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No time to waste! Here’s this week’s top comment!

“I don’t get Gil Thorp in my daily paper (I don’t get it in a broader sense either), but I love the idea of this deranged coot with his clothes on inside out and backwards popping out of nowhere to offer vaguely obscene batting advice.” –Motorposus

It was awful tricky to pick just one comment this week: as you can see, I had an embarrassment of riches to work with:

“Just out of curiosity, how many weeks has it been since Deanna has actually had a line? Mr. Buns is a more well-rounded character with a much larger impact on the storyline than St. Mike’s baby-machine. There are guys in the Taliban with more demonstrative wives.” –Mr. Coffee Nerves

“Nothing, oh nothing makes Margo happy, does it? She’s running on cocaine, caffeine, and pure unadulterated paranoia and jealousy.” –calico

“Rex has to ‘stall Hugh.’ I’m sure he’ll find a way. Maybe involving an actual stall. (It’s clear that was a ‘butt sex in a men’s bathroom’ joke, right? Right? Okay.)” –Laura

“To be fair to Mark, in his everyday experience he probably recognizes and distinguishes animals of the same species by subtle but distinct markings that are generally fixed. A coloration pattern on a deer probably will not change completely in a short period of time. Indeed, in his experience most people don’t even change their clothing. I’m just surprised he’s not conducting his observations from some sort of mobile duck blind.” –Harold

“I am on the edge of my seat!!! Will Abbey and Neddy escape their assailants?! Who is the mystery man approaching??? Oh, wow, I guess I could sit back a little. Yeah, that’s more comfortable.” –Maughta

“Maybe I should start reading Gil Thorp so I can know what everyone is talking about. Of course, it used to be, ‘Maybe I should start reading Mark Trail so I can know what everyone is talking about.’ And before that, Mary Worth. It’s a slippery slope.” –Lizardmess

“I look forward to hearing more home-spun, medication-induced, clambaked wisdom from this confused, elfin stereotype.” –PeteMoss

“Yep, now we’ve progressed from incest to murder. I think I’ll refrain from asking ‘What’s next?’, seeing that this is where we ended up after the rounds of plaintive querying following Band Leader 2: The Deafening, or Chemo 9: This Used to be My Playground, or … you get the picture.” –SecretMargo

“(DT)GT will now gives us all a history lesson steeped in lessons Jackie Robinson taught us. Well, in the first panel anyway. The second will have some boygirl swinging at a pitch and the final panel will have Coach Thorp talking about the golf team.” –Jim Thorp(e)

“Sam’s reaction makes perfect sense assuming he’s learned anything at all about Margo in his time on the job. Margo MARRIED? Margo IN LOVE? Margo SMILING CUTELY? Margo WITHOUT CAKED BLOOD UNDER ANY FINGERNAILS? It boggles the throwaway assistant’s mind!” –T Campbell

“So Michael will be able to spend his nights in the same bed in which many years ago he was created. Therapy begins in 3..2..1…” –man behind the curtain

“I’m afraid that Margo has been reading The Secret. By emoting positive thoughts regarding marriage, she believes that Eric will propose. Margo, Margo, Margo. You’ll be lucky if his check covering the party doesn’t bounce.” –Dingo

“Looking at the shape of Margo’s hand in panel 3 and the bobble lines surrounding it, I have come to the conclusion that she is threatening her assistant by a pantomime of waving a gun at him. ‘That’s right, married! Question me again and I will end you!'” –Spoony Bard

“Do you think that Margo’s pique over being mistaken for the help has anything to do with her refusal to address her assistant unless she is dismissively talking to him over her shoulder as she moves on to something worthy of her time?” –ugarte

“You know, we haven’t known Sam long but I’m pulling for him and Margo to hook up. Yep, I’m a Sargo Shipper. The look of terror and confusion is really just longing and sadness over the fact that as much as he loves her she doesn’t seem to notice him. He wants to express his love for her but he can’t find the words. But every time he shakes for no reason he means ‘I love you.’ It’s a crazy world but I think these two kids have a chance. Besides, I long to see what great event planning skills they’d bring to their wedding. Pinecone centerpieces? A large banner reading ‘Margo Loves Married?'” –Missy

“Dan’s major mistake? It’s foolishly adding more hair to hide himself from Mark. Anyone who knows Mark Trail knows that facial hair will bring his suspicion and punches faster than a beaver out of a trap. Dan would have been better off shaving himself from head to toe.” –evie oh oh

“Like all Canadians, Cedric isn’t nervous when he shoots someone. He’s just frightfully polite and self-effacingly apologetic about it.” –Trilobite

“I’m also pretty sure [Toni]’s screwing with him in a major way; if so, Toni has suddenly become the most awesomest character in the strip. From Toni Daytona: Unobtainable Fantasy Cipher to Toni Daytona: Heinous Sadistic Bitch: She Will Cut You, Tiffany.” –Captain Thunder

“This entry confirms what I’ve long suspected: TDIET is Seinfeld for rageaholics.” –Hobbes Fan

“Here’s the thing that disturbs me: People [Lu Ann] lives with day in and day out have been ignoring her this whole time, or intending to drop in on her but change their mind at the last minute due to shiny objects or in Margo’s case, horniness.” –True Fable

“‘… my thoughts are so tangled … lights are flashing before my eyes … floor is moving beneath my feet.’ Lu Ann, dear, I do believe you’re having yourself an orgasm. Congratulations! Just don’t tell Margo. Naturally, she’s under the impression that she’s the only person on the planet that’s experienced this thing. And she wouldn’t understand that it doesn’t usually involve blood and other people’s tears.” –lesles

“Today’s FBOFW is stupid. Yes, it’s always stupid, but today’s is stupid without any stupidity that pokes its head up above the horizon to have its hat shot off. There’s no stupidity prominence; it’s stupid to the flat, vast horizon. Like an Oklahoma of stupid.” –Kate

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Hey, everybody, I’m guest-blogging over at Wonkette this week, where I’m expected to be on from 9 to 5 (it’s almost like having a real job!) so I’ll probably be posting pretty late in the evening for the next few days. But to tide you over, here’s some awesome pics of awesome readers! First off, here’s faithful reader American Idle, sporting his Gail Martin shirt at the Antiques Roadshow in Spokane:

And here’s faithful reader Calico, showing her M!B!S! pride at La Féte de la Nouvelle France in Québec City, in front of the Québec Parliament building:

Sadly, American Idle did not spot any fellow Curmudgeon readers, and Calico did not spot Thérèse.

Finally, here’s a disturbing note I received from faithful reader Vince:

So I was watching the 1971 classic film Vanishing Point today, and I was surprised to see the Rock and Roll Carole King making an appearance as one of the faith healers … Looking at the original Gail, there’s no way this is a coincidence.

Readers, I leave this to you judgement:

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Hey all! Sunday comics coming Monday, probably, but I didn’t want to let the sun go down on the weekend without giving big ups to the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I have found that less housekeeping leads to fewer people coming over which leads to more time with Comics Curmudgeon. I expect this cycle to repeat beautifully until I am forcibly removed from my home for, say, 72 hours, and then given a case manager who won’t understand my goals.” –Squid Countess

And the longer-than-usual but still super funny runners up:

Referring to Crock: “Why does it take two people to create that strip? One to not-write and one to not-draw?” –Victor Von

“Why does everyone expect every crime to be resolved by Spider-Man? What happened to L.A.’s trust in its police force? I mean … they’re being terrorized by the Shocker. The Shocker.” –Some dude

“Drew: hauling her (un)romantically down by the splintery old docks that he uses to take his countless conquests — last names unimportant and long since forgotten — and pick up smuggled drug drops. You can almost hear the old salty dockhand saying, ‘Thar be Dr. Feelgood, and Dawn, or Sally, or whoever. Snicker.’ Vera: throwing herself clumsily at Drew like a broken bat at Mike Piazza, torturing herself with heels, but not thinking enough of the date to bother to take her damn hair out of that damn ponytail, slipping out of the shoes in a symbolic hint of all she will take off for Drew if he’ll just catch her when … oops. Ugh. How can the stars allow themselves twinkle on these two awful people?” –Edgy DC

“TJ has been replaced by Justin Timberlake playing Charlie Brown wearing a costume tailored by Blanche Devereaux. It is both the gayest and least gay thing I’ve ever seen.” –SecretMargo

“Dr. Joe Kelly and Mr. Gary Walker are not rivals for our plaintive angel of the bedpan; their awkward reaction in front of La Belle Nightingale is due to their last meeting in the ‘sling room’ of the local fetish emporium. Joe was strapped in and Gary was constructing a solution for the Doctor’s package. It is the memory of their lusty passion which makes Joe stammer. Tommie, as we all know, exists solely as a sexually dampening force: she is the cold wave which crashes on the shore as the walruses thrash and couple.” –Halifaxer

“Today, both Marvin and Foob are excellent examples of why NOT to have children. I should cut those strips out today and paste them in my packet of birth control pills.” –Kiesha

“Why does Liz keep insisting that she and Assthony are just ‘friends’??? All they do is suck face. I don’t make out with my friends nearly that much, and they’re 100,000 times more attractive and interesting than Assthony.” –Whippersnapper

“Tommie: ‘So the nerdy computer geek also volunteers for a theater company? Oooh, studly! I’d better make a move before all the other ladies see him … What a man!’ Gary: ‘They told me this Axe Body Spray would really work, but I didn’t believe them. Thanks, Unilever Corporation!'” –BigTed

“The way Tommie has been swinging her head from Joe to Gary to Joe this week can only foreshadow one thing: time for these gents to double-team Tommie! Oh, yeah. Query: Is it a bona fide three-way if deux of the trois are facsimiles of each other? Could this the first doppel-gang-bang?” –JamesinMaine

