The Comics Curmudgeon

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Blush! Meddle! Breed!

Apartment 3G, 2/1/07

Ah, Tommie, Tommie. Don’t you know the nondescript, blue-suited brunette guy will only break your heart? The nondescript blonde guy is the way to go, even though he’ll never ring your bell. Blush on, girl – heartbreak ahead!

Mary Worth, 2/1/07

Ah, Mary, Mary. Halfway around the world, and yet you meddle. And Dr. Tran is a damn saint – I’d tear your freakin’ head off.

Mark Trail, 2/1/07

Fastest. Beavers. Ever.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 1, 2007 at 12:49 am and is filed under Apartment 3-G, Mark Trail, Mary Worth.

130 responses to “Blush! Meddle! Breed!”

Donny
February 1st, 2007 at 12:53 am [Reply]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea7oIraV2Q0

Watch out Mary! He’s not a doctor!
Greth
February 1st, 2007 at 12:55 am [Reply]

Alas, scooped!

By the way, that fellow in 3G seems to have some sort of patience issue. Though, I imagine that “Speak, Woman” is exactly he would address such a plebe.
Blynneda
February 1st, 2007 at 12:58 am [Reply]

Does anyone actually say “Speak, Woman” with a straight face? You’d think that alone would be the cold shower Tommie needs to get rid of Leisure Suit Moustache Guy.

Then again, at least it’s not Granthony.
Mike P
February 1st, 2007 at 1:00 am [Reply]

I think the “Speak, Woman!” guy should hook up with the “More zippers, Mule!” woman. Within weeks their relationship would rule the city like an iron fist.
Alex Blase
February 1st, 2007 at 1:01 am [Reply]

Shoot the beaver, Dick, and babies will come out!

Sick, sick, sick, sick.

On a lighter note, I guess it’s just not just Johnston who thinks a moustache is the sexiest thing since a double headed dildo. Even a bundled up lezzie like Tommie Thompson can’t avoid the Siren call of moustache. Of course, in the real world, that actor would be relegated to plotless video porn.
Darthita
February 1st, 2007 at 1:06 am [Reply]

But Dr. Tran is giving out good, hot dickings, so perhaps Mary’s already planning to move on from Jeff and Oh My God I just icked myself out ew ew ew! Bleurgh. *sporks eyes*

On the plus side, from now on I will be imagining the Dr. Tran theme music playing in the background to all Mary Worth strips.
Cedar
February 1st, 2007 at 1:12 am [Reply]

Dr. Jeff looks pretty sexy in that first panel.
mfdshan
February 1st, 2007 at 1:15 am [Reply]

2/1 JP: Oh God, I didn’t need to know that…
Djur
February 1st, 2007 at 1:21 am [Reply]

This may be one of the most impressively bad A3G strips ever. Each panel is a travesty of mediocre proportions.

First panel: The artist was clearly drunk when he drew dear Tommie and Margo here — the former has a barrel chest and twisted lips, and the latter has the face of one of Mark Trail’s beavers. Also: “The voice of the people?”

Second panel: Dear God, he’s clearly the love child of Augusto Pinochet and Adolf Hitler, spawned in some godforsaken South American neo-nazi laboratory. It doesn’t help that he’s a hunchback and appears to be mixing up some Alka-Seltzer.

Third panel: Apparently Tommie has a she-boner for pushy, chauvinistic men. What the fuck is happening to her face? Is it too much to ask the coloring gnomes to use a little, ya know, red on those blushes?
Boshek
February 1st, 2007 at 1:22 am [Reply]

I love the fact that there’s a character named Dr. Tran, as two other commenters have already alluded to. I also like A3G and what’s developing into one of the most lumpy, unmotivated and strange love triangles this side of FOOB. I can just imagine the meeting at A3G HQ:
Writer: Alright, we’ve got a guy with a moustache who recieves schoolgirl blushes from Tommie and yells at her,a blonde nebish in glasses who nobody can remember and finds Tommie hot and Tommie, who even I forgot existed until yesterday. It’s bland, alright.
Artist: All is going as planned. Soon, this strip will collapse into a black hole of dull, forgettable characters, destroying its spot on the funnies page and freeing us from our authorial duties.
Writer: Yes, and if we’re lucky, we can put Garfield out of its misery at the same time.
Artist: We can only hope.
Opus
February 1st, 2007 at 1:38 am [Reply]

First panel of MT: The most blatant come-on ever (”What makes you think I want more beavers — I’m trying to get rid of them”), and Mark is oblivious. Even the female herself in the second panel is all, “sheesh, is that Trail guy dense or what?”
Tim W.
February 1st, 2007 at 1:55 am [Reply]

Ohmigod! Mary’s superhuman meddlosity has grown so powerful that’s it’s ripped a hole in the space-time continuum, plucking Dr. Cory from his bed of pain in the infinitesimal fraction of a second between panels and flinging him into a dimension beyond human understanding!

Or maybe he just slipped out to ogle the betel-nut girls.
Desdemona
February 1st, 2007 at 1:57 am [Reply]

I just laughed while reading Mark Trail, and I’m a little drunk. Coincidence? I think not!
GG
February 1st, 2007 at 2:00 am [Reply]

The great thing about this suavely mustachioed theater directing populist is not his dashing blue suit (identical to every other male’s in A3G!) or the way that he manages to convince even a closeted lesbian like Tommie that he’s attractive despite the fact that he’s clearly not. No, what’s great about him is that he can say a sentence like “Speak, woman.” so smoothly he requires no exclamation mark. Seriously, if there were ever a phrase in the comics that required an exclamation mark, it’s that. Seeing that without one is like seeing Margo mildly surprised without head-bobbling.
akuinakka
February 1st, 2007 at 2:20 am [Reply]

Dr. Jeff really loves that pillow in the first panel.
Draktyr
February 1st, 2007 at 2:43 am [Reply]

MW – Let the Meddlin’ begin!

and it looks like Dr. Jeff took a coffeebreak or something Mary’s meddling probably embarrased him or something, so he quietly slunk off to the Starbucks across the street for a nice mocha latte ( 1/2 caf, no foam)
Trilobite
February 1st, 2007 at 2:44 am [Reply]

8 – mfdshan:

I’m totally with you on this. C’mon, people, mean old dying-of-brain-cancer-lady Rachel is diddling the help! It’s wrongness piled on wrongness with an extra helping of old-person-sex!

