’d have the governor’s fucking reprieve! And YOU, you disgusting cretin, YOU would have gotten what was coming to you.
Yeah, cancer is SUCH a laugh-riot subject. I’ve not said a whole lot about your choice of disaster-of-the-month since maybe some reader will think “maybe I ought to go get a checkup so I can avoid this scenario”, but goddamit, you need to show some of that highly-touted sensitivity these “very special moment” topics are supposed to reveal.
I hope and pray karma kicks in soon. Then YOU, Tom Bautik, will lose an arm, a leg, turn to alcohol and develop cancer.
And Lynn Johnston’s studio will burn to the ground and all her relatives will move back home to mooch off her for the rest of her days, “just the way life should be.”
[/rant for now]
Plinko Commie
January 31st, 2007 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

Not that I can much to the other comments on today’s latest dose of FOOBullshit, so allow me to make a point that I’m sure eight people have made by now:

One of the appeals of FBOFW, besides that it used to be a finely-crafted strip that married the best elements of family comedy and serial strips, was that I was born about three months before Michael, and as such we grew up together. He studied to be a journalist, and so did I. Thicker than thieves we were, Michael and me.

So now we’re in our early 30’s, and let’s see how the comparison holds up: Michael goes to the Maritimes to write a story about a family or some damn thing. My biggest trip is a college field hockey tournament in Massachusetts. Michael gets the job at the publication that fired him. I get fired from a job two years ago, and my career still hasn’t recovered fully. Michael marries his high school sweetheart. I occasionally masturbate about the time the girl I liked in high school stepped on my hand at a party. And now Michael gets a $25,000 contract to publish Little Foob On The Prarie, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to get Lynn Johnston to script MY life. I’m pretty sure I don’t get to compare myself to him anymore.

On the other hand, I didn’t help bring to surface two demon seeds from Satan’s sperm bank, so score that one in my column.
True Fable
January 31st, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

#245 Plinko Commie, add one more point to your side. You at least, can WRITE!
Len
January 31st, 2007 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

Ah! Comforting to see that Lio has completed his Junior Surgeon’s home education course.

Now he can perform brain surgery on Neddy’s aunt;

give Margo a heart;

heal Cancer Girl;

(not to mention Doctor Jeff;)

and of course, a lobotomy for Michael.

http://www.gocomics.com/lio/2007/01/31/
SmartPeopleOnIce
January 31st, 2007 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

I occasionally masturbate about the time the girl I liked in high school stepped on my hand at a party.

I’m trying to decide whether this is a typo, or whether you really do fantasize about getting your hand stepped on.

At the moment, the jury is, as it were, hung.
Anonymous
January 31st, 2007 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

#245 – Plinko Commie – you’re my hero.

Ohhh Yeahhhh!
Chance
January 31st, 2007 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

All right. it’s clear we need a vote on who is being addressed as “Rachel” in panel 2. George Plimpton? Robert Frost? Will rogers? Lloyd Bentsen? Noam Chomsky without the glasses?
Chance
January 31st, 2007 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

PS: This is Noam
Woodrowfan
January 31st, 2007 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

I’d just like to welcome those of you who just found this site for the first time because you searched for “Frisky Beavers.” I think you’ll find us to be friendly. To make your transition from ~~porn~~ erotica to comics easier we’ll start you off with “Arlo and Janis”, “monty” and “One Big Happy.” Next will come “Apt 3 G.” don;t worry, we won’t toss Mary Worth at you until you’re ready… ready to begin? Both hands on the keyboard. Yes, BOTH hands. Thank you. Now first off let us consider “Get Fuzzy”…..
cheech wizard
January 31st, 2007 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

252- More information on Frisky Beavers can be found at 9 Chickweed Lane.
Aaron
January 31st, 2007 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

Hmmm…so according to a note in today’s comic section from the Sacramento Bee, yesterday they printed a whole page of TODAY’s comics. So Today that page is filled with YESTERDAY’s comics.
Ribinin
January 31st, 2007 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

#245 Pinko Commie – So exactly what were you doing with your hand just before she stepped on it? Hmmm?
SmartPeopleOnIce
January 31st, 2007 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

#248 Um, not that I meant that there was anything wrong with that.

