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Pluggers are frankly still getting the hang of this whole “indoor plumbing” thing

Pluggers, 3/6/07

So I’ve been staring at this Pluggers for a while, trying to figure out how this little bathroom still life, in keeping with the mission statement for this feature, “celebrates” the plugger lifestyle. Here are the possibilities I’ve come up with:

  • Pluggers
    • won’t put their toilet paper rolls on the little tube thingy because
      • they’re lazy.
      • simple gadgets like this are the devil’s work.
    • can’t put their toilet paper rolls on the little tube thingy because
      • it’s broken, but they’re too thrifty to spend money frivolously and buy a new one.
      • they’re ignorant and can’t figure it how to do it.
      • they’re freakish, unnatural human-animal hybrids, and their thick, nondextrous fingers prevent them from doing so.
  • Pluggers may defecate in enormous quantity without warning at any given moment, and thus multiple rolls of toilet paper must be kept constantly at the ready.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 3/6/07

You know, if my surgeon were named “Dr. Allthumbs,” I might appreciate it if he brought in some specialists to assist.

I’m kind of weirded out by the layout of this hospital room; it looks like the fellow on the right, recovering from brain surgery, has turned his bed 90 degrees so as to improve his view of the flop-sweating. He needs the entertainment, as it seems his only reading material as an airline safety information card.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/07

NO, DAMMIT! IN ORDER TO CONVINCE US THAT A JOKE IS CUTE, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A CUTE JOKE! YOU CAN’T JUST HAVE THE CHARACTER THAT DIDN’T DELIVER THE JOKE SAY “CUTE”!

DAMMIT!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 6, 2007 at 05:41 pm and is filed under Funky Winkerbean, Pluggers, They'll Do It Every Time.

312 responses to “Pluggers are frankly still getting the hang of this whole “indoor plumbing” thing”

  1. Plinko Commie
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, be careful not to step on Holly’s toes. She has leprocy.

  2. Plinko Commie
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    also this probably has something to do with a trampling fetish, though usually it’s the girl doing the trampling. god, funky can’t get ANYTHING right. no wonder they all have lupus.

  3. Uncle Lumpy
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: Doesn’t the joke-teller’s smirk convince us that the joke is cute? ‘Cuz if not nothing in Funky Winkerbean is even trying to be funny.

    Oh, right.

  4. Plinko Commie
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    ALSO, true pluggers a) still use corncobs or b) nothing

  5. Cafangdra
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    Plinko Commie, Pluggers can use corncobs or old Sears-Roebucks catalogs.

  6. D.A.Pennington
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    You might be a Plugger if you have corn cob tracks on your ass.

  7. gh
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    Say what you will about Pluggers, the man can sure draw a toilet.

  8. Buck Ripsnort
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    You want scary, hah? That’s practically a shot of my bathroom except
    A) the floor isn’t obscured by old magazines, and
    B) the roller isn’t hidden by a towel –which is why I don’t bother hanging the roller.
    Does this make me a plugger or just a schmuck?

  9. Steve S
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    I thought everyone knew that Pluggers wipe their asses with rabbits.

  10. Brendan
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Um…Josh…at least where I come from, “cute” is a quick way to dismiss an attempted bon mot as uninsightful and insipid.

    So, I’d say Batiuk’s right on the money.

  11. Kevin
    March 6th, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know about the comment re: Funky…

    Granted, I may be putting too much good faith in the author, but it almost seems that “cute” is an ironic statement, made sarcastically by one character at the comment by the other… So maybe the “cute” is really self-deprecation on the part of the author…

    That’s how I read it, at least. Oh dear god I hope that’s what it means…

  12. gh
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    #s 4-6

    I believe it was Rabelais who said the perfect object to wipe one’s ass with was the neck of a swan.

  13. bitey
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    I was irrationally angry at Brad for being so easily lead astray by TJ. And worried about the consequences of painting the living room black . . . and the hole made by TJ with a baseball bat (sidebar: that’s some serious rage imbedded behind those dead eyes and vacuous smile) that I’m worried Brad’s going to get evicted by his parents and forever damage his relationship with them. Then I remembered this is a very bad comic strip and these aren’t real people. Also I realized I don’t actually have to read Luann ever again and all of their problems will go away. And then I go back. Again. And again. [sigh] Boxcar.

  14. Francis
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    After the pizzaectomy, they might as well remove his bread basket, writer’s cramp, spare ribs, and the butterflies in his stomach. And then maybe perform a non-made-up operation.

  15. DCBirdblaster
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    You know, I thought FW was just too depressing to be related to any real world happenings. I mean so many bad things happen to the characters it’s absurd, and thus absurdity is the basis for comedy.

    However, one of our own here in Curmudgeonland is having her own personal Winkerbean moment in life. Reading her blog is seriously like reading a story arc from FW.

    Except it’s real…Absurdity is lost as well as any comedy and has crossed into real life tragedy.

  16. pesch
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    And I thought all this time that pluggers **** in the woods

  17. dramashoes
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    That might be the wordiest Pluggers caption in the history of the strip. Hell, it’s practically a Plugger thesis. And really- “pizzaectomy?” This is beyond Scadutoism. TDIET has entered absurdist territory. I submit that this is all evidence of a growing trend. Our little corner of the web has become so popular and influential that the comics are now making fun of themselves so we don’t have to. By the way, italics are the new finger quoting. At least to me they are.

  18. Tats
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Parting words you MUST listen to?

    She’s a lesbian. She’s a lesbian! IT’S ALDO IN A WIG!

    Also, the longer you stare at Mary’s bemused visage in the last frame, you realize her head is too big for her body or her face is too big for her head or SOME kind of horrific proportional issue that makes her apparent confusion absolutely bonechilling.

  19. jvwalt
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    Okay, Mr. Scaduto, full-time paid cartoonist… the flock of sweat beads emanating from the temple of our unnamed patient (I’d guess Barfo, Arfo, or possibly Zarfo) is a time-honored comic-strip convention. Anyone who’s read a comic strip anytime since the heyday of Jiggs and Maggie, has seen flying sweat and understands what it means. You really don’t need to label it.

    And if you feel the need to label it, “FLOP SWEAT” is the wrong term! “Flop sweat” is related to performance anxiety. If anyone in this picture would be producing flop-sweat by the quart, it would be the surgeon — not the patient!

  20. dramashoes
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    I just re-read and realized that DCbirdblaster mentioned absurdism before I did, and in a serious way. I feel I should make some sort of amends, or something.

  21. Manxome Foe
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    Very stinky butt
    Must use two rolls for one wipe
    Stubborn Plugger furr

  22. Jordan
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    I’ve been reading TDIET for a while now and I have to say, I don’t understand HOW to read it. This one wasn’t so bad but how do you all read the halting phrases, the random, OH-Y-YEAH’s?

  23. Tats
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    #22: I just imagine it being read in a Church Lady voice, myself.

  24. Trotzenbonnie
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    Dingo – #187 from previous thread
    I’m not from Chicago but I can hum a few bars of ‘Cell Block Tango’ for you.
    Why? Do they like LaTeX in the city of the big shoulders?

    FW – Are they replacing sewer pipes? In the rain?

    Pluggers – That can’t be a Plugger bathroom. The lid on the seat is down.

  25. Gal Friday
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    #24 Of course it’s in the rain, Trotzenbonnie, this is FW! And since this is FW, they’ll probably dig a trench that will collapse and bury somebody alive.

  26. SmartPeopleOnIce
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    If we really wanted to celebrate the Plugger lifestyle, the artwork that went with this caption would be Mr. Rhinobear guy being led away in handcuffs and Mrs. Rhinobear being attended to by weepy neighbors.

    Ahh, Pluggers. They’re like the Washington Generals of COPS.

  27. Gal Friday
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    #21 great Plugger haiku!

  28. The Porridge Bird
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Must… resist! Stupid… and… Obvious… Joke! Forces… too… strong… AguynamedJohnsubmittedatoiletjoke! [Faints in a pool of his own saliva. Why does he have that in his backyard?]

  29. King Folderol
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – I somehow imagine that a Plugger’s toilet would have a lot more dirt and grime surrounding the seat lid, and that the tank lid would be permanently off, since Pluggers have to yank that little chain to make the toilet flush, since they’re too poor to call a plumber. Jeez, this web site has me thinking about Pluggers way too much.

    #17 – That pretty much sums it up about TDIET. Scaduto’s gone from mailing it in to staring wistfully at the mailbox outside his window and thus believing that he’s actually sent a letter.

    FW – Jokes? In Funky Winkerbean? Next you’ll be expecting no meddling in Mary Worth, a hunky Brad in Luann, and a nice Margo in A3G! Jokes? Hah.

  30. teh l4m3
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    Thank goodness they labeled the flopsweat. Otherwise I might have thought IT WAS ENERGY AND IT WAS ALL AROUND HIM.

  31. Sigivald
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    I read that “Cute.” as sarcasm.

    So, uh, yeah, obviously it’s not meant to actually be a successfully cute joke.

  32. Bunnë
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    #12 I don’t recommend it. Trust me, those swans can be ornery.

  33. kingkong
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    TDIET has broken the fourth wall, and the “Dead Zone” patient realizes that all of his reality is controlled by random suggestions.

  34. pesch
    March 6th, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    Irritating fact of the week: A few days ago, I saw a Moose Miller cartoon (MM is run in my newspaper’s classified section), and while wacky antics were going on all around, the little kid was tucked in the corner, reading a book.

    A book titled “Slylock Fox Tales.”

    A nightlight went off over my head. While I replaced the bulb, I thought, “Could it be?”

    A week later, I checked and confirmed: King Features’ website is extremely lame, refusing to run comics until they’re a month old, their humor as curdled as Ann Coulter’s soul.

    And Moose Miller’s artist is “Bob Weber Sr.” and Slylock Fox’s artist is “Bob Weber Jr.”

  35. jules
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    #29 King Folderol, you make it sound like Scaduto’s living in a “Secret Window, Secret Garden” kind of scenario. I’d like to see that, actually – it could only make the cartoon more interesting!

    A3G: How exactly does one work on a teenage girls’ party for MONTHS? Don’t these things sort of come together on their own at the last minute? Or was that just how my teenage-girl friends and I handled things? I’m livin’ in the past, man. Still, Margo’s wail of “I’ve worked on this party for MONTHS!” struck me as…well, let’s be honest…totally stupid.

  36. winky
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    i’m just happy that pluggers comic isn’t scratch-n-sniff.

  37. Bunnë
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    So I did a little search on Moose Miller, to see if I could find a newspaper who publishes that King Features comic online (the way The Seattle PI does at http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/ for Zits and others)… and I didn’t find anything. But I did find that there are a lot of people out there actually called “Moose Miller”… as in “Gordon ‘Moose’ Miller” and the like. So I thought I’d pass that on.

    I’d completely forgotten about Moose Miller. I think it was one of those comics I’d read while we were on vacation in some strange city or other. What comics are these people reading in this town? Mickey Mouse? Moose Miller? That’s margoed up. How do they live that way?

  38. Lammergeier13
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    #19 jvwalt: Silly jvwalt, the lesser-known Lardbutt brother “Zarfo” was only seen in the early days of TDIET. He soon grew tired of being the straight man, however, and left. Now he’s often replaced with actors like Allan Jones and Kenny Baker. Nowadays, most people only recall the other Lardbutt brothers, Groufo, Chifo, and Harfo.

  39. Freezer
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me, or does FW seem to be determined to make people forget the good things that happen in characters’ lives, save for the ones that involve a connected character being caused pain?

    I mean… How many of us just forgot Funky had re-married? What’s the name of Crazy’s kid?

    But YAY! Lisa is recovering… from her second bout of cancer!

    YAY! Becky delivered a healthy boy… and sent pictures to her unfairly redeployed to Iraq husband!

    And she’s been made Band Director! Because Dinkle’s gone deaf.

    Maybe Batiuk just hates humanity?

  40. Lammergeier13
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    Archie: AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! Please, NOOOOOOOOO!!! Archie…Second panel…Crotch bulge…Hand in pocket….Talking about dad fat. Somebody please put out my eyes.

  41. cheech wizard
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    If that’s a Plugger toilet, where are the copies of People magazine? And Reader’s Digest?

  42. katya
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of gastrointestinal problems, I saw this genius take on Garfield the other day. Except instead of Garfield it’s Barfield, and instead of food scarfing, there’s food barfing. It’s pretty awesome.

