The Comics Curmudgeon Bake Sale!
Okay okay okay! So after yesterday’s massive outpouring of Foobloathing, you’re probably thinking, “Thank Heaven there’s a place I can go to vent my spleen on the Foobs! Thank Heaven there’s a place I can commune with right-thinking people who share my contempt for crappy comics of all kinds! Thank Heaven somebody reads the comics so I don’t have to!”
But, gentle readers, we cannot take this blessing for granted! In fact, we hang suspended by the merest filament over a fiery pit! At any moment, Josh may awaken and decide to pour his talents and efforts into responsible efforts to support his family – forsaking our own narrow, selfish need to heap abuse on Foobs, Funkies, and Cathies through the day and into the night. Needless to say, we must not let this happen!
But what can we do to prevent such a disaster? The answer, dear readers, is to send money. And so I present the first-ever fund-raising Comics Curmudgeon Bake Sale!
Here’s how it works:
Step 1: Post a tasty treat in the comments. This can be a special recipe of your own, a virtual treat you pick up at a local or Web-based bakery, or a sugary, snarky confection you whip up from the comics themselves.
Step 2: Hit the tip jar! It’s easy – just go here, click the credit-card link, and fill out the form – Visa or MasterCard will do, and PayPal’s even faster! If you’d rather send a check or a big block of unmarked bills, contact me at uncle.lumpy@yahoo.com and I’ll send mailing instructions.
Step 3: Come back and post your selection from the many fine cakes, pies, and cookies your fellow Curmudgeonites will have posted. Take your pick from Snarkerdoodles, DINGoDONGs, CHEnnuX Party Mix (it’s out of this world), and much, much, more! And of course, Aunt Lumpy has baked up a batch of her famous Nut Logs, the only snack with its own DRG Code! Go nuts!
FAQ
1. No, this isn’t a paid gig for me, and I have no access of any kind to the Tip Jar. All your generous contributions go directly to Josh and the upkeep of this fine site.
2. No, Josh doesn’t know anything about it.
3. Er, no, you won’t receive any actual baked goods! So – no calories, no carbs, no cholesterol, and of course, everything’s UL Approved®!
4. Yes, he did look a lot like Captain Kangaroo. Thank you for pointing that out!
How much to give? I use the “Movie Rule” – how much would you spend on tickets, parking, and popcorn to get equivalent enjoyment at the movies? A lot! Or, use the “Poteet Rule” – a lot of people spend $6.95 every month just to look at Poteet’s sweet, sweet cookies! Now, for just a few dollars more, you can have those tasty morsels all to yourself!
February 1st, 2007 at 1:02 am
Enjoy Aunt Lumpy’s Nut Logs! This plate of six fine Nut Logs will satisfy your Nut Log-related cravings for months!
And for those of you who had, er, issues with the Nut Logs at the Christmas party, Aunt Lumpy assures me this is a fresh batch – we used the leftovers as tent pegs on our camping trip!
February 1st, 2007 at 1:03 am
What’s Margo saying? She’s been cut-off by the baked goods. That means they’re going to die soon, doesn’t it?
February 1st, 2007 at 1:10 am
Wait a minute: Poteet’s showing her cookies for only $6.95 a month? Somebody post a link – once you do, nothing can stop me, cuz I’m the Duke of URL! (bmm-b-b bmm-b-b bmm-b-b bom-bom)
Also: I think the graphics problem above is that the DINGoDONGs in the basket are huger than the page can handle, overwhelming Margo.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:13 am
Sent. Also, I picked up some Doonesberry Muffins for the bake sale. Though by “picked up”, I mean found somewhere. They’re okay to eat, but rather stale.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:13 am
Chocolate Marble Cake
1 3/4 C all-purpose flour
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 C butter
1 C sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 eggs
2/3 C milk
1 square (1 oz) unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
Oven: 350 F
Grease adn lightly flour a 9×5x3-inch loaf pan. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt. Beat butter about 30 seconds. Add sugar and vanilla and beat till fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating 1 minute after each. Add dry ingredients and milk alternately to beaten mixture, beating after each addition. Combine cooled chocolate, baking soda, adn 2 tablespoons hot water; stir into 1/3 of the batter. Spoon light and dark batters alternately into loaf pan. Zigzag a spatula through batter. Bake in a 350 oven for 45 to 50 minutes or till done. Cool 15 minutes on a wire rack. Remove from pan. Cool thoroughly. Serves 12.
Source: Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book, awesome 1981 edition.
- – -
Seriously, best cake ever. And easy. Any excuse to share cake recipes is a good one.
Also, HA HA ELIZABITCH IS CRYING AGAIN. HA HA HA.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:22 am
Typos are where I’m a Viking.
I hope lots of people can contribute! Josh’s blog is on my list of “when we have money, I will give”-worthy causes. He brings the funny, and shares the pain.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:30 am
Gadge makes me blush. The dongs aren’t that huge. We’re just… full of pride that the home team is in Miami this weekend (we’re covered on all bases – John lived in Indianapolis for awhile).
Bear Cookies
1. Go to store.
2. Buy beer and frozen chocolate chip cookie dough.
3. Go home.
4. Slice cookie dough into 1/2″ rounds.
5. Slice round in half.
6. Pour beer into frozen mug.
7. Sit in chair.
8. Watch game while drinking beer and eating dough.
9. Pass out in partner’s arms.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:33 am
It looks fine on Internet Explorer, but on Firefox the baked goods still overrun Margo and in Netscape, they are not even there. I am sorry.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:35 am
#8 Thanks, Mike – I took ‘em out – HTML overreaching on my part.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:37 am
Maybe if you put all three pictures onto one image, that would work.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:06 am
I like baking, but feel unqualified to contribute…I have no money. Literally no money. But you have my cheap, worthless support!
February 1st, 2007 at 5:30 am
Being as alcohol has a tendency to make me somewhat swishy, ratcheting my Kinsey Number up to a good six and a half, crawling into the bottle at the first sign of trouble on the home front has had some… interesting results, including the following:
Pio Quinto for the femmy drunk
Makes One Portion
Requires:
One small store-bought white cake
An indefinate quantity of rum
About a half cup of vanilla custard
Ground cinnamon to taste
1. Alternate between pouring a shot of rum down your throat, and a shot of rum onto the cake until both you and the cake are thoroughly saturated
2. Pour the custard onto the top of the cake, or as near as you can get it.
3. Sprinkle the ground cinnamon onto the cake to taste
4. Giggle at the fact you’re eating something named after that basically started the inquisition
5. Slur the chorus of “Don’t cry out loud” until you stumble to bed.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:31 am
ATTENTION EARTHERS! CHENNUX STILL HERE IN GEOSYNCHRONOS ORBIT! FALL ON YOUR FACES IN FEAR AND TREMBLING!
CHENNUX CONTRIBUTES HIS RECIPE WHICH HAS BEEN IN THE IMPERIAL COOKBOOK FOR MEGA-EONS. ENJOY!
CHARRED PLANET
One planet, medium-sized, Class M
One Bludgeoning Fist of Melkar resonance blaster, set for hypergiga band
One battery of ElectroMagma cannons
Take planet and separate out a few beavers, Squid Countess, Poteet, gh, Red Greenback, Mr. O’Malley, Dingo, Gadge Cubit, Lynngineering, True Fable, Rhekarid, Lesles, Mibbitmaker, Old Fogeyette, Dub Not Dubya, Trilobite, Saxman, AppleGirl, Harry Paratestes, SPOI (and his record collection), TurtleBoy, GotFuzzy, mcmc, Artist formerly known as Ben, Krazy Kat, Sheilagh, Ribinin, Islamorada Girl, MossMoses, Kate, Cinephile, Remus and MonkeyHawk. Reserve.
Aim Bludgeoning Fist of Melkar to upper rim of the smallest of what are called the Great Lakes. Crush planet to into pieces suitable for charring.
Char with Electromagma cannons, leaving the inside of the planet pieces soft.
Eat, while prodding reserved portion to DANCE TO FATAL EXHAUSTION! HAHA!
END RECIPE!
February 1st, 2007 at 6:38 am
I missed a whole day of Foob-bashing! Damn this working for a living shit. Besides, I have reavealed the Michaeleagh Patterson’s deepest secret. If you can’t get to the site, that means the Foobians have gotten to it.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:40 am
For the Bake Sale, I am bringing some Mary Worth Alpo Casserole and Funky Winkerbean Chemo Treatment Brownies. I would stay away from the Dr Jeff Stewed Shrooms. The sent him on a bad trip. Literally.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:49 am
Liz’ Special Coping Mechanism Recipe
Ingredients: One Fresh Breakup
One Gallon Of MIlk-a
1. Upon hearing about your brother’s unearned writing contract from a well-meaning but dense father figure, take a gallon of milk….say something about going out to fix the car…water the plants with the milk-a…say over and over….”Contract-a….contract-a….Michael’s got a contract-a…”
Serves 1
February 1st, 2007 at 8:04 am
yay, i made chennux’s list! oh, hang on … that’s not quite the same deal as cotw, is it? still, first time i’ve been picked for a side in ages. and i get to dance with beavers. yay!
umm, not meaning to find fault with ancient imperial recipes, your exalted spaznoidness, but surely you’d want more than one dancing bear for that recipe?
February 1st, 2007 at 8:36 am
Hey, I made Chennux’s list too! Cool. It’s like being enraptured in one of those Left Behind novels. Only it’s a groovier crowd and I’ve still got my pants.
Will comb through my journals for a recipe.
February 1st, 2007 at 8:41 am
OK, I’m a griper, but I have trouble paying for a site that’s completely tiled with ads. Either you’re ad-supported, or you’re reader-supported… don’t give us the worst of both worlds.
February 1st, 2007 at 8:43 am
#16 and others wishing to affect a Canadian accent – it’s spelled “eh.” Just putting ‘a’ after everything makes for the italian accent.
Example: Parka you cara ina Harvard Yard!
Canadian uses the ‘eh’ as a combination ? and !
Example: Hey! Don’t park your car anywhere in Cambridge, eh?!
February 1st, 2007 at 8:54 am
Alas, as I have not distinguished myself for any exceptional CC snarkery, Chennux has doomed me to die among billions, nay, trillions of faceless human debris.
Will my last vision be beaver or Chennux’s favorites dancing to their doom? Dare I hope to hold hands with the saintly Pattersons as we die a hideous charred death? Will my last thoughts be of Mary’s presumptuous suggestion that Dr. Trang call her doctor friend long distance? Do they have 1-800 Collect in Hanoi?
February 1st, 2007 at 8:56 am
7. Damnit, Dingo. I thought that was my recipe.
Foob Tea
Make a pot of Aged Earl Grey Tea. Enjoy delicious aroma. Read Foob. Pour out a third of the tea; replace with hard alchohol of choice.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:00 am
Islamora Girl’s Depression Treat
1 pint Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate ice cream
1 spoon
Turn on TV.