Far be it for me to criticize anybody’s quirks – Hell, I sleep with my head in a catcher’s mitt.
PeteMoss
January 31st, 2007 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

#254 Yes, Aaron, we got a glimps at the FOOB advance a day early – lucky Bee readers. Interesting how mixing Tuesday for Wedsday didn’t make a difference in the continuity of most of the strips, though.
MossMoses
January 31st, 2007 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

#245 PinkoCommie, I think you went wrong when you joined the ACP. Dont’ take it too hard. Keep in mind you are comparing yourself to a saint living a charmed existence. There’s got to be better stuff to jerk off to…Try uh-oh.com maybe.
PeteMoss
January 31st, 2007 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

I sleep on a turtle-shaped pillow cozy
Ribinin
January 31st, 2007 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

Interestingly enough, this site IS listed under “frisky beavers” in Google, #46 right now.

Even though Google bombs have theoretically be defused, that gives me an idea. I maintain a couple of websites…….
MossMoses
January 31st, 2007 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

257. PM, could you let us in on Thrusday’s FOOB please?
Plinko Commie
January 31st, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

Also, it’s worth noting that I have easy access to Krispy Kreme, whereas Michael must make do with Tim Horton’s. Advantage: moi. And my milk comes in a PLASTIC JUG WITH A CAP THAT COMES ON AND OFF. TAKE THAT, YOU BAGGED MILK FAIRIES.
Loppie Scaduto
January 31st, 2007 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

242: Heya, cuzzin!
PeteMoss
January 31st, 2007 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

# 261- Sure, MM. The rabbit is shown running into the kitchen, being chased by the kitten, being chased by both dogs. The rabbit has Michael’s advance check in it’s mouth and is nibbling away. Panel 3 shows Michael, his mouth agape in the form of a triangle, his eyes closed. April looks on in amusment. Panel 4, the dogs have torn the rabbit to pieces and the cat watches in amusement.

Honestly…magic newspaper stopped its magic today. If they’d start printing the following day’s sports scores, I’d have it made.
Dr. Ling
January 31st, 2007 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

Mary Worth. This very important. Below armpits. I want you to palpate nodes. Is noticable? Alright, how many millimeter? Ask clumsly local talent how many millimeter. Okay. Is Dr. Jeff respond to 15cc teramycin. What vitals. Check for arrythmia, Mary Worth. Aha. Jaundice? Yes, of course. Check now pull back eyelid. Check responsiveness. Breath how? Bad smell? Hair. Burn small piece hair. Watch how it curls. Left? Left? Aha.

Okay, you need to get air out of lung. You are going in with number four scalpel. Do not fear, Mary Worth, I will guide you. I must say connection very bad. Ah, that better. Make puncture in space two rib down from left nipple. Make sure you have antiseptic wash of region. Is Dr. Jeff restrain? Good, Good. Keep hand steady, Mary Worth. We almost done.

Now, you should have reached air pocket. You are collapse lung, I hope has primitive air to reinflate. Yes. Gently. Have clumsy local talent patch dissected region. Okay, Dr. Jeff now need sulfathiazone 20cc and IV drip glucose, then give drip with 1% morphine for sleep. Good job, Mary Worth.
Plinko Commie
January 31st, 2007 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

And as for the masturbatory fantasy = I take physical contact where I can get it.

And another thought based on Saxman’s comment at 236: That would be the way to redeem this plot, if Michael’s book flopped like a nude pictoral of Estelle Getty, and he had to pay back most of the advance despite spending it all on private school tuition for Merrie, who’ll end up getting sold to Random House to make up the deficit.