    Barfield Loses His Lunch
    http://www.thereverend.com/barfield

  43. Plasma
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    I think the guy saying “Cute.” was being sarcastic.
    This is FW, after all.

  44. deeeeeeeeelightful
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me, or is that bluish patient with the bandage a ghost or what?

  45. Dingo
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    It’s time for a cross-cultural exchange in comics: Howard Erk is sent to prison in the state where Funky Winkerbean lives, escapes, and clubs Funky to death with an artificial limb. Ah…

  46. anonymous
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers don’t have no time to be fixin’ the toilet paper on that springy little holder, they go through purt near two, three rolls a day.

  47. Alex Blaze
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    For those of you who like it, a late edition of Qomics for Queers is up. Just click on my name.

  48. t.a.m.s.y.
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    Goddamn doctors! Always going to great lengths to ensure my health and well-being, with no regard for my insurance company’s profitability or their colleagues’ tee time!

    All I want is to be knocked unconscious and have my internal organs bandied about, but nooooo, they’re too preoccupied with “medical science” and “state-of-the-art care” and “not having you die on the operating table.” And the worst part is, THEY DO IT EVERY TIME.

  49. stinky pete
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    The Josh Reads Millenary Moment

    (No Millenary Moment for this post. Too busy installing Microsquish CC1K Service Pack 2.0™, stockpiling canned goods and potable water, and scoping out property along the Idaho/Montana border.)

    This has been the “Josh Reads Millenary Moment.” 20 more posts till the millennipost, or the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine….)!

  50. Anne
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    16 pesch — what do pluggers do in the woods? I don’t get it. Do they star in the woods? have 4 anuses in the woods? blog in the woods?

  51. Non-Shannon
    March 6th, 2007 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    This Pluggers reminds me of those Charmin commercials with the bears [BOXCAR]ing in the woods. Come on, pluggers, even your feral brethren put the [MARGO]ing roll on the dispenser!!!

  52. Sheilagh
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    I thought you meant a millinery moment. I was looking for the hat.

    Silly me.

  53. Non-Shannon
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Oh man! For those of you who didn’t click on the Barfield link, here’s the best one.

  54. Harry Paratestes
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    FW: Man, panel three was a classic Batiuk: a pathetic joke accompanied by a stunning half-face smirk. Shakespeare was foreseeing Funky Winkerbean when he wrote ”tis a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”.

  55. jennifer
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    So, in the Winkerbeaniverse is it just assumed that while the women stay inside to discuss their cancer, the men will go outside to dig up the yard with bazookas? Because that’s what I’m getting.

  56. Harry Paratestes
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Am I alone in thinking that the cops are just fraudulent lackeys of 8-ball (and maybe the black cop is the 8-ball himself), and they tracked Elvis to find Nikki and assassinate him? That’s why they got there so quickly. Never trust a meth-head.

  57. Anonymous
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    #22 Jordan — How to read TDIET: Try inhaling helium in between phrases so you talk like a chipmunk, then reading really fast. Each hyphen/dash must be pronounced as a stutter or gulp of helium.

    The interjection “Oh-h-h yeah-h-h” is crucial: it is the primary form of verbal irony in TDIET. As a new reader, you should drawl the words sneeringly as though they are the most scathing put-down ever written. Advanced TDIET readers, however, are advised to say “Oh-h-h yeah-h-h!” with over-the-top enthusiasm and thorough relish for the contradictory little foibles of humanity. This is the true postmodern joy of the strip: not just drinking in the ironies of everyday life, but simultaneously wallowing in the irony of our love of everyday ironies. Oh God, I’m sorry. I’m going to stop now.

  58. t.a.m.s.y.
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    Say, that Barfield really is worth a look. But I especially enjoyed the story arc where Barfield learns he has a week to live, beginning here. Moving!

  59. Poteet
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    # 18 — Tats — Yes! Yes! Thank you for putting my deep visual unease into words! And if you compare the head sizes of Mary and Ella in the first panel, they look kinda like they’re from two different species, like maybe Homo meddlus and Homo highertruthius! Except I bet another Curmudgeon could do the Latin better! Or maybe they’re two different breeds of human, like a Great Meddler and a Miniature Psychic!

    I feel better now.

  60. pesch
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    Anne, that is a deep and philosophical question. In reality, I’m much to timid to say ****.

    Only fuck.

  61. mrmmosh
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    As much as I’d love to hate today’s FW, I really think “Cute” is a sarcastic statement, highlighting the fact that the punchline is, in fact, not cute. Or funny.

    But then why make the joke in the first place? Isn’t a comic supposed to be fuOh wait it’s FW.

  62. Poteet
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    When I think “Plugger,” “toilet,” and “plumbing,” I also think “plunger.” Extremely unwillingly.

  63. Ham Gravy
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Ok, see I read all these posts about the corn cobs, and I figured I’d better give it a go before I commented on it, and based on my recent experience I gotta say that it really depends on just exacly in what way you orient the corn cob. We could be talking about a couple of different things here.

  64. Air Forbes
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    I second t.a.m.s.y. Barfield’s week-to-live strips are classic Garfield, especially the ending.

    Pluggers: Martha Stewart doesn’t live here, but even I put the new roll on the holder. Also, I stopped eating pasta out of the pot it was cooked in after seeing Liz Patterson do it. Comics – shaming me into acting more civilized!

    FW: I know who Holly is, and I knew Funky was remarried, but I didn’t know Funky was a step-dad. I suppose I should follow more closely, but there isn’t enough Prozac in the world to be able to read Funky Winkerbean every day.

    I agree with Josh – I don’t care if the “cute” line was meant to be sarcastic, it still kills the joke. It’s the dialog equivalent of one of TDIET’s arrow-labels.

  65. andreavis
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    I call no way on that Plugger toilet… everyone knows a real Plugger spare TP is properly hidden under a crocheted pink poodle.

  66. Rusty
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    I suppose we should all be thankful the Pluggers choose to use indoor plumbing. Still, isn’t this just a celebration of the banal and mundane? I mean, even more so than usual?

  67. Victoria Waterfield
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    #23 – interesting. In my head, it’s always Rodney Dangerfield who narrates TDIET.

  68. katya
    March 6th, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    Personally, I’m partial to this Barfield but I’m weird:

    http://thereverend.com/barfield/pages/barfield046a.html

  69. Heckler123
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    Personally, I was rather impressed with the Pluggers cartoon today. Pluggers may be too lazy to put the toilet paper on the roll, but at least they take the time to put the seat down.

  70. AppleGirl
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    FW – Okay, I’m confused. I thought the half-asleep-looking character was the girl with cancer. This is a guy with her same hairdo? And is the guy with the glasses the actual Funky Winkerbean?

  71. Shlomo
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    Is a pizzaectomy a simple procedure involving a doctor shoving his hands up a man’s anus and castrating him with a pizza cutter? If it is, you really only need one doctor to perform that.

  72. jvwalt
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    #38 Lammergeier: “Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!”

  73. KJH
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    Flop sweat?

  74. Ukulele Ike
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    “I believe it was Rabelais who said the perfect object to wipe one’s ass with was the neck of a swan.”

    gh: May I make this my catch-phrase?

  75. doug rogers
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    Barfield is really really really good.

  76. Lammergeier13
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    #72jvwalt:”… And two hard boiled eggs…(honk)… Make that three hard boiled eggs.”

  77. PeteMoss
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    Re. FW – “the men will go outside to dig up the yard with bazookas?” – jennifer at #55.

    Don’t know why this kind of observation cracks me up but it’ll do it..everytime.

  78. Lammergeier13
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    #55 and #77: And I suppose you have a BETTER way of digging up the yard?

  79. PeteMoss
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    I think the lesson we learn about Pluggers today is that Pluggers don’t need liberal Hollywood elitists or Washington types telling them what they can or can’t do with their toilet paper. That’s between a Plugger and his Plugger Maker. Also, a Plugger keeps no less than two full rolls of TP ready to go at all times cause Pluggers are hard working folks. They can’t always be bothered to unroll paper from a dispenser either cause they might just need to wipe with the whole damn roll. That’s how hard working they are, dammit.

  80. PeteMoss
    March 6th, 2007 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    78. Lammergeier13, the second amendment guarantees Funky’s and Les’ right to blast the yard with bazookas, granted. Can’t argue with that.

  81. Poteet
    March 6th, 2007 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    Is there no concern amongst us for the toilet? Toilets can only take so much abuse, and if they are expected to handle corncobs and entire rolls of toilet paper and disgusting dolls named Ned, then the flush may be unsuccessful and the water swirls to the top and RIGHT OVER ONTO THE FLOOR, and it starts spreading, ewwwwwww, and omigawd where’s the plunger, and what if that icky water reaches the hall carpet, and…umm…never mind. I was just assuming that’s what happens. I wouldn’t know.

  82. Harry Parateses
    March 6th, 2007 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    #74
    Maybe we should start another abbreviation for the internet: ‘wipe your ass with a swan’s neck: WYAWASN

    No doubt it would soon compete with STFU and GBTW on popularity

  83. Tim McDonough
    March 6th, 2007 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: Why do the onlookers always look like they’re waiting for a grenade to go off? The nurse is indeed looking death in the eye.

  84. Anonymous
    March 6th, 2007 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    Re WYAWASN: If Rita Begler had only thought of that, that whole Mary Worth storyline could’ve ended much differently.

  85. PestoPasta
    March 6th, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    In the 25 years I’ve known my in-laws, they’ve never put the roll of paper on the holder. It drives me nuts every time I go in their bathroom. For the life of me, I could never figure out why…and I don’t want to ask my husband, because the toilet paper holder avoidance disorder seems to have skipped his generation. I better keep on eye on the kids!

  86. kippetje2000
    March 6th, 2007 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Josh
    Pluggers have a second roll of paper so they have something to read while doing their business. Andy Kauffman felt he could educate the folks in V.A. on how to use T.P. It seems they’ve learned that lesson too well over these 20 years. Jonnie (on the spot) Enloe ?
    Uncle Lumpy, King Kong #3&33
    I think the smirk works better if it comes from an unimportant character in a single panel set-up. To smirk, or look smug, or stunned. Blondie does it all the time with Daisy. She always the punctuation at the end of the joke. Not always smiling, in rare instances with an exclamation point dangling overhead. It seems that even TDIET’s scadutoing author uses patient 90 Ù’ for the same ending. The eye traveling left to right across the page puts the laugh at the end. I query you to ponder whether this visual gagging works in other countries where they read right to left. Perhaps FW reads upside down?
    Pesch #34
    You’ve got my vote as ComicsCurmudgen Detective, Slylock grade.
    Anyone
    Who’s looking at Popeye? He’s on the lam with Wimpie in a rowboat as illegal aliens. And their heading out into open water. A political statement from the author? A sympathetic story of our desperate Cuban neighbors? I leave it to you to discuss…

  87. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    If they’re performing a pizza-ectomy, shouldn’t the Noid be scrubbing in?

    Yeah, I said it!

  88. Cornwhacker
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    My toilet paper is currently on a shelf behind the toilet. Not so much because I like it there, but because I have a cat who will, upon discovering a hanging roll, unwind the whole thing and TP the bathroom. So far this is the best solution I’ve come up with.

    But none of the Plugger humanoids resemble cats, so I dunno.

  89. kippetje2000
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Le Pluggres reminds me of a time in France where the worker’s toilets were wooden stalls and a hole in the ground. There were spots on either side of the hole for your feet and two handles on either side of the door for you to hold onto as you squatted. Not being torture enough, there was no dowel hanger of anykind, the roll of paper sitting on top of the stall wall, so that you had to stand on tiptoe to retrieve it. C’est Le Vie. when in Rome…

  90. Jimmy
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: When I was small I confused the people on TV and in the comics with my relatives. (Shelley Fabares was my cousin Joanie; Lucy was my Aunt Terry; etc.) Nowadays, whenever TDIET resurfaces on this blog, it’s like receiving small visits from long-gone aunts, many of whom sported heavy middles, skinny arms, and wore bangle bracelets. TDIET is SO early 1960s… just lik eon so many TV shows from that time, many Moms looked too old to have young children, just like in TDIET. For me the strip is like a trip back to the garlic-scented past.

  91. kippetje2000
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, my bad. Les Pluggres.