“On another note, The Shocker continues to be my favorite supervillian EVER! His quilted-soft costume in LA Laker colors, his practice-in-the-mirror posturing … But I have to wonder how he gets around. Does he take a cab? The subway? And if so, is he in costume? How does he escape? If he’s being pursued by police and he uses his vibro-shocker thingees, does he trigger the airbag on the car he’s driving? ‘Never heard of The Shocker, eh? Perhaps THIS will CLICK BANG OW! WHAT THE FCRASH!’” –willethompson

“In theory, this storyline could evolve into a complex discussion about ecological services, hydrological functions, modern retail and transportation patterns, and political and cultural attempts to reach societal compromises on difficult issues. Instead, it will be about baby ducks and punching.” –Poteet

“Now, now; give [Thérèse] a break. She might have hoped that the moustache would serve as a noise baffle to muffle the sound of his inane conversations.” –True Fable

“Meanwhile, Drew looks at his cellphone in abject horror, as if Dawn will appear through the receiver at any time to bust him for his reckless thoughtcrimes of endlessly screwing the world’s most boring marketing researcher.” –Calico

“Whoa, Candace got piercings AND a tattoo that can apparently be easily covered by a t-shirt and pants?! She’s hardcore to the maxxx!” –GG

“Is the Shocker waiting for a taxi, or what? Seriously, this is like the first rule of robbing a bank: if you didn’t bring your own vehicle, don’t steal more than you can carry.” –Francis

“Contract shenanigans in Judge Parker make as much sense as boardroom shenanigans in Rex Morgan. I wish these people were real so I could bilk them.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Why does Tommie always lean away from people? Is it the garlic burgers the cafeteria serves? Is she far-sighted? Fear of intimacy? One leg shorter than the other?” –gh

“Why would Anthony be digging Thérèse’s grave right next to the effing house? I’m no expert, but aren’t you supposed to be, ya know, stealthy about a thing like that? I do love the way Thérèse stands in the background, giving off a visible aura of city-hankering, while Anthony digs furiously in the foreground. ‘So, you wanna go to the city, huh? Oh, you’re going, alright. Only the city you’re going to is called Wormville!!!'” –BlinkAndItsOver

“That’s the most exciting thing that’s happened all freaking year in Spider-Man! The best part is that Spider-Man wasn’t around to dull it up.” –Inspector Dim

Also! Mad graphic artist genius and faithful reader willethompson has DONE IT AGAIN!!! And by “it” I mean “created a hilarious comics-themed graphic for you to purchase on at the Comics Curmudgeon CafePress store.” Check it out!

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I round out a day of multiposting blogging with the long-awaited comment of the week! This time with crucial formatting!

“I see that Judge Parker has made the artistic decision to tell us the thrilling tale of Steve’s war injury with people sitting in coffee shops and offices. If only there was more effective way to picture the event that no doubt earned Steve a Purple Heart. That immediacy could really draw the reader in.” –Master Mahan

And the runners-up (ever-hilarious):

“Dr. Drew may be a skilled young doctor and dashing playboy, but his internal monologues are strictly third-rate Mills & Boon. I can picture him standing over a patient in the operating room and thinking, ‘He has a broken heart … JUST LIKE ME!’, complete with his trademarked arm flaps. Next stop: the Santa Royale Institute for the Criminally Melodramatic.” –Mooncattie

“An ‘official’ prison break. Thank goodness. Those guys could’ve been sanctioned by the APBA.” –Weaselboy

“The Marmaduke family lives in a house with a door and a corner. And nothing else.” –Cody

“Of course Barfy is dead. You see that smile? That’s the unmistakable bliss of escaping those violent religious cretins for good. No living thing in the Keane Compound smiles like that unless it’s part of the regime.” –avatarjk137

“Sciatica jokes are crap. Now, gout humor, that’s where the action is.” –Grover Cleveland

“The sheer number of times Margo has been mentioned the past two weeks, juxtaposed with her comparatively small amount of face time and her increasingly dictatorial style, leads me to believe that our Ms. Magee is finally ascending to the level of Big Brother-esque tyrannical ubiquity to which she’s been aspiring for so long. One can only hope the strip continues to parallel 1984 in other ways and Tommie’s face is eaten off by rats.” –Tats

“Mary Worth: I got to give the old bag her props. She knows that ‘closure’ is a word that means ‘I’m going to rub your face in it until you whimper.’ Vera got her revenge. Drew is totally closured.” –Gabacho

“A date with Mary and Jeff: Sit. Stare at nothing in particular. Sit some more. Have some coffee. Fart on couch. Stare some more. Keep sitting. Hope someone in distress comes through the door so Madame Worth can do what she does best and break the tedium.” –Calico

“For a minute, I actually felt bad for Marvin, having to sit there between two old men griping about how the world isn’t the way it was when they were young, too small and weak to even walk away. But then I remembered that this is Marvin, and Marvin, and he always deserves it.” –Mac

“Have you ever thought about what it would look like if you ate straight out of the mixed Jelly Belly bin at the candy store until satisfaction passed through satiation and gave way to oversaturation and ultimately, inevitably, disrumination? You haven’t? It would look like that fucking shirt.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Drew, skiing in St. Moritz or sailing in the Caribbean sound fun. Incredibly fun! Which is why I couldn’t possibly let you do either one of them. Human enjoyment is anathema to me!” –BigTed

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Before we launch into our comments of the week, I have some charming photos for of Comics Curmudgeon merch being worn overseas! Faithful reader Mooncattie (himself from Canada, which sort of counts as overseas, if you consider Lake Ontario to be a “sea”) journeyed to Germany with Comics Curmudgeon t-shirts in tow! Check it out:

“The Gail Martin shirt photo was taken at a LOUD Berlin dance party about 3 a.m.,” Mooncattie reports. “In the background on the decks is legendary Berlin techno queen Marusha. The photo of me in my Cassandra Cat shirt offering a toast to all Curmudgeons comes from the Chinese Tower beer garden in Munich!”

Back here in America, it’s once again time for this week’s top comment:

“Where’s Mary? It’s like these guys just went on auto-meddle.” –T. Chicana

And the runners-up:

“Oh, look at Mark’s face in the last panel. This stupid, pointless plan is tearing him up inside. ‘I told myself I would not cry, fellow, and yet there is evidence of it on my cheeks! Please do not tell Rusty, if you ever see him again, which you probably will not.'” –Vakar

“Crime-fighting and the flu don’t mix? Tell that to Vomit Man!” –Beatrice

“I kept trying to figure out who Rick and Ron reminded me of until it finally hit: my testicles after a long, hot bath.” –Dingo

“‘I am Samira, daughter of Abul Hakim! And you are Steven Shannon … murderer of my father!’ ‘Okay, now that we’ve finished with the introductions, why don’t we go around the room and everyone find something nice to say about each other. Steven? Why don’t you go first.’ ‘Um, I like your wrist watch, Samira. Is that from Zales?'” –gh

“Well, this is nice, but I was kind of hoping Steve’s mom had keeled over in her wheelchair. Against a dramatic background highlighting the spartan furnishings of their home, Gloria would rush to comfort Steve as he collapsed against the overturned wheelchair. Pushing aside Grandma’s spindly, misshapen legs, Gloria would pin Steve’s hands at his sides with her muscular thighs and bear down on his chest with her even more massive chest until they both collapsed amid a tangle of thrashing limbs. Finally, his will and resolve in tatters, Steve would against-all-odds lurch to his feet, creakily at first and then with more conviction, gather Gloria in his arms, step over the lifeless body of his mother, and carry Gloria upstairs to the ravishing she so clearly has been angling for. But a terrorist is OK, too.” –trey le parc

“Throughout the years I’ve given to reading Ziggy, I’ve never really expected a payoff. I just considered it one of those acts of mild daily masochism to which we are all so prone. I was clearly mistaken, in that today’s installment is, at the risk of sounding hyperbolic, roughly the single awesomest thing ever. It’s unfortunate, but probably not coincidental, that the point at which Ziggy’s author has finally grasped the concept of making an actual funny joke is also the point at which he appears to have reached the apex of irreversible suicidal depression.” –Violet

“Frankly, I wanted more sibling fistfights in the intensive care unit before they finally made up and their mom woke up from her coma. Way to raise QUITTERS, Mrs. Amalfi!” –Trilobite

“And say what you will about Samira (‘Racial stereotype.’ ‘Elektra Complex.’ ‘You’re soaking in it now!’), she’s got a good heart. Sure, she’s gagged Granny, duct-taped her to her wheelchair, and wired her with enough explosives to take out a city block or two — but at least she’s put her shawl back over her bony old shoulders. I mean, the woman’s a hundred and three! Just because she’s terrified, unable to breathe, and festering in a pool of her own feces, she shouldn’t have to catch a chill.” –boojum

“What’s especially upsetting here is that Alan’s mouth is open, but in his reflection it’s not. Is it possible that his drug binges have in fact severed his psyche from his body, creating two distinct beings who will argue with each other about the location of their ‘dope’ which they will then smoke from their ‘pipe?’ Or perhaps some kind of Patty Duke Show hilarity will ensue. Either way, it promises to be boring.” –Nate

“I think when Alan is referring to his ‘bag of dope,’ he’s actually talking about Lu Ann.” –Calico

“I like how panel 2 of Spider-Man is just Vulture rewording what he said in panel 1. He was planning on saying, ‘Should you have any items on your person that other people might willingly pay money to possess, hold it in your hand over my bag and let go. The force of gravity will do the rest,’ but instead he got tackled by a cop.” –Raznor

“Wow, I guess the Philadelphia Eagles mascot has fallen on hard times.” –Jnoble

“Gee, Lois. How hard is it to be a poet? It doesn’t take a lot of time to write a poem. There once was a man named Hi/ A corporate tool of a guy/ He met a young poet/ And before you know it/ They were married and living a lie. That took, like, two minutes.” –Mac

“Today’s FOOB is foobier than usual, if that’s possible.” –Pastramigod

“What struck me first about Lois’s Past of Unfulfilled Dreams is that at each stage — from princess, to punk rocker, to poet, to corporate sell-out — she never once changed her hairstyle. Perhaps she knew deep down that each phase of these ambitions were really just a lie she was telling herself as she prepared for a life of domestic drudgery. Her hair was a way for her to ‘keep it real, yo.'” –Kevin Moore

“Lois finally admits that she never really wanted to be a mother; she just sucked at everything else.” –cheech wizard

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Comment of the week in a moment, but first, a major announcement. Today, July 28, 2008, will go down in history as The Day Ces Marciuliano Finally Got Off His Ass And Relaunched Medium Large! Yes, the beloved Webcomic is back on its own site, with (we hope) regular updates, as well as separate pages for beloved characters such as Teenage Girl President, TODD and Son, and Victorian Era Superhero!