If we had another comic crossover, it should involve the Pattersons getting the Funky Winkerbean characters’ fates.
BonzoGal
January 31st, 2007 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

Has anyone seen this bit of news? FOOB isn’t going to end this year, it’s continuing as a Michael-and-family “hybrid” strip:

http://gocomics.typepad.com/laughtracks/
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

# 267 — Yes, BonzoGal, we’ve known about that for some time. Many of us try not to think about it much. First things first, and we’re trying to survive the current storylines.
Poteet
January 31st, 2007 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

Okay, so now I’ve gone from furious to morose. I will shut up about Foob until tomorrow.
Squid Countess
January 31st, 2007 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

HEY! EMPEROR CHENNUX -

I just opened a pouch of moist cat food with the good scissors.

Oh, yeah. That’s how Curmudgeonites roll.

Don’t start nothin’; won’t be nothin’.
Marion Delgado
January 31st, 2007 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

And I like (in the sense of not) how the hilarious (in the sense of not) warden joke came out the day molly ivins died from her 3rd bout with breast cancer. I bet blogger Jane Hamsher of Firedoglake is really loving her winkerbean (in the sense of not) as she faces her 3rd bout with breast cancer.
Steve
January 31st, 2007 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

Holy crap, June is terrifying.

And, as much as I hate to defend Foob, I think this is a situation where the ‘comic strip rules’ apply.

I mean, which is more…hm, ‘exciting’ is the wrong word…anyways:

1. Strip after strip of Michael talking to agent talking to whoever and blahblahblah

2. All that compressed and edited down to one strip so we can get on with other more interesting (err, less boring, at least) happenings.

*shrug*
dale
January 31st, 2007 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

174 – Indiebass. You’re right. I wondered about G. Gordon Liddy too.

205 – Doc Torr. Unless things have changed since ‘92, liquor and wine are sold in Pennsylvania by state run State Stores. “State Store” is what it actually says on the sign. A dry town can have one. Wilkinsburg did. It also had a beer distributor. How beer was/is sold is not convenient either.
Plinko Commie
January 31st, 2007 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

272 — I don’t deny that nobody wants to see an extended arc starring Michael and the book-publishing process. The point is that we don’t want that dim bulb hitting a home run on his first swing with a freaking toothpick.
Red Greenback
January 31st, 2007 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

“If I Did Sheilagh, Here’s How It Happened”
jnik
January 31st, 2007 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

FBOFW: Now, all this time I thought I was the only one who noticed the “sock” thing..
Since Dagwood and Blondie, as well as Dennis’ family, wear shoes in the house, I figure it’s a Canadian custom to take off shoes in the house.I don’t know any other Canada-based comics, so I’m not sure. Is it just a FOOB thing? All Lizardbreath’s visitors in Mtig were sockfooted in Liz’ home. But maybe the Pattersons REQUIRE people to remove their shoes when they visit.
Maybe that’s why I never saw any visitors in Elly’s house.- they had holey socks or the Pattersons got stinky feet!
Dicky
January 31st, 2007 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

265: You are not the Dr. Ling that Mary Worth knows. Everyone knows that in the utterly white-washed world of Mary Worth, a doctor that Mary Worth would know would be absolutely able to speak colloquial and medical English without errors. I mean, come on. She has yet to find a person even in Vietnam who couldn’t communicate with her in perfect conversational English.
Red Greenback
January 31st, 2007 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

SF: Pity Gordo didn’t do a cameo in Apartment 3G.
…I’m dig-g-gin’ the name “A3G Gordon Liddy”
Red Greenback
January 31st, 2007 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

KomicsKameos: Prince makes an inexplicable appearance in panel deux-RMMD
Booper
January 31st, 2007 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

#231 Ribinin and #240 Poteet — I think we should go for it. And if we can get Dingo interested, the sex scenes will be the least of our worries.
Luna
January 31st, 2007 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

Lynn Johnston, you amaze and disappoint me.

I sincerely believed that you would drag this St. Michael-in-the-house storyline until August or later.

So, now that Dickweed Michael is the overnight, fabulous, successful, perfectious author, you are going to rub it in our faces for the next 8 or 9 months, arent you? AREN’T YOU??!! ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!