  92. Squid Countess
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    Al Scaduto sent an e-mail to little old me!
    Thanx for your two ideas. Let me give them a good think and if I use either one of them, I’ll send you an inscribed copy. In the meantime, please send me your full mailing address. I would also like to know where you read my feature.

    Doesn’t sound like he was overwhelmed with either suggestion, but you never know! I e-mailed them to him about a week ago. I emailed Pluggers on the same day. No answer from them, yet. They’re probably busy fiddling with the toilet paper.

  93. pesch
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    kippetje2000: Pesch #34 You’ve got my vote as ComicsCurmudgen Detective, Slylock grade.

    Elementary my dear kip …

  94. reader-who-posts
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: When I saw today’s strip, I ran into the bathroom and put the damn toilet paper roll on the tuby thing. I AM NOT A PLUGGER, DAMMIT!!!!

    MT: Even is a panel drawn by Elrod you can tell that bitch is overacting.

    MW: Please, God, let Ella tell Mary to stop meddling in peoples affairs. And to kill Chinbeard.

    Spider-Man: Let me get this straight – Peter is upset that Jameson is asking a woman who has no idea who he is questions that are “too close to home”? He has the proportional intelligence of a spider.

    BC: Does Hart always draw the phallic volcano with two round hills on either side?

    Dilbert: Her hair is starting to resemble one of Hart’s volcanos.

  95. RedParatroopa
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    Why do the TDIET creators feel it necessary to to give “cutsey” names to every character/noun? After I read the word “pizzaectomy” I had go back and reread what the point of today’s strip was, which apparently has to do with the annoying absurdity of life in which doctors call in other doctors to help them with “simple procedures,” instead of taking on a four-person operation by themselves like any competent surgeon.

  96. reader-who-posts
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: Isn’t a pizza-ectomy better known as “Liposuction”?

  97. kippetje2000
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    reader-who-posts: re BC; you now have my vote for ComicsCurmudgen Detective, SVU grade. I’m feeling a bit violated since seeing that panel

  98. under_score
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    I really don’t see why Luggbutt could not be in need of a squidectomy rather than a pizzaectomy. Squidectomy is also easier to say. Not that this would matter, I’m just sayin’.

    I really don’t mean to be stepping on your toes re:the squid count, Ms Countess, I am just actively cheering for a squidcrement.

  99. reader-who-posts
    March 6th, 2007 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    #92 – I email Pluggers every week with the same suggestion – “Pluggers are a bunch of fat, stupid, disgusting pigs” – but strangely enough I’ve never been contacted, unless you count that nice kid who served me with the restraining order.

  100. Squeak
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    Mister Brain Surgery is reading the hospital’s confidentiality statement, and is stunned by the thought of how much money he’s going to win in his lawsuit against this blatant HIPAA violation.

  101. Bunnë
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    #89 I had forgotten about the so-called “turkish toilets” of France… I’d like to see the chicks of Judge Parker negotiate those while on their Parisian sejour. Forget the ‘77 street punks! Real intimidation comes in toilet form.

  102. Mibbitmaker
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    3/6:

    TDIET: That’s “Dr. Flop Sweat” to you, pal! Besides that, just two words, TDIET: Frank Burns.

    FOOB: Don’t look now, Apes, but your bun exploded!

    FC: You wouldn’t ask that if you’d seen any Woody Woodpecker cartoons, Jeffy.

    Adam: Huh-huh, ’cause men do so loooove them tools! Huh-huh-huh. Stoopid cowboys, huh-huh-huh…

    S-M: Omigod, the top of JJJ…J…J’s hair is raining! Apparently onto a trampled field of dry brown and white tall grass.

    (And as I wrap up my 3/6 snark, my 3/7 paper gets delivered! Timing!!)

  103. Poteet
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    My house didn’t have a toilet paper roll when I moved in, and it doesn’t have one now. The roll of toilet paper sits on the back of the toilet. So it turns out I’m a Plugger. But now I realize that the advantage of being a Plugger is that compared to the Pluggers in the strip, I look pretty hawt. If I do say so.

  104. Poteet
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    Sorry, I meant to say that my house didn’t have a toilet paper little tube thingy. (I said I was pretty hawt for a Plugger, not brilliant.)

  105. Squid Countess
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    #98 under_score – Represent! We all must do whatever we can to advance the TDIET squid count. (Because it’s important, that’s why). You are so right. Squidectomy would have been much better; almost funny.

    MT: Earlier today I was gripped with fear at the thought that Andy might go into the lake to save Dan, but because he was still feeling the effects of being drugged, Andy drowns. Then I remebered it’s Mark Trail, not FOOB Meets Funky Winkerbean, so everything will be OK.

  106. Nancy
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    @ 22 Jordan:

    Don’t listen to that liar. You just draw out the vowel sounds, so O-o-o-o-o-h-h-h Yea-ea-ea-ea-ea-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h sounds like the noise the Koolaid guy makes.

    It’s a weird way of writing the words, but technically correct.

  107. macb
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    FOOB: now that we’re done with the subplot of April and John walking the dogs, finding a house for Michael and Brood to buy, and otherwise boring us to tears, we can go back to Lynn the Almighty’s purpose in the universe: to portray the Christly Pattersons as they stroll the unending Via Dolorosa that is their collective lives. The latest victimization, to wit: evil Beckers snubbing St. Apwil and her handmaiden, Eva, in the school hallway. In other words, FOOB returns to normal.
    Any speculation on how this subplot will turn out? After all, we already had 4Evah and Eva lionized at the battle of the bands and Beckers publicly humiliated at same. What next? Will Beckers have her face melted when she opens the Ark of the Covenant containing Lynn the Almighty’s holy covenant with her Chosen Ones, the Pattersons?

  108. Mibbitmaker
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    3/7:

    Curtis: “…He’s the Drew Barrymore of rap!”

    FOOB: An actual clever, pre-2000s-like FBOFW! No awful puns! No overwrought bathos (relatedly, no Michael-written anything!)! No botched storytelling! … Savor this while you can, 3/8 is just a day away!

    S-M: Meta-punchline, or Marvel-DC turf war? Make mine indy!

    Non Sequitur: It looks more like a HateBushBird (Allegorus Heavyhandus), ironically a similar species to the Reactioduck (Talkingpointus Tinsleyus), though both birds’ habitat is extreme opposite sides of the same region. The former bird is better-formed (re: drawn), while the latter feeds entirely on grain alcohol, making it the clumsier of the two fowls.

    A3G: “My event planner is beautiful and brainy… and getting whiplash faster than those frown-wrinkles I just mentioned!”

  109. Non-Shannon
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    kippetje2000:
    How have I never noticed you around here before? Might I say, on behalf of all us curmudgeons, hello-o-o-o. *winkity wink*

  110. Shave Ezra
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    After reading Josh’s post, I slowly make my way down the comments, all the while thinking – “Will someone else make this observation? Come on, there are over 100 comments, I can’t be the only one to think of it.”

    But unless someone happened to post exactly NOW (and it’s 8:10 AM my time, but over in the US it’s the middle of the night), I think I’ve got it made.

    Josh – you wanted the joke in FW? I got it. I found it. It’s lame, but it’s right there.

    Brownhaired Carpetguy says he’s concerned about “stepping on Holly’s toes”. Blackhaired Carpet guy says “that’s why you’re called a stepparent”. See, both guys said “step”. Not funny, note really cute (except in that sarcastic way you’re all talking about), but the joke is there.

  111. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    Today’s F-Minus takes yesterday’s Pluggers to its next logical destination…

    And Brad must really have a thing for TJ – TJ’s still there, with his head not jammed sideways between the studs and remaining drywall. Or perhaps I missed the strip where Dirk denutted Brad – someone must have.

  112. kippetje2000
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    thnkx non-shannon. I’ve been a bit over talkative today.That and I’ve just eaten a whole box of fig newtons. I’ll be plugging myself up sometime in the near future I fear.

  113. Aaron T.
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    3/7 MW: YES!! Way to go, fortune-telling nonagenarian!! Make that old biddy pay for what she did to our beloved Load Stalker!

  114. Mibbitmaker
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    #108 (My NS comment): The region that two birds live on opposite extremes of bears the name Ideologica. The HateBushBird mates with the Doonesbirdy and other fowls that lean heavily on their left wings, whereas the Reactioduck does likewise with the rightward-flying-appendaged PrickleyTweety, or littlegirlus squigglus, and other likewise fowls bread specifically for an unnaturally-achieved ballance of nature.

    …And for this overreaching pseudo-satire I miss Ferguson’s monologue! All in a night’s work for the Mibbitus Overwrightus.

  115. Poteet
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    # 113 — Aaron, I fear Ella is actually about to tell Mary that she should feel free of any guilt in regard to Aldo’s death, which, if true, may cause mass vomiting tomorrow.

  116. ComicsFan
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    Aldomania returns!

  117. kippetje2000
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth’s going down. Ella’s wired! She’s deep undercover. Mary’s about to make a taped confession and will take the whole complex down with her. She have to turn goverment witness, relocate and we will be rid of her forever. Or she doesn’t fold, takes the rap herself, and we’ll have seven to ten years of Mary’s meddling in the State’s Women’s Corrections Facility. Yay!

  118. Mibbitmaker
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    More 3/7:

    PC: “The tax cuts worked”? You mean the tax cuts that helped raise the deficit in the first place? Yeah, great point there, Stantis.

    MW: I saw #113 (Aaron T.) and went to my comics build-up page, and sure ’nuff! Will Moy pay heed to our Aldo commentary? Will there finally be Kelrast Justice? Will Ella also justifiably guilt the town for leaving a cliff unmarked at the sudden end of a furshlugginer road? Will Mr. Green Jeans demand accountability as well? Stay tuned. (Woo-hoo!!)

  119. Trilobite
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    Oh, Ella, you foolish old biddy: it’s no good trying to appeal to Mary Worth’s long-atrophied sense of shame and human decency, just so you can sneak out of Charterstone while she drones her way through an extended flashback monologue about her adventures in homicide. You’re not going to Florida until she’s unloaded half a Bartlett’s worth of dumbass homilies on you, so just sit back and suck it up already.

  120. kippetje2000
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    Freak Circus3/7: Speaking of confessions Billy writes: Kill Jeffy, Mommy & Daddy. Ask Dolly about that humming thing.

  121. Harry Merkin
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    I may be slow but I just realized that Ella is psychic because I’m pretty sure no one has a facial expression for “I feel guilty because my actions surning a gentleman caller directly led to his death by drunk driving off a cliff”. At least no one I know has that facial expression.

  122. Edward
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Pluggers are revolting, obese, stingy assholes.

  123. jaybrrd
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    Somehow, I always equated Pluggers with the animated bears in Charmin commercials. This, of course, means they crap in the woods and suffer severe renal itching. Am I off the mark there?

  124. Aaron T.
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:56 am [Reply]

    122 Edward: Don’t forget decrepit, uneducated, and slovenly.

    123 jaybrrd: Renal itching, or rectal itching? Because I’m not sure which one sounds worse.

  125. Draktyr
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:07 am [Reply]

    MW- Justice for Aldo!!!!!! Give it to that self-righteous biddy good, Ella. Make Mary twist and squirm. Then, as a parting shot, tell her that her casseroles are tasteless and bland, much like her Charterstone life…

  126. jaybrrd
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    Pay close attention to the commercials, Aaron — the facial expressions indicate that the itch comes from deeper with in. A good anal itch can be relieved with a quick pick. But these bears, man — unless they get that Charmin right up there, there’s no telling how far it goes.

  127. Mr. O’Malley
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    56. RMMD: I’m with you, Harry. That “cop” is one of Eightball’s sidekicks in a phony uniform. Let’s hope the Wonder Dog figures it out in time.

    MT: I see this concept slowly unfolding over an extended period of time. Mark wants to use diving gear to find Dan in the lake. Where could Mark get diving gear? Didn’t Dan bring some diving gear along? I wonder where Dan’s diving gear is now?

    Phantom: It looks as though Old Man Mozz is taking care of business all by himself. Just as well if the Phantom is rushing to the rescue at the speed of a grazing elephant. Another question would be, since there is no known case of an African elephant being domesticated, where did this pygmy guy get hold of an Indian elephant in Africa? That city and office seem remarkably deserted. Is it a public holiday? Do hermits usually have such a busy social life? I only started following this strip a few months ago, so maybe all these questions were explained way back .

    TDIET: Is a senior gramp the elder of your two grandfathers, and the other is a junior gramp? And that film he’s watching—is that A Plugger and his Dog (1947)?