I first made Ces’s Internet acquaintance when someone forwarded me a particularly trenchant Medium Large that featured one of the B.C. cast of characters saying the word “fucking.” I quickly went from “Ha ha, this is a hilarious spoof of B.C.!” to “Holy crap, the guy who writes Sally Forth made a hilarious spoof of B.C.!” I wish a long life to the strip’s new incarnation.

And now, without further ado: COTW, y’all!

“Maybe the names ‘Ass Cabin,’ ‘Tushy Trawler’ and ‘Drunken Derilick’s Dinghy’ were already taken.” –PeteMoss, on how the Bum Boat got its name

And runners-up:

“Does Dagwood realize that the tub is so full that if he got in it would overflow? Doesn’t Dithers knock before he enters a bathroom? Apparently the Archimedes Principle has taken a vacation with the laws of common decency.” –Hogenmogen

“Today’s strip looks like a clip art image of Mary was pasted against Jeff’s shoulder at a weird angle. This is more horrifying that it sounds, since it implies that Mary Worth clip art may actually exist somewhere.” –AhClem

“I really like how Mary Worth glared at us today while dispensing her timeless nuggets of wisdom, by which I mean I developed an eating disorder after Mary Worth glared at us today while dispensing her timeless nuggets of wisdom.” –Gerund

“I just feel bad for the folks that might be searching for this blog now thinking ‘Rex Morgan fans? I love that strip too!’ And by ‘feel bad’ I mean I wish I could see their faces as they read the entries. ’Specially the genitalia one.” –shnazzer

“I think Jeff and Mary have, consciously or not, begun a platitude-to-the-death competition. Who will win? Or are there ever winners in such a God-forsaken battle of bon mots?” –bats :[

“As with the Tin Man, Mary’s joints need a serious oiling, unlike Jeff’s hair.” –Calico

“While ol’ Mare and Jeff continue their flowery turdering upon the English language in an effort to express feelings that they can neither understand nor appreciate, it’s important to seek out one glimmer of substance as reassurance that the precious seconds required to read each day’s strip were not spent in vain. For me, today’s salvation is the hope that we are not looking at a neon sign above the restaurant entrance, but rather are listening to an employee whose job it is, from opening time to the moment the last fish-shaped lamp is switched off, to announce the eatery by screaming as loudly as possible ‘BUM BOAT!!! BUM BOAT!!! BUM BOAT!!!’” –Mooncattie

“I think Mary is talking in code about hermaphrodites. She’s so cool. And fucking weird.” –Mr. Barkie

“I was about to remark on the ooky ‘tender bud’ stuff when I was distracted by the extreme hideousness of Mary’s shirt. Then I was about to say something about how Mary’s taste in clothes is second in ookiness only to her taste in metaphors when I realized I once dated a 29-year-old man who wore exactly the same outfit Jeff is wearing, and he liked seafood too. Now I’m going to go drown myself in gin.” –Echo

“If Margo was a FOOB she’d be thought-ballooning ‘A ring! The token that says “I’m going to rip his head off and ram my ovipositor down his throat”!'” –GotFuzzy

“I think it’s kind of sweet how Les uses memories of his dead wife as a sexual lubricant with his best friend’s ex. Love, exciting and new!” –Tom the Pirate

“Young, old, pretty, ugly, fat, thin, rich, poor — I think sex is fun and natural and doesn’t belong exclusively to any demographic. But given a choice, I’d rather hear Margo Magee talk about it than Mary Worth. Mostly because I think Margo probably has angry, angry sex, and says things with finger quotes. ‘Yes’! That’s ‘it’!” –Old School Allie Cat

“The Family Circus has made millions and is beloved by millions, and the Keanes did this by consistently steering clear of so-called ‘jokes.’ You think they’re going to start using them now?” –Mac

“Family Circus: I wish Angela Lansbury would stop checking the recipe and just bake those kids into pies, already.” –RaJ

“Today’s Momma has convinced me that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who hormonally free-associate and see sex in an innocent four panels of man passionately kissing his mother, and those incapable of doing so. Right now, I wish I were in the latter group. A lot.” –Vakar

“Who wouldn’t be excited about going to South Dakota? In the Apartment 3-G universe, that’s where they rounded up the minorities and put them in camps.” –Master Mahan

“I’m looking forward to Lu Ann on the ranch. Sitting on her Shetland pony, official Dale Evans cowgirl hat with the string fixed tightly under her chin, a shiny new South Dakota commemorative quarter in her hand, she searches for the slot to put it in to make the pony go, while the lonesome wind whistles through the vast empty landscape between her ears.” –gh

“Am I the only one starting to really envy Mary’s lifestyle? Here we all are, toiling away at jobs like chumps, while she spends her Monday relaxing over a delicious plate of mustard at a restaurant so fancy each table gets its own fez, while Toby helpfully explains to her what medicine is.” –Violet

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Oh, there’s always something to go with your COTW post, now isn’t there? This week, we have a fabulous report from another Comics Curmudgeon get-together, this one featuring a visitor all the way from JAPAN! Crazy! I’ll let faithful reader willethompson tell the tale…

John Shelton Reed said “Every time I look at Atlanta I see what a quarter million Confederate soldiers died to prevent.” He said that BEFORE I-85 went to 12 lanes (permanently under repair) all the way to Lawrenceville. But I braved it all to see True Fable, Squid Countess, Trotzenbonnie, and ChattyGenes and her puppets.

From left: ChattyGenes (visiting from Japan!), Squid Countess, willethompson (standing), True Fable, Trotzenbonnie

The Old Spaghetti Factory is located on Ponce de Leon, a street that was the center of a down-at-the-heels (aka Southern Bohemian) neighborhood that is being gentrified as the Bank of America tower glowers down on it. OSF is one of those places that manufactures atmosphere, or at least buys it by the truckload. Brass and tulip-shaped light fixtures fight with a faux streetcar for your visual attention in large, noisy rooms.

I wandered in about 12:30 and met TF and his boys (two INCREDIBLY nice young men) helping CG set up the puppet show in a corner of a downstairs room. Knowing that TF couldn’t drink, I was perhaps cruel in fetching a locally-brewed Sweetwater 420 but it was not without incident. An unattended bar? In ATLANTA? On a Saturday afternoon?? If he knew who I had to fuck to get that beer, I think he’d forgive me.

Trotz arrived next, with her sheepdog Miss Mollie (looking stunning in a pink ribbon) and Mr. T (looking stunning in a green T-shirt) who excused themselves to sample the pleasures of Piedmont Park. Squiddy was delayed by construction on I-75 (see: John Shelton Reed above), so we ate as ChattyGenes looked on, not wanting a load of pasta to interfere with her performance energy.

And yes, she fought the background noise of a teenage girl’s birthday party to deliver a sublime 50-minute puppet show with five featured characters (and two backup sheep) tailored to a very select audience (Hey, gh! She had you! And Big Sims, too!). AND she brought presents for all!! AND AND even some of the birthday party attendees came over to watch!!! Take a hike, Cyndi Lauper, we gotcher performance art right HERE!

All in all, a fine time was had by all in placing faces with screen names. As TF said, it was like CC but in real time. The only downside was a waitstaff that couldn’t seem to remember that TF’s boys had ordered Cokes. In Atlanta? Gotalmightdamn, they squeeze the stuff fresh daily just down the street!! What, they had transported it all to Beijing to fight the air pollution???

There are few things that tickle me more than knowing that the humble Website I churn out in my pajamas at odd ours of night has brought people together in real life who otherwise would never have met! Don’t forget that you can arrange your very own meetup on the Comics Curmudgeon Forums!

Also of note from my in-box this week was this find from faithful reader Matt K. in Brooklyn, who has solved a mystery that has been bedeviling the DeGroot parents: where their boarder gets his money. “I saw this ad while flipping through the latest Timeout NY and immediately thought of TJ. Classy job.”

And finally, for everyone who was despairing that Captain Thunder’s brilliant Dennis the Menace-based Regency pastiche had run out of steam — fear not! The Luck of Dennis St. Michel, Viscount Stokington is back, and better than ever!

And with that out of the way, it’s finally — finally! — time for your comment of the week.

“What does John think a ‘simple wedding’ means? Boxers and a trucker hat? Sorry but YOU STILL HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES.” –psychobiddy

And your tasty runners up!