And to think, Groves is hittin’ that just for a Bentley. I know it’s a sweet ride, but seriously, dude, she looks like Norman Bates…unless that car talks and fights crime, this can’t be a good deal.
Rhekarid
February 1st, 2007 at 2:55 am [Reply]

Oh dear! This oily jackass is even more “handsome” up close! Now I can’t keep the blood from rushing to my head as I’m overwhelmed by the scent of bootleg cologne and intern-spit coffee.

Weren’t Lucky and Co. separated for a while? I don’t think those are Lucky’s kids. The next plotline of Mark Trail will be a crossover with Slylock Fox discussing the intricacies of tiny adorable beaver divorce courts.

Also: obey your hippocratic oath, Dr. Tran! KILL MARY WORTH. Kill her for the good of mankind! I wish that craggy old ratbag was real just so I could crowbar her in the nose and frolic in the rain of mummy-dust that issues forth.
jordan
February 1st, 2007 at 3:14 am [Reply]

Off topic, but it seemed relavent to this website.

http://www.ozyandmillie.org/d/20050823.html

I’ve been reading this comic from the very begining and it’s so good. but I thought this strip shows that not all cartoonists are thrilled about unnessisary quotes.
t.a.m.s.y.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:58 am [Reply]

A3G: How much time is supposed to have passed between panels two and three? You guys think Mr. Mustache is all pushy, but give the guy a break. After being stared down by Tommie for 45 excruciating seconds, you’d be edgy too.

Plus, her neon-green blouse is probably giving him a headache.
Coffeeclash
February 1st, 2007 at 5:54 am [Reply]

A3G – “This is Tommie. She saw the play.” That sort of sums up the redeeming qualities of our nearly invisible heroine. Gina might as well have said, “This is Tommie. She has pocket lint.”

Still, Tommie might have made a better impression without those tire marks on her face.

Even Crankshaft is getting more action today.
Dr.E.Tran
February 1st, 2007 at 5:58 am [Reply]

Apt3G – I can imagine Mr. theater director played by a younger Richard Dreyfuss. In the first panel, he’s pretty short. And I could imagine his voice, very cynical, as if he REALLY gave a damn what the “people” thought of his plays. “Speak woman” is certainly delivered in the way of “sure, of COURSE I want to hear what YOU have to say – and what the hell is going on with your cheeks?!”

Tommy, should she ever be lucky enough to get a real artist back to render her good looks, will still always look as if she should be played by Lucille Ball, if not one of her nieces or distant cousins. That said, the strip is looking pretty shabby from its heydays, like a communist version of the 70s.
JonboyDC
February 1st, 2007 at 6:24 am [Reply]

(DT)GT: “Stormy, a few mornings with me turned Trey Davis into a scoring machine!” I… I’m really not sure there’s anything left to say. But now I regret not trying out for the basketball team when I was in high school.
Jamus The Bartender
February 1st, 2007 at 6:42 am [Reply]

MW. So….now via Mary Worth, the United States is now sending medical advisors into South Vietnam? Dammit, here we go again…
dreadedcandiru2
February 1st, 2007 at 6:45 am [Reply]

FOOB: The mutants are nitwittedly celebrating Mikerobe’s upcoming slavery, when Elizabeth pops in to see who’s disturbing her eternal rest. MoronDad tries (and fails) to cheer her up with a greeting card platitude. The last panel of today’s strip can mean only one thing; Lizardbreath is going to be the focus of the plot again. It appears Mike’s improbable ‘good’ fortune is the calm before the shitstorm!!
Dr. Y. Zowl
February 1st, 2007 at 7:02 am [Reply]

“The beaver on top of the *house*”? On top of the HOUSE?

I think whoever employs Mr. Trail needs to get a new nature expert.
FSogol
February 1st, 2007 at 7:04 am [Reply]

Uh oh! Thanks to Mary’s incessant meddling, Dr. Tran is going to have Jeff put to sleep.
jvwalt
February 1st, 2007 at 7:04 am [Reply]

A3G is such a joyful celebration of our traditional values… for instance, apparently Tommie thinks being body-checked into a wall by Mustache Man constitutes foreplay: “Finally! A man who will treat me rough!” (Uncle Lumpy: At least in that sense, MM has already rung her bells.)

And although she helped Gina get the “spinster” role with her wardrobe, Tommie kept the most spinsterish outfit of all for herself. That ensemble just screams “librarian with her hair in a bun.”
smacky
February 1st, 2007 at 7:05 am [Reply]

Family Circus: “I wouldn’t want to be home-schooled. I wouldn’t have any girls to talk to.”

Why is Dolly saying that to a miniature Gregg Allman?
Amy
February 1st, 2007 at 7:07 am [Reply]

I love the look on the pregnant beaver in the closeup. “Shit, you can tell already? My mom is going to kill me!”
smacky
February 1st, 2007 at 7:09 am [Reply]

FOOB final panel. And so it begins… Liz looks at her niece and decides she wants to be a mommy to Blandthony’s caged spawn. From baby complex to mommy complex in two days. Wow.
smacky
February 1st, 2007 at 7:13 am [Reply]

# 17 Trilobite: When you said “itâ€™s a sweet ride,” I assumed you meant Rachel. Because you know her body has the feel of broken-in, rich corinthian leather. Just like the Bentley!
Lynngineering
February 1st, 2007 at 7:18 am [Reply]

FOOB: Just more proof of my Michael-is-in-a-coma-and- this-is-his-dream.

What father speaks in such crap hallmark-platitudes? Not even a dentist who hears muzak all day.

Of course, Michael would exactly rub his sis’s face in his fantasy of good luck and great life and family. His o.t.p. behavior and timing suck for her, naturally, its micromanaged to the second it seems: “Ok, Liz is crumbling, she is reverting to childhood – PERFECT, now the knockout punches, my book is published, they want another one as well, I got an advance, and oh yeah, on top of all that, Liz come downstairs because of my celebration yelps, and LOOK AT MY HALLMARK-GREETING CARD KIDS! B**tch!