    OBH: I couldn’t help thinking how much better this would be if it were Luann reading the story, wearing some kind of 18th century outfit supplied by Gunther.

    DtM: Why do Dennis’s parents have a picture of Adolf Hitler in their living room?

    BC: Whenever there is one of those puns, I like to see what the Spanish version is like. Today, he’s translated “bountiful” to “abundante”, thereby making the punch line totally senseless. Plus, to further confuse people, he’s changed the name to “Captain Blight”. People make jokes about TDIET being translated from Esperanto and so on, but this is a real life case, if it actually appears in any newspaper. It would leave Los Gruñones de Cómicos scratching their heads.

  128. Randy S
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:22 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth is so gullible.
    She thinks that Ella’s “intuition is amazing” when in fact, Ella has been hanging around Charterstone all the while that Mary has been in Vietnam and could easily have gotten wind of the story from her fellow tenants.

    By the way, anyone ever notice that Aldo looks just like Captain Kangaroo?

  129. Caged Tygre
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:29 am [Reply]

    Will Ella channel Aldo for Mary so she can deliver him one last platitude? Will unexpected sparks fly leading Mary and Aldo-Ella to get it on while Unchained Melody plays in the background? Will a recovering Dr. Jeff walk in on this and then just as quickly walk out to head to the nearest airport to get a one-way ticket to Hanoi?

  130. AppleGirl
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    MW – Yes! Yes! YES! Let’s relive Aldomania ‘06! We need more details of the events leading up to that fateful September plunge… We need to see remorse from Mary… We need to pronounce the Charterstone Four guilty… We need CLOSURE, dammit! Mary’s back from ‘Nam; let’s get back to the business at hand. At the very least, let’s see her experience some tortured flashbacks about our beloved Aldo.

    Ella, you are a ROCK STAR, you old thing, you.

  131. Obélix
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:32 am [Reply]

    3/7 (DT)GT – First panel – Has there been and earthquake in Milford, or is the artist channeling Rose Is Rose?

  132. The Avocado Avenger
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:04 am [Reply]

    MW: Woohoo mama! Aldomania is what got me reading this site, and it looks like we’ve got a little rehash coming up. I haven’t been this excited since I thought Charlie was going to kick Lucy’s ass after one of those interminable football pranks.

    MT: Mark apparently believes Dan can live underwater for several minutes while he gets swim gear. It’s obvious that, back in the war, Mark obviously learned about Dan’s amazing ability to hold his breath for a very long time. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

  133. Randy S
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:26 am [Reply]

    Wednesday’s TDIET is pretty weird if only for the cartoon Senior Gramp Alonzo is/was watching as a kid.
    I appreciate that Scaduto is trying to make it as violent as possible, but why does the dog wearing the wife beater shirt have an axe in his left hand AND a gun in his right hand? And what is that stylized spherical cartoon bomb doing floating in mid air in front of his knees?

  134. Randy S
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:29 am [Reply]

    Oh and why does Scaduto call it the “Every-Saturday” Matinee Cartoons when “Saturday Matinee” would suffice?

  135. John C Fremont
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:11 am [Reply]

    MW – But what if this new episode has nothing to do with Aldo? What if she killed someone else over the summer, and Moy and Giella thought it was too gruesome to tell us about – until now?!

    Nah! But maybe we’ll at least get some flashbacks of Aldo before it’s over.

  136. Pinback65
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:25 am [Reply]

    Wow, I’m actually feeling good about things. First, Scooter Libby is found guilty, and now possible justice for Aldo! God Bless America, I guess.

  137. Joshreads CC1Kâ„¢ Compliance Director
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:31 am [Reply]

    How fast is CC1K approaching? Imagine an anthropomorphic freight train, kind of like Thomas the Tank Engine, but larger, like Edward or Gordon, and instead of coal, they’re burning crank that’s being shoveled into their fireboxes by a rabid Howler monkey, the one that Edvard Munch was channeling when he created “The Scream,” and their satanic red eyes are manic and sleepless and tracked in red lines that look like a Google Earth shot of the Nile delta during a Red Tide, as their drive rods pound like Margo’s hips as she rides a Sybian inadvertently plugged into a 220v circuit. THAT’S how fast CC1K is approaching!! And are you ready? HUH? ARE YOU????

    No. No, you aren’t. There you sit, all smug in your bathrobe with your lemon tea and poached egg, scrolling down the thread, softly chuckling at some droll comment by Poteet or Mibbetmaker, or waiting for Dingo to post a link that will make the women smile and the men feel so, so inadequate, or seeing if that Chennux chap has phoned in another bon mot, or just checking the squid count, not giving a tinker’s dam about the HORROR that will visit the CC1K shirker. Do you want a 40 foot tall Mary Worth busting out of your monitor, spewing advice and lava from her mouth in equal amounts?? Or all of your MP3 files overwritten by a Dolby 5.1 recording of Aunt Rachel and her butler Groves DOING IT, both the original pidgin French version and the Ludacriz re-mix featuing Mary K. Blige???

    There. I’ve said my piece. Go dittybopping off to Hell in your little hybrid-technology handbasket, Mr. and Ms. Too Busy To Be A Homecoming Queen Without a Pack of Trojans in Her Purse. Twenty posts from now, as the CC1k bug rides you like a senior quarterback reeking of Everclear and Gatorade, maybe you’ll regret it then. Maybe.

  138. Pozzo
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    Okay, so where exactly is the dividing line between “Plugger” and “Redneck”? Because we’re getting perilously close to Jeff Foxworthy territory here, folks.

  139. One_Radish_Sobs
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    MW — Justice for Aldo at last? Angry Black Woman where are you now to savor this moment with us all?

  140. Krazy Kat
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    MW-
    ALDO!!! Aldo!!! Ella knows about Aldo!

  141. Sheilagh
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    So does anyone know why Doonesbury is in reruns this week? I thought it was just the Post-Gazette having a cow about some objectionable storyline, but the Houston Chronicle has the same reruns posted. Is Trudeau on vacation or something?

  142. Squid Countess
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    Old Fogeyette- I can’t find a post about Google the cat doing better, but I see happy responses to it, so Yay! I’m so glad for you.

  143. Calico
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    MW – Mary looks absolutely scared shitless in panel two. I wanna see what she dreams about now…

  144. Lynngineering
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    FW: Since I don’t keep track of this comic, I sort of have to assume here from what I see, that the two Beckett-like characters are carrying cannon shells of some kind, in which to place into said cannon and, I guess fire off when they actually make something like a humorous joke? Or did I miss something.

  145. Shiptic Canker
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    How can ya tell when Brusho, Cyana and the rest of the coloring drones can’t stand the strip no mo’? When they say DAHELLWIDDIT mid-job, and paint the rest of TDIET in a resigned blue wash — OH YEAH!!

  146. Calico
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Since I am not snarking properly this AM (must take my snark meds and Recalibrate with Chennux’s help), I thought all the kidz here might enjoy a little birth-science apparently written for Pluggers and the Family Circle-Jerks:

    http://www.lrsd.ab.ca/STAFF/brownr/science/bio30/Sammy%20Sperm%20Coloring%20Book.htm

    These might be good pages for that easy-way-out blue and purple washes that Elrod, Scaduto, and Barreto are swimming in this week.

  147. Calico
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    For THOSE, I meant. I can’t even compose a proper sentence this AM. Sheesh (Or “Yeesh”, as Archie used to say all the time thirty-five years ago)!

  148. Squawk
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Are we supposed to believe that pluggers even use toilet paper, rather than pages from a 1947 Sears-Roebuck catalog? Or that they even have a toilet that they don’t have to walk across their backyard to get to?

  149. dimestore lipstick
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    TDIET–I’d want Dr. Allthumbs to bring in outside opinions, since he can’t even get the name of the procedure right. Everyone knows it’s a pizzicatomy, not a pizzaectomy.

  150. Old Fogeyette
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    I can’t stay away from youse guys, even though I have no time right now. Haven’t seen the comics, haven’t had coffee, just finished skimming forty gazillion comments, and I have to say to DC Birdblaster that I am in awe of your Funky comment, though I can no longer find what number it was. You have absolutely nailed it, with its abundance of tragedy leading to the absurd, which in itself is very funny. Or if not funny must be laughed at to avoid existential despair.

    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    Squid Countess, thanks for your YAY for Google. He’s so much better and so into humping Sammy that we may have to put him back on Prozac.

    And Stinky Pete, I’m loving your millenary moments!

  151. germaine
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    I want to be the first to say that Cathy is pregnant! She is deep in the nesting phase – I bet they spring it on us in the next few days!!!

    Ugh -how many cartoons of those mangy mutts complaining about the new baby are we going to have to endure? And – if we thought her incessant talk about food was bad when she was “dieting” – how bad will it be now that “it doesn’t matter, I’m pregnant?”!?

  152. dimestore lipstick
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    #19, jvwalt–
    I think the mudgers need to chip in and buy Mr Scaduto a copy of The Lexicon of Comicana.

    True comics cognoscenti know that those droplets are called “plewds”.

  153. TurtleBoy
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Ella: Beware the Ides of March.

    Mary: What woman is that?

    Prof. Cameron: A soothsayer bids you beware the Ides of March.

    Mary: Set her before me; let me see her face.

    Toby: Lady, come from the throng; look upon the Queen Meddler.

    Mary: What say’st thou to me now? Speak once again.

    Ella: Beware the Ides of March.

    Mary: She is a dreamer; let us leave her. Pass.

    Exeunt, all but Cameron and Toby.

  154. spoonman
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    TDIET: I don’t know about anyone else here, but it looks to me like whatever cartoon young Alonzo is watching looks like it may be the pinacle of human achievement.

    RMMD: “Please officer, we asked his Mom and everything! Honest! We were gonna camp out back and tell ghost stories!” Bonus points for the fully committed puppy-dog eyes on Nikki. That kid knows how to sell it.

    MW: Say it with me now…*ahem*…ALLLDOOOO! With Ella in the mix might we be treated to an Aldo ghost? Kelrast rocks so hard he’s taking it to where no stalker has gone before. Please let the future of the strip contains a scene of a shirtless Aldo helping Mary to shape a clay pot on a spinning wheel.

  155. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    FC – Keane displays his favorite Billy pose.

  156. Lyppy
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    I wasn’t aware that Pluggers knew about toilet paper

  157. Ribinin
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    #12 gh RE:swans – and it was Marie Antoinette who said “let them use ducks”.

  158. Plugmein
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Waaaaay back at comment #7, gh said

    “Say what you will about Pluggers, the man can sure draw a toilet.”

    Yes, but can he draw a bath?

  159. Joey
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    DtM parents don’t have a picture of Hitler. If you zoom up really, really closely, you will see it is an autographed picture of J. Jonah Jameson.

    Which is a bit scarier, if you ask me.

  160. Will Ludwigsen
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    I’m terrified to think about opening the Pluggers P.O. box there in Richmond. I mean, just what do prospective Plugger submitters send? Did Jonnie Enloe send his two damp and yellowed rolls of toilet paper? Did he sign with an X? Did he use a sheet of bark for his cover letter?

  161. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Plugger subs find that their doms keep forgetting the safe-word. Ouch!

    TDIET: Aside from the fact that the cartoon in panel one looks just as ancient as the one in panel 2, it’s a salient point.

    OBH: Is this a reference to Lisa Nowak? Don’t get me started on that nuttiness.

    JP: Good Lord, what have the coloring gnomes done to Neddy’s lips?

    S4th: It’s somewhat unnerving watching young marrieds telling mother-in-law jokes that predate Henny Youngman.

    A3G: Judging from the speedlines, Margo’s head must have just done an Exorcist 360.

    (DT)GT: (Panel 1) Aaaaghh, Milford is sliding into the ocean!!! The humanity!!

  162. essteess
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    When I saw the “Pluggers” credo regarding proper insertion of toilet paper rolls, my immediate thought was that this was supposed to be a moderately-veiled swipe at the “debate” over this very subject that would crop up periodically in “Dear Abby” at least once or twice a year.
    Of course, Abby has been dead how many years now? But maybe there’s just that long of a lead time between when a reader submits suggestions and when they are actually used.
    So, perhaps there is finally joy at the household of “Jonnie Enloe of Longview, Texas” — his idea has at long last been given form.