Eat and watch.
Chase with Diet Pepsi
Feel very, very sorry for yourself
Serves one
February 1st, 2007 at 9:08 am
Anthony’s Limp Balls
aka. “Buckeyes”, for you Ohioans in the crowd
1 18 oz. jar creamy peanut butter
1 stick o’ butter
2 lb. bag of powdered sugar
2 12 oz. bags of chocolate chips
Cream softened butter and peanut butter. Stir in powdered sugar gradually, until the mixture is slightly crumbly but sticks together. Shape into 1-in. balls. Melt chocolate; using a toothpick, dip balls into chocolate, leaving the top uncovered (so they look like buckeyes.) Set on to wax paper and put them into the fridge to set.
Optional step: Gather balls and hand them over to Liz– you won’t need them anymore, big boy. She will either toy with them, or break them. They will never be eaten.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:09 am
19: Well, he could pick one, not make enough money, and close the site, if that’s what you’d prefer.
Besides, this is clearly and completely optional. I wasn’t sure if I was going to donate anything today, but your message reminding us of how hard it can be to run a site like this has inspired me to do so.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:12 am
The Plugger version of Islamorada Girl’s recipe is the same except you eat Ken and Larry’s ice cream and feel sorry for yourself all the time.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:13 am
Chocolate Chip Brittle
Needs:
All the ingredients for perfectly normal chocolate chip cookies.
Reserve flour. Combine all other ingredients. Put the flour somewhere where you can’t see it. Place mixture of all other ingredients onto a greased cookie sheet. Be confused by the consistency of mixture. Bake at 350F until you realize you forgot to put the flour in. Serves up to 4 people with low expectations.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:13 am
CC Crumb Cake
2 cups flour (For best results, natural ingredients from LOFO is recommended)
3 whole eggs (MF variety preferred, slightly tainted)
¼ cup liquid shortening (Olive Oyl brand ideal)
½ cup CC Seasoning ™
(Can make yourself by combining 1 part MW, 1 part JP, 1 part A3G, 1 part (DT)GT,
1 part RMMD, 1 part FC, and 1 part BC, plus a pinch of FW)
2 Curmudgeons (or 3-4 if extra crumby cake is desired)
1 12-oz. can of dried Snark (found in specialty section of most grocery stores)
1. In large bowl blend flour, shortening, and seasoning.
2. Add eggs and stir, remarking how badly they stink.
3. Take curmudgeons and smash into small pieces. Add half to mixture.
4. Pour entire mixture into pot and place on stove.
5. Set stove to high and bring to boil, stirring constantly.
6. Before mixture comes to boil, vigorously whip in ¾ can of Snark.
7. Pour into pan and slam in pre-heated oven set at HOT.
8. Bake for 365 days.
9. Go on vacation. In fact, go on two or three.
Cake will be done when it can be slightly gouged with a spork but remain hard, crusty, and impenetrable by any sharp object.
Take from oven and sprinkle with remaining curmudgeon bits. Pour remainder of snark over top.
Best when served fresh and piping hot. Serves many.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:16 am
Love the Foxtrot manipulation. That seems exactly like something Jason would say.
Hey, just to ask, is there a chance there’ll be some commentary on Get Fuzzy and Pearls Before Swine anytime soon?
February 1st, 2007 at 9:39 am
Yes-I’m-A-Selfish-Bitch Chocolate Treat
1 can of your favorite chocolate cake frosting
1 spoon
- hide can in the crisper drawer in fridge under some wilted greenery. Retrieve at midnight and consume, or after the last family member has retired for the night.
(best served while watching the Travel Channel on TV and wishing someone would hold a bake sale to send me on a trip – Florida or the South Seas, Siberia or the Arctic Circle, doesn’t matter)
February 1st, 2007 at 9:41 am
Foobar, I’ve done that too.
Delicious, as long as you aren’t expecting the result to be, you know, a cookie.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:45 am
I, too, am honored at having made Chennux’s list (can I bring Maughta with me to dance with?). Thank you, O merciful destroyer of the Foob!
Mary Worth’s Tuna Casserole Surprise
1 heavy blunt object
1 meddling Charterstone newcomer
Wait for newcomer to move in. Stand outside Mary Worth’s door, brandishing blunt object above your head. When the door opens, admitting Mary with casserole, bash her on her Skullturf. Surprise! Take casserole. Enjoy!
February 1st, 2007 at 9:50 am
#27, Foobar: when I was first going out with Maughta, I tried my hardest to impress her as a top-notch chef. I set one night aside to make her my own recipe, a sort of chicken-stuffed manicotti. The chicken was well cooked, the stuffing for the pasta turned out magnificently…if only I’d remembered to boil the pasta before stuffing it and sticking it in the oven.
We ended up eating the filling, sans pasta.
And still she married me!
February 1st, 2007 at 9:52 am
#15 – at first, thought you had written “Aldo casserole.” Mmmmm, and I have a good Fried Green Tomato recipe. Uh huh. And one for “Mary Worth’s Deep-Fried Tuna Balls.”
FOOB – I see Lizzzzz can’t even be pleased for her older bro, as crappy as his tome may be. “Oh, God, the Sun-I don’t want to get happy eventually-I want to drown in my Foobian misery forever!”
Karma’s a real bitch, hon.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:57 am
Oh, yes, and I baked some goods and sent ‘em thru PayPal to Josh. He’ll see a tray of cyber-petits-fours in his account upon return.
This AM I woke up and grabbed my wallet for some unknown reason, only heretofore known by Ella and Citizen Cane, went downstairs to PC, and saw Charterstone Bake Sale sign. Weeeeiiiirrddd….
This website is a real belly-buster for me, and wonderful, funny, spontaneous therapy. Thanks all!
Real baking recipe to follow soon.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:59 am
I just need to say, as a resident of Boston:
ATHF’s takeover of Boston yesterday was the greatest event in our history. Tea Party? Meh. Ignignockt brought the city to its knees.
Greatest. Cartoon. Stunt. Ever.
Ok, maybe that was overstated. But wow. Wow.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:02 am
#21 – i wouldn’t worry too much, techinin. chennux seems pretty fickle and changeable about these demand/edict thingys, as befits a galactic emperor. anyway, once he gets a good look at aussie whiteboy dancing, there’ll probably be a vacant position in the chorus line.
and i don’t think the pattersons would perish via mere destruction of the earth. it seems to’ve been pretty well established that they exist in a different continuum – with completely different axioms and governing principles – that has but the most tenuous connection to our own. it’s quite possible they could persist beyond the end of the universe when all else ceases. perhaps then they’ll finally be happy.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:07 am
Steve Canyon Authentic Vietnamese Pho
5 pounds Beef bones with marrow
5 pounds Oxtails
1 pound Flank steak
2 large Onions; unpeeled, halved, and studded with 8 cloves
3 Shallots; unpeeled
2 ounces Piece ginger; unpeeled
8 Star anise
1 Cinnamon stick
4 medium Parsnips cut in 2-inch chunks
2 teaspoons Salt
1 pound Beef sirloin
2 Scallions; thinly sliced
1 tablespoon Cilantro; chopped
2 medium Onions; thinly sliced
1/4 cups Hot chili sauce
1 pound Rice noodles 1/4-inch wide (or banh pho)
1/2 cups Nuoc mam (Vietnamese fish sauce)
Black pepper; freshly grnd.
2 cups Fresh bean sprouts
2 Fresh chili peppers; sliced
2 Limes cut in wedges
1 bunch Fresh mint
1 bunch Fresh Asian or regular basil
Soak bone overnight in cold water. Place bones, oxtails and flank steak in
a large stock pot. Add water to cover and bring to a boil. Cook 10
minutes, drain and rinse pot and bones. Return bones to pot, add 6 quarts
water and bring to a boil. Skim surface of scum and fat. Stir bones at
bottom from time to time. Add 3 more quarts water, bring to a boil again
and skim scum. Lower heat and let simmer. Char clove-studded onions,
shallots, and ginger under a broiler until they release their fragrant
odors. Tie charred vegetables, star anise, and cinnamon stick in a thick,
dampened cheesecloth. Put it in stock with parsnips and salt. Simmer for 1
hour. Remove flank steak and continue simmering broth, uncovered pot, for
4-5 hours. Add more water if level goes below bones.
Meanwhile, slice beef sirloin against grain into paper-thin slices, about
2-by-2 inches. Slice flank steak the same way. Set aside. In a small bowl,
combine scallions, cilantro, and half the sliced onions. Place remaining
onions in another bowl and mix in hot chili sauce. Soak rice noodles in
warm water for 30 minutes. Drain and set aside.
When broth is ready, discard bones. Strain broth through a colander lined
with a double layer of damp cheesecloth into a clean pot. Add fish sauce
and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to simmer. In another pot, bring 4 quarts
of water to a boil. Add noodles and drain immediately. Do not overcook
noodles. Divide among 4 large soup bowls. Top noodles with sliced meats.
Bring broth to a rolling boil, then ladle into soup bowls. Garnish with
scallions mixture and black pepper. Serve the onions in hot chili sauce and
remaining ingredients on the side to add as desired. Also, you can add
Hoisin sauce as a dip. Serves 4.
Source: “The foods of Vietnam” by Nicole Routhier
Mary Worth Authentic Charterstone Pho
1 lb. ground beef
2 c. celery, cut up
2 boxes pasta noodles
2 cans tomato soup
1 green pepper, cut fine
1 or 2 onions, browned
Salt and pepper to taste. Cook noodles in salt water, drain. Cook celery and drain. Mix with all ingredients. Bake in a moderate oven for 1 hour. Serve on white bread.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:10 am
Sequel to Islamorada Girl’s Recipe:
My-life-sucks Cru d’etes:
One (1) box of Apple Jacks, Cookie Crisp, Cap’n Crunch, or other way-too-sweet cereal.
One (1) hand.
One (1) really sad, sappy love/break-up song (All by Myself, I Wanted You to Know, The Flame) which you usually keep stored at the bottom of your CD collection lest, in the words of NotGodot, you are publically ratcheted a half-degree up the Kinsey scale.
Play really sad, sappy love/break-up song. Carelessly rip open box of cereal. Consume a good three quarters of it; not enough to feel perversely accomplished but just enough to make you feel disgusting. Feel very, very sorry for yourself.
——————————————-
On another note, I join hands with my fellow un-raptured condemned. I suppose that is the price one pays for being a snark-deficient mostly-lurker. Now . . . where’s that Brooke Ramel CD?
February 1st, 2007 at 10:15 am
Grandpa Foob’s Chinnut Log
Start with your basic nut log recipe, then add 2 cups smug self-righteousness and replace the sugar with 2 TBS saccharine.
Mix everything and form into the shapes of either chinnuts or logs. Place in your neighbors’ downstairs apartment as it burns (Ssshh! Don’t wake them!) for 15 minutes.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:22 am
Why don’t we just have on big yard/garage/lawn/[insert your local name here for junk] sale.