Next – Michael isn’t done. “Dad, I think it’s really time you and Mom MOVE ON, I am buying you out. Oh and Liz, sis you can stay, we may need a maid and BABYSITTER for our brood.”

Valentines day is a-coming…
MarkD
February 1st, 2007 at 7:20 am [Reply]

Hickory smoked beavers is so crazy!
Bill Peschel
February 1st, 2007 at 7:21 am [Reply]

Shoot, even from here in the U.S., I can see Dr. Jeff’s problem in the first panel.

He has no legs!
IdolsofMud
February 1st, 2007 at 7:22 am [Reply]

Wouldn’t it be funny if Elizabeth discovers she’s carrying Paul’s child? And when I say “funny,” I don’t mean “funny-ironic” but “funny-ROFLMAO FOOB.”

If Lynn Johnson doen’t age her characters, does that mean Grandpa Jim is doomed to aphasia, pain and paralysis for eternity? Eeesh. I can see FOOB 2017: “Iris, kill me. For God’s sake, kill me.”
Lynngineering
February 1st, 2007 at 7:23 am [Reply]

MW and APT 3G: How can it be that Mary Worth is more stylishly dressed than Tommie in Apt 3G? Just what the hell happened to A3G?? It used to at least have a belief that these girls were living in NYC and fashion plates, not dressed like some Shelly from CHEERS.
smacky
February 1st, 2007 at 7:27 am [Reply]

(DT)GT: One thing is for certain… no one ever goes solo to the Bucket.
Pozzo
February 1st, 2007 at 7:40 am [Reply]

“What makes you think I’m going to have more beavers?” Well, after all, nobody can eat just one.
bunx
February 1st, 2007 at 7:49 am [Reply]

Oh no, the two words no young beaver ever wants to hear: I’m pregnant.
Tux Pendelton
February 1st, 2007 at 8:04 am [Reply]

2/1 JP – That is definitely TMI. I can only assume the glassy-eyed look in the last panel is shock and denial while Abbey tries to remember where Groves keeps the eye-gouging sporks and brain brillo.

Of course the artist doesn’t have alot of choice since showing Abbey wretching her breakfast onto the expensive carpet while Raju-in-drag looks on would be just asking for the third-world coloring-gnomes to run amok.

MT – Mark deliberately used the word “house” instead of “lodge” because forest law says that since C&T saved the Morgan house, it now belongs to them. Have fun living under a mud pile, Morgan. (At least Theodore had HBO so he could watch “Deadwood.”)

FOOB – the Comic Which Will Not Be Named is dead to me now. Let’s hope this soon describes Michael and company as well.
Jeff
February 1st, 2007 at 8:05 am [Reply]

Today’s Foob (02/01/2007): Liz, you are an evil, evil, evil bitch!

And did I mention jealous?

Pathetic?

Ad nauseum…

Note to Lynn: How about giving Paul and Warren a spin-off strip about the wacky antics of two hot, sane guys who escaped the Lizard’s clutches and shit-canning the whole Foob restrospective?
Jeff
February 1st, 2007 at 8:06 am [Reply]

I forgot to mention shallow.

Just had to throw that in there…
True Fable
February 1st, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

MW Mary doesn’t know it, but Jeff’s just pretending to be asleep until she leaves, at which time he will continue to screw the cute little nurse under him, hidden in panel 1.

And why didn’t Dr. Tran tell her, “Lady, is there some reason you don’t believe we have any qualified doctors in all of the Pacific Rim countries, that you want me to waste long distance fees on some quack in the States on Your say-so? Who the hell do you think you are, Albert Fuckin’ Schweitzer? Get out of here before I donate one of your kidneys to the poor.”

MT Good point, Mr. Morgan. Frankly, I don’t foresee you getting any more beaver in your lifetime.

A3G Why is David Arquette demanding Laura Ingalls Wilder bark like a dog? Speak, woman! Speak!
…will somebody PLEASE give the artist a clothing catalogue from this century so he can see what young women in New York City might wear? Sheesh, even a noddy like Tommie can wear something other than a damn Gibson Girl outfit, or a stupid sweater set.
….I can’t believe I am the Fashion Police…
RMMD At last June ‘fesses up: she’s taken an interest in Niki. She likes that young stuff.
Marion Delgado
February 1st, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

Idols: I will repost my take on this frozen in hell issue. Clearly, I should have excepted Michael from the hellish. LYNN HAS ANNOUNCED THAT MICHAEL IS THE ONLY FOOB WHO GETS TO GROW, THINK AND MOVE IN THE FUTURE! I think we know which Michael this really was. We’ve been touched by a Canadian archangel!

I now think EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!

[puts away his Weekly World News]

The current story line proves Lynn Johnston agrees with us completely!

When she freezes Foobland into the little snow-globe, here is where weâ€™ll be:

FOOBS:

Elly will be forever menopausal.

Trainman will never get the house or car he wants.

Liz is a broken woman, giving up on life, perpetually on her way to marry Anthony and start dying.

April Hot-pants will never have a real boyfriend. Foobistank will never make a public splash bigger than a few laughs at Halloween.

~~Michaelâ€™s crappy novel will never be published.~~ [Although, if this were Funky Winkerbean]

Michael, Deanna, Liz will all be confined to standing-room-only hell Chez Patterson. Forever.

Farley is still in critically dead condition. Heâ€™ll haunt Farleyâ€™s Tree forever.

Grampa Jim will never recover, and never die.

Uncle Phil will be practicing with just the mouthpiece for all eternity. Heâ€™ll never get another gig, and Granpa Jim will never, ever recognize him
Etc.

On the other hand:

OTHERS:

Chipper and Suds will be together in love forever.

Anthony will feel Liz triumphant forever.

Warren will believe heâ€™s on the verge of tapping Liz forever.

Howard Erk will never be convicted.

Weed will have possession of Ned for all eternity.