  163. Ham Gravy
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    I’m not sure a pizzaectomy is indicated. Complete removal of the pizza is a radical procedure. Consideration should be given to the less-invasive pizzaostomy.

  164. cheech wizard
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    162- Dear Abbey isn’t dead – although she is suffering from Alzheimer’s. It’s twin sister Ann Landers who croaked.

  165. Erika
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    GF- Is Shakespug wearing pants? The color and the “XL” thing on his chest are confusing me…

  166. Harold
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Wow, if we thought Margo was angry before, how will she react to Eric’s revelation that he’s using someone else as a party planner?

    And Ella, never mind the dead Captain Kangaroo lookalike in Mary’s past. Worry about what the money-throwing Gary Dent has been up to for the past few months!

  167. Chris
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    So, I am not sure, but I think that the “Cute.” line is actually delivered sardonically, as in, he doesn’t actually think the joke is very cute either. Like a very flatly stated “Ha ha” would be.

    Which means that he agrees with your evaluation of the joke, and we’re actually meant to feel warm about the friendship these two share where one can mock the quality of the other’s jokes.

    And on that level, … it might actually work.

  168. Chris
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Oh look, Brendan pegged it waaaay back at comment 10. And said it better than me. That’ll teach me to read through first…

  169. Kate
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    That looks like my husband’s bathroom, except that the extra roll on the back of the toilet is inside a “Thank You For Your Business” bag from the local Chinese take-out joint.

  170. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    #74 Ukulele Ike

    Just so long as it’s catch and release.

  171. Kronkina
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    FW 3/6 – And…now its raining. Of course.

  172. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Man. Right at the moment it looked like Tommie Thompson would have a choice of two dolts to slam her head against the banister while performing the Maypole of Love, the story shifts. Is Tommie’s life like one of those 1940s movies where the moment the leads kiss you see palm trees sway and ubiquiducks in flight? Is every day with chemo girl another moment in time that Tommie is uttering sounds like a howler monkey chained to a chair while forced to watch Pia Zadora concerts? Is she Frank Gifford’s bofo girl? Will she return to Apt. 3G with that justfuckeduptheassbytwomen hairstyle that’ll make Margo’s head bobble completely off?

    Where’re my meds?

  173. Anonymous
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    FOOB – I feel a deep sense of shame admitting this, but I too yell my mother’s name in crowded places when I’m trying to get her attention.

    Sadly, she is quite hard of hearing and generally doesn’t turn around, so mostly, I just look like an idiot.

    But in her, and my younger days, it worked like a charm.

    So could one say that today’s FOOB is…shudder…relevant?

  174. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Okay, in regard to Pluggers:

    My parents seem incapable of changing a role of toilet paper. It’s almost as though they believe the devil inhabits the inside of the roll handle. They’ll place a fresh roll atop the roll with two or three individual sheets remaining on it. When (or if) I find stable employment and move out, I shudder to think what will happen with me not here to change that damned roll.

    Perhaps they could hire Raju away from the wrestling squad.

  175. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Damn. I spelled roll correctly in one spot and incorrectly in another. Somewhere, there’s a curmudgeon who probably did play the ROLE of toilet paper in some grade school hygiene pageant. A shitty part, to be sure. Perhaps a child’s theatre production of potty training entitled, “And I’m Tellin’ You, I Am Not Going!… on That Cold Plastic Seat”

  176. insolenttomato
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    TDIET: I always imagine this strip being read in a really, really rough Brooklyn accent. Like the child of Jackie Mason and Rodney Dangerfield times infinity. Plus, I love the early 1960s medical shorthand in today’s strip; the doctor’s mirrored headband thingey, the nurse’s starched-white Clara Barton get-up, complete with hat. Because, ya know, without all those reference points, we might think that it was a patent attorney trying to perform the highly invasive pizzaectomy. Those patent attorneys! They truly will do it every time.

    PS: re the TDIET nurse . . . holy badonkadonk!

  177. Kronkina
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    #56 Harry Paratestes: I predicted that earlier this week. It seems kind of obvious, doesn’t it?

  178. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    #157 Ribinin

    HARHARHAR!! Good one!

  179. The Avocado Avenger
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    #165 Erika – Someone else explained this to me, so I can’t take credit, but apparently Shakespug is wearing a sweatshirt as a pair of pants.

    #150 Old Fogeyette – I’m so glad to hear about your kitty!

    #147 Calico – I can’t snark today either, or compose a decent sentence. Never could get the hang of Wednesdays.

  180. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Hey out there! Which one of you was it who reads Wodehouse? J. Parsons? Jay Ward? I read Bertie Changes His Mind last night and . . . bear with me here, I remember loving horehound drops as a kid and a certain combination of flavors all subtle and delicious, ever so slightly exotic and, I don’t know, can candy taste ironic? Anyway, if I had actually been enjoying one I’d have either spewed it across the room or choked on it. Jeeves. He’ll do it every time. Exactly, sir.

  181. Calico
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    #179 – yes, snarking is hard on a Wednesday when it is freezing cold outside.
    I realized I made a little (stupid) joke yesterday, though, when I said I was drinking a cup of “Ella’s Tea.” Har har.
    I need another cup of Ella’s Tea, and some Pink Floyd.

  182. Poteet
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    MW — I’m going to break my own rule just this once and repeat what I said before. I predict that Ella will try to absolve Mary of guilt. If I’m right, I will dance in my chair between retchings. If I’m wrong, I’ll be happy to be wrong amid the cheering on this site, and will figuratively eat my shorts.

  183. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    #180 gh -

    Sen-sen is ironic candy. Anything with licorice or ginger, really. And Payday is an ironic candy bar because it’s salty.

  184. Calico
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Captain America-Noooooooo!
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17499797/

  185. Little Guy
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    I’m ashamed to say that, the other day, I used the word ‘Boxcar’ as an expletive.

  186. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    #137 JR CC1Kâ„¢ CD

    Dear Mr. Hot and Bothered,

    All you IT or QC people are the same. Doom and gloom! I’ve been looking forward to this since p=960.

    http://joshreads.com/?p=960#comment-182068

    I’m not going to let a little thing like the end of the universe spoil my fun, so just run along and play with your capacitors or flanges or rebobs or whatever you do in your department. Probably checking each other’s cholesterol levels and wrapping up your investigation of who forgot to use a coaster.

  187. Gee Ain\\’t It Funny How Time Slips Away
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: The extra roll of toilet paper is indeed under the knitted pink tp holder on the back of the toilet right next to the knitted kleenex box holder. My mother in law is a plugger!

    Dingo would you consider relocating for a job? What do you do?

  188. Old Fogeyette
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Comments on dialogue today:

    “I sense you still harbor feelings of self-reproach over an incident.” Could this possibly be put more stiffly? Now, sometimes stiff dialogue is the result of having to write it really short to fit the word-balloon. But that is clearly not the case here. Otherwise, Ella would say, “I sense you’re feeling guilty about something.” (If it were MT, it would be “I have the sense that you suffer from feelings of guilt.”) Anyway, WTF? I am beginning to think that Ella, like so many of our beloved comics characters, is an alien and therefore does not have the internal grammar template that Chomsky posited all humans possess. Either that, or Karen Moy is an alien. Either way, I’m looking forward to Aldo’s ghostly reprise.

    “Prithy thee biteth me…” Can’t you just see that on a tshirt?

  189. Gee Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Damn I made a mistake in my name!

  190. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    #158 Plugmein

    We’ll leave that to Slylock.

    #183 Uncle Lumpy

    HAHAHA! Payday is . . . wha? I feel like Satchel, laughing at something I don’t get. Now, Atomic Fireballs, that’s ironic candy!

  191. Mike
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    #182 – Will it help if, in the absolution, Mary has a reunion with Aldo, thanks to the assistance of Aldo’s old friend “Johnny” and a shovel?

  192. Gee Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    MW: Ella is going to put the hex on Mary so she may possibly feel the guilt of killing a man. Yeaaah Aldo!!!

  193. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    138 Pozzo: You might be a Plugger if…you scorn rednecks as pretentious snobs with their “toilet paper rolls” and fancy French cooking of the potato.

  194. New-Me
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Captain America is dead :(

  195. Plugmein
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    New from Pillsbury, Toilet Paper Rolls.

    mmm mmmm mmmmmmmm dems is good eatin.

  196. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Today’s (DT)GT explained:

    Question the second drawer remembered to ask – “Has the action shifted to the Wyche house?”
    Question the second drawer forgot to ask – “Has the ground shifted under the Wyche house?”

    Question the third drawer remembered to ask – “Is Lisa Wyche at home?”
    Question the third drawer forgot to ask – “Is there a pillow striped like a barber pole on the couch?”

    It’s simple, really.

  197. andreavis
    March 7th, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    #187 Gee Ain’t it Funny [etc.] I will confess to also having a crocheted TP cover on my own toilet. Mine looks like a sushi roll (a California roll, specifically) and I made it myself, so it is, by definition, non-Pluggeresque. On account of I’m not a Plugger, you see. I’m not. Nope. Nuh-uh.

  198. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Re: 192 – I just don’t see how Ella could curse Mary Worth with anything that could be any worse than just being stuck as Mary Worth.

    I think she must have been Salome in her previous life and had John the Baptist’s head lopped off, or racked up some other serious bad karma to end up like this.

  199. PeteMoss
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    #55 jennifer

    Bazooka Landscaping by Funky & Les
    A Faith-Based, 2nd Amendment Lovin’, Modern Lawn Renovation System For the Clincally Depressed And Terminally Ill.

    No crabgrass left behind.

    Ask about senior discounts!

  200. stinky pete
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    A gentle reminder, to those who are new, or have ignored my base groveling over the past few posts, that the St. Louis Post Dispatch (STLtoday.com/comics) is running an online poll to cull their comics page, and Get Fuzzy is on the chopping block. Those throw-50 carbon jerks! If you have the time and interest, a vote for Satchel et al. would be appreciated.

  201. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    Evidence I spend too much time at this site: Today, I was composing the answer key for a statistics midterm, and I had occasion to write down a “mu” with a subscript “w”. Mu being the Greek letter corresponding to our M, when I read “mu w” out loud to myself, I almost read it as “Mary Worth”.

  202. cheech wizard
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    So, are you a plugger if the toilet paper dispenser in your bathroom is located in a place that:

    1) Jambs the roll up against your knee because the terlet is set back in a space about the size of a typical seat in coach.
    2) Is about three feet from said terlet, so that a) you really have to stretch to reach it while trying not to fall off the seat.
    3) Requires you to twist around and reach way back to reach it, in the process of which the unrolled paper sticks to the condensation on the tank.
    4) Has a roller so loose that a tiny yank sends about five feet of paper cascading onto the floor, where it soaks up the grimy hair-infused water still pooling around from this morning’s shower.
    5) Is in such a place that it catches all the little stray droplets that escape from behind the shower curtain, turning the roll into a soggy mess.

    In other words, Pluggers are people who can’t afford homes designed by competent architects. And so they just say fuck it and set the roll off to the side somewhere.

  203. Allie Cat
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    #183 – Uncle Lumpy – my husband is a big fan of a Dutch confection – double salted licorice – one of the salts is an ammonia salt.

    This candy is not ironic, it’s just plain nasty.

    It tastes like cat pee smells.

  204. Foobar
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    TDIET-
    This one beats even Slylock Fox for best incidental features. Observe:

    - The fishnet bathrobe hanging from the end of the bed
    - Dr. Allthumbs’ sattelite dish in place of the usual purposeless reflector
    - The lovingly arranged still-life compositions for the contempative enjoyment of each patient
    -The room-mate’s hack-job on his hand; was his hand chopped in half and stapled back together?

  205. TurtleBoy
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    #201, Skullturf: when you start reading DT (or worse yet, (DT)GT) as differential quantities…that’s when you need to be afraid.

  206. D.A.Pennington
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Remember:
    “Saturn Boxcar Mule” is Canadian for “I Love You.”

  207. athena
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Must confess: I’m growing to like FW. It’s not always (ever?) really funny, but it does serve the purpose of a comic–to brighten the reader’s day. And every morning that I read FW, I feel so much happier knowing that although I’m apparently married to a Plugger (though a drawing of our bathroom would need to have a Racing Form strewn across the floor) at least I have both arms, received a post-mammogram all-clear, have never seen a landmine, and don’t have to attend AA meetings.