Either that, or we could collectively write a book about a girl in Sascrathewan and her trails and tribulations. I bet would could get a $25K advance on a story like that.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:39 am
Yo, Emperor Chinnuts – that’s “Cubi>cthis! [turns around, drops trou, bends over] You know what they say about emperors who show off their enormous Fists of Melkar resonance blasters, doncha? Let’s just say the blaster doesn’t quite resonate on the empress’s frequencies, shall we?
(Quick! While I’ve distracted him, you all run out that side entrance behind that tacky gold lame curtaining!)
February 1st, 2007 at 10:50 am
38 Saxman: I’m sorry, but no Charterstone recipe is “authentic” unless it has cream of mushroom soup and those little freeze-dried onion thingies in it. Also, all vegetables must be boiled for hours and hours so there’s no danger that they have any flavor left in ‘em.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:58 am
Recipe: HTML Fiasco
Begin by composing a message in a stainless steel mixing bowl. Then overhastily add the following:
1 coding character, misplaced
1 attempt at wit (or more: season to tastelessness)
Allow the coding character to completely furshlummel the attempt at wit, rendering it invisible. Post in a white-hot tizzie while avoiding the “see it before you say it,” as this feature may cause the attempted wit to become evident.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:07 am
#36 Chert the Chort: Yeah, it was a great day in the Hub, but 1/2 hour at Roxbury Crossing T station waiting in the cold for the frickin Orange Line train and lisitening to the repeated vague Voice of Charlie announcements before giving up and walking to the Green Line wasn’t so great. That the authorities foolishly overreacted after the first one was found at Sullivan Sq and the hyperactive reaction by the TV “news”-type shows made it all worth it at the end.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:14 am
BWAHAHA! Okay, if His High Insaneness will give us a break from the dancing, I’m totally going to buy a few baked goods to help this noble cause. I just realized that I have already gotten as many good laughs from this thread as from the last three thumbs-up comedy movies I rented, and that’s apart from the good recipes here.
This is not one of those good recipes.
FUNKYDOODLES
Think about baking some cookies. Think about how you really like cookies. Or used to like cookies when you were young. Which was a long, long time ago. Think about how many of the kindly relatives and loyal friends you ate cookies with back then are now dead. Or dying. Or probably sick. Think about all the vague physical symptoms you yourself have had lately, and compare them with all the hidden health problems you’ve seen discussed in the media. Make the obvious connections. Recall that you’re such a loser that you haven’t even gotten a decent estate plan in place for when you die. Not that you have much of an estate, of course. Or have actually accomplished anything really worthwhile since the day you were born. So your funeral will be sparsely attended anyway, and what’s the use of baking anything when death is so near? Go to the fridge, drink some chocolate syrup straight from the container, start to choke, follow it up with some milk which of course turns out to be sour because of your incompetence at planning and shopping. Grab a glass from the cupboard and gulp some water from the tap, noticing that it doesn’t taste good either, probably because there’s been some terrorist-caused disaster at the water tower, ensuring that many others will be dying with you. Swig a little of whatever alcoholic beverage you are able to afford on your pathetic income, go to bed, and sob yourself to sleep.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:14 am
OK-since I’m an ingredient in this tasty recipe I went to PayPal and left a little piece of change.
I’ll hit it again on pay day.
Thanks to Josh and everyone who make it possible for me to vent my speen…
and for my donation I think I have earned the right to say, one more time…
February 1st, 2007 at 11:15 am
Funky Winkerbean is not a comic
It’s a DEPRESSIC
February 1st, 2007 at 11:15 am
Oo, recipes I can do. I’m a little weak in the funny department usually, so I’ll just join the folks offering up plain old food-type-recipes.
Pesto & Sausage-Stuffed Lamb
1 lamb roast (boneless leg works well – about 3 lbs)
1 – 2 bunches basil
1 tablespoon Olive oil
1 clove garlic
about a tablespoon very good parmesana reggiano, grated
1 tablespoon pine nuts if available
1 hot italian sausage
Pesto:
(I never actually do this for the lamb alone – I use pesto I already have made OR I make a ton of it and freeze what I don’t use on the lamb, since it’s very tasty stuff – if you do that, make sure to add a handful or so of flat-leaf parsley to tone down the basil a hair, and obviously you’ll need to amplify the quantities above by a significant amount) -
Take food processor or blender. Dump basil (minus any big stems), half the clove of garlic, cheese, olive oil, and pine nuts into food processor and puree until it’s just greenish mush.
If you don’t have a food processor or a blender you can just knife it up all together but the flavors won’t be as well-combined.
Taste test – add more cheese if pesto is too garlicky. Add more olive oil if it is too dry. Add garlic if it is too bland. If you’re doing the Larger Version, add parsley if it is too basilly.
Sausage:
Remove sausage from casing. Tear or cut it up into little pieces (if your store has just sausage meat, you can use that instead (obvs.) – either way unless you can buy just a little bit you’ll have lots of extra sausage, but there are many uses for such) and saute it until well browned in olive oil – about 5 -8 minutes.
Lamb:
If your lamb roast already has a hole in it, or if it has been deboned such that it unfolds to flat, you are ready to stuff. If your roast has no hole, take a big ol’ chef’s knife and cut yourself one. Make it pretty big while trying to avoid cutting to the end of the meat in any direction.
Mix your sausage up into your pesto. You won’t need too much, but our extra will go on top.
Stuff lamb with sausage-pesto mixture. Try to use up all the sausage in the lamb since it does no good on the outside really.
Tie lamb up if necessary.
If you like garlic a lot, cut some little holes in the outside of the lamb and stuff bits of garlic from your leftover half-a-clove (or more!) into them. Season with a little salt and pepper.
Rub outside of lamb with remaining pesto goo. Leave to marinate for as long as you can – at least an hour.
If you like to, do a quick browning saute of the roast in hot olive oil before the oven. This will basically fuse some of those outer flavors into the surface of the lamb, but it is not necessary for an excellent roast.
Roast lamb for about an hour at 375 degrees. Preferably you want this dish quite rare for top flavor. I have not tried it with beef but I don’t see why it couldn’t be done.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:17 am
43
That sounds like how they cook down here in Texas. (except maybe we pour cheese on it too).
True story: years ago I proudly got my new wife a wok and tried to describe the wonders of stir-fry to her. She tried and tried but since her goal was to use it like some kind of faulty pressure cooker, it never worked out.
Speaking of trying and trying, I tried test-baking one of Mary’s famous size-changing pourable casserols. I may have done permanent damage to the space time continuum. And I used up all my Planck’s constant.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:21 am
CHENNUX: “I’m dancin’ here, Boss, I’m dancin’…Shirt?”
BAKE SALE: -one jar mayo (borderline expiration date)
-season to taste with ketchup(catsup) and oyster sauce.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:22 am
I figure it is OK to both see the ads and fill the tip jar. If I avoided venues that soaked me both ways, I’d have to drop both Sci-fi Channel and USA network, and there would go about 60% of my broadcast TV viewing.
Besides, once everyone goes shopping for the ingredients in vgg’s excellent-looking concoction, PETA is probably gonna drop Josh anyway.
I should work up the energy to post some old vegan recipies (that phase of my life only lasted 4 years). But I can’t think of any that don’t involve Snickers Bars and marshmallow Puff.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:26 am
#44 Gadge – when cooking html, be sure to use lots of >carats>
February 1st, 2007 at 11:32 am
ok, got no recipes – my branch of the family don’t really have the gene (unless your wanting shit-hot cornish pasties. not so much your traditional dessert item) – but, in lieu, i will pinch from elsewhere for our collective delectation:
something mark trail-ish
something decidedly charterstoney
and yummy bananas
and for chennux, caucasian shaslik
February 1st, 2007 at 11:36 am
These are the best ginger cookies ever. I couldn’t think about them and snark at the same time, they are so good.
Makes about 100 cookies
Ingredients:
4 cubes butter
7 cups unbleached white flour
1/3 cup dark molasses
1 cup maple syrup/honey
2 tablespoons Karo syrup
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp alspice
1 tsp fresh ginger juice
1 tsp nutmeg
Mix the dry ingredients together. Add the butter and liquids.
Roll the dough out to a thin layer and cut shapes, whatever you like.
Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. No longer, they get hard quickly and burn easily.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:47 am
#54 baking gene, that is. got all the other cooking genes. even the biscuit dough one.
get fuzzy: “i scratch kitty litter on …” has got to be one of the most succinct and profound insults in many a year. and bucky’s pretty good at them. it would be sooo useable in a foob context.
#36 chert the chort – that whole thing in boston was unreal. we had the item on the news down here, but i had to chase the “suspicious electronic devices” down on the intertubes to get a squiz at what all the fuss was about. gafh! some of those news and authority types really need to get some perspective. christ on a stick! unbelievable.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:52 am
TRADITIONAL BEDOUIN WEDDING FEAST
A filling breakfast to satisfy the largest appetite. Best served in a tent in the Sahara. (Serves up to 250)
You will need:
1 medium camel
1 medium North African goat
1 spring lamb
1 large chicken
1 egg (a chicken egg will do)
450 cloves of garlic
1 bale of fresh coriander
butter as needed
Step 1- Take the prepared chicken and stuff it with the egg, which should be hard-boiled, and pad out with coriander.
Step2- Stuff the lamb with the chicken.
Step 3- Stuff the goat with the lamb.
Step 4- Stuff the camel with the goat. A pre-prepared camel is rather more convenient – don’t be afraid to ask your butcher. Spike with the garlic and brush with butter before cooking.
Step 5- Spit roast over an open fire in an arid desert for best results, until juices run clear.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:52 am
Mr. Ma-Tron’s Margaritas
1 part silver tequila
1 part triple sec
lime juice to taste
Mix ingredients, pour into glass, over ice, no salt. Repeat as necessary until you pass out, or no longer care that Mary Worth isn’t loading on your Chron comics page, whichever comes first.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:58 am
FOOB:
Dr. Patterson: You see honey, whenever a door closes, God opens a window.
Honey?
Honey?
February 1st, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Forgot to add final steps for Funky Winkerdip: -one jar mayo (over expiration date)
-season to taste with ketchup(catsup) and oyster sauce.
-spill contents on floor, wait at least 10 minutes after the “three second rule”
-scoop back in bowl
-contract salmonella, suffer.
Also here is another great recipe- http://fooddownunder.com/cgi-bin/recipe.cgi?r=23022 -It’s not just for breakfast anymore!
February 1st, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Who wants to take on the “Howard Bunt Cake”?
February 1st, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Crikey Poteet (#46), here I was worried mine was gonna be too dark….
Uncle SPOI’s Whiskey n’ Hookers
Whiskey
Hookers
Add divorce. Mix well.
February 1st, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Pride Pancakes – a treasured recipe from my personal vault
You need:
1/2 box of pancake mix someone left at your house
Water
Butter
Off-brand maple-flavored syrup-style product
Completely undeserved smug sense of accomplishment
For best results, disable smoke alarm and open windows beforehand.
