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Spider-Man, 2/21/18

So J. Jonah Jameson showed up in this strip a couple days ago, and I assumed it was because he as a newspaperman was chasing the big story of Spider-Man fighting with a giant lizard on the roof of a hospital in broad daylight. But, no, I guess he’s at some unspecified “business conference” where some of his business buddies wanted to engage in some classic business conference R&R: taking a boat into a swamp! I’m heartened to see that even though JJJ is of course a loud-mouthed alpha male, he, like me, hates nature and wants to spend as little time in it as possible.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/21/18

Also a couple days ago, Snuffy Smith found his father, who he … hadn’t seen in years and, one has to think, assumed was dead? Except he was just sleeping against a tree stump, Rip Van Winkle-style, and couldn’t be woken up. I know modern medicine hasn’t made a huge impression on Hootin’ Holler, but you’d think “don’t move the sick or injured, and definitely don’t drag them roughly across uneven ground for miles” would just be common sense.

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Mark Trail, 2/20/18

Oh, man, sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Mark Trail, but the short version of the story is that, after showering his giraffe-seeing son and monkey-riding-ostrich-seeing father-in-law with amused contempt and probably not even hearing about the nice campers who got attacked by a rhino, Mark finally saw a tiger with his own eyes and now all of the sudden the situation is very serious indeed and he needs to take charge of it! Based on Mark’s grim facial expression and his determination to stockpile on ammo, look for the tone of the strip to rapidly shift from “zany farce with wacky circus animals” to “gritty Assault on Precinct 13-style seige drama, with wacky circus animals.”

Mary Worth, 2/20/18

This Mary Worth plot about Ted Miller, sex creep, is doing a good job of simulating having professional dealings with an actual sex creep, in the sense that you have to sit through a lot of boring professional talk on edge wondering when the next hug that lingers right up to the edge of plausible deniability is going to abruptly arrive. Until then, though, I guess we should go back to the extremely improbable story of Mary as a muffin maven, a story that starts with her selling a plate of five muffins at Aileen’s Grocery and ends with everyone involved a millionaire! This story obviously requires Ted to wedge himself onto the loveseat with Mary to tell it, so she can feel the power of his narrative.

Pluggers, 2/20/18

A PLUGGER ONLY HUGS SOMETHING

AFTER HE KILLS IT

AND CHOPS IT UP WITH AN AXE

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Pluggers, 2/19/18

As you know, I’m not a plugger, and one of the ways you can tell I’m not a plugger is that I know jack-all about cars. So, like, when I read this panel, I was confused, because don’t all cars have shock absorbers? Is this panel trying to imply that pluggers have a pedestrian-based lifestyle and shun automotive ownership? Because that seems quite at odds with the image I’ve built up over the years! But, no: it turns out that some cars have shocks and some cars have struts. And maybe some have both? I then contemplated taking the next logical step: doing the research to determine if cars without shock absorbers were more “plugger-y” than those with them. But then I thought, “enh, my dude, you’re just spending time learning about cars.” So I gave up! True story!

Dick Tracy, 2/19/18

“Have you seen today’s paper, Chief Patton? Oh, you haven’t, but you’ve already heard about the murder of an extremely wealthy and prominent citizen? What with you being the chief of police and all? And also we live in a 24-hour news cycle, so even if you hadn’t heard it from police sources you’d probably see it on TV or Twitter or something? Well, whatever, I already had one of my aides buy this paper for visual effect, so God damn it, I’m going to hold it up meaningfully. This is how you hold up a newspaper, right? Very gingery?”

Slylock Fox, 2/19/19

OH HEY WHAT’S UP COUNT WEIRDLY IS JUST SENDING OUT HIS SNAKE TO EAT BABIES NOW