  208. Poteet
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    # 203 — Wow, Allie Cat — cat-pee candy. What a concept. Is that part of the Funky Winkerbean Special Assortment, along with dead-mouse candy and failing-septic-system candy?

    Actually, dark chcolate, to me, tastes cynical. I often enjoy cynicism on paper, in limited amounts, but I like my chocolate more upbeat.

    I once saw video from an experiment in which hours-old newborns were offered a chance to suck bottles of sugar water. Some of them were obviously indifferent. Sugar water, big deal. Others reacted like Dagwood tasting a good tall sandwich — eyes wide, pupils dilated, clearly headed for a life of sugar addiction. Yep.

  209. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    So I’m reading the comments at The Onion’s website (I think it was the “Inventory” feature on songs named after years), and what should I see but a comment by one “Skullturf Q. Beavispants.”

    It was almost like running into Mary Worth in real life. Only without the platitudes.

  210. Justafoob
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    athena, by what you say of yourself in #207, you must be a Canadian Saint. Your last name has got to be Patterson.

  211. Poteet
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, that should have been “dark chocolate,” emphasis on “dark.”

  212. Sish Kabob
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    MT. You know … unless Dan hid a rebreather to carry out his plot … Mark needs to LOOK FOR THE BUBBLES!!! The ancient open-circuit SCUBA gear Dan hid in the lake would make it easy to find him. Unless his evil plan has gone horribly awry and he really is dead. But that would be channeling FW, wouldn’t it.

  213. Anonymous
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Cheech Wizard–

    5) Is in such a place that it catches all the little stray droplets that escape from behind the shower curtain, turning the roll into a soggy mess.

    That would be me. And I bought my house from a Plugger, but prefer to persist in the delusion that I am not one myself.

  214. stinky pete
    March 7th, 2007 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    203 Allie Cat, sounds like part of the Whizzo Quality Assortment – Crunchy Frog, Ram’s Bladder Cup, Anthrax Ripple, Spring Surprise…..has an Inspector Praline been around to visit?

  215. dimestore lipstick
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    oops. 213 = me

  216. queek
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    PBS dodges a MILF joke, but Frazz catches it.
    Non Sequitur and Canderville were both less than subtle today.

    Best Bad Pun of the Day goes to Ink Pen. “Balpeenitol”

  217. Harold
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    #183 Uncle Lumpy – Sounds like Payday is more of a Latin-referencing candy. What with the saltiness, I mean. It would be funnier if Payday were simply a wrapper filled with salt.

    #180 gh, Ribbon candy is ironic, I think, since it has the reputation of being a candy without serving any of the necessary functions of a candy. It is a candy eaten as an act of politeness to one’s elders, not for enjoyment. And later in life it is eaten as an act of nostalgia that will itself bring on bittersweet memories of not enjoying candy.

    God help me, I found today’s Pluggers (with the freezer full of cold compresses) mildly amusing, ’cause it’s true.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about Captain America. I don’t know how Marvel’s Civil War storyline will end up, but I have a feeling Cap’s death has been staged to allow him to re-emerge either wearing Ronin’s leathers, or Iron Man’s armor.

  218. cheech wizard
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    213- dimestore – actually, all of those scenarios describe places where I’ve lived at one time or another, so I feel your pain.

  219. Quick Toboggan
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    F Minus: Let me see if I’ve properly deduced the M.O. of the elderly gentleman in today’s strip:

    1. His wife dies.
    2. After she dies, he finds that his mind scatters whenever he enters the bathroom, rendering him almost completely non-functional, but only in that room.
    3. He realizes that the scattering is because when she was alive, she was always in the bathroom whenever he was, always scowling.
    4. He has his wife stuffed and mounted, standing but hunched over, with a never-ending scowl. The taxidermist is lousy, however, and the mount refuses to stand on its own.
    5. He temporarily leans the mount against the bathroom doorway as he looks for a more appropriate place to lean her against. Ideally, her scowl should be constantly within eyesight regardless of whether he’s sitting or standing at the toilet, so the mind-scattering doesn’t return.
    6. With his back turned to her, however, he realizes how serious his problem is: without her scowl in constant eyesight, his mind scatters to the point can’t even look for a good place for her to scowl from.

  220. Allie Cat
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    208, 214 – Poteet and Pete – The double salt licorice is really that bad. But the dog LOVES it.

    Which should tell you something.

    Of course, this is the same dog that could take or leave sushi, but begs for both the wasabi and pickled ginger.

  221. andreavis
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    #208 Poteet– I like your description of dark chocolate. It does taste a bit cynical; I just had a piece, to test your theory ;-). It’s bitter, with a mellow aftertaste. I’ve always thought of it as grown-up chocolate, that takes a sophisticated palate to appreciate. Le chocolat, c’est moi!

  222. Flip Corkin
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    Luann: wow, TJ channels John Hiatt

    Phantom: I’m getting tired of the enigmatic Ewok. But the narration box’ “Sop it you old fool!” was pretty good.

  223. Flip Corkin
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Aaarrgh! That should be STOP it you old fool! When will I learn to see it before I say it? boxcar

  224. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    #202 Cheech Wizard: You must know my Aunt Judy. I haven’t been in her house in about twenty years but relatives tell me that the carpet in her kitchen (don’t ask) is so soggy with grease that your shoes leave tracks when walking into another room. The mold in the bathroom has progressed from the wall next to the shower and is now halfway down the hall to the living room. She once kept a calf in her basement (don’t ask). When Aunt Judy repainted her dining room/kitchen, she didn’t move the refrigerator; the walls are a different color now than the area behind it. Oh, and at eighteen she was Pork Queen of Bureau County (don’t ask). Why do I mention this? Because she crochets yarn dresses that attach to Barbie doll torsos that you put over the spare toilet paper roll. Check the bathroom in Ella Byrd’s condo! I’m sure she has one.

    #187 Gee, Ain’t It Funny: in answer to your query, I’ve recently applied for a job at a university in Istanbul, Turkey and another in Cairo (and I don’t mean southern IL). So, yes, I’m more than willing to relocate. My background includes video production, 3D animation, compositing, and graphics. I’m currently teaching ENG/EFP (for the non-videoits – electronic news gathering/electronic field production) at a community college 45 miles from home and earning a whopping $100 per week for it. The only jobs in the area where I currently reside are as follows: night-shift stocker at Wal*Mart (did it), warehouse stocker at PetSmart distribution center, or pole dancer at Silver Slipper Saloon (wrong gender). I was on a website Monday night for jobs in broadcasting and found a position that asked for experience as a reporter/videographer/editor who wanted to “do it all” in northeastern Michigan. The salary? $14,500. Yes, no typos. $14,500. Remember Tama Janowitz’ Slaves of New York? The concept that one person would be responsible for paying the bills and one person basically was at their beck and call because of it? Well, I guess that I’m the official toilet paper roll changer here for my parents in return for shelter.

    Oh, perhaps I should also mention that my PowerPoint skills match Mary Worth’s ability to conjure a tuna casserole out of thin air. I used to refer to myself as the PowerPoint Whore of Chicago: PowerPoint when you want it, where you want it, how you want it, any place, any time.

    If only snarking paid $100k a year! (plus benefits)

    I put my resume up on my site. If you click on my name, it’ll take you there.

    Now, back to the snarks! Skullturf, would you like to switch midterms and see what happens? My students have a midterm covering libel, slander, 3-point lighting, and editing for newscast. I’d love to give them your statistics midterm, instead.

  225. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Damn. The link didn’t work on that.

  226. Bunnë
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    #141 Trudeau must be taking a week off. I get my fix directly from the syndicate, and they wouldn’t censor that. Er, at least I can’t image they would. That would be bizarre.

  227. Allie Cat
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    #224 – Dingo – my husband’s first job was as an editor/photog at a news outfit in Chattanooga, TN. The pay? $5.25 an hour.

    That was 9 years ago – he’s now a photog for a production house in Nashville, and no longer has to eat tuna helper, sans tuna.

  228. Bitter Scribe
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers don’t get into discussions about whether toilet paper sheets should hang down from the front or the back of the roll.

    Ummm—-Who, exactly, does?

    Also, I always thought “flop sweat” referred to the sweat of a comic or other performer who was “flopping,” i.e., bombing.

  229. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    #200 stinky pete

    Thanks for the reminder. I’ve voted three times now. To the uninitiated, you can vote more than once by simply putting in a different email address — it doesn’t have to be a real one. Anything ending in @whatever.com will work. I’ve voted different genders and ages, in case they are making decisions based on demographics. The rule is GF #1, BC #14, everything else optional.

  230. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    #206 D.A. Pennington: I’ll have to remember that if I ever sing the Beatles’ “Michelle” in Canada.

    Michelle, Ma Bell?
    My connection isn’t going well,
    Hello? Michelle?

    Michelle, Aw hell!
    Seems the Mutts can vent their struts quite well,
    Quite very well.

    Saturn Boxcar Mule, Saturn Boxcar Mule, Saturn Boxcar Mule.
    That’s all I want to say.
    Until I find a way
    I will say the only words I know that
    You’ll understand.

    FOOBville, is swill.
    Elly’s children are just holding breath,
    Waiting for death.

    I need to, I need to, I need to.
    I need to make you see,
    Mary’s killing spree.
    Until I do I’m hoping you will
    Know what I mean.

    Saturn Boxcar Mule.

    [MARGO] you, [MARGO] you, [MARGO] you.
    I think you know by now
    I’d [MARGO] you ker-POW!
    I’m energy, that’s plain to see,
    and I’m all around. Around you.

    guitar riff

    Michelle? Ma Bell!
    Saints, d’Mutts quit vending butts in Sam!
    Tray butts in Sam!

    I will say the only words I know that
    You’ll understand, my Michelle.

    Saturn Boxcar Mule.

  231. scratch
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Aldomania returns!

  232. No Boxcar, Slylock
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    Delurking here to comment on TDIET. The “flop sweat” doesn’t concern me; lord knows if your paper runs Cathy, it arrives on your porch soggy from her sweatles about four times a week. Also, the writer has a need to put a label on the sweat, but that’s nothing new, as TDIET often looks like a flow chart from the arrows and lines, pointing to the things you are supposed to find humourous, since they clearly wouldn’t jump out at you from the context. I think Al’s Caduto would be happy if he could go back to the Civil War and literally telegraph his punch lines to the readers.

    No, the thing that’s really wrong with the strip is the DIRECTION of the sweat. It’s coming off the guy in one stream, out the back of his head! That is disturbing. Is it deliberate? Is the patient being courteous, and choosing not to get any perspiration on the doctor? Or his word balloon? Could he turn it on or off at will, super-soaking anyone in view of his bald spot?

    Also, today’s Slylock (http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070307&name=Slylock) is worth noting, as that hideous, remorseless, dead-eyed beast, baiting that poor fish with its lure-like tongue, will surely haunt my dreams.

  233. Keath007
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    Did anybody else notice the nice touch in Dilbert today of Wally handing Asok the empty coffee pot? Not essential to the joke but a nice add-on nonetheless.

  234. Ham Gravy
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    I hope that after Mary’s conversation with Ella, she goes home and has a series of troubling dreams about Aldo. Ideally, he would be shouting “oh, no!” as he drowns in a big vat of Wines Liquors.

  235. Keath007
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker is pushing comic strip genre boundaries today with the avant garde panel layout – first we get the straight on view of a heartbroken Abbey but, fearing viewer outrage over missing the pivotal reaction scene from Neddy, artist Eduardo Barreto gives us a circular panel which roughly matches the shape of Neddy’s shocked mouth.

    Yes, with Rachel having seemingly only days left to live, Abbey and Neddy choose to spend that precious time with a shopping trip around Paris. Nice to know priorities are still in place.

  236. The Other Commenter
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    I am unable to determine what TDIET is about, since there’s no “OH, YEAH-H-H” to guide me. Please advise.

  237. PeteMoss
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    JP – I’ve never actually visited Paris. Is it generally this monochromatic? Is it all the cigarette smoking that masks colors?

  238. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    #217 Harold

    I think ribbon candy is more a theoretical candy, since no one I know has actually eaten it. It sits in the candy dish through the holidays for show and is thrown out around February, a fused mass the size of a softball.

  239. cheech wizard
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    224/Dingo : I don’t know your Aunt Judy, but I may have bought her house recently. In which basement room did she keep the calf?