Mix pancake mix and water into a spoogey substance according to directions on box. Solicit advice from roommate (who is gay and therefore knows how to do domestic-type stuff).
Crank up flame, preheat pan. Add chunk of butter. Watch in bewilderment as butter vaporizes on contact, filling kitchen with industrial-grade black smoke.
Rinse out pan, try again. Ask roommate again. Turn down flame, protesting “But you said HIGH heat!” Add more butter. This time, pour pancake goo into pan just as butter begins to boil and turn brown.
Flip pancake after a few seconds, thoroughly blackening both sides beyond recognition.
Remove black-on-the-outside, raw-on-the-inside disk of misery from pan. Slather in syrup and consume, insisting it tastes delicious. Leave pan for someone else to clean.
February 1st, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Here’s my famous party-punch recipe. You’ll need a large punch bowl.
1 bottle Squirt or off-brand grapefruit soda
1 can lime-ade concentrate
1 can lemonade concentrate
1/2 gallon lime sherbet
Sometimes lime sherbet is tough to find so you can substitute lemon or even orange, but avoid rainbow or any other flavors. I usually make lemonade ice cubes the night before and use those, too.
February 1st, 2007 at 12:32 pm
all purpose meal:
1 pint of guiness
another pint of guiness
February 1st, 2007 at 12:36 pm
ygg, my favorite Frug quote comes to mind.
“If your lover doesn’t like garlic, get a new lover! Garlic is too important to do without!”
this was just before his first recipie of the show consisted of a whole roasting chicken and 40 cloves of garlic. .. ..
(roast for an hour, pour some white wine over it about half way through. Its wonderful!)
February 1st, 2007 at 12:50 pm
How to tolerate bad comics
Creamy cocopot ice cream
Ingredients:
6 oz. of Swiss chocolate
2 1/4 cup of custard (pre-made)
1 1/4 cup of whipped cream
1/4 oz of skunk or Northern lights
Method:
Melt chocolate in the microwave or in a double boiler, using a rubber spatula. Put custard in and mix well, using a rubber spatula. Fold pre-whipped cream into the above mixture. Put all into a plastic container cover and freeze. If in freezer for a long time set out at room temperature for 2-3 mins. Serve 3 scoops on small dessert plate and top with chocolate shavings.
February 1st, 2007 at 12:53 pm
CC’s Drink o’Despair
1 oz. Liz Patterson’s tears
1 oz. Lost Forest beaver pond water
1 oz. Flop sweat from FW’s Comic Book Guy
2 oz. bitters (what else?)
Mix ingredients with ice. Top with cinnamon bun crumbs. Pine for better written comics. Toss down kitchen drain and resort to eating frozen cookie dough while weeping.
February 1st, 2007 at 12:56 pm
I’ve been laughing so hard the cats think I’ve gone insane. What a cookbook this would make!
February 1st, 2007 at 12:58 pm
#16 – I get it! I get it! I am so happy to see that KITH reference!
February 1st, 2007 at 12:59 pm
#55 Ribinin– may I ask, what unit of measurement is a cube of butter? Does it mean a pound, because 4 pounds of butter would be awesome.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:01 pm
#70: I’ll give ya a toe…
February 1st, 2007 at 1:02 pm
TOTALLY DISPOSSESSED SUPPER
1 cigar
1 unplugged smoke dector
1 old man smoking in bed
Mix together to burn down the building, throwing all out into the snow. Whine that you are dispossessed while you are carrying all your shit into your parents house where no one has room to move because you brought all your possessions! Including your delusions of selling anything you write to anyone!
February 1st, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Wait, if we all start paying Josh, won’t we just fund further vacations? Can these be restricted donations, such as a fund for the improvement of Josh’s home until it is so ensconced in comfort that he’ll never want to leave again and will simply read comics and post curmudgeonliness all day?
February 1st, 2007 at 1:03 pm
#19: If being both ad-supported and viewer-supported works for public broadcasting, I suppose it works for CC. Anyway, I’m donating since I don’t even see the ads.
#59: That’s right, Liz. A window. Don’t you just want to jump out a window, Liz? It’s what God wants you to do. Mwah-ha-hahaha!
February 1st, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Today it was a toss up between funding Josh or funding terrorist (he-he) and josh won. I needed a break anyway.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
#13 CHENNUX,
To quote Lizardbreasts, “What about me? What about meeeeeeeee??”
Anyway…
Kangaroo Turnovers
4 cups flour
2 tbsp. Worcestershire Sauce
6 Radishes
1/2 gallon sour milk
1 lb. dried lima beans
4 slices Wonder Bread
1 bottle Johnny Walker, color of your choice
3 bunches kelp, lightly frothed
6 tbsp. trans-fat extract
1 can Jolt cola
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp. of the unidentifiable sludge in the Tupperware container that’s been in the back of the fridge since last May
6 ice cubes
Through a veil of tears, mix all liquids together except for the JW. Mix solids together in blender and run at “Masticate” setting for 10 minutes. While lamenting about lost loves, blend ingredients together. Stare at the mixture while cursing the heavens about the futility of life. Say “screw it!” and toss mixture down the disposal. Grab JW and get into car. Drink and drive. Form parabolic trajectory off cliff. The end.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:10 pm
either the phantom’s got adhd, or he was standing too close to the goods when he busted up that last jungle meth kitchen. first he can’t sleep, so instead of going to watch telly, read, or check what’s happening at cc, he decides to go off on a midnight ride upon his thong bestrapped steed. and now he’s hopping around doing saddle tricks while poor guran’s trying to converse with him.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Suffering Bastard:
2 shots of vodka
2 shots of gin
1/2 cup of ginger ale
1/2 cup of lime juice
Serve in plastic tumbler over ice, drink until blind/Liz Patterson.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:18 pm
#46 Poteet
You take the BWAHAHA! cake.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Mr. Jimenez mentioned it in the last thread but I couldn’t help wondering what else Dennis was doing on his knees in Mr. Wilson’s bathroom.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:21 pm
79. LesLes: Perhaps the ghost who spanks monkey was self gratifying. Perhaps he saw Old Man Mozz drowning in his wet dream.
June Gale-Morgan – pederast.
Aunt Rachel’s lover? That’s got to be the toughest job in all of le France.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Okay, I’ll actually supply one of my real recipes.
Red Pepper Pesto
2 medium Red Peppers
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup Extra virgin olive oil
3 tablespoons Garlic (crushed)
1/4 cup Pineolas (pine nuts)
Turn on broiler. Wash red peppers, leaving whole. Place on piece of aluminum foil and put in broiler. Turn the peppers occasionally until the outer skin is blackened. Remove from broiler. Let peppers cool slightly.
Run cold water over the peppers and gently rub with hands to remove the outer skin. Remove seeds and membrane from peppers. Place in food processor, adding the other ingredients. Blend until smooth.
Serve as a sauce with tortellini, pan-fried chicken, or on toasted Italian bread. Refrigerate any remaining sauce.
Enjoy!
February 1st, 2007 at 1:24 pm
In gratitude for Pride Pancakes, I donated $6.95. Gratitude means that I don’t have to eat them or live with them.
Also, what the FUCK is up with L.Johnston’s idea of appropriate human behavior? I realize this isn’t a new question or even a particularly relevant one, given that Mikey ran back into the burning house to save his manuscript and has not been excoriated by any foobian for it. Next to that behavior, Liz’s Dondi-eyes in today’s strip are merely irritating.
But DAMN IT. It’s PERSONAL with me today. I’ve never had to escape a burning house, but I’ve been through the disintegration of relationships. An engagement, even, which Liz’s pairing with Paul was not. And during those painful times, when good things happened to people I loved, I
(are you listening, Lynn? No, of course not. Drink lizard sputum!)
REJOICED WITH THEM. I was happy for them. I needed good news, and when I received it, I embraced it and the friends who told it to me. I did not rush out of the room in tears because the universe happened to give something tasty to someone besides me. I said “Yaaay! You got a raise! Yaaaaay you! Let’s go to dinner! You’re buying!”
… Oh, screw it. I know all this. You know all this. There’s no use protesting the shape of the Foobiverse — it’s like shaking one’s fist at gravity.
*sulk*
February 1st, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Oooh, I just saw Poteet’s #46. I’m not *sulk*ing any more. HEE!
February 1st, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Am I the only person who noticed that the return address on the envelope from the publishing company announcing Michael Patterson’s $25,000 advance and book deal was Judith Regan?
February 1st, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Liz’s Sour Mash
First, everyone look at me. Everyone, OK? Deanna? You want to tell Meredith to look this way? Where’s the cat? Well, go get her! Fine, if it’s not too much trouble somebody bring me:
1 bowl
not that one, the good one for Pete’s sake!
1 bag (9.4 oz) lemon sours
Open bag (use good scissors) and pour contents into bowl. Hello? Anyone?
Now go away, they’re mine.
Serves you right.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Migraina Surprise Muffins
Sift 2 c flour, 1 tsp baking powder, and 1/2 tsp salt. Set aside.
In medium bowl, cream 1 c unsalted butter, 3/4 c light brown sugar, and 3/4 c white sugar.
Lightly beat two eggs in a small bowl.
Pour eggs into a slightly larger bowl and add 1/2 c milk.
Add egg and milk mixture to butter and sugar mixture. Fold in 8 oz julienned squid, 1 tbsp fresh chopped “oregano”, 2 tsp cinnamon, and 3 finely minced shallots sauteed in 2 tbsp salted butter.
Slowly add flour mixture, being careful to dirty at least three more bowls and a stock pot in the process.
Stack dishes untidily in sink.
Begin to pour batter into muffin cups, individual ramekins, own hair, and cat water dishes as desired.
Carrying half-full batter bowl, open door to husband Wingnut carrying bakery box and saying “I picked up some baked goods today, yeah, the smell of the muffins in the bakery was so delicious, why don’t you ever bake anymore?”
Fight urge to batter his butt to the moon.
Serves far, far too many.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:47 pm
s-m: i’ve always heard all these nightmare stories about traffic and crime in los angeles, but apparently it’s all just urban myth. the streets are wide and empty, and the crims are so innefective that they’re terrified of a bad stand up comedian in one-piece pyjamas and so thick that they’re oblivious to the bottom of their car being violently ripped out from under them.
and spider-man, you might want to check out mythbusters about the whole car tethered to a pole a la porky’s scenario. and an encyclopaedia, to see whether cars really can go from 0 to 1 000 000 in 0.3sec to give them any chance of realistically sustaining any damage, given that web tether’s only a bit over two meters long.
hmm, pedantry and spider-man. not a sensible mix.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:53 pm
#88 — forgot the last step.
Add 3 pts OH YEAH!!!!!!