FUCK.

Fellow Curmudgeonites, don’t you see what this bitch is doing?
Yah, she took some artistic license and rushed the publication of her spawn’s dreck so she can use whats left of the strip’s life to shove that sanctimonius fucker up into every single orifice we have.

STB! STB! STB! STB! STB! STB!

It is 6 degrees outside now. Think I’ll call my Mom (a breast cancer survivor) and my Dad (a lymphoma survivor) to see if they would like to join me on a park bench so I can tell them that the Governor has granted them a reprieve. And then I’ll smile a little sideways smile as they wrap their arms around themselves, confused and shivering.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
January 31st, 2007 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

256 SPOI: “Far be it for me to criticize anybodyâ€™s quirks – Hell, I sleep with my head in a catcherâ€™s mitt”: Which catcher?
Red Greenback
January 31st, 2007 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

Mary just happens to have Dr. Lingam at the Charterstone Shiva Temple on speed dial on her YoniPhoneâ„¢
treedweller
January 31st, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

RMMD: Has anyone set up a betting pool on when Snake and Jake will arrive in their blue van to carry Niki away?
lesles
January 31st, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

#229 shannon – that’s brilliant. i can totally see it. i’m even getting the sound effects.

#237 hogenmogen – i strongly get the impression that tinsley really wanted to be a player on the political scene, but just doesn’t have the nous or the bottle to actually pull it off. he secretly knows it, but as he started out life one sandwich short of a picnic, he’s found it easy to channel his bitterness into self-delusion dressed up as a cartoon. the man and his graphic spawn have all the appeal and half the wit and intellect of a full long-drop dunny.
Anonymous
January 31st, 2007 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

FOOB: In panel 4 it appears our budding genius author has crapped himself.
Kate
January 31st, 2007 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

Thank you, wille and Poteet, for the welcome back to the land of the living. Fortunately I’m not a Funky Winkerbean character, or I’d still be writhing in agony while bystanders looked on smugly. Anyway. I assume the pitchfork is for my eye; the only thing that could erase FOOB from the landscape well enough would be a nuclear warhead.
Richard Onley
January 31st, 2007 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

#245: Plinko Commie says: “I occasionally masturbate about the time the girl I liked in high school stepped on my hand at a party.”
#262: Plinko Commie says: “itâ€™s worth noting that I have easy access to Krispy Kreme”

Stop right there, that’s as much as we need to know . . . !
cyberpersephone
January 31st, 2007 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

FW: Has there really been two days of positive strips? Clearly the only way for this to end would be for Les and Lisa to get into a car accident on the way home and be horribly disfigured.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
January 31st, 2007 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

A Foobument; or, Some Observations on the Canuck Yuk-Not

A few folks have observed that we ‘mudges seem, well, a bit obsessed with FOOB – nay, even a bit tetched in the head in our unquenchable need to direct darts of withering fury its way – and it got me wondering, whyizzit? For one thing, our little obsessions come and go: last fall it was all Aldo all the time, before that (I think it was before) it was Rex Morgan and his hands-on-club golf training. And who can forget Molly, the Bestest Bear in All the World? (Dingo, it’s okay: you’re allowed to have another bear in your heart before Molly.)

But I think the virulent foobloatharianism (thank you for the term, Poteet) has another origin. I remember reading or seeing an interview with one of the MST3K guys wherein he was asked what made a film a good MST3K film. Not just any bad film would do – badness (as any viewer of MST3K discovers) has layers and levels, regions and geographies. The specific sorts of badness that worked best for MST3K were generally movies that were made by people not utterly without talent or pretense. No, a bad film is made worse (or at least, more MSTable) when it’s clear there’s a certain amount of talent there, talent that’s being wholly misdirected and wasted. Similarly, films that unknowingly try to stuff fifty pounds of ambition or profundity or “message” into a sack that fits only ten pounds of that quantity are far more MSTable than, say, a lame film about vampire bikers that doesn’t pretend to be anything but an excuse to have cool bikes, bloody wounds, and half-naked women in it.