Mtigwaki will have a real, dedicated teacher forever.

Eric will never sleep with the same girl twice, and never sleep alone. For all eternity.

Beckyâ€™s years as a Young Canadian Teen Idol will last forever.

Etc.

Conclusion;

LYNN HATES THE FOOBS EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS YOU DO! And sheâ€™s so good at it, we all missed it!
True Fable
February 1st, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

JP Good Lord, if given the choice, I’d say a Bentley is the only thing I’d want too, if I was Groves. Lord knows I wouldn’t want Hume Cronyn’s older sister.
Allie Cat
February 1st, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

FOOB – Liz – would it kill you to suck it up for ten minutes and be happy for your brother?

She seems to forget that she has full culpability for her unhappiness. Had she stayed in Mtigwhateva, she’d still be star teacher, beloved by all, loved by Paul, ad infinitum.

She chose to move home to be nearer her family and now she’s regretting it – she’s not mad at Paul as much as she’s mad at herself – not that she’d ever be introspective enough to admit it.

It’s time for her to run blindly into the haven of love that is Anthony’s basement.
willethompson
February 1st, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

The past two FOOB days call for a song. A BAD song:

Very Bad Writer

Judith Regan will you read my book?
It took me days to write and Iâ€™m such a schnook.
Itâ€™s based on some neighbors that lived under me
I didnâ€™t like them much so I want to be a very bad writer,
Very Bad Writer!

Iâ€™ve done some writing for a magazine
And my wife has turned into a brat machine!
My sisterâ€™s turned into a whiny bag,
A jealous bitch and I want to be a very bad writer.
Very Bad Writer!

Very Bad Writer! (Very Bad Writer!)

Itâ€™s an ugly story of an ugly man
Who smoked in bed, what donâ€™t you understand?
He had a name no one could pronounce
So I burned them out and I want to be a very bad writer.
Very Bad Writer!

I mocked them once in an article
Now I want to reduce them to particles!
So I lit a match and I wrote a draft
And you sent a cheque â€˜cause I want to be a very bad writer.
Very Bad Writer!

Very Bad Writer! (Very Bad Writer!)
Very Bad Writer! (Very Bad Writer!)

Ok, whereâ€™s MY cheque for $25,000? Thoâ€™ as gh has pointed out, I will work for Pez.
reader-who-posts
February 1st, 2007 at 8:27 am [Reply]

Even in the totally unrealistic world of Apartment 3G, men are attracted to assholes.
Plasma
February 1st, 2007 at 8:28 am [Reply]

[Margo] it, FOOB! Stop being so obvious! Liz is going to draw the obvious connection to the whole Paul/Warren/whatsherface threesome being her storm and then that :{ will be her silver lining or whatever crap and stop being so [Margo] predictable!

I can only hope that Lynn will, at the eleventh hour, pull a huge switcheroo and have led up to the whole :{ thing endlessly in an attempt to make us expect him and then BAM, Liz winds up with one of the guys in April’s band!
Artist formerly known as Ben
February 1st, 2007 at 8:40 am [Reply]

Dr Jeff is so not sick. Look at him in panel 1. It’s the posture and expression of “Maybe she’ll think I’m asleep and leave.”

If only, Jeff. If only.
andreavis
February 1st, 2007 at 8:49 am [Reply]

FOOB: Why is Dee giving Michael a titty twister? Not that I don’t approve… I’m just hoping she gives him a wet Willie and an atomic wedgie while she’s at it.
Dean Booth
February 1st, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

#35, Bill: yes, the rare strain of bacteria has eaten Dr. Jeff’s legs. And in panel 2, we can see that the bacteria have finished off the rest of him.
willethompson
February 1st, 2007 at 8:58 am [Reply]

How does a beaver ‘look pregnant?’ Is she ‘glowing?’ Barfing up tree bark in the morning? Demanding that Theodore bring her odd food combinations like beetles pickled in pine tar? Does she have “Nothin’ says lovin’ like something in the oven” shaved into her fur? I can only hope that Mark tries to pat Castoria’s little tummy and draws back a bloody stump.
jules
February 1st, 2007 at 9:00 am [Reply]

#48 willethompson – Huzzah!

TDIET: Wimmin! Haw haw! They’ll do it every time!

MW: Yeah, Dr. Tran is taking the heavy meddle pretty well. He’ll be glad to make that transpacific call! Hey Mary, can he borrow your cell phone?

FOOB: Good Lord, did I actually feel sorry for Liz this morning? What with her own family rubbing her face in the total suckage of her life as opposed to Mike’s sudden fabulous good luck…yeah, this might be pity I feel. Not much, though, because I know she’s going to run straight to Anthony as soon as her head stops spinning.

A3G: Oh dear Neptune. “Speak, woman”? I know Tommie has the low self-esteem and all, but would even she put up with being ordered to speak? And referred to as “woman”? Apparently she would; in fact, she seems to be turned on by it. Oh hell, she deserves him, then.

The comix seem to be riling me up lately…I deserve a break today!
zeeba
February 1st, 2007 at 9:00 am [Reply]

2/1

JP: I was eating my breakfast when I read this and I threw up in my mouth a little.

FOOB: Liz is a bigger baby than Meredith. It’s all about her, she can’t have any happiness for her brother. Just leave, already!!!

MT: So how many babies are in a typical beaver litter? Five, six? And they’ll grow up and cut down trees and build their little ponds and have more babies, and they’ll grow up and cut down trees and build their ponds and…..It’ll be a vicious cycle. Kill ‘em, now Morgan, while Mark’s not looking.

On a serious note:

Molly Ivins, longtime political writer passed away yesterday. She said at one time: “As a fledgling female reporter, I had two splendid models to choose from–Brenda Starr and Poteet Canyon,” she joked.