February 1st, 2007 at 1:54 pm
I have more baking-skills than funny-skills to share, I’m afraid, but I appreciate the other commenters picking up my slack. Recipe:
Gingerbread
Ingredients
* 1 1/3 cups unsifted flour
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
* 3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
* 1/2 tsp ground ginger
* 1/4 cup chopped crystallized ginger (if you don’t have crystallized ginger, increase ground ginger to 3/4 teaspoon)
* 1/2 teaspoon allspice
* 1/2 cup butter
* 1/2 cup boiling water
* 1/2 cup turbinado sugar (or brown sugar)
* 1/2 cup molasses
* 1 egg, slightly beaten
Directions
Preheat oven to 350° F. Combine flour, salt, baking powder, soda, cinnamon, ginger, allspice. Add remaining ingredients, mix thoroughly. Pour batter into 8 or 9 inch square pan, greased on bottom only. Bake 30-40 minutes or until top springs back when lightly touched in center.
(Other sizes: bake 11×17 pan for 25-30 minutes, 12-15 cupcakes for 25-30 minutes)
Makes 8 servings (or 1 serving if I am present)
February 1st, 2007 at 1:55 pm
89
This comic is about a guy who can climb walls, shoot miles of webs from his high school science project, and can magically detect danger?
And you notice he parts with credibility when he wrecks a car wrong?
But you are right in general. of all the superheros, Spiderman and reality parted company long ago. I’d say the only wackier one is The Flash.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Bar bet: the diamond store owner in Dick Tracy will be another big-nose jewish/semitic stereotype, just like ‘Al Kaida’ and ‘Dr. Froid’.
February 1st, 2007 at 2:01 pm
48: Comment of the Week!
or at least runner-up!
Anyway, funny!
February 1st, 2007 at 2:03 pm
#92 (Sax) – don’t be too hard on les – I remember a couple threads back when it was Spidey’s inaccurate portrayal of LosAngeles zoning that brought the lurkers out…
February 1st, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Satchel’s File’ Gumbo
First, make a roux
Pick up all the smelly and unidentifiable objects off the ground
Add them
Simmer for an hour
Serve in bowl with file’ (no, that’s not a typo)
February 1st, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I’m surprised no one’s posted:
TDIET Diet Squid
1 squid
dash olive oil
Chop squid. Broil. Serve to Lugbutt and Migrania as the special of the day. Curse when they send it back, because they wanted it deep fried in batter. Never mind that they ordered it diet-style; whatta ya gonna do? Whap ‘em on the moptop with the ol’ frying pan, that’s what! Oh ye-e-e-a-ah!
February 1st, 2007 at 2:17 pm
#96 bootsybooks
Ooooooo! Good comic recipes!
Bucky’s Nine Course Banquet:
Step away from the table people or I’ll be all over you like cedar shavings on a ferret!
February 1st, 2007 at 2:27 pm
# 64 – Bawww, you forgot the grain alcohol!
February 1st, 2007 at 2:29 pm
#92 yeah, fair point.
i can accept the superhero being anomolous, but i do think that the everyday physics around them should work the same way it does for us, barring external influence. of a superhero kind. that sort of thing is important for suspension of disbelief in other areas.
that and spider-man shits me because i used to really like it all the way from childhood, and now the daily strips are just lame and whiny. and it’s 6:00 in the morning, and i should’ve been asleep hours ago instead of worrying about friday deadlines that i’m not going to make and then trying to distract myself from worry with cc play and annoyance at cartoons. eek, may be time to shut down the photoshop and start thinking of reasonable unforseen circumstances. probably a problem at the printers.
February 1st, 2007 at 2:34 pm
I made a little donation in honor of Uncle Lumpy and in thanks to Josh for coming up with the positively brilliant idea of having a guest Curmudgeon while he is on one of his frequent vacations. It’s made the past week much more tolerable. Thanks to both of you!!
February 1st, 2007 at 2:34 pm
I bet a 1/2 bag of Mark Trail Mix would go quickly, but I don’t have the ingredients. I’m sure it would have plenty of chunks of grit and moxie!
February 1st, 2007 at 2:35 pm
#97:
Laughed aloud! I could even see the drawing for this one in my head.
Oh, Migrania and Lugbutt. How I love them :(
February 1st, 2007 at 2:43 pm
TDIET Tea Diet-
Living’ on the edge—
Arfo and the missus heard that drinking nothing but tea is the quick way to weight loss…
“Yeah… it’ll be real easy– a breeze… ah, nothing like tea– Yum-m-m-m! Yeah, tea!”
BUT, comes it the next week and whaddya think’s happened? Well-er-like-ah…er-well…ah-y’know– bend an ear this-wise… oh, yeah-h-h-h!
“Oh-h-h-h– ur-r-p… All this tea!– oof– why th’ #@*$ didja buy a whole crate for, Arfo? Ur-p-p-p!”
“Oh, Mommy, what you said! Belch-h-h…”
February 1st, 2007 at 2:44 pm
#102 – Mark Trail Mix-how brilliant!
Does anyone know what it does contain, aside from a Dick and a couple of beavers?
February 1st, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Curtis’s “Onion” Rings, or possibly ‘Onion‘ Rings
1 can cat food
1 hockey puck
Serve; wait for “PATOO PATOO“.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:03 pm
I too am a better cook than curmudgeon, so here’s my thanks for all you great snarkers . . .
TUSCAN CHICKEN WITH WHITE BEANS AND GREENS
2 Tbsp. olive oil
1 med. onion, sliced
1/2 med. fennel bulb, sliced
1 med. red bell pepper, sliced
2 large garlic cloves, minced
1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp. salt
Black pepper to taste
1-1/4 cups chicken stock
1/2 cup white wine
1 bay leaf
3 med. red potatoes, skin on, cut into bite-sized pieces
2 boneless chicken breast halves
1 15-oz. can white beans, drained
1 med. bunch swiss chard or spinach, leaves only, roughly chopped
Juice of 1 lemon
2 Tbsp. capers
4 thin slices prosciutto, cut crosswise into thin ribbons (optional)
Parmesan cheese, grated
In a dutch oven saute onion, fennel, and bell pepper in olive oil until softened. Add the garlic, red pepper flakes, salt and pepper and sauté for an additional minute. Add the chicken stock, wine, and bay leaf and bring to a simmer. Add the potatoes, reduce heat, cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Season the chicken breasts with salt and pepper and lay them atop the ingredients in the pot. Cover and continue to simmer for about 15 minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through. Remove the chicken and place on a warm plate. Add the beans, chard, lemon juice and capers. Simmer for 3-5 minutes, or until the chard has wilted. Return the chicken to the pot and heat through. Serve in shallow pasta bowls, garnished with prosciutto strips and Parmesan cheese.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:07 pm
I just bought some Plugger Fruitcake. I was going to write some sort of lame fruitcake joke about how there is only one fruitcake in the world and it continously gets passed around each holiday season. Then I was going to compare the lameness of said joke to the general lameness of Pluggers. But I’m too lame. Anyway – I bought some – Thank’s Josh.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:09 pm
beaver wood chips
a little pond water
chard earth
February 1st, 2007 at 3:09 pm
#28 – this site’s for you:
http://www.spork.com/
February 1st, 2007 at 3:11 pm
I guess what cracks me up most is all the Google ads are for cookies today. Yesterday is was herbal cures for cancer.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:15 pm
for #105 Calico
Mark Trail Mix
some Dick
beavers (add more as more become available)
Molly’s Bear Chow(tm)
ubiquduck, cooked medium rare
1 can whoop-ass
Serve to a friend of mine’s bear.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Mark Trail Mix
1 bag Attitude
1 large Flannel shirt (preferably red)
1 cup Crisco
1 large Trout Farmer
1 case Beer
1 bear (small to medium-sized, depending on panel)
1. Take bear for walk in woods.
2. Encounter Trout Farmer by beaver dam.
3. Use attitude.
4. Place red flannel shirt on ground for blanket.
5. Drink case of beer until Trout Farmer “curious.”
6. Slather ass with Crisco.
7. Mix!
February 1st, 2007 at 3:29 pm
13. Chennux, didn’t the ChiComms shoot your satellite down yet? If they did, don’t worry it’s for peaceful research.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:44 pm
thought i’d post recipe for gulab jamun, but it’s a bit involved, which means too much typing, so i’m plumping for a classic that i can actually bake, even if it is a bit cliche.
ANZAC biscuits:
2 cups rolled oats
1/2 cup sugar
1 cup flour
1 tsp cream of tartar
1/2 tsp soda
1/2 cup melted butter
1 tbsp golden syrup
4 tbsp boiling water
dissolve soda in water.
mix dry ingredients, add golden syrup, then soda/water mix.
form biscuits on greased tray and bake at around 180C (350F) for 20 min or until set.
if you get these right, they’re great. if they go wrong, they make really good paving stones.
#111 gh – i think google scans the page for recurring terms, interperets a theme and slants the ads accordingly. or am i teaching you how to suck eggs. sorry, if so.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:46 pm
*Squints in the spotlight of the intergalactic list*
Too bad I got a bunch of attention the day I wore the jeans that keep unzipping themselves.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:50 pm
The February Letters are Up!
The February Letters are Up!
The February Letters are Up!
Yes, I have no life outside of the FOOBerverse. It is kinda sad in a way.
But, Mike goes on and on how great an editor his mom is. Too bad she doesn’t read the crap he posts in his monthly letters. She would smack him upside the head.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:52 pm
LANWAN stirfry
In Lanwan Stirfry, exact proportions are unimportant. What matters here is the spirit of the finished product. This is an energetic dish, yet very calming to prepare. All of the senses are taken into account. This results in a manifestation of love and harmony among many diverse components. Please select your ingredients only after a brief period of meditation.
No one ought to need a knife to eat this dish. Cut the ingredients into small pieces of about the same size. Bites will contain several components, yet not overfill the mouth. No flavor may be too dominant. Everything about the serving should merge to provide a delightful dining experience. Eating this dish should give only pleasures, not challenges.
As our meat we have selected the plentiful and economic chicken. Prepare the meat the day before cooking. Cut chicken breast meat into morsels. Sprinkle on cornstarch, coating each piece individually. Moisten with soy sauce, crushed garlic, and oyster sauce. Mix thoroughly and cover tightly. This will allow the flavors to merge overnight.
There are many possibilities, but we have chosen the understated green and red peppers along with the amiable mushroom. If you prefer firmer veggies such as the common carrot or the hauty jicama, cut them into thin slices and include them first when adding the vegetables.Cut vegetables into bite sized squares. Always consider texture and color.
We have also selected the wonderful jalepeno pepper to bring a renewing warmth to our humble dish. The pepper is seeded and very finely diced, insuring that no single bite is overwhelmed by this fine yet authoritative flavor. Be especially mindful at this stage. Remember the virtue of moderation particularly in the realm of the warming of the blood.
Have a bowl ready with some cold chicken broth, vegetable broth or even pure water. Mix some cornstarch thoroughly into the broth. The amount of starch depends on how much body you want in the resulting sauce. The mixture will settle very quickly, so give it another quick stir before adding this element to the wok later in the cooking process.