    In all seriousness though, the house I bought does show signs of a severe Plugger infestation. The basement is finished, if you consider paisley wallpaper over warped wood paneling to be finished. It has a very nice fieldstone fireplace, which some Plugger painted white and took me 30 days to strip and restore the damn thing before I moved in.

    But worst of all, the former owner had a cat that had free reign of the place – and after the guy DIED they couldn’t catch it because it kept escaping out the pet door or hiding. So they just kept leaving food and water out for it tor TWO MONTHS while the damn thing freaked out and throughly marked its territory. So I got the place cheap. But I had to rip all the carpet out of the breezeway, part of the basement and de-scent the associated floors, walls and the linoleum in the kitchen. But it’s coming along.

    And oh, yeah – the terlet is wedged in a tiny little space between the shower and the wall. Where the paper holder bumps up against my knee.

  240. Non-Shannon
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    #230 Dingo:
    That’s got to be the most insane song parody I’ve yet read on here.

    …Bravo, sir!

  241. sally
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    I have a confession — even back in the day when I was in a high school marching band and read FW for the band camp behind barbed wire/banned candy/band whatever strips featuring Harry Dinkle, I never figured out which one was Funky. Now that he’s grown up and starring in his own lousy country song, I have even less idea.

    Is Funky in this strip? Which one is he? Who is he talking to? Who the hell is Holly? Cory? Which Winkerbean is Becky married to, or is she Funky’s first wife and kept his name? Anyone? Anyone?

  242. Keath007
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    TDIET – Is that the same kid from yesterday? Same sweater vest and backwards cap – is this some poor orphaned child who is shuttled from home to home in an alternate reality where hell is earth and it’s all recorded for posterity in TDIET?

    Seriously, this cartoon is starting to give me a rash. And a twitch.

  243. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    #208, 211 Poteet

    I have to say, nothing I’ve seen in the many months I’ve been here has shocked me so much as your typo. You need to put that [milk] chocolate down because I think it’s making you cross-eyed. : )

  244. Meanwhile
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    Ella Byrd is going to channel Aldo!

    OMG OMG OMG OMG!

  245. Keath007
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    241 – My FW knowledge is pretty thin but I do know Funky is the one who co-owns the pizzeria with Tony

  246. Harry Worth
    March 7th, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    I think that Ella is going to throw us a curve.

    Ritazilla is going to return and we will find out that she went on a bender in a restaurant and beat her niece to death with fists of rage.

    All that anyone could make out what she was saying was, Swans Swans Swans. Those cursed SWANS. eaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrjhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggghhhhhhh

    Alpo is going to be kept on ice for a later arc.

  247. dimestore lipstick
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    #212, Sish Kabob–
    Per Ribinin, previous entry, comment 121–Dan did have a rebreather.

    And I may be wrong, but this looks a bit too small to be a full-fledged scuba tank:
    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070219&name=Mark_Trail

  248. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    dimestore lipstick, based on the panels in which Dan the Man is only wearing his swimming trunks, I don’t think that scuba tank is the “equipment” to which he’s referring. Rrrrrrrrrrrrr… equipment, indeed. And a mustache to boot!

  249. dimestore lipstick
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    By the way, is anyone else amused by the nomenclature in Mark Trail? Aside from Mark’s own clever pun of a name, we’ve recently had Ranger Rick and Diver Dan as supporting players.

    Just me then? ‘Kay. But what will be next? Mark thwarts Thomas the Tank Engine in his bid to run a railroad through LoFo?

  250. SmartPeopleOnIce
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Hey! It’s raining in FW! Batiuk has a message for y’all…

    [ with apologies to Shirley Manson ]

    I’m only happy when it rains
    I’m only happy when it’s complicated
    And though I know you can’t appreciate it
    I’m only happy when it rains

    You know I love it when the news is bad
    Why it feels so good to feel so sad
    I’m only happy when it rains.

    [ chorus ]
    Pour your misery down
    Pour your misery down on me
    Pour your misery down
    Pour your misery down on me

    I’m only happy when it rains
    It’s like I told that whiny one-armed mother
    Just be thankful that you got a-nother
    I’m only happy when it rains

    I’ll make you pregnant and I’ll give you cancer
    I’ll rips the legs off of a ballet dancer
    I’m only happy when it rains.

    [ repeat chorus ]

    I only smile in the dark
    Just like the time you thought I killed off Walt
    I’ll let him live only to seal the vault
    I’m only happy when it rains

    And Funky loves his stepson oh-so-much
    He’ll love him less after the first bad-touch
    I’m only happy when it rains

    [ repeat chorus ]

    I’m only happy when it rains
    You know that guy who doing band directing?
    He’s gonna need some help with sound detection
    I’m only happy when it rains

    Like flying body parts and flopping guppies
    Like flaming freightcars crushing dead cute puppies
    I’m only happy when it rains

  251. Abbey the Wonderdog
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    So, the police want to take Nikki away.

    June’s best argument is “his meth-head mommy said he could come and play. And clean out my garage.”

    What they need say is that me, Abbey the Wonderdog is there and nothing, and I mean nothing can happen that I can’t take care of.

    Armed and Dangerous drug dealers, dubious fence contractors, sick children, hungry children, children that need me to fly them to the Only Hospital in the Medivac Chopper, etc. Hell, if Plugger moved in, I would have them hanging the toilet paper in two days. And hanging properly too.

    BARK! BARK! BARK!

  252. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    #230 Dingo

    Idiot! (me, not you) I’m reading and thinking “This doesn’t scan; Dingo?” Then I got it. Full BWAHAHAHA! points. We needed that.

    #250 SmartPeopleOnIce

    I don’t know the song, so I made up a tune. BWAHAHA! to that one too.

  253. Foobaphobe
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    The witch Ella will hold a seance at which Aldo will forgive Mary for what she did to him. Ian will scoff, Tobey will cry, but Mary will go forward with her life, with that burden finally lifted from her frail shoulders.
    Either that or Ella is Aldo’s sister, and she’ll mess with Mary’s head in some sick way and convince her to kill herself with a cheese grater, in expiation of her sin.

  254. Foobar
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    228- See the old Miss Manners column to see who would argue about the hanging of toilet paper. (Long story short, it’s her most popular column of all time.)

  255. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 7th, 2007 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    #232 “No Boxcar, Slylock” –

    (1) Great name.

    (2) Points for “Al’s Caduto”. I like that. It’s kinda like “Hilary’s Wank”.

  256. SmartPeopleOnIce
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    Thanks gh!

    Also delurking to comment on Dingo’s #230: Su-poib!

  257. Hogen Mogen
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers are perhaps unfamiliar with the TP dispenser because most of their toilet tanks can be found amongst the weeds in their front yards.

  258. Hogen Mogen
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    253: Foobaphobe: Yeah, that’s what will probably happen, some limp “I forgive you, Mary… now I’m in paradise… ” I’d buy that if it included Aldo’s version of paradise, which would be a description of 72 virgins who look like Mary in a pastoral valley of Milk of Magnesia and Honey where the Johnnie Walker Gold flowed like a mighty river. Or, it would interest me more to hear of some degenerate tale of the deranged lost soul of Aldo raping the sleeping naked body of Mary every night without her waking. Sigh, I guess that’s why no one would offer me a national serial. I’d put the “sin” in “syndicated”. I’d add that I can’t draw, either, but that doesn’t stop anyone from Crock to Gil Thorp.

    Speaking of GT: Did the Wyche residence fall into a sinkhole or what?

  259. Hogen Mogen
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    Batuik: Les must be happy to have his wife’s cancer go into remission. Hey, maybe Funky can come over and complain about his living arrangements. Oh, and I’ll make them have to do some yard work in the rain. Yeah, that’s the ticket! I’ll get Funky back on track to being an abusive alcoholic, too! Yeah! That’ll keep ‘em busy for months!

  260. Flip Corkin
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    (DT)GT: We only recognize Lisa’s pushy mother/assistant volunteer basketball coach/pain in the ass screamer on the sidelines/mutant freak like all the rest because her entire wardrobe consists of hoodies.

  261. PeteMoss
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    (Debt To) Gil Thorp(e), Panel 1. “Meanwhile, in the Penguin’s secret lair…”

  262. Genetic_Mishap
    March 7th, 2007 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    I wonder what unholy fusion of flesh and the diet of your average college student would necessitate a pizzaectomy. My imagination is aflame.

  263. PeteMoss
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    259 HM. Funky use to be an abusive alcoholic? Is there any personal tragedy the strip hasn’t explored? Soon they’ll be smirking their way through white slavery, flesh-eating viruses, mercury poisoning, turrets syndrome, and erectile dysfunction. Or have they already covered those subjects?

  264. Canuckguy
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    Actually, to me the whole hospital room in TDIET looks like a scene right from the glory days of MAD magazine. (In fact, now that I think about it, the artwork usually looks like MAD’s. Pity the humour isn’t even on the same planet … )

  265. gh
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    #249 dimestore lipstick

    Insurance Fraud Inspector Hector?
    Underwater Forensics DNA Tester Lester?
    Ubiquiducks Wrangler Rex?

  266. Zikar
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    You know…I can see it now: Ella, clutching a big frosty can of Ensure, plunging over a cliff. (Oh, no!)

    Now no one has to know what Mary did last summer…

  267. Trotzenbonnie
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    #262 – Gen
    It’s a good thing your imigination is aflame and not inflamed or else that would need an ectomy, too.

    …Ectomies usually involve the surgical removal of something so I’m thinking the pizza must have been shoved into a body cavity and, after an unsuccessful attempt at extricating it, has begun to fester. I processed emergency room invoices for five years so this scenario seems quite plausible.

  268. Daktari
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    #200 – stinky pete – It was interesting to see Prince Valiant among the comics to be voted on. Do you know if the Sunday strip is online at their site? I refuse to get the rag they put out here in Buffalo just so I can read Prince V., and the website for the comic only publishes the first strip of every month.

  269. insolenttomato
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    #250 smartpeopleonice: Bravo! And Shirley Manson no less.

  270. Paperback Rifler
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    #249 dimestore lipstick
    #265 gh

    Beaver Cleaver?

  271. Miss Minerva
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    More information about Diver Dan can be found right here. Just follow the bouncing ball and sing along!

    “The Ballad of Diver Dan” by Jack Sky
    Below in the deep there’s adventure and danger;
    That’s where you’ll find Diver Dan!
    The sights that he sees are surprising and stranger
    Than ever you’ll see on the land!
    He moves among creatures
    Of frightening features:
    Flashing teeth, slashing jaws,
    Flapping fins, snapping claws!
    He protects and he saves
    His friends under the waves;
    That’s where you’ll find Diver Dan!

  272. Genetic_Mishap
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    267- Now that I think about it, a friend of the family had a pizzaectomy when I was young. Of course, back then it was called a “stomach pump.”

    The kid from “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” had a turtle-ectomy.

    Richard Gere had a hamster-ectomy.

    (I know that’s an urban legend, but it’s still funny. Dammit.)

  273. Harry Paratestes
    March 7th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: I look at panel 1 today and think “If only I too lived in a house where the ceilings are covered with 9 million flies, that would be paradise”. Not!

  274. ElSanto
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    You know, the discussion here over the meaning of “cute” had me pondering on the following thought: when a comic strip writer is hipper to the meaning of a slang phrase than you are, is that a sign of old age?

    For the record, I actually thought Josh was right on with his comment. When other people started chiming in that “cute” was meant to be sarcastic, I must of aged like 10 years. It’s kinda like the time you realize that you actually think your parents’ jokes are funny.

  275. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    #271 Miss Minerva -

    Oh my gosh – Diver Dan is an actual thing!

    And from beloved ITC, pre-Thunderbirds. F.A.B.! Thank you!

  276. Trotzenbonnie
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    Yes, Uncle Lumpy, Diver Dan was real. As real as a man in a diver suit standing behind an aquarium talking to fish puppets can be. I watched it in B&W back in 1962. He was my fourth boyfriend, standing in line behind Dondi and Officer Joe Bolton and Sonny Fox.

  277. Harry Paratestes
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    #263 PeteMoss
    Maybe Wally will return from Southwest Asia and be afflicted with all of those things at once. Unexpected mercury poisoning will cause him to have Tourette’s syndrome and erectile dysfunction, which in turn will force One-Arm Becky to sell him into slavery, which will cause him to become horribly deformed by the flesh-eating virus. Through it all he will smirk bravely.