Molly may have been joking, but I can think of worse role models for girls than Brenda and Poteet.
jules
February 1st, 2007 at 9:04 am [Reply]

#23 JonBoyDC: AAAAUUGH! AAARRGH! My eyes…I… I read (DT)GT this morning, and I didn’t even catch that “scoring machine” remark! Who writes this stuff?! Plus it turns out that the “scoring machine” had some “actual talent.” Oh, this…I…oh help. I need a nap.
Loppie Scaduto
February 1st, 2007 at 9:05 am [Reply]

13 Desdemona says: “Coincidence? I think not!”

Please tell me that you sounded like the teacher in The Incredibles when you said that!
treedweller
February 1st, 2007 at 9:31 am [Reply]

(DT)GT:
“Stormy, a few mornings with me turned Trey Davis into a scoring machine.”

wokka wokka.
Drewbob
February 1st, 2007 at 9:31 am [Reply]

#12
Actually, I was hoping the Dr. Cory’s disappearance was due to MW becoming a serial version of The Manchurian Candidate.

Mary could be Angela Lansburry, Thomas Dewey (or whatever his real name is) her husband

Dr. Cory is of course Shaw, while the doctor plays his duplicitous housekeeper

Sadly, the assassin will succeed this time. Aldo would have been the only choice to play Marco and he was eliminated by the Reds.
The Great Ka-Floopa Gush
February 1st, 2007 at 9:32 am [Reply]

No, no, no. It’s not rubbing Liz’s face in her misery, it’s FORESHADOWING! Granthony is the sun that is going to come out after the storm of losing Paul and being betrayed by Warren.
Kdog
February 1st, 2007 at 9:37 am [Reply]

JP – I almost missed the ‘and my lover’ line and had to re=read it. Then I slit my wrists and plunged them into boiling water.

MW – Jeff is in a persistant vegitative state. I can see it from here. Even now he’s saying, ‘Pull the plug! Please God, have them pull the plug!’
Frank Drackman
February 1st, 2007 at 9:41 am [Reply]

Well at least Mary asked for a 2d opinion from another doctor, I was expecting her to call Ian.
michael
February 1st, 2007 at 9:45 am [Reply]

From Dr. Jeff’s position and anxious facial expression and the latex glove Mary is pulling from her purse (she always has one for just such an occasion) it appears that Mary is going to give Jeff a rectal exam proving once again that there is meddling and then there is meddling.
Dr.E.Tran
February 1st, 2007 at 9:54 am [Reply]

Mary Worth – simple ending to the whole story, if it were in any REAL setting:

Mary: “I have someone I would like you to phone, a doctor – ”
Dr. Tran: “hold it right there old lady, I don’t know what coverage this guy has, but his HMO doesn’t even work here, and for sure it doesn’t cover meddlesome-old-bitch who wants to tell actual doctors what to do. For that, you need insurance of the kind Lynn sells over at FOOB. Hell, how did the nurses even let you in? Are you next of kin? Guards! “
Christopher
February 1st, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

You know what I really, really, REALLY want to see?

A House/Mary Worth crossover.

Anyway:

Prickly City:

One thing I like about this strip is the fact that the guy who does it will, every once and a while, absolutely SLAM his own guys.

Why is Mallard Filmore still around when Prickly City makes it completely superfluous?

Spider-Man:

Clearly, Spidey does not watch Mythbusters. Which is weird, because you’d think that as a science nerd who spends most of his free ime lounging around the house, he’d be an

The Lockhorns:

So… judging by the husband’s drooping eyes, it’s late at night… and the programs being shown are going to be replayed on the internet starting tomorrow…

HOLY SHIT! THE LOCKHORNS WATCH ADULT SWIM!

This PROFOUNDLY upsets my entire world view.

Sally Forth:

Okay, while I do feel that a few other comics are better from a technical standpoint, no modern newspaper strip makes me laugh out loud as often as Sally Forth.

Hee hee, “the Kaiser’s head”.

Seriously, I mean, Lio is awesome and all, but I hardly ever LOL at it.

I have trouble explaining this to my friends, because it’s a strip that spent so long being part of the gargantuan blob of generic, unfunny comics that clog every paper.

It’s like telling people that BC makes me laugh out loud.

But I know that you guys will understand.
Christopher
February 1st, 2007 at 10:08 am [Reply]

Oh, and can I just say that, in all seriousness, I TOTALLY support the idea of a Paul/Warren spin-off?

A philandering Mounty and his flakey helicopter pilot friend trying to get by in a First Nations town in the far north would be an EXCELLENT concept for a new soap opera strip.

Also, the way Batiuk draws cancer victims they look like giant babies.
Dennis Jimenez
February 1st, 2007 at 10:13 am [Reply]

DM – There’s something oddly disturbing about the pose of Dennis and Mr. Wilson, today – can’t quite put my tongue on it.
Dennis Jimenez
February 1st, 2007 at 10:15 am [Reply]

A3G – Now roll over and play dead.
Dennis Jimenez
February 1st, 2007 at 10:22 am [Reply]

RMMD – Here’s to you Mrs. Rex Morgan, Jebus loves you more than you can know.
Gal Friday
February 1st, 2007 at 10:23 am [Reply]

Thomas Dewey/Gary Dent has moved from Charterstone to NYC. (What he really wanted to do was direct!)
Dennis Jimenez
February 1st, 2007 at 10:28 am [Reply]

FC – I wouldn’t want to be home schooled – I got enough problems with Bill Keane without worrying about the Anti-Christ, too.
sally
February 1st, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

#48 — damn, williethompson, my kids ask for that song in the car all the time and now it will never sound the same to me…
rich
February 1st, 2007 at 10:47 am [Reply]

FBOW: Hey, I applaud Liz for not jumping on the Mike’s-a-great-author bandwagon. Go ahead and rain on his parade, the little twit!

Anyway, Lizard, cheer up — the clock is ticking and Valentine’s Day is just 13 days away — is there any doubt that she’ll be licking the crumbs off Granthony’s sticky buns by the 14th?
Pure Lunasea
February 1st, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

FOOB: I humbly offer a new direction for the strip. Once a year has passed since the inevitable sappy, Hallmark card ending of FOOB, the strip makes a surprise comeback! Things have been fast forwarded to the year 2026, with hilarious consequences!

Grandpa FOOB: He expired some years back from a freak accident (*coughwheelchairViagrasexcough*) and lies in state at the local city hall, ala Lenin.