Heat the wok before adding a little olive oil. Now turn the heat up high. Just as the oil begins to smoke, empty the chicken quickly into the bottom of the wok. Start stirring, keeping the chicken moving vigorously so that the meat is cooked quickly and uniformly. When the chicken is almost fully cooked, remove the tender chunks and set them aside.
If necessary, adjust the amount of oil. Introduce the vegetables in order of cooking time. In our version, we add the mushrooms first, then the peppers after the mushrooms have released some of their water. We always strive to have all the components peak together. Be aware that the cooking at the bottom of the wok is the most vigorous, so stir, stir, stir.
When the vegetables are almost done, return the meat to the wok, and add the broth and starch mixture, continuing to stir. As soon as the starch thickens, remove the wok from the heat and place the finished Lanwan Stirfry on a serving platter. Sprinkle with crushed cashew nuts. Garnish the plate to enhance the visual enjoyment of the presentation.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:04 pm
A3G: Tommie says “Human contact! Can’t relate! Asks my opinion! Opinion? What is this Earth “opinion”? Err…or… Err-or… error… errrroorrrr… ” And then Tommie bursts into a small cloud of sparks and smoke with a bzzzak! that is both frightening and yet oddly boring.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:04 pm
#115 lesles
Yeah, that was pretty much my point. Like they think, well, they don’t think. I guess that’s my point. If we all talked about squid tomorrow, I wonder what kind of ads that would generate?
Nice recipe though!
February 1st, 2007 at 4:08 pm
#84 Maybe Liz is upset because she thinks Michael is a douche and his book sucks.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:09 pm
ATTENTION EARTHERS! CHENNUX ANSWERS QUESTIONS FROM FEEBLE SUPPLICANTS, BOTH DANCING AND NON-DANCING!
#17 LESLES – WE HAVE SUFFICIENT DANCING BEARS WITH DINGO! WE ARE ALSO BETTING ON CHICAGO TO COVER THE SPREAD!
#21 TECHININ – CHECK WITH THE SMORLAX AT THE VELVET ROPE BY THE #7 AIRLOCK. YOU’RE ON THE LIST.
#32 TURTLEBOY – NO SIGNIFiCANT OTHERS! HOWEVER, SHE CAN HAVE THE BILTMORE HOUSE AND MUNCH ON UNCOOKED PASTA UNTIL THE FOOBACALYPSE!
#42 GADGE – I’D MOON YOU BACK, BUT YOU’D TURN TO STONE AND THEN COULD NOT DANCE FOR MY AMUSEMENT! AND BRUSH UP ON YOUR HTML!
#46 POTEET – BACK TO DANCING! THIS TIME – TAP!
#51 RED G. – SEE POTEET ABOVE
#77 AHCLEM – SORRY, ONLY BOZOS ON THIS BUS!
#114 MOSS – SOMETHING SPLATTED ON THE WINDSHIELD OF THE DESTROYER ‘ELVIS’ THAT HAD ‘MADE IN CHINA’ PRINTED ON THE TAG. WE THOUGHT IT WAS THE REMAINS OF THE WALMART SPACE STATION.
END TRANSMISSION!
February 1st, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Foob: So Mike Patterson goes on about how his mother is such a great editor, thus explaining why he sent in his novel and got a check without having to spend six months editing and rewriting. Sounds very contrived. Sounds like Lynn Johnston got a load of letters from actual writers saying that this would never happen. Sounds like in order for the Foob strip to make sense, we have to log on and visit the land where creepy figures blink at us as if their souls were somehow caught and stuck into this cessile purgatory for all eternity.
A friend of mine (yes I have friends – yes I have to pay them) once ranted about some movies that are incomprehensible unless you read the book. The movie or other work should stand alone. You shouldn’t have to refer to a companion piece in a different medium in order to understand something. Foob also violates this law with its monthly letters. Why do I have to go to the web site and read Mike’s pompous drivel just to figure out that Lynn Johnston is a thinly veiled hack?
February 1st, 2007 at 4:15 pm
BEAVER WITH SOUR CREAM
2 – 4 lbs. cut beaver
1/2 cup flour
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. paprika
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup water
1 cup sour cream
Oil to cover
1 onion
Clean beaver and soak overnight in salted water (1 tbsp. salt to 1 quart water). Drain, cut up, and roll in 1/2 cup flour seasoned with 1 tsp. salt and 1/4 tsp. paprika. Fry in fat until browned. Then cover the beaver with sliced onion. Sprinkle the onion slices with 1/2 tsp. salt. Add 1/2 cup water. Cover the skillet tightly. Simmer for 1 hour. Add 1 cup sour cream the last 15 minutes of cooking time. Serves 2 – 4 depending on the size of the animal.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:23 pm
124. Beaver with sour cream? Isn’t that what Vagicil is for?
February 1st, 2007 at 4:25 pm
#14 – Yello – Woah, I don’t know who has more serious issues – Mike Patterson or the intense author of that manifesto picking apart the minutia and perversity of the Foobian brain with such relentless vengeance.
Not that I disagree.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Cheese Grits (serves 125)
1. Bring to boil 3-1/2 gallons water with ¼ cup salt and 15 sticks of butter.
2. Beat together five dozen eggs and one gallon of milk. (You can use soy milk if you want, but it tastes like sh*t.)
3. Add four boxes Quaker Instant Grits to boiling water/sale/butter mixture, cook until gooey.
4. Add aggs and milk. Stir well.
5. Add four pounds cheddar cheese.
6. Pour into a large number of greased (or “Pamâ€-ed) baking pans, but not more than 2†deep in any one of them.
7. Bake for 30 minutes at 375 (F).
8. Let sit for 10 minutes before serving.
I’ve left my monthly tip:
Vanilla Latte – $3.75
Bluebarry Muffin – $1.25
Skipping two a month to donate $10 to Josh – priceless.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:28 pm
125. Oops, wrong feminine hygiene product! That’s for the beaver in wine sauce. Monistat is for the cheezy beaver.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:35 pm
#119 Tommie is a fembot? This explains so much…
February 1st, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Add tomato paste noodles and and you have Beaver Stroken-off.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:37 pm
#14 yellojkt
WOW! I wasn’t able to get on earlier, but . . . just wow!
February 1st, 2007 at 4:41 pm
Uncle Lumpy
As I push away from the table, thank you. You knew just what we needed. After all that purging and purging yesterday – man, was I hungry. Yesterday: cement biscuits. Today: meringue!
February 1st, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Mr. & Mrs. Mogen’s Authentic Italian Cream Cake with Cream Cheese Icing
Use search engine to find complicated recipe from Gormet magazine with 47 ingredients
Realize you have like, five of said ingredients, and since we live in rural Kentucky we can only find another two or three at the store.
Ooh and aah about how great it would taste if only we didn’t live in a back-asswards bumblefuck town.
Microwave some hot dogs. Mmmm…
Consider Uncle SPOI’s Whiskey & Hooker recipe. Add evasive action to avoid rapidly approaching body blow from Mrs. Mogen. Kiss.
February 1st, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Wow, those crooks are so distracted by their fear of Spidey that they haven’t noticed:
1. That huge crunching noise a second ago when their car was torn in half.
2. That big bump when their car got torn in half.
3, The scenery outside their windows is no longer moving.
4. There’s no longer any wind coming in the windows.
5. That big bump when Spidey landed on the roof.
6. The engine is now running in the red and whining like a FOOB.
I’m on my way to LA to become a crime boss. I’ve got some pocket calculators, mirrors, and strike-anywhere matches with which to marvel the local criminals.
February 1st, 2007 at 5:17 pm
#133 Welcome to Bumblefuck!
February 1st, 2007 at 5:19 pm
2-bit beaver with Chlamydia = quarter pounder w/ cheese.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:08 pm
. . . and #136, that is the most nauseating thing I’ve ever heard. I’ll have one of those.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Uncle Lumpy – Great idea to have a bake sale!! There are so many creative and funny people out there! I got a huge ROI on my ten buck donation!
Josh will be so surprised when he returns.
Maybe we should have a potluck next month.
Thanks everyone for keeping me otherwise occupied today.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:14 pm
#115 Leslie: My husband is Bengali and even he makes gulab jamun from a box mix.
Grampa Foob’s All-Time Favorite Banana Bread Evah:
INGREDIENTS
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs, beaten
1/4 cup butter, melted
3 very ripe bananas, mashed
(”Optional”: dates/raisins and/or coconut flakes and/or chopped maraschino cherries and/or pineapple tidbits, drained, to taste.)
DIRECTIONS
Grease and flour two 7×3 inch loaf pans.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
In one bowl, whisk together flour, soda, salt, and sugar. Mix in slightly beaten eggs, melted butter, and mashed bananas. Stir in nuts if desired. Pour into prepared pans.
Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 1 hour, or until a wooden toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:48 pm
I don’t know if you guys have seen this before, but
Rex Morgan has advice for you and your unborn child
Apparently exposing your fetus to alcohol, tobacco or firearms is a bad idea. Who knew?
February 1st, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Plugger Soup
In a large dented stewpot your Uncle Leron forgot at your house, add the following:
1 lb lowered expectations, minced
4 tsp complacency
2 qts overripe smugness
6 cups distilled water
1 can Spam
add Whining to taste. Stir and heat until lukewarm. Garnish with iceberg lettuce and serve.
February 1st, 2007 at 7:13 pm
B.C. Bourbon Cake*
1 package butter recipe yellow cake mix
1 package (4-serving size) vanilla instant pudding and pie filling mix
3/4 cup water
1/3 cup sour cream
1/4 cup butter or margarine, softened
1/4 cup bourbon
1 teaspoon grated orange peel
4 eggs
1/2 cup vanilla ready-to-spread frosting
2 teaspoons bourbon
1/4 cup chopped pecans
Heat oven to 350ºF. Grease and flour 12-cup bundt cake pan or 10×4-inch angel food cake pan (tube pan). Beat dry cake mix, dry pudding mix, water, sour cream, butter, 1/4 cup bourbon, the orange peel and eggs in large bowl with electric mixer on low speed 30 seconds. Beat on medium speed 2 minutes. Spread in pan.
Bake 45 to 50 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 15 minutes; remove from pan. Cool completely, about 2 hours.
Place frosting in small microwavable bowl. Microwave uncovered on Medium (50%) 15 seconds. Stir in 2 teaspoons bourbon. Pour over top of cake, allowing some to drizzle down side. Sprinkle pecans over frosting. Store loosely covered.
I use Wild Turkey in this. It’s equally good with dark rum, though. I love this cake, because it’s damned easy, but quite delicious. And pretty, too–it seems to impress the heck out of people.
*The B.C. stands for a well-known cake mix brand–there’s no Johnny Hart seal of approval on this baby!