And so we get to FOOB: as several folks here have noted, once upon a time it was a much better strip. In fact, it was one of the best for a while: LJ presented an endearingly quirky but realistic family, showed them living and growing more or less in real time, and did so with wit and – deriving organically from that wit – pathos.

But, as some Latin-y type person would say: Quo the fuck, Lynn? Somewhere along the line, everything curdled: the quirks became cloying, the hope became a simpering halo of saintliness, and the humor…well, it devolved into lame-ass final-panel puns with no real relation to the rest of the world of the strip.

That’s why, as bizarrely out of touch and lame as it can be, people here generally have a sort of affection for a strip like TDIET: it’s no more than it pretends to be, and it feels like, hey, that’s just Al Scaduto’s shtick, and his world. LJ seems as persuaded as Michael Patterson of her talent and greatness, and as self-centered – oh, sorry: “self-centred” – as Michael in putting it out there, coherence or logic or sense or just avoiding simple dumbassery be damned.

(There. That’s long enough that Uncle Lumpy will almost surely post a new one any second now.)
TB Tabby
January 31st, 2007 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

289: I know the feeling. We’re finally getting something truly positive happening in FW, and all we can do is wait for the other shoe to drop. Are we too cynical?
Mac
January 31st, 2007 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

You know what bothers me about Archie today? That the Archie creative team was interested enough in the annoying wheeled shoes to do a strip about them, but not enough to turn their eyes downward to get a glimpse of how those shoes actually work. That’s what bothers me about Archie today.
Marion Delgado
January 31st, 2007 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

bootsy:

nope. either way it’s an advance on royalties. once you’re established instead of giving people books you give them treatments, almost like doing movie scripts (I was once commissioned to do one but the person flaked on me). and in that case, you often get an advance without having a book in hand. sometimes that helps you finish the book.

What it means is that technically you could sit on your royalties and wait for them to come in, is all.
True Fable
January 31st, 2007 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

MW Santa Royale: famed for its medical specialists, who are kept in a separate compound away from the white people who don’t know any better than to wander off to foreign countries and fall ill with diseases only medical specialists in the Santa Royale compound can diagnose and cure.
whoamItoday?
January 31st, 2007 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

Yeah, I can understand avoiding dragging a long story arc about Michael and publisher communications. But at least a rejection and a short round of edits and negotiations before the advance.

I beleive, however, that given housing costs in Toronto, that Liz should certainly be able to afford a crappy apartment, as Micheal could after graduation, and by this time, Mike and Dee should have been at least the owners of a crappy little 2 bedroom house in the same neighborhood.

BTW-we are shoe free in our house in CA. Partly because, I just hate wearing shoes and have always taken them off the moment I walk in the door, and partly because the generic pale beige contractor installed carpet would be ruined if we walked on in it ‘outdoor shoes’. we could barely afford the house, I want to avoid replacing the carpet as long as possible. all the shoes pretty much live in the coat closet by the front door. and since this is southern CA, we don’t have coats so I guess it’s shoe closet.

(hello to whoever it was in little saigon, I’m in Stepf–I mean, Irvine.)
Tux Pendelton
January 31st, 2007 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

#290: Yes, Gadge Cubic, that is what has added salt to the wound. And it’s emphasized when you actually meet a fan:

Foobian: But she had a character come out and it was so sensitive and moving….

Foobloatharian: That was almost fifteen years ago! It was a simpler time. People used mosaic to “surf” things called “web pages”. We were actually amused by the first “Real World” on MTV and thought it might be, like, real. George Bush was President (oops, that doesn’t work, does it?). Anyway, if you don’t remember cell phones as big as your head, what are the chances you’ve seen an entertaining FBoFW?

Foobian: But she had a character come out and it was so sensitive and moving….

Foobloatharian: Say hello to my little friend…

Fortunately, I have overcome. The Foobs used to make me wish I’d never been born. But I’ve grown more mature: now I wish Lynn had never been born.