Iris: No longer a necessary plot filler, has been exiled to the isle of misfit FOOB characters.

John: After retiring from his practice, enjoyed his trains, a new post-midlife crisis sports car every two years, and divided his time between the trains and coffee and sticky buns at Gordon’s Midtowne Motors. All was well until the day he mistakenly nailed some model train track on Ellie’s sternum and plugged an extension cord into an orifice we won’t mention here on a family website. He now resides in a local senior home, drooling and muttering phrases like “You kids are right into the pop culture”. Very sad.

Ellie: Having grown weary of the daily visits to John, buys a small tavern with the settlement money from an unfortunate central vacuum system accident years before. She’s kept busy running the place and contending with the antics of her wacky patrons and hired help. Shades of Cheers, with Canadian accents.

Mike & Dee: Mike has turned to writing horror novels and become a third rate Stephen King of the Northland. Rarely home, what with the endless string of bookstore appearances and Tim Horton’s ribbon cuttings, he maintains a semblance of marriage with Dee.
Dee: With the children off to University, accepts a part time job at Ellie’s establishment. Mysterious discrepancies in the liquor inventory soon appear.

April: Having gone roadside in high school, experienced “natures greatest miracle” the hard way during senior year. She’s now the proud parent of three offspring, all by different fathers. Oops! Oh well, at least she gets a support cheque every month, so she’s got that going for her.

Lizardbreath: Ahh yes, ’tis an epic tale of woe. After birthing Moustache’s child 18 years ago and discovering their daughter had a club foot, the union made in FOOB heaven quickly deteriorated. Granthony escaped one night, joined the Merchant Marines, and hasn’t been heard from since. Liz now lives in a small second floor apartment with just the children and a single photo of Moustache. She spends her days trying to find a man for her malformed daughter, and reminiscing about her youthful days of box socials and gentleman callers.
Lynngineering
February 1st, 2007 at 10:52 am [Reply]

#67 – Paul / Warren spin-off would be good.
Helicopter can go anywhere, so basically that helps for keeping the locale fresh, and Paul will be surely chasing criminals, so that’s all good.

Young Jesse studies to become a teacher eventually, so that gives a new angle, and when Liz returns (after marrying Anthony of course) for a guest star role, she brings April with her – and the new Jesse-April possibilities just keep it all going strong. Hell, no need to ever go back to Patterson hell again.

Got a title for it?
techinin
February 1st, 2007 at 10:58 am [Reply]

#18 – made me snort loudly in my cube!

“I wish that craggy old ratbag was real just so I could crowbar her in the nose and frolic in the rain of mummy-dust that issues forth.”

COTW!! COTW!!!
Drewbob
February 1st, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

FW- Everyone knows your heart can’t be a bomb. It lacks batteries and wires.
Passerby
February 1st, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

I’d just like to say that yelling “Speak, woman,” does not make women blush in reality, nor does it make them think you’re handsome.

I should be able to eat solid food again in about two weeks.
PeteMoss
February 1st, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

“After your brother and his family lost their home, he’s now got a $25,000 book advance. Isn’t it a sunny day?”

“Sure…but…who’s guiding meeeeee?”

“But Liz, isn’t it wonderful? Lisa Moore’s cancer is in remission.”

“But the suns in my eyes…Me, me, me!”

“And Liz, glory days, after the terrible fire in Lost Forrest, we discovered Theodore and Castoria are expecting little beavers!! Isn’t that great?”

“But what about meeeeee?!”

“Your beaver’s not getting any smaller. Why don’t you call that nice boy with the pornstache, now.”
TaxiGirl
February 1st, 2007 at 11:53 am [Reply]

#66 — I completely understand. Lately SF has passed GF and PBS as the Funniest Strip In The Comics Page. To the point that my husband has repeatedly been informed that if he ever divorces me, I’m going to marry Ted Forth.
mfdshan
February 1st, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

Drive it home, Groves.
Squawk
February 1st, 2007 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

Mary Worth would be a lot funnier if there were a third panel showing Dr. Tran throwing the piece of paper into a wastebasket just outside the hospital room.
Lyman Returns
February 1st, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

A3G-Tommie shouldn’t be blushing because of this guy, she should be blushing for wearing a robins-egg-blue coat with a lime green shirt. Egad, my eyes!

Beetle Bailey-Haw haw haw, that Zero sure is stupid!

FBOFW-Would it have killed Lynn Johnson to have Michael NOT get his book published? No, because in her world, NO ONE is unsuccessful! I really hope she doesn’t use Michael’s success at getting his book published as justification for his running back into a burning building to get it. That sort of thing surely is outlawed by the Geneva Convention or something.

FBOFW-By the way, I love how Mama Patterson can’t wait so much as five seconds before snatching that contract from her son and explaining it to him. She’s missed having her baby boy around, hasn’t she?

FBOFW-I, too, can symphasize with Liz…you feel your life spiraling downwards, and all the while your parents spew platitudes like there’s no tomorrow. For goodness sake, John Patterson, go to the kitchen and drink a nice cup of shut the @#$% up.

MT-In the second panel, that animal is the size of Godzilla! Foolish humans, your tiny fence shall stand no chance in containing the fury of that gargantuan dam-building bark-chewing freak of nature! It shall stride forth and level entire cities with one swipe of its tail! It will single-handedly dam the Atlantic Ocean! FLEE WHILE YOU CAN!

A3G-Glad to see Luke Skywalker’s wingman Biggs is getting some work. Any minute now he’s going to start yelling, “EJECT, PORKINS! EJECT!”

Crankshaft-Oh so disturbing today.

FW-We know how you feel, lady…we’re so used to non-stop dreary wretchedness and misery in your strip that we can’t believe something good happened, either. One of the greatest examples of comic strip character/reader identification, ever.
Vorenus is Angry
February 1st, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

Did anyone catch Jim Norton making fun of Marmaduke on O&A this morning? He was laughing overboard hysterically and loudly about today’s installment that when they asked him what he was laughing about he could barely describe it.