“It’s interesting how the folks in Gasoline Alley use two different meanings for the word ‘parts’ in succeeding sentences. That’s what happens when your entire strip only has a hundred-word vocabulary.” –BigTed

“Now at Six Flags: The Mary Worth Roller Coaster! They strap you in and the cars just sit there for all eternity.” –Calico says

“We all know that Toni’s getting it, but clearly not from Brad. I’m surprised Brad doesn’t wear his black concert t-shirt from the ‘Monsters of Abstinence’ tour.” –trey le parc

“A Southern teacher should, however, definitely know better than to wear blackface into the classroom. Her attempts to appear old enough to remember when minstrel shows were not considered offensive will not save her from community ire — unless, of course, the community is made up entirely of pubescent boys. In that case she can basically wear a Klan hood, as long as the costume doesn’t extend below her neck.” –Bad at Net Handles

“Judging by the beady-eyed look of horror from the concessions worker, I think the ‘gold’ in question is a reference to the several inches of liquid butter at the bottom of the bucket, which this plugger bear is shown pawing at, reminiscent of Winnie the Pooh gorging himself on a pot of honey. The difference of course being that Pooh died from complications due to his type II diabetes. Plugger bear here, though he likely suffers from hypoglycemia if not full-blown diabetes, is probably going to go out from a massive coronary during the movie.” –Colinski

“I think we all know how Marmaduke described himself.” –Gold-Digging Nanny

“So is Mary Worth always like this: picking an interesting issue, building up to it by way of weeks of intense boredom, and then ending without any kind of interesting climax whatsoever? It’s like digging for treasure and finding only my own grave.” –Amanda

“I guess since pain and human suffering are timeless it doesn’t really matter when FW occurs.” –CortJstr, on the chronological implications of Funky Winkerbeans timejump

“I see Michael married a gal just like the gal that married dear old dad: an impatient rageaholic.” –Hank

“While I appreciate The Vulture taking the trouble to explain to me exactly what’s going on, that does tend to take the edge off the dramatic sense of fear.” –Poteet

“Dear God, what life must Toeby have had before meeting Ian that the purchase of a documentary would cause such excitement? I’m almost afraid of the day she gets a library card.” –Dingo

“The craziest thing about this Mark Trail is how plausible it is. I totally believe that Mark would give this long dissertation about fleas aloud in a stentorian voice when his only ‘audience’ consists of his dog and some terrified squirrels.” –Joe Blevins

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I hope you will have a little patience before we get to this week’s COTW. I’ve been meaning for some time to share with you a fascinating item I received in the mail from faithful reader loudfan, and have only today gotten around to making some scans of. Behold, the glory and majesty of Mark Trail’s ® Book Of Animals (North American Mammals)!

The book was published in 1955 and written by Ed Dodd, Jack Elrod’s predecessor at the helm of all things Trail. It’s essentially like a Sunday strip, in book form, with Mark only making a single cameo appearance on the title page:

He sure looks pleased, doesn’t he? I wonder what’s in that pipe.

Anyway, the book contains lots of information on — and pretty nice black and white drawings of — animals (North American mammals). Here’s an example, selected particularly for faithful reader and goat fan True Fable:

As you can see, Mark Trail has never been shy about proclaiming the hard truths in life, using boldface to blow tiny little minds everywhere with information about the mountain goat’s non-goat status.

Humans are actually pretty scarce in the pages of this book, but this appearance of an elderly foppish cowboy is particularly amusing:

Wait, are there people who seriously accuse mountain lions of cowardice just because they don’t want to get shot? Who on earth could this page be defending their reputation from?

Maybe from wolverines, who, when confronted with the incursion of armed humans into their territory, respond not by skulking deeper into the woods, mountain lion-style, but by arming themselves. WOLVERINES!

Finally, you can see that this feature’s fascination with dog vs. raccoon fights has deep roots:

Oh, and Mark, maybe raccoons wash their food because dirty food is gross. This page tells me more than I ever wanted to know about dinnertime at the Trail household.

In totally unrelated news, here’s a tidbit from faithful reader RaJ:

I apologize for bringing this to your attention. I do it only because I thought it might shed some light on the obviously troubled Keane family. It’s a picture of Jeff, in hideous drag, pummeling some poor man to death.

If that linked sentence entices you, you’ll want to click forward to the 11th picture in the gallery (there’s no way to link to it directly, which is probably just as well).

And now! At long last! The comment of the week!

“Reeky regularly watches COPS; it’s like Facebook for his kind.” –gnemec

And the runners-up! Also funny!

“I’m fastidious enough to be a little concerned about Luann spilling her glass of soda in panel 3, but I suppose it’ll just end up mixed into the big puddle of Brad’s insecurity that’s already sloshing around the linoleum.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Dagwood’s candidate is Lyndon LaRouche, who will have lunch with anyone. I assume Dagwood was buying.” –Jana C.H.

“My god, when did Mary Worth become the abode of the undead? Mary, the funeral make-up still fresh on her face, gazes blankly as Jeff vainly struggles to remember the taste of food. Soon they will lurch out into the sunlight, their unsolicited advice an ungodly gurgle in their throats, forcing Toby to shotgun them both.” –Idols of Mud

“Watching a sailboat race: boring. Watching boring people who are watching a sailboat race: thrilling excitement, Rex Morgan Style!!!” –ring around the collar

“I think that by making a sailboat race part of the plot, Rex Morgan, M.D., has joined the worldwide hunt for something less interesting than Rex Morgan, M.D. I wouldn’t be surprised if this week ends with Rex explaining the difference between different types of knots and how that knowledge helped him win.” –ESJ

“The best thing about today’s Mary Worth is how the colorist gave up on filling in half the background. It’s as if he thought, ‘Eh, who needs green trees or a colored table cloth when Mary Worth’s just going to suck the life out of them anyway?'” –kelsy

“The seemingly metal pizza pan bothers me. Is Thel trying to set her house on fire? Actually … she probably is. I would if I were her.” –Angry Kem

“Mark knows that women are only interested in one thing; he just doesn’t know what it is.” –boojum

“Daddy Keane has thrown himself diagonally across the bed, burying his face in a pillow in the classic posture of one overwhelmed by grief. I wish I knew what tragic event in the Keane household brought this on. So I could imagine it happening, over and over again in my mind.” –Joe Btfsplk

“I know you all have been hating on Big Time as something of an underwhelming villain, and not without reason. But today’s strip shows that he’s not just a large man who likes clocks. He’s a criminal mastermind! Parking the truck near, but not too near the rear door of the museum? Genius! Because if the truck were too far away, then they’d have to carry the loot all the way to the truck, which would take longer. But if the truck’s too close, then they couldn’t get the door open. It’s thinking through details like this that make Big Time a foe to be reckoned with.” –Spunde

“I like that Peter Parker is a regular ‘Joe Six-Pack/Plumber’ like me. Not at all like that elitist Jamaal who uses a ‘bed’ to sleep.” –Red Greenback

“Uh, Peter, if you’re losing consciousness and gripping your left arm, you aren’t falling asleep, you’re having a heart attack. So much for spidey sense.” –Bribaby

“Perhaps at some point she hobbled him a là the film Misery.” –Calico, on why Dr. Jeff now has a cane

“If Margo’s talking tears, they’re someone else’s, brought on by their sweet, sweet humiliation.” –willethompson

“I’m not an avid enough reader of Gil Thorp to know who Dr. Wally Lamb is but I assume he’s the strip’s resident mad scientist based on (A) the fact that he’s wearing a lab coat and glasses, and (B) in panel 2 he appears to have shrunk himself to about 6 inches tall. Judging by the total lack of surprise on his wife’s face, this happens all the time.” –Rachel K

“Luann is steadily becoming a race to see which couple will not have sex first.” –Anonymous

“Don’t hold your breath for diversity in this comic. There aren’t even any characters with brown eyes.” –Charlene, on the prospects of a gay character in Mary Worth

“Of course pluggers don’t have flowers. They can barely care for themselves.” –tj

Unlike the mountain lions, many were brave enough to put money in my tip jar! And our advertisers are as formidable as a wolverine:

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CsOTW momentarily, but first, a couple of notes. I don’t usually read the Sunday Archie because I can’t be bothered to hunt out the non-King Features comics on Sunday, but apparently last month’s in-strip AJGLU-3000 reference was not to be the last, as this panel demonstrates:

Oh vain AJGLU-3000! You try to convince us that you are a sleek, modern laptop, when we all know you look something like this:

Also! You have just one more day left to vote in the 2008 Worthy Awards, put together by faithful reader Wanders! Help reward and punish the best and worst Mary Worth comics of 2008!

And now, your comment of the week!

“I will never get tired of the kerchiefs on all of Lu Ann’s relatives. I can only assume that they dress alike just in case they accidentally get separated in a crowd.” –Sheila Sternwell

And the runners-up! SUPER FUNNY!