P.S. Bucky does not qualify as a cell phone as big as your head.
apostate
January 31st, 2007 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

FC:
Who would’ve thought little Billy would be so insecure about his sense of humor?
In contrast, his dad and his brother don’t feel the least bit self-conscious telling jokes that no one would find funny.
Marion Delgado
January 31st, 2007 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

Holy @#$$#@! Sarge and Beetle are the Akbar and Jeff of the daily paper scene!!

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/beetlebailey.asp?date=20070128
sally
January 31st, 2007 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

#190 — OK, this is about 100 comments later, but “Shannon…sings…” made me laugh out loud and wake people in the next room. Just had to share.
Heckler123
January 31st, 2007 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

If those frisky little beavers can be so industrious in building their lodge and dam, why can’t Michael and Deanna get out and build themselves a home?
macb
January 31st, 2007 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

FOOB: Somewhere the ghost of Robertson Davies, master of the 20th Century Canadian novel, is weeping. But I forget; this is FOOBVILLE, where all Pattersons are not only talented, they’re saintly, all non-Pattersons are more evil than the most ridiculous cartoon villains (it’s Kelpfroth, folks, even Lynn spells it that way, as in “disgusting foam from a type of sea vegetation,” not Kelpforth, which would be marginally less ludicrous): they set fires, they two-time poor innocent twenty-something Patterson girls, they leave righteous Patterson rock bands for their own solo careers- but don’t worry- they all get their comeuppances, and the Pattersons all get their just deserts for being Pattersons- $25,000 advances for rookie unsolicited novel manuscripts, evil cigar-smoking fellow tenants on life support, winning battle of the band competitions- no infantile fantasy of Lynn Johnston’s feeble little mind is too outlandish to be indulged in her fairy-tale world. I can’t believe I once liked this strip.
Papa
February 1st, 2007 at 12:26 am [Reply]

MW 2/1 panel 2: “My G*d! Where’s Jeff? I turned my back for only a second and then he was GONE!”

Either it’s the Rapture or Dr. Jeff Cory is the Incredible Shrinking Man!
Ketann
February 1st, 2007 at 12:28 am [Reply]

OMG June is interested in Niki… Is she registered as a sex offender by any chance?
bobbaloo
February 1st, 2007 at 12:42 am [Reply]

2/1 mary worth…somewhere between panel one and panel two, dr jeff seems to have escaped back to peace village to drown some more
mfdshan
February 1st, 2007 at 1:13 am [Reply]

2/1 Foob: Liz has just seen her future with Granthony and has to puke.

2/1 JP: Too much information – I have to puke!
Dingo
February 1st, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

#281 Booper, #231 Ribinin and #240 Poteet: I would be proud to assist in the making of Michael’s prose come to life. Having read selections in the monthly letters, this book is on the level of the Monty Python version of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (”Behold! The seven brides.”).

It’s amazing. I left comment six at 1:39AM today and now (if no one leaves a comment before me) I’m going to be 306(!!!) at 12:52AM. 300 friggin’ comments in one day. I’d've taken part in that but…

We went into the Loop today and had our photos taken at the Art Institute of Chicago with the lions. Bears, yeah! BEARS!!! I’ve had to wait 21 freakin’ years to have my photo taken with that lion again! (Does this make us Pluggers?)

Having your team play in the Super Bowl is similar to witnessing a Patterson have a non-self-centered thought: so rare, you should celebrate by kissing unknown passersby, calling up the Pope and breathing heavily in the phone while he runs down a list of acolytes he’s known since the seminary asking which one you are, and as intoxicating as receiving a phone call from 8,000 miles away asking your second opinion on a fellow doctor’s diagnosis.

(If the Colts win, we’re still fine. John is from Indianapolis.)
cinephile
February 1st, 2007 at 1:20 am [Reply]

2/1– Mallard Fillmore– HA HA, that duck thinks Rush Limbaugh can read!