February 1st, 2007 at 7:15 pm
This particular entry reminds me of a “comic” called Cheap Thrills Cuisine. I use “comic” in quotes because it’s more a series of quick-and-easy recipes that run in the comics page every Wednesday.
February 1st, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Mary’s Famous Casserole
1 cup Aldo blood
2 cups frozen peas (mashed to a pulp)
4 tablespoons human tears
2 cups flour
1 cup concrete
Mix ingredients together and pour the Aldo blood over the top. Bake for 15 minutes at 450 degrees Fahrenheit and let cool. Serve it to new neighbors or stalkers.
February 1st, 2007 at 7:52 pm
#122 –
My shameless begging for attention has spared my life!!! I will dance the conga, the merengue and the macarena for the emperor’s pleasure!
Now where did I put my maracas??
February 1st, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Although I am a poor grad student, I was moved to donate today when I considered that the amount of enjoyment I get here in a single week is without a doubt worth more than the $10 I would have to pay for a movie in LA.
Thank you, Uncle Lumpy, for reminding us how important it is to acknowledge the value of this site and the community it fosters. I will honor Curmudgeon in my heart, and keep it all the year.
February 1st, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Chocolate Chip Brownies (Care of one of the American Heritage cookbooks I think…)
Makes 9-16
4 ounces unsweetened chocolate
1 cup unsalted butter
2 cups sugar
4 large eggs
1/2 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/4 teaspoons vanilla
3/4 cup chopped walnuts
1 (6-ounce) package semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup powdered sugar
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Melt the chocolate and butter together in a heavy saucepan over low heat. Remove from heat and stir in the sugar. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Stir in the flour, sal, and vanilla. Add nuts and chocolate chips. Pour into a buttered 9-inch square pan. Bake for 35 minutes. Do not overbake. Brownies should be very moist. Cool in the pan. Dust the cooled brownies with powdered sugar and cut into squares.
I also have a recipe for Death by Chocolate which is just divine~ I actually almost made some people at work drunk off of it ^^ But that was because I didn’t follow some of the directions.
I’m still debating whether or not to post that recipe…
February 1st, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Pseudo Turtles
Ingredients: mini pretzels, Rolos candies, shelled pecans
Preheat oven to 250 degrees.
Cover cookie sheet with aluminum foil.
Place mini pretzels on cookie sheet.
Top each pretzel with a Rolo.
Bake in over for 5 minutes, or until Rolos are softened.
Immediately after removing from oven, press a pecan into each Rolo.
Eat when completely cooled.
These taste just like Turtles, and they are delicious.
(Recipe originally developed by those accursed beavers from Mark Trail.)
February 1st, 2007 at 8:48 pm
# 122 — Tappity tap tap tappity tap tap tap tappity tappity tap tappity tap…(pause, pant) — Your Supreme Amazingness, this may not be prudent to point out, but you could see much better dancing than mine in any number of movies made on our planet, and you could project them on one of your giant galactic threllscreens and pop a lot of popcorn, and — okay, sorry, sorry, never mind, profuse apologies, and yes, I agree that Gadge and Dingo’s buck and wing is probably unique in this dimension of reality and that Kate and Squid Countess and Islamorada Girl’s dancing is quite scenic… tappity tappity tap tap tap tap tap tappity tappity…
February 1st, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Chilled herbal tea:
1. Place six teabags of berry-flavored herbal tea in a two-liter pitcher of water.
2. Refrigerate for four hours.
3. Enjoy calorie-free, caffeine-free, berry-flavored beverage.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:00 pm
On RACS nickleshrink pointed out that in Mike’s October Letter he said My publisher has seen my outline (which is changing) and has read the twelve chapters now edited and put aside. I have a contract, the deadline of which has been extended.. So why is Mike so surprised that 4 months later he has a contract?
February 1st, 2007 at 9:14 pm
#20, You’re very close, but drop the question mark. Canadians (mostly in rural Ontario) aren’t asking a question or saying “right?” The half-syllable just sort of attaches itself to the last syllable of the last word, an aural barnicle.
(/pedant)
February 1st, 2007 at 9:30 pm
True Ravioli with Fabled Mariara Sauce
Oh, unless you just want to buy the frozen kind at the store and bring the cold heartless stuff home and reheat it in a lifeless microwave or something. Move over, Blondie, and let a Real Cook show you how it’s done.
Brown 1/2 lb. hamburger with 1/3 cup minced onion and 1 pressed garlic clove. Drain off liquid & remove from heat. Stir in 2 tablespoons parmesan cheese & 1/4 cup minced parsley, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1 egg. Stir it all well and set aside. Curse Lynn Johnston on principle. Go ahead, you’ve got time.
In 2 quart pan over medium heat, brown 2 garlic cloves and small chopped onion in 2 tablespoons of olive oil. When onions are translucent but for heaven’s sake long before the garlic burns, pour in 2 cans of 16 ounce tomato sauce. Add a 6 ounce can of tomato paste if you want, I don’t care one way or the other, it’s up to you. Check to make sure the bears in your backyard understand the instructions so there is no hostility. Add 1 tablespoon of sugar and 2 teaspoons of basil and 1 1/2 teasoons of salt into sauce and stir well. Simmer on low 20 minutes or until thickened, which is where that paste comes in handy, Sluggo.
in large bowl, combine 1 cup of flour, 1/3 cup water, 2 eggs, 1 tablespoon olive or salad oil & 1 teaspoon salt. Stir the hell out of it, or beat for 2 minutes under a mixer at low speed. Stir in another oh, say, a cup of flour until it makes a soft dough.
Turn the dough out on a clean floured surface, knead it, that means fold it over and over onto itself, and squeeze and press it with a fist (No, Dingo, No!! Sit. Behave. Ssh.) Knead dough until smooth and it springs back when you poke it like Gary Dent gone wild. 10 minutes ought to do it, don’t go like, crazy or nuthin’. Cover dought and let it rest for 30 minutes, you’ve been punching it after all.
Separate that bad boy into six pieces. On a lightly floured surface with floured hands, roll each piece (one at a time, fool) with a rolling pin into 18″ by 4″ rectangles, then cut 4″ by 2″ pieces. Or something close enough. Use a pizza cutting wheel to cut it with, it’s much easier than a knife. Use the knife on old copies of Cathy. Rip it, rip it good, Devo.
Oh, yeah, the ravioli – Drop a teaspoonful of meat filling on one half of the 4×2 rectangles, leaving 1/2 inch clear at the 3 end-edges. Fold dough over filling, bring edges together and press edges together with a 4 tined fork. Save the 3 tined forks for the shrimp cocktail; were you born in a barn?!?
Place ravioli in one layer on a floured, clean cloth or paper towels until you’ve made them all (6 pieces, remember) you can let them dry for 30 minutes but I am hungry and perpetually run late so go ahead and do this:
In 8 quart Saucepot, heat 6 qts water, 2 Tablespoons salt, 1 tablespoon olive oil to boiling. Add ravioli and stir occasionally, heat back to boiling. Reduce heat & cook 5 minutes until tender.
Drain. Serve. Slather in Marinara Sauce, sprinkle with grated cheese and tell Garfield to go screw himself, this ain’t lasagna. He should not have been such a one-trick pony for all these years.
Pass the garlic bread. What, no garlic bread? well that sucks.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:38 pm
dessert for 124’s beaver:
Title: Spotted Dick
Categories: desserts, english
Yield: 6 servings
8 oz self-raising flour
1 pn of salt
4 oz margarine
2 oz castor sugar (superfine)
4 oz to 6 oz sultanas (big
-raisins)
6 tb water
1) Have ready a sheet of foil or a double thickness of grease proof
paper brushed with melted margarine. 2) Make the pudding crust: Sieve
the flour and the salt. Rub in the margarine. Add the sugar and
sultanas. Mix in the water to make a soft dough. 3) Turn out onto a
floured board and form into a roll. 4) Wrap loosely but securely in
the grease proof paper or foil. Tie or seal the ends. 5) Place in the
steamer and cover tightly. Steam for 1.1/2 to 2 hours. 6) Serve with
hot custard sauce or sprinkle with castor sugar. Variation: At stage
3: Put the mixture in a medium-sized (1.1/2 pint) pudding basin with
a round of grease proof paper in the bottom and brush all round
inside with melted margarine. Smooth the top. Cover with foil, or
double grease proof paper brushed underneath with melted margarine
and steam for 1.1/2 to 2 hours. Serve with hot Custard sauce or
sprinkle with castor sugar.
Shared by Sylvia Mease (Cookie Lady)
February 1st, 2007 at 9:58 pm
Guacamole (OK, it’s not a sweet munchie like the cannabinoid-heads among you (you know who you are) like to eat when you’re high, but it’s still good):
6 good, ripe avocados
3 limes
5-6 good size leaves cilantro, chopped
2 large jalapeno peppers (please imagine the tilde that’s supposed to be over the “n” in “jalapeno”), seeds and stems removed (you cannabinoid-heads (you know who you are) know all about “removing stems and seeds”), chopped into about .5 cm square pieces
3/4 of a good sized red bell pepper, seeds and stem removed, chopped into 1 cm squared pieces
1/2 to 3/4 good-sized red onion, chopped into about 1 cm squared pieces (remove outer papery layers of onion first!)
Mix the chopped veggies (jalapenos, red pepper, onion, and cilantro) in a bowl.
Cut the limes in half.
Peel each avocado by hand (wash your hands before making this guacamole!) and squish it up by hand over the bowl of veggies, removing pit as you do so and adding juice of 1/2 lime immediately after to each avocado
When all the lime-juiced, semi-squished avocados are in the bow, mix it all up together with the veggie mixture so it is the same consistency, using a large wooden spoon
Serve immediately with your favorite salsa and tortilla chips
February 1st, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Grampa Jim’s Heavenly Prime Rib
1 prime rib
Have stroke. Let prime rib sit for all eternity.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Oh boy, I was mentioned by the Galactic Emperor Chennux! I…I… need to sharpen my snarkin’ teeth, I suspect a challenge somewhere in that veiled honor.
#36 Chort: Err rules! But for cryin out loud, those 2 bozos who were arrested make me ashamed to acknowledge that we share the same basic DNA. “That’s not a hair question., hyuk.” Any publicity is good publicity, my ass! It only rings true as long as the publicity doesn’t make consumers wonder, “did they even interview those two before they hired them to do marketing?”
oh, one more recipe:
Poteet Surprise
Take 1 True Fable, mix well with Black Label until grinning like idiot. Strip him of outerwear and accompanying dignity and pour him into a basket. Leave on Poteet’s doorstep. Ring doorbell and run.
Hiya, Poteet! Surprised?
February 1st, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Thank you, Your Imperialness for putting your stamp of approval on my existence. I’m glad someone appreciates me. I am doing the foxtrot like Fred and Ginger.