It was pretty much a goof on the relevance of daily comics, of course, and then they all went on to make fun of today’s Lockhorns a bit too.
Poteet
February 1st, 2007 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

# 48 & 54 — BWAHAHA! Nice work, wille. Wishful thinking re the book, of course. Because the book is about Sheilagh and the Big Bloody Placenta, and I have a feeling we’ll know that all too well by September.

And the reason we know Castoria is preggers? She’s singing, in a high sweet beaver voice, that classic song “I am the bee-yoootiful reflection of my love’s affection…”
Poteet
February 1st, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

# 56 — Thanks, Zeeba. Molly went far, far beyond Brenda and me. I can’t speak for Brenda, but I’ll miss Molly a lot.

# 61 — Ka-Floopa, you are right, of course. And I just remembered that we’ll also probably have to endure friends and relatives from far and near congratulating Michael on his wonderful book. And with the old/new strip format, that sort of thing could go on and on and on. I may be begging Chennux to incinerate me by December.
Frank Drackman
February 1st, 2007 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

I want to see Crankshafts reaction when he gets the question “Have you had sex with a man( EVEN ONLY ONCE!!) since January 1st 1982??”
Frank Drackman
February 1st, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

Funky Winkerbean is really creepy with that “Governors reprieve” theme..Uh OK so the Governor said “Not Yet” so what..shes back to death row to wait??
dave
February 1st, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

Liz’s eyes, bloodshot with tears, make the animated blinking in the online FOOB strip today even creepier than normal.
gh
February 1st, 2007 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

Well, it took longer than usual to get caught up. Plus thereâ€™s like 70 on the next thread. Naturally, all the good comments are taken, so Iâ€™ll simply re-phrase:

FBoFW â€“ See, sometimes Lizâ€™s family forget itâ€™s all about her, so she has to remind them. No one â€œrubbed her faceâ€ in anything. Though I would recommend a cheese grater.

MW â€“ Iâ€™m just speechless. Towering temerity and condescension passing for concern. Plus, itâ€™s just stupid.

williethompson â€“ I was going to suggest that since â€œComics Gatherâ€ and â€œMark Trailâ€™s Silver Beaversâ€ have already been done, we finish off Abbey Road first, but Pez is Pez.
smacky
February 1st, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

#88: Plus: “Have you ever accepted money or drugs for sex?”

Never understood that question. If I have protected sex, who cares if I was psid for it? Maybe my date said “Let’s skip dinner, I’ll give you the cost of the meal, and we’ll just do it.”

Why would that disqualify me from giving blood?
Donald The Anarchist
February 1st, 2007 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

FOOB Liz’s jealousy IS a bit odd. She’s never expressed anything but the most modest ambitions about her life, and, careerwise, she’s generally succeeded at whatever she’s attempted. Considering that being near her family was more important to her than maintaining a relationship with Paul, it can be argued that anything she’s willfully pursued she’s gotten. Smarmy as her dad’s platitude was, I’m sure it was meant kindly, sort of a, “Buck up, kiddo, see how things can turn around if you just don’t give up hope” kinda thing.

Of course, deep inside, a part of her is probably thinking, “I didn’t move all the way back here so that HE could get all the attention.” But is there any chance she’ll admit it?
Derelict
February 1st, 2007 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

C’mon, you guys (and gals): We all know why Liz is having that reaction. She knows that her brother is a limp, talentless hack–and yet, he’s managed to con some publisher into printing that sorry pile of crap.

Michael’s good fortune, combined with her little episode last week with her bunny doll, has opened her eyes and now she clearly see the yawning void that is her life, the vast emptiness that is devouring her soul. She knows, now, that her entire life thus far has been a sham–and that her future holds nothing but doom in the looming form of Granthony.

She’s rushing upstairs to have a good, long cry while she waits for the 20,000mg of phenobaritol she boosted from Dad’s prescription closet to to end her suffering.
Squawk
February 1st, 2007 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

#92, If you’ve accepted money or drugs for sex, “protected” or not, that means you’re in a high risk category (higher risk than normal) for having contracted something icky.

And I don’t mean icky as in Gil Thorp…….well, actually, I do mean that kind of icky.
srah
February 1st, 2007 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

Dr Tran is a zombie.
Dr. MAD
February 1st, 2007 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

“If your house catches afire,
An’ there ain’t no beavers ’round,
Throw the FOOBS out the window,
An’ let the goddamn shack burn down.”
TaxiGirl
February 1st, 2007 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

Tommie blushes like a chimney sweep.
Gal Friday
February 1st, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

I’m having a delayed reaction to today’s JP: ” . . . and lover for 28 years”–I’m so icked out.
JonboyDC
February 1st, 2007 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

Funky Winkerbean is really creepy with that â€œGovernors reprieveâ€ theme..Uh OK so the Governor said â€œNot Yetâ€ so what..shes back to death row to wait??

I don’t think your in the proper Funky Winkerbean frame of mine. We’re all on death row to wait. It’s just a matter of how soon grim, grim death takes us.
Jeff
February 1st, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

#76. – How about “Mounting Mitigwaki?”
zeeba
February 1st, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

I can’t get the mathematical combinations out of my head–if Castoria and Theodore’s progeny continue to propagate unchecked for infinity. How soon would it be until they’ve decimated Lost Forest?? And then where will those hungry little teeth go? National Forests beware (except maybe the Redwoods, but even so, those dudes have some strong teeth). Then, with our oxygen supply depleted, we search for a remedy before we perish. With that in mind, we find a solution from none other than today’s Bizarro:

http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070201&name=Bizarro
PeteMoss
February 1st, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

Thinking about Jughaid from Snuffy Smith and Lucky from Mark Trail…What would a beaver-skin cap look like? Would it still have the big, flat tail on it, smacking the wearer on the back when runs?
reader-who-posts
February 1st, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

Dinette Set: Yeah, cruelty to animals is hilarious.

Garfield: And the award for the laziest strip of the day goes to Jim Davis’ minions for the 805th day in a row!

FBOFW: “And I just can’t stop thinking about my vagina.”