“‘I know what Eric wants … but I dread the very thought of it!’ What, does he want to get on top?” –Pozzo

“The joke in Barney Google — about how nobody at a book-club meeting has actually read the book — has already been made by every more upscale comic strip in existence. The only things that make this one different are the parts you don’t see: Instead of sipping white wine, they’re passing around a jug of corn whiskey marked with three X’s — and instead of a book recommended by Oprah, they’re reading a novelization of The Beverly Hillbillies carved into a slab of wood with a pocket knife.” –BigTed

“I like Old Mary better than New Mary. She’s slightly pudgier and doesn’t look as if she’s about to suck her nose right back into the nasal cavity, then swallow it.” –Angry Kem

“I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on in these so-called cliffhangers: Margo is deeply shaken by a message referencing a conversation Eric had with a friend in which he asserted that Margo’s roommates really should be invited to the wedding; Rana has not seen the cheerleading notice (which by the way merely announces that the entire squad has contracted cheerleading cancer), she just read Pluggers; and Patty really didn’t have a problem in the first place, she was just supposed to keep Cherry occupied while the police searched for Rusty’s body. Meanwhile, in today’s Mary Worth, ‘Frank Griffin continues to explain his behavior’ may be the most self-aware narration box I’ve ever seen.” –Violet

“I can’t believe it took four people to write an hour-long Snuffy Smith film. I’d like to examine those timesheets carefully.” –Joe Blevins

“Lots of folks have been wondering where the hell Rusty is, lately. What do you think that old man is serving on that platter? Pancakes?” –LITTLE A. WITH THE CRYSTAL BALL WHO HAS NEVER WON THE LOTTERY

“Cherry’s eyes are flesh colored. WHAT th’??!! Actually, almost everything in panel two is flesh colored. The walls, the curtains, the pancakes. The picture. Doc’s hair. Their flesh. EWWWW.” –Lisa

“Something has gone horribly — and I mean Gil Thorp-level horribly — wrong with Rex’s cheekbones.” –Master Softheart

“By the way, what color is that drape? Pinkish flesh colored drapes SCREAM bachelor … or serial killer with a penchant for skinning his victims for lampshades, pancakes, drapes, etc.” –OKStan

“Whatever, you do, man-bird behind the counter, do not answer the wizard bird’s question — because then he will know all the answers to all of life’s riddles — you are our last line of defense against this fiend acquiring this keystone of information that will make him all knowing — and therefore all powerful — in short, he will become a GOD — a wrathful, angry, escaped-mental-patient GOD. Save us — withhold all your knowledge of trans-dimensional automobile related ordinances!” –Bobdog of the Jungle Patrol, Not an Elephant

“Cody’d better watch it, man. Lu Ann is not the innocent little prairie flower she once was. I imagine in any extended exchange, Lu Ann will soon be showing her true, Big-City Sophisticate colors: ‘So, what do you do for fun around these parts nowadays? Hey, SLOW DOWN, pal! My LAST boyfriend was a DRUG FIEND who got SHOT DOWN in a JUNKIE BRAWL! I like what you’ve done with your neckerchief — it’s awesomely kicky! STEP OFF OR I SHIV YOU, DOOD!! Dad’ll be home any time now. YOU GOTTA FIX? MOMMA NEEDS TO SPARKLE!!!’” –mojo

“I love how in Apartment 3-G, characters are defined by an accessory and vaguely different hair colour. ‘A cowboy, huh? We’ll put him in a Paul Lynde neckerchief and call it a day!'” –Phoebe

“Lu Ann’s words say she’s getting used to being home alone. Her expression says she’s getting used to drawing the carving knife across the sharpening steel — slowly, methodically, purposefully, hour after hour, as the light in the kitchen passes imperceptibly from late-afternoon gold through twilight blue to pitch black.” –Spunde

“Speaking as a hardy Midwesterner, I can tell you that there is precious little dignity to be found here. Unless by ‘dignity’ you mean ‘Outback Steakhouse,’ and by ‘too much’ you mean ‘one on every corner.’ In that case, yes, we have that.” –Meanwhile

“I’m an East Coast guy so cannot say for sure, but I think the fact that all men in South Dakota apparently wear bandanas around their necks would make me want to choke many of them, with their own fine neckwear.” –AMSTERDANG

“With Frank and Lynn’s embrace, Mary’s meddling will be complete, a singularity will open up between them to swallow the whole earth, leaving only Mary’s giant, undying head slowly revolving around the Sun, gazing unblinkingly outward into the deeps of space, unceasingly searching the stars for other civilizations whose petty (dare I say, ‘human’?) faults can only be corrected through absolute annihilation.” –Comrade Denny

“I don’t really think that’s an ‘Aha!’ gesture. It looks more like Billy is programming an invisible microwave. He’s reliving that glorious moment earlier this day when he heated up his soup.” –Laura c

“Billy’s got that look on his face that shows that, at long last, he understands. He gets it! He reaches! Yes, he’s finally figured out which end of that pencil to use. There’s no stopping him now. Watch out for Billy, world!” –Muffaroo

“Also, I see that the vomit-worthy tendency of the FC kids to use ‘adorable’ malapropisms has spread to their parents. Maybe they all have brain damage. I mean … uh … ‘rain cabbage.’ HA HA HA” –Canaduck

“Next up, Sophie presents a dry cleaning bill for $100 and brings some ‘special’ brownies for the cheerleading squad. Hilarity then ensues, esp. when they try to form a human pyramid.” –Calico

“Jeffy CAN SO go to college! Probably as a cadaver, or maybe a security guard.” –trey le parc

“See? Lu Ann’s so boring, we’ve returned to New York, where Tommie’s date was so boring it was skipped altogether. Apartment 3-G: where you never have to see a thing.” –True Fable

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Hi all! Just one item of note for you this week before I launch into the COTW: A faithful reader sent me a link to a funny Zits-related blog, Better Zits. For everyone who loves Zits, or hates it!

And now, this week’s top comic:

“Things you don’t want to hear your girlfriend say: ‘Someone found love on the Internet? Sounds interesting! Tell me more!’ Unless of course your girlfriend is Mary Worth. Then you present her with a long list of URLs and hope for the best.” –Amateur

And the many hilarious runners up!

“Patti’s revenge will be hiding Ken’s razor blade. Facial hair is like a duck call for fists.” –Mischief Maker

“I’ve written a haiku about today’s Momma: Momma and her son/ Slathering diaper ointment/ Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf.” –Matmaduke

“I’ve heard enough about getting off on Tommie’s feet, Gary! That will DO! Though … I must say I’m curious how there could be a ‘wrong’ one?” –migellito

“Actually, I’m fairly certain that Bryce’s ‘You’re all about to get a lot better’ is merely the preamble to his speech about the benefits of performance enhancing drugs.” –AbbeyRoad

“Wow, Mary is quite aggressively looking everywhere but at Jeff, and I mean even more so than is standard for Mary Worth interlocutors. I think we all know what that means. I’m pretty sure Jeff does, too, and is hastily changing the subject because he knows if he pursues it it will inevitably lead to tears, recriminations, angry newspaper-brandishing, missed Bum Boat appointments, increasingly groveling answering-machine messages to which Mary is hilariously indifferent, and his final dignity-immolating resignation to the fact that he is Mary’s very last choice, and will jump at whatever scraps of pallid affection she grudgingly allots him. I for one applaud his decision, but I think mainly out of self-interest.” –Violet

“Foolish Gary! Don’t you know you can’t turn a ho into a housewife? (‘Ho’ being short for ‘wHOlly uninteresting character in a serialized comic strip.’)” –Joe Blevins

“Elrod has boxed himself in now. All I can see upcoming is either a zombie deer, or venison chili. Either of which will frighten the children and faint of heart. But I am neither, and to see that deer lumbering around at midnight craving human brains to eat will do this old heart good. Or alternatively, a good venison chili recipe will also be appreciated.” –Jumper

“9CL: I could watch this plot for the rest of my life. And, you know, it might just take that long.” –Crow T Robot

“I think the real reason Oedipus poked his eyes out was that he knew, someday, there would be something like Momma inspired by what he’d done, and on the off chance it happened during his lifetime, he wanted to make damn sure he wouldn’t have to look at it.” –Winky’s Spleen

“Judge Parker, reclining and legs apart, urges his colleague to take some cash ‘for handling my deal.’ This has nothing to do with publishing a book, does it, Your Honour?” –Mooncattie

“Why, with half the advance money, I could buy a full-sized bottle of beer, rather than make do with this bottle of Tabasco Sauce I keep refilling with with Schlitz.” –Lettuce

“Actually, Gary is doing the right thing. Just as oil and water don’t mix, he knows not to risk getting Tommie involved with information that might be interesting to some people.” –Rhekarid

“Given that the computer system Gary’s working on is in the hospital, I’m guessing the ‘sensitive information’ he’s privy to has something to do with Tommie and a stubborn rash.” –BigTed

“I can see why Patty is so distraught. Bucky has a scratch on his head! And is all alone! In the woods! At night! On the other hand, we are talking about a fucking deer, right?” –AMSTERDANG

“Last week it was an argyle sweater with electric blue Homer Simpson pants and now it’s a mint green blazer? Why is it that all the men in Mary Worth have to dress like the awkward white people from an early ’90s rap video?” –bitter law student

“All I can say about Pluggers is thank god the waitress wasn’t a cow. Or a shrimp. Were that the case, pure mayhem might have ensued. Of course, for Pluggers, mayhem would be a big step up from its current soul-crushing despondency.” –Jeff Soesbe (yeff)

“Marty Moon tells us, ‘Bryce Larkin gets a big hand as he takes his seat.’ Well d’uh — everyone in Gil Thorp gets a big hand.” –seismic-2

“‘Internet dating sometimes yields a suspect gathering of prospects.’ Did I read that? Or am I on acid?” –Monkeyhawk

“You’re a great lay, Tommie, but you’re not HIPAA violation great.” –Kelvin the Clown

“I wish Adrian had met her boyfriend in a normal place, like a bar or schoolyard!” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Boy, forget about the new Internet boyfriend! It’s Dr. JEFF I’d be worried about. That pose in the last panel has ‘psychopathic dismembering loony tunes’ written all over it. Even the usually unflappable Mary is watching him in the rear view mirror, timing her leap out of the moving car. Right now she’s reminding herself, ‘Tuck and roll, Mary … tuck and roll.'” –mojo

“Dolly isn’t referring to her Valentine hearts, but rather to her own seven misshapen hearts. What, you think a human can have a head shaped like that?” –Dagger