CHESAPEAKE BAY SEVEN COURSE MEAL
1 six pack Bud
1 crabcake
February 1st, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Alright ya buncha scruffy terr’ist bums, the jig is up. Put your flappers up in the air where I can see ‘em! That’s right – no funny business, and no one gets hurt. And don’t none of you cheeseballs tell me you didn’t know that “Galactic Emperor Chennux” wasn’t on the Department’s watch list as a known terrorist. Oh, you look surprised, do ya? Awww, I’ll see ya get nominated for an Oscar for that, kiddo. And this “Josh”? We caught him crossing the Arizona state line with a cache of weapons-grade snarkonium. You mugs have any idea what a scumbag like Chennux here would do if he got a holda that kinda stuff? He’d make LA look like Cleveland in February, and Cleveland look like the blackened pit in the heart of Tom Batiuk’s soul, that’s what.
We got the joint surrounded! And – what the hell, the one with the beard and the boat-wrestling sweatshirt, oh my God what the hell is…
Where’d everybody go? Chennux?
Dammit…
February 1st, 2007 at 10:25 pm
#158 Isamorada Girl, that sounds like something to have with my baked lobster, as soon as I can get the stubborn little bastard wasted.
and hey hey HEY! We appreciate you! Why, I’ll even save some tail for you, if you want.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:45 pm
Okay I’ll post the Death by Chocolate now, since it’s fun to get people drunk, right?
Death By Chocolate (c/o one of my former co-workers (thanks Celeste!))
Ingredients:
1 box of your favorite brownie mix
1 box of chocolate pudding (prepared as a pie filling) or 1 box of chocolate mousse mix
1 8 oz. container of Cool Whip
8 Heath or Skor bars
1/4 cup Kahlua
Utensils:
Baking pan for brownies
Medium bowl for pudding/chocolate mousse
Knife to cut brownies into pieces
Spatulas/Spreading utensils to spread pudding/mousse/whipped cream
Something to smash the candy bars into small bits (remember to keep candy bars in wrapper until pounded into crumbs)
Dish of your choice to place layered dessert in (glass works best because the layers will then be visible)
Directions:
Brownies
Prepare brownie mix as directed. Let brownies cool. When cool, poke hole throughout the top of the brownies (to maximize absorption of Kahlua) Pour 1/4 cup Kahlua over top of brownies and let it stand for about 1/2 hour.
(You can use cold brownies for this, but you might want to lower the coffee liqueur amount since fresh baking them lets some of the alcohol burn off.)(This is how I got my coworkers a little buzzed because I used 1/2 a cup or more of liqueur and they weren’t warm from the oven)
Pudding/Mousse
Prepare pudding/pie filling or mousse mix as directed. Let chill. Refer to instructions for chilling time.
Smash the candy bars
Place unopened candy bars on wooden cutting board. Using a mallet, hammer, rolling pin, or any other hard object suitable for moderate smashing, pound the candy bars into crumbs.
Begin Layers (thickness of layers depends on the size of the presenting dish)
1. Start with the brownie. Make a layer of brownie at the bottom of your dish.
2. Over the brownie, spread a layer of mousse/pudding.
3. Over the mousse/pudding, spread a layer of whip cream.
4. Finally, cut off one end of a candy bar wrapper and sprinkle enough crumbs over the whip cream to make a thin layer.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until incredients are gone. Aim for three layers, but layers depend on the size of your dish.
6. Best if chilled overnight.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:59 pm
NO BAKE OATMEAL COOKIES THAT EVERYONE HAS THE INGREDIENTS FOR IN THEIR PANTRY!
4 Tablespoons Cocoa
2 cups sugar or Splenda alternative (check conversion)
1/4 pound butter (or margarine if you can stomach it)
1/2 cup of milk (the more fat content the better)
but even 1% will work
1 pinch salt = 1/10 the size of your normal blow for one inhalation
1 cup peanut butter (smooth or crunchy) whichever you like the best
3 cups Oatmeal (old fashioned cook for 5 minutes kind) put in large bowl
set the peanut butter and oatmeal to the side
bring all the other ingredients to boil over MEDIUM heat for 2 minutes. STIR STIR STIR to keep it from burning!
Turn heat off after 2 minutes of boiling
mix in the peanut butter and let it melt good
pour mixture into the large bowl of oatmeal and stir
if they seem to soft and liquidy just add a 1/2 cup of oatmeal to the mix before spooning them out
until they are the right firmness.
spoon out onto anything you can find. Wax paper works good but so do clean kitchen counter’s (as opposed to the bathroom counter.
YUMMMMMM
you can put them if the fridge if you want.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:59 pm
My Mom’s Not-For-Company Pumpkin Pie
1 can pumpkin pie filling
Cinnamon and nutmeg to taste
Frozen pie crust, in its own aluminum pie pan
Remove the frozen crust. Do not notice the pan stays in the bag with other crusts.
Fill crust, place in oven.
Hear sizzling; smell burning.
Open oven, yell “Shit! Shit! Shit!” as you grab a spatula, then a spoon, then a cookie sheet.
Retrieve pie pan from bag. Scoop filling and pieces of crust from cookie sheet into pie pan.
Finish baking.
Do not serve to company.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:02 pm
# 157 — Hiya, True Fable! Gee, you’re cute when you’re Black Labeled! And I see we’ve both snuck off from the dancing. I won’t tell Chennux on you if you won’t tell on me.
February 1st, 2007 at 11:05 pm
20. “Milk-a” was what it sounded like when Kevin Thompson did the “Whole Lotta Milk-a” sketch, but okay.
“Milk-eh” Yeah, that looks about right…
February 1st, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Has anyone here noticed what’s happened at the Drunk at Work / Medium Large site? Ces has left the building — permanently, apparently — according to Carol, the woman so well-known to CC denizens as the wearer of the Roadside T-shirt.
Wonder if we’ll soon see the Forths splitting up — would they have to rename the strip the Halfs?
February 1st, 2007 at 11:48 pm
On second thought, would that be the Eighths?
February 2nd, 2007 at 5:15 am
Okay, I was doing pretty good resisting the bake sale, until I got to Heckler123’s Pseudo Turtles! Mmmm… PayPallie!
February 2nd, 2007 at 5:20 am
And thank you, O Galactic Emperor Chennux, for sparing us from a crispy demise. You’re not such a bad guy after all.
February 2nd, 2007 at 11:22 am
Holy Buckets! Shrimp fork? Rolling Pin? Saute? Who the [margo] do you people think I am? Don Flippin’ Prudhomme? No, not the drag racing one, the other one. He used to cook on QVC or Oprah or something. (Although, gotta admit: being The Snake would be pretty boss. Hey, remember when Hot Wheels had the Snake and Mongoose funny car replicas? Sometimes you see ‘em on Ebay. And you never know – maybe Don the Snake Prudomme was just a good a cook as Don the other guy Prudomme. I’m guessin’ BBQ, cause, you know, NHRA is kinda like NASCAR. Yeah. A couple of MGDs, frying up a mess-o-catfish, hanging out with Big Daddy Don Garlits and Shirley Muldowney. The Pink Lady hersself. Hubba hubba. Well, I guess NHRA ain’t quite like NASCAR – the races are a lot shorter. Like NASCAR on Ritalin. And no quite so family oriented, you know, what with the more-stuff-on-fire and the third-degree-burns and the wet T-shirt contests and whatnot. Like DisneyWorld, if it had been built by Democrats.)
Um, where was I?
Oh yeah: shrimp forks. Hey, Archimedes! Enough with the kooky talk! I ain’t never seen no shrimp fork. I can’t tell you the difference between romaine and endive. Or what “cilantro†is. I also can’t tell you what hello-kitty ring tones sound like, the difference between a good vibrator and a bad vibrator, or the what plot of Steel Magnolias is. You see, it’s because I’m not a chick. Capisce? I have the culinary skills of Piltdown man. The only cookbook I ever read was about the Royal Navy. I don’t saute. I don’t chop. Or mince. In fact, the pinnacle of my hand-eye coordination is: point Mr. Shrinky at the toilet. And truth be told, many a morning my probability of circular error makes the missile defense shield look like Mark GcGwire at the Special Olympics. I look like a bidet with a hangover.
So, Mr. Fancypants, (if that is indeed your real name), you keep your shrimp forks and your “cooked†meat. Real men eat Ramen. Or squirrels which they stun by shooting wheat pennies out of the elastic waistband from an old pair of garnanimals. We use sweatsocks as coffee filters. Sheesh.
Dessert, anyone?
February 2nd, 2007 at 11:53 am
Spoi, the cooking guy is Paul Prudhomme.
February 2nd, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Hey SPOI, that Royal Navy cookbook wasn’t called “To Serve Man,” was it?
Yours etc. Captain B.J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
February 2nd, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Pah, away with you and your “facts” Bootsy….
PS: Shallots? Gahh!
February 2nd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Bake Sale!?! I love to bake! I made aTin Roof Fudge pie and a Raspberry Cheesecake pie just this week!!
February 2nd, 2007 at 6:12 pm
SPOI: Geez. The best receipe I can offer, and you call me names. Dude, cooking is awesome. It is practical. It is impressive to the ladies. It gets me laid! Laid like a rug, man!
Okay, fine then. I’ll use Bird’s-Eye dinners and only get a kiss on the cheek goodnight from now on, and later I’ll show up at my grandmother’s house this year for dinner and use the salad fork for every course, at which point the family will beat the crap beat out of me with a cane.
February 2nd, 2007 at 7:01 pm
OK, no one is going to see this, but…DAMN…True Fable and Nyssa23 and SPOI…you are among the reasons I watch this blog. Just too damn funny. Thanx and a tip of the hat.
February 3rd, 2007 at 12:03 am
# 176 — I saw it, wille, and I agree with you. (And you’re a reason also.)
February 4th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Really late, but…
Killer Peach Cobbler
1 pint vanilla ice cream
1/2 pin brandy
1 cup Kellogg’s frosted flakes, or off-brand alternative
*Allow ice cream to melt.
*Stir in brandy
*Sprinkle cereal on top.
*Put back in fridge.
No peaches, you say? Hell, you’ll be plastered enough, you’ll swear there are.
Or if you insist, you can use peach brandy.
February 5th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
GREETINGS! I AM GALACTIC GENERAL CONREINE! CHENNUX HAS SUMMONED MY FLEET FOR ASSISTANCE! THE ONE CALLED LUGBUTT EMBARRASES AND ENRAGES CHENNUX (AND BY PROXY, ME)! I HAVE BROUGHT FROM ZYLEX ENOUGH WEAPONRY TO REDUCE THIS PUNY CLASS M SPACE ROCK TO A CLASS Z MOLECULE! SURRENDER OR DIE, LUGBUTT!
END TRANSMISSION!
February 5th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
# 179 — General Conreine, while we earthlings are always deeply interested in any threats of planetary annihilation aimed in our direction, your threat has been made on a thread that may be vaporized into the “Archives” at any moment. You might want to take your fleet and weaponry to the newest posting and re-threaten us there. Thanks for reading this, and have a nice day!
September 17th, 2008 at 7:11 am
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