2/1– Ways to interpret Liz’s eyes in the final panel: she’s either finally snapped under the weight of her family’s madness, and is running to live in the attic like a bitter Dickens spinster (a wise choice, given the alternatives), or the rings under her eyes, and her feral glance at Mike’s little girl in the previous panel, suggests that her zombie genes have just kicked in, and she needs to find more baby humans to feast on.

I’m good with it either way.
MonkeyHawk
February 1st, 2007 at 4:56 am [Reply]

I’ve stopped reading this thread so I assume you have to.

I got a $15,000 advance for my first-time book deal, which I had to share with my co-author.

The agent negotiated it. It was based on a manuscript we’d already written and was guaranteed.

That means we got $15Gs up front, against expected royalties. The publisher would then collect the first $15Gs of royalties to earn back the advance they gave us.

As it turned out, our book shot right to the top of the New York Times’ Worst Seller list.

(There are tangental stories about how the publisher mis-promoted the book, but don’t get me started.)

Anyway, I suspect Lynn Johnston’s reference to Michael’s book deal has something with 1983 or so and her having a fair-to-middlin’ comic strip for several years and an outfit like Andrews-McMeel (which has published many compilations of strips their syndication affiliate, Universal, has nothing to do with… okay, it’s complicated) Fed-Exed a publishing deal to her.

Lynn simply doesn’t distinguish *her* first book deal and its difference between St. Michael’s first-time first-draft novel…in less than 30 days, no less..

Like her recent admission she didn’t understand that Michael wouldn’t run back into the fire to get his manuscript; but that he’d go for the laptop, Lynn refuses to budge. (In the admittedly revised version, she made him go back for *both* the manuscript and laptop. I mean, the laptop was all that mattered, right?)

Anyway, I’ve worked with (and against) syndicates and publishers enough to feel comfortable predicting that the “Michael Patterson’s novel” will be offered to the real-life public shortly after FOOB goes imortal (sorry, I meant, “timeless.”)

I particulary enjoyed this thread’s faux-Michael monthly FOOB newsletter stuff. I’m too lazy to track down who wrote them but, damn, you guys wrote better crappy stuff than even Michael can! I stand in awe of you all.

The “Naked Came the Stranger” model is viable, if only because the people stuck with the later chapters might be requiews to suppress their gag reflexes.

(I have a connection at Andrews-McMeel. It’s worth a pitch. Trust me.)
Dean Booth
February 1st, 2007 at 8:21 am [Reply]

“I occasionally masturbate about the time the girl I liked in high school stepped on my hand at a party.”

If I ever again watch Citizen Kane, I will involuntarily replace the story about the girl in the white dress on the ferry with this line.
Anonymous
February 1st, 2007 at 10:20 am [Reply]

FOOB: Reality check: Michael’s editor quits, moves to another house, or is fired. The book is orphaned. The new editor hacks it to pieces, doesn’t give it any promotional budget (telling Michael, “Our books sell themselves”). The book tanks and Michael never sells another book again because editors at other houses check his sales figures before considering his manuscript.

FW: Cancer Girl will never die. Batiuk will keep her alive, torturing her and the rest of the cast with bathos for eternity – or the rest of his life.
commodorejohn
February 1st, 2007 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

FOOB – First off, why is Deanna doing a role-reversed boob-grab on Mike? I thought the Pattersons were only into convetional domestic arrangements. Second, am I expected to feel sympathy for Liz, who is essentially saying “my brother’s smashing success burns me?” Way to make yourself seem like less of a bitch there, Liz.
gh
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

#243 Hogen Mogen

HAHAHA! Good one. The Disney lawyers wonâ€™t be so understanding though, what with all the Tigger problems theyâ€™ve had lately.

By the way, when/why did you go [back] to Hogen Mogen? Because thatâ€™s how I referred to you a ways back when I should have said hogenmogen and I hate mispronouncing someoneâ€™s name.
Doodee
January 31st, 2008 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

Thanks for sharing

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