  278. Tats
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Oh, thank God, Ella is finally going to take Mary Worth to task about Aldo. You can’t talk a death away with platitudes and bland teas, MARY.

  279. PeteMoss
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    277, Harry Paratestes, I actually meant, “turrets syndrome,” a condition resulting in small towers, the type often associated with castles, forming on the head and shoulders. However, I suppose Tourette’s syndrome is more common.

    I like your idea, but I don’t see why Wally should get all of those conditions. They should be shared among the others. Also, I’m counting on Wally coming home with some type of STD and, of course, the worst case of post-traumatic stress ever documented.

  280. True Fable
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    I’m not sure about the Plugger bathroom thing. The toilet paper roll holder in my bathrooms are stuck firmly in the very lowest tile row on the wall, that is to say just above the floor, to the right and behind the toilet. This means if I try to reach it, I will topple off my perch because i have to stretch down and around to get it, while squeezing myself between my perch and the sink counter.

    My chiropracter was getting rich every time I tried to not be a Plugger and use the roll holder. I said screw this.

    So yeah, I keep my toilet roll in a little wire basket on the counter. Call me a Plugger, that’s fine. At least I’m not a rhino in an ill-fitting suit.

    MW OH, I hope I hope I hope that Karen Moy found this snarky site and realized what a gold mine she had with Aldo, and now plans to bring in Aldo’s grieving but equally disturbed brother into Mary’s life, stalking her secretly and creepily for a while, while Mary does a red herring meddling in someone’s life. Then Tobey and Ian and that guy with the combover will have mysterious things happen to them, and Dr. Jeff will notice the oddity but will be shot down as usual by Mary.
    I sure hope so. Karen Moy, if you are reading this, PLEASE bring back Aldo in some way, PLEASE don’t let Mary get off the guilt hook, PLEASE bring back Gary Dent to finger-point and raise hell and dance again, PLEASE have some youngish feller come along and flirt with Tobey Cameron, there is nothing better than to have Ian jealously fuming about it (for me to sit back and say, Well what did you expect, Chinbeard? You ain’t no spring chicken pal, and yo little mama is looking to iron out some wrinkles, wink wink nudge)
    Do NOT let Mary forgive herself for Aldo. We don’t.

  281. Tats
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    Also: is it just me, or did Judge Parker take a sudden abrupt turn for the ridiculously tragic today? Abbey has diarrhea of the mouth, too. “Brain cancer” is generally not a bombshell you bust out without a little bit of padding first.

    I think our friends Wilson and Barreto need some mood stabilizers or perhaps a pizzaectomy — the progression of this week’s strips has been insane.

    Monday: menaced by seventies street toughs!
    Tuesday: best day ever! I love you, Mom!
    Wednesday: she’s dying. OF BRAIN CANCER. *dramatic music cue*

    The intertwining cancer patient/beret storylines of 3-G and JP are really throwing me off…

  282. MossMoses
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    Ella has meddling super powers but Mary Worth is still the alpha biddy in Charterstone and she’s going to put that geeky beta biddy in her place. If Ella staged everything to make her look clairvoyant, how does one explain the drowning dreams? Also, since Mary Worth likes her, that makes her a good person since it clearly states in the Charterstone bylaws that friends of Mary Worth are good by Association. With this in mind, Ella is really incapable of “lower truths”. What about Tommy, Clark Gable? Were they nothing more than props? Aldomania 2007 begins now! Where’s the t shirt?

  283. Ipofrigio
    March 7th, 2007 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    Josh, this is just to tell you that you are EXCEEDINGLY good and you are starting to get quite popular in Europe too, I mean, even here in Italy: I myself cannot start my day on the right foot without the comics curmudgeon. Fuckin’ A.

    Thanks a lot!

  284. PeteMoss
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    Maybe the formula for today’s Funky Winkerbean works like this:

    1. One character delivers a straight line.
    2. Another delivers a “punch line” that is no where close to being funny.
    3. The first character comments that this was a failed attempt at humor, maybe in the form of sarcasm.
    4. One of the characters in the last panel smirks.

    This relieves the cartoonist from writing something that’s actually clever while still revealing that the cartoonist is clever enough to recognize that his “gag” is not actually funny. Batiuk could recycle the formula over and over.

    A- “If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the talcum.”
    B- “Nice work, Henny Youngman.”

    A- “He’s doing the backstroke.”
    B- “Shut your pie hole.”

    A- “That’s why it’s called TWOS-day.”
    B- “Please die now.”

  285. Caged Tygre
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    Some Hank Ketcham stuff.

  286. Islamorada Girl
    March 7th, 2007 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    Aldo appears like Hamlet’s Father’s Ghost on the turret.
    “AVENGE ME, ELLA! AVENGE ME!”

    Maybe someone will pour hot lead into Mary’s ear?

  287. Pendragon
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    Let’s see — almost 300 comments. Time to make mine and end this thread. I have better luck at this than Old Fogeyette.

    Trotzenbonnie – were you from the New York metro area? I thought Joe Bolton and Sonny Fox were indigenous to WNEW along with Sandy Becker.

  288. Red Greenback
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    #203-Allie Cat-Wow!, you made me remember an incident in Holland a few years back. I was visiting some friends in Ro-town, and while we were walking around town, my friend Jolanda went into a candy shop and purchased this mackin’ bag of that ammonia-flavored stuff. She says, “try some of this candy, I grew up on this”. Well I figured, you know..Dutch…candy…how can one go wrong?…Oh..My…God! fortunately, the shit was jawbreaker consintency, so I didn’t absorb much before I spit it into the street. To add insult to injury, Jo said “You Pussy!”

  289. reader-who-posts
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    284 – TWOS-a-day?

  290. winky
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    i can say i’m old enough to remember when funky winkerbean first graced the comics pages. it must be over 30 years ago, because i was in high school at the time, and i recall bemusedly scanning the strip looking for something to laff at. i never did find anything to laff at, but it was harmless enough… at least it was a teenager in the comic section, a novelty in and of itself. then i forgot about it for 30 years until i stumbled upon this asylum. the guy never could write a joke so it’s no surprise that he still can’t.. but i can’t believe how depressing and gloomy the strip has become. this guy batiuk is desperately crying out for help… there needs to be an intervention!

  291. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    #290 winky -

    Tom Batiuk – YOU BETTER NOT!

  292. Pendragon
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    #288 – Licorice. Rock hard, smells like ammonia, tastes funny, would rather spit it out than swallow it.

    Emergency — calling Dr. Dingo — we have a joke in search of a punchline.

  293. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    Dios mio, Pendragon! That one is just too obvious!

  294. Trotzenbonnie
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    #287 – Pendragon
    Born and reared in Poughkeepsie NY. WWOR, WNEW & WPIX. Kiner’s Korner Kountry. Chiller Theater. Million Dollar Movie – saw “Caged” every night for five nights in a row when I was seven hence my aversion to bald women. Curse you, Batiuk! What’s it to you?

  295. Red Greenback
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    #292- Dont forget “Mackin’ bag”

  296. Red Greenback
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    #294-Trotzenbonnie-I was born in Laguna Beach, but I’ve never been “reared” there. Take it away, Dingo!

  297. Trotzenbonnie
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    Pendragon –
    Holy crap! Sandy Becker. I’m having a flashback! Hambone and the Big Professor. Thank you for the hippocampus hiccup!

  298. Pendragon
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    #294 – Trotzenbonnie – Being of a certain age, I was surprised to learn that other places in the country didn’t have seven VHF broadcast channels.

    #293 – Dingo – I was just thinking you would have written something far funnier than I did with those ingredients. You are the Master Chef of Snark.

  299. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    Oh, gosh, Red Greenback. I don’t know whether to take it away or not. I was almost fired today from that $100 job. The head of my department read a letter sent to her over the phone to me this afternoon. Monday night, a student did a good job on a project and I shook his hand. He wrote a letter to the department stating that I asked to hold his hand and that he considered it sexual harrassment. I’ve always used the word “rear” because you rear children and raise cattle. That’d probably get me arrested (that phrase).

  300. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    300

    A number, a movie, a weight.

  301. Red Greenback
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    Sorry to get y’all all prurient and shit.
    Anyway, doesn’t that Plugger toilet seem a bit small for the average bear?

  302. another Josh
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    I’m confused about Pluggers. The only time I ever remember a conversation about “whether toilet paper sheets should hang down from the front or the back of the roll” was on Mama’s Family. Either I’ve misunderstood Pluggers or Mama’s Family. And I’m in grad school. Oh, my.

  303. Pendragon
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    New thread alert, people. See, I have the magic touch.

    Sorry for the problem on your job, Dingo. I wish they paid for snark. I would be in bad shape but you would be wealthy. May your real world be as rich as your virtual one.

  304. another Josh
    March 7th, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    My word–was Jean Baudrillard Captain America?

  305. Red Greenback
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    Dingo-Sorry man, that was a cheap attempt at being humorous. I had a really hard…(scratch that, wrong word)…difficult day today, and I come…(oh, man!) here to blow…(Damn!)… release the pressures in my day-to-day world. I love you all!

  306. DocForbin
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    HA, HA, HA! THAT FUNKY WINKERBEAN STRIP WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! :-)

    You can just tell from this strip they’re setting things up for a very hilarous plotline where Funky divorces Holly, then that bitch Cindy Summers sues Funky for more alimony at the insistence of her new boyfriend–a hunky anchorman at the network. As a result, Funky loses Montoni’s, then falls off the wagon. then he goes drunk driving and drives off a cliff, with the car blowing up upon impact, killing Funky. Then, at the funeral, there’ll be a heavy rain that causes a mudslide and the minister and all of Funky’s friends fall into the grave.

    AND IT’LL ALL BE FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! :-)

    Meanwhile, what does that asshole Bill Hinds think is so funny in Cleats, that comic strip the Glens Falls [NY] Post-Star Editor-in-Chief Ken Tingley replaced Funky Winkerbean with at the insistence of his bratty eight-year-old son? A VERY UNFUNNY joke about “bunny hills”, sledding and hot chocolate. All the kids in Cleats are brats because all kids who play soccer are brats, espeically that dumb brat Abby and that Daria wanna-be Edith.

    How many times do I have to say this?

    NOBODY IN THIS COUNTRY CARES ABOUT SOCCER!!!!!!!!! IT’S A DULL, BORING SPORT WHERE YOU’RE LUCKY IF ANYONE SCORES AT ALL DURING IT!!!!!!!!!!

    I want Funky Winkerbean back in the Post-Star now, or else I’ll suffer withdrawal symptons and get cranky and yell at customers at my print shop. Only Funky Winkerbean can give me the Schadenfreude high that helps me deal with that fricking hell hole of a print shop I work for.

    DEATH TO CLEATS!!!!!!!!!!

    LONG LIVE FUNKY WINKERBEAN!!!!!!!!!!

    BRING BACK FUNKY WINKERBEAN TO THE GLENS FALLS [NY] POST-STAR NOW!!!!!!!!!!

  307. Dingo
    March 7th, 2007 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Red, I know EXACTLY what you mean. And if they paid for snark, there’re a lot of persons on here whom I believe should be paid scads of money. SCADS!

  308. stinky pete
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    268 Daktari – sorry to be late in responding. My First Life™ has been more time consuming than usual lately. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch web site is odd in that only 4 of the featured comics actually appear in the paper; Prince Valiant does not appear on Sundays.

  309. Poteet
    March 7th, 2007 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    # 191 — Yes, Mike, that would help. But I don’t think we’ll be so lucky.

    # 221 — Andreavis, I agree with you about the sophisticated palate. I’ve been arguing with my palate, but it just pouts and says dark chocolate and coffee taste yucky. At least it doesn’t like Koolaid.

    # 243 — Thanks for the intervention, gh. You’re right — I really must cut down. How embarrassing…

  310. I am Tinas Reticular Formation
    March 8th, 2007 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    TJ, TJ, TJ.

    I think this is going to a very dark place.

    “You wanna make sure Toni can never leave you again, Brad?”

  311. Air Forbes
    March 8th, 2007 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    Aw, Dingo, you have my sympathies. Last week one of my coworkers went to my boss and claimed I said I something I have never said; that I wouldn’t support the people in a particular office (IT stuff). This, even though I have knocked myself out for all of these people. Not to mention the named witnesses to this comment don’t remember it happening, either. You ever been accused of a crime you didn’t commit? At least I’m in good company.

  312. Doodee
    January 31st, 2008 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Thanks for sharing

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