Curtis: How does biting into a cat food sandwich make anyone complain about their stomach hurting? Are we supposed to think that they chewed and swallowed it, and then developed a stomach ache, and then after all of that they tried to eat more of the sandwich and hurt their ‘teefh’? That’s more unbelievable than a giant golden telepathic otter!
reader-who-posts
February 1st, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

Ok I just now notice the hurried post I wrote early this morning (#49) was completely wrong. It should have said:

Even in the totally unrealistic world of Apartment 3G, WOMEN are attracted to assholes.

Now that I found how to have it make sense, if only I could find a way to make it funny. ^sigh^
fizzy logic
February 1st, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

Doesn’t Mark Trail know how dangerous it is to assume a woman is pregnant? Castoria could just be going through a high-carb phase. Oh god – I sound like Cathy!
fizzy logic
February 1st, 2007 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

Some women may be attracted to assholes, but only Courtney Cox finds David Arquette with a mustache attractive. Tommie really should get out more.

Only delusional cartoonists think that any woman would find most men with a mustache attractive, really.
Foobaphobe
February 1st, 2007 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

FOOB:
Lizzie’s going to cry? Come on, crybaby, cry for me. Cry! Ha ha, hahahahahahahhaahahaha!
-Scut Farkus, Primordial Foobaphobe
Bill Peschel
February 1st, 2007 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

#74 – Thanks rich. Now I can heave.

Oh, and there’s a mention of CC in Ron Hogan’s column in mediabistro, over the FBOFW, and Josh even gets credit for seeing it coming!: “Not that the Comics Curmudgeon didn’t see yesterday’s revelation coming. As he lay the odds at his blog back in December, “Mike’s slightly charred manuscript is snapped up by Canada’s biggest publisher and becomes an instant best-seller and critical darling: 2 to 1.”"
SmartPeopleOnIce
February 1st, 2007 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

#99 (GalFriday) Iâ€™m having a delayed reaction to todayâ€™s JP: â€ . . . and lover for 28 yearsâ€â€“Iâ€™m so icked out.

I find it helps if you force youself to interpret “the Bentley” (as in: …and the only thing he wants is the Bentley) to mean “snuggling” or “pinochle and scones”. Otherwise…look out eyes, here come the sporks.

Then again, you never know. “The Bentley” could be something like a Cleveland Steamer or a Donkey Punch.

It’s like the French have a different word for everything…
Bill Peschel
February 1st, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

Krepforth! Forgot the link:

http://www.mediabistro.com/galleycat/litterbox/this_is_not_the_way_the_world_works_52226.asp?c=rss
hogenmogen
February 1st, 2007 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail: Tuesday, the woods were ablaze. Today, green pastures. Yeah.
Kdog
February 1st, 2007 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

92 – I always smile inwardly when they ask that question. I mean, I have been married for 20 years. I pay for it daily. Or weekly…

They’ve let me donate nearly four gallons though…
Poway
February 1st, 2007 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

Is that a special Viet Nam style bed (i.e. too short for Americans) or did Dr Cory have an above-the-knee amputation? He fills the sheets like Lt. Dan from Forest Gump.
JudeMorrigan
February 1st, 2007 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

#79 – Yeah, but do you have a moustache? Maybe that’s your problem.
Bucky Ripsnort
February 1st, 2007 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

Yay! Over 100 comments, and no one noticed that Dick “Anti-Beaver” is blushing as hard as Tommie in front of Sonny Bono. Either he’s getting really hot about wet, pregnant beavers, or he’s thinking what hell it’ll be explaining beaver-sex to his little girl.
Joemanji
February 1st, 2007 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

“SPEAK WOMAN” is obvious foreshadowing to a scene we will see further down the road: Tommie cowering in a corner and Mustache-Blue bragging to another mustached actor:
“I treat my women like I treat my cars… like dirt until they break down and I can use ‘em as a toilet.”
ColoZ
February 1st, 2007 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

#54 willethompson: I can only hope that Mark tries to pat Castoriaâ€™s little tummy and draws back a bloody stump.

Would that make it a beaver dentata?
Joemanji
February 1st, 2007 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

One more thing… for some reason panel one of MT keeps reminding me of this:
http://www.crapville.com/photo_holder.asp?ID=726
dimestore lipstick
February 1st, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

I can only hope that Dr. Tran “Doles Out the Harshness”, and kills Mary Worth with a broken lawn chair.
reader-who-posts
February 1st, 2007 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

MF: Really, the most amazing thing about Mallard Fillmore is that this drunken hack of a cartoonist actually thinks anyone cares who he is wants to run for president.

Pluggers: Pluggers have no friends.

Crock: The world’s first comic strip to contain a joke about bat shit.

TDIET: What? The little woman doesn’t have dinner on the table when her man gets home? Ungrateful bitch!
Jamus The Bartender
February 1st, 2007 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

120. Dr. Tran had that weird light about him…you just knew he wasn’t gonna get a scratch over here.
Jamus The Bartender
February 1st, 2007 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

FOOB: Oh, not only did I remember the Kids In The Hall sketch when I saw that last panel, but Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know” came wafting through the air around the same time…
Artist Formerly Known as Ben
February 1st, 2007 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

#74, I’m never eating sticky buns again.
Prehumous
February 1st, 2007 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

Those ARE Pluggers’ friends. He’s some kind of bear or animal or something stupid like that.
Drakkelian
February 1st, 2007 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

Well, given the fact that Mary’s only knowledge of Vietnam probably comes from specials on the Travel Channel; I can assume she probably had this nightmarish flash of images of doctors bloodletting and leeching and acupuncturing her boy-toy, and her upper-middle-class white American mind couldn’t handle it.
Automaton
February 1st, 2007 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

#117 – Ahahaha… Well, if that ends up happening, Apartment 3G will certainly become the beau of the comic page ball for me.
suziederkins
February 2nd, 2007 at 1:31 am [Reply]

Only Mark Trail could spot a beaver’s baby bump from what looks to be at least 50 yards away.
Air Forbes
February 3rd, 2007 at 12:16 am [Reply]

Nope, Mark, she’s just fat. And now she’s pissed. Never mention that a woman looks pregnant.
nemoErensenuT
February 9th, 2008 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:

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