“Chip and Jerry found some 40-year-old blotter acid in the guitar case Hi had forgotten all about. It’s the only explanation for why Chip is trying to play a stringless guitar and Jerry is reading a 1978 issue of Cosmopolitan.” –Islamorada Girl

“Given the way he talks, Ted Confey is clearly some sort of time-traveling dandy from the nineteenth century. Fortunately for him, he’s landed amongst Mary Worth and co., so the displacement from his own era will seem negligible.” –Digger

“It disturbs me that none of you have put two and two together, looked at Ted Confey’s mustache, and determined that he’s going to be the next Mark Trail villain. Evidently he’s going to take the ‘only woman in the world’ and put her on some sort of wildlife preserve where she can run free as the only one of her species. Mark will then punch him.” –Aitherion

“Shoe needs a Spiderman-style narration box at the end of this strip: ‘Confused?! We’re making some changes to the world of Shoe! Not only are they vaguely birds, now they casually eat lightbulbs!!! It’s going to be awesome!'” –teddytoad

“Hey, Judge Parker literally said ‘You’re the new Judge Parker!’ to his son, confirming what we’ve known for … a decade. Maybe longer. Perhaps in a couple of years they’ll admit that their world is populated by an uncanny amount of young women with huge breasts.” –Sheila Sternwell

“I like the huge crucifix on the swearing-in Bible — presumably just to remind people that yes, it’s a Bible, and not simply the yellow pages or a Sears catalog.” –Calico

“That Confey is not only a cad, but a bounder. You mark my words. [Later:] I apologize for my strong language above. But I’d say the same to that ruffian’s face, if I only had the chance. [Later still:] In the thread to Sunday’s posting, I spoke harshly of this Confey fellow. I might as well confess that my own daughter was once the victim of a low villain such as he. It was before the days of the Internet — but even then, the same genius of cruelty, deception, and greed was at work in the world, as it has been, indeed, since the snake in the Garden first worked his insinuations on the tender mind of Eve. My daughter’s betrayer was an aerobics instructor, a respected profession in those days, and no one could have suspected that while he was firming the innocent behinds of America’s youth, he had quite other plans in mind. I won’t burden you all with the whole sordid tale; I’ll only say that when the television’s on late at night, and I see those haggard young women trying desperately to smile as they grimly ply their tawdry little fitness machines, I think of my daughter, and wonder if we’ll ever speak again, in this world or the next. I wish every day that we’d had a wise friend like Mary Worth.” –Morten

“I had no idea The Nation had a geography-focused offshoot. But it does sound fascinating, which explains why people are gathering outside the restaurant and asking questions through the window.” –ratnerstar

On Adrian Corey’s paramour: “Most likely, he’s the sort of man that delights in calling into port, wooing a young lady without prospects, and then making her overcome with the vapors at his worldly lusts. And then, while she is still swooned, he makes off with her jewelry and steals away, leaving only a scent of exotic cologne and a cloud of shame that leaves the young woman unmarriable. You better hurry, Mary, lest he hop the next zeppelin to Prussia and escape your meddling wrath.” –LightningDuke

“It will be an HONOR to use it! Get it? Honor? OH COME ON, I ALMOST NEVER TRY TO BE FUNNY! SOMEONE LAUGH BEFORE I START BASHING SKULLS WITH THIS GAVEL!” –Roto13

“I salute the individual who, faced with a pitch-black New York night, expresses his contempt for the darkness by honking his car horn religiously. Godspeed, sir.” –Lithros

“‘I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe!’ Ted said and let the bait hang, carefully watching Mary’s expression from the corner of his eye. Or would she? he wondered. Did she have any idea what he had found, deep in the depths of the blood-soaked Aztech temple? Did she suspect he had seen the carvings, the drawings that showed a woman leaning towards the king and suggesting that if he sacrificed a thousand captured prisoners the sun would not go out and perhaps his wife would love him again? Did she know what he knew about her past, the long, twisted influence she had stretched across dynasties and empires through the centuries? Ted swallowed another bite to keep up appearances. My, he thought with surprise, the shrimp scampi was good.” –Black Drazon

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Your COTW coming in a moment, but first: were any of you at the Bust Craftacular craft show in New York City the weekend of the 5th and 6th? And did you notice a certain attractive young lady helping out one of her friends who was one of the vendors? And did you notice a certain dashing young man who was married to said attractive young lady, and who stopped by for a visit? Well, as this blurry but endearing cell-phone photo demonstrates, faithful readers Anna (aka Mary Kay Commando) and Jess certainly did!

The lesson here, folks, is to take advantage of those rare occasions when I emerge blinking from my dank underground lair, and come up and say hi if you spot me! You will be immortalized on the Internet, forever! Jess and Anna were charming and it was great talking to them.

And with that out of the way, here is your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“It’s okay, Mark! My body can no longer feel pain! And my spirit … my spirit is free!” –ChrisV82

And the runners-up! Just as Wilbur and his bastard spawn dominated last week, so Mark and Rusty’s adventures were on your minds this week.

“Today’s Mark Trail has me grabbing a bag of popcorn and a copy of the tide tables.” –NoahSnark

“I was going to say that pelicans probably don’t sit up in trees. But first I Google-Image-Searched ‘pelican in a tree’, and look at that, they do. Then I realized that I had been tricked into learning about nature. Verrrrry tricky, Mr. Elrod. Well played, sir.” –Just some guy

“Speaking of Judge Parker, we note that Miss Sanchez did not remain seated for long. She probably needed to stand up in order to breathe.” –Fashion Police

“They say that when a loved one is in peril such as being trapped under a vehicle, a parent can summon the strength of 10 men. Mark can’t because he simply doesn’t love Rusty enough. And who could blame him?” –gagott68

“Minutes will seem epochs until we finally get to see Wilbur’s college hair.” –Gump Worsley

“Rusty, we passed an old life insurance agency a little way back … I’m going to run back there and help your loved ones.” –Stroker Ace

“Well, if people are going to believe that a ‘dog’ knocked the car onto Rusty, and that a boy would name that dog ‘Sassy,’ surely they’ll believe whatever Mark tells them about the aftermath of the ‘accident.'” –Steve S

“Perhaps it’s just because Rusty looks almost human (by the artistic standards of the strip) in panel 1, but this storyline seems rather hilariously, nightmarishly cruel, with more and more ludicrously over-the-top evils befalling a hapless deformed dwarf while a high functioning autistic man stands around and tries to help in logically consistent but idiotic and completely ineffectual ways.” –Master Softheart

“All of Mark’s actions seem so dim, but maybe he’s just trying to let the Law of Nature play itself out with no interference. The deer that jumped in front of the car lived, so Rusty must die. Nature is like that, harsh but beautiful, much like June Morgan.” –Mardou Fox

“After spending half the day looking for her vacuum, Aunt May stared into the middle distance, wondering when the Alzheimer’s would finally take her.” –kittyloop

“If the size of modern comic strips weren’t so small, Brook’s tatas wouldn’t have needed to have been pushed up into her throat to fit in the panel.” –doug rogers

“Yes, that’s right, a vacuum cleaner! And it’s going to be lights out for you, Sandman, just as soon as I find a … just as soon as I plug it into a … nearby … Oh goddamn it Spidey, come on. You can do this.” –Bryan Bryan

“So here I am trying to make a joke about the fact that both Summer and Pete seem to have the same haircut when I realize that hers reflects light and his soaks it up like a black hole. I like to believe that he’s covering self-induced early greys with permanent marker, foreshadowing the ritz and glamour of Chez Pete, where Summer Jr. will be messily conceived. God I love this comic.” –Black Drazon

“I can’t understand why the store in Mark Trail would be closed. Ample parking, great location … what’s the problem?” –survivor

“Wait, didn’t Rusty get pinned under the car because of a jack that was used on the sand? So now Mark is going to use ANOTHER jack to save him? I so very much hope this is going to be an endless loop of a car being raised and smashed down on Rusty while Mark smashes in more and more automotive store windows in the hopes that THIS jack will save his young protege.” –Patrick

“That box on the plugger’s TV is probably one of those new-fangled digital converter doohickeys the gummint is trying to force us all to buy if we don’t want to throw away our perfectly good black-and-white TVs darnit like when they told us stereo was better for music but all music today is already too loud and those kids I don’t know why they dress like such hooligans it’s gotten so you can’t go out anywhere they got these rappers now.” –Kibo

“So my favorite thing about today’s Ziggy is that it assumes we’re culturally illiterate. Do we really need a labeled chair to tell us that the fat man with a white beard and a funny costume is Santa? The whole over-labeling thing makes me think the comic is going to be turned into a political cartoon and Ziggy will have to wear a shirt that says ‘the broken and castrated American spirit’ at all times.” –GG

“Me talking to my grandkids in 2055: ‘Yup! December 12 was the day Mark Trail became an anarchist. It was Saturday and it was beautiful.'” –Edgy DC

“It looks like Cherry got Mark a second shirt for Christmas. Oh, and it matches all her pink polo shirts. Now they can be twinsies! Or at least they could, if they ever spent any time together.” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses

“I just assumed Mark was acting out a scene from the 1989 classic Do the Right Thing as part of an ongoing Spike Lee retrospective. Next week is Malcom X week, when we’ll hear some stunning oratories about how we didn’t land on Lost Forest; Lost Forest landed on us.” –Dan

“Cherry, I know you’re my animal, and I know you need to be loved! I promise I won’t return you to the shelter, at least for now!” –Calico

“‘And believe me, pets need a great deal of attention!’ says Mark Trail, as he throws his Saint Bernard’s ginormous turd into the fireplace.” –Disingenuous Penguin

“By the way, this is Mark’s second concussion in a month, so the NFL will make him sit out the next game.” –mr 12 oz can

“There’s not much that could come after ‘June is not amused…’ which wouldn’t make me nod quietly and think ‘No, she sure wouldn’t be amused by that, would she? No sir!’ I mean, I can’t think of anything, really.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Your top comments are coming shortly, everyone, but there are some ITEMS to enjoy first! We begin with an EXCITING NEW BLOG PROJECT brought to you by Rifftrax writer Conor Lastowka and yours truly. It’s called “[Citation Needed]” and it consists of hilariously bad prose culled from Wikipedia and other wikis. It’s updated when we feel like it, more or less daily, sometimes several times a day (depending on how much time either or both of us spending “doing research”) and you’ll read it and you’ll love it. Check it out!

Also! Faithful reader Mr.??? has pointed me in the direction of the University of Nebraska’s Government Comics Collection. Find out what foul propaganda Big Government has forced your favorite comics characters to spout! Highlights include Rex Morgan talking to you about your unborn child, Dennis the Menace learning how to kill with poison, Mark Trail fighting to save America’s waters, and Dagwood taking out his workplace frustrations on his family. Don’t miss ’em!

And now, ladies and gentlemen … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“If you look carefully at Zig’s triangle, it’s clear he’s wearing a thong. He is taking baby steps towards pants-wearing — sexy, tiny baby steps.” –Crankenstank

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I remember when I first laid eyes on her. I had been traveling with the Ringling Brothers Side Show as the World’s Most Boring College Student to make a few bucks. The previous Woman with the World’s Longest Neck had just met an untimely and somewhat grisly end in what would become known throughout the circus world as the Ceiling Fan Incident of 1973. Try as we might, we could never make it work. When it ended I actually thought about taking my own life. Sometimes even now I think back and get despondent. But then, I pick myself up, look around and see that I am with you Dawn, here at Charterstone and realize that suicide would just be redundant.” –Uncle Ritzy Fritz

“Is it just me, or is Wilbur actually attempting to retreat into his sweater as if it were a shell?” –Dragon of Life

“OK, I caught the anachronistic phone, desk lamp, and semi-anachronistic file cabinets, but somehow I totally missed that the desk has no computer! This is like a game, really. ‘Spot the 6 differences between this panel and the present.’ Can I count the haircut?” –MaryAnnTheRest

“The presence of the suit can only mean that this ‘Tim Moore’ fellow has a puppy to give away.” –Drew Funk

“I find myself tickled when strip pretends we care about anything than Mark punching things, especially make-believe things like Mark’s popularity.” –Josharella

“I’m curious just how lax the traffic officers or insane the drivers are in order for a pile-up, multiple cars full of commuters slamming end-on-end in one huge orgy of terror and steel, to occur in what sounds like an intersection downtown, where in most cities its impossible to crawl through at 20 miles an hour on a good day. Or why the carpoolers care, as they are currently miles away on a nearly abandoned suburb road heading away from the city. It can’t be because they give a damn about the heartbreak and loss of life. These are the same people who regularly watch goofy-hair there regularly collide with his postman, and presumably laugh and laugh.” –Taquelli

“Is the angle and placement of Leroy’s fork indicative that this encounter is a prelude to another angry session of Lockhorn lovemaking, with Loretta marching off to the bedroom part of the foreplay? Or is sometimes a fork just a fork?” –R and CT

“I just don’t want to share you with anyone else, which is why I’ve taken a firm hold of your face with my teeth.” –TruthOfAngels

“I’m enjoying an audio fantasy of what those 20 words of Mark Trail-ian dialogue sound like through those grimly mashed lips: ‘Iwowaneyemwowwy, wubiswubahdoo!’ ‘Awuswonwannashwahoowihannywonelsh!'” –Mighty Max King

“Well, of course, Wilbur’s schedule for the remainder of this week is completely booked with sandwich + computer + lustful nostalgic daydreaming. Next week is the earliest possible available time for fishing.” –Fountain Mountain Dew

“No, I hate both of you. I mean, ‘fishing.'” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“It’s as if, by pointing to his own eye, Odie hopes to say, ‘Guess what’s even less subtle than winking.'” –JohnsonDelegate

“Is the wife even in a dressing room? The shocked look on that plugger’s face makes me think it is a very, very public place, or that she has mistaken the sitting area near the dressing room as the dressing room. ‘Hurry … Please! The Mall Security is coming!'” –Jackuul

“Oh, come now, we all know lady pluggers don’t have their own credit cards! That’s why Mr. Plugger has to be there, to pay for whatever his wife decides to purchase (with a heavy sigh and a comical roll of the eyes toward heaven, no doubt). There’s nothing in that purse but crumpled-up tissues, a lipstick and a compact, and the latest issue of Women’s Day.” –Mollie

“And let’s not forget the General’s red, irritated, inflamed anus.” –Calico

“I think it says something profound about comics that crazy Bobbie from A3G is holding up a whole page full of swatches of colors and they’re all the exact same shade of yellow.” –Andy L

“You can learn a lot about a man based on the hat he chooses to wear fishing. However, in Kurt’s case, the bridesmaid white pumps tell me that all is not right here.” –Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™

“The desert in Crock is bright yellow because it’s pure sulfur, as they are in Hell.” –DeGroot of All Evil

“I swear to God, if Kurt’s next line is something about how sometimes he doesn’t feel ‘fresh,’ I’m punching this strip in the face.” –Ringo Beaumont III

“‘An uneasy restlessness’ = ‘No matter how well I hide the bodies, someone eventually finds them.'” –TheDiva

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bone Magic: A new Fae tale from New York Times bestselling author Yasmine Galenorn. Summoned to the Otherworld thinking she’ll be reunited with her long-lost lover, Camile D’Artigo finds that she must participate in a drastic ritual that will change her forever.
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Completing my Monday evening lightning round blogging, I give you your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Lu Ann is trying to decide if kidnapping Margo’s fiancé, tying him up in the closet, and faking his death in Asia counts as ‘boyfriend stealing.’ Give her a moment.” –Black Drazon

And the almost-as-hilarious runners up!

“This can only end with Sassy trapped in a well.” –Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™

“Glad to see that Herb and Jamaal made that vital leap from AOL to Hotmail, proving that they are always at least five years behind the most popular Internet program. Can’t wait until the 2015 version of the strip that tells us to visit the Herb and Jamaal Facebook page.” –Taquelli

“Come on, there is no way Lu Ann would be able to refrain from verbalizing her every thought, Spider-Man style.” –Steve S

“Wait, come back! You didn’t pay your bill!” –Calico

Re: Spider-Man: “The fact that the [comic book] is pretty good only serves to make newspaper Spider-Man worse. It’s a bit like if they made the New Testament into a newspaper strip, and it was Ziggy.” –Push Trot

“As a dog owner, I know that the best way to deal with a runaway dog is to stand in the doorway and try to reason with it.” –Iconoclast

“Luann’s mother clearly needs to be blitzed out of her mind to deal with her daughter in any way, shape, or form. This makes her the closest thing in the strip to an audience surrogate.” –Dragon of Life

“Why would anyone tell a young person, ‘Why do you feel the need to be romantic toward anyone?’ Maybe because I’m fueled by raging hormones, you lifeless, spirit-crushing robot. Her track goes somewhere: straight into the void where her soul should be.” –Joike

“Only in the world of Jack Elrod does one find a vet so dispassionate that he merely comments on a pup’s sure death as the collar-less stray runs off into Big City traffic. Mark’s next Sunday InfoStrip nugget: ‘Many veterinarians are avid taxidermists!'” –Bennui

“You’re a plugger if you think diabetes is a myth invented by lettuce farmers.” –mustang

“I wouldn’t be so sure that Bonnie has her shopping habit under control, considering that she just stopped to purchase a liter of blood.” –BigTed

“And I have good news about Ernie! He died in a car crash near the Aldo Memorial Crevasse while he was fleeing our loveless marriage! I can shop all I want, now!” –Snuggs

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And here’s where we might be giving thanks to advertisers like you! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Hi all, happy Friday, and happy comments of the week! Before we get to the week’s top comments, check out the Worthy Awards, in which that fantabulous Mary Worth and Me blog picks the greatest panels and plots of 2011. Will your favorites come out on top? It’s like the Oscars, but not as subtle.

And now, your comment of the week!

“Who in the hell is the plugger lady talking to? I know the animals are anthropomorphic, but is the furniture also? I don’t even want to consider that the can of whipped cream is sentient and splooging away from all the sexy, sexy shaking.” –Mumblix Grumph

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Momma’s books are all where they belong: too high for her to reach them. Because seriously, fuck reading.” –Doctor Handsome

“It took me a moment to realize that the MW panel took place on a boat. I thought Mary’s hero status had entitled her to a car twice as wide as a school bus.” –AndyL

“Haha, Mary and Jeff look like escaped drug kingpins from Miami Vice.” –Calico

“First off, in Hootin’ Holler, a ‘yard with junk’ in it is more succinctly known as a ‘yard.'” –Anonymous

“Let’s see … It’s dark outside the windows, Rex and his woman are in their PJs, and the woman in green is … shopping for a coffin?? Good god, she’s gone to one of those sleazy 24-hour coffin shops! Why did you even bother to get out of the car, lady? You might as well have used the drive-through.” –Oregonian

“How did I get in the will? Hurry up and tell me, so I can get back to my idle rich pursuits, such as self-taught karate with my wife. Come on, hurry, we have our outfits on and everything.” –Chareth Cutestory

“That ‘PSSSSS…’ coming out of the can seriously worries me. I imagine the ‘whipped topping’ was all squeezed out hours ago and now our poor chicken-lady is deluding herself by trying her get out every last particle out of the can before giving up and deciding to turn to a less degrading habit, like using heroin.” –Irrischano

“Not only is Lu Ann already calling the people who raised her by their first names, but she’s still calling Ruby ‘Ruby’ instead of ‘Mom.’ Lu Ann is so damaged she can never trust anyone again! Either that or the new information that she’s adopted took up the space in her brain that used to hold ‘things to call your parents that are not their actual first names.'” –Windier E. Megatons

“I’m actually kind of amused by the concept that this mollusk has evolved modern-day defense mechanisms against humans. Instead of spines or poison, it’s going for ‘fake laws.'” –Carly

“I will, however, remark that what appears to be a coffee mug in panel 1 has transformed into a one-time-use plastic cup in panel 2, and Chip is reading first On The Rope and then On The Rood. I’m glad that small inconsistencies in the artwork are still present — they give the comics a desperate, human touch.” –Notebooked

“Today I’m wishing Ziggy was a three-panel strip, if only because watching him get his ass kicked by a seashell would be incredibly cathartic.” –Snuggs

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Finding Clarity: Satire in the People’s Republic! A misfit mom takes on the Berkeley elite in this hilarious gender-bending mystery by New York Times contributor Laura Novak. “Novak is as funny as Janet Evanovich, as clever a plotter as Sue Grafton, and as deft in creating compelling characters as Laura Lippman.”

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Comments of the week coming momentarily, but first: did you notice that I didn’t plug my novel in this morning’s post? Well, I am plugging it now. Don’t forget that you can pre-order and sponsor my novel, via Kickstarter! The awesome original art rewards from Sally Forth/Medium Large genius Ces Marciuliano are almost all gone, but there is still one left!

Also, we still have people aiming to put a reading party/private Josh performance together in the San Francisco, Vancouver, and New Orleans areas, and now there’s interest in doing one right here in Baltimore! So email me and I’ll put you in touch with interested parties.

Oh, and remember when I invited you all to re-dialogue this Korean cartoon?

I got plenty of hilarious responses, but this one, from faithful reader S. Stout, was closest to my heart, with its Mary Worth theme:

Panel one: “Here is the American comic strip, Mary Worth! I ran all over the city to find it!”

Callout: “<-Sundance Kid”

Panel two: “Excellent…a Wilbur storyline!”

“I live to serve you, honorable Boss!”

Panel three: You may leave now. I will be feverishly masturbating to this strip.”

Panel four: (whispers) “When Wilbur eats a plate of sandwiches all by himself…well, I just lose control.”

Haha, and now that you can never feel joy again, here’s your comment of the week!

“There’s also a salad around this bug. Where’s the steaming pile of trout innards and torn-apart whole mice I ordered?” –fillmoreeast

And your runners up! Very funny!

“The plugger guy got deer ticks from his mate. We’re one step from the first Pluggers STD joke.” –Droopy Says

“How could anyone (besides June, I mean) not love Rex in the final panel? ‘Not my department! Cheese and crackers?’ ‘She needs her first bra? How about some wine?’ ‘Pregnant? Ha ha! Have some of this wonderful apple pie!’ ‘Need to dispose of a body so that the cops can’t trace the evidence? Ahhh, my little girl. Now — now you come to daddy.'” –Black Drazon

“And Scott says ‘I love you, Nina Gaines,’ as he swiftly pushes the baby off the couch into the garbage for some much-needed lovemaking.” –sporknpork

“Then…Vibrations! has to be the coolest narration box ever. It’d be great to see this type of box for all the non-action in Mary Worth. Then…Sandwiches! Then…Jazz Hands!” –Wave Man

“Look, the newborn infant wails inconsolably once exposed to genuine human affection! Certainly, she is the fruit of Nina’s loins.” –TheSilentG

“Notice the discreet placement of the big green pillow so that we cannot see that Nina is still naked from the waist down and dripping all over the carpet. Meanwhile, Scott’s hanging out, waiting for the breast feeding to start.” –Chaze126

“Please, can we have a summer of Gil getting whacked in the shins by 8 year olds?” –Nekrotzar

“I don’t think the guy with the mustache and cigar in panel one is actually involved with the action. I think he’s just some sort of omniscient narrator that the characters in the strip can’t see. I appreciate this service as a way of enabling the reader to keep track of the often-fragmented Gil Thorp storylines, but it shouldn’t be long before he’s saying, ‘Nah, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on, either. I think maybe they just lost the playdowns.'” –Pozzo

“Much as I am enjoying Lucha Libre and all its implied homoeroticism, won’t Phantom get all woozy exerting himself in a bondage mask with no air holes? Fifty shades of purple, yikes, that’s going to describe his complexion.” –Lynn

“I like how the other animals (even Max) are staring uneasily at Slylock, praying that he can determine the actual culprit. They all know SOMEONE’S taking the fall for this, and due process will not be a factor.” –Doctor Handsome

“A single drop of sweat rolled down Mister Wilson’s forehead. Don’t worry about it, a soothing voice said in his head. You’ve planned for everything. The tarps are burned. The grinder is at the bottom of the lake. Everything will be fine. Now finish the job. The Mitchells’ doorbell tolled like a funeral bell. Alice opened the door, her eyes rimmed with red. ‘I know you’re missing Dennis,’ Mister Wilson said in his most gentle voice. ‘I miss him too. I’m sure the police will find him soon. I brought over some of my famous bratwurst, though, so you don’t have to worry about cooking tonight.’ Braut-wurst, not brat-wurst, the voice said, but George was going to have his little joke. He was going to enjoy this moment for a long time to come.” –Voshkod

“I like how Nina’s Dad is holding the baby like a clipboard, or like it just peed all over his jacket.” –Calico

“Staying true to his craft, the stripey-shirted, beret-wearing artist is miming his way to safety.” –Dood

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• The Hole Behind Midnight: Royden Poole is having a very bad day. “… fast, profane, full of joy, deeply intelligent, and just a lot of damn fun to read.” –Colin McComb, author of OATHBREAKER. “… like the fevered brainchild of Warren Ellis and Kenneth Hite. Smart, dark fun.” ––Matt Forbeck, AMORTALS and VEGAS KNIGHTS.

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Greetings, readers! Behold, your comment of the past … two weeks!

“What do the bones strewn about this animal graveyard tell us? Quite simple: even though they may try to emulate human burial rites, some of these hideous animal people still actively consume the dead while littering nonchalantly. They still have quite a long way to go.” –Chareth Cutestory

And the hilarious double dose of runners up!

Funky Winkerbean: “So, Buddy’s the Best Man, eh? … I can only imagine what the bachelor party will be like … everyone sniffing each other’s butts, licking their own balls, rolling in rotten garbage, then eating grass until they all throw up.” –Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy

“If they had had Judge Parker instead of cold marble statues in ancient Greece, would the Allegory of the Cave still have occurred to Plato, or would he have been so thoroughly engrossed in the cave experience himself that he never would have realized it was an illusion?” –fausto

“I dunno what you’re yelling, Spanish-speaking guy, but I’m wondering the SAME THING! My mind is filled with INCOMPREHENSIBLE GIBBERISH!” –damanoid

Archie: “Moose is an athlete and they make him take stuff like algebra and chemistry? Which Asian country is Riverdale High located in anyway?” –Sgt. Stoned

“Hell, Sandinista, WE’LL give you a fucking medal, if you shoot Spider-Man!!” –sully

Spider-Man: “Given that the whites of Spidey’s eyes take up most of his face, it’s probably very hard for the soldiers to judge how close they should be before they fire.” –Horace Broon

“Has any extraneous extra in a comic ever looked as forlorn as that penguin in the lineup? His internal monologue: ‘Jesus, that convenience store robbery was eight friggin’ years ago! Can’t they ever let me forget it? All I took was a bag of ice! What do they expect from a penguin living so far away from the South Pole? I get warm sometimes! Look, I’ve tried to conform to the rules of their society! Look at these lime-green golf pants! Look at this fedora! Don’t these just scream solid citizen? But nooooooooooooo! To them, I’ll always be a criminal. I mean, why would I ever steal a bike anyway? How the holy hell am I ever going to reach the damned pedals?'” –Joe Blevins

“Take that, Floppy Hat Woman. This’ll teach you poor people to follow the super rich around and not offer them money.” –Liam

Mark Trail: “Oh well, at least we still have death and taxes.” –LP2004

Mary Worth: “I killed a man back in 2006 — he looked a lot like Bob Keeshan.” –Calico

“At some point in my schooling we went to a cemetery and made reliefs of the headstones. crayons and large newsprint. I’m sure part of the reason was to understand birth and death dates. Maybe another reason was to get us all over the hump of being scared by graveyards. Then another reason still could have been the teacher’s plan to bury us all alive in an open grave.” –tallyHO

“The magnet in Zoey’s mouth has attracted the steel plate in Peter’s head.” –Odie Odo

“I’m hoping all this elaborate evolution talk is Mark’s way of revealing that Rusty is actually the Missing Link. It would explain so much.” –McManx

“I will forgive this whole Mary Worth’s Tedious Spa Vacation plot if Mr. Pushy McTownhall, quietly seething over his diminished complaint, listens with increasing fury for the next few minutes (‘My affair got out of hand!’ ‘At least you have hands!’) until he suddenly erupts in sweaty, mouth-breathing rage, throwing chairs, scattering the womenfolk, shouting, ‘This is my first vacation in years! Listen to me share, dammit!'” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“So Crankshaft is done? Just to make sure, can everyone stick a fork in him?” –Droopy Says

“In all of the commotion, I never asked if you were hurt. And I’m still not asking. Because I really don’t care. So why are you telling me?” –Nekrotzar

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.