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Mark Trail, 5/6/08

Ah, Andy! The best friend a guy like Mark Trail could have! And how are you repaid for your years of faithful service in note-carrying and sex prevention and the like? By being used as bait to lure cynical dognappers into range of Mark’s Fist o’ Justice. The poor dog’s even been kidnapped before, but that doesn’t stop his callous owner from subjecting him to further trauma. Sure, Mark’s “newspaper friends” have been talked into throwing aside their journalistic principles and writing a fake story to perpetrate this sting, but they’re not being asked to put their life on the line. I love that Mark is carefully explaining everything to Andy, as if the dog speaks English and this somehow counts as getting his informed consent for the operation. He might as well just be saying what he’s really thinking, which is “HA HA, THERE ARE MORE ST. BERNARDS AT THE SHELTER WHERE YOU CAME FROM, ANDY!”

Gil Thorp, 5/6/08

That’s right, Andrew, it’s time to “unleash that slider”, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. But just in case you don’t, what I mean is that you should drop your pants and expose your genitals to the batter. Here, I’m using “slider” as a double-entendre: though it’s the legitimate name of a style of pitch, it could also, with some imagination, be thought of as a nickname for a penis. Which I think you should show to the opposite team, which would be shocking and amusing. I hope we’re clear on this.

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Monday has rolled around again, which means it’s time … for the comment of the week.

“I heartily endorse the mostly naked Rex and June. This was the best strip of the storyline. I don’t need to see the rest of the storyline to know that my statement will remain true forever.” –Mrs. Buck Tuddrussell

And the runners-up!

“I hope this means that Marvin killed everyone else in the strip and is going to now starve to death himself.” –Cheeky Wee Monkeys

“Lemme guess: John does new orthodontia on Fridays, but reprints 29-year-old orthodontia the rest of the week, right?” –Mibbitmaker

“Didn’t you get the memo? Each and every comic strip storyline must somehow fulfill the ‘Beauty and the Geek’ straight male fantasy. Say what you will about Cathy, but at least Irving was deep enough to find the inner beauty in a women with an anus for a mouth and no nose.” –insolenttomato

“Ted, oh Ted! Leave Sally and run away with me! I have a convertible and a giant box of Lego!” –TaxiGirl

“As a member of the underrepresented demographic known as ‘female geeks’ and the wife of a geek, I wish I could join in on chiding Luann for not appreciating Gunther and his talents (all of which require skill, artistry, and style) just because he doesn’t get greasy and sweaty doing them. However, every time I look into Gunther’s beady, soulless black eyes, I just want to run away screaming.” –TheDiva

“You’ve done a week’s work in one day! That’s what we in the biz call ‘malpractice.'” –teddytoad

“Constantly broadcasting the fact that the curator of your first show is your boyfriend may not be the best way to establish your bona fides as an artist, even if you don’t get into the fact that he’s a drunken pity hire by a gallery owner who’s dating your publicist/roommate/frenemy.” –SecretMargo

“This pizza magazine cover storyline is dragging on way too long. Can we get back to killing people, please?” –cheech wizard

“Holy cats! I just had a flash of insight! Lu Ann is going to have sex relations with Jack and Alan is going to buy some meth from that beatnik guy and they’re both going to betray each other. There will be a whole big thing where they’re both eaten up by guilt until one of them comes clean. Then there will be another big thing as the other one acts all high and mighty until he or she realizes that their own betrayal was just as bad and comes clean and there will be a big tearful scene. Then they’ll get back together and engage in erotic asphyxiation, which is the only way Alan can have an orgasm. All the signs are there.” –Bryan

“You know you’re a plugger when you take your sponge-bath from a used giant KFC chicken tub.” –Harry Paratestes

“I’m convinced that in the A3G universe, wealth is not measured by how much money you have, but by how motherfucking green it is. That’s why Jones doesn’t have to count the bills to know Alan’s loaded. This is helpful, as Jones must think that math is a huge bummer, right up there with gainful employment and non-absurd facial hair.” –RaJ

“If Sturdivant becomes the Ned Beatty of comicdom the strip should be renamed ‘Vaseline Alley.'” –Stroker Ace

“No, sexual fantasies based on the Ghost-Who-Haunts-Wet-Dreams are a longstanding tradition, but the men had the good sense to keep their damn mouths shut about it.” –The Photocopiest

On whether this plate can be eaten off of: “If you decide to take a chance and use the plate, you might want to test the scratch-resistance of the decoration with a butter knife before putting any food on it, to avoid unsightly mishaps. You might, for example, attempt to scratch Xs over little Jeffy’s eyes, or a pentagram on Billy’s forehead … that way, even if the paint does come off, the artistic integrity of the work won’t be compromised.” –Trilobite

“That For Better Or For Worse enraged me for reasons I cannot begin to vocalize. Ignoring the kid isn’t so bad. Ignoring the kid and making me waste ten panels of my life reading it, that’s unforgivable. Here’s my suggestion for a replacement. Panels one and two: throwaway gag involving Meredith trying to stick a fork in a power outlet. Panel three: Meredith (or whatever her name is): ‘Daddy, will you pay attention to me?’ Panel four: Michael: ‘No. I hate you and wish you were never born. Now let me write my Snape/Bellatrix fanfic in peace.’ Panels five through ten: Meredith quietly sobbing in a corner.” –Plasma

“Oh, of course he should try it. Because, as everyone knows, the biggest concern of drug dealers is the quality of their product. Alan’s going to be the first dope pusher in the city to earn his ISO-9000.” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

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Gil Thorp, 5/5/08

Well well well, look who’s turned out to be the Mudlarks’ chief nativist! It’s Andrew Gregory, who, I feel obliged to point out, wasn’t such a law-and-order type back when he had a half-drunk Marty Moon pretending to be his father for the benefit of a state social worker. Did Marty’s attempt to teach him the importance of sticking it to the man come to naught? I guess in the A-Train’s hierarchy of faceless, dysfunctional government bureaucracies, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement gets an “honor and obey”, while Social Services rates a “go ahead and mess around with.”

I’m hoping that Marty, flush with his victory in the battle to help underaged Andrew half-competently raise his young siblings without interference from the government, decides to take on Homeland Security for Elmer’s sake. I’m imagining him wearing a huge sombrero and a poncho and spouting quasi-Spanish gibberish like “No es bueno!” and “No mas!” and “Hasta la vista, baby!” It won’t help Elmer at all, of course, but it’ll be hilarious.

Family Circus, 5/5/08

Wow, the Keane Kompound has the most boring wall calendar ever. I guess when your strict religious beliefs regard any depiction of humans, animals, or plants as sin against the Creator, all you’ve got do to entertain yourself is make up sad little stories about the names of the months.

I also question the wisdom of giving a long, pointy stick to a six-year-old, or however old Dolly is supposed to be. At least she’ll probably use it against others, not herself; if Jeffy were wielding it, it’d be buried in his eye in no time.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 5/5/08

For reasons that I can’t quite verbalize, and hopefully don’t have to, Alan’s thought-balloon whinge in today’s Apartment 3-G was hands-down the funniest thing in the comics section today.

Spider-Man, 5/5/08

…although “Crime-fighting and the flu don’t mix” was a close second. In other developments, we learn that, in his BDSM relationship with his wife, Peter is a bottom. Nobody